Long Weekend Audio: I Like Traffic Lights...

Thank Monty Python for the title.

Well! Aren't we the audio crankin' machines? We decided this one would have a different twist on it. We decided to take you, the loyal vomiteers, on a walk with us. We'd never done this before...and it kinda showed in the audio quality. Most of it is pretty listenable, but there are some parts where...ow ow ow ow ow! Stream+need to raise voice over traffic=clip clip clip clip! So...do not listen on headphones, I don't think so. We'll do better next time...namely, place Stream on left shoulder. By the way, Shane? How did you carry your stream on your routecasts? I need pointers. I tested it before leaving and it sounded fine. I forgot the part where I need to raise my voice to be heard over the traffic din.

We decided to demo an audible pedestrian signal, or the blind guy chirp chirp lights as lots of people know them. We thought we'd clear up some confusion, as well as show the differences between two types of chirp chirp lights. We also thought we'd drop into Tim Hortons just because it's nearby, and pick up a couple things at the store on the way home. We turned the recording off when we were in the store just because really? do you want to hear "I'll have a smoothie. Yes debit. chinga linga loo, thank you!"? That's boring.

We split this bad boy into two smaller parts. There's part 1, the trip to Timmie's, description of the lights and how blind people cross streets, talk about the new Tim Hortons bigger drink sizes, and other babble. You don't hear it, but Trix got called a cute dog by some random passer by. As we arrive at Tim Hortons, Steve asks again what constitutes a yogourtless smoothie? It has been written, but we felt like talking about it. That bit is about 23 minutes long.

In part 2, which lasts about 25 minutes, on our way home, we talked about how poor Steve got hit with a giant allergy attack, how we didn't get to ask what a yogourtless smoothie would look like, and how Steve thinks ice caps are disgusting. I happen to like them, but he thinks they're ick. This made us decide we would do our questions not as one cast, but as the mood struck us to talk...and it was time to talk about the differents between Canadian and American iced tea. And, since we were answering that question, we went in to the whole milk in a bag thing.

Because you can find everything on the internet, here's a history lesson on the milk bag, and a video explaining how to drink milk from a bag. The video isn't too blindy friendly, but it basically echos the description that we gave in the cast. I just thought it was funny that someone made a video about this.

I have also learned something. This milk in a bag thing only starts in Ontario and moves east. Westerners get mad if you accuse them of drinking milk in a bag. In describing the different sizes of milk cartons, I start singing Good Luck to the Barleymow. Now you can enjoy a much better version.

As we walk down the street yammering about milk bags, I have a question for folks who live in the UK that came up. I was talking to Torie on Twitter, and somehow crossing streets came up, and she said that over there, they have to wait for an all quiet, cross at a zebra crossing, hit a beep beep light, or wait for assistance. The idea of walking with the parallel traffic is not safe. Is this true across all of Ireland? Can other blind folks explain this? Frankly, the idea of not being able to go with the surge is about as weird to me as Americans find buying milk in a bag.

And we arrived home with our stuff, Trix drank furiously, and we signed off.

So, I hope you can enjoy this clippy cast. I apologize again for that. Hopefully we can learn and do better.

A Gold Medal In Security Theatre Foolishness

So...does this seem ridiculous as all getout to anybody else, or am I a man on a dangerously unsecured island here?

LONDON — Surface-to-air missiles could be stationed on the rooftops of an apartment block in east London as part of Britain's air defences for the Olympics, the country's military confirmed Sunday.

Around 700 people living at the building in Bow -- about 3.2 kilometres from London's Olympic Stadium -- have been contacted and warned that the weapons and about 10 troops are likely to be based at the site for around two months.

Britain has previously confirmed that up to 13,500 troops are being deployed on land, at sea and in the air to help protect the Olympics alongside police and security guards. Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has said Typhoon fighter jets, helicopters, two warships and bomb disposal experts will also be on duty as part of the security operation.

"As announced before Christmas, ground-based air defence systems could be deployed as part of a multilayered air security plan for the Olympics, including fast jets and helicopters, which will protect the skies over London during the games," the defence ministry said in a statement.

