How Much Is That Doggie On The Street Corner

Brad sent this. It's 100% true. Carin and I have had a lot of strange things happen to us out in the world, but never this.

He also says that the story is much better in person, and I agree. It's hard to do things like this justice in writing, but he did fine and it's still pretty amusing.

Here we go again with the weirdness that is a part of so many of my days.

I was walking home last Friday from work, and a guy came up to me and asked me if I wanted a Shih Tzu.

While I was trying to figure out why on earth someone would want to give away a dog on the road to a person they don’t know from Adam, he proceeded to inform me that the dog’s name was Bubbah, he is 8 years old, not fixed, and he has only been bitten by him three times.

Naturally, the first thing I say is, so, he was broken once then? It took a minute, but he did get it. I told him that I didn’t want his dog, but thanks anyway, and I went home.

I haven’t seen either of them again, so I don’t know what became of good ‘ole Bubbah. Did he stay, or did he go?

Another Satisfied Customer

the subject of bad voting experiences for those with disabilities has come up before, and it's about to come up again.

Brad went out and voted yesterday like you all should have, and as happens so many times when you've got something the matter with your eyes or anything else, it didn't go well. Nobody argued with him over what Braille is, but this is still completely unacceptable and should not be happening in a time where things are moving towards ease and accessibility for everyone.

Here's what he wrote about his experience. I think a version of this is going to wind up as a letter to the editor of his local newspaper, and so it should. More people need to know how horrible the act of voting with a disability can be. That's the only way it might ever get better.

As a rule, I am not the first person to make a huge deal about whether or not something is accessible for everyone, but this is about to change.

Like many other Canadians, I went out and did my part by voting. Even though many of my fellow Canadians learned very little from the last government when it held a minority, we now have a Conservative majority. This is by no means any fault of mine. Might as well take down the border between Canada and the U.S, we’ll be clones soon enough now. But, let’s save that for another time.

All went relatively smoothely until my turn to go in behind the box and vote. Then, what to my nearly sightless eyes should appear? Well, you guessed it, nothing. No tactile overlay with holes, no Braille overlay so I could tell whose box to X. Nothing at all.

Wouldn’t you think that in Brantford, a city likely having the most blind citizens per capita in Ontario, that something would have been done to make it possible for a visually impaired person to mark their own balett?

When I was first old enough to vote, I lived in Tavistock, a small town near Stratford. They had the tactile overlay. One of the ladies working there took me behind the box and explained which hole was who, then left while I marked. That was fine. What happened this year was not.

Luckily for myself and the people at the Polling Station especially, I had come with my neighbor. They got him to help me; actually, they got him to X my balett “on my behalf.” Is that even legal? Does anyone else see a problem with this? I don’t see much, but that was obviously not the thing to be doing. Everything is supposed to be super-private, and you make me vote like this? What happened to the whole privacy thing?

I know for a fact that we were both voting the same as we discussed it on the way to the Polling Station, but what if we weren’t? What if he was not the type of person to mark who I said I wanted? What if I had gone alone? We’ll never know because after being marked, the balett was folded, and suddenly an object of secrecy, as it should have been all along.

I wish I had spoken up at the time and made a complaint, but there were others waiting to vote and I didn’t want to hold up the line. But, rest assured, next time, I will say something. I don’t know whether or not any other blind people in Brantford had this problem, or if it was just my particular Poling Station. But, if a small town like Tavistock can make voting accessible to all, why can’t a large city such as Brantford follow suit?

Brad Wettlaufer

If you had a similar experience, let people know. Write your newspapers, write your MP, hell, send it to me and perhaps I'll put it up here. And if you want to let Elections Canada know how you're feeling, fill out this form and send it in. There's no good reason why the government can't do better.

Turmel Turmoil

Carin posted sometruly amazing videothe other night of the great John Turmel campaigning during his run for Mayor of Brantford this year. Go watch that again, I'll wait and you'll thank me for making you. By the way, I think "Jiu-Jitsu John's gonna kick you in the nuts" may get my vote for line of the year. Kind of makes me wish my name was John, truth be told.

But anyhow, Brother Brad, who you've heard from before, lives in Brantford and actually got to meet the man in person. He was kind enough to write about the experience so that we may all live vicariously through him.

