Searching For Trouble

Pulled from our tracker:

31 May, Sun, 15:56:20
Yahoo:
fakeguide dog covers

I know you'll probably never see this, Mr. anonymous search douche, but raaar! If you're doing what I think you are, you can eat a bag of hell.

Ok, now that I've got my rage out of the way, I'll try and form a more intelligent thought.

Before chomping down on said bag of hell, you can learn to type and form a normal sentence. I believe you tried to search for "fake guide dog covers" which makes me think you were searching for some kind of vest that you can put on your dog to pass him or her off as a guide dog.

The first thing you should know is that guide dogs don't wear vests, they wear harnesses. Other service dogs wear vests, but guide dogs need to have the handle so they can stay slightly in front of us, ya know, so they can lead us around stuff, which is their, uh, job...

...

Which brings me to the rage part. I didn't get a guide dog just so I could bring a pet everywhere with me. She does a service for me. She shows me where steps are, gets me around stuff, follows people, ensures that I go across the street straight and don't get crushed by cars, finds doors. there's a reason she's called a *guide* dog. sure when she's off duty, we have lots of fun and she's just a goofy dog, but when she's working, she's doing a job.

And here's the second part of my rage. People who get guide dogs don't just waltz down to the local pound and pick out a dog and say "this one looks smart. lemme go down to the shoe repair guy and see if he can set me up with a harness thang." The dogs go through a lot of training so they will be good dogs in public places and will not cause problems for everyone else. Your dog may not be able to handle going on a bus, being in close quarters with lots of people, seeing other dogs, seeing little kids, or who knows what else. I doubt he will know to restrain himself from urinating or defecating at will, since regular dogs do their business when they go for a walk. So, it may not end well for you, the dog, the person or legitimate service dog your dog decides to bite, or the floor of a business where your dog takes a leak or a crap.

After you are long gone, the people with actual service dogs will have to do damage-control. They will have to explain to an uninformed business owner or passer-by that your dog is not the norm. Your dog does not represent service dogs everywhere, and their dog will not do the same things.

People have worked long and hard to ensure that service dog-handlers have the rights they do. It is ass-magnets like you who will ensure those rights will all disappear.

We'll Direct YouTo Jail

Jesus! don't ask for directions in Baltimore, or certainly don't ask for directions from the police. If you do, you might get arrested. Also, your car will get taken to the impound lot and left there with the windows down so people can steal stuff out of it. but wait, there's more! You will spend a night in jail for no apparent reason.

What kind of freak police are these? The worst thing this couple did was run a stop sign and they acknowledged that and were willing to pay the fine. Then the one cop went nuts and started saying if she wasn't going to help them, no one would, and then proceeded to cart them both off to jail! Whaaat? What's next? She's going to start administering blind tests?

I Am A Rock, I am Naked

Oh boy. Here's another example of a game that you shouldn't play because you're involving more than yourselves.

Joshua Sizemore and Amanda Madison are in jail for playing a stripping game. But why would that put them in jail? Because they were throwing baseball-sized rocks at cars from above. Rocks? Stripping? How does this work? Well, for every left headlight they managed to bust, Amanda had to take a piece of clothing off. For every right headlight, Joshua had to take something off. Apparently they had good luck hitting left headlights. Amanda was in her underwear.

Idiots! Just a bunch of idiots! Next time you want to play a stripping game, try strip poker or something where you don't try to hurt others as part of the game.

Honky Tonk Army?

The Oak Ridge Boys- Seven Nation Army.Go ahead and click it, you know you wanna.

It might come as a surprise to some of you, but I have not one bad word to say about this. I kind of expected some cooler vocal work considering what they've done with harmonies in the past, but this is perfectly fine and not at all embarrassing.

The Count Is No Balls, Several Strikes

For a while I couldn't decide whetehr or not I wanted to post this, but I've come to the realization that I have to because it's so weird and because we might not ever see something like it again.

Thisis Jose Canseco yes,that Jose Canseco taking on Hong Man Choi in an MMA contest. Yes, for real. The match took place in Japan earlier this week. Why Japan? Well, 2 reasons. One is that promoters there are willing to pay ridiculous money for things like this even if they have no chance of making that money back, and the second being that something like this would never be ok'd in the States where there are things like athletic commitions, weight classes and drug testing.

Considering what he was up against, old Jose didn't do too bad. He had the right idea, trying to make a move and then circle out of range, exactly what I would do if I were facing somebody over 7 feet tall and pushing about 330 pounds. had his knee not gone out I doubt he would have been able to win, but he definitely would have lasted a bit longer than the 1 minute and change he managed. A minute and change is much longer than I gave him when I first heard that he was doing a fight and who it was against. Choi isn't exactly lighting the MMA world on fire, but Jose Canseco's only fighting experience to my knowledge has come from a celebrity boxing match he once had with Danny Bonaduce and probably the odd bench clearing brawl on the ball field.

Note to JAWS users: To get the video to play, press the spacebar on the first unlabeled button you see in the Flash movie.

Jiiiiimmmmmmyyyyyyy!

Steve's post about train safety made me think of a youtube video I stumbled across while looking for another Play Safe ad that I wanted to find. Does anyone remember the "mean machines" ads? "they can hurt you....they can cut you..." I can't find them anywhere. But what I found was far, far more terrifying. I think if I watched that as a kid, I wouldn't go near anything that could be remotely scary.

I Can't Think Of An On The Right Track Joke That Isn't Totally Stupid, So Here's Your Post Title

Not sure how I feel about this one. On one hand these do gooding sons of bitches are robbing Carin and I of much future material, but on the other it sounds like a great idea, so much so in fact that I think we need a Rover the Rabbit, Penelope the Porcupine and Rosco the raccoon for adults too. You could probably target the site at the grownups in the crowd without making a single change or even a separate website, since judging from what we've written here over the years, the intellect of a lot of the full-sized folks mowed down by trains is equal to or slightly below that of the aged 5 to 10 set they're going after now.
New website targets train track safety for kids

She'll Get Lots Of Bread...Bread And Water

the last one wasn't an absolute food fight. This one is. Ava Maria Gordon, yes, that's her name, stabbed her father during an argument over a dinner roll. A dinner roll? Seriously? Her father's dead now, she could be in prison for life, all because of an argument over a dinner roll.

Load The dishwasher Yourself, Ya Grumpy Old Man

It isn't quite a food fight, but it's pretty close.

Meet Joseph Frank Strauch. If he doesn't like the way you've arranged dirty dishes in the dish washer, he'll hit ya and beat ya and choke ya unconscious.

He's also been known to steal bags of groceries from other people and when they object, punch them.

What a weird old man who is now in jail.

Trixie's got The Gift Of The Gab

Carin's been doing a lot of talking about me, but I never get the keyboard. Now I've got it, and I've got stuff to say!

This winter, the guy in the sky wasn't as mean as last winter. He didn't keep dumping white stuff on us. He did keep making it really c c c c c cold, but I didn't even need the fur for my fur as much. That's just fine with me, I don't really like it. I can stand it better than those awful shoes, but it keeps making me want to shake my fur back into place every few steps.

Plus, this year, the guy in the sky decided to turn the weather knob back to nice sooner...except for that time when we had weeks and weeks and weeks of nice, and then he dropped white stuff on us. Carin was mad mad mad, so I thought I'd fix it. I thought I could just eat it all and then we'd be all good. But she didn't like that either. Some people, ya just can't please 'em.

something weird happened to Carin back a while ago. She was taking me out to do my nighttime business...and then...she just stopped inside the door and stuff came out of her mouth! Stuff isn't supposed to come out of her mouth, doesn't she know? It looked like she'd already eaten and then the food got lost and came back up. We can get turned around, can food get turned around? Well this stuff sure did, and when it came back the other way, it was on the run! Some of it landed on her, some of it landed on me...on my face! In my eye! blink blink blink! On my leash! On the floor! On the Window! Wherever it could run, it ran there. Then she just stood there and got mad when I tried to eat it. She told me no! Ug but it's all over me and she wasn't cleaning it off! What's a poor dog to do?

Then a nice man came over and...wipe wipe wiped me clean. he even had to wipe wipe wipe her clean because she hadn't noticed that some of it had landed on her nose. come on! How could she not notice that was on her nose! I mean, I know she's blind, but it was on her nose! Does her nose not work either?

Then she was sick for a while. all she did was feed me and take me out and go back to bed. She didn't play, walk, do anything but drink stuff and lie there. Even when we started walking, she'd slip more on ice, even if we were going nice and slow! Once, she fell, oh how I hate to see her fall! She didn't move and I had to go bug another human to help her get up so we could get home.

then the fat man's food started getting lost and coming back up instead of going down, but at least his didn't run to me. He got it to go swimming in the big bowl! Does Carin not know how to do that? I guess the fat man told her how to do that, because for the rest of the time she was sick, she did the same thing.