Listen. I like the Olympics as much as anybody. Yes, even though they're awarded based on legalized bribery and are a gargantuan money pit for any country that dares host them. What can I say, I like sports. But if this is where we're at in 2012, do we really need the Olympics? For Christ's sake, we're giving serious consideration to rigging manned missile stations to apartment buildings! In England! Because the hammer throw is in town! When you're at that point things have gotten way out of hand, and we all know that once you take this step, there's no going back. What's next? Unmanned drones with nuclear boms on them, just in case? The moment missiles at sporting events is a thing that doesn't get laughed out of the meeting in less than about 12 seconds, we're in some serious more trouble than it's worth territory.

Perhaps we should all do something else this summer. Something a lot safer than watching a couple weeks worth of cycling and footraces.

Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza: The Kind Of Thing Hell Is Made Out Of

I heard about this last week and have been trying to keep myself from machine gunning harf pellets out my mouth and nose ever since.

Pizza Hut is unleashing a horrid sounding concoction on the people of the United Kingdom. People who, aside from being responsible for some astoundingly head slappingly ridoncubonk health and safety regulations, have to my knowledge done nothing to deserve it. Speaking of those crazy health and safety folks, where are they now when the citizenry could truly use them to prevent the disaster that is the new Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza?


"Succulent hot dog sausage bursting from our famous stuffed crust, with a FREE Mustard Drizzle" is how Pizza Hut is choosing to spin this culinary atrocity into sounding remotely food-like. They had me at Suck, but they lost me with this ulent business.

There are no plans currently to sell this in North America, which is honestly a surprise considering the kinds of things we'll put in our bodies for a price. But if you are in the UK and want to give it a go, A: it's been lovely knowing you and B: it only seems to come in one size, 14 inches. I'm sure some of you have dreamed of having a 14-inch hot dog in your mouth, but this certainly won't be like you imagined it.

Ok, I need to go now. I can feel the machine gun starting to reload.

You Talkin' To Me? If So, Please Speak Into This Police Camera

This is pretty gross. Oxford taxi conversations to be recorded, council rules

Sadly, the way things are going, the days of being able to say of course this is a UK idea look to be coming to an end. But yes, this is indeed a UK idea.

A council spokeswoman said the "video and audio would run all the time within the vehicle".

She said police would only locate footage, stored on a CCTV hard drive for 28 days, if it was needed for a police investigation.

She added: "The risk of intrusion into private conversations has to be balanced against the interests of public safety, both of passengers and drivers."

The necessary equipment must be installed by taxi drivers licensed for the first time by 6 April 2012. A panic button must also be fitted.

Cabs already registered will have until April 2015 to get the kit fitted, the council said.

You Drink Water? You Know It's Not Good For You, Don't You?

You'd think I'd know better by now considering these are the same people who created pages upon pages upon a few more pages of regulations governing what counts as a proper looking piece of food, but I still thought this was satire for a minute.

After three years work by 21 scientists, the European Union has determined that water cannot be marketed and sold as a healthy product. Yup. Water. More specifically, it is now against the law to claim that the consumption of water fights dehydration.

In a scarcely believable ­ruling, a panel of experts threw out a claim that regular water consumption is the best way to rehydrate the body.

The bizarre diktat from Brussels has far-reaching implications for member states, including Britain, as no water sold in the EU can now claim to protect against dehydration.

Any producer breaching the order, signed by European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso, faces being jailed for up to two years. It took the 21 scientists on the panel three years of analysis into the link between water and dehydration to come to their extraordinary conclusion.

I'd love to know how many of the scientists involved in these studies also think there's no such thing as climate change, man made or otherwise. Hell, I'd just love to hear about some of their other findings, period. I'm sure we'd have more to write about than we could ever possibly use in our lifetimes.

Disease Transplant?

Good lord. Please don't let our organ supply get so bad that our doctors start implanting diseased organs into patients awaiting transplants. A woman in the UK battling cystic fibrosis, for example, got a lung transplant. What they didn't tell her was she received the lungs of a chain smoker. She didn't make it long.

