Sunday, March 27, 2005
People Are Cute Part 2
Well I couldn't think of anything better, so there it is. I really don't know why I'm writing about this, so hopefully I'll write myself a point eventually. I didn't do much for Easter, basically because my parents were just down a couple weeks ago to see my brother and I since we're somewhat close to each other, so they didn't feel like making the big 6 or so hour drive down again, which is completely understandable.
So I'm sitting here, reading for school for my last paper of my degree, and I hear at my door, "knock knock knock." So I go to answer it, and it's my neighbour. He's just been awesome, you couldn't ask for a better neighbour. He even shovels a little path when it snows.
Anyway, here he stands at my door with a package of goodies for me, wishing me a happy Easter! I felt like such a shmuck because I didn't have anything for him. It was all wrapped up cute and there's a bunny and some hot crossed buns. And here I thought I'd have no Easter treats because I felt like a loser buying them for myself.
And now everyone stares at me as if to say, "and your point is...?" I guess unexpected surprises are cool, provided they aren't the bad kind of course. I just thought that was the cutest thing ever.
So I'm sitting here, reading for school for my last paper of my degree, and I hear at my door, "knock knock knock." So I go to answer it, and it's my neighbour. He's just been awesome, you couldn't ask for a better neighbour. He even shovels a little path when it snows.
Anyway, here he stands at my door with a package of goodies for me, wishing me a happy Easter! I felt like such a shmuck because I didn't have anything for him. It was all wrapped up cute and there's a bunny and some hot crossed buns. And here I thought I'd have no Easter treats because I felt like a loser buying them for myself.
And now everyone stares at me as if to say, "and your point is...?" I guess unexpected surprises are cool, provided they aren't the bad kind of course. I just thought that was the cutest thing ever.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
British Crime Sounds So Cute
This story about a naked guy running off another naked guy who is trying to rob his home is kind of funny to start with, but when you
read this version of events as written in the King's English,
that sense of funny is taken to cartoonish levels. I swear, some of these reporters could make a murder sound gay.
read this version of events as written in the King's English,
that sense of funny is taken to cartoonish levels. I swear, some of these reporters could make a murder sound gay.
Goodbye Free Speech, Hello Government Controlled Education
Florida Republicans are trying to get a bill through the State's House of Representatives that would allow students to file suit against university professors who they feel aren't respecting or giving fair representation to their chosen religious beliefs, and even more frightening than that, their beliefs in general.
Dennis Baxley, the bill's sponsor, says that the legislation, which is ironically titled The Academic Freedom Bill of Rights, is required because a university education should be more than “one biased view by the professor, who as a dictator controls the
classroom.”
I'm all for balance and fairness, but what's being proposed here goes way too far. What ever happened to the concept of listening to what somebody is saying, processing it with your own brain power, and then using what you've heard and what you already know to formulate your own opinions on the subject and on the world as a whole? The idea that all sides of an issue need to be validated as right headed even when one side has been undoubtedly proven wrong is insane.
And let's not even start on why, in a day and age where universities claim to be woefully underfunded and students claim to be broke, the State would think it wise to place more of a cost burden on either side over something as ordinary and vital as an academic personal opinion or more than that, a proven fact. What Baxley and his fellow party members are forgetting is that facts are legal and in most cases, so are opinions. I'd like to think that something like this, if it were to pass, would have 0 chance of surviving a constitutional challenge.
And while we're on the subject of Republicans forgetting things, when did it slip their minds that one of their most dearly held principles is that government shouldn't be involved in every aspect of the lives of the people? First The patriot Act, then Terri Schiavo, and now the education of future generations. I know I've probably missed quite a few along the way but my point is where does it end? I think Michael Moore was right when he wrote that the Republicans and Democrats should merge into 1 big party since it's hard to tell one from the other anymore.
You can read the article that started all of this by clicking
here.
Dennis Baxley, the bill's sponsor, says that the legislation, which is ironically titled The Academic Freedom Bill of Rights, is required because a university education should be more than “one biased view by the professor, who as a dictator controls the
classroom.”
I'm all for balance and fairness, but what's being proposed here goes way too far. What ever happened to the concept of listening to what somebody is saying, processing it with your own brain power, and then using what you've heard and what you already know to formulate your own opinions on the subject and on the world as a whole? The idea that all sides of an issue need to be validated as right headed even when one side has been undoubtedly proven wrong is insane.
And let's not even start on why, in a day and age where universities claim to be woefully underfunded and students claim to be broke, the State would think it wise to place more of a cost burden on either side over something as ordinary and vital as an academic personal opinion or more than that, a proven fact. What Baxley and his fellow party members are forgetting is that facts are legal and in most cases, so are opinions. I'd like to think that something like this, if it were to pass, would have 0 chance of surviving a constitutional challenge.
And while we're on the subject of Republicans forgetting things, when did it slip their minds that one of their most dearly held principles is that government shouldn't be involved in every aspect of the lives of the people? First The patriot Act, then Terri Schiavo, and now the education of future generations. I know I've probably missed quite a few along the way but my point is where does it end? I think Michael Moore was right when he wrote that the Republicans and Democrats should merge into 1 big party since it's hard to tell one from the other anymore.
You can read the article that started all of this by clicking
here.
Something's Wrong with this Picture
I was lying in bed last night and I had the TV on, and I heard something that kinda freaked me out. An oil of ole commercial came on, and that seemed ordinary enough, until I heard what they were selling. I think everybody knows what Oil of Ole is, right? They make stuff to put on your skin to make it look nicer. But this commercial was talking about how they are now making vitamins! Ya know? Pills? Something to take to give you antioxidents to give you younger-looking skin.
Does this scare anyone else? Should a company that makes creams for the face be making drugs? I know it's just vitamins, but vitamins are still drugs! You're still taking it and who knows what's in it? I don't know. I just find it kinda creepy that people who don't specialize in drugs are making them now. Next we'll have toothpaste companies making vitamins to give us stronger teeth, shampoo companies making vitamins to give us shinier hair, who knows? Stick to what you know, thank you very much!
Does this scare anyone else? Should a company that makes creams for the face be making drugs? I know it's just vitamins, but vitamins are still drugs! You're still taking it and who knows what's in it? I don't know. I just find it kinda creepy that people who don't specialize in drugs are making them now. Next we'll have toothpaste companies making vitamins to give us stronger teeth, shampoo companies making vitamins to give us shinier hair, who knows? Stick to what you know, thank you very much!
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Look at Me, I have a Cell Phone!
What is it with some people and cell phones? Some people have cell phones, but they're there for emergencies, or they use them, but they're discrete about it. With some people, it's hillarious to watch them when their cell phone rings. they just don't know how to answer the thing it rings so rarely. Hell half the time you have to tell them, "dude, that's yours."
But then there are the other people, the ones that give the cell phone it's bad name. It's like they think that because they carry a phone that they are somehow more important. First there are the loud talkers. It's like they have to announce to everyone that they're going to meet Joe and Bob downtown, and yes they're on the bus right now. Come on, you don't need to yell, there is a mic in the mouthpiece.
Then there are the ones that are always available. They leave the bloody cell phone on even when they're in class and can't answer it if they wanted to. Then, after it rings once, they don't have the intelligence to, ya know, turn it off. It's one thing to forget it's on and then it rings. oh crap. But at that point, turn it off and save yourself the humiliation and us the irritation of hearing your cell phone incessantly singing. If your cell phone is your only phone, then get voice mail and turn it off in class. And aren't these always the ones with elaborate ringtones? So you're sitting in class, and from behind you, some work of Mozart is being played in all its synthesized cell phone glory. Come on, it's a ringtone. Wouldn't, ring ring be enough? I can't believe what is being turned into ringtones now. Somebody's cell phone clucks llike a chicken when it rings.
And now, we have cell phones that speak the time. Stellar. What's not so stellor is its use in the middle of a speech. Seriously, I was sitting at a table with a guy who thought he was the king of Spain or something, and he would always check the time on his cell phone and it would speak it out in a loud tinny voice, right in the middle of someone's speech. And he wasn't even blind! Come on, use that big round thing with hands and a face called a clock? Ya know? Or, they have real neat miniaturized ones you can wear on your wrist, they're called a watch! What a concept! Or, at least have the decency tomuffle the voice!
And here's a kicker. Yesterday I was sitting in class, and the prof's cell phone went off. And he answered it! And then he asked us all to say hi to his wife! Then it rang again, and he answered that one to! Like come on, turn it off when you teach! Is something so life and death happening that you have to have it on and answer every call? If there was, I'd understand, but he just had a relaxed exchange with his wife and then told her when he wasn't teaching anymore.
What is with this phenomenon of needing to be constantly connected wherever people go? Does it make them feel better? Needed? Incredibly invaluable? I wish I had half the importance these people glued to their cell phones imagine they have. Even at half, I'd be pretty special.
But then there are the other people, the ones that give the cell phone it's bad name. It's like they think that because they carry a phone that they are somehow more important. First there are the loud talkers. It's like they have to announce to everyone that they're going to meet Joe and Bob downtown, and yes they're on the bus right now. Come on, you don't need to yell, there is a mic in the mouthpiece.
Then there are the ones that are always available. They leave the bloody cell phone on even when they're in class and can't answer it if they wanted to. Then, after it rings once, they don't have the intelligence to, ya know, turn it off. It's one thing to forget it's on and then it rings. oh crap. But at that point, turn it off and save yourself the humiliation and us the irritation of hearing your cell phone incessantly singing. If your cell phone is your only phone, then get voice mail and turn it off in class. And aren't these always the ones with elaborate ringtones? So you're sitting in class, and from behind you, some work of Mozart is being played in all its synthesized cell phone glory. Come on, it's a ringtone. Wouldn't, ring ring be enough? I can't believe what is being turned into ringtones now. Somebody's cell phone clucks llike a chicken when it rings.
And now, we have cell phones that speak the time. Stellar. What's not so stellor is its use in the middle of a speech. Seriously, I was sitting at a table with a guy who thought he was the king of Spain or something, and he would always check the time on his cell phone and it would speak it out in a loud tinny voice, right in the middle of someone's speech. And he wasn't even blind! Come on, use that big round thing with hands and a face called a clock? Ya know? Or, they have real neat miniaturized ones you can wear on your wrist, they're called a watch! What a concept! Or, at least have the decency tomuffle the voice!
And here's a kicker. Yesterday I was sitting in class, and the prof's cell phone went off. And he answered it! And then he asked us all to say hi to his wife! Then it rang again, and he answered that one to! Like come on, turn it off when you teach! Is something so life and death happening that you have to have it on and answer every call? If there was, I'd understand, but he just had a relaxed exchange with his wife and then told her when he wasn't teaching anymore.
What is with this phenomenon of needing to be constantly connected wherever people go? Does it make them feel better? Needed? Incredibly invaluable? I wish I had half the importance these people glued to their cell phones imagine they have. Even at half, I'd be pretty special.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Just When I Think I've Seen It All...
Today there was a gas leak in the building where my radio station is. Naturally we all had to be evacuated, thank God it was a nice day, that's all I really have to say about that. I mean there's no convenient time to almost blow up, but if you have to explode, it's probably better to go out with a nice sunny day as your last memory rather than getting snowed on, freezing your ass off [at least until the inferno gets you,] or getting rained on. But whatever, that's not really the point.
The gas leak in itself wasn't really all that eventful. It happened, we all got the hell out of the building, and then we were eventually let back in once somebody decided that it was safe. And there's where the fun began.
I headed back inside about 5 or 10 minutes after they gave the all clear. The first thing I noticed was that the person in charge of clearing the building must either be stupid, have no sense of smell, or both because there was still a pretty strong odour even before I got back in. But at the same time as I noticed that and questioned the wisdom of heading back inside, I noticed another smell. Cigarettes. Yes, I said cigarettes. There was honestly somebody standing right in front of the building, the one that we had all ran out of in a frenzy not an hour earlier due to a leaking flammable substance that could blow us all sky highat a moment's notice, having a smoke. I hope I don't have to explain why that's not a good idea.
