Oops

Not sure how that happened, but I messed up Carin's link somehow. Oh well, I'll fix it now. If you want to check out her website you can do that
here.

Sure, I could have just taken the first post down and fixed it before posting it again but that would be something a non-lazy person would do, and we just can't have that.

Guest Rant

This was emailed to me by our friend Carin for me to post. She makes some really good points about the way universities opperate. It's a really good read. By the way, if you've got something to say that you think the world needs to hear, feel free to
send it to me.
Just make sure it somewhat resembles the English language or it either won't get posted, or it will and we'll make fun of you for a world wide audience to see. But we here at Vomit Comet World Headquarters are all about giving the people a voice, and since you are the people, we're offering it to you. Against our better judgment in some cases, but what can I say, sometimes we're just too nice. Anyway, take it away, Carin.

university? deals? What's this?

The other day, I had to print some stupid paper from some stupid class. Yeah, so? Well, my printer was broken, so I had to use the public printers up at the university, and I saw something that summed up the whole philosophy that universities and colleges seem to have nowadays. Ok, now you think I'm crazy. How could a printer make me philosophize? I guess it's a sign that my nose has been too deep in the books. Well, let me explain. I had to buy one of those print cards that lets you have the privilege of buying your own paper on which the printer happily prints your essay, note, piles of research, or printed material for whatever dreary purpose dragged you to the library anyway, all for the low low price of 10 cents a sheet. but the print card lets you print mass quantities with relative ease, sort of like the way you pay for cell phone minutes in advance.

Anyway, when you buy your new fangled print card, the price is $2 and you get 10 sheets, supposedly, for free! I know what they want us to think. "Well Yippee hoo! The university is giving something to me for free! That's sooo coool!" But think about this for a second. I'm no expert in the cost of plastic, but there's no way that thin piece of crap plastic is worth $2. No way in hell. Maybe it's worth $1. You are paying outright for every single sheet you get. They're just making sure you buy at least 10 sheets so they don't get ripped off, god forbid, if you only use one sheet.

But then you say, "If you're going to print out scads and scads of pages, wouldn't you be happy to already have 10 on your card?" Well, if you're printing that much, guess what? You're going to have to give them more money anyway, and you already paid for it. They're not saving you anything, except maybe the two seconds it would take to find that extra luny to pay for those 10 sheets.

Ok, now you think that maybe I should seek therapy for getting worked up over printer paper. But it's more than that. This whole supposed deals thing is just their clever way of taking your money and swearing to you that they're offering you a deal, so you won't feel like they fucked you so badly in the ass.

It's everywhere. They tell you it's cheaper to pay up front for a meal plan, and then you find out that first off, it's fucking expensive, so you wonder what it would have been like to pay meal by meal. Next you notice that they've given, er, ahem, made you pay for more meal points in this plan than you'll ever spend, that you can't use them in certain places at certain times, and if you don't use them by April, well, tough. They get the money anyway, ha ha. On top of that, they've made two different meal plans, designed to suit your ass-fucking needs. There's the on-campus one that I described, and then there's the off-campus one. Oh yes, now that you don't live on campus, thus eating there is not compulsory, you can use it wherever you like whenever you like, and you can top it up with oh so easy to pay payments of $200 during the semester, but if you let the semester end, you have to pay $575 to revive your now dead meal card. Ooo! Which plan of fucktitude will I choose? So many options!

And to add insult to injury, if at some point you realize that you have no chance of using all your remaining meal points, you can sell them, but only to those who are on the same plan as you. So if you're on the on-campus plan, your only hope is to find an unbelievably gluttonous pig who empties out the cafeterias daily and just can't keep the points in his account, because more than likely, everyone else is, well, probably in the same boat as you. And then there's the ridiculous $50 that is incorporated into your meal plan solely to cover stolen and broken dishes! God damn it, does anyone actually believe that a university cafeteria is feeding us on their
finest china? Do they actually expect us to believe that from all the money they rake in from the student body, they're just too damn poor to replace the odd smashed plate and missing glass? It almost makes me want to steal or break something so I can feel like I'm getting my money's worth!

And then there are the compulsory fees that you pay with your tuition. Hey, I like the idea that I'm paying to have access to the athletic centre, counseling services in case I snap over these crazy fees, or the tons of other services on campus, if I *truly* had free access to them. Wanna know the truth? You only get a few free counselling sessions, and then they ration them out unless you're willing to pay more. Way to help out someone who's so stressed out they've come for counseling!

If you want to take a course at the athletic centre, you have to pay more! I just don't get it.

Maybe I'd understand if I could take a long hard look at the bills everybody has to pay, but there has to be some huge profits being gained at our expense. There's no way that thousands and thousands of students, plus how ever many alumni they manage to railroad into donating money each year, can't adequately finance a university as it is, and the tuition rates and donation requests are almost always going up! Why do we keep having to pay more for shit we should have already paid for?

And then there are the little things. Like when the old man who only seems to show up when graduates are parading past him so he can shake their hands has a birthday, and the university goes all out and buys a huge cake. Ooo!
Free cake! Nope. Like I said on the day I saw them do that, "I paid for that cake." It especially angers me when I see that, and then step outside and see that my friend in a wheelchair cannot get to class because they haven't cleared the snow from the ramp leading to his lecture hall, or can't open a door because the button has been broken for the past month, and nobody's gotten around to fixing it. How about paying the snow clearing guys or the maintenance men instead of wasting our money on a god damn cake. Maybe they can make a bridge with it when it's rock hard and he can wheel over it to get past the snow. Or it can serve as a door stop and keep the broken door permanently open. Until then, it has no use at all.

Yup, this all started out with a stupid print card. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I expect stuff to make sense. Logic? What's that? All I know is I'm being fucked in the ass by my education, and all I can do is bend over and take it. I don't know if I feel better now, but there, I've said it.
--------
Check out my website!
right here!

If you have any feedback for Carin, her address is on her site, or you can send your thoughts to me and I'll pass them on to her.

People At Work

Reading Matt's little rant about the people he works with kind of got me thinking about some of the things that piss me off regularly in my own experience. I'm not sure why some people are so annoying especially when they should know better but hey, there they are.

As most of you know, I do a show at a local radio station. I love working there and for the most part, everybody there is pretty nice to me and I can't think of a single one of them that I can say I don't like. But having said that, I can't think of a single one of them who I haven't wanted to smack at some point for breaking the number 1 rule of radio, that being don't piss off the guy on air. Maybe that should be don't distract the guy on air, but one generally leads to the other so bare with me here.

It never fails that at some point during every show I do, people will feel the need to do 1 of 2 things. Either congregate outside of the studio and talk loudly to each other or come into the studio when I'm on the air doing a segment and start fiddling with stuff. This could mean anything from trying to find something on the shelf full of tapes on the other side of the room to opening a package of something behind my head. The worst though is when they try to tell me something when I'm reading to the listeners. I'm not sure what they're expecting me to do since it's not like I can just say to the entire listening audience, "hang on a second, something far more important than you people has just come up and I'm no longer worried about the flow of what you're listening to nor how good it sounds." And generally what they have to tell me is something along the lines of, "I've got a really funny story related to what you're talking about right now." Ok, tell me when I put the music back on, it can wait.

It's not even like I can cut any of them some slack either since each and every one of them work there in some form or another and most of them get involved with the on air stuff. If they were people coming in off the street it would still be agrivating, but it would be a little easier to understand. It's not that way when you're dealing with people who should know better and most of whom have more experience than you do.

And it doesn't end there. To fill up some more of my time I do some volunteer work for a telephone service that takes calls from people in distress. We get calls about everything from people wanting to kill themselves to people who are upset because their VCR didn't record Friends. You never know what you're going to get when you pick up the phone and you have to be ready for pretty much anything at a moment's notice.

So let me set a scene for you. I'm sitting in the room on the phone listening to a caller. I'm taking in everything they're telling me trying to process it the best I can and get a bit of an understanding of what their situation is. While I'm doing this I'm also thinking about what direction I should be taking things in. What questions should I ask? How should I ask them? Is there more to this story than I'm getting? Is this person in any immediate danger. Pretty high stress stuff sometimes. Then, while the possibly frantic caller is taking the bulk of my attention as they should, somebody who works there, for pay I might add comes in there and tries to talk to me quietly about there being cookies on the table in the other room or to tell me she's leaving for the day. Shut up! There is a phone attached to my head, and it's not there for the hell of it!

The only thing worse than that is the overly helpful pain in the ass fellow volunteer who feels the need to tell me who I'm talking to. The person who breezes in to take over for me and either tries to ask me in a whisper who it is on the phone, or manages to overhear the voice on the other end and then franticly tries to explain to me that it's Bob and you have to ask him about his flower garden to make him settle down. Of all the people who should know not to do that, shouldn't it be them who has to work the phones and probably has to put up with the same stupid crap from somebody else there? Trust me, it's not any less annoying when you do it.

Ok, somebody in here just cut the biggest fart in the universe so I have to leave the room now. Yes, definitely have to exit post haste. More later when my nose hairs grow back.

A Lesson In Randomness

Hello, Vomiteers!
Boy. it's been a few days so I figured I'd throw some shit up on here for you. Steve's been doing the bulk of the writing over the last week or so, so much love to him for that. My weekends are generally not real inspiring but I'll take a stab at getting some more stuff up over the next few days.

