Finally, Some Positive Black Friday News

Thanks to the Borowitz Report for reminding us that not all Black Friday news has to be bad news.

“We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the mend,” said Davis Logsdon, chairman of the economics department at the University of Minnesota. “When people resort to homicide to buy a Blu-ray player, that is very, very good news indeed.”

Mr. Logsdon said he was “impressed” by the lengths to which some Walmart customers were going to grab coveted sale items: “They’re using tactics we usually associate with the UC-Davis police.”

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Mr. Logsdon advised Americans not to enter a Walmart unarmed.

Read the full story: In Positive Economic Sign, Walmart Customers Killing Each Other to Buy Shit

City Of Guelph Backs Down, Does What It Should Have Done In The First Place

Update: Updating to correct a massive oversight on my part. How could I have forgotten this?

Ahh, much better.

Whether it's due to somebody taking the time to explain what a joke is to them or because bad press isn't good for future election prospects, the city of Guelph has decided to do what should have been done in the first place and not sue the business owner who wrote the Three Stooges email or the newspaper that reported on it.

“The City of Guelph will not be proceeding with litigation,” Mayor Karen Farbridge wrote in an email to Marc Black, owner of Hempire on Carden Street, where large-scale construction projects have choked off traffic and weakened business much of the past five years.

The mayor later confirmed in an email to the Mercury the city has also dropped the idea of proceeding legally against the Guelph Mercury newspaper.

Farbridge even offered to put together a meeting between Black and Don Kudo, the city planner named as head stooge in the offending message. Black said he would take the meeting and likely apologize for doing what he did. I still personally maintain that he shouldn't have to, but hey, if they can make nice without unnecessary lawsuits, I'm all for that.

But all is still not well. The city's chief administrative officer Hans Loewig, not knowing when to leave well enough alone and apparently having missed it's a joke/good press and doing the right thing class, still felt the need to drop another dose of butthurt whiner on the poor guy.

Black was less impressed by a subsequent, “less amicable” email from Guelph's chief administrative officer Hans Loewig. In the email copied to other members of the downtown business community, Loewig accused Black of defamation, libel and slander before decreeing the city would not sue him. In an emailed response to questions from the Mercury, Farbridge confirmed it was Loewig, as chief administrator, who initiated the libel notice.

Why do I get the sense that Loewig was told, in a much nicer way, to shut up stupid, would ya please? That section reads like he was ordered to do the sensible thing, had sour grapes about it and felt the need to get in his one last shot.

At any rate, hopefully the Mayor can reign in the stupid and everybody can start getting along and get these projects finished without much more hardship being visited upon small businesses that are just trying to scratch out a living.

Speaking of Carden Street, don't forget to flash some cash down there this afternoon, or at your earliest convenience. They could really use it.

The Stop Making Us Cry Department Is The Most Efficient One In Guelph

Update: Here's a video report from CTV News. Guess what, the city comes off just as ridiculous and out of line on film as it did in print. And I must say, the Rasos cranking up themusical protest again brings me great joy.

You know what I'd love? For people to stop using their legal departments to slap folks with libel notices because some obvious satire hit a little too close to home. Yes, city of Guelph, I'm looking at you.

GUELPH — The city has threatened legal action against a Carden Street merchant and the Guelph Mercury over a recent email comparing city staff to the Three Stooges.

Libel notices were received Wednesday at the Mercury office and by Marc Black, owner of the Hempire store.

The notices refer to an email Black sent Saturday morning, which included a photo of the famed comedy trio and a suggestion it depicted a specific city manager and “his expert team of planners” working on Carden Street construction projects.

The email was sent to members of city council, a couple of city staff members – including the named manager – and a handful of downtown business, including the Mercury.

Really, that's all this guy did. And considering what's been going on down on Carden street and for how long, they're lucky that's all he did. Businesses are getting killed downtown and it seems like almost nobody wants to help them. Are the project managers intentionally trying to turn this into a giant clusterfuck? My guess is no, but that doesn't mean those most impacted by what's happening and the lack of communication from city hall about it aren't allowed to feel that way and say as much. Hey, he was even creative and lighthearted about it. Nobody's life was threatened and nobody went to anyone's house to read a threatening letter as has happened in other situations. The only thing that was threatened is somebody's poor wittle feewings, and that's not why most of us in this town pay taxes to keep lawyers on staff.

I love Guelph as it is, but man, just think of how much better things could be here if the folks in charge were as quick to work on real solutions to real problems as they are to lay the smack down on some poor bastard with a legitimate gripe.