All the way home I could only think one thought. It must be people like this that they write the warning labels for. But the more I think about it, that can't possibly be, because in order for that to be the case you would have to rely on these people to have sense and smarts enough to take the time to read something and even if they did, they're still faced with the daunting task of figuring out what it all means.
I have no good ending for this so I'm just going to go make lunch now.
The gas leak in itself wasn't really all that eventful. It happened, we all got the hell out of the building, and then we were eventually let back in once somebody decided that it was safe. And there's where the fun began.
I headed back inside about 5 or 10 minutes after they gave the all clear. The first thing I noticed was that the person in charge of clearing the building must either be stupid, have no sense of smell, or both because there was still a pretty strong odour even before I got back in. But at the same time as I noticed that and questioned the wisdom of heading back inside, I noticed another smell. Cigarettes. Yes, I said cigarettes. There was honestly somebody standing right in front of the building, the one that we had all ran out of in a frenzy not an hour earlier due to a leaking flammable substance that could blow us all sky highat a moment's notice, having a smoke. I hope I don't have to explain why that's not a good idea.
All the way home I could only think one thought. It must be people like this that they write the warning labels for. But the more I think about it, that can't possibly be, because in order for that to be the case you would have to rely on these people to have sense and smarts enough to take the time to read something and even if they did, they're still faced with the daunting task of figuring out what it all means.
I have no good ending for this so I'm just going to go make lunch now.
Someone Will Buy This
I'm not making this up, I swear. This is an actual advertisement for an actual product that actual people will actually buy.
Sometimes I wish I worked in the marketing industry just so I could sit in on the meetings and get a look at the ideas they reject, since this is the kind of stuff they approve.
Practice Your Putting on the Potty
Introducing the Tee-Time Bathroom Golf Set
As any true golfer will tell you, you can never spend too much time practicing your golf game. And with the Tee-Time Bathroom golf set, you can utilize every minute spent in the can to practice your putting skills.
Just unroll the portable green and putt away. And it makes a great gift for that golfer in your life that already has everything. Order yours today for $19.99.
The toilet time golf game lets you practice your putting while going to the bathroom. Sure it sounds funny, but for the golfer that just can't get enough of the game, it's the perfect gift item.Set includes:
*Portable Putting Mat
*2 Golf Balls
*Putter
*Cup with Flag
*Occupied Sign
Part of me hopes this is some kind of a joke that they forgot to mention in the ad, but part of me wants to meet the guy who sees this thing in the store and goes "hey, that's a good idea!" Then again, that part of me would probably regret having to have a conversation with that person so maybe I should retract that statement.
Sometimes I wish I worked in the marketing industry just so I could sit in on the meetings and get a look at the ideas they reject, since this is the kind of stuff they approve.
Practice Your Putting on the Potty
Introducing the Tee-Time Bathroom Golf Set
As any true golfer will tell you, you can never spend too much time practicing your golf game. And with the Tee-Time Bathroom golf set, you can utilize every minute spent in the can to practice your putting skills.
Just unroll the portable green and putt away. And it makes a great gift for that golfer in your life that already has everything. Order yours today for $19.99.
The toilet time golf game lets you practice your putting while going to the bathroom. Sure it sounds funny, but for the golfer that just can't get enough of the game, it's the perfect gift item.Set includes:
*Portable Putting Mat
*2 Golf Balls
*Putter
*Cup with Flag
*Occupied Sign
Part of me hopes this is some kind of a joke that they forgot to mention in the ad, but part of me wants to meet the guy who sees this thing in the store and goes "hey, that's a good idea!" Then again, that part of me would probably regret having to have a conversation with that person so maybe I should retract that statement.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Real Band Names
Here is a list of supposedly real band names. I can't speak for all of them but I've heard of a few so since I'm too lazy to do research, I'll just assume that the rest are too. But even if they aren't, some of them are pretty funny and need to be used as soon as possible.
Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:
[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken
[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara's Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet
[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady's Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death
[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns
[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman
[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d'Amour
[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan
[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler's Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie's Mouse
[ i ]
· Inhale Mary
[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah's Waitresses
· Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch
[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan's Knees
[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God
[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl's Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving
[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration
[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan's Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock
[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We're Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler
[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow's Head
[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela
[ y ]
· Yoko Homo
[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress
Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:
[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken
[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara's Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet
[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady's Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death
[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns
[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman
[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d'Amour
[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan
[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler's Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie's Mouse
[ i ]
· Inhale Mary
[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah's Waitresses
· Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch
[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan's Knees
[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God
[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl's Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving
[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration
[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan's Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock
[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We're Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler
[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow's Head
[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela
[ y ]
· Yoko Homo
[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress
Do I scare you?
And now, let's make a complete U-turn. As I look at all these bitching posts, I have to wonder, what do you guys think of me? Not that my life depends on what others think of me, but sometimes I get curious.
And...there's another reason. I've had a history of being called less than flattering things. I've been called a force of nature, a bitch, just plain scary, and people would just make references to how I seemed angry all the time. At first, I shrugged it off as a few people who didn't know me well, or there was a reason I was a bitch to them and it was just in that context. A small part of me was proud that I could strike fear into people. "Little me? Scary? Way cool! I must harness this power."
But then, people who didn't know me well at all, and would have a couple chance meetings with me, or people I had no intention of scaring, started making comments, and then I got worried. I don't want to scare people. I don't want to be intimidating. I want people to know that they can't walk all over me, but I don't want to be this horrible monstrous person that people run away from in fear. Of course I can't ask people who I know are a little freaked at me why they feel this way, because they immediately reply, "No, you're not scary." Somehow they think this will make me feel better. But I know it's not true, because they'll also apologize at the drop of a hat when they think they've offended me.
So, do I scare you guys? Be honest, I wanna know. Really, I won't bite your head off.
And...there's another reason. I've had a history of being called less than flattering things. I've been called a force of nature, a bitch, just plain scary, and people would just make references to how I seemed angry all the time. At first, I shrugged it off as a few people who didn't know me well, or there was a reason I was a bitch to them and it was just in that context. A small part of me was proud that I could strike fear into people. "Little me? Scary? Way cool! I must harness this power."
But then, people who didn't know me well at all, and would have a couple chance meetings with me, or people I had no intention of scaring, started making comments, and then I got worried. I don't want to scare people. I don't want to be intimidating. I want people to know that they can't walk all over me, but I don't want to be this horrible monstrous person that people run away from in fear. Of course I can't ask people who I know are a little freaked at me why they feel this way, because they immediately reply, "No, you're not scary." Somehow they think this will make me feel better. But I know it's not true, because they'll also apologize at the drop of a hat when they think they've offended me.
So, do I scare you guys? Be honest, I wanna know. Really, I won't bite your head off.
Selling Out to the Man
What is it with people? As soon as they think about opening a business and there might be profit involved, they undergo a metamorphosis. They go from normal human beings with principles to greedy whores. I know money talks, but does it have to become a ventriloquist and turn you into the dummy? Someone I know just showed me how driven he is by money. He's thinking of starting an internet radio station. Cool. And he needs to find a way to pay for it. cool. And he's going to pay for it by using one of the more obnoxious forms of advertising. Not! Cool! It's like he's forgotten what it's like to surf the net and stumble onto one of the sites using what he wants to use. Actually the worst part is he *hasn't* forgotten. He just doesn't give a flying fuck. All that matters to him is forcing people to trigger the ads so he'll get paid.
And the worst part about this is the ads he's using aren't just annoying, for us blinks, they can sometimes make a site unnavigable. Let me explain. Some ads, so that you see new ads every so often, will make the page reload at intervals. And what does that do to our screen-readers, boys and girls? It makes them pop to the top of the page too. So you'll be reading a nice story about something..and bang! You have to start again. If this happens often enough, forget being able to read the story, because for us, you can't just scroll down. You have to search for where you were. This cuts down the time you have to finish reading the story before the next click..trip back to the top.
Wait, that's not the worst part. The worst part is *he's* blind. So not only is he using annoying ads, he's using annoying ads that screw up reading of the site for other blind people. And he's doing this because...he just wants to maximize his revenue! On top of that, if he went to one of his favourite sites and they chose to put those ads up, I'd bet dollars to doughnuts he'd be the first to email them and tell them the site was unnavigable and that they're screwing themselves out of the blind market. And ya know what that site's webmaster would probably do? Laugh at him and tell him the blind market was small. And he'd get pissed. And I'd tell him to suck it up, because that's the exact message he's sending us by plastering refreshing crap ads all over his own site. We don't matter, and all that matters is him getting the most money possible.
I understand that some people don't know any better when they implement these ads. Maybe they're not really that annoying to sighted people, although I can imagine they must be. They just look at the ad program and go, "Easy to put up, will do it on its own, cool! We'll get paid." It's when people do know better, and because they're motivated by their back pocket, they do it anyway that I get pissed off. I also understand that running an internet radio station isn't cheap. But if you're so broke that you have to depend on these ad programs at the expense of your principles, perhaps now's not the time to run your station. I have nothing against ads by themselves. If he just used a banner or two and it didn't turn the site into a nightmare, go right ahead. The man's gotta get paid. I'd even click on the banner. But once you start forcing me to see new ads, so much so that I can't get around the site or it's a pain in the ass somehow, I don't like being forced. I just won't come back to the site. there are other places where I can get my music.
So, if I ever turn greedy and money-grubbing, somebody shake me before the metamorphosis is complete!
And the worst part about this is the ads he's using aren't just annoying, for us blinks, they can sometimes make a site unnavigable. Let me explain. Some ads, so that you see new ads every so often, will make the page reload at intervals. And what does that do to our screen-readers, boys and girls? It makes them pop to the top of the page too. So you'll be reading a nice story about something..and bang! You have to start again. If this happens often enough, forget being able to read the story, because for us, you can't just scroll down. You have to search for where you were. This cuts down the time you have to finish reading the story before the next click..trip back to the top.
Wait, that's not the worst part. The worst part is *he's* blind. So not only is he using annoying ads, he's using annoying ads that screw up reading of the site for other blind people. And he's doing this because...he just wants to maximize his revenue! On top of that, if he went to one of his favourite sites and they chose to put those ads up, I'd bet dollars to doughnuts he'd be the first to email them and tell them the site was unnavigable and that they're screwing themselves out of the blind market. And ya know what that site's webmaster would probably do? Laugh at him and tell him the blind market was small. And he'd get pissed. And I'd tell him to suck it up, because that's the exact message he's sending us by plastering refreshing crap ads all over his own site. We don't matter, and all that matters is him getting the most money possible.
I understand that some people don't know any better when they implement these ads. Maybe they're not really that annoying to sighted people, although I can imagine they must be. They just look at the ad program and go, "Easy to put up, will do it on its own, cool! We'll get paid." It's when people do know better, and because they're motivated by their back pocket, they do it anyway that I get pissed off. I also understand that running an internet radio station isn't cheap. But if you're so broke that you have to depend on these ad programs at the expense of your principles, perhaps now's not the time to run your station. I have nothing against ads by themselves. If he just used a banner or two and it didn't turn the site into a nightmare, go right ahead. The man's gotta get paid. I'd even click on the banner. But once you start forcing me to see new ads, so much so that I can't get around the site or it's a pain in the ass somehow, I don't like being forced. I just won't come back to the site. there are other places where I can get my music.
So, if I ever turn greedy and money-grubbing, somebody shake me before the metamorphosis is complete!
We Make No Sense
My friend Jen sent me an article out of the newspaper. It was about this woman who had some kind of chemical imbalance 15 years ago that caused her heart to stop for a few minutes. They managed to get it started again, but it left her severely brain-damaged. She can breathe on her own, but she has to be fed through a tube. And she has been kept alive like this for 15 years.
