I'm Sick of This Bullshit

Whenever I think about riding this post, words fail me. I'm reduced to saying, over and over again, these people are morons!
You remember my feelings on guts, dont you? If not, there's the most recent eruption, complete with links to earlier spewings. There, history lessonover.

Now, they're at it again. How did Shakespeare put it? "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." I know, that's not about the same thing, but it fits pretty well here.

Last week, on the day of action for people with disabilities, GUTS decided that their contribution would be to dump cow dung all over the front of our current MPP's office. They claim it was her campaign office, but in true GUTS fashion, they failed to do their research and dumped it at her constituency office. Way to go. They said they did this to, how did they put it? "express our concern that the Ontario Liberal government has done very little for those with disabilities."

And throwing a heap of bullshit really expresses concern. No, it only makes the MPP want to do even less for people with disabilities.

That's not all these so-called advocates have done. In the past, they have protested in front of our MPP's home on the weekend, and essentially sent her death threats! Why haven't they been prosecuted? That is not the way someone representing a group of people, or any decent citizen for that matter, should behave. The only change they can hope to effect with that kind of intimidation is a change of their criminal records to reflect their latest idiocy.

As a person with a disability, here is my personal message for those at GUTS. Stop speaking for me. You are doing more harm than good by doing this, well, bullshit. You make me ashamed that you are trying to represent me. I have a voice, let me use it. I sure as hell don't need you doing it. The more of these stunts you pull, the less help we as people with disabilities will get. You are not speaking for the under-empowered. You are undermining what power we may have. Go do something useful.

the Trixie Evolution Continues

I just love writing these updates. I think they'll be neat to look back on as time goes on. So here are some new things I've noticed about Trixie.

She's very very very picky about her toys. She will not play with the same toy twice in a row. There are certain toys for certain times, according to the Trixie way of thinking. If I offer her a toy she does not approve of, she sniffs it and walks away. But she doesn't go far, as if to say, "try again." I pull out another toy, and she's happy as hell to take it. But she has no problem playing multiple tug games a day.

While we're on the subject of tug toys, the toy is still alive. It's looking like it's been tugged on a bit, but it isn't showing signs of dying any time soon. It's funny when she starts to play. She doesn't just run with me and the tug toy, she bounces! Straight up! When she gets excited in harness, sometimes I can feel her bucking and bouncing too. This usually means there's something exciting across the street that I should be aware of, or it's food time and she knows she's almost home.

She loves our downstairs neighbour. If I get off the elevator on her floor, Trixie knows exactly where we're going, and wastes no time to get there. It's like she's spring-loaded. It's cool, because when I first got Trixie, my neighbour was afraid of black dogs, so I was afraid I'd never walk with her again. But Trixie has broken her of her fear.

They talked so much about how long and hard we would have to work to communicate with our dogs. But Trixie makes it easy. She'll tell me if she wants to play, she'll tell me if she needs to relieve and we're not going anytime soon, she'll tell me if she's completely full of energy and could use a walk. She'll tell me if she has to relieve when we're walking. Sometimes, we get our signals crossed, but not very often. Most often, I just love watching her tell me how happy she is with that wagging tail!

I meant to put this next thing in my last installment of Trixie's brain, but I forgot. It was so funny that I have to put it here. She ran into a whole new thing the other day. She met a radio-controled car. It was funny to watch her thought process. "Is it a car? It's awfully small. Do I run away from it? Towards it? It has flashing lights and a beeping horn. What do I do? Aaa!"

I eventually got her to turn and face it and have a good look at it. Then I asked the person to drive it out of our way, which they did, and then she walked right past, completely unphased.

I think she was a tracking dog in a previous life. One time, Steve was hiding on me, so Trixie just walked right into the room where he was and found him for me. Busted! Another time, Steve and I were goofing around and Steve grabbed me and made it look like he was dragging me somewhere. Trixie started chasing both of us! It was hillarious!

She really cares about me. Sometimes, I can be a bit over-dramatic when I'm talking to someone. The other day, someone said something really disgusting and I slumped over as if I were fainting. Poor Trixie got all worried and I had to tell herI was ok. When I got my hair cut, I had to have her a bit of a distance away from the chair so the lady could work her magic. For most of the session, Trixie just lay there like a little angel. Then, they broke out the blow dryer! In a flash, she got up and ran over to me, as if to say, "You're not hurting mommy, are you?" I told her it was ok, and got her to lay down. But it was so cute to see how much she looks out for me.

It's amazing what a difference I can see in Trixie's work. She's always been good, but every day, she gets even better. I had a lot of trust issues to work through with her. Babs put me through the wringer, so Trixie had to help me get over my fear that she would do the same. It wasn't something I thought consciously, but it was under the surface. For a long time, I was nervous taking her into restaurants, following people if I was in a place where I didn't know where I was going, I didn't feel that sense of freedom everyone talked about. In a way, I felt more restricted for a while. Now all of that is melting away. She's really good at following people if we have to, I know she'll stop at steps, she really looks out for me. I don't have to put the gental leader on her nearly as much. I only have to do it when temptation is staring her right in the face. She's awesome!

I sometimes wonder who has been trained to whose needs. I have become a bit of a doggy robot. When I first get up, I feed her right away. Then, it's down to relieve. When I come back, I groom her and do her obedience right away so I don't forget. AT the specified times when I give her water, feed her, take her to relieve, etc. I will get the urge to check my watch, and of course, it's that time, so I'll stop what I'm doing and go do what has to be done. But I figure it's better that way than me having to remind myself constantly of what has to be done.

I'm such a goof. Time is measured in doggy things. Tomorrow, I will give her her sixth heartguard pill, apply the sixth tube of flea and tic-preventative stuff, soon she needs new food, new toothpaste and her toenails need clipping. It's really weird to see physical signs of the passage of time in her doggy things. Her food and toothpaste are almost gone, again, the thing of baby wipes I use for cleaning her ears is definitely less full, toys have died, but that roll of poop bags still looks like a monster! When that thing dies, we'll know time is marching on for sure.

I think that's about it in the Trixie department. I should go, my doggy radar says it's watering and relieving time. Must do that now...resistance is futile!

Um Yeah Ok

When I wrote the
post
last month about the crazy man suing Michael Vick for "$63,000,000,000 billion" dollars, I had no idea how crazy the guy actually was.

It turns out that Jonathan Lee Riches, the man who filed that suit, has also filed at least 35 others, all of which are riddled with similar insanity. Here's a
link
to a Wikipedia entry that details the ones that are known [yes, there may be more]. Among them are these 2, both filed on the same day.

On July 16, 2007 Riches filed a lawsuit against the Mossad, Central Intelligence Agency, and Larry King Live claiming the "defendants are in a vast conspiracy to hijack my torso, three toes, and my constitutional rights and ship them to a secret headquarters in Concord, NH." Riches also alleges that the "Mossad told me personally on April 20, 2007 that they are going to hang me on a cross next to Jesus Christ.", that "Larry King Live is a voodoo witch doctor who stole my identity on February 25th, 2003 and purchased lead paint, Chips Ahoy!, Planter's Peanuts, and Ziploc bags under my identity. Distributed them to the CIA to microwave test my DNA", and that "The CIA on January 4, 2006, plead allegiance to Al-Qaeda.." The court refused to docket the case because the court did not receive a filing fee from Riches.

Also on July 16, 2007, Riches filed a lawsuit against the Federal Judicial System, all United States Federal Judges, United States Marshals, and Tiger Woods. This lawsuit claims that "Tiger Woods is touring the PGA golf courses with my identity in his pocket. He will not answer my prison phone calls - this continues today." and that "U.S. Marshals laugh at me through the prison ventilation system." In the lawsuit, Riches misspelled ventilation and marshals.

Here's hoping the guy gets the help he needs before he decides to sue me, Google, News of the Weird and Wikipedia for making him look like a goof, and perhaps even for subjecting him to ridicule through the microwaving of his identity and credit cards via the internet and President Bush who, it should be noted, used to sell goats to Paris Hilton in exchange for books about knitting. I made that last part up...I think.

Travel Insurance Hell is Over!

Well, it looks like my travel insurance saga is over. After the clinic sent me notice after notice demanding to be paid, and finally threatened me with a collection agency, I called the travel insurance folk. They told me that they had been sending the clinic in San Rafael letters, but they hadn't gotten a response. So I got on the horn to the clinic, was put on hold, and left several messages. Something I said must have rung a bell in someone's head, because the notices stopped coming.

A few weeks later, I called the insurance people again. To my surprise, they told me everything was settled! Apparently, at the end of August, the people in San Rafael sent them the info they needed, and they paied the bill. It would have been nice to receive a letter from either the insurance people or the clinic. It would have been especially nice if the insurance people would have thought to let me know, since we'd been having trouble paying this baby off for about four months. A little communication would have been just dandy. But oh well. At least it is settled. I wasn't sure if I could believe them because they have trouble getting their story straight. I've been told that they're trying to work out a discount, they're waiting for info, that they've received nothing, and now things are settled.