I don't have any words. I know it's hard to get healthy organs from people, since the person would in most cases have to croak first, but is it a good idea to give people organs from cancer-sufferers, people at high risk of carrying HIV, and obese people whose hearts wouldn't be able to go the distance anyway? Are you truly prolonging the life of the transplant patient, or are you just trying to check them off the list so it looks better?

How depressing.

How Many Safety Experts Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Oh god, here comes the UK again. I...I have no words.

A street lamp's bulb goes out. Council comes to assess, and says climbing a ladder to change the bulb would be too unsafe because it's too close to power lines and trees. So, for 3 years, the residents have had no light at night. Now, they will have bulbs again, but only after workers move the poles some so it won't be so dangerous to change the bulb.

So, let me get this straight. Workers who are probably intelligent enough to know how to use a ladder near hydro lines and trees could not be trusted to do it, but citizens' safety is not considered at all? They can live in the dark for 3 years at night? Seniors can feel unsafe coming home from evening meetings, and that's just fine?

My brain, it can't handle this level of stupidity.

Pool's Out Forever

Mor UK crap. Just great.

A while back, we heard about a story about itcy bitcy wading pools needing life guards and insurance. Now, if you set up a paddling pool in a park, even if you supervise the kids playing in it, it's not safe enough, and it will have to go.

Some parents in the neighbourhood decided to get some inflatable pools and set them up in a garden for the kids to play in during the heat wave. They would supervise them, and drain them at night, and the one they didn't drain, they covered. But apparently, council dreamed up this idea that the pools would get in the way of emergency vehicles. This idea is especially perplexing when the very people driving those emergency vehicles said, "Whaaat?"

Sad, just sad.

oh, and can we please close our h5 tag, Romford Recorder? That's reeeeally annoying.

Crossing The Line

Now, a cross in a cemetery is considered unsafe in the UK. Apparently, all the headstones must be flat.

Not only that, but any crosses were removed that were there, apparently without informing family. That's just insensitive and disrespectful.

Tears Of A Clown, Because They Scare All Those Around

Remember that study a couple of years ago saying that British kids were afraid of clowns? Well, I guess British adults are afraid of clowns too, so much so that John Lawson Circus has introduced a service to help them get over their fear. Yes, they have a clownselor on site to help them get desensitized to the sight of clowns. Wow.

What's This Guy Trying To Do, Kill The UK Tag?

I'll believe it when I see it since this hope and change stuff tends to be a lot easier said than done, butevery bit of thisis great news for the citizens of the UK if it's true.

Britain's new deputy prime minister has pledged to curb the country's extensive system of official surveillance and data collection by scrapping an unpopular national identity card program, limiting the retention of DNA samples and regulating the spread of closed-circuit television cameras (CCTVs).

Nick Clegg said Wednesday the coalition government was rolling back government monitoring after years of complaints from rights groups that personal freedoms have been sacrificed in the name of national security.

"This government will end the culture of spying on its citizens," Clegg said during a speech in north London. "It is outrageous that decent, law-abiding people are regularly treated as if they have something to hide. It has to stop."

Have You Ever Felt The Uncontrolable Urge To Stab Someone With A Toothpick?

In "So Long, and Thanks For All The Fish," Wonko the Sane said the reason he went mad was because he read the instructions on a box of toothpicks. He felt it was enough to drive one insane that people needed instructions for such an item. I think he would go even madder if he learned they had been deemed a safety hazard at a UK restaurant. Safety hazard? Meanwhile, patrons had been eating with sharp knives and forks the whole time. But oh no, one cannot be permitted to pick meat out from between his teeth.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. After all, teaspoons can kill over there.

It's Drunken Driving Barbie!

Wow. You can get busted for drinking and driving, even if you're driving a Barbie car designed for toddlers. Apparently it doesn't even go as fast as a scooter. This brings up a weird question, and I can't remember if I've asked it before. Can you get a DUI for driving a wheelchair drunk? I would think not since you can't very well walk, but...

It sucks to be Paul Hutton. Because he's driven cars for big girls and boys while drunk in the last ten years, he got a 3-year driving ban.

How often do you get to see a guy calling himself a complete twit? And how often do police get to stop a car designed for toddlers and find a drunk man in it?

