Holiday Wrap-Up Chatter

Well, it's that time of the year again where I babble about the holidays and such. it looks like ever since I've been here splattering whatever I have to say all over this place, I seem to do some kind of holiday wrap-up. Look at that. Without even meaning to, I've started a traddition! Now that I've said that, I'll have jynxed it and I won't be able to do it next year or something. This one's looking like it's going to be a freaking novel, so...you've been warned.

This holiday sort of came up out of nowhere and smacked me in the face. Sure I had all my shopping done, but when it came time to actually go home, it was a big scramble. Because of the nice snow storm that came on Steve's birthday, the roads positively sucked. Hell, they even shut down Meals on Wheels. That scares me. I know why they did it. They wanted people off the roads and not endangering themselves, but in times like that, you'd think the people who are the most screwed are the elderly people who need meals brought to them. But anyway, since the roads were pooched, I wasn't jumping on a greyhound bus to get home. So I was trying to figure out which of my siblings I could hitch a ride with. I ended up heading home with my sister on Christmas Eve.

I have now learned that my sister is a sneaky devil. I love it. She and her boyfriend picked me up at the bus station, and said we were going out for breakfast at a certain restaurant. But before we did that, we drove and drove and drove to find a place where Trixie could go pee. they kept saying the snow banks and puddles were treacherous and they had to find just the right one. I thought this was weird, but I thought gee what do I know about Toronto's sidewalk conditions. I found out later that while my sister was helping me take Trixie to pee, her boyfriend had scooted out to pick up a christmas present that my mom and dad had ordered that could only be picked up in Toronto. Yes, I have a sly sister. Or maybe I'm the biggest idiot to walk this earth. Steve'd probably say the latter, since I was totally down with "hanging around the bus station" so he could get to know it, which was the line he fed me so we'd stay at the station long enough for the people surprising me for my birthday to show up to scoop us up and take us to dinner. Wow. that was almost 9 years ago, and I still fall for shit like that. I'm dumb. Yup, it's official.

Christmas was pretty cool. Mom loved her Looneyspoons book, and wondered how on earth I was able to track down an out of print book. I'm just that good, mom, I'm just that good, hehehehe!! I got some new clothes which is always a bonus, and most of them fit, so yea. We didn't see mom's side of the family which was a downer because we didn't get to see them, but a relief because seeing them would mean driving almost all the way back here. It's getting hard to see my friend that lives in Ottawa. Damn him for having a job and damn both of us for having busy lives! Just damn it all!

I knew this Christmas would be a bit weird because Grandma is not with us anymore, but I didn't know what aspect would drive the point home. We went to a gathering at my aunt's place and we saw bunches of people there, but not everybody, and there were just people everywhere, so it didn't hit me there. Then we had Christmas, and it was just us. But when her husband came over for Boxing Day and we had dinner, that's when it hit me.

I don't know how it always happened, but even if we were at a small table, two conversations would start up, one involving Grandma and half of the table, the other half would get talking to her husband. It would always be kinda distracting because you could hear elements of each conversation, and Grandma would somehow manage to get herself into both conversations. She just loved to talk. Of course, this time, with her gone, there was no double conversation thing going on, and that's when it kind of hit me. You just never know what will make the point that someone's gone, but something always does, no matter how small.

Now that I've gone on about the usual holiday crap, it's time to get into the weird things that happened to me over the holidays, one of which was my sister telling me, "Hmmm. When Trixie pees, it's kinda green." Green? What does green pee mean? She couldn't really tell me what shade of green, and when explaining it to my mom, she'd say, "well, this colour of green" and point at something green I guess. I asked mom to come out with me and watch Trixie pee, but it sucked because most of the times we'd be out to pee, it was dark, or it was too early in the morning and she wasn't up with me. The only time that was in the full light of day was at noon, and mom was usually pretty busy then. But the times she did go out, she always said, "Well hmm, it's darker, but there's a lot of it. It's concentrated, which is weird because she's drinking a lot of water..."

Because i'm terrified of anything going awry with my poocherooski, I asked the guide dog mailing list I'm on what green pee could mean. There was a unanimous cry of "It could be an infection! Go to the vet!" Sir, yes sir! So I went, they took a sample, and said it was fine. Oh well, I'd rather be safe than sorry. And with the service dog discount, I didn't get charged out the wazzoo.

