That's The Pound Of The Man, Whacking For The Chick Gang

Normally I would struggle to explain something like this to myself, but Valentine's Day is coming up, so you've gotta do what you've gotta do to keep the love alive in a tough situation.

The story, according to the authorities, is that Terry Glenn Doxey was sitting in a Cadillac across from the jail that housed his girlfriend and some other interested female inmates. With an interior light shining so they could see, he and the blue jumpsuit he was wearing proceeded to show them how well he could drive a stick, if you will.

When police put a stop to the show, Doxey denied masturbating for the benefit of himself or anybody else, but police reportedly found items in his car that suggested otherwise. They also claim that this isn't the first time the same car has been spotted near the jail.

He was booked on a felony indecent exposure charge and is now in jail, just like the woman of his creams...I mean dreams.

I have no snappy way to end this, so I'll leave you to wonder if you are as dedicated to the one you love as this Doxey fellow seems to be. I'm not sure I am, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

Watch Out, 'Cause Here They Come!

I haven't seen it, but have you guys heard about the part in the new Chipmunks movie where a man named Edward Brown gets naked and then exposes himself to nearly a hundred people?

Thirty minutes into a showing last Thursday of the movie “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked,” the Chicago man allegedly stripped off his clothes and stood up from his seat in the front row of a theater in the North Riverside Park Mall.

Brown then turned to face 96 other moviegoers (of the kid and parent variety) and gave the Chipmunk fans a clear view of
his exposed genitalia, according to a police press release. He then returned to his seat to enjoy the rest of the 4 PM showing of the G-rated film.

Why would he do this? For a woman, of course. A woman he doesn't know and can't find, but hey, you can't win 'em all, right?

According to the Riverside-Brookfield Landmark, Brown claimed he had been let into the movie theater by an unknown woman who directed him to sit in the front row and remove his clothes. She purportedly said that she would return so that they could have sex and do drugs together.

But instead of living happily ever after with your sex, drugs and mystery chicks the way so many of these children's tales end, Brown was charged with sexual exploitation of children and disorderly conduct and is currently locked up in lieu of $100,000 bail.

Interesting fact: Carin and I used to know an Edward Brown. This more than likely isn't the same one, but we haven't seen him around town in quite a few years. Hmmm...

Hey Officer, Wanna See My Weapon?

I said yesterday that it was time to pick things up around here again after a few bad days, and what better way to do that than with a guy in a nightclub parking lot, pants down, putting a pink thing in through his out door while masturbating and eyeing up a couple of cops? If you like the sound of that, then give a big thank you to 49-year-old Robert Matello.

Yes, I realize the if you like the sound of that part could have and likely should have been worded better, but who has time for editing when there's this much excitement going on? You know, maybe I should just stop.

When Officer Michael Smith asked Matello if he was carrying a weapon, he gave an answer never previously memorialized in a police report:

“Yes, I have a pink dildo,” Matello replied.

At that point, Matello removed the sex toy from his pants pocket and attempted to hand it to Smith, an offer apparently declined by the officer.

Matello went on to say that he “was only pleasuring himself,” according to the complaint. And that he was “just spanking his ass.”

I'm not sure if he thought move along, nothing to see here would get him off...the hook, but Matello quickly discovered that what it would actually get him was a January court hearing and charges of indecent exposure, open lewdness and public drunkenness. It may, however, also get him some help spanking his ass should some custodial time be involved.

Math Teacher, Sex Ed Teacher, What's The Difference?

Teacher Posts Bail After Arrest For Masturbating In Class

Paul LaDuke, 75, was fired from Schaumburg Christian School on Friday, after a student reported to another teacher that LaDuke appeared to be masturbating while seated at his podium during class.

LaDuke was arrested on Monday and charged Tuesday with felony sexual exploitation of a child. His bond was set at $40,000 at a hearing at the Rolling Meadows courthouse on Wednesday and he posted the required 10 percent bail Wednesday evening.

Authorities believe this is far from his first offence, and Cook County Assistant State’s Attorney Dave Weiner (really) says that they have a handwritten note from LaDuke in which he admits to fantasizing about his female students while masturbating in class. The note says that this has been going on for at least 10 years. Ok, so we know of at least two things LaDuke's hands are good for.

for his part, LaDuke's lawyer speculated that his client, who in addition to being a math teacher is also an ordained minister, may be suffering from some form of dementia and was perhaps just repeating what the police told him.

If all of this is true and LaDuke really has been at this for over a decade, how has he gotten away with it for so long? It doesn't sound like he was exactly the king of discrete. Sitting behind a large podium or not, how does nobody notice you unzipping, taking down your pants and going to town? Even if you put an apron over it, if you're any good, that thing's got to be flapping in the breeze just a little, yes? Then again, it might be hard to muster up that much energy at that age, if you'd even need it.

and...how about we just end this here? There's nothing more to the story and I'm putting far too much thought into something that really doesn't need it. I don't want people to start thinking I'm weird.

