I Went To A Ball Game And Did Some Other Stuff

Before I say another word, I seriously just watched John Cena beat Brock Lesnar at Extreme Rules. No really, that happened. Don't ask me *why* it happened, but it happened. I guess I have to allow for the idea that this might be going somewhere and is part of a larger story, but this is 2012 WWE, so I might as well get my Jesus motherfuck on a slice of toast that was dumb out of the way now so there's no need for it later when they screw this up even more and I'm really pissed off.

So...how's everybody doin'? Other than that, I'm pretty ok.

The new site is coming along nicely. All the posts are now written by the right person, which is one huge job out of the way. the next part of Operation New Comet is to upload all the audio and video downloads to the new server so you can actually download them. Yes, that means all the VC Casts, the singing screenreaders and everything else will work again, and probably a lot faster than before.

I took a break from all the site business and had myself a fun weekend. I spent a good bit of it with our old friend Greg, who some of you would remember a lot better had Echo not hosed us so bad on that comment deal. Side note: Check out where that link goes. Remember, we're not finished yet. If it looks a bit like crap, cut us some slack. I'm just getting myself used to linking to the right site.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, weekend with Greg.

We spent Saturday afternoon down at the Dome (it'll never be the friggin Rogers Centre to me) watching the Jays take on the Mariners. These are always fun, especially because Greg is as much a Mariners fan as I am a Jays fan. Old brain injury, I think.

I was a bit worried about the trip because of Friday's debacle, but the Jays came through big time, sparing me an evening of listening to more laughter from a fan of a team much more terrible than my own.

It was a memorable game for a couple of reasons. It was my first ever live shutout (Jays 7, Mariners 0), plus I got to see my first ever major league grand slam!



Thanks, Edwin! I know you and I haven't always been on the best of terms, but that's all because your managers have had this weird thing about making you field. Your hitting I've never doubted. In fact I'm one of those people who wanted you to be a DH forever ago. It's that sketchy aiming and throwing stuff that gets me all riled up and angry about you. Now that you're where you belong and can focus on what you're really good at, you and I are just fine. I'll go so far as to say that this year, I look forward to your at bats even more than Lawrie's and Bautista's. You're the man, artist formerly known as E5!

There was also, like there is at most games, that guy from the visiting team who gets mercilessly heckled. In my section, it was Chone Figgins. It was pretty standard stuff for the most part, just people slowly yelling his name at him. Expecting much more from the people in our area would have been asking too much. I'm not sure how a few of them walked and breathed at the same time long enough to find seats, to be honest. But the best was when a little girl (at least we think it was a girl) who couldn't have been any more than about 4 looked over at the person next to her and asked "what's that guy's name?" She got her answer and the next thing you know, that cute little voice takes a deep breath and let's out the loudest "FIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" YOU'VE EVER HEARD, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. She was much more amusing than that stupid woman behind and to one side of me who kept calling him Shawn Desman, chanting "we love BJs" and laughing at herself all afternoon. I hope something mildly unpleasant happened to her later, something like being forced to struggle with the plot of a Dick and Jane book.

and because I usually can't let an outing like this go bye without commenting, wholly crapshite the price of beer at these places! I go in knowing it's not going to be pretty, but $9.75 for a woman to reach into a cooler, pull out a tall boy, open it and hand it to me? Yes, I said one tall boy! Not two! One! They were $9.75...each! Legalized robbery is what that is. It was extra off pissing because we'd both just finished buying 12 of the fucking things at the LCBO for $30 before we left for the game. If the aim is to get people not to drink so much, forget it. the problem ones usually have more money than they know what to do with or are smart enough to drink beforehand, smuggle the shit in or both. You're just screwing guys like me who want to have one or two while we enjoy the afternoon.

Speaking of drinks, I finally tried one of those Tim Hortons smoothies. They're ok. I'd probably get one again. but I have to ask. Why is adding yogurt extra? Yogurt, at least on planet earth where I come from, is kind of what smoothies are made of. Yogurt, fruit and juice. You cant' have a smoothie without yogurt, it's just not possible. At all. Ever. Cannot be done. What is Tim Hortons putting in these things to make people think that going yogurtless is an option, and how can they still call whatever it is a smoothie without running afoul of some sort of regulation?

Oh, and speaking of running afoul of regulations, I learned something useless yet amazing from Greg when we were back home enjoying our reasonably priced beer.

Poker Face, the song that everybody but Lady Gaga can make sound good, is not as it seems.



Pick a chorus and listen to it. When she's doing the thing about pa pa pa poker faces, tell me you don't hear "fuh fuh fuh fuck her face" at least once. I never noticed this before due to my tendency not to pay attention to crap, but poor Greg spends a lot of time with a Gaga loving child so isn't so fortunate. I went in with an open mind just like I do when one of those Islam is the light type things comes along, but unlike most of those I heard "fuck her face" without a doubt. It's not just our imagination either. Carin heard it, and a little Googling turned up this guy. How is everybody so clueless to this, or are they just choosing to ignore it and see what they can get away with?

That's about all for now. I'm hungry and it's supper time. I may even have a beer afterwards. And no Rogers, I won't be paying $9.75 for it, you arsecaps!

A New O Canada. Why?

Messing around with a national anthem is one of those things in music that's better left alone by most. for better or worse it sounds how it sounds, and that's just the way it is. Spicing things up tends not to end well, and I'm sorry to say that seems to be what happened to Daylight For Deadeyes here.