So why else would Trix pee green? I still wonder if she's peeing green to this day. I can't really check, ya know.

Over the holidays, I also got a lesson in the weirdness of Ontario's hydro supply. On the last day of sanity I figured I was going to have before heading back here, I decided to do laundry. I might as well wash all the stuff so I have clean clothes to bring home rather than dirty ones. I washed them, put them in the dryer, and a few minutes later there was a large gust of wind, and...the hydro, she gone.

For a little bit, I thought oh it'll be back up soon. But after a couple of hours, I started to question that certainty. Then we noticed people next door didn't have hydro either. Hmmm.

Dad called the hydro folks and after getting put on hold, shuffled from number to number, told they were just too busy to take his call, and other phone fun which was sure to send dad's stress level through the roof, he finally got an answer that a major power line that supplied bunches of hydro from here to southwestern Ontario got clonked by a tree or some other wind-related fun, and we wouldn't have power for two days, or maybe a week.

Steve was already back at our apartment getting ready for our party and such, so I thought I should call and see if our lights were on. He said they were, and his lights were on at his parents' place. Now, I was thoroughly convinced that the hydro guy was feeding us a load of bull.

You really learn exactly how much we depend on power, especially mom and dad. Their water is pumped from a well. No electricity, no pump, no water, suckas! There's nothing much weirder than having to use a bottle of water when brushing your teeth, or pondering how badly you really have to go no. 2 because once that toilet flushes, you're kinda shit out of luck, har har.

Mom had to drive to town with my wet clothes and wash them in the town laundromat that was working. I was sure the hydro guy was full of crap until mom said the town had its own generating station. I called my friend in Ottawa, and he said his power was on, so that was good news. On our way to see him, we realized that yes, in fact, the problem was more widespread than us. It was so weird. there would be pockets of people and offices with power, and others without. It really makes you wonder how all this energy supply stuff really works.

While I was home, my brother got talking about this big crazy site full of mp3 copies of works in the public domain. I guess volunteers read for it and then submit their renditions of the work. One of the poems up there was Robert Service's "The Cremation of Sam McGee." Dad knows that poem, and used to recite it...well...the pieces that he likes anyway. Silly dad. Here's the Sam McGee page. Sadly, none of those readers, good as they are, could hold a candle to dad. maybe he should submit his own. The closest was Caliban's, but sometimes I found the poor man's voice irritating. I will say all the readers seemed to give it their all.

So have a look around the site. there are a lot of versions of the bible, and some things are incomplete, but you may find something you've been looking for.

Has everyone else noticed their spam count has gone way, way, way the hell down to pretty much nonexistent? I haven't heard about a botnet getting its head chopped off or anything, so can't figure out why we've been blessed with so little spam. whatever it is, it can keep it up. I like opening my email and not seeing ads for all manner of pills, services, or other unwanted crap, along with people crying for help and money.

We had yet another party to ring in the new year, and this one was pretty cool. It was even free of boxes of rocks! Woo! It was a good time. The only part that sorta sucked was when we tried to go out for dinner. We phoned the place where we wanted to go and they said that they were open for regular hours, no reservations necessary. So since there were 5 of us and we're all blind, we figured we'd just cab there. So we pile into two cabs, arrive at their door, and...find out the place is packed and they don't even want us to wait! We have to find another place to go! Luckily, a place down the street was pretty empty, so we walked through the bloody cold to get there. I think I made the lady laugh who answered the phone. I asked if we could come down and eat there. She said sure. I told her I was coming from a place that was packed to the gills. She said there was lots of room and she'd even reserve a spot for us. I told her we would be hard to miss, we were five blind folks and a guide dog. I don't think she believed it was true, or maybe she thought the guide dog was leading all of us. Ug, that would be hard for the poor beast. The girl on the phone soon found out we were really five blind folks and a guide dog, and no, the dog wasn't leading all of us.

It was all good from there. I don't know about everybody else, but I had a damn good time. there's nothing cooler than having a good long laugh with friends. It really left me with a warm, fuzzy feeling. Oh boy, I'm turning into a large sap.

After dinner, we came back to our place and since one of our buddies had brought champaign, we thought we'd pop it for the new year. Oh boy did it ever pop. When it opened, it spewed champaign all over Steve. but we were lucky. We didn't lose that cork. When we popped the second bottle, because we ended up losing a bunch of the first bottle's contents all over Steve and stuff, the cork flew off as if jet-propelled! We still haven't found it. Hmmm. What does that say about the year? One buddy thinks it means the Leafs are going to win the cup. all I know is it started off with a bang.