Well. today is a rainy bitch of a day. The place I work is a construction company. When you put these two together you get some unpleasantness. Most jobs are shut down for the day and for some reason most of the less intellectual members of the crews decide that they should convulge like buzzards on this nice little office/shop facility. Now. This is not to say that everyone on the crews is completely retarded. Quite the opposite. The ones with half a brain realize it's a day off and go home and back to bed, or to do something fun. The lesser-lights show up here and BOTHER EVERYONE!!!

We are in an office. The rain does not stop our work. DON'T COME HERE AND TALK TO ME! DON'T COME HERE AND TALK LOUDLY BEHIND ME!! and most importantly... DON'T SIT IN MY CHAIR AND MAKE PERSONAL PHONE CALLS WHEN I GET UP TO DELIVER AN INVOICE!!! Seriously. Some dumb fuck sat down in my chair, in front of my computer and called his wife to tell her all about how he had the day off. GO HOME AND TELL HER ASSHOLE!

I was not shy about letting him see my displeasure as this insanity had already been going on for about an hour in the office. Upon my return, this idiot could see me, here me setting things down on my desk and most certaily read the enraged look in my eye and DIDN'T MOVE!!! There was a fucking empty chair right beside my desk. No no. Couldn't move over there and continue talking which would have, while still being annoying, at least allowed me to continue working. No. He sat there like a fucking prick for another 15 minutes before standing up and walking by me without so much as a "sorry 'bout that,pal." Some people's fucking children.

So that pretty much sums up how my day has gone... and to an extent my week. I've been off and on sick all week and it's got me pissed off. I'm feeling a bit better today and I'm sure with the ammount of sleep I generally get on a weekend, I'll be good as new by Monday.

Ah, yes. The continued pounding has started up again improving my day tremendously and doing wonders for my headache. Right above where I work they are installing now heaters. Now I'm not sure how much pounding and cutting and just general noise it takes to do this job... but I KNOW it doesn't take 9 hours. Yet, that's how long they've been doing this right above my head. Even if the job itself takes that long, I hardly think that ONE heater above my head should take that long. I've been up there, I've seen what they're doing... it's pretty clear that they just suck at it and I'm not in the mood to shrug it off as a "well, it had to be done."

Wow, this has been nothing but a big bitchy rant. I feel like such a chick. this is great! Anywho. That will probably be enough for now. Maybe I'll pop back a little later with something significant to say... or at least something a littleSTOPFUCKINGHAMMERINGDICKHEAD!more pleasant to say. No promises though.

Try and Have a good day, at least a better one than me. Except for Steve who should have a terrible day. I know none of you like him, but try to be nice. He's one of those special kids.

The Post Office, Technology, Holidays And Much Much More...maybe

I should start out by wishing all of our American readers a happy Thanksgiving. I should, but I'm not going to, Ha! Seriously, happy Thanksgiving. Wherever you are, I hope you're having a happy one, unless I don't like you, in which case I hope you choke on your dinner, prick! In fact, choke on it twice just to make sure that it's a job well done.

I saw on the news today that President Bush went to Iraq to have a visit with some of the troops that he's sent to their deaths who haven't quite held up their end of the bargain yet. I've gotta say, I've never hoped for a terrorist attack in my entire life, until I heard he was there. I want to clarify that I don't hate the military. I understand that they've got a job to do and I respect that. They're doing something that I'd never have the guts to do, march head on into what could very well be certain death on the orders of rich people who aren't brave enough to do their own dirty work but wish to collect all the benefits. I just happen to think that your commander in chief is a fucking pimple on the ass of life and needs to be scrubbed, and soon! Whether you vote him out or somebody offs him I don't care, he just needs to be gone for the sake of the entire world. Ok, let's change topics now, don't wanna get overly political here, at least not right now.

If any of you are using the paid version of the pop-up blocking program
Ad Shield,
I wanted to warn you not to install the new multi-media block list they have posted. The thing is way too trigger happy and blocks out pretty much all forms of media that aren't text or html. I'm talking about everything from flash to mp3's, however they fit into the advertising spectrum. Flash, yes, mp3's, what the fuck? I put the thing in, then realized what it did when I couldn't do a goddamn thing. I then spent the next while trying to clean out all the new entries in the list box. It's not hard, it's just time consuming and a pain in the ass. It merges with the regular block list, so you have to scroll through that whole thing and remove each new entry individually. I sent them an email asking them what the hell they were thinking, so maybe I'll post what they say once they write me back.

I'm not talking about the standard block lists, I'm talking about this new one that is dated November 21st that's under a different heading. The standard lists are fine, and if you haven't done so, grab the one dated October 29th and import it, it blocks some cool new stuff. Well maybe cool isn't the right word, but it's cool that it blocks what it does.

And if you're not an Ad Shield user, you should be. It's the best $29.95 U.S I ever spent on my computer, right up there with the cheap virus scanner I have, but it didn't cost that much so Ad Shield wins. They have a trial, but you don't get the sweet block list files which means you'll have to create your own which would take a long time seeing as it blocks over 650 ad serving sites now, not to mention what it can do without the list.

Enough about that, I said I was gonna talk about the post office, and that I am. I was there yesterday picking up some stuff that I bought online when I got an idea. I'm not sure if I'm the first one to think of this, but I'm gonna call it my idea for now.

Anyway, I was watching people pay to get stamps, and to have things forwarded and all manner of things that they charge for in there when I realized that hey, you could probably send anything you wanted for free. Ok, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but I bet you could send letters to your folks this way. All you have to do is either mess up the address on purpose or not fill it out at all. Then, instead of writing the return address as your house, put down the address of the person you wanted it to go to in the first place. In case you don't know, the return address is where they return stuff when the postage isn't quite right, like when people like you who will be trying this don't put a stamp on it, or when they can't ship to the destination. Then drop it in your local mailbox, like the ones they have in malls and such and let the fun begin. Note: Don't use your own mailbox, because then they'll know who you are and that you're up to no good.

I've never tried this because well, I just thought it up yesterday and I haven't had to send anything at all since then, let alone something I don't mind losing if they decide to send it to the dead letter office instead. But if any of you have done this before or want to give it a go, let me know how it turns out.

I think that's all I've got for now. I'll be back later, hopefully when I'm in a better mood. I'm not in seriously bad moods much of the time but for some reason I am now. Weird part is there's no reason for it, none at all. Oh well, I'm sure it'll go away with time. So until we meet again, happy holidays to the Americans, and mary Thursday to the rest of the world.

It's About Time

Top UK judge blasts U.S. for Guantanamo Bay

I'm glad somebody finally said something like this and that the media is finally listening. If any Americans reading this wonder why the rest of the world hates you so much, look no further than your government and things exactly like Guantanamo Bay. It's not all of you we can't stand, it's the people that you didn't elect to run your lives for you, and the members of the public who don't have the good sense to not stand for what they're doing.

And please, I beg of you, vote for a change in 2004, or at least try. What these assholes are doing doesn't just concern you and your country, it impacts the rest of us as well because you are one of, if not the most powerful nation in the world. That's all from me for now. Sorry about getting all political on you all there but it just had to be said.

Timberlake is Cool???

I just saw this brutal piece of news and thought I'd pass it on as it has left me in a state of shock and confusion. I can't feel my ears. Can you ever feel your ears? Hmm. Anyway. Here we go....

Justin Timberlake The 'Coolest Person In The World.'
Posted By Kenny Hammond on 11.25.03

Ok... Someone wake me when hell unfreezes...

Ok… First Eminem and Dr. Dre are the most powerful, and now Justin Timberlake is the ‘coolest person in the world.’

This according to British music magazine NME.

NME describes Timberlake as having a "magic alignment of killer career moves, genuine talent, charm, and good looks."

Following Justin was Brody Dalle of the punk band “The Distillers” and Meg White of “The White Stripes.”

Credit: Muchmusic

Now, I love Brodie with all my heart (call me, babe) and I got no beef with the White Stripes but Justin Timberlake is the coolest person on the planet????? Makes me glad to be a loser. I just don't understand how any sane person could say that.... I just.... I ..... I gotta go.

Back Yard Wrestling Game Review. (PS2)

Here's a lil review of a game I've been waiting for for a very long time...

Just to make sure there is no misunderstandings here, I have absolutely no problem with the premise. I review a game on it’s own merits and not based on hackneyed opinion pieces from “concerned’ parents. As a concerned parent myself, I know the difference between playing a game where people are diving off of houses and kids actually diving off of houses, and when my son gets old enough I’ll make sure he understands the difference too.

Now, on with the crappy.

First sign of a problem (and yes, I know I’m doing this on a PS2 so I should expect this, but): ……really……..slow………load………………………times.