They kept saying that was a horrible flu. Now everybody's talking about this swine flu. So whatever swine are, their food gets lost and comes running the other way? Weird. Does their food hit humans on the head and kill them and that's why people are all worried about this swine flu? I wonder what a swine looks like so I can make sure I don't get hit on the head by lost food.

Carin and the fat man replaced one of those things that they sit on when they watch that TV box. I don't know what was wrong with the old one. It had little holes in it, but I thought those little holes were neat! But I guess they didn't like them. We went into this big room full of things to sit in. There were so many things to sit in that there was no room to stand or walk! Does someone live here? How do they even move? Carin and the fat man sat in a few different things. then the next day, the guy who talked to us while we sat on things came and brought one of the things from the store! I had to check it and make sure it was the exact same thing. Did this arm smell like that other place? Yep. How about this one? Sure did. I had to smell it all over and see who had sat on it before. It was like the elevator. It had a story and I had to find out what it was!

Now it just smells like us. I wonder how long until it disappears and something else will come in with a new story to smell.

You know, for a while, those other humans that I met when we got off the flying car bus thing when I just came from California used to scare me. When they would show up, I'd wonder if I was going to move somewhere else. Now I realize they're just people that Carin knows. There's the one she calls dad who got a new hip who seems to be doing pretty well because he can move pretty fast and doesn't need stick things or wheely things, and there's the one who she calls mom who I like to come to in the mornings when we're at the house with the cat and nudge her and ask her to pet me. When she stops, sometimes I give her another poke and she starts again. They love me so much. Now I get really happy when I se them. One time, they came to our place and I was so happy I ran and ran and ran around until I sat there puffing. I wonder when we'll see them again.

I've seen lots of new dogs who wear harnesses like I do. There's a girl who used to walk around with a big yellow dog who I thought was pretty cute stuff even though he was really really old. Well, I guess he got too old and he's not with her anymore. She now has a cool new black lab who's younger than me! Cool! Now I rank higher in the pack!

Then there's another dog who I got to meet who was pretty much my same size. He came to visit us and he was with a lady, a guy, and a little girl. the little girl was scared that Carin and the other lady would get confused and mix me up with him. How is that possible? I'm a girl and he's a boy! Can they not tell the difference?

And then there's another dog in town. I still think she's cool...but I think I'll keep an eye on her. I'll get to that later. She's about my size and we sometimes wiggle noses when we meet...until we get caught. I hear talk that we might get together for some kind of party. What's a party?

Something's going on with the lady and the man who live downstairs. One time, we came into their house, and the couch thing Carin always sits on was gone! Now there's a little bed inside a bunch of bars there. Who could sleep in that little bed? I don't think the lady or the man could fit in there...and why do they need the bars? Is someone trying to get out?

There's something going on with the lady. Her belly smells funny. She never smelled like that before, and her belly is getting bigger, bigger and bigger and bigger! When I'm off duty, I love to run up to her and sniff sniff sniff right at her belly. It's so interesting. One time, Carin and the lady went to this weird room that kind of smelled like my vet's place only without the smells of doggies and kitties and all that. The lady lay on a table and they put this goo on her belly and were moving this thing around. Then there were these big woosh! woosh! woosh noises coming from over there! Something is woosh woosh wooshing in there? I'm very scared. It sounds big and loud and weird! I can't quite figure out what I'm sniffing. I'm just going to have to keep trying.

You know, I like most dogs I meet, but there are a few that I just can't stand. Back a while ago, we went to visit another house for a little while. They had this wee wee wee wee tiny dog. I thought wel, that dog can't jump on me and go up and down, up and down. It can't be that bad. Oh oh no, how wrong I was.

That dog chased me, and chased me, and chased me some more. I would lie down and there she'd be, running over to me. I'd have to get up again, and run around, and around, and around again! and again! and again! does this thing ever sleep? Is she a dog?

Then I noticed her teeth. They were sharp sharp sharp and she liked to chew on things. She tried to chew on Carin! No! Even I know Carin's not for chewing! Was I this bad as a puppy?

Then I didn't see her for a while. But not too long ago, we went to visit that other house where we've been before. That guy I really like comes there too. Not the one I see all the time, but the other guy. I think he's the fat man's brother. Anyway, we were there, and we all went over to another house. As we came to the door, I heard a familiar "roofroofroof roof! Roof! Roof!" I think it was that wee puppy.

but no! She wasn't wee anymore! She had gotten bigger. She was still smaller than me, but she was all legs! Nooo! More legs means more running! And at this house Carin kept me on the leash! I knew right then that I had to set some GR'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'ROUND! R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'RULES! Dog, leave me alone R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'RIGHT! now! Don't come any closer'r'r'r'r'r'r'r. Do I make myself CLEAR'R'R'R'R'R'R'R'R? But it would still bark and try to bug me. Luckily, the humans that came with her put her on a leash and that was that.

I saw another dog there and it made me sad. He was this big white dog. We both shared a fear of thunder storms. I met him last year and we both went shakepuff shakepuff shakepuff when the sky went flash boom flash boom flash boom. But now, he can hardly move on his own. The fat mans' brother had to help him get outside so he could do his business. They say he's really old and that's why he's like that. I don't want to get old. I don't want to not be able to move on my own.

But back to that other dog. The next week, we went to her house! All weekend, I tried to tell her to get away. As long as she was across the room, I didn't care, but if she got too close, I would puff up. I would bark, growl, everything that said leave me alone. But she never learned! Some dogs don't take no for an answer!

that weekend was busy busy busy. We were back in one of those church things with benches and organs and strange things people did like standing up and then sitting down. What's the point of standing up if you're not going to walk somewhere? But I've accepted that if you're in one of those places with benches, that's just what you do. When Carin stands up, I just lie down. I know I'm not going anywhere until she says so.

So I guess you go to these places with benches for happy and sad things. This was a happy thing, a wedding. I didn't se the fat man at first when we got there. I didn't know where he had gone. That was weird! But then, there he was, all dressed up in funny clothes. He walked with a bunch of other guys and girls and the little kids with flowers and other little kids with rings. I wonder why the fat man was up there and Carin wasn't. Oh well, I have to accept that there are some things I just dont' understand.

After we were done standing up and sitting down, some more fun happened. We got in this car with this other lady and man that we'd met before and went to their house. There was another dog there! But he was much nicer to me than the puppy. He knew how to play nice. He liked to give me bones to play with, but if I didn't take them, he'd take them back. I can deal with that.

I soon learned that he was a guide dog too! Wow! Another guide dog! That was pretty fun. but I was glad to get back home after all that driving and staying away from puppies and all that stuff.

Remember back when I said I have to keep an eye on that other guide dog that I like to wiggle my nose at? Here's why. One morning, Carin and I went outside to meet someone. It was that guide dog and the lady she's always with! I was sooo excited! Where could we possibly be going together? She was sooo excited too. We got in this big car thing where there was lots of room and we drove for a little bit. Soon we got out. I'd never been here before.

When we first came inside, everything seemed ok, but soon, it all got really bad. They put lights in my eyes! They put drops in my eyes! They put more stuff in my eyes! Soon I couldn't see where I was going! How was I supposed to do my job if I couldn't see? What was going on! The last time this happened to me was whenI had just left the place where I'd been with the nice lady who sent me the bed when I got here! I'd just gotten back to that kennel place, and oh me oh my, they looked me all over, and this was part of it! Why was this happening again?

I couldn't see all day. It was scary! but that other dog didn't seem upset by this. She had to have known this was going on. If she didn't, how could she be so relaxed? If she knew, why didn't she warn me? I don't know if I can trust her next time I see her.

But I can find comfort in something I've seen a few times. the humans have vets too! I mean, they call the place I go where they poke me and prod me and shine lights at me the vet, and I saw people poke and prod and shine lights at Carin, so it must be a vet. but the weird part is she doesn't seem to mind. She doesn't tell me to get away from these bad people. She just lets them do it! And she says I'm submissive. She's the bigger wuss. At least I try and get away from there. Hmmm. Either she's a wuss, or she's dumb. She hasn't figured out that these people are bad. Hmmm. I think I'd rather think she's a big wuss. That's the better choice.

This week's been busy busy busy. We went to a place where there was lots and lots of people. there was another guide dog, but I didn't get to meet him. I only got to watch him walk by, and I got to sniff where he'd peed.

Anyway, I think Carin called it a conference. We sat at tables and people talked to us. Then we'd walk to another room and sit and people would talk. But at one point we didn't sit. We stood in front of everyone and Carin and this other lady talked! I wonder what they talked about. They'd talk and type and the computer would talk really loud from these big speakers across the room. I guess people liked it, they made that clap clap clap noise with their hands when they were done.

