You're A Mean One, Mr...Krieger?

I think Shawn P. Krieger has watched the Grinch movie too many times. What kind of prick steals a Salvation Army Kettle full of cash and pushes a volunteer? He hates Christmas does he? Well, I'm sure he'll hate Christmas in jail even more.

Big Brother, Got The Keys?

Hey there, gang of four bank robbers. It's good to leave the bank with the money, but your keys also need to come out of the bank with you. If not, well, it'll be a short trip to jail.

Baby Crazy

Sara Foss should meet with Theresa Winters. They seem to have a lot in common. Both have had 13 kids, with another on the way, and both seem to have the same determination to have more and more kids. Where Winters has had them all taken away, Foss just keeps poppin' 'em out in the hopes that one day she'll have twins. She, her husband, and the 13 little ones, most of them given horrible handles like Froto and Morpheus, live in a 3-bedroom house that I think is an affordable housing unit. I'm pretty sure that's what council house means in the UK. She's pregnant with no. 14. But it's not twins. Waaaa waaaaa waaaa!

Ok, first off, you should be happy you can have kids at all! There are some of us who may never have a single baby. And what message does that send to each of your kids that you did have? What do you think it is? "You're not good enough." That's what it is.

What I don't get is why she wants twins so badly. I mean, she already has enough work to choke a horse. Why does she want to take care of 2 or 3 babies at the same stage of life, needing the same care, when she already has enough kids? I just don't get it.

And lady, you can't just keep having babies infinitely. There will come a point when your body will tell you that it's had enough of this, and that message may come loudly and clearly, with horrible consequences. Do you want to risk that just in the hopes that you might have twins?

Some people are just messed in the head.

Crash Test Dectalk

Remember last night when I said I would stop talking about robot voices? Well...I can't just yet. I found two more gems! Oh the internet is a gold mine I tell ya!

First up is Dectalk singing Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by the Crash Test Dummies. Whenever it gos into the chorus, I can't stop giggling.

And our second one is some bunch of synth voices singing Frère Jacques in a round! Yup, somebody did this. Eek.

I swear, the stream of synthesized singing will stop. There's only so much of it out there...isn't there? Or will I just keep finding more, and more, and more?

That's Saying Actual Words?

Ok, I need to stop obsessing about all this old speech stuff.

Remember the Echo sample I put up? Well, it came from a whole file full of early synth samples. Some of these, I can't even understand. And some are amazingly clear. But they must have been made to do what they did by stringing together pre-recorded words. I once played with a program like that. It could only say words out of a lexicon it had been given. What it could say, it said very well. But if it didn't have a word in its list, it just didn't try. Rule-based synthesis? What's that? I was so sad when I figured that out. I wrote a big long sentence, and all it said was "was the."

So there's a history lesson in speech. I'm glad I found this. I think I'll stop digging up weird robotic singing and talking stuff...for now.

Twinkle Twinkle Great Big Net

Remember in that pile of singing synths, when I mentioned the Braille 'N' Speak singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Well, I found it! I used this device as my notetaker all through high school. It took me a couple of days of constant listening to even remotely comprehend this thing. Now it seems so easy to understand, but that's only because my brain was forced to adapt.

So there it is. Lost is found!

Disturbing the Peace While Getting A Piece...

Remember our old buddies Caroline and Steve Cartwright? The noisy lovers who kept a partially deaf woman awake with their very, very, very loud bumpin' and grindin' and screamin' and howlin'? Well, it looks like it's not getting any better. I'd love to be a fly on the wall during this court case. I can't imagine being so loud that the mailman complained! The mailman? Not only that, but the neighbour was able to record chunks of their...um...nighttime fun, and have the decibels measured. I also would not be able to stop laughing at their noisy sex being referred to as causing noise at the level of a statutory nuissance!

This story is bound to make you chuckle all the way through. Just imagining her trying to muffle her face with a pillow is enough to make me snicker. Or how about the description of the noises coming from that bedroom?

Marion Dixon, a council environmental health manager, took notes which said: "I heard a male voice howling loudly, which I felt was very unnerving."

Her colleague Pamela Spark called the sounds "hysterical, almost continuous, just screaming.
"I found it very disturbing and I noted that it sounded like she was being murdered."

Hmmm. Sounds like they could make a career giving love-making advice. Much thanks to Ann Adams for giving me the update on these folks.

The Plants Are Sharper Than The Humans

The idea of a guy shooting down a saguaro cactus just for something to do kills me, especially when the cactus fell on the shooter, killing him. Ha ha ha David Grundman and James Joseph Suchochi, but especially David Grundman, who shot the cactus and died. Those things can weigh 8 tons. Do you really want to destroy the supporting trunk of something that ways 8 tons when you're directly in its line of fire? You're not gonna make it...and your death is gonna hurt. That's 8 tons of spikes falling on you. tim-berrrr!

As an aside, this Snopes story sent me on the hunt for the song "Saguaro" by the Austin Lounge Lizards. Apparently they wrote a song about these losers, and I must hear it. That song is impossible to find, but these guys sound like a lot of fun from what I saw. So I took a gamble, and bought the album that has the Saguaro song on it. We'll see if it's even half as good as I hope it is.

Check out their website. They have quite a few albums that sound cool. The only annoying part is they have a sample player that keeps going and going and going. It's fun, but it makes it hard to navigate the site. For JAWS-users, if you hit the fourth button down that says 4 button, that should stop the music. Ro will have to tell us what she presses with Voiceover...if the silly flash doesn't make Alex cry. Oh, one more thing about the site. For some reason, IE has a bug up its ass and thinks this site is spoofed or something. I don't know what its problem is. It's their official website, and if you decide to buy something, all info is routed through PayPal's shopping cart system. So if someone can tell me why IE thinks the lizards are gone phishin', I'd love to know.

So yeah. Because of a story about a pair of cactus-shooting dumbasses, I just bought an album from an artist I've never heard before. Crazy stuff.

No Repeat Offending For That Kid...

Whatever you do, don't piss off Jamar Pinkney Sr. If you do, he might shoot you in the head. Jamar Pinkney Jr. confessed to his mom that he had inappropriately touched his 3-year-old half sister. When she called his father, Pinkney Sr, he came right home, pistol whipped him, took him to a vacant lot, made him strip down and kneel and then shot him in the head.

Reading this, I have to wonder if Pinkney Sr. was abused as a child and was never believed. I mean, it's not like he had a criminal record or anything, and to snap like that, there had to be something going on. That family is never, ever going to be the same, and sadly, the little girl will probably be no less free of guilt. Instead of being all messed up from the molestation, she might blame herself for the boy getting killed.

The Boy Who Cried Bomb

Hey there James Ronald Condren. If you're going to say that your brother made all the false bomb threats for which you're being tried, it's probably not a good idea to make another false bomb threat right there.

Shaken To The Core

This whole idea is just bad bad bad. Let me give you the scoop and then explain why I think it's a horrible plan.

Rita Marcalo, a British actress who has epilepsy, has decided that the only way to somehow bring public awareness about seizures, or something, is to try to induce one in public, and have people pay to watch. the show is called "involuntary dances," what a horrible name, and I'm not sure exactly when it is going to happen. In preparation for this foolish display, she has stopped taking her medication. She is also going to raise her body temperature, fast, and look into strobe lights during the 24-hour event. People will be given sleeping bags, but will be roused from their slumbers by a siren if she starts to have a seizure so they can videotape it with their cellphones. This show is being sponsored by an arts council grant.

Yeah, ok. I'm not even going to get into the argument of dumbasses choosing to copy her because they think it's cool. It could happen, but it seems people will copy anything they see these days. What bothers me more is the risk she's putting herself through. She's stopped taking her medication. That on its own could do who knows what to a body. I don't know if seizure medications are addictive, but they very well may be. Next, the distinct lack of the words "doctors will be on hand" worries me a lot. Seizures aren't just one thing. They cause the body to jerk, fall, lose control of itself. She could choke on her tongue. She could smash her head if someone doesn't know what to do. Worse, if they can't get the seizure under control, it could cause untold brain damage, and even death. And this is what she wants to induce.

And let's look at the other end of the spectrum. What if she is unable to induce a seizure? What then? Then people will be questioning whether or not she has epilepsy. Does she want that? And don't even start telling me they won't question it. The type of dicks who would pay to watch someone have a seizure are the kind of dicks who would be the first ones saying "maybe it's all a big lie." I have a pretty good feeling about this.

I don't know if I'll hear about how the event goes, but I may have to keep my ears open, not because I want to see someone have a seizure, but because I want to know if she ends up killing or severely injuring herself over this stupidity.

Seems I'm Better Off Whooping On Old Folks Than Kids

From the folks who brought youHow Many 5-year-olds Could You Take In A FightcomesHow Many 90-year-olds Could You Take In A Fight?

Answering as honestly as possible I scored 19, 1 better than I got back when we were working with the kids. Feel free to post your own scores and words of mockery in the comments.

