Party Sausage?

I can't stop chuckling at the phrase "Oy! Put that party sausage away!" I think that was the greatest way to describe a flasher.

This Ragen Howarth fellow sounds like quite the prize. There's a lot of he said she said, but that sentence alone made me think the story should go up here.

Calling All Guelphites With HP Trekkers

Here's a weird call. Is there anyone who lives in Guelph and has a Trekker with the HP PDA? If you do, please email me.

Long story time. Barb has been telling me that she has a cool Christmas present for me and can't wait to give it to me. Well, she finally gave it to me, and boy oh boy oh boy is it cool! Do ya wanna know what it is? Do ya? Sure ya do! It's a Trekker. A full-fledged Trekker! Yeeeee!

This will be way cool for the next two years as Guelph gets ripped up as part of the Guelph Remastered, or as Steve affectionately calls it, Guelph Rerouted plan.

So anyway, I have discovered that the trekker and the cradle don't seem to be getting along. I have to figure out if it's the cradle's fault, the trekker's fault, or whose fault it is. So...anyone who lives nearby, would you be so kind as to let me put my trekker in your cradle?

This probably won't work, but I don't know a whole heap of Trekker users, so I have to try what I can.

Fly The We're Gettin' Too Friendly In Here Skys

I know if I were a dude and I found that my scrotum was bleeding while I was on a plane, I'd be pretty freaked out. But I don't think I'd ever ask a flight attendant to give the area a close examination to figure out what was wrong, and then sue when the attendant refused. But then again, I'm not Marcel Cote. Thankfully, his lawsuit was dismissed.

I'm not saying his vacation wasn't ruined, but it was because of his bleeding sack, not because of the action of flight attendants.

Several Wrongs Do Make A Wright

I don't know what to think of poor Charles Wright and his course of action, except to say he's a lucky man.

So they'd built a new court building and everyone was getting used to it. Wright, a security officer, took a wrong turn, and wound up locked in a holding cell. Wright was claustrophobic. You can see this isn't going to end well. He tried to call for help, but couldn't get a signal. He waited for 20 minutes before panicking and trying to shoot out the glass. Well, that didn't work so well because the glass, quelle surprise, was bullet-proof. The sheriff says he's lucky he wasn't killed by the ricochets. They sent him home...and he probably won't be coming back.

If I were claustrophobic and in that situation, I don't know what I would have done. He did try to call for help and it did take him 20 minutes to totally wig out. Poor guy. He'll probably never live it down.

You Say Peetato

So, we have established from this story that Steven Andrew Plank is a screwed up man. I mean, who throws urine on his dad for cooking potatos on the stove? Where else would one cook potatos? Not only did he throw his dad's own piss on him, but he threw the potatos on him! Gees! What a messed up son. I wonder how long his dad had been living with him. And it's never mentioned how the poor old guy is doing. Was he burned? Even if he wasn't, how exactly do you recover from your son hucking your own pee on you?

This One Wasn't Playing

I wonder what, besides alcohol, compelled Donald Wolfe to try and resuscitate a dead possum. I love the following quote.

Trooper Levier said Wolfe was "extremely intoxicated" and "did have his mouth in the area of the animal's mouth, I guess."

I wonder if he was trying to make up for Kevin A. Temple's drunken possum-slaying. Whatever his motivation was, the police carted him away for being drunk out of his tree. Yuck!

Why Not Change The First Name To Chester?

If you're going to buy a five-year-old child, your name had better not be Patrick Ange Molesti. If it is, then you're just doomed.

As an aside, I wonder if the child he was trying to buy was Gavin.

Holly Update

Wooohooo, I have some good news. Holly got her ABI activated! It sounds like it will be a long and difficult process, but it has begun, and it's working. Also, she got one of those Deafblind Communicator thingies I was talking about, and she's loving it to death.

Holy crap, I'm so happy it all worked out, and by the sounds of it, so is she.

Windows Can Be Made To Sing!

And I thought Jim of Seattle had a clever idea. Here's one better. This piece of music is entirely played by windows sounds. Um, wow.

My Latest Freaky Trixie Dream

I had a really freaky dream last night so figured I'd write it down.

I dreamed I came into a store with Trixie, and someone else's service dog attacked Trix. In the confusion, nobody could figure out which dog was the aggressor, and both of us were saying it wasn't our dog. So, for some reason, they kicked both dogs out of the store while we shopped. I don't know how we accomplished this, but we're in dream land, so whatever.

Someone must have thought our dogs were just random loose dogs, and called the Humane society. When we came out, neither of our dogs could be found. Someone told us what happened, and I flipped my lid. There I was, caneless, with no way to get to the Humane Society to rescue my dog. I tried to call the Humane Society, but I kept getting automated lines telling me how to donate. I couldn't remember the address, and even if I could remember it, I felt I had no way to get there. I was begging people to drive me there, and everyone refused. I started to panic that they would euthenize my dog if I didn't either get a hold of them or get there...and started to hyperventillate...and then I woke up.

What the hell was that? Seriously, what the hell was that? I guess, every now and then, I'm due to have a Trixie abandonment dream.

He'll Be Dumped Now

Alrighty. So let's get this logic straight. Austin Horries Purifoy didn't want to get caught smoking by his girlfriend, but he thought it would be ok if he busted into her car with a rock, stole some money from her car and then took a dump on her back seat. That'd be just fine. Too bad he got the wrong car. There's nothing like coming out to your car and finding a dude pulling up his underwear. Ick.

Funny his last name almost spells purify. That car is going to need some purification.

In This Case, He'll Be Presumed Guilty Until It's Proven

So another murder defendant slugged his lawyer. Bla bla bla, add him to the list. But the consequences for this guy were, um, quite interesting.

On Wednesday, he returned to Gallagher's courtroom for the first time since the outburst with his wrists, legs and head strapped to a rolling chair, and his mouth covered. The restraints will be in place whenever he returns, the judge said.

So, imagine what effect that will have on the jury. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be chained up and muzzled like a vicious dog, but um, I think that will definitely kinda negate any testimony that he gets that says really, he's a nice guy.

I'm Telling!

Here's another one who's not meant for a life of crime. An unnamed teen came into a convenience store and walked to the counter with some items. He then somehow got behind the counter and behind the clerk, intending to sneak up behind him and put a kitchen knife to the clerk's neck. The clerk heard him coming, swung around to face him, and had his hands in the air. One of them hit the kid in the face. This was enough to knock the kid flat on his back. The kid immediately said "I'll pay. Don't tell my mom, and don't tell the cops." Then he ran off, leaving the knife behind.

The clerk must have clonked him a good one. Well, he'll think twice about robbing places...at least I hope so. I'm not sure if his photo's in that story, but if it is, and his mom reads the paper, he can consider her told.

Good Aim, Bad Choice

So...judging from the story, we know what Krystal Gardner's priorities are. First, her SUV, then maybe her kid...if the kid is lucky.

Someone came to repossess her SUV, and was in the process of doing so when Gardner lobbed her baby through the window of the moving vehicle. The repo man put the car in park, and was immediately shot at by someone else in the house. Gees! The things she'll do to keep her car!

They didn't mention how the poor little baby was doing after that, but I hope he's doing ok. They did say that Gardner's car was eventually repossessed.

Would That Be For Here, Or To Go...To Jail?

Here comes another case of dumbasses calling a place and ordering them to have money because they're coming to rob the joint. We've talked about this before.

This one's especially dumb because Albert Bailey, the dude who was supposedly the brains of this latest outfit, was on probation after robbing somewhere else. So...he should have known that calling ahead isn't smart. I love the fact that he sent the 16-year-old in to do the deed. Just fabulous.

The CRTC Kind Of Makes A Good Decision

CBC blasts CRTC for TV signals decision

I understand why the CBC folks are upset, but honestly, excluding it from thenew consumer raping regimewas the one thing that the Commission got right.

The CBC is in a unique position. It's funded by the government, but also is able to sell advertising to make up for funding gaps. I'm not saying that the CBC doesn't need money, it does and I wish the government would quit screwing around with its funding levels and invest in it properly. What I am saying is that allowing it to take part in the same negotiations as private broadcasters would be completely inappropriate.

I talked in the post linked above about double dipping. Well, letting the CBC in on this fair market signal value action...it doesn't get any more double dippy than that. when something is funded by the government, what that really means is that it's funded by you and I. whenever we buy something and pay tax on it, whenever we have taxes taken off of our weeks pay, really any time we pay a fee to the government for any reason there's a chance that some of that money is going into the CBC. so for the network to then turn around and say that it should be included in a process that will for all intents and purposes see new funding come out of our pockets via the cable companies, that's just plain wrong and I'm happy to see that though the CRTC generally doesn't care much about consumers in the slightest (don't worry, Canadians won't mind paying the new costs and can totally afford it) that they made a somewhat sensible move for once.