Without further delay, here's the story.

Well Hello everyone out there in Vomitland. It’s been a while since I wrote anything for the Comet, but never fear, I’m fine.

I should have written this right after it happened but I never seemed to have time.

I had just gotten on the bus to go downtown. We stopped and a guy hurled a little cart type thing on the bus, flounced in after it, paid his fare and began shouting that he was John Turmel, he was running for mayor and he wanted to pay broke students to shovel snow and do other odd jobs for old people. He came up to me, shook my hand and gave me one of his brochures. He asked me if I liked Accordion music and I said of course I did. Who doesn’t like accordion music? He then proceeded to inform me as well as anyone else who wasn’t wearing earphones that there were four concerts a month at different old folks homes around town and anyone that wanted to go was welcome.

I think he was getting on several people’s nerves because when we got down to the bus depot the inspector came charging out of the office and told him he wasn’t aloud to solicit or do whatever it was that he was doing because it was upsetting the riders. He stated in no uncertain terms that he was not soliciting, merely informing the people that he was running for mayor. The inspector said he would have to stop or he would be banned from the buses. Finally he agreed and raced off down the platform with his little cart flinging brochures in people’s faces. I don’t know what happened after that because he got on another bus. All I heard was the inspector say, “Shit, he’s doing it again!”

I don’t know how anyone else felt about that whole thing, but I must say I consider it a great honour to shake hands with a man who has single handedly lost 60-some odd elections, been arrested for campaigning in front of a high school, threatened to kick a man in the nuts and been potentially banned from the transit system for an undetermined length of time.

Keep it up John, you’re an entertaining fellow.

The Fatchelor

This comes from brother Brad. he didn't come right out and tell me to post it, but knowing him that's what's supposed to happen. Thanks for the kind words, buddy.

What in the world is wrong with people? I just heard on the news that there's going to be a new show similar to the Bachelor, only to, shall we say, help those more corpulent folks among us find that waddling blob of jelly they have been seeking for years.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but do you see the need for this? Can't these people just go on the, I hesitate to use the word "normal" version of this show? Or better yet, go out and wander around and look for your new potential significant other? Aren't there enough stupid pointless waste of space shows out there as it is? 

There was some sort of debate on after the news, two people one for and one against it. They both had good points and bad ones. One said that if someone wants to eat 2 steaks, half a dozen potatoes, and 3 or four slabs of pie, more power to them. If they're happy with themselves, why shouldn't they find someone, while the other person said it was totally disgusting and pointless to even consider such a thing. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against fat people. I mean, Look at Steve. He's a wee bit hefty, but he's still a good guy. But, is there any reason to air stuff like this?

I don't know, maybe it's just me. I still firmly believe that good television died when the last reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies went off the air and they stopped showing Alf. So, my opinion probably really doesn't mean that much.

I Think Maybe This Guy Took Chemical, You Know.

At long last, here's another wacky story from my brother.

I've been meaning to write this down since the day it happened a couple weeks ago.

I was walking home from the bakery one day. It was a real nice day, warm and sunny. I wasn't really paying attention to much, just listening to the birds trying to be heard over the traffic. Next thing I know some guy steps out in front of me in some sort of plaid barn shirt type thing, sticks his hand in front of me and says, " I'm Joe."

I was kind of surprised, but I shook his hand and he asked a couple questions about why I couldn't see, how long I'd been that way and everything. That by itself would've been okay, and I was wanting to get home for lunch anyway, but, I couldn't get away from the guy. I guess he had had enough of hearing about why I was blind, and launched in to some sort of story, I guess it's what happened to him at some time or another. I don't know if I can do it justice by writing it down, it's better heard in person, but I'll try.

"I was in the hospital for hours waiting. finally they come and get me, put me in a wheelchair. This young guy was pushing me through the corridors, running. I told him to slow down and he didn't listen to me. He was a fuckin' Jew Turban Doctor."

I'll have you know, this wasn't what I was expecting to hear, but I couldn't say anything. He just kept rambling.

