Somebody Stole His Brain

Ok, so when stealing, don't drive straight into a traffic jam, and when stealing a police truck,don't drive it at a police officer directing traffic. I know you probably didn't know it was *his* truck, but you're stupid anyway.

I Guess The Police Get An A+ too.

This kid is very, very, very lucky. He lives in Israel, and decided he wanted to test the police's reactions to someone who appeared to be a terrorist. So, um, he dressed up like one, complete with mask and large bag, ya know, like what might hold a bomb, and started walkin' near a mall. Kid, you're in Israel. Civilians may react before police do, by shooting the terrorist on sight. He was very lucky police found him first, and discovered he was doing this to get an A+ on a school project. They didn't even charge him with anything, which surprises me a bit.

I think this makes him dumber than Mark Sokolov. This kid actually lives in Israel, so should know what could happen! that's too much risk for an A+.

I Know It's Hard To Find Housing, But...

Here's another case where I just wince. I wince, and I wonder how poor and desperate you would have to be to live in these conditions and say it was ok.

Let me describe the condition of what these people were calling a home.

Tenants, who paid from $250 to $750 a month, shared two bathrooms and one stove. Most lived in makeshift structures built with little more than poles, plywood and tarpaulins.

And that's not all! There were apparently 29 people living in this. But wait, there's more! The landlord, a delicensed chiropractor, gave his tenants injections of a mysterious substance, and threatened them with evictions or rent increases if they didn't take the shots. He even injected some people in the eyes! Quelle surprise, some of those people went blind and had diminished vision afterwards.

Goose bumps are rising all over. Now the place has collapsed and they're all homeless anyway. Why, why, why why why, would you live in that sort of condition? There's gotta be somewhere they could go. I'd accept moving back in with my parents, or some relatives, over that horror.

Nice Try

Yes officer, I am driving drunk right now, but I'm no danger to anybody. Really, I'm being extra careful. In fact, all this time I've been tooling around out here I have taken great care tomake sure that I've got one eye shut at all times so I won't see double.What's that you say? Get in the car? I'm coming with you?

Sex, Drugs, And...Really Old Men?

Wow. It really shows the lengths some people will go to get their oxyContin fix. Women in their early 20's will even have sex with an 82-year-old man for it. I wish there was a photo of this dude. Ug that's like screwing your grandpa! Yuck! I still can't believe he went to the cops to report stuff missing. Hmmm. Did he want to get caught?

Puppy Truckin'!

Yea! Woo! Yea! Woo!

Why am I jumping up and down? Remember back in march when I told you about GDB's need for a new puppy truck? Well, they got it!

Woohoo! Hopefully it makes many many happy trips to lots of puppy clubs. I wish I could have given more. But I'm glad they got it. If anybody read the old post and gave, I'm sure it's appreciated.

Steve Is Stupid

Note from Steve: Matt *claims* that he's having some computer problems and cant' post this himself,but I personally think he's just being an asshole and exploiting my kind nature by making me post this pile of dishonest, poorly written horseshit for him. But rather than making me look bad or like a pushover,I prefer to think of my putting this up (under my own name no less) as proving what I said in a comment thread earlier today. I am a fair man who's aim in life is to make sure that everybody has a voice, no matter how retarded that voice might sound or how wrong it is.

Ok, here's Matt...like I needed to tell you that. Just look at the grammar, for Christ's sake.

So the World Series is over. The Philadelphia Phillies took the Championship in the fifth game. (which lasted about 50 hours - no. seriously).

This, of course, makes Steve an idiot. Now, sure, you may recall that both Steve and I said that the World Series would be won by Tampa in 6 games - but you'll also recall that earlier this week Steve got trounced by me (that's right - trounced) in our Cyber Sunday roundtable which means that - for this week- Steve is twice as stupid as me. So, while you may say I was a bit dumb in my prediction - Steve was an out and out idiot.

For the record - I'm pcking the Blue Jays to win it in 4 (and a half) games next year over..... the Tokyo Giants. (details to come)

Abebooks Is Cool!

this is probably going to be the most boring post ever. I hope it helps someone.

Last year, I came home early for Christmas. I had hardly any of my family's gifts bought, and frankly didn't have a flaming clue what to get anyone. Mom mentioned to me that she had every book in the Looneyspoons series except Looneyspoons itself. If anyone's wondering what the hell Looneyspoons is, it's a cook book done by a couple of Canadian ladies, and all the recipes are supposed to be low in fat and approved to be good for your heart. After Looneyspoons took off, they wrote two more books. I saw something about it on one of those shows where people who form a huge business out of nothing are featured as an inspiration.

So anyway, ding ding ding, all the bells rang in my head. I would get that for mom for Christmas. I wrote down all the book stores' phone numbers in Ottawa and called them, quickly finding out that Looneyspoons was out of print! ah crap! Foiled again! Steve looked online, and Amazon's marketplace had it, if ya wanted to shell out insane amounts of dough. What an extortion atempt that was. But I decided that if I couldn't get it for that Christmas, I would damn well find it for the next one.

So, October rolled around, and I started the hunt. I called both used book stores in town, and they said they didn't have it, they get it from time to time, but not right now. One of them mentioned I could try going to Value Village, which made me think about calling another thrift store who might have it. He didn't, but he led me to paydirt!

He told me to go check out AbeBooks, a huge network of used book stores. He thought they might have it, and for a reasonable price, and they did! Hell, they had 17 copies! They even had a description of each copy of the book, and if it doesn't match the description, I can send it back within 30 days. this is important, since I'm buying a used book. I don't know what it is, I don't worry about buying used CD's, but used books can have writing all over them, maybe the cover's coming apart, pages could be missing, I just don't know.

I found a copy for about 10 bucks. The shipping was 6 bucks, which kinda sucked, but $16 for an out of print item isn't too bad. I got a very personal processing request and a message saying that the bookseller hoped the book was everything I wanted, and to email him if I had any problems. Woohoo, mom is going to get her Looneyspoons!

So, if you're looking for a book that's out of print, you may not be out of luck. give Abebooks a try. I doubt they'd have any audio stuff, but they seem to have a lot of print.

Grave Mistake

Oh boy. I know there were a lot of things said about the less than stellar job done by the funeral director at my grandma's funeral, but at least he knew where her grave was going to be. I can't even imagine driving out to the cemetery to bury a family member and finding no grave for him.

That Definitely Sucked

Note to anyone going to France: If you're on a train and you drop your cellphone in the crapper, just accept that it's gone. You don't want to end up being taken off the train on a stretcher, with the john still attached to your hand.

Am I Being Anal About Anal Glands?

Here we go, wandering into the things that only dog-owners don't mind talking about, anal glands! trixie moved suddenly, does she understand JAWS? That was funny.

Yesterday, I took Trix to the vet to get her nails trimmed, and I thought that maybe the sebaceous cyst I found had gotten a bit bigger. It was just so much easier to find, so I didn't know if that was because I knew exactly where it was, or maybe it had changed. I wasn't taking any chances.

They told me that in fact I was on crack because it hadn't changed at all. Well, they were much nicer than that, but ya know. But they drained it anyway. While I was there, I said that Trixie has been vigorously chewing her legs and butt area, and licking her belly a lot. I saw her once grab a hold of her leg with such force that I cringed. So they thought maybe her anal glands needed expressing, since there were no hot spots, somethingI was almost 100% sure of. So they did that, and said they were quite full again! What the? The last time I had them done was early July, and before that was like nine months ago! So what's causing the massive increase in...whatever hangs out in there? Should I be worried, since she got the cyst and that, and they say that can be a sign of allergies? Is it the food? Gaaa!

I'm probably worrying too much. I guess my question is how do I know when this has turned into something to worry about? What should I watch out for? I guess if this keeps happening in the winter, is that a sign that it could be food-related?

Ug! I hate little mysteries! They make me twitchy!

Trixie, How'd You Like One Of These?

Here's a post I've been meaning to do for a few days. When I was doing my whole post about the change to CNIB, which according to some AEBC emails, involved some shady happenings, a lot of secrecy, and a vote that stunk of undemocraticness, whose result still hasn't seen the online light of day, but I digress...WhenI was doing that post, I stumbled across the Wise Advice blog. The main writer, from what I can tell, is a blind lady from Halifax who has a guide woof. She was one of the lucky ones who got a good dog from CGDB.

Anyway, she writes lots of funny stuff, stuff about her advocacy, stuff about her dog, lots of stuff. But one post very much captured my interest. She has successfully fought for an off-leash fenced area for service dogs in a park, the first of its kind in Canada! She wanted it to be for all dogs, but the liability folks felt it was too much risk to have pet dogs loose in there with service dogs. But she's got it approved, and it's on the way!

I would so love this in Guelph. I don't have a fenced yard, so the most Trixie gets is running around on the flexi. there's no way in hell I would let her free in our grass. If she walked far enough, she'd end up at Speedvale, a fucking busy road. No, no, nononono! I know she's a guide dog, but when she's free to roam, she's not thinking about traffic, and she's black,so it's unlikely she'd be seen. No no no no! I wouldn't even think about letting her loose in a park with no barriers. The same risk of running out where there's cars applies.