There's also the issue of signal blackouts if negotiations aren't going well. According to CRTC chairman Konrad von Finckenstein, the broadcasting act states that the CBC must always be available to Canadians, so creating a situation like we could see with private broadcasters either cutting or having their signals cut by TV providers would run afoul of that. to me, that makes sense. I know I'd be quite angry if something I was already paying for was taken away from me because somebody thought I needed to pay for it again.

Von Finckenstein also said that the Commission hasn't forgotten about the CBC and will work on something that may help them once they have a better idea of how things go for the private broadcasters, a statement that kind of makes me wonder if I might at some point have to take back everything I just said.

I need to talk a little more about this blackout idea while I'm here. The thing is unfair and unworkable from the outset. does anybody honestly believe for one second that any cable or satellite company that also owns TV stations is going to pull its own signals from itself? Give me a fucking break! I can see right away where this is going. "The Rogers group of stations is working hand in hand with Rogers Cable to come to an agreement, but those dicks from Bell won't step up to the plate." If you're one of those people who's unsure about who owns what, you'll almost certainly have a pretty good idea of how it works once you start losing stations during negotiations. What a complete crock.

She's Teaching Something, But I'm Not Sure It's On The Lesson Plan

It's funny. When you read the story of a teacher calling a student an idiot, you want her to be fired too. But when you hear the 26-minute recording, the lines aren't so black and white. Just to warn ya, the recording takes a second to load, but it should load with no further intervention from you.

On one hand, that student sounds like a handful and a half. I think she would have grated on my last nerve.

On the other, what kind of teacher lets this go on for 26 minutes? Somebody who has no control. If I had acted like that, I would have been in the principal's office so fast I wouldn't have known what hit me. My teacher would not have sworn at me, repeated my own words back at me, and resorted to the old rubber on glue reference. Come on, is the teacher more juvenile than the student? The most I would have gotten would be "Carin, I will not tolerate this behaviour. You are going to the principal's office." And if I didn't go willingly, she would have paged the principal, and probably before she had finished, I woulda been bootin' it for the office because I knew I was in deep crap. Reading that, it sounds like I was sent to the principal's office routinely haha. No, really, I wasn't, but I watched lots of my fellow students get the boot.

This teacher must be a bit of a prize if not one, but two students had recorded this little exchange. Kids don't just decide to record the first fight between teacher and student. Part of me wonders what motivated the students' recording it. Was it to laugh at the student being berated, or was it to show their parents what kind of a teacher Cydney Abrams is? Does this crap happen routinely, and some smart student wanted to show how their class time was being wasted? I know I would have been half tempted to get up and walk out of that class. I mean, why should I sit there and watch this stupidity? I wouldn't have been able to think or study. I might as well go to the library where I can actually use my brain in peace.

You know, I would have killed for an mp3 recorder when I had the English teacher from hell. It would have been nice to have some recorded ammo of her unfairness. But she was smart. She probably would have made it look like she did everything right. it would have taken a lot of documenting to show how she treated us differently and degraded us.

I think the teacher started off good...but something has happened to her along the way and she's got some serious burnout. Maybe this will make her sit up and think about how she feels about teaching.

GDB Online Auction

I just got news of this, so figured I'd put it up.

GDB is holding its first online auction to raise funds. There are lots of cool weekend getaways, gift baskets, and other stuff up for grabs. If you want to have a look at what they've got, pop on over to their catalogue. Bidding is open until April 10.

Let The Nickel And Diming Continue!

The CRTC made a bunch of television related decisions today,here's a summary of what went down.One of them in particular caught my eye.

Value of local television programming

As part of its framework, the Commission has set out a market-based solution to allow private local television stations to negotiate with cable and satellite companies. Each television station would have the option of entering into negotiations to establish a fair value for the distribution of their programs.

"The current dispute between conventional broadcasters and distributors threatens the overall integrity of the broadcasting system," said Mr. von Finckenstein. "Broadcasters and distributors have a symbiotic relationship. The time has come for them to put their differences aside and work together to ensure the continuation of conventional television, which Canadians clearly value."

During its proceeding, the CRTC received conflicting legal opinions as to whether it has the authority to implement a negotiation regime. Given that this issue is vital to the future of conventional television, the Commission has initiated a reference to the Federal Court of Appeal seeking clarification on its jurisdiction under the Broadcasting Act. The CRTC has asked the Court to consider its request on an expedited basis.

You may have noticed that nowhere in there is there any mention of not allowing cable and satellite companies to pass the cost of this new system through to the consumer. So just like Ithought,pending court approval, we're about to get fucked by the broadcasting industry with help from the government yet again. Unless there's something in the works to chase down anybody with a TV tower or a coat hanger and shake the change out of their pockets, pretty much what all of this amounts to is punishment for subscribing to cable. Just a complete and utter hose job no matter how you look at it.

And what makes it even worse is that none of this is going to fix what's wrong with local TV, it's only going to let people who haven't got a clue how to adapt to a changing world put off the inevitable. Or to put it another way, local TV isn't going to improve, it's just that the stations in your area will suck but will have more money to not spend on actual local programming for a while...at least until this round of extortion doesn't work and they have to figure out who's fault their failures become now that TV providers (don't even get me started on how the networks and providers are essentially the same people) didn't turn out to be the answer. Like I'vesaid before,none of this crying about local TV means jack shit until we make it a rule that if you claim to be in financial trouble, you can't go spending billions of dollars to import shows that anybody with cable can already get on 22 different stations. We don't need CTV to show us American Idol and CSI, we have Fox and CBS for that. We're already paying for that stuff, so dinging us again and disguising it as saving community stations is blatant double dipping, not to mention dishonesty. What we do need CTV for is to keep us connected with where we live. I know that's what the news is for, but there's so much more that can be done beyond that, and that's where the money needs to go. Could you imagine what would happen if every network spent even half of the money they spend on foreign programming on developing good home grown shows? the possibilities are endless!

The only way a single cent should come out of my pocket or your pocket is if we're sure it's going to go towards something of value to our areas and not into feeding a huge machine that cares so little about communities that it's stripped away the very identities of the stations that are supposedly so important. Around here we don't get our local news from CKCO or TV London anymore, we get it from CTVSWO and A Channel. What kind of message does that send?

I still wouldn't like it, but I think I might have less of a problem with what's going on if it was fair which it can't be unless it applies to everybody and not just those using cable, and also would change something for the better, which as long as media ownership rules are what they are and the CRTC is in the pocket of those ownership groups and unwilling to change broadcast standards it won't.

Weekends From Hell

Is Judge Robert Benjamin stupid? He has to be if he thinks it's ok to make two little girls spend weekends with their pedophile dad. Oh but they have to have a lockable door at night, and they have to be in the same room, and an adult friend has to stay over when they come over. Does this guy not know how manipulative pedophiles can be? He'll find a way to molest his daughters. He'll just send the adult friend out for milk and send one of the girls with him, and then get to the other one. And putting them in the same room won't stop him either. How many cases have you heard of where one sister knew what was going on, but was too afraid to do something?

The kids themselves say they don't want to be alone with their dad, and he's convicted of making and downloading child porn, and the judge is making them go anyway. Absolutely disgusting. I thought visitation with kids was supposed to benefit both kids and parents. If measures have to be taken to protect the kids from their dad, and they're afraid, how is it benefitting the kids at all?

Squirrels Will Never Be The Same For Those Kids

What the? That's all I can say. I challenge anyone else to come up with anything after reading this disturbing story of Timothy Flood.

They said that Flood “pulled down his blue boxer shorts, exposed his penis to them and told them they better be glad they don’t have ‘these’ (testicles) because they itch all the time.”

The warrant application also stated that Flood had placed a squirrel’s skull “on the head of his penis and tells them to look at it and then eats the squirrel’s eyeballs.”

Flood allegedly told the victims that he was going to “bounce this on top of their heads” and tried to hit one of them in the head with his penis three times, according to the document.

How the hell does one hit someone in the head with his penis? It sounds like the guy who was accused of swinging his genetals.

I Wonder If He Told Them It Was Raining.

What kind of weirdo would walk up behind girls and piss on their legs? I guess Nintikuma Patel would. How disgusting!

And am I the only one who finds it amusing that somewhere, there's a "Vroom Street?" Vroom vroom vroom down vroom street.

Something Tells Me He Won't Be Getting Contracts

For christ's sake, if you're going to rob a bar, at least give it some time between drinking at said bar and coming back with a gun. Don't have a night of fun, walk out the door with a woman, and come back in just a few minutes later with a rifle and demands for money. But whatever you do, don't rob a bar after you just spent the evening passing out your business card. Lots of the same people who still had your card were there, making it really easy for cops to find you.

I love the fact that a bartender tailed him home, and took his rifle and registration from his car. I wonder if they'll get nailed for something for taking stuff from his car without permission. You never know anymore.

