Gone-ba's Pizzeria

I hope that after the pistol-whipping hit the news, goomba's isn't doing so well.

those words were spoken by me in January of this year after I read the story about that guy getting tooled by the owner of a pizzeria when he complained the place got his order wrong. Well, truer words were never spoken. Goomba's is closed! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Here's a few words for the Milano, or whatever their name is, family. You act as if this whole thing was unnecessary. I call it consequences. You seem surprised you had no business coming in. well, who would come in and set themselves up for a possible pistol-whipping? Really, who would honestly want your pizza that much?

Also read this story if you can't get enough of his family's whining. I'd noticed they were whiny before, and they've only gotten louder.

There's A Reason She's Called A Guide Dog

I had a bus driver say something to me the other day that, no matter how many times I hear it, makes me raise my eyebrows. I was getting on the bus, and the driver said, "Wow, you do pretty well without that stick." At first I just thanked him and sat down, wondering if he didn't see the dog, or what. that has happened before. I remember when I got off a greyhound bus and the driver gasped because this was apparently the first glimpse he got of Trixie. How people miss a dog I don't know.

Then I got off the bus, and he said the same thing. Then he added, "well I guess you have the dog, but still..."

And I sighed. People still don't know what the dog is for. People think I just got the dog to feel safer or better. There are still people I encounter who say "Oh...you're going to bring the dog? Oh...hmmm." Well of course I'm going to bring the dog. She serves a purpose.

The other day, I went to a meeting and the lady who ran it said "And of course Trixie is welcome." I must add that this was at a meeting of folks who are trying to remove accessibility barriers. I should hope she's welcome. I would be appalled if she was anything but welcome. Whenever I think about this statement, I'm at war with myself. Part of me just thinks she was joking or trying to say "You won't have any problems here since sometimes guide dog handlers run into denials of access." But part of me thinks she had to ponder this question herself and had to make the decision that the dog could come. I'll never know which one it was.

I am very happy that we've come a long way since the first guide dogs were used. But oh my, it amazes me how many people somehow never learn this stuff.

Twitter Twits

First it was walking and texting-related injuries. Now those injuries have subcategories, one of them is twinjuries, or injuries suffered while twittering.

James Coleman decided he would jog and tweet, tweet and jog, and so he was jog jog joggin' along..and then...it happened! Clonk! Head meets tree, and he heard tweets of a different kind. I was going to find a sweet sound effect from old cartoons, ya know when the character gets smacked on the head and then little birdies circle his head, but that's hard as hell to find, damn the internet and all it has available. He even tweated about his sudden meeting with a low-hanging branch, and he got a nice shiner from the thing.

but after I read the story of Flavia Boricea, or is it Maria barbu, who was tweeting in the bathtub and managed to electricute herself, Coleman doesn't seem half bad.

People, sometimes tweeting can wait. The world doesn't need to know what you're doing all the time.

Wonder How He's Going to Get The Cash To Pay The Fine

Mark Brittenmust have been taking notes when thestory of that guy who beat up the self-checkout machine at Home Depot after he pushed the Spanish button by accidentcame out a couple years ago.

Britten was sentenced in Nottingham Crown Court to a 12 month community order and ordered to pay £200 towards his own prosecution for an incident that resulted in him being arrested for criminally damaging a bank machine that swallowed his card.

The trouble started when he was unable to get cash out of 2 different bank machines at other locations. When the third time turned out not to be the charm and insult was added to injury when his card was eaten, Britten dialled 999 and told police that he wanted the machine shut down so that nobody else would have to go through the same frustration. Upon being told that police were too busy, he decided to take matters into his own hands and chuck a brick at the screen.

"I was incensed by it all," he is quoted as saying. "I wanted the police to shut the machine down so it would not happen to anyone else. And they said they were too busy... so I smashed it with a brick."

Sounds sensible enough, but unfortunately, he kept talking.

According to prosecutor Sarah Munro, Britten said in interviews with authorities that he would smash every machine in Browtowe.

I bet that didn't help, and come to think of it, neither did this.

The TSB machine was out of action for two months and the damage was estimated at £1,500 to £2,000.

After the judge was told it had to be replaced, Britten said: "So it was a faulty machine, your honour. The machine was no good." The judge replied: "It is now."

Nice try.

This isn't the first time that Britten has been in trouble with the law. He was previously hauled into court for you guessed it, criminal damaging. Last time it was to the doors of a bingo hall. I'd love to know what set that one off.

Wanna Be Stoppin' Somethin'

Michael Jackson dies at 50

Jackson suffered cardiac arrest at his home Thursday afternoon, and paramedics were unable to revive him, according to a report in the L.A. Times.

There had been recent reports that Jackson was in poor health, and his London concert series, billed as a farewell to London, was postponed by a few days.

Wow, just...wow. Was not expecting that.

No matter what you think of him, and lord knows I'vemademyshareof funof the poor bastard over the years, there's no denying that he was one hell of a talent and one of the best entertainers the world has ever seen. Music has lost a true great that wont' be easy to replace.

Rest in peace, you nutty sonofabitch. You'll be missed.

Nicky Nicky 9 Stitches

Students at Winnipeg school assaulted for doorbell-ringing

They were doing exactly what you'd figure, ringing people's doorbells and running away. A couple of guys caught them and roughed them up a tad. Two of them were taken to hospital with minor injuries while 3 others are said to be ok.

So...where's the problem? The story presents it as a bad thing and possibly even a crime, but I prefer to look at it as a good practical lesson not to be irritating little shitheads in the future. The people who did this should be commended for their community spirit and love of teaching, not vilified as criminals. These good folks have the right idea. If you catch these kids while they're still at the doorbell phase, maybe you can keep them from getting to thehose phase,thevomiting off of a bridge and causing car accidents phase,or worst of all, thelight the family home on fire to get somebody but good and wind up killing your father in the process phase.

I guess blow pops was taken...

People Pops sound like they really suck. I find it hard to swallow that nobody thought they were obscene. They mustn't be up on what's appropriate. They should have poled the consumer base. We wood have told them.

Check out this comments thread on Weird Universe. It'll make you laugh really hard.

Doodle Creates Doodoo

Max Yarmolinsky was charged with disorderly conduct and disturbing a school assembly. What caused this? Did he make a bomb threat? No. Did he charge through somewhere in the school with wreckless abandon? No. Did he bring a gun to school? No. Was he drunk and acting weird? Nope. What did he do. He doodled on a piece of paper! *gasp*.

Yarmolinsky was a physics teacher at a school in Norwell, Massachusetts. While he was showing a movie, he doodled on a piece of paper. He left the room once and one of the students picked up the paper and looked at it. I guess it had some violent words on it. In the words of Glen Foster, ooo! the words are coming, the words are coming, run for your lives, words are gonna kill ya!

and it didn't stop there. the kid took the doodle home with him to his parents, who freaked even more and brought the deathly doodle to the principal's office. the principal then called the police, and Mr. Yarmolinsky was charged, fired, kicked off school grounds and told he would be charged with trespassing if he returned.

so what did this doodle say? They won't tell us. they said it was violent, but said it didn't threaten any students or staff. I would have totally understood if there were threats to folks at the school.

This whole thing is ridiculous. I have my suspicions they were looking for a reason to fire the guy. It just seems a little extreme. But it never would have happened if the kid had never snooped on his teacher's desk. I think the kid should get some charges too.

Democracy In Action...Or Something Like That

I'm not sure if what's going on inthis Austin, Tx City Council public hearing videois the result of bike accidents or bad drugs, but my advice to all of you is protect your heads and for God's sake, sober up.

We'll Let You Out Of Jail, It don't Matter If You're Black Or White.

Originally, I was just going to post this because of the guy's name. Falsely released while being held for public intoxication was Richard Daniel Wines. I guess he drank a little too much of the wine.

But I now have questions. He got out by saying he was a 34-year-old black man. He's an 18-year-old white man. they didn't say he got into blackface or anything. They didn't even ask him to verify his social security number, date of birth, etc. Just gave him the black guy's stuff including jewellery, and swung the doors open. Uh, jailer fail.

Now the other guy is pissed. He's been released, minus his valuables of course. He was sleeping when his name was called.

I think somebody's about to get fired. Amazingly the guy who released Wines is still allowed to go on duty until they figure this out. Hmmm. Maybe nobody's gonna get fired.

And Now A Musical Interlude

Since we're talking among other things aboutpeople covering hip-hop songsand since as of this moment I have nothing else to say, here are a couple more good ones that I don't think I've ever posted.