Hmmm. I think I've run out of things to say. Maybe I'll go chew on a bone now.

The Can Is Exactly Where This Belongs

I wasn't sure that thecheeseburger in a cancould ever be topped, but I think it may have just been done. Beholdthe whole chicken in a can.Yes, bones and all. Grab yourself a bucket and click the link for lots of pictures and some pretty funny step by step narration. I'm glad I've already eaten lunch today.

How Do You Dress Up Like Stupidity

Somebody from Ramco Primary School in South Australia: Hey, I've got a great idea! We should hold a fundraiser for people with disabilities, and to make the experience fun for the kids, we canhave them dress up like people with different disabilities and give out prizes for best costume.

Somebody else from the same school: That sounds absolutely smashing! I'll go print something up for the newsletter right away!

Newsletter: "There will be prizes for the best students dressed as a person with a disability. Get your thinking hats on and see what disability you can represent!"

General Public: Whaaaaaaat!?

Backpedalling School Principal Barrey Niven realizing the calibre of idiots he has working for him and trying, seemingly, to outdo them:

The idea had been to raise student awareness of what it is like to cope daily with a disability but the idea had not been conveyed well in the newsletter.

The intention of the fundraiser, devised by the school's Student Representative Council, had been for students to come in with a bandaged arm or leg, he explained.

Steve: Yeah, because a papercut and paralysis have so much in common.

next time, try thinking things through for a minute or 2. You'd be amazed how much trouble you can avoid that way.

Yikes

Every time I read this story, I feel sick.

Stephen M. Bottila went into a McDonald's with his service dog, a dog who detects his seizures. The manager let him eat there and the dog was sleeping under the table. Then, for some unknown reason, the manager called police to have him removed. What the hell? When they came, he said he wanted to file a complaint against the manager, but they said he had to leave the place first. He refused, and then they ended up tasing him. Now he's in jail and his dog is in the humane society!

What kind of crap is that? If the dog was causing some kind of a problem, I'd understand the police being called. But it was doing what it should have been. And if the dude started punching the officer, which was never mentioned, then I'd understand the tasing. But this just sounds ridiculous. I think the police in Madison need some serious retraining, and a few need to be fired. Maybe they'll end up in Philadelphia doing blind tests.

I Made A Shitty Song Down In Africa

You know what I hate? Ok, who said just about everything? You're right, but still, shut your trap.

Today's heaping helping of go die in a fire is directed at what results when so-called musicians take perfectly acceptable songs and do horrible, unspeakable things to them. For example, have a listen to what some no-talent penis muffin named Karl wolfdidtoToto's Africa.

Seriously,what the hell? Che che che cha che che oooo!? That's your hook? It was annoying before I heard it the first time,and now that it's passed through my brain about 10 or 12 times with all the grace and ease of passing a watermelon through the penis, it's gotten significantly worse.

And what the hell's up with that guy who sounds vaguely like what I picture the Jamaican version of Cookie Monster sounding like? Does he serve any purpose other than to drag things down to depths not considered possible when the idea of ruining a song was first hatched?

"Ok, we're totally on to something here. The morons are gonna like so eat this up!"

"But there's something missing. we need something, someone to put it over the top. Anybody can fuck up something that a real recording artist worked hard on, but if we're going to send this baby into the stratosphere of douchebaggery, we need to work a little harder."

"Wait, I've got it! What if we hired a cartoon and had it do some halfassed reggae!?"

"That's perfect! It'll piss off the classic rock fans and probably make a few reggae people angry too. You're a fuckin' genius!"

My research tells me that in this case, C is not for cookie, but rather for Culture, a Canadian Reggae artist. My research also tells me that culture has something to do with bacteria, a fact that seems more than worth mentioning in this case.

And of course, there's the matter ofthe lyrics.What does anything in the verses have to do with Africa exactly? So far as I can tell, it's a poorly written song about a girl with what appears to be the chorus from the old song thrown in because Wolf couldn't be bothered to come up with something of his own. doesn't get much lazier than that.

There's far too much of that going on in today's music. It was cool in its own lame way for a little while in the 80's and early 90's as a novelty thing, but it's been over done for the better part of the last 15 years. There needs to be a rule stating that you're not allowed to release a single like this until you've written at least 27 decent songs of your own. Why 27? Just because, or in other words, I don't need a good reason, just like the dipshits who keep deficating all over my earspace with this kind of crap.

I'd like to end things on a positive note by giving props to whoever transcribed the lyrics I linked. You, my friend, made my day brighter. I've never seen anybody try to write out a scat break before.

Doobara, doobara, doobra, doobara, doobara, Doobara, doobara, doobaba, boorr, boobaba, Dodo, dood, adooro, orooda, dooroo, dobara Doobara doobara doobara baabaabaa

Awesome. But what's even more awesome is that whoever this is wrote that whole thing out,but didn't even take a stab at trying to figure out what the Culture guy was babbling about. Fantastic.

How To Kill A Character In One Easy Step And Other Wrestling Stuff

It seems like whenever I decide to write about wrestling anymore, it's usually to complain. Today will be no different, but I'm going to start off with a few good things that I've been meaning to mention for a while just to kind of balance things out.

Ring of Honor on HDNet. If you haven't seen the show, try to catch it. It's a wrestling show with wrestling on it, which nowadays is nothing short of revolutionary. You might have read some complaints about it on the internet especially from some long-time fans of the promotion, but don't listen to them, the show isn't bad at all. I'm more likely now to give the company a chance and spring for a DVD or a pay-per-view than I ever have been before, so on some level the show is accomplishing what any good wrestling TV product is supposed to accomplish, bringing in fans and turning them into customers. As much of a wrestling fan as I am, I could never sit through an entire ROH event before, even when they were split into parts like they are on the Fight Network where I watched most of my ROH until the HDNet show came along. Don't get me wrong, there was some great stuff on those shows, but there was just too much going on and there was too little sense of how to properly build wrestling from start to finish. If I've sat through 3 hours of craziness complete with everybody kicking out of things that should be finishers and doing insanely stupid things that could kill them and am completely burned out by the time the main event comes around, that's bad. I should want to see the 2 best wrestlers in the company wrestle for an hour. I should not cringe when I realize that fuck, there's still another hour left before I can go do something else. With the TV show, ROH has figured out that not every match on every show has to be the best. some can just be ok. They're slowly introducing the characters and giving people a reason to pay attention to them. The main events are always good,and there's none of the stupid backstage shit that pollutes TNA and WWE. It even comes complete with its own drinking game. whenever lead announcer Mike Hogewood tells you that something hurts, do a shot. I tried that once and didn't wake up for 3 days. but in spite of his relying too much on the that hurt stuff and his being new in wrestling, he's got a lot of potential and seems like he really wants to learn and improve. Now if somebody could tell me what exactly slap the porpoise is supposed to mean...

Moving along, I'm happy to say that TNA has been ok the last few weeks. It's still pretty damn stupid, but grading by TNA standards it's not nearly as stupid as usual largely thanks to Mick Foley. He's fantastic in the role of the insane guy with money and power, and the segment where he interviewed himself before Lockdown was some of the best stuff TNA has done in forever.

Even WWE, who I happily shat all over around Wrestlemania time for putting on such boring programming, has gotten much better. From Backlash to now, most of the shows have been pretty entertaining. Smackdown in particular has been awesome, with guys like Edge, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, Shelton Benjamin and John Morrison to name just a few putting on great matches week after week. The storylines even make sense, believe it or not. It's amazing how paying attention to the little things and the big things for that matter can greatly improve the quality of a show.

Speaking of little things, I'm enjoying the Christian vs. Jack Swagger feud on ECW a whole lot. The story that the young Swagger keeps getting out cheated by the more experienced Christian is just great. I want to see how long they can keep it going and how Swagger will finally beat him if they go that route.

Raw pretty well sucks, which only strengthens my long held theory that WWE has a policy that all of the shows can't be good at the same time.

And now for the complaining, which I guess I kind of started in the last paragraph. Oh well, who cares about order anyway?

As good as Smackdown has been lately, I saw something on the most recent episode that drove me completely nuts. Umaga. Specifically Umaga with a microphone speaking perfect English and challenging CM Punk to a match. Just...NO! Umaga is supposed to be a madman from the Islands, a savage they sometimes call him. He comes out, beats the stuffings out of people, leaves them for dead and then goes home...wherever that is. He does not come out, beat the stuffings out of people, leave them for dead,then pick up the mic and say "I am issuing a challenge to you for a match at Extreme Rules" in the same overly scripted manner that everybody else is forced to use. I got over the fact that this crazed island beast doesn't have a manager to speak for him or to handle his money anymore, but I'm not getting over this. It's too much and I possess not the required amount of suspendible disbelief to make it work. Umaga, one of the few truly unique characters in the whole company for the last 3 years, is now just another guy after 30 seconds of stupidity. Nice work, you fools. Not every character needs to talk, and whoever made this call is an idiot.