His Space Will Be A Jail Cell

Wow. Looks like we have another Jonathan G. Parker. That's three of them in under a year!

This unnamed boy broke into a furniture store's office, stole some things, then got on the computer, looked at some porn, then logged into his MySpace and listed the items he was planning to walk off with. It didn't take long for police to find him. He sure made himself at home in there, staying for five hours. Why didn't some alarm go off which would have sent the police sooner?

Insanity On All Fronts

This story, in and of itself, isn't that super odd, but the background sure is. Jane Woerner caused a bit of a stir at an airport when she flashed her privates at a female screener when the screener asked to check her privately, then kicked an officer and dit a lot of swearing and screaming. But here's where it gets weird. She had been accused of the 1993 murder of Kevin Michael Brickey, a poor random dude who was in the wrong place at the wrong time when voices told her to run him over with her car. Courts eventually ruled that she would never be fit to stand trial, so...they dismissed the case and released her into the custody of her husband. This is what we do when someone has randomly killed someone and they could do it again at any time? I feel safer already.

Now, let's flash forward to the airport incident. When officers asked her husband if he could take her to the hospital, he said he wasn't comfortable with that, and got on the plane without her! So, the one person who is responsible for someone who is always in a state of psychosis has no problem just abandoning her who knows where when taking care of her doesn't suit him. Even better.

What a screwed up situation.

Laundry Chutes Are For Laundry

Ya know, when you're 20 years old, and you're being dared by kids to do stuff, you're supposed to be the sensible one. So when they dare you to go down a laundry chute, you're supposed to say no so you don't get stuck and need rescuing by firefighters like this nimrod did. I thought the funniest part was this part of the rescue.

The situation became more tense when firefighters brought out a saw to cut the man out of the chute. A young girl in the house began to panic, believing they were going to cut him in half. Woyak’s partner had to calm the girl and assure her they would not cut the man, as firefighters began to cut a hole in the wall.

The weirdest part was they didn't mention the kids' parents being there. Was this guy babysitting? I bet he'll never be back to babysit again.

No Child Left Behind And No Teacher Left To Teach Them

I was tooling around looking for posts, and accidentally found the story of every teacher being fired at a high school. Is this normal? It seems like an awfully drastic measure. Has this happened in other schools, or is this a precedent? And is this a dangerous precedent to set? Could a whole staff be fired under the guise of needing to fix performance issues with a school when really, the teachers were just trying to negotiate a new contract? I guess administrative staff were fired as well in this case, but still.

And what's up with calling an assembly and making the fired stand up one by one to be told they're fired?

And why was this done in the middle of the school year? If kids are underperforming, one way to surely drive their performance into the ground would be to make it so they can't go to school until new staff are hired.

That's just super odd and kind of creepy.

Raid: Kills Seniors Dead

Imagine this scenario. You're living in your house, minding your own business, when suddenly, police are pounding on your door. They're convinced some dangerous criminal is hiding in there. After they find you in there, and noone else, they come to realize that your house has been entered into a department-wide computer system as some kind of test case. They apologize to you, and say it will never happen again. But it does. Three times a week for years, police come pounding on your door in search of phantom criminals. This is the story of Walter and Rose Martin.

The elderly couple has been living with this for years, and one of these times, a raid will for sure kill one of them with the stress of it all. They have been assured that the house has been removed from the database, but it keeps happening. The even weirder part is the house's previous owner had dealt with a similar situation, only his was caused by a devious neighbour calling in false complaints.

Why the hell would you enter a random house into a system for testing purposes? It's about as bad as putting drugs in random people's bags to test drug-sniffing dogs.

The police say this should stop, but the Martins are understandably sceptical. I say if there's even one more raid, they should sue the police for this. They should be compensated for living through 8 years of false raids.

Only One? Things are looking up!

Burglary reported in North America

I also love the opening line.

A man in the North America community reported Monday the burglary of his residence.

Just Couldn't Stay Off The Drugs

I know Michael Berg was happy that he passed his court-ordered drug test, but perhaps sucking back a bunch of booze and then a shot glass full of liquid morphine wasn't the best way to celebrate. It sure wasn't in this case, Berg is dead now.

On His Parenting Report, This One Gets A Disgusted Face

Here's a thought for the dad who made his sun kneel on bottle caps because of a sad face on a school report. Maybe the reason he's misbehaving at school is because of the way he's being treated at home. Maybe dear old dad can think about that while in jail.

Give Me Five Grand, I'll Get Five Years

Here comes another kid being offered up for sale for who knows what reason. this time it's a 4-year-old boy. Nobody knows if this guy is serious, and now the ad has been pulled. It's too bad it's been pulled, because the ad had a picture of the boy in it, and the woman who found it managed to copy the text, but not the picture. That's an ultimate damn it moment right there.

I don't know what to think when you read how the ad is described. Part of me thinks this idiot was trying to be funny, especially the way he describes the kid screaming for hours. But you read the rest and you wonder.

The author said the boy was a “great kid” but that he could no longer afford to care for him. The boy loves basketball, football and soccer but doesn’t play with cars, refuses to eat vegetables and can scream for hours at a time.

“But he always has a smile on his face,” according to the ad.

“It is going to kill me to do this but as I stated before I cannot afford to keep him. His Motherr is out of the picture and my parents no longer talk to me since I’ve had Gavin,” the ad read, according to the search warrant. “So I don’t know what else to do other than find a good family with kids or a couple that wants a son.”

The seller, who identified himself as Rick Obelophy, said he wouldn’t give the boy “to anyone.”

“I want to meet with you and make sure you will be fit parents,” the ad read.

He makesit sound like he's giving away a pet for adoption. I hope they get to the bottom of this, and fast

Ro Cost Me 20 Bucks, Plus Some Random Complaining And Such

Over on herblog, our good buddy Ro was doing her damnedest a few days back to sell me MLB Gameday Audio. Well, between her, the Blind Tech list's huge thread about it, Jerry Howarth and the Shoe thief, I had no choice but to cave and fork over my $20. You really can't go wrong for that price. $20 for the whole year including spring training and the playoffs? You'd be a fool not to go for it if you're a baseball fan.

So here I sit, contentedly listening to the Jays and Orioles as I work on the blog, get dinner started and consider putting the balcony furniture back outside where it belongs now that the weather is good again. Life's pretty good, accept I'm out 20 bucks and my fucking thumb hurts. One has nothing to do with the other, I just want to complain since I don't do nearly enough of that here.

About that, it's true what they say, you never notice how much you use something until you hurt it, then every single thing you do at any given time involves it no matter how big or small that thing is. I don't know exactly what I hit it on, but I know that at some point while I was away I wacked my right thumb on something and it bent in a weird way and started to hurt. Ever since,and keep in mind this has been going on for a couple weeks now, it hurts like crazy to do simple things with it. Picking stuff up, sucks. Turning on taps, sucks. Opening bags and packages...don't even get me started on that. Typing isn't too bad, which is surprising because my right thumb is my spacebar hitter and you'd think that would hurt like a bastard.

Having a bad thumb is no good, but what really annoys me is that every time it gets close to feeling better I manage to hit it or snag it on something and set things back again. And it's dumb stuff too, like somehow in the middle of last night I managed to catch it in the bed sheets while I was pulling the blankets up over myself. Who does that?

Again there's no point to any of this, I'm just bitching because I've got nothing else to post.

Update: I *was* contentedly listening to the Jays and Orioles, but the stream dropped and I can't get it back so now I've switched to the Braves and Cardinals...which as I type this just dropped too. Astros and Tigers? Nope, won't play. Ok, how's about we check out some Pirates and Twins? Appears to be negatory on that one too. Jesus, sometimes I think that even though the world doesn't hate me, it does enjoy messing with me for sport. To Ro or anybody who would happen to know, how common are dropped streams on this thing? Does it have a bug up its ass today or is this going to be a constant problem? Oh well, at least they have archives so I can always catch what I want later I suppose...but still...RRRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGG!

I was hoping to move furniture to the soundtrack of a baseball game, but I guess doing so on a sunny day is what I'll have to settle for. Yeah, life's rough isn't it?

Dental Work And Paper Clips Do Not Mix

Ok so here's another dentist you should avoid if he ever is able to practice again. Michael Clair would do root canals and use paper clips instead of the stainless steel posts he's supposed to. Of course, he would bill for the posts anyway, and the patients would find out later what he really used.

Scary, scary stuff.

Hidy-Hoe, Neighbour!

Wow. Don't get between 80-year-old Gene Chambers and his Little Debbie oatmeal cookies. Apparently they mean a lot to this guy.

Chambers somehow got it into his head that his neighbours had broken into his house and stolen 7 boxes of Little Debbie's oatmeal cookies. So he was going to get them back. First, he knocked on the door, but when he knocked, they were sleeping. He would not be denied, and started wacking the door with a garden hoe! He did so much damage that their door will have to be replaced.