Lots And Lots Of Doggy Thoughts

The other day, I said I had a dog-related post. Finally, I'm getting around to posting it. I warn ya, this one's a monster.

Back a couple of christmases ago, I got a Furminator for christmas. I love this thing. It's great for getting a whole lot more hair out than your run-of-the-mill zoom groom or slicker. But I have found there is such a thing as too much furminator. Woops.

I was a bad girl, and was grooming every day with the furminator. I figured as long as there was loose hair to lift out, it was doing a good thing, right? It would only get the dead stuff, right? So there I was, merrily grooming away every day. Then I started to notice that gee, her coat felt awfully dry, and she always liked to chew a wee bit, but the chewing had gone up a whole lot. She never made a raw spot, but it seemed like every time she had a free moment, she had to chew on herself.

Then I read a message that you can do the Furminator thing too much. So I've cut back to twice a week, and I think it's having the effect I want. Her coat feels softer, and her chewing has gone down some.

One thing that drives me crazy about having a black lab is these little flakes they get. I can't feel them when I groom, but people will comment on them. Apparently all dogs have them, but with black labs, they stand out more. Is there anything that causes them? Could the flake problem have gotten worse because I was over-furminating the poor beast? They always intensify right before I bathe Trixie, and then I don't hear about them for a while. It's really annoying to not be able to feel them at all.

It's hard to find doggy toothpaste now. I used to always get the same kind, and it was in a tube, and all was good. Then they started supplying it in a pump. But the pump didn't fit very well in the grooming pack, and I was grossed out by the smell of the stuff. It smelled like that gak slime stuff you could buy in the little containers. Yuck! Plus, when you got near the bottom of the pump, you ran the risk of having it explode all over the place. Once, it did, and that was hard to get off the Trixter. So I found some other toothpaste in a tube, but good god it's hard to force any out of the tube. I don't know what's up with this stuff. Who knew dog toothpaste could be so difficult?

God Trix loves her flexi runs. In fact, she gets mad if I grab the flexi and then have to run back for a bag. It's like she's afraid I'll put the flexi away. Trix, do I ever do that? Seriously? I really wish there was a closed area I could let her loose in the winter. I hate running with her on the flexi in the winter because it's so treacherous and I always have to slow her down a bit and spoil a bit of her fun so I don't fall on my ass. Anybody got any flexiing in the snow tricks? But then, if I could let her loose, there's the trouble of finding any of her poopy presents that she may decide to unleash. She always decides to let one loose while playing, even if I give her a chance to relieve before we get started.

Trix has had another bath. Before we went for the bath, I was worried she'd try and lead me on a great stroll to anywhere but the door to the groomers, but no sir, she marched me right to the door! It was beautiful. I so totally love bathing her at this place. I totally love the way she smells after a bath, too. I kept calling her Shampooch for days because she was the pooch that smelled like shampoo. It's so nice. The smell still comes out every so often when we get wet in the rain.

With all this construction going on, we weren't getting out to walk for the long walks we used to do. I wasn't too worried at first, but then I noticed her weight was creeping up a touch. I decided to get her weighed when she got bathed...and...eek, she had gained a few pounds! She used to sit somewhere between 53-55 pounds. Now she was close to 59! Eek! Then, as I was coming home from getting her bathed, my super, who never comments on Trix looked at me and said "Joo are feeding jor dog too much! She is getting fat!" This really freaked me out. I hoofed her to the vet and got her weighed there. Yup, their scales said the same thing. So I said I would cut her food back a bit.

She was eating 2 and a half cups a day. Stupid me, I thought I could cut her food by half a cup a day and she'd be fine. I have now learned that that was too much, and I will feel guilty about that forever. Things seemed to be fine, except I noticed her being a little more distractable than usual, and, well, she was pooping less. When I took her back to the vet two weeks after I started this for a weight check, I discovered she had lost all four pounds she had put on. Um, uh-oh! I expected it to take a little longer, it's healthier for it to take longer.

I asked the mailing list, and...discovered that I should have only cut back by a quarter of a cup. Oh dear! So I'm back up to the regular amount of food, and we'll just keep an eye on it. If she starts gaining, I'll just cut back by a quarter of a cup. Poor dog, I feel like I'm learning everything you can do wrong with you as my poor guinea pig. The bone, the furminator, and now this. I shouldn't have to be still learning after having you for 2 and a half years!

But I think she has found her own way to tell me what she thinks of being put on a diet. She has this inexplicable need to show me the door to Herbal Magic, a weight loss place. We have never been in there, but she's bound and determined that I should go there. Trixie, what are you saying? You think I should lose some weight?

I started investigating those relieving harnesses a little more, and discovered a few surprises. First off, the toll-free number listed on the site doesn't go where it should. Now you have to call 504-312-2609. Also, the relieving harness isn't 10 bucks, it's 20 bucks! Somebody needs to update the website. I know, the webmaster is gone without a trace, but let's work on getting a new one, shall we?

I'm not uber keen on getting one now. I mean, I don't mind paying 20 bucks, but the alarm bells are going off from my Mutt Mitt experience. It's kind of on the backburner for now. But I have her measurements if I decide to go that route.

I unintentionally taught Trixie a new command. It ended up sounding like "fuggoff." A few times, I'd notice Trixie going into the kitchen trying to do her snifferoo/hoover routine, and I'd look in her direction and go "Trixie, fuck off!" as in "You know you shouldn't do that. Don't make me come in there and chase you out of there." Then after a while, she picked up that fuggoff meant get outa there, you know that's against the rules. Trixie's too damn smart.

I feel horrible for that last one. I sound like such an evil human being. But you have to understand, she picks up on everything! Even words that are just silly have become meaningful to her. Take neeny tunnel for instance. This is going to take a lot of explaining. Remember how Steve and I have both talked about the construction dudes making all kinds of noise? Well, they had this thing they used to go up the side of the building, and whenever they were coming up the side of the building, it would make a noise that sounded like "neeny neeny neeny neeny..." So, Steve and I started saying things like "Doh! I hear neenying!" Or "the neeny men are back!" whenever they would come back to make our lives miserable with their jackhammering and other noise. Then, we started referring to everything to do with them with neeny. There was the neeny bucket that they would take up the side of the building, neeny fensing that they'd put around various areas, and most recently, the neeny tunnel, or the narrow space you had to stay in to get to the door. I think they created it to keep people from being hit with falling neeny bricks.

Anyway, now that I look like a total dork, one day, Trixie was gunning it for the door, and forgot about the neeny tunnel's sides. She was chuckin' along, when...kabonko! She hit the side barrier on the narrow space. Without thinking, I said, "Don't forget about the neeny tunnel!" Now, if she's too far left, all I have to say is "neeny tunnel!" and she'll squiggle over so she's in line to go in it.

One thing I noticed that she does that's weird is she tries to breathe in my cough. When I had that horrible cold back in October, sometimes I'd be bent over harnessing her up when I'd have to cough. I'd cough, and suddenly, her head would be extended right at my mouth. Honestly, Trix, you don't want to breathe that in. It's a good thing dogs can't get human colds.

I've known that Trix is curious about stuff, but good lord, she loves poppies and I don't know why. I don't even mean real poppies. I mean those Remembrance Day poppy things. I picked up a poppy before Remembrance day, and I picked one up for Steve too. As soon as I had them, Trix was going nuts trying to sniff them! Chief, poppies have pins, and pins hurt a shnoz. Shnozzes need to stay away from poppies. It was so bad that when I got home and got them out again, Steve had to take them so she would stop attacking them! Why didn't I notice that years before? I know one year I missed out on having a poppy, and felt bad, but I'm sure I've gotten them the other year. There's no way I didn't get a poppy in November of 07 and 08. I sure hope not.

And here's another episode of Carin still hasn't learned everything there is to know about her Trixter. The huppy, huppy's mom and I went to the Santa Claus parade. I would never have gone on my own, but it was for the huppy! I wanted to see what he'd do. Plus Huppy's dad had to work that day, so I went to keep Huppy's mom company. I have never really gone to an outside parade with Trix where we just sat there for a long time. So I didn't think to bring a blanket to put down for the poor Trixter. Trix was doing fine as long as we were standing, but as soon as I sat down and so she lay down beside me, she started to shakeshakeshake! The poor little thing. Huppy was bundled up nice and warm, so I ended up wrapping Trix in the baby blanket to try and keep her warm. Dumb old me, I'm always learning about new things I should have brought.

Trix was pretty unphased by the parade, even when floats full of dogs went by. But she did something hilarious at the end of the parade. I was walking back inside the mall thing near where the parade happened. I was following Huppy's stroller...or so I thought. Then I hear Huppy's mom yell from behind me, "Carin, come back!" We were following a stroller, but it wasn't Huppy's. Woops. Too many strollers!