Someone May Get Shot Over This

Ok, so in the UK, kids are to be left in trees, but it is also perfectly ok to terrorize them in the name of a twisted science lesson. I don't even get what they were trying to teach.

All the kids were told one morning that there was a gun in the school. Then the fire alarm went off, and they went outside and watched as someone who looked armed chased their religious education teacher across the field. Then they heard a loud bang, and Mr. Kent, the religious education teacher, fell down. They were all led back inside as teachers appeared to tend to him.

Then ten minutes later, they were brought into an assembly, and Mr. Kent was there, alive and well, and they said it was fake, to show how evidence was collected...er something. By then, kids were stressed. Some vomited and one had a panic attack.

What the hell? How is this a lesson of any sort? Some of the kids wondered if they would be next.

Apparently earlier this month, another school told some of the kids they would be taken from their parents and put in an orphanage to make them understand what jews went through in the holocaust. Everybody who was born in February were told to wear a yellow hat. At least I can sort of draw the line between that one and the holocaust. I don't get this science lesson crap.

Those kids are going to make some therapists very rich some day.

More UK Officials Who Are Out Of Their Trees

So, in the same country where kids can run away without being chased down, if a kid goes up a tree, they are left there until they climb down. Staff don't talk to them for fear that if they distract the kid, he will fall. When Kim Barrett, a passer-by, decides that a little boy spending 45 minutes in a tree is too long, and he looks very alone, she helps him down. But to reward her for this, she is charged with trespassing! Ridiculous!

The school keeps saying that he was being observed at all times and was in no danger. I don't buy that for a second. I highly doubt they have people around with nothing to do but watch the tree where the kid is. I would assume that their teachers have to teach, their principal has to do administrative things, and their janitors have to clean. Constant observation, at best, would have been a few glances every so often. A lot can happen very quickly.

And come on, just pluck the kid out of the tree, for christ's sake. And when someone does your job for you, the response should not be to punish her.

If this decline doesn't stop soon, there will be no humanity, or human thinking, left. We'll all either be very safe or very dead because everyone else was staying very safe and didn't help.

Good 8:48 AM But Only In My Time Zone, Everybody!

Here's a bit of anarticleabout the Warwickshire police department's Policing Our Communities handbook, which contains a section on communicating with people from different cultural backgrounds. I'm going to present it as written, because everything I could possibly have to say about it has been said elsewhere in the UK tag.

It states: 'Don't assume those words for the time of day, such as afternoon or evening, have the same meaning.'

A force spokesman explained: 'Terms such as afternoon and evening are somewhat subjective in meaning and can vary according to a person's culture or nationality. In many cultures the term evening is linked to time of day when people have their main meal of the day.

'In some countries, including the UK, the evening meal time is traditionally thought of as being around 5-7pm but this might be different, say, for a family from America who might have their main meal earlier and thus for them evening may be an earlier time.'

In a section entitled Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Communities the handbook confusingly states that the phrase 'lesbians and gay men' is likely to be satisfactory for most situations when talking about sexual orientation, but says ' homosexual' is 'best avoided' as the word is 'interpreted differently by many and relates to sexual practice as opposed to sexual orientation'.

Following a Freedom of Information request to police forces and fire services it also emerged that a number, including Essex Police and Northern Ireland Fire and Rescue Service, instruct staff to avoid the words 'child, youth or youngster'.

They could have 'connotations of inexperience, impetuosity and unreliability, or even dishonesty'.

The guide used by them also states that addressing someone as 'boy' or 'girl' may 'cause offence'. It suggests 'young people' instead.

The same guide also warns against the phrases 'manning the phones', 'layman's terms' and 'the tax man', for 'making women invisible'.

So young people is ok, but youngster isn't?

And it continues this way, including this fabulously no shit piece of advice.

"Do take care to be patient and reassuring when accent or language hinders communication. (Remember, a translator could be useful)."

