Who Says There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity?

Living in the crazy and uncertain world that we call home, it's nice to know that now and then it is still possible to stumble across an absolute, irrefutable fact. So in that spirit, I present just such a thing, in the form of
possibly the worst advertisement for any product in the history of product advertising.

I'm not sure how long this page has been there, so maybe go and check it out quickly before somebody has the good sense to take it down.

What Resides in my creepy mind?

I woke up this morning quite disturbed by a dream I had. I dreamed I was at a banquet. There was tea and coffee and soft piano music and people clinking glasses and eating little squares. You could hear the murmur of people talking. Then I found my way to my table. There were administrators of various organizations, I can't remember what they all did, or why I was shmoozing with them. But then one of them talked about the human rights work they were doing. They said they were trying to help people who were, for one reason or another, political prisoners in foreign prisons. They said that as they sat nibbling on desserts, they were awaiting a page with news about one particular prisoner in a Chinese labour camp. Apparently the prison officials were going to make him have a brain operation that would render him incapable of communicating with the outside world to tell anyone what was done to him, but would still leave him physically capable of doing manual labour until the end of his sentence. The human rights people were trying to stop this, using all legal means they could, but it was a slow process and what could they do, being so far away? For all they knew, the operation could have already been done. Then the dream just ended and I woke up going, "What in the sweet holy christ was that?" It sort of reminded me of how it felt whenever they would talk about the whole William Sampson thing when he was being held in Saudi Arabia. I don't know. The whole atmosphere was very weird. So happy, even though everyone seemed to be there for very sad reasons.

I had another dream a couple years ago that the government had figured out that the best way to find out important secrets that people had was to always have their agents in crowds. They even created opportunities for crowds to form, like big celebrations and events. Then, they would simply disperse agents throughout the crowd whose sole purpose was to listen in on conversations. They had figured out that people talked more in crowds because they falsely believed that it was impossible for people around them to hear what they were saying. Then the event would end, the crowd would disperse, and guess who would disappear from their home that night?

The weird part about that dream is I can see some truth to it. Not the government part, although with all the listening in on phone calls and such, I guess it's not impossible, but the false sense of security people have about crowds. I've been in crowded buses and heard people's stories about an abusive boyfriend, someone having AIDS, stuff about drugs, stuff about putting laxatives in some brownies and giving them to someone, stuff that probably shouldn't be talked about openly. But they think no one will listen because everyone seems to be wrapped up in their own conversations.

The scariest part of these dreams is I have never had these thoughts consciously before I had the dreams. I can't even begin to figure out where they came from. When I woke up from the dreams, it was as if someone else was dreaming in my head. There are some dreams you have that you understand why you had them. But these were like completely new concepts to me. What is crawling out of the recesses of my mind that I didn't even know existed? God I sound like I've lost my mind. But I swear I haven't.

Another One For The "Do We Really Need That?" Files

If you're one of those people who thought that the
SMS tea kettle
was a great idea, then you're going to love the new
self-stirring mug.

As for me, I think I need a good cry.

A Few Ways to Be a Little More Helpful

To everybody who posts apartment listings: when choosing between whether to mention how much the damn thing costs or to gush about the apartment's view, you might want to choose to mention the rent. If you do mention the monthly rent, please tell me if it's inclusive or not. I know you're thinking you'll get more calls if you heighten the element of mystery, but I'd rather call about something I can afford for sure than call, find out the utilities are not included, and have to hang up disappointed. This bugged me when I was doing my own apartment hunt, and now that I'm helping a friend, it's bugging me again!

To the people who share the computer at the place where I answer phones: How hard is it to lower the system volume by using the, um, system volume control? I mean, we made an icon appear right in front of your eyes for that purpose. Does it make you feel like a computer genius to lower the volume by playing with the extremely hard to adjust embedded speakers, even though there are specific instructions taped to the computer telling you not to do that? If it does, why don't you show your skills of genius and come over here and fix it so I can actually use the system when I'm on shift? Or would you prefer to type up my reports and be my personal internet surfer, because thanks to your cute little adjustments of the volume, I can't use the damn computer! Thank you.

And finally, to people who I ask for help finding places: When I ask you a specific question about where a certain door leads, if you don't know, say "I don't know!" How hard is that? Saying "yes" when it doesn't lead where I ask will only frustrate both of us, especially when I ask the same question 3 times, you insist it does, and then woops, it doesn't! I appreciate the help, but sometimes it's like talking to a wall.

Ok, I think my bitch session is over. I'll go away now.

Dingo was Its Name Oh?

Um. Yeah. People in Australia really want us to stop saying, "Perhaps the Dingo Got your Baby." Now they're training them to be guide dogs!

