I'll Have To Try this If I Ever Completely Lose My Mind

The
CNN Drinking Game
sounded like a fun idea until I realized how many king cans I'd probably have to skull in the process.

If any of you ever try this, let me know how it goes when you come out of the coma.

Leave It to My Brother

My brother is a big linux geek among other things. I went to his blog, and found something that made me laugh so hard that I had to post a link to it here. Leave it to him to find something like this.

Apparently, in Microsoft's knowledge base where you can read about why windows crashes, you can also find A Guide to leet speak or that horrible disfigurement of the English language popping up on forums, message boards, MSN conversations and emails everywhere. I just love the way the author is trying to be tactful about the "new creations" in this "language".

Whose Bright Idea Was That?

I was listening to the radio yesterday, and the song Weightless by See Spot Run came on. I thought to myself, "Cool song." Then it went a little further, and I realized it wasn't the real song, it was this horrible version they put out. Honestly it's not much different than the other one. All they did was add this annoying syntho-crap that cycles through the whole song. It doesn't really add anything to the song, except the irritation factor!

Whenever I see a perfectly good song disfigured by that crap or something similar, I think, "What possessed someone to think that was a good idea?" We have a perfectly good song, why louse it up with crap that just doesn't sound like it belongs? Honestly, musical taste is going straight down the drain. And there's no talent required to add a few beeps and boops to a song. Once someone's dumb enough to come up with the idea, I don't think it takes too much effort to add the effect. I would hope that if you decide to change the song, at least make the change somewhat interesting or original!

And here's another thing that drives me nuts about music. Everybody's covering old stuff. I mean everybody. Country, rock, every fucking body! And then the DJ actually says, "Here's a new one. It's insert song here by insert band here." The song is not new! Some band has regurgitated someone else's stuff. It's not so bad when a band takes a song and adds their own twist to it. But usually those ones have the decency to say what song they're covering. AS for the rest of the covers out there, people who've never heard the original will think that band is so incredibly brilliant. It really pissed me off when I heard 3 covers in a row and the DJ acted like the songs were brand new. Come on bands, do you really need to mooch off some old song? Don't you have an original thought left? I know there are some, but it seems like they're a dying breed.

Maybe I shouldn't criticize because I couldn't write a song to save my life. But at least I know that, and the idea doesn't strike me to go leach off someone else's talent. I wish others would do the same.

Ok, Knock it Off!

So I'm sleeping, and I left the TV on. I wake up, and this is the first thing I hear.

"More news on the Pope. We take you now to a press conference at the hospital."

A translator is feverishly spitting out the English equivalent to what some Italian guy is saying. What he's apparently saying is that the Pope is breathing on his own and had a good night's sleep, and the tracheotomy was an elective surgery, why anyone would elect to do that I don't understand, but anyway that's not the point. He said that he was breathing easier and for more information, see the statement going to be released at noon. Then people started asking questions. "What is the condition of the Pope's lungs?" "Will he be at the blessing on Sunday?" And this one fucking drove me over the edge. "What did the Pope eat for breakfast this morning?"

I'm serious, this is what the translator translated. "He had a latte, that's a coffee with milk, um, uh, a yogurt, and 10 biscuits, they were small biscuits. And he ate it all."

Woe papa. I care so far as he's sick. But he does not need a god damn fucking press conference, hourly updates and people asking what the hell he had for breakfast. That's insane. He's 84. Do you think maybe it's his time? If he gets better, cool. If not, he's eighty-fucking-four. Maybe God has a better place for him. Move on! I've seen enough Pope shit to last me a lifetime. It is not the end of the world if the Pope crokes, or judging by what he sounds like, stops croking. Commence flaming.

Way Cool!

I never thought I'd make a blog post about food, but here we go. Last night I thought I'd try the Eastside Mario's delivery thing. I felt like Mario's, but couldn't make it to the restaurant, so I thought what the hell I'll give them a try. I was expecting your run of the mill delivery package, probably less than what you'd get if you went in the restaurant! But no! It was absolutely awesome. Steve and I tried it, and each of us got a cute little loaf of their bread with our dinners. They even sent parmesan cheese for the pasta and the salad! The croutons were even fresh!