Okay, so I’m finally into the game. I decide to give the Create-a-Wrestler feature a spin, first-thing. I mosey on over there, put in a name, and go to edit my appearance. That’s when I find out that there is no editing your appearance in this CAW. No, you have sixteen character models to choose from. No, seriously, that’s it. There’s no modifying these models for size, clothing, hair color, nothing. Sixteen models. Oh, but each model has something like 12 different costumes! Except that the costumes are basically color scheme changes to the same freakin’ model, and some of the models only have four costumes, but the programmers were too damn lazy to change the menu to say four costumes instead of 12 (or whatever. I didn’t write down exactly how many there were. I was in too big of a hurry to get this big, steaming pile of DVD out of my house) so they just repeat the four costumes over and over again. Ta-da! Four costumes become 12. Pathetic.

Okay, so I take my “custom character” and start a single-player game, known affectionately as “Talk Show Mode.” Now, we come to one of those things that made me really look forward to this game. They run a cut-scene, and a really well-done one at that, of this talk-show where this redneck character comes on and gripes about his brother (cousin, mom, whatever) wrestling in his backyard and slamming him into his barbecue grill. Funny stuff. Finally, we’re ready for the first fight. (I’ll assume that, had I progressed any farther in the game, the different stages would have been punctuated by cut-scenes such as this. If I have one regret for returning this game so fast, it’s that I didn’t get to see the other cut-scenes. Had I tried, I’d probably still be trying to get to stage 2.)

Another…………………really………………..slow……………………..load…………………

And we’re off….

GAMEPLAY

I get punched down right off the bat. I get up, but I’m met with a flying tire to my skull. I get up again, and I get a brick in the gut. Up again, and I try to dodge the car battery, but apparently the fat, loser prick I’m wrestling has the throwing control of a young Pedro Martinez and I get clocked again. Next thing I know, I’m knocked out. Game over.

So I try again. Every game has a learning curve, right?

And again.

And again.

And again, and I’m beginning to suspect the A.I. of being a little cheap.

And again, and I’m looking for a difficulty setting. There is none.

And again.

And again.

Repeat until sanity melts away. Then eject, get back in car, and go back to video store to trade in for something less frustrating, perhaps Myst.

First of all, the fat rednecks in this game move with the speed of Rey Mysterio on a cocaine bender. I hit the button to throw a punch while my opponent was ten feet….TEN FEET away from me. I didn’t miss, I never completed the punch. In the time it took my character to punch, the computer character traveled ten feet AND successfully grappled me. Once he performed one of his grapple moves on me (one of EIGHT, count ‘em EIGHT at his, and your, disposal) he ran to the opposite side of the backyard and proceeded to throw all manner of junk at me until I was knocked out. Dodging is not an option, you just try to cover as much ground as possible between foreign object shots. Oh, but I grabbed this long PVC pipe once (actually about ten different times) when I had somehow knocked my opponent down. As he got up, I swung the 8 foot long section of pipe. Apparently, PVC pipe exists in a nearby dimension relative to the computer opponent, because it passed right through him without incident.

It’s not bad enough that the A.I. is cheaper than an NBA Jam game. The collision detection (as described above) derives itself from the Shadowcat school. This is the same feature as in many schoolyard games of Cops ‘n’ Robbers: “I shot you!” “Nuh uh!” And what’s worse, the computer opponents no-sell worse than Hogan. I hit my opponent with a barbed-wire wrapped baseball bat. Actually HIT him this time. Before I could take a second swing, the opponent recovered from the hit, closed the distance, and grappled me. I’m not kidding.

As for the controls, there was a button for punching, a button for kicking, a button for grappling, a button for picking things up and putting them down again, a button for pinning, and a button for the ubiquitous “dash” which didn’t travel at a speed discernibly faster than the normal movement rate of the characters. Handling the controls themselves were easy enough, it’s just that you spend so much of your time on your freakin’ back that 99% of the button pushes you perform are to either try to get up or reverse something.

And here’s a short bit on reversing. This is yet another game that tells you which complex of buttons, pads, sticks, whatever you can use to counter, but gives you absolutely ZERO instruction on just how to counter. You use the directional pad (or stick) and the circle, Square, and X buttons, but THEY DON’T TELL YOU WHICH BUTTON BLOCKS WHAT. If it were JUST the buttons, then you could figure it out pretty easily, but adding the directional aspect, which pretty much cubes the number of reversal combinations, insures that, without a Prima guide, the user will have no idea how to reverse anything for the lifetime of the game.

As for the moves, as I said earlier, you have EIGHT grapple moves at your disposal, and most of them are lifted off of “traditional” pro wrestling or blatantly ripped off of certain WWE characters. I know, what’s supposed to make this game unique is the interaction with the environment. The problem is that it’s pretty damn hard to concentrate on suplexing a guy through a window or slamming them through a table when you’re just trying to avoid getting clubbed with flying objects 90% of the time. Oh, and the only ground moves are stomps or splashes or that kind of thing. No submission moves or even knee stomps or anything like that.

I’m not kidding. The gameplay is basically you getting things thrown at you between periodic slams by one character or the other. Then you lose.

There were supposedly some unique game modes you could play (provided you unlocked them) like King of the Hill. Admittedly, I never played this against another human. Maybe it’s terrific to beat on your friends with, but with the glaring holes I’ve described I see a huge opportunity for just pissing off your friends by exploiting the loopholes in the physics model.

Enjoy, Gamers

I don't Think So Buddy

Ok, so after seeing Matt try to save this relationship, I too decided to take Karine's advice and use the Bitch Letter Generator to respond. Matt, you need to realize that this is over and there's nothing you can do about it, unless somebody can come up with a program that can generate something really nice.

Dear, Worthless Penis

I've been putting up with your crap for months, and, unable to verbalize my
feelings in a manner in which you would understand, put the matter
aside until I could conjur up a more focused thought to bear.

In a nutshell, you are worthless.

And another thing, If you ever want to listen to another fucking Howlin' Wolf record,
then you'd better stop leaping out of the goddamn closet and freaking me out, or
I'll sell you into slavery. Not that you'll be any good.

Steve

your ever loving dominator

Salty Ham!

Ok, the wait is finally over and it's now time to let you know why I'd been bugging you all to help me out and write about music once a week. By the way, thanks to the guy who took me up on that and now finds himself a published internet columnist, aside from his own blog that is. The wait is over,
Salty Ham Is Here!

Yes that's right,
Salty Ham,
your new number 1 source for all of your entertainment needs. With sections devoted to sports, wrestling, movies, games, life and music, which I happen to be editing,
Salty Ham.com
has something for everyone. Even if you're not a sports fan, don't play games, hate music, don't watch wrestling, and aren't into movies, you still have a life, at least in the physical sense anyway.

The site isn't completely finished yet, but it seems to be finished enough for our man Roland who is running the whole shebang over there, and if it's complete enough for him, that's good enough for me.

By the way, every section needs writers to do various things so if you're thinking you might have something to say on any of the topics covered on the site, or if you think you could help out somewhere, have a gander at the
jobs page
and consider applying.

Just because I'm in the whoring stuff out spirit, why not
click here and take a look at my first couple of columns.
They get posted every monday, but be sure to check the music section daily for news, reviews, and other columns as they become available. Heck, just make
a daily helping of Salty ham
part of your complete breakfast.

I'll go away now and let Matt make his own announcement. Besides, I need breakfast and I have places to go today. I'll be back with more later, so come back here for more once you've seen everything over at
that other place I've mentioned once or twice in this post.

I'm Sorry

In response to Steve's earlier attempt to break up with me (creepy), I have used Karine's suggestion of using the Apology Note Generator to try and win him back. (the link for this is in the comment board of "Love Gone Wrong"

Dear, Snuggems,

I'm prepared to take my own life for neglecting to be sensitive to your mood. I was on my knees worshipping your shrine,
and thought I'd ask Dave to help me with it tomorrow.

So I'm sitting in the dark, waiting to die, hoping you don't emasculate me. Please cut it off now, or I'll do it myself.
My grandma can accept me, why can't you?

Love,
That guy

Love Gone Wrong

Since I'm all about helping you guys out whenever possible, I thought I would pass on a link to something that I'm sure at one time or another we all wish we had. Hell, maybe some of you could use it at this very moment. So if you're looking to get rid of that pesky significant other in your life, why not click on over to
The Breakup Letter Generator
and have it take care of them for you. All you have to do is answer a few questions about yourself and the bastard you're kickin to the curb and the program will provide you with the perfect kissoff note.

As an example, let's just say that Matt and I were together and I was wanting to break up with him. The letter might go something like this.

Dear Matt,

Writing this letter is painful, but necessary. By now, you might have noticed that I have left, and I'm not coming back. Don't feel responsible. We just
weren't right for one another. Besides, my history of bed wetting prevents me from committing to a serious relationship and you deserve better.

You deserve someone who appreciates all of your special qualities, especially the obnoxious way you scarf down two pints of Ben and Jerry's while watching
Friends. Even though we're no longer together, we'll always have our memories. I'll never forget the time you made me lie about my religion to your parents.

They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon, you will be able to speak coherently to a person of the opposite gender. When this time comes,
I hope we will be living in different state institutions.

Gotta run,
Steve

Well Isn't That Special

A friend of mine just sent me this email that he got from Microsoft Canada regarding a problem he'd been having with them. It's very funny but requires a little backstory to make sense.

