Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza: The Kind Of Thing Hell Is Made Out Of

I heard about this last week and have been trying to keep myself from machine gunning harf pellets out my mouth and nose ever since.

Pizza Hut is unleashing a horrid sounding concoction on the people of the United Kingdom. People who, aside from being responsible for some astoundingly head slappingly ridoncubonk health and safety regulations, have to my knowledge done nothing to deserve it. Speaking of those crazy health and safety folks, where are they now when the citizenry could truly use them to prevent the disaster that is the new Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza?


"Succulent hot dog sausage bursting from our famous stuffed crust, with a FREE Mustard Drizzle" is how Pizza Hut is choosing to spin this culinary atrocity into sounding remotely food-like. They had me at Suck, but they lost me with this ulent business.

There are no plans currently to sell this in North America, which is honestly a surprise considering the kinds of things we'll put in our bodies for a price. But if you are in the UK and want to give it a go, A: it's been lovely knowing you and B: it only seems to come in one size, 14 inches. I'm sure some of you have dreamed of having a 14-inch hot dog in your mouth, but this certainly won't be like you imagined it.

Ok, I need to go now. I can feel the machine gun starting to reload.

So, What Are You In For? Pretty Much Everything

I have no idea how I'm going to tag this thing, but I still must share the impressive tale of the crime spree of William Todd.

Nobody knows why he decided to hop on a Greyhound bus to Nashville, but he sure made a day of it. In about 9 hours, Todd is believed to have committed more than 10 felonies.

He started by breaking into a business called the Slaughterhouse. He helped himself to a Taser, a revolver, a shotgun and a T-shirt before shooting the place up and burning it to the ground.

He then happened to run into 4 people on their way out of a bar. He held them at gunpoint, tased one, pistol whipped another and stole their money and credit cards.

All this work would surely make a man hungry, so Todd carjacked a taxi at gunpoint and headed off to buy some food with his new plastic.

All filled up and ready to go again, Todd's next stop was a Walmart where he spent $199 of somebody else's money.

At 6 a.m., he made his way to the Hotel Indigo. While there, he decided to swerve off the simple robbery path and pay tribute to some of the stranger folks who have found their way onto these pages over the years. He broke into a law office, ransacked it, then took a dump on a desk and spread some of it on a few framed law degrees.

With that load off his mind, it was time to make some more money.

Todd knocked on several hotel room doors. He pretended to be a female member of the housekeeping staff to gain entry, but would then rob the occupants at gunpoint. During at least one of these heists, he is said to have cried the entire time.

Now when you've caused as much trouble as Todd had up to this point, it's logical to think that perhaps the cops are on your trail. So...time for a disguise. Shaving his head fit the bill, so that's what he did before heading out on another adventure in his stolen cab.

That adventure, it turns out, was crashing the vehicle into a parking garage.

Uh-oh, now how's he supposed to get around?

After an hour and a half of pondering this predicament, he decided to hail a new cab and head for Opryland. Once there, he held the driver at knifepoint because hey, why not?

And it's at this point that things came to an end.

Police finally caught up with Todd, who was hiding out on top of Opryland. But he wasn't just hanging out on the roof, o no. He had taken shelter in a water-cooling vat, submerged up to his nose.

He's been charged with 11 felonies, and that could just be the beginning of his trouble. According to police, he's also wanted by the State of Kentucky, but presumably not for anything this out there.

If there's ever been a case like this before, I don't think I've seen it. Talk about making the most out of your life of crime.

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go Where Good Looking Chicks Are Going To Be

Hey ladies. Before you get too comfortable in that office chair this afternoon, you might want to check it for things that shouldn't be there. Things likethe IT guy's urine, for instance.

A Farm Bureau official told investigators that Foley had access to the Farm Bureau’s employee database, which contains photographs of workers. He would browse the database and “pick out attractive females and then on off hours, he would come into work, go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs.”

After employees began noticing the appearance of mysterious chair stains late last year, Farm Bureau officials decided to try and trap the seat soiler.

A video camera installed in February subsequently recorded Foley urinating on the chairs of at least four female coworkers, according to the police report. “There is possibly 2 to 3 other chairs urinated on that were out of view of the cameras,” according to cops.