So, if you ever feel like Eastside Mario's but can't get to the restaurant for some reason, try their delivery! it's awesome! But if you're blind, know what you want when you call because I can't for the life of me read their menus on the website. Ok I'll stop sounding like a gluttonous pig and leave you alone.

Note To Self...

Never argue with a girlfriend and then let her tie you up as part of a sexual act.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — A woman upset about an impending breakup with her boyfriend cut off his penis and flushed it down a toilet, police said. Utility workers recovered the severed organ, and surgeons reattached it.

Kim Tran, 35, was arraigned on charges of assault, domestic violence and tampering with evidence. She remained jailed in Anchorage, with no bail set.

Police spokeswoman Anita Shell said the injury to the 44-year-old man was “brutal, brutal.”

The couple was arguing Saturday because the man, whose name was not released, wanted to end the year-old relationship, Shell said. The pair decided to have sex, and the man agreed to have his arms tied to a window handle above their bed. The woman pulled out a kitchen knife and severed his penis, police said.

After flushing the organ down the toilet, she drove the man to the hospital and helped him to a nurses’ station, Shell said. Police, summoned by a hospital worker, found Tran at the couple’s home cleaning up the blood, Shell said.

Water utility workers retrieved the penis, and police said surgery to reattach it was successful.

Well hey, at least she was nice enough to drive him to the hospital.

Random Bitchfest

I don't know. I just have a bunch of thoughts, and none of them feel long enough to make posts of their own, so I figured I'd throw them all together to make a bitch stew. So eat up.

Ok, some of these were provoked by Steve's post about the bank machine Braille and the Braille in a glass case. It made me think about that pseudo Braille on the bills. Yes, you heard me right, pseudo Braille. That Braille on the bills doesn't actually say anything. No, you cannot think you've learned what 5, 10 and 20 are in Braille by looking at those bills. Those are just blobs of dots. They put one blob on for 5, 2 on for 10, and 3 on for 20. At this rate they will run out of places to put blobs. I actually asked someone from the CNIB why in the blue bloody hell they did that, and they said it was supposed to make the bills readable to anyone with a vision problem even if they didn't know Braille. Ok sparky, here's something to ponder. If a person isn't reading Braille, that means their fingers probably aren't sensitive enough to pick up the stupid blobs of dots. Hell I read Braille and I find them hard to find. And with use, they fade! away! and unevenly, so suddenly a bill that had 3 blobs can one day look like it has 2. Great system there folks.

I do appreciate the sentiment. I just wished they'd consulted with a few more people. Oh yeah, and this pisses me off. People think they've consulted with "The blind" if they've consulted with one blind person. Would you even think that's remotely close to fair if someone consulted with one man in Toronto and then said they got the Canadian male perspective? I don't think so. You'd say, "Talk to a few more and then maybe say you have the Canadian male perspective. One's not good enough." So how is one blind person good enough? I know we're a bit more rare, but come on, you can find a few. Hell, after you've talked to one, you can ask that person who else you should talk to. Chances are we know a few more.

And why aren't they more willing to have a few more talking bank machines? They exist, why not put them in a few more bank branches? Royal has them, and so does CIBC. It's possible, let's get some more of them out there. I love having a conversation about this with a teller. It usually goes something like this:

Me: Why don't we have a talking bank machine yet?
Teller: It's a privacy concern.
Me: Why?
Teller: because it would speak your info.
Me: Have you not seen these things? They require a set of headphones, which I would bring in myself.
Teller: Oh...ok.
Me: And which is less private? Me typing in stuff myself and the random chance of someone overhearing the sound from the headset or me having to ask people for help using a bank machine that doesn't talk and them seeing my PIN number?
Teller: Uh...that's a good point...um...You should talk to someone about this.
Me: Yep, that's right. How about you?
Teller: um...

And that's usually where it sadly ends. I just don't get why these things are so slow to implement, and when you talk about it, how easily tellers like to try and fill you with bullshit. You can tell they have no idea what they're talking about when you can pretty much shoot down every one of their claims in one shot.