My big question is, um, how would I be able to pick up poopy presents? I can try to relieve her beforehand, but I've learned that even if I do that, she may release a few surprises while playing. If I could figure that part out, and bug the hell out of her to ask how she did it, I may think about asking if that's possible here. I know Guelph is a completely different city than Halifax, but damn I think it's a good idea.

After Holding Up A Bank, Don't Get Held Up In Traffic

Here's a good tip. When selecting a getaway route, it's best to avoid one that has been clogged by traffic because of a car accident. On top of the fact that you can't really move that fast, those traffic jams usually have police in 'em. This quote makes me giggle.

St. Louis County police officers located a car matching the description of the getaway car in the slowdown. Officers were able to walk up to the suspects' car after it was forced to stop in the congestion near the Cypress Road exit, police said.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

So Who Won The Table For 2?

Cyber Sunday is in the books and it's time to see how Matt and I did on ourpicks.I haven't had a chance to see the show yet and I'm kind of short on time right now so there won't be any sort of detailed rundown, but here are the quick results.

Batista beat Chris Jericho to win the world title. Matt and I both got that one wrong, as did a lot of people I'm sure. I don't understand the decision to put the belt on Dave given the way Jericho has been booked. I'm not sure where the paranoid guy storyline goes from here. My guess is they either drop it or they start building Jericho towards a match with Stone Cold, who as I suspected, easily won the vote.

Triple H retained the WWE title with a victory over Jeff Hardy, so Matt and I are both back on track...for now. Check out these voting scores. The Triple Threat match got 38% of the votes, a singles match between Trips and hardy got 57% and Kozlov vs. HHH took a monstrous 5%. Doesn't look good for at least one future buyrate.

Matt Hardy defeated Evan Bourne to keep the ECW title. Mark Henry got 1% more votes than Vladimir Kozlov. Bourne won with 69%. Matt and I have picked 2 in a row at this point. We also picked the same one wrong.

Santino lost to the Honky Donkey man by disqualification. Matt and I both said he'd win, so we were wrong. He does keep the IC title though. From the sounds of it this was a beyond pointless segment which is surprising and sad given the people involved. If you're keeping score,Matt and I are both 2-2 at this point.

Miz and Morrison beat Cryme Tyme. the votes were fairly close between this and the tag title match. Matt and I both picked Cryme Tyme, so it's 2-3 for each of us. Aren't people supposed to disagree in these roundtables?

Rey Mysterio beat Kane. It wound up being a No Holds Barred match. Why I have no idea, since you'd think Falls Count Anywhere would favour the small babyface. Matt and I are each back to even, 3-3.

Oh my God, Matt is beating me! He goes out in front on the strength of the Undertaker beating Big Show in a Last Man Standing match. He is now 4-3 while I'm 3-4.

We'll skip over the costume contest since neither of us tried to predict it seriously. For hostorical purposes, Mickie James won. She was dressed in a Tomb Raider outfit according to the results I'm working from. if that's incorrect, blame Dave Meltzer.

I won't count the United States Title match as part of the official contest for 2 reasons:
1. Matt didn't get to submit a pick
and
2. I got it wrong anyway.

Shelton Benjamin beat R-Truth to retain. I called the vote,but got the result backwards.

Sounds over all like a fairly useless show. I'll likely watch it next week when I'm back home, but it sounds pretty missable.

Congrats to Matt for narrowly beating me. Enjoy it friend, it'll be the last time.

I'll talk to you all later. In the meantime...um...I just totally blanked out on what I was going to say. I hate when I do that. Oh well, I'll be back later. In the meantime, enjoy Carin and Matt. Yeah, that'll do, they're both quite enjoyable.

See ya.

I Thought We Had The Full Dawn Herb Story, But It Keeps Overflowing.

When Steve posted that Dawn Herb had her charges dismissed for letting curses fly at her overflowing john, I thought that would have been the end of the story. Apparently not. She sued the city, and they settled, and she's getting $19000.

I sort of understand her wanting to sue. that was just fucking stupid to arrest someone for swearing in her own home, swearing at something that I think most of us would have sworn about. Things get especially stupid when you realize the dude who decided it had to stop first yelled swearing back at her. If she needed to be charged, so did he.

But I wish there was a way to make the dough come from the neighbour and the police officer who decided to go ahead with charging her. It doesn't seem right that the city has to pay the bill.

Switching Goalies For Shootouts

There's been a fair bit of talk among the media and Leaf fans about Ron Wilson's decision to pull Vesa Toskala out of the game in favour of Curtis Joseph for the shootout against the Ducks on Tuesday. I'm not sure what to make of it, and from the sounds of it, I'm not alone. Everybody I've talked to about it has had pretty much the same response to the move as I did. Basically, that was weird. I understand wanting to play the odds since Joseph is statistically quite a bit better than Toskala in shootouts, but bringing a guy in cold like that and then making him face penalty shots puts him in a really tough position. Defending shootouts is quite a bit different than coming in in the second or third to replace a guy who's having a bad night, or even coming in to play overtime.

Ahh, overtime. I think that's my biggest problem with the decision. If Wilson worries about Toskala's shootout performance, why not give him the hook at the end of the third and let Joseph play OT in case the game winds up going to the shootout? The way I look at it, that would be a much better way to do things. Joseph gets a chance to face a few shots and get himself warmed up rather than just being thrown straight into the fire like he was the other night. There's nothing to lose that way. You get Tosk out, and even if Curtis gives one up in OT you've still got the point you would have had losing in the shootout.

What do you all think? Gutsy move or bad decision? Could it have been done better? Should Joseph have played OT or should they have taken their chances with Toskala? Leave a comment, send an email, whatever. I'd love to hear more opinions on this.

You're Gonna Hate This One Too...

Q: What's the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.

Bacon Tree

I'm not sure who you'll hate more in about 2 minutes. Me for posting this or yourselves for laughing at it.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet.”

“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee.”

So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon - every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

“Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!”

“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget.”

“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree.”

“Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?”

“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees...eesa...ees a Ham Bush.”

Proof Once Again That The Media Is Full Of It

Wow. I just read a Snopes article that would have been rather unremarkable, except for a bit at the bottom.

The story goes that someone told the New York Post that Michelle Obama was busily gorging herself on expensive room service food at the hotel while Barack Obama was giving a speech. So, without checking a single thing, type typedy type type type, up it went. Then they found out that this was in fact a pile of false information, but not before it spread like wildfire over the net. So, they wrote the following retraction.

The source who told us last week about Michelle Obama getting lobster and caviar delivered to her room at the Waldorf-Astoria must have been under the influence of a mind-altering drug. She was not even staying at the Waldorf. We regret the mistake, and our former source is going to regret it, too. Bread and water would be too good for such disinformation.

Hmmm. Isn't that a little harsh and one-sided? Yeah, it sucked that someone gave them a bunch of false information, but isn't it the reporter's job to check out all information received by any sources? Wouldn't a quick check with the hotel have revealed the truth? I think someone's feeling just a touch ashamed of their sloppy work, and so they should. But if that's the way they feel about their source, then I guess bread and water is too good for the reporter as well.

Something ticked Off Cyril Sneer!

For some reason, the story about a raccoon ripping through an old man's house with wreckless abandon makes me chuckle. Maybe it's because a mamma raccoon found her way into a chimney of a woodstove that was out in dad's wood shop and had her babies there when I was a kid. Maybe it's because it makes me think of a time when my grandma heard thumping around on her roof and thought she was being burgled, yelled at the would-be burglar, and it was a raccoon. Luckily for her, the beast never got in. I don't even know why the story amuses me so much. Adult raccoons can be vicious little bastards, so I'm not surprised a cop thought maybe a taser would stop the beast when it felt cornered and tried to take a chunk out of our cop friend. I'm also not surprised the tasing didn't work, and the animal got away.

I feel sorry for the old dude. It sounds like there was quite a bit of damage left in the raccoon's wake.

I Give Up. There's No Title For Something Like This

"I wish to have sex with you."

"I must respectfully decline."

"Please? It would really make my night if in fact I could have sex with you."

"No thank you, good sir, I wish not these things."

"Oh come on my sweet. Let us make the wonderful music of love with one another."

"Again I must respond in the negative, for I require slumber. I would also hope for a man of greater desirability than yourself with whom to fornicate."

"Ok, if that is how it must be, then so it shall come to pass. However if in the next few minutes you change your mind, you will find me in the basement of our home where I will be expressing my disapproval of your decision byhanging a leak on your dog."

Torey L. Devaux, 36, was arrested and charged with domestic violence-related disorderly conduct and criminal damage to property. The incident took place at 1:30 a.m. in the 1100 block of South 11th Street.

According to police:

Devaux was drunk when he argued with a woman he lived with who refused to have sex with him. The woman said he went to the basement and urinated on her dog and on the floor.

When the argument continued and the woman’s sister stood up in defense, police say Devaux grabbed the sister and pushed her into a wall. He then left the home and punched out a window

Officers found Devaux on foot near South 10th and Columbus streets and took him into custody.

VC's Cyber Sunday Table For 2

It's time now to bring back an old favourite. Who's favourite I don't know, but hey, it sounded good when I wrote it.