Foley is Raymond Foley, a 59-year-old now former employee of the Iowa Farm Bureau and current criminal mischief charge facer. His pee spree caused about $4500 worth of damage and will likely result in the replacement of 10 destroyed chairs.

So...why did he do it? I'm sure a few of us have a pretty good idea, but all we can officially do right now is guess. When questioned by investigators, All Foley said is that "I was doing inappropriate things I shouldn’t be doing." You don't say, Ray.

By the way, is it wrong that I wonder if there's anybody in the Farm Bureau office who might have gotten even the slightest bit offended by not being chosen as a target? Some people are pretty weird about stuff like that, especially when the word attractive starts getting thrown around.

Happy Last Valentine's Day Together, Honey!

If you want to do something a bit different for Valentine's Day and maybe even wind up single by the end of the week, I might have just the thing for you.

Why not treat your special lady or gentleman to a romantic tour of New York's Newtown Creek Wastewater treatment plant? I can think of all kinds of reasons, but hey, to each their own, right?

Jim Pynn says the highlight of the tour will be the plant's giant egg-shaped digesters, which break down the noxious waste into harmless sludge and gas.

Hmmm...giant egg-shaped digesters? I think I dated a couple of those in high school. Nice to know they're finally the highlight of something for somebody somewhere.

If you bring this outing up to your significant other and he or she seems a little hesitant, surely the offer of a Hershey kiss compliments of the plant will fix that right away. You know, because nobody can turn down a small nugget of chocolate from a friendly sewage worker. Nope, nothing sounds wrong about that at all.

If any of you go on this tour, be sure to let us know how it went...once the swelling goes down.

Got Any Mountain Dew?

I read this a few days ago, and it cracked me up, so here it is.

There's a lawsuit going on, where the plaintiff is claiming that he opened his can of Mountain Dew and found a mouse in there. They sent the mouse away for testing, and found out that it was a four-week-old mouse. This posed a problem for this fellow's lawsuit, because the can of mountain dew was bottled 74 days before he opened it up, took a big ol' chugga lugga and then puked all over everywhere.

But Pepsi didn't stop there. They actually got a veterinarian to testify that if a mouse was in Mountain Dew that long, it would have been nothing but jelly.

According to McGill, if a mouse is submerged in Mountain Dew between four and seven days, the rodent “will have no calcium in its bones and bony structures.” During those days of soft drink immersion, “the mouse’s abdominal structure will rupture.” Additionally, “its cranial cavity (head) is also likely to rupture within that time period,” McGill noted.

After 30 days exposure to Mountain Dew, “all of the mouse’s structures” would have disintegrated to the point that it would not be recognizable. In fact, “the mouse will have been transformed into a ‘jelly-like’ substance.” The only part of the rodent that could possibly survive, added McGill, was “a portion of the tail.”

Mmm, drink up!

So this is the part that perplexes me about this whole thing. Wouldn't it have been sufficient to say hey dude, the mouse wasn't even conceived when this pop was canned. It wasn't in there. Why, in your own defense, would you gross people the hell out with visions of what their product can do to living beings? I know it's what'll happen if a living being is submerged in anything acidic for 74 days, but people are dumb and they'll think what the Smoking Gun headline did. "Mountain Dew Will Dissolve Rats On Contact." I know, rationally, I'm not thinking that Mountain Dew will kill me, but I'm not in any hurry to buy a Mountain Dew just the same. I'll be envisioning ruptured heads and abdomens of rodents in it. Mmm. Good stuff!

I May Never Eat Again

I do believe I have found the anti Cherpumple. It's name is Twinkling Turkey and it sounds, for lack of a better descriptor, like complete shite wrapped in a blarfcake glazed in who's dumbfuck idea was that sauce.

So...who's dumbfuck idea was it? Hostess's, as it turns out. In 2006 the company put out a Twinkies cookbook, which I'm sure can't help but be mostly horrifying. I mean really, cutting up Twinkies, using the cake part as stuffing and then the filling as a glaze? The mere thought of that makes me want to throw up things I haven't eaten yet.

