Friday, February 29, 2008

I Have To Bring This Up...

I have two questions. The first is why haven't we asked the second one before now. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's ask the big question.

For years, we have gotten searches for "how to vomit," "how to make yourself vomit," "How do you vomit?" Is ralphing really that confusing a concept? Are there that many people who don't know how to puke? It's a pretty basic biological act. I think if you need to do the juicy giggle, your body will show you how, and quickly. Asking how to vomit is like asking how to breathe. If you don't know how, well, you wouldn't be still alive.

I guess, sadly, it's probably bulimics trying to figure out how to purge, but when they ask the question like "how to vomit?" That just makes it sound like they have no earthly clue how to hurl. But we've gotten those searches for years, probably for as long as the comet existed. That's just disturbing.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Alright Gentlemen, Put Your Hands Together For Busted!

I'm not posting
this
because I find it odd that somebody would go as far as faking a carjacking to try to keep out of trouble even though I've never understood doing that because it never works, I'm posting this because the idea of a 27-year-old stripper doing so because she lives with her parents and didn't want to catch hell for missing curfew is just too fucking weird to ignore.

Today's Dose Of Hahahahahaha!

Ok, the way I thought things happened was if you worked hard at something, it paid off. But that certainly didn't happen for this guy who hated seatbelts. He went to all the trouble of rigging up something to make it look like he was wearing a seatbelt. What happened to him? He died in a low-impact crash when his body was slammed into the steering wheel. If only he'd have been wearing a seatbelt, he would still be alive.

Honestly, what was so bad about having a seatbelt on? Why go to all the trouble of rigging up something that made it look like he was wearing one? Why not just put the damn thing on? Was it so uncomfortable that it was worth dying for?

What If People Treated Cars Like Computers?

This sounds ridiculously similar to a lot of the people Carin and I help out with their computers.

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't treat cars like they do computers. But, imagine if they did....

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted it to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!"
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

So You Expect Us To Believe What?

Ok, let's meet Neil Jorgensen, a man who can't seem to stop contradicting himself, and providing material for the What the Fuck Department.

After a year's worth of good work at a casino near Iowa City, he got a gift certificate to stay there. So he did, and tried to get a hooker because, um, he thought he was in Las Vegas, so he could get one. He caused so much trouble that he was fired from his job, and he thinks that's unfair.

Is it normal for people in Las Vegas to answer their doors in the nude? He never clarifies that. He only says the attempt to get a prostitute was actually some kind of off the wall surveillance project. But it's the restaurant's fault he did this because they gave him too much booze. No, it was surveillance! But here's the weirdest statement in the whole article. Jorgensen says he "was absolutely plowed." Um, what does that even mean?

Needless to say, he didn't convince anyone that he should get unemployment benefits.

Smoky Thinking

Can someone tell me something? Why on earth would you a. clean your hands with gasoline and b. leave the can of gas on your stove? Ya know, with an open flame? The trailer, which the Pompano beach woman had just finished painting, is now gone, but luckily she got out with only minor burns.

In a similar vein, tell me why you would torch weeds in your yard next to your wood-framed house. I'm sure the weeds are still growing, but the house is much smaller now, missing the back part and sporting a collapsed roof. Honestly, in a dry place like Arizona, wouldn't it be safer to stick to chemical weed-killers?

And why, why, why why why why why, would you use a torch to thaw frozen pipes, especially if you're a landlord? That's a hard lesson that landlord won't soon forget.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Trixie The Barometer

Ooo! As I write this, I realize this is post no. 2000! Wow. It took us 4 years and a bit to get here, but here we are.

Anyway, my point wasn't to ramble about the number of posts, but about the Trixter. Maybe I'm just looking for hope to cling to, but I think she can sense spring is coming! I can't really put my finger on what it is about her that makes me think this, but she's been super happy the last few days. She's been wanting to get outside, she's been staring out the window like she used to do in the summer. I really think she thinks it's near.

I know, I know, we just got some more snow. But I'm gonna hope it won't stay long and it'll warm up. Let's hope Trixie is right. She can sense when thunder storms are coming. Let's hope she's got a direct line to the groundhog and has been given a hot tip.

Now that I've said this, I'll have jynxed it. If anyone is reading this and lives in the area and has a dog, is yours doing the same thing? I'm so curious, curious and hopeful. I want spring now!

As an aside, I got her tags renewed yesterday! I know you're probably thinking "So what? Man, you have issues. Why do I come back here?" Well, I never got to do this with Babs, so this feels special. I think I'll keep the old tag as a souvenir.

You Were Looking For Me?

26 Feb, Tue, 12:01:21
Google:
carin short

Were you looking for a Carin Short, or were you just wondering if I was short? I don't know if there's an answer to the first question, but the answer to the second is yes.

Why do I find this search queery so funny? Maybe it's because I was always known as "Carin. Ya know, the short one?" Now I'll really get scared if we start getting searches for carin short blind.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Lots Of Breaking News

Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty
Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man
Armless Fiancée Shows Off Engagement Hat
International Star Registry Accidently Renames Sun 'Margaret'

Weird Science

Here is a
list of 10 of the strangest scientific studies ever done.

Included are such invaluable gems as "The Effect of Country Music on Suicide", "Rectal Foreign Bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the World's Literature", "Safe and Painless Manipulation of Penile Zipper Entrapment", and many more. Ok, 7 more to be exact.

I'm not sure if I'm more amused by the fact that somebody decided to study these things, or that these people were somehow able to obtain grants to do so.

In A Twisted Way It Was Kind Of Meant To Be

Mark R. Hotuyec was arrested last week after being caught naked and masturbating while driving his van beside a school bus full of children from wait for it...wait for it...
Wood View Elementary School.

Well, they certainly got a pretty good one that day.

I Wonder If They Conducted A Sting Operation

Angela Nellany recently pled no contest to charges that she attempted to kill her husband Paul with a can full of wasps. Where did this story appear? That would be
The Modesto Bee,
of course.

I Live In A Bubble

My name is Steve, and I'm a wrestleholic. NO really, it's true. I watch waaaaay waaaay too much of the stuff. I suppose that deep down I've always known it, but today I feel I finally have to face it once and for all.

This morning I woke up to the news that
Mats Sundin has decided not to waive his no-trade clause.
I'm not sure how to feel about that decision just yet. I can kind of see both sides. On the one hand Sundin is one of the best Leafs there has ever been and definitely one of the only guys this year to be a consistently good go to player. Besides, they put it in his contract and it's his right to play where he wants to play. But on the other I can understand the desire to build for the future [especially given the season they've been having], and unloading somebody of his calibre would certainly be a pretty big move in that direction provided they make the right deal.

But back to homeboy's wrestling addiction. I open my eyes, I turn on the news, I hear about Sundin. Almost immediately my mind starts screaming "THEY'RE WORKING YOU! IT'S A SWERVE! They're putting this story out there to throw the media off the trail until a deal is done. Then they'll announce it right at the deadline so it'll be a huge story and a big surprise."

Yes, in my brain Vince Russo is now booking the NHL.

But hey, what if I'm right? Stranger things have happened, and it's not like this would be the first time somebody ever tried to pull something off without the press finding out.

Yeah, I'm probably nuts, but maybe not. Whatever the answer, I guess we'll know tomorrow.

Why Not Just Pull The Bell?

Someone asked a good question on my cellphone-using bus driver post that I thought needed to be answered up here. They wondered why I didn't pull the bell myself. This is because when you're blind, sometimes it's hard to judge the distance and time and know if you're really at the bus stop you think you are, and getting lost, especially in the cold, isn't my favourite pastime. Some blinks are awesome at the whole knowing exactly where they are on a bus route thing , and have no problem pulling the bell at the right spot. I'm not one of those, so I prefer to sit at the front of the bus and ask to be let off at a certain stop.

Does that make sense? I hope it explains that whole thing to a few people who probably think I'm a lazy bastard for not pulling the bell.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Remember back when I mentioned a virtual haircut? Well, that particular barber has moved along, but you can find him here, along with some other oddities. What phantom words do you hear? Which phoneme is cut out by the cough? How do the scales play in your head? And what do you think of that song? The human brain is a wonderful thing.

Strokin'

Barb
tagged me with
the same wacky survey quiz thingie that Carin just did,
so here goes.