One day, I had just finished running errands with Huppy's mom, and we'd come back to unload stuff. I was standing behind the stroller, and we were talking to Steve, and I started fiddling with the toys hanging from the stroller like I like to do sometimes because I'm silly. Suddenly, I see a really fuzzy toy. I was just about to comment with something like "Ooo! That's a new toy!" when I notice that it's not a toy at all. It's Trixie's head! It fit right in at that spot among the toys.

Last night, something happened to me that made me chuckle. I was getting on a bus downtown. We had to squeeze through a narrow space to get on the bus, and Trixie was having a little trouble. So I said, "Aww come on, hop on the bus, Gus," just because I felt like it. Next thing I know, the driver looks at me and says "So your dog's name is Gus?" I chuckled all the way home. I guess he'd never heard the song.

Remember what I said a while ago about Luther not doing so well? Well, It sounds like he's comin' along. I'm so happy to hear the treatment is working. Come on big guy, we're all pullin' for ya.

Let's end things with a few snippets of silly things the public has done lately to do with Trixie. I'm used to the kids yelling "Doggy doggy doggy!" What I wasn't used to was one saying "Doggy right there!" Eek. Now I feel weird that someone's definitely pointing at us. I can't explain it. I know I'm in a fish bowl when I'm out with the Trixter, but there's something really weird about getting pointed at.

One thing that drives me nuts is when people say to me, "I raise money for the school in Oakville. Did you get your dog from Oakville?" and when I say no, it's as if I have personally insulted them by not getting a dog from where they send their money. Chief, it's a free world, and there are several schools out there. Not everyone goes to that one. I chose another one. That's all there is to it.

Here's another dumb exchange I had with someone. I walked into Tim Horton's, which I guess is like a Canadian Duncan Donuts. Tim's is weird. They won't take anything but cash or mastercard. No debit, nothin'. I remembered this just as I walk in the door to Tim's. The lady was nice enough to help me get over to a convenience store so I can get cash. I got cash, and I was trying to get back over to Tim's. Granted I hardly ever do this, and this is a crazy parking lot, so I was being careful. The person at the convenience store saw me having trouble and came out to help. First off, she said, "Wouldn't it be great if you could just say go to tim horton's and the dog would go there?" I don't mind this question much. I laughed and said "If I came here enough, I probably could, but since I don't, I can't. She doesn't know the route since I don't travel it often." Then she said "How long have you lived in this town?" I said "Ten years," but before I can finish, she says "Then why doesn't she know how to find this place?" I said "I'd only had her for two and a half years, and she can't just suck in a city just like that. She just knows places I go to a lot." She still looks at me and says "Two and a half years is a long time! She should know where we are." Uh-huh. It was then that we'd gotten to Tim's, at which point I could just shake my head and go on my way.

And this isn't a snippet from the public, but more about how the public reacts to a guide dog. Does anyone know how to find that British skit about this blind guy with a guide dog? He walks in somewhere, and he's a really rude, gruff man, but all the people notice is his guide dog named Ross. I'd love to post a link to it if I can get my mitts on it. I think it's awesome, and a lot of it is true.

And this concludes the giant dog post. Hope you enjoyed it.

They Like Us! They Really Really Like Us!

Ro gave us a Thanksgiving award thingy. What a sweety. I swear we're the same person sometimes. I'm happy we never scared her away way back when she started reading our crazy stuff.

So the rules are you're supposed to pass this award on to five other blog authors who you think deserve a little something and explain why. Even though our Thanksgiving was done a month ago, this is cute anytime of the year, so off we go. Damn it I'd give it to Ro, but she already got it, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten it! And damn it, I'd give it to Emily, but she's already become a lucky recipient. By the way, Emily, congrats about Douglas! That is so awesome.

Hmmm. Where do I start? Maybe I'll start with Andrea because without her, we wouldn't have this new template. She seems like a fun person, and her little girl sounds cute cute cute!

The next one I want to give a little something to is Ann Adams. I wish I'd been able to meet up with her when I was getting Trixie. She's just all around cool, and she sometimes makes me think. I feel like I know her even though we've never met.

Another blog that can either be hilarious, heart-wrenching, or a combination of the two, is Sweet | Salty. I first started reading her when she had her twins way early and one of them was in rough, rough shape. Sadly, he didn't make it, and she wrote about the whole experience with such realism and deep feeling that you couldn't help but feel like you were right there with her. She's now written a kid's book, and I'm sure it's friggin awesome. I still wonder if it'll be available in alternate formats.

Jill is also awesome. She has lots of insight into both people and dogs. Speaking of Jill, hey, where've ya gone? We miss you on the comments! I hope you and Paxol are doing well. Please drop me a line some time.

And gees, how could I forget Thordora? Without her, I never would have met Ann, or Kate, or Andrea, since Ann introduced me to Andrea. She can be fun, and even her sadder, deeper stuff is thought-provoking. Plus I think everybody should watch this video. Isn't Vivian cute? I wish I had one of Rosalyn as well, but all her damn video players are embedded as transparent, so if I want a video link, I gotta dig it out of the source code! Blech! And that one I just sort of knew how to quickly find.

Edit: watch 'em both run to the hills.

So congrats to our five recipients. You guys all rock.

My First RDSP Wrinkle

Remember when I opened my RDSP? Well, I've found my first minor annoyance.

Every month, I've been plopping money in the plan, but I've been so busy with everything that I haven't been able to look over my options on how the money should be invested. I'd love to get lots of reward, but I also don't want to lose what I've put in. That would be a royal kick in the crotch. So I want to choose wisely.

Yesterday, I called the lady who helped me set up the plan and asked her if I could come see her and we could have a long and involved chat about investment options. I know her, I'm semi-comfortable with her. I thought this would be a good plan. But oh no, that was not to be. BMO says she can only start the RDSP's. Now if I want to do anything with them, I have to call the investment line.

In other words, when I have to make important decisions, I have to call and talk to who knows who, who doesn't know me at all. Plus, I always feel this sense of pressure when I'm talking to a random rep on the phone. The lady at the bank tells me over and over that they are not timed and paid by how many they can get through, but it's just a psychological thing. You get what you need over the phone as quick as you can. You know others are holding and need stuff as much as you do. I know someone's time is valuable when you meet face to face, but when you go see someone, you've scheduled that appointment, so you know that time is yours and yours alone.

So, now I have to track down my mom and dad's financial planner. He said I could talk to him, so I'll have to take him up on that. I'll have to talk to him over the phone, but he's not one of a million reps in a bank of cubicles taking zillions of calls. I can schedule a time and talk to him. Plus he knows my family.

I guess the lesson is if you have an RDSP and feel the same way I do about this sort of thing, either find a rep at the investment center and get their number and always deal with them, or find someone who you trust to discuss this stuff with. You can't just walk in the bank and talk to someone there. That's what I've learned, so I might as well pass it on.

It's Not Just Wood, It's Sonic Wood

Hey Joey Wallace. Find better ways to cheer up a girl than flashing Sonic employees, ok? And stay away from the booze when behind the wheel. Hey, maybe stay away from the booze altogether. If you weren't drinking, maybe you wouldn't have thought that was a great idea. Then again, you would have probably thought about it while sober, you just wouldn't have done it.

Take Car. Child Onboard

Wow, Donald Crawford, you're a fine dad. You took your five-year-old son in your big ol' semi to a strip club in an area known for its crime and left him out in the truck. You went inside and drank for 45 minutes, managing to get so drunk that you couldn't find your truck, so had to report the truck stolen and your kid missing. Luckily for you and your son, it was right where you left it. So you went off to jail and your wife had to pick up your kid. I hope there are some serious talks between you and your wife in your future about how often you take care of your kid alone.

Sam, John And The Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

"You're in luck," The surgeon said. "I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."

When Sam returned four hours later, the surgeon was waiting for him.

"I got done faster than I expected," he told sam. "John is down at the local pub."

Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. Wow, he thought, that surgeon does excellent work.

A few weeks later Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon.

"Legs are a little tougher," The surgeon said, "but I'll see what I can do. Come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours to again find the surgeon but no sign of his friend.

"I finished early, John's down at the soccer field," he was told.

Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. Wow thought Sam, that surgeon is amazing.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon once again.

"Gee, heads are really tough, but I'll try. Come back in twelve hours," the surgeon said.

When Sam returned, the surgeon was waiting for him as usual, but this time he didn't look happy.

"I'm sorry," the surgeon began, "but John died."

"I understand, I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are extremely difficult," Sam replied.

"Oh no, it wasn't that, said the surgeon, "he suffocated in that plastic bag!"

Yoomi Yoomi Yoomi, It Puts Warm Milk In His Tummy

For those of you who like your eggs pre-cracked and your coffee cans self-heating, here comes something else for you. Why stumble around the kitchen trying to remember how to warm your baby's milk when you can just press a button on the bottle, and it will heat itself? Seriously. The Yoomi, that's its name, has a button on the side that you can press, and a unit full of some kind of solution heats up below the teat. In sixty seconds, it's hot enough. Then as you tip the bottle, the cold milk passes through channels and gets warmed. It works for an hour and can be recharged 100 times. To recharge it, you have to submerge it in boiling water or put it through a steam sterilizer. Wait! If people can't handle warming a baby bottle, how are they going to handle throwing this thing in boiling water?