Yep, I'm serious. Ok, first we got guide horses, and now we have guide dingos! Are we really running out of dog breeds? I mean, I understand looking for new things that work, but this is a fucking dingo! They like to hunt and are still very wild. I think they look like a wolf since they're a sub-species of a wolf. You need a special permit to even own them as a pet! So do you really think they're going to calm down enough to guide? I understand they're very smart and they bond very strongly with the owner, but they're...a dingo! It even said in the story that this guy's guide dingo was getting old, so he wanted to get a new one, but the old one didn't take kindly to getting the new pup, so he's going to have to wait until she dies before he can get a new pup. Ok, now the dog is ruling the guy. Is that a good idea?

What animal is going to be guiding next. Are we going to have guide coyotes? Maybe I'm just too tradditional. But I still can't get over the fact that...it's a dingo!

Come to Manitoba. You Might Accidentally Get Killed.

What is it with kids in Manitoba these days?

A Bunch of Crap to Try and Fill the Void

Well, it's been a week and none of us have said shit all. Sorry about that. But that's what happens when one of us gets laid out by a wicked cold, he seems to be over it, we have a party, and then wam! The other one gets the same wicked cold and the first one realizes nope, I'm not quite over it. So I figure I'll just throw a bunch of stuff together.

First off, this cold is a bastard. It seems to find its way to every corner of the world, fucking up the lives of people everywhere. It's nuts. And it seems to vary its bag of tricks depending on the person. For Steve, it made him hurt all over, filled his ears with crap so he felt like he was deaf, and took his energy, along with making his throat hurt like hell and making him want to cough all the time. For me, it has made me sound like Steve's 9-year-old cousin, a boy I might add. All I have to do is add a lisp and it's bang on. Plus it's making me cough all the damn time. But thankfully I can still hear, which is good because I have to go out and do things today, and that means needing to hear to cross streets. I don't feel like being cold-ridden road-pizza. I just hope I'm not still fighting this two weeks later like poor Steve is.

I think I've found a wee small problem with this building. We have one hell of a whiny bitch of a neighbour. Ok, I think there have been four times this month that the management has been at our door, in the middle of the day I might add, to ask us if we have music up loud. Then they stare at us, befuddled, wondering why they have been sent. There was one time when the music was up kind of loud, but it wasn't even late!

Apparently there's a woman in this building who just had a baby, who just can't stand noise. She's even been told that her baby's crise are louder than the music she's hearing. AT least the management is being cool about this whole thing and knows that we're not trouble. But come on! She makes us feel that we can't even live our lives normally. What really pisses me off is I know what it's like to live beside a noisy neighbour. Don't believe me? I lived beside Stupidhead and Ditzomatic. I know a noisy neighbour, and it burns me up to be painted with the same brush for no good reason. At least she's only hear for another month.

I was watching an episode of Star Trek Voyager on the weekend, and something profoundly pissed me off. It's small, but to me, it's not so small. Allow me to geek out for a second. There was this weird episode where a bunch of people were in stasis for years, but their minds were being kept active in an artificial environment. This environment was programmed to change, to respond to their needs. Somehow, since they were all afraid that something might go wrong, all their fears manifested themselves into this weird clown character. Ok, geeking over. At one point, one of the crew said, "Like the man said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Uh, ahem, the man? The fucking man? How about we put a name on this, uh, man. Let me give you a helping hand. It starts with Franklin and ends with Roosevelt and there's a D in the middle. It happened in this fucking century and it was a president of the nation in which the creators of this series live.

Maybe it pisses me off even more because the person with whom I was sitting actually thought this was made up by the script writers and given to the guy who plays Harry Kim. Oh how clever of them. How profound and novel. They're so brilliant. Um, nope. This is a chance to teach some people who may not know about history a little bit about history. But they chose to say, the man. Maybe the script writers don't know who said it either. Go look it up. Google knows, why don't you?

I was reading a few blogs I often read, and I need some second opinions. I want to know whether or not I am an insensitive bitch. I came across this post, and was left going, what's the problem? Short summary. While sitting at a table beside some loud, drunken folk, some black people walked by who were described as:
obviously decked out — quite atrociously so — for homecoming festivities. One gentleman in particular sported a baby blue pimp suit and all of the guys had on sunglasses…at 8:30pm. They knew they were slammin.

Note the author is making fun of these guys.

Then she says the loud white drunks at the next table started calling them the Jackson five and doing a wacky dance and laughing at them. She thought this was horribly racist and made loud remarks to that effect.

Um, maybe the drunk guys were making fun of them because they probably looked like the, um, er, Jackson Five. The author herself thought they looked ridiculous and like goofs. So what's the problem? If a bunch of white guys went by dressed in stupid outfits and somebody laughed and said, "Look, there goes NSYNC," would that be racist too? I hope so. Now, if these so-called douches were constantly making jokes about watermellons and fried chhicken, then yep, I'm totally on side. Call them racists. Hell, stick a sign on their heads, I'll supply the tape. But until then, I don't quite follow.

