What A Dmubass

I imagine there are quite a few vandals roaming around with a less than adequate grasp of spelling, but I'm not sure how many of them are as consistent or as easy to catch as Adam Hall.

Last month, somebody Vandalized Brittany Speckman's car. Whoever it was bent the license plate, keyed it and scratched the word "sult" into the hood.

Sult? Just what the hell is a sult?

The answer to that question is where Hall enters the picture.

According to an affidavit filed in Bennington Superior Court, it didn’t take long for Speckman to finger her 34-year-old ex-boyfriend Adam Hall as the suspected vandal. As Speckman explained to a cop, “she did not think Hall could spell at all,” and she later discovered two text messages from him in which he called her a slut but spelled it “sult” each time.

Bennington police Sergeant David Dutcher reached out to Hall who denied vandalizing the car but in a subsequent interview with the investigator--after waiving Miranda--Hall was asked to “write out the sentence ‘you are a slut’,” and predictably Hall scratched out “you are a sult.”

Hall appeared in crout on Mnoday, and now faces up to 5 years in priosn if convicted of the felony mischief chrage he faces.

Show And Tell Indeed!

Here's a new one for ya. Do you remember being in kindergarten, and having Show and Tell? You brought in something from home, held it up to the class, and talked about what it was. Well, one kindergartener brought some things in for Show and Tell that were not your average items. They were a crack pipe and an ounce of meth. He never made it into the classroom with the drugs and pipe. The teacher got very curious about his items, and soon police were coming to take mommy dearest, AKA Michelle Marie Cheatham, off to have a little talk.

What I would love to know is what the kid would have said had he made it into the classroom with it. Did he know what the items were for? Or what interesting explanation would he have given? I mean, I'm glad things got yoinked before we reached that point, but it made me very curious.

Another bit of curious wording was this.

A family friend at Cheatham's home told KCTV5 that the boy is now being cared for by loved ones.

This implies that Cheatham was not a loved one...at least it does to me.

And why do we care what the police dog's name is? Really, how many times does that happen?

Hopefully the poor little guy wasn't too traumatized by the end result of his bringing in exhibits A and B. And hopefully there's still time to put things on the right path for him.

I May Have Assaulted Her, But I Did It In The Nicest Way I Could

I don't have a whole lot to say about the felony assault trial of Houston hand surgeon Michael Brown. I'm just hear to draw your attention to one rather amusing detail.

Prosecutors this morning said Brown, 54, threw two heavy vases and a humanitarian award at his wife in a the fight that ended with Brown being “taken down” by his body guard after twisting his wife’s arm behind her back, Houston Chronicle reporter Brian Rogers wrote.

Unrelated side note: That's one hell of a mangled sentence there, fellas. Did the basic structure editor go on vacation?

What Is And Is Not Ironic...And Now I Want A Chimichanga

I saw this comic about what is and is not irony on Twitter. Well, I should say I saw a link to it, because it was a great big ol' image. But because I'm persistent *coughcough* annoying *coughcough*, the guy who sent it out actually read it into an audio file! Isn't that awesome beyond awesome? He even did it at his desk, so that's why he's speaking in that low mumble. Sean Yo, you rock. You just do!

I figured I'd mention it here since it references Alanis's song that is full of things that are decidedly not ironic, and we've talked about that before.

And because Sean is extra cool, he also linked to this comedy bit making fun of Alanis's song.

So enjoy the comic, in whichever way works for you. And if you happen to meet Sean Yo, you've met a guy that rocks.

Disorder In The Court!

Here comes another one who hasn't learned that trying to beat up court officials probably won't work out so well. This one, after being held in contempt of court at a domestic violence hearing, tried to take out the judge. I guess she didn't see court security, but they sure saw her. Down she went. Here's some happy footage.

And what the hell. Is her last name Hardwick or Hartwick? And oy. What's with all the rough sentences?

Speaking of sentences, hope she likes jail.

Don't Forget To Sort That Into The Orgasmic Waste Bag

I really have become quite jaded. I can read a story about a woman chopping off her husband's penis and think "Meh, whatever." But a couple things about this one caught my attention.