Spare The Rod...Yeah, Definitely Spare The Rod

The First United Methodist Church in Niceville, Florida, may want to reconsider what it calls it's "come as you are atmosphere" after a teenaged congregant was caught taking the come as you are part a bit too literally.

According to cops, four witnesses spotted the 14-year-old suspect pleasuring himself inside the sanctuary of the First United Methodist Church in Niceville. One member of the congregation told police that she observed the teen “with his penis outside of his pants and stroking it," a Niceville Police Department report states.

When questioned by police, the boy copped to exposing himself inside the church on August 28. He explained that he was "playing with it" for about 10 minutes because, “I was bored.” He also admitted masturbating during a service the previous Sunday.

the boy, who was not identified, was charged with misdemeanour indecent exposure and lewd and lascivious behavior.

Wood Was The Star Of The Show

Speaking of easy material, here's a PDF news release from the Guelph Police Service about an indecent exposure incident. Note the location.

That's right, Starwood drive. Title makes sense now, doesn't it?

I also like the reference to a wooded area. Sure was. Although considering the crime we're dealing with, doesn't anywhere this type of thing takes place automatically become a wooded area?

It's Time To Get To Work! Not So Fast, Tarvin. You're Getting To Jail

I'm not sure what to tell you all here, so I'll stick to telling you what I hope Vincent Michael Tarvin would tell you if he were to look back on the events of September 6th in a clearer state of mind than he was likely in at the time.

As stupid as it is to be out walking around with a vial of cocaine, that's nothing compared to traipsing you and your vial into an apparently random call centre, dropping your pants, whipping out the old dingaling and telling everyone that it's time to "get to work." All that gets you is booked into jail for indecent exposure, drug possession and a drug paraphernalia violation.

for reasons unknown, Tarvin almost got away with some of it. Of the 12 people in the office he invaded, only one wanted to press charges. Others are reported to have feared some kind of retaliation if they did. Guy must have one hell of a penis.

There Were Balls And Some Dribbling, But There Was No Sign Of The NBA

I've never visited Seattle, so I can't say for sure whether or not the city is suffering from a critical free love shortage. I can, however, hazard a guess that Nicholas L. Davis' apparent remedy for the issue likely isn't going to help.

So, just what was his grand plan? Well, if you guessed lying down on a basketball court at 3:30 in the morning and "masturbating violently," you win. No, I think I'll pass on your congratulatory handshake, thanks.

According to charging papers filed with King County Superior Court, the officer watched for about 30 seconds as Davis was “masturbating violently.” Davis stopped after spotting the officer’s patrol car.

Contacted by the officer, Davis attempted to explain his actions, a Seattle detective told the court.

“There just isn’t enough free love in Seattle,” Davis is alleged to have said.

This isn't the first time Davis has run afoul of the law while in search of free love. He was convicted of second-degree rape after an incident in 1999. He was arrested following the basketball court escapade for violating the conditions of his release from prison on that conviction.

He's currently being held in the King County Jail on a charge of indecent exposure with sexual motivation.

He Should Have Said He Was Quality Control For The Condom Department

It's been about 17 years since I've been inside an American Walmart, but considering some of the people I remember seeing there, I figured shoplifting a couple boxes of condoms and then heading into the women's room for a little less than quiet private time with them and some naughty pictures on your phone like Brandon Jelks did was just something that happened on Tuesdays. Interestingly, one of the Walmarts I visited on that last trip was in Indiana, if memory serves. Wonder if it was this one.

An off-duty cop working security at the store was then summoned. When the cop confronted a startled Jelks, 20, as he exited the stall (“with his pants unzipped”), he claimed to have accidentally gone into the wrong bathroom. Jelks was handcuffed and brought to the loss prevention office where a search turned up two boxes of condoms that had been shoplifted from the store, according to an Indianapolis Police Department report.

Jelks explained that he had used two of the condoms while pleasuring himself in the women’s bathroom. While being detained, he also reportedly told a Walmart official that he “had a sex problem” and went into the bathroom “to look at the women” while masturbating. While he was doing this, Jelks noted, he was looking at pornography on his cell phone.

He now also has a being held in the Marion County jail problem, an indecent exposure problem and a criminal trespass problem. Not sure what you steel for those, but at least there's a bathroom nearby if he figures it out.

I'm Blowing Your Torso As You Blow My Mind

Some folks burgle for money. Some burgle for food. Justin Dale Little Jim (yes, that's his name in all the stories I've seen), well, he appears to burglefor love...or something.

Little Jim, currently being held in jail in lou of $5000 bond and awaiting an August trial date, arrived in this situation after trying to score a date of a different kind.