I admit that I wasn't there and I don't live in the U.S. and I'm not black, but that sounded like innocent fun. But everyone seems to agree with her. So what am I missing? I left a comment and it's pending moderation.

Oh shit, I suppose since I have to be out of here soon, I should get ready. See ya later.

Does This Disturb You as Much as It Does Me?

Does this scare you? It should. George W. Bush just signed a new bill into law that will allow terror suspects to be tried sooner, interrogators to legally use techniques like sleep-deprivation and induced hypothermia, and make it even more ok than they seem to think it is now to hold people indefinitely.

This disturbs me on so many levels. First, it disturbs me that we've reached the point where government can be so brazen as to just stand there and go "yep, we're torturing suspected terrorists, and we're going to sign it into law and there's nothing you're going to do about it." There's not even an effort to hide what they're doing. They're not even afraid of any opposition.

Second, it disturbs me because these people are being treated as guilty before anyone has even come close to finding them guilty. What happened to all the freedoms that everyone is supposed to receive under the law?

Third, don't they know that torturing information out of people only gets them to say what the torturer wants to hear? I think they do, that's the scary part.

Oh this world is going to hell.

Somebody Tell Quality Control To Stop Working Off The Clock

B.C. LIQUOR WORKERS WARNED TO BEHAVE THEMSELVES AT AWARDS DINNER

I can't speak for anyone else, but this sounds like a pretty fun night to me.

Or Maybe People in Manitoba Don't understand fires.

12-year-old charged with burning playmate, 11.

Ooo! Let's spray ourselves with bug spray and then light it. Sounds like great gobs of fun!

I Smell Something Burning. It's Common Sense!

A friend sent me a story that pissed me off, so I thought I'd write about it.

Let me try and sum this up for you. At a housing complex in a tough neighbourhood in Winnipeg, a bunch of kids between the ages of 8 and 11 decided to set fire to a shed in the playground. A 14-year-old boy saw them trying to burn the shed down. They started calling him names, shoved him into the shed, which wasn't hard to do since he has trouble walking, jammed the door shut and set the fire. Someone heard the commotion and managed to get the boy out and firefighters took him to hospital. He escaped with some smoke inhalation, but he's fine now, at least physically.

Now, because of their age, the kids who did this to him can't face any kind of charges or consequences whatsoever. The best the police can do is send them to a voluntary program to tell them about the dangers of fire. But, the story says these kids' parents aren't really a major presence in these kids' lives. So how many of them do you think will show up for the program?

Some people are thinking, obviously, that something needs to be done about this. They don't want to send kids to jail. But they want them to face some kind of community service, and maybe their parents should be made to pay fines for the damage the kids did. Maybe that would teach them to supervise their little rascals.

But of course, people are screaming that this is unfair, "draconian" even, as stated by federal Liberal justice critic Sue Barnes. She thinks maybe these kids didn't understand that what they were doing could have hurtor killed somebody.

Ok. When did your teachers and parents teach you that when the fire alarm goes off, get out because it's not safe to be in a building with a fire? I think I was about five. If I know that fire can hurt or kill me, I think I can think far enough ahead that maybe we shouldn't lock someone in a burning shed because no good can come of that.

The ridiculous statements continue. >> "As far as we know from child development literature, this whole idea of future consequences is something that ... probably is not fully developed until well into late adolescence," said professor Barry Mallin, who teaches school psychology at the University of Manitoba. Oh yeah? Then why are kids aged 12 and up able to be charged with a crime?

Then there's this gem. "I would think (children) don't see the whole physiological aspect of saying, `You know, you put a kid in there and he starts inhaling smoke and he's going to be incapacitated and he's eventually going to die,'" said Professor Glen Bergeron, who teaches kinesiology and applied health at the University of Winnipeg.

Congrats, mr. Big words. Congrats on making "Fires are dangerous and can hurt you, they could even kill you," into something harder to understand than it has to be. I think those kids can understand that. And if they can't, well I guess mom and dad need to keep a closer eye on them, don't they? Maybe they need to teach them a few things.

It's sad that, in a world where personal responsibility is a dying concept, some people want to kill it even faster.

Wear Pants Next Time

Roofer nails testicle to roof

Are There A Lot Of Kidnappings In Spain Or Is This Guy Just An Idiot?

Woman "kidnaps" son four times for ransom

MADRID (Reuters) - A Spanish woman staged fake kidnappings of her son four times and got his father to pay her more than a million euros ($1.26 million) in ransom money, newspaper El Mundo reported Friday.

Police in the southern Spanish city of Seville arrested the woman and five accomplices, including the 15-year-old son who cooperated in the deception by calling his father on the telephone and begging him to pay up.