First up is a guy named Mat Weddle from a band called Obadiah Parker doingHey Ya by Outkast.I've never heard anything by Obadiah Parker, perhaps I should. Not sure how this could be topped, but I should at least give them a chance. Who knows, they could be anotherJonathan Coulton,who a lot of people including me got to know through his awesomeBaby got Back cover.

Moving on, we have the classic version of Eazy-E's Boyz-n-the-Hood done bydynamite Hack.Not much more to say here, just listen and enjoy.

To finish off, never forget about what could possibly be the best one of all time,NWA's Straight Outta Compton as performed by Nina Gordon.Iposted this one years ago I know, but the link to the song appears not to be working anymore or at least right now, so here's a new one.

I know there are zillions more of these things, some I've heard and some I haven't. If you know of any that need listening to, feel free to leave a comment or send an email and maybe I'll post some of the good ones if any come in.

Quite The tribute to Quite The Dad

I heard about this essay in the latest premium newsletter from This Is True. wow. That's...one crazy dad. that's one dedicated dad, but one crazy dad for sure. It's sad that his life ended in the middle of doing quite the prickish act. I hope his son can stop blaming himself one day for not acting fast enough to save his dad's life. I don't know if he ever can, but one can hope.

But the essay made me cry, so I thought I'd post a link to it. I wish I'd seen this on Father's Day.

Big Bozeman Wants To Watch You

Here's a scary policy that I'm happy to say died a quick and merciful death.

The city of Bozeman, Montana decided they wanted to have a real good look at applicants for city jobs. Included in the background check was a request for applicants to tell them about all social networking and web groups they were affiliated with, complete with asking for usernames and passwords. I beg your pardon? That is a huge privacy invasion. I personally wouldn't recommend working for, or living in, a city with this low of a regard for privacy. Who knows what they would try next.

Thankfully, after being slammed by phone calls, emails, and all manner of internet outrage, city officials have rescinded the policy and apologized. But I still don't trust them. just read this interview with the city's attorney. He also said in other news stories that they would just stop asking for usernames and passwords, but then demand that city applicants add the city as a friend. Um no. Not good enough.

I have to wonder if the people who created this policy don't use the series of tubes, so somehow just don't get it. But I think someone who advises them does get it, and they're the one who really scares me.

Shoo, PETA, Don't Bother Me

Ug here we go with more PETA bullshit. I think even flies can smell it and would consider it fine food.

President Obama swatted a fly in an interview. PETA decided to seize upon this opportunity and bitch about it, sending him a humane bug catch and release fly trap.

This reminds me of something I saw when I was training to work at that women's shelter a few years ago. We were all talking, and a bug was being particularly annoying and kept resting on our heads. One of the women up and squished it. the leader of the group responded with "Oh I hope noone in here is a buddhist..." All I could think for the rest of the day was good lord we've gone mad.

I think I figured out why PETA wants to save the flies. They sympathize with them, since PETA can be just as annoying and stupid as those bugs.

Lets' Open A Kicking Gilles Blackburn Resort

We've talked before about how dumbasses want to ski out of bounds and then don't want to pay for their own damn rescue. Now, one of those dumbasses may be screwing it up for everyone.

Gilles Blackburn and his wife decided to ski out of bounds at Kicking Horse Resort. They got lost for 9 days and his wife died. After he was rescued, he decided to sue everyone and his brother for not being rescued soon enough. Now, because the province's Provincial Emergency Program isn't providing legal coverage, or isn't providing enough, or something, rescue teams are reconsidering whether or not they can do rescues anymore.

I am confused by two things in this story. 1. the Golden and District Search and Rescue's director says

GADSAR is now under the understanding that its directors can be held legally responsible for the actions of PEP registered SAR volunteers... and that the
directors of that society must act in defense of any legal accusations without the support of PEP. This is unacceptable.

the province responded with

The province covers volunteers for liability, but the search-and-rescue societies are responsible
for getting their own coverage because they are separate legal entities.

Whaaaa? How does that work? I feel like I'm listening to that old song I used to hear whenI was a kid.

Mother May I go out to swim?
Yes you may, my daughter.
Fold your clothes up neat and trim,
but don't go near the water.

Am I missing something? I must be. they have coverage, but they don't have coverage? I sort of kind of get it, I guess you can't sue the actual volunteers for stuff they personally did while dragging your sorry self from the snow, but you can sue the overarching society? I don't understand how that works. You can see why I do not a lawyer make.

the other thing I'm confused about is if search and rescue teams are saying they won't do search and rescue...um...will they all disband? I mean, they're refusing to do what they formed to do. I guess since they're all volunteers, they're perfectly allowed to do that, but is that what this means? Or is it just a temporary protest? Could it mean the disappearance of all search and rescue teams in that area? This would be sad, since I'm pretty sure not all search and rescue efforts are for dumbasses who ski out of bounds. If it was just for those dumbasses, I'd say they got what they deserved.

Way to go, gilles Blackburn. I hope everyone who decides not to go to ski resorts because they're not sure if it's safe anymore because of the lack of search and rescue teams sues you for everything you have, whether or not you win this lawsuit. After all, it is your fault that that service may be gone.

Origins Of The Internet

Ann Adams sent this to me, and it made me chuckle.

Origins of the Internet...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was named Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and the goods can be delivered by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were a wondrous happening. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. He was called a Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominant Siderite, or NERD for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

Har har har. All that's missing is YouTube. But I guess that didn't come around for a while.

Dude Looks Like an Old Dead Lady

We've talked about people trying to claim other people's social security after the other person crokes, but in order for us to talk about them, usually they bring the corpse in. This time, the guy actually impersonated his mother for years after she died, dressing in drag, wearing a wig, using a cane, and being accompanied by a man who said he was his? Her? Nephew.

Apparently it was quite the elaborate fraud. But I think the best quote was "I held my mother when she was dying and breathed in her last breath, so I am my mother." Nice job, Thomas Prusik-Parkin. Nice try, but no cigar.

Matt Humphreys

We just discovered a pretty talented singer, and he's even related to someone we know! How cool is that?

His name is Matt Humphreys, and you should check him out. This guy didn't make it on Canadian Idol...twice. I think I know why. He can actually sing!

First you should check out Mamma Said Knock You Out. Yes, he covered that LL cool J song.

Next, you should go to his website, MattHumphreys.ca.

Finally, if like us, you decide you like his stuff, you should pop over here and buy the only CD of his that I could readily find.

I feel like a bit of a tool that I actually got to see him sing live and his performance escaped my mind. But I guess I can forgive myself, the occasion was a funeral, so I had other things on my mind. I guess I've made up for it now. go matt Humphreys.

Your Argument Has No Teeth, And Neither Do You

I was just thinking. We haven't had a good weirder than weird story in a while. Here's one.

Robert Henry Stahl has a thing for getting in fights with people and then trying to snatch their dentures from their mouths. Why? And how does he know they have dentures? Does he only fight with people he's figured out have false teeth?

Another funny detail was one of his victims' names was Robert E. Hollars. I'm sure he hollared that night.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep WEEEEEEEE!

Not sure if I'm in a weird mood today or if I'm just this much of a dick all the time, but I find this story greatly amusing right now.

China bridge jumper 'gets a push'

A man threatening to commit suicide by jumping from a Chinese bridge was approached by a passer-by who shoved him over the edge, local media say.

Lai Jiansheng, 66, said he was fed up with the desperate man's "selfish activity" which caused huge traffic jams in Guangzhou, southern China.

Chen Fuchao fell 26ft (8m) on to an air cushion and is recovering in hospital, the official Xinhua news agency said.

Xinhua said Mr Lai was "taken away by police", but gave no further details.

Traffic around the bridge was stopped for five hours while officers tried to coax Mr Chen to safety.

Retired soldier Mr Lai at first volunteered to try to talk Mr Chen down but was turned away by police, Xinhua said.

Mr Lai is said to have then broken through the police cordon, climbed to where Mr Chen sat, greeted him with a handshake - and then pushed him off the edge.

Pictures in the China Daily show him saluting to the crowd after Mr Chen fell on to the partially filled emergency air cushion.

"I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish," the newspaper quoted Mr Lai as saying.

"Their action violates a lot of public interests. They do not really dare to kill themselves. Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals."

Two things:

1. This Lai fellow may have made history by being the first person to be taken away by Chinese police who has ever been heard from again.