I appreciate where they're coming from even if I don't agree. I don't remember ever being bored by O Canada, but if you were, fine. And we live in a free country, so go ahead and take a crack at making it a bit better. But that free country thing, it kind of cuts both ways. So I hope you understand that even after a few listens, I still prefer Oh Canada as it was.

Your version isn't completely horrible. I've watched far too many sporting events for it to be the worst thing I've ever heard. I'll even grant you that what you've done "embodies the band's rock feel but still stays true to the original" as the article says, I guess. But I can't shake the feeling that this rendition would be the perfect one if the aim wasn't so much to honour our nation as to sell cars or cheap beer. Come on, tell me you can't see Molson slapping hockey highlights and pictures of lakes and mountains over top of this thing. It just sounds so...so...gimmicky.

Maybe it's just me, so I'll put it to the rest of you. Should O Canada really sound like this from now on?

Big Changes Are Coming!

After thinking and talking about it for what seems like forever, it's finally happening. The Comet is on the move! Money has changed hands and a site has been created. Now comes the fun part, and by fun part I mean craptastic series of doom-filled events.

Some of them, like reuploading everything downloadable to a server that actually works and changing the way our new template looks, I was expecting. It'll be tedious, but necessary and worth it when it's done. What I didn't bargain for was the post importer deciding that I had written every single post ever to have been published here. That's about 6500 of them, in case you were curious. So because that happened, we now have the ever so lovely task of going through each one manually and assigning the proper author to it. And since our staff consists of me and Carin when she's in the correct town and has a few minutes, this could take a while unless somebody knows of a way to automate the process.

If you don't see loads of new posts here in the next little while, you know why. We're not slacking off, we're just trying to settle into our new home.

Speaking of our new home, you can find it at www.VomitComet.org. Yes, all of this stupidity is an org. Until the new place is ready for prime time, anything that does get posted we'll put both here and there so the change isn't too sudden and just in case we break something along the way. There's a very good chance of that happening with me involved, I should point out.

We'd like to send a big thank you out to Shane for all of his help. If you're in the market for hosting, talk to him. He's been hosting the Guelph Barrier Free site for a little over a year, and that thing runs like a top. And in the rare event it doesn't, him and the rest of the team are right on it, often at completely ridiculous hours. They know their stuff, and I hope they're prepared for the stupidquestionsfromstevealanch that is almost certainly heading right for them.

And now, I'm off to post this in a couple of places and perhaps have a good cry while thinking about what lies ahead. Wish me luck or laugh your head off at me, whatever suits your fancy.

Help Save The Guelph Public Library's Free Internet Access

Earlier in the week I posted about the unfortunate situation that the Guelph Public Library finds itself in thanks to our fantastic Harper government. Well, it didn't take long for people to take up the cause and start working to ensure that when the funding ends, the free internet access doesn't.

City councillor Cam Guthrie has started a pledge drive on Twitter to help raise the $6800 required to keep the service up and running in its current form.

Within 24 hours, Guthrie said, he had collected more than $2,400 in pledges.

"People have been retweeting it like crazy,” the councillor said. “I’m getting contacted by people I don’t even know saying they want to help out."

If you're interested in giving something no matter how big or small, send a tweet to @CamGuthrie and let him know. Every little bit helps.

It totally sucks that the public should have to step up and cover for our government's failings, but it seems that's where we are if we want this valuable service to continue. Give if you can, and whether you can or you can't, be sure to spread the word.

If You Ever Plan On Flying Again, You May Want To Skip This One

Um...uh...er...Wholly freakin crap! What text message could possibly be more important than safely landing a 220 seat airbus, Mr. Pilot?

The problems aboard JQ57 began when the co-pilot, the first officer, switched off the autopilot on the 220-seat Airbus A320 to make preparations to land.

Somewhere between 2500 feet and 2000 feet, the captain's mobile phone started beeping with incoming text messages, and the captain twice did not respond to the co-pilot's requests.

The co-pilot looked over and saw the captain "preoccupied with his mobile phone", investigators said. The captain told investigators he was trying to unlock the phone to turn it off, after having forgotten to do so before take-off.

At 1000 feet, the co-pilot scanned the instruments and felt "something was not quite right" but could not spot what it was.

At this stage the captain still did not realise the landing gear had not been lowered, and neither pilot went through their landing checklist.

At 720 feet, a cockpit alert flashed and sounded to warn that the wheels still hadn't been lowered.

At 650 feet, the captain moved the undercarriage lever "instinctively" but then a "too low" ground-warning alarm sounded as the plane sunk through 500 feet, indicating the landing gear was not fully extended and locked.

The co-pilot was confused by the captain's action in lowering the wheels, as he was getting ready to do quite the opposite  to abort the landing and re-ascend to the skies, investigators said.

Neither spoke to each other about their intentions.

At 392 feet, the crew aborted the landing and powered up the thrust.

At this time the pilots had lost track of their altitude, thinking they were much higher, at about 800 feet.

A further piloting error occurred, with the wrong flap setting during the ascent.

When the mistakes were recreated in a simulator, investigators determined there were two minutes of descent, from 2800 feet to 1000 feet, where the pilots failed to take any necessary actions, including putting the wheels down.

Thankfully things turned out ok and nobody was killed. But really, who does that? And why am I not seeing anything about a firing in here?

Get some help, man. You clearly have a text addiction problem.