Ok, I think I'm done. I'm going to go watch the Jays play like the Jays for the first time in what seems like forever. Hopefully they won't blow the 7-2 lead. bye for now.

Tall Trees Hangin' Over The Resort, Feels Like they're Tearin' Us Down

A resort is famous for the palm trees that grow there. People come from miles around to admire them. All is well. Town officials conduct an inspection and determine that having all these trees everywhere is unsafe because children liked to hang around near them at night and even worse, muggers could use them to hide themselves before they strike their victims. Trees are cut down so that the world can be a safer place. All is no longer well.

Did the above take place in:
A. The UK
B. The UK
C. The UK
or
D. The UK?

If you guessed the UK, you win a trip to the now treelessGENTEEL seaside resort.

Amazingly or maybe not so if you've been paying attention, this isn't the first time the trees have run afoul of Torquay Town Council. Two years ago they were felled because it was feared that their overhanging sharp leaves might injure people. For serious. No really. You don't honestly think I'm capable of making up things this stupid, do you?

But all hope may not be lost. Most of it sure, but not all...yet. After getting not nearly the earful they deserve from outraged area residents, the council is now claiming in true we screwed up fashion that the cutting of the trees was meant merely as a way to tidy the place up before the holidays. They say that they will be replaced, and that 4 more will be added, so the story has a happy ending for now.

I'd suggest that some helpful townsfolk bring it to council's attention that muggers can also hide behind their building so that they'll knock the thing down for the good of society,but knowing how the UK works they would just spend a few million pounds building a new one, so we'll pretend I never mentioned it.

We Find The Defendant Guilty Based On Name

Arrested recently in Florida on a DUI charge wasRandy Joe Beverage.

Another Installment Of The Adventures Of trixie And I

I think Trixie has earned herself another dog post.

Last weekend, we went to a friend's wedding, and Steve was in the wedding party. Hopefully we'll get some good pictures back, and you'll actually get to see what Steve looks like. It'll look a hell of a lot better than my failed attempt at photography.

Anyway, the wedding was taking place in the little town where some family of Steve's lives, ya know, the ones with the Australian shepherd puppy. Well, that puppy had grown a whole bunch, and Trixie had grown an assertive side! Oh my!

She was funny. She would not go near the puppy, she'd just lay still, but if that thing got inside a perimeter that she had decided was too close, grererer'rowl! Rerrererererooof! Oh my my, what are those? Hackles?

Unfortunately for Trixie, the puppy didn't understand that was a loud signal to leave her the hell alone. So if we didn't intervene, she would have been doing that all weekend. that dog seemed to think that was a sign of play. Um, pooch, ya might wana learn your own species's body language.

We tried everything, most of which involved separating the dogs in some way. Even if they were outside, they wouldn't settle things there either. they'd just avoid each other. So either the pup was downstairs while we were upstairs, or we were downstairs and Trix stood at the top of the stairs, or the pup was leashed to someone so she would stay away from Trixie. Poor trixie. I was proud of her assertiveness, but it still didn't quite work. I was also dead scared that Trixie would surprise everyone and try and bite the puppy. I would never be able to forgive myself if that happened.

I felt I was in a horrible position. I didn't want to correct Trixie for speaking her mind and telling that puppy to go pound rocks, but...she was in that puppy's house, and I didn't want the barking and growling to go on all weekend in their house. I was afraid they'd never have us back. They were very understanding and doing their level best to correct their puppy's behaviour, but still, it's their house. so I just tried to get between them and stop it before it started.

I was also dead scared that her fear of that pup would transfer to other dogs, and I didn't want that to happen. but I'm learning that Trixie doesn't have anything against a dog until it offends her first. then she holds a grudge! My god, whoever said dogs didn't hold grudges hasn't met mine.

then, at the wedding, another groomsman had a guide dog too. but for some reason his parents were holding onto it for him...and they were nice enough to give me a ride between the wedding and reception, which were in different towns and timed a couple of hours apart. I couldn't thank them enough for letting me go to their house between wedding and reception. It made the tasks of feeding and relieving Trixie very easy, and Trixie got to meet his guide dog. God those two dogs had fun, and he became a big ol' showoff. At one point, he dropped a bone in front of Trixie as if to say, "Play with this." when she didn't, he ran away with it. I swear he said, "too slo! You lose!"

The wedding was awesome. I barely knew the bride at all, but the speeches from her and her bride's maids made me wanna cry. The food was great, and Trixie behaved herself perfectly...except at the end when she got tired and tried to see if she could dive for stuff. but other than that little moment, she was perfect, following folks wherever we needed to go, hanging out under the table and being quiet as a mouse, just being gorgeous.

then I got home and found out that this summer, we might be able to meet up with her puppy raisers! They're going to be on this side of Niagara Falls, which is a lot closer than Sacramento. I'm so excited I can't stop thinking about it. I want them to see that Trixie is still fit as a fiddle, happy, and most importantly, awesome!

...Which brings me to the fears side of things. I'm afraid she may be silly as all hell with them present and they'll be left with a less than stellar vision of what she's like. There's a silly part of me that is worried about the logistics of our initial meeting. I mean, should we meet in a train or bus station? Trixie may catch sight of them and mow down half the station to reach them. Sure she's a working dog and knows the difference between work and play...but these are the people who raised her from puppyhood. I could understand if she lost it and went for them.

But these are small things and I'm sure it'll all work out and it'll be a fun time for all. if it can happen at all, it's going to.

Remember I mentioned a wile ago that my neighbours were going to be proud parents soon? Well, the baby isn't born yet, but it will be soon soon soon! But the funny new thing Trixie does is whenever she can greet my neighbour, she runs up to her and sniffs her belly. Can you smell baby in there?

I had a funny thing happen the other day when I was out with Trix on flexi. Whenever I put her on the flexi, I put the harness and leash on my shoulder. I've never had a problem with the leash falling off in the summer. In the snow, I clip the leash to my coat zipper so if I slip, it won't go flying. Well, the other day it fell off when I was in the grass. Damn it I didn't have a hope of finding it.

Just then, someone came by. I stopped him and asked him if he could do me a favour. I asked him if anywhere near me he could see...and as I was about to describe the leash, he said "dog shit?" I laughed and said no, but if there was some that I somehow hadn't noticed I'd pick it up. He said no and then found the leashfor me. But I've never had someone put it that bluntly before.

After two years with Trixie, I had my first almost denial of access. But it all worked out, so it wasn't a major deal. I went to a restaurant to get some takeout. Once I had it, I said I was going to call a cab. They said they would call it for me. I didn't get a chance to tell them to mention my guide dog. I know I don't have to, but I do this just because I don't want a guy to show up with severe alergies and really not be able to take her. but I've heard that half the time when I say this, the message doesn't reach the cabbies anyway, so I wasn't too wirried.

when the cab showed up, it was driven by a man with a heavy accent who said "Oh, you have a dog." Another bystander and I explained to him that it was a guide dog and he still said, "Oh it's a dog. I dont' think I can take her." After a couple of go-rounds, I said "Do you have severe alergies?" He said he did. So I said I'd call another cab and reached for my cellphone. Then the man started to skitter. "No no no no! come back! Get in! It's ok! Get in!" Then the story changed to "some owners of the cars don't want dogs in the car." I told him that if they had a problem with it, they really didn't have a leg to stand on because it was the law, and if they had a problem, they must be an extraordinarily small group of them because I've used this same cab company for two years and I've never been denied access before. then the story changed to "my face will be itchy all night." to that I said you should have let me call another cab then.

I have another theory. I think he was muslim, and I know a lot of muslim folk like to try and use their religion as a reason to not take the dog. I mean, if his alergies were that bad, he would have let me call another cab. And he wouldn't have got out of his door and run around to mine, even though I was offering to hand him the money so he didn't have to move from his seat.

Luckily for me, the bystander got his cab number, so I didn't care what he went on about, I was letting the company know that he needed a bit of education. I did, and the manager was awesome about it. I stressed that he wasn't evil, he just needed a bit of education about the rights of guide dog-handlers, and I told him that I'd never had a problem with his company before.