2. What he says about these road clogging bastards might be true. According to the BBC report I'm working from here, 12 people have threatened to jump off of this bridge since the start of April alone and not one has actually done it, but as the article helpfully points out, "each has held up traffic for several hours."

and for the sake of telling the full story as best I can...

3. Chen Fuchao is likely going to be fine. He's in hospital nursing some spine and elbow injuries but is expected to live to obstruct another day.

NEADS Study

You know how I like to post info about studies. Here's another one.

Study on the Use and Accessibility of Social Media by College and University Students with Disabilities in Canada

The Adaptech Research Network, in partnership with the National Educational Association of Disabled Students (NEADS), has launched a national, cross-disability empirical study examining the use and accessibility of social media by college and university students with visible and invisible disabilities. For the purposes of this research, social media includes social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace, online gaming, virtual worlds such as SecondLife, along with instant messaging services, blogs, wikis and sites such as YouTube, RateMyProfessor.com, and Classmates.com. Issues to be investigated include: understanding what social media postsecondary students with disabilities currently use and why; what, if any accessibility-related issues these users face; and for those who do not use social media, why.

As colleges and universities, along with sectors such as government, employers and all manner of commerce turn to social media to reach prospective, current and graduating college and university students broadly, it is more important then ever to have data on who is using what social media, and understand and address any accessibility barriers. Failure to do so could result in denying full participation by all college and university students, including those with disabilities, in the full range of opportunities that engaging with social media offers.

For more information on the study, contact Project Leader, Jennison Asuncion jennison@adaptech.org

Since 1996, the Adaptech Research Network has been publishing and presenting empirical, Canadian research primarily into the use and accessibility of information and communication technologies by college and university students with disabilities. This includes a recently completed three-year study looking at the accessibility of e-Learning, and the development of evaluation tools that campuses can use to assess their ICT accessibility from either the service provider or students with disabilities perspective. We have further extended our research scope, exploring the persistence of college and university students with disabilities (stay tuned for a separate announcement on another study). Based at Dawson College in Montreal, the team is Co-Directed by Catherine Fichten, Maria Barile, and Jennison Asuncion. Our website (to be refreshed over the summer) is located at www.adaptech.org

so there ya have it. If you feel inclined, send him an email.

Here Dumbass dumbass dumbass. That's right. come Here. over here. *Slap*!

I've got a new dog story for ya. I've bitched before about people making kissy noises at my dog to get her to move, or calling my dog from across the lawn when she's taking a poop. This one's a whole new level of what the hell?

I got on the bus. I sat down. A guy came on and said hey puppy and tried to pet Trixie. I told him not to do that along with another lady. He said ok. Then he sat down across from me. Midway through the ride, I heard that kissy sound coming from him along with the words "Come here. Come here puppy." He was saying it all quietly, almost as if he hoped I wouldn't hear him.

My mouth fell open. Then, as if I was a puppet on a string, words came from me that I had no plan on saying. Suddenly, I was saying "What the hell do you think you're doing?" This is the first time I've yelled at someone right out of the gate, but good god, I think it was warranted.

Seriously folks, what kind of crack do you have to be smoking to try and call a service dog away from its handler? Like come on. did he think he was going to rescue the poor dog from its life of slavery or something? Listen dude, I'm not Cruella De Vil. You can relax. the dog is happy. And no, you can't have her, she's not yours.

Theme From The Bottom...Of The Barrel

Hot on the heels oftheir attempt to get the Pet Shop Boys to change their name to the Rescue Shelter Boys,the good folks from PETA are making another forray into the music industry.

Today's target is Phish, who obviously need tochange their name to Sea Kittens, at least for a while.

My only question is how did they not come up with this sooner? Oh right, they were probably too busyexploiting dead people for personal gain.

"Dear Trey, Jon, Mike, and Page (aka Phish),

"I am writing on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and our more than 2 million members and supporters worldwide–many of whom are Phish fans, of course. We have a new campaign in which we generate empathy for fish by rebranding them as 'sea kittens.' Would you contribute to our efforts and end your tour on a high note by temporarily renaming Phish 'Sea Kittens?'

"We launched our 'Sea Kittens' campaign because few people are aware that fish are actually smart animals with personalities. For example, they communicate and develop relationships with one another, feel pain when injured (their lips are particularly sensitive, and they use them like we use our fingers), show affection by gently rubbing against other fish, and even grieve when other fish they like die.

"However, billions of them are kidnapped (er, kitten-napped) from their watery homes each year. As they are dragged from the ocean depths, fish endure an excruciating decompression process (which often causes their internal organs to rupture) before suffocating on the ship's deck.

"Our campaign aims to convince people to choose tasty vegetarian meals instead of fish flesh and to pick harmless outdoor activities such as hiking instead of impaling fish with metal hooks for fun. Whether they are catfish or cats, bass or basset hounds, all animals deserve lives free from needless pain.

"Phish has a long history of promoting social justice. Renaming the band Sea Kittens would be a great way to help sea kittens rock on, free from fishing nets and hooks, even if just for a day. Please let me know what you decide, and best of luck with your future endeavors.

"Sincerely,
"Michelle Cho
"Special Projects Manager"

Wanted: Good Title For A Post About Paint

They've been doing a bunch of painting in our building over the last week or so and while I'm glad to see them earning the rent increase we've just been given, I still hate them for it because paint fumes and I have never really gotten along. I've had problems with headaches ever since I was a kid, and one of the things that never fails to set the old noggin to pounding is the smell of paint. It doesn't matter if it's fresh on the wall or if it's been dry for a few days, if I can smell it, I'm pretty much done for. Needless to say, I haven't been the happiest guy of late.

Thankfully the smashing in my skull isn't preventing me from thinking (yeah yeah yeah, first time for everything and all that other unoriginal shit), and today while being mad at the paint I got to wondering. All kinds of things are being developed in either pleasant-smelling or odourless versions, so why not paint? I mean if they can make stuff that has no need to smell like anything into a friggin lilac and cherry-flavoured bonanza and make soap into a block of nothingness, why has nobody bothered to fix paint? I've met exactly 0 people who like the smell of paint fumes, so why is nobody working on this?

To find out, I decided to go where everybody goes for answers nowadays, Google. and now that I've been there, my day has gotten significantly worse. It turns out that people have been working on this very thing, so much so that the stuff appears to be for sale. So that leads me to a new question. If odourless paint exists, why does nobody in the world appear to be using it? Is it a matter of cost? Is the quality poor? Are the odourless paint people long on creativity but short on promotional skills? Are painters just assholes that thrive on the misery of people like me? If anybody knows, I'd love it if you'd share.

In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be trying to restrain myself from accidently kicking over the next ladder I see up here.

Was This The Lion From The Wizard Of OZ?

don't beat these chihuahuas with a spatula. I think they just saved the lives of Ana Lee Spray and her whole family.

Apparently, Spray woke up to a hell of a lot of barking from her 3 toy chihuahuas, each weighing about 3 pounds. they were in the garage. When she checked on the dogs, she found them barking and guarding the door, and in the garage with them was a giant, cornered, angry wild cat of some variety. She got on the horn to 911, and officers arrived to find that it was a grown mountain lion. I guess it thought the chihuahuas would be a good quick snack. they didn't think so, and managed to corner and scare the thing. This doesn't surprise me. When I was a kid, we had a pet toy poodle, and my god she would chase a bear if you let her. She treed a raccoon once just by barking.

The officers chased it out of the garage and tried to tranquilize the cat so they could return it to the wild, but it would have none of it, so caboom, it had to die.

What a way to wake up. I think those dogs deserve quite a few doggy treats.

Do Your Research, Friend

Note to potential robbers: Before selecting the place to rob, figure out what it is. for example, the Black Diamond Equipment Company does not deal in diamonds. It looks like he got a pretty good haul anyway, unfortunately for the black Diamond Equipment Company.

Take The Money And Run, But Not To The Bank

Victor Delfi was not meant to be a bank robber. He even apologized before he left the bank. But the big sign that he wasn't cut out for this was his choice to deposit the dye-stained cash in his personal bank account. that didn't go so well. I'm amazed he managed to deposit some of the money, he had deposited 600 bucks at two different bank branches before bank personnelle at branch no. 3 went "Wait wait wait!"

Anyway, now his pants may be stained. the police came and got him.

Austin Steve Irwin?

Ok, poll time, except I'm too stupid to come up with an actual poll. How many think Austin Stevens is a two-bit Steve Irwin clone? I saw him on discovery yesterday and all I could think was "You know you wanna pet a stingray. You wanna. I double dog dare ya."