According to police, Little Jim smashed the front window of a Woodbridge, Virginia adult novelty store in the wee smalls of a morning last week. When they responded, they discovered their man had planned to steel hearts, specifically the heart of the blow-up doll he was attempting to have sex with in one of the shop's closets.

When he goes to trial, he'll be facing charges of burglary, grand larceny and destruction of property. Destruction of property? Maybe he should think about changing his name to Big Jim.

From The Mile High With Himself Club To Damn Near Rock Bottom

This Kyle Pearce thing is quickly moving from the ha ha, the dude masturbated on an airplane zone into I legitimately hope he can get the help he needs because it's kind of sad territory.

After he bonded out of jail, he was ordered to live in a halfway house and undergo some mental health assessments. But he may not be spending much longer there for a variety of reasons.

According to a memo from Garret Pfalmer, a senior probation officer, Pearce has repeatedly been “engaging in misconduct” during his month-long stay at Independence House. Along with “associating with female residents” at the coed facility, Pearce has been disrespectful to staff and “is either abusing his medications, or he is providing them to other residents.”

Among other alleged misconduct, Pearce has abused prescription medicines, gone AWOL from the halfway house, and got into a physical altercation with another resident. Additionally, during an appointment last week at a medical facility, a nurse caught Pearce “attempting to steal needles, syringes, and alcohol pads.” He also apparently filled fraudulent prescriptions at a Walgreen’s pharmacy.

prosecutors have filed a motion to have him removed from the home and sent back to prison, but no hearing has been scheduled yet.

The Wood Is A Little Too Handy

Here we have a fellow charged with indecent exposure and open lewdness after two separate incidents. The first was the flashing of a McDonald's drive-through worker while the second, which took place almost two weeks later, involved our friend and his friend (if you catch my drift) pulling up beside a woman in a Rite Aid parking lot and showing her what she could have seen had she chosen to eat fast food a few days earlier.

We also have a fellow who just found himself squarely placed in the names tag, since he has what I'm sure is the constant pleasure of signing his chequesHandy Henry Wood.

And what do you know, we also have a photo of the fellow in question. That's handy...literally.

Somebody Needs To Stop Getting Inspiration From His Last Name And Street Signs

Sadly, this story makes me not want to buy anything from thrift stores ever again. But on the other hand, it does make a nice addition to the names tag.

Arrested and charged with indecent exposure after being caught sitting on a couch in a Salvation Army store with his pants around his ankles and a leg propped up so that everything could be clearly seen is Randall Boyd Johnson.

But wait, that's not even the best part. Johnson's address is listed here as 2285 Pristine View.

If jokes keep writing themselves like this, I may find myself out of a job soon. And if I'm out of a job, I'm going to need to buy cheap things...like furniture. Oh man, this is not good. Not good at all.

Sorry, You Can't Have It Your Way

Here comes another guy showing off his whopper at Burger King.

It says here that Joseph Kovaleski would come into a burger king several times, sit in a booth facing employees, and pull out his thing and continually touch it.

He claims it's all lies, and he would never have done such a thing. But then he says a. he doesn't wear underwear and sometimes his genetals just fall out, b. sometimes they get itchy and he has to scratch 'em, and c. Burger King isn't a public place. Ok then. I'm thinking he did it.

I think the girls on his soccer team will be looking at him funny now.

The Do It Yourself World Tour Rolls On Top Of Guelph

Neither of these incidents will ever find itself in the bad time for whackin' off hall of fame, but they're worth a mention since it's rare that this sort of thing happens here in guelph, home of Vomit Comet World HQ. Even better is that both of them happened in completely different places...on the same day!

First up (that was awful and I'm truly sorry) we have a fellow who must have missed the L in public transit.

The bus driver saw two girls get up from the back of the bus and move to the front of the bus.

The girls told the driver that a man at the back of the bus was touching himself in a sexual manner, the release said.

The driver asked the girls to stay at the front of the bus and instructed other riders to do the same. When he let the girls out at Hands Drive, he asked them to stick around in case police wanted to speak with them, it said.

Police met the bus at the University Centre stop and identified the suspect male, but when they returned to speak to the two girls they were unable to find them.

Yes, Hands Drive. Best part of the story... hands down.

And then there's this guy, who even brought friends along. What, too shy to ask them for some help?

Police are looking for a man accused of touching himself in a sexual manner in the change room of a Stone Road Mall store.

The man came into the store accompanied by two women at 5 p.m. on May 22.

He asked an employee for help selecting clothing before going into the change room, where he started touching himself, the release said. The employee ordered him out of the store, and he left with the two women.

As far as I know, there's no truth to the rumour that they're changing the name of the place to the Rock Hard Mall in honour of this event.

Both suspects are still at large, not that largeness matters.

