I'm Baaack...I Think

So yeah...I haven't posted for nearly two weeks. Definite fail...although failing at blogging seems to be a regular occurrence for me now.

I think, *knocks on wood* that I'm out of the medical woods. I feel better, and bunches of my problems appear to be vanishing. It's funny. I've had this since I was a kid, but only now am I truly learning about its funky intricacies. It appears I have to learn everything by breaking it. But whatever, now I appear to be feeling better, and normal life appears to be within my grasp. This makes me the happy.

Before I forget, the sixth assistance dog blog carnival is up, has been for a couple weeks. Yeah, I fail. Now I have to go read everybody's stuff. Hmmm I'll be busy.

I must be getting close to normal. I'm scrutinizing random oldies songs. the other day, I heard Barbara Mason Yes I'm ready. I wasn't paying attention, and then I heard "I'm ready to learn to fall in love with you." Learn? Excuse me? Learn? If you have to *learn*, you're not falling in love. I don't know what it is you're doing, but it's not that. It sounds like some kind of sick and twisted arranged marriage song. And is it me, or does she sound drunk out of her mind in that song? It sounds like she's had to get totally plastered just to work up the courage to kiss this dude...I wish I could make JAWS slur its words and say "I'm ready...to learn...chugga lugga glugga.

Then I heard Hey Baby They're Playing Our Song and one line stood out to me. "It's the one with the pretty melody." Yeah, that narrows it down. I mean, come on. There's only *one* song with a pretty melody. The rest of those melodies are all discordant and sound like fingernails on a chalkboard. Well...maybe that would fit *now*, but not so much back when this song was made, which according to Wikipedia, was 1967. What a totally stupid line! But then again, oy...there were quite a few in that song.

This also got me thinking about how Please Mister Please won't make any sense to kids anymore. It'll join rotary phones and broken records and all those things that make them stare at us like we're talking a foreign language.

I have two more observations to add to my pile of silly wrestling-related observations. So far we established that I like the way Lilian says John Cina and JBL's old mooing song was the best. Well, now I have more, and I might as well make fun of myself for them.

Steve was watching some old NWA shows with Gordon Solie and Bob Caudle. I walked in, sat down, and didn't say anything for a minute. Then I couldn't contain myself. I had to ask. I knew who Gordon Solie was, but that other guy sounded...just like Johnny Cash! I asked him, and after he finished laughing his ass off at me, said no. That was Bob Caudle. Come on. Can't you just hear this voice saying "My Name Is Sue! How Do You Do! And Now You're Gonna Die!" No? I'm the only one? Ok then.

And one day, Steve was watching some wrestling and John Laurinaitis came on. I listened for a minute and then said "Whenever he talks, he sounds just like Bill MacKendry!" I don't know how to spell Bill's name, because he's only famous at W. Ross, the school for the blind, but I hope someone reading this, besides Steve, both loves wrestling and knows good old Billie. It would be even more awesome if they happened to have a clip of Bill we could put up. Last night, John Laurinaitis said something about Oksanna, and all I could think was "Tanja?..." Again, that'll only make sense to the people who went to W. Ross at the time when Billie was there. But I seriously can't hear this guy talk without hearing Billie's voice behind him yelling "I want a girl!" Am I alone in this?

And speaking of that old school, remember back when I said it was getting sued? Our buddy Shane found the W. Ross lawsuit in all its glory. Yikes. I'm glad I didn't go there during that era. I haven't a doubt in my mind that stuff like that went down...but when I was there, nothing that attrocious ever happened that I know of, except I think there was still the...um...sexual stuff happening between boys. I never knew about it until after when I would hear things. I do have to chuckle that the term "Braille Jail" made it into a legal filing.

The one thing I can't figure out was the repeated references to things being run by the bell and the whistle and being made to line up. Um, regular schools did that too. You had the recess bell, the lunch bell, the bell for each class, the bell at the end of the day. And yeah, we had to line up. That's how they can keep track of everybody. There must be some context I'm missing. I definitely want to hear how this plays out.

There's this commercial that comes on that makes me laugh whenever I hear it, but I have no idea what it's for. All it says is "I just told my boss I'm in bed with a nasty clown. I meant cold! How the hell do you turn off autocorrect?" I get the sense it's for Telus, but how? Do they have easy to access tech support people? guides on all their phones? What? Other people can't seem to get the message either, as google can't give me a definite answer. But everybody's laughing. Anybody know what the commercial's for? Edit: According to this, it's some kind of free Telus learning centre. here, laugh at it yourself.