He recently got a new computer, yea for him! However, before he got the new computer, he also just finished paying for a new copy of Office XP. Now because of product activation schemes that Microsoft uses to protect their software from being stolen, he couldn't put his *legally aquired* copy of the software on the new computer because it was already on the old one. And since Office ain't exactly cheap, even when it's the student version bought on a bit of a discount, he quite rightly phoned them and asked for another key so that he could use his software. They wouldn't give him one, no matter what he said and told him that he would either have to upgrade his Windows or buy Office again. Well, he wasn't having any of that and flat out told the guy on the phone that if he wasn't going to get another key from them, that he was going to pirate one but that he was doing his best to keep things legal and on the up and up. That comment, and some emails exchanged between the 2, seem to have prompted a thank you letter of sorts.

Dear chad,
Thank you for contacting Microsoft Canada,

I am so sorry that you could not use your copy of office xp on another machine. I wish we had a different type of license I could offer. Thank you for trying your best to remain legal with your use of the software.
Microsoft constantly strives to bring you the best products, innovative designs, friendly sales and excellent customer service. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving you in the future. If you have any additional questions, please don't hesitate to contact us at 1-877-568-2495 or visit our website at
www.microsoft.com/canada.

Thank you,
Moses
Microsoft Canada Co.
Microsoft Resource Centre
We want our customers to be very satisfied with our service.

They want their customers to be completely satisfied with the service? Well they're on the right track if their goal is to make people buy extra shit they don't need at inflated prices and then not let them use it the way they need to without buying even more crap they don't need. And it really seems from that letter that the guy just kind of gave up doesn't it? "Thanks for trying, but ahh hell, just take it if you need to, ya tried to do this all legal and stuff, but just forget it."

But man, it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside that they put that little personal touch in there and decided to thank him for not pilfering stuff. Folks, Microsoft cares, don't ever forget that.

WCW

"There was an article on ProWrestling.Com and on many other pro wrestling insider sites that reported that Ticket Master had an event for people to order
tickets from. This wasn't just an ordinary event as it was lated as: "WCW New Year's Evil." Now, to what I'm aware of, the WWE isn't planning a return
of the WCW 'brand'. Plans do change, of course, as it is the WWE that we're talking about here.
What do you guys think of this?"

Well Nick, I did hear about that but right now I'm not reading all that much into it because like you said, plans change. I think it might have been a listing that we weren't supposed to see that somehow found it's way onto the site, and that it could have been an indication of where future storylines were going. I'm not so sure about that anymore, since to properly build up a show like that would require a few months, and if they were aiming for the 31st of December, they don't have that kind of time anymore. Is the listing even still there? Perhaps they took it down since I haven't heard anything about it since it was first discovered.

It's also entirely possible that some small promotion decided to try to use the WCW name to draw publicity. I know it sounds stupid but it's not outside of what could be considered impossible. People have done some seriously dumb things in the name of getting themselves some recognition.

As for your comment about it not being the end of the world if Matt doesn't get me anything for Christmas, I hope you're joking. I would like to inform you that it would in fact cause the end of all civilization as we know it here on our little section of space if I were not to be given something from him. For the sake of yourself and those you care about, you'd better hope against all hope that he gets me something and more than that, that I actually like it.

Idiotic Inventions

Have you ever come across something with a concept so stupid you just stop and wonder, "what were they thinking when they came up with that?" Well I have something like that in my very own house. I actually own a cooking pot made entirely out of metal. Now that doesn't sound very odd at first glance but let me describe it in a little more detail for you. It is your regular cooking pot in just about every way. It isn't of either an above or below average size, it isn't shaped funny or anything like that and it isn't made out of some revolutionary new material, just metal. It has 2 handles on it, 1 on the left and 1 on the right. Both of these handles are made of the same metal material as the rest of the pot. Are you starting to see where I'm going with this? It also has a metal lid which has it's own handle on the top, also made of the exact same thing.

Now of course you are going to have to heat this pot up at some point if you ever want to use it to cook something, since heat is a fairly important part of the food cooking process. And if you know anything about metal, you know that it tends to heat up fairly quickly and become extremely hot to the touch in short order. Most metal pot craftsmen have the foresight to take this into acount when they design their creations and build their handles and lids to include plastic of some sort that will ensure that you have a cool place to grab onto when you need to move the pot or take the lid off to examine what's happening within. However such foresight is not allocated in equal portions as evidenced by the lack of any such plastic on this particular beast. This thing is an accident waiting to happen and it isn't so much a pot as it is a make work program for the local burn unit.

I'm not sure who bought me this thing, hell, it could have been me for all I know. All I know is that not only was somebody stupid enough to design and build something like this, but I'm also dumb enough to use it repeatedly. I'm actually using it now which reminds me, I'd better go check on my food. If you don't hear from me for awhile, it's probably because I'm trying to dial 911 with my char broiled nub.

Death By Pizza Hut

Remember that
concert
I was talking about yesterday? Well, thanks to the fine folks over at
Pizza Hut
I never actually made it. The night was going so well too in spite of me being super tired. Our plan, which up to concert time was executed to perfection was to meet up at my house, swing by the beer store for some refreshments, go for dinner somewhere, head back to my house again to kill time and then head out to the club to see the show. Well, somewhere between dinner and concert things went horribly wrong and the concert was just not to be. And to think, I was about 2 minutes away from ralphing in the back of a cab. Fortunately, smart thinking prevailed and me and my buddy decided to stay home and wait for the oven baked crust to do it's thing to both of us and take the night from there. Things got better since the poisoning was a pretty short term deal and we were smart enough to get beer ahead of time so the night ended up being pretty long and quite a bit of fun, even if it wasn't what we had in mind. We also got 2 free pizzas next time we decide to go back to Pizza hut so much love to those guys for putting things right. I love that place and it would suck to not be able to go there anymore because of something like that. Never had a problem there before so I still trust them.

So right now I'm coasting on about 3 hours of sleep and I figured before I lie down and give this old timers hockey game the full attention it deserves I'd check in with all of you just to say hi. So, hi. If you're wondering about the game, Edmonton is winning, I think it's 1-0 unless I missed something. This game is really cool to watch, lots of guys that I remember watching with my Grandpa when I was a really little kid. Oh the memories.

I would also like to encourage all of you to check out
Flashlight Brown,
a really good Canadian punk outfit from Toronto. I picked up their latest album "my Degeneration" today when I was out at the mall. Wasn't expecting to find it there, and especially not for 13 bucks so that was a nice surprise. These guys are currently touring across Canada with
The Planet Smashers,
so if you're into them I bet you'd find a place in your heart for Flashlight as well. I'm still kicking myself for not going to see them play right here in my very own city last Monday night. I my friends am a big loser and I deserve to miss out. A friend of mine went to see them the night after they were here and he said the show was amazing, which made me feel so much better about not going. Thanks man.

While we're doing the music thing I should mention that
Brad Sucks
has a new song posted on his website. It's a pretty rough mix of a slow tune he just finished up and it's very different from a lot of the stuff he's done. I think if he ever gets around to polishing it up it could be a really cool tune.

Sorry about the utter crappiness of this post, but tiredness is really starting to get to me. Check out the stuff I mentioned above and read what Matt had to say earlier and I think you'll be happier than you are now after reading this all the way through.

By the way Matt, WCW videos are a pretty rare find these days so it seems. I can't find anything that would fit into that category to get you as a Christmas gift. They have early 90's stuff and lots of NWA from the 80's, but no mid-90's boom period stuff. If I were to get you anything else wrestling video or DVD related, what would it be? I know you had your heart set on that sheep but please try to get over that and focus on what's going on now.

Alright, Alright. I Caved.

Fine. I've been everywhere around town and the Christmas stuff is in full force so I've excepted that the season is here and am ready to jump on the bandwagon.

This morning I added all my Christmas tunes back to my music playlist. (all punk christmas tunes of course. like there's any other kind). This is normally something I refuse to do until Dec. 1 but I guess a few days early can't hurt.

To me, Christmas is great but not for all the religious reasons and singing carols and things like that. It's just a guarunteed time of year where you're gonna see your hole family. Family is important to me and despite us living within 2 hours of each other and most of us within a half hour of each, we really don't get together all that often but at Christmas it's just understood that we will all end up at the same place at one point or another and it's always great.

I'm also a notoriously late Christmas shopper but for one reason or another, I already have 3 people shopped for but there's one guy I'm not sure about. If anyone has any idea what to get a an exceptionally obese, blog co-writing blink i'd be glad to hear your suggestions.

Sometimes even better than Christmas is New Years and I've already got those plans made too and it's sure to be a blast.

I know this has been a pretty pointless post but as I said earlier, I got up too early and have no idea how to fill this time so you get this.

Happy Holidays Already

More Michael

Hello Everyone
Been a day or so since I threw anything up here, so I figured I should probably do so. It's Saturday, 10am and I'm not used to being up yet on a Saturday so I have nothing to do, so this will do.

Last night I watched a Dateline Special called "Michael Jackson. Accused". The show just about made me sick.

Now I should start this by saying I don't believe Michael is guilty. I don't know him or have any background info... I just have that feeling that he really didn't do it and this is some hick family looking to get famous off of someone else. Anyway.

The special though was very clearly an anti-Jackson show. Sure, they claimed the hole time to be impartial and objective but there was not one person on the zhow that said he didn't do it. Everyone they interviewed said how obvious it was that Michael had done it and when there were gaps in the story that could prove his innocense they were quick to find an excuse to eliminate that gap. It was sickening.