That's The First Place I Would Have Looked

Body Found In Car In Deadman Lake

A Review Of The Ho Ho Whole album

Remember when Steve depressed us with Bob Dylan's "Must Be Santa"? Well, here's a review of the whole christmas album. I love how the author calls one song unlistenable. Wow, something's worse than "Must be Santa"? I was hoping for some more details, but what are ya gonna do?

Wrong Said Steve

Perhaps all of you knew this already and I'm behind the curve, but Right Said Fred are still around and making...Yeah, I guess music would be the right word for this since I would listen to their new song a zillion times before I'd listen to anything in the current HMV Digital top 20 once. Lordy but those folks have gotta be deaf to like some of that crap.

Anywho, if you would like to hear the I'm Too sexy Guys' intellectual take on human anatomy,click ye here and listen to Sexy Bum.Words are failing me in a serious way right now.

Why do I have this horrible feeling that this thing is going to end up in a resort commercial at some point?

I'm Not Circling, I'm Trying To Get Away

If this post seems a little disjointed don't worry, that's how it's supposed to be. I thought I'd try doing a bad song review the way I do them in emails to people, stream of consciousness as it plays, without much editing. Not sure I'll do it again, but it's fun to try new things sometimes.

This is not at all how I needed to start my musical day.Flecton Big Sky - Circling Your Town.This is, however, the exact sort of thing that comes to mind when I think of insufferably shitty songs...which I suppose explains all of the flies in the video.

Does anybody know what the hell the words to this song are? I can't find the lyrics and somehow they've mixed this in such a way that I can't make them out. I can hear enough to tell that they don't seem to rhyme or make much sense, but other than that I'm totally lost as to what this 10th rateric Ocaseksounding fellow is trying to tell me. Sorry for the comparison Ric, I'm not trying to insult you. I'm just writing these thoughts down as this song plays and you were the closest thing to a sound alike I could come up with. At least your poor singing sounded cool and wasn't nearly this poor.

Thank God this is only 3 minutes long...3 minutes an 11 seconds. Hey, it ended with a few seconds to spare, so I guess it's not all bad.

The Hoople Mobility Aid: Anybody Ever Heard Of It?

I'm reading some documentation about wayfinding techniques for blinks and others with other disabilities, and in the definitions section, it mentions the Hoople Mobility Aid. It's supposed to be an alternative to the cane, and amazingly, it's not full of electronics. It sounds kinda cool! Is there any reason it didn't take off? Or did it, but only in the UK? What does it look like? I sort of kind of know but I can't quite picture it. Are there oodles of UK folks walking around with hooples? Somebody enlighten me.

You'd Hope The Police Would Know Better

I found this headline in some news briefs in yesterday'sGuelph Mercury.

"Police catch allegedly drunk thief while driving stolen car"

Gee, Thanks, How Thoughtful

Ya know, I needed ideas of things to get people for Christmas, not things not to get people for christmas. But thanks for the handy dandy list of things to avoid. Can you imagine opening up one of these things on christmas? Just imagine the facial expressions of you and everybody around you. Uh, that'll be awkward.

Dear HMV: Thanks For Most Of The Songs, But It Should Have Been All Of Them

I just finished picking out and downloading my10 free songsfromHMV Digital.Thanks for all the suggestions, ya bastards. Quite the helpful bunch you all are. Don't worry, I probably wouldn't have wanted to suggest anything either.

Anyway, I figure I'll list what I bought and then do a little complaining.

• Colin James - Chicks 'N Cars (And the Third World War)
• Colin James - Five Long Years
• Colin James - Just Came Back
• Colin James - Keep On Loving Me Baby
• Colin James - Voodoo Thing
• Great Lake Swimmers - Pulling On A Line
• Roy Acuff - Old Age Pension Check
• the New Lost City Ramblers - Sales Tax On The Women
• Free Energy - Dark Trance
• Free Energy - Free energy

The reason there's so much Colin James on there is that I was replacing a few songs that I lost in the great crash of 04 or only had in really bad quality. And yes, for anybody who would know, I am aware that there's a third track on the Free energy EP, which means it's time to start the complaining.

Apparently when HMV says free tracks up to a maximum of 10, they aren't fucking around. so serious are they about this limit that even though I had an extra track in my basket that I was aware of and fully prepared to pay for, they were not going to let me have it. they also were not going to let me in on this little secret, leaving me to discover it for myself while I downloaded my tracks 1 at a time thanks to the uselessness of the download manager. At least it was only one song, I would have been right pissed if I had taken the time to load up 20 or 30 of them.

Seriously, what the fuck? Is subtraction really that complicated? I thought all shopping carts could just do that. You buy so much, you get so much free. You punch in your code and the magic just happens. That's the way it's always been...until today. If it was an oversight or a programming error, please fix it. If that's the wayh things are supposed to work, whoever decided that is a goddamned idiot. Why would you want to annoy your customers by wasting their time and cost yourself money by not allowing people to pay for things they want? In my experience an annoyed customer isn't usually a repeat customer, so I hope change is on the way.

Ok, I'm done now. Hopefully I don't have to have this talk again. I'm going to go enjoy some music and lunch now. Bye.

A Perfect Day

Since the Survivor Series was Sunday, it's time for a quick update on how I'm doing in the prediction contest I'm not winning.

I'm still not winning, but a few more showings like I had on Sunday and it's not impossible that I could be. I went 6 for 6, my first perfect event! I'm now sitting at 17 points for the year, while the person in the lead has 26. Looking down to the bottom of the list, it appears the guy with 3 points now has 4. Movin' on up, woo!

I thought the Survivor Series wasn't too bad, but I still hope nobody ordered it. It deserves a 0 buyrate based on how terribly uninteresting most of the TV was leading up to it. If you have 3 hours to kill you might want to watch it, but it's not worth $40 to do so so find somebody with a tape or see if the internet has a copy lying around (hint hint, it does).

It was cool to see Miz, Sheamus and Drew McIntyre treated so well on the show. New guys don't usually get good nights anymore or if they do they're almost immediately ruined by stupidity on the next show. They looked strong winning their elimination match and even got some interview time later on to try to establish themselves a bit more. It seems like they have plans for Sheamus and McIntyre, but Miz has been started and stopped before so it'll be interesting to see if they stick with him this time. I feel bad for poor Jack Swagger though. He's arguably the most talented and deserving of a push out of all the guys on his team, but he was treated pretty much as an afterthought here. I don't like his odds since they dropped his I won't lose another match this year gimmick after only a few uninspired weeks and now he got pretty much jobbed out like a goof on pay-per-view. He should have never been moved to Raw, but sadly that's the case with pretty much anybody who looks to have a future lately Sheamus excluded so far.

Batista vs. Rey Mysterio was exactly what it should have been even if Rey wasn't leaving to get his knees fixed.Dave the Turtlebeat the hell out of him, the match was stopped and then Rey was killed some more and carried to the back. The only problem with any of this was that they made the mistake of doing it in Batista's hometown so he was cheered like a motherfucker. In fairness to WWE I wouldn't have expected him to be cheered quite so much given how popular Mysterio is, so this isn't one you can really blame the booking for. It sounded like about 95% of the crowd was hoping for a death while a few kids were fearing for poor Rey's life. I'm interested in how or if they'll edit this for video packages and replays, because as it is one of their new top heels looks like he's the top face while beating up one of the actual top faces. Speaking of heels and faces, I'm not sure if it's because it's different or if this is how it actually is, but Batista comes off so much better playing the bad guy tossing smaller dudes around than he did as the good guy playing to the crowd. Face Batista had gone about as far as he could have gone a long time ago, so the change can do nothing but good.

Team Kingston vs. Team Orton was nothing special aside from the continuing elevation of Kofi Kingston to main event level. WWE is on to something here. I can't fucking stand Randy Orton and I wish he would just go away, but if he can help make a new star using his inexplicable popularity his sleep-inducing presence on my TV will at least be justified for a while.

I don't have a whole lot to say about the rest of the show. I enjoyed the 2 title matches and the women's elimination match was a women's elimination match. Surprisingly I thought the DX and Cena 3-way was a bit better than Jericho vs. Undertaker vs. Big Show, which I was looking forward to more than anything else going in.

The next PPV is in about 3 weeks (Jesus Christ!). Hopefully I can carry some of the good luck I had this week into that show and move myself up the standings. I'd like to finish in the top 5 or at least the top 10 if possible. If WWE keeps booking wisely like they did here and refrains from making stupid decisions to try to fool people I think I can do it, which means only one thing. Top 25, here I come!

It's A Bone Phone

A man was just hangin' out in a grocery store parking lot. He asked a woman if she wanted to see something. Before she could say yes or no, he showed her pictures of a dude's junk that he had on his cellphone. She went to police. They found pictures of at least three different penises on his phone. His name?Stephen Joseph Woods. Yup, he definitely had lots of woods on his phone.