Even though 2009 is already 8 days old, I figure what holiday wrap-up would be complete without a look at 2008. I think it's been the most stable year I've had in the past hmmm...5 years? woe. That's weird. I didn't have any major life-changes happen, and other than losing my grandma, it wasn't a bad year. I wonder what 2009 will bring. Happy new year everyone.

Americans Are Not Stupid

Here comes your firstAmericans try to answer questions and fail spectacularlymontage of the year.

Somehow this stuff never gets old, nor does it get any less depressing.

1 Way To Be A Ridiculous Failure

Bad: Callie Rough, 37, was recently caught trying to shoplift items from the Dollar General Store in Oxford, Ohio.
Worse: Her husband and 2 young children were with her at the time.
Even worse than that: Among the items recovered from her purse was a copy of a book called"101 Ways to Be a Great Mom".

I wonder if she'll try to use the I took it out of desperation defence, since clearly she needs some help in that department.

Old People News

Ifthisdoesn't make you laugh at least once, you either don't use email or you're part of the problem.

Mmmm, Tastes Like Doughnuts

If you've ever wondered to yourself gee, has anybody ever tried to take a bite out of a police car during an arrest,wonder no more.Thanks to 47-year-old Scott Russell of Fairfax, Vermont, we know that the answer is definitely yes.

Police said they were responding to 911 hang-up call from Russell's home and when they arrived Russell was outside, apparently intoxicated. Police said they saw smoke and found that a fire had been put out inside Russell's home.

Russell became combative with police as officers attempted to place him into protective custody, police said. Russell also ground his teeth into the hood of a state police cruiser, causing damage to the hood.

He has been charged with assaulting a police officer and disorderly conduct. Whether or not he left a tip for the meal was not reported.

Let It Snow, Preferably On This Guy's Big, Stupid Head

James Hillier is a real piece of work. If you're not familiar with the name, he's one of 4 peoplebanned for life from the Grouse Mountain resort in British Columbia for skiing out-of-bounds in an area closed off due to an avalanche risk.He was warned not to, didn't listen, and eventually had to be rescued on the resort's dime when the risk became a reality. They plan to bill them for the full cost of plucking their dumb asses out of the snow making them my new heroes of the week, but that's not why we're here. We're here for the same reason we're always here. Because somebody does something stupid and then tries to defend himself with yet more stupidity.

James Hillier said he will continue to ski in the backcountry and insists the resort treated him unfairly by slapping him with the lifetime ban.

"I'm not saying it's OK to flaunt the rules," Hillier said in an interview Tuesday.

"I'm saying it's OK to take a due diligence approach, prepare yourself with the right equipment and training and if you believe that the conditions are appropriate, then you're putting yourself on the line. ... I do think it's OK to go out and backcountry ski if you've taken the appropriate preparations."

Agreed, as long as you're willing to assume any burden that might result. If you do that, knock yourself out, literally if you want.

What's that? You have more to say?

Hillier said out-of-bounds rules shouldn't apply to experienced skiers and he believes it's his right to be rescued if he gets lost or hurt, at no cost to himself.

What happened to putting yourself on the line? Does that only apply as long as you're having fun? Why should you get all of the reward while taking none of the risk? That doesn't seem fair. The fact that the resort took the time to rescue you at all is more than I would have done were I in charge. I would have waited to pluck you off my mountain until the spring thaw when it wasn't so dangerous and then sued your estate for disposal costs. Dumpsters aren't cheap, you know.

I could be wrong, but if you hadn't come out of this in such good health, I bet it somehow would have been the resort's fault and you would have filed the biggest suit possible against them, the guy who made the avalanche risk sign, Environment Canada for making it snow so much, and the other 3 guys you were with for not suffering as much as you. That's pretty much always the way it works. People are willing to take responsibility for themselves right up until they absolutely should.

So yeah, go ahead and ski wherever you want. Just know that the next time old mamma Nature decides to let you know how she feels about people not paying attention to reasonable rules and regulations, there'll be a lot of us dreaming of a whiteout Christmas, you dumb fuck.