Boy, I sure am glad we have highly paid consultants to figure these things out for us. Wait, should I have said highly paid? It might make poor people feel inadequate

She Got The Shaft Alright

Here comes more UK ridiculousness. A group of Scottish firefighters were sent to the aid of Alison Hume, a woman who fell down a mine shaft. They had all the equipment they needed to pull her out, but a safety memmo said they could only use it to save their own men. So, she waited for six hours for a mountain rescue team and consequently died.

What kind of safety memmo is that? If they're all trained to use the stuff, why can't they use it on anyone? What a senseless loss.

Heart: The Organ Used To Pump Blood.

Welcome to the UK, where everything fun is being sucked out of kids' childhoods in the name of safety and political correctness. This time, it's Valentine's Day.

I shouldn't say it's happening all over the UK...yet, but Ashcombe Primary School in Weston-Super-Mare, Somerset, has banned Valentine's Day Cards, and Peter Turner, the head teacher, says any cards found in the school will be confiscated. It sounds like they're weapons or something! Why exactly is such severe action being taken? According to Turner, children under 11 are still socially and emotionally developing and don't know about the commitment involved in being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend.

Whaaaat? First of all, when cards were going around when I was that young, nobody really cared about girlfriends or boyfriends. If they talked about it, it wasn't in a serious way. It was just fun to get little cards from your friends with hearts on them, and then we'd all eat cupcakes. Mmm.

Second, does this man actually think that 11-year-olds are socially and emotionally-developed completely and take being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend seriously? If he does, he needs to get his head out of his ass and watch a playground for a while. If a couple of kids that age are boyfriend and girlfriend, they are together for a week. Then they fight, break up, then they either get back together, or find a new boyfriend or girlfriend.

I love how Ruth Rice, a woman who agrees with him and sounds like she'd be about as fun to hang out with as a slab of brick, says that kids should not be talking about Valentine's day and should be focusing on their school work. Yeesh! And she has twin daughters. I pity them. They probably don't know what sleepovers or ice cream are. But they know how to sweep the floors and take out the trash real well.

Have these people not noticed that every age group celebrates a holiday in a different way? Think of Christmas. All little kids can think about are the presents and Santa. Adults think more about seeing family. A kid's idea of Valentine's day is not the same as that of a married couple.

It's Valentine's Day god damn it! Do you hear that, Peter Turner? I have a feeling the real reason for the ban is this guy didn't get his Valentine's Day card when he was 6. So if he can't have any, neither can the kids.

Mr. Safety's Pint Glass

My first reaction to this story was "Oh no, here goes the UK again." Then I softened a bit, and then one line stood out for me.

So the story is that the UK has developed a safer beer glass. Safer? Well, more shatter-proof. Ok, I can deal with that. People like to smash beer glasses and people get hurt. Ok. But then they said something that sounded scary.

And even if the new models are smashed, the dangerous shards of glass are held together by a layer of resin, said the company when at a launch event Thursday.

So now, instead of having small pieces, we have a giant mass of them, held together? Hmmm...sounds like an improvised blade or something.

Then there was this line.

British interior minister Alan Johnson praised the new models and said the properties of the current pint glass are to blame for much of the country's alcohol-related violence.

The glass is to blame? What about the drunken fool hurling the glass? He's not to blame at all?

Now that they've fixed the beer glass, what will be the next implement the drunks pick up and heavve?

British Airways: Dead Bodies Are Nicer Seat-Mates Than Live Men

So let me get this straight. According to British Airways, it's ok to seat a corpse beside someone, but god forbid we put a child next to a male stranger!

Mirko Fischer and his wife, who was six months pregnant, were flying. His wife sat in the window seat because she thought she'd have more room. He sat in the middle, and a 12-year-old boy sat next to them. A flight attendant said that children could not sit next to male strangers, female strangers would have been fine, and said the plane wouldn't take off unless Fischer moved. Fischer said he wanted to sit beside his wife because she's pregnant, but the flight attendant just raised his voice until he moved.

What bullshit. As Fischer says, kids are more likely to be abused by their own families. So...should they be barred from sitting with their parents?

He's suing because they have effectively branded all men as sex-offenders, and so he should. Gees. British Airways just keep getting sued.

And are they really called "British Airwars"? Or is that one hell of a typo?