Now here comes the fun. Her husband claims she never wanted to be kept alive this way, said so, and says they should let her die. He's been fighting for years to have this happen. Her parents claim she is not completely hopeless in the brains department because they think she does respond to their voices, and they think she will get better. It's been 15 years, but that's beside the point. They don't think she should die, want the husband to no longer be her legal guardian, think he just wants her dead so he can go marry his girlfriend that he's had for a few years and has kids with. Both sides think the other is after some money from a malpractice suit, and it's become a bitter battle.
It gets better. Wanna guess how they propose to let her die? By removing the feeding tube! Isn't that absolutely disgusting? Not by a shot of something, not by quick and merciful means, no. Let her starve to death, which could take a month! I agree that it's ridiculous to keep someone alive who had said that she didn't want to be kept this way for so long, and that it's probably best to let her die because let's face it folks, her brain is not going to spontaneously heal if it hasn't done so for 15 years, but let's be humaine about it!
And here's where things really start to not make sense. The most vocal of protesters who have all kinds of ridiculous signs up like "Execution: it's not just for the guilty anymore." are also heavy religious people, anti-abortion activists and pro-life advocates. If you really think about that, they're always against us taking an active role in ending lives or deciding whether people should live or die. But didn't we take a rather active role in keeping her alive for 15 years? God didn't put that feeding tube down there. It just pisses me off when I see these people choosing when cases help their cause and when they should just keep their mouth shut. Wasn't it religious people out there trying to say that Robert Latimer did a good thing? Hell they wanted to give him some kind of award and elevate him to Mother Theresa status! In my opinion, what he did was so much worse, in principal, than this, even if the means here is absolutely horrible. But the point is how can a group support one assisted suicide and be completely against another? Granted they aren't the same physical people, but I always see this with these groups.
Another thing that gets me mad is protesters out there trying to defend someone, and they don't even know if that someone wants their defense. I doubt the lady in a coma wanted 30 people to keep a vigil outside the hospice where she is, hold up those ridiculous signs, and just get generally involved in the private matter of her life. It's one thing if she asked for support and people took up her cause. It's completely another when people do this of their own free will because they think it's the right thing. Stick to causes where you have been enlisted to help, folks.
And then there are her parents. I understand a parent's need to save their child, and that infinite hope that they will get better. But they make a point of saying they are devout catholics. Then they say they've been urging her husband to divorce her and let them take care of her. Isn't that, like, completely against the "til death do us part" part that religious people get so anal about? I just love how everybody picks and chooses what suits them from a given set of convictions.
They've removed the feeding tube now, so this crap begins. I just don't understand why it has to be the way of the feeding tube that she has to die. With all the stuff we have now, and how deeply the courts have been involved, it's not like her death would be criminal. Hell they've made it legal that the tube be removed. How about finding a better way for her to die? The whole case just bothers me, and a lot of it just makes no sense.
Now here comes the fun. Her husband claims she never wanted to be kept alive this way, said so, and says they should let her die. He's been fighting for years to have this happen. Her parents claim she is not completely hopeless in the brains department because they think she does respond to their voices, and they think she will get better. It's been 15 years, but that's beside the point. They don't think she should die, want the husband to no longer be her legal guardian, think he just wants her dead so he can go marry his girlfriend that he's had for a few years and has kids with. Both sides think the other is after some money from a malpractice suit, and it's become a bitter battle.
It gets better. Wanna guess how they propose to let her die? By removing the feeding tube! Isn't that absolutely disgusting? Not by a shot of something, not by quick and merciful means, no. Let her starve to death, which could take a month! I agree that it's ridiculous to keep someone alive who had said that she didn't want to be kept this way for so long, and that it's probably best to let her die because let's face it folks, her brain is not going to spontaneously heal if it hasn't done so for 15 years, but let's be humaine about it!
And here's where things really start to not make sense. The most vocal of protesters who have all kinds of ridiculous signs up like "Execution: it's not just for the guilty anymore." are also heavy religious people, anti-abortion activists and pro-life advocates. If you really think about that, they're always against us taking an active role in ending lives or deciding whether people should live or die. But didn't we take a rather active role in keeping her alive for 15 years? God didn't put that feeding tube down there. It just pisses me off when I see these people choosing when cases help their cause and when they should just keep their mouth shut. Wasn't it religious people out there trying to say that Robert Latimer did a good thing? Hell they wanted to give him some kind of award and elevate him to Mother Theresa status! In my opinion, what he did was so much worse, in principal, than this, even if the means here is absolutely horrible. But the point is how can a group support one assisted suicide and be completely against another? Granted they aren't the same physical people, but I always see this with these groups.
Another thing that gets me mad is protesters out there trying to defend someone, and they don't even know if that someone wants their defense. I doubt the lady in a coma wanted 30 people to keep a vigil outside the hospice where she is, hold up those ridiculous signs, and just get generally involved in the private matter of her life. It's one thing if she asked for support and people took up her cause. It's completely another when people do this of their own free will because they think it's the right thing. Stick to causes where you have been enlisted to help, folks.
And then there are her parents. I understand a parent's need to save their child, and that infinite hope that they will get better. But they make a point of saying they are devout catholics. Then they say they've been urging her husband to divorce her and let them take care of her. Isn't that, like, completely against the "til death do us part" part that religious people get so anal about? I just love how everybody picks and chooses what suits them from a given set of convictions.
They've removed the feeding tube now, so this crap begins. I just don't understand why it has to be the way of the feeding tube that she has to die. With all the stuff we have now, and how deeply the courts have been involved, it's not like her death would be criminal. Hell they've made it legal that the tube be removed. How about finding a better way for her to die? The whole case just bothers me, and a lot of it just makes no sense.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Cereal Box Textbooks
Ok, I'm pissed off. I was writing this beautiful post, and then my computer decided to take a big cack of doom, and the post died with it. So I'm going to try and recreate the coolness that was that post.
The other day I was reading my Evolutionary Psychology textbook. Basically the premise of Evolutionary Psych is that, just as our bodies have evolved features to survive in the environment, so have our brains. but since the vast majority of human history in the big picture was spent in the stone age, a lot of our behaviour still fits that time. And there are some cases where that makes sense. They showed that we are a lot better at dealing with problems where you ask, "How many times in a given day is this likely to happen?" than we are when it's asked, "What are the odds...?" because the ability to do probabilities was only realized a few hundred years ago, but we've always needed to count how many berries there are, how many times the big ugly beast with teeth and claws comes hunting, etc. Yep, I follow. That makes sense.
But then there are some cases where there seems to be no logical root to what they're saying. It seems like science has gone straight out the window, and if we're lucky, mad science has taken its place, and if not, some idiotic philosophy is all you get.
I was reading some of this shit the other day, and it made me so unbelievably mad that I could envision myself hurling things at the textbook. The chapter was on the evolution of abnormal psychology, or mental illness. First it tried to say that depression was a natural defense that kicked in when you're losing a battle, you feel like the resources you're spending are already too much, and it's better to cut your losses. Hello, that's not the way depressed people work. Instead of deciding to give up on one battle, they give up on *all* battles, except for the absolute bare essentials, and sometimes not even that much. How is that a beneficial trait? A defense? Choosing not to shower is not adaptive. Choosing to give up all your commitments and isolating yourself from family and friends is not adaptive. Ok ok ok, too modern for you? Choosing not to hunt for food is not adaptive. Not getting up to fend off predators is certainly not adaptive. How can they possibly even remotely think that they can explain depression this way? Just admit that you don't know, shut up, and don't give me this non-scientific what-if bullshit.
But the part that really got me mad was where they tried to say that suicide was adaptive, and evolved so that people who knew that they were a drain on resources and weren't making babies would just kill themselves. Apparently this would also make their family members have more children because more resources would be available to them, so their genes would live on in their absence and they'd be the great glorious martyrs. First they tried to say that the elderly were most likely to commit suicide. I don't know, but last time I checked stats, youth suicide rates were pretty damn high. I think the only thing that kills more young people are car crashes. Then they tried to say that homosexuals, people in hospitals and people in nursing homes and mental hospitals were high in suicidal thoughts. This was, in their opinion, because these people knew they couldn't be sexually successful, so why not cash it in? Ok, wait a minute. How about the way they're being treated? How about the fact that, at least gays and those in mental hospitals are shunned and treated badly by a lot of people. That has no effect at all? No no no. It's because they can't pop out a miniature collection of their genes and continue on the line! Ok, isn't this a little unfair? After raling against psychology for saying that the environment is all-important and genes mean nothing for so many years, aren't you just doing the exact same in reverse?
And finally, what in the good god damn gives these textbook authors the right to condone suicide as a possibly adaptive behaviour? Who the hell is ever a complete drain on resources? I don't think there are many. And it pisses me right off that someone would even theorize that this is possible, and then back it up with flimsy scientific research! If you don't know damn well about a statement like that, don't! even! bother! publishing! it! It just makes you look bad, wastes precious paper, wastes our time, and could possibly give some suicidal people some dangerous ideas. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk about suicide. I'm just saying don't say "Well, in some cases, maybe it's a good idea." That is never what anyone needs to hear, and shouldn't have been published in the first place.
Ok I think I'm done. I just couldn't believe I was reading what I was reading. I've seen horrible errors in textbooks before, but this was just unbelievably over the top, and I was absolutely appalled that it made it into the final draft without someone catching it and going, "Woe I don't think that should get published." I don't believe in censorship, but I believe in the publishing of a good book!
The other day I was reading my Evolutionary Psychology textbook. Basically the premise of Evolutionary Psych is that, just as our bodies have evolved features to survive in the environment, so have our brains. but since the vast majority of human history in the big picture was spent in the stone age, a lot of our behaviour still fits that time. And there are some cases where that makes sense. They showed that we are a lot better at dealing with problems where you ask, "How many times in a given day is this likely to happen?" than we are when it's asked, "What are the odds...?" because the ability to do probabilities was only realized a few hundred years ago, but we've always needed to count how many berries there are, how many times the big ugly beast with teeth and claws comes hunting, etc. Yep, I follow. That makes sense.
But then there are some cases where there seems to be no logical root to what they're saying. It seems like science has gone straight out the window, and if we're lucky, mad science has taken its place, and if not, some idiotic philosophy is all you get.
I was reading some of this shit the other day, and it made me so unbelievably mad that I could envision myself hurling things at the textbook. The chapter was on the evolution of abnormal psychology, or mental illness. First it tried to say that depression was a natural defense that kicked in when you're losing a battle, you feel like the resources you're spending are already too much, and it's better to cut your losses. Hello, that's not the way depressed people work. Instead of deciding to give up on one battle, they give up on *all* battles, except for the absolute bare essentials, and sometimes not even that much. How is that a beneficial trait? A defense? Choosing not to shower is not adaptive. Choosing to give up all your commitments and isolating yourself from family and friends is not adaptive. Ok ok ok, too modern for you? Choosing not to hunt for food is not adaptive. Not getting up to fend off predators is certainly not adaptive. How can they possibly even remotely think that they can explain depression this way? Just admit that you don't know, shut up, and don't give me this non-scientific what-if bullshit.
But the part that really got me mad was where they tried to say that suicide was adaptive, and evolved so that people who knew that they were a drain on resources and weren't making babies would just kill themselves. Apparently this would also make their family members have more children because more resources would be available to them, so their genes would live on in their absence and they'd be the great glorious martyrs. First they tried to say that the elderly were most likely to commit suicide. I don't know, but last time I checked stats, youth suicide rates were pretty damn high. I think the only thing that kills more young people are car crashes. Then they tried to say that homosexuals, people in hospitals and people in nursing homes and mental hospitals were high in suicidal thoughts. This was, in their opinion, because these people knew they couldn't be sexually successful, so why not cash it in? Ok, wait a minute. How about the way they're being treated? How about the fact that, at least gays and those in mental hospitals are shunned and treated badly by a lot of people. That has no effect at all? No no no. It's because they can't pop out a miniature collection of their genes and continue on the line! Ok, isn't this a little unfair? After raling against psychology for saying that the environment is all-important and genes mean nothing for so many years, aren't you just doing the exact same in reverse?