It's been about a month and a half since I've gotten an angry letter, so I guess I'm in the clear. But I've learned a few things about travel insurance and American health care.

• Facilities can refuse to take travel insurance!


• Getting the bill paid is a painfully slow process.


• Even if you just end up leaving messages, it must help somehow to get your problem straightened out, so don't feel like leaving messages is getting you nowhere.


• Companies are really good at communicating when they want something, but they suck at it when it's time to let you know things are all good.

Ug. Hopefully I don't have to deal with travel insurance for a long, long time. At least this story had a happy ending.

The End Of An Era?

The United States Supreme Court
has agreed to hear a case brought by 2 Kentucky death row inmates
who say that lethal injections are cruel and unusual punishment and are therefore in violation of the Eighth Amendment of the country's Constitution.

I'm not sure how much chance they have of winning, but it's definitely far from impossible. And in any case, the issue raises quite a few interesting questions, mainly, what would this mean for the future of the death penalty in America?

If lethal injections are cruel and unusual in their current form because they inflict unnecessary pain on the recipient, what would the alternative be? There's no way to ensure with absolute certainty that any death is sufficiently painless, because neither you nor I nor any scientist has ever been able to wake up a freshly dead person and ask how it felt when he went.

And if injections do not and cannot meet constitutional standards, what about other popular methods like the gas chamber or the electric chair? I've never been in one, but I feel pretty safe assuming that the chair would suck big time, probably more than being shot full of chemicals. And the gas chamber, while not quite so obviously violent, has also been known to have its own issues. So with that said, if the current case is a winner, it would clear the way for challenges of these other methods as well, and with precedent set against painful deaths, they would likely be struck down too.

That leads us back to the main question of what happens to the death penalty. if a painless death can't be guaranteed and that's the standard by which everything is being judged, it follows that the death penalty in and of itself is cruel and unusual and must be ruled unconstitutional. I know that we're likely years away from that point because there surely will be many appeals, but it'll be interesting to see how things ultimately play out.

The Short Circuit Isn't On The Board.

A girl walks into an airport with what looks like a circuitboard and thinks it will be perceived as art? Ok then. How stupid is she? Surprisingly, she's smart enough to be an MIT student in electrical engineering. But something obviously isn't wired up right in her brain.

Star Simpson, 19, wandered into Logan International Airport in Boston to pick up her boyfriend. But she decided she would look cool if she came in wearing a black hoodie with a circuit board and 9 lights attached, and clutching a handful of play-Doh. Can you see any problems there, chief?

The police sure did, and had she not followed their instructions, no neurons would be firing in her brain anymore. But she's lucky to be alive, locked up and charged with possessing a hoax bomb device. And she didn't even have enough brains to just plead guilty and be done with it. How do you plead not guilty on charges of having a hoax bomb when you're arrested for wearing wires? If it wasn't a hoax, was it real?

In what realm does wearing a wire-covered hoodie qualify as art anyway? Even if she somehow managed to not hear about September 11 2001, Richard Reid trying to light his shoe, liquid explosives, and all the other terrorist events, how did she miss the lecture about not talking, joking, or even insinuating anything about bombs near an airport, let alone wearing a fake one? I've known ever since I was little that airports are understandably twitchy about anything that may have the potential to go boom. So where has she been? Well, if she gets charged, we know where she could be for the next five years. She'll be showing off the art of a striped uniform from inside prison gates.

A Bad Trip

Wow. This horrible chain of events definitely would qualify as a bad day as the story put it. Our unknown star of the show from Val Des Monts, Quebec, had a little too much crack cocaine. So, down he went into a violent seizure. This upset his pit bull tarrier, who promptly took a bite out from under his ear. His friends, all high, decided this had to be stopped. So they picked up a baseball bat. But they didn't connect with the dog, they smacked our helpless seizuring druggy square in the face. Eventually, the dog stopped feasting on him and he was taken to hospital. But things didn't stop there for our friend. How did the story put it? Oh yes. There it is. "the nurse noticed something abnormal in the man's intimate parts," and pulled out a nice bag of crack cocaine from his, well, crack. There was 10 grams of it, enough to give him a good ol' charge of trafficking. Oh yeah, and he was also fined for having a pit bull. That's when you know your day sucks.

I think this guy's bad day beats the calamity of errors committed by the guy who flashed a gang sign at the wrong car. That sucked, but I think this is worse.

And While I'm Ragging On Beeping things...

Wow. I'm just on a ragging on things theme aren't I?

This weekend, Steve, Barbie, and I got talking about something that always made me raise my eyebrows whenever I thought about it. The practicality of the beeping baseball.

Yep, I said beeping baseball. A long time ago, someone thought it would be great if blinks could play baseball by being able to hear the ball. Great! So, they put something in it that you could hear. Super! What was that thing? A beeper! Uh-oh!

Think about that. You're going to hurl a ball which encases a piece of electronics through the air, then hit it with a large wooden stick, and wait for it to plummet to earth. How long do you think the electronics will survive? Every beeping ball I ever saw was lucky if it made it two throws. Upon dying, it would:

• cease to beep mid-course through the air.


• cease to beep when it contacted whatever it hit.

or
• make its final death cry in the form of a beep falling in pitch the way Pakman sounds when he dies.

At first, I thought that I must have had a bad ball, and maybe the design was flawed in the early 80's when we tried it, but since our horrible experience left us saying fuck beeping balls, we never bought another one, they got better and we just didn't know it. But Steve and I got talking about it, and he saw the same thing years later! So they must still be plagued with the same problems.

Barbie thought you were just supposed to roll the ball, so I went out in search of a product description for a beeping baseball. ILA has a whole section of beeping balls, but none of them are baseballs! There are balls that are designed to go in the water...the water? Hmmm. There are volleyballs, soccer balls, all manner of balls designed to be subjected to rough play, but no baseballs!

So, off I went to google, trying to find one. All this because of a conversation about beeping baseballs. I couldn't find people selling them, but I did find out that you don't roll the ball.

Beep baseball is a form of baseball adapted for the visually impaired. The game is played with standard softball bats, a 16-inch circumference ball, which emits an audible beep tone, and two bases (48-inch pylons) which emit an audible buzzing sound.

Two bases? Hmmm. And how do those survive after being stomped on, slid into, all the things that baseball entails. Just imagine if the bases decided to die! Just picture the strains of "He can't find Home! The base isn't buzzing anymore!"

But I found something else out that shocked me. There is a National Beep Baseball World Series! They cannot be using the same balls as we used. They can't! They just can't! They've been doing this since 1976! It can't be possible! If they are using the same balls, how many balls would they have had to have laid waste to? How much yelling of "Christ! Where did the beep go? Did Joey get it? oe! It just fell over there! Run! Run! Get it!" would there have had to have been over 31 years?

I saw something that made me very excited. I found a beep baseball podcast! I was hoping and praying that there would be recordings of beep baseball games so I could hear the number of balls that met their unfortunate end in a given game. But alass, all I found was a horrid butchering of Take me out to the ballgame that I can only hope against hope was a joke, a lot of badly constructed sentences because I think the poor soul who made this thing kept forgetting what came before his links, and podcasts of...interviews! booo!! I wanted games!

Now I've written myself into a corner. What exactly is my point? I wanted to laugh at the concept of the beeping baseball. that's how this started off. But as I looked for more info, I was left with a million questions. What does the Beep Baseball world series look like? Do they actually use the same balls Steve andI saw? If so, how has it survived 31 years? Was there a big secret we weren't let in on? Are there actually beeping baseballs that defy common sense and survive the abuse of a baseball game? So many questions, hopefully there will be some answers!

And While I'm Ragging On Morons...

I had someone say the most moronic thing to me yesterday. I was standing at a corner. But something felt off. Because I didn't feel like dying, I was going to wait through a few repetitions of traffic before I could either fix what was off or realize that I was just halucinating and everything was fine.

After a cycle of traffic had gone through, a man pranced over to me and yelled, not spoke, but yelled, "Did you realize that you waited through a whole light there?" I told him yeah I had a feeling, but I wanted to make sure everything was cool before I stepped out into the street and turned myself and my dog into a pile of road pizza. And this is what the man said before prancing off, probably feeling like he was the saviour of the poor helpless blind girl. "You should go down to the square. The lights beep there."

Let's follow this line of thinking to its logical conclusion. This man thinks I'm just walking around for the sake of walking around. He thinks I have no specific destination. So, I can just sub one area of town for another one. I was not trying to get to the square. I was trying to buy a greyhound bus ticket.

I wouldn't have minded him asking why I'd waited through a light. I was at a kind of creepy part of town, so he probably wondered why on earth I would stand there any longer than I had to. But at least listen to the answer! I wouldn't have even minded him saying the thing about the beeping lights if he had stayed long enough to tell me if the light was green, or followed that up by asking why the lights don't beep here. But he just basically made a special effort to ask me if I was a flaming retard and then assumed I had no particular place to go, and then went off on his merry way, feeling like he'd done his random act of kindness. Thanks for the help, or lack thereof.