This brings me to another point that I have to stress. Why do people feel they have to do my advocacy for me? I have a mouth and I'm quite able to use it. I didn't mind when she was helping me explain to the guy that a guide dog has special rights. the guy had trouble with English, so two voices might be better than one. what I have a problem with is this: I came home and immediately called the cab company asking who I could lodge a complaint with. The first words out of the dispatcher's mouth were "Is this the lady with the seeing eye dog? We already had a woman call about that." whaaat? I guess the woman who helped me get his cab number was afraid I wouldn't be able to remember his cab number even though it was just one digit. Ug. In this case, it wasn't a big deal, but I had another woman call on my behalf when it was completely unwanted and uncalled-for.

Not long after I got Trixie, I went to a store and bought a bunch of shit so I had to cab home. The cabby said "the seats are leather so can your dog stay on the floor?" I said no prob, that's where she belongs anyway. I got in, we drove off, all was good. About an hour later, I had a knock on my door. It was the cabby! How he got into the building I don't know, probably followed someone, but there he was. He said someone had complained to the cab company that he had refused my dog. I was completely in shock. He was pleading with me to clear his name. He too is muslim I'm pretty sure, so didn't need this mark on him. Not like anyone does, but...I think they get accused easier. so I had to phone the cab company and fix it for him. then I had to call the store and find out what happened. the lady said she was appalled that he made the dog go on the floor and the seats weren't leather, hell they looked plastic. I told her I knew she meant well, but next time, check with me before calling and reporting someone on my behalf.

so please, everybody, unless you see that I'm horribly unmatched and indire need of an advocate, plese let me fight my own battles. I'm not too shabby at it. If you want to help, especially in the sense of making calls about me whenI'm not present, check with me first, ok?

Here's a new one for ya. Have you ever had someone say "I won't pet your dog..." while petting it? I had that yesterday, and busted the person at it. I've never seen someone skitter off so fast. This woman who was obviously a bit slow kept saying "that's a working dog so I'm not gonna touch it." At first I said thank you for not petting her. But then I stopped in an aisle. She came up behind me repeatedly saying "Not gonna touch your dog, not gonna touch it. Not gonna touch it.." ThenI felt it! Pet pet pet. I grabbed her hand and said "Excuse me, if you know better, then please do the right thing." She was gone, gone gone gone. Hey Joe Public, I'm not dumb.

I think that's about it. Hope you enjoyed my Trixie ramblings.

Maybe Cadie?

I'm so confused. Maybe I'm a bear of very little brain just like Winnie the Pooh after all.

Ok, where do I begin? Well, I guess where I stumbled across this. When I was reading my Top Tech Tidbits, I came across a site called Access On Main Street. It's basically a giant pile of mainstream apps/gadgets/anything and everything in between that either by accident or design, is accessible to someone with a disability.

One of the things they mentioned was Cadie, or Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed Intelligence Entity. Yeah, I prefer Cadie. Anyway, they said that this Cadie thing could be put in an app that could search your brain and tell you as you approached someone if you actually knew them and then tell you what you knew, and they said it would help folks with Alzheimer's disease. They said this video would make that point abundantly clear. Except... it doesn't for me. there is no audio except for that groovy Nintendo-like song.

So, three questions. what happens in the video? I wanna know.

Second, how does it exactly search your brain?

And, um..uh...erm...if your brain has become flawed due to alzheimer's, how is this thing going to be helpful? I would assume it's only as good as the source material, and if that material has degraded, how could it be able to make any more sense of it than the person?

Hello Transcendent Man, How's it goin'?

You Can Scream...But Noone Will Hear You!

I know this scream muffler was intended for a person to put over one's own mouth to muffle their own screams, I guess if they were stressed out or something, but I could see it going horribly, horribly wrong real fast. I mean, I can't see why another person couldn't put it over someone else's mouth, perhaps while kidnapping or doing other less than good things to them.

Nooo! You'll Get The Chip!

Two thoughts about this guy's creepy idea, actually I should make it 3.

1. Eeeek! Seriously! How about no?

2. If it should be implanted in fugitives, how are ya gonna get it in there? If they're running from justice, they're not very well gonna stop and let ya shoot them with a microchip like a dog.

and 3. thank god the German folks are saying no. If the wrong people, i.e. anyone, gets this device, a lot of people could die just for having the wrong opinion. I'm sure China would love this thing.

As an aside, I get the creeps that he thinks domestic help should be forced to have this thing inside them. Yuck.

Stupid Tag, You're It!

My head cannot process this level of stupidity. It makes the jaw drop and it makes you want to put your head in your hands for a long time.

If you ever feel compelled to play a game of lighter fluid tag, don't. ok? Just don't. don't give it a second thought, don't think it might be fun, just look at the guy wanting to play with you and realize you have a very stupid friend.

Wanna know how this super fun game works? Oh yes you do, you know you do.

The players squirt themselves with lighter fluid and then light the clothing of the person who is "it."

The tagged person beats the flames out before "tagging" another person.

Yeah, sounds like great fun. Idiots! Hopefully this "new fad" doesn't keep burn units too busy.

Here Comes the bride, all Dressed In white, There goes The Groom In Handcuffs!

I'm glad this didn't happen at the wedding we were at last weekend.

Seriously guys, do you think it's a good idea to try and prevent the officer from going into his trunk to get handcuffs? Do you really think it's a swell plan to put yourself between officer and other dude getting arrested? Do you really think that's smart?

And all this over pants.

Where To?

I'm not sure why anyone would call a taxi and use it as a getaway car, but years of tracking the depths of human stupidity has taught me that some people do. So as a helpful tip for these master criminals, I offer the following suggestion. When leaving the scene of your heist, try your best to ensure that your cab of choice isn'tbeing driven by the victim of one of your previous burglaries.She may recognize you and turn you in after dropping you off.

the preceding public service announcement has been brought to you in part by Robert Brooks and Neil Goode (who has just about the perfect prison name), each of whom will have a couple of years to sit and think about it.

Oh I wish I Had A River, I Could Dog-Paddle Away In

You know a story's going to be good when it has the headline of Des Moines Man Jumps Into River Again. Again? Yes, James Randolph apparently likes to jump into the river to get attention, so much so that nobody's phased by it anymore, not even him.

I guess randolph went to the police station to report that drug dealers had taken his money, something that I doubt happened judging by everything else this goofball decided to do. After asking to speak to an officer, he asked for a pen and paper. He wrote the word "river" on the paper and handed it back to an employee, and then left the station. This made them head out to the river just in time to watch him kersploosh into it and dog-paddle around. When asked to get out of the river, he did, and then just started gathering shells like this was nothing. but when he found out noone had collected up his coat and glasses he'd left on the bank, that was maddening.

Things didn't end at the ER, where he spit on an officer, threatened her and said "I thought you were my friend." Now he's in jail. I wonder if he thinks the guards are his friends too. I also wonder when the next headline will read that he jumped in the river...again.

Pachelbel's Rant

The other day, Barb told me about this rant about Pachelbel's Cannon. You know the song, or if you don't, you'll know it now. the comedian's name is Rob Paravonian, and it reminded me of the sketch Steve posted about back in January.

The rant's been following me around all weekend because I was at a wedding, and what did they play? Pachelbel's Cannon! Enjoy, and be amazed at how that thing follows you, and you don't even realize it.

A chiliing Effect

Woohoo, food fight!

Back a couple of weeks ago, we learned that a bowl of chili was dumped on a nagging wife.

Now, a bowl of chili was used as a weapon to fend off burglars. the weirdest thing was the burglars didn't want money or jewellery. they wanted the woman's medication, and it wasn't like the medications were powerful painkillers or anything. wel, they got chili and a broom thrown at them.

Philadelphia Freedom?

I know there are lots of good cops, but it's cops like these that make people afraid of them. What kind of bullshit is "the blind test?" Well, it's bullshit. There is no blind test.

I hope that the charges against Nicola Cantisani are dropped if things happened the way he says they did. that's just scary. If I were him, I'd be having nightmares too. And I hope some heads roll over this, although I have my doubts.

People Are Strange, When You're A Guide Dog Handler

Here's a new one in the list of bizarro guide dog-related happenings I've had.

I was standing at a busy corner. since I can't see the light, I like to start my crossing at the beginning of the light cycle. So I like to hear the cars go on the street in front of me and then when they stop going and the cars go on the street beside me, then I go. so, I was standing at the corner, waiting for my chance. I must have arrived near the beginning of the cycle for the cars on the street beside me. but of course I'd have no idea, so I was waiting. Apparently, watching me stand there when the light was green for me was too much for one driver to bear. As he drove past me, I think I heard him yell out the window, "Dog! Can't you learn colour? Go!"

After I had processed the string of what I heard fired at me as the car passed, I couldn't help but chuckle. No, dog can't learn colour. Dog is colour-blind. Dog doesn't tell me when it's time to go, but...we've been there before.