Also, while the host was talking about some of Michael's habits, it seemed he was making fun of him. He didn't just deliver the information, he said it with a sarcastic tone making it seem like "can you believe this guy?". This is not objective journalism and had no business being on a news type broadcast.

There is nothing wrong with having a completely and blatantly anti-Michael special if that's what you want to do. But don't put it on Dateline or if you feel that's where you have to put it, at the very least don't call it news and objective journalism because if there were people who weren't sure before, they're most certainly sure he's guilty after seeing this show. Sure, these people are sheep but you're taught to believe the News and this type of thing was not news, this was opinion and had no business on the show it was advertised on.

Hey Kid, There's Candy At My Themepark

Oops, nothing got posted yesterday. Oh well, there's not really much any of us can do about that now. I was going to throw something up here last night but I came down with a madass migraine that kept me from doing anything other than laying on the couch and trying not to cry. My head still hurts and I hardly got any sleep last night because of it but at least the pain has gone down some. Hopefully it keeps going down and hopefully I can grab a nap at some point because bad headaches and loud music aren't friends, at least not in my experience.

Yes, tonight is a night of beverages and concerts in my neck of the woods. A friend and I are going to see
3MDM
at a local bar. If you're not familiar with 3MDM, and let's face it, you probably aren't, they're without question the greatest cover band I've ever seen. Not only do they put on an amazing show but they're super nice guys as well. Hell, the first time I went to see them the lead singer bought me a beer. How cool is that? And to top it all off, you don't have to pay to get in. All you pay for are your drinks and food, mostly drinks in my case. Seems to be the way most people who go handle things, especially the Scottish guy who gives you a shower every time you talk to him. Oh well, he's a good guy too and I don't even mind him. Don't worry, he's not part of the band, he's just a fan of there's. So if you see that they're coming to a place near you, go, you'll have fun. If you don't have fun watching those guys, you my friend are a complete idiot. Maybe that's a little harsh, but there's definitely something the matter with you if you can't enjoy a 3MDM show.

Ok, on to music of a different kind. I'm not sure what to make of this whole Michael Jackson thing. Part of me wants to believe that he didn't do anything wrong since I grew up with Thriller, but part of me recognizes that the guy's a fucking freak and should probably rot somewhere. Then there's the part of me that understands his fascination with kids, and trust me, it's a really small part. But just think about this for a second, Michael Jackson had no childhood. By the time he was 5 years old his nutcase Dad had Mike and his brothers made into international music sensations. Touring the world, making albums, doing TV specials and all sorts of other public appearances isn't really normal, especially when you've got a father like Joe running the show. So in a way, it almost makes sense that Michael gravitates towards children, he's trying to live out his childhood vicariously through others. It doesn't give him the right to feed any of them the flesh lollipop, but it's a good solid psychological reason for him to act the way he does. If you think I'm talking out of my ass here, just remember that the guy lives in a fucking theme park. If that doesn't scream nutty guy trying to hold on to some shred of being a kid, what does? As for him being a nutty guy, how could he not be? He had nothing resembling a normal life, ever. He didn't grow up and become famous, fame was thrust upon him from day 1. He had no choice and to him, he's not weird at all, everything he's doing is as normal as going to the grocery store.

And I really wish that the media would simmer down a little bit. I don't need a blow by blow acount of every moment of this saga, so to speak. The fact that Michael is working out the details of his surrender while taking a shit at a Burger King in West Virginia isn't really of great concern to me. Tell me he's a wanted man and put on the weather. I don't need all the comments on the case from other Hollywood stars either. Surprise surprise, they're all supporting him. I can't see how this would surprise anybody, I mean come on, just look at some of the people who call Hollywood home. To find a bigger group of perverts and weirdos than that you'd have to get comments from Congress.

So the bottom line here is that I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for him or disgusted by him. I'm thinking that the right answer is somewhere in the middle, which is probably where my final opinion of this whole situation will end up no matter how it turns out in the end. But Michael, I'm rooting for you, I want you to be innocent. I want to find out that you didn't give anyone a Thriller, because that would be Bad. But if you did, I'm just glad that the kid is not my son. This case is far from Black Or White, and if he can get himself cleared of these charges while being guilty all along, he's a Smooth Criminal for sure. But I suppose that all that's really important is that when all this is over, he can still look at The Man In The Mirror and like what he sees. By the way, if any of you reading this Wanna Be Startin' Somethin', that's what the comment boards are for.

Fun With Spammers

From: "hit_this_piece_kara7" <
hit_this_piece_kara7@yahoo.com>

To: <
Other email address of mine that none of you know about.

Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2003 10:06 AM
Subject: I like to do it on top of my car

"I like to masterbate on top of my 2004 Mercury Cougar I get even more turned on when I am being watched check it out at"...link removed.

From: "Steve W"
To: "hit_this_piece_kara7" <
hit_this_piece_kara7@yahoo.com>
Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2003 11:45 AM
Subject: Re: I like to do it on top of my car

I also like to masturbate on top of your car so please, quit putting it in
the garage and put it back in the goddamn driveway where it used to be. The
door is heavy and noisy and breaking into your garage to rub one out on the
roof just isn't as fun and dangerous as doing it out in the open. I'm sure
you can do me this one little favour, I thought we were friends.

Must Be That Time Of Year Again

I know it's getting close to being Christmas when I start seeing all of the Christmas humour in my email again. Most of it is all the same old crap that I've seen every year, but my brother sent me one today that I'd never seen and it's pretty funny so here it is.

Politically correct 12 days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas.
Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah.
Good Kwanzaa.
Blessed Yule.
Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Ask At Your Own Risk. (November 19, 2003)

Hello and welcome back all you little Vomiteers. It’s time for the 2nd edition of “Ask At Own Risk.” There was mixed reaction to the first installment but we will continue with this until the feedback is all negative.... and probably even then carry it a little longer. We start off this time with a real question.

Dear Comet

So I got this girlfriend, and her mother and sister do not approve of me highly. WHO KNOWS WHY? Wink wink. Anywho, I was wondering how to get those 2 monkeys off my back, because, well, they're very protective of her and...y'know. And as for her mother and sister, they're even more protective. They worry I may treat her poorly and such and such. Okay guys, fire at will!

- Signed Wikkid Awesome

Dear Wikkid Awesome

I suppose you could kill the two monkeys.... think it over.
If for some odd reason you decide that you’d like a less bloody solution try bein’ what they like when you’re around them. Sure, you’re compromising everything that you like about you - but it’s all worth it later on when you’re gettin’ your mack on. Or ditch the momma’s girl with her babysitter and go find a woman that would hand out the lovin’ at her own parents funeral. Do what you gotta do, man.

Now back to the usual.

Dear Comet

My daughter met her boyfriend at 16. They dated seven years, he was like
a family member. Everything went fine until he was laid off last year.

He became depressed and emotional. He decided to separate to focus on
"searching for his goal." She was devastated.

A week later he came back and asked for forgiveness. But he's still unhappy.
He searched for jobs with little success. He put away my daughter's
pictures.
He didn't wear their relationship ring anymore.

Recently, he said he finds no challenge or motivation in their relationship.
He even indicated another girl was interested in him. He said he knew my
daughter
was the best for him. However, he wanted to split up to prove he could be
successful doing things on his own. If he comes back, he'll marry her.

She's upset. I advised she stay calm and not respond to his e-mails. Am I
right?

- Confused mother

Dear Retarded Mother

What the fuck is your problem? Your daughter is absoultely devastated at what’s going on and your advice is for her to cut him out of the picture? I’m glad I’m sure glad you don’t write these columns. You are what I like to call an unrelenting idiot. The stupidity that you unleash unto this world comes in waves, over and over, never ceasing, just continuing to pour more and more stupidity in to this world screwing all of us UNRELENTINGLY!
Do I know how to fix your daughter’s problem? No? But you didn’t ask that? You asked if you were riht and the answer is a resounding “Fuck No, Bitch!”. They’re having a tough time and clearly love each other. His idea is a stupid one but what do you think he will do if the love of his life stops answering his e-mails? For the love of Bunt Cake, lady. Think. No. Don’t think. Stay out of their lives. I’m sure you’re more responsible for this than you’d like to admit as it is.

Dear Comet

I've been dating a wonderful person for two years, we've known each other
for eight. I'm in my late 30s, he's early 40s.

I was married before and have two young teens who get along extremely well
with my boyfriend as if they were his own. At our age, I feel our
relationship
should have progressed into something more by now, other than still dating.
Should I be concerned?

- On the fence

Dear Fence

The only thing you should be ooncerned about is having your head examined. Let me make this clear to you. YOU... HAVE... BAGGAGE! Ya, things are cool now while it’s all casual dating and stuff and the guy knows the little shits won’t be coming home with him but he wants no part of that. You’re an idiot for thinking he does. Those kids are a constant reminder that the “territory has been flagged” if you know what I mean and it will taunt him forever. Move on, or lose your kids somewhere. Maybe it’s time they had a lesson in “self reliance.” and shipped them off to the streets. If Junior can program has damn VCR, there’s no reason he can’t scrounge for food behind a Wendy’s.