WWE presents its annual Cyber Sunday pay-per-view on October 26th. I almost wrote anal, which given the lineup and some of the booking lately wouldn't necessarily qualify that as a typo. Anyway, the 2 of us decided that it had been too long since we had done a predictions roundtable. We used to do them all the time on Salty Ham when that site was still around, and now and then we'd do them here too. But we have a lot less people when we do them here and there's no point in having a big ass round table taking up space when you don't really need one, so we now present what we like to call Steve and Matt's predictions Table For 2. What about Carin you ask? Well, she's smart enough not to like wrestling and therefore will not be participating. Though if she were I'm certain that either JBL or Lilian Garcia would win every match because she thinks the Moo in JBL's theme music is funny and she likes the way Lilian says "Ceeeeeenaaaaaaah!" when she introduces him.

Anywho, why waste anymore time when we can get straight to us being wrong? and since much of what happens on the show is based on fan voting (I refuse to say universe), we sure have a lot of room for error this time out. Speaking of errors, I didn't fix any of Matt's. Who has that kind of time?

World Champion Chris Jericho vs. Batista with the fan's choice of referee: Steve Austin, Shawn Michaels or Randy Orton.

Matt:
Who Should Win: Jericho
Who Will Win: Jericho
Thoughts: It’s interesting. Your choices for the ref are Stone Cold, Randy Orton or Shawn Michaels. I just assumed everyone would vote for Austin and that was that but then noticed HBK isn’t on the card anywhere else so now I don’t know. I tend to think they are going to screw with the votes here. But who knows. Jericho is the only heel with real heat and not just a crowd hating them cuz they suck so it doesn’t make sense to take the belt off of him. Look for shady business in the finish, though.

Steve:
Who Should Win: Jericho
Who Will Win: Jericho
Thoughts: Icoveredmy feelings on this match in pretty good detail earlier in the week, so there's no point in going over it all again. I don't expect any vote tampering here though. For some reason WWE never seems to do that even when it would be advantageous for them to do so. It makes storyline sense for Michaels to be the ref so he can screw with Jericho some more, but there's no way Austin is losing this vote. And while I'm disagreeing with Matt here, what does it matter if Shawn's not on the card anywhere else? He either sits it out or they find another place for him. I'm sure he could put in an appearance backstage or maybe even get involved in the finish of the match somehow.

WWE Champion Triple H vs. the fan's choice of: Jeff Hardy, Vladimir Kozlov or a Triple Threat match with both men.

Matt:
Who Should Win: Hardy:
Who Will Win: Trips
Thoughts: Need you ask? Trips just always wins. But it’s time to stop fucking around with Jeff. Shit or get off the pot. If you keep jobbing him out in the big one people will stop taking him seriously – if they haven’t already.

Steve:
Who Should Win: Jeff, but he's not going to.
Who Will Win: The H's
Thoughts: Again, I have to disagree with Matt a little. The fans won't stop taking Jeff Hardy seriously. He's a Hardy. Did they stop cheering for Matt when he was getting jobbed out left and right? No. WWE tried and tried and tried some more to toss the guy in a whole and cover him up, but it never worked. No matter what they did, he stayed over. RVD was the same way. Certain guys will always have the support of the fans no matter what, and Jeff is one of them. I'd love to see him finally win the big one, but it's not happening any time soon and it's probably his own fault. I hope I'm wrong about that statement and I probably will be sooner or later, but it's hard to pull the trigger on a guy that you'll have to fire if he fails another piss test. The fans will vote him in, but Kozlov will get involved and spoil the party....again.

ECW Champion Matt Hardy vs. the fan's choice of Evan Bourne, Finlay or Mark Henry.

Matt:
Who Should Win: Matt Hardy
Who Will Win: Matt Hardy
Thoughts: Well in this one you vote for Matt’s opponent. You can pick Bourne, Mark henry or Finlay. No one ever votes for the heel so Henry’s out and no one gives a shit about Finlay anymore so he’s gone too. So, I guess since there’’s only 4 guys in ECW that leaves us with Evan Bourne to go for the belt. I have high hopes that this will be a pretty good match but there’s no reason to put the strap on Bourne – so they won’t.

Steve:
Who Should Win: Matt Hardy
Who Will Win: Matt Hardy
Thoughts: Matt's right, Henry has no chance. Heels don't get voted into title matches unless they're geeks the fans know for certain won't beat their hero, like The Miz Last year in the ECW title match against CM Punk. Finlay has a shot, but Evan's getting the vote. I'm looking forward to that match, It could be a lot of fun if they give it some time. Then again, no matter who they put in there it should be decent. Yes, even Henry. The match those 2 had at No Mercy was surprisingly good.

Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella vs. the fan's choice of Rodney the Piper, the Honky Donkey Man or Goldendust.

Matt:
Who Should Win: Santino
Who Will Win: Santion
Thoughts: As much as I’d like to see Honky win his belt bck – I just don’t see it. But I love Santino. He’s about the only enjoyable thing on Raw right now and they might as well keep that little bit of entertainment going.

Steve:
Who Should Win: Santino...Unless he's wrestling Honky
Who Will Win: Santino
Thoughts: Piper could sneak in there, but my money's on the Honky Donkey Man. As much as I'm looking forward to this, it's happening way too soon. Honky and Santino shouldn't meet in the ring until the Honk-A-Meter shows that they're a week away from being tied for longest IC title reign. I should know better than to expect that kind of long-term build for anything, but a guy can dream.

Fan's choice of the following tag team matches: Miz & John Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme, William Regal & Layla vs. Jamie Noble & Mickie James or World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase vs. CM Punk & Kofi Kingston.

Matt:
Who Should Win: Cryme Tyme
Who Will Win: Cryme Tyme
Thoughts: Now this match may never happen as the voting here is to determine which match actually happens. I have to think it will be this one as it’s getting the most TV time and Cryme Tyme seem to be getting over. Witht hat said, the result is irrelevant. There is a good chance that the retards will vote for the Rhodes/DiBiase vs Punk/Kingston because it’s a title match but DiBiase and Rhodes are horribly boring so I’m hoping that’s not the case.

Steve:
Who Should Win: Cryme Tyme or Rhodes and DiBiase
Who Will Win: Cryme Time or Rhodes and DiBiase
Thoughts: If you think we're seeing the Regal match, you're insane. Let's get that out of the way right off the bat. I think this could be a close vote. The Cryme Tyme vs. Miz and Morrison feud has been getting a lot of attention, but getting to see a title match with CM Punk in it could be the deciding factor for a lot of people. If that's what we get, those people are going to wind up disappointed because there's no way the belts are coming off of Rhodes and DiBiase, at least not as long as they're still building up to the third generation stars stable or whatever it is they're doing with them and Orton. If that match doesn't happen, Cryme Tyme will win, the match will be fine, and there will be nothing more to say.

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane in the fan's choice of a Falls Count Anywhere match, a No Holds Barred match or a 2 Out Of 3 Falls match.

Matt:
Who Should Win: Rey
Who Will Win: Rey
Thoughts: Kane has long-since outlived his usefulness to the company and Rey is still a draw. Everyone loves the underdog story so I would assume Rey goes over. I guess we just forget about the whole mask thing that Kane wanted gone a month ago…

Steve:
Who Should Win: Rey
Who Will Win: Rey
Thoughts: Does anybody still care about this feud? Did anybody care about it to start with? Kane is trying his best to make the most of some awfully shitty material from "Creative" (which has pretty much been the story of his career when you think about it), but as good as he is in his character, things just aren't working out. Hopefully Rey wins a Falls Count Anywhere match and this storyline quietly ends.

The Undertaker vs. Big Show with the fan's choice of a Knockout Match, an I Quit match or a Last Man Standing match.

Matt:
Who Should Win: Big Show
Who Will Win: Undertaker
Thoughts: It’s hard to imagine which match fans will vote for here but my guess will be an “I Quit” because it leads to weapons. “Taker jobbed a month ago so he gets his win back this weekend. However, if they were smart they would let Big Show destroy him again which would make him strong and a legitimate monster which the company doesn’t currently have.

Steve:
Who Should Win: Big show
Who Will Win: Big Show
Thoughts: I have no idea what type of match people will choose, but it sure as shit won't be a Knockout match. That would favour the heel, plus I Quits and Last Man Standings are good more often than not. I'm picking Big Show to go over no matter the match so they can keep the storyline going until Edge comes back. If Taker wins then we're short one main event program on Smackdown, and a Triple H vs. Vladimir Kozlov title series isn't selling a single buy.

WWE Diva Halloween Costume contest.

Matt:
Who Should Win: EVERYONE loses.
Who Will Win: WWE has 40 of my hard earned dollars. So I guess them
Thoughts: I refuse to acknowledge that this is even happening.

Steve:
Who Should Win: Iron Mike Sharpe
Who Will Win: Barry Horowitz. He will then pat himself on the back for a job well done.
Thoughts: I wish this thing would be that awesome, but it's just chicks dressing up as stuff. If anybody cares, I'll be dressed as a person who does not give fuck number 1 about this segment.

United States Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. the fan's choice of MVP, R-Truth or Festus.

Matt:
Did not submit a pick for this match. I think it was added after he sent his sheet to me.