You Stupid, Stupid Kids!

Ug. Just...seriously. Say these kids are young all you want, but that's no excuse. Us smart ones had this train shit nailed down at the exact moment mom and dad taught us about looking both ways for cars. The thought process went a little something like this: Oh damn, those things move fast. Ok, I'll be sure not to fuck with them.

The video was taken on a stretch of CN rail line near 16th Avenue Public School in Richmond Hill, north of Toronto.

The CBC viewer captured two pieces of video, taken moments apart. They show two children, who appear to be no older than 12, playing a dangerous game with passing CN freight trains.

In the first video, one youngster "plays chicken" with an approaching train, stepping off the tracks seconds before it passes at high speed.

In the second piece of video, two children — including one from the first video — touch a slow-moving train as it passes in the opposite direction on an adjacent track.

If you click the link not only can you see the videos, but you can read all sorts of other mind boggling stupidity about how yes this shortcut is unsafe but I save 15 minutes by using it and yeah, let's keep hacking open the fence the train people keep fixing. surely there's no reason why they don't want us there.

If it weren't for the knowledge that some poor sap will have to clean your guts off the tracks and that it would slow down the days of innocent people when the trains have to stop, I'd wish death upon you all.

Retards.

A Musical Reminder To Carin As She Gets Ready To Take Trixie For Her Physical

This will only make complete sense to two people, and we both live here. The rest of you can feel free to enjoy the music, though.

A Bunch Of News Bloopers, Just Because

These are always fun and it's been a little while since I've seen one, so here's a random tv news blooper reel.



If this 2 and a half minutes teaches us anything, it's that man, newspeople sure think about sex a lot.

Happy Birthday To Canada's Polka King

Since I posted last, I've been trying to think of a reason to embed a YouTube video to make sure that Blogger and the steaming inaccessible pile it calls a streamlined interface didn't break that along with everything else to which it has laid waste. Thankfully I didn't have to think too hard, since this new system is well on its way to breaking my brain.

Today is Walter Ostanek's birthday! Canada's Polka King has turned 77, so what better way to celebrate than with his own happy birthday song?



Let's see if this works and if I've fixed my line spacing problem.

Happy birthday, your majesty!

Wow, What Broke

"Introducing the completely new, streamlined blogging experience that makes it easier for you to find what you need and focus on writing great blog posts." Everybody's a comedian, eh Google? I've been trying for nearly 9 years to write a line that funny and you guys just crank it out like it's nothing. Way to make a longtime user feel inadequate. Speaking of inadequate, did anybody test this new interface for screenreader accessibility? If so, which cereal box did this person's qualifications come from, and when is he going to be allowed to use an actual screenreader? Carin already took this thing apart, so I won't go over it all again. I'm mainly just mentioning it again because it needs it, plus I wanted to see if I could link back to that by hand or if you guys went and fucked that up again like you did years ago. With this test out of the way, next up is making sure I can still embed videos and figuring out how to add pictures. Oh, and probably talking to some hosts about getting ourselves hooked up with Wordpress and lots of server space so we can do audio again.

So, About That New Interface...

Well...that was not the most pleasant experience.

So I got the old interface back for now. That was about six different kinds of blech. I also sent Blogger some not so nice feedback about their utter disregard for accessibility and how they may be forcing me to kick them to the curb.

So...here's the scoop on the new Blogger interface and why it blows chunks.

1. Heaps, piles and tons of unlabeled buttons.
2. Sometimes, pressing enter isn't good enough. You have to simulate a mouse click, spin around, bark like a dog, and whistle Dixie to get some of the buttons to show up.
3. By consequence, good luck changing any settings. You can post, just barely, but if you ever wanted to modify settings again, you can just forget it.
4. and honestly, what's up with all the seemingly empty trees? Maybe that was an attempt at ARIA, and if so, you fail.

And that's about all I managed to discern before deciding that I wanted to heave the new interface off the nearest high thing.

Luckily, I could do just that, but for who knows how long. And even that wasn't easy. I will try to explain what I did, although I'm not even sure.

I think I hit the more options button down by go to posts list. That brought up a listbox, and in it was old Blogger interface. Somehow, by some magic I don't quite understand, I activated it, and hello old interface.

So I hope this isn't just a reprieve and I won't be screwed at the end of the month. If it is, there's no way in hell I'm staying with Blogger. That new interface is a nightmare, they were warned, and they chose to ignore us. That attitude is not one I'll put up with. It's kind of too bad that it's a free service because I'd like the satisfaction of never paying them another cent. I'd like to be able to say that if they have no regard for accessibility then they don't get my money...but I don't pay them. So I feel like I don't have as much power as I'd like.

It's too bad, because for the most part I liked the Blogger interface. Our blog even went through a few versions of it. But now they've gone and epically broken it.

If we do have to switch over to another platform, at least it's written somewhere why we had to leave.

This Is New Blogger...lookin' pretty sucky

Hmmm...Is this the post body? I guess we'll find out when I post. Sorry for the boring test, I just have heard that this interface is completely inaccessible for folks with screen readers. It looks pretty yucktastic, but maybe I can make it sing and dance. Hopefully this isn't the last post you ever see from this blog...if it posts at all.

A Few Fun Practical Jokes

If you're looking for new and fun ways to mess with somebody and need some ideas, perhaps some of these may be to your liking.



I've used the sneeze one before, it's almost always fun.