Behold Our Singing Screenreader Collection!

I don't know how I got thinking about this, but this old post floated through my head, and I realized that the site it links to has died and since been bought up by some nondescript software and domain-selling' thingamabob. No, that page isn't going to have singing computers on it. Nope, none at all.

What's that, you say? Singing computers? Yup. This post is dedeicated to all things electronic that were not designed to sing, but some musical geeks had bent them to their will. So if you don't want to hear computers sing, you can just skip on by this post.

There was a whole page of files constructed using something called Vocalwriter that made electronic speech synthesizers sing. This guy had way way way way too much time on his hands and decided that the synth should sing the Beach Boys, and other assorted old songs. He did a fine job of it. There's no way I could do that even if I knew how.

So, through the miracle of server space, I decided to bring some of these files back to the net. If anyone out there has more of 'em, email me, and I'll see what I can do about finding them a home amid their friends.

So let's go. How about we start with some Beach Boys? Here's Barbara Ann, Wouldn't It Be Nice, Fun Fun Fun, and Surfin' Safari.

Had enough of the beach? How about we listen to some Tie a Yellow Ribbon? That one's just freaky good. Or how about some Huey Lewis and the News-impersonation? It's more than alright, it's damn good. This song has a special place in my heart for some reason. I listened to it for a while obsessively. I don't know why the winter of 05 was such a downer, but it was, but this song always gave me something to smile about. Wow. I've just proclaimed myself to be the largest loser around. Actually nno, this song makes me out to be the largest loser around. Rhythm of the Rain used to make me cry. Not the real version, this synth version.

We also have Don't Worry Be Happy and A Whole New World.

Two more, because they were mentioned in the original post's comments, and they are good. Here's Eternal Flame, and just because Matt loves this song so much, For the Longest Time.

But I'm not done, oh I am so not done with all this singin' electronics. There was another fellow by the name of Patrick Perdue. He made a whole heap of files, but his site, woefully, has fallen down. Luckily, I was smart and I grabbed as many files as I could before it took the internet dirt nap. So let's see what this man had made. Keep in mind he made some of these when he was 15! Gees! What the hell was I doing when I was 15? I'm not sure where to start, because his files consisted of a vault o random weirdness.

Let's start with two that I should have put up the other day when I was talking about JAWS rapping. Here's what Dolphin thinks of JAWS. And judging by his other song about Dr. JAWS, you'd think he'd be happy to see him go, but...he's almost sad! For some reason, this one always gave me chills. I can hear it now. "loser alert! Loser alert! Step away from the loser!"

To further cement my loser status, there's this virus song, which convinced Carin the naive that she had a virus. My poor computer was put through a thorough virus scan just because the song said "You have a virus, tell your computer so long." But I did discover that it wasn't turned into a crappy, crappy, crappy, crappy, cruddy old computer. I should have sung that song when my computer before this one bit the big one. It sure was cruddy, and did want to die. It seemed to have suicidal tendancies from as early as four months of age when it blew a regulator while doing fuck all.

Moving right along. Let's go poison some pigeons in the park, shall we? I have to give him credit for getting me into Tom Lehrer. I always just knew him as the poisoning pigeons in the park guy. How does one find more of his stuff on that alone? But with a name, ah...the world opens up. But be careful whhile poisoning pigeons in the park, because...there's shootin' in the park. At least there was one day. Uh, Patrick? You have issues. But we love ya anyway. I'd just like you to know that damn song gave me nightmares.

Maybe after the shootin' in the park, a dectalk cried over his lost friend. It's not really a song, but holy hell. He made a dectalk cry! Like, uh, wow. Even with its limited inflection, it was sobbing! It also yodled! Then finally, it said Bye-bye, Farewell, I'm Leavin'.

Here's one I almost forgot I had. Dectalk likes to sing about Scotland.

He even made things sing that don't have the remotest possibility of singing. I'm kicking myself for not saving the file of the BNS singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Bad Carin, bad! So if anyone has it, oh please, won't ya please send it my way? But on to the things I do have. First up is Doubletalk begging for a Gateway computer. How in hell did he even do that? When I used that synth, I only knew of ten pitches that it had. Obviously, I was not exploiting its full potential. But we already knew that. Next up is Flextalk asking Daisy to ride the bicycle built for two. This one, I don't even know what it's called. It says it, but I can't make it out for the life of me. Can you? At any rate, it doesn't think it has a very good voice. And finally, we have Eloquence singing. That is eloquence? That's news to me. But I'll take his word for it. He created the file after all.

After that pile of weirdness, let's get back into duplications of mainstream music. He did the chorus of Yellow Submarine, no, yella submarine, just as a test to see what he could do. Yeah. With drums, and harmony and all that. And his final creation, a creation that is unfinished, but I think is his masterpiece, is Bohemian Rhapsody as sung by Dectalk. Yup, the man's a genius. I wonder if he ever finished it.

Another guy who likes to make Dectalk sing, and apparently is a big Tom Lehrer fan is Bob Prahin. Here's Tom Lehrer's I'll Hold Your Hand In Mine, The Old Dope Peddler and The Irish Balad, more commonly known as Rickety Tickety Tin. But it's called the Irish Balad damn it. Prahin also did Lullabye of Birdland and You Are My Sunshine.

Another fan of the singing synth is Sam Taylor. He's got rhythm! It's also his birthday, the jolly good fellow. Because it's his birthday, he's probably out partying. So leave him a message. When he gets back to you, he might be still singing Zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

And now we're into the random files department. I don't know who did Ozzy's Crazy Train, but you're funny.

And here's a look back to some old synthesizers that Steve and I suffered through. And people think eloquence is bad? Next time someone grumbles about the roboticness of eloquence, please, oh please, tell them to listen to the Accent! But as much as I slag it, it can figure out the difference between present and present, and record and record. JAWS can't even figure that out sometimes.

And here's one just for you, Ro. You use an Apple, right? With your almost living, breathing Alex? Well, get a load of Alex's grandpa! Not the human at the beginning, the droning thing after that. We had to listen to something close to that reading all of our work and playing all of our games with us. Granted there was no internet for it to surf, but...ug. That was the voice we had. And we liked it! Oh god I sound like that scary old man who talks about how things were in his day.

Is your internet connection choking yet with all the downloading? That was fun. And remember, if you have more, give me a shout. Don't just start firin' 'em at me. Ask me first. I might already have them, but I may have forgotten they're kicking around.

Puppydog Tales

Aww. I'm so disappointed. Remember a couple posts back in that one about the weather man who was stalking that woman? Remember how the story mentioned him being let go over a situation involving his dog? Well, I did some googling, and the story's not that interesting. I guess he usually had his dog on the air, and then some contract crap happened, and his dog was pushed off the air. Booo. That was not as fun as I'd hoped. Oh well, mystery solved.

I also notice he started up a dog-training business. My advice to you is tell him "Don't call us, we'll call you." You don't want that nutbar having your phone number, even for business calls.

It's A Pile of Thoughts!

This is a pretty sad state of affairs. I've been meaning to write some random stuff down, and started compiling a list about two weeks ago...and I'm finally starting to write it. I have so many things written down that I thought I'd better split it into dog and non-dog posts. So let's start with the non-dog stuff, because believe it or not, it's a shorter list!

I don't know what I'm going to do when this kid I call the huppy gets bigger. What will he be then, the artist formerly known as Huppy? Huppy was fun for a while, but part of me says it's outliving its usefulness as a name for the little guy. But neighbour's baby just takes too long, and he won't be the baby forever. I know his mom isn't down with the little guy's name going up on the blog, and I can't say I blame her. Any thoughts on a new good name?

But I wanted to talk about the adorable little guy for a while because he's just so cute. He's really changing, and you can see his little personality coming out. He giggles a lot, and people say he gives the biggest smiles. He's starting to make little ba ba ga ga goo noises now, and he still won't let me catch them on tape! What a rascal! But he loves to grab stuff, wave it around...and put it in his mouth. He has two teeth now, and the mouth is everything's new destination. You can almost hear him say "Mmm...key strings. Mmm...phone cords. What? I can't chew on that? Booo. Mmm...hands. They can be my own hands, or someone else's hands, it really doesn't matter. They're finger-lickin' good!" The other day, he just grabbed my hand, brought it close to his mouth, then stuck out his tongue and licked it and licked it and licked it again. Are ya a dog? I didn't know my fingers tasted so mmm mmm good.

He's getting very good with his little hands. He has figured out how to open and close the face on my braille watch. He loves it so much that he gets mad when his mommy's own watch doesn't open.

But he knows what his little hands can and can't do. One time, he grabbed my hand and placed it very definitely on his seatbelt buckle in his stroller seat. I could have sworn he wanted me to take it off. Sorry bud, I can't follow that order, little man.

We took him to the Santa Claus parade. We wondered how he'd handle all the noise and activity. He seemed to love it. The only sad thing was he slept through Santa! He was awake for lots of other things, but it was all too much by the time the man in red made his appearance. Ah well, he's only five months old. He has an excuse.