I know that's mean, but this guy looked like he was copying Steve Irwin down to the last detail. It was kind of disgusting. I thought Steve Irwin was a bit of a fool for doing what he did, but at least he was original. This guy just looked like a stupid fool who was trying to be somebody else. Am I alone in this?

And God Said, Let There Be Horrible Mutilations Of The English Language, And It Was So.

The other day, Steve happened to be cruisin' around our page and saw an ad for a text lingo bible. We can't click on it, but it sure peaked our curiosity. Steve and I thought two different things. I thought it was like a lexicon for all things textspeak. Steve thought it was a translation of the bible into textspeak. From the sounds of this article, Steve was right.

The Bible Society in Australia has produced a translation of the Bible in SMS version. "In da Bginnin God cre8d da heavens & da earth. Da earth waz barren,
wit no 4m of life; it waz unda a roaring ocean cuvred wit dRkness", are the beginning verses of the SMS version.

Unfortunately that's all I can see, but the entire old and new testaments have been converted, and you can ask for verses and they'll be texted to your, I mean ur, phone. Somebody wasted, I mean spent 4 weeks of their life doing this.

Eek. And we thought the pig latin bible was bad.

Solona

God I hate not being able to sleep. I've been awake since about quarter to four this morning, and I eventually got up at about 4:15 and tried to burn myself out. didn't work. You'd think this was Steve writing this post, but nope, it's me. And I'm not even preparing for a life-changing event like guide dog school like last time this happened to me. But I did manage to solve a mystery that's been bugging me, so I figured I'd post about it. Yeah, you can tell I've been up for a while. Even writing this, I sound like I have the writing skills of a zombie.

So...the mystery. Back a while ago, I found out about a new captcha-solving tool for us blinks. this was in addition to WebVisum. This one is called Solona. The two big advantages to Solona are that it does not require the installation of a plugin, or the use of a specific browser, and your captchas are solved by a human operator. The one disadvantage is that the process for obtaining the captcha is, well, slightly ugly. It's not horrible, but it's a bit clumsy. But it's true that with practice you can get it really fast.

But I didn't care about the ugly process. My mind was frozen on one word. Human! A human? I got very excited. A human solves the captcha. Do you know what this could mean? It could mean the possibility to solve this type of captcha, or this one, or maybe even this one. But I was too busy to look into it just yet. so I put it off.

Then this stupid insomnia happened, and I thought what the hell? I'm not sleeping, I might as well try this out. So I hopped on over to Solona, read their instructions, and made myself a hot little Solona account.

Here's how the beast works. First, you make an account. That's pretty simple. Then you go to the Solona main page and check if an operator is standing by. right now, it appears to be a one-man band, *thank you Bernard Maldonado*. so anyway, you check if he's online. If he is, get ready to submit the captcha. You hit submit captcha, and here's how you get the picture to Solona...at least for windows-users. There are a million and six different versions of the instructions, so I'll just explain how I could do it. In another window or tab, you get to the page where the accursed word verf is, you point at the field where you're supposed to submit it, and you hit alt print screen. Note' don't be a dope like me. Always maximize the window first. *slaps self*.

So anyway. You've print screened. Now, open paint, or better yet, have paint already open and ready to receive your picture. Hit control v. Now save it as a 256-colour bitmap. It will whinge about the loss of colour. We don't care about colour. We just want the damn captcha.

Now pop over to the solona submit captcha area and upload the paint bmp file, and wait. Hit the refresh button on the page, not the one in your browser...this is important. Hit it every few seconds, and soon, you will get a very human response!

the first time, the response was,"maximize the window. I can't see the captcha." Woops. Carin is a dork.

but the next time, when I submitted one of these new fangled captchas, I got the response. It was...

...

...

solona can't do this type of captcha.

*sob*.

Oh well, I tried. I have emailed the poor fellow. We'll see what he says. I gave him links to all those captchas, so he knows what I'm talking about. I'm not holding out a lot of hope, but hey, if you don't ask, you'll never receive.

But I do think Solona is a cool idea for anyone who doesn't have an up to date version of JAWS to do WebVisum, or anyone who just doesn't want to install Firefox and WebVisum. More tools and more options are always better.

So to anyone who's interested, give Solona a try for solving those captchas with the distorted text. But read their instructions first. It will make the process less painful for sure.

I Like My Fries Assaulty

How better to start a Friday morning than with a family food fight? No better, I say.

Dennis Hickman III, 16, seems to really like his fries. So much so that when his mother, 52-year-old Sheila Ross wouldn't share some of her's with him, it made him so mad that hebeat her with a baseball bat, slashed the tires on her car and kicked the bejesus out of the front door of their home, knocking it off of its hinges.

He has been charged with first-degree assault and jailed on $10000 bond. Felony charges against him have been dropped for now, but there's a chance they could be introduced again later.

These School Officials Suffered A Dangerous Low In Intelligence

Here's an example of somebody enjoying having a teeny weeny bit of power.

Caitlin Perry is diabetic. One day, she felt her sugar dropping, so asked her friend to go get her another fruit cup. Her friend did, but before Perry could open it, the cook came over to her, yelled at her, said she'd already had one fruit cup and couldn't have another, told her she was stealing and despite Perry explaining that she needed it because her sugar was dropping, both kids were hustled off to the principal's office where Perry was forced to write a letter of apology.

I can't find it in the version of the story that I managed to find, but "this is True" said that she was smart enough to include in that letter that she didn't think it would be a problem because her sugar was low.

Once her father got screaming mad and took this to the media, everybody got off their high horses and realized that this was a huge mistake. Well, all the principal will say is that the issue was resolved. I'm really not sure how. But the thing is this wouldn't have been an issue if the cook and the principal had, uh, listened to what the kid said and stopped acting like they were on a power trip.

The scary part is the dad had taken her out of private school because he knew public schools were supposed to have been trained in helping kids with diabetes. Hmmm. Maybe they took the same training as the officers who dealt with James Bludsworth.

Shadows, Lights, Camera, Action!

Just a quick plug for our buddy Anton. He's in a play! How cool is that? We're going to go see him, and we thought we'd put the info up here for anyone who's interested. Here's the site, and here's the press release.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Out of Sight Productions presents
'I Only See Shadows' by Kelly MacDonald
at the 2009 London Fringe Festival

London, Ontario, April 27, 2009 – Out of Sight Productions, London's leading theatre company featuring sight-challenged performers, is presenting London playwright Kelly MacDonald's 'I Only See Shadows' at the London Fringe Festival, June 18th to 28th.

Life is not easy for January Banting. When she's not dealing with discouraged and angry people in her job at the Adjustment to Blindness Centre, Jan is enduring the fear of dangerous walks home after dark and other daily challenges faced by a person with restricted vision. And now she has this new client, Joe. There is something mysterious and shadowy about Joe. The 'accident' that caused Joe's loss of vision he keeps a secret, but why? And then there is the attraction between them, ill advised yet irresistible. Jan is quickly falling in love with her secretive client Joe, but what is it about Joe's past that he has to hide? Jan will find out, but the answer is not one she expects or wants.

'I Only See Shadows', Written and Directed by Kelly MacDonald, features:
Rose Bonner, Lyn Cooper, Brad Salmon, Anton Mijatovic, Vincent Costello and Carole Holton.

'I Only See Shadows' will be performed as part of the 2009 London Fringe Festival at the Spriet Family Theatre, Covent Garden Market Mezzanine, 130 King Street, London, Ontario:
Saturday, June 20 at 6:30 pm
Sunday, June 21 at 3:00 pm
Monday, June 22 at 8:00 pm
Wednesday, June 24 at 8:30 pm
Friday, June 26 at 7:30 pm
Sunday, June 28 at 6:00 pm

For further information, please contact Out of Sight Productions at:
Web: www.oosproductions.com
Email: info@oosproductions.com
Phone: 519-675-0379

Tickets
BackerButton
$5.00 for adults; $1.00 for children. Available at Headquarters or at the venue. Everyone must purchase a Backer Button to see shows.
Advance tickets
Advance tickets are available until 10:00pm the night before the show (Advance tickets cannot be purchased on the day of the show). All advance tickets are $10.00 ea; with a $2.00 service charge per ticket. Advance Ticket orders will be available for pickup at the performance venue 45 minutes before the show.
Advance tickets (on-line only at www.fringetix.ca): go on sale Monday, June 8.
Same Day
Same Day tickets go on sale 45 minutes before the show starts. Cash only. Limit of 4 tickets per person at the door.