The father paid ransoms after the first three fake abductions without realizing the involvement of his son's mother, from whom he had separated. He became suspicious the fourth time and hired a private detective, El Mundo reported.

Oh Shut Up!

This is one of those stories where, I hope anyway, you read it and just say to yourself, "you've got to be kidding!"

It seems that the mother of a Muslim grade 5 student in Edmonton is very upset because the new issue of a booklet used to teach students about current events had the nerve to run a story about the recent plot to blow up commercial airplanes that was discovered by British authorities. The people behind the publication, called "What in the World?", had the unmitigated gall to mention in their article that all of the suspects arrested in connection with the plot were Muslim which, at least last I heard, they were.

But that doesn't matter to Sabah Fares, who says that her daughter felt like "running away" when the story was used in her class because she is the only Muslim there.

"I don't blame her," Fares said. "This is what I'm going to do if everybody is looking at me like 'Oh, they did it,'"

I don't know about any of you, but I think this might be a good time for someone to call a waambulance.

I know through experience that there's discrimination out there, and I know that people, especially children, can be really, really mean sometimes. But to sit there and say that the authors of a news article are stereotyping your people by presenting the facts is just flat out ridiculous, there's no other way to say it. If that were the case, why not go after CBC or CTV or any of the thousands of other media outlets who because it happens to be their job, told the same damn story? The people you have to worry about aren't the people who wrote the story or the teacher who decided to use it. The ones you should be concerned with are the ones who A are ignorant enough to look at all Muslims and say "oh, they did it" and B your fellow Muslims who were ignorant enough to try to blow up airplanes to prove a point. Attacking a school for teaching kids about news that you don't happen to like won't get anybody anywhere unless your ultimate goal is to shield your child and others from the world. If anything, maybe you should be happy that stories like this are getting out. Perhaps if we teach kids from an early enough age that violence in the name of peace is fucking retarded no matter what colour or faith you are, maybe a few generations from now we'll have taken some serious steps towards stamping out the idea that such a thing is acceptable. I know it sounds crazy, but it worked on slavery, so anything's possible.

Somebody Really, Really Loves Jonathan Coulton!

Oh my god this is funny. This guy, whoever he is, sat down, took all the titles of the things a week from Jonathan Coulton, whipped out the tune from The Presidents, and made a tribute to the Things a week. It's kinda geeky, kinda funny, kinda shittily recorded, kinda got too many syllables, but ah damn, it just has to be heard. It even has solos that sorta sound like excerpts from Jo Co's things. If you listen to it, after the ad finishes for the service hosting the file, turn the volume way up. Hopefully, this direct link will work, but if it doesn't, the link to the lyrics has a link to the page where you can download the mp3, for as long as it sees the light of day. So grab it now! It's hillarious!

I am Blind! Not stupid!

God! What is with anything in a specialty market? The people who are selling these products think, and let me emphasize the word THINK, that they have the people who want it by the short and curlies and can sell it for whatever inflated price they want. They also think that their customers sincerely believe they can only get these things from one place. Companies selling these things perpetuate this by not giving you the name of whatever company manufactures the products they distribute, so those who are newbies to this whole thing will be convinced of this, and won't bother to shop around. To add insult to injury, they think they can condescend to their customers and treat them like stupid, worthless piles of shit when they call. After all, we should be grateful that this company is willing to sell these specialty products to us at all, right?

Wrong!

Hey bud, when a product is $50 U.S, do you think that you can honestly expect me to buy it from you for $120 Canadian, just because you're Canadian? Do you think I'll actually believe the dollar is that bad? Even at its worst, it wasn't that abysmal. Wake up!

And bud no. 2, if you're an hour away, do you think I'm going to swallow $15 worth of shipping? Hell I could probably get a drive down there and pick it up from your slimy hands for less than that!

And bud no. 3 who actually makes these things, how can you expect me to believe that the reason you don't ship to Canada is because it costs more than the product's value to ship it? The one I want is $50 U.S. Who is your shipper, and who is doing your books? You need to fire him immediately for not noticing that you're getting gouged to the tenth power on shipping! You can't tell me that's the real reason and expect me to believe it.

Here's a message to all of these companies who think that charging insane prices for this shit is a good idea. I will leave you with a name to chew on. Anne Moris. She once sold the same products that other people did, but her prices were nuts. Do you know where Anne Moris Enterprises is now? Gone! Dead! Nonexistent! 404! Out of business! I don't know precisely why, but those insane prices sure didn't help, partly because they're ludicrous, and partly because word gets around. Soon we tell our friends, and they find other places to buy the stuff. The whole small market thing can work both ways.