Disney Will Screw You Up

This run-down of the worst lessons taught by Disney movies is funny. I've watched all of those movies, or at least parts of them, and yeah, I can totally see the authhor's point in some cases. Others...I dunno, maybe if I really stretch my brain. all of them are funny though. Let's run down the list.

No. 7. The Lion King. In order to be successful, somebody's gotta die.

I guess if you really think about it, you'll get that message, but I kinda had to strain. Maybe I'm dumb.

No. 6. Cinderella: just sit around long enough and your dreams will be handed to you on a silver platter.

Ok, I get that one, but um, aren't most fairytales like that? Is it fair to blame Disney for that? I think this woman's spent a little too long fighting for stuff. I could see her being a bit of a killjoy at movies. fuck suspending disbelief, She would want reality, only reality! Yes, I get that girls should be taught to advocate for what they want and need, and that giving that message early is a good thing, but...but...but...these fairytales are old as the hills, and were written before that attitude was all over the place. Yes, Disney could have modernized them I guess, but then someone would be bitching that that's not how the story goes. I dunno.

No. 5. The Little Mermaid: It's ok to make deals with the devil.

I never really thought about it, but I can see her point. She did sorta get off easy didn't she? I didn't realize how big Ariel's boobs were. Well now I know.

No. 4. Beauty and the Beast: ah let him slap ya around, he's got a good heart.

Yeah, I totally saw that. the whole time I was watching the movie, at about age 12 or so, when he started getting nice, all I kept thinking was "He's a prick! he's just tricking you to get what he wants! You can't leave, so what kind of person would do that to you? He's just a manipulative prick!" I remember when the movie made a big deal about how hard it was for him to let her go see her sick dad, such a sacrifice for him. I was like what? Letting her leave her home is a sacrifice for him? What about the fact that she was forced to stay in exchange for her dad's freedom? That wasn't a sacrifice for her at all? Now I feel like the killjoy.

No. 3. the Hunchback of Notre Dame: Ugly guys never get the girl.

Ok, I need to watch that movie again. I remember it being depressing, and I remember the ending sucking, but I can't remember it at all. this one I have to blame on Victor Hugo. Everything he wrote was so painfully depressing. Now I feel like a hippocrit. Beauty and the Beast sucked but this one isn't Disney's fault? Maybe I would be kinder to disney in the case of Beauty and the Beast if I'd read the original before seeing the movie. Maybe that's the key.

No. 2. Sleeping Beauty: If a guy gets you out of a tough spot, marry him right there.

I'm completely torn on this one. Part of me wants to be the killjoy because the whole story always disturbed me. I wouldn't want to wake up from a nap and find a dude giving me a big old smoocheroo and doing who knows what else to me, even if I knew it was his sloppy lips that just saved my life, so why should this be a good thing for her? But it's the old thing of an old fairytale, and why should Disney be crucified for just animating the characters?

No. 1. The Fox and the Hound: Separate but equal, got it?

Yup, I heard this one loud and clear and it always broke my heart as a kid and as I got older. I don't even know if this existed in pre-disney form, so if it didn't, then Disney gets the blame for this one for sure. I always thought it was a pretty twisted story.

So there are the lessons as she sees them, but you should still go read her version, it's way funnier.

Fruit Smash, Hopes Dashed, You Don't Get Your Cash

Wow. There are going to be some pissed off people right about now. I guess somebody had a bad day with the printers, and a whole batch of Fruit Smash lottery tickets were printed wrong so it looked like they were winners, big winners. In the end, I guess what really matters is what happens when you scan the ticket, and in this case, the tickets still didn't win, or won small amounts. but that didn't stop people from flipping out. One guy was going to move his family out of their apartment and buy a house, put money away for his kids' college educations and start living the good life. How he was going to do this on $135000, I don't know, but he was. don't get me wrong, $135000 is nothing to sneeze at, but um, once you buy a house, I think it'll go pretty fast.

At first I thought that the Lottery folks should still pay the people what they were supposed to have won until I read the part about the tickets still scanning properly. Then I wasn't so sure. But any way you slice it, it sucks for all involved.

Before I forget, here's a little help for anyone who might be confused by what the machines say after you win and it says "winner!" It then says "Gagnant!" If you didn't know, that is the French for "Winner!" The machine is not proclaiming that your last name is Gagnant, as one poor member of my family thought who will remain nameless. You can all start laughing now.