I don't even know how to segway to this, but I was thinking more about words, and realized I missed one. People say "no offense" for no reason. There's one person I know who, half the time when they say "no offense", the next thing they say wouldn't even come close to offending me. They'll say something like, "No offense, but this episode of the Simpsons sucks." And that would offend me because...? Come on, think about what you're saying.

And last night I heard another piece of George W. Bush stupidity. He actually said as a response in a press conference about Iraq's new government, "It is a democracy based on values." And that's where his sentence ended. Based on values? That sentence might as well have not even been uttered because it's meaningless. Everything is based on values. The question is which values are those? Liberal values? Conservative values? Values believed by the utterly insane? Whose values? But of course, no one will notice. They'll cheer merrily and say that Bush is right and smile and watch the next news story like a pack of zombified robots.

And here's another thought on not thinking. Have you ever noticed that the ones who call themselves religious always say, "Since I've found god, I have no worries. I hand everything over to god and faith." Ok, translation. "Since I think I've found a divinity, I no longer have to think for myself." Isn't that a scary thought? On an individual level, that's digestible. But imagine if a whole group of people found a higher power? Stopped thinking? Do we really want that? Thanks, I'll keep my worries, because I like my brain.

On a completely different thought, I was shipped something yesterday, which was way cool, but as packing, they used those bastard Styrofoam beads to cushion the box. Those things are possessed. For one, they defy gravity. You go to lift the contents of the box out, and they seem to float out with your hands, then cling to them. My god, they would not come off my hands! I'm still picking little Styrofoam bits off my floor. they are every bloody where in my house! The only thing worse for getting all over the house are wood shavings if you've ever had a pet hamster or other rodent.

And...holy crap I'm out of ideas. Scary thought eh? Or maybe you were all just hoping I'd shut up soon. Next time I'm sure I'll have something more coherent to say.

That better?

So I decided to break the site again. A while ago, our good friend -666 said the google ads frame was kind of obscured by the blogger stuff at the top of the page. I decided to be brave and move it to a place that makes sense to me, but I'm blind so what do I know? Eyeball opinions please. Hope its new home is a good one. I want the ads to be seen, but I don't want people to find them obnoxious.

Band Plug

A friend of mine is in a band called Cosmic Repercussions. They have a CD coming out at some point, but in the meantime they've posted a couple of free downloads over on SoundClick. If you want to give them a listen,
click here

Bank Machines In Braille

Not sure if this is true or not, but somebody emailed it to me and it's funny.

Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

[This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.]

I've never seen instructions on those things, but I have seen Braille on them. It's essentially useless though, drive through or not, because the Braille tells you nothing more than that you are in fact standing near a bank machine. And even then you pretty much have to molest the thing to find it, and by that time you're probably well aware of where you are. Seriously, I'd hate to meet the person who walks up to one of these things and tries to call somebody on the big speaker pay phone.

And while we're on the subject of Braille bank machines, unless the machine is going to talk to me, don't even bother with the Braille. You might think that putting A B C D E F on the buttons down the sides is helpful, but it's not. All of the stuff I need to know to make those letters mean something is on the screen, which isn't in Braille, ever. You're wasting your time, and you're wasting mine too by making me stand there while you try to convince me that this is the coolest thing ever. It isn't.

I'm not trying to say that I don't appreciate the sentiment, because I do. All I'm saying is consult a blind person, and I don't mean one of those crazy advocate types who work for the big organizations or the winey bitch unreasonable everything should be handed to me because my eyes don't work types either. I'm talking about people like me, or people like Carin. We'll help you, and we won't even make you feel sorry for us in the process or ask you for consulting fees. But hell, if you want to give us consulting fees, I'm sure we could work something out.

I feel old!