The Canadian National Institute for the Blind (CNIB) should learn this soon, or they won't be able to keep their tech aids store open any longer because no one will shop there. But it may close anyway, just like everything else of theirs is doing. Oops did I say that out loud? Seriously, though, of all the people guilty of trying to rip customers off, they are second only to Maxiaids, who I won't even link to because I won't give traffic to people who are called fraudsters by anyone who has dealt with them. I tell everyone I can to not buy from the CNIB. First of all, they don't even know who manufactures their products. Second, they charge exorbitant prices. Third, when you ask questions, they treat you like you shouldn't even dare ask these questions and just buy the product, which is bad because some of the stuff they sell doesn't even work as advertised. And then they wonder why I won't buy things from them sight unseen.

And here's a message to all the companies who think that they don't have to worry about customer service. You do! When I phone up and ask a question about a product, don't speak to me like I'm a. 2 years old and b. troubling you immensely. If you don't want to answer customer inquiries, don't open your god damn business! I phoned one place this morning and asked this guy who sounded like the slimiest swindler on the planet how much the shipping was on a product. He very slowly asked me, "Where do you live, dear?" I told him and he said, "Gee, how much *does* it cost to ship to there, dear?" I said that's why I was phoning him. Then he just went, "oh...hmmm...I'd say about $15." Did you just dream that figure up? Or are you actually going to look it up for me like a normal person would? Needless to say, I'm not buying it from there.

There has only been a couple of adaptive product companies who have treated me well, and they consistently get my business. This is why it pisses me off to see so many of them trying to treat me like crap. If there were a zillion places to choose from, I'd just shrug it off that this one company sucks and move onto the next place. But there are so few that sell this stuff, and it sucks to have to dig for the good service. But here's a lesson for you folks who sell products like these. I *will* dig for the good service. We *do* have options. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can start working on saving your company from going under.

Wow, am I ever lucky!

For a while, when I thought about writing this post, I was afraid it would sound like that whole twisted appreciation concept I was talking about last year. But I will try not to make it sound that way.

Just recently, I had to do some training for a place where I volunteer. The organization helps women who have been abused in one way or another. There's the shelter, there's the place where someone who has been sexually assaulted can get some counselling, there's the rural women's support program, the transitional support program, and then there are community events designed to raise awareness. But the thing that shokcs me when I go for these trainings is not the content of the training. It's the things the other women say who are also coming to the training. I am always amazed at how many of them are survivors of some form of abuse.

I know the statistics are high. I know it happens to a lot of people, and that saddens me. But when it's suddenly possible to put faces, not just one face, but a whole room-full of them, on those statistics, it sure has a lot more power. I suddenly felt like the odd one out, and I know this sounds absolutely horrible to say, but I felt unbelievably lucky!

Let me try and explain, try and make that sound better. I didn't feel lucky in the "Remember, someone has it worse off than you..." sort of way. I just meant statistically. When it happens to so many, how did I manage to escape? How did I make it through childhood without having my innocense destroyed? How did I not meet that horrible, possessive boyfriend who turned out to be a complete and utter asshole? How did I go to university and somehow avoid being raped somewhere along the way? How did I stay so free and clear of what so many people have the unfortunate experience of meeting head on? A more ominous question comes to mind. How long will I be able to stay so lucky? Will I meet the wrong friend one day who will try to take what I don't want to give? I know I don't have to worry about the abusive boyfriend/husband thing unless, *shiver* something happens to Steve and I meet someone else much, much later. But when we were not together, oh that thought scared me. I was afraid some manipulative asshole would read that I was low, make me feel good to get to me, and then once he had control of me, I'd be screwed. So I didn't really super go out looking for dates. I just watched the weirdies come out of the woodwork. But even with that worry behind me, with my tendency to meet freaks, how long will it be before I have to fend off some creep?

And now I've probably made some people think I'm neurotic, pissed off some others, and made some others very uncomfortable. Hopefully I make sense to someone.

Ah, Sweet Revenge

Man, I wish I had half the creativity of Tom Mabe in this clip. Now there's revenge on a telemarketer. The fun part is watching the telemarketer squirm. That's just beautiful. I'd love to do that to those Capital One fuckers that keep calling.

What a Dirty Trick!

Ok, this morning, after I got off the bus, I realized that I was kind of hungry. Since the place where I was going to answer the phones doesn't have a lot of food, I thought I'd nip into this cute little restaurant nearby and grab some takeout. So up the street I came, not sure if they would be open or not. As I crossed the street, I could smell the wonderful aroma of hope! It smelled like they were open! So I walked up to the door, and damn it, they were still closed! Damn those bastards, teasing me like that.

I Drank Tea, Look Out, World!

Oh boy. This morning, I woke up and decided I felt like having a cup of tea. Sometimes, I can have tea, and nothing will happen. But sometimes, sometimes, ... the sheer tornado of energy created by having a tea rivals the cuppa soup craze! And that's what I feel right now. So I'm going to try and harness it and write a post before I have to go somewhere and answer phones for 4 hours. It's random rampage time!