Does The K-E Stand For Killing Everyone?

I'll admit it. I could stand to lose a few pounds. A few more than a few, to be completely honest. But if this is what I'd have to resort to to do it, I'll happily remain my jolly, slightly doughy self.

Brides-to-be looking to shed that final 10, 15 or 20 pounds in order to fit into their dream wedding gown have taken a controversial approach to crash dieting that involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses for up to 10 days for a quick fix to rapid weight loss.

The K-E diet, which boasts promises of shedding 20 pounds in 10 days, is an increasingly popular alternative to ordinary calorie-counting programs. The program has dieters inserting a feeding tube into their nose that runs to the stomach. They're fed a constant slow drip of protein and fat, mixed with water, which contains zero carbohydrates and totals 800 calories a day. Body fat is burned off through a process called ketosis, which leaves muscle intact, Dr. Oliver Di Pietro of Bay Harbor Islands, Fla., said.

Nope, doesn't sound unsafe at all. Not even the part where you're not hungry and don't eat for 10 days while you're traipsing around with your drip bag. Sure there are the small matters of feeling so lethargic that you can't go for a 30 minute walk, constipation due to lack of fibre and the warning that you shouldn't do this if you have kidney problems, but who cares as long as you look nice, right?

This sounds like a 1000 Ways To Die segment just waiting to happen. They wouldn't even have to write an annoying person backstory because we already have one. Seriously, just listen to this woman.

"I don't have all of the time on the planet just to focus an hour and a half a day to exercise so I came to the doctor, I saw the diet, and I said, 'You know what? Why not? Let me try it. So I decided to go ahead and give it a shot," she said.

Schnaider said she was never hungry throughout the 10 days she was on the K-E diet, but admits that it still wasn't easy.

"It was emotionally difficult, the 10 days of not eating," Schnaider said. "And sometimes I had to give excuses to people who were asking are you sick? And I was like, 'No, I'm not sick, I'm not dying, I'm fine.'

"I was tired. I didn't feel like exercising. The doctor told me that if you can compliment with walking for a half an hour on the beach, that would be great, but I didn't feel like doing that. I'm a very energetic person, but those days I was a little tired."

I don't know who I want to stab in the eye more after reading that, me or her.

Actually wait, it's definitely her. Her and anybody else willing to part with $1,500 for this. Those walks you're too drained for and not eating like shitcrap are much cheaper alternatives. And unless you get hit by a car or choke on something, they won't kill you, either.

Goodbye, Dick Clark

I guess Dick Clark really does age after all.

According to all sorts of reports, he suffered a massive heart attack this morning and died at the age of 82.

Dick Clark was another one of those broadcasters that you don't see much of anymore. The type who could host pretty well anything and seem to fit right in and feel right at home.

My first childhood memories of him are the guy who cohosted Bloopers and Practical Jokes with Ed McMahon and The $100000 Pyramid. It wasn't until a bit later that I learned about things like American Bandstand and all of his other contributions to music. I never got attached to the New Year's Rockin' Eve the way a lot of people did because we didn't have cable until I was well into my teens and we couldn't always pull in ABC to watch it, but I did tune in for the countdown and ball drop a few times and was sad to see him have to give up that gig after his stroke in 2004.

I wonder if our copy of Dick Clark's Rock 'N' Roll Christmas still lives at my mom's house. If it does, I'm going to make sure we listen to it when we have our party this year. That was the first place I ever heard King Curtis' version of The Christmas Song, which for my money is the best one around.

Exposing me to King Curtis and making me want to learn more about him is the kind of thing Dick Clark spent his life doing, and the kind of thing musicians and fans everywhere owe him a debt of gratitude for. He's one of the last of a dying breed and he'll certainly be missed. there'll never be another like him, without a doubt.

Here he is being interviewed about his career a few years ago. Video runs 25:42.

Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza: The Kind Of Thing Hell Is Made Out Of

I heard about this last week and have been trying to keep myself from machine gunning harf pellets out my mouth and nose ever since.

Pizza Hut is unleashing a horrid sounding concoction on the people of the United Kingdom. People who, aside from being responsible for some astoundingly head slappingly ridoncubonk health and safety regulations, have to my knowledge done nothing to deserve it. Speaking of those crazy health and safety folks, where are they now when the citizenry could truly use them to prevent the disaster that is the new Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza?


"Succulent hot dog sausage bursting from our famous stuffed crust, with a FREE Mustard Drizzle" is how Pizza Hut is choosing to spin this culinary atrocity into sounding remotely food-like. They had me at Suck, but they lost me with this ulent business.

There are no plans currently to sell this in North America, which is honestly a surprise considering the kinds of things we'll put in our bodies for a price. But if you are in the UK and want to give it a go, A: it's been lovely knowing you and B: it only seems to come in one size, 14 inches. I'm sure some of you have dreamed of having a 14-inch hot dog in your mouth, but this certainly won't be like you imagined it.

Ok, I need to go now. I can feel the machine gun starting to reload.

Guitar Pee

A lot of the world's most famous and best loved music was made by drunk people, but I'm not sure the creations that will result from Guitar Pee will quite stack up to the timeless music of generations.

Guitar Pee is exactly what you think it sounds like. It's an interactive urinal that allows you to aim your stream at pretend guitar strings and make music...or at least something that could be technically defined as such. And to add to the fun, your masterworks will be automatically uploaded to the Guitar Pee website for all to hear. I'd say to enjoy, but let's not get carried away here.