That's Definitely A Cool Cat Now

Ok, what the hell? First we had a burglar putting a dog in the oven, now we have a cat in the freezer. these sick freaks seemed to be more into causing damage and pain than robbing the guy, but what is with pets being put inside appliances lately? Thankfully, this time the cat was ok.

I Am In Canada, Right? And It's 2009, Yes?

What the hell country does Sid Ryan think he's living in? Somebody tell him that it's Canada, and Canada doesn't usually tell people what to say, what to think. although we fail sometimes, we do like our free speech. Somebody tell him that this proposal ordering members of CUPE to boycott Israeli academics who don't vehemently express their opposition to the Israeli attacks on Gaza isn't a good idea. It's crazy. It's not even like he's saying anyone who encourages terrorism should be boycotted. He's saying anyone who remains silent or agrees with Israel should be boycotted. What if some just want to stay out of it? Why should they have to pick a side just because they came from Israel?

Everybody has a right to their opinion. As long as they aren't spewing hate speech, let them talk. What does this say about freedom of thought? Not a whole lot.

I love how he's getting all involved in this cause. As one person who commented on the article said, where has he been all this time when China has been imposing its will on Tibet? Where has he been when other countries have had conflicts? Why is the Israel and Gaza situation so special?

This whole thing is stupid. I guess people will vote on it in February. Let's hope it will get voted down.

What Doesn't Kill You, We'll Lend A Hand To

Here's another one of those activist logic things I need explained to me, because I'm just not gettin' it.

Over the last few months, somebody has beenblowing up sour gas pipelines belonging to the EnCana Corporationin British Columbia. It is widely believed that the bombings are linked to a threatening letter sent to an area newspaper demanding that companies operating these types of wells stop doing so. Why? Well, according to the CBC, here's why.

Many critics of sour gas development fear the gas, which can be fatal if too much of it is inhaled, poses a danger to nearby residents.

Ok. The gas is dangerous. If people breathe too much of it in, they will surely die. Clearly the best way to protect them is blowing up the development sites. There's absolutely no chance that the fumes from the resulting explosions will be inhaled or anything.

Um..er...uh-huh...good luck with that. let me know how it turns out, if any of you idiots are still alive when you're done saving everyone that is.

Disservice Dog

Don't let me ever have to ride a train with Estelle Stamm and her dog. By her own words, her previous dog belonged nowhere near anyone, and since she's proud of that, why should her new one be much different?

Ug, it's people like this that make me twitchy.

A Non-Touchy Subject

This is where we'll all be headed if attitudes continue to go the way they're going. And wouldn't ya know it, this case was in the UK.

A teacher was attacked by a kid with a history of violence. The kid was strangling him, and noone would come to the teacher's aid because they were afraid they'd get sued by the kid for assault. And what do you call what the kid did to the teacher?

Traumatic Insemination Indeed!

Reading this makes me very very very happy I'm not a female squid. Eek! What a way to screw. But there's one major flaw I see in this theory. If squid always lived in the deep ocean, then why would they need to see? Shouldn't they have evolved other ways of sensing what those who live in the light use their eyes for? Or did squid only recently migrate to the deep ocean?

And I guess male squid never masturbate, at least not the ones that launch off spirm packets that dissolve tissue on contact. They'd be minus a few tentacles if they did.

All I know is I'm not sure if I can agree with the guy in the Discovery Channel ad who says he loves the giant squid.

He Can't Have His Hitler Cake Or Eat It Either

How the hell can Heath Campbell not think he's screwing up his kids? He has saddled his oldest child with the name Adolph Hitler Campbell, his middle child is named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, and his youngest is named Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. Then he's shocked when he can't get cakes with these names inscribed on them. They're just names after all, just names. And the swastika is just art. And the holocaust didn't happen. Here, look at these S.S. boots that never were used to kick the everloving hell out of some poor prisoner. Oh I'm angry. Why is it that the boots bug me so much. It doesn't make any sense. The idea that this guy keeps S.S. boots in his livingroom and decorates it with swastikas makes me want to hurl.

How can he possibly think that he's not screwing up his innocent children forever? I mean, The oldest little guy whose name I won't speak already runs behind his father's legs when you ask him his name. That means he's already been ridiculed somewhere. How can Mr. holocaust-denier Heath Campbell say he's not forcing his beliefs on his children? Giving them such a loaded name *is* forcing his beliefs on them. Add to that the unspeakable stupidity of his wife, and oh boy these kids are doomed. the judge from the Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii case needs to get involved and save these children before it's too late. Too bad he's in New Zealand.