And finally, what in the good god damn gives these textbook authors the right to condone suicide as a possibly adaptive behaviour? Who the hell is ever a complete drain on resources? I don't think there are many. And it pisses me right off that someone would even theorize that this is possible, and then back it up with flimsy scientific research! If you don't know damn well about a statement like that, don't! even! bother! publishing! it! It just makes you look bad, wastes precious paper, wastes our time, and could possibly give some suicidal people some dangerous ideas. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk about suicide. I'm just saying don't say "Well, in some cases, maybe it's a good idea." That is never what anyone needs to hear, and shouldn't have been published in the first place.
Ok I think I'm done. I just couldn't believe I was reading what I was reading. I've seen horrible errors in textbooks before, but this was just unbelievably over the top, and I was absolutely appalled that it made it into the final draft without someone catching it and going, "Woe I don't think that should get published." I don't believe in censorship, but I believe in the publishing of a good book!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Don't Ask Me Where That Is, I Just Drive By It Every Day
Ok, where are these bus drivers' heads? I get on the bus, but because I'm running behind schedule, I decide to instead of coming into the main place where the buses stop at the university, I'd go to a stop near where I was going since I heard that there was one. So I ask the bus driver to make sure. I said, "Do you stop near the Powel Building?" He says to me with a bewildered look, "I have no idea." Bear in mind that this is a big building with signs that point at it saying Powell Building This Way. I decide to get on the bus anyway and tell him to start looking when he gets close to the Athletic Centre. Sure enough, as we aproach, he says, "Oh there's a sign for it!" And this is a regular bus route. There were no detours, he travels it all the damn time. I have to wonder, what are these bus drivers looking at when they drive? If they don't notice road signs as they're driving on the...road, then what else are they missing?
This isn't the first time this has happened. Hell, two different bus drivers who drive by it all the time had no idea where it was. One time I asked to be let off where all the residences are. Ya know, the big block of buildings that are residences. The response? "Where's that?" How do you miss a whole set of residences?!?!?! And Steve posted about how one bus driver wasn't even aware of a whole street! Holy zombification!I just hope that maybe today this bus driver was enlightened and knows where the Powell building is for next time...na, that's being too hopeful.
This isn't the first time this has happened. Hell, two different bus drivers who drive by it all the time had no idea where it was. One time I asked to be let off where all the residences are. Ya know, the big block of buildings that are residences. The response? "Where's that?" How do you miss a whole set of residences?!?!?! And Steve posted about how one bus driver wasn't even aware of a whole street! Holy zombification!I just hope that maybe today this bus driver was enlightened and knows where the Powell building is for next time...na, that's being too hopeful.
You Are Here?
That's right, we're doing searches again. This one's going to be fairly quick since a lot of this stuff makes fun of itself so I don't have to say much.
Thanks, as usual, go out to the deviants and generally insane people who make this all possible.
I'll warn you ahead of time, this is going to suck. It will by no means be nearly as funny as the last one or the ones before it. It will probably be even less funny than some of the ones that you might not have thought were that good.
08 Mar, Tue, 06:03:18
Yahoo:
Randy Orton's naked pictures
Of who?
Ahh forget it, it's not like whoever this is is going to get a grammar joke anyway, so I won't waste my time.
07 Mar, Mon, 11:50:16
Yahoo:
fuck your wife in divorce court
I can't decide if this guy is looking for a restraining order or a reconciliation.
14 Mar, Mon, 13:40:07
Yahoo:
masterbating with vomit
I'm not even gonna touch that one, but I bet if I did it would be squishy.
13 Mar, Sun, 18:25:00
Yahoo:
fucking lucky ass bitchs that write random lyrics and somehow get bands to sing it so that the writer gets money
I think it might be time for another translation contest. I'm lost.
14 Mar, Mon, 12:54:55
Yahoo:
The couple was arguing Saturday because the man, whose name was not released, wanted to end the year-old relationship, Shell said. The pair decided to have sex, and the man agreed to have his arms tied to a window handle above their bed. The woman pulled out a kitchen knife and severed his penis, police said.
I didn't include this because I have no idea what this person is looking for, it's because I do. This guy quoted pretty much every detail, word for word, from the severed penis article I posted a few weeks ago. What I can't figure out is why would you waste your time if you have the whole thing in front of you? What new information could we possibly have to offer a guy who's quoting half the article?
See, I told you this would suck. I'll try to do better next time, but I'm only as good as what I have to work with.
Thanks, as usual, go out to the deviants and generally insane people who make this all possible.
I'll warn you ahead of time, this is going to suck. It will by no means be nearly as funny as the last one or the ones before it. It will probably be even less funny than some of the ones that you might not have thought were that good.
08 Mar, Tue, 06:03:18
Yahoo:
Randy Orton's naked pictures
Of who?
Ahh forget it, it's not like whoever this is is going to get a grammar joke anyway, so I won't waste my time.
07 Mar, Mon, 11:50:16
Yahoo:
fuck your wife in divorce court
I can't decide if this guy is looking for a restraining order or a reconciliation.
14 Mar, Mon, 13:40:07
Yahoo:
masterbating with vomit
I'm not even gonna touch that one, but I bet if I did it would be squishy.
13 Mar, Sun, 18:25:00
Yahoo:
fucking lucky ass bitchs that write random lyrics and somehow get bands to sing it so that the writer gets money
I think it might be time for another translation contest. I'm lost.
14 Mar, Mon, 12:54:55
Yahoo:
The couple was arguing Saturday because the man, whose name was not released, wanted to end the year-old relationship, Shell said. The pair decided to have sex, and the man agreed to have his arms tied to a window handle above their bed. The woman pulled out a kitchen knife and severed his penis, police said.
I didn't include this because I have no idea what this person is looking for, it's because I do. This guy quoted pretty much every detail, word for word, from the severed penis article I posted a few weeks ago. What I can't figure out is why would you waste your time if you have the whole thing in front of you? What new information could we possibly have to offer a guy who's quoting half the article?
See, I told you this would suck. I'll try to do better next time, but I'm only as good as what I have to work with.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Obvious Pompous Asses
Don't you just hate it when you meet someone who just exudes pompous assedness? It doesn't matter what they say. They could say the most profound thing, which they incidentally never do because they can't, but they can say the most well-intentioned thing anyway, and you can't take them seriously. In fact, the whole time they're talking, you can feel yourself becoming unexplainably enraged at them, and wish they'd just shut up and go away.
I met such a person the other day. He's the president of my university, great joy. I was at a ceremony to kick off that disability awareness campaign thingy. And of course the first one to make a speech would be our president, Sir bullshitalot. Wish that was his name, but hell that's what it'll be here. He stood up and rambled about how we must not focus on disabilities, but abilities. Ok, that makes sense, sort of. But people have to realize barriers exist so they can disappear and *then* we can focus on abilities. But you can't live in an idealized world, say they don't exist, bury your head in the sand and expect people's *abilities* to shine. Anyway, that's a side point. The point is he seemed so insincere about it. It was almost like he had reverse Charisma! The whole time he was talking, I was having a mental war. Half of me was saying, "Ok, I'm glad the president came, it's a good sign. It's an ok speech I guess." And the other part of me was just repeatedly chanting, "Shut! Up! Shut! Up! You don't know jack squat! And Worse than that, you don't care! You wouldn't stop to help an old lady who fell down! If you really cared, you would make more buildings wheelchair accessible and have more rooms outfitted with the system for the hearing impaired!" This was immediately followed by the other half of me saying, "That makes no logical sense. You don't know his real personality. Maybe he's a real nice guy. And things are geting better. Things have gotten a lot better than when you first arrived. What is your problem? Listen to his speech and calm down!"
But the thing is I couldn't. He even managed to piss me off by his final line of his speech. He turned to the speaker who was going to speak next and called him a true role model. Uh-huh. And I am to believe that he truly believes that in his heart of hearts. When someone calls someone else a role model, they have to be sincere. They can't make it sound like they probably just read his profile this morning while writing this PR stunt speech to decide what flowery words to say.
This seemingly complete fake's speech, along with a few other things that happened, soured me on the whole event. Now that's some power you don't want to possess. The part that baffles me is how did this guy get voted in? Were the candidates really that shitty? Or is there something truly amazing about him that I don't know? Or did he bribe someone? Maybe I'll go for a bit of column a. and a bit of column c. Excuse my synical attitude.
Has anyone else met someone with this kind of reverse charisma? Or am I just weird?
I met such a person the other day. He's the president of my university, great joy. I was at a ceremony to kick off that disability awareness campaign thingy. And of course the first one to make a speech would be our president, Sir bullshitalot. Wish that was his name, but hell that's what it'll be here. He stood up and rambled about how we must not focus on disabilities, but abilities. Ok, that makes sense, sort of. But people have to realize barriers exist so they can disappear and *then* we can focus on abilities. But you can't live in an idealized world, say they don't exist, bury your head in the sand and expect people's *abilities* to shine. Anyway, that's a side point. The point is he seemed so insincere about it. It was almost like he had reverse Charisma! The whole time he was talking, I was having a mental war. Half of me was saying, "Ok, I'm glad the president came, it's a good sign. It's an ok speech I guess." And the other part of me was just repeatedly chanting, "Shut! Up! Shut! Up! You don't know jack squat! And Worse than that, you don't care! You wouldn't stop to help an old lady who fell down! If you really cared, you would make more buildings wheelchair accessible and have more rooms outfitted with the system for the hearing impaired!" This was immediately followed by the other half of me saying, "That makes no logical sense. You don't know his real personality. Maybe he's a real nice guy. And things are geting better. Things have gotten a lot better than when you first arrived. What is your problem? Listen to his speech and calm down!"
But the thing is I couldn't. He even managed to piss me off by his final line of his speech. He turned to the speaker who was going to speak next and called him a true role model. Uh-huh. And I am to believe that he truly believes that in his heart of hearts. When someone calls someone else a role model, they have to be sincere. They can't make it sound like they probably just read his profile this morning while writing this PR stunt speech to decide what flowery words to say.
This seemingly complete fake's speech, along with a few other things that happened, soured me on the whole event. Now that's some power you don't want to possess. The part that baffles me is how did this guy get voted in? Were the candidates really that shitty? Or is there something truly amazing about him that I don't know? Or did he bribe someone? Maybe I'll go for a bit of column a. and a bit of column c. Excuse my synical attitude.
Has anyone else met someone with this kind of reverse charisma? Or am I just weird?
Time to Kick Myself Really Hard
Here is a case where I have let my face get associated with stupidity, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it...now. It wouldn't be so bad if I couldn't have done anything about it ever, but the thing is I had the chance to save this, and I didn't even realize it.
A while back, these people decided to do a disability/accessibility awareness campaign. As part of the campaign, they wanted to get a bunch of people with various disabilities together, show them doing cool stuff, take pictures of them and put the pictures on a poster. Cool. Then below each person's face, they had a blurb about them. Still cool. That is, until I read the blurbs. I read them before the posters were finalized, and didn't notice this. In everybody's blurb, it said, "I have xxx disability, my abilities are infinite."
Woe papa, back the truck up. *nobody's* abilities are infinite. The most brilliant genius's abilities are by no means infinite. Einstein devised the theory of relativity, but talking to him, so I've read, was like pulling teeth. Virginia Wolfe was a brilliant author. She was also seriously depressed. We all have things we are less than perfect at and other things at which we excel. By being human, we all have limits! Saying that our abilities are infinite makes the whole campaign ridiculous. It makes people with disabilities seem like we should be suddenly superhuman. Now was that really what they were going for?
I can only pray and hope that people will look at the posters, ignore that sentence, although I find that hard to believe since it's below everybody's face, and move on. The last thing I wanted to do in that poster was say that I'm better than everybody else because my abilities are infinite. that is so conceited. I shouldn't worry. That'll probably be exactly what'll happen. People don't read anyway. I'm just mad at myself for not noticing it in time.