So far there's no word on a girl version, but girls don't seem to enjoy pissing on stuff as much as we do so maybe there wouldn't be a market for it.

Who's More Crooked: The Bank, Or The Government That Allows The Bank To Exist

There's an old joke that asks how you know when a politician is lying. The answer, as you may have heard, is when his lips are moving.

Yes there are honest and well-intentioned people in politics, I know that. There have to be. This many people throughout so much history can't be this dishonest and corrupt. But these good people can only do so much when a system designed the way America's and increasingly the world's is is allowed to keep rolling along unchecked, unchanged and unquestioned. I don't know where things all went wrong, but at some point the bad people won. the same happened in business. And when you put politics and business together, you get this.

If you can read the story of Bank of America and not be horrified and angry, you have your hand in the pot. On this point there can be no room for argument. You either create and endorse this fraud and pocket much of the rewards, or you're a bought and paid for government accomplice. There's no other way to explain how this is allowed to continue, especially on the dime of the customer and the taxpayer who, it should be pointed out, are mostly the same people. This level of blatant lawbreaking would be enough to put just about anybody in jail until the human race ends and then some. But somehow it's earned Bank of America billions upon billions of dollars worth of everybody else's money, all with the support of government. Yes, the same government that keeps screaming fake outrage about what they're enabling.

This article is a long read, but it's worth it in spite of its unpleasantness. I'm not even American and this worries the hell out of me. Nothing says it can't happen here, and as I've said before, as goes America, so goes the rest of us. Do I know how to fix it? No. But somebody had better figure it out or we're all doomed.

Levon Helm's Last Waltz

Well, so much for posting that Levon Helm video to break up the sadness yesterday. Talk about timing. Around the same time I was putting that up, this was happening.

"Levon is in the final stages of his battle with cancer," says the note. "Please send your prayers and love to him as he makes his way through this part of his journey. Thank you fans and music lovers who have made his life so filled with joy and celebration...he has loved nothing more than to play, to fill the room up with music, lay down the back beat, and make the people dance! He did it every time he took the stage."

He sure did.

It's tragic whenever cancer takes somebody, but especially so when it seems the person has recovered and gotten on with life the way Levon did. It took a while, but he got his voice back and kept on going, sounding as good as ever. Here he is just a couple of years ago, crushing it like he always did. This became one of my favourite songs for a while, constantly getting stuck in my head.



It would take ages to write about all of Levon Helm's contributions to music and folks more qualified than I are already on it, so I'll just join the chorus of those saying thank you. Cancer can take a person, but it can't take the music.

A Post To Break Up The Sadness And Kinda Sorta Wish A Friend Good Luck

I disappeared for a few days and then came back with two posts full of sadness. Sadness is part of life, but we can't be sad all the time. So to lighten the mood, here's a video of Levon Helm being awesome.



I would also like to take a moment to wish Ro and her beloved Tampa Bay Rays good luck in their series with my Blue Jays. They're going to need it. Don't forget what happened to the Red Sox when they had the nerve to beat us once, or the Orioles when they dared do it twice.

Free Internet Access At Libraries: Just Another Thing The Conservatives Don't Think We Need

Wow. Score another one for the fabulous federal government we've been saddled with.

I don't use the internet access at the library because I don't need it, but I've always been glad to know I can if ever I do. But the Harper Government, in its whatever the opposite of infinite wisdom is, has decided that in an age where more and more things are moving online exclusively, it would be a glorious time to not renew the program that makes the free internet service possible.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Federal Cutbacks Jeopardize Free Internet Access at the Guelph Public Library

Guelph, ON – The Guelph Public Library has 34 public Internet computers available system wide for customers to use for up to an hour per day. This heavily used service generated over 100,000 sessions in 2011. Every day over 300 Guelph residents enter one of the 6 Guelph Public libraries and use one of these computers. The Government of Canada’s Community Access Program (CAP) has provided funding for this service since 1995. The non-renewal of the CAP program translates into $6,800 of extra funding the library will have to seek elsewhere to continue offering this service at every branch. 

Libraries promote the ease of and access to information for everyone. The digital information highway is another means by which the GPL assists its community. In a knowledge-based world and ever-changing economy, everyone can stay informed via social media, emails, online forums, government sites, and news outlets regardless of socio-economical status. Career and tax services are among the top Internet requests at the GPL. Library customers search for job postings, email resumes, and print online government forms – which are increasingly available only online.  

GPL CEO Kitty Pope shares her disappointment. “The Guelph Public Library is dismayed by the cancellation of this program and angered by Industry Canada’s assessment that the CAP program has “outlived its usefulness.”  People use them to apply for jobs, complete their tax forms and find information. The GPL does not have the $6,800 in its budget to support this program. If this program is essential to our customers, then it should continue to be supported by Industry Canada.”
 
For more information, contact:

Kitty Pope, Guelph Public Library CEO

kpope@library.guelph.on.ca

519.824.6220 x226

Goodbye, Gord Paynter

One of the last things I heard as I fell asleep to the sound of Carin looking at Twitter last night was that Gord Paynter, the only professional blind comedian I know of, suffered a stroke and died Monday. He was just 57.

It was sad news not just because 57 is a pretty young age to go or because Gord was really funny, but also for me personally since I had the chance to meet him once or twice many years ago and he was a very nice guy.