I apologize for all of the horrible, horrible jokes in this post. I know I know, what's the difference, right? I think it must be the heat. We don't have our air conditioner put in yet. I thought about hanging out in a grocery store for a little while to cool down, but after reading all this stuff I'm kinda afraid of getting anywhere near the meat section.

Sir, That's Not A Traytable. Please Take It Out Of The Upright Position

Update: Pearce has plead guilty to a misdemeanor and will be sentenced August 19th. He's currently free on $25000 bond and has already been ordered to undergo a mental evaluation and get counseling as conditions attached to that freedom.

Air travel can at times be a stressful, boring experience. But there are better ways to get through it than pulling...er...so to speak, a Kyle Pearce. Bring a book. Listen to some music. Write something. Almost anything but playing with your carry-on bag until you spill a few ounces of dangerous liquids on the seat.

As detailed by Daniel, an 18-year-old woman told investigators that she was seated in row 18 next to Pearce, who was in an aisle seat. “I sat next to a man on a plane who was masterbating [sic]. I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” the teenager recalled in a written statement. She added, “He ejaculated & got some on the seat. Then he went to the bathroom for a long time.”

A passenger seated directly behind Pearce, 18-year-old Grayson Miller, recalled that, “My friend Zach turned to me and said, ‘That man is masturbating’ and in disbelief, I looked and saw his penis and he was.” In his written statement, Miller reported that, “I hit him with my book in the arm, which caused him to stop and leave to the bathroom” in the Airbus A319.

If convicted of the indecency charges he now faces, Pearce is looking at a maximum of 90 days in jail, $5000 in fines and a year of supervised release.

Supervised release? Isn't that how he got himself into trouble in the first place?

Pictures Of Littluns, Gave The Cops An Eye Full

Here's the story of John M. Kohler. Someone called the cops, complaining that he was outside wacking off to kids walking by. They came and found him lying on his back on his porch. When they asked him for ID, he told them they could come in while he looked for it. I guess he forgot about the scads of child porn taped to his walls and headboard of his bed.

Eeeewww. This guy mustn't have friends or family come to visit him at all. Child porn taped up on the wall where one would usually hang family photos?

Well at least he was honest. He told the cops about the rest of his stash. If he's found guilty of all those charges, he'll have to tape pictures to the walls of his jail cell.

Everything I Do, I Do It For...Somebody Over There, But Certainly Not You

The best excuse for public masturbation I've seen in forever comes courtesy of somewhere in Louisiana's Paul Payton. Yes I was beating off in my car down by the dock and sure this woman certainly could have seen me, but I wasn't doing it for her. I was doing it for a different woman that was parked near the spot from which this Nosy Nina was standing and filming me.

Amazingly, this line of reasoning failed and Payton was taken to the Ouachita Parish Jail, where he is being held in lieu of $10,000 bond.

If this other woman really appreciated his gift, you'd think she'd be bailing him out any time now.

What Are You Doing Here? The Sign Says Soft Drinks

Cue the jokes about soda jerks and pop machines.

Oklahoma City police responding to a report of shoplifting at a local grocery store found that shop wasn't the only thing lifting, shall we say.

Police arrested 31-year-old Marshall David Osbrone on April 15 on indecent exposure charges after someone alerted police to a man touching himself behind a soda machine at the store's entrance.

The person told police they saw a pair of legs sticking out from behind a soda machine, according to the police report released on Wednesday.

When police went to investigate, they said, Osbrone had his pants down to his ankles touching himself.

But Osbrone's night didn't end there because, it appears, he wasn't quite finished.

After being arrested and taken to the Oklahoma County Jail, he had another indecent exposure charge added when he was caught with his pants down, stroking his baton while handcuffed to a bench.

I'd say he should have quit while he was ahead, but considering the circumstances I'm not sure what ahead would be in his case. And yes, there's probably a nice ahead joke in there somewhere.

Come See The Dangly Side Of Sears

From the worse than bad explanations for doing amazingly stupid things department comes the story of Robert McDonough.

The 39-year-old now former Cincinnati police officer was sentenced in February to 8 days of community service, 2 years probation and a $250 fine. He was also banned from going near Sears stores since that's where the public indecency took place.

All of this stems from an incident last May. McDonough was caught by the store's surveillance system exposing himself to employees and presumably anybody else within range. If that's not enough to tell you that he wasn't good with the low profile thing, he was even easier to track down because while he was there, he used his credit card to make a purchase.

When he was interviewed by fellow officers, McDonough said that the reason his zipper was down was that he was attempting to "determine who would advise him that his zipper was down."

I've taken 0 police training courses in my day, but I'll bet that's one drill they don't teach at the academy.

Amazingly, even though this happened last year and he was convicted 2 months ago, McDonough wasn't officially fired until April 19th. There's something that needs an explanation, and hopefully it'll be a better one than his.