So there ya have it. I'm not a uber fan of the plot summary, sounds a touch lame, but poor Anton didn't write it, so I can't blame him for that. We'll be there for the June 28 show. I'm looking forward to it.

Do As We Say, Not As We Promote

I've learned something today. Were it not for the great work of the Toronto Better Buildings Partnership, I would have had no idea how much it took to send out a 1-page press release.

It arrived in a large brown paper envelope, padded with plastic bubble wrap.

Inside the envelope was a cardboard box.

Inside the box, stuffed with tissue paper, was a green Lego toy, representing a building, with the Better Buildings Partnership logo on it.

Also in the box was a colour picture of the Lego toy; a piece of paper with the Better Buildings Partnership logo; and a one-page release about the Better Buildings Partnership.

You may be asking yourself just what is the Toronto Better Buildings Partnership. A fair question, but since you're reading about this here at the internet's unofficial home of stupid, I bet you already know. Yes, the Toronto Better Buildings Partnership is an agency dedicated toenergy conservation.

Nice work, fellas!

A big nice work also goes to Angela Gurley of Ketchum Public Relations who tried her damndest to defend this thing, but ended up sounding the closest to um...yeah but...er...well...no fair! as I've ever heard a PR person sound.

"The paper itself – the actual one-page letter – was on recycled paper," she said. "And we did make sure it was pushed down to one page, so it wasn't utilizing multiple pieces of paper."

What about the bubble-wrap envelope, cardboard box, plastic toy, tissue paper and colour logo?

"I'll have to go back to the team and talk about how the packaging was put together," she said. "That's a valid point, and I'll definitely talk to them about that."

And before anybody mentions it, no, the irony of this report coming from the newspaper industry, one of the biggest abusers of paper and packaging going definitely isn't lost on me, but I read it from the website so I'm not part of the problem.

Continuing To Climb The Ladder To Suckcess

The poor UK. It just can't seem to get over itsfear of ladders.

Things have gotten so bad that the South Kesteven District Council has decided no longer to fly the Union Jack at the town hall in Bourne, England becausethat 8-foot ladder they would have to use to put it up sure is scary and unsafe.

What more can be said? Well, maybe this.

Brian Fines, 72, a member of the council and former mayor as well as a former lieutenant colonel in the military, said the decision is an insult to veterans and armed services members.

"What a sad and sick society we're becoming," he said. "This despotic government's health and safety laws have prevented the council flying a flag from the building that's the hub of our town. We're told they're not allowed to use a ladder to access the mast, which is ridiculous. It's annoying and upsetting a lot of people."

Things Go Better With CO2ca Cola

I hardly consider myself an environmentalist and I'm not entirely sure I buy the notion that climate change is as bad as I'm supposed to think it is, but I know complete stupidity when I hear it,and boy oh boy,did I hear some just now.

The link above goes to a video of Joe Barton, Republican Representative for Texas (shocking I know) explaining that there's no need to regulate CO2 because, among other reasons, it occurs naturally in Coca Cola and is therefore safe for people and not a threat. We are also informed that God cannot be regulated, not even by House Democrats. This is 3 minutes of full on retard that's not to be missed.

I have to give credit where it's due though. He does manage to string together complete sentences unlike that last government guy from Texas who said stupid things a lot. If you're not paying attention, it almost seems like he knows what he's talking about. Credit also goes to the interviewers for not interrupting him with the howls of laughter he so richly deserves.

Texting A Landline Just Got dumber

Wow. I just learned something else about that rogers Wireless txt 2 Landline service. Not only is it cumbersome, it's cumbersome and it costs dough.

I mentioned in that message that I got a thank you message with the message I sent. I thought I'd read the whole thing, but then I read it later on. It said "There is no surcharge for this message. A premium of $0.15 will be charged for each subsequent message."

So...I get to pay for this inconvenience. I know it's only the cost of a text message if you dont' have a plan, but still. You're paying for that crazy runaround. Here's a piece of advice. Next time you get the urge to text a landline, just don't. Call the landline and be done with it.

How Is Babby Formed?

We saw this little clip the other day and now it randomly pops back into our heads, especially now that our neighbour had her baby. We keep calling the little guy babby.

According to Encyclopedia Dramatica, this little creation was based off of a post that has been written on Yahoo answers, which after further digging, I believe I have found! If you've never used Yahoo Answers, this is why you never should, and if you've ever stumbled into some Yahoo Answers, you will know exactly why this is so funny.

I don't know how old this is, so if we're late to the party, I guess we are. I think we're allowed to be late to a few parties after finding all the weird news we do. Enjoy!

Cell Phone Seminar

There's an interesting online seminar, I refuse to say webinar with any seriousness, being put on by Citizens with Disabilities of Ontario. the subject is cellphones and people with disabilities and the presenter is Jeff Stark. I think they ask some pretty interesting questions, and if you register, you can ask questions of your own. It will be held on June 26 at 7:30 p.m. It doesn't say, but since this is an Ontario group, I would assume the time would be Eastern. go here for some basic info, go here for the list of questions Jeff Stark plans to answer, and go here to register. I'm signed up, we'll see if I can get some useful info out of it.

Want To Have Your Phone Talk Right Out Of The Box? There's An App For That.

This is pretty cool news. The iPhone that is being released in mid July will come equipped with a version of Voiceover, the Mac's screen-reader. That means that, out of the box, the iPhone will work for blind folks. We won't need to buy another screen-reader package and lay out more cash. That's a pretty awesome idea.

I don't know if I'd want an iPhone just because other phones have other features, but lots of people love iPhones, so that world just opened up to blinks. I almost wanna see one of these babies.

We Notice Too Many Ads

Here we go again with the comercials.

I saw an ad for Iams dog food that said that the food would produce the seven signs of healthy vitality. Uh, what other kind of vitality is there? I've never heard of unhealthy vitality. I guess cancer could have healthy vitality that would be unhealthy for you, so maybe they have a point, but my brain had to stretch to reach that one. I couldn't find a commercial, but I found a link to their seven signs.

There was a Leons commercial on that definitely made me raise my eyebrows. I can't find it, so I'll try to describe it. It showed the same lady who was in the rogers "He's soooo handy!" commercial. She was calling herself Barbara bailout and was talking about your financial forecast. She said something like "It shows a 40 percent chance of layoff, and a 70 percent chance of your financial planner not returning your phone calls...hello?" This was immediately followed by the Leon's guy telling you that you should come in and buy furniture because the "No Money Miracle Event" was on. Yeah, because when I'm already financially screwed, and have had that fact pointed out to me just now, the first thing I want to do is go buy a big expensive couch. but the scary part is a bunch of people will hear "no interest," and they'll go buy stuff they don't need and can't afford. Then they'll need a miracle to find money. Maybe they should check their new couch for change.

Here's an example of an ad that doesn't work. It was for Advair, some asthma drug. Among its, er, side-effects was asthma-related death. Uh, death? Isn't it supposed to prevent asthma-related death? that's why you're taking it, right?

Continuing on the drug front, I had to laugh when I noticed the squirming going on to do with an ad for a birth control pill called Yas. This article explains it pretty well. It's hard to find a copy of the commercial since I guess the FDA was screaming that it disappear, but I found one with horribly shitty sound. that was the best I could do. Basically the ad made it sound like the pill would help girls with PMS and zits. Then, This ad came out. "You may have seen some ads for yas that were not clear," the chick says. "The FDA wants us to clear up a few points in those ads." A few points? She proceeds to rewrite the ad from beginning to end. Nice job, guys.

Here's something disturbing. They're called Hormel Compleats. Yes, I discovered that was how it was supposed to be spelled. when I first started watching the ad, it just seemed like an ad for a TV dinner. Whatever. It talked about real food that could be microwaved and it would be ready in 90 seconds. But it said the following words. "From the supermarket to your drawer, ..." Drawer? Back the truck up. If it's supposed to be a microwavable meal, what's it doing in a drawer. Here's an ad for them. What does it look like? Is it in a can? I don't think so. Here's an article describing one.