A while back, these people decided to do a disability/accessibility awareness campaign. As part of the campaign, they wanted to get a bunch of people with various disabilities together, show them doing cool stuff, take pictures of them and put the pictures on a poster. Cool. Then below each person's face, they had a blurb about them. Still cool. That is, until I read the blurbs. I read them before the posters were finalized, and didn't notice this. In everybody's blurb, it said, "I have xxx disability, my abilities are infinite."
Woe papa, back the truck up. *nobody's* abilities are infinite. The most brilliant genius's abilities are by no means infinite. Einstein devised the theory of relativity, but talking to him, so I've read, was like pulling teeth. Virginia Wolfe was a brilliant author. She was also seriously depressed. We all have things we are less than perfect at and other things at which we excel. By being human, we all have limits! Saying that our abilities are infinite makes the whole campaign ridiculous. It makes people with disabilities seem like we should be suddenly superhuman. Now was that really what they were going for?
I can only pray and hope that people will look at the posters, ignore that sentence, although I find that hard to believe since it's below everybody's face, and move on. The last thing I wanted to do in that poster was say that I'm better than everybody else because my abilities are infinite. that is so conceited. I shouldn't worry. That'll probably be exactly what'll happen. People don't read anyway. I'm just mad at myself for not noticing it in time.
Here at We Make No Sense U...
Here's something to prove that the content of the courses you're taking really doesn't matter. All that matters is you slogging through it and telling the prof what he wants to hear. Like I said last week, one of my profs got pretty badly smucked in a car accident. So of course they're going to throw together guest lecturers. Yep yep I understand that. For the first little while the guest lecturers make sense. Until next week. Then for the next three weeks, we're getting lectured to by a guy from the department of...wait for it...philosophy! This course is evolutionary psychology! What can this philosophy guy possibly know about evolutionary psychology? If we're lucky, he's read a couple papers about it for interest, skimming them for interesting pieces to bring up with his students while they contemplate the meaning of life.
I hear it now. "Don't be mean to the philosophy guy. Maybe he understands more than you think." But would you think it normal for a biology teacher to stand in for an english prof? Or the opposite? How about a computers teacher for art? It's just weird.
I understand these are desperate times, and since the prof was willing to teach for three weeks, the poor frazzled TA was probably ecstatic and took him up on it. But it doesn't stop there. We're to use this guy as a resource for writing our evolutionary psych papers! How can this guy help give us pointers in a subject in which he might have mild interest at best? Why not give us a resource that might know a little more about the literature than a passing glance? If they really cared about course content, I think they would try a little harder to find us someone at least relevant to give us paper suggestions. I can swallow the lectures, even though three weeks of a guy who is basically the complete opposite of evolutionary psych is a bit weird. But I know they're sort of under the gun and why turn down an offer like that? But come on. Isn't there someone better for the papers? Is this philosophy guy actually going to grade these? Make me feel like the stuff I'm writing is going to be read by someone who actually knows a thing or two about this, and don't make me feel like I'm just spewing out garbage to satisfy someone's beliefs. Ok I already knew that, but at least give me the illusion that I'm doing something of value for my last paper in my degree.
I hear it now. "Don't be mean to the philosophy guy. Maybe he understands more than you think." But would you think it normal for a biology teacher to stand in for an english prof? Or the opposite? How about a computers teacher for art? It's just weird.
I understand these are desperate times, and since the prof was willing to teach for three weeks, the poor frazzled TA was probably ecstatic and took him up on it. But it doesn't stop there. We're to use this guy as a resource for writing our evolutionary psych papers! How can this guy help give us pointers in a subject in which he might have mild interest at best? Why not give us a resource that might know a little more about the literature than a passing glance? If they really cared about course content, I think they would try a little harder to find us someone at least relevant to give us paper suggestions. I can swallow the lectures, even though three weeks of a guy who is basically the complete opposite of evolutionary psych is a bit weird. But I know they're sort of under the gun and why turn down an offer like that? But come on. Isn't there someone better for the papers? Is this philosophy guy actually going to grade these? Make me feel like the stuff I'm writing is going to be read by someone who actually knows a thing or two about this, and don't make me feel like I'm just spewing out garbage to satisfy someone's beliefs. Ok I already knew that, but at least give me the illusion that I'm doing something of value for my last paper in my degree.
A Note to Anyone Planning a Campus
Hey Sparky, here's a tip. The next time you're building new buildings and renaming old ones, how about not giving three buildings on the same street the same person's name? I'm serious. On this campus, we have a Macdonald Hall, which has been there for aeons, a Macdonald Stewart Art Centre, which has been there for a while, and then we had a building that had a nice original name, and now it's called Macdonald Institute! And they're all close to each other! Like jesus! How rich is Macdonald anyway? And can I have some dough too while you're doling it out?
Seriously, I've gotten lost so many times because people think I'm looking for one Macdonald when I'm looking for another. Can we at least start calling one of them something like the Joe Macdonald center and the other Bob? Come on, let's distinguish them somehow.
Seriously, I've gotten lost so many times because people think I'm looking for one Macdonald when I'm looking for another. Can we at least start calling one of them something like the Joe Macdonald center and the other Bob? Come on, let's distinguish them somehow.
Cards Are Going to Hell!
I mean it. What is with all the mushy gushy bless you love you cards? I know they're cards, but it seems like gone are the days when you had a variety of kinds of cards. For the poet who isn't eloquent enough to write his own poem and sends email hug certificates and likes pre-written sap, there were the pre-written sap smooch your face off cards. But they were sandwiched among the humourous cards, even if they didn't fit the person you were sending it to. And then there were your basic cards that left the card-sender lots of room to write his own personal message. Bring me back those days!
I was trying to find a get-well card for that prof I talked about last week. The one who's stuck in the hospital for who knows how long. And god damn it! Some cards were covered in flowers. What? Do only women get sick? What the hell!
Then there were the cards lined with poetry. If the guy's all doped up in the hospital, does he really want to read a god damn sonnet that wasn't even written by the person wishing him well? And isn't it so insincere to send something pre-written anyway? If you really cared, you'd write the note yourself, you wouldn't wait for Hallmark to speak it for you.
And these are the cards that piss me off so much! They start off all simple, and then they end with, "with love." Ok, you were doing so well! Why did you have to louse it all up? If I wanted a lovy-duvvy card, I would have picked the ones with the sonnets or the ones with the flowers! Can't you pick a side of the fense to stay on?
And I only found one funny get well card. Come on, don't these people deserve a laugh? They're in the hospital after all!
Luckily I had more luck today getting thank you cards, but still, don't you thinka thank you card is supposed to be simple? Not according to people writing cards now. Half of them were talking about friends being angels to make the earth a better place. What if you're thanking someone for an award. Do you really have to call them an angel friend?
I just swear all the variety and coolness has gone out of cards. Has society gotten to the point that wordiness and pictures mean more than a gesture? Wow, this whole cards rant has gotten into deeper thoughts than I planned.
I was trying to find a get-well card for that prof I talked about last week. The one who's stuck in the hospital for who knows how long. And god damn it! Some cards were covered in flowers. What? Do only women get sick? What the hell!
Then there were the cards lined with poetry. If the guy's all doped up in the hospital, does he really want to read a god damn sonnet that wasn't even written by the person wishing him well? And isn't it so insincere to send something pre-written anyway? If you really cared, you'd write the note yourself, you wouldn't wait for Hallmark to speak it for you.
And these are the cards that piss me off so much! They start off all simple, and then they end with, "with love." Ok, you were doing so well! Why did you have to louse it all up? If I wanted a lovy-duvvy card, I would have picked the ones with the sonnets or the ones with the flowers! Can't you pick a side of the fense to stay on?
And I only found one funny get well card. Come on, don't these people deserve a laugh? They're in the hospital after all!
Luckily I had more luck today getting thank you cards, but still, don't you thinka thank you card is supposed to be simple? Not according to people writing cards now. Half of them were talking about friends being angels to make the earth a better place. What if you're thanking someone for an award. Do you really have to call them an angel friend?
I just swear all the variety and coolness has gone out of cards. Has society gotten to the point that wordiness and pictures mean more than a gesture? Wow, this whole cards rant has gotten into deeper thoughts than I planned.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Celebrities And Satan Lesson 2: The Anti-Christ Revealed
As you may recall, a few short days ago we learned that S Club 7, a group of 7 British kids who don't play instruments but somehow still manage to make what some would call music, are
evil.
And today we will learn that they are not alone. Today, their master in evil is exposed, and his name is
David Hasselhoff.
Yes, I said David Hasselhoff. Hey, it's in the Bible, which is only the best selling fictional work of all time. How can you argue with that? Quite simply, you can't.
evil.
And today we will learn that they are not alone. Today, their master in evil is exposed, and his name is
David Hasselhoff.
Yes, I said David Hasselhoff. Hey, it's in the Bible, which is only the best selling fictional work of all time. How can you argue with that? Quite simply, you can't.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
God, This Is Stupid
But for some reason, I've spent the last 5 minutes laughing at it.
A woman started a new job collecting the sperm from turkeys to use for artificial insemination.
One day, as she walked up to one of them, it went "Gobble, gobble."
She replied, "Quiet down! You'll settle for a hand job like the rest!"
A woman started a new job collecting the sperm from turkeys to use for artificial insemination.
One day, as she walked up to one of them, it went "Gobble, gobble."
She replied, "Quiet down! You'll settle for a hand job like the rest!"
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
I'm Such a Slacker
I can't believe I'm doing this. For no good reason, I'm skipping this class. I know that doesn't seem monumental, but I rarely skip a class unless there's a reason. But today, I'm just like ah screw it. Maybe it's the fact that it's cold and I don't wanna freeze my ass off again. I don't know. Maybe it's because I think the prof is a weirdo and I'm not really learning much from her anyway. Maybe it's because after today, I only have 8 more classes of hers to endure before the course is done and I can graduate! 8 of hers and 9 of the other course that is sorta in a shambles...and then it's all over! Maybe that's why I don't care. But at any rate, it feels weird to just sit here and write shit instead of going to class. Weird, but good! Na...I won't make it a common occurrence. I'll resist the urge.
Headlines
Some of these are pretty funny.
Cause of AIDS Found - Scientists
Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
Why You Want Sex Changes With Age
Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls
Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets
Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire
Antique Stripper to Demonstrate Wares at Store
Sudden Rush to Help People Out of Work
Deadline Passes for Striking Police
Cause of AIDS Found - Scientists
Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
Why You Want Sex Changes With Age
Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls
Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets
Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire
Antique Stripper to Demonstrate Wares at Store
Sudden Rush to Help People Out of Work
Deadline Passes for Striking Police
S Club Satan?
Greg sent me this earth shattering news.
It turns out that one of my least and his most favourite bands in the world, S Club 7, is
evil.
Yes, I said
evil!
The proof is right there for you to click on. Backwards messages, mind control, it's all there, and I for one am shocked by the mere concept of something evil in the pop music industry. It just...it just can't be, or can it?
It turns out that one of my least and his most favourite bands in the world, S Club 7, is
evil.
Yes, I said
evil!
The proof is right there for you to click on. Backwards messages, mind control, it's all there, and I for one am shocked by the mere concept of something evil in the pop music industry. It just...it just can't be, or can it?
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Carin turns to mush
Well, here's your dose of sap. I don't know why, I just feel like I have to say this.
Today I went to class like normal. I sat down, and instead of our usual crazy raging prof who sounds like he's going to blow a gasket all the time, the chair of the Psych department is standing in front of the class. He says, "Well guys, your professor won't be teaching the rest of the class. He was in a car accident, he's going to be ok, but he's in the hospital and he has a fractured pelvis and broken ribs. So the rest of the semester will be guest lectures. He won't be answering his phone at the hospital, he's in a lot of pain, but he's going to be ok."
Just digest that for a while. We have a little over a month to go, and he doesn't think he'll be back! That's one hell of a break. Maybe I'm just overly worried because after going to the school I did, they always tried to make things sound better than they were. So if we were told someone had a little fall, their head was split wide open and their brains were splattered all over. If the word from the ones informing us was that they might not return, they were pretty much dead. I want to believe the chair isn't shooting us a line and this guy will be ok, but ya never know when all ya get is a PR statement. All I'm saying is you never know what can happen, so let the people you care about know how you feel! Ok I think that's enough sap for now.