Steve:
WhoShould Win: R-Truth
Who Will Win: Shelton...Unless R-Truth wins the vote
Thoughts: R-Truth and Shelton have had a nice little angle going on Smackdown, so I expect that's the match we'll be getting. This match won't be on the pay-per-view itself, but will instead be streamed on WWE.com around 20 minutes before the main show starts. It makes sense for Truth to win the belt here even though it kind of leaves Shelton in a bad spot. The build has suggested that he'll be getting it sooner or later, and I could see WWE making the switch in an attempt to give the show an anything can happen type feel and maybe even drive a few more last minute impulse buys.

That's all there is, there ain't no more. Enjoy the show if possible, and we'll be back with another one of these next...yeah right. when we do one we do one. No promises. Promises and us don't mix well.

There's A Word For That?

woe! There's a name for that thing where someone's name fits the reason for them being in the news. It's nominative determinism, and it's been noticed for years in the magazine "New Scientist." That wiki has some amusing examples. wow, I didn't know that phenomenon had been noticed for that long.

I'm gonna Get Me Some Mercury And throw It Up And Down The Road

What on earth would compel someone to toss mercury from hand to hand as if it were a ball? And why, why, whywhywhywhywhy, if you saw someone doing that, would you not a. mention this to him, and if that didn't stop it, b. call someone like the cops? he isn't just endangering himself here. He's endangering everyone around him. Now he's dead, and his upstairs neighbours had to have their clothing and carpeting destroyed because of this! I'm sure they would have appreciated someone acting sooner than when the guy kicked the bucket from mercury poisoning.

But the extra weird thing is this isn't the only dude who played with mercury. there was a story in January about a man who gave his girlfriend's kids a jar of mercury to play with. These people are very much old enough to know better. How did they miss the lesson about mercury being poisonous?

It Lowers Pressure, blood Pressure

Who knew stinky farts could lower blood pressure? Well, apparently they can, and the especially bad news is that the researchers think a drug should be made to encourage the stinky kind of gas to be produced as a way of regulating blood pressure. I'd hate to be living with someone prescribed this drug. They may live longer, but their toxic emissions may kill you.

I do...Not Like This Contest

Wow. These people are wondering why their contest is getting 0 entries. I'm not. Who are they? Their an abstinence education program. What's their prize? A $10000-wedding giveaway. But, um, the contest has quite a few stipulations, or should I say deal-breakers, and I'm not even talking about the obvious one.

I'm picturing your average interested couple who are thinking about marriage. "Ooo! I could win a wedding! Lets' take a look at the contest rules. Hmmm.

• No premarital sex. Well I understand why they say that, they're an abstinence group.
• I have to go through premarital counselling with them? Hmm. well, some churches make you do that anyway.
• I can't serve booze at my own reception? Now, that's getting a little pushy.
• I have to invite the public? Nooo! Forget it! I'll pay for my own damn wedding!"

Because the deadline of October 31 is approaching and they've had no entries, they're willing to relax the requirements saying that if you've had premarital sex, you have to admit that it was the wrong choice.

There are so many problems with this that it's not funny. First, there's the basic problem with abstinence groups. when will they realize that it just doesn't work, and the more you tell people something shouldn't be done, the more they're going to want to do it? I'd rather have people be responsible about sex than be uninformed about it and find it all out way too late. Plus, two people don't always, hmmm, fit together, if you know what I mean. I'd rather know that before saying "I do." They want a marriage to last a llifetime? Well, passionless marriages don't usually do too well.

Then there's the issue of verification. Anyone can say anything, but are they going to make you go and get a doctor to verify that the girl is a virgin? And don't even get me started on that. *seethe seethe seethe* the dude could be screwing every girl in town. There's no way to know if he's pure and chaste. Ug. Why did I just write that word. And what if, horror of horrors, she was sexually abused as a child? Are they disqualified? The abstinence group can fuck right off, har har har, as far as I'm concerned. There is no justification for making someone get a medical exam to win a wedding.

But I don't think that's the main reason there are no takers. Who in their right mind would let John Q. Public come to their wedding? A wedding is something where you choose your guests because you want them to celebrate with you. You don't want creepy neighbour Bob showing up because he can. and no booze? come the fuck on! I don't drink much, I'll only have the fruity drinks and I can't stand wine and champagne and stuff, and I know everybody has booze at their wedding. It's just part of the whole thing. It doesn't mean it has to turn into a drunken brawl. Sometimes it does, as evidenced by our crazy wedding theme we've got going on, but people can be assholes when they're sober too.

All I can say is ha ha ha ha ha. I understand their trying to make themselves seem cool by giving away a wedding, but can we snip some of the attached strings, please?

Perhaps We Should Rethink The Name

Sears Canada recalls Cool Touch toasters for fire hazard

Land? What Land?

Uh, if you were spending $100000 on a piece of land, wouldn't you want to see it before paying for it? Not Bhola Sookram. And look at the trouble he's in. Um, how rich is this guy? Maybe I could sell him some ocean front property in Arizona. How much money should I ask for?

Bloody Hell!

wow. There's a new weapon to try and use to fend off police officers while trying to shoplift. Nothing will gross them out like a well-used and bloody female sanitary napkin. Those are their words, repeatedly used, not mine. But even funnier than the repeated use of those words is this priceless piece of writing.

Both officers told her to drop the well-used and bloody female sanitary napkin, but the suspect refused,” the affidavit states. “I delivered a firm, lawful command to the suspect to drop the object and told her it was gross. A female officer eventually put the “offensive and potentially dangerous biohazard item” in a plastic bag.

I love all the extra description of the nasty maxi-pad. I pity all the officers involved. that would be fucking disgusting. But why was it stipulated that the chick had to pick it up? It's just as potentially dangerous to her as the guys. For some reason I thought that wording looked funny to me.

I honestly don't know how cops put up with this stuff. There are some weirdies out there.

Your Song Review Of The Day. No, Make That Song Review Of The Gay

Good news Matt, you're notnearly as much of a homoas I said you were yesterday. At least that Pink song,while still god fucking awful, has it's catchy side.

I want you all, if you can stomach it, to take a listen toGotta Be Somebody.It's the new Nickelback song. It also sucks a gargantuan, throbbing, veiny penis.

I realize that this band hasn't come up with a decent idea since 2001, but I never thought things would, or could, get this bad. We're getting intoBackstreet Boys at the World Series last nightterritory here.

Speaking of which, I must respectfully disagree with the public address announcer. These men did not, in fact, honour America. They may have kicked it in the coins and had relations with it's wife and children, but honouring it was most certainly not on the agenda.

But back to Nickelback. Actually no, fuck Nickelback and fuck their stupid song. Anybody who likes it is either deaf or an asshole. Probably both, because what do deaf people know about music? And before anybody pulls the Beethoven card, what has he done lately? Yeah, that's what I thought. But in his defence, I bet if he ever does anything again it'll sound better than Nickelback.

2008 World Series Roundtable

So I thought it would be good for Steve and I to sit down and hammer out our steadfast belief of who would take this year's World Series. We are both opinionated fellows and these debates can, on occasion, be fairly interesting.

This is not one of those occasions as we are both picking Tampa in 6. That does not leave much room for debate.

With that said, I won't be shocked in the slightest if the Phillies win. This should be a very good series with lots of big homers. Neither team was expected to be here and it might be the most evenly matched World Series in a decade or so.

If the Phillies are going to win - they NEED to win tonight. Their big "Ace" in the hole is their Number 1 Pitcher Cole Hamels. He will pitch in Game 1 and, likely, Game 4. He will need to win both his starts for the Phillies to get this done.

FYI - Tampa will counter tonight with Scott Kazmir. This should be a good pitching battle tonight.

As an interesting aside. Tampa has home field advantage becuase, to many people's dislike, the World Series home games were determined at the All Star Game back in July. In a weird situation, the game went to extra innings and in the top of the 15th, Rays starter Scott Kazmir came in to pitch and struck out the side to sit down the National League. In the bottom of the 15th, Phillies closer Brad Lidge came in and the American League managed to score a run to get the win. That game Scott Kazmir (of the Rays) and the American League the win and Brad Lidge (of the Phillies) the loss for the National League. It's interesting that those two pitchers would be the two impacted in the World Series. It's rarely the case.

The first pitch flies in minutes - so enjoy the game and the series.

Oh Chute!

Oh boy. We first linked to a guy who went tumbling down a garbage chute after his hat, now we have a dude who got stuck in a chute he was trying to unclog. that must have sucked. the poor fucker's pants fell down. He's just lucky his wife was there and he didn't fall all ten floors.

Does the Plant Get More Hits Than Us?

Oh boy. Now we have a potted plant with a blog. Damn it to hell, the blog is in Japanese, and there's no link to it that I can find in the news story. But the idea is dumb. The plant, oh, sorry, it has a name, Midori-san, has sensors on it that record light and human touch, and then that info is combined with weather data, which is sent to a computer which somehow tries to create idle chatter-like blog posts. The researchers say this should reveal the internal goings on of the plant. Uh, no. it's only recording what we think are interesting internal goings on, and a computer algorithm is trying to turn this data into words. I don't know what we're reading, but I don't think it's going to provide insight.

Gees, are rocks going to be the next bloggers? Now that I've said that, some chunk of granite will start blogging.