"Dear God, what is that smell?" my husband remarked as the odor wafted from the kitchen.

"What does it smell like?" I asked.

He wrinkled his nose. "Cake. Bad cake. And meat."

Indeed—the house smelled exactly how you would imagine a house with Twinkie-stuffed poultry in the oven would smell: like a turkey being roasted in a cupcake-scented Yankee Candle.

When the turkey was almost done, I mixed the reserved Twinkie crème with a quarter cup of honey, and used it to glaze the hot bird before popping it back in the oven for another 12 minutes. Suddenly, the smell coming out of the oven changed.

"Motor oil!" yelped my husband. "Will you open a window?"

Going At It Like Animals, Fine. With Animals, Not So Much. Science Says So

Since I'm sure a few of you have been wondering (search statistics don't lie), there is now scientific evidence to suggest that having sex with animals is twice as likely to give you penis cancer than sticking to those old, boring humans.

Lead author Stenio de Cassio Zequi, a urologist in Sao Paulo, gave Live Science his theory explaining the increased risk.

"We think that the intense and long-term SWA [sex with animals] practice could produce micro-traumas in the human penile tissue," Zequi said. "The genital mucus membranes of animals could have different characteristics from human genitalia, and the animals' secretions are probably different from human fluids. Perhaps animal tissues are less soft than ours, and non-human secretions would be toxic for us."

A member of an un-named pro-zoophilia group interviewed for the article said that the study is concerning, and that it should prompt people to use condoms when engaging in such activities rather than just stopping because it's creepy and blarf. Yes, that last bit was mine. She also had this to say:

She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. "They might become more cautious," she said, "but they wouldn't change their nature."

Nature? Nice choice of words there, lady.

So now you know, although if this is anything like most research, somebody will release a study next week to tell us that sex with animals cures AIDS and dementia while making you look and feel 10 years younger. We'll keep you posted, because that's kinda what we do around here. by the way, there appears to be no nice way to say that on a resume, in case you were wondering.

Gentlemen, Start Your Gag Reflexes!

I'm sorry for posting this right around breakfast time, but I publish as I find, unfortunately.

I like bacon. Really, I do. I'll probably have some and an egg on toast this morning, in fact. But as long as I live I'll never understand the need some folks have to put it on/use it to flavour everything whether it belongs there or not.


That right there is something called the bacakonator, and you can eat one at the Charlotte Motor speedway if you have no sense of taste or need to ingest it to win a sizable bet. It's a big ass funnel cake covered in chocolate and strawberry sauces. Had well enough been left alone, you wouldn't be reading this right now. But then I saw them. Words that right and proper explain where the word blarf came from. "Topped with a hefty helping of bacon." Just . . . no! Is it an American culture thing to want to eat stuff like that? What's wrong with grabbing a burger and fries?

Speaking of burgers, the same article tells us that the speedway also has you covered in that department if bacon and chocolate isn't your thing.

Also on the menu is the Charlotte pimento mac 'n' cheese burger. Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like (but more): an Angus beef burger topped with a scoop
of pimento mac 'n' cheese, then covered in crumbled pork rinds.

If I were to even attempt that, anyone in anything resembling close range would be covered in something, that's for sure.

I don't have a good way to end this, so I think I'm going to go get some air and let my stomach calm down. You should probably do the same.

You Know When It's Gross

Do me a favour. Listen to the dialogue in this here Wendy's commercial and tell me if it makes you not want a burger as much as I no longer want one.

the sentiment is sweet and all. Wendy naming a burger after her dad since he named the restaurant after her. Aww, that's nice. But Dave's thick, hot juicy beef? Really? I could have done without that, thanks.

Is it just me?

Gummy Bears, Stumbling Round And Falling Everywhere

With resourceful ideas like this, how can America not be a gloabal leader in math and science? Honestly, if anywhere near the amount of energy went into useful things like fixing the debt or curing diseases as goes into methods for improving laziness and the being hammered experience, that country would be whipping the world's ass at pretty much everything. It's not like they don't have the brain power to make wonderful things happen. To prove this point, I submit for your consideration vodka soaked gummy bears.