The thing I remember most about him was that unlike some famous people you meet, he seemed very willing to take some time and actually talk to you without it seeming like a chore. It was him who put into words for me what good comedians will do to get the most out of a joke, and explained the value of finding smart people in every place you play so you can tweak your material to get a few surprise laughs out of locals who don't expect you to know anything about them and their town. I wish I'd gotten the chance to talk to him more recently. The teenaged kid I was back then understood what he was saying, but you learn a lot between your teens and your 30's (at least that's the rumour), and it would have been nice to pick his brain having had more experience at life and amusing people.

Had I gotten the chance to talk to him again, I certainly would have thanked him for making my life easier a few times. I've met more than one person who learned through him that blind people were in fact regular people, just like them. We're not something to be scared of or treated overly differently in most situations. We can laugh at ourselves and by extension, it's ok for you to laugh at us. Leaving that impression with people is as important a legacy as all the laughs, maybe even more.



YouTube link.



YouTube link.

So, What Are You In For? Pretty Much Everything

I have no idea how I'm going to tag this thing, but I still must share the impressive tale of the crime spree of William Todd.

Nobody knows why he decided to hop on a Greyhound bus to Nashville, but he sure made a day of it. In about 9 hours, Todd is believed to have committed more than 10 felonies.

He started by breaking into a business called the Slaughterhouse. He helped himself to a Taser, a revolver, a shotgun and a T-shirt before shooting the place up and burning it to the ground.

He then happened to run into 4 people on their way out of a bar. He held them at gunpoint, tased one, pistol whipped another and stole their money and credit cards.

All this work would surely make a man hungry, so Todd carjacked a taxi at gunpoint and headed off to buy some food with his new plastic.

All filled up and ready to go again, Todd's next stop was a Walmart where he spent $199 of somebody else's money.

At 6 a.m., he made his way to the Hotel Indigo. While there, he decided to swerve off the simple robbery path and pay tribute to some of the stranger folks who have found their way onto these pages over the years. He broke into a law office, ransacked it, then took a dump on a desk and spread some of it on a few framed law degrees.

With that load off his mind, it was time to make some more money.

Todd knocked on several hotel room doors. He pretended to be a female member of the housekeeping staff to gain entry, but would then rob the occupants at gunpoint. During at least one of these heists, he is said to have cried the entire time.

Now when you've caused as much trouble as Todd had up to this point, it's logical to think that perhaps the cops are on your trail. So...time for a disguise. Shaving his head fit the bill, so that's what he did before heading out on another adventure in his stolen cab.

That adventure, it turns out, was crashing the vehicle into a parking garage.

Uh-oh, now how's he supposed to get around?

After an hour and a half of pondering this predicament, he decided to hail a new cab and head for Opryland. Once there, he held the driver at knifepoint because hey, why not?

And it's at this point that things came to an end.

Police finally caught up with Todd, who was hiding out on top of Opryland. But he wasn't just hanging out on the roof, o no. He had taken shelter in a water-cooling vat, submerged up to his nose.

He's been charged with 11 felonies, and that could just be the beginning of his trouble. According to police, he's also wanted by the State of Kentucky, but presumably not for anything this out there.

If there's ever been a case like this before, I don't think I've seen it. Talk about making the most out of your life of crime.

Goin' To The Chapel And We're...Gonna Pretend I'm Dying Of Acute Leukemia

The I'm going to fake having cancer in order to take advantage of humanity's kindness for personal gain train shows no signs of slowing down.

Meet 25-year-old Jessica Vega.

A couple of years ago, she was set to marry Michael O'Connell. But this was no ordinary wedding. It was special because Vega was tragically suffering from acute leukemia and really wanted to get the ceremony in before she died...or so she said. She ended up with thousands of dollars in generously donated money and services, and even took a honeymoon in Aruba.

A few months later however, the plan started to unravel.

Whether O'Connell just doesn't appreciate free wedding gifts, wanted to get even with Vega for something or simply decided to do the right thing is unclear, but 4 months later, he went to a local newspaper and accused her of faking the whole terminal illness deal.

Then it really gets fun.

After a divorce, he moved to Virginia, but the pair later reunited and now have a second child.

"She's a good mom, and that's all that counts at the end of the day," O'Connell tells the newspaper. "I want my kids to have their mother back."

He says Vega, who was arrested last week and pleaded not guilty, should repay donors and apologize, but that mental health treatment is a better option than jail.

Being a good mom is all that counts at the end of the day? I realize this guy just wants his family back, but let us please get serious here. Maybe she's a good mom, maybe she's not. If she needs mental health treatment and had no problem fleecing the townsfolk out of a fortune in cash and prizes I tend to have my doubts, but perhaps he would know better. And yeah, some therapy does sound like a good idea, but she's not the only one who needs it if this please don't send her to jail thing is being said with a straight face. What she needs is both. Whether they happen at the same time doesn't really matter. She's not insane, so she can serve a sentence and then get whatever help is required. What would be insane is not sending her to jail as you would anybody else. She did commit a crime, and at the end of the day, that also counts.

The Appropriate Name Of The Year Award Winner Is Already In The Bag

So I'm sitting here writhing in sympathy pain for the poor bastard who didn't know what he was getting into when he decided to end his 8 month fling with Christina Reber when suddenly, through the tears, there comes a glimmer of positivity and the hint of a smile. Well, sort of. There's not much to laugh about when somebody tries to tear off your scrotum and even the hospital sign is taunting you.