The other day, I had something odd happen to me when I was out walking. A girl walked up to me and kept saying I'm gonna get one of those soon! I hope I hope hope so!" At first I assumed she was just talking on her cellphone, but something told me no, she's talking to me. She's talking to me and she's talking about a guide dog. So I asked her what school she was applying to, and she said "The CINB." I think she meant CNIB, so I had to tell her the CNIB doesn't have a guide dog school. She then said "I have workers looking into it." At this point my heart sank. I really think a person making this kind of an investment needs to be the primary person doing the research and looking into it. I asked her to come walk with me so we could talk, but she said she was going elsewhere, so I lost the opportunity to maybe talk to her a little bit. But I hope I see her again, and maybe have a better chance next time. I've never had the opportunity to really offer my experience as something to learn from besides what I write up here. I hope to be able to give to someone else what I got from that other handler so many years ago. But something tells me this person might not have been ready for it. Who knows though?

And I think that about wraps it up. I have other ideas for individual posts, but we'll see what happens. I'm so unpredictable these days.

For Once, An Ass Explosion That Can't Be Blamed On Taco Bell

It seems to me I have started posts in this manner before, but I must do so again.

Believe it or not, there have been times in my life during which I have been very, very drunk. I've had some good ideas and some not so good ideas, and have even written a post or 12. But never have I taken leave of my senses to such a degree that I thought hey, I should stuff a bottle rocket in my ass and light it. But even if at some point I had thought it, I assure you there is no chance I'd have done it. Travis Hughes, on the other hand, well...he did, and he's being sued now.

The suit was filed by Louis Helmburg III, who fell off of a railingless deck when the aforementioned chocolate rocket exploded inside of Hughes' rectum and startled him. Startled *him*? How do you think Hughes felt? The funny part is we don't know, because other than his new legal trouble, he isn't mentioned again. We have no idea how he's doing. He could be ok or he could be completely cheekless, but nobody's talking.

     Helmburg claims - in a statement it would be difficult to deny - that "firing bottle rockets out of one's own anus constitutes an 'ultra-hazardous' activity," which exposes both defendants to strict liability.

Helmburg says he suffered pain and medical expenses, and lost playing time on the Marshall University baseball team. He claims the Alpha Tau deck from which he fell lacked a railing, which violated Huntington building codes.

Helmburg says the fiasco came at about 1:30 a.m. on May 1, 2011, at an Alpha Tau house party he attended with his girlfriend.
     "Several of the people in attendance at said house party were under the legal drinking age, including defendant Travis Hughes," the complaint states.

"Most of the persons in attendance at said house party were also consuming alcohol with the full knowledge and consent of the ATO fraternity."

Several Alpha Tau members were on the deck when Hughes got his bright idea, including one or more fraternity officers, Helmburg says.

The complaint states: "Defendant Hughes was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck, located on the back of the ATO house. ...
     "Defendant Hughes placed a bottle rocket in his anus, ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant's rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent the deck.

Got Any Mountain Dew?

I read this a few days ago, and it cracked me up, so here it is.

There's a lawsuit going on, where the plaintiff is claiming that he opened his can of Mountain Dew and found a mouse in there. They sent the mouse away for testing, and found out that it was a four-week-old mouse. This posed a problem for this fellow's lawsuit, because the can of mountain dew was bottled 74 days before he opened it up, took a big ol' chugga lugga and then puked all over everywhere.

But Pepsi didn't stop there. They actually got a veterinarian to testify that if a mouse was in Mountain Dew that long, it would have been nothing but jelly.

According to McGill, if a mouse is submerged in Mountain Dew between four and seven days, the rodent “will have no calcium in its bones and bony structures.” During those days of soft drink immersion, “the mouse’s abdominal structure will rupture.” Additionally, “its cranial cavity (head) is also likely to rupture within that time period,” McGill noted.

After 30 days exposure to Mountain Dew, “all of the mouse’s structures” would have disintegrated to the point that it would not be recognizable. In fact, “the mouse will have been transformed into a ‘jelly-like’ substance.” The only part of the rodent that could possibly survive, added McGill, was “a portion of the tail.”

Mmm, drink up!

So this is the part that perplexes me about this whole thing. Wouldn't it have been sufficient to say hey dude, the mouse wasn't even conceived when this pop was canned. It wasn't in there. Why, in your own defense, would you gross people the hell out with visions of what their product can do to living beings? I know it's what'll happen if a living being is submerged in anything acidic for 74 days, but people are dumb and they'll think what the Smoking Gun headline did. "Mountain Dew Will Dissolve Rats On Contact." I know, rationally, I'm not thinking that Mountain Dew will kill me, but I'm not in any hurry to buy a Mountain Dew just the same. I'll be envisioning ruptured heads and abdomens of rodents in it. Mmm. Good stuff!

His Lawsuit Sure Puts The Dim In Dimmick

This is the stupidest lawsuit I've seen in a while.

Jesse Dimmick has filed a $235,000 breach of contract lawsuit against Jared and Lindsay Rowley. That sounds fairly routine, until you hear what the contract was and how it came to be.