1. Put your iTunes, Winamp, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "YOU'RE HOT" YOU SAY?
Trench Town Rock

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR LIFE?
Friend Of Mine

3. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE LONG GOAL?
Outside Now

4. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
What's Going On Here

5. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
State Of The Union

6. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
What We're All About

7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON WHO LIKES YOU?
Sister Sally

8. WHAT DOES YOUR BEST FRIEND ALWAYS SAY TO YOU?
Pretty Vegas

9. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Out Of My Head

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SAYING?
Greensleeves

11. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Starbucks Sucks

12. WHAT WILL BE PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Tear It Up

13. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Rocky Mountain Way

14. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Live Again (The Fall Of Man)

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HOUSE?
I'll Stick Around

16. WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS POST?
Strokin'

Well, considering half the searches we get in our stats, that title's actually pretty fitting.

Don't think I really learned anything about myself, but it was a neat way to waste a couple minutes.

My Doorbell

Barb M wants me to do this, so off I go. I expect this will heartily suck, but who knows? Maybe it will be hillarious.

1. Put your iTunes, Winamp, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "YOU'RE HOT" YOU SAY?
Eat my brain.
2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR LIFE?
Superman
3. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE LONG GOAL?
good mother
4. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Shaggy goes shopping
5. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Golden Slumbers
6. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
te quitter
7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON WHO LIKES YOU?
Soft Wars: The Microsoft Empire
8. WHAT DOES YOUR BEST FRIEND ALWAYS SAY TO YOU?
Dog
9. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I Think I'm A Clone Now
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SAYING?
STP
11. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Sunday Bloody Sunday
12. WHAT WILL BE PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Crossroads
13. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
I Missed The Bus
14. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Date Rape
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HOUSE?
Undone
16. WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS POST?
My Doorbell

I'm amazed I didn't have mor French titles in there. There were some lame ones, but some pretty funny ones, and no, I'm not keeping some date rape secret. I had to say that in case someone got all disturbed or something.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Worst Name Ever?

Now boys and girls, I want you to say hello to your new classmate,
Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.

Bridge To Nowhere

I'm endlessly fascinated when odd things that you'd think would be impossible to steal get stolen. Things like
rollercoasters,
beaches
or in the most recent case
a 4 tonne railway bridge.

The article is hilarious too, written pretty much exactly how I would have written it.

The company which was responsible for looking after the bridge raised the alarm when, ever alert, they noticed that the bridge wasn't there any more.

Martina Hruskova, a spokeswoman for the Czech police, commented to AFP: 'We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value.' Exactly what that 'personal use' might be was left unsaid.


I'm also a big fan of the term "light-fingered bridge enthusiast."

And yes, as has been the case every single goddamn time I see one of these stories, there are no suspects and there have been no arrests.

Playing With Your Head

I never noticed them saying in this article that along with the brain-reading headset, there is a backup controler that uses the old-fashioned hands, because I think you'd need it.

There is no way some game developer has managed to master the reading of thoughts when we can't seem to create devices to do this for people who can't move their arms and legs. There just isn't. psychology and nurology have been trying to pin down what neurons cause what movement and what ones are in control of thoughts for years! How did this developer figure all of this out so fast?

And what sensors are reading thoughts? Last time I checked, we needed to have electrodes at least stuck to a person's head to measure brain activity. Does the player actually have to stick electrodes to his head like he's having an EEG to play?

If it really does work, I cannot even begin to imagine the frustration level a player would have. I think too many things at once, not all of which are about the game I'm playing. I don't think I'm single-minded enough to be able to direct all my thoughts at the game. Would I think about food and my character would try to eat the wall? Would I wonder idly what was on TV, think about swimming I saw the other day, and my character would jump in the water?

And what's with it sensing if you're angry or tense. If you're too angry, does the game shut down?

I really have a hard time believing that this thing even works. If it does, how about we put it to use helping people who can't move their extremities for one reason or another? Let's help them move before we start making Pacman run across a screen.

Murder Me Elmo

I know talking dolls have gone awry before, but when they say your kid's name while doing it, that raises the creepy level just a touch, don't ya think?

Please, please, watch the video! You actually get to hear it saying "Kill? James?"

Something tells me this kid won't be so obsessed with Elmo anymore. Then again, he's climbing over stuff to get the Elmo doll, so maybe he'll love elmo even more, if that's possible. Elmo slippers? Elmo dolls everywhere? I think it's time for James to diversify his toy collection!

Define Anyone, Please

I saw a story all about this woman who keeps getting declared dead by government computers when she's not, and a statement jumped out at me.
after someone dies, Social Security releases that person’s personal information on computer discs. He said the information is sold to anyone who wants it, like the Web site Ancestry.com.
Ok, I understand ancestry.com, but anyone who wants it? So could anyone randomly walk in off the street and ask for a box of dead people data and buy it? That sounds freaky, especially with all the identity thieving that goes on these days.

Friday, February 22, 2008

The Drivers On The Bus Go Bla Bla Bla

Yesterday, I saw something freaky. I saw a bus driver who was so into his cellphone conversation that he didn't notice people calling out for him to stop the bus at a given place. He was so oblivious that when that person calling out for him to stop did manage to get other people to pull the bell, he didn't even notice the person get up and walk towards him yelling "Sir! Sir! Sir!". He finally looked over, and nonchalantly asked if the person wanted the stairs lowered, after the person called out to him three times. That person had a dog! How do you not notice a dog? Well, I guess when you're riveted to your conversation, it's possible. If you haven't guessed it, that person with the dog was me.

It wasn't even a necessary conversation, because as I approached the door, I listened and heard something like "So I said to him..." That does not sound like someone calling 911 to help someone or alerting another driver to a major problem en route. And, he was having this conversation for at least 2 minutes before I got off the bus.

When I finally got his attention, I told him he needed to give greater focus to the task at hand, because I couldn't get him to notice me and had to rely on someone else to pull the bell for me. He didn't say a goddamn word back to me. Not an apology, not an acknowledgement. He was just waiting for me to clam up and get off the bus. I don't think the people who pulled the bell actually expected me to confront him, even though I told them I would.

I'm phoning the city about this guy. Listen, drivers on cellphones. We've covered this before, and I still feel the same about it. You're driving a public bus. Our safety is in your hands. You do not need to be having a long conversation on the cellphone. I don't care how good a driver you think you are. Unexpected situations come up where you have to be paying attention to your surroundings, and believe it or not, when you're on the cellphone, you are severely distracted, as you proved to me yesterday by not hearing me ask 3 times for you to stop at a given stop that we were approaching and failing to notice a passenger coming up behind you yelling "sir! Sir! Sir!" and extending a hand towards you. Had you not stopped, you could have stranded me somewhere in the cold, where pedestrians don't often walk, so you could have endangered me. But this is bigger than me. If you don't notice something going on inside your bus, who knows what you could miss outside the bus? Who knows who you could fail to see slipping in front of your wheels at a corner? Who knows what car you could fail to observe driving in front of you, until it was too late. Get off the goddamn phone!

Birthday Or Death Day?

Damn! That's pretty cool. On the same page that Steve linked to when he found out how likely he was to bite into some friendly flesh, I saw a link where you can find out who died the day you were born. For me,the only person of note who bit the big one that day was Josef Mengele. Sweet! I think I can live with that. It's too bad that 137680 other people, who potentially could have been good people, headed off to that big party in the sky the day I came to this earth.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Tax Dollars Well Spent


Federal minister apologizes for joke he's not sure he told

Federal Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn has apologized for a joke he's not sure he made, responding to a complaint from a politician who didn't hear it.

Joan Burke, Newfoundland and Labrador's education minister, demanded Hearn apologize Wednesday for telling what she called a sexist joke at a weekend Hospitality Newfoundland and Labrador convention.

However, Burke did not attend Hearn's speech in Gander, and would not repeat what Hearn supposedly had said.

Nonetheless, Hearn said Wednesday he is sorry if anyone took offence during his speech, which he said contained about 15 jokes.

Hearn said no one seemed offended at the event, and he can't think which of the jokes might have offended anyone.

"I have never, ever in my life intentionally said anything that would offend anybody, and if I did on the weekend, I sincerely apologize because it's not what I do, or how I do it," Hearn said.


I note this not only because the situation is beyond ridiculous and belongs here by default, but also because now and then it's nice to be reminded of what exactly our elected officials *are* getting paid for and how out of whack it is with what they're *supposed* to be getting paid for.

Would You Eat Your Buddies In A Blizzard?

There's a 35% chance that I would,
which I'm sure by internet logic makes me some sort of fag. But to be fair, it's kind of hard to answer honestly when you're sitting in the comfort of your own home with a fridge full of food a short distance away. My humanity loving, vagina sporting self might just turn into a killing machine once the stomach starts growling, you never know.