After crossing, I found myself being cheered on by another guy. As I was lining up with the other street, I heard, "ah come on, dog, gogogogogo...aww! It's yellow!" No dude, I have to line up, and with this street, I'm pushing the damn button and waiting for the cuckoo. There's no way I'm stepping out unless I know it's the beginning of the light. It's a short light.

What was up with people wanting to cheer and order my dog around yesterday? I wish I could have told the driver that the dog can't see colours, but he probably wouldn't have understood anyway.

Brain-Invading Song Fight!

Hmmm. Do we have a song fit to rival the dagga dagga doodoo song? I think we might. This happy little tune will chase me as I walk down the street, I'm sure of it. Will it chase you?

Now, I'm sure you're all wondering what the hell I was doing on the official Peeps website. I mean, why would I be looking at marshmallow peeps? Well, there was a post on Weird Universe that said their song would drive me slowly insane, and I had to see. I don't know if it would drive me insane, but I did find myself glued to it for a few repetitions.

So, Matt, let us know if this song is as insanity-provoking as the other one.

And since Steve asked for it to be a ringtone, I made it into one. So in case the Peeps site ever changes its theme or disappears off the map or something,here's the mp3 I made. It won't loop like the peeps site does now, but hey, what are ya gonna do? Well I guess you could make it loop, but ya know.

The Horror! He's Looking Up Laws At A Library!

Since when was looking up laws on any subject at a library something that warranted calling the police? At Pelham Manor, it's since now.

an eleventh-grade student was looking up laws on gun-concealment. A librarian got all scared and informed police, saying he was trying to figure out how to conceal a gun. After being interviewed, police figured out he was doing research, *gasp*, at a library, *gasp*, and there was no crime.

Listen, librarian, keep your nose out of folks' business. The information is there to be looked at. You have no idea what he's researching it for. but if you keep calling the police for everything you think is a bad sign, nobody will want to use your library for fear of being called into the principal's office for no good reason.

I couldn't say it any better than Randy Cassingham did in his essay on the subject, so I'll just link to it and hope that other librarians don't follow this trend.

Death By Teaspoon?

Here we go again with the UK. Now, in order to buy teaspoons, you must prove that you're over 18. this is because, apparently, someone was murdered with a teaspoon.

Here come the questions. first, how does one murder someone with a teaspoon? I mean, I guess you could use the teaspoon to add poison to a drink of theirs, but how do you actually use the teaspoon to hurt someone? Maybe you could turn it into some kind of knife or something.

Second, I didn't realize that the majority of murders in Britain were committed by children. What a horrible, horrible stat. Seriously, what does age have to do with whether or not someone will commit murder?

Now the store's manager is left scratching his head, but someone had to come up with the teaspoon murder story somewhere.

the Most Politically Incorrect Attempt At Political Correctness

Here's a diversity brochure that was a definite fail. anyone who would have said any of those things isn't just running around blissfully unaware that they're offensive. they know they're offensive, and they're trying to offend. they really went the extra mile to find the worst possible things people could say.

Now, the agency that put out the brochure is apologizing. wonder if anyone will get fired.

Environy

Here's some irony for ya. A three-man crew had set out on a yacht intending to show that major voyages at sea can be undertaken withminimal impact on the environment. then their poor little boat was battered by hurricane-force winds and they had to be rescued. What was the ship that rescued them? Why, an oil tanker, of course.

They say the tanker's crew are being excellent hosts. I wonder how many of them are chuckling to themselves.

They're Not Wearing Big Boots, But They Still Look Like Clowns

This is getting boring and predictable, but oh well. here's another story about UK stupidity. This time, a garbage can had tipped into a four-inch stream, and council officials refused to remove it because nobody was trained to wear Wellington boots and a safety harness. It's a 4-inch stream, and they're boots! Gees!

Luckily, some villagers weren't afraid to put on the boots and clear the debris, all the while calling this whole thing a joke.

Another Edition Of The Not so Funny Pranks Files

Hey dude, let's burn some popcorn in the dorm's kitchen to set off the fire alarm. that'll be funny. Haw haw haw.

No no, to make it even funnier, let's tie some dorm rooms shut!

yeah! Haw haw hhaw, that'll be a funny, funny joke!

How about no.

Next time, let's tie your dorm room shut and set a fire and see how side-splitting the joke is there, Matthew Dortch, Patrick Robinson and Christopher Scifo. I don't think you'd be laughing.

Unhappy Mother's Day

That wasn't such a good Mother's Day present.

A mom in Australia was lying upstairs in her bed waiting for some breakfast in bed that her kids said they'd make her. She heard yelling downstairs but thought it was just them arguing. Nope, her little kidlets had set the kitchen on fire, and daddy dearest had sustained second-degree burns to his hands.

I imagine that next year, breakfast in bed will consist of fruit salad, or maybe cereal...just as long as the kids don't sing Dust in the Wind like in that cereal commercial. What the hell cereal was that for, anyway? I guess that ad was a fail.

Ready Or Not, Here's My Bum!

Here's an odd game I don't think I'd ever want to play. Maybe I should say I wouldn't want to be in the same area as someone who's playing it. It's calledHide and Go Poop, or poop and go seek, whatever floats your boat.

Apparently, you text your fellow hide and go poopers when you're, well, doing no. 2, and they have to find you before you finish, flush and get out of there.

There are about a zillion rules, a point system, and this one guy has put a lot of thought into the game, even trying to say it has a long history. I think my favourite line in the whole thing is, "We try and recognize you by your shoes...sometimes we get the wrong person." Wouldn't that be a surprise? You're taking a crap, and people are hitting your stall and I don't know what else, saying they found you. But you don't want to be found! then they have to say "Oh sorry, we were playing a game of hide and go poop and we thought you were someone else." There's an encounter you wont' soon forget.

Some folks must really be bored at work.

You Are Here?

I just did a quick check, and it appears I haven't done one of these since last November. Wow, that seems like way too long. So I'll spare you a whole lot of banter since I don't have much of substance to say today (How is this different from most other days?) and we'll get straight into what's been on the minds of you, our search engine cruising readership.

28 Apr, Tue, 18:41:21
Google:
"i have only nine fingers"

Unfortunately, I don't think Googling for the 10th one is going to help much.

01 Apr, Wed, 16:08:13
  Google:
"carin and steve" marriage

I'm calling shenanigans on this one. Nice try though, Carin.

30 Dec, Tue, 02:02:18   
  Google:
eat pussy that has no genital warts

This seems less like a quest for information and more like somebody is trying to be a big brother to the search engine. You know, giving it the sort of wise advice that can only come from years of experience.

15 Jan, Thu, 21:35:22
Yahoo:
i have a weener dog that is really scared and when i get near it it runs away how do i get rid of that

If you're looking to get rid of it, keep getting near it and it will keep running away. That should work unless it stops running when you're not close enough to it. That could be a problem.

12 Dec, Fri, 08:41:56
Google:
what happens when ambulance crew come to help for lockjaw during oral sex

I can't speak for everybody here, but when I'm in need of an ambulance crew, I'm hoping for one that's not having oral sex when it shows up. But I guess if I've got lockjaw, I'm not in much of a position to complain about it.

19 Jan, Mon, 00:44:46
  Yahoo:
does it hurt when girls spirm

I'm the wrong person to ask, but I'd think it wouldn't hurt as much as this...

09 Dec, Tue, 02:48:31
Google:
does it hurt to stick a q-tip down your urethra

31 Jan, Sat, 21:41:35
Yahoo:
how to make spirm come out of your dick

If this isn't already the title of a health textbook, somebody needs to work on that ASAP.

17 Nov, Mon, 09:30:43
Google:
can a child get syphiliswhat happens when the scabies get in you head of your penis

The less time spent thinking about what spawned this search the better. Agreed?

08 Apr, Wed, 18:26:33
Yahoo:
ugly stupid shit wiring plumbing in overalls with pumpkin

It wouldn't be right if we didn't throw out a little something for the folks in the What the Fuck Department. We get a lot of searches along the "ugly stupid shit" line, but I'm dying to know where the "with pumpkin" thing came from.

07 Nov, Fri, 08:07:04
Google:
gimpy ankle family site:blogspot.com

That was the strangest fetish type entry I could find...until this guy showed up.

13 Apr, Mon, 16:41:16
Yahoo:
LITTLE GIRLS SUCKING BOG BICKS

As far as I can tell, what we have on our hands here is either a pedophile with extremely poor typing skills or somebody who enjoys watching little kids eat pickles in a swamp. I'll let you make the call.

That's all I've got, but believe me, there will be more. As long as people are free to use the internet without passing any kind of intelligence test first, there will always be more.