Invisible Sanity

Can somebody please tell me what invisible string looks like? I can't figure out how Iranians saw it on a pigeon. This is going to sound mean, but is their an outbreak of schizophrenia in Iran, or are there a lot of people suffering from some kind of hallucinations? Invisible string? What the hell is invisible string?

I'm All For Giving A Helping Hand, But Not That Kind

If this is true, that's disgusting. If it's not, there are going to be some very angry folks at New Zealand care. Six women who used to work for them, who all left around the same time, have said they were ordered to aid their cllients in masturbating. The company is vehemently denying that this was what happened, but there are six women here, all of whom seem quite believable according to some other people they met with to talk about it.

That's just ug. Hopefully somebody can figure out what the story is.

If He Should Ever Leave You, Thank Your Lucky Stars Immediately

You know, thatnew Waking Eyes song I don't really like,it isn't so bad. And as much as it pains me to say this, neither isAll Summer Longnow that I think about it.

Why the sudden change of heart? Well, it's quite simple really. You see, last nightthisentered my life, setting new standards for awful in the process.

The this in question is If He Should Ever Leave You, the first single from the new Tom Jones album. Yes, that Tom Jones. The It's Not Unusual Tom Jones. The Tom Jones that in spite of ourselves, most of us can't help but like. Well...I think I can help it now.

I honestly cannot find adequate words in any thesaurus to describe the utter horror you're listening to at this moment. It's just...just...it's bad. Imagine what it would be like if Tom Jones was trying really hard to sound like Tom Jones but couldn't quite pull it off because he sounded like a crackly-voiced old guy. Wouldn't that be sad? I'll answer that for you. Yes, it is.

And the lyrics...oh sweet lord the lyrics.

Careful what you do
He's so in love with you
You might tear him apart.
To watch the way you move
It's obvious that you
were made for breaking hearts.

the pout of your lips
Those soft fingertips
The curve of your waist
your perfectly made.

And it only gets worse from there, believe it or not.

By the way, the last line I'm guessing at because I had to write that out by hand. I hope you all realize what that means. I put myself through this atrocity again just so I could do that. The things I do for you people.

I don't know what else I can say here. My will to exist has been taken away from me. Callously snatched by a horrible song and the nimrods all over the internet who seem to like it for God knows what reason. That reason has to be pity, it's the only thing that makes sense. Unless the sound of 3 minutes and 32 seconds of the mighty falling to earth with a resoundingly shitty thump is something you genuinely enjoy, you're lying to yourself and the world by claiming you like it. That is a fact, I am not wrong.

How Gay Is It?

So I've already accepted that what I'm about to ask will get me endlessly slammed and, to some degree, makes me gay. The reasoning for the post is to find out just how gay.

On a scale of "Stuck in the Closet" to "Sucking 3 Dicks in a Nightclub Bathroom" - how gay does the fact that I kind of enjoy the song So What by Pink make me?

Just for my own piece of mind, you understand.

Criminally Clumsy

Hey there Jose M. Diaz Jr. Maybe when you're locked up in the maximum security jail, why they felt the need to do that I don't know, you should get your eyes checked. I mean, who slams into a glass door so hard that he cuts his head and then thwonks a concrete post in the parking lot? Either you need your eyes, or your head, examined. Something's wrong somewhere.

It's Hallowee'ee'een

To lead off - may I suggest you all acquire the song Halloween by AFI? It's kinda old and really short - but I guaruntee you'll be humming it until Easter.

So my interest in Halloween tends to come and go. And not like most people where it comes around every October as it should. it's more of an every couple of years kind of thing. The last time I got in to Halloween was during my final year of college and me and buddy went as Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble. They're not horribly creative costumes but they were pretty authentic and well done and we had a great time. Last year, for whatever reason, I just never got in to it. There were a few parties available but I just didn't feel like making the ffort of finding a decent costume. I tend to try and lean more on the funny or clever than the traditional scarey and I guess I just wasn't that funny last year. Many would say I never was/am.

This year there's a couple good parties I'd like to attend, and one I think I've settled on. The problem is, I once again can not come up with a good costume. If anyone has any ideas - feel free to comment and throw them at me. I'm all ears.

There's A Word For That

Child So Stupid She Sees Letters Backwards

Craig's Decoy List

Damn! Usually, we have stories of dumb criminals, but this one is brilliant!

A guy decided to rob an armoured truck. I guess he thought a good disguise would be a dust mask, respirator, yellow vest, safety goggles and a blue shirt. But then he thought he'd be too obvious. So what did he do? He put an ad on Craigslist asking for road workers, and told them to show up near the bank where the truck was, wearing a dust mask, a respirator, a yellow vest, safety goggles and, if possible, a blue shirt. Well, he got a way, down a river in an inner tube no less, and when police arrived, they found a dozen men who looked exactly like the dude. I wonder if they'll ever catch him. That's some fine planning.

Fantastic!

If you're writing a story about a gay pride festival, I suppose it only makes sense that one of the first people you would interview would beDick Hunter.

Sometimes You Don't Get What You Pay For

Seems the Canada Revenue Agency is doinga pretty shitty job of keeping things safe.In fact, the job they're doing is so shitty that...

Included among the stolen items were two video-surveillance cameras, meant to deter thieves, together worth $8,244.

Another surveillance camera was stolen the year before, along with $10,000 worth of metal bars and door handles.

Security cameras being stolen is funny, but if it's that easy to lift things from those offices, what does that say about the security of all that personal information that we're legally obliged to provide them every year? Whatever it is, it ain't good.

Wrestling Sucks This Week

Man, did Raw suck last night or what? As shows on an average week go it was pretty bad, but the fact that whatever the hell we were subjected to last night was the go home show for Cyber Sunday made it even worse. Much like most weeks watching Impact, all I could do was sit there and try to imagine who could possibly be sitting in a similar position to the one I'm in and be thinking "boy oh boy, I can't wait to spend $40 on this show, it looks freakin amazing!" The idea is to use the TV show not only to make us aware that there is a pay-per-view coming up, but also to make us care enough that there is a pay-per-view coming up to get us to pay to view it. I mention this because people who run wrestling companies forget this more often than they remember it anymore.

There were exactly 3 things of any value on the entire show last night. Stone Cold Charlie Haastin was entertaining, but had nothing to do with the PPV. It would be great if they'd put him in a match and let people choose which character he would play. That's money right there. Santino's promo was good, but that generally goes without saying. If I were around this weekend and thinking about ordering the show, he's pretty much the only reason why I would at this point. Instead I shall watch it for free a few days later and know in my heart and my wallet that I made the right decision. There was also the John Morrison and The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston and CM Punk tag match. I don't have much to say about it, it was fine and didn't put me to sleep or make me angry. On this show, that's a win.

I won't bother going over everything that stunk, we'd be here all day if I did. But I do need to touch on that Russorrific illogical clusterfuck of a main event.

Jericho is whining about not being respected. Batista comes out and tells him that respect is earned, not demanded. This is all fine in large part because of Jericho's greatness. So then Mike Adamle makes a gauntlet main event in which Batista and Jericho will take on the same 3 opponents separately, one after the other. Somehow the performances of each guy will determine who gets respect. Don't ask me, I don't write the stuff, I just watch it...for some reason.

So on to the match we go. The first man out is William Regal. He is quickly killed by both men. Michael Cole, who has to be the stupidest announcer this side of Don West, actually asked Jerry Lawler "so King, do you think it's an advantage or a disadvantage to go first against an opponent in a match like this?" If I were smart I would have done what Matt did a few minutes earlier and switch to The Daily Show. But since I am a fool, on I pressed. The next man out was Mark Henry. Jericho, raw's champion, can't pin him, opting to get himself disqualified instead. I guess that's ok because Jericho is a heel and Henry is a top contender for the title on ECW and should be protected. But if that's the case, why is he in the damn match? So then it's Batista's turn with Henry. So much for protecting him. Batista squashes him in less than 20 seconds. Last guy out is Kane who...proceeds to pin Chris Jericho. Yes, that's what happened. Seriously. So then it's Batista's turn. I think he pinned Kane even quicker than he pinned Mark Henry. One spear and it's over.

Let's recap what this segment established. William Regal should under no circumstances be taken seriously. Chris Jericho sucks. Batista does not. Mark Henry sucks, but only on Raw. Kane sucks, but only when somebody needs to be put over. Jericho, who sucks, will win on Sunday. He will win not only because Batista's gimmick for the last 2 years is that he sucks in title matches, but also because nobody looks as bad as Jericho did here without getting his win back unless he failed a drug test or did something else to get himself heat backstage. All of this, for lack of a better word, sucked. And if there's any justice in this world, the buyrate for Cyber Sunday will suck too. Maybe it isn't entirely fair to say that WWE didn't sell any pay-per-views with this stuff. They did. Thing is, most of them were probably buys for the UFC show the night before. Nice work, guys.

Speaking of things that suck, can we fuck off with the WWE universe thing? Please? It would be fine if they A. used it sparingly and B. used it to refer to the 3 brands that make up the company, but that's not how it works. Not only does everybody use it to a ridiculous degree in their interviews and commentary now, but they use it in reference to the fans. Yes, we're not fans anymore, we're stars or planets or space junk or whatever else makes up a universe. In a way I suppose it's fair since the wrestlers aren't allowed to be wrestlers anymore and are forced to be superstars, but that's just me stretching for something positive to say about it. In reality it's a horribly stupid and meaningless bit of marketing tripe that's being pushed down our throats and won't make anybody a dime. Here's an idea. Instead of spending your time on slogans, try spending it on the product for a change. That's where the real money is, plus it will have the added benefit of increasing the likelihood that we won't have to sit through shitfests the likes of which anybody who stuck it out endured last night.