Two years ago, Jesse Dimmick was a wanted man. He was a suspect in a murder case, to be specific. While trying to evade police, he found his way into the Rowley's home. He claims that over some Cheetos and Dr Pepper and a viewing of the movie Patch Adams, he and the couple came up with a plan that would see them hide him in exchange for an amount of money to be determined later. Everybody else, however, calls what happened kidnapping at knifepoint. Dinner and a movie was nothing more than a way out of getting themselves killed, which makes perfect sense to everybody but Dimmick, who is acting as his own lawyer.

Dimmick personally — in longhand — wrote the counterclaim document, which was filed Oct. 21 in Shawnee County District Court.

He wrote: “As a result of the plaintiffs breech (sic) of contract, I, the defendant suffered a gunshot to my back, which almost killed me. The hospital bills alone are in excess of $160,000, which I have no way to pay.”

The Rowleys sought this month to have the suit dismissed, saying they never accepted Dimmick’s offer of money and — if they had — their consent would have been given under duress. District Judge Franklin Theis has yet to rule on their motion for dismissal.

Oh yes, the shot in the back. that was an accident, say police. While arresting him, one of their rifles went off unintentionally. But as you can see above, had the Rowleys not snuck out of their home when Dimmick fell asleep allowing the police to enter and scoop him up in clear violation of their agreement, that never would have happened. Dimmick is suing the police for that, which is likely one of the things that prompted the Rowleys to sue him, and now here we are.

Hopefully tossing this ridiculousness out of court won't take long, but you never know with the legal system being what it is.

Oh, and one more chuckleworthy thing considering the film they were watching. Dimmick, who has been convicted of several things and won't be going anywhere for a while, is being held in Colorado's Adams County Detention Center.

You really can't make stuff like this up.

On Free Speech And Hate Speech

The Bill Whatcott hate speech case seems to be sparking a lot of debate in the media, even though the thing should be a no brainer.

Do I like that this douchehamper went around distributing flyers that said bad things about gay people and objected to schools teaching same sex issues to students? No. In fact I doubt I'd lose a whole lot of sleep if something bad happened to him...by accident, of course. But at the same time, as long as he's not violent, he should be allowed to say what he wants. I don't have to like what he says, but he's got as much right to say it as I have to hold the opinion that saying it makes him a malignant prick.

As somebody who writes and says things on a fairly regular basis that somebody else may not like, the idea that a person could accuse me of violating his human rights and probably win is actually pretty frightening. Free speech cuts both ways. It's one of the best and worst concepts we as people have ever come up with. I don't have to like what you say, but because I might want to say something in return I have no choice but to respect and defend your right to say it.

There's a place in society for human rights codes and hate laws, but it needs to be balanced and not abused like it can be now. Going after journalists, comedians and nut jobs with controversial opinions doesn't make the world any better. You can't change attitudes with fines. If anything you'll only wind up fostering an even greater sense of resentment. And wouldn't you rather have horrible people like this out in the open where you can see them? I know I would. Seeing a person's true self allows me to form a more accurate opinion and gives me a chance to teach others why what he's saying isn't what sane and rational people believe.

So even though he sounds like a bit of a koont, I wish Bill Whatcott luck. I don't have to agree with him to agree with him, if you know what I mean.

I Hope She Gets Chewed Up By The Legal System

When I read this story about a woman suing Stride Gum because some got stuck in her dentures and got her depressed, I was sure it was a joke. But it doesn't look that way.

Seriously. Elsie Pawlow says that a piece of Stride gum got stuck in her dentures and she had to pick it out, which made her depressed for about 10 minutes.

First of all, you can't get depressed for 10 minutes. Depression doesn't lift that quickly. Second, you're seriously going to waste legal fees on this?

I hope it's thrown out of court. And maybe they should set those Stride Gum goons from their commercials on her. The message should be "Stride Gum: Find something real to get depressed about, or we'll find you and give you something."

Can She Sue Them For Worthless Childing?

Without having kids I can't necessarily say so with absolute 100% certainty, but I imagine things like this are why some people still feel completely fine slapping their children. Hell, after reading this, I'd like to slap this woman's children for her. Several times. In the face. With a shovel.

Steven Miner II, 23, and his 20-year-old sister Kathryn sued their mother, Kimberly Garrity, for more than $50000. Their claim? That the pair, who lived in a $1.5 million house, suffered "emotional distress" due to what they call "bad mothering."

So just what was so bad about mom? Well...

While growing up in a luxurious home in Barrington Hills, Ill., their alleged hardships at the hands of their mother included Steven receiving a birthday card that didn’t include cash or a check and did not have a sentiment that he liked, accusations that Garrity did not send him care packages or birthday cards while he was in college, Garrity telling her then-7-year-old son to buckle his seat belt or she would call the police, and Kathryn getting a phone call from her mother at midnight to tell her to return home from her homecoming celebration.

My god, the horror! The...horror!