Sorry for being suckily inconsistent at posting lately. The sad thing is I have ideas, but I never seem to have the time or energy to write them down. Remember that horrible anti-smoking ad where this beautiful woman turns into this ugly hag who is hacking up a lung and all it says is, "Smoking! It'll suck the life...right out of you." Well, sub in job-searching, and change the hag from hacking up a lung to, hmmm, what can we do to her? Maybe she has an ulcer and a heart attack. Some days last week, I felt like that old hag. God damn it I hate scouring postings hoping something will come through. It especially sucks when I have to go the extra mile just to complete their minimum requirements sometimes. I bust my ass and most times, I get a big fat nooo! Oh well, somehow, some way, some day I will find something, and I will have earned it, god damn it! So that's my lame excuse for having no energy to post what few ideas I have. Ok I'll stop complaining like a snivelling baby and move on.

Wouldn't you agree that sending me junk mail about conservation is...well...not very conservation-minded? It would be one thing if they had pamphlets available for those who *wanted* them. But if you're going to force it on me, I'm only going to throw it away! Way to waste another few trees, environmentalist jackass!

After years of making envelopes, you'd think they'd make the crap you have to lick to seal them taste a little less gross. Ug. I just thought about that, well, actually Steve thought about it, when he was sealing an envelope, and he's right. It's nasty. Ok, maybe we're both just weird.

Holy crap the weather sucked yesterday. I saw rain, snow and hail! What the hell? At least the snow didn't stay, but snow in October sucks! If winter comes early, I'll cry. As much as I don't want our part of the world to sizzle on the grill of global warming, I would like to have winter stick to the months where it's supposed to be cold! Looks like it's time for me to start whistling First of May so I can make myself think happy thoughts, about, uh, the end of winter, not the rest of it. Yes, I said whistling.

I saw something that always makes me laugh a little. I was walking down a nearly deserted street with a friend, and a man was walking on the other side of the street, ranting as if he's standing before a church congregation. But there is no one there. As we continued walking, he came over to the other side. He was ranting away, and then when he got really close to us, he stopped ranting and said to us, "hello, ladies, have a good day." Then he stayed silent until we were a fair distance away and then started ranting again. I know these people have problems, but they're aware that they shouldn't be ranting in front of people, so why do they do it? It baffles me. It kind of reminds me of the dude who was yelling at no one in particular, and then took notice of dad's truck, a Dodge Dakota, and said, "...and Dakotas suck!" Ok, chief.

And shit I gotta run! Gotta go answer those phones I was talking about! Hope I don't miss the bus!

Brownie Camp? Try Boot Camp!

I get some interesting responses when I tell people I'll be heading away to guide dog school. Some people are just shocked that I have to go away for a month, some people want to know what happens there. And some people think I'm going away for a month for a vacation. I mention where it is, and they go "Ooo! You're going to California! That'll be nice, lounging on the beach and all. I hope you get a nice tan..." or "So, since you're living with these people, is it like Brownie camp? Are you going to sit around a campfire and make smores and sing songs?"

No! I'm going to school! Sure there is going to be some fun, but it's going to be primarily work, and I'm going to be exhausted at the end. There will be very little lounging. I will be up at 6-ish in the morning so that I can feed my dog and let it do its morning business and then I have to get ready and eat, and stuff starts at 8 or so! It is a full day, and there's a ton to learn. It is going to be draining. It is not going to be a fucking walk in the park.

Sure, I'm looking forward to it, and sure I hope I meet some cool people, but I'm sick of people making me feel like I'm using guide dog school as an excuse to sip drinks and lounge on the beach for a month.

Before you Say you Comply with the ADA, You Might Want to Know What a Disability is.

Excuse me while I vent a little. Boy am I ever pissed off. I think this will rival my rabbid rage-fest about Bell. Oh no, that one will win hands down just for length and complete lack of clarity, oh and number of hahahaha's. Ok, so this post gets one of those now. Let's go.

I get really good news today, so why does it turn into a piss-fest you say? Well I'll explain. I got a follow-up call on a job I applied for. I just about jumped through the roof. She's like ok well I just want you to complete these tests and then we'll see how you do. I'm like ok, are these tests all text and do they have any time-limits? She said I think they're all text and there are no time limits. So I run off like a good little potential client services assistant to do my test. I se that she has sent me a full battery of tests, 8 of them. I just about shit myself, but I set off to do them. I open the website and they say that there is no overall time-limit, except that there is a time-limit of a half-hour per question so as not to be discriminatory, and comply with the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act). I just about jump through the roof with happiness. A web-designer that understands people with disabilities might have trouble with a website. That means they probably get the blindness thing. I completed a basic math test, and as far as I can tell, I aced it. I moved on to the next test. About four questions in, I get to a question on interpreting tables. The question reads: "Please compare the following list with the order form below." There! is! no! order! form! below! If there is, it is in a bloody, fucking, blasted, son of a bitch, motherfucking, cocksucking, everloving, piece of shit picture! I! don't! do! pictures!

raaaaaar!