Today I went to class like normal. I sat down, and instead of our usual crazy raging prof who sounds like he's going to blow a gasket all the time, the chair of the Psych department is standing in front of the class. He says, "Well guys, your professor won't be teaching the rest of the class. He was in a car accident, he's going to be ok, but he's in the hospital and he has a fractured pelvis and broken ribs. So the rest of the semester will be guest lectures. He won't be answering his phone at the hospital, he's in a lot of pain, but he's going to be ok."
Just digest that for a while. We have a little over a month to go, and he doesn't think he'll be back! That's one hell of a break. Maybe I'm just overly worried because after going to the school I did, they always tried to make things sound better than they were. So if we were told someone had a little fall, their head was split wide open and their brains were splattered all over. If the word from the ones informing us was that they might not return, they were pretty much dead. I want to believe the chair isn't shooting us a line and this guy will be ok, but ya never know when all ya get is a PR statement. All I'm saying is you never know what can happen, so let the people you care about know how you feel! Ok I think that's enough sap for now.
When Did Our Country Grow A Spine?
This is a few days old, but I just got a chance to read it now, and all I can say is wow. Ok, wow and how long until a cluster bomb gets dropped on us by accident?
Former Liberal cabinet member Lloyd Axworthy wrote this open letter to US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice after hearing American opinions on Canada's decision not to sign up for their missile-defence plan and not liking them. I wish I could write half this well.
Dear Condi,
I'm glad you've decided to get over your fit of pique and venture north to visit your closest neighbour. It's a chance to learn a thing or two. Maybe more.
I know it seems improbable to your divinely guided master in the White House that mere mortals might disagree with participating in a missile-defence system that has failed in its last three tests, even though the tests themselves were carefully rigged to show results.
But, gosh, we folks above the 49th parallel are somewhat cautious types who can't quite see laying down billions of dollars in a three-dud poker game.
As our erstwhile Prairie-born and bred (and therefore prudent) finance minister pointed out in presenting his recent budget, we've had eight years of balanced or surplus financial accounts. If we're going to spend money, Mr. Goodale added, it will be on day-care and health programs, and even on more foreign aid and improved defence.
Sure, that doesn't match the gargantuan, multi-billion-dollar deficits that your government blithely runs up fighting a "liberation war" in Iraq, laying out more than half of all weapons expenditures in the world, and giving massive tax breaks to the top one per cent of your population while cutting food programs for poor children.
Just chalk that up to a different sense of priorities about what a national government's role should be when there isn't a prevailing mood of manifest destiny.
Coming to Ottawa might also expose you to a parliamentary system that has a thing called question period every day, where those in the executive are held accountable by an opposition for their actions, and where demands for public debate on important topics such as missile defence can be made openly.
You might also notice that it's a system in which the governing party's caucus members are not afraid to tell their leader that their constituents don't want to follow the ideological, perhaps teleological, fantasies of Canada's continental co-inhabitant. And that this leader actually listens to such representations.
Your boss did not avail himself of a similar opportunity to visit our House of Commons during his visit, fearing, it seems, that there might be some signs of dissent. He preferred to issue his diktat on missile defence in front of a highly controlled, pre-selected audience.
Such control-freak antics may work in the virtual one-party state that now prevails in Washington. But in Canada we have a residual belief that politicians should be subject to a few checks and balances, an idea that your country once espoused before the days of empire.
If you want to have us consider your proposals and positions, present them in a proper way, through serious discussion across the table in our cabinet room, as your previous president did when he visited Ottawa. And don't embarrass our prime minister by lobbing a verbal missile at him while he sits on a public stage, with no chance to respond.
Now, I understand that there may have been some miscalculations in Washington based on faulty advice from your resident governor of the "northern territories," Ambassador Cellucci. But you should know by now that he hasn't really won the hearts and minds of most Canadians through his attempts to browbeat and command our allegiance to U.S. policies.
Sadly, Mr. Cellucci has been far too closeted with exclusive groups of 'experts' from Calgary think-tanks and neo-con lobbyists at cross-border conferences to remotely grasp a cross-section of Canadian attitudes (nor American ones, for that matter).
I invite you to expand the narrow perspective that seems to inform your opinions of Canada by ranging far wider in your reach of contacts and discussions. You would find that what is rising in Canada is not so much anti-Americanism, as claimed by your and our right-wing commentators, but fundamental disagreements with certain policies of your government. You would see that rather than just reacting to events by drawing on old conventional wisdoms, many Canadians are trying to think our way through to some ideas that can be helpful in building a more secure world.
These Canadians believe that security can be achieved through well-modulated efforts to protect the rights of people, not just nation-states.
To encourage and advance international co-operation on managing the risk of climate change, they believe that we need agreements like Kyoto.
To protect people against international crimes like genocide and ethnic cleansing, they support new institutions like the International Criminal Court -- which, by the way, you might strongly consider using to hold accountable those committing atrocities today in Darfur, Sudan.
And these Canadians believe that the United Nations should indeed be reformed -- beginning with an agreement to get rid of the veto held by the major powers over humanitarian interventions to stop violence and predatory practices.
On this score, you might want to explore the concept of the 'Responsibility to Protect' while you're in Ottawa. It's a Canadian idea born out of the recent experience of Kosovo and informed by the many horrific examples of inhumanity over the last half-century. Many Canadians feel it has a lot more relevance to providing real human security in the world than missile defence ever will.
This is not just some quirky notion concocted in our long winter nights, by the way. It seems to have appeal for many in your own country, if not the editorialists at the Wall Street Journal or Rush Limbaugh. As I discovered recently while giving a series of lectures in southern California, there is keen interest in how the U.S. can offer real leadership in managing global challenges of disease, natural calamities and conflict, other than by military means. There is also a very strong awareness on both sides of the border of how vital Canada is to the U.S. as a partner in North America. We supply copious amounts of oil and natural gas to your country, our respective trade is the world's largest in volume, and we are increasingly bound together by common concerns over depletion of resources, especially very scarce fresh water.
Why not discuss these issues with Canadians who understand them, and seek out ways to better cooperate in areas where we agree -- and agree to respect each other's views when we disagree.
Above all, ignore the Cassandras who deride the state of our relations because of one missile-defence decision. Accept that, as a friend on your border, we will offer a different, independent point of view. And that there are times when truth must speak to power.
In friendship,
Lloyd Axworthy
Lloyd Axworthy is president of the University of Winnipeg and a former Canadian foreign minister.
Former Liberal cabinet member Lloyd Axworthy wrote this open letter to US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice after hearing American opinions on Canada's decision not to sign up for their missile-defence plan and not liking them. I wish I could write half this well.
Dear Condi,
I'm glad you've decided to get over your fit of pique and venture north to visit your closest neighbour. It's a chance to learn a thing or two. Maybe more.
I know it seems improbable to your divinely guided master in the White House that mere mortals might disagree with participating in a missile-defence system that has failed in its last three tests, even though the tests themselves were carefully rigged to show results.
But, gosh, we folks above the 49th parallel are somewhat cautious types who can't quite see laying down billions of dollars in a three-dud poker game.
As our erstwhile Prairie-born and bred (and therefore prudent) finance minister pointed out in presenting his recent budget, we've had eight years of balanced or surplus financial accounts. If we're going to spend money, Mr. Goodale added, it will be on day-care and health programs, and even on more foreign aid and improved defence.
Sure, that doesn't match the gargantuan, multi-billion-dollar deficits that your government blithely runs up fighting a "liberation war" in Iraq, laying out more than half of all weapons expenditures in the world, and giving massive tax breaks to the top one per cent of your population while cutting food programs for poor children.
Just chalk that up to a different sense of priorities about what a national government's role should be when there isn't a prevailing mood of manifest destiny.
Coming to Ottawa might also expose you to a parliamentary system that has a thing called question period every day, where those in the executive are held accountable by an opposition for their actions, and where demands for public debate on important topics such as missile defence can be made openly.
You might also notice that it's a system in which the governing party's caucus members are not afraid to tell their leader that their constituents don't want to follow the ideological, perhaps teleological, fantasies of Canada's continental co-inhabitant. And that this leader actually listens to such representations.
Your boss did not avail himself of a similar opportunity to visit our House of Commons during his visit, fearing, it seems, that there might be some signs of dissent. He preferred to issue his diktat on missile defence in front of a highly controlled, pre-selected audience.
Such control-freak antics may work in the virtual one-party state that now prevails in Washington. But in Canada we have a residual belief that politicians should be subject to a few checks and balances, an idea that your country once espoused before the days of empire.
If you want to have us consider your proposals and positions, present them in a proper way, through serious discussion across the table in our cabinet room, as your previous president did when he visited Ottawa. And don't embarrass our prime minister by lobbing a verbal missile at him while he sits on a public stage, with no chance to respond.
Now, I understand that there may have been some miscalculations in Washington based on faulty advice from your resident governor of the "northern territories," Ambassador Cellucci. But you should know by now that he hasn't really won the hearts and minds of most Canadians through his attempts to browbeat and command our allegiance to U.S. policies.
Sadly, Mr. Cellucci has been far too closeted with exclusive groups of 'experts' from Calgary think-tanks and neo-con lobbyists at cross-border conferences to remotely grasp a cross-section of Canadian attitudes (nor American ones, for that matter).
I invite you to expand the narrow perspective that seems to inform your opinions of Canada by ranging far wider in your reach of contacts and discussions. You would find that what is rising in Canada is not so much anti-Americanism, as claimed by your and our right-wing commentators, but fundamental disagreements with certain policies of your government. You would see that rather than just reacting to events by drawing on old conventional wisdoms, many Canadians are trying to think our way through to some ideas that can be helpful in building a more secure world.
These Canadians believe that security can be achieved through well-modulated efforts to protect the rights of people, not just nation-states.
To encourage and advance international co-operation on managing the risk of climate change, they believe that we need agreements like Kyoto.
To protect people against international crimes like genocide and ethnic cleansing, they support new institutions like the International Criminal Court -- which, by the way, you might strongly consider using to hold accountable those committing atrocities today in Darfur, Sudan.
And these Canadians believe that the United Nations should indeed be reformed -- beginning with an agreement to get rid of the veto held by the major powers over humanitarian interventions to stop violence and predatory practices.
On this score, you might want to explore the concept of the 'Responsibility to Protect' while you're in Ottawa. It's a Canadian idea born out of the recent experience of Kosovo and informed by the many horrific examples of inhumanity over the last half-century. Many Canadians feel it has a lot more relevance to providing real human security in the world than missile defence ever will.
This is not just some quirky notion concocted in our long winter nights, by the way. It seems to have appeal for many in your own country, if not the editorialists at the Wall Street Journal or Rush Limbaugh. As I discovered recently while giving a series of lectures in southern California, there is keen interest in how the U.S. can offer real leadership in managing global challenges of disease, natural calamities and conflict, other than by military means. There is also a very strong awareness on both sides of the border of how vital Canada is to the U.S. as a partner in North America. We supply copious amounts of oil and natural gas to your country, our respective trade is the world's largest in volume, and we are increasingly bound together by common concerns over depletion of resources, especially very scarce fresh water.
Why not discuss these issues with Canadians who understand them, and seek out ways to better cooperate in areas where we agree -- and agree to respect each other's views when we disagree.
Above all, ignore the Cassandras who deride the state of our relations because of one missile-defence decision. Accept that, as a friend on your border, we will offer a different, independent point of view. And that there are times when truth must speak to power.
In friendship,
Lloyd Axworthy
Lloyd Axworthy is president of the University of Winnipeg and a former Canadian foreign minister.