After she had, um, removed his thing, she put it through the garbage disposal! Oh dear. Unlike John Bobbitt, he ain't gettin' that back.

And the woman's last name is Becker. Hmmm...close to pecker?

But the best part was what he said when a newspaper asked him for comment. "This is a private matter." Well I'll say. That's why they're there, yes? I'm sure they were picking private matter out of the garbage disposal for quite some time.

Oh I'm just so mean.

I Need A Drink. Are Any Of You Bankers?

Commercials drive me friggin nuts!

Just heard one for Laker beer that said "You deserve an easy drinking beer for a hard working price." What? Does that shovel full of marketing horsecrap even mean anything?

Easy drinking beer...for a hard working price.

Let's break this down.

I know what an easy drinking beer is. It's one that goes down smooth and has a nice flavour. That's pretty subjective since there are folks who would put Coors Light in that category, but we'll go with it. If you want to say your beer is easy drinking, to someone out there it probably is.

But what, I ask you, is a hard working price? Have you ever gone shopping, looked at the tag on something and said "boy, this blender sure is priced hardworkingly"? No, you haven't. And neither has anybody else. You know why? Because nobody outside of the Brick Brewing Company marketing department or any of those places who can tie sports together with shitty cars, credit cards and grass seed has ever thought that way.

But wait. Hard work does come up from time to time in the costing conversation, now that I think about it. I'm sure at one time or another you've heard a person say "I put in a lot of overtime to buy that car," or "I saved every penny I had for 7 years so I could own this house." Both examples imply that hard work was probably involved. So following the bouncing ball to its logical resting place, an easy drinking beer at a hard working price is something we all deserve, but will only have if we can get a loan.

Nice work, maroons.

Thanks, I Think

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Aren't They All?

Woman missing since she got lost

Swear to Christ, that's a real headline on the Chicago Sun-Times website right now.

NO need to write anything witty. My job here is done, and done for me at that.

Give Charges/He Dumb

When you have the limited grammar skills possessed by Joe Nathan Michael, I would understand why you might have to resort to robbery to make money. He walked into the bank, and his note said only "Give money/I gun." The teller gave him some money, along with some other tracking device type thinggies, and the cops nabbed him at a bus stop. Bus stop? Didn't he learn anything from this guy?

Well maybe now he'll get some schooling. Somehow I doubt it.

Well, Lunch Is Ruined

Some of you might readthis press releaseand think who in the hell is going to buy WWE decorations to put on their pizza? Certainly a valid question, but it would be kind of neat for kids parties, so it's got that going for it.

But when I read this announcement, what caught my eye was this:

About Pizza Prints™
Pizza Prints™ Edible Image® designs are flat-printed decorations that are made in the USA of starches and FDA-approved edible food colors. The natural cheese flavor of the image complements the pizza. They are manufactured by The Lucks Company, the same inventor of Edible Image® designs for cakes.

Were I to sum up my feelings in a single word, that word would most likely be blarf!

Wow, starches, FDA-approved edible food colors and natural cheese flavour? my mouth is watering just thinking about it. NO wait, that's not water, it's my stomach making its best attempt at an escape. Seriously, none of those things sound like they could do you any harm, do they?

On another note, I'm guilty of not paying as much attention during geography classes as I should have, but I think if there was a place called the USA of starches and FDA-approved edible food colors, I would have noticed. There has to be a better way to word that sentence, and maybe once I get my appetite back I'll come up with it.

I hope the person writing the press releases isn't the same one doing the commercials. If it is, this company is in real trouble.

Thoughts On The Troubles In Libya And Everywhere Else

I haven't talked about what's going on in Egypt and Libya and Bahrain And Tunisia and everywhere else over there that I may have forgotten about. It's not that I don't think it's important. I guess it's just that I felt I didn't have anything else to add except holy crap look at the carnage and chaos. Go people for standing up for their rights, but holy crap. Plus, like I felt when the oil spill happened, it felt so overwhelming and there was nothing I thought I could do or say to make a difference.

But now I have a few things to say. I heard something the other day that gave me the uncontrollable urge to go read as much news as possible.