Every time I look at him, I can't believe how different he is from when he was a newborn, just a little under 7 pounds. Since I was the youngest in my family, I never got to watch a baby grow up this closely. All the baby cousins I ever saw, I'd see at family gatherings months apart. So one time, I'd see a brand new baby, and the next time I saw that kid, they'd be seven months old. That's just not the same as watching this little guy daily.

You know back the other week when I broke the internet label? In picking through that label, I noticed that when you're going backwards through the blog, that's an even weirder experience than moving through the blog in fast-forward as I've had to do when labeling and titling posts. It's weird to see Trixie be there, and then fade out of view, or see references to someone passing away, and then them being alive again. I'm weird. I think too much about the circumstances surrounding a post even when just doing geekery with the post.

Back a while ago, Steve talked about being skunked at Uno. Now, that's happened to me, and at the worst time. Somebody was trying to figure out how to play, so asked me to record a round where I won. Well...I lost every single round in that whole game. I think certain five-month-old babies have been talking to my Uno game, telling it to thwart my attempts at a good recording.

God, living in this city is going to turn into great barrels of fun over the next few years. Why? Well, the city received heaps and clumps of government dough to do construction projects. That means that at one point or another, some part of this town will be covered with barriers, removed sidewalks, and other assorted goo.

Right now, one of the sections that's ripped to hell is the section near the corner they're thinking about turning into a roundabout. This has meant that the Trixter and I haven't been able to do as many long walks as we used to do because it's just not safe. One of the last times I walked down there, I had to give Trix a giant hug because she saved me. We were truck truck truckin' along, and she came to a dead halt. I noticed construction crap, but thought we just had to pass through a narrow place. I told her to try, but she wouldn't move a little doggy paw. Then I glanced around and noticed white lines! Oh my god, we were at the corner, and I had no idea because the curb was gone! I crossed that street along with someone, ran into the store I wanted to visit, and swore I would not be back here until the construction was done.

Then I had to go to the library, a place right at the corner that was all screwed up before, which is the reason I'm even posting about boring old construction. I called the library, said I was blind and needing to come down there, and asked them where the construction was in relation to the library. To be more specific, I asked if I was walking down Woolwich Street from Speedvale Avenue, would I be able to safely walk to the library. The woman said "Oh yeah, you should be fine." And I believed her. Oh my my, what famous last words.

I was zippin' along, enjoying the warmth of the day and this kind of a walk that we haven't been able to do. I crossed a street about 3 blocks back from the library, and noticed a lot of construction-related noise. I also noticed a distinct lack of pedestrians. This concerned me, since people are always around down here. But I hoped that the noise was just carrying, and it was further up. I was chuckin' along when...pooof! There was no longer a sidewalk. I have never been a religious person, but it was at this point that I was willing to start praying to any god that would listen to let me get through this construction site unscathed. I was especially worried about my dog, since she would be less visible than I. Just then, a big construction dude came along and guided me through the mess, which included walking through a closed intersection. When I was clear of it, he said I was about 50 feet from the library.

Do you realize what that means? It means if that woman had looked out her window, she could have given me a real answer. There is no way, if I was walking from that direction, I could have missed the construction. One of the intersections between here and there was closed for god's sake! And it wasn't like she even asked me what side of the street I was walking on.

When I got to the library, my heart was just pounding. I got what I came for, and told them my predicament. I could not walk home because that would mean walking back through the construction, and I was not about to tempt fate twice in one day. A nice staff member walked me towards the buses, something for which I'll be eternally grateful, so I could get home by bus because the corner there was still ripped up.

So the moral of the story is, if someone asks you to look out the window and tell them if it's safe to get to you from a certain direction, please try and give an accurate answer. If you don't know, just say you don't know. It's safer that way. I will then search for someone who does. I thought that someone who works in that part of town would be able to give me a good picture of where the construction was. That, I have learned, was a wrong assumption. I would have consulted the city's website, but it talks to you as if you're a driver, not a pedestrian, so it doesn't tell you what sidewalks are ripped up. That's why I asked the employees at the library.

My only other thought is maybe I wasn't clear in the way I asked the question. I said I was walking, I said I was blind, and I said which direction I was coming from. Is there anything else I should have thrown in there? Or was that all too much information and they zoned out before I was done? Ug. I need to perfect my ways of getting info out of people, since this whole city is soon to become a big construction zone. I don't need a round 2 of the library.

What day is it? November 22. Yup. And what have I bought for anyone for Christmas? Sweet dick all! This is not good, this is not good, this is not good. Last year, I was just about done by now. That is not going to be the case this year.

It sucks. I have 0 ideas of what to get anyone. Last year, the possibilities rained down on me from all directions. This year, the well is dry. I hope some ideas start coming soon, otherwise I'm all outa luck.

Part of the reason I went to the Santa Claus parade last Sunday was to hopefully get me into the spirit of things, which I hoped would prime the Christmas gift idea pump. It didn't seem to work too well. It did give me something to add to this thought splatter. The person who rings the bells in the church nearby decided to get creative and make the bells play christmas tunes during the parade. I don't know which church it was, since there are a lot of churches downtown. I thought that was awesome...until he started screwing up! Then the bells sounded like they were being played by a small child who is practicing piano. I think the worst screwup was the flat notes in "O Christmas Tree." Ouch. When bells go flat, they hurt hurt hurt. But maybe I don't understand the complexity of making bells do unusual tunes. Maybe that's crazy hard. Making the bells play christmas music was an awesome idea. Just next time...um...can you practice a little first?

Then again, how does one practice on bells? Every time you play them, they kinda broadcast to the world. Can anyone tell me what it's like to play big church bells? Are they anything like a piano? Could you practice on a piano and that would help with the playing of the bells? Ah, since I'm having to put all this thought into it, maybe I should cut the poor fella some slack. It was a cute idea.

I noticed something over the last little while about the limitations of my phone's t9 dictionary. It doesn't have a lot of food-related words in it. I wrote a small grocery list on the notes area of my phone, and good lord, every other word, I had to add. Then, later on, I was writing down point form notes to jog my memory about something, and the phone could spell misconception! What? The phone knows how to spell misconception, but not croutons? That's just weird.

Dear mother nature: I know that earlier this fall, I called you a miserly old witch. I take back those words. How wrong I was. You just decided to be differently generous. This beautiful weather can keep on comin'. I know, I have to face the snow and all that stuff, but every nice day we get is a gift, and I chastize myself if I don't use it fully. It's like the dreams I kept having in early spring where I would dream that I would wake up and find the ground covered in snow. I would realize it was December and that I had taken this whole spring and summer for granted, and the snow was back, and I would stand in the snow, crying. Then I'd wake up and laugh at myself because the winter was far off. Now I think about those dreams if I don't milk these days for all they're worth. If I had any sense, I'd run around like an insane person and get all my christmas shopping done before the snow hits...oh yeah, I need to know what I'm buying first.

And that's about it for now. Hope you enjoyed my mass of silliness.

Get Your Free Energy Here!

I've decided that I need to start putting more of the music I'm sent to use. Between stuff from the news feeds I watch and the stuff that's sent to me from my days as music editor at the late sorta kinda maybe greatish Salty Ham, I have a lot of free tunage just hanging around. I'll be honest, most of it sucks. I don't mean sucks like it needs one of those posts that people tell me they love, I mean sucks like I listen to it for about 30 seconds to a minute and then have to give up because I have better things to do with my day, like trying to pluck out my eyes with a crochet hook.

But now and then I do get some good stuff, and I want to share more of it to spread good music to the world.

Case in point, this song by a band called Free energy. The song is called Free Energy (yes it's quite creative). It's very catchy and reminds me of something I can't quite put my finger on. I have no idea when their debut album comes out, but judging from this song it's an album I may have to investigate further and quite possibly buy when it does.

You can both check it out and rock out by clickinghere.

Sing the Roundabout Song

Back at the beginning of the year, I talked about the roundabout dance ad campaign. I got thinking today that I should put up the mp3 of the song for two reasons: 1. the song is catchy, and 2. the words scare the hell out of me. So, may I have this roundabout dance?

Do the roundabout dance,
point your finger to say,
I'm crossin' here,
I'm walkin' this way.

In the roundabout dance,
watchin' traffic flow,
cause you decide
when to step out and go.

In the roundabout dance, in the roundabout dance...

Keep watchin' those drivers,
are they watchin' too?
When they slow or stop,
there'll be time for you.

In the roundabout dance,
in the roundabout dance.

Are you scared now too? Look at how many references there were to looking at drivers, getting their attention, and you deciding when to step into traffic. Yeah, that's gonna work swimmingly for me. Real good idea.

But enjoy the song anyway. I hum it whenever I approach the corner they want to turn into a roundabout. It enters my head about two blocks back.