Dear Comet

This girl that I really like has just gone through a tough break up. I was there for her the hole time. I’ve liked this girl for a very long time and while I was supportive to her during the break up, I was kinda hoping that they would break up as he treated her poorly and I believed that her and I would be a good fit for each other. I know it’s kinda low, but that’s what happened. Now I wanna know how long I should wait before maybe making a move, or if I should at all. We’ve been very close for a long time but never talked about being more than friends. A little help would be great.

- Looking For A Chance

Dear Looking For A Kick To The Skull

There are two very important thngs to note here. First of all, you’re an asshole. You sat there with a close friend with her crying on your shoulder and still hoped for what was making her so upset to continue. That’s classy. You’re Satan and you should rot. Now, the more important part.
You have taken the bus strait in to THE FRIEND ZONE! You were close before all this happend and probably borderline on the Friend Zone. Even if she ever even slightly considered you as a possible boyfriend before, she sure as hell doesn’t now... and I’ll tell you why.
You helped her through a break up. That’s it. You’re linked. Good friends forever. Enjoy it douchebag becuase you deserve this after what you did. Helping a girl through a break will link you forever as a closer personal friend. You got a better chance of getting some action in chasing her X-boyfriend than you do trying to score with her.
To her, right now, you are nothing more than sperm in a glass case. If things don’t work out down the road and she wnats a kid, she’ll come to you with one of those “when we’re 40 if neither of us are married” deals but that just means you’re her last option. Enjoy the late night phone calls over the fact that “Janet called me fat” and “wanna come pick out a top with me?”. For your sinful hoping for her break-up, you have been sentenced to a life in the Friend Zone.

That’s it for this week everyone. If you wanna write in with your own real questions, you can do so at...

mattrobinson_gms@hotmail.com
or
sendstuffhere@rogers.com

Constructive Feedback

As a public service to people like Me For President and The Cracker Tool who don't seem to get it, I thought I would post a short email exchange I just had with somebody who visited the site. His message is in italics, hope I spelled that right, and mine is in the plain old usual posting colours.

"i like your posts and rather enjoyed your web page, but i hate the name.
i don't think it becomes you nor your obvious intelligence.

Bud Keith"

Here's what I wrote back.

"Thanks, glad you like the site. But I didn't name it, the other person who
writes on the site did. He named it after one of the biggest public transit
busses in our area. It's a pretty apt name for that bus, and some of the
things written on the site by both of us make it a pretty apt name for the
site too. And in talking to some people, they said that the name was eye
catching and that's why they clicked on it in the first place. To each
their own and I appreciate you taking the time to not only check out the
site, but email about it. I hope you'll keep reading, even if you're not a
fan of the name.

Steve"

The point I'm trying to make here is this. It's not hard to be nice, and it gets you a lot further than being an idiot does. I think I can speak for Matt here when I say that neither of us mind constructive criticism or negative feedback as long as you take the high road and present it the right way. In short, if you're nice to us while pointing out your problem, we'll be nice to you. Mentioning our obvious intelligence doesn't hurt either.

Your Tax Dollars At Work

I just saw these in a weird news publication and since this sort of thing always makes me laugh, and since nothing has been posted here since Monday, I figure I'll share. Here are a few really strange American laws that are no joke. Remember that no matter what country you live in, you're paying people good money to protect your interests by passing this stuff.

In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aircraft or any other flying vehicle.

In Oklahoma, it is illegal to catch whales or to get a fish drunk. Oklahoma is an inland state.

In Milwaukee, residents must keep pet elephants on a leash while walking them on public streets.

In Muncie, Indiana, it is illegal to carry fishing tackle in a cemetery.

A law at Kirkland, Illinois, forbids bees from flying over the town.

An Ohio law states that pets have to carry lights on their tails at night.

At Greene, New York State, it is against the law to walk backwards while eating peanuts during a concert.

In Waterloo, Nebraska, barbers are prohibited from eating onions between the hours of 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

At International Falls, Minnesota, it is illegal for a dog to chase a cat up a telegraph pole. Owners are liable to be fined.

It is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pockets in Lexington, Kentucky.

Hey Ya

Hey, Kids.
What's goin' on? That doesn't happy often. Not one thing went up yesterday besides some fun on the comment boards... but that's cool. If you're reading this, you came back anyway and for that you get a nickle. Please leave your mailing information in the comment board and Vomit Comet will send you a shiney new nickle.
(Note: Nickels may not be shiney or new)

Well, When I started this I really had nothing to say and was just posting since it didn't happen yesterday. But as I was signing on the song "Hey Ya" by OutKast came on the radio. Now I'm not usually a a huge rap fan but this for one reason or another I find to be a pretty cool little tune. For some odd reason it's being played on the rock station here in town and that's how I got ahold of it and I've been humming it ever since.

I'm not particularly sure how it got on the station but it ususually pisses me off when this happens. Despite the fact that I do like this rap song, it's still a rap song and should not be on a radio station that tells us every 15 minutes that it's all about the New Rock.

They went through the same thing with Lose Yourself by Eminem when it came out. I admit these 2 songs are not your typical rap songs but they still belong to that genre.

but hey, since I liked the 2 songs, I'm willing to overlook it.

Well that's it for now but I'll try and get back later with some more. I'm feeling more motivated today than I was yesterday, and maybe Steve will be too.

Peace-Love-Unity

People Are People, And Sometimes That's Pretty Sad

I'm not sure why people feel the need to find something to offend them. Take for example some real winner on our comment boards just a little bit ago. I just happened to come and check the site for comments and new posts from Matt as I do through the day when time allows and I saw a few comments under a pretty nice post Matt did about life and putting in just a little extra effort to make things better. Somebody was actually able to read that entire post and zero in on only one word, completely missing the point, taking everything out of context and making him or her self look like the biggest tool in the universe. Seriously, if you have nothing better to do than to look for words to interpret the wrong way to try to find racist remarks or something else to get yourself offended, you my friend are a pathetic waste of time and space. If you want something to get all in a tizzy over, scroll down the main page and look through the archives, I'm sure there's something there that would upset you quite nicely, and more fairly than the use of the word cracker by a white guy no less, to describe himself, and not even in a racist way. Get over yourself, whoever you are. You're really quite pathetic if that's all you're about. And don't bother emailing or commenting to say that you'll never come back and read this site again, that's fine with me. You are the exact kind of person we don't need here, and the hit counts look pretty good without you around trying to cause shit. Oh no, I swore, call the word police.

The bottom line here is just like Matt said to you, "lighten up." And I'd like to add "get a life and a clue" to that, because it needs mentioning.

Nuts To You, And Your Silly Realism Too

I just saw one of those things that drives me completely batshit nuts every time I see it. Right now on
WWE.com
they have a short interview up with Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks basketball team. Right at the beginning of the story, the author of the piece says the following.

"After taking the RKO from “Legend Killer” Randy Orton, Cuban headed backstage to mingle with the WWE Superstars, happily
snapping pictures with many of them, and specifically seeking out Kurt Angle."

What in the hell is WWE thinking letting something like that make it to print? Randy Orton is one of the company's next big stars or so they want us to believe and they've been trying to sell everybody on the fact that the RKO is a deadly and very dangerous move. It finishes off some of the toughest guys in the wrestling industry on a weekly basis. When he drops legendary wrestlers and helpless women with it, it's a shame and Orton is portrayed as the scum of the earth. But good old Mark Cuban, sports executive? Doesn't phase him at all. He just heads backstage happy as hell to be there and mugging for the cameras.

Yeah I know, wrestling is scripted and when Orton hits the RKO on people, he's not really killing them. I'm well aware of all these things but let's apply the same logic to movies for a second. You watch a guy get blown to smithereens right before your very eyes. He's done. He's taking the big dirtnap, at least in terms of the storylines. Now suppose that the next shot you see is the dead guy partying it up with the same guy who just killed him. That would look pretty stupid and nobody in the entertainment business would ever be dumb enough to actually do something like that, right? Well, apparently not.

The WWE website is supposed to be an extention of the company and to a point, there storylines even though they use it, and rightfully so, to inject a little more humanity into the characters and to promote things. But when you word an article the way that they worded this one, it takes away all of Randy Orton's credibility. A lot of the people who read WWE.com aren't the hardcore fans who understand how the business works behind the scenes and they base all of their opinions on what they see on TV and what they're told to think by the company. When you present those people with something like that, why should they ever take anything that happens in the ring seriously again? And for that matter, even those of us who know what's going on to a greater degree still want to suspend disbelief and we want things to make sense. We want to be entertained by good logical writing and by solid action in the ring. We want to be made to feel like what we're investing our time into watching and caring about means something. But when we see something like this, it just cheapens everything.

The really sad part is that had they simply not given the time the interview took place and not mentioned the RKO, all of this could have been avoided. Say he was hanging out backstage in the afternoon before the event, no harm done. Why did they have to say that all of this took place afterwords, even if that happens to be true? The wrestling business isn't above not telling the truth, hell, the entire concept is built on trickery and things not actually being as they seem. Why did they have to pick something like this to be honest about?

Maybe I'm just griping over trivial things but to me, it's those little things a lot of the time that make something great. And when those little things should be so obvious to people who should really no better, it just makes it even worse when mistakes like that are made.