I'm Drunk?

Here's another episode of "look at how Carin and Steve spend their free time." For some odd reason we couldn't sleep, so we found an old rerun of Cops. Ooo! More crackheads getting halled off to jail! Fun! But in this case, they caught someone who was driving drunk. They started to do the field sobriety test, and were doing the part where they make the person stand on one foot and count to 30. I thought to myself, "Can I do that?" Apparently, I can't. Steve and I both tried it, and although Steve did much, much better than me, there was a lot of arm-extending and hopping.

Because I'm a big loser, I looked up the parts of a field sobriety test. Here was the part we were having trouble with.

In the One-Leg Stand test, the suspect is instructed to stand with one foot approximately six inches off the ground and count aloud by thousands (One thousand-one, one thousand-two, etc.) until told to put the foot down. The officer times the subject for 30 seconds. The officer looks for four indicators of impairment, including swaying while balancing, using arms to balance, hopping to maintain balance, and putting the foot down. NHTSA research indicates that 83 percent of individuals who exhibit two or more such indicators in the performance of the test will have a BAC of 0.08 or greater (Stuster and Burns, 1998).


Uh-oh. We're drunk and didn't even have any booze! No fair! I think Trixie must have thought we were pretty weird, swaying, counting, hopping, putting our foot up and down, up and down.

All I can say is it's a good thing there's something else other than apparent drunkenness standing in the way of me driving a car.

Powerthirst!

This
starts off like nothing special, but by the end I couldn't help laughing at it.

Warning: Really loud sound.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Trixie's Letter To Teddy

Trixie speaks
Dear Teddy, the dog who stays outside a lot near the place where I do my business:

I know you haven't been here as long as I have, but you've been here a long time. I remember when you were just a wee puppy and liked to jump at me when I was out on my long long long long leash that goes in and out, in and out. Why is it that lots of times when I come out to do my business, you act like you've never seen me before? Why do you bellow at me? I always come out at the same times. Sure, I come out for some extra times, but the times you stand out there and go "roo rrroooo roorroorrroorrerrrooroooo!" are the times when I always come out. Why do you act so surprised to see me? Do you not remember things from day to day? It must be so confusing for you, not knowing when you get fed, when you go to sleep, when anything happens. When you were small, did you go shukh shukh shukh flop flop on the floor on your head too hard and the stuff inside there broke? Is that why you can't remember things?

I hope at some point you will remember me, and stop screaming at me when I'm trying to pee. It's really hard to let myself pee and poop when you're standing over there yelling obsenities at me! I have no problem with you. Can't we be friends?

Yours hopefully,

Trixie

He Didn't Know His Defense Was Dead Until The Trial Was Concluded

So, we're expected to believe that
  • Mark Dixie happened upon a woman lying in a pool of blood and covered in stab wounds in a driveway,
  • decided that this was one hot babe,
  • screwed her and didn't realize she was dead until he was done,
  • and his DNA was found in another woman who was brutally attacked, but he had nothing to do with that one either.


Riiiiiight! Anyone who believes that should contact me to find out about some Oceanfront property in Arizona I could sell you.

Go! To Sleep Airlines

It's never explained in this article why they think pilots fell asleep while flying and overshot their destination. Come on! It was a 45-minute flight!

Just imagine that voice recorder. Let's hope it didn't capture any z's.

All I can say, in this case at least, is thank god for autopilot. Then again, maybe it was because of the autopilot that they kicked back and had a nap.

I'd Rather Be In Jail Than In The Ground

Here's a piece of advice for women who have suicidal, homicidal x-boyfriends and the police tell you that if you call them one more time about him, they'll arrest you both. If you really feel he's going to kill you, go ahead and call. you'll be in jail, but you'll both be alive.

god damn this story makes me sad. I don't know how many times Natasha Hall called police, but this sounds like a story I heard all too often when I volunteered at the women's shelter. Not all police realize a lot of these guys are pretty deranged and don't give a flying fuck about restraining orders. Granted, they should know this by now, it's been demonstrated again, and again, and again, but they don't.

I'm out of words, and tragically, so is Natasha Hall.

They're Gonna Laugh When Everybody Hears, Your Name

This isn't really interesting, only funny. I got a telemarketer call. It was a run of the mill call. After the regular short pause, a voice came on and said, "Hello. Is this Carin?" I answered. Then he said, "Hi Carin. My name is Sam Malone..." after that, I was a lost cause. I held it together for, hmmm, 5 seconds? Yeah. That sounds about right. After he got through about three quarters of his first sentence, I couldn't resist. I asked him if he in fact said his name was Sam Malone. When he said yes, uproarious laughter ensued! I'm such a jerk.

I tried once again to get it together and apologize to this hapless fellow who was probably named long before Cheers was created, but Steve heard me say this and yelled "nooooorm!" This sent me into another fit of laughter. I'm sure poor Sam Malone was about ready to kill me. Me, and the other stream of callers who just laughed him off the phone today, and every day, all the damn time...

If Sam Malone has a blog, I think today it would say, "today I got laughed at for my name...again...by some blind chick who wouldn't even take my mail literature. If I ever find either Ted Danson or the producers of cheers, they'll rue the day they crossed the real Sam Malone!"

On the other hand, maybe it's an effective tactic. After the caller feels bad for basically laughing in the guy's face for having what would be a pretty ordinary name, they want to make themselves feel better by giving generously to his charity. That must be it. Otherwise, why would he keep giving out his whole name? Why not just say your name is Sam? If the policy is that you must give your full name, why not make this one guy an alias for the sake of his sanity? In any case, the Police and Firefighters' Games Fund may be getting some money from me. Maybe I can leave a note that says "Tell Sam Malone I'm sorry."

In The Mood For What?

Over the years I've heard the song In The Mood by Glenn Miller at least a few thousand times, but when it came on the radio today something occurred to me. Does anybody other than Glenn and maybe the rest of the orchestra actually know what he's in the mood for? It's kind of hard to tell since we don't have any lyrics to work with. Sure we can go with the obvious and likely correct answer and say sex, but what if we're wrong? You know what they say about assuming things, and if there's one thing you'll never catch me doing it's making an ass out of myself.

"Oh Steve" I hear you sigh. "It's just a happy little song about sex or love or walks in the park or sunny days or maybe even fluffy kitty cats. Why can't you just be happy and enjoy the music?"

"Well," I hear me respond, "because I wanna know."

Enjoying the music isn't the issue. I love that song. I just want to know what it is I'm enjoying. Sure it might sound all happy and fun, but when you've been watching people for as long as I have, you tend to learn a few things. Chief among them is that things aren't always as they appear. So what might sound like a walk in the park to you or I could be the musical equivalent of the feeling Glenn Miller gets after he's just mugged an old woman or kicked a puppy down a flight of stairs. Call me crazy if you want, but who's going to be laughing when you figure out that all these years you've been bouncing around to a song written by a guy who's singing "baba daba daba, let's torch a church" in his head every time he plays it? Me, that's who. Me and perhaps Glenn Miller, wherever he is.

Dear Anti-vandal - Please Put Your Hands Where I Can See 'Em

61-Year-old Janusz Nowak of Sosnowiec, Poland, has had it with vandalism. To show his displeasure, he recently decided to send a message to his local hoods in the hopes that, I guess, they might just see the error of their ways and go out and get new hobbies. His message? "Dear Vandals - please stop destroying the bus-stop."

His words committed to paper, there was now the matter of how best to deliver them to their intended target. Hmmm, I assume he thought. Bus-stop. Bus-stop. That's it! I'll tack this here strongly worded sign to the bus-stop! Once those little no good whippersnappers see this they'll be volunteering at soup kitchens before you can say Jack Robinson...provided they're capable of reading it of course.

His plan was, save for one major flaw, the very definition of perfection. You see, placing signage on public property without proper permits counts as, yes, vandalism. Vandalism for which Mr. Nowak was
promptly arrested.

As they may or may not say in Poland, oopski.

Jail

There's a new show on myNetworkTV, or at least we just newly discovered it. It's called Jail. All it is is snippets of people being booked into, well, jail. Usually these folks are the kind of people you may have just seen on Cops getting scooped up.