I Missed the Bus, So Drove The Car, Then Smashed The Car, And That Is Somethin' That I'll Never Ever Ever Do Again!

This poor little guy is a very lucky little boy. Ya gotta give the little guy credit for determination to see a goal through to the end, even though that determination didn't, uh, have a happy ending. He missed the bus, and felt so bad about it that he decided to try and drive the family car to school. His mom was asleep, let's hope it was because she was working nights or something. Anyway, he decided to drive to school. I'm sure he thought It was easy, I mean it looked so easy. He found out quickly that it wasn't when he lost control, went off the right side of the road, then the left, then the right, and then smacked into an embankment and a utility pole. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt, but seemed to have come out of it pretty ok considering the circumstances.

The poor little guy's probably going to be in a whole heap of trouble. I mean, if the family's any good, they'll thank their lucky stars that he's ok, but it sounds like he did a pretty good job of smashing up their car, so...that can never bring good things.

One thing's for sure. This little guy really really likes school.

I've Got Such A Woody Right Now...A Woody And A Few Slivers...

It's a new year, and that can mean only one thing. That's right, new stories about people humping things!

First up (see what I did there?) for 2009 is Jose Raul Moreno-Lopez of Tampa, Florida. Unless somebody has come up with the $7750 required to spring him, he is currently sitting in the Orient Road Jail facing charges of lewd and lascivious exhibition and disorderly intoxication after an incident during which he exposed and touched himself before having relations with a tree.It should also be noted that he did all of this in front of 5 children, which surely won't do him any favours come trial time.

The incident began 20 minutes earlier at 14302 Hensel Lane. While intoxicated, Moreno-Lopez began punching the ground in a parking lot of the Avalon Terrace Apartment complex, according to a criminal arrest affidavit. He then took off his shirt, threw it to the ground and exposed himself before he "began to make motions against a tree" simulating a sex act, the affidavit states.

By the way, a quick question for the grammar lovers in the crowd. does that last sentence make it sound like the tree was simulating a sex act or am I just reading it wrong?

Smile, You're On Candid Bedroom Camera

Here's a note to women everywhere. I wouldn't live with Jeffrey Tigges if I were you. He thinks that you have no reasonable expectation of privacy in your own home if you live with him. He videotaped his wife and got caught, and that was his defense in court. Thankfully, it didn't fly.

What I really don't get is why he did it. he said he wasn't intending on capturing anything dirty, and only showed it to her sister. Why? This guy's weird.

Goodbye Good Samaritans

Is it really a good idea to ok lawsuits against good samaritans who happen to inadvertently injure you in the process of saving your life? with all the sue-happy folks out there, we'll have people refusing to help somebody for fear they'll get sued later. I mean, being a good samaritan shouldn't give someone license to be wreckless, but personally, I'd rather be alive and perhaps a little more injured than the alternative, burned to death in a car because people were afraid to pull me from the smoking vehicle for fear they might injure me and I could sue them later. This whole thing smells like trouble, and will make people even less willing to help than they already are.

the Apartment From Hell

Happy New Year everybody. Why don't we start the year with something Jill emailed me.

This guy can't get a tenant. Gee, I wonder why. Any guesses? Let's see if we can figure it out. It shouldn't take long.

All the tenants I interview aren't good enough (Broadway and Commercial)

Not a good start, bud. You might want to be at least slightly welcoming.

I am a born again Christian. Why is this a problem for people????! I have a house that's MINE and I PAID FOR IT. I also have a basement apartment for rent. It's a great space for I'm charing very little for it, $480 monthly, for the right tenant. I know it's ILLEGAL to require a Christian in the apartment, against the human rights. That's why I NEVER put this in my ad. Why then does it keep getting taken down?

Um, erm, it's in your ad. This is your ad, so it's in there.

HERE IS THE AD I POSTED, AND THE AD THAT KEEPS GETTING REMOVED:

Available Immediately – Broadway and Commercial – Showing Saturday and Sunday – Email for directions and additional information.

What kind of apartment is it?