Other accusations included Kathryn being upset that her mother would not take her to a car show, and Garrity failing to buy toys for one of her children. One of the exhibits filed in the case was a birthday card sent from Garrity to her son that had a group of indistinguishable cartoon tomatoes on the front with one different tomato in the middle that had googly eyes attached. The inside read, “Son I got you this Birthday card because it’s just like you ...
different from all the rest!" Garrity wrote “Have a great day! Love & Hugs, Mom xoxoxo.’’

How dare this horrible woman subject her kids to...the kind of birthday card I think I've perhaps got a few of kicking around here thanks to nice people who care about me? What a thoughtless cow.

And it gets better.

One of the three lawyers representing the children was their father, Steven A. Miner. He was married to Garrity for 10 years before the two divorced in 1995, according to a report in the Chicago Tribune. In court papers, Miner wrote that he tried to talk his children out of filing the lawsuit.

I'm calling horseshit and douchebaggery on that statement. He tried to talk them out of it, but wasn't so serious about his convictions that he wouldn't agree to represent them, for free, no less? Yeah, that adds up.

Thankfully an Illinois appeals court judge tossed the case, but not before Garrity ran up lord knows how much in legal fees defending herself against charges that never should have made it to paper, let alone a courtroom.

I don't know what kind of woman she is, but I'm sort of hoping she's the type who won't mind turning around and suing to recover her costs, even though these are her kids and she probably loves them for some reason. It would also be nice if she's the type who would start a campaign to have her idiot ex-husband disbarred, because he deserves it.

It would be great to see her take the high road by not stooping to the level her family has, but how awesome would it be to watch her melt these precious little snowflakes with a torch?

City Of Guelph Backs Down, Does What It Should Have Done In The First Place

Update: Updating to correct a massive oversight on my part. How could I have forgotten this?

Ahh, much better.

Whether it's due to somebody taking the time to explain what a joke is to them or because bad press isn't good for future election prospects, the city of Guelph has decided to do what should have been done in the first place and not sue the business owner who wrote the Three Stooges email or the newspaper that reported on it.

“The City of Guelph will not be proceeding with litigation,” Mayor Karen Farbridge wrote in an email to Marc Black, owner of Hempire on Carden Street, where large-scale construction projects have choked off traffic and weakened business much of the past five years.

The mayor later confirmed in an email to the Mercury the city has also dropped the idea of proceeding legally against the Guelph Mercury newspaper.

Farbridge even offered to put together a meeting between Black and Don Kudo, the city planner named as head stooge in the offending message. Black said he would take the meeting and likely apologize for doing what he did. I still personally maintain that he shouldn't have to, but hey, if they can make nice without unnecessary lawsuits, I'm all for that.

But all is still not well. The city's chief administrative officer Hans Loewig, not knowing when to leave well enough alone and apparently having missed it's a joke/good press and doing the right thing class, still felt the need to drop another dose of butthurt whiner on the poor guy.

Black was less impressed by a subsequent, “less amicable” email from Guelph's chief administrative officer Hans Loewig. In the email copied to other members of the downtown business community, Loewig accused Black of defamation, libel and slander before decreeing the city would not sue him. In an emailed response to questions from the Mercury, Farbridge confirmed it was Loewig, as chief administrator, who initiated the libel notice.

Why do I get the sense that Loewig was told, in a much nicer way, to shut up stupid, would ya please? That section reads like he was ordered to do the sensible thing, had sour grapes about it and felt the need to get in his one last shot.

At any rate, hopefully the Mayor can reign in the stupid and everybody can start getting along and get these projects finished without much more hardship being visited upon small businesses that are just trying to scratch out a living.

Speaking of Carden Street, don't forget to flash some cash down there this afternoon, or at your earliest convenience. They could really use it.

The Stop Making Us Cry Department Is The Most Efficient One In Guelph

Update: Here's a video report from CTV News. Guess what, the city comes off just as ridiculous and out of line on film as it did in print. And I must say, the Rasos cranking up themusical protest again brings me great joy.

You know what I'd love? For people to stop using their legal departments to slap folks with libel notices because some obvious satire hit a little too close to home. Yes, city of Guelph, I'm looking at you.

GUELPH — The city has threatened legal action against a Carden Street merchant and the Guelph Mercury over a recent email comparing city staff to the Three Stooges.

Libel notices were received Wednesday at the Mercury office and by Marc Black, owner of the Hempire store.

The notices refer to an email Black sent Saturday morning, which included a photo of the famed comedy trio and a suggestion it depicted a specific city manager and “his expert team of planners” working on Carden Street construction projects.

The email was sent to members of city council, a couple of city staff members – including the named manager – and a handful of downtown business, including the Mercury.