Lately I'm being slapped in the face with how old I'm getting. I know it's not seriously that old, but it's scary. It's the beginning. Other people who aren't that much younger than me don't remember certain things that I remember clearly. Like, remember those old books that came with the tapes and when you listened to the tapes, you knew when it was time to flip the page in the book when you heard the chimes ring? You don't either? Well...I met someone who had no idea what I was talking about! I also remember a time when the dial tone on the phone sounded different than it does now. Hell I remember the day it changed sound. It scared the crap out of me cause I thought I broke the phone. Hell I had a dial phone for years! Nobody else remembers the dial tone sounding different either! I remember clearly commercials for the Commodore 64. Enough said. I remember listening to records! When I mention things like that to other people, and they go, "No, I don't remember that," I can only pray it's because they have a bad memory.

But if only it were those things. Other things scare me too. Hardly anyone in my classes were born in the same decade as me! If they are, it's the refreshing moment when they're much older and dooing the mature student thing. I've passed the quarter century mark! aaa! I hear songs on an oldies station that I don't think are that old! The signs are beginning to accumulate. Somebody save me. Make me feel younger than somebody, or at least not quite so much like I'm getting old!

I'll Let Somebody Else Make The Cork And Screw Jokes

It seems that Queer Beer isn't alone in the gay alcohol market. In Australia, they now have something called
Pansy Wine.

Before now I've never really considered homo booze as a marketing concept, but the more I think about it, the more the advertising executive side of me keeps cranking out the good ideas.

For instance, what gay person wouldn't want to run out and buy a big bottle of Rambuca? Or perhaps some Rodka? Maybe some Crack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey? And for that special lesbian in your life, how about a nice shot of Snatch Schnapps? I might have to change the name of that one since it's kind of hard to say, especially when you're smashed. But the possibilities are seemingly endless here.

Queer Beer

Some Swiss businessmen have launched a company called Lemonhead to market a new product known as
Queer Beer
which they hope will help them corner the homosexual market.

Ok, is it really a good idea to make a gay beer when your company has the word head in it's name? And how are they going to sell it? I know that a lot of beer comes in bottles, but I'm sure that if you asked, a good portion of the gay community would tell you that they'd rather have it in the can.

A Hug? Or a Strangle Hold?

I just got another one of these stupid emails. They're all the same. "This is a hug certificate. Here's a nice sappy poem that I didn't write and isn't really that great. Send this to your friends and send it back to me. If I don't get it back, I know how you feel." Why are these things still circulating? Please please please tell me?

When will people realize that these sickly sweet meaningless poems that come a dime a dozen aren't nice and cute? They're fucking annoying. And why would you want the same poem sent back to you? You've already received the piece of trash, read it, and sent it on, which makes me question your intelligence. Why on earth would you want it back in your inbox like the cat that just keeps coming back? And why does receiving this back tell you more about friends X, Y, and Z than what they say in emails that they, ya know, actually take the time to write themselves? And here's a hint to all you forwarding freaks. Don't you think telling people to send this back or you know how they feel about you is taking all the sincerity out of it? Wouldn't you rather they do it of their own free will? As soon as I see that line, I know what happens to that waste of so many bits of data. Pow! Straight to the trash! Please! Everybody! Stop sending these hug messages! Years ago, they were perhaps cute, and I'm saying perhaps. But now, they are nothing but stale wastes of space. If you want to send me a message to let me know you're there, a simple "How's it going?" message will do nicely. And here's a really cool idea. If you send me one of those, chances are I'll respond without you having to twist my arm!

The Only Thing Better Than Meeting Your Girl In The Park Is Parking Your Meat In Your Girl

Check out this big collection of
weird sex laws.

Some highlights include:
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

There's a lot more at the link above, so have fun, but do it in a legal way.

That'll Leave A Mark

This comes from
the Reuters news service.

LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances.

She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying "that's yours."

Monti, of Birkenhead, near Liverpool, pleaded guilty to unlawful wounding at an earlier hearing.

Maybe it's just me, but a few things strike me as kind of odd about this story.

First of all, is it really that easy to pull off a testicle? No, none of you have to try. But seriously, I didn't know those things could just pop off. And even if they do, she'd still have to get it out of the bag so that she could put it in her mouth. So I'm thinking that she either gave a really big yank, or that this story is a really big fake. If anybody out there reading this knows otherwise, feel free to let me know, I'm interested.