Every time I write one of these posts, I'm afraid I'm making people afraid to approach blind people. Really, we're approachable if you talk to us like you would talk to anyone else, at least most of us are. Would you walk up to a random person and tell them where they should walk, or yell at them for not going through the lights? No. You might ask them if they're looking for something. Why not start there with us?

And While I'm Ragging On Rogers...

I've meant to write about this for a while now. Remember, in my last post, I talked about being able to get a little thing from rogers they called a treat. I ended up getting a ring tune, which is just a bit of somebody's song that plays when your phone rings. I'm not uber fond of it, but that's what happens when you have to pick it through your cel phone and can't preview it and you don't recognize the song...don't get me started on that! Point is I got it.

Anyway, I had to get the treat via text message because the site was inaccessible because of that ugly, unlabeled flash. The point of all this is the text message they sent me. It still weirds me out. I quote.

Thx 4 ur biz! Ur ring tune link will arrive shortly. Depending on ur phone it cud arrive in ur browser msg inbox.

Ok, did two people take turns writing that message? Was there a monkey using lete-speak and someone talking normally? Were they worried about running out of room in the message window, so that's what they had to do? But they could have saved space by using words like come instead of arrive. What kind of demented mutant message is that? And should any lete-speak be in business messages? I already ranted about seeing lete-speak in my rogers bill. To me, this is similar. Next, teachers will be forced to except text message lingo in exams... oh crap, that's already happening!

Say Hello to a Broken Website

Ok, time to throw the advocacy hat back on, on a smaller scale.

I got something in the mail from Rogers. It said I was eligible for a gift because I'd been with their wireless service for a while. I thought, woohoo, free gift! First of all, in order to get this gift, I had to input a code. I scanned the card that had the code on it, and got some letters and numbers. I got excited, thinking I could actually scan the code correctly. I ran to the website, and slammed head-first into my first barrier. I couldn't see anywhere that I could click on to redeem my gift. I found out later, thanks to a talented man on a tech list, that this is because the wonderful web designers at Rogers decided to make the "select my gift" button an untagged image. Um, hello? This is basic html. Tag your images! They'd labeled a bunch of other graphics on the page. Why not that one?

I called Rogers, and got someone who could not grasp for the life of him that I could not see and was using a screen-reader. This was just too much for the poor fellow. He eventually came around enough to sort of tell me what gifts I had available to me. I could get a magazine subscription. Nope, something tells me that wouldn't work. I could get some cell phone accessories. Ooo! What are those? Ah crap, nothing I'd want. Or, I could get a music CD. Double ooo! When I asked him what was available, he sort of stammered, "Name me an artist, we probably have it." I asked him if he could list them off. He said no, there were too many choices. Luckily, I lucked out on only my second try.

Then the fun really began. He asked me to enter my code. I spewed back what the scanner gave me. He just said nope, that's not right. I asked him if he could cross reference my name with the code that had been mailed to me, and he said nope, that wasn't possible. I had to laugh. With a company that has everything linked together and databases out the wazoo, this was impossible?

Defeated, I told him I would have to call back. I had to find someone with working eyes to read the code to me. I could have had that person sit down and go through the site, but I decided out of principle that it should be Rogers doing this.

I came back with a code that was no where near what came out of my scanner, and called Rogers. I managed to befuddle a second person, but persisted until I got my CD. Damn it, Rogers is offering stuff for free, I'm gettin' it!

This isn't the first time I've had trouble getting stuff out of Roger's website. I was eligible for some kind of treat thing. I went to that site, and was greeted by some ugly, unlabelled flash. I emailed them, and they practically kissed my feet, giving me a way to get my treat via my cell phone and a few bucks off my cell phone bill. I really appreciate their flexibility, but this is starting to become a recurring problem. If it's starting to become a trend, maybe they should overhall their website, especially since they're marketing a talking cell phone. If they don't, they may have a lot of pissed off customers.

So, here's the page. Blind people will see absolutely no sign of the words "select your gift." People with working eyes will see them plainly, but they're in an image. If you want to let them know about this little bug, you can contact them. If they actually respond to you, let me know and I can give you some links that the dude from the list gave me so you can give them some other resources to consult.

I know it's just a promotional program, but if we don't let them know this type of design is wrong, they may love it and think it's the best thing since sliced bread and start using it everywhere. When this kind of inaccessible web-design starts to bleed into essential parts of the site, we're in real trouble, so we might as well start letting them know now.

I don't mean to sound like I'm saying that Rogers is evil. It's more like they're not informed. So, let's be proactive and enlighten them a little bit before we have to bitch that their whole site has gone to the dogs. I have already contacted them, and I'll post about whatever they say, if they say anything. If anyone else contacts them, let us know what happens. This could be interesting.

Merry Christmas Dad, And Don't Forget To Check Out Our Big Boxing Day Sale

What price would you be willing to pay for a free phone call? It's a strange question I know, but if
Pudding Media
has its way, it's one to which people are going to have to give some serious thought.

The company is behind a service similar to ones like Skype that allow you to make phone calls using your computer. However instead of charging you for the privilege, Pudding Media will let you talk as much as you want for free in exchange for you allowing them to listen in on your conversations with voice recognition software so they can serve you advertising based on what you're talking about. So if you talk about cars with your brother, you'll see ads for car dealers in your area. If you talk about music with your sister, you'll be shown commercials for the hottest new releases. Talking about flowers with your mother? Get ready for flower shops and gardening tips, and on and on and on. The company is even working on ways to deliver ads to the person on the other end of the call, either through what would have to be considered spam email or by using that person's cell phone screen as its own personal billboard.

Sounds great, doesn't it?

Who are the people that Pudding Media is expecting to sign up for this service? Are they marketing to the
AttenTV
set who doesn't give a thought to the privacy of their activities? Other than them, I can't think of a single reasonable person who would be down with this idea, especially given all of the controversy over unauthorized government surveillance these days. If we don't want the government listening in on us, why should a marketing firm be any different, even if they're giving something away at no financial cost?

If you can afford the computer and internet connection that are required to make services like this work, then you can damn sure pay a few bucks to make a phone call, and you should. In the long run, whatever the cost might be will be a lot cheaper than the price you'll pay for selling yourself as well as your friends and family out to companies who have no qualms about using you and your personal information in any way necessary to make themselves rich.

Here Comes Trixie's Brain Again

Man, this new place I moved to a few months ago has weird weather. It's certainly not California. One day, it's cold and windy, and just when I've gotten used to that kind of weather, it goes back to hot and sticky! Can I please have some California weather? And whenever it chills off, the humans start wondering how I'll handle something they call snow. I have never heard of such a thing. What is snow? Super cold weather? Then I hear some other talk about how they're going to buy me boots for my feet for going through this snow. Come on. I can handle hot pavement. Why would I wuss out in the snow?

Gees! These last few days have been weird! A few days ago, Carin got up and started doing a bunch of stuff. She and Steve cleaned the house, did some laundry, and then she dug out this chain. The last time I saw one of those, we went on a trip and that's how she put the tie-down by a couch in the other house where we stayed. Anyway, she tied the chain to the spare bed! Am I moving in there? Then we had to go to the grocery store. But she kept saying we had to be sure to be back by 5 or so. Why? We've been late for my food before. What was so special about today?

We got back, she fed me and stuff, and then she tied me down and grabbed that white stick, that cane, that she hates so much, and left without me! Steve left too! I was left wondering what was going on. There was no reason to do that! In a few minutes, she came back for me, and we started walking down to where I do my business, but I had just done that! Why were we doing this? Then, I saw another dog! It had the same leash as me, the human standing with it had the same harness as me, does it do the same job as me? Is it going to replace me? Phew! Nope, it looks like it does the job I do for another human!

It was kind of neat showing another dog the ropes. I got to lead the way, showing the dog and the human where to go. If they got off course, I would stop and look back and then Carin would say something and they would come back to being right behind us!

Then Carin did more weird things. I had to stay on my leash for a while. The other dog did too. We were so eager to meet that we kept getting our leashes tangled. For a while, I thought we were going to switch humans!

Then, finally, they let us loose! We chased each other around the apartment for what seemed like forever. Man, that dog is big compared to me. She would jump on my back and go up and down, up and down, up and down. What is that? Is she a lesbian? I don't swing that way. Luckily, Carin would usually come over and separate us when that was going on. She'd also tell me to get her. Is she out of her mind? That dog is way bigger than me!

When she wasn't pinning me down, she was a lot of fun. I sure liked running after her. But they never let us play too long. They'd tell us to settle down. These humans are such drags.

We decided to play a nasty little trick on them. The first time we walked our humans together, we were perfect little angels. They ooed and awwed about how impressed they were with us. We let them believe that we were stars. Hey, it meant more kibble, and who turns down kibble?