It's a pretty enlightening show, and you see lots of weird stuff. You see people who want to wear skin-tight uniforms because they like the way they feel, males who get mistaken for females, maniacs banging any part of their body against any hard surfaces they can find and being put in restraint chairs, oh the list goes on and on. But it got me thinking. How does anyone who works in a jail keep their sanity? All they deal with day in and day out are people who are brought in who don't want to be there. They're mostly unpleasant, and if they're not unpleasant, they're crying and screaming their innocence, as if that will make the guards change their mind and release them. The guards' job is simply to keep them safe and get them through the process. No one can be trusted. In a prison, I can at least see some potential for rewarding interactions. Prisoners are there for a long time and come to accept it. There are activities guards can lead. There's a chance to see progress. But work in a county jail where people come in, get thrown in a cell to either sober up or go to arraignments over and over and over again cannot possibly be rewarding, or at least it has to be extremely rare that something rewarding happens.

It got me thinking. That job has got to suck about six zillion times more than the cycle one sees when doing social work-related jobs. I'm sure the burnout is high, but how does a guard even look forward to going into work the first week? I'm picturing a guard getting ready for work and thinking "What will it be today? Will I get spat on? Shat on? Will I have to break up a fight? Will I have to throw someone in a suicide smock? How about a restraint chair? Maybe I'll have to throw everyone in lockdown because somebody got a home-made tattoo and we have to find the equipment. Or, on a good day, I'll just have to shove some unhappy folks through the booking process and I might sustain some scratches and bruises. I can't wait!"

Maybe someone who works in a jail can set me straight. Honestly, I don't know how they do it at all. They are better people than I could ever dream of being.

Play Ball!

Am I the only one who's had more than an assful of all this steroids in baseball stuff? Seriously, doesn't the United States Congress have anything better to do? The economy is in ruins, your world image has never been worse, 2 separate wars have gotten way beyond out of control, and all these imbeciles are worried about is the integrity of America's pastime? Baseball is still America's pastime, right? I ask because spying on the citizenry and finding new and creative ways to do away with civil liberties seem to be big there these days. Honestly, what does it matter if a millionaire who swings a stick for a living shoots himself full of hormones because he wants to put a few more miles on his fastball or add a few feet to a home run? It doesn't, at least not until America fixes all of its real problems.

I might feel differently if all of these investigations were more about saving lives than busting cheaters and restoring glory to the great game, but that doesn't seem to be anything that's on anybody's radar. if it was, then surely by now there would be hearings into professional wrestling, a sport with an under 50 mortality rate that would blow people's minds if only it was important enough for the media to cover for more than a couple weeks at a time when something like a
Chris Benoit
happens.

More Awful Spam Marketing

Who in the name of the lord is going to buy penis enlargement products from somebody named Cecile Smallwood? I don't plan on buying them from anybody, but if I were considering it, I think I'd want to speak with Brendan Monsterwang or Lance Cucumbercock over Cecile Smallwood. Come on guys, get your shit together here!

Just Because I Like To Help

19 Feb, Tue, 21:24:34
Google:
mushers secret where to buy in toronto

It's not *in* Toronto, but they're a Canadian source. Try Canvasback Pet Supplies.

Good luck in the search for Mushers' Secret. I'll never be without it in the winter again!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Wow Starts...Uh-oh

It took me 3 years, but I've finally found a rebuttal to the old
How Good Is A Mac video.
Check it out
here.

To Be The Man, You've Got To Harm A Rodent! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

18 Feb, Mon, 21:46:34
Google:
ric flair hurts guinea pig


I haven't seen Raw yet, is there something I should know about?

Ok, What The Fuck Department, you know what to do.

A Big crush

This story is just weird, not because of what it is, but the way it's being reported.

A girl in a high school in Scotland was walking down the hall, and bent to pick something up, I've heard shoe in one place and pencil in another. But what she's picking up doesn't matter. What happened was 25 other students crashed into her. Nobody was seriously injured, a few bumps, bruises and sprains, but nothing horrible. But the headline sounded like it was the Hajj! I mean, crushed? I don't think anyone was really crushed.

Yup, that whole situation would be bizarre. But the story gets longer and longer as person after person deflects blame. "The halls were supervised..." "They are not narrow..." "This really was a freak accident!" Um, was anyone saying it was anything more than that? They even took the time to interview a senior pupil about it, and mentioned the building of a new school. What in the blue blooddy hell does the building of a new school have to do with this? Is it going to be freak accident-proofed? Are the halls going to be super wide so people bending down to pick things up won't be trampled?

I can only come to two possible conclusions. Either they're terrified that they're going to be sued over this and are trying to get it on the record that no one did anything wrong, or Falkirk is really low on newsworthy events.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Things That Make Ya Go Blech

Ug. Remember when I wondered if humans actually tasted pet food? Well, now we know the answer is yes! I'm gonna hurl.

I Guess It Beats Repeatedly Asking "Do You Love Me?"

Oh lord. Now we have a mobile service in Korea grading a caller's sincerity level. They'll even send the person paying for the service an analysis of the conversation, broken down into affection, surprise, concentration and honesty.

Part of me wants to see how well this works, and part of me wonders how many Korean relationships are about to go straight down the shitter.

Oh Wear the Damn Turbin! See If I Care!

To all Sikhs who want to ride a motorcycle, but don't want to wear a helmet because it violates your religious rights, I have one question. Will you be able to remember your religious teachings if your brains are turned to soup in a motorcycle accident while you wear your turbin and not your helmet? that is all.

Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz, Oh, What Intense Pain It Is

Hey there Chrystal Kolinski! Explain something to me. Please explain this, because I cannot wrap my head around it. If you met a random man in an adult video store, and you became friends with him, and he kept asking you to drink some random fluid and capture you on film doing it, wouldn't you ask more questions? Questions like "What's in this shot?" or "Can I see the videos of the other people who drank it?" spring to mind for me. If you thought of it as a "hitch" and you eventually did it to "shut him up," didn't you know it was wrong? Do you not obey your gut instinct? Well you should have, because now you have no gut. Yes, that was mean. Mean, but accurate.

Ya wanna know what she drank? It was caustic fluid. Ya know, sodium hydroxide! Still mystified? How about drain cleaner! That clear things up for ya?

I don't know why I read this story and feel this bubbling, boiling anger that this even happened. Hmmm....interesting that I chose the words bubbling and boiling, because her digestive tract probably did a lot of that that fateful morning.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Secret To Our Success

Well, I think Mushers' Secret is already a success! We went on our first walk with it, and it worked like a dream! Trixie was steady, confident, fast but safe, and she went through salt and barely yeeeped! I think it was a yip in anticipation of pain, because after I wiped her paw, she walked through the same patch and not a peep out of her. I think this stuff is what I've been looking for. Go Mushers' secret!

I Offset, Therefore I'm not

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about the concept of carbon offsetting. In case you're not familiar with what that is, it's basically a system that allows businesses and individuals to contribute financially to environmental projects such as forestation and renewable energy initiatives to compensate for things they've done that are considered detrimental to the planet. Essentially you do a bad thing, then help out with a good thing and the bad thing is cancelled out, hence the term offsetting. People seem to be all over this idea, treating it like the greatest thing since sliced bread. By the way, what was sliced bread the greatest thing since? Unsliced bread? Sliced meat? Fire? An answer would be nice.

But back to the matter at hand, I don't understand how this offset credit deal is supposed to work. Where else in life does this logic apply? If you kill a guy but save somebody else's life on the way to your murder trial, are you free to go? No, you're not. If you rape somebody but also volunteer at a centre for abused women, does the rape not count? Yes, it does. So how is it then that spewing hundreds of tonnes of chemicals into the air on a daily basis can be undone by forking over a few bucks to a guy with a truck full of seedlings and windmills? That's right, it can't.

I wish people would do a little bit of critical thinking before buying into such a fundamentally flawed idea, but I suppose that would be a lot more difficult than throwing money at a problem to create the illusion of doing something while not having to put effort into making real and lasting changes.

You Learn Something New Every Day

Bow Hunter Learns A Lot About Bears In Six Seconds

Doing The Right Thing

ACLU Defends Nazi's Right To Burn Down ACLU's Headquarters

More Things And More Stuff

Wow. Two random thought posts in one week? That doesn't happen very often. Off we go.

Last night, we were doing the old flip around the music channels thing again, aren't we predictable? This time, what grabbed our attention was an English kids' song. It sounded like that song "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round", with some improvised changes. Ok, fine. But the ending killed me. It seriously said "the bus on the bus goes bus bus bus." What? What does that even mean? I know kids' songs have some jibber in them, but that's just ridiculous. And then we wonder why kids are getting dumber. Nothing designed for them has any messages anymore. It's just meant to keep them busy and out of the way.