Being the smart people they were, they did not answer Chambers. They blocked the door with a couch and called the cops. When Chambers told the cops what he was doing and why, they went with him back to his house to check for evidence of theft. There, inside a cabinet, were 5 boxes of Little Debbie cookies with a receipt saying he bought 5 boxes. So, not only were none of them stolen, he never bought 7 in the first place.

I think, after he goes to jail, he needs to go to a nursing home. He's losing it.

Maybe His Cell Mate Will Keep Him Warm Now

That would have been quite a wake-up call. You're peacefully sleeping, and then you feel someone crawling into bed with you. You think it's your girlfriend, so you call out her name, but a male voice responds "No it's not." That's what happened to this poor sucker.

Apparently, Michael Karanja Kamau, the man who crawled into this poor man's bed, just wanted to get in out of the cold, so broke into this dude's apartment and slipped into bed with him. He was a little tipsy, but the cops say he knew what he was doing.

That's just wacked beyond words. I don't think I'd sleep very well ever again after that.

Once The Bun Comes Out Of The Oven, It's Not Supposed To Go Back In

Larry Long and Brandy Hatton sound like quite the pair. I wonder how they managed to take care of two other kids before this incident.

Long said he went to work and smoked some marijuana which he thinks may have been laced with something else. He came home, and he and Hatton drank a fifth of whiskey. Hatton went to bed, and Long doesn't remember what he did next, but at 5:30 the next morning, inexplicably, their five-week-old baby's cries were heard coming from the oven!

Thankfully the oven was never on, and the baby was unhurt, but what would possess someone to put the baby in the oven?

Now all three kids have been taken away, and who knows what will happen. What a scary close call.

My Name Is Sue, How Do You Do?

My god, the people with whom we share this earth! I have been rendered speechless. I...I don't know what to say. Just read this story, and check to make sure you still have both your ears. Then make sure noone who looks like Susan Mukuhi Mwarabu is anywhere near you.

According to the criminal complaint, police were called to the Uptowner at 4:22 a.m. about an assault.

The victim, a 33-year-old man identified as C.R.H., said he had been eating at the cafe with a group of friends.

Four women, including an apparently intoxicated Mwarabu, were eating at another table.

C.R.H. said in the complaint that his group of friends did not know any of the women.

One of C.R.H.'s friends commented about one of the females eating french fries, according to the complaint.

One of the women gave the friend a look, the complaint said, and "they went about their own separate business."

Mwarabu then approached the friend who made the comment and "leaned down, licked his face and appeared as if she was going to throw up," the complaint said.
The friend gently pushed her away.

Mwarabu then leaned toward C.R.H. and licked his ear. C.R.H. "moved her back from him," according to the complaint, but Mwarabu leaned in again and bit
off part of his ear.

Mwarabu's friends asked C.R.H., who was now bleeding, if he was OK. "He was in shock," the complaint said.

An employee of the Uptowner told the women to leave.

As they left, one of C.R.H.'s friends told police, he saw Mwarabu pick up the piece of C.R.H.'s ear from the floor and put it in her mouth, according to
the complaint.

C.R.H. was treated by a plastic surgeon at a hospital and told that some of the ear would grow back. The doctor said it would take time to determine if
more surgery would be needed.

I know she was drunk, but that does not explain that level of insanity. And this woman *was* teaching sixth-graders. I love how the school board hadn't heard about what happened until reporters started calling, asking questions. They thought she was just off sick. Well, I guess she has to be sick to bite off and chew on some yummy human ear.

Big Mamma

Barb keeps saying we need a really fat people tag...and I'm starting to think she's right. Just look at the story of Donna Simpson. She is *trying* to reach 1000 pounds. She is trying! She says the weight isn't impacting her health, even though in the next breath she admits needing a mobility scooter and says she can't walk 20 feet without sitting down. She goes on websites where men pay to watch her eat more fast food. Ug.

Does she not want to live long enough to see her daughter grow up? People aren't meant to literally weigh a ton.

I would advise her partner Philippe to be careful what he wishes for. I mean, he doesn't want to make her mad, or she could pull a Mia Landingham, and he wouldn't stand a chance.

The Only Snorting People Will Be Doing Will Be Caused By Laughter

I think someone was trying to send this German guy a message that he was not meant to do drugs. He was getting drugs all ready to snort, and was using the roof of a car. He didn't realize that the car he was using was an unmarked police car, and the cops using the car just happened to walk by. Busted!

Yup, that's definitely horrible luck.

Do Not Pass Go, Get Your Head Kicked In

We've said before that paying for crack with a credit card is not a good idea. Now, we found out about someone who thought paying with Monopoly money would be a swell plan. Funny I should say "swell." It sounds like he'll have quite a few bumps on his head from the beating he received from the angry crack dealer. What surprised me was it took the crack dealer 2 weeks to tell him with words and fists that his payment method wasn't accepted.

Someone Needs More Training...No, Not That Kind.

I know that when police and firefighters are responding to an accident, they have to think quickly. But why would anyone think train tracks would be a good place to park a giant fire engine? Of course, the train came while they were dealing with things, and the fire engine was turned into a crumpled wreck.

Hellooo. Train tracks are for trains, not for parking fire trucks.

"My Sister's Keeper" Is A Keeper

A little while ago, my mom told me I should read "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. The next day, what do I see but that very book. I figured it was a sign and read it...and it definitely was a good book.

Remember back when I wrote about saviour siblings? This book is all about that, from the perspective of just such a kid.

Imagine this scenario. There is a family that seems to have it all. They're a mom, a dad, and two kids. Then, the little girl gets a horrible form of cancer, and needs very special cells that no living member of the family can provide. The mom figures out that if they see a geneticist and build just such a baby, they could use the umbillical cord blood to save their little girl...and so, their third child is born.

But because cancer is a bitch, soon the sick little girl needs more cells, cells that the third child can provide. For years, the third child always has to be available to donate cells, tissues, and when she is 13 years old, she is asked for a kidney, and it's just too much. She decides to sue her parents for the right to her own body.

This is another one of those books that is written so well that the family seems very real. After I finished reading it, I would catch myself wondering how a given character was doing, and then slap myself. Yup, I'm an idiot. It's a book. But the characters felt so real, and were so truly complicated that I cried in spots and they felt like actual people with independent thought. Somehow, Picoult mastered the art of making you truly grasp where each character was coming from. Sometimes you hated them for their opinion, sometimes you loved them for it, but by the end, you got it.

I thought it was interesting that she threw in a character with a service dog. What made it even cooler was that she picked someone with an invisible disability, so you got to see how much harassment people with invisible disabilities get who have service animals. I don't blame people for asking questions, but some people can just be, well, jerks about it. I love the constant refrain of "You don't look blind." that Campbell Alexander gets wherever he goes with his dog. But, um, she could have done a wee touch more research about service animals before having characters feed the pooch plates of pasta and coke. If there's anything that screams "pet," it's feeding the thing scraps. And...coke? Are you mad? Who in their right mind feeds an animal coke?

The one thing I could have done without was the stupid romance between the woman who was assigned as the child's advocate and the child's attorney. That was just sixteen zillion kinds of wrong. I'm sure it was meant to lighten the mood, but the whole time the two of them were having long walks on the beach and sunset sails, or fighting about how they handled things in the past, all I could think was "You guys are such shallow toolchests! We have a kid going beep beep beep in the hospital and another one who's pleading to not have her kidney taken from her, and you guys are locking eyes? This is so unethical and so enraging that it's not funny! I don't care I don't care I don't care!" It did nothing to advance the plot, except make me hate both the lawyer and the advocate chick. The lawyer came through and redeemed himself...I'm not sure if I was impressed with the advocate chick at all.

I seem to be the last person on the planet who read this book. Everybody I've mentioned it to says they've read it. Wow. Well, I'm glad I finally did. Thanks, mom, for getting me to find it.

No Fair! That's Profiling!

One-legged man held after one shoe goes missing from shop

Good 8:48 AM But Only In My Time Zone, Everybody!

Here's a bit of anarticleabout the Warwickshire police department's Policing Our Communities handbook, which contains a section on communicating with people from different cultural backgrounds. I'm going to present it as written, because everything I could possibly have to say about it has been said elsewhere in the UK tag.

It states: 'Don't assume those words for the time of day, such as afternoon or evening, have the same meaning.'

A force spokesman explained: 'Terms such as afternoon and evening are somewhat subjective in meaning and can vary according to a person's culture or nationality. In many cultures the term evening is linked to time of day when people have their main meal of the day.

'In some countries, including the UK, the evening meal time is traditionally thought of as being around 5-7pm but this might be different, say, for a family from America who might have their main meal earlier and thus for them evening may be an earlier time.'