Really, that's all this guy did. And considering what's been going on down on Carden street and for how long, they're lucky that's all he did. Businesses are getting killed downtown and it seems like almost nobody wants to help them. Are the project managers intentionally trying to turn this into a giant clusterfuck? My guess is no, but that doesn't mean those most impacted by what's happening and the lack of communication from city hall about it aren't allowed to feel that way and say as much. Hey, he was even creative and lighthearted about it. Nobody's life was threatened and nobody went to anyone's house to read a threatening letter as has happened in other situations. The only thing that was threatened is somebody's poor wittle feewings, and that's not why most of us in this town pay taxes to keep lawyers on staff.

I love Guelph as it is, but man, just think of how much better things could be here if the folks in charge were as quick to work on real solutions to real problems as they are to lay the smack down on some poor bastard with a legitimate gripe.

Disorder In The Court!

Here comes another one who hasn't learned that trying to beat up court officials probably won't work out so well. This one, after being held in contempt of court at a domestic violence hearing, tried to take out the judge. I guess she didn't see court security, but they sure saw her. Down she went. Here's some happy footage.

And what the hell. Is her last name Hardwick or Hartwick? And oy. What's with all the rough sentences?

Speaking of sentences, hope she likes jail.

Archie's Getting To Her Jughead

The story of female CEO Nancy Silberkleit of Archie Comics scaring her employees sounds way too out there to be true. But on the other hand, could anyone make this stuff up?

The report says several employees complained about Silberkleit's vile antics, which include asking if sex toys were stored in an office safe and saying, "I need to adjust my balls."

She has also burst into meetings to rant about male private parts, according to a letter sent to her co-CEO Jon Goldwater.

"On April 20, 2011, \[Silberkleit\] walked into your office again and referring to a book yelled out 'PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS' and then said, "My balls hurt."

The suit accuses the comics big of "inappropriate behavior" and says several employees are fearful of her "erratic" behavior and her bullying.

They must be pretty serious, they're in a lawsuit trying to bar her from coming into the office or going to a comic convention.

My question is how does someone this nuts keep her job? Was she always this weird, or did she just snap one day? How long has this been going on?

At any rate, I'll never think of Archie comics the same way again.

Because Of Your Policy, All I Can Do With My Hands Is Write Court Documents

Somebody seriously needs to come up with more for inmates to do. More productive hours in the day would probably help cut down on the number of cases jamming up the courts. Cases like that filed recently by 21-year-old Kyle Richards, for instance.

In a handwritten lawsuit, Richards says that Michigan's Macomb County Jail is violating his civil rights and subjecting him to cruel and unusual punishment by denying his requests for porn. Yes, apparently there's a porn shortage in America's prisons, and it can no longer be stood for, so to speak.

Incidentally, the words "in a handwritten lawsuit" are becoming an even bigger sign that there is trouble to come than a story starting off with "a Romanian man" used to be.

But back to this correctional porn shortage. I'm sure there's a simple solution, probably more than one. Maybe Mr. Richards could drop some soap at shower time and not be content to let it go bye bye, or maybe he could try to bum a smoke (there we go again) but not have any money. I'm sure either one of those scenarios would net him all the porn he could handle and then some.

By the way, this guy is also a master criminal. Check out how he wound up confined to a tug free zone.

Richards was charged with bank robbery after police followed a trail of snowy footprints and dropped money to his apartment from a bank robbery scene in January in Fraser, north of Detroit.

Richards pleaded guilty. Sentencing is Aug. 2.

It's Me! Remember Me?

I'm feeling all frazzled so maybe if I ramble, I can unfrazzle myself. I'm sitting here, time's going tick tock, and my brain is screaming at a fever pitch "You have so many things to do! Do them! Do them now!" At the same time, an equally loud voice yells "But you either don't have an idea of how to do the things you want to do, or you don't have the will." Both sentiments are completely true. But the war between them is consuming bunches of my energy.

Because this thing is such an epic, I'm going to put headings in it. That's how freakin huge it is.

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?"

That's going through my head this week, as something has gone horridly awry with my Trekker.

I was happily sleeping out on the couch when I heard it. "Beep...beep...beep..." That was the tell-tale sound of my external speaker saying "Hey nitwit, my battery is crazy low. Do something about it." But it was already pplugged in, had been for days. So what the hell was wrong?

I got up to investigate. Maybe the splitter had just come loose. Nope. Maybe something had gone wonky with the power bar. Nope. Maybe the splitter had gone bad? Nope.

So here I was staring at this unit wondering what in the name of all that's holy was wrong with it. The consensus from the trekker support list was that something had gone south with the charger. It's possible, since I did get this unit well-used. But here comes the fun. How do you get a new charger for a device that has been discontinued by the manufacturer?

Everyone said I should do two things: 1. get all the specs on the transformer box written down and ask for a charger just like that, and b. test the voltage being transmitted through the charger and see if it's changing or less than what it should be.

Both of these tasks require eyeballs at the current moment. I have heard that some time ago, there was a talking multimeter that was available up here, but hell if I can find it. And although I could scan the box with KNFB, if it made any errors, I could seriously damage my trekker if I gave the wrong specs.