I know no one except people who live in the Guelph area will get this, but oh well. Does anyone else think that the radio commercial for Barry Cullen silverado is saying "great fuckin' name"? I know it's great truckin' name, but I always think the other. Maybe I'm just demented. Yup, probably that's it. But I've managed to spread my dementedness to friends, and they want to sing it my way too.

I had two dreams I wanted to write up here because they're just weird. One dream I had months ago. I dreamed I was having trouble with Trixie, and I called Chuck, the field rep. After explaining all my difficulties, he said in his calm, teaching voice that he has, "Well, there's only one thing to do. You have to turn Trixie in at the police station. We'll come pick her up there." I cried, and cried, and cried, but that's what he said I had to do. So, off to the station I went. When I got there, and tried to turn her in, I couldn't let her go. I cried some more. It was like an unending stream of tears. I finally handed her over, but through some kind of slight of hand, I got her back, and walked out of the station with her! Once I realized I'd gotten away, I just ran faster, hoping they'd never figure it out. They never did. Weird dream.

The other dream I had just happened a couple of nights ago. I dreamed that I ran into a rabid dog. But it was the weirdest rabid dog ever. It just stood there growling and foaming. It didn't lunge, bite, or anything. It just stood there as if it was frozen. I had time to run and get someone, tell them to get a gun,and come back, and there it stood, gurring and foaming still. That was just strange. It must have been because of my post about the rabid puppies.

I've bitched about my computer so many times on here that I can't think of one particular post to link to. I just know that ever since this computer was brought to me in November of 2004, it has sucked. Even with a windows reinstall and the addition of a decent sound card, it has continued to suck. You know it's a screwed up computer when a good tech stares at it and says, "Uh, any ideas on how this thing opens?" Now, hopefully, its woes are over! Why? I have more ram for it!

You wouldn't believe how much of a difference some more ram can make. Now, when I leave it alone and come back, it just pops back into action. There's no five-second drag and another few seconds when I change windows. Yea! It might make its final year and a half without hobbling!

My Mushers' secret arrived my Mushers' Secret arrived my Mushers' Secret arrived! Can you tell I'm happy? So far, it's already seeming like more of a success. When I put it on her, she doesn't try to run away from me in disgust. She just lays there and lets me rub it in. Plus, her paws already feel softer. Hopefully this does the trick! I'm running out of options, so this had better do it!

I noticed something weird at the bottom of a spam. I forget why I read a whole spam the other day, but I did. At the bottom, it said that Norton had scanned this email and all attachments, and no infection was found. Well, that's what it tried to say, but it spelled things wrong. Apparently Norton folks can't spell, and were completely fine with saying that "noinfection was found." Or, maybe the spammer was writing a fake virus-free certification. Yeah, I'll go with that one. This is why those stupid "no viruses found in this outgoing email" things are useless. Everybody, get your own antivirus solution and don't trust other people's.

And that's about it. Hopefully you enjoyed my random pile of thoughts.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Send This On To Ten People...And Regret It!

This is beautiful in a Craig Shergold sort of way, only better.

Apparently, about 3 years ago, an email started circulating about a poor little boy with a tumour encroaching on his juggler, hahahahaha you mean jugular? Nope, it says juggler vein. The email asked people to pray for him, send the message on, and when it got 1000 names, send it back to an address so they could show the boy how many people cared for him.

Well, in its travels around the net, it landed in the inbox of one Peggy Lesley. Peggy decided to send it on, but as she did, she left her signature at the end. since the original email was pretty light on details while it talked about juggler veins, people assumed that Peggie Lesley must be the original sender. And this is where it gets fun.

"I wish I would not have sent that e-mail," Peggy Lesley said. "I can't take it back now. It's everywhere."

"People are e-mailing me. They're asking me questions about this child," she said. "I had some woman call me who said, 'I had a brain tumor and this is how I got rid of it.'"


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I wish that happened to more people who send out chain emails. If it did, it would cut back on the bull that circulates on the internet. People would be more likely to do their research and determine whether a given email asking for help is a cause that has a root in truth, is a hoax, is something that was true years ago but no longer is, or what before slamming forward, shoving their whole addressbook in there with no regard for privacy of the recipients or authenticity of the story, and hitting send. "Hell, what could it hurt?" they think. Ask Peggy Lesley what it can hurt.

I wonder if she's still fielding calls and emails. I guess she is, since the Snopes story was last updated February 13. It does illustrate one thing. Forwards get around easily. It's just sad that whenever that ability manifests itself in a powerful effect, it's usually a negative one.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Things And Stuff

I have some random thoughts I've been meaning to write down. So here they are, in no particular order.

The other day, that old song "Knock Three Times" came on. You know the one, "Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me, twice on the pipe if the answer is no." this made me think some strange thoughts. You wouldn't want to do that in a building with rusty, clicky pipes. Otherwise, you might here click click, and think the guy was blowing you off when it was just clicky pipes. Then he'd knock three times and you'd be so confused. Is it yes? No? Should I meet him in the hallway? I don't know! I heard three knocks and two clicks. Yeah, I'm a loser with a twisted mind.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I had a pretty good one. Steve and I went out for dinner at Eastside Mario's, mmm...Eastside Mario's, and Steve gave me the Pacman Talks game. It's Pacman for blinks! I've wanted this game for a while, but the Canadian price looked like a ripoff, so I wasn't getting it. But because Steve is king at finding another way, he found a way to pay through PayPal for the right price. So I now own Pacman Talks, and I've discovered I'm a big loser! Ok, there's a training mode where the ghosts stay stationary. Yeah, they don't move. Even so, I still have managed to lose all my lives! Yeah, I suck. But I'm getting better, and have managed to pass one level so far. Woo Give me a gold star! I'm addicted, and have already played the thing more than 10 times, because I'm all over my high score standings that only have 10 spots. They're totaly lame scores, and anyone halfway good at this game could clean my clock. But there they are.

I noticed something the other day that persuades me that languages are weird. We were flipping around the digital music channels that come with our cable, and landed on the French kids' music channel. Because sometimes that can be kind of entertaining, we stayed there for a minute. This pretty little song came on, and we started listening to it. The chorus said something about "J'suis avec Maman, j'suis avec papa, avec la tortue, le poisson rouge et puis le chat." Translation: I'm with mom, I'm with dad, with the goldfish, the turtle and the cat. Notice anything, anyone? A goldfish, when translated into French, becomes a red fish. Why? Anybody know?

And here's another anybody know question. What happens if it's a leap year and a baby is born on February 29? Is that the baby's birthday? Or do they change it for the dday before or after? What do they do, since that day only shows up once every four years.

Since Trixie got to talk about how she was doing the other day, I figure I should give you guys a quick update from my perspective. Now that we've stopped putting boots on the poor beast and started putting on wax, she's better, although the wax isn't standing up to the crazy salt that is put down. Let's list off all the things I have tried for her feet so far.
  • a set of boots with the brand name Fashion Pet. Yeah, because that sounds like they'll work. They didn't. They would fall off at the drop of a hat.

  • Muttluks. They fit a lot better, but they'd still fall off, and Trixie found an art to removing them. She wasn't happy when I then attached some straps to her back like those mitten straps for kids so that if the boots fell off, they were still attached. They were a bitch to put back on on the move, especially on cold days! My fingers would go numb, and numb fingers don't put boots on well. Gloved fingers don't work either.

  • A set of boots called Barkn boots. I haven't even left the house with them because Trixie won't heel properly in them, and jumps around in the hopes of shedding them, which happens.

  • A product you spread on the pads of the paws called Pawsitive Therapy. It seems to keep the pads soft, but it does not act as a proper shield against the salt, as promised, and that's what I need.

  • A product called Biobalm that the vet wanted me to test. It does better than Pawsitive Therapy, but it's not durable enough. She guides a hell of a lot better with this stuff on, but it fades mid walk, and I don't think reapplying it on the move is a good idea, since it doesn't get a chance to dry before hitting wet snow that would probably just wash it right off.


I've ordered something called Mushers' Secret. That's supposed to be the holy grail of foot protection! Let's hope it is! The yeeeping needs to be prevented. It breaks my heart. I've also been given a lead on booties for injured paws that are supposed to be unshakable. Expensive, but unshakable. So, one way or another, Trixie won't suffer anymore.