• One bedroom basement apartment with separate entrance
• Tastefully decorated with modern décor
• Approximately 650 square feet
• There is even a window! Security bars installed for your safety and to prevent unauthorized activity
• Closed circuit camera installed for security and safety. One in your suite, one at the entrance, and one in the exercise yard

I'm all cool with one at the entrance, but I'm not down with one being in my suite. And why is the yard called an exercise yard? The only place I've heard referred to as an exercise yard is in a prison.

Rent:
• $480.00 per month
• First month’s rent + ½ month security deposit due at move in
• Small pet allowed with approval and payment of additional ½ month pet damage deposit
• One year lease permitted, option to renew lease at end of the term with no increase in rent
• LANDLORD’S SPECIAL! Move in before January 1st and don’t pay for the remainder of December! That’s significant savings.

Included in the rent:

• Electricity
• Heat – Maintained at 21 degrees with lock box to prevent unauthorized tampering. Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month.

20 bukcs per degree? Eek.

You may not use your oven to heat the apartment. If you do, you will be fined $50.00 per occurrence.
• Air conditioning – Maintained at 25 degrees during the summer with lock box to prevent extra cooling from being dispensed. Additional cooling for sale for $20.00 per degree of cooling requested per month.

At 25 degrees, why bother having air conditioning in the first place?

• 25" Zenith color television set with basic cable service - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Wireless internet (with content filter applied to block forbidden/immoral websites) - INCLUDED IN RENT!

Thanks, I'll get my own internet. I'm not trying to say I'm immoral, but I prefer my internet not to be filtered. Plus, if the tenant has to be super awesome, why would he then have to be prevented from surfing "immoral" websites?

• Provision of coin laundry services - You will have your own personal coin laundry washer and dryer machines. Washers and dryers are paid using a token system. Tokens can be purchased through the landlord. Washer tokens cost $4.15 each and dryer tokens cost $3.60 each. You are not allowed to use foreign currency or slugs in the washer and dryer. Violators will be fined $100.00 per infraction.

Gees, dude, do you trust at all that your tenant will be decent? Have you had tenants from hell? At any rate, you sure love to levy fines.

About us: (Landlords)

We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible.

eek! I don't know if the bible should be interpreted literally.

We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.

About you: (Tenant)

• You are employed
• You do not participate in lascivious deviant sexual behavior
• You do not choose alternative lifestyles as your lifestyle
• You do not have any criminal history
• You must have excellent character references
• You do not smoke, drink or take drugs. Mandatory drug screening required.

What? There is no way I would go through all this for a basement apartment.

Additional Rules/Conditions:

Oh lord there's more?

CLEANLINESS: You are responsible for the cleanliness and orderliness of your apartment. Beds are to be made before leaving your suite, countertops must be wiped down, and you must remove all trash. Upon inspection, if the tenant's basement suite is not clean, the cost of cleaning services plus a fine of $100.00 will be levied.
LIGHTS: The lights in your basement suite and in the day room are not to be tampered with. If a light needs repair, report the condition to the Landlord.
WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in the suite will be turned on automatically.
LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.

I'm really starting to think this guy thinks this place is either a prison or military barracks.

CONTRABAND: The following items are considered contraband – alcohol, illegal drugs, tobacco, weapons, lock picking equipment. If any contraband is discovered to be in your possession, you will be subject to a minimum $1,000.00 fine. In addition, your items will be confiscated permanently. Second offense – you will be evicted without notice. A bailiff will escort you and your belongings off the premises. Your security deposit will not be returned.
SMOKING: The basement suite is non-smoking. Anyone in possession of tobacco products of any kind or any lighter or matches, will have their
contraband items confiscated and will be fined $100.00.
INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure that these rules and regulations are being followed.

No thanks. See ya.

VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from 1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All visitors must sign the Visitor's Log. Unauthorized visitors will be escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.

Ok, the guy doesn't think it's a military facility, it's definitely treated like a prison. Visitation? Good lord.

I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D. bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at the nominal cost of $5.00.

Ick. Does the bracelet come equipped with amonitoring device like they slap on people on parole?

EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to 6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.

Uh, so if you're not supposed to bring any personal property, what the hell are you supposed to do in the exercise yard, run laps? I mean, it sounds like you can't even toss a ball around! Screw that, I'd just go to a park instead. And if the tenant is supposed to be employed, and most jobs are from 9 to 5, how would this even work for most people? I know there's shift work and all that, but there are a lot of people who work in the day.

I pity all of those in this guy's congregation. He sounds like a raving lune.