Monday, March 07, 2005
People Are Cute
There isn't much point to this story except that it cracked me up when it happened. I was walking to the bus. It's raining, actually make that that it's pouring. As I approach the stop where I usually wait, this woman runs at me. She can't speak much English and all she keeps saying is, "Come on! Come on! Come on!" I let her lead me, and she leads me not to the bus, but into the bus shelter. Then she grabs my hood, and shakes it out and trying to be all motherly, puts it on my head. On any other day, I probably would have been like I'm ok! But going in the shelter semed like a good idea anyway. There were a bunch of people in there, so I asked one of them to tell me when a certain bus, the 52 comes. So I'm standing there, and a bus starts to come in. The lady who can't speak much english starts to get excited. She says, "52! 52!" and runs outside with me. Then she looks at the bus and says in a sad voice, "Aww, 51! 51!" It just cracked me up. She then runs back in the shelter again. Then the 52 comes, and sure enough she gets all excited again and puts me in the line to get on, and then, like magic, she's gone.
I don't know what it was about her exactly that cracked me up, I guess the fact that she really really wanted to help me, even though she couldn't speak much English, and the fact that she was trying to take care of me. Random people try to do that to me all the time, and I don't know why. One day I was walking down the street and it was cold, and this random stranger patted my head and said, "Where's your hat? I'm telling your mother." I laughed so hard, cause mom's like 6 hours away. And sometimes when I pick up milk at the store, the guy selling it to me gets all worked up and says, "How are you going to carry that home?" Man it makes me laugh.
Anyway like I said at the beginning, there wasn't much point to this story, except to say that some people just crack me up sometimes. Maybe I'll write up more adventures of me walking around, I seem to have a fair number of them.
I don't know what it was about her exactly that cracked me up, I guess the fact that she really really wanted to help me, even though she couldn't speak much English, and the fact that she was trying to take care of me. Random people try to do that to me all the time, and I don't know why. One day I was walking down the street and it was cold, and this random stranger patted my head and said, "Where's your hat? I'm telling your mother." I laughed so hard, cause mom's like 6 hours away. And sometimes when I pick up milk at the store, the guy selling it to me gets all worked up and says, "How are you going to carry that home?" Man it makes me laugh.
Anyway like I said at the beginning, there wasn't much point to this story, except to say that some people just crack me up sometimes. Maybe I'll write up more adventures of me walking around, I seem to have a fair number of them.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Funny Signs
Snappy title eh? But that's exactly what these are. Funny signs that are supposedly real.
I love this kind of stuff almost as much as those crazy product warning labels that we were doing a little while ago.
Sign In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
From the safety information card in an America WestAirline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
I love this kind of stuff almost as much as those crazy product warning labels that we were doing a little while ago.
Sign In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
From the safety information card in an America WestAirline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
Stupid Jokes Crack Me Up Sometimes
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Explain This One to Me
Why is it that the people who need the most help get the screw? If you're ill and go to see your doctor, although they may take a while to figure out what you've got, there's a set of straightforward things they'll do to figure it out, and if you have a good one, they won't stop until they figure it out. And if you're not happy, you can get a second opinion. There are things you can do.
But as soon as the help you need is psychiatric, well then forget simplicity. You have to crawl through mount red tape to get help. First you have to tell your family doctor so that you can even see a psychiatrist. The doctor gets skiddish and half the time doesn't even want to deal with it. They'd rather deal with wounds they can see. If you manage to convince them that you do have a problem and should see a psychiatrist, sometimes they won't even refer you for months, and when you try and see some psychiatrists, you need a god damn referral from somewhere else besides the doctor! Hellooo! Psychiatrists aren't a dime a dozen!
Then when you finally do get to a psychiatrist and tell them everything, they try to shove you out the door, hand you pills and say "Have a nice day." If you have concerns, good luck getting an ear, even though they're kind of the only person who can talk to you about them. When you ask about counseling, they say it's not their department. Not their department? Then who in the blue bloody hell's department is it, and send me there right now! I know a psychiatrist's primary role is to prescribe drugs, but they should at the very least be able to refer you! For the love of God these people don't just have a cough and need a pill. They need help! And it's complicated! To rush someone out the door as if their stuff doesn't matter, well, what do you think that does, Sparticus? I just can't believe when a psychiatrist's profession is to deal with the mind, that they'd be that cold and uncaring. But apparently they are.
And on top of that, it seems like to get anywhere, you have to know some kind of code. I know that's the way it is with medicine too, but it seems almost worse that people who are having problems that can be pretty scary that no one else can physically see have to learn some kind of doctorese to get what they need. If you've got a tumour, sure it's scary, but the doctor isn't going to try and tell you it doesn't exist.
And this is why nobody, or not nearly enough people, can get the help they need. We've got people running around with depression, bipolar, and who knows what else, suffering in secret and in silence, because that's easier than dealing with the system. If that's the kind of system we have, isn't it time for an overhall?
But as soon as the help you need is psychiatric, well then forget simplicity. You have to crawl through mount red tape to get help. First you have to tell your family doctor so that you can even see a psychiatrist. The doctor gets skiddish and half the time doesn't even want to deal with it. They'd rather deal with wounds they can see. If you manage to convince them that you do have a problem and should see a psychiatrist, sometimes they won't even refer you for months, and when you try and see some psychiatrists, you need a god damn referral from somewhere else besides the doctor! Hellooo! Psychiatrists aren't a dime a dozen!
Then when you finally do get to a psychiatrist and tell them everything, they try to shove you out the door, hand you pills and say "Have a nice day." If you have concerns, good luck getting an ear, even though they're kind of the only person who can talk to you about them. When you ask about counseling, they say it's not their department. Not their department? Then who in the blue bloody hell's department is it, and send me there right now! I know a psychiatrist's primary role is to prescribe drugs, but they should at the very least be able to refer you! For the love of God these people don't just have a cough and need a pill. They need help! And it's complicated! To rush someone out the door as if their stuff doesn't matter, well, what do you think that does, Sparticus? I just can't believe when a psychiatrist's profession is to deal with the mind, that they'd be that cold and uncaring. But apparently they are.
And on top of that, it seems like to get anywhere, you have to know some kind of code. I know that's the way it is with medicine too, but it seems almost worse that people who are having problems that can be pretty scary that no one else can physically see have to learn some kind of doctorese to get what they need. If you've got a tumour, sure it's scary, but the doctor isn't going to try and tell you it doesn't exist.
And this is why nobody, or not nearly enough people, can get the help they need. We've got people running around with depression, bipolar, and who knows what else, suffering in secret and in silence, because that's easier than dealing with the system. If that's the kind of system we have, isn't it time for an overhall?
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Common Sense Horoscopes
I wish I knew who wrote this, it's hilarious.
Common sense horoscope
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Using words may help you communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids sewn shut. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Don't leave your money lying out where bad people can steal it. Eating food may supply much-needed nutrients. Resist an urge to defecate on your evening meal.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Unprotected sex with people who have AIDS could have unhealthy consequences. You may regret incinerating your prize possessions. Don't wink at psycopaths.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A loved one advises you to wear protective eyegear while brandishing an acetylene torch. Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate moment.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A job could provide a useful source of income. Resist an impulse to curse out your employer. Cooperation on a key project is more effective than backstabbing.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Avoid pointing a loaded weapon at your head while cleaning it this evening. Loved ones may not appreciate suggestions that they are stupid.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don't trust strangers who offer to take your money and double it. Regular breathing may help provide oxygen to the brain. Consider sleeping tonight.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are wise not to taunt a surly motorcycle gang. Consuming a fifth of Jack Daniels could lead to trouble. Refrain from peeing in public today.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Avoid smashing other vehicles when driving today. An authority figure prohibits you from going 145 mph. Using the steering wheel will help get you where you want to go.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A puppy may make a better pet than even the most amiable scorpion. Reaching into boiling water could be painful. Kindness is preferable to manslaughter.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Apply sunscreen when lying motionless on the beach for more than 8 hours. Too much liposuction may lead to complications. Going to the bathroom may aid your digestion.
Common sense horoscope
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Using words may help you communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids sewn shut. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Don't leave your money lying out where bad people can steal it. Eating food may supply much-needed nutrients. Resist an urge to defecate on your evening meal.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Unprotected sex with people who have AIDS could have unhealthy consequences. You may regret incinerating your prize possessions. Don't wink at psycopaths.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A loved one advises you to wear protective eyegear while brandishing an acetylene torch. Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate moment.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A job could provide a useful source of income. Resist an impulse to curse out your employer. Cooperation on a key project is more effective than backstabbing.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Avoid pointing a loaded weapon at your head while cleaning it this evening. Loved ones may not appreciate suggestions that they are stupid.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don't trust strangers who offer to take your money and double it. Regular breathing may help provide oxygen to the brain. Consider sleeping tonight.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are wise not to taunt a surly motorcycle gang. Consuming a fifth of Jack Daniels could lead to trouble. Refrain from peeing in public today.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Avoid smashing other vehicles when driving today. An authority figure prohibits you from going 145 mph. Using the steering wheel will help get you where you want to go.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A puppy may make a better pet than even the most amiable scorpion. Reaching into boiling water could be painful. Kindness is preferable to manslaughter.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Apply sunscreen when lying motionless on the beach for more than 8 hours. Too much liposuction may lead to complications. Going to the bathroom may aid your digestion.
Isn't It Ironic?
No, I'm not talking about Alanis. This is actually something that is a real irony. I had the TV on the other day, and an ad came on for American Idol, and they always play a bit of the, um, do I dare call it theme music? Theme yes, music? I guess in the purest of technical senses, it's music. But it is the absolute most pathetic excuse for a song I've ever heard. I just think it's damn funny that a show designed to showcase musical talent, once you've weeded out all the people who suck, has a theme song that is worse than any of the candidates could possibly ever try to be? Come on, give me a song with more to it than two notes. Oh, maybe 4 or five if you count that slidy thing it does. And the worst part is they play it all the damn time! In the ads, before and after every commercial break if you choose to subject yourself to the show, and it's even used on Canadian Idol! Are they trying to drive the point home that music is dying? Point taken!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Somebody Stop These British Criminal Monsters
This is the best idea I've heard in a while. I hope more stories come out with updates on how it goes.
As US coast-to-coast crimewaves go, it is not in the league of Bonnie and Clyde. It lacks both violence and avarice and is further hindered by an overabundance of pre-publicity.
Undeterred, a couple of students from Cornwall are intent on making American criminal history by spending their summer breaking as many US laws as possible.
Starting in the liberal state of California, they hope to evade the attention of local police officers when they ride a bike in a swimming pool and curse on a crazy-golf course.
In the far more conservative - and landlocked - state of Utah, they will risk the penitentiary when they hire a boat and attempt to go whale-hunting.
If they manage to outwit state troopers in Utah, and perhaps federal agents on their trail, they will be able to take a deserved, but nevertheless illegal, rest when they have a nap in a cheese factory in South Dakota.
"There are thousands of stupid laws in the United States, but we are limiting ourselves to breaking about 45 of them," said Richard Smith, from Portreath, Cornwall.
The journey, which appropriately enough begins in Alcatraz, will cover around 18,000 miles and take eight weeks - provided, of course, that Mr Smith and his accomplice, Luke Bateman, are not apprehended along the way.
Mr Smith got the idea for his transatlantic crime wave while playing a board game called Balderdash with his 12-year-old neighbour. One of the game's questions asks players to complete the phrase: "It is illegal in Florida for a widow to ... "
The answer is to parachute on a Sunday. However, as he is not female and has not lost a husband, Mr Smith will be un able to pay homage to his inspiration. Still, there are many more laws to choose from.
"I looked on various websites, one in particular called dumblaws.com, and found loads of stupid laws. Some of them there are outmoded reasons for, others just seem to be ridiculous, like banning whale-hunting in a landlocked state," he said.
Mr Smith has made some preparations for his criminality - although he thinks the cheese factory owner in South Dakota wasn't taking him entirely seriously - but in other states he admits there will be difficulties in transgressing the law.
"Driving round the town square 100 times in Oxford, Mississippi, is going to take for ever because there are no roundabouts," he said. "And I'm rubbish at walking on my hands so crossing the street in Hartford, Connecticut, while walking on them is going to be very difficult."