The next time we walked them, we had a little nose-wiggling meeting on the bus. I told the other dog, what was her name? Rosamae. That's it. I told her that I'd show her some cool places to sniff. So, when she saw me sniffing, that was the place she was supposed to sniff. Oh, we had such fun...until we both got a few corrections. Ok ok ok we'll work now.

I was just starting to wonder if the human and Rosamae were going to move in with us. I thought that was cool, if for no other reason, there was more dogfood for me to try and get. Every time the other human would feed Rosamae, I would eye up her food. I figured if she stayed long enough, I would get some of it. I'd be good, and just when Carin wasn't expecting it, wammo!

Then, as quickly as they had come, they disappeared! I was convinced Rosamae was going to come out of somewhere and surprise me. I can still smell her on the balcony and in some places on the carpet. But she seems to be gone for good. I wonder if she'll ever be back. Well, if she's coming back, I'm getting ready. I'll start with practicing pinning down the tug toy. Somehow, that seems much easier than trying to do that to her, but I guess I have to start somewhere.

I'm really starting to love my human. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. She says I'm doing better and better and she calls me a star. I love to watch her beam from ear to ear as we walk down the street. I wag my tail and love every minute of it. I don't even care about the weather here. Whatever snow is, bring it on! I can handle it!

Today's Dose of Trixie-Induced Sap

This morning, I had it shown to me why the term dogged determination is so apt. I decided to put a treat inside Trixie's cong because it's fun to watch her work with such precision to get it out. I knew, as I was wedging the treat in there, that it was going to be a tough challenge. I gave it to Trixie, and she started to work on it. She worked and chewed and worked and flipped and worked and worked some more. A few minutes went by. No success. I decided to go off and do the dishes. She didn't follow me like she usually does. I could hear her working away. She didn't stop. She didn't lie down, decide to look out the window at the barking dogs outside, nothing but chew chew chew work squeeze chew chew that cong.

An hour later, after the dishes were washed and I was starting to think I should go check on her, I heard a thud, and Trixie ran into the spare room, and started flopping and snorting the way she does after her morning feed. Steve found the cong, covered in slime, but completely devoid of treat. It was like nothing was ever in there. If Trixie could talk, she would have yelled, "Yes! Victory is mine, suckas!" But she'll just have to settle for flopping and snorting.

I had to wonder if I would go at a task with such determination. Would I struggle single-mindedly with something without stopping for so long? I'm sure I would have given up long ago. I think next time I have something tough to do, I'll just picture Trixie and her cong. If she can do it, so can I.

What An Asscidhole

Ok kids, pop quiz time.

You're having some work done at your house. The repairman doing the job takes off for the day and leaves a few jugs and bottles full of some kind of strange liquid in your basement when he goes. Do you:
A. Not really think about them because you know he's coming back in a day or so and probably needs them for something?
B. Give him a call and make sure he knows that he left them in case he needs them for something else and can't find them now?
C. Uncork one of those bad boys and take a nice healthy slug?

If you said C and you're entirely serious about that answer, it means you're an imbecile and it's a shame you're somehow still alive. Unfortunately, it also means that
there are others out there just like you.

CHICAGO - A Frankfort, Ill., woman who accidentally drank battery acid in January is suing the man who left it in her home as well as the company that sold it to him. Patricia Gabrysiak needed a new sump pump, so she called an installer and he came and left the pump and some supplies in the basement of her home. He also left a gallon water jug, a liter water container and a bottle with a ginger ale label all filled with battery acid, said the lawsuit filed in Will County Circuit Court. Gabrysiak took a drink from one of the containers not realizing that it was battery acid and had to be taken to a hospital with severe burns, the Chicago Tribune reported. She is now suing repairman J. Brady McCahey, who allegedly left the containers, as well as Master Automotive Supply and Parts Plus Auto Store, which allegedly sold him the acid in unlabeled containers. The acid was to be used for the pump's battery and was moved out of the basement "by a third party," said the attorney for the Frankfort repairman.

And now that the reading portion of the assignment is done, it's time for another quiz.

Should we pass a law stating that if you are not a child under the age of 9 or previously diagnosed as mentally impaired and you do something this mindbogglingly ridiculous, the medical system is no longer obligated to take care of you and the legal system is allowed to ridicule you and can bill you for wasting its time?
A. Yes.
B. Absolutely.
C. You're damn skippy we should!
D. Fuckin' right!
E. Only if there's a provision that allows for sterilization once the case is settled.
F. Only if that sterilization can be done by an angry mob with rusty garden implements.

Answers can be submitted as comments, emails, or silently stewed over while trying to restrain yourself from committing violent acts against your fellow man.

Do I Have Trixie Abandonment Issues?

Out of all the Trixie dreams I've had, I think the weirdest ones are the ones where I dream I abandon her. There was the one where I went to Steve's family for the weekend without her, and another one I had later where I dreamed I left her at home and then suddenly realized she would need to relieve and I wasn't going to be there in time. I had stopped having dreams like this, and figured I guess I'd gotten over my insecurities about abandoning her, or something. Then, I had another one of these a week or so ago.

I was getting off a plane. I was excited. I was heading to guide dog school. As I waited at baggage claim, I wondered how much of the campus I would remember. Would I remember the twisty obstacle course that led to the buses? What room would I be in? I would be in the retrain wing, that was for sure.

A man showed up and hustled me into a van of some kind. I asked if he had my bags, and he said we would have to come back for them. This didn't thrill me, but there was nothing I could do.

Some other people were in the van, and they were all saying where they were from. They were talking about their old dogs and how much they missed them. I got thinking about Trixie and how awesome she was, and how it would suck to have to start all over again.

Then, it shot through me. Why was I even here? Trixie and I were doing fine and I'd only had her a few months. Why did I do this?

Seconds later, another realization hit me. I hadn't made any arrangements for Trixie. She was back here, with Steve, and Steve didn't know how to relieve her, take her for walks, all that stuff. What was going to happen?

As I started to panic, I woke up wondering what in hell that was. The only thing I can think is I'm on a mailing list full of other people with guide dogs, and a whole bunch of them just got dogs. But that's wacked! Why do I keep dreaming I'm leaving her somewhere? Do other people with guide dogs dream this stuff? Do new moms dream about leaving their babies behind? Or am I the only one having stupid dreams?

Trixie just wacked me in the knees with her little nose. She knows it's dinner time. Nope, this dog's not getting left anywhere.

Introducing Microsoft Eeewww!

Imagine booting up your computer and going to check your email. As you read a message from your dad talking about the family's Christmas plans, an ad for Christmas tree decorations appears beside the message. Your friend writes you and is talking about how school is going, and buying textbooks, and ads for bookstores and finding schools near you appear. Then you decide to start writing the essay you have to get done for school, and ads for places where you can get cheap essays and plot summaries spawn in a frame beside your essay. Frustrated, you turn on some music. Every so often, in between your songs, ads for online music stores are played. Is this the case of some idiot filling their computer with spyware? Sadly, no. It's Microsoft's vision of the future.

Yep, Microsoft wants to make it possible for advertiser's to gather data from your personal files to help them target ads at you by allowing the very programs you use to write those files to mine it out and serve it up to them. Personal files. Like the files you don't want shared with the world. They might have private information in them, information that might lead to having your identity stolen if it fell into the wrong hands, which is very possible if your files are used as fuel for advertisers.

Then, they want to throw those ads in your face by cramming them on the same screen where you're trying to do productive work. They even want video-editing programs to show video ads! Yeah, because annoying the piss out of your customers is going to make them support the advertisers. Right. What rock has Microsoft been under? Have they not noticed how much people hate spyware and adware? They must have, because they created a program to supposedly help combat it. It's horribly inadequate and not worth downloading, but they did make one.

Can't you just imagine the great fun that using a computer running windows will become if this goes through? I doubt it has a chance, but if it does manage to succeed, I'll seriously consider linux or the Mac.

Update On The Drunks Looking For Cabs Thing

It looks like there's a solution to the problem of the drunks demanding cabs late at night and waking up the whole neighbourhood. I guess the city approved a plan to set up taxi stands during those late-night crazy hours. I didn't think there would be enough cabs to make that work, but I'm glad there are. Now the neighbours can get some much-needed sleep.

Teach Your Children Well, Or Better Yet, Let Them Teach Themselves

Man, England is going to hell. They have CCTV's everywhere, nobody going to jail for things they should go to jail for, and now, a bunch of people responsible for education think that kids should set their own tests and grade themselves.

Hmmm, I can't see any problem with that, can you? I guess, if they follow through with this, they wouldn't have to worry about low test scores. Everybody would ace every test!

I start to wonder why we'd have teachers at that point. They want the kids to pick the questions, high school students to make up homework assignments and devise marking schemes, and the kids to grade each other. I'm just picturing the students who were in my grade nine class, and what it would have looked like if the teacher had let that idea loose on us. My classmates liked to wrestle over desks and throw rulers. I don't think they were too into self-assessment.