Secondly, what was the guy's friend doing there, and was it really necessary for him to tell this poor bastard that the testicle was his? I'm pretty sure he's well aware of that fact. Come on, who else's could it possibly be, unless this woman has a history of stashing man marbles in her mouth and when the friend got it back, he got a few others at the same time? But even then there would have to be some sort of a match the testicle analysis going on unless for some reason the friend had a very specific knowledge of what his buddy's nuts looked like from the inside, and that would just be weird.

My hoax radar is going off big time here, this whole thing just doesn't seem right to me. but it is true that truth is stranger than fiction so I suppose anything is possible. The truth is out there, and for some reason, I kind of want to find it.

More English Pet Peeves

What the hell is with me having the urge to be so nitpicky right now? I don't know. But here I go again.

What is it with people forgetting the meaning of words and just using them any old way? Some people just seem to take words and throw them in a sentence as if they were a decoration that had no meaning. Like the way people say literally. I've heard people say, " He was literally spitting fire." Unles he's one of those trick fire-eater guys, no he wasn't. Literally means he was actually doing it. But people use the word just to accentuate what they're saying. Or people who say, I rest my case when they haven't proven anything. I just look at them and go, ok whatever.

And then there are words that just seem to have lost their meaning. Some people say, "Oh I could care less." You know they mean, I don't care. But if you could care less, doesn't that imply that you do care somewhat because you could care less? Or, to take a shit. Don't you want to leave a shit? If you're taking one, I don't want to know what you're doing with it. And then there's the expression "all but". I don't understand when people say, "the food was all but gone." Wouldn't that mean it was all still there? But they mean that it was pretty much gone. What the hell? Soon everything we know in the English language will be turned around ass backwards. One day I won't know what hit me when I'll say to someone, "have a nice day" and they'll take it to mean, "go fuck yourself."

Pet Peeves

There are certain little things in people's writing that just annoy me. I don't know why, I shouldn't give a rat's ass, but they just get under my skin, I guess the way people get bugged by other people's eating habits, or the way people leave the toothpaste, etc. I just see them a lot and every time I do, I just go, god do you look at what you're writing?

I'll grant you I'm not the most perfect writer and speller in the world and an english teacher would probably pop out old red at least on my grammar. But some people just have forgotten how to use words. There are people who do not know when to use who and when to use whom, so to sound sophisticated, they use whom all the damn time. You're not sophisticated, you're an idiot. There is a time for who and a time for whom. If you don't know, you're probably safer to use who.

And then there are the ones who say then instead of than. They'll say, "I like x more then y." Maybe it's just really evident because the thing that makes my computer talk makes it abundantly clear that dude fucked up. But it bugs the hell out of me. I understand that error doesn't get caught by spell check. But there are some people who do it consistently! It's like do you not know the meaning of the word then versus than? It especially bugs me when I see it in papers that I'm proofreading.

And while I'm on the subject of especially, notice how I spelled that. ESPECIALLY! no, boys and girls, it does not have an x in it! I have heard people say it as if it did, and have seen it written, and I just go, arg! I go arg whenever I see people making up new spellings of words. Expecially for especially, fermiliar or farmiliar for familiar, and this one bugs the ever loving hell out of me. Curiousity! I had someone on my MSN Messenger list who had that in their name for months. Ug. Curiosity has no second u! And they'll insist that they're spelling it right.

That's the part that I guess bugs me the most. The same people keep doing it! Learn! People shouldn't have made it through school and still be making these stupid mistakes...or at least if ya make them, you should catch them! Now feel free to pick the living hell out of that post...after what I've just said, I deserve it.

It's Official, Music Is Dead

I wish I had a nickel [pun intended] for every time I heard somebody say something along the lines of "every Nickelback song sounds the same." I'm pretty sure I'd never have to do anything ever again but that's not really the point. The point is that I can help anybody who has ever said that prove it to anybody who ever tries to tell you that you're wrong.