"I yelled for him to slow down and he kept running. He turned a corner and I fell out of the chair and hurt my fuckin' leg. Fuckin' Jew he was. Finally we get to another room and a doctor looks at me. He looked at my leg and twisted it around. Fuckin' Jew Turban doctor. They all Turban doctors. I stayed for hours well they look at my leg."

By this time I'm practically starving because I hadn't eaten anything since 4:30 that morning, and it was approaching the wonderful hour of three. But, Good ole Joe had no intensions of letting me go that easily.

"I planted my neighbour a vegetable garden. He's crippled, can't do it on his own. The police come, they arrest me because, I don't know. Fuckin' Jew Turban doctors. My wife, she screaming, " Why you take my husband, why you take my husband?

"This lady police officer, she fuckin says, you be stop yelling or we take you too.

"I sit in police station for hours. they ask me questions. finally I go home. I get fuckin trial you know. It was a fuckin' Jew.

"Say, your not Jewish, are you?"

Fine time to ask that, buddy. Nope, lucky for you, I'm not. If I had been, you would've known in the first 10 seconds of this conversation.

Then he goes back to me being blind and asking more questions about that.

"You see nothing all your life no?"

"That's right."

"You eyes not work right because your Mom took chemical, you know."

I don't think she did Pal, but whatever you say.

After a bit more jabbering about his crippled neighbour's garden and some other stuff about fuckin' Jews and another thing or two about Turban doctors, he said:

"You stop by any time, I love you, you good boy."

Well, if that didn't give me the creeps...nothing would. I said bye, and headed home.

That's it. I probably didn't do it justice because he had some sort of accent going, kind of a cross between French and something else. You really have to hear it.

Apologies, Elections, Wrestling And A Crazy Cake Lady. What More Could You Ask For?

Sorry it's been such a slow week around here. Between Carin getting ready to go on her trip, me having some truly horrible nights of sleep and I think fighting off some kind of cold, and Matt being away at a gay bathhouse convention, the poor Comet has kind of been getting neglected. I've been keeping up with the events of the world, but I haven't had the time/energy/inspiration to write much of anything down until now.

I'm glad to see that Elizabeth May is going to be involved in the leader's debate. the Greens are a truly national party unlike the Bloc Québécois and even the Reform Party in the beginning, and it's absurd that she had to threaten legal action to finally get invited. I also find it ridiculous that the Conservatives, the NDP and even the Bloc who shouldn't be there to begin with threatened to boycott the event if she was included. If the networks had any backbone they'd have told all of them to put their money where their mouths were and went ahead and let Elizabeth May make policy statements for a couple of hours. If push were to come to shove, there's no way that any of those tough talking blowhards would have passed up the chance to appear in front of millions of potential voters, and I guarantee you that none of them have the nerve to risk the PR disaster that would result from doing so for such a stupid reason. I've lost much of what little respect I had for everybody involved in this, and that includes the NDP who I'll probably wind up voting for this year. Actually, this, combined with the complete lack of decent party leaders, might be enough to get me to vote Green for the first time ever. Nice job, idiots.

On the wrestling front, if you didn't see Unforgiven and are considering buying a replay, don't bother. If you must see it, go download it for free and spend the $40 on a case of beer and some snakcs so you'll at least have something to enjoy. It was far from the worst show I've ever seen (that's why TNA exists), but it was nothing I'd ever need to watch again. Michaels and Jericho is the only thing that's remotely must see. I was curious to see how the Scramble matches would go, and while I didn't hate them, if that concept winds up being a one and done that's ok by me. Speaking of the Scrambles, thank God for Triple H. For a few minutes during the Smackdown match it looked like Brian Kendrick might be looking to have a good night and possibly even get himself over a little bit. Good thing he was there to squash him repeatedly to make sure that didn't happen. I mean lord knows we don't need somebody trying to make himself a star. Think of the trouble that would cause and the ratings points that would be lost if people were forced to watch believeable characters. Triple H is truly a hero, a man above all men for preventing our collective suffering with his selfless actions.

Not much else to say right now, but I'll hopefully try to get things back to some kind of normal here today. In the meantime, here's another bakery story from Steve's little brother.

It's too bad I missed this.