I'm amazed that a whole group of people thought this idea was a good one. Then again, it just goes to show how good self-assessment is.

Maybe It's Part Of The Plan To Kill Off A Few Extra Children

You know, we really shouldn't be too surprised when China uses high amounts of lead in the toys they make. I mean, this should already be a no-brainer. But it becomes especially unsurprising when they are too cheap to build a bridge over a raging river so some of their kids can get to school, so the little ones have to be hoisted over by cable. One kid actually said, "I used to dream of having a bridge, but then I learned that my dream
was too expensive."

Too expensive? For China? Who filld this kid's head with bullshit? Why do I bother to ask? They have more than enough dough to build a bridge so some kids don't go swimming in the river.

Now a bridge is being built, but only because the image of the little ones got out to the media and China thinks it looks bad.

And we still call them a developed nation. I don't know what they have developed into, but it's not good.

Poisonous Stupidity

Ok, why is it that the completely dumb among us do things to themselves that should earn them a Darwin award, but manage to live? The latest moron is Matt Wilkenson.

Strike 1. He kept a pet rattle snake.
Strike 2. He put it down his throat because he thought it would be funny.
Strike 3. It bit him, shooting enough venom straight into his throat to kill 12-15 men.
He should be out!

Nope. After doctors stuck a breathing tube down his throat, injected several rounds of anti-venin into him and then put him in a medical coma for three days, he's still alive, kickin', and just as stupid, saying things like "It was kind of my own stupid fault." Kind of? Well, that's a start.

It doesn't seem fair that he's going to be fine, but someone else will have something happen to them that's completely out of their control and die.

Would This Be Ouch, Or Would It Be Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Ouch!?

Don't ask me how things like this happen, because I don't know. but what I do know is that it would have sucked a big juicy hard one to be Venezuelan car accident victim Carlos Camejo who, after being declared dead, surprised medical examiners by waking up during his autopsy, or as the article so eloquently put it, was
"woken from his undead state by the "excruciating pain" of a scalpel to the face."

Seems We Can Do Video Now

They've added a new feature to Blogger that allows us to upload videos. If it's working and if I'm smart enough to use it, you should be able to play a wacky video of George W Bush giving a speech. Let me know if you have any problems.

The Top 20 Most Bizarre Experiments Of All Time

This is a very interesting and at times very frightening list of some of the strangest scientific experiments ever conducted. While some of them seem like things dreamed up by people who are flat out nuts, quite a few of them offer up a not always flattering glimpse into how the human mind works.

#7: The Stanford Prison Experiment

Philip Zimbardo was curious about why prisons are such violent places. Is it because of the character of their inhabitants, or is it due to the corrosive effect of the power structure of the prisons themselves?

To find out, Zimbardo created a mock prison in the basement of the Stanford psychology department. He recruited clean-cut young men as volunteers — none had criminal records and all rated "normal" on psychological tests — and he randomly assigned half of them to play the role of prisoners and the other half to play guards. His plan was that he would step back for two weeks and observe how these model citizens interacted with each other in their new roles.

What happened next has become the stuff of legend.

Social conditions in the mock prison deteriorated with stunning rapidity. On the first night the prisoners staged a revolt, and the guards, feeling threatened by the insubordination of the prisoners, cracked down hard. They began devising creative ways to discipline the prisoners, using methods such as random strip-searches, curtailed bathroom privileges, verbal abuse, sleep deprivation, and the withholding of food.

Under this pressure, prisoners began to crack. The first one left after only thirty-six hours, screaming that he felt like he was "burning up inside." Within six days, four more prisoners had followed his lead, one of whom had broken out in a full-body stress-related rash. It was clear that for everyone involved the new roles had quickly become more than just a game.

Even Zimbardo himself felt seduced by the corrosive psychology of the situation. He began entertaining paranoid fears that his prisoners were planning a break-out, and he tried to contact the real police for help. Luckily, at this point Zimbardo realized things had gone too far. Only six days had passed, but already the happy college kids who had begun the experiment had transformed into sullen prisoners and sadistic guards.

Zimbardo called a meeting the next morning and told everyone they could go home. The remaining prisoners were relieved, but tellingly, the guards were upset. They had been quite enjoying their new-found power and had no desire to give it up.

The full article is
here,
and it's a great read if you've got some time to kill.

You were attacked bya what?

This is just weird. Nancy Campbell and her eight-year-old daughter were walking around in their Oregon neighbourhood when they were attacked by a...Llama? Yep, it was a llama. What's even weirder is it didn't escape from a petting zoo. It was someone's private pet! Wanna know something even weirder? It was diagnosed with the strangest name for a syndrome ever. Berserk Llama Syndrome. Yup, that's the technical veterinary name for the disorder. And here's the kicker. Four other llamas have been euthenized in Oregon for having this disease. Um, don't move to Oregon.

What is Wrong With This Judge?

This is another one of those cases where I have no words.

Mitchell Pask was convicted by a jury of felony child-enticement because he tried to lure a nine-year-old child to a park shelter for sex, but then the judge dismissed the case, saying the shelter wasn't secluded enough!

Yup. You heard me right. The jury saw the shelter, deemed it secluded, and convicted accordingly. he did try to lure her there, talking about sexy girls and offering her candy. He even gestured towards the shelter's bathroom, asking her to follow. Thankfully, she refused. He is also up on charges of disorderly conduct involving touching a woman's breast, and he has previously molested a 12-year-old girl. Yeah, that's the case where you want to dismiss over a fucking stupid technicality.

Why do we try by jury if a judge can just overturn the whole fucking thing? Is this judge related to this guy? Why else would he quibble over whether a place was secluded enough? Thankfully, he is still being held because of that case involving him touching that woman's breast, so he's not going anywhere, and the prosecutors are appealing. Hopefully, he won't be so lucky the second time.

Warning! This Blog Contains Words!

Wow. I had to shake my head after reading this article.

Police in Hertfordshire, who are obviously not Scotland Yard material, decided that a fine way to decrease crime in their area would be to post signs everywhere telling people not to commit crime. They also posted signs at gas stations saying that all fuel must be paid for. But they say they're not going to put signs at the banks telling people not to rob them. At this point, they might as well.

I join the plain English campaign spokespeople in saying, "duh!" Anyone who would actually read those signs and be dissuaded by them wouldn't commit crimes. As for the ones still committing the crimes, they aren't going to care. So the signs just make the police look desperate and laughable.

I love this article. The plain English campaign spokespeople, as well as some others, do a fine job of mentioning all the wacky warning labels we've talked about here, and here, and wrap up in a nice little package what we've been saying! For! Years! Maybe, just maybe, there's hope for a few of us.

The Service Dog Debate Rages ON

I saw this in the comments under my post about the no longer guide dogs still guiding, and felt it needed answering up here, because it makes some good points, and I think they need to be heard. I'm going to throw my comments within her comment.

Hi Carin

In response to the issues about people lying about their dogs being service dogs...

My disability is not obvious. In fact, I occasionally have days when my dog doesn't have much to do. That does not mean that she isn't a service dog. Yet I've been challenged by people ever since those articles started coming out.

That sucks. But I figure as long as you can generally say what she does, without resorting to, "she's a service dog and I'll sue ya if you ask one more time!" and she's not chewing on passers-by, you're fine.

If a person has a seizure once every three months, does that mean their seizure alert dog is not a service dog and should not accompany them into stores?

Hell no. All it takes is one seizure and they've done their job.

Also, my dog is self-trained. I could not afford the price of a service dog and I used to be a dog trainer. I also didn't want to wait 2 years on a waiting list to be charged $15,000 US dollars for a dog.

And I think that's awesome. So we have to figure out some kind of compromise where you can have some kind of ID that proves that your dog has the right to be by your side. I'm not mad at the sentiment that the law doesn't allow people to ask what your dog does. I'm mad at what that leaves wide open for the selfish among us to take advantage of. I'm mad that the law becomes unenforceable.

You got your guide dog for beans compared to that.

I absolutely agree, and I think it isn't fair that so many have to pay so much for their dogs. I feel lucky, and then sad when I see families of Autistic children struggling to get the money together to get a dog to help with their kid, or people with all different kinds of disabilities having to wait so long and pay so much. It isn't fair, and I don't understand it.

The people pushing for national certification of service dogs are the same people who run the service dog schools that have been popping up all over the place since the veterans of Iraq have been incurring such drastic injuries.

Who will they promote to certify the dogs? Themselves, of course. What chance do I have that they will certify my self-trained dog?

and that isn't fair either. We need to find a third party body made up of representatives from the schools as well as private trainers that the schools have to answer to. That's the only way this can work at all.

I trained my dog for my specific needs. I don't need a dog that helps me balance or that can pull a wheelchair. Why wait for one of those? Why pay for one of those?

Again, I think that is awesome. I admire you for having the skills to do that. That takes one hell of a lot of patience and persistence, and I take my hat off to you.

Who will decide what disabilities NEED to be mitigated by a service dog. The schools that charge an arm and a leg (pun intended) for the dogs they've trained, of course.