Oh that felt good. I'm gonna have to do that again.

Raaaaaaar!

Process that for a while. In order to be compliant with the ADA, I would think you'd have to do some fucking research. And it would not take you very long to come to the conclusion that pictures don't work, folks. Hey webmasters. Here's some help. How about starting here That would be a fine start. Then keep going. Ya know? Live up to the commitment of actual compliance with ADA? I don't give a rat's ass on most websites if the pictures aren't labelled super well. As long as I can fight my way through, it's cool. But if you're a testing website, whose results may decide someone's fate when it comes to employment, do it right, folks!

And that would be the place where I usually would stop. But there's more. In trying to do this test, they mentioned a tech support line and said you could phone it 24 hours a day from Monday to Friday. So I do. I am greeted by a heavily-accented voice that can barely say the name of the company followed by, "howcanihelpyou?" You know the way mumbly accents sound? Like it's all one word? I tell him that I'm blind, and half of the question is in picture form, so can he please log in and read me the contents of the picture so that I can complete the question if I give him my session ID? He responds with, "Uh...so what is the problem?" Keep in mind that, although I have a half-hour per question, the clock *is* ticking. I explain it again, very...slowly. He tries to deny that it has a picture. I tell him, dude, if my screen-reader isn't reading it, it's probably a picture. JAWS doesn't make a routine out of reading only half the screen. He puts me on hold, and then comes back and says, "Yes. It's a picture. I can read this question to you, but there will be other ones later on." I shoot back, "Well then I know where to phone when I run into another question with a picture, don't I now?" He says, "Well no. Get someone with sight to read it to you." And that's when every bloody part of me raises up in absolute rage. Newsflash, asscrap, if you want to be ADA-compliant, that doesn't mean the blinks have to call over sighties. It means that I can complete the test, and if I can't, you fuckers deal with the consequences. Oh my oh my oh my oh my I was mad. I told him that this was obviously not compliant with the ADA, as the site stated. He told me I had to tell this to the person who gave me the test. I told him I would have no problem doing that, but I expected that he would tell his superiors as well. He's like, well maybe I could. Maybe? It's their damn site! Really, me telling the person who told me to go do this test will do exactly nothing. If he tells the people in charge of the site, something might actually happen. It would be like someone recommending that I try out this new MP3-player, the MP3-player being broken when I bought it, and then when I told the company that it was broken, they would tell me I should really address my concerns to Bill Jones over there who told me to go give their product a try. Wouldn't that be ridiculous? I couldn't believe he made me feel like it was primarily my responsibility to deal with this, and that he had no obligation to pass the message along, even when he realized that yes, there were pictures, and no, they wouldn't work for me.

I hung up the phone, and had to tell this person offering me a job that I couldn't complete the test because of, gulp, issues between the screen-reader, gulp, the thing that makes my computer, gulp, talk, because I'm, gulp, blind, and pray that didn't send my resume and cover letter straight to file 13. Of course when I spoke to them, there were no gulps, but I hate telling people who have any sort of control over whether or not I get a chance at something about the whole blindness thing any sooner than I have to, because people hear the word blind and shut down. So thank you very much, Prove it, for perhaps jeopardizing a job opportunity. Thank you ever so much. And now would be a wonderful time to head back to the drawing board on your accessibility plan, fucknuts! Raaaaar!

Pet Look-Alike? How About Pet-Think-Alike!

Steve sent me this story a few days ago, but I've either been too busy, too tired or not here at all so it didn't get posted until now, which is a tragedy! Ok, let's start roasting!

Owners sue LA agency for not turning pets into stars

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Stage mothers for a Rottweiler and other dogs have sued a company called Hollywood Paws for failing to turn their pooches into stars.

More than a dozen pet owners contend the company collected tens of thousands of dollars but never delivered on promises to get film and television auditions for their pets.

I was sympathetic to them, until I read...

"I lost a lot of money," said Rachel Armstrong, owner of Goliath the Rottweiler.

Armstrong said she believed her dog had the "cool" factor that would get him into music videos and paid nearly US$2,000 to Hollywood Paws LLC for training.

All she got was a rejection from "The Tyra Banks Show."

First of all, cool factor? He's a dog! I love dogs, but this is over the top! And if she even got a letter from any show, they did what they could. Maybe he's meant to be, um, a dog?

Lawyer Cynthia Mulvihill filed the suit in Superior Court earlier this month.

How much do you want to bet that *when* this case flops, these same people sue this lawyer for not getting them a win as promised?

"Who wouldn't want to be told, 'Hey your member of the family is beautiful and should be in the movies'?" she asked.

And what did that even have to do with whether or not this thing even belongs in a court?