Bear With Me, Kids

It should be noted before continuing to read this post, I am running on roughly 18 minutes of sleep... and those 18 minutes were on a commuter train... Let's Go!

An odd little metaphore for life that I saw this morning that probably only occurs to those of us who are currently deprived of sleep, or those who have nothing better to do than to read more in to things that is really there. Since currently I fall in to both, I'll share this with you.

This morning I was attempting to travel down town Toronto on a Go Train which in the mornings are just a mess due to all the commuters going back and forth to work.

To board the train, you have to go upstairs from the terminal on to a platform. On this particular day the train had stopped in a mannor to which right outside the doorway to the staircase to the platform was one of the doors to ONE of the cars on this train. As I walked on to the platform and looked on to the train and saw hundreds of people jammed in to this ONE car, most of them having no seats of course and having to stand. I decided this was not worth my aggrivation as, like I"ve already stated, I was running on NO sleep.

So I walked by the door knowing that there were probably more places to get on that wouldn't involve me having to stand pressed against a large burly man that had not seen a stick of SpeedStick in 4 years and a woman screaming in to her cell phone "SELL! SELL DAMN YOU!"

I walked no more than FIFTEEN FEET to the VERY NEXT DOOR and got on. There SEVEN people in this car. I grabbed a seat comfortably on my own as I wasn't in a particularly social mood and waited. As we waited for the train to leave I would periodically look out the window and watch more and more people pile in to that car because there was a door right there.

"How the hell is this a metaphore, you crazy cracker?" you're probably asking. Well let me explain.

It took me a grand total of 19 seconds and 14 footsteps to go to the next door and get a comfortable seat and have an enjoyable ride to my destination. Those who saw an open door 9 inches from the stairs and nearly shit themselves over the convenience, conversely, all stood together in one large grumpy, frustrated, upset mob.

Those in life who are willing to do just the smallest bit more are those that seem to get through life happier. Was it really that hard to see that there was already more people in that car than it could handle and they were all upset about it. Was it that hard to walk to the next door which was no more than 15 feet away? Of course not. It was by no means any kind of inconvenience to take this very minimal amount of effort and walk to the next door, and I was rewarded with a seat by myself and a quiet ride while everyone who took the easiest possible solution were all granted the opportunity to surround themselves with their own kind and be as pissed off and frustrated as they'd like to be.

Those who consistantly do the very minimal but sometimes important little extra things seem to be the ones that get through life that much more enjoyably. We should probably all take a page from these people. This morning I took a page from their book, and I'm quite glad I did.

More later, after some coffee perhaps.

Sunday

Yes, I know today is Monday but since most of the stuff I'm going to talk about here took place yesterday, the title works. Who's site is it, anyway?

Sorry for not getting anything up here since Saturday by the way. Just wasn't into it yesterday and since nothing really happened, I figured rather than tell you all about my day again I'd just keep my mouth shut and let you all enjoy Sunday either elsewhere or skimming the archives for memories of Sunday's that have come before. Besides, the most productive things I did yesterday were the dishes and some cooking, neither of which are much fun to read about I'm sure.

I managed to catch parts of the Grey Cup game last night, looked like a pretty solid game from what I managed to see. I'm happy Edmonton won especially after how Toronto was robbed by Montreal in the Eastern final last week. I had an East against West bet with somebody that I lost because of the outcome but I'm happy to part with that 5 bucks because in the end, justice was served.

As for Survivor Series, can't say it was horrible, but I'm not going to call it a blow-away show either. Honestly I'm going to have to watch it again to get a better feel for it. I kept nodding off throughout the whole thing because of a serious lack of sleep over the last few days. I caught pretty much everything but I just wasn't in a clear state of mind at the time so it wouldn't be fair to either praise or come down overly hard on it just yet. I will say this however, that Smackdown 5 on 5 match sucked a long, hard, juicy fat one. Even though the right team ended up winning, the match was just put together so poorly that none of that even mattered and they didn't really get anybody over any stronger, other than maybe Cena. Granted putting Cena over strong in the match was really important, but they really dropped the ball on the Bob Holly thing. Getting him DQ'd in the first 30 seconds after hyping up the confrontation between he and Lesnar for so long was just a bad move. I hate those quick elimination spots, they accomplish nothing other than making guys look either stupid or weak, and when they're done so quickly like they were last night it makes things even worse. I understand part of it is a time thing, but pushing people forever as tough guys and then having them get pinned by 1 move just makes no sense at all. And what was there to be gained from having Lesnar tap out again? It won't lead to anything serious for Benoit, those kind of things never do. Sure there might be a feud but I can't see Benoit winning it, he never does. Maybe I'll write up a more detailed thoughts piece once I've had a chance to watch it more thoroughly for all of the wrestling people who read this, or maybe I won't. Time will tell I guess.

One other thing I wanted to mention. Yesterday marked a month of us hit counting the site. Just for the sake of interest, as of this writing, we have had exactly 1572 people visit this thing. Thanks to all of you, especially all of the people who keep coming back. Sure that number might seem pretty small to some people, but I'm impressed with it, I had no idea that so many people cared what Matt and I thought about anything.

Ok, I think that's all for now. I'll try to put something together for later and I think Matt is back today so hopefully he'll have some fun stories to tell.

Later all.

Musing

I'm not really sure why but I just got thinking about that Puppetry Of The Penis show that's been touring around the world the last couple years. If you don't know what that is, it's these 2 guys that use their penises to create things and do what could best be described as stupid human tricks. That whole concept weirds me out. I mean it's one thing to figure out that you can do things like that, but the first guy to realize it had to not only tell the other guy, but also get him to admit that he could do it too, and then convince him that if they just put their heads together, (oh gees, that wasn't even intentional,) that they could make some good money by traveling around showing people that they are masters of dick trickery. Maybe I'm missing something. Ok, I probably am because they've got piles of money and even a DVD of their act now.

I wonder how many people went to see the Vagina Monologues because they thought it was a ventriloquist act.

I was watching Cops tonight and I saw a commercial for the 11 o'clock news where they were talking about an elderly man who had just finished walking across Canada. We would find out why at 11. I bet he just went out to get some milk from the store and got lost.

Speaking of Cops, we've got a Canadian version of that show called Serve And Protect. I swear that this show is all the stuff that they edit out of Cops. It's the same idea, just without all of the action and excitement that makes Cops interesting. To give you an idea of just how completely lame Serve And Protect is, I saw one episode where they actually aired a routine traffic stop. I'm not making that up. They pulled a guy over, had him show his licence and registration, asked him how fast he was going, wrote him a ticket and then let him go. Wait, I'm not even sure if they even wrote him out a ticket at all. They did however ask him where he was heading, so fear not, the suspense factor was still in full effect.

God, Canadian TV just sucks. Other than the comedy and the news programming that is, we own America hands down there. It's really cool too because sometimes the comedy and the news overlap, like whenever the Prime Minister is giving a speech. You have no idea how much fun it is to watch him on TV. The guy can't speak either French or English competently but he's the best option we have for a leader, has been for about 10 years now. The guy's even more fun than watching Bush, because Bush just massacres the English language, Chretien is completely inept in both official languages.

Hmmm, not really sure how to end this post, wait, I've got it!

Posting By Request

Well, here we are. I was asked politely by our friend
Karine
to please post something, because she loves us and misses us when we're not around, and because the lack of content today is making her head spin. Ok, so she actually said something along the lines of write something because I have nothing better to do than read this, but who's keeping track? So just because she visits the site every day for some reason and even went so far as to link to us in something called "blogs I like" on her own site, I'll post for her. I'll warn you though, this is going to be the worst post ever, because not feeling well and going absolutely nowhere all day doesn't really make for quality blog entertainment.

Let's just start out by describing my day, and what it consisted of. I woke up this morning far earlier than I had planned to the forces of internal evil knocking on my stomach and telling me they wanted out. Not much fun, and it pretty much set the tone for where the rest of the day was heading.

Then I turned on the computer, checked my email, and then checked out the site here for comments and anything Matt may have posted while I was gone. I responded to the comments and then went to check our hit counter to see what kind of business we'd been doing around here. I was pretty impressed with you people as usual. All the hits are very much appreciated, no matter what Matt says about you guys, I like you all, even most of the dumb ones. After that I went and checked out the other blogs I usually take a look at every day, reading and commenting where required.

With all that out of the way and the running to the bathroom still in full swing I went and woke up my girlfriend to see if she'd do me the biggest favour ever and cover for me at the place I needed to be today. She said she could, and she did, so that was quite the good thing because the stuff I had to be doing didn't really lend itself to spontaneous trips to the can.

Moving right along, I made myself a pot of soup and ate a granola bar while it cooked. Talked to the girlfriend about various things while this was going on. Then when the soup was finished I sat down to eat it and said goodbye to her as she left to do my job, since I'm a lazy prick and decided not to do it myself, er, um, because I was sick, oh yeah, that was it.

When I finished the soup I signed on to MSN for a bit to see who was on. Then I set about surfing the net for no other reason than I felt like it. I also picked off whatever email came in. Wow, this post is so stupid and I respect anybody who has stuck with it this long. Just remember that this is all Karine's fault.