That's why we need a system overseeing all of this so the schools don't hold all the power.

I don't understand why guide dogs for the blind can be procured for less than $500. when other service dogs cost more than $15,000. Guide dogs for the
blind are literally life savers. They don't serve like other types of service dogs; they lead. They practice intelligent disobedience. All that for $500?
And you have to pay $15,000 for a dog that simply follows commands?

I don't understand it either. Like I said, sometimes I feel guilty when I hear how much other service dogs cost. The whole system makes no sense.

Anyway, the purpose of my rant is to question the motives of these people who want to regulate the business of training and certifying service dogs.

Maybe when they are also charging a minimal fee for the placement of their dogs, I will trust their motives.

In the meantime, people are people. They will lie and cheat as often as they can. I remember seeing sighted people wearing sunglasses on the buses in New York city in the 1980s so they could get their dogs onto the buses.

And that's where I get mad. Some of these dogs have been known to attack legitimate service dogs and fellow passengers! Is that safe for anyone? I wish this law had some teeth, so I didn't have to fear the teeth of other supposed service animals who are riding the bus with me. I don't want to stipulate who should have them. I just don't want Roofis the doberman getting on the bus because someone wants to bring him with him to show him off. If Roofis isn't trained to be social and behave in a civil manner on the bus, he shouldn't get on, and there should be laws that people aren't afraid to use to get him off. But if someone needs Roofis and he's a fine dog, then there should be proof that they can show from a third party, not a school, that says he's registered as a service dog. We shouldn't be afraid to ask for proof, and there should be standardized proof, not the kind you can buy from a random store.

My dog is as much a service dog as any that have been "professionally" trained.

absolutely. I would never stand here and question that. I know of privately-trained service dogs. They're still service dogs.

I'm tired of people threatening to take her away.

That would be exhausting. Some days I'm exhausted and all I get is the standard "can I pet your dog? ...How does she do that? ... Is that a new dog?" I would be completely worn down if I had to confront people all the time everywhere I went. Part of me is afraid we'll all be in that place if we don't strengthen this law somehow. If we can figure out a solution, I think it would benefit all of us. There is so much ambiguity in this whole dog thing. If we actually have to involve the police, they deal with this so rarely that they don't know what to do and would rather shift us to the backburner.

Thanks for the platform!

Jill

No problem. Thanks for writing so eloquently and bringing some of these thorny points to light. I've noticed that this subject is something that will raise the hackles of dog-users everywhere, and so it should. I just wish we could work out a system where all service dogs could prove their right to have their place and people who tried to squiggle through loopholes could be caught and dealt with.

Should I Send Them A Dime?

I got the strangest piece of junk mail the other day. It had two windows in it, one of which was around something hard and round. I showed it to Steve and we both wondered why someone was sending us coins in the mail. We opened the envelope, and the note inside, which was a solicitation for donations to the MS society, said "This nickel can help end MS." Then why are you, the ones trying to bring an end to MS, sending the nickel to me? Shouldn't you keep it? Wouldn't it be better spent in your hands?

Then I wondered how many end-to-MS-bringing nickels were sent out through the mail. Did they send a million? That means $50000 and that's just the nickels! Then there are the notes, and someone has to put those notes in the mail! I know you have to spend money to make money, but....nickels in the mail when you're asking for money back? I don't even get the significance of the symbolism. Was their symbolism? What exactly was the message? Maybe it was that before people donate, they should look into the MS society's level of administrative costs. I think they're heading down Madd Canada way.

What A Shitty Beginning

When I heard about the guy who, uh, left a donation in one of the toilets at the Toilet Museum, so many questions came to mind. My first reaction was, what the hell was he thinking? Would you go into a war museum and test fire a gun on display? If you were a pilot, would you try to fly a plane out of the aviation museum? I don't think so! But then again, maybe he thought it was one of those interactive deals like Science North where you get to walk over the bendy bridge, pet the flying squirrels, lie on the bed of nails and find out your blood type. Somehow, I think not. Taking a crap doesn't seem like something you'd want to make into a public and interactive occurrence. Then I wondered which exhibit he chose to use. Was he feeling adventurous and left the log in one of the holes in the ground representing the early history of the toilet? Or maybe he was hoping it wouldn't be found, so he left it in one of the exhibits representing the toilets of the future.

But the biggest question I had revolves around something he said when he apologized to the staff. He said that they told him that visitors were expected to use the public washrooms on the street. Street? So, in a museum dedicated to using the john, there were no actual facilities to use? Isn't that, well, an oversight? Wouldn't it be smart to think that maybe someone might have the urge to visit the little boys' or little girls' room after looking at so many implements of said room?

Now the staff at the museum have put "not for use" signs on all the exhibits. The museum has only been open for a week. I'm waiting for the next person who uses one of the johns to say he couldn't read the signs. Then they'll really have to consider putting public washrooms in the building.

It's a Dangerous School, But Not In The Way You'd Think

Wow. You know your school sucks when this shit starts happening.

Apparently, Jamaica High School has such a bad record, being called a dangerous school, that staff were sent a memmo instructing them not to call 911. It stated that only the principal or assistant principal were allowed to do this. Fifteen days later, fourteen-year-old Mariya Fatima took a stroke and no help was called for 94 minutes!

Nope, your brain isn't having a meltdown. That is the correct number. Everybody knows that if someone is having a stroke, you don't screw around. hell, if someone passes out for no apparent reason, you don't screw around. You get them help, policies be damned.

Now she has no use of one hand and one leg, had to relearn how to speak, has to receive home instruction, and is reading at a fifth-grade level. The genius who wrote the memmo, as well as his higher up have since transferred schools, no shit. Great job, fellas. Instead of having to worry about high crime stats, you can leave the school to worry about lawsuits, and it sounds like one is coming.

Add New Hardware Now!

This audio-playing vibrator is way too fancy. Let's count all the accessories.

• full-function silicone vibrator with interchangeable shafts

interchangeable? Ok then.

• 64 megabytes of Ram with built-in USB port

ram? I don't wanna talk about ram with vibrators. And ports? Oh dear.

• built-in microphone for voice and sound recording

What in the blue christ are they wanting girls to record? And...where is this microphone? I hope it's nowhere near the, um, essential parts.

• two pre-recorded audio fantasies

Oh boy. This is getting weird. What am I saying? It got weird when they started talking about ram and ports.

• PC and Mac compatibility

I didn't know there were PC and Mac vaginas.

• headphones and USB cable

That is way too much technology for a little fun. And it's way too much money. $99.95? You could probably buy a few pornos for a lot less, and they won't ever give you the blue screen of death.

Asalt with a Deadly Burger

Before our good friend Joe Clark gets all up in arms about my misspelling in the title, I did do it on purpose. I figured I should mention it since he tends to pipe up when homosexuality is discussed, and it's a stretch, but this story does involve meat between two buns.

This definitely smacks of abuse of power, and what an abuse it was. A McDonalds employee spilled some salt on some hamburger meat. She let her supervisor know, and she and some others tried to get it off. She even ate a salty burger, and it wasn't that bad. All probably would have been fine until a police officer, Wendell Adams, decided he wanted a burger and got one of the salty ones. Instead of doing the sensible thing of coming back, saying the burger didn't taste right, and getting another one, he chose to throw the salt-spilling employee in jail for the night on charges of misdemeanor reckless conduct because he says the burger made him sick. He even sent samples of the salty meat away to the state crime lab for testing.

What? So our streets are so safe and we have so little to worry about that we can waste everyone's time and the state's valuable resources fussing over a salty burger. If somebody jacked off on the burger, that would be a different thing. But it was a fucking accident! Not a fucking accident...you know what I mean. It was a mistake! And now this poor girl may have a criminal record. I hope to hell not, but if people can go to jail for having prescription drugs that they've legally obtained, anything is possible.

EekCard

Wow! The people behind the fake ECards are getting smart. Really really smart. They sent me one that I thought someone who was smarter than your average virus-infested bear might click on. It actually looked halfway convincing. Halfway? More like three-quarters of the way convincing.

It was an html email, right down to the link that says "click here to pick up your card" instead of the link that was just a string of numbers that led to an IP of certain doom. It looked exactly like a Hallmark page. It had their privacy policy, or at least something that said it was a link to the privacy policy. It had slogans of theirs. It had navbars. It was the hallmarkiest fake card that you ever would see. Their only mistake was misspelling receive. But hell, legitimate businesses can't tell the difference between then and than these days, so that's not even a horrible mistake.

I figured this was a fake because it didn't say who sent me this glorious joy-filled, or more like virus-filled ECard, so I copied the shortcut that said "click here" to notepad. sure enough, it was not a card. It linked to an exe file, and instead of being hosted on some obscure Russian server somewhere like I was expecting, it's being hosted on the Air Jamaica Jazz and Blues website. What the? I'd go there and let them know they've been hacked and are being used to spread viruses, but...I don't know how much of their site is taken over, and I don't want to find out. I know I have protection, but why put it to the ultimate test and find out what parts fail? That's for the professional supergeeks with test machines to do. I just wanted to let others know about this devious new twist so they don't unwittingly turn their computer into a test machine.