We Shouldn't Worry About Swine Flu, We ShouldWorry About Brain Rot

We really love to grasp at straws lately, don't we? Here's the latest straw. "We'll get a black president when pigs fly" has become "when we get a black president, we'll get the swine flu." Can we get any more ridiculous? Oh no, I shouldn't ask the question.

Oh, and here's a funny aside for you that my dad told me about. You know how news folk are being discouraged from calling the H1N1 virus "Swine Flu?" Well, apparently on Canada A.m. while they talk about how it's not swine flu, it's H1N1, they flash pictures of pigs on the screen. Nice job, guys.

Make Mine A Sad Commentary On The World

Watchingthis old cartoon,I couldn't help but think about how far not only America, but also the rest of the world, hasn't come in the 61 years since it was made. A lot of us seem pretty content to continually sign all of our rights and freedoms over to the evil this will cure what ails you guy without much thought for what it will mean to them down the road. Sad.

Transcendent Man?

Is this movie about the same Ray Kurzweil that invented all the Kurzweil reading products? Oh yes, yes it is. Has he always been this looped? It appears so. this frightens me. At my computer, I have software designed by a man who thinks that our minds should be combined with technology in order to keep up. Nooo! If I end up on a nature reserve in his idea of the future, so-be-it!

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for everything he has invented. without his creations, who knows if or when OCR would have been a possibility. I didn't know he made the first speech synthesizer. do they mean the one that went in the giant reading machine? Or do they mean another one? I want to keep an open mind, and I think that is part of the reason that my mind rejects the idea of sharing itself with artificial intelligence. Like someone said on a comment on Weird Universe where I first saw this, knowing how easily malware can be created, do we want to run the risk of sharing our heads with malware and potentially allowing it to cloud our thought processes?

Now I really want to see this movie, if only to understand how truly odd his ideas are. I'll have to figure out how.

Offensive Driving

What kind of a dork uses an airport runway for driving lessons? This dork does. My biggest question is how come the guy's dad got fired? It was just this guy giving his girlfriend a driving lesson using the runway. Dear old dad had nothing to do with it, unless he somehow granted access to the runway.

I guess he's lucky all that happened was him getting fired instead of having to deal with 80 barbecued passengers and some french fried family.

Cheesed Off

Woe there Michael Jay Richardson. Easy there big fella. Just because your girlfriend forgot cheddar cheese when she went for groceries doesn't mean you can kick in the bathroom door, smash her car windows and break off two of the car's door handles. How about going to get the cheese, or waiting until morning? I've never heard of someone going into cheese withdrawal.

Maybe the woman should consider herself lucky. If she'd brought it home, maybe he would have asked her for a meatball sub, and then when she didn't put the cheese on right, he would chomp down on her hand like a certain Lyndel Toppin did.

Can I Get An Amen!?

Panicked, Sweat-Covered Pope Reverses Longstanding Ban On Abortion

A Shocking Lack Of Respect for Electricity

what's with people wanting to zap kids lately? First I saw the story of Todd Marcum, who put electric dog collars on his kids and shocked them because he thought it was funny. Real funny. Ha ha ha ha ha. I don't even like the thought of them for dogs!

Next I saw the story of Walter Schmidt, a prison guard at Franklin Correctional Institution in florida, where else, who thought it would be a fine plan to show his colleague's kids what it felt like to get shot with a stun gun while the kids toured the facility. This sent at least one of 'em to hospital. Here's a good quote for ya. "The big shock came when I got fired," said Schmidt. I think the kids beg to differ.

What the hell's going on? I guess I'll have to see if I see more kid-zappings.

All Shall Bow To The Power Of The Mighty Nutsack

Thestory of Jonathan Edward Nicholsonreminds me of our palDaniel T. Dosterfor some reason. As you may recall, Doster is the guy who had a thing for beating off out by the mailbox because somehow it showed his neighbours who was boss.

In the here and now, Nicholson is the guy who got so upset about being evicted from the trailer he was renting that he whipped down the old trousers, pulled out the snake contained therein, and told landlord Harold Dean Jones to "Take a picture of this, you (expletive deleted)." Jones did,and now Nicholson is charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure.

You Might Remember Me From Such Arson Videos As...

It's generally considered good form not to record yourselves committing a crime and posting the results on YouTube, but if for whatever reason you absolutely must do such a thing, keep in mind that it is also considered good form not to repeatedly show your faces to the camera and then add credits complete with all of your real names to the end of your film. Are we clear,troop of Molotov cocktail throwing dumbasses from WATERVILLE, Maine?

A Bunch Of Stuff From My Head

I've been thinking about afew things. Here they are in no particular order.

My Trixie dreams have taken a new twist. They're of two types: One has me going back to training, and some of my classmates are there, only this time, Trixie is with me. We just end up having a refresher, and I think all the time about how easy it's going to be to come home and already have a dog that's used to me.

The other kind of dream is one where for some reason I walk out the door without either Trixie or my cane. I get into the elevator and realize I don't have either...and decide to go out walking anyway! I get out of the driveway and realize that this is going to be painfully slow since I'm always afraid I'm going to hit something..but I decide to go on, because turning back would be some kind of sign of weakness or something.

I understand the first dreams, I think they're a good sign. I'm not abandoning Trixie or losing her anymore. I think I'm doomed to always have dreams about guide dog training because I'm on a list of guide dog users and there's always someone going into class. but at least now, in my dreams, Trixie isn't being neglected or something.

the second dreams completely mystify me. Why would I walk out of the house with neither a cane nor a dog? that's just weird.

I'm about to sound like the biggest prick in the universe, but that's never stopped me before. Has anyone else noticed that some people, I think all the people who do it are black, leave off s's in funny places? I've noticed on TV, they'll say things like "I was at my girlfriend house." Or sometimes it will be "I was at my girlfriend houhe." "My mamma houhe" is another popular hangout. That was supposed to be my mamma's house. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for why the s's disappear. At least with British and Australian folks, when they ad an ar at the end of a word ending in a vowel, it's because the next word begins with a vowel. when French people add or subtract h's, they usually say them where they shouldn't and not when they should, and I understand why. They don't have the h sound. but this thing with the s's confuses me. I think I've thought about it too much.

I went and got an Air Miles card. No, I won't be as annoying as this woman. I never thought I'd get one, but the drugstore is always asking me if I had one, and they told me I could redeem more stuff than I thought. Now, it confuses me, because none of the few miles I have managed to get are showing up on the site. I know I only have a piece of paper until the real plastic shows up and maybe that's why. I'd be pissed if this isn't working. Oh well I guess it didn't cost me anything.

I don't know what was up with last Friday. I think everybody was on weird juice. Steve and I went to the bank, and on the way in, Steve heard a guy randomly yelling "Heeeey! You still have my shovel! Gimme back my shovel!" This isn't the most residential area. Why would someone be yelling at someone else to give him back a shovel? I don't know how to explain it, the guy's voice was so weird and he had to have been far away, but we could still hear him yelling perfectly clearly. And...what's the big deal about a shovel that he had to yell about it?

then on the way out of the bank, a small dog that was outside grabbed onto my leg! At first I thought I'd been bitten, but I think it just held on with its sharp toenails. Luckily, it decided to go for me and not Trixie. Poor Trixie was weirded out for a bit, but was otherwise ok. The lady who owned the dog was convinced that her dog couldn't have possibly done that. Oh, it did. The thing wouldn't stop barking at us and we had to go out another way just to get away from it.

Ok, here's a weird question. I want to find the old A and W Root beer song. I want to use part of it as someone's ringtone on my phone. You know the song that goes baddum baddum, bum baddum baddum, bum, baddum baddum, baddum, baddum, bum. here's a crappy version. What the hell is that thing called? I can't find it anywhere! As an aside, the commercial where the guy calls Mr. Dumas a dumbass in a job interview is pretty funny.

A comercial came on for Heartguard Plus for dogs and I realized how brainwashed I am by prescription drug ads. I new the ad was for a med for dogs, but when it got to the end and said "Ask your veterinarian if Heartguard Plus is right for your dog," my mind completed the sentence with "you" because we've seen so many drug commercials. When the commercial said "your dog," both Steve and I had to laugh because we both thought the same thing.

What is with people using the phrase "with all due respect" when they apparently have none for someone? I always thought it was sort of a way to agree to disagree and tell someone you respected them, but you thought they were wrong. I sometimes hear the phrase "with all due respect" followed by "You're an idiot." And it doesn't seem like a joke! Hmmm. That doesn't seem very respectful at all. It's kind of like how I noticed people saying "no offence" when the next sentence couldn't offend any reasonable human being.

so Sunday is Mother's Day. That seemed to appear out of nowhere for me. But I think about this one a little more than most because dad won't have a mom to celebrate Mother's Day with. She lived next door, and mom's mom lives far away, so they always did that holiday with dad's mom. Now that she's gone, I'm imagining things are going to be a little weird for mom and dad. I guess it's true about the first year after someone passes away being hard all the way through until you have new memories for each major event.