There's an ad for something called Charco caps and it said they were preferred by 4 out of five people with gas. What kind of gas? Don't we all have some kind of gas? But I don't think we're all downing these charco-caps things.

does anyone else want to kill the talking giant Super 8 Sign? I can't find the radio commercial that drives me bananas, so this one will have to do. In the radio commercial, he keeps insisting that Joanna needs to take her colleagues to a Super 8 for their sales meeting, because there's all kinds of great stuff nearby like water slides and a llama farm...why a troop of business folk would want to go to a llama farm is beyond me. He's sure that with all the money she'll save, she'll be employee of the month. "Hey!" he yells. "You'll get your face in a frame!" By now, his voice has reached this pitch and tone that grates on the ears..and then he yells something that sounds like, "I got free breakfast and internets!" Internets? Super 8 has more than one internet? Ug. Maybe that's a good idea, just so the sign can have his own internet so he won't pop into your emails to tell you all about "dethtination thuper."

A couple of the Rona commercials are really weird. there's one where this guy spontaneously starts ripping part of the house apart...and suddenly he's built a deck. The only problem is it's in the middle of the living room. then the slogan comes on. "Rona: Doing it right." Uh, if I'm not mistaken, I think what just happened was wrong. That just seemed like a slogan placement fail.

Then there were a couple of iPhone commercials that grabbed our attention because they make us think weird things. there's one that says If you need to fix a wabbly bookshelf, there's an app for that. Why is it that we always think the app involves shoving the phone under one of the legs to prop it up? I'm sure it is some kind of laser level or something, but that's not what immediately comes to mind.

Or there's the one that says Or if you just want to read a regular old book, there's an app for that. If they mean you're reading a book electronically, that's not reading a regular old book. that's reading an eBook. Unless the phone is going to turn the pages for you and somehow read the print book, it's not helping you read a "regular old book."

What's with the rash of commercials whose slogans are simply telling you that choosing their product is a good choice? Have they run out of ideas? first it was the Nissan commercials that just name the car and say "good decision." Then I saw commercials for some Hyundai that said "It's a smart choice." Moving away from cars, there was a commercial for beer and all they could come up with was "It's a good beer decision." come on. That's just lame.

The last one I noticed was an ad for Hellmann's Mayonaise. Listen to the chick who says "and yes to real, yes to Hellmann's." doesn't it sound like she's either taking a crap or she's being forced to say those words? As an aside, since when does that commercial make any sense. "make real food yourself. Buy our processed mayo." Hmmm. Something's wrong.

And that's all we've got for this round of commercials. Probably everyone thinks we're super weird now.

Texas Injustice

Of course this happened in Texas. Where else would a profoundly mentally handicapped guy get 100 years in prison for anything? But Aaron Hart got 100 years based on five different charges stemming from the same crime. By the sounds of it, it was quite the railroading.

From what I understand, Aaron Hart has an IQ of 47 and they put him at about the mental capacity of a second-grader. He was living with his parents, doing little chores for neighbours. One evening, he was mowing the neighbour's lawn. Somehow, he ended up in the back shed with her six-year-old step-son and when they were found, Hart was fondling the boy. He was arrested.

Now, I am never one to try and say a sexual offense wasn't really that bad, but try and remember being a little kid. Hasn't there ever been a time when kids have said "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."? I'm wondering if that's what happened. I mean, if both boys had about the same mental capacity, maybe that's all it was.

Next thing Hart knew, he was being taken away. He didnt' even know why, and wondered if he was going to get paied for mowing the lawn. he was not read a special version of the Miranda rights for people who have cognitive disabilities, and before he knew it, he had confessed to five felonies.

then he was appointed a public defender who didn't do a very good job. He didn't ask for special accommodations, and Hart was assessed by a doctor to see if he was competent to stand trial. but the tests he used were for people with psychiatric disorders, not for people with developmental delays, so Hart was deemed competent.

Next, when the jury was trying to figure out what would happen to him if they found him guilty and asked if there were other options than prison, the judge wouldn't give them a clear answer. They thought the sentences would be made concurrent, so were shocked when the judge stacked them. *Clang!* 100 years for the guy.

What a horrible chain of events. I'm surprised they didn't try and fry the guy. This is Texas, after all.

USBeans

This is a scary sign of the times. Because we're sooo busy that we can't make it out for lunch, Heinz has invented the beanzawave. What is it? A tiny microwave oven that you can hook up to a USB port on a laptop that uses radio frequencies to cook your food...so you never have to leave your desk again.

I've got another cool invention. It's called a break. Using the break, you can get away from your desk, get some exercise, refresh your mind, and when you return to your desk, you'll be far more productive.

As an aside, I love the other uses they think this thing would have. They say you could bring it on a plane with you and just hook it up to your laptop. Uh, yeah, because security will be so totaly ok with you bringing a small microwave oven on a plane with you.

Um, eek. I don't have any more words.

My Wife Makes Me Wear A Burnin' Ring Of Fire

Now here's a, um, memorable invention? It's the Remember Ring. Here's how it works.

The Remember Ring™ utilizes patent pending Hot Spot™ technology to deliver a reminder that it's "That time of the year again!"

24 hours before your special day, the Hot Spot™ on the interior surface of your Remember Ring™ will warm to 120º F for approximately 10 seconds, and continue to warm up every hour, on the hour, all day long!

Hot enough to cause discomfort but not hot enough to burn-the Remember Ring™ is impossible to ignore!

Sounds like the most evil gift from a woman who's sick of the dude forgetting their anniversary. He'll remember now...he'll remember to take the damn ring off...then he'll forget what it was supposed to remind him about.

The Most Successful Bath By Far

Well would ya look at that? I have a very clean dog, and our bathroom isn't wet. I went to that place I was talking about that let me bathe her myself but had all the stuff there so I wouldn't have to deal with the mess. Everybody in Guelph, if your dog needs a bath, take the pooch to Royal City Grooming!

First off, the tub is at your level, so you don't have to bend down. Second, there's a tie connected to the wall that you put on her and then she can't get out. Trix took this rather well, I think because it all happened so fast. Third, they have this cool nozzle that only sprays when you squeeze it, so you don't waste water. Yea! I had her wetted down in no time. Then they had this concentrated shampoo that they diluted in water and then had me pour all over her. Then it was just rubba rubba rubba rubbaroo, and then rinse her off and she was all good and clean! The lady even checked to make sure I got all the soap out.

We towelled her off for a while, and then the lady asked me if she could tolerate a blower. I wasn't sure, but she didn't seem to have a big problem with it as long as you didn't get her head. the coolest part of the blower was it blew out all the loose hair. Oh yeah, there was hair all over the wall.

When we left, Trix was still a tad wet, but not nearly as wet as she was when we'd just finished, and she didn't soak us when she shook off. The groomer even double checked to make sure the collar was on right! Not only that, but she snipped her toenails and checked her ears. She told me she looked damn good. I always like to hear that.

Trixie was not a happy camper when we first set off back towards the bus stop, but she calmed down and worked like a little trooper all the way home. She was so happy that she leapt and bounded the last few steps into the apartment.

That place is awesome. It is officially my dog-bathing spot. Go royal City Grooming! You are king!

Why Was This Even Created?

Today, I came across what I think is the most useless service I've seen in a long time. It is, get ready for this, Rogers Wireless to Land Line text message service.

Ok, here's how it works. You send a text message to a phone number that is a land line. A message returns to you asking you if you would like to send an English or French message. You pick your preference. That line rings, and the person picks up. As they pick up, you receive a couple of text messages, one thanking you for using the service, another informing you that they got your message. An automated voice says that they are receiving a text message from a Rogers Wireless number, and they can press 1 to hear it. They do, and the message is read aloud by an automated voice. then they can reply or disconnect. If they reply, their message is recorded and a text is sent to your cellphone.

The text tells you you got a reply, and you have to call a number to get the message. You call the number, and you are asked to enter your ten-digit cell number to receive the message. After you've heard it, you can either listen to it again or disconnect. There is no further ability to communicate.

Just think about that. All of that dialing and talking and sending and receiving of messages, just so you can send *one* text message each way. Why not just call the person? The point of a text message is that it should be quick and easy. Jumping through all those hoops just so you can send a text message to a phone that can't usually receive text messages seems ridiculous.

So who is this service useful for? Can somebody tell me? I'd love to know.

Rich Little Bird

Watch this video! Let's hope this bird never comes to a city where there are audible signals and decides to mimic them, and some silly blind person believes him. Isn't that an amazing talent?

new GDB Alumni Chapter Forming

Here's a quick note to anyone interested. There's a guy in Toronto, Chris, who wants to set up a Canada-wide chapter of the GDB alumni association. All the meetings would be done through conference calls, and maybe some get-togethers will get organized. It's open to anyone in Canada who has a dog from GDB. If you're interested in joining, send me an email and I'll pass you on to him. I just didn't want to put his email address up here and subject him to spam.