I was out with the French group, and I commented that I wished the lady was out with us who teaches ESL because I wondered if she had any students in her class who had family in Libya, or hell, anywhere over in that part of the world, and I wondered how they were doing. At this point, another member said "What? Something's happening in Libya?"

Jaw, meet floor.

I readily admit I don't know everything that's happening in Libya, but I sure as shit know that *something* is happening there. How could you not? I maybe could understand "Something's happening in Bahrain?" because the media sorta just forgot about them. But Libya?

But I learned something else really sad and unfortunate. When Prime Minister Harper froze Libyan assets held in Canada, that inadvertently froze scholarships being paid out to students studying over here. Can you imagine? You're half a world away from your family, wondering if they're dead or alive, and the money that you rely on to pay tuition and living expenses is yoinked right out of your hands because of what Moammar Gadhafi is doing.

And hey newspapers, figure out how the hell to spell that dude's name, ok? I don't care that it's weird. I want to spell it correctly, and I shouldn't have to play best 2 out of 3 goddamn it.

But on the bright side, it looks like our government is working to fix that scholarship problem, although they're not explaining how, nor had they contacted the Canadian Bureau of International Education to enlighten them on this little update when that article was written. Hopefully that's just a result of bad timing, and everybody will be on the same page soon.

Another trend that's really bugging me is all the stories about gas prices going up, and words like "the Libyan crisis is to blame" being used. I know they have to report on it because it's news, but it upsets me. I think most of us can pay a few more cents at the pumps. What these people are trying to achieve is liberation from a dictator. It seems a little selfish to whine and moan about expensive oil when we see the price the Libyan people are paying, and have paid for years.

The other thing that's bugging me is people's tendancy to compare their various causes to the Libyan crisis. I'm sorry, but that's just petty. Anything I could fight for on the accessibility front is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to what they are fighting for. If I tried to accuse some government entity of being similar to Moammar Gadhafi or Hosni Mubarak, I would hope I would look like a fool in most people's eyes.

But that's exactly what I saw on Twitter. We've talked about Stop the Meter before. And I have nothing against that cause. I hope they win their fight. But a couple of weeks ago, they retweeted the following.

seeing the uprisings all over the world, maybe Bell will be the next dictator to fall. #ubb

Did I miss something? Is Bell killing us? Does Bell have armies in the streets who are attacking protesters who show up at these meetings about usage-based billing? Do people not talk to the media because they fear what Bell would do to their families? No! To compare usage-based billing to what is going on in many countries is disgraceful, and trivializes what they're going through.

Thankfully it wasn't Open Media who actually said that. But they retweeted it and agreed with it. That means they thought it was a good sentiment. That made me so angry that I almost regretted sending them money, and couldn't take their tweets seriously for days. Steve and I yelled at them on Twitter, but they never responded. The dude who sent the original tweet at least had enough balls to respond to me, although he didn't acknowledge Steve. I wonder if that was because he was deluged with "What the hell are you doing, you prick!" tweets. I can at least hope that was the reason.

They're not the only group who has done that. I remember when someone compared not being able to use captchas to Rosa Parks being kicked off a bus. That ruffled a lot of feathers, and rightly so for the same reason. Be careful with your comparisons, people. I understand the desire to use something that has captured a lot of attention to support your point, but it doesn't work if it does more damage than the support you were looking for.

And how the hell do I come out of something so heavy? Maybe I'll rely on Nation of Islam Minister Louis Farrakhan. According to him, among other things,what's going on in the Middle East will be happening in our own backyard. It's going to happen, and when it does, he was praying that Obama would allow protesters to march and wouldn't turn on them.

Um, erm, I know things are bad, but I don't think they're quite that bad here. Something tells me that prediction he heard back in 1985 in that flying saucer was a little off.

Man that post took me forever. I hope it makes some sort of sense. I hope all this death and chaos ultimately leads to positive change. I guess that's all I can hope for.

The Importance Of Capitalization

Ann sent me this yesterday, and I chuckled. How true.

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages & email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. Grammar is important, let's not forget it!

Oh boy is it ever.

Funnily enough, that joke reminded me of this old legend. So it appears forgetting about grammar is older than we thought.