The Waking Eyes Should Be Put To Sleep For This

Yes, I know that title sucks. Eat me. Actually no, eat Matt. I'm too good for all of you.

I have a message for good bands everywhere. For God's sake, stop experimenting with your sound! And by good bands everywhere, today I meanThe Waking Eyes.

I was really happy when I heard that you had a new album coming out soon, because Video Sound was awesome. In fact it was so awesome that it was even one of my favourite CD's for a little while. Yes,I thought it was that good. So yeah, I was pretty stoked when I read that you were putting out a new one in November.

But then something happened. That something was me hearingthe new single.I'm not sure what you were aiming for there, but if the goal was to sound like every shitty over-rated indie band to come along in at least the last 7 years, congrats on a job well done. Please, explain to me how you go from stuff likethisto whatever the hell that thing is supposed to be. Or better yet, explain why you'd want to. Seriously, this song is bad. It's notAll Summer Long bad,but it's bad enough that it took me 2 tries to listen to it all and it's only a 3 minute song. Do better, please.

Oh Shut Up

SellOffVacations.com is currently running an ad for some special they have on about travelling down south. The catch line at the end of the commercial is "At these prices, it would cost you more to stay home."

This, of course, is a mathematical impossibility. At least I think it is. Unless you're currently selling off these trips at less than the cost of my weekly groceries, then you need to shut the fuck up and not say stupid shit.

I get it. I mean advertising is so bad these days and it's gone to trying to communicate at the lowest common denominator. Every commercial, for every company seems to need some snappy little tagline at the end. it doesn't. Just get your point or product out there and stop trying to be clever, unless you, y'know, actually are clever.

Meanwhile, back to this piece of shit commercial. I think it likely came from Selloffcommercials.com

Later




PS: See? isn't that annoying? That last line wasn't funny! It's just a tag on to wrap things up. Lazy writing! Difference is I'm not getting paid so you can all lick my poop-shooter.

Something Else That Bugs Me and Tampa Wins! Hur.... RAY!

There's nothing like an awful pun to brighten your day.

I'm pretty happy to see Tampa move on. it was a great game last night. If you watched it you'll know what I mean. The Baseball Gods will always give you your chance if it's a good game. If you're getting blown out from start to finish, than the Gods aren't watching. But if you have a game like last night you know they're tuned in and will give you your shot. In the 8th inning when Boston loaded the bases and Tampa brought in their rookie left hander - that was Boston's chance to get back in it and maybe, not just tie it, but take the lead. I knew as soon as they couldn't bring another run across the plate the game was over and they wouldn't get it done in the 9th. That's just how it works. I don't know why - but even when the leaf-off man got on for Boston in the 9th I never had a doubt that Tampa was moving in. The Gods will give you your shot - but if you don't take it - you won't get another.

Something that's been bugging me. I'm not a fan of the TBS crew that's been covering the games. Earlier in the series the team dubbed James Shields "Big Game James." Alright. It's catchy. But it was the first big game he'd ever been in in the majors since his team has been garbage for... ever. But what are you gonna say? Everyone's excited and the young team is looking good so I let them off the hook. Then, last night when Matt Garza left the game, for some reason, the same guy blurted out "Big Game Garza" as they went to commercial. Like, give me a break. Again, another first time big game pitcher... and.... you're not exactly being too creative here. It's the same name. Are we just going to take to calling the entire team "Big Game Jim Rectumsnatch"? or "Big Game Steve Lotzaphat"? If we're going to be handing out bad nicknames on a dialy basis - let's at least come up with a new one.

Sincerely,
Big Game Matt Infrequentpost

Don't Put Le Bang On Le Wang

This shouldn't be funny to me, but for some reason, it is.

Among the latest products from China that have way too much melamine in them, all different manner of sex spreads.

As an aside, what a lame company name for sex toys and such. "Le bang."

I See A Violation, But Not Of Housing Code

U.S. jails mustn't be too crowded if some city inspectors want to throw an 83-year-old woman in jail for a garage that was converted to a bedroom. yeah, it's a public safety issue. Um, dudes, the house has been like this for 30 years without endangering public safety. How about just waiting until someone else moves in and then saying they have to change it. Leave the old lady alone.

Not to Gloat....

Anyone notice who got the big hit last night? It might have been Jason Varitek. Do you think people in Boston were booing him from their living rooms? Likely not.

So, I was wrong. It's going 7. If I had to put money on the game now, I'd put it on Boston just like everyone else is just because of how young they are and how nervous they looked las tnight. That said, I hope to hell the Rays win.

If I'm hoping to Hell the Rays win.... Would that make them the.... Devil Rays again? Hyuck Hyuck Hyuck.

Game 7's in baseball are always great and if I'm Matt Garza, the pitcher going for Tampa tonight, I wake up today saying to myself "There's not a person in the United States who thinks I have a shot to win tonight. Let's see if I can prove them wrong." That's all he can do and what good athlete's do. If he can go out and shut down Boston in the first inning or two then his team can feed on off of his confidence and know that they're in this game.

It should be good.

Yankee Light

So, tonight is Game 6 for the Red Sox and Rays. The Rays had a seven run lead in Game 5 and couldn't lock it down. I'm not sure what to make of that. I think you can probably make equal arguments for crediting Boston and for blaming Tampa.

Let's be fair, while Boston has not looked good at all in this series, they are a great team. They are World Series Champions until someone beats them. Right now, that has not happened. At the same time I think it's fair to say that the young, inexperienced Rays got a little ahead of themselves and a bit excited with their big lead and let it slip away. The real test is tonight. Can they regain their composure and put away the Sox - or is this going 7?

Well I would tend to say that Boston has only prolonged the inevitable. Tampa has been the better team and has lit up the Boston pitching in 5 of 6 games and Beckett is going tonight who has not been good.

All that said, it's not what I wanted to write about. What I'm about to say is something that I KNOW erks Boston fans more than anything else you can say to them...

You're Yankee wannabes.

Even if I were willing to overlook the fact that while you bitch about the money the Yankees spend while spending more than 28 other teams in the league (I'm not willing to, by the way) I'm still horribly offended by the attitude of fans in the stands who have tried to turn Fenway Park in to Yankee Stadium with their chants and jeers.

At the beginning of this series, while Jason Varitek and David Ortiz were not performing, fans of the Red Sox began loudly boo and jeer these two men. After 100 years of not winning a World Championship, these 2 guys were the 2 chief players, not to mention heart and soul, of the team and once Boston started to struggle all of a sudden they're bums worthy of being booed. Give me a break. Nothing says Yankee fan like unfair booing.

I get it. I'm a sports fan. You pay your money and you wanna see your team perform but pick a more suitable target. Crap like this just irritates to me no end.

Oh. And let's not forget about Thursday night. When Boston was still down and out and David Ortiz was the one to smack the hit that got the whole comeback started he becomes a hero again. Hypocrites. If I was him I would have come out of the dugout for a curtain call that no one asked for and flipped everyone in the stands off.

Enjoy the game.

Remember, Tattoos Are Forever

It's too bad blane dickinson, the guy who wanted to tattoo breakfast on someone's head, didn't meet Marcos Paiz, someone willing to allow his torso to be used as a practice space by tattoo artists, so much so that he posted an ad on Craigslist saying so. But I guess Dickinson did want to tattoo someone's head, and Paiz said nothing about that.

My big question is the guy says he doesn't want anything crazy. But how can he be sure he won't get something he doesn't want? That's a lot of trust to put in a random tattoo artist. I mean, he's not paying for it, so there's nothing except the artist's word to keep him from giving Mr. Paiz a big old swastika.

All I can say is I hope that whoever practices on him doesn't suck at it. Otherwise, he may end up having a torso covered in horible disfigurements.

Wouldn't You Agree This Commercial Is Crappy Crappy?

Ack, I forgot one piece of utter lameness from Wendy's. It can't go unmentioned.

There was a commercial for some Wendy's chicken salad that went something like "If crispy chicken breast is good, and crunchy veggies are good, then wouldn't putting the two together be... good good?"

first of all, what the hell is "good good?" It's lame lame, that's what it is.

And thinking that two things that are good on their own should automatically go well together is one of the stupidest ideas ever. chocolate is good. Turkey is good. Chocolate and turkey are not good together. I refuse to repeat the offending double word. I think you get my point.

Ok, now I think I'm done eating Wendy's attempts at PR. that was way too easy.

It's Way Mind-Numbing, It's Wendy's!

I was watching TV, and suddenly, I jumped up and had to come post something. The Wendy's commercials are for complete and utter morons. They have to be! Let's go down the list of horrors I've heard spat at me by that woman they have doing all their talking in those commercials.

Why not start with their stupid slogan. "It's way delicious." Uh, ok? First of all, it's not delicious. The only things sorta good at Wendy's are the baked potatos or the chili. the rest, if anything, is way disgusting, or better yet, way undercooked. But who says way anything anyway? It just sounds, well, way stupid.