You know how I've talked about the dangers of hybrid cars? Well, I met my first hybrid car today, and didn't have the first clue I'd met it until I was several blocks down. the driver was very considerate and remained out of my way until I was gone because she knew I couldn't hear her, and for that I thank her. She told this to my O and M instructor, who then told me that I just went by a hybrid car. That freaks me out. I was in aquiet, quiet neighbourhood and I still didn't hear it. I didn't have a shred of a clue, not an inkling, nothing at all. I could have been turned into smoked pedestrian and wouldn't have known until it was all over.

This crappy economy really seems to be finding a way to hit everyone, but I think the first organizations who feel it are charities. I never used to worry about GDB much in the money department, but I think they're feeling it too. I don't want to see them suffer. I think everyone who got a dog from them or cares about them at all should try and donate if they can at all. I sure am going to send a little something. I know there are lots of ways to donate. You can donate online, or mail or fax it. There are a million ways. They have given me Trixie, a gift for which I can never repay them. the least I can do is help out somehow.

And I think I'm all out of ideas. Hope that wasnt' too boring.

The Doggy Eye Test Went Well!

A while ago, I talked about the week of eye exams for service dogs. Well, Trix got her eyes tested on Monday, and all's good. I expected that it would be, but I thought it would be good to have a recent eye report on file.

The night before, I was all nervous. Trixie can be kinda persnickety with all things veterinary, and I know I'm not the best patient when it comes to letting someone put drops in my own eyes. I don't know what it is. My eyes just slam shut. I don't want to shut them, they just shut involuntarily. So I thought if I, a human who had agreed to let someone put drops in my eyes, was bad, she would be just absolutely horrid.

For the most part, she was good. During the actual procedure, she was relatively easy for them to manage. They tested her for all kinds of stuff, looked at the front of her eye, checked pressures, tear-production, they dilated her pupils and showed the inner part of her eye on a big TV screen. It was pretty neat. I wish I could have seen that.

But after all the stuff was done...oh good god. As her eyes got blurry and there were all manner of dogs around, she got crazier and crazier. I think they thought she was a bit nuts. But when she gets stresed, she tends to skitter, and if I suddenly couldn't see well and I didn't know why, I think I'd be stressed. Even when she was sitting between my legs, she was panting. I would just pet her like I always do when we're just sitting somewhere, but man I felt like a horrible human being for putting her through that when her eyes were healthy.

They told me I couldn't work her for the day, and running outside would be a bad idea because she might not see things and run into them. When the poor thing got home, she was all out of sorts, walkking slowly..when she walked around at all. She did a lot of sleeping, the poor baby. when she did get up to go pee, etc. you could tell her eyes were messed up. she kept perceiving things as closer than they were, and when the elevator opened and she wasn't looking at it, she didn't notice! silly dog.

But as her eyes got better, she got happier. I noticed as the night wore on, she would run to me at random. I think if she could talk, she'd say "I can see again! I can see again!"

So that's that. I'm so glad that everything went well. I mean, her eyes seem pretty good, but it's nice to hear it officially.

Beautiful Dogs Need New Homes

I got an email from Corinna Bollmann, the lady who did that dog first-aid course I took, and she's trying to find homes for a few dogs in foster care. She sent me a flier. If you live in the area, give it a look. The flier will be here for a few days. If you're interested after that, just email me and I'll send you the file.

I hope these pooches can find new loving homes soon.

CNIB's New CEO

Remember back when I talked about the changes to CNIB that would allow a sighted person to manage the organization? Well, it looks like they've done it, and the new CEO is just that. I have to admire the dude, leaving a very lucrative job to manage CNIB. Um, that's pretty cool. I feel a bit sorry for him, since some blinks are still convinced this is a very bad thing. I kind of have to half-smile when I hear him say that he's going to have to work twice as hard as a blind person to convince us all that he's the right man for the job. Perhaps he has more incommon with us after all.

good luck to you, John Rafferty. I hope we blinks don't burn you out or drive you to drink. And Jim Sanders, happy retirement.

How's My Photography, Doug Hastings?

People always wonder what would happen if a blind person tried to take a picture. Well, you're about to find out, and it's probably not gonna be pretty. This is what happens when a drunk blink decides it would be cool to try and take pictures with her cellphone. If I'm lucky, there will be several pictures of Trixie sticking her nose out the bars of our balcony and one of Steve. If not, well...who knows what I
could have gotten. Maybe it'll just be pictures of my hands. Here goes. Prepare to laugh at me.













Oh dear dear. Something tells me I should never do this again.

Where Were This Little Kid's Parents?

This still bothers me a day later. Sometimes I wonder why I write these things up here. I mean, what's anybody gonna do?

Last night I headed out to get some milk. the place I was going was in a plaza with a bank and a few other stores on a busy street. It was about, hmmm, 7:30 or so at night. As I got close to the bank, a little boy, pretty sure it was a boy, came out in front of me and in a small voice said, "Do you want to support my charity?" this guy was wee. I mean, I could look down at him and I'm not that tall. I asked him what he was selling. He said chocolate bars. I asked him what charity it was. There was a lot of car noise and it had just rained pretty hard so it was hard to hear, but he said something like "Care for kids." I asked him what they did. He told me it was for kids from other countries whose families couldn't afford to get them medical treatment..."so we fly them to Toronto so they can get it done."

As we talked, I was getting freaked out. Usually when kids sell stuff, they are in pairs, and it's in the middle of the day. Plus, it had just rained, and I did not notice an umbrella over his head. This little guy was standing out in the rain in a plaza that isn't super dangerous, but stuff could go down, at night. I know it wasn't terribly late, but it was not super early either. I asked him if he was alone. "yup," he said. I said I wasn't sure if that was so safe for him. I also asked him if he had an umbrella. He said no. I said I just didn't like the idea that he was all by himself in the rain at night. He said, "Oh, people come by and check on me every so often." that gave me the creeps. Every so often isn't good enough.

I wish I'd been thinking faster. I wish I'd just stayed with him until somebody showed up. I went into the drugstore and told them what I saw. They didn't seem too concerned. when I came back out after buying milk, he was gone, or at least I'm pretty sure he was. I figured he wouldn't hit me up again, but I thought if he was there, Trixie would have gone around him since he had himself parked all close to the entrance to the bank, or she might have had a silly moment and tried to go to him. She did neither. We trailed the bank wall pretty closely. If he was still there, I might have just stayed with him a wee bit longer until someone showed up.

I don't know what to think. I hope there was nothing cynister going on. Most of all I hope he's ok.

This stuff always bothers me ever since I read about the Kitty Genovese case, and the bystander effect, in psych class way, way, way back. After reading that, I swore I wouldn't be one of those dumb bystanders who did nothing when something weird was going on. I swore I'd rather overreact over nothing and look like asmall fool than witness something that needed attention and do nothing. And yesterday I essentially did nothing. Well, at least I've written down what happened. If I ever need it, I know where to find it.

I Bet He'll Be Going Stagg For A While After This One

Not sure about you folks, but when I find myself in an argument,the thought that I could solve everything by opening a can of chili and dumping it on the other personisn't one I've ever had. Then again, that could simply be because I'm not Edd M. Johnson of Stuart, florida.

I'll say this much in his defence. His girlfriend doesn't sound like she's that much of a prize herself. Getting so worked up over where the guy watches TV that you feel the need to hack the cord in half with scissors? Might be time to chill...er...chili out.

My favourite part of the story though is this:

Johnson reportedly expressed displeasure at going to jail, saying, “I shoulda whopped her (buttocks)!” the report states.

When Committing A Robbery, Watch Your Step

Ow, oo, ee. Jason Durant probably won't be robbing banks for a long, long time. Although this isn't the full story, this is the most vivid description of his, um, fate, that I can find.

He robbed the bank, and started to make his way to his getaway vehicle when...

• he fell down a steep embankment
• snapping his leg in several places,
• and dropping his gun and all of his stolen loot but $2,
• finally slamming into a plow-blade.

Hahahahahahahahahah! I'm sure the bank employees had a good chuckle. The police sent out dogs and combed the area, but they didn't have to. all they had to do was notify local hospitals, which they did. He showed up for treatment and the police were notified. Then all they had to do was sit and wait for him to be well enough to cart off to jail.

If that wasn't a loud message that Jason Durant does not a robber make, I don't know what is.

He Thinks He Owns Them, But When This Is Over, They Will Own Him

I wonder if Shreepriya Gopalan is going to be the new Jonathan Lee riches. I think the only thing keeping him from being that is the lack of funds, since he wants this case to go forward even though he has no money.