Seriously, who thinks of that? Alcoholics yes, but them excluded, this sounds like one of those dumb luck scientific discoveries you hear about all the time that seems to come out of absolutely nowhere. You know, the ones that left field looks at and says hey, where did that come from?

I know as a kid this would have struck me as brilliant, but right now all I can think is jesus, why would you ruin a perfectly good gummy bear like that? I imagine these things tasting like absolute crap. Has anybody tried them? I figure some of you must have since the story says they're "the new teen rage," and you know how well the news knows kids.

Cow Fight!

I'm sure today's news is full of lots of things to make you sad, horrified, and all other stuff. Just to break the mood, here's something to make you go blarf.

Steve saw this a few days ago, and retweeted it, and still I missed it. Wow. I suck. Apparently our great big buddy ol' pal Donna Simpson is very upset because someone is after her world record, and all the accompanying "prestige". Oh my my. I don't think I've heard an exchange that could simultaneously turn my stomach and fill my heart with disgust for both women. What a catty pair, neither of whom seem to have much of a life. But somehow, Donna Simpson seems worse. But maybe she's extra pathetic because she just got, er, dumped by her long-time lover. Maybe he took the advice I gave him in the first story and ran away to save his own life.

Just, yuck.

Something Else To Add To The Blech Box

Alright, kiddies, ready for a picnic? I've packed a special box just for yoooou!

First we have some smart bacon for the vegans among us. Next up, if we're stranded overnight, we have this entire breakfast we can make out of processed things. We even have cheeseburgers in a can or whole chickens in a can for dinner! And it's a picnic, so we have to have sandwiches. But these aren't your everyday sandwich. No no no. These are Candwiches! Mmm. Eat 'em up, yum! No? You're running away? Why? I think this piece from the website makes them sound downright scrumptious, don't you?

Candwich™, the official "Sandwich in a Can", is the perfect food for people on the go.   Busy moms, school kids, and outdoor recreationists love Candwich™.   The unique packaging offers convenience and protection in both lunch boxes and backpacks.   Whether packing a lunch for school or work, feeding kids on the run, or headed out for a fun outdoor adventure, Candwich™ is a great-tasting, healthy alternative to fast food.  

With an extended shelf-life, Candwich™ is ideal for emergency food storage needs in the event of a natural disaster.   Candwich™ tastes great, and because of the special Army formulated recipe, the bread stays as soft and sweet after one-year in storage, as it did the day it was made (If you can ever keep them around that long)!

Come on, kids, eat up! No, I won't be having any of those. But they're soooo gooood!

There Was Poopin' In The Park One Day

File this one under ug, this is the kind of shit, har har, that cops have to deal with sometimes.

For reasons that were not explained, a fellow had been banned from entering a given park. When cops found him there, they told him he was trespassing, and tried to place him under arrest. But when they told him to put his hands behind his back, he refused. When he finally told them why, his reason wasI can't put my hands behind my back because I'm making a bowel movement. And then, as if to prove his point, he reached inside his shorts, and, um, showed them the proof.

Blarf! *gag* Really, I have no other words. Those poor cops have stronger stomachs than I.

She Was Milking That Breastfeeding Mother Thing For All It Was Worth

Here's another sign that I'm either losing my touch, or I've seen one too many weird news stories.

It was all over the net. Har har, it was also all over her car, but ya know. Anyway, the story of Stephanie Robinette was everywhere.

I guess she and her husband were at a wedding, and then she got a little tipsy. And then a little angry. And then a little slap happy...at which point hubby called the cops. When they showed up, she had locked herself inside the car, and would not come out. When they decided to physically take her from the car, she unleashed one of her boobs and sprayed the cops and her car with breast milk. I guess she took lessons from Toni Tramel

And I thought I read somewhere that she's a school teacher! Hmmm.

Garage? Toilet? What's The Difference?

This story brings back memories of the old story of Austin Horries Purifoy

A woman heard her garage door slam, and her dog bark. Then she saw a naked man in her garage. So she called police. By the time they got there, they found the drunk, naked man had taken a big ol' crapperoo on her garage floor. But he had a perfectly valid excuse, or so he thought. He thought he was in his own garage. So, the moral of the story is don't walk into Thomas O’Neil's garage. You never know what you might step in.