Turn up your sound and downloadthis.
It's amazing. Not only that somebody thought to do this, but that an entire group of people could make this possible a few years and 2 albums apart without intending to.

Nothing to Wear

There's been something that always bugs me. Why is it that lots of girls never want to wear a dressy outfit to more than one event? They'll go out on a shopping quest, searching for the ultimate outfit. Once it has been located, like the holy grail, they'll rave about it, wear it once and go, "oh didn't I look good in that?" But when an occasion comes up where it would look good, they cry out, "Oh I can't wear this. Person X will be there. They'll have seen it before." Ok, first of all, do you really think you're so special that person X will remember what you wore a year ago at Bob and Betty's wedding? "But there will be pictures!" Those are of your faces, predominantly I assume. Who in hell is photographing people's outfits?

And my next thought is, who the hell cares? So you wore it before. People know that there aren't clothing fairies running around handing out an infinite number of outfits. God expensive dresses and shit like that don't come cheap. So what if you only have one or two? Do you have to project an image always of something you're not? Just wear the damn dress and shut up. At least you do have a dress.

Plus, why would you waste all that money and time on something you're only going to wear once? I figure all that money and time is an investment. You're buying it so you can get a lot of wear out of it. It seems a complete shame to wear it once and then just let it collect dust in the closet. If you're going to do that, you're wasting your money. Go buy something you'll actually use.

Well I think I've ranted enough about that already. Maybe I'll go watch some TV. Oh wait. I've already done that today. Whatever shall I do?

Name That Team

So I'm taking a Goalball team to the Windsor Classic Indoor Games in March and I'm not going with my usual provincial teams. It is, in fact, an under 23 tournament so there are only two players on my usual team eligible to play and we are on different teams for competition's sake.

There will be a few more of these under 23 style tournaments in the next few years that I will be eligible to play in before my 23rd birthday and in all likelyhood I'll be taking teams to those as well so I need to come up with a name I can use for the next few years while I'm still playing on this team.

So, I open it up to the comment boards to try and get some ideas for creativ and innovative names. I, of course, understand that in opening it up to the internet I will get crushed with stupid stuff like "the Buttheads" or "The pilons" but if I can get one or two really well thought out names it will have been worth sorting through the garbage.

So, Vomiteers, what do you got for me? It can be the name of a junior team somewhere that is kinda catchy, or a cool name from a league not many of us know of. or something that you came up with just off the top of your head - maybe even a name from the past like an early 1900's NHL team like the Ottawa Silver Seven. Of course that doesn't work here, but it illustrates my point. Keep in mind it will be the Ontario Somethings or the Somethings of Ontario.

Let's see how creative you can be, cuz frankly, I got nothing.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

AMMAN - An online romance between a Jordanian man and woman came to a screeching halt when the pair discovered they were husband and wife. Separated for several months, the couple both began seeking an Internet chat room to find new loves. They had no idea that they would find each other. Bakr Melham, who went by the name Adnan, fell in love with a woman who called herself Jamila. He was in for a big surprise however when he realized that Jamila was actually his wife Sanaa. The pair talked for three months in cyberspace before making wedding plans. They decided to finally meet in person near a bus depot, but discovering their true identities was too much for the pair. Bakr shouted at Sanaa, "You are divorced, divorced, divorced" - the traditional manner of officially ending a marriage in Islam. Sanaa called him a liar and then fainted.

Who Said a Computer Couldn't Sing Anyway?

Yep, time for some weird humour, and to prove that I am such a geek. I found this page full of mp3's made by making speech synthesizers sing. Speech synthesizers are the things that make computers talk for us blind people. But someone who had way too much time on his hands figured out years ago that if you feed a certain synthesizer code in a certain way, you can make it sing. And then, someone else with even more time on his hands took it to the next level. Seriously, check these out. Some of them are so well done it's scary.

Is this a Joke?

I saw the movie about Arnold running for governor in California, ya know, "See Arnold Run." Well, I sorta had it on while I was doing other things. And I have to hope against hope that the producers were actually trying to make fun of him. The whole thing was just a little ridiculous.