And is it me or is there one weirdly-placed comma in the joke?

Really, The F Word Is Quite A Good Word!

I'm posting this um, erm, grammar lesson, for 3 reasons. First, I saw it on Weird Universe and it gave me flashbacks. I forget who found this back when I was at school, but I remember listening to it over, and over, and over again, probably until my room-mate wanted to employ the starring word in this thing in my direction emphatically. I'm sure parts of it are complete crap, but they're still amusing.

Second, apparently the subtitles on this thing are riddled with horrid spelling errors. Someone really got creative with the word incompetence. So, for those who can see, get ready to cringe.

And third, I wanted to post something funny just because.

Snow Blower

Leo J. Powers was definitely creative in avoiding work. Everyone hates to shovel snow, right? Well, Powers decided he wasn't gonna do it. How would he deal with the snow? Why, make a bomb and blow up the snobanks, of course. Well now he's in a whole bunch of trouble because the cops were alerted to his stash of military grade ammo and explosive powder.

And reporter dude, seriously, check your work. There are some interesting typos in there.

Aaaa! There's A Moron On The Loose!

I wonder if Joseph Moron and Bryan Scott Moron are related. Well, one of them only ended up being a drunken fool, while the other one sounds like quite the vicious individual. Well, I can't blame him for being a little bitter. Can you imagine having the last name Moron? Imagine the jokes, the ridiculing. It would never end. I still can't believe there's a whole set of descendents walking around with the last name Moron. Is there an Idiot and an Imbecile family too?

As an aside, I love the headline. I know it is completely logical and correct, but...

Lady, Go For Groceries!

What the hell? I'm sure there will be much more to this story, but as of right now, all I know is some woman in Cambridge was found consuming her pet dog. Police were called to check on her well-being, and found that she had dismembered, and was eating, her dog. Now she's in for a mental health assessment, or "the mental health assessment" as the paper put it.

Gees! What the hell happened?

Why Is The Rent Money All Red?

There are two reasons I'm posting this. First, the idea of an old lady robbing a bank and a getaway driver who had no idea he was a getaway driver is hilarious. Also, driving up to the bank in a black jaguar probably isn't the smartest plan. I mean, you don't blend in when you leave.

The unfortunate fellow, Luke Even Weimert, was the son of the unnamed bank robber's landlords. When he arrived to collect the rent money, she said she needed to make a bank withdrawal. Well, she did, sorta, but it wasn't of the legal variety. He drove her to the bank and waited for her, she said she had a gun, the teller gave her the money, and she got back in the car, at which point Weimert drove off at normal speeds. Loo dee doo, I mean, what possible reason would he have to speed?

Police met up with them and arrested them both. They soon found out that Weimert had no idea the old lady just robbed the bank, but the poor sucker had another warrant, so they got him anyway.

My second reason for posting this story is the wording of the headline. "Cops: 70-year-old woman robbed bank with clueless getaway driver"

I mean, he was clueless, as in had no clue he was a getaway driver, but that wording sounds like we should be hearing strains of Yackity Sax right now. Did he reverse back into the bank? Did he run over the old lady? Maybe she fell out of the car. I think I would find a more fitting word than clueless.

Did Somebody Say McPlastic?

I saw an ad on the site saying that McDonald's gift cards make a convenient and delicious Christmas gift. I'm with them on convenient, I love gift cards. Those magical little bastards make my gift giving life so much easier. But delicious? Who'd they get to test that, and how pissed off is he going to be when somebody lets him know that he can cash them in for actual food, at least to the extent that the stuff available at McDonald's counts as actual food?

All In The Family?

I mean absolutely no disrespect to the dead, but it seems to me that there's something the matter withthis here obituary.

MORRISON, DEBORAH - November 10 in her 51st year. Loved mother of Bob and his fiancèe Nicole. Dear sister of Barb and aunt of Blair.

There's either a typo in there or Bob is marrying his sister. Anybody know if there's a version of Here comes The Bride played entirely on banjos and fiddles?

I know editing is a tough job, but come on now. How does stuff like this happen to somebody's death notice? Just brutal.