The man said Reber screamed at him to “call the fucking police” before launching her assault.

Reber, the victim told cops, first struck him repeatedly in the head before latching onto his scrotum and “squeezing as hard as she could.” The man, interviewed by police at a hospital emergency room, said that he “was in incredible pain when Reber grabbed his scrotum and began digging in her fingers.”

The victim recalled that Reber “refused to let go of his scrotum,” but that he was “finally able to pry his scrotum from Reber’s hand” after they fell to the ground during the scuffle. The man then called an ambulance, which transported him to Ball Memorial Hospital.

Was that really the closest hospital, or does the ambulance service have a comedian in its midst? Something to ponder as we all take a moment to stop the watering eyes and convince the fellas that it's ok to come back down, nobody's going to hurt them.

Peanut Butter Sandwich Made With...Vodka?

I hate it when words fail me like this, but when you read my next sentence I think you'll understand.

PB & J Vodka.

Yes, that means exactly what you think it does. All the yumminess of a peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwich, now in vodka form because...because...I don't know why, to be perfectly honest.

I'm not going to come right out and give this a resounding yarf like you were probably expecting and are likely doing right now. There are about a million flavoured vodkas in the world and a few of them are even pretty good, so maybe this will work. I have some reservations, but it's not totally impossible.

Some Handy Plugins To Increase The Functionality Of NVDA

If you're a screenreader user running Windows and you don't know what NVDA is, you really should learn all about it. This goes double if you're stuck running an older version of JAWS, need to do something that requires technology newer than what you have and you don't want to pay a gazillion freakin dollars for the upgrade right now, thank you very much. NVDA is completely free (they'll happily take your donations if you've got a few dollars to spend) and considering the resources they have to work with compared to the bigger players, very powerful. It's come to my rescue in several pinches and is worth your time to get to know.

And now to make it even better, people have started writing plugins to add even more functionality to it. I'm sure there are more floating around than the ones listed here, but this is the first time I've seen any sort of compilation.

I haven't tried any of these for myself yet, but some of them definitely look rather interesting. OCR, for example. There could be a whole lot of potential there.

If you've tried any of them out I'd love to hear your thoughts, and if you know of any other good plugin lists feel free to pass them along as well.

Little Boxes

This is pretty neat.

Walk Off the Earth, the band who did the Somebody That I Used To Know cover where they all played the same guitar, has done a version of Little Boxes played on instruments made out of, wait for it, little boxes. It's a neat gimmick, and not a bad cover either.

How To Be Bad At Criminaling

This is exactly why you're supposed to study *before* the test and not *during* it!

An unidentified Milwaukee bank robber's day started out well. He got into the bank, got some cash and started to make his escape. Things went downhill dramatically when he ran into the path of a couple of police officers, but he wasn't about to let that stop him, at least not until they caught up to him a few blocks away.

While searching him, the cops discovered he was carrying a book that he had either not finished reading or failed to understand. "How To Be A Successful Criminal: The real deal on crime, drugs and easy money".

For his sake, I hope he stole it.

Maybe he should go back to whatever store sold him that tome and see if they have any copies of "How To Dig My Dumb Ass Out of the Impossible Hole Your Last Book Buried Me In" lying around.

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go Where Good Looking Chicks Are Going To Be

Hey ladies. Before you get too comfortable in that office chair this afternoon, you might want to check it for things that shouldn't be there. Things likethe IT guy's urine, for instance.

A Farm Bureau official told investigators that Foley had access to the Farm Bureau’s employee database, which contains photographs of workers. He would browse the database and “pick out attractive females and then on off hours, he would come into work, go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs.”

After employees began noticing the appearance of mysterious chair stains late last year, Farm Bureau officials decided to try and trap the seat soiler.

A video camera installed in February subsequently recorded Foley urinating on the chairs of at least four female coworkers, according to the police report. “There is possibly 2 to 3 other chairs urinated on that were out of view of the cameras,” according to cops.

Foley is Raymond Foley, a 59-year-old now former employee of the Iowa Farm Bureau and current criminal mischief charge facer. His pee spree caused about $4500 worth of damage and will likely result in the replacement of 10 destroyed chairs.

So...why did he do it? I'm sure a few of us have a pretty good idea, but all we can officially do right now is guess. When questioned by investigators, All Foley said is that "I was doing inappropriate things I shouldn’t be doing." You don't say, Ray.

By the way, is it wrong that I wonder if there's anybody in the Farm Bureau office who might have gotten even the slightest bit offended by not being chosen as a target? Some people are pretty weird about stuff like that, especially when the word attractive starts getting thrown around.

Pennies To Heaven

I've spent a good bit of space here telling you all why Canada's Stephen Harper Conservative government sucks a juicy fat one, so I won't bother rehashing. You can do a search here if you can't figure it out for yourself. But since I pride myself on being a fair man, I must give the government credit where it's due.

As usual, I'm behind on things so haven't had time to really digest what's in last week's federal budget. I know they cut funding to the CBC which upsets me for a number of reasons, but they did at least get one thing right. At long last, the penny is finally going away!

The Canadian government announced on Thursday that it plans to pull the penny from circulation at the end of 2012, saying the copper-coated currency is more expensive for the Royal Canadian Mint to produce than its actual currency value.