Donna Jodhan Wishes You A Non-Mainstream Day

I wasn't going to link to this post because frankly, I don't want any more people seeing this attrocity of an "advocacy" website. I think it has the potential to set us all back years. But when I showed the post to Steve, I decided that yes, in fact, more people should see this post so we can unite and send a message to this woman.

So, whenever you're ready, read this post. Now that your blood pressure has returned to normal, I encourage you to let her know how you feel about that...whatever that was. Just be warned that she has a CAPTCHA in place, something I find highly ironic since she's blind, and some blind people can't solve captchas for a myriad of reasons. So if you're blind, either listen to the helpful fellows from India or power up ye old captcha-solving tool of choice. Also, have a copy of your comment elsewhere, because if you get the captcha wrong, mmm...your comment becomes a meal.

And this woman calls herself an advocate. Yikes!

Cash Lab

I'm such a neurotic weirdo. I can't believe I'm doing this.

I was watching Cash Cab, you know how much I love Cash Cab. At one point, he asked something about a dog with powerful jaws and asked which one it was that was named after Canada's eastern-most province. The answer was Newfoundlander. Whatever. But one of the passengers said "Labrador", and poor Adam said that Labrador retriever was not a breed of working dog. Ahem. I beg to differ. Unless he defines working dog a little more, there are about a zillion working Labrador Retrievers out there.

There seems to be no way to directly email Adam, probably a good thing for his sake given some of the morons who might track him down, so I thought I'd leave it in a comment thread, and here's why I'm posting about it here. There doesn't seem to be a captcha of any kind...but my comment never appears, and I can't find anything that says comments are moderated! And it looks weird. The submit thingy doesn't show up as a link, but it appears to do stuff when you hit it.

So...here's where I commented. Somebody either let me know if my poor comments, I left two of them because I wasn't sure if the first one took, ever see the light of day, or tell me what I have to do to make the submit thing work. If you write nothing in the field, it does yelp and scream when you hit the submit graphic, so that leads me to believe that comments are moderated. But why don't they say they're moderated? Is it a common practice to moderate comments and not say whether they are or are not moderated? And why did the moderators let through some of that garbage I see?

I'm such a dork. All that for a little thing. But I'm silly like that.

The Forecast Calls For Showers of Phone Messages Mixed with Flurries Of Threats

I wonder if John Frederick's is a friend of Dimitri the Lover . They seem to have the same harass harass harass and be way too arrogant for their own good attitude. I don't think this would have been worth posting except...all the messages he left are posted. What a complete psycho! And to think that he told her *she* was stalking a public figure. No, Johnny boy, you're the one doing the stalking. But I'm sure you already know that.

What a scary, scary man. I wonder if his picture's up there. People should put an x through it, as in run away from this man, don't come anywhere near him. He used to be a TV weather guy, so hopefully enough people will recognize him from that.

And what's up with the odd sentence about being fired because of something involving his dog. Please, details, please!

Blog-A-Thon News

I just got some pretty sweet news. Remember the Guide Dog Handlers All Ways Blog-a-thon? Well, I just heard that they made a pretty sweet little chunk of change. If you missed the event, but still want to add to the pot, the donate links will be up on their site until the end of November. They're in our guide dog resources links, and they're the one called "Eyes on Paws". So swing by, and hey, all the stories will still be there for you to read.

WebAIM: Where Have You Been All My Life?

Reading Ro's blog, she talked lots about WebAIM.org and their mailing list. I finally decided to take the plunge and join it.

...

and I already appreciate joining! Within two minutes, they had solved an issue I'd been struggling to find a solution to, complete with lines of code to pass on to the developer! Yea! Love it much!

So yeah, I'd just like to say go WebAIM! You rock.

And It's One License Plate And You're Out At The Old Police Investigation

In case anyone was wondering, yes, the rule aboutnot committing crimes if you've got your name tattooed on your bodyalso applies to caving somebody's head in with a bat while you'redriving around in a car that has your last name on the license plate.

This message has been brought to you by the Fisnik Gashi School of Baseball.

An Old Guy That Still Has It

I realize myBob Dylan post from earlierwas a bit negative. I don't much care, but I do realize it. So what I want to do is balance it out with some musical positivity in the form of Levon Helm.

Levon Helm is a fine example of how you can get old as a musician and still sound really good. The guy is 69 years old, has beaten throat cancer that made a mess out of his vocal chords and threatened to take his voice away a few years back, and he's still making music this cool.

This song comes from his Electric Dirt album, which came out back in June. It was released as a free download at the time but I never got around to sharing it. Sorry about that.Levon Helm - Tennessee Jed.Yes, this is a cover of the Grateful Dead song.

Enjoy and merry Christmas to all...even Bob Dylan.

If Santa Is A Raspy Old Guy, Then This Must Be Him

In general I'm not a big fan of Christmas music(this excluded of course), and listening to Bob Dylan sing(?)Must Be Santaisn't going to change that much. What it may do, however, is haunt my dreams for a while and perhaps send the odd store clerk or upset shopper on a rampage or 2.

It might almost be fun if Bob didn't sound like he had swallowed an ailing frog that was doing its best to impersonate him. Good god, the poor bastard sounds like he's about to die. Granted he never sounded that great at the best of times, but it's all he can do to squeeze out the ho ho ho without blowing a lung. If this is what he's like all the time now, no wonder everybody told me his last round of concerts sucked so bad. Instead of celebrating Christmas, this song makes me feel like I should be getting ready for a funeral. A wacky, accordion filled funeral yes, but still, a funeral.

Zero Tolerance, Zero Smarts

So here's a little tip from me to you. If you're in the UK, and you see a gun lying around, for god's sake don't take it into the police station to turn it in. You'll immediately get arrested, charged with possession of a firearm and you could face five years in jail, minimum, just like Paul Clarke does.

Every time I read this story, I'm in more and more disbelief. Clarke, an ex-soldier, noticed that there was a bag in his garden that wasn't his. He looked in it and saw a gun and a couple of cartridges. So he took it into the police station to get it off the streets. As soon as he handed it over, he was arrested. A jury found him guilty, and a prosecutor and judge both said that his intentions for possessing the weapon were irrelevant. What the hell? What happened to the letter versus the spirit of the law? And by that logic, shouldn't all cops be locked up too? After all, they possess a weapon. It doesn't matter that their intentions are to only use it to defend themselves. They possess one, it's against the law, clang, slam, into the big house ya go.

So what are you supposed to do if you find a gun laying around? Even if you know you can handle weapons and are quite capable of turning this in, are you supposed to call the cops and have them waste their time to come get it? Why couldn't you be a good citizen and turn it in?

His sentencing is on December 11. I hope we hear what happens to him. I hope this causes enough of a stir that something happens to overturn the charge.

Dork To Door

I have to tell a little story. I wonder if the guy in the story happens to be Anthony Korazco and since this story happened, he had since relocated to Brownsville, Texas.

One night, Steve came down to meet a friend of ours outside the apartment building. While waiting for the cab, a guy came out of the building, walked up to Steve and launched straight into "Hey, want some pot?" Steve said no. He then asked, "Want some coke? Maybe some E? I've got lots of stuff." Steve said he didn't want anything, while chuckling to himself that this was a pretty weird way to look for customers. He proceeded to tell Steve what apartment he lived in if he ever changed his mind. Just then the cab pulled up with Steve's friend in it. Our friendly neighbourhood drug dealer trotted right over to the cab and tried to sell to our friend and the cabby! Like dude, you're not selling school chocolate bars. After they said no, he looked back at Steve to be sure he didn't need anything, and then skipped off into the night yelling that it was time to go to work, announcing his apartment number in case anyone needed anything.

The reason I tell this story is when I read the news story about a drunken Anthony Korazco going door to door in an apartment building trying to sell pot until he knocked on a cop's door and got promptly arrested, I couldn't help but think of our stupid fellow apartment dweller. I don't even know if he lives here anymore. Maybe he moved to Texas. If it's him, he sure didn't learn anything along the way from here to there.

You're Cut Off! Oh Yeah? Well, You're Shit On!

Scott D. Leonard should take a lesson from Erik Salmons. Quit while you're ahead.

Leonard was having a grand old time at a bar, and then he got a little too tipsy and started throwing darts at other patrons. The bartender said there would be no booze for him, something he did not like to hear. He was escorted out the rear of the place, where he...exposed his rear and crapped on the parking lot. Police were called, but nobody wanted to press charges, they just wanted him gone. They threw him in a cab and said "go home." Not long after that, he came back in the same cab, saying he wanted to drive his own car home. He tried to drive it, but was stopped and hauled off to jail.

Dude, you could have waited until morning and then come and gotten your car. And what's a business-purposes-only license? I've never heard of that.

Neither Rain Nor Sleet Nor Snow Can Stop The Mail, But Alcohol And Noodles Can

Read the story of Kristine Pflughaupt and tell me you don't have more words than "hahahahahahahahahahahahhaha! *snort*! Hahahahahahhahah!"