Yeah, I mentioned that she's doing a lot better. I'm amazed at the difference comfortable feet are making. For a while, I was actually afraid to go out alone with her because she was so wacky. With the boots on, she would just stop walking at random. I couldn't be sure if she was stopping to show me something, or just stopping. My confidence took a pounding, and it made it hard to do anything, because getting there was such an epic struggle! People would comment about how badly she was guiding. I hadn't heard that...ever! Even in the "new dog" days, that was all it was, wondering if she was new. But this was so bad that people were saying it didn't look like she was guiding me properly. I called my field rep from the school, and he told me I wasn't the first one who had troubles like this, which made me feel a lot better. He sent me more boots, which weren't the ticket. But he told me one way or another, we would get through this.

Now, with this wax, even though it fades half way, I feel safe with her. She's gotten a few corrections for trying to walk way too fast to be safe, and she seems to have realized that the same rules apply even when the ground is covered with white and there are mounds of snow everywhere. I come home happy after walking somewhere, which I didn't do with the boots on her. Now I just need the protection to be longer-lasting. Come on Mushers', get here now!

I've noticed something else weird she does. When we're out relieving, if she sees another dog she'd like to play with, she makes the weirdest noise. It's barely audible. It's this low, short grunting sound. When I first heard it, I froze in terror. I thought some other wild animal had found its way into the spot where Trixie goes pee, and we were about to meet it up close and personal. I put my hand down, and then felt Trixie's throat vibrate when I heard the grunt! It was her! Steve hasn't even heard it. The closest description I can give is the noise chickens make when they're thinking about breaking into a full buckbuckbuckbuckbuckock, but havent' yet.

And that's about it. What a pile of randomness. Hope it was fun.

I Thought They Had Commandments For That

College courses seek to protect church tills from embezzlers

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Dumb And Hummer

Ya know, if ya steal a hummer from another state, that vehicle shouldn't be your vehicle of choice to use to transport you to the welfare office to collect benefits.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Something Tells Me this Death-Defying Stunt Won't Defy Death Too Much Longer

Hmmm. Is it a good idea to force a circus act to continue for another year just because the contract says so, when it involves one person firing a crossbow at another's head if the shootee is the shooter's recently estranged husband? I know the show must go on, but isn't this a little too risky?

The Power Of Prayer

I thought this joke was pretty good, especially considering Carin's
post
from the other day.

In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.

Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.

But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit.

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

Raaar!

You know, after living on this earth for 29 years, I should be used to this by now, but it still annoys the hell out of me whenever it happens. What is it exactly? People freaking out because of the whole blindness factor.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that my French really sucks now, and it's about time I did something to bring it back to at least a passible level. I don't want to say I can speak French in a job interview, and then when I'm tested, splutter like a stalled car in need of a trip to the mechanic. So I called the French department at the university where I got my minor, and admitted the horrid fact that even though I took a minor in French, it's as good as dead in my brain, overwritten by dog commands, computer stuff, and who knows what else that I use more than French. I asked them where I could take some courses in conversational French or meet up with other like-minded folk who are struggling to keep French alive. The lady at the French department referred me to the Continuing Education Centre. "Ah!" I thought. "A lead!"

So, I called the Continuing Education Centre, and spoke to a lady who sounded like she'd spent too long breathing in the same stale air. She sounded like she was desperately in need of a nap, just being kept awake by the fear that someone might find her sleeping on the job. I told her that I needed to take a course in conversational French. She told me that there were afternoon classes and night classes, and four levels. I decided I wasn't ready for the final level, but perhaps the level below. She said those classes were held on Thursdays. I signed up on a Wednesday. She told me that I had already missed two weeks, but it was a nine-week course, so she would give me a discount, and I could start the next day. I thought, "perfect!"

Then, I asked her where exactly was the closest bus stop. She said for getting there, I would have to cross a major street in Guelph. This was fine, until I learned I would have to J-walk. As for getting home, there was a stop right outside the building. It eventually came out that I was blind, so I guess I would have to cab there and then I'd bus home. She didn't freak out too much, but she decided that she should let the instructor know about the blindness factor.

the next day, I got a call from the instructor. "uh, Hello. Zis is zee French teacher from zee continuing Education cen-ter. I hear you want to take zee course, French in Progress, but you cannot see. How is ziss going to work?" I'm not doing this ziss thing just because she's teaching French. This is how she sounded. I asked her if this was in fact a conversational French class. "non non non! Ziss is written French!" Zee only conversational French class is zee real French at last course, and zat one is on Wednesdays!"

Ok, so this meant that not only did the woman at the desk have no clue and sign me up for the wrong class, but I had now missed 3 out of the nine sessions, and I have other appointments on Wednesdays that I scheduled that way to free up my Thursdays, which means missing more days. But this didn't hit me until later.

I agreed to take the Wednesday French course, and she was still freaking out. Ok, I can half understand her freaking out about the written French course, although I could have worked something out, but she's still freaking out, This is oral French. That means students use their mouth and ears. Last time I checked, blindness does not affect the mouth and ears. Well, you learn to be more outspoken and you hear things that others may not because you notice them, but that's it.

I asked her what she thought would be impossible in her oral French course for a blind person. "Well," she panicked, "Zere are some sings we read, I give to zee class and zay read zem or we talk about zem." I told her that all she'd have to do is email me the copy of what she's going to hand out before class starts, I'll read it before class, and then I'll just flub along. I'm a pretty good flubber. Being blind, your memory becomes really good.

She is still stammering. "Email zem?" she cried. "You realize ziss is more preparation, and I'm already doing a lot of preparation!"

Oh come on lady. I doubt you're handing out hand-written pieces of writing. They're likely typed, and if they're typed, all you have to do is open a message and attach the document. Even if you're getting newspaper pieces, a lot of newspapers have their recent stuff available online, so send me the friggin link. Or, give me the subject matter andI'll use google news. I'm not asking you to re-type whole pieces of material.

The fact is, Froggy Froggerton, I know, that was mean, you're teaching a class. That means you're going to have to teach for different learning styles and think outside the box. If you can't handle that, maybe you shouldn't be teaching.

Then she said, "Maybe you should take a private class with me. I charge $20 an hour." Hmm. $95 for 9 weeks, or $20 an hour. What do you think is more affordable? And isn't the point of taking a class being able to interact in a group? She grudgingly agreed, but kept saying, "If it doesn't work out, you can always get a refund." It was like she just wanted me to give up. It would be easier for her.

And this isn't the first time this has happened when I've just tried to take a simple course. Another time, I tried to take Yoga. I had taken Yoga before, so this wasn't a new concept. I knew some of the terms, and figured if I was doing it wrong, Yoga instructors are very physical and will correct you, blind or not, and think nothing of it. So I signed up. When the instructor saw me, she freaked. "I can't do this! You must find an assistant! If you need help, you will be impeding everyone else's Yoga experience! I don't have time to help you...but if you pay me an extra $10 per session, I might be able to do it." That was when I snapped and asked where the time comes from if I fork over extra money? I signed up to the gym because Yoga was included. It doesn't seem fair to make me pay extra even though she still may not have the time. Without saying it, I basically proved she was making excuses. I told her that it would be hard to find an assistant, since recreational volunteers were not in abundance at this time of year, and I'd taken Yoga before, so I wasn't completely new to this. She eventually came around and became a pretty awesome Yoga instructor. But the struggle at first was insanity!

And then people wonder why I'm not lighting the world on fire with employment prospects. Look at what happens when I try to take a course! Look at the bullshit I have to slog through to take a course in spoken French. There are places where I expect bullshit, but this was not one of them.

Sorry if I sound like a whiny baby. I'm just a little sick of having to blaze a trail even when it comes to simple things. Can't I just improve myself without sending the teacher into spasms of fear and horror? My eyes don't work. My mind is perfectly functional, and apparently more open than most.

After all that, I had to cancel the course because I remembered the whole Wednesday appointment thing, so I'm taking it next session, in April. I'm sure the French teacher is rejoicing. She'll cry when I come back into her life again.

As an aside of extra stupidity that has nothing to do with blinkitude, When I canceled, just for canceling, they decided to refund my money, but deduct a $10 cancelation fee. Stupid bureaucracy. What possibly costs that much to push a button? There aren't materials to get for this course. Man it's dumb. It's especially dumb, since the woman signed me up to the wrong class! It's her fault I have to cancel in the first place!

I hope this makes sense to someone and doesn't sound like a pile of raving lunacy. Well, whether or not it does, there it is.

Happy Valentine's Day

Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

As Long As YouTube Lives, So Will This Song!

Oh Matt, ya better run, run far. Why? Because even though the original animation that drove you insane has been pummelled off the internet by hits, I have founda replacement! Someone was thinking, and captured it on YouTube, and I, being an enormous loser, googled it out!