"Pennies take up too much space on our dressers at home. They take up far too much time for small businesses trying to grow and create jobs," said Finance Minister Jim Flaherty. He also said it costs 1.5 cents to produce each penny.

"We will, therefore, stop making them," he said.

I've been waiting for this day since 2004. I think I've actually been waiting longer, but that was the first time I got around to putting my feelings into print, complete with some cocksuckingly terrible grammar. Jesus Steve, what were you drinking that day?

I don't know what I was drinking, but I can tell you that tomorrow when the first pitch flies on the first game of the Blue Jays' season, my first toast will not just be to the return of meaningful baseball. It will also be to a dream realized and a pain in the ass removed.

So long, penny. You won't be missed. Not around here, anyhow. Not until the price of everything starts going up by 5 cents, at least.

They Sofa King Took Our Idea, But I'm Sofa King Cool With That

Back sometime around 1994 or so, a buddy and I got an idea. We should open a furniture store and call it Sofa King. Just think of the advertising possibilities, we thought. Our prices are Sofa King low...the selection and service are Sofa King Great...you get my drift.

Like a lot of our ideas, we filed it away and brought it out now and then to make people laugh, but we never did get around to opening that store.

I don't know if somebody was listening to us or came up with this on his own I mean let's face it, this isn't exactly high concept comedic genius here, but it was still kind of awesome to read this today, even though a merry band of killjoys had to go and ruin it for everyone.

For about a decade, there has been a real life Sofa King ruling Britain. This monarch, as instructed by the blueprints so lovingly and carefully laid out by my friend and I years before, spread the message that his prices were, in fact, "Sofa King Low." It was shouted from the rooftops in the form of vehicles, newspaper ads and probably more.

Then...people complained. People always complain. "Something is fun," they say. "We must put a stop to it." And so it was, with the help of the Advertising Standards Authority.

''The ASA noted that the phrase 'Sofa King Low' used the advertiser's company name but considered that it could be interpreted as a derivative of the swear word 'f***', which consumer research had found to be a word so likely to offend that it should not be used in ads at all, even when it was relevant to the name of a product,'' the watchdog said.

''Because of that, we concluded that the slogan was likely to cause serious or widespread offence.''

I haven't had a chance to share this news with my pal yet, but when I do, I'm certain we will both agree that the ASA and its ruling are Sofa King lame.

Ooooo! Cheeeeese Dooooodles!

Ah the things that come at me through Twitter.

This story of a man's happiness at the sight of Cheese Doodles is awesome when you finally watch a video of his glee. I think I might be pretty happy to see those snacks after wandering around the south pole for 86 days, but there's something adorable about his sheer joy. You don't need to understand a word of what he's saying to get it.

I think I just might have to watch the video again.

Now Anonymous Wants To Whoop Some Judge Rotenberg Ass

When I saw that Anonymous was threatening the Judge Rotenberg center, I was conflicted. here's a brief history on what sounds like a horrible place. On one hand, I thought it was kind of cool of them to be standing up for those who probably have no voice. Maybe this video of things will bring more attention to the situation there. But on the other hand, do they really think a school like this fears being hacked? They probably have a website that hasn't been updated in years, is riddled with mistakes, and left to rot in cyberspace. Would they even notice if Anonymous took it down?

And I'm sorry, but the whole "we are Anonymous, we are legion" thing loses something after a while. This may be the last post you ever see because they might just show me how legion they actually are, but I don't know. Every time I hear it, I think of this Rick Mercer video I saw a little while ago, and then all I can think is we are anonymous, we are...Timmie?

So yeah. I hope this whole threat thing brings more attention to the situation, because good could come from that. I just don't know about the whole hacking thing really having any impact in this case.

Do Not Use Borat For Research

Ya know, in my old story about the blunder in the Croatian national anthem where an opera singer belted out a line about having a penis that was a mountain, I said that if something laughable happens during the singing of the national anthem, we should just laugh it off. Well, in the case of what happened to Kazakhstan, I take that all back.

You see, the organizers at the Arab Shooting Championships in Kuwait failed at research. I guess when they tried to look up the anthem for Kazakhstan, they found the spoof anthem that was in the movie "Borat". Thinking that was the real anthem, they had it at the ready if the country won a gold medal.

...

which it did

...

and they played the spoof anthem

...

and the good folks of Kazakhstan are justifiably angry.

I don't know if this is worse than the case of the Israeli deligation that translated their questions into English via Babelfish, but it's pretty close.

I Just Unlocked The I'm A Stalking Victim Badge On Foursquare!

Yee ha. I'm up late because Trix inexplicably has a raging case of the scoots, so I figured why not post something? Hopefully whatever I post won't be really boring or full of nonsense. It's almost 4 in the morning. I should be snoring. But oh no. I'm awake. But hey, it could be worse. I could feel like Trix must feel. That would suck much arse.

I just read about a creepy app that points out all the things I hate about Foursquare and Facebook. Read The tale of 'Girls Around Me'. Now, if you do the Facebook/Foursquare thing, lock that shit down, ok?

In a nutshell, what this app does is figure out where you are, then see how many girls who check into Foursquare are near you. Then it can link you to their Facebook profile, and if it's public, you can read all about them, then go track them down. Doesn't that sound like a recipe for not so good? I sure thought so, and so did the girls he was showing this too.

This particular app has been given a swift kick in the balls by Foursquare, but that doesn't stop the next app from popping up.

People, please, think about your privacy online. Don't leave yourself open to be stalked or worse.