Attention all ECaard companies. You're screwed. Face it. You're done. Thanks to this stupid virus, nobody with any sense will ever open one of these cards ever again. Oh yeah. Most people don't have sense. I guess you can carry on.

A Long-Overdue Trixie Post

Man it's been a long time since I wrote anything about the Trixter. Let me look back and see when I last wrote about her. Oh god! I mentioned her in passing last week, but it's been almost a month since she got a full post! Good lord! The sad thing is some of these things have been in my head since that time and I just hadn't written them down. So off we go.

You'll be happy to know that Trixie's tail is all better, and got better pretty quickly. Within a couple of days, she had a moderate wag, and within a week, she was bak to her morning flop and snort routine. In those first few days, it was sad to watch her try and wag, and figure out exactly how much she could wag without pain. She would get going really furiously, and then you could tell she overdid it, and all waggling would stop. Poor thing.

I also learned that Trixie went to the Babs school of pill-spitting. For a while, because of a small skin infection she developed, she had to take antibiotics. for the first couple of days, she would swallow the pill pretty quickly and that would be that. But after a while, she decided that she didn't want these pills after all, and she was going to refuse to take them. She wouldn't take them if I hid them in her food, she wouldn't take them with a treat, nothing was going to work. She would even wait a few seconds, long enough for the pill to start dissolving, I would walk away, and then I would hear a familiar tui! And there would be the pill on the floor, the little rat. but the Trixter didn't know that I also learned a lot about this little trick, so I didn't go far, picked up the pill again, and oh boy did I stay long the next time! I won't be stupid and find pills under tables days later, like in the Babs days. It especially sucked when I found pills after they had taken Babs back. All I could think was, well I guess she missed a few doses then. I felt so negligent, but what could I do?

She has a good memory for people I know. I love it. She'll let me know if someone I know is nearby. One day, the rental agent for the building was in the parking lot. After we'd done what we wanted and were coming back in, she started walking the direction we always do, and then stopped beside the rental agent as if to say, "Did you want to speak to her?" She also remembers cars we've ridden in, and I think she's starting to recognize the colours of the cabs we always take when we have to take cabs. Plus, here's something fluky. I think she's figured out which numbers on the caller ID mean someone is buzzing us! I could be full of crap, but every time that number comes over the talking caller ID, she starts pacing and pointing her head at the door, even if I don't make any definite movements towards it. I know that seems weird, but it happens, so what amI supposed to think?

Trixie is hillarious. Hmmm, have I ever said that before? Every time I pull something out of my bag, or my drawer, or my cupboard, or anywhere, she thinks it's a toy for her! She is especially fond of my bank card, or my credit card, or things coming out of shipping boxes, or anything small and electronic. No amount of convincing seems to work to tell her no matter how much she sniffs my memory stick, it still won't become hers.

She's had her first bath. Now that was an interesting experience! Getting her into the tub was a challenge. She stared at it as if to say, "Nope! You can forget it! You want me to go in there? No no no no! You can stuff that idea right quick....unless...treats! Mmm!" and then she was in. How easy it is to bribe the Trixter. She was pretty good in there, but I got very wet trying to get her washed. Of course, at the end, she played her good old attack the towel game for a long time as I tried to dry her off. I was so happy she didn't sprain her tail again! I must have done something right, she smells much better again! So there's another milestone I never got with Babs. Trixie got her first bath.

Also, the toy I bought a month ago is still very much alive. There are marks, but it isn't caving in yet. A few bones have died, but we still have some left.

Trixie's even gotten me un-lost a couple of times. Once, I was out playing with her on the big lawn, and don't ask me how, but I ended up out at a sidewalk. I put the harness on her, and told her to find home. She didn't find home exactly, I think because home was behind us, but she made a couple of turns and got us back out on the main sidewalk so I knew where I was. Now that's cool!

I notice more and more that I like taking her on brand new adventures. I'll go somewhere I've never been with someone, and it doesn't stress me out that I'm just following their directions to go where we're going. I know Trixie will work like a little trooper. She'll have her moments, of course, but every day, she gets more and more awesome!

I'm such a loser. I still count the weeks I've had her home. We're up to 21 of 'em now. It won't be long until I've had her for half a year! Can anyone believe that? I sure can't.

More ADA Guide Dog Goodness!

Oh boy. First I was mad because regular folk could pretend their pets were service animals, and now I find out we're getting screwed over by blind people too!

Are you confused? I was at first. This is how it went. A couple got guide dogs from Leader dogs, another guide dog school. They were reported to have been abusing the dogs. The school sent someone out, and yanked the dogs' certifications to be guide dogs. They felt they weren't good as guide dogs anymore. They took the harnesses and ID cards, but let them keep the dogs! Why? If the dogs were being abused, wouldn't you take the dogs?

Now, the couple want to exploit the hole in the ADA that I mentioned before to use their dogs as guides anyway! Hello, imbeciles, are you trying to get yourselves killed? These dogs don't come cheap, so if the school revoked their certifications, there must be a reason for it. I know a cane doesn't feel the same as a dog, but you can suffer through having a cane until you get trained with a dog who *is* fit to guide. Just remember, after you get hit by a car because your dog didn't know what to do, that a mangled body certainly doesn't work the same way as a perfectly good one either.

Home Cosmetic Surgery?

Ok, explain this one to me. You decide you need cosmetic surgery. You find a couple who say they'll do it for a reasonable rate. You are brought to their office and find that their office is actually a filthy house filled with drugs and syringes and four children running around in it and you still agree to go under the knife? Why! Quelle surprise, the patients of this home plastic surgeon, Ha Nguyen, who had no medical license, end up with disfiguring scars. At least she did one good thing for the world. The really stupid can be readily identified by the marks she's left on them.

Click Here to Continue The Service

There was a vicar in England who:

• spat in a paritioner's face


• posted supposedly confidential cards where people had written their innermost thoughts


• had a bad temper and bullied people on the church board


• would not comfort paritioners when their parents died

but no one said anything until he...
• delivered the Christmas day service in Powerpoint!

*gasp* What a horrible thing to do! Now, a tribunal has assembled to decide what to do with him, and the slideshow sermons seem to be the major issue. Uh, shouldn't those other things go higher on the list? I can understand it being the straw that broke the camel's back, but the way the story was worded, it was like that was their major problem. People are weird.

Criminal Cat?

Steve and I were talking about ASBO's because of that story about that man who just loves hospital gowns and he told me about an ASBO being issued to a cat! Yep, it goes meow, claw, spit, hiss, chases string and anything that moves, including the neighbours in this one's case, and it has a criminal record.

Why why why? I understand why something had to be done. This cat apparently was spontaneously biting and scratching people. But an ASBO? Isn't there some kind of animal-related thing they could use? And they decided the cat needed Prozac. Ok then.

I think the best quote was his owner saying that the cat is "a cat's cat." Then why are you keeping him in the city? If he doesn't like people and likes to be all wild and unrestrained, maybe he doesn't need an ASBO. Maybe he needs a new home. Let him live in a barn chasing mice or something.

Don't Wizz On The Central Air Vents!

Every time I think about this search result, I giggle, then gag. Does that mean I gaggle? Har.

02 Sep, Sun, 20:51:24     
Google
:  If dog urinates on the outside central air conditioning unit is it possible the strong smell,feel of urine can go through the whole house?

I don't have an answer, but in response to your question, I have more questions. Did your dog just piss on the central air vent? That has gotta suck! If that's what just happened, have the days that followed given you an answer to your question? Where do central air vents hang out? Would it be easy for a dog to pee on it? Or did it have to go through some acrobatics to get there?

I wish I had an actual answer for the question. All I've gotta say is if this poor soul is searching for an answer, he's, well, barking up the wrong tree by clicking here. The sad thing is we're actually near the top of the results for that queery, and by posting this, I just pushed us higher. Oh dear. Hope life doesn't stink too much for our googling friend.

Don't Take that Born To Be Wild Thing Too Seriously There, Buddy!

Justin Patterson led police on a high-speed chase through two counties. Was he drunk? No. Did he have warrants? Nope. Why was he going so fast and driving like a complete moron? He was late for his test to get his motorcycle license. Well, after being charged with reckless driving, speeding 130 mph in a 55 mph zone, fleeing or attempting to elude police, failure to maintain a lane, leaving
the scene of an accident and passing in a no-passing zone, I think he'll have to be a lot later for that appointment.

Rock Bottom

This story starts off pretty boring. Michael Marburger was a successful salesman of medical equipment who then found himself addicted to booze and gambling, and fired from his job. So, to feed his addiction, he started stealing medical equipment. But the only medical equipment he stole was, well, colonoscopes. He would march right into 22 different hospitals in various states pretending to be a salesman or a hospital employee, go straight to the room where the thing was, and snatch it.