In a section entitled Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Communities the handbook confusingly states that the phrase 'lesbians and gay men' is likely to be satisfactory for most situations when talking about sexual orientation, but says ' homosexual' is 'best avoided' as the word is 'interpreted differently by many and relates to sexual practice as opposed to sexual orientation'.

Following a Freedom of Information request to police forces and fire services it also emerged that a number, including Essex Police and Northern Ireland Fire and Rescue Service, instruct staff to avoid the words 'child, youth or youngster'.

They could have 'connotations of inexperience, impetuosity and unreliability, or even dishonesty'.

The guide used by them also states that addressing someone as 'boy' or 'girl' may 'cause offence'. It suggests 'young people' instead.

The same guide also warns against the phrases 'manning the phones', 'layman's terms' and 'the tax man', for 'making women invisible'.

So young people is ok, but youngster isn't?

And it continues this way, including this fabulously no shit piece of advice.

"Do take care to be patient and reassuring when accent or language hinders communication. (Remember, a translator could be useful)."

Boy, I sure am glad we have highly paid consultants to figure these things out for us. Wait, should I have said highly paid? It might make poor people feel inadequate

Blonde At The Hardware Store

A blonde called her mom and said, "Hi Mom, I need some help. I'm at the police station."  

"Police station?!  I thought you were with your father at the hardware store."  

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call."  

"Arrested?  My God!  What happened?"  

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."  

"What on earth?  Why did you do that?"  

"It wasn't my fault.  Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

Not All Silicone Is Created Equal.

We'd heard about cosmetic butt injections that weren't what they were supposed to be. Now, six more New Jersey women wound up in hospital after having industrial caulking injected into their buttocks. Six women? And none of them thought things were fishy? God people are desperate for plastic surgery on the cheap. Now they're having other surgery to root out the non-medical grade silicone from their ass cheeks.

Imagine A War Where Nobody On Either Side Quite Understands How Weapons Work

Wow, that sucked.

I guess every war has to start somewhere, but I was hoping for better, at least from the TNA side. I didn't expect WWE to go any more all out than they would have anyway just because it's Wrestlemania season, but TNA had a statement to make and while they did make one, it wasn't we're the alternative you've been waiting for, it was closer to hey everybody, we have no idea what on God's green earth we're doing. You know, the same statement they've been making for most of the last 8 years.

And who are all of these people voting in website polls that Impact was the better show? What were you watching? To me making the choice between which show was better is kind of like deciding whether you'd rather spend the evening projectile vomiting through your nose or having the type of raging shits that feel like you're expelling pure battery acid.

There was exactly one segment on Raw worth watching and they got it out of the way right off the bat. Undertaker vs. Michaels is such a simple storyline and I'm genuinely looking forward to seeing the match. The rest of the show was devoted to criss angel and his lame magic tricks, matches that I had to look up a report to remember at all and whatever the hell that main event was supposed to be.

Speaking of criss Angel, did Michael Cole seriously say that he had been named magician of the decade the last 5 years in a row or am I imagining that? He also said something about him being magician of the century, but he didn't mention which one. I guess if it's this century that accounts for at least one magician of the decade award. But enough about him, his few short segments made me never want to see magic again. I'll give him credit for his energy during the main event ring introductions, though.

Let's talk about that stupid main event. What a dumb ass idea that was. Vince McMahon vs. John Cena makes sense. Batista saying that he's not going to get involved to help Vince like everybody expected the moment it was announced adds a nice extra layer to things. Boy, how's that son of a bitch McMahon going to get himself out of this one? I'm interested. so what do they do? They have Cena run a gauntlet. Ok, fine, whatever works. but this isn't just your average make everybody look like geeks when the main event star kills them in a few seconds each gauntlet, this is a handicap gauntlet. McMahon calls out a series of partners. Each one beats up Cena for a few seconds, then tags Vince in to make the cover. Cena kicks out every time, and whenever he does, a new guy comes out. So I guess in order to fail you don't have to be pinned, you just have to not help your partner win quickly enough. this match happened a week ago and I'm still not sure what the rules are, and I bet you neither is the writing team. This mess goes on until...wait for it...you know where this is going...Batista comes out, Batista Bombs Cena and McMahon gets the cover and wins. So much for not getting involved. I know you're heels, but even the kids you're trying to market this stuff to would watch that and go Jesus Christ, what was that and why did I waste my time?

Wasting my time...that leads us nicely into Impact.

What a completely retarded television program.

Sting is a heel again, because that's worked out so well every other time you idiots have tried it dating back to WCW. Hmm, most of the same idiots making decisions back then too, funny how that works. It was even the classic Vince Russo swerve that you're not supposed to see coming but can smell from miles away. Sting returns, stares down the guys you think he's going to hit and then attacks the other guy. He does it the same way every fucking time!

And while we're on the subject of idiotic Russovian booking, how many authority figures does one company need? Hulk Hogan is in charge accept when he's not, then it's Eric Bischoff. but then above both of them is Dixie Carter, because we need the real life boss on TV because it makes things seem more like a shoot. And if we can get the real life boss to use the guys' real names, that's even better! Have I mentioned lately that Vincent Russo is an utter fucking moron? If not, Vincent Russo is an utter fucking moron. Here's more proof. what ever happened to Mick Foley investing his own money into TNA? Is he not supposed to be the executive shareholder? How did that all fall by the wayside when Hogan and Bischoff showed up, and why is Foley content to play games with the new crew instead of suing them back to the fucking dark ages because he's now out millions of dollars and can't determine the future of something he's a majority partner in? And if he does still have decision making power, why isn't he using it? Now seems like it'd be a good time.

Back to nonsensical heel turns, why are Beer Money heels now? They have literally no reason to want or need to take out Jeff Jarrett. Plus in a few days at the pay-per-view they're fighting for the tag titles against a team that looks to be splitting up with at least one member turning heel. Are their going to be any babyfaces left in this company? Actually never mind, there will be, because I'm sure Beer Money will be babyfaces again within 2 weeks just because. And if you want to give me some argument about how the characters aren't black and white but are rather showing shades of grey, don't waste your time. There's a way to do shades of grey, but what I'm watching here is shades of brown because it's total shit. god I hate this show.

Ok, had to stop and breathe for a minute there...where was I? Oh yeah, total shit.

Total shit like bringing in Rob Van Dam and making him look useless within 5 minutes. Yes I know he ran in and got a quick win over Sting or Steve or whatever you want to call him at this exact second, but then he gets beaten up for what had to be no less than 4 hours before Hulk Hogan can finally be arsed to hobble in and make the save. And why did it take 4 hours for Hogan to do his hobble in? Well, if the report I read is true it's because TNA is such a goddamn clusterfuck that they're doing their pre-tapes as the show is going on and just happened to need Hogan to be in a completely different part of the building at the same time as he's supposed to be in the fucking ring! My head is going to explode.

This show was so bad that not even Ric Flair coming out of retirement and wrestling his first match in the United States in a couple of years against Hulk Hogan no less could save it. By the time it was over I didn't even care that Jeff Hardy showed up.

I'm sure I missed even more stupidity, but honestly I can't talk about this show anymore. All I can do is hope things get better.

So now here's the million dollar question. who won week one of the new Monday Night Wars? That's easy. ring Of Honor. I haven't even watched their show yet but I know for certain it won't be worse than anything I've just talked about. and you know what's really sad? It's the show that nobody is going to see. Life just isn't fair.

Why I Otter...

That would be one hell of a way to start your day. You're strolling along, taking your morning walk, when...you are attacked by a rabid otter! Seriously? Yup, very seriously. That's what happened to 96-year-old Morrell Denton.

The otter was sure determined. Two dudes, along with Denton, tried to get it off. One of them even clonked it with a shovel, and even then, it woke up and tried again. A police officer eventually shot it.

Man, check out that 911 call. I know the operators don't have it easy, but there's more proof. The first dude couldn't even give good directions! No wonder the ambulance couldn't find them. And when she asks how he's doing, try to say more than "He's alive." I did have to chuckle when he said "He's being bitten by a damn otter!"

And I think Denton got a huge compliment. The more sensible fellow who came on at the end estimated Denton was in his upper 60's! He is 96! Keep taking those morning walks there dude, they're keeping you young!

It's been proven that the otter was rabid, so now Denton and another guy who tried to help him will need anti-rabies shots, plus Denton will need plastic surgery. Scary stuff.

She's Gonna Have A Hard Time Saying That's Not Hers...

You know, if your name is Rebekah Michal Tracht-Kader, and you've got a stash of pot in your car, it's not a good idea to write "Rebekah's pot" on the box containing said pot stash. This is especially bad when you're being pulled over for drinking and driving and they find your pot.

Who Does Conone Think He Is, Little Rabbit Foo Foo?

Come on now, Ralph Conone. If you're going to hit kids in Wal-Mart, at least hit the ones who are actually making noise like Roger Stephens did. What you did was just plain weird.