First of all, the title, "See Arnold Run" sounds like one of those old Dick and Jane readers. See Dick run. See Jane follow. Whatever. And that alone makes me think they want us to think of Arnold as some kind of Tarzan-like beast. Then, they have some other guy playing Arnold. Ok, I understand they have to do that because you can't have Arnold playing himself. But he's so famous that you have to do a damn good job of finding an actor for him, and I'm sorry, this guy sucked. Maybe he looked like him. Maybe he was all muscle-bound and had the right height and stuff. But his accent was so fake that it was obvious beyond obvious that he wasn't even close to Arnold. At least get someone who can do a good accent fake. Seriously, it would turn on and off at will. Come on guy, keep it on for the whole movie. At least try to convince me that you are who you're pretending to be.

And then there were all the I'll be baacks and Caalee-forneeas. I think you know what I'm getting at. It was more like a caricature of Arnold than a serious movie about his run.

And then the final straw. They had this interview scene where supposedly Barbara Walters was interviewing him. Maybe the chick who was playing Barbara Walters looked like her, but the only thing that sounded like her was an overaccentuated speech impediment. Ya know, Bobwa Wawtas.

Keep in mind that I noticed all of this while sorta just having it on in the background. I can't imagine what crap I'd see if I actually had it on and was giving it my full attention.

I don't give a crap about whether it hurt Arnold's feelings or not. I'm not some kind of Arnold fan. I just look at the movie and don't find it convincing. All I can say is, if it was intended to be funny, which it didn't look like it was, ya fooled me into laughing. If it wasn't, go back to school before you right your next movie.

Arthritis Pain? What Arthritis Pain?

I was watching some TV the other day, and one of those commercials came on for a prescription drug that comes on if you're watching an American channel. Ya know the ones. Some music and a voice saying, "insert medical condition getting you down? Are you not able to do the things you could do before? Then you should try insert drug name here." Then after some supposed sufferers rave about how much the drug helped them, they heave a series of side-effects at you so fast and quietly, as if they hope to sneak them past you. Well I heard one of those commercials the other day. It was for an injection to help with arthritis pain. But the side-effects were so bad that I thought to myself, who in their right mind would even try this drug. I mean, usually they're something like headache, fatigue, dry mouth, etc. But these were killers, literally! They talked about it causing infection at the injection sites, heart failure, suppression of ability to fight infections, and even lymphoma! And then some cheery woman encourages people to try the medication. Not on your life, chief. If I had arthritis, suddenly the pain wouldn't seem too bad next to those side-effects.

That's Not A Sport

So I didn't have a very good weekend. I had some plans fall through on Friday night, weather was shit on Saturday and to top it all off, the Eagles couldn't get it done in the big game last night.

Anyway there's something that's been bothering me of late, and it's small and petty, but bothersome nonetheless. I'm getting really tired of turning on TSN, ESPN or Sportsnet and seeing Poker.

Now I understand that it's become a huge television trend and everyone's getting in to watching it and you have to support what the public wants to see. but how can you justify having it on a sports network? Last I checked it wasn't a sport. If you really feel the need to put it on tv, and clearly someone does, then you need to find a different network to put it on. It's not a sport.

There's other things on these networks that have been on for longer that I didn't agree with. Things like Darts and billiards have been littering the sports tv landscape for a long time but you can at least make a better arguement for them. For both of those games you need a physical skill. In my opinion, sport is a combination of physical skill, physical exertion, and mental focus. Billiards and Darts require a physical skill and a mental focus but I don't see them over-exerting themselves physically and taking huge risk of injury. (Although you could argue that anyone playing a game where sharp metal objects are being thrown is at risk of an injury, but I think you all know what I mean)

Last time I saw poker being played, there was no physical skills required and no exhausting physical exertion. Does it take a great mental skill and knowledge of the game? Sure it does. But that doesn't make it a sport and if your network is going to be called The Sports Network or SportsNet than you need to get that shit off your line-up.