He is attempting to negotiate a book deal, which could help pay any fines he incurs.
As US coast-to-coast crimewaves go, it is not in the league of Bonnie and Clyde. It lacks both violence and avarice and is further hindered by an overabundance of pre-publicity.
Undeterred, a couple of students from Cornwall are intent on making American criminal history by spending their summer breaking as many US laws as possible.
Starting in the liberal state of California, they hope to evade the attention of local police officers when they ride a bike in a swimming pool and curse on a crazy-golf course.
In the far more conservative - and landlocked - state of Utah, they will risk the penitentiary when they hire a boat and attempt to go whale-hunting.
If they manage to outwit state troopers in Utah, and perhaps federal agents on their trail, they will be able to take a deserved, but nevertheless illegal, rest when they have a nap in a cheese factory in South Dakota.
"There are thousands of stupid laws in the United States, but we are limiting ourselves to breaking about 45 of them," said Richard Smith, from Portreath, Cornwall.
The journey, which appropriately enough begins in Alcatraz, will cover around 18,000 miles and take eight weeks - provided, of course, that Mr Smith and his accomplice, Luke Bateman, are not apprehended along the way.
Mr Smith got the idea for his transatlantic crime wave while playing a board game called Balderdash with his 12-year-old neighbour. One of the game's questions asks players to complete the phrase: "It is illegal in Florida for a widow to ... "
The answer is to parachute on a Sunday. However, as he is not female and has not lost a husband, Mr Smith will be un able to pay homage to his inspiration. Still, there are many more laws to choose from.
"I looked on various websites, one in particular called dumblaws.com, and found loads of stupid laws. Some of them there are outmoded reasons for, others just seem to be ridiculous, like banning whale-hunting in a landlocked state," he said.
Mr Smith has made some preparations for his criminality - although he thinks the cheese factory owner in South Dakota wasn't taking him entirely seriously - but in other states he admits there will be difficulties in transgressing the law.
"Driving round the town square 100 times in Oxford, Mississippi, is going to take for ever because there are no roundabouts," he said. "And I'm rubbish at walking on my hands so crossing the street in Hartford, Connecticut, while walking on them is going to be very difficult."
He is attempting to negotiate a book deal, which could help pay any fines he incurs.
You Are Here
I really need to come up with an official name for this bit. If anybody has one, feel free to suggest it either on the comment boards or by email.
It's been a long time and a few people have asked about it so it's time once again to make fun of people and the things they search for.
People who have been coming to this site for a while and people who have scanned the archives will already know what this is all about but for the benefit of any newcomers I'll quickly explain the deal here. Our site tracking program, the thing that tells us how many people waste some of their time coming here, keeps track of search terms that get people to the site. Some of them are your normal everyday stuff, but others...not so much. So this is the part of the show where I pick through everything in search of the not so much and post it here for the rest of us to laugh at. So with that out of the way, here for your enjoyment and possible shame, is the latest batch of whatever the hell you wanna call this.
12 Feb, Sat, 17:46:19
Yahoo:
randy orton'penis
Sorry, never heard of him. But while we're talking about him, who the hell gives their kid a name with an apostrophe in it?
13 Feb, Sun, 08:07:57
Yahoo:
0ld fat midgets fucking
Ok, it's time for Steve to go off on a mini-rant.
How hard is it to type a goddamm letter O? It seems to me that it's actually easier than typing a 0 where the O should go since to hit the 0 you have to reach up higher than you would if you were to, oh I dunno, spell correctly and write like somebody with what could pass for a brain.
And before you give me that "oh Steve, it's hackerspeak and the guy's not an idiot" crap, let me just say this. If the guy's not stupid, then how did he fail to notice that most of the internet isn't written that way? And why didn't he have the smarts to figure out that he'd most likely have better luck finding his copulating midgets if he used proper English?
Kids today. they can Spam the bejesus out of you and infect you with a virus in about 15 seconds, but they can't write a goddamn coherent sentence. It's pathetic.
Ok, rant over, or as those so-called "trendy" assholes would say, /rant
17 Feb, Thu, 15:59:12
Yahoo:
www.fat bitchs.com
I'm scratching my head trying to figure out why somebody would take the time to go to a search engine and type that in when he or she could just as easily type the address and just try to go there and see if it works. Why would you search out somebody else to let you know if that site exists or not? But since people seem to need that little bit of help, for future reference, it does if you lose the space. That's me, always willing to go that extra mile.
20 Feb, Sun, 01:01:02
Yahoo:
john cena pictures that will make you want to masterbate
First I'll ask the obvious question. How does one go about masterbating? And while we're on the subject, does John Cena even like fishing?
Now I'll pretend that this person isn't a complete retard and that he or hopefully she meant to write masturbate. This whole thing is a bit subjective don't you think? I mean wouldn't it depend on who you talked to, which would mean that potentially, every picture could get a different reaction from each person you asked? And if yes, how could there ever be an official archive of wackworthy Cena photos?
Did I really just spend that much time thinking about this? Let's move on.
27 Feb, Sun, 20:12:43
Yahoo:
URINATING IN APARTMENT STAIRWELLS
I have nothing of any importance to say about this, but I am wondering if that search has anything to do with this one.
17 Feb, Thu, 09:57:46
Yahoo:
getting vomit smell out of cars
If they are somehow related, that must have been one hell of a party, and one bitch of a hangover.
But here now, since like I've already said, I'm all about going the extra mile to help out the needy, is Steve's step by step guide to getting that pesky puke smell out of your car.
1. Gather together the following items:
1 puke smelling car
1 lighter
1 willing accomplice
1 getaway vehicle
1 very sharp object, such as an icepick for example.
2. Take all items to a safe place, preferably an open area far from civilization where you won't be noticed.
3. Use sharp object to poke a hole in the puke car's gas tank.
4. Using the lighter, ignite car.
5. Get into getaway vehicle and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.
6. File insurance claim on the *accidentally* destroyed car.
7. Collect settlement.
8. Buy new car.
DISCLAIMER
I provide this information in the hopes that before you follow steps 1 through 8 you have taken into consideration the real step 1, that being make sure that the car is insured before following any further instructions.
I also will not and cannot be held responsible for any unintended consequences that may arise during or after your carrying out of this procedure, because in short, your stupidity is not my problem.
Best of luck to you and enjoy your new wheels.
And with that, we're all done.
Remember, if you can think of a good name for this bit, I'd love to hear it so feel free to leave one in the comments section or in my trusty email inbox.
Until we meet again, this is Steve saying something sort of catchy or funny that I can't think of right now. Seriously, I'm actually saying that.
It's been a long time and a few people have asked about it so it's time once again to make fun of people and the things they search for.
People who have been coming to this site for a while and people who have scanned the archives will already know what this is all about but for the benefit of any newcomers I'll quickly explain the deal here. Our site tracking program, the thing that tells us how many people waste some of their time coming here, keeps track of search terms that get people to the site. Some of them are your normal everyday stuff, but others...not so much. So this is the part of the show where I pick through everything in search of the not so much and post it here for the rest of us to laugh at. So with that out of the way, here for your enjoyment and possible shame, is the latest batch of whatever the hell you wanna call this.
12 Feb, Sat, 17:46:19
Yahoo:
randy orton'penis
Sorry, never heard of him. But while we're talking about him, who the hell gives their kid a name with an apostrophe in it?
13 Feb, Sun, 08:07:57
Yahoo:
0ld fat midgets fucking
Ok, it's time for Steve to go off on a mini-rant.
How hard is it to type a goddamm letter O? It seems to me that it's actually easier than typing a 0 where the O should go since to hit the 0 you have to reach up higher than you would if you were to, oh I dunno, spell correctly and write like somebody with what could pass for a brain.
And before you give me that "oh Steve, it's hackerspeak and the guy's not an idiot" crap, let me just say this. If the guy's not stupid, then how did he fail to notice that most of the internet isn't written that way? And why didn't he have the smarts to figure out that he'd most likely have better luck finding his copulating midgets if he used proper English?
Kids today. they can Spam the bejesus out of you and infect you with a virus in about 15 seconds, but they can't write a goddamn coherent sentence. It's pathetic.
Ok, rant over, or as those so-called "trendy" assholes would say, /rant
17 Feb, Thu, 15:59:12
Yahoo:
www.fat bitchs.com
I'm scratching my head trying to figure out why somebody would take the time to go to a search engine and type that in when he or she could just as easily type the address and just try to go there and see if it works. Why would you search out somebody else to let you know if that site exists or not? But since people seem to need that little bit of help, for future reference, it does if you lose the space. That's me, always willing to go that extra mile.
20 Feb, Sun, 01:01:02
Yahoo:
john cena pictures that will make you want to masterbate
First I'll ask the obvious question. How does one go about masterbating? And while we're on the subject, does John Cena even like fishing?
Now I'll pretend that this person isn't a complete retard and that he or hopefully she meant to write masturbate. This whole thing is a bit subjective don't you think? I mean wouldn't it depend on who you talked to, which would mean that potentially, every picture could get a different reaction from each person you asked? And if yes, how could there ever be an official archive of wackworthy Cena photos?
Did I really just spend that much time thinking about this? Let's move on.
27 Feb, Sun, 20:12:43
Yahoo:
URINATING IN APARTMENT STAIRWELLS
I have nothing of any importance to say about this, but I am wondering if that search has anything to do with this one.
17 Feb, Thu, 09:57:46
Yahoo:
getting vomit smell out of cars
If they are somehow related, that must have been one hell of a party, and one bitch of a hangover.
But here now, since like I've already said, I'm all about going the extra mile to help out the needy, is Steve's step by step guide to getting that pesky puke smell out of your car.
1. Gather together the following items:
1 puke smelling car
1 lighter
1 willing accomplice
1 getaway vehicle
1 very sharp object, such as an icepick for example.
2. Take all items to a safe place, preferably an open area far from civilization where you won't be noticed.
3. Use sharp object to poke a hole in the puke car's gas tank.
4. Using the lighter, ignite car.
5. Get into getaway vehicle and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.
6. File insurance claim on the *accidentally* destroyed car.
7. Collect settlement.
8. Buy new car.
DISCLAIMER
I provide this information in the hopes that before you follow steps 1 through 8 you have taken into consideration the real step 1, that being make sure that the car is insured before following any further instructions.
I also will not and cannot be held responsible for any unintended consequences that may arise during or after your carrying out of this procedure, because in short, your stupidity is not my problem.
Best of luck to you and enjoy your new wheels.
And with that, we're all done.
Remember, if you can think of a good name for this bit, I'd love to hear it so feel free to leave one in the comments section or in my trusty email inbox.
Until we meet again, this is Steve saying something sort of catchy or funny that I can't think of right now. Seriously, I'm actually saying that.
A Bit Of A Warning
I'm not sure how many of you use the Next Blog link that's near the top of this site and most other blogs, but I thought that
this article
was worth mentioning anyway.
It seems that people have found a way to slip spyware into blogs that use certain features and as a result, people have been getting hit with some pretty nasty infections while surfing around.
To the best of my knowledge this site is perfectly safe, but when you click the Next Blog link you never know where you're going to end up or what you'll find there so while the odds of you getting hit with something aren't really that great, there is a chance that you might pick up something that you really don't want. So I'll throw out the standard don't be a retard and run a computer without up to date spyware protection and anti-virus software on it, tell you to be careful and use common sense when clicking on links and leave it at that.
Have fun and stay safe.
this article
was worth mentioning anyway.
It seems that people have found a way to slip spyware into blogs that use certain features and as a result, people have been getting hit with some pretty nasty infections while surfing around.
To the best of my knowledge this site is perfectly safe, but when you click the Next Blog link you never know where you're going to end up or what you'll find there so while the odds of you getting hit with something aren't really that great, there is a chance that you might pick up something that you really don't want. So I'll throw out the standard don't be a retard and run a computer without up to date spyware protection and anti-virus software on it, tell you to be careful and use common sense when clicking on links and leave it at that.
Have fun and stay safe.
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