So...does anyone know where I could go in Guelph to have the voltage tested out of the charger, and maybe have them read off the specs so I could make sure I get the right stuff?

In the meantime, I am GPSless, and I'm realizing how much I had come to depend on it, especially with all this guelph remastering going on. And every day I don't fix it, I get madder at myself. I am supposed to be resourceful. I am supposed to be able to figure this crap out.

I'm The Stupid Sometimes

Back when I was a wee little kid, for some reason I can't remember, they put me in the gifted class. I don't feel gifted. I mean, I consider myself to be pretty smart, but gifted? Cmon now. I'm not Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking or other people like that. I dunno. Maybe the smartest thing I did was figure out what date any day falls on during the year because I couldn't stand braille calendars. But I don't think that qualifies me as gifted by any stretch of the imagination.

Anyway, one day the teacher walked into the room and gave us a quiz...and it was really goddamn hard! It was full of obscure sports questions and stuff. By the end of it, I was just praying for one question, just one, that I would be able to answer. I began to sink deeper into my chair. I started celebrating any time I got anything right. I started wondering just what part of school I slept through to miss all this stuff.

At the end of it, he asked us all how we did. None of us did very well. He then said, "Now you know how it feels to struggle in school." Well, I have revisited that quiz in two contexts: building a website, and putting shoes on a baby!

Ok, let's start off at the place where you know how much knowledge I had of websites. The only websites I have either run or assisted with are an eeny weeny homepage I built off the U of G's server as a class project, and this blog. As for the website, you know the type. Hi. I'm me. Here are my hobbies. Oh, there's a picture. Want a list? Have a list. How about some bold and italics. I'm a baby code monkey learning about HTML back when HTML was, like, the only way to make a website." And of course there's this blog. But really, I just wrote code inside the post, and spleerched code into places on the template as directed by people who belong in classes for the gifted. So, this was a whole new league for me.

The first thing I noticed was Holy hell, I have a lot of admin panels. I'm used to like 1, you know. But that isn't the way things roll anymore. I bought the domain, after driving the poor folks at Skynet Communications absolutely fucking insane. To their credit, they never let me know I was driving them insane, but I'm sure I was. I just know I was, considering the barrage of rock-stupid questions I asked them. I'm sure they were internally second guessing the assumption that I possessed neurons.

"So I have an account," I said to myself. "Where do I put the stuff?" Seriously. I thought the client panel was somehow the gateway to the stuff-putty uppy panel. Yeah, right. Then I got the happy email, with a link where I could access the admin panel. "Yea! Stuff putty uppy panel!" Er, how about no? You silly insect-brain, this thing just gives you the chance to build a website in whatever way you want. It doesn't know you want Wordpress. "Oh, me install Wordpress? Right, how me do that then?"

As I sat there, staring at the screen, I felt like I used to feel in the dos command days when I would enter a command wrong and I would get greeted with the "Bad command or filename" message. Yeah, ok, so, where to now, boss?

And that's when they told me what was abundantly clear. "Hey there. That heading that says software? Look under there." They were super nice about it, but well, I thought at that exact second, you could hear the ocean if you walked up close to me.

And that's the funny part. Once you feel stupid, it's a vicious cycle. All the previously smart things you used to do escape you, and you sink into a deeper pit of stupid...which makes you feel more stupid...

Once I found it, I managed to install the damn stuff in the wrong spot, even though it was written right where it would go if I would stop for a second and, er, read!

Once I fixed that, things got easier, but holy hell, I spent more time that day sitting around waiting for answers, where if I had just, ya know, tried a little harder, used that supposed gifted brain of mine, I might have solved the problem my damn self.

Now on to baby shoes. One day, I was down with the huppy and his mom. It was time to put his shoes on, and the huppy's mom was busy doing something. So I thought, "Ah! I'll just slip his cute little shoelets on his cute little footlets! How hard could this be?"

...

Harder than I thought!

I took the first shoe, and eventually figured out that it was the right shoe. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how to get it facing the right way so that heel went to heel and toe to toe. Plus, it was a sandal, and suddenly I couldn't tell one end from another!

I thought to myself, "It's a shoe, a goddamn shoe. Ya know, a shoe? You put shoes on every day? How the hell hard could this be?" I sadly never succeeded in this task, and huppy's mom had to rescue me...rescue me from putting on shoes of a baby! I so totally fail.

So I really need to do something that makes me feel smart again, because I'm sick of feeling like the stupid.

Hold On To Your Hats, Qwitter Users

Ok everybody who uses Qwitter who still lives under a rock and has not heard the news, let me tell you about it. I'll even break it into teeny chunks so you might be able to understand it.

Twitter is changing something to do with the way Twitter clients access direct messages.

Because of this, until the Qwitter devs write a fix for Qwitter, you ain't gettin' no DM's after tomorrow through Qwitter.

This is not something of their choosing.

You have alternatives. EasyChirp, your phone if you can text, I'm sure you can find something.