Just because there's no hockey, football, basketball or baseball on does not mean you need to resort to card games for your programming. How about some amature sports getting some much much needed exposure? What about more downhill skiing? What about more X-Games stuff. It's growing just as quickly as poker. How about more golf? I hate golf but at least it's another fast growing sport.

Just keep to what your'e supposed to be doing as a sportsnetwork.... or at least show some Go Fish.

Do Us All a Favour and Get Your Head Out of Your ass

Ok rage time. Woo! I was walking down the street on the weekend, minding my own business. AT one point I asked someone for a bit of direction. He was very nice and was giving me that direction. Then, this other man, no, I refuse to give him that much credit, this other asshole, strolls past and looks at the one helping me and says to him, nice and loud, "No matter how bad you've got it, there's always someone worse off than you, eh?"

At first I thought I was losing my mind or misheard him, but the guy helping me seemed to bristle under his skin as well. Ok, asshole, and all assholes like you, here's a message for you, so listen up. first of all, who says I'm worse off than you? So my eyes don't work. I'm happy, I have food in my house, a roof over my head, a life, good friends, and plans for the future. Don't cry for me, I don't need your god damn pity. I need you to treat me like anyone else you meet on the street. And next I need you to take that blindfold of ignorance off your face and have it run over by the nearest transport truck, because right now, you look a hell of a lot worse off than me. At least I can see people for what they really are and don't have to barricade myself in with the shallow ones like you. It's people like you who make it possible for us to be worse off than you because you don't give us a chance to show what we can do. But I refuse to pity you. I hope you figure out your a dick and start working to fix it real soon. It would make the world a better place.

Guest Posts are Here Again

Well, I got an email from our new-found commenter Jen saying she had something to say here. Since I always like it when there's a new opinion to add to the mix, I figured I'd put it up here. So, without further adieu, here's what she had to say.

Arg I Hate Autimated Computers
Well as I sit here reading Carin's trouble with bell story something occurred to me.
Why is it that most companies have autimated computers that handle their calls. Emily is one from bell and she's mighty frustrating.
When I call Bell I would like to talk to a real person not just some computer who mixes up everything you ask her about and mistakes the words "I want my account balance" to you want a new product alright.
She's not the only one that buggs me. Then there are the kind of computers that want you to make a selection to handle your call by pressing 1 2 3 or 4. You can't just talk to someone anymore.
What has happened to our society? I don't know but it's mighty frustrating.
In closing when I want to ask a question of a Bell representative or OSAP I just want to talk to someone not listen to 15 computer generated prompts before someone actually comes on the phone.

Baby Got Book

This
religious parody of that old Sir Mix-A-Lot song Baby Got Back
is awful, but in a funny and creative sort of way.

You'll need Windows Media Player to watch this.

This Is Frightening

Adware-infected PCs net slimeware firms $3 a pop

Can You Hear Me Now?

A german scam artist [I refuse to use the word inventor] has released
a mobile phone for the dead.
No, I'm serious, stop laughing. Ok don't, but I'm still serious.

The phone, which goes by the name Telefon-Engel [which translated into English means Phone Angel], comes in a black box with a loudspeaker that is placed on top of the grave. It runs on a battery that lasts for at least twelve months, and the inventor claims that the sound quality is excellent. I'm not sure who exactly this is going to benefit, unless there have been some recent innovations in the field of decomposition audio that I'm not aware of.

If all of this isn't enough, wait until you hear how much it's going to cost you, ok, hopefully not you to get your hands on one of your very own.

It will set you back €1495, which is a cool $2407.47 Canadian but thankfully, well sort of, you can return the unit within 18 months if for some reason you aren't happy with it and get a €50 [$80.52 Canadian] refund. Isn't that nice?

How Good Is A Mac?

I figured some of you computer minded people might enjoy
this Flash movie.

Maybe not if you're Mac fans, but whatever.

A Joke that Tells Itself

Just read this and think about it for a second.

Aphasia Program - provides a follow-up to speech therapy for people who have Aphasia (communication difficulty) due to a stroke. Participants work at strengthening
communication skills through this goals-based program. To access the Aphasia Program call us.

Somebody should really email these people. It might have to be me.

What Is Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!