It would be kind of neat to have contact with people across the country, even just to offer advice on how to get certain products that don't ship to Canada from the United States, or to discuss access laws and stuff like that. I figure we don't have anything to lose.

So if you're interested, shoot me an email and I'll connect you up with Chris. You have to provide him with your name, your dog's name and your email address, and then you'll receive a GDB volunteer form thingy that you have to sign and send back, but that's about it.

I hope this takes off! It could be cool.

Google Maps Just Got Cooler

I just discovered the coolest thing! I had no idea, but google Maps has a feature where you can figure out how to get from point a. to point b. via public transit! How awesome! I don't know how long this feature has been in existence, but I'm abig fan.

I would always recommend trying out how well Google fairs with your city's bus system by asking it to find some places by public transit that you already know how to find before letting it tell you where an unfamiliar place is, and if the place is in a really weird spot, consult your own transit service's website, but from what I tried, it seems pretty cool. It will even tell you how often certain routes run and what the stop ID's are. It even found the stop you would use for finding Steve's old place, and noone knows where that damn stop is.

So, if you want directions from one place to another by public transit, go to Google Directions, and choose public transit from the box. Your other choices are car and walking. I think the walking directions kind of suck because they still talk to you as if you're driving a car. For example, how does one "bear left" on a sidewalk. Hellooo! And they never give you cross streets, but I guess that is only a relevant detail for us blinks because the rest of the world can read a street sign. The only difference I've seen between the walking and car directions is they lengthen the time it takes to get from one place to another, and I still think the person would have to be a pretty fast walker to make those times. But this whole bus thing is super cool! If you've never used it before, try it out!

Doggy Tale-Ends

I realized my title might freak someone out. No, Trixie didnt' die, and I'm sure I'll be writing more stuff. I was trying to be somewhat funny, and probably epically failed, causing several unintentional heart attacks.

There were a few things I forgot to mention in my last dog post, and then a couple more happened, so I think I could probably squeak out another one now.

I had something happen the other day that made me realize why some people think the dog is taking me where I want to go and I'm just along for the ride, and it's not all stupid. I realized that sometimes, it must kind of look like it. I don't know why this took me so long to figure out.

I was going somewhere we go a lot, and Trixie seemed thrilled to bits that we were going there, so I hardly had to give any signals. I might have moved my hand ever so slightly to the left or right, but that was all it took. Then I noticed myself saying "yeah, that's it!" That's when it hit me. People don't see the signals and then they might hear "yeah, that's right." and think the dog's doing all the thinking. I used to think it was so ridiculous before because I would be doing a lot of signals and footwork, plus I thought the idea of an animal taking a person to a destination while the person had no mind of their own was utterly stupid. But so many people think guide dogs have such mysterious powers, and sometimes it appears that they do, so I could see how a casual observer might have the idea reinforced that the dog is doing all the work when they see a team going somewhere that they go all the time and it seems the person doesn't have to do anything.

Then there are the times when her initiative shines through and she is taking me a different way than we usually go, and in a loose sense, she is steering more than I am. There are two ways to get to the main corner that leads to pretty much everywhere. There's the way through the parking lot that I take all the time because there are lots of landmarks and it's easy to know where I am, but it takes longer. Then there is a shortcut across the grass. I've usually only taken it with a friend walking alongside. In the winter, it's impossible, but in the summer, it's doable. I had never done it alone with Trixie because it just made me too nervous that I didn't have a lot of landmarks. Then, while Trixie and I were playing on Flexi, I started noticing that she would sort of trace it out just running around. We would get close to the corner, and then I'd turn her around and we'd head back the other way

One day, I was running short on time, so I thought I'd take a large gamble. I knew that even if I didn't have any other landmarks, I had the constant flow of traffic up on the main street. So after Trixie finished relieving, I got her facing towards the street and said "Trixie, find the pole." To my utter delight, she deaked, bobbed and weaved, and my god, we were at the sidewalk, right close to the pole at the corner! wooo!

We have done it several times since, and she does it perfectly. That was one of those awesome moments when I realized how much my four-legged rascal does for me.

But even then, people need to realize that I am paying attention, and if something doesn't sound right, I will stop and it's me who has to reorient us. At the end of the day, I'm always the team leader.

I really hope all that rambling made sense. What I'm trying to say is in the technical sense, it's not the dog's job to dictate our destination, but once you've been a team for a while, the dog does tend to take more initiative, so it may sort of look like they're the true decision-maker.

Something else funny happened to me while we stayed with some of Steve's family the weekend of the wedding. The family we stayed with has 3 very cute kids and they make me laugh whenever I see them. One of the kids decided he was going to lie next to Trixie and imitate the positions she would put herself in. Being that Trixie's like a canine pretzle, this became very hard very fast...but he just kept trying. It was funny. All of a sudden, he would say, "Oh Trixie, I can't do that one." I'd look and Trixie would have her head twisted down by her tail. No, I don't think too many of us could do that. When Trixie wasn't being terrorized by the puppy, she took a liking to the little girl, and would just sit beside her forever. As long as she was petting her, she'd just stay planted.

I have more recent Trixie pics. I have no idea what these look like, but a friend of a friend took them and put them up on Facebook and we'd just finished having a big conversation about not putting ugly photos up on Facebook, so they must look cool. She sent them to me, and since you guys love pics, here they are. they were taken outside at a park during a picnic. and

Woohoo! Remember back when I was wondering how I was going to bathe the Trixter now that our showerhead can't come down off the wall anymore? Well, I've found a place, and it seems pretty cool. All I have to pay is $25 and they'll help her get all situated in the tub. I don't have to bend over, it's all set up to be within easy reach and there are ties to make sure she can't jump out! they have towels and they'll clean up any mess she may cause by shakeshakeshaking off when she's done. The lady said she'd even trim her nails for me, and she's about due for a trimming, so why the hell not? The lady who answered the phone and who was there when I went to check it out seems really nice, and I got taught where it was. We've made an appointment for next week. Trixter loves finding it...right now. We'll see how she feels after she's been bathed once! I'll write up how it goes.

I got asked a million questions about guide dogs by a bunch of very inquisitive kids the other day. I love that. They actually listen to the answers you give. I think among the funniest questions were "They let you take her home?" after I said I got her at a guide dog school. Then it was "How do you really know if she's a girl or a boy?" On the subject of my blindness, "Does that dog really help you see?" "Why are you blind?" "Are there a lot of people like that?" "How do people get blind?" "How does it feel? Does it feel good?" Ah kids and their honesty. Among the guide dog-related questions, "How come we can pet her when she has that thing off but not when it's on?" "What's this for?" as they tap the handle. "Why can't she sniff things when that's on?" "She was taught that that means work? How? Wow!" "Does she tell you where to go or do you tell her?" The barrage only stopped when akid loudly informed his friends that "It's raining! Guys, it's raining!" I love kids, andI was glad an adult didn't tell them to stop like they always like to do. I'd rather answer their questions as best I can than have them walking around afraid to ask. If I have the time to answer, I'm glad to.

And that's about it. It was a short one, but oh well.

Head Down to The Cyborg Store

I'm getting scared. Now, the University of Florida has developed neural implants that can think on their own. The initial use, if the technology makes it beyond rats, is to help paraplegics use their limbs again, which is very cool. But there is some serious not cool potential here.

Oh look, it's Transcendent Man again.

I Think He Just Made A New Drive-Through Lane

Whenever I see this story, I giggle a little.

A 20-year-old man did something usually reserved for the elderly. He mistook the gas for the brakes, and slammed his beautiful BMW through a Taco Bell. Where he ended up is what makes me laugh. He came to rest right under a sign that said Drive-thru Now Open. Well, it sure is now.

Thankfully noone was hurt.

The Customer Is Always Right, Unless He's Missing His Right Arm

Here's an example of stupid policies gone wild. A man walked into a Burger King and ordered a Whopper. He asked them to cut it in half for him, because he only has one arm. After the kid serving him looked at his manager, the response was "No we can't. It's against policy. but here, have a plastic knife." Are these people stupid? If he could do it himself with a plastic knife, he wouldn't be asking you, ya dumbshits. The guy was left to eat the burger by letting it fall apart. Way to strip away his dignity.

Apparently, the reason they wouldn't cut the whopper was out of fear, fear that they'll be fired if they break company policy. Here's the company rationale for not cutting burgers in half.