So Was The Tank His Chrisco Hamper?

Well, it looks like we know who was hanging out in the toilet tank, and it wasn't our old, er, buddy. We now know that his name is Luke Chrisco, and he's really, really, really weird. Where do I even begin? He wants to be a porn star. He calls himself a worshipper of women. So that's what he was doing in the tank there? He romes around from festival to festival offering massages. He sometimes sleeps in a cardboard box because the greyhound station smells funny. He also offers himself as a male escort.

Yup, definitely very very weird.

What's That, The Creepy Pervert Pose?

This story about a man hiding in a portable toilet tank at a yoga festival made me think of Our buddy ol' pal Gary Moody. We don't know if this guy is him, but I'm very curious.

A woman went in to use the facilities, and noticed something moving in the tank. She left and got a guy to look at it. He saw it too so they got security to wait for him. They asked him to sit down, but he somehow got away. But they knew the man they asked to sit down had just come from the john tank, he was covered in crap. Ug!

Funniest to me was the fact that they didn't know how he managed to squish himself into the tank. Maybe he learned some good Yoga poses.

Also chuckle-worthy was a button right below the story. JAWS read it as graphic button 1 bm. Hmmm. How appropriate.

Sir, That's Not A Traytable. Please Take It Out Of The Upright Position

Update: Pearce has plead guilty to a misdemeanor and will be sentenced August 19th. He's currently free on $25000 bond and has already been ordered to undergo a mental evaluation and get counseling as conditions attached to that freedom.

Air travel can at times be a stressful, boring experience. But there are better ways to get through it than pulling...er...so to speak, a Kyle Pearce. Bring a book. Listen to some music. Write something. Almost anything but playing with your carry-on bag until you spill a few ounces of dangerous liquids on the seat.

As detailed by Daniel, an 18-year-old woman told investigators that she was seated in row 18 next to Pearce, who was in an aisle seat. “I sat next to a man on a plane who was masterbating [sic]. I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” the teenager recalled in a written statement. She added, “He ejaculated & got some on the seat. Then he went to the bathroom for a long time.”

A passenger seated directly behind Pearce, 18-year-old Grayson Miller, recalled that, “My friend Zach turned to me and said, ‘That man is masturbating’ and in disbelief, I looked and saw his penis and he was.” In his written statement, Miller reported that, “I hit him with my book in the arm, which caused him to stop and leave to the bathroom” in the Airbus A319.

If convicted of the indecency charges he now faces, Pearce is looking at a maximum of 90 days in jail, $5000 in fines and a year of supervised release.

Supervised release? Isn't that how he got himself into trouble in the first place?

Bringing A Whole New Meaning To Cybersex

And I thought the RealTouch was nasty.

Some japanese scientists have created a kissing machine.

The lab, part of The University of Electro-Communications, posted a video in which a researcher demonstrates the "Kiss Transmission Device." It's a motorized box that looks a little like a police Breathalyzer.

Talk about your moment killer.

In the video, Nobuhiro Takahashi, a graduate student and researcher at the university, manipulates the plastic tube on one device with his tongue. A program stores the movements on a computer and then transmits them to another device, causing its tube to move -- presumably in someone else's mouth.

Oooo! Sounds sooo hot! Not!

They say they want to simulate a full person to person experience. Gross! I don't think I could get into doin' it with a bunch of tubes. I know they say they want to make it feel more real, but I would think you could only go so far.

Now here's a creepy couple of sentences for you.

"Kiss information" can be recorded and replayed, presumably meaning someone could save and share a "kiss" over and over.

"For example, if you have a popular entertainer use this device and record it, that could be hugely popular if you offer it to fans," Takahashi said. (Can you say, Justin Bieber?)

Total Blech. I think the reporter had an apt name for this story. His last name was Gross.

You Vile Vile Speech Synthesizer You!

*gag* *gag* *hurl!*

Remember that sweet little It's Alright screen reader song I had? Well, this version is decidedly not alright. The same man who made the original, created "Taste my Cooch". I didn't know I could simultaneously laugh and gag, but I have learned that I can.

So, enjoy, er, run screaming, er, both.