During the course of surfing the web and having MSN conversations with people, I also had to answer my phone a couple of times because it rang, which is usually the best excuse to answer the phone. Oh yeah, let's not forget the running to the bathroom, because I sure couldn't.

Eventually I decided that as long as I was home I might as well do productive things so I did a little bit of work on another project that I have on the go, which you'll all be let in on shortly. Speaking of that, if you can write about music once a week, don't forget to
email me.

As the day goes on I start to feel better, which makes me happy. Then my girlfriend returned to the house, which also made me happy. She actually got back just after I started writing this stupid post.

While talking to her about her day I started supper because we were both hungry. Didn't have the energy to cook a big meal, so it was bacon and toast all around. Pretty good stuff.

Skip ahead a little ways and here I am, writing the rest of this post and watching the news. I also just got up and turned on some more heat, because it's kind of cold in here.

Hey, they were just saying on the news that a U.S official says that the group fighting against the American occupation in Iraq, the one that's been planning and carrying out all the bomb attacks, is a pretty small group of only about 5000 people. That kind of got me to thinking that if the States just wait things out a little while, the terrorists will eventually run out of suicide bombers, assuming that they don't recruit any new ones and then they won't have to worry about getting blown up anymore. Hey, it's just a thought.

And so ends this horrible post. Remember, it's all Karine's fault, blame should be placed squarely on her. By the way, be sure to visit her blog, which you can find a link to in this post or in the pile of links on the right, because she uses titles for her posts now, and that's pretty snazzy.

Wait, partial blame can also go to Matt, since he didn't have anything to say today. Yes, Karine and Matt are both responsible for me having to inflict this on you all.

Steve Needs Your Help

Do you like music? Are you literate? Are you creative? Can you write things once a week that don't completely suck? Well neither can I, but I need your help. I need 6 people who are seriously interested to send me an email at
sendstuffhere@rogers.com.

When you send me an email letting me know that you're interested, I'll write you back, give you the scoop on what all this is, what exactly I'd need from you and what you have to do to be part of something that could one day be quite a big thing. Remember, only write me about this if you're serious and can write something once a week by a specific day on the subject of music. I don't even care what kind of music it is. If you can speak indepth on the underground single string guitar and trombone scene, that's fine. All I need are interested parties to help me out here. Thanks guys, it's much appreciated.

Door

So. We got a new front door at our house the other day. Ummm..... it's a nice door.....

The Movies, And Some Other Crap

Well hello there boys and girls. Haven't seen me around much lately have you? Well I'm sorry, just been busy is all. Much love to Matt though for bringing the content as he always does and getting the comment boards happening. Good to see those things being put to good use, at least most of the time it's good use. Let's just call it reasonable use and leave it at that, how does that sound? Smashing? Fantastic then, let's move on.

If you haven't done so yet, be sure to check out
Blind Error,
now with snazzy new commenting features and super amazing hit counting action! By the way A Man, I had no idea that you were into that sort of thing, not that there's anything wrong with that, Ha! But seriously, hit that link when you're done with all of this, it's worth your time. The man is a crazy nut, but a crazy nut who can write, even without a working B on his computer. The man's insane!

Not sure what I can add to the Me For President saga, Matt seems to have handled that one just fine. But this goes out to all Americans, if you're wanting your next President to be as dumb as your current one, I think you've found your candidate.

I should also note that I was shamed and humiliated on Monday night by of all people, my very own girlfriend who proved to me that she could piss and whistle Christmas tunes at the same time. I'm not sure if the physics are different for each gender since the peeing positions are different, or if it was just the fact that I was somewhat drunk at the time when I first tried the experiment, but I have been shown up and I'm not a happy man.

Ok, movies. I figured that what with all the talk about movies around here lately, it would only be right for me to chime in with some thoughts. My thoughts are pretty much this, I hate movies. Well not all movies, just most of what's being passed to us as entertainment these days. A lot of it just plain doesn't interest me and I don't feel any sort of great need to go and watch most of what's out there, even when it hits the video store. But more than that, I'm just not a fan of the movie theatre experience. By the way, before anybody starts jumping all over me, I spelled theatre right, that's how it's done in my country. But like I said, I don't like movie theatres.

First of all, you have to pay 10 bucks just to get in the door to watch something that's probably not going to be worth 10 cents. Then you have to buy food, which is another 6 bucks. I suppose you don't have to buy food but I figure that if I'm going to be here, I may as well get something enjoyable for the money I'm spending. Then you get to your seat to watch your film of choice and they have the nerve to show you commercials. What the hell is that? I'm not talking about the coming attractions, that's fine, it's good to know what's coming out so you know when not to come back. What I'm talking about are the ads for actual products. There's absolutely no need for that, and every time I go to the show, it seems like there are more and more of them. I would have absolutely no problem with this if they were letting me in for free, but they aren't. I've already paid $16 for the privelege of being here, you don't need any sponsor support when your entire customer base have already given you assloads of money for the same reason. Let's say that you can get 200 people into 1 theatre to watch a movie. I just pulled that number out of my ass, every place is different. So 200 people times 16 bucks plus multiple showings at that same rate. That all adds up to, um, quite a bit, my math sucks, I'm not even gonna try that. But I do know that it does add up to more money than I'll probably see in my entire lifetime, and that's just in one year, maybe even less. Not only that, but I don't see why we need these commercials in the first place. They aren't telling us anything new. They aren't making us aware of anything we didn't already know, other than how pissed off we are at having to sit through them. There is absolutely no need for the cute little coke cartoon. I was perfectly aware of the availability of CocaCola seeing as I just finished paying 4 bucks for a 37 gallon drumb of the stuff on my way in.

Ok, the commercials are over now and your movie begins, at the same time as somebody's phone starts ringing or some jackass decides to be cute and start firing popcorn at your head. Wait, that's video night with the family when I was a kid. Ok ok ok, it does happen at the movies too, and it drives me nuts. Why would somebody pay good money to come to a public place like this and then sit and talk loudly on the phone with somebody who they could have just gone and visited for free? And what is to be gained from throwing food at somebody, other than getting that person to be quiet, or getting your own ass kicked? Not much, but it happens.

I haven't been to the movies in over a year and honestly, I'm not going back any time soon. When I do I can pretty much guarentee that it won't be my own idea. It just isn't any fun, even when you're drunk. Just trust me on this one. Remember "Dude Where's My Car?" Not even an afternoon of drinking could make that movie funny, and I can find humour in just about any situation.

Ok, this post is getting long and I have to get back to doing productive things now so I'll end here. Comment at will, but if you're looking for a place to start shit and be stupid this isn't it. If you really insist on being an idiot somewhere, try
here.
Sorry man, couldn't resist. It's all in good fun.

Later all.

MSN Fun

This is a conversation I just had MSN not more than 15 minutes ago....
================================
me for president says: what will you be babbling about today on the ol' vomitcomet?

matt says: probably how complete strangers add me to msn to ask me stupid questions.

me for president says: that wasn't very funny. i hope you're more funny on your page.

matt says: i'll try my hardest just for you, you creepy little stranger.

me for president says: i'm not a stranger at least your not a stranger i read you all the time on your blog but lately you and steve have bothsucked and been boring get better and fix it

matt says: some punctuation probably would have helped in there somewhere.

me for president says: w/e. you guys used to be cool but not anymore

me for president says: now all you do is talk about hockey and stuff that no one cares about

matt says: we're from canada dude and so are most of the people that read us... and the rest don't complain like whiney bitches with skinned knees

me for president says: what difference does it make where your from bitch?

matt says: oh man... are we done? normally i only tollerate stupidity like that from people i know, and you don't drop in to that category.

me for president says: thank god

matt says: indeed

me for president says: start being cool again or i won't read your guys stuff no more

matt says: well. it's obvious you want to like us... so that's always good. i'll work on "being cool" but i haven't mastered in the first 20 years of my life, not much hope for the next 20. sometimes the truth hurts. we're just not cool enough for you.

me for president says: no kidding

matt says: if you'll excuse me, i can think of much easier and less irritating ways to waste my time than by having this conversation..

(me for president has been blocked)
================================
Now don't ask me if there was actually a point that this guy had for adding me because I didn't really see one unless he really did have nothing better to do than to tell me to "get cool again". I mean a simple drop on the comment board or an e-mail would have sufficed... but to each his own I suppose.

I didn't post the conversation I had yesterday where another total stranger added me and simply said "scarey movie licked horse balls and so do you" and then blocked me again. Surely you people have better things to do than criticize someone elses opinion with crude name calling. I mean to debate over the movie bringing decent points to the table is one thing... but to simply express that someone enjoys animal reproductive organs as an arguement is somewhat stupid and doesn't leave much reason to respect the person voicing these opinions.

I guess there really was no reason for the post other than for my own amusement. And really, that's what this page is all about. But you can all know this. While I'm more than willing to sit and debate and have a conversation over how good a movie was or how bad a cd or song was, I find those of you who do nothing more than write to say "you suck" to be amusing and don't give it another thought. Go back out for recess kiddies. For the rest of you who seem to bring decent points to the table, continue to do so as it's always great to get some feedback whether it agrees or disagrees with my own opinion.

I'm out......... FOR NOW!