Apparently Conone would walk up behind kids, wait for their parents to get distracted, then put his keys between his fingers and hit the kids in the back of the head. Then he'd slip out the door in the confusion. He liked the excitement of getting away with it. Well, he didn't get away with it this time. A mom figured out her kid got slugged, went out, grabbed Conone by the arm and dragged him back into the store. He's now in jail unless he can pay a big ol' bail.

What will be his next thrill, I wonder?

At Least He's Used To Being Locked Up

If only all burglars were so easy to catch.

Travis James Neeley tried to break into someone's car, but a neighbour saw what he was about to do and told the car's owners. They kept him locked in the car. How did they do this? Every time Neeley tried to open the door to get out, they pushed the lock button on their car's remote. He eventually just gave up and waited for police.

Dude, I don't think you were meant for a life of crime.

Oh Reiki, You're So Fine

Something weird happened to me the other day and I decided to write it down. A friend of mine wanted me to go with her to some International Women's Day events at this place in town. I thought about it for a bit and then decided to go. When we got there, she discovered that her massage therapist was there and was doing Reiki in little 15-minute slots. She asked me if I'd ever had it done. I said no, and ended up trying it.

I discovered two things. First, it takes a lot for me to relax. Trixie was under the table, but I don't think she felt comfortable being under this table while this woman moved around me touching me. So she moved out of the way and lay down. As soon as she moved, my focus went from the feeling of the lady's hands to Trixie. Also, I was listening to the sounds of people walking by. She asked me if the noise was bugging me, and at first I said no, but as time went on, I started to think that yes, it was. For a while, I just kept waiting for something to happen, and my mind was busy dancing around, similar to what it does if I try to meditate. I was wondering if I had to move in some way, do something, what was supposed to happen. Was I too tense? Then as soon as she asked me what time it was and I saw that I'd been there five minutes longer than I should have been, I sprang up. I think the poor woman must have thought I was difficult.

The second thing I learned was I must have needed to relax, because right when she was finishing up, my whole body started twitching. First my arms started to shake, then my fingers sort of twitched, then my legs started doing that jumpy thing they do if I fall off a cliff in my sleep. It was like I'd done some weird progressive relaxation thing. Then when my friend came back for me, she said my cheeks were all red! What's up with that?

So...if anyone else has had Reiki done, does your body do that too? Or am I just a weirdo?

Your Baby Can Read...If You Read To Him

I woke up in the middle of the night to an infomercial for this DVD set called Your Baby Can Read! They were charging upwards of $200 for this set of DVD's and cards that you could use to start teaching your baby, as in under a year old, to read. I remember thinking "What a crock," and going to bed.

Why do people need to buy products to help their kids learn about letters and numbers? Why not just talk to your kid, point at stuff, ya know, do stuff with your kid?

And shouldn't people know that plunking their kids in front of a TV when they're not even 1 is a bad idea? Can you say Baby Einstein?

I googled this set just to see what I could find. I was amazed by two things. First, a lot of parents are contemplating getting it, and are asking forums. Eek. Thankfully they are getting a lot of sensible responses. Second, some people actually like this thing!

I really don't know what else to say except I'm scared. If I had a baby, I think I could find a better use for $200 and still get him to have fun with letters and numbers.

So Much For Teaching Tolerance

All Constance McMillen wanted to do was go to the prom with her date. Her date happened to be a girl. They just wanted to wear tuxes and go to the prom. The Mississippi school first said they couldn't go. The girls didn't like that, and contacted the ACLU, which said the school had to drop its objections to same sex dates. The school board responded by canceling the prom.

What a stupid, bigoted thing to do. Not only is it making sure she won't have a prom, but everybody else won't have a prom either, which could cause all kinds of kids to pick on her. If anyone should know that kids can be assholes, it's school officials. They know full well what they are doing.

Now some conservative folks are siding with the school board, offering them free legal services to fight the girls and the ACLU for all kinds of mind-numbingly stupid reasons.

I will never understand people's fear of recognizing gay couples. They aren't telling straight people they have to be gay, why should others tell them they have to be heterosexual? Is it hurting you that Bob likes Bill or Pam likes Sue? I should hope nnot.

It also kills me that having a separate gay prom is considered to be an accommodation for gay students. I understand holding it if gay kids are feeling threatened by their heterosexual peers, but otherwise, why have a separate but equal prom?

What year is it again? Someone remind me. Maybe it's a different year in Mississippi.

Burden Of Proof

I wonder if Betty Burden is the same lady who could walk a straight line in heels while drunk off her ass. It's either that, or she's just plain lucky. I'm leaning towards column B.

Burden managed to drive a bus full of kids to their destinations while having 3 times the legal limit of alcohol in her system. Only *after* she dropped off the kids was she pulled over and tested. It's pretty disgusting that a coworker noticed she smelled of booze, but the supervisor wasn't alerted for another hour. If she crashed the bus while driving the kids home and some of the kids got hurt or killed, wouldn't that have been a terrible preventable tragedy?

Well, Betty Burden won't be driving the bus for a while now.

A Few Jokes

I always like it when I get jokes from Brad. Not sure if the rest of you do or will, but...

*I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

*Why is it that when your wife becomes pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations," but none of them rub your dick and say "well done"?

*Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.

"Is this yours>?" she asked.

"Probably," said Paddy. "She burns everything else!"

*They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

*A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

*A biker goes to the doctor to check into some hearing problems he's been having.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

And This Is What They Spend Taxes On?

Ann sent me this, saying it's beyond stupid. I agree.

Two men from the IRS came driving into a Sacramento car wash demanding payment of delinquent taxes from 2006. How much did the car wash owe? A whopping 4 cents! Well, that was what they originally owed. But because this was owed for nearly 4 years, and taxes and penalties were added on, it was up to $202.35. Especially odd was the fact that the car wash had received a letter back in 2009 saying they were completely up to date on their taxes.

And the IRS bothered to do this over 4 cents? What a waste. Why not spend time going after the real tax evaders?

Online Parolympic Coverage

I just got a link to hopefully better parolympic coverage than we're going to see on actual TV.

Apparently, parolympic action will be broadcast online at http://paralympicsport.tv. The site works, but woe is me, there is no commentary! I think I am watching sledge hockey right now, but I will never know the score.

So...to those of you who can see, enjoy the Parolympic coverage.

Talking Blind Man's Blues

Jen sent me something that I think needs a spot up on this old blog. I give you the Talking Blind Man's Blues. It says it's by Chrissie Cochrane, but I swear Chrissie a. is female and b. doesn't sound like that. But it's a good song and it made me chuckle.

And it also made me realize that Steve's old Blind Canadian bit needs a spot up here. He made it for the school for the blind's Audible Otter, which is a yearbook on tape, now on CD. I believe it was up in the 1999-2000 yearbook, and I think that was the first one that was on CD. Steve can correct me if I'm wrong.

It's a parody of the old Joe Canada Rant that was in beer commercials. So, listen to that one first. And that slamming noise in the blind Canadian thing was supposed to represent him knocking over the podium, although sadly it sounds more like a door slamming. Oh well.

I've wanted to put Steve's bit up there for a while now. This morning I got an extra good reason.

That Blew Up In Her Face, Now Didn't It?

Here's a little tip. If you want to give someone something that you think is the bomb, don't put it in a box labelled "Bomb!" on their doorstep. It is especially bad to have a drawing of a bomb on the box.

Poor Terri Talbott. All she wanted to do was give Tina Romero some vegetables that made a good cabbage stew. They were the bomb, in fact, or so she thought. So she put them in a box and wrote "bomb!" on it and left the box on Romero's doorstep. But Romero thought it was an actual bomb, so called 911. The police showed up, the seniors complex was evacuated, and the bomb squad was called.

Talbott happened to be driving by and managed to explain the whole thing, probably before the cabbage stew makings were blown to bits. Although it made me chuckle, the evacuated seniors didn't think it was such a knee-slapper, and told Talbott so.

Hopefully next, Talbot won't give her a pot and just write "pot" on it.

Up Your Nose With Some Learning Material

Not sure how we missed this at the time, but it has come to my attention that one of the "two hardworking police officers" who made the "honest mistake" of leaving a packet of cocaine from a training kit in a Naples, florida Best Western last year wasLinda Lines.

I realize that profiling is considered by many to be unfair, but were I in charge I think I'd be asking a certain officer a few tough questions right about now.

Supper Soaker

Wow, police and jail officials don't just have to worry about warding off well-used and bloody female sanitary napkins. Now breast milk has been used as a weapon.

Toni Tramel was arrested for public intoxication. As she was changing into a prison uniform, she decided to squirt breast milk in the face of the deputy guarding her. Now she's charged with third degree assault on a police officer.

I know anything coming from inside someone would be considered a biohazard, it's just funny hearing it described as such.