Ya wanna know what's freaky? I finally know what this song is called, and there is a Wiki for the Finnish folk song from which this thing was derived, and the animation itself! Now, tell me, people, what is so fascinating about some videogame character spinning a leek? Tell me, tell me do! Is it just because it's hypnotic, like the music?

So, finally, because the video fell down, I proved myself to be a giant loser, and solved the Dagga Dagga Doodoo mystery.

Trixie's Got The Winter Blahs.

Trixie speaks
You know, I'm a pretty patient dog. I'll put up with a lot of stuff. But there is a point where I'm going to lose it, and I think I'm reaching that point.

So first, this white stuff comes. Snow? Yeah, that's it. Snow. I could deal with that, sort of. Then the city put down something on the sidewalk so the humans don't slip and fall and hurt themselves. Maybe they should walk on all fours like smart dogs do so they'd have better balance. Anyway, this salt stuff. It hurts me. I step on it, and yeeeep! Then I start limping. Yeeep yeeep! Get it off! I kick my foot. Yeeep yeeep yeeeeeep! Carin frantically rubs my foot until I stop yeeeeping. She mutters something about "I'm sorry." Sorry isn't good enough. Stop walking me through the yeeeepy salt if you're so sorry! Then people stare. Ya know what? I challenge any of them to walk on this stuff in bare feet and not yeeep.

Then, Carin does something very weird. She starts putting shoes on my feet. She's all happy because she thinks she's found shoes that will fit me. Then she walks me around the house and laughs at the way I go clip clop clip clop. She calls me her little horsey doggy. I put up with this. The shoes aren't on very long. If this makes Carin laugh, I'll put up with it. Then she walks me around the building. Ok, this public amusement is a little much.

Then, she expects me to work in these shoes! Work? Ok, let me get this straight. I'm supposed to focus on keeping both of us safe, which is harder now since the city doesn't move the white stuff very well off the sidewalk, and I'm supposed to do this while all I can think about is how I have these shoes on my feet. Carin has to be out of her mind. She has to be.

I express my disgust at these shoe things. I run from her when I see her break out the shoes. Then she gets mad. I go to bed and stay there. She herself said my bed was my own personal zone, a zone that no one could invade. . But it seems she can break this rule. I can't break any rules without hearing about it, but she can break all the rules she wants? She drags me from the bed and says I'm going to wear the shoes. No fair. No fair! No fair no fair no fair! I stamp my feet. I riggle. I twist my paws. I fight fight fight. She just hangs on and puts the shoes on anyway. She does give me kibble after each shoe. Hmmm. Something good comes from this. But it's not good enough to make me happy. My tail still droops. I'm miserable.

I did manage to figure out a way to get them off. Do I chew on them? No. Do I shake my feet? Nope. But if I roll around in the snow when Carin takes me out to pee, that works. Or, when we're walking, if I hit deep enough snow, that works too. Wooo! Something good can come from snowbanks.

After I did that enough times, something else changed. Not only did I have to wear the shoes, but I had to wear this other thing on my back that she attached the shoes to. If I wasn't completely miserable before, now I was. I couldn't move well because it would wiggle jiggle. It would tie up my tail. It wasn't easy to sit, but she still wanted me to. It was so distracting, so much so that I would walk, stop, walk, stop, walk, stop. I couldn't think about working at all! Not in the least!

Now, she doesn't seem to make me wear shoes, not shoes that I can see anyway. Instead, she has this thing of goo that she gets out in the morning. She takes my paws and rubs this goo all over my pads and between the pads. I don't like it much either, but maybe it's better than those shoes. Maybe I've won! Maybe I've been liberated from those horrible shoes! But if the stuff wares off, I still yeeeep! So I'm still not happy.

I have never seen anything like this weather before. Now I understand why I have fur for my fur. Without that other fur, I shake shake shake! There is so much wind here some days. Sometimes, it feels like the wind is an actual thing. It pushes me. I lose my sense of direction. I just want to find the nearest entrance to a building and go in. We don't walk very far anymore. I miss the long walks. But there's no way I would walk very long in this horrible stuff. I just want the nice stuff to come back. Will it ever come back? Please, I'm looking up at the sky. Yeeep yeeep. I'm begging you. Can't you hear me? Yeeep Yeeep yeeep! Bring the nice weather back!

He Was a Retired Teacher, Now He's A Slave

What a way for someone to find out her husband was into S and M. He ends up in the hospital because it goes wrong, and a reporter tells her all the gory details. She did better than I would have done. Hopefully this guy's x students don't read the newspaper.

Did They Do This On purpose?

Is it wrong that I think it's funny that a story about illiteracy has a spelling error? I know it's just one, but...

Update: It appears they listened to me! No, they probably listened to other people who complained to them about the spelling error. Either way, it's fixed, and I've been made to look like a fool. But it's better I look like a fool than a newspaper.

I Give A Vigourous Defense, And A Vigourous Handshake Too!

Somehow, I doubt ripping a prosecutor's arm nearly out of its socket is going to win her over to your side of things.

Is The Nimrod A Thing Or A Person?

Note to self. If I ever end up on an oil rig near Scotland, I should never tell anyone about my wacky dreams. They might freak out and evacuate the place. That's what happened when one woman had a dream about a bomb being on the platform. They went nuts, called in helicopters, reconnaissance crafts, the army bomb squad, and all kinds of other crap, and now that there was no bomb, they've dragged the woman in for questioning! I guess they have to, to make sure it was in fact a dream, but if it was, the poor woman's going to be having nightmares forever, and she won't tell a soul.

On a sidenote, does anyone else think it's weird that there are reconnaissance crafts called Nimrods?

Don't You Have Something To Write?

Uh, I'm scared. I received the following in my email, and it sounds so much like me that either someone was watching me throughout university, or I wrote it between email checks!

*How to write a paper in college/university:*

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your prof, the course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You've probably run out.

19. While you've got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven't started either.

26. Look through your housemate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.


So I guess I wasn't the only chronic procrastinator out there. I like the sprinkling in of the playing of solitare. That was so me it's scary.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Welcome To Wal-Mart. You Got Any Spare Change?

According to a recent survey conducted by police in Coos Bay, Oregon,
the panhandlers that hang around outside of the local Wal-Mart make in a day what clerks inside make in a week.

I'm not sure if I feel more shocked that this is allowed to happen in a so-called civilized society or guilty that I unapologetically shop there in spite of my knowing how evil that company is.

I suppose if anything stories like this blow the Wal-Mart creates good jobs argument they like to use when they take over a new town right out of the water.

Out, Demon, Out!

This story is just riddled with good stuff, so riddled that I'm having trouble forming a coherent thought.

In the town of Poczernin, Poland, there is a priest named Andrzej Trojanowski wanting to set up an exorcism center. Exorcists say, and I quote, "Typical cases include people who turn away from the church and embrace New Age therapies, alternative religions or the occult. Internet addicts and yoga devotees are also at risk."

Um...how tradditional are exorcisms? I know they've been around a while, but so has Yoga. Watch yourself.

A few lines later, Trojanowski says "conventional medical therapy often neglects spiritual ailments." What does that make exorcism? Hmm. That would be an alternative therapy. Do we need another exorcism for the exorcised because they turned to exorcism? I see an infinite loop forming.

Another fine point is exorcists say they're careful not to treat the mentally ill. Um, isn't being possessed by demons what people used to call mental illness? And how do they know if someone's mentally ill or possessed by demons? It seems like a very difficult line to walk. Are they acting weird because of schizophrenia, or because Satan is telling them to? Is that the voices or the voice of Satan? How can they ever know?

One example I thought was weird was that of a woman who renewed her wedding vows as part of marriage counselling, *this becomes important*, and then days later, wanted a divorce. They said this had to be a work of Satan, because how could she develop such a strong hatred for her husband so fast? Uh, they were in therapy. The marriage wasn't working. Maybe she realized that renewing her vows was a mistake and everything came to the surface. The kicker is that happened four years ago, and they're still trying to help this "afflicted wife." So that exorcism thing is rreally working for ya, isn't it?

all this proves is the same old thing. Religion is full of contradictions, and can't hope to say anything that manages to make sense.

Motel Sit. We'll Leave The Light On For Ya.