It will work again once the devs stop unbuggifying the fix they are building.

Until then, deal. Find another way to get DM's. Do not bitch. If you want to help, send money, or if you have code brain, help.

And Qwitter Pro does not exist. They are attempting to be humorous, although I find their brand of joke not so funny, especially since I heard that they think nothing of stealing other people's code and branding it as their own.

Ok. Aaa. Now that that's out of my system, I feel better.

Oh, and for all the people who say the fix isn't all built and ready to go because the developer is being a lazy prick, chew on this a while.

Yeah! So, on top of going to school and making Hope and Qwitter, he's dealing with that. I'm feeling burned out and I'm not doing nearly as much as he is.

And on to one of the reasons why I'm feeling a might frizzle fried.

Access Recreation Day was great. Steve captured some super awesome audio. Now, I'm down to manhandling the larger files into something digestible. And thinking about the task is enough to make my brain make cool sizzling noises.

Ug. I dread editing. It's not the act of editing that makes me go yuck, it's the act of snipping out portions and not making it sound like Laurence Olivier advertising for Diet coke.

And then the voice in my brain that likes telling me which kinds of useless I am today tells me to shut up, because I could be editing the Audible Otter, a yearbook on cassette that the school for the blind did, back years ago. They didn't have fancy shmancy digital recorders and cutecy wootcy editing programs. They! Had! Tape! So shut up, get off your butt and finish the job you started.

And that is the large pile of brain splat that's on the menu. "But what about Trixie," you say. Oh, she gets her own pile of brain splatter. You just brace yourself.

Somebody Was Embracing Ingenuity, But It Sure Wasn't Bank Of America

This is the best thing ever.

Bank of America tries to foreclose on your home. You owe Bank of America 0 dollars and in fact never have owed them more than that because you paid for the house outright. The case goes to court, where you easily win. Bank of America is ordered to pay your legal bills. Five months pass, but there's no sign of any money from Bank of America. You call, you write, you do whatever you can do to get Bank of America's attention, and still...nothing. Having had it up to here or higher, you call in the Sheriff's department, some movers and even bring your lawyer along and since they haven't paid you, you essentially foreclose on the Bank of America branch that started this mess.

Sheriff's deputies, movers, and the Nyergers' attorney went to the bank and foreclosed on it. The attorney gave instructions to to remove desks, computers, copiers, filing cabinets and any cash in the teller's drawers.

After about an hour of being locked out of the bank, the bank manager handed the attorney a check for the legal fees.

That, in a word, is fabulous! It would make my life if things like this became something everybody did. It would be even better if these lending institutions actually investigated things properly before dragging innocent people into court for no good reason and potentially ruining their lives, but hey, we've gotta start small.

Congratulations to the Nyergers family on a job well done, and a good, hearty fuck off to Bank of America.

Can I Use This Title Without Paying Somebody?

This is the kind of stupid crap that makes me never again want to buy anything with electronics in it.

If you can read 10 physical gestures that have been patented and then explain to me how the world's patent systems aren't broken perhaps beyond repair, I'll buy you a beer. Honestly, I will...on one condition. What you're saying has to convince me. And when we're at the point where somebody can own a patent on what boils down pretty much to shaking a phone or moving your arm in a certain direction, you've got an uphill climb to say the least.

7. Shaking your mobile device
Ever get pissed off at your phone and shake it up and down until it reboots? You could be benefitting from a patent infringement! Intellectual Ventures owns a very broad patent on moving your mobile device around (basically, shaking your phone). If any company dares to create a product which relies on somebody shaking a mobile device to reboot, they'd better cough up some cash to license this gesture from Intellectual Ventures.

Rubba Dub Dub, Sexual Abuse In The Tub?

I always thought that social service agencies were supposed to look out for the welfare of children. After stories like this, I have to question what their mission is.

A Swedish woman was separated from her husband, but they shared custody of their two small children. After a few months, the woman started to notice that her kids were doing strange things in the tub. Fearing they were being sexually abused, she took her concerns to police, who dropped the charges due to lack of evidence.

Her lawyer then told her to film some of these behaviours and show the tape to police. She did, and showed it to police and social services. They decided that *she* was creating pornographic material, arrested her, and stripped her of custody of the children. And where did the kids go? Back to daddy! Apparently there was no evidence that he was abusing them, but her allowing them to continue the behaviour in the tub was abuse, and filming them could do untold damage to them. Oh yeah, and what about the actions that taught them about these behaviours? What kind of damage are they doing?

The case has been taken to a higher authority. I hope *somebody* has some goddamn sense.

Hey Hey! Ho Ho! Come On Rapist, Make That Throw!

I don't recall either of us writing about this case before, perhaps because in a moment of foolishness on our parts, we figured that the girl winning would be a slam dunk. But of course, as happens so often when something makes perfect sense and there's no other answer but the one you'd think there'd be, some idiot picks the other one. And when I say some idiot, I'm actually speaking of a collection of them that's housed in something called the United States Supreme Court.