Grab That Box And Spin It!

Sorry for turning this place into election central lately, but elections are important. Besides, there are certain scoops that just cannot, under any circumstances, be passed up. For instance...

The Globe and Mail sure is on top of things. NO wonder it has the kind of credibility and respect it does. Afterthis week's ballot box grabbing incident,the Globe's Robert Silver worked some connections and got his hands on the talking points the Conservatives plan to use to spin the issue.give them a read, they really are fascinating.

Surrounded By April Fools

I always knew that lots of April Fools entries get put up on news sites and blogs and stuff, but I guess I never went looking for them. Now that I'm on Twitter, they come to me, and boy were there a lot of them to do with blindness-related sites this year.

There were two that made me laugh the hardest, though. Serotek's announcement of making a notetaker was pretty funny. Rusty Metals, eh? Thankfully, nobody took that one seriously, at least I don't think so. The best part of that one was the telnet address they referenced, um, actually worked! Now that's an elaborate April Fool.

This one killed me for two reasons. First, the idea of glasses designed to alert blind folks of obnoxious people approaching is awesome. But some people actually believed it was true! Come on, that one was obvious, although there have been times I have wished for just such a device while trying to get rid of someone who just won't leave me alone! Haven't we all?

And the third one I didn't even read, but I saw it horked up on a couple lists as the honest truth. Funnily enough, the person who put it up just finished berating someone else for falling for the dork recognition glasses. It says here that Freedom Scientific Acquired Blind Access Journal. Yeah, like that would ever happen. But people were all "Think of the possibilities! The podcasts! Oooo oooo oooo!" No, check your calendar, folks.

I fell for one April Fools joke. One. I was reading through my tweets before I took Trix outside and saw one that said "Look at all the snow!" I just started writing a tyrade of "I'm sooo gonna cry..." when I remembered what day it was. Somebody else made a damn good try at an April Fools joke, but I just couldn't be convinced. But it did make me wonder what if? I was glad I was right.

Has everybody always been so big into the April Fools jokes, or is this an extra special year? Have I just not noticed?

I Want A New Drug

I have no idea what sort of drugs Jon Lajoie was on when he came up withthis,but if one of them happened to be Retaphin, sign me up...maybe.

Fake Pop

I have to wonder if the people at The Onion knew aboutthe case of Popbefore they wrotethis.If not, I'll tell them now.

The Double Double Down

Once KFC brought the Double Down to Canada, you had to know it would only be a matter of time before our domestic restaurant chains started creating their own answers to it.

First out of the gate appears to be Tim Hortons, who have created what they're calling the Double Double Down. I don't think it's officially launched yet, but there's already acommercialfor it, so I'd expect to be able to order one any day now.

Not sure about you guys, but I know I'm totally hungry after watching that.

This video comes fromThis Hour Has 22 Minutes,possibly the funniest show on TV. If there's one funnier out there these days, I haven't seen it.

Congratulations, A-Rod!

A-Rod Finally Leads Rangers To World Series

Enjoy the game tonight, and go Giants!

Sign Me Up!

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook
Allows User to Call Friends, Speak to Them

Smoke In The Dreamscape

Steve sent me this onion story describing a dream, but written like a news report, and we couldn't decide which one of us had dreams more similar to that. Steve never posts about his dreams, but does he ever have some doozers sometimes, and I always ask him to post 'em. The eggplant in the teacher's jacket and the exploding thermometers made me think of Steve's dreams.

I couldn't help but wonder if when Brian Jensen woke up, his house was on fire.

What The Hell Is A Foursquare Anyway

New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It
Let Someone Else Report On This Bullshit

NEW YORK—While millions of young, tech-savvy professionals already use services like Facebook and Twitter to keep in constant touch with friends, a new social networking platform called Foursquare has recently taken the oh, fucking hell, can't some other desperate news outlet cover this crap instead?

Launched last year, Foursquare is unique in that it not only allows users to broadcast their whereabouts, but also offers a number of built-in incentives, including some innovative new crap The New York Times surely has a throbbing hard-on for.

In fact, why don't we just let them report on this garbage and call it a day?

"Foursquare is a little bit of everything—a friend-finder, a local city guide, an interactive mobile game," said company cofounder Dennis Crowley, as if reading from the same tired script used by every one of these Web 2.0 or whatever-the-fuck-they're-called startups. "But more than that, Foursquare is an [endless string of meaningless buzzwords we just couldn't bring ourselves to transcribe]."