If that's not bad enough, how about the commercial that says you can have a one-handed sandwich with a two-handed taste? What the fuck does that even mean? I've neverr tasted two hands.

but the one that made me jump from the couch as if thrown by catipult was, "Get ready for 360 degrees of flavour." Flavour is measured in degrees? This is news to me! It either means that this new sandwich is impossibly hot, over 3 times the boiling point of water, or somehow, taste is an angle, and if you flip the sandwich, it will still taste like something, unlike those 180-degree sandwiches we've grown to hate.

Gaaa! I'm going to snap! No, I'm going to way snap!

The Press Release Is The Light. Patterns From Nothing Are King

Woohoo, it's been settled. That babbling doll isn't saying anything. Oh, that's not quite right. She says one word, and that's "mama". I quote directly from the press release.

The Little Mommy Cuddle 'n Coo dolls feature realistic baby sounds including cooing, giggling, and baby babble with no real sentence structure. The only scripted word the doll says is "mama." There is a sound that may resemble something close to the word "night, right, or light."

I know some press releases can be full of crap, but I'm inclined to believe this one, especially since the Gastonia Gazette showed that the message wasn't so clear. They went out, bought one of the dolls and asked some people to listen to it, without giveing them any ideas. The listeners thought maybe they heard the word "light" or "life" but nothing else.

So ha ha, there ya go. To the people who heard "Islam is the light" or "Satan is king," it's all in your heads.

What A Sour Note

Here's another example of people's senseless response to an email. Apparently, pianist Huntley Brown sent to a few of his friends the reasons why he can't vote for Obama. They had been telling him to vote for Obama because he is black, and Brown is black, and he told them why he didn't agree. Then, as always happens with the internet, the email was spread like mad, to the point where it made it to Snopes. When they contacted Brown to find out if the email was his, he said it was, but added a sad point.

The sad part is I have been getting hate mail and my family is being harassed. As you can imagine not everyone is happy with my e-mail.

come on people. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. We can't all agree. At least his has some facts behind it that aren't all piles of hui. I don't agree with a lot of his feelings, but at least he knows what he stands for. The only place where I have to chuckle is where he hastily recants his statements about gays. Now now, Mr. Brown, if that's how you feel, stand by it. You either do or you don't. You laid it out pretty heavily in the email, which you say you wrote.

come on everybody, take that energy that you're using to harass people and put it into doing something productive. Leave the man and his family alone.

for The Love Of god, Don't Let This Email Reach Florida!

Ug. Here's another episode of "we're so dumb, we can't see through a joke."

apparently, there's an email going around that is claiming that the U.S. voter turnout will be so ungodly high that voting needs to be split down the middle, with those voting republican coming to the polls on November 4, and those voting for democrats showing up a day later. the email says they're amazed that it hasn't been covered much in the media, but they're sure it will be soon.

Hellooo! In case it isn't obvious to anyone with at least a few neurons firing, don't follow these directions. Do you actually think they can predict voter turnout? If they could, it would probably be on the low side. It should have been high in 2004, but oh no, it wasn't.

And, if you're supposed to show up on a certain day if voting for a certain party, um, what happened to the anonymity of voting? It's gone, gone gone gone. Somehow I don't think such a system would be brought into existence.

Of course, anyone who follows those instructions won't be voting for anyone because they will have missed election day. Just so we're clear, if you're American, vote on November 4 or earlier, don't vote later, got it?

Straight Tickets Are Anything But Straight Forward

No wonder there are so many problems with elections in the United States. Who could possibly make sense out of any ofthis?I like to think that I'm a reasonably smart guy, but I've read this twice and still have no idea what the heck I'd supposed to be doing to make my votes count. The office of President is not a Partisan Office in some places but is in others. You can vote a straight ticket and cast a vote for everything unless you can't on a district by district or State by State basis...but not for judges. and even if you do everything right to the best of your abilities it still might not be good enough because voting machines are known to be buggy. Got all that? Yeah, me neither.

I'm not sure what else to say, other than it seems they left a section out of thewhy are other people better at elections than Americaarticle that Ann left in the comments for us. Oh, that reminds me, don't forget to take ourshould voting be mandatory poll if you haven't already. I assure you, it isn't nearly as confusing as any of the things you've just read.

One more thing. Ironically, the turnout for the poll so far has only been a tiny fraction of our readership, much like real elections. I'm not sure what that means, but let's do better, ok?

Journey By A London Bus

Since we've already well covered the fine art ofcatching and standing on busses in literary form,all that's left is to present a video demonstration of these things for the benefit, I suppose, of people for whom books and signs are too complex.

One thing to note. Books and signs, 2008. Eight minute instructional film, 1950. Progress, kids.

Me+Math = No Buys

And If You Direct Your Attention To The X-Axis, You'll Find I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About

If for some reason I ever found myself teaching a math class, this is exactly what it would be like.

I don't know why, but the ability to do math, even the really simple stuff, has always eluded me. And when I say eluded, I mean it's seriously outrunning me, to the point where adding up something as easy as 12+11 requires me to count it out on my fingers or at least do it in segments in my head. And don't get me started on the shit with letters in it. does anybody actually use that stuff? No, I mean out in the world. I sat through years of that garbage, barely passing classes, feeling like I was wasting my life. And from the day I walked out of my final high school math class, how many times do you think I've ever had an absolute need to use math with letters in it? If you said 0, you win! And contrary to what teachers and dorks everywhere would have me believe, I've had a pretty nice life so far. The bottom line is this. There are very few things in my life that have ever made me feel completely useless and stupid. A couple of them are ex-girlfriends, and the other is mathematics.

I have no idea why I just told you all of that,but at least you have a decent idea of why that wacky link up there got posted now.

If Ya gotta Pound, On somebody's Chest, Think "Stayin' alive", "stayin' Alive"

Apparently, someone with a sense of humour did some research and found that CPR chest compressions are done at near perfect rhythm if done to the beat of "Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees." The number of beats per minute matches the number of compressions per minute for optimal success.

At first, I thought the song was too slow, but now that I've listened to it again, I think I agree.

So, if you have to save someone's life with CPR, what better song to use to keep your timing?

Title: The Act Of Titling

While I was writingthat last post,I went and looked upthe word gestationjust to make sure I was spelling it right. Check out the first definition that Dictionary.com chucked back at me.

–noun
the process, state, or period of gestating.

Um...uh...er...thanks?

Dictionaries have been doing things like that forever and I've never understood why. Even as a kid who didn't know what 3 quarters of the words in the gigantic book meant, I was still able to grasp how dumb that is. If I'm looking up the word, explaining it by giving me a different form of the same word ain't gonna help, chief. Why not just define the actual word, list all of the different suffixes underneath it and not bother with all of the useless entries? It would save a lot of time and frustration, not to mention paper.

Something To Consider

The expression " the father of our country" is kind of a weird one, don't you think? Whenever somebody says it, you can't help but picture some guy from the 1500's humping a giant land mass and then 9 months later or whatever the gestation period for a thriving world power would be, office buildings and residential areas start popping up everywhere.

I can't be the only person to ever get that vision...can I? Hello? Somebody?

Good News bad News

The doctor takes Greg into his office and closes the door.

"Greg, I have some good news and some bad news," he says.

"Give me the good news first doc," Greg replies.

"They're going to name a disease after you..."

He's Good For A Laugh, Marking One Of The Few Times A Lawyer Has Been Good For Something Other Than Abusing

Some people, especially lawyers I'm convinced, exist for the soul purpose of pissing other people off.

Animal Cruelty Suspect's Lawyer Unavailable Because He's Going Hunting

BREVARD COUNTY, Fla. -- The lawyer for a Brevard County woman accused of starving her dog to death says he won't be available for a trial because he's going hunting.

Defense attorney Andrew Stine announced his hunting trip in front of a group of animal rights activists Wednesday.

The rest of the story is pretty sad, but that part greatly entertains me.

Vote...Or Else!

A vote for mandatory voting

I'm not sure how I feel about this idea. I'd love it if everybody voted, but forcing people to exercise their rights in a free country kind of flies in the face of the whole free country thing. But on the other hand, do we really live in a free country to begin with? The very fact that we have laws to tell us what we absolutely can and cannot do suggests that we don't, and when so much of the content of those laws is influenced by special interest groups and rich corporate lobbyists, it sometimes doesn't seem like we live in much of a democratic one either.

And how mandatory is something that you can get out of simply by sending $20 to the government? Actually, now that I think about it, the way Canadians react to giving money to the government, I'd expect 98% voter turnout at every election for the rest of time.

So what do you think? Let us know in our snazzy new mandatory poll...If it's working for you. If you can't see the poll or have some other problem, let us know. We're just testing this out and will probably end up working out some bugs.

 

It's Joke Time!

I've been getting some pretty good jokes sent to me lately, so it's time to post a few. Some of these are pretty stupid, but that's never stopped me before. A few might also be considered offensive by some, but if some aren't expecting that,then some haven't been paying attention.

*A man goes into a library and asks to check out a book on suicide.

The librarian looks at him and says "NO, you won't bring it back."