The Smallest Robbery Payoff Ever

An armed woman came into a store and demanded money from 11 people, but all she managed to get was $6. Six bucks? Seriously?

I would have loved to see that robbery going down. "Give me all your money! You only have a penny? Then you! You have to have more than 1 dollar. Nooo!"

I guess it's true. Nobody has any money. And when it's all over, she'll definitely have to pay a lot more than $6 for a lawyer.

Just Call Him Sir Smoke-A-Lot

There isn't much to this story, a dude serves his sentence for dealing pot and then immediately smokes pot on his way home in the car. Yeah that's dumb, but whatever. But what caught my attention was his name. Sir James Smith. Sir? Can anybody just slap a "Sir" on their name?

Well, Sir James Smith is back in prison, and the baby that was also in the car when he was smoking is in the care of Child Protective Services. Way to go.

Bank Want A Lawsuit?

What a horrible thing to come home to. You walk up to your house and find the locks have been changed, there's a padlock on the door and a note telling you to contact Bank of America because you've been foreclosed on. But you've been making all the payments and you never got a note in the mail about this. You also find out that your house has been damaged, your electrical and water lines are cut, antifreeze has been poured down your pipes, your things are scattered and your pet parrot is gone. When you contact Bank of America, you get told that they're sick and tired of hearing from you and to not call back. But they might know where your bird is. When they finally tell you, they say you have to go get it. They eventually go "oops, we got the wrong house," but only when you retain an attorney do they offer to maybe fix the damage they did to your house. That's exactly what happened to Angela M. Iannelli. She's suing. I hope she wins.

Man, Bank of America just keeps doing prickish things. I know all the banks are assholes sometimes, but Bank of America are the same assholes who tried to get a thumb-print from a dude with no arms.

I hope her lawyer is good. I'm sure she'll need a good one, she's going up against a bank.

The Need To Do A Good Deed

Remember what I said about pay it forward? Well, who knew I would be in possession of a pay it forward bracelet? And now that I have one, why has it become so hard to do a good deed for someone?

Let me back up a bit. Steve's computer decided the other day that na, it just didn't wanna turn on anymore. Power button shmower button. Poor Steve was not around to start setting the poor beast right again, or finding someone who would, so I called a guy who has saved me countless times in the past. He has been my angel in all things computer. He has revived Steve's old computer after the event we refer to as the great crash of 2004, he made it so Steve had internet when he moved to that little apartment back years ago, he has put ram in my computer, he saved my computer when one day it made horrible sounds and spat smoke from the back. Hell, he even saved the shoe thief's computer! Whenever really bad things happen to a computer of someone close to me, I call him.

The man will not take payment. I think the most I've been able to give the fellow is a slide-scanner that I wasn't going to use. We've given him a beer or two, but that's about it. The only time we gave him money was when he got Steve a new hard drive. He's just awesome.

So, when Steve's computer ceased to turn on, I emailed him, um, asking for, um, a little help. Sure enough, boing! There he was saying he could come get it the next day.

He came and scooped up Steve's computer and took it back to his office. I asked him what I would owe him, and he said "a good turn to someone else. Here. Give this to someone after you do a good turn for them and then they can do a good turn for someone else."

So now I have a bracelet that feels like one of those "Live Strong" bracelets. It's so big that I've almost lost it a couple of times. But I swear the only way I will no longer have it anymore is after I've done something for someone.

But here's the problem. For the last few days, I haven't been able to do something nice for someone. The closest I came was I paid for dinner when Huppy's mom and I went out for dinner, but I felt that was only paying her back for helping me walk all over the wild blue yonder in search of a battery for my cordless phone. So that didn't count.

And then there's the magnitude of the "good turn". He revived a dead computer, and for nothing! I can't say I've paid it forward by holding a door for someone or something. What I would consider equal would have to be pretty monumental. I'd have to rescue someone's kitten or help someone out who's in pretty huge distress to do something equal to what he did for Steve.

And here's the even funnier part. Over the past couple days, I've needed help with a few things. Just today, someone had to help me carry things because I had too many and was having huge trouble managing all the stuff and the Trixter. All I could think is "Wow, there's another nice thing done for me. I'm even deeper in debt." Don't get me wrong, I appreciate them all, but I really notice them when consciously looking for a chance to help somebody else.

And, even if I did do something pretty huge, I have a real problem handing the bracelet to them. I mean, I'd feel pretty cheap. They don't know that I'm paying back a debt from someone else. Plus, I probably would have done it anyway if I could at all.

I hope I find a way to at least in my mind make up for this guy bailing me out of computer hell once again. It's official, he has succeeded. Steve's computer is back where it belongs and, as far as I can tell, is functioning like it always did.

She's Cut Off For Sure Now

We've talked about people driving while texting, watching porn, eating cereal, and even shaving their face, but driving while shaving the bikini area is a new one.

Megan Mariah Barnes wasn't totally driving. Her ex-husband, Charles Judy, was using the wheel from the passenger's seat while she shaved there.

What makes this extra good is the day before, a judge revoked her driving privileges for five years and told her to go impound her car, and after the five years was up, she was supposed to have one of those ignition interlock thingies on whatever car she owns.

...which begs the question. If they didn't trust her to drive sober, how could they trust her to go impound the car herself? And how many times do people actually follow those orders? "No, judge. I won't drink and drive again...glug glug glug glug." "Sure, judge, I'll go drive my car down to the impound...vroom vroom vroom vroom." It's the same thing.

And if she didn't want to drive, why didn't she just get in the back and let her ex drive? I mean, he was doing the steering anyway, and she had no problem jumping in the back and getting the dude to get in the driver's seat after they crashed. Too bad the dude's chest got burned from the passenger's side airbag deploying, and the driver's side airbag didn't move. Busted.

And my final question is why isn't Judy getting charged with anything? Wouldn't he be obstructing justice by pretending he was driving when he wasn't, and shouldn't he be charged with something for steering her car from the passenger's seat?

Just imagine what could have happened if her razor had slipped.

She Got The Shaft Alright

Here comes more UK ridiculousness. A group of Scottish firefighters were sent to the aid of Alison Hume, a woman who fell down a mine shaft. They had all the equipment they needed to pull her out, but a safety memmo said they could only use it to save their own men. So, she waited for six hours for a mountain rescue team and consequently died.

What kind of safety memmo is that? If they're all trained to use the stuff, why can't they use it on anyone? What a senseless loss.

You Win...A Trip In A Police Car

Here's a little tip. When you steal scratch tickets from a store, if you happen to steal a winner, don't go back to the same store you stole from to claim your prize, ok? This is too late for Allen Nguyen, but maybe it'll help someone else.

The Winner Is...A Loser

An unnamed fellow on a RyanAir flight from Poland to the UK must be feeling like a pretty big loser right about now. He had a scratch ticket with him, scratched it off, and discovered he had won 10000 euros! But when the cabin crew said they couldn't give him the dough right this instant, he ate his winning ticket. People tried to stop him, but he stood up and chomped down on his scratchcard.

First of all, and most importantly, why in hell would anyone do such a thing? I mean, they try to tell you that he did it out of anger and frustration. But...eating your winning ticket? I just don't get it. Smacking some part of the plane, kicking something, maybe getting loud and obnoxious, all of those things I can understand doing out of anger and frustration. But...eating your ticket after you know you've won? Why?

And who issued the ticket? Was it actually issued by RyanAir? If it was, that's funky that an airline gives out lottery tickets. If it wasn't, then how did he expect a random flight crew to pay him 10000 euros?

Either way, he's not getting anything now. He's eaten the evidence.

Did You See That? He's Hung Like A Hung!

This here is nothing more than your run of the mill jogger has flashed perhaps hundreds of women and young girls over a few month period story,accept that the guy's name is Hung "Mike" Thanh Vo.

No, the article doesn't tell us whether he is or not.

Do The Shakespearean Hokey Pokey

This might just be catchier than the original.

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

I'll Drink To This

So what if it's early!Bowling for Soup - Hooray For Beer.

If, like me, you feel you must own this song ASAP, it can be found on the band's latest album "Sorry for Partyin'".

What I'd like to know is why this is not a single. It's got hit written all over it.

More Sick Parents

This is just sick. I saw this yesterday and couldn't find the words. I'm not sure I've found them yet, but I'll try.

Sandra and James Davis bought a used Dodge Caravan, but worked out a disturbing deal with the manager of the used car lot. Instead of paying him, they would make their 14-year-old daughter have sex with him. I guess this had been going on for months, and finally everything started unravelling. They had done similar things in the past to pay off drug debts and stuff.

It's so horrible that she lived with this for 14 years. There's no mention of any other kids, let's hope there weren't any more.

And yes, I did notice that it was a Dodge Caravan and they lived in Dodge County.