Hollywood Paws offers training in such media skills as getting a pooch or cat to crawl, freeze or scratch on command.

On its Web site, the company warns: "Completing these courses won't guarantee that your house pet will become a screen pet."

What's that sound? Your case evapourating?

The business also has a talent agency and bills itself as "a way to effectively link animal actors and studio trainers with professionals in the entertainment industry looking for new talent."

Hollywood Paws owner Larry Lionetti contends he never promised acting jobs, although he said several animals had won spots in commercials.

"Everybody knows down in your town that there are actors and actresses waiting on tables until a part comes along," he said. "Who in L.A. doesn't know this?"

This concludes another episode of wow, we're stupid! What's going to become of us?

Is Evolution Eliminating our Spines?

Wow. If this crap continues, there is no hope for us. My comments are in bold.

Ban 'evil' Harry Potter, board told

Oct. 4, 2006. 09:02 AM
ASSOCIATED PRESS

ATLANTA - A suburban county that sparked a public outcry when its libraries temporarily eliminated funding for Spanish-language fiction is now being asked to ban Harry Potter books from its schools.

Laura Mallory, a mother of four, told a hearing officer for the Gwinnett County Board of Education on Tuesday that the popular fiction series is an "evil" attempt to indoctrinate children in the Wicca religion.

and they're bothering to have this hearing because? Are we to extend this logic and say that Alice in Wonderland indoctrinated children in the taking of acid? Come the fuck on! It's fiction!

Board of Education attorney Victoria Sweeny said that if schools were to remove all books containing reference to witches, they would have to ban "Macbeth" and "Cinderella.''

Stands up and cheers. But who knos? She was probably fired because she possessed far too high a level of critical thinking skills to be trusted and considered safe.

"There's a mountain of evidence for keeping Harry Potter," she said, adding that the books don't support any particular religion but present instead universal themes of friendship and overcoming adversity.

Duh!

In June, the county's library board eliminated the $3,000 that had been set aside to buy Spanish-language fiction in the coming fiscal year. One board member said the move came after some residents objected to using taxpayer dollars to entertain readers who might be illegal immigrants.

Oh yeah, this is Georgia. Oh excuse me. That was very bigoted and evil. And probably unfair. It seems attitudes like these are running fucking rampent.

Days later, the board reversed its decision amid accusations that the move was anti-Hispanic.

Again, duh!

This is the point where I wonder if we humans even have a spine anymore. Do we just give in to one whiny bitch who cries loud enough? Does a person only have to use magic buzz words to get their way, not a logical brain and some common sense? It seems to be the way to go, because somewhere else in Georgia, another loud and whiny bitch shrieked that bananas were offensive, and now they are. What the fuck? Somebody save the spine before it goes extinct!

Uh, the Helmet was the problem?

Just read this and let it settle in.

Nude motorcyclist ticketed for wearing wrong helmet

GUELPH (Oct 4, 2006)

A motorcyclist wearing nothing but a football helmet was ticketed Monday evening after Guelph Police received several calls about the nude rider.

Sergeant Cate Welsh said police got a number of calls about the bareback rider making his way through the downtown area about 11:20 p.m. An officer stopped the man on Elizabeth Street and found the unusual ride to be a prank.

"He was being filmed by a local car enthusiast club," Welsh said.

The rider got a ticket for not wearing an approved motorcycle helmet.

So what can we take from this? It's ok to go nude, just wear the right helmet?

They got Sick! Real Quick!

Ok, this just pisses me off because I thought people knew better.

Taken from the story in Google News

A five-year-old boy needed a liver transplant after he and his family were severely poisoned by wild mushrooms they picked in Waterloo and ate for dinner last week.

Ok, how did a whole family miss the infamous don't put it in your mouth ad? Those certainly weren't muffins or beets, and they sure got sick, real quick.

Failing that, did this family miss the six zillion warnings I've heard to not eat wild mushrooms? The ones that say that they could kill you? How'd they manage it? It never said in the article anywhere that these mushrooms looked exactly the same as some mushrooms that this family knew were eddible. It just sounded like the family decided to go for a stroll and get close to nature and pick some mushrooms they saw along the way that looked yummy. Now, because of their stupididy, their little boy will probably never be the same. He's damn lucky to be alive, that's for sure. But it makes me mad that something so stupidly preventable wasn't prevented.

Mommy, it's Over!

Well, I can't believe it. Friday will come around again, and there will be one less thing to do, and that is check Jonathan Coulton's website for the Thing a Week! Sniff sniff! He has decided that, after writing 52 things a week, he deserves a break, and rightly so. He says he will continue to write music, just not on such a strict schedule, and who can blame him? Christ I couldn't put out anything of any quality once a week for a year if my life depended on it. So I hope he enjoys his break, and I'm sure I will enjoy whatever he puts out next.