*Q. What's the difference between Sarah Palin's vagina and her mouth?
A. Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

*Q. What do you call a black Frenchman?
A. Jacques Custodian.

*I was crossing the street when I was hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming and screaming. The driver looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."

*Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

*A woman walks into a pet store looking for a bargain.

"I haven't got much money," she tells the clerk, "so I'd like to know if you've got any kittens you'll let go cheap."

"I'd let them, Ma'am," said the clerk, "but they prefer to meow."

And finally...

*If you've ever wondered what it sounds like when a Scottish farmer counts his sheep, it goes something like this: "205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210...."

I say this all the time, but I swear, I'll try to get better about posting this stuff. By the way, if you've got anything good, feel free to pass it along.

Drunken Fat Boy

I don't have anything else to say except oh look! A drunken horse in a pool! Hahahahahahha! That's about as funny as the drunken moose. And they both ate rotten apples.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

McCain campaign protests YouTube's DMCA policy

That's what you get forvoting for such a shitty law,ya dumbass.

A Family Reunion Of Sorts

What a horrible way to die, but also, what a preventable way to die. I commend 77-year-old Gérard Lacombe for wanting to maintain his wife and parents' graves. but...couldn't he have done it with the help of staff at the graveyard? did he have to do it alone at Thanksgiving? Did he have to crawl in the hole? there were tools that could have prevented the soil from shifting after the stone was dislodged, if he'd only used them...but he didn't, and so he was crushed by his parents' tombstone, and needs to go to his final resting place.

How tragic, how sad, how...stupid!

They're As Cold As Their Mother's Corpse...Before It Was Cremated That Is

This story makes me shiver. I know there are stories of kids not saying their parent is dead to continue collecting dead mom or dad's social security cheques, but...this is just over the top. I mean, they cremated her body in the homemade barbecue! The daughter is wearing a piece of her skull as a necklace! I hope these two rot somewhere. Maybe someone will use pieces of their bones for something later.

If Only It Worked That Way

Meet Joel and Donna Brinkle. They're a couple of wackos who think they're their own nation, and can take whatever property they want. They lost their property because they refused to pay taxes, and now scrape by and live in low-income housing. But here's the question. what do they scrape by on? That would be social security. Hmmm. How can citizens who say they're a sovereign nation get social security? They must have taken a page from Quebec's book, called Sovereignty Association.

Making Things Right

Greg had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming away and cooling off, he started to think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty about all the trauma he had caused. So to make things right, he decided to buy her a gift.

"Anything at all my love," he said, overcome with remorse.

"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive that I don't really need."

"Great idea," he said.

So the following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

Holy Crap, Is TheWorld About To End?

Here's a crazy story. I was walking along, and Trixie signaled to me that she needed to do some business. We'd been walking for some time, so it was completely understandable. I checked and there was an outer grass line she could use, but it seemed kind of narrow, but I figured she'd be ok. As she started to circle, someone came up and asked me if I needed help. I told her my dog was taking a wizz. She was worried as well about the narrow grass, so I asked her if the inner grass was owned by anyone, because I didn't want my dog peeing on someone's private lawn. She told me it was a huge patch of lawn belonging to a funeral home, so they probably wouldn't care. In the interest of safety, I moved Trix over and she peed pretty quickly. I had a feeling there was a round 2 in our future, so I let her dance around a bit. There was, and surprisingly, the lady was still around. She told me my dog was "doing her business." she didn't say she was pooping, or anything else, which I sure wasn't expecting. Then she even offered to put the bag of dog doo in a nearby trash can! This made me happy, because I didn't know where the nearest one was, and if she wasn't around, I didn't relish asking the next pedestrian if they knew where a trash can was. I thanked her, she asked me if I was good to go, I said I was, and we were off!

This should be a mundane story, something that happens all the time. but it put a spring in my step. Do you want to know why? Because this woman

• spoke to me in a respectful manner,
• listened to what I had to say,
• responded appropriately,
and
• was very helpful!

It happens so rarely that I came home raving about it. Now what does that tell you?

Randon Rantings

Hello, friends

So I should apologize for the lack of posting I've done. it's a long story I won't bore you with - but in the interest of not glazing over it I'll just say it's been hectic, and somewhat productive, few weeks in the job hunting department.

Onward!

The Baseball playoffs are in full swing but to much less fan-fare than usual. Much of this is likely due to the lack of either New York teams, which tend to draw large nationwide audiences. Things are likely to get worse before they get better in terms of ratings.

Right now, Philadelphia and Tampa Bay are poised to move on to the World Series. These are two teams that do not enjoy large followings of fans outside their cities, and in the case of Tampa Bay you could argue, even in their city. The two teams that Tampa and Philadelphia have strangleholds on are the LA Dodgers and the Boston Red Sox. Both big markets and both with large followings outside those markets. That combination would also draw the added soap opra storyline of Manny Ramirez returning to Boston to face his old team.

While it looks unlikely that this will become the case, you have to think that MLB Broadcasters and their advertisers are paying for miracle.

Interestingly, the small market teams may not be the biggest ratings killer for the World Series. It is possible, and likely - if you ask me, that Philadelphia could wrap up their series with a win tonight and that Tampa could polish of Boston tomorrow night. However, due to the playoff schedule being laid out before they started - game 1 of the World Series would not be played until next Wednesday. That would mean a 6 day lay-off for the Phillies and a 5 day break for the Rays. That is an eternity for fans of a sport that is used to having their team play almost every night. Any momentum, which is non-existant as is, that had been built will be long dead by the time next Wednesday rolls around.

The reason for laying out the schedule this way? Well in the past MLB has liked to start the World Series on a Saturday night. However, it has become evident that Saturday is a dead TV night. Sunday is loaded with NFL football and other good prime-time programming. So you're looking at having your series be two games old by the time people actually start to watch. I guess they think by starting Wednesday you can get people hooked with a couple games and then keep them through the weekend. Iunderstand skipping Monday due to Monday Night Football... What's wrong with Tuesday? Oh well.

An interesting side-effect of the long break is that it works out great for the two managers who will want to get their pitching rotations set. Typically in a series if you get to a game 6 or 7 and you want to start your Ace, you do it with the knowledge that you've now lost him for Game 1 and 2 of the next series and now you're looking at only getting your best pitcher in to 2 games (3 and 7) in the next round as opposed to 3 if he were rested. So I guess it works out well for someone.

Hockey is now in full swing. The Leafs haven't really given anyone an indication as to what type of team they're going to be this year, though the smart money is still on being a bad one. However, after opening the season with a one goal victory over the defending champions, the Leafs promptly were spanked 6-1 by the Canadiens on Saturday. That was followed on Monday afternoon with a shootout loss to St Louis in which they looked like a very good team in the first half of the game - and a fairly bad one for the second. So after three games we've assentially a seen a win, a loss and a tie... I guess we'll have to keep waiting. The Leafs face the currently undefeated Rangers on Friday.

I think that'll due for now. I hope all our Canadian friends had a good Thanksgiving and our American friends.... a good Columbus Day. Someone tell me what you guys do down there on Columbus Day. I mean, I know what you're celebrating... I just don't know how you celebrate it.

Money As Debt

This video says a lot of things that we sort of already know, but does it in a mind-twisting fashion. Its basic premise is that money is a concept, which Steve said, among other things. So go twist your mind.

As an aside, there are big chunks of dialogless audio. I'd love to know what's goin' on there.

Oh Rats!

Attention fans ofThe Darwin Awards.Watch for the name David Stanifer. I have a feeling you'll be seeing it one day if this is any indication.

Flaming Pet Rat Starts Fire, Damages Titusville Home

The quick and dirty of the story is that this guy and a couple of buddies were having some fun chasing their pet rat Amelia Earhart around the garage. They didn't want to lose her so they tied some rope and bells to her. for some reason, twine needed to be cut, scissors were unavailable and lighters were employed. Fires were started shortly thereafter when the rat, understandably freaked out, started running around and igniting things. Damage to the house is estimated at $30000, while damage to the rat is estimated at $0.

"I had a few beers before it happened," said Stanifer.

"You don't say," said Steve.

Finally Some Clean Politics

Clean cars reflect election outcome?

One local businessman says he's got a better way to predict the outcome of the presidential election: Ask his customers.

"My wife and I were talking about the election with our kids and polling came up, how it can be skewed based on the way they phrase the question to get the results they want," said Dan Foor. "I said, 'I bet our numbers are truer than polling.' "

So at his Magic Wash car wash locations in Madison and Middleton, Foor labeled one of his touchless wash bays for Arizona Sen. John McCain, a Republican, and another for Illinois Sen. Barack Obama, a Democrat, and began an unscientific survey.

As of Tuesday, a sign at Foor's Magic Wash on Parmenter Street in Middleton showed Obama leading McCain, 324 washes to 281, or 53.6 percent to 46.4 percent. The Pflaum Road wash in Madison produced an Obama lead of 486 to 421, resulting in the exact same percentage as in Middleton.

Those figures compare to the 52.4 percent to 42.0 percent average advantage for Obama in more scientific polls conducted in Wisconsin, according to RealClearPolitics.com, a Web site that tracks polling data in states and nationally.

I don't know if there's any truth to this, but rumour has it that the McCain bays have been caught turning away all of the black cars, or should I saythose ones.