They never mention in this story how expensive a stay in a PetSmart Pets Hotel is. What is the funniest part of this story? Is it the fact that TV's in all the rooms are tuned to Animal Planet? Is it that they serve the dogs dairy-free yogourt? No, that's disturbing, because what is dairy-free yogourt? Is it that there's a phone that the owner can call and then they bring your dog to woof at you? No. It's the fact that 100 of these are up and thriving, and more are being built! I know one job I wouldn't want in that hotel. Housekeeping!

My Name Is What?

Hey there Paul Sidebottom! When the opportunity is there to withhold your name, like when you're the victim of sexual harassment, you might wanna take it, especially with a name like Paul Sidebottom.

TV? Check. Pants? Doh!

Here's a note for the droopy drawers bandit. Maybe, instead of stealing TV's, he should steal some pants.

Talk about Your Adverse Reaction

It's gotta suck when you're having a severe reaction to medication that makes you look like you've been through a fight of epic proportions, you call 911, and they misunderstand what's happening to be a domestic violence incident, and arrest your husband. It's also gotta suck when an ambulance doesn't come for at least 15 minutes and your family gives up and starts driving you to the hospital, and that's when the police finally show up and cuff dear hubby. Thankfully, everything was resolved, but that's just horrible!

Talk About Your bizarre Love Triangle

Wow. There is definitely nothing boring about the Bowrings. They certainly are the furthest thing from it.

So, a dad, James, starts dating the son, Jacob's girlfriend Krystal, and now she's having his baby, and the son's upset about this, and the dad tries to run him over? Woe! These people are freaks. Freaks who live in a house-bus with a long-drop toilet outside their bedroom window. What?

Hmmm. Let's dig up some good quotes and just put them up here.
He admitted mounting the kerb and aiming the vehicle at Jacob, claiming he was "pretty upset" being calling a "paedophile" and being told he belonged in a "mental home"."

Krystal is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We're in love, it's as simple as that, and it's awesome.

He had been to prison for various offences and talked of a "life of misery" featuring sexual abuse as a child, broken relationships, work as a male prostitute and a six-month sexual relationship with a younger sibling.

"I can't cope with the thought of going to prison again, I don't like being around people. If I end up there I will probably kill myself," James said.

James admitted he had "a few other kids around the country ... but I never stayed with the mothers, I was only really a sperm donor. I was spreading the love around."

Jacob, a tyre-fitter, said he was unable to talk in detail because of a deal he had with a women's magazine.

"I've sold my story to get me into a flat, so that's good. The whole thing is a mess. My dad has gone nuts."


Need I say more?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Creepy People AT The Door

I heard about this incident on Roc Rebel Granny. It doesn't really freak me out that the girls at the door had written down her name and address, but the way they reacted when she said she didn't want them to have it was downright alarming. Gees! Trying to force their way back in? I'm glad she got the paper back, and you're really left wondering what they planned to do with that info, or what they could still do with it. I mean, it wouldn't take them that long to find the info on her address. I'm sure they remember who she is after what happened. Be careful when someone knocks on your door.

They've Got the Vote Early Part Down...

What's up with all the confusion around when people are supposed to vote in the U.S. this year? Now we have folks showing up a half-hour...and a week early in Milwaukee, and 1000 people calling Dallas officials about where to vote last Tuesday except they don't vote for a month. I'm glad people want to vote...but get it right!

Saturday, February 09, 2008

I'll Pry That $5 Out Of Your Cold, Dead Hands

Barbara Antonelli
is a much more forgiving soul than I will ever, ever be. If I were having a heart attack in my doctor's office and some stupid bitch receptionist was getting in the way of the people trying to save me so that she could collect the $5 payment I owed, I'd be demanding her head on a stick, assuming I survived of course. But this woman is excusing the stupidity, calling it the work of somebody who was new at the job and not well trained. Whatever lady. Call it what you will, but to me there's no justification for that kind of idiocy. You don't have to be trained at anything to use common sense, and if you do, maybe you shouldn't be working anywhere, especially not someplace where people's lives are on the line.

Come Out With Your Pants Up!

I'm not sure why I decided to read
this story about Calgary's new public toilet,
but I did and its got me curious.

One of the features built into the thing is a 9 minute warning in the form of a light letting you know that it's time to move it on out. If you stay another minute, the nice little light becomes an open door and a loud alarm. This happens regardless of whether or not you're finished.

I realize that generally it's not good form to spend 10 minutes in a public crapper, but is that really necessary? You'd have to think that anybody who finds himself in a position to need that long is probably going through enough already. Do we really need to let the townsfolk see him with his pants around his ankles trying to wipe his ass or clean the shit off his leg? And who's responsible for enforcing the limit? there's an alarm and the door opens, but what then? Did the city actually hire people to guard the place and drag out anybody who dares violate the law of the land? And perhaps the most important question, why? What is the 10 minute limit designed to prevent? Nobody bothered to explain that. It's just we've got this cool feature and that cool feature and music and lights and sound...oh, and get the fuck out!

I'd love it if somebody could answer this stuff for me, because it's going to drive me nuts for the rest of the day now.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Knock Knock. Who's There? A Dumbass.

Ok then! A guy follows a lady up to her apartment, forces his way in, tries to sexually assault her, she fights him off, and he...leaves and says he'll be back within the hour? She calls the cops, a cop shows up, he comes back, knocks on the door, at which point she identifies him as the suspect, and hi ho, hi ho, it's off to jail we go.

What the hell did he expect to happen? And what did he have to go off and do? And why bother knocking? He was coming to rape someone! Did he think she was just going to let him in?

Horrible, With An Odd Name

Is it wrong that I find it funny that one of the havens for child porn is Virginia? Virgin-ia? And one of the most concentrated locations of child porn is a town called Pound?

What Could Possibly Go Wro...Boom!

Quick question. Does the idea of a
gas-pumping robot
sound like a bad one to anybody else, or is it just me being silly?

In case you're wondering how the €75,000 technological miracle does its stuff, it has a database of vehicles, with their corresponding fuel cap designs and fuel types. Reuters elaborates: "A robotic arm fitted with multiple sensors extends from a regular petrol pump, carefully opens the car's flap, unscrews the cap, picks up the fuel nozzle and directs it toward the tank opening, much as a human arm would, and as efficiently."

Mr van Staveren told the agency: "I was on a farm and I saw a robotic arm milking a cow. If a robot can do that then why can't it fill a car tank, I thought."


Well, I can think of a couple reasons...

My Beer? My Kid? Tough Choice!

Wow. First we had guys buckling their beer in but endangering themselves, now we have women buckling in their beer and endangering their children! I can't believe there would be two incidents of folks seatbelting cases of beer instead of people, but there they are.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

System Access To Go

This is a test of the System Access To Go service. It's a pretty cool idea. As a blink, I always feel sort of tied to my own computer. Why? Because my computer talks, and others don't. Well, now, blinks can make any modern computer talk. All they need is a computer with a sound card, an internet connection, and a relatively modern copy of Internet Explorer, and ta da! They have a screen-reader. All they need to do is go to the website above, and follow the prompts. They're not exactly precise, so sometimes it says press alt r when it's not quite ready. Also, you might have to cheat and snap on narrator for a second if it looks like it's not proceeding. If you have a firewall, the first time you run this, that will come up and stop it in its tracks, so you have to ok it through your firewall. Plus I'm running into some troubles that no one else can seem to duplicate. But as soon as those are fixed, I'll be a happy woman. A happy woman with a screen-reader whenever I want it!

Apparently, this is free of charge. I don't know how long that will hold, but get it while it's hot!

Alrighty, I'm off to see if I can post this! If you see it, I guess I did.

Advanced Polls And Slow People

I should be happy that people are trying to vote. It's just too bad that some people in Virginia tried to vote a week early, and some others in Florida tried a week too late. God, if voting matters to you, know when you're supposed to do it!

While You Were Sleeping...

Ok, first we had girls screwing people in their sleep, now we have guys screwing people in their sleep, and the shocking revelation that sexsomnia affects 3 people in 100. That seems way too high! That means more people have sexsomnia than there are babies who die from SIDS.

Text To Pee

Oh god. I'm laughing too hard to explain what I'm laughing at. I'll try. I'm invisioning my mom and dad driving down the road. Suddenly, mom says she needs to use the bathroom. They see a place where they can use a washroom, but all it is is a locked toilet. Mom's happy. She gets out, looks at it, and sees that in order for the door to open, you have to text the word "open" to a number! Her cell phone doesn't do text messages.

Let's hope mom and dad never travel to Finland, because that's exactly what would happen. They're all worried about vandalism, and that's why they've instituted this. Now, they'll have to worry about deluges of human urine and feces outside the door. Ug.

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