“That’s our policy, not to cut the sandwich. We want to keep the employees safe so they don’t cut themselves and for the customers, too.
The less you mess around with the customer’s food, the better.”

Wait wait wait. You want to keep employees safe from cutting themselves. But some of them just cooked it, ya know, with hot oil and stuff that could burn them. How come they now can't be trusted with a knife, probably a plastic knife? Amazingly, this did not take place in the UK.

There was one saving grace in this story. The director of operations said that the employees should have used common sense and cut the burger, and if he had have been there, he would have cut it himself.

What a horrible way to treat a customer. I'm sure he won't be back there to eat another whopper after that.

Cereal Litigant

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new stupidest person in the entire world,Janine Sugawara.

Over a 4 year period, Sugawara had been purchasing and enjoying "Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries" cereal. However, when she discovered that Crunchberries were not an actual fruit, she was not amused, and you know what that means. Yup, lawsuit time! She filed suit against the makers of the cereal on behalf of herself and the similarly intellectually impaired claiming that they were tricked into thinking that the cereal was a healthy option.

According to the complaint, Sugawara and other consumers were misled not only by the use of the word "berries" in the name, but also by the front of the box, which features the product's namesake, Cap'n Crunch, aggressively "thrusting a spoonful of 'Crunchberries' at the prospective buyer."  Plaintiff claimed that this message was reinforced by other marketing representing the product as a "combination of Crunch biscuits and colorful red, purple, teal and green berries."  Yet in actuality, the product contained "no berries of any kind."  Plaintiff brought claims for fraud, breach of warranty, and our notorious and ever-popular California Unfair Competition Law and Consumer Legal Remedies Act.

Thankfully the story has a happy ending, as the suit was tossed out by Judge Morrison England, Jr., who quite rightly pointed out that any "reasonable consumer" could not be deceived into thinking she was buying something she wasn't going to get.

In this case . . . while the challenged packaging contains the word "berries" it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term "crunch." This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry." Furthermore, the "Crunchberries" depicted on the [box] are round, crunchy, brightly-colored cereal balls, and the [box] clearly states both that the Product contains "sweetened corn & oat cereal" and that the cereal is "enlarged to show texture." Thus, a reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist. . . . So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.

The judge went further, and in a move that positively warms my heart, decided not to allow the filing of an amended complaint.

In this case, . . .  it is simply impossible for Plaintiff to file an amended complaint stating a claim based upon these facts. The survival of the instant claim would require this Court to ignore all concepts of personal responsibility and common sense.  The Court has no intention of allowing that to happen.

Now and then, the legal system gets something right. Now if only we could get every lawyer who had a hand in this case disbarred, things would be perfect.

According To The Government, Literacy Isn't For Everyone

Here's a sad statement that shouldn't surprise anyone, but it still sucks.

USA, Canada and the EU attempt to kill treaty to protect blind people's access to written material Yup, publishers convinced a bunch of government folks that it was not a good idea to allow a few people with various disabilities that make reading a conventional book impossible to have the right to access it electronically. thankfully, they didn't win...yet. But the fact that this fight is even going on is a sad statement.

You Are Carrying A Banana. Do You Want To Eat It?

John Steven Szwalla is a strange individual. he decided to rob a store. His weapon? A banana! He hid it under his shirt and made it look like a gun. Unfortunately, he picked the wrong guy to rob, because he was swiftly grabbed and held down by the store's owner and another patron, and the jig was up.

the best part was while waiting for police, he ate the banana! But they got a picture of the peel, so all was not lost.

Nice try, kid. Better luck next time. the funny part is if his name didn't have the z in it, he would have been pretty aptly named since I guess he swallaed the evidence.

Stop In The Name Of The Pseudolaw!

I think William J. Reese enjoys his job just a touch too much. He was working as a civilian jailer, and for some reason was driving around in a marked police car during his work hours. For shits and giggles, he decided to pull a car over for a traffic stop even though he had no authority to do such things. he picked the wrong car to pull over, it belonged to a police officer who was off duty. The officer recognized Reese and knew he couldn't pull him over, so kept driving towards his home while phoning some on duty police officers to help him deal with him. Since he didn't stop, Reese chased him at a high rate of speed, with lights and sirens, through a school zone. when the deputy arrived at home, Reese jumped out, cursed at him and started making threatening gestures. The police got Reese, and lots of evidence, since Reese's car had one of those in-car cameras that police cars have now.

Ha ha ha ha ha. He was not meant to get away with anything. Now the civilian jailer gets to share cells with the guys he used to guard. I wonder how that'll go over.

Proofreading? What's That?

We often talk about the horrible lack of proofreading in newspapers, advertisements, and all other things that are written down. Ann Adams sent me a nice pile of these examples. She knows how to make me laugh.

*Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?*

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas inSpacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

So there ya go. Some great examples of how not to write.

What Fine Role-Models She Has

Here's another example of a doomed baby. This poor baby's mother was put in prison after she tortured an elderly woman for 48 hours before killing her and wheeling her body around the city and dumping it in a canal. She committed this crime at the age of 15. The dad might be a little better, since he seemed to be trying to reform himself. They're both in jail. He somehow got a special license to drive a car and be out of jail for 18 hours at a stretch. She could have day passes, so they went to a hotel regularly. That's how they managed to create this poor baby. Now they've broken up, so probably the only influence the baby will have will be from her mother, and that scares me.

Guinness Book Of World Riches

Our old friend Jonathan Lee Riches is doing what he does best, suing! Who is he suing now? I can't stop laughing. He's suing...*snort*...the Guinness Book of World Records. Why is he suing them? I'm not sure. Most obviously, it seems that he doesn't like the names they've stuck on him, names like “The litigator crusader,” the “duke of lawsuits,” “Johnny Sue-nami,” “Sue-per-man” and the “Patrick Ewing of suing.” Ah come on, I like some of those.

What I can't figure out is why he's suing, but this is normal when you're dealing with this nutcase. At first I thought it was because Guinness had underestimated his number of lawsuits, as he says he flushes out more lawsuits than a sewer. Then he said it was the names he was given. Well, ya kinda earned 'em. But then he said that all this suing has given him arthritis in his fingers, crooked fingers, numbness in his fingers and wrists... then I have a solution for you. Stop suing!

The final giggleworthy thing I saw in this article is the judge he has the best luck with is named Justin Quackenbush. Well, guess he's a Quack too.

Good luck with your attempts to start up a course on how to sue this way, buddy. By the looks of things, you're not exactly a shining example of success.

blingleberries!

Why, oh why, oh why, would anyone want jewellery hanging from their butts? Like eeewww. No. Wrong. I have no other words.

Kings Of Moron

Can somebody do me a favour and explain the Kings of Leon fascination to me? From what I'm told, I'm supposed to love them because they're the biggest thing to hit rock since some other band that probably sucked, but listening to them I can't help but think that the only way these guys and big rock should end up in the same sentence is if that sentence starts with "boy, I'd love to hit these pricks repeatedly with a".

Here are 2 examples to illustrate not only why I feel this way, but why I chose this occasion to bust out the international symbol for complete shiat for the first time.Use SomebodySex On Fire.

Tell me that dude's voice doesn't sound like the dying wails of a gutted asthmatic cow. Come on, tell me! See, you can't do it! the only way you could is if you have a better description lying around somewhere.

Maybe I could forgive the lack of vocal ability and even the nothing happening band backing it up if at least the lyrical content was interesting. Ok, it is kind of interesting, but only in the sense that I wasn't aware that the brain-dead had the ability to write. To make my point, I give youthe words to Sex On Fire.

Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound
I know they're watching, they're watching
All the commotion, the kiddie like play
Has people talking, talking

You, your sex is on fire

The dark of the alley, the breaking of day
The head while I'm driving, I'm driving
Soft lips are open, knuckles are pale
Feels like you're dying, you're dying

You, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

Hot as a fever, rattling bones
I could just taste it, taste it
If it's not forever, if it's just tonight
Oh, it's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest

You, your sex is on fire
And you, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

And you, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what's to transpire

What the hell is that supposed to be aside from utterly retarded? It's almost complete nonsense and it only rhymes in the absolute loosest sense of the word. I'll never make fun of Lenny Kravitz forrhyming away with awayever again, that's for sure.

But as dumb as it is, I'm pretty sure I kind of get what it's all about.Use Somebody,not so much.

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

Huh?

That's seriously the extent of my analysis, because I have no idea what on earth these people are on about.

Hmm, not knowing what people are on about...kind of brings things full circle, doesn't it?