This body, by way of declining to hear the case of a high school cheerleader who was punished for refusing to cheer for a basketball player who had raped her, has sent the message that no, free speech doesn't apply to anybody who has essentially agreed to act as a mouthpiece for anyone other than themselves. And to add retardity to stupidity, the girl has been ordered to pay $45000 in legal costs to the school because it had to defend itself against a frivolous lawsuit.

I've never been raped, but I've heard enough stories from those who have to know that it wouldn't exactly make me want to stand up and show some spirit! It also doesn't seem like one of those things that I'd be in a big hurry to tag with the word frivolous.

I wish I could make sense of how things like this happen, but all I can come back to over and over again is that somebody is either bad at their job or not doing it at all. In a free and just society, things like this are supposed to be what happens in far away, less free places. It'll be nice when the Supreme Court returns to this century, where all victims, including the female ones, are supposed to have rights.

A Horse Is A Horse, So It's Not A Big Deal If You Lose Your Arm In One

I love and hate lawyers for exactly the same reason. They're willing to say any fucking thing no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Most of the time it's completely infuriating, but other times the shit that comes out of their mouthes is so entertaining that it's hard to stay angry for long.

On this day, I must say that I'm entertained...and a little sicked out.

Ralph Crozier is representing a fellow by the name of Marian Wegiel. Mr. Wegiel found it necessary to retain the services of Mr. Crozier after finding himself accused ofsexually assaulting a horse.

There's nothing remarkable about the defence. He's not admitting that he did anything wrong. This isn't the kind of case that should go to trial. My client is a good church-going fellow who doesn't have a criminal history and has the support of his community. All pretty standard stuff.

But then there's this.

The lawyer for a Shelton man accused of sexually assaulting his neighbor's horse claimed Thursday the case has been blown out of proportion.

"If this was a guy and a sheep in Litchfield, and I've had a few of those cases, this would not have gotten nearly the media attention it has," said Ralph Crozier, who represents 63-year-old Marian Wegiel.

"But I guess because a horse is higher off the ground it leaves a little more to the imagination."

Just stop for a second and let that sink in.

"I've had a few of those cases."

Not sure about you guys, but I translate that as sheep fucking is routine in these parts. And if it's me, I'm picking up and moving the hell out of those parts just as soon as I can.

And I'm pretty sure the reason that this case is being blown out of proportion has nothing to do with the fact that horses stand taller, but rather because in a lot of places it'd be hard to find a lawyer to whom sheep raping is no big deal anymore.

Boy, the TV commercials this guy could have. It's too bad things didn't work out a little differently. If he knew the right people, his firm could have been called Cellino and Barns.

It's Bath Fittings, Not Baptism

If all this is true, which it probably is since this woman's lawyer has more clients saying the same thing, this Bath Fitter franchise is messed up, and needs to learn a few lessons.

Jo A. Yochum says that she began working for this bath fitting franchise, and had to pay $90000 for the training she received. But the training wasn't about their company practices, or what goes into what they sell. According to Yochum, it was like entering into a cult. She's suing because not only did she have to pay for it, because she wasn't willing to go along, she was cut off from new leads despite her being a good salesperson.

If I'm working for a company, it's none of their business what god I worship, if I worship at all. Just where the hell do they get off doing this to people?

I hope she, and others like her, win their case. That's just creepy.

And the icing on the cake? Get a look at the reporter's name. Rich Lord.

The Unthinkable Was Certainly Not Untried

In the 1950's, lots of attrocities happened at residential schools. According to this class action lawsuit, W. Ross Macdonald was not immune.

If all of this stuff went down the way they say it did, somebody needs to pay, and in a perfect world, I'd like to see some folks go to jail, even though I never will see that satisfaction. Residential schools are a scary idea, especially considering the long stints where kids would stay before seeing anybody outside of there. It leaves them vulnerable to being abused, whether the kids have a disability or not.

When I was there, things were pretty good. I definitely did see some incidents where some staff would abuse their power, and other staff would discourage students from advocating for themselves, saying "think of the repercussions." But I also saw a lot of staff who had the kids' best interests at heart, and a very special few staff who would push us to stand up for what we needed. At any rate, the W. Ross Macdonald School I attended was not the one painted in this lawsuit.

But don't think I don't believe this stuff didn't happen. I have no reason to doubt what I'm hearing. I know of the guy leading the suit, and although I don't know him well, I have 0 reason to believe he's making this up.

I'm completely conflicted. I'm afraid this suit will end up doing more damage to the current students who are there, and it will really not touch the people who are in need of paying for what happened back then. But I certainly don't think these things should slip silently out of memory and go without people being held accountable. I can't imagine living under those conditions, and probably having even less of a voice than your average kid would have.

We'll have to see what happens.