Why? Why only them? What the hell? Are they the most expensive piece of medical equipment? Does he have a fascination with them? He must, if he knows exactly where they are in so many places. I mean, if you're selling all kinds of medical equipment, you don't have a hope in hell of remembering where each piece is hanging out in each hospital. Did the loan sharks tell him they'd take his debts out of his ass, and that's what gave him the idea?

either way, he's going to prison for three years. I'm sure he'll learn lots about taking it up the butt.

Know My Name By Fear Or By Respect.

Wow, this girl needs to relax. Apparently, after a poor unfortunate family friend, who is probably no longer a family friend, mispronounced Megan Jane Conroy's name, she kicked him in the nads, sending him to the hospital with severe genetal bruising. Nobody can explain this outburst, she's never been this way before.

Dear little Megan, if I could count the ways people have butchered my last name, not to mention my first name, I'd have quite the list of casualties.

What's with all the weirdness. Is it a full moon?

Mmm...Sunchips!

Holy shit this is a day full of weird news. Have you ever thought about eating your newspaper after you've finished reading it? No? I hadn't either. Butthis woman from Edmunton has nibbled on it every day for 7 years!

Yup, you heard that right. She doesn't have Alzheimers, there's nothing wrong with her mind. She doesn't have any weird iron deficiencies that sometimes give people the urge to eat things that aren't food. She just likes the taste of it, and it has to be the Edmunton Sun.

She finally got a case of, well, sun-block, when a ball of paper blocked her esophagus and had to be moved down into her stomach with a scope. Now she's not so keen on chewing on the sun.

What the hell? What in hell would cause a completely sane person to start eating a newspaper? Did she lose a bet and she said she'd eat this newspaper if she lost, ate it, and then thought it was quite delectable? Even more shocking is the doctor's claim that the Sun was otherwise not harmful to her health. How can that be? Wouldn't ink be poisonous, especially after eating it for seven years?

Wow. What else can I say? That's just messed up.

Doctor Doctor, Gimme the News, I Got A Bad Case of Loving Hospitals

I really hope this guy doesn't ever get himself actually hurt, because if he does, no hospital in England will believe him. Why? Because he fakes injuries just so he can wear hospital gowns and get off on masks and syringes. He's assaulted nurses while demanding masks, he's even bought his own surgical masks so he can get off in the privacy of his own home, and he certainly never gives up, because right after he gets busted for one offense, he calls an ambulance to try again, and gets promptly busted for another one. But I guess he's become pretty recognizeable, because now nurses can look up his ASBO and send him away. The only way he can get into a hospital is by prior approval, although it doesn't specify who has to approve him. So now is he going to have to trick other people into vouching for him until he gets what he wants? That wouldn't surprise me. I'm sure all of this will come back to bite him when he really needs some help.

Let's Go Down The Robbery Checklist

Hold-up note? Check.
Hood? Check.
Glasses? Check.
Gloves so I won't leave prints? Check.
Bag for the money?
Uh-oh!

NEW HUDSON, Mich. (AP) - A bank teller apparently flustered a would-be bank robber - and foiled a robbery - after asking where the suspect's bag was to carry off the money, authorities said.

Oakland County Sheriff's Detective Tom Bisio said the suspect entered a Chase Bank branch Monday wearing a hooded sweat shirt, sunglasses and winter gloves. He handed the teller a small piece of cardboard that read, "Give me your money."

"He told a teller to 'hurry up,' but when she asked him if he had a bag to put the money into, it must have flustered him," Bisio told The Detroit News for a story Tuesday. "He ran off without any cash."

To his credit the guy must have learned something from the ordeal, since he A. hasn't yet been caught and B. is a suspect in a successful heist later the same day as well as 3 other recent ones in the same area.

Illegal Debriefing

This is one of these stories that just keeps getting our star of the show into more and more trouble.

Our star of the show is Judge Herman thomas, already suspended for some ethical concerns when these complaints came up, which puts him in a bad light from the beginning. Several defendants, and by several I mean 12, say they were either taken out of jail or summoned by the judge to a little room in the courthouse where he asked them to drop their drawers so he could paddle their buttocks with a wooden fraternity-like paddle. After one such spanking, he supposedly told the kid that if he'd been paddled as a child, he wouldn't be in jail now.

Investigators first didn't really give a lot of consideration to the complaints, since criminals aren't always the most credible of victims, but...12 of them? All saying the same thing? And jail logs of Herman coming to get some of them coinciding with when they say it happened? And the small room where they said it happened could be found? And it's not really suitable to be used as an office, but he has turned it into an office? And there's a secretary's chair that's got the seat almost cranked to the floor, perfect for, well, bending someone over for a good spanking? And he already has ethical complaints against him? Uh-oh, Judge, I don't think you're wiggling out of this one. It doesn't look good.

1924

Um, wow. My mouth is hanging open. I really think that the Ministry of Reshelving needs to ramp up its efforts, because the novel 1984 is looking less and less like fiction. Here's some creepy stuff for you. British police were spying on George Orwell because they thought he was a communist! They did this for years! Did he know this? Is that why he wrote the book? Reading the stuff out of these reports that have now been released makes me feel like I am back in that book. Here's a nice excerpt for you.

"[He] and Blair are on friendly terms and the latter is known to spend a good deal of time at the shop. He has on occasion conducted the business. Westrope is known to hold socialist views and considers himself an 'intellectual'."

For those wondering who the hell Blair is, that is Orwell's real last name.

Anyone have flashbacks of Mr. Charrington? I know he ends up being a spy, but the whole thing with the shop where he used to visit, and the way Charrington would share poems and history with him, I'm starting to wonder if Orwell rented his attic, and...

Now, Barbie, you really need to read 1984! Yes, I'm evil.

No! I! Don't! Speak! Spanish!

The images this story gives me make me laugh. Imagine a man going to Home Depot and standing at one of those self-checkout scanner thingies. The items he's buying? A pry bar and a hacksaw. He's waiting in line. When he finally gets to the scanner, he accidentally hits the button for Spanish on the machine and this is too much for him. He doesn't ask for help. He doesn't try to turn it back to English. Oh no. He unleashes an assault on the offending machine. With what, you ask? Why, with the pry bar he's trying to buy, of course. After shattering the computer, he runs away to the railroad tracks, leaving his purchases behind. Police haven't found him yet, and the Home Depot is crying at the $10000 damage he's caused to their poor machine.

Like the story says, thank god he wasn't buying a blowtorch. I say thank god he didn't decide to go to a human cashier!

There She Blows!

If you're the type of person who enjoyed the
big dump
story from last year, then boy have I got a treat for you. Click
here
to check out the Colon Cleansing Experiment, in which a man much braver [or perhaps dumber] than I could ever hope to be uses things not ment to be used that way to, well, you know.

I obviously wouldn't know myself, but I've been told the pictures are something to see, so be warned. Then again, if you're planning to click on this you're probably not the type to be bothered by it, so forget I said anything.

Hard To Find A Hard On

The folks at the world's only penis museum are
looking
for anyone willing to donate a human specimen.

In related news, the penis museum
actually does exist.

Is Brushing Really that Hard Or Are We Just Trying To Keep Some Inventors Busy?

Oral B will soon begin selling a
computerized toothbrush
that will tell you whether or not you're doing a good job of brushing your teeth.

The brush, called Triumph with SmartGuide, sends radio signals to a display screen that you can mount on your bathroom mirror. the screen then displays instructions on where you should clean, whether or not you're brushing too hard or not hard enough and how long you should keep it up.

The manufacturer is hoping that good old Triumph will be this year's must-have bathroom Christmas gift.

I can't speak for anybody else, but what I'm really curious about is what the must-have bathroom Christmas gifts of years gone bye were.

Felony Naming

The government of Venezuela is
working on legislation
that would ban parents from giving their children any names that would "expose them to ridicule, are extravagant or difficult to pronounce". The move would mean that there would be no more Supermans or
4reals
running around.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. On one hand I'm glad that somebody is thinking of the children and trying to put these dipshit parents who don't remember what being a kid is like in check, but on the other, the idea of the government regulating what I can and can't call my child isn't one I'm a huge fan of.

Crack Open A Cold One

Two South African men have been arrested after
stealing a hearse complete with corpse and using it to go on a pub crawl.

The men, who were not named, were reportedly busted when the vehicle ran out of gas and they tried to get 3 women they had met at a bar to help them push it.

The hearse's driver Siphiwo Mkhize said that it was stolen from his driveway where he had parked it for just a moment while he ran inside to get money for fuel.

John Dlomo, showing off some brilliant deductive reasoning skills that I'm sure served him well in detective school, stated that the 2 men appeared to be drunk when they were brought in.

I share this story for 2 reasons. Reason number one is that I found it funny, and reason number 2 is that I hope it makes anybody spending today recovering from some long weekend partying feel like a bit less of a loser for anything stupid they may have done over the last few days.

You're welcome.