Pflughaupt, a name that sounds like a noise one would make while hurling, was a mail carrier. I guess, before her route began, she got thirsty. So she drank...some booze. Then, on her route, she got hungry. So, she walked into an old lady's house, sat on her kitchen floor, and ate leftover noodles from her fridge. Seriously. She just plopped down and started eating the cold noodles with her hands, the noodles running down her shirt. Police came, scooped her up, she blew a .28, and they carried the mail carrier off to jail.

I'm glad the shock of finding a drunken woman in the kitchen eating noodles like some kind of beast didn't kill the 95-year-old woman whose house Pflughaupt invaded. What a hilarious image.

It's Nice To See People Seeing Sense

Back in February of 08 I wrote an entry about how dumb the concept of carbon offsetting is.here it is if you've never seen it or simply want to relive my amazing rightness.

Anyway, it took almost 2 years, butpeople are finally starting to catch on.

In 2002 Responsible Travel became one of the first travel companies to offer customers the option of buying so-called carbon offsets to counter the planet-warming emissions generated by their airline flights.

But in October, Responsible Travel canceled the program, saying that while it might help travelers feel virtuous, it was not helping to reduce global emissions. In fact, company officials said, it might even encourage some people to travel or consume more.

"The carbon offset has become this magic pill, a kind of get-out-of-jail-free card," Justin Francis, the managing director of Responsible Travel, said in an interview. "It's seductive to the consumer who says, 'It's $4 and I'm carbon-neutral, so I can fly all I want."'

Offsets, he argues, are distracting people from making more significant behavioral changes, like flying less.

Get Your H1N1 And Headline Fails Here

Both of these come from the same edition ofthe guelph Tribune,where somebody was either in a hurry or knows something that the rest of us don't.

H1N1 now available to allHmmm...it appears I have a choice to make. do I go for the straight H1N1 or hold out for the vaccine?

Full roll-out of H1N1 expected in DecemberI'm confused...the last story said I could get it now.

Share The Dream And Part With Some Money

Until today I had never seen thisgive us 10 bucks and we'll give you a piece of the SkyDome Roof commercial from 1989.I know I've never seen it because if I had, there's no way I would have ever forgotten it.

Yes,the Dome and its retractable roof were a pretty big deal 20 years ago, but even by that standard this ad still sounds ridiculous. They talk the thing up like somebody had better be clearing some space on the wonders of the world list, then proceed to tell you that for $9.95 you can get a piece of roof material with the genuine SkyDome logo (as opposed to what?) on it encased in a mini dome, a fact booklet which I'd love to see because I'm sure it's fabulous, and they'll even throw in a yummy piece of chocolate...sorry...souvenir medallion. I think my favourite part is when they say that you'd better hurry because supplies are limited, then in the next breath tell you that if you buy a whole bunch of 'em they'll drop the price to $7.95. Yeah...sounds like I'd better get a move on, after all, this is something that 2 million visitors wouldn't want to be without. Well, colour me 2 million and 1.

Now here come the questions. did anybody actually buy one of these? does it look as cheap as it sounds? Is the pamphlet written in the same style as the commercial? Did you eat your souvenir chocolate medallion? did you suffer any sort of illness as a result? What did it taste like? I'm imagining something like a cross between sidewalk chalk and dog crap...am I close? Even if you can answer yes to any of these questions, would you ever be able to overcome your shame to the point where you would actually tell me?

Remember, you don't have to use your real name in the comments and if you email me I promise I won't tell anybody who you are unless you say it's ok. I will refer to you only as lucky. Why lucky? Because you ingested the medallion and lived to tell the tale, of course.

Ok...I'm waiting.

It's A Cat!

Good lord! I say that for two reasons: 1. A woman of an unknown age and her 27-year-old son were so afraid of a cat that went insane that they called 911. Seriously. It's a cat. I know it's a 16-pound cat, but it's a damn cat! The thing went nuts, so they started running around their house and hiding in bedrooms. How about shoving it into a cat carrier? I'm sure two grown people could muscle a crazy cat into a cage. I love how the mom comments on how many rescue folk showed up at the house, as if they were called to deal with a tiger. Well, yeah. Most people don't call 911 over a house cat.

The second reason I say "oh lord" is because of the horrible pile of cat puns in this story. Cat-astrophe? Fur-rocious? Claw-point? That was hideous.

Hopefully these two don't take in any more pets, and that reporter gets fired. That was just too much.

Good Morning. Can I Go Back To Bed Now?

I have no idea what I'm writing about here, I'm just writing for the sake of writing. I guess we'll see how this turns out...wonder if any of you will bother to read it to the end.

I hate my body. Yeah, let's start there. My body can go to hell. Since Carin has to be up early to go out of town the next few days and because I'm always up earlier than her anyway, it's my job to make sure that she gets up on time. Problem is that whenever I know I have to do something at an exact time, I don't sleep. If I need to be up or wake somebody up at let's say 6 o'clock, 9 times out of 10 I can count on being awake no later than 4. So yeah...guess what happened today. I woke up at the crack of 4 realizing that a trip to the can and to the kitchen for a glass of water was in order. Fine, no problem, pretty ordinary stuff. The trouble started when I went back to bed. Suddenly I just couldn't get comfortable. The body was doing everything it could to make sure that I didn't fall asleep and miss my get up time. The pillow wasn't comfortable. I was too hot. I couldn't get the blankets just so. My mind started racing. My arms would repeatedly fall asleep so I would have to wake up and move again. You name it, it happened. I might have managed about 4 hours sleep, but I'm being pretty generous with that estimation. Needless to say, somebody's not the happiest guy in the world right now.

Yesterday, on the other hand, was a fine day. Good food, good drink, good football and even some good wrestling to cap it all off. Sucks it had to be followed by this. Ahh well, I'm sure I'll survive.

I love the CFL, but it's so wacky sometimes. The idea that the B.C. Lions could potentially be representing the East in the Grey Cup thanks to the crossover rule is just goofy. Don't get me wrong, I do think it's fair because teams with better records deserve the playoff spots regardless of geography, but it's just one of those weird things I can never quite get my head around.

The Eastern Semifinal was a great game and even though I was rooting for Hamilton for the sake of not having to explain to everybody that British Columbia didn't relocate, the right team won. Hamilton got outplayed bigtime especially in the first half and Casey Printers' comeback was such a good story and he played so well that it almost on some level would have been sad to see him come up short. He almost did, which made for a hell of a finish. I hate overtime in any sport because the suspense drives me nuts, but it certainly makes things interesting and good games that much better.

I don't have a whole lot to say about the Western Semi since I kept getting distracted by other things and didn't pay a lot of attention through most of it, but I picked Calgary and they won so that's really all you need to know.

I ended up deciding part way through the game that I was going to order the TNA Turning Point PPV instead of borrowing it from my friend the internet sometime today. Man am I ever glad I did. Both main events delivered huge and made it well worth the $35 on their own. If you're a wrestling fan and have some money, get this show. Seriously, get it. It was the best TNA pay-per-view in years. The Russorific stupidity was kept to a minimum which made for a good, wrestling based show.

I'm not going to review the whole thing, way too tired for that. Here are a few quick thoughts though.

I was a little but not totally surprised to see Desmond Wolfe lose to Kurt Angle. I'm not sure it's what I would have done at this point in the feud, but it was done so well that I don't think the loss will hurt him at all, and in fact he looked so good in losing and came so close to winning that unless TNA fucks things up (always a possibility) it can do nothing but give him instant credibility as a main eventor.

Like I said before, I also loved the hell out of the 3-way for the world title. It was a totally different style of match than Wolfe and Angle, but it worked great and didn't drag like 3-ways do sometimes. The finish leaves a few different directions for future storylines, which is always good. Nice job Russo, or whoever is trying to teach him how to book.

Bobby Lashley losing...that I was not expecting at all. When it first happened all I could think was what the fuck, but as I sit here and think about it now I think some people are reading more into it than their might be. It was a surprise to see him pinned as cleanly as you can pin somebody in a falls count anywhere match, but it makes sense in a way even though Lashley is supposed to be a world beater. If he wins, the feud is over and he's back to having nothing to do as is Scott Steiner. so Steiner winning leaves things open for a rematch down the line. some people are wondering if the loss means that Lashley might be leaving TNA to go full time into MMA, but I'm not sure. It wouldn't shock me, but that's certainly not how it looks to me. It crossed my mind at the time, but I don't think so now that I've had some time to process it.

Getting away from wrestling, I've got a question for anybody who buys their milk in bags. Have you noticed that there's not as much milk in the things anymore? We sure have. I don't know when it started, but in the last few months I've noticed that most bags are floppier and seem to contain a lot less liquid and a lot more empty space. I've also noticed that where we used to have to buy new milk every 4 or 5 days, we're now having to buy it every 2 to 3. I have a feeling we're getting ripped off by the milk people, are we the only ones?

This post is getting quite long and quite not very good, so I think I'll put it out of its misery now. I might even apologize for it and tell you that I'll try to be more interesting later on. No promises, but I might.