Added Crowley, "[Who gives a shit]."

I Think This Is The Template For Every Dumbshit Stands In Line To Buy Something Stupid Article Ever Written

New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable

Able to remain operational for longer periods of time and occupy a demonstrably smaller three-dimensional space, the new device is so advanced when compared to the old device that it makes the old device appear much older than it actually is. However, the new device is reportedly not so radically different as to cause confusion or unwanted anxiety among those familiar with the feel of the old device.

"Its higher price indicates to me that it is superior, and that not everyone will be able to afford it, which only makes me want to possess it more," said Tim Sturges, owner of the old device, which he obtained 18 months ago when it was still the new device. "I feel a strong urge to purchase the new device. Owning the new device will please me and improve my daily life."

"It's difficult to remember how I ever found enjoyment in my old device," Sturges continued. "It is no longer appealing to the eye."

Am I the only one who reads this and hears the voice from aVestibulessketch in my head?

In Heaven There Are No Pets?

Oh boy. We've talked before about that service that promised to send information to specified people post-rapture. Now, Ann Adams let me know of a company promissing to save your pets if you get scooped up to heaven.

What I can't figure out is, if I am to believe they plan to provide this service, how they can propose to take care of your pet if you pay them $110. That seems like a bargain, almost too much so. That would only buy a couple of bags of dog food. Then what's the plan?

And if Fido and Spot can't come with you, whatever happened to that whole rainbow bridge concept.

Man, people will profit from anything.

Are There No Limits To This Man's Greatness?

Lance Armstrong Inspires Thousands To Come In Third To Cancer

Armstrong's third place finish, coupled with his relentless endeavors to raise awareness of himself as a cancer survivor and role model, have taken him almost overnight from one survivor among many to a living symbol of a man who only lets two things beat him. To many cancer patients seeking guidance and inspiration, he has become the new bronze standard.

"Lance Armstrong has never missed a chance to stand up and tell cancer patients everywhere to follow his example, and seeing him there on the bottom step of the podium sent us all a powerful message," 42-year-old Brian Goodwood, who was diagnosed with colon cancer last year, said Sunday. "If third is the best he can do, then I know Lance would want me to do it too."

Goodwood succumbed to a combination of cancer and complications from chemotherapy Tuesday morning.

PETW

Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women

Another Episode of It's A Joke, Guys!

I think I'm going to right Barbara Mikkelson and congratulate her on finally digesting the numbnuts who thought the piece of obvious satire I'm about to show you was real. Usually, she is extraordinarily gentle with the dorks she has to deal with on a daily basis. I'm also going to ask her how many of them she wanted to personally strangle. Here it is, in all its glory.

What a GREAT IDEA!!!

Washington, DC — June 11, 2009

Congress today announced, that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India, as of September 1, 2009.

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for IndusTeleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

"I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his 'special' smile.

Now, upon reading that, did you think for a second that it was real? I hope to hell not. If I wasn't reading this on Snopes,I would have chuckled at points. But because it had to be posted in order to tell people it was a joke, I felt so sad and angry. People, think. Please please think.

Good Luck

Brilliant Scientist Trying To Get Word Out About Penis-Enlargement Breakthrough

Well, Glad That's Sorted

Investigators Determine Air France Disaster Caused By Plane Crash

French and Brazilian authorities said their first hint that the tragedy was caused by a plane crash came last week, when divers recovered several large metal fragments from Air France Flight 447 that were not fused together in one solid mass, as is typical of a functioning aircraft. The fragments were
then analyzed and found not to be airborne or otherwise soaring intact across the sky. The final clue, they said, was that certain key features of the crash site in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean seemed to be consistent with a huge commercial airliner having crashed there.

The discovery of deceased Flight 447 passengers further supported the so-called "plane crash" theory, as investigators claimed these men and women would most likely have already arrived in Paris had the Airbus jet not gone down.

While the aircraft's black box has yet to be recovered, officials speculated that the simple fact that they are currently searching for it corroborates their theory of a plane crash.

"It took us a long time to figure out exactly what led to this unspeakable event," said Brazilian aviation expert Federico Lobão, who spent countless hours carefully studying footage of the wreckage. "Never could we have imagined that something like a plane crash could be behind such a catastrophic plane crash."

Somebody's Got To Do Something!

World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent

Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities worldwide, the condition has no cure.