You Don't Need A Napkin, What You Need Is More Sauce

If ever you have occasion to eat kebabs in Germany, do not wipe your food covered hands anywhere on the seller's stand even though he won't let you have any napkins. Doing so may be grounds for receivinga ladle full of hot sauce to the eyes.

Police in the city of Bremen have taken a sample of the sauce in question and are now trying to decide which charges to file.

"Legally, the question of whether the spiciness of the kebab sauce constituted 'normal' or grievous bodily harm must be addressed," police said in one of those sentences that sounds funnier than it actually is.

They went on to say that they are also investigating why in hell a dispute over napkins started in the first place and that when all is said and done, both men could end up charged.

Government Listens To People, People Nearly Die Of Shock

That didn't take long.National anthem won't change: PMO

"We offered to hear from Canadians on this issue and they have already spoken loud and clear. They overwhelmingly do not want to open the issue," said Dimitri Soudas, a spokesman for the Prime Minister's Office. "The government will not proceed any further to change our national anthem."

The people spoke and the government acted quickly on what it was told. I think that may be a political first. It's too bad that something like this A. doesn't happen more routinely and B. doesn't happen more routinely when the issue is actually one that needs looking at.

Now since we're kind of on a wee bit of a role, how's about letting us have a gander at thoseunedited Afghan detainee documentsthat everybody wants to see, or is that too real an issue?

A Good Concert And Some Good Beer...But Only A Few, It's Policy

Something happened to me the other day that has never happened to me before. I got cut off at a bar. Actually it was a bar/restaurant, the Brantford Moose Winooski's to be specific.

My brother and I had just gotten done seeing the Irish Rovers at the Sanderson Centre on Tuesday afternoon and decided to go for some dinner. The Moose was close and I hadn't been to one in a long time, so we went there. By the way, if you're like me and love hot wings, try the suicide, they're good. The waitress (yes the same one that cut me off later) thought I was insane for eating them and tried to talk me out of it, but I wasn't having that. You don't come between a man and his suicide wings even if you do have that man's best interests at heart.

Anyway, back to the story.

We're eating, chatting and having a few drinks over the course of a couple of hours when I decide I'd like another beer. I ask for one, but I'm told that I can't have one because policy says they aren't allowed to serve more than about 4 drinks to a person. She actually said it was law, but I think it's policy because even though she said that they've been doing it for quite a while there I've never run into this problem before, and I've been in enough different places in enough different towns that I think I would have come across it by now. The only way it's law is if it's a local one, because I don't get to brantford much anymore which would explain my not seeing it. She seemed genuinely shocked when I told her that, and also genuinely thankful that I wasn't angry. I guess a lot of people don't much care for this idea which really isn't all that surprising, unfortunately. People can be real idiots where booze is concerned, which is why we have to have policies and laws like this in the first place. We aren't mature enough to have nice things. she went on to tell me that they have to stick to this policy no matter what, even if the person they're cutting off isn't at all drunk (which I wasn't) and even if that person isn't driving (obviously I wasn't doing that either) and is just walking down the block. I guess she's had fights with managers over cases like mine but they won't budge.

So there's a warning to you. Not a warning to stay away from Moose Winooski's because I'd happily go back there, but a warning to be prepared to perhaps get cut off long before you're finished. And if you do, for Christ's sake don't yell at the poor servers. They aren't trying to kill your buzz or ruin your fun, they're just doing what they're told and probably think it's about as lame as you do.

Switching gears, I mentioned seeing the Irish Rovers. Yes, I actually got to go to a concert that I bought tickets to as a gift for somebody without it being cancelled!

My short review is go if you get the chance, it was so much fun! They didn't play a single bad song all day, and it was hard not to get up and dance at times...and I hate dancing! I had no idea that they were still recording new music, but they played a few songs from their new album Gracehill fair that were quite enjoyable. Probably gonna have to buy that one. They were also quite funny, interacting with the audience and telling all kinds of jokes and stories. "I kid, I kid. My wife is an angel. Yeah, she flies up in the air and harps all day." Definitely well worth the money and I want to go back again, now if possible. I can't think of any other way to end this, sohere's a little taste of what you're missing if you've never seen them.

I'm going for lunch now. I'll talk to you all later.

I Drink Alone. Yeah, With Nobody Else. And You Know When I Drink Alone, I Prefer That My Van Be Ablaze

Here's a bit of free legal advice.

If the police haul you in on suspicion of driving under the influence, it is generally a good idea to hire a lawyer and fight as best you can. However, if the vehicle you were cruising around in when the police hauled you in on suspicion of driving under the influence wason fire at the time and this did not appear to bother you,you might as well just give up, because you're guilty until proven completely nuts.

Southwest Regional Police reported they and the Belle Vernon Volunteer Fire Department were called to the 100 block of Main Street at 12:40 a.m. for a vehicle fire. En route, firefighters Joel Davis and Brent Cratty spotted the 1993 Ford Econoline being driven on Main Street while ablaze.

Police said Davis was able to get the driver's attention near the Interstate 70 ramp.

While firefighters extinguished the fire, police officers questioned and subsequently arrested Carl Franklin Miller Jr., 47, of 542 Highland Ave. on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Miller, who for the sake of name related comedy it should be noted lives in the town of North Charleroi, was taken to hospital to be treated for injuries he suffered during the ordeal, but I guess wasn't badly hurt as he was treated and released.

I'm Hit With A Burrito, Covered In Refried Beans

When a story involvessome idiot doing something dangerous and stupid and calling it a prank *and* a person covered with food,you know we're posting it.

According to a police report, John Addie was driving his Honda when he noticed someone lean out of an approaching white Dodge and throw something. The next thing Addie knew his front windshield was cracked and he was covered in refried beans.

Addie followed the Dodge and called deputies. Deputy Scott Lamia wrote in his report the victim's "vehicle, which was clean and in excellent condition, had a chip in the windshield where the hard object struck it. I observed the contents of a burrito to be on John’s person and his driver’s seat.

A portion of the burrito was on the window frame, on the exterior of his vehicle. I also observed the remainder of the burrito to be at the base of the driver’s seat. It should be noted that John suffered no injury as a result of being struck by the burrito."

The report goes on to say that the teen suspect confessed, "he admitted that as a prank he did in fact throw a burrito at John’s vehicle and denied throwing any other object at the vehicle."

The Muzak Is Driving Them Crazy

Wow. This is proof that a lot of people hate muzak as much as we do. Customers and office workers alike at Oregon's DMV offices have complained about the muzak, and have been begging them to turn it off. Because the budget is tight, the administration has agreed to do it, at least at 13 of its Oregon offices. How funny is that.

Incidentally, our muzak is still on in the lobby. I wonder if we could convince them to do the same?

Judge Says "Take It Down, No Joke."

This frightens me. I would have an even clearer idea of how much it frightens me if the article was still up for people to see, but it still frightens me considering how many times I have screamed "It's a joke! J o k e!" over the past couple of years.

There is a satirical blog-like site called Hammond Action News, and if you can't figure out this is satire, you need your head examined. Apparently they put up a story claiming that there was a giraffe attack at the Global wildlife Sanctuary, and people fell for it, hook, line and sinker. They fell for it so bad that the sanctuary went to court against the guy who runs Hammond Action News demanding that he take the story down, and won. Yep, a judge agreed and made the order. Somehow, they persuaded the judge that people could be led to believe this was a real news site. Really? Only the kind of people who think the Onion is news would think this was actual news. I mean come on. Parents chaperoning a police ball? New census questions for the area asking how far you would drive for wine on a Sunday? Come the hell on.

The only place I agree is he took a picture that was copyrighted. Maybe he should have taken the photo down, but that's about it.

The reason this frightens me is the number of people who can't recognize satire is going up at an alarming rate. How many people will get sued for defamation when all they did was write satire?

I feel sorry for the poor Hammond Action News dude. He's not getting any money from the site, he just wrote it for fun. Now he's in court because some people can't tell satire from reality.

Oh Baby! No, Not That Baby...

There's never a good time to fondle a woman who doesn't want to be fondled, but there are especially bad times to try. For instance, when the woman in question isa nurse in the midst of helping to deliver your baby,the time is no good at all. If you don't want to take my word for it, perhaps you'll trust Adam J Manning, 30, who was recently arrested for doing that very thing and wound up missing the big event as a result.

According to police, Manning first looked the unnamed nurse up and down and made a comment on her appearance while she was assisting the woman he had brought in for help. She ignored him, but he was not to be denied. As the woman sat in a wheelchair waiting to be taken to the delivery room, Manning told the nurse that it looked like something was the matter with her neck, then tried to rub it before reaching out and grabbing himself a nice big handful of booby. The nurse pushed him away and then moved to the other side of the chair. She then reported the incident to police who took Manning into custody on suspicion of felony forcible sexual abuse.

It wasn't clear if the woman having his baby was his wife or a girlfriend, but if she's got any sense she's neither now.