On Saturday after I left the bakery, some lady came in with a cake she had bought the week before. She said that we had spelled congratulations wrong, which is highly possible. The boss said he could fix it for her if she wanted, but she wanted her money back...pretty badly. She started screaming about how she had ordered it in advance and it should be perfect. Then she started in on how it wasn't pretty enough to be a wedding cake. Umm, if you wanted a wedding cake, you should've ordered one. What does she expect for $20? Obviously not what she got. You would think that a 2.5 foot square cake decorated with all different colours and some hideous candy flours would be enough, but it wasn't. And as she stood there, yelling louder and louder and still coming up with faults with the cake, customers were leaving the store, just dropping what they were going to buy and heading for the hills...who can blame them? Then, to top it off, she started yelling at some random guy who was there to pick up something he had ordered. Apparently she thought he was the boss. Maybe he was, but not of that bakery. We'll probably never see him again either.

Finally, after asking her to leave about 10 times, the boss called the police, and she was escorted out of there by 3 of Brantford's finest. No word on whether the wedding was a success, but, she did keep the defective cake.

Emergency Rooms, Open Your Doors, There's An Imbecile Coming In!

Here's another one from my brother the baker. It's always nice to know that my lack of faith in humanity isn't unfounded.

Unless your some relation to the Pillsbury Doughboy, you shouldn't try this.

Yesterday, I was slicing bread out in the front of the store when some woman came in. I'd say she was about 55 to 60. She wanted to buy half a pound of yeast. We figured she was going to bake herself some bread or something, so we sold her her half pound of yeast. Just before she goes out the door with it, she says, "Yes, my doctor says I'm low on Vitamin B12, and yeast is high in that, so I'm going to eat this."

Hold on there, lady! Do you not know that yeast is alive, it'll rise in your stomach, make you all bloated up, and to cap all that off, if you don't blow your gizzard out your forehead, you'll be shitting through the eye of a needle, because that's what yeast does? It lives in your intestines.

All I can say is I hope she conducts this little experiment outside, where at least she won't leave a mess for her family to clean up when she parts down the middle like the Red Sea.

It's Time To Get Somebody Fired

It's been a while since we've put up any guest posts, but that changes today.

This one is from my brother. He recently started a new job, and every time I talk to him he's always got stories to tell about something or other. A lot of them are about the people he works with and to be honest, if he's telling me the truth,I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea that some of these people are handling my food.

Anyway, he says he's willing to write some of this stuff down and send it in from time to time. I love this idea, because anything that saves me some thinking time is more than good by me. He's already sent me a couple, and this is the first one. Enjoy.

England swings? Apparently one of my co-workers does too.

I work in a place called the Bun Shoppe. No, it's not some sort of porno palace, it's a bakery. I've worked there for about 6 months now, and am used to the strange people that work there, or so I thought.

Everyone there has worked there for longer than I have, Until Rob started about 3 or four weeks ago. He's a quiet guy, doesn't say much. He's about 18 years old or so, but still seems like a kid somehow, I think it's some of the things he says and does.

The other day, Just Rob and Alice were there. Little Alice we call her, because she's smaller than the other Alice that works there. Anyway, Little Alice, well, to put it politely, never shuts up. She's always talking about something, and you never know what she's going to say.

On Sunday, it was just her and Rob filling bun orders, and they were talking, and all of a sudden Alice, who we all know likes to, well, swop partners with other couples, yes, a swinger. Don't get me wrong, if you can get yourself a wife, or husband that doesn't mind you puttin' it to your best friend's husband's brother's wife or something, more power to you. But Poor Rob had no idea I guess that Alice swings like a pendulum, and out of the blue she launches in to a detailed account of the rules to swinging...yes, apparently there are rules to swinging. She was telling him all about how to properly swing, you have to do everything in the same room as your husband/wife and their new-found partner. Well, Alice was telling him all about how she was with this guy, who she coincidentally is now married to, and her x-husband and his x-wife were doing whatever it is you do while your former mate is watching you. Well, I guess Rob turned red as a beet and just tried to change the subject, but it was too late at that point.

To make this short, he learned that she is in fact still married to this man, but is still wildly in love with her x-husband. No mention of whether her new husband still thinks about his old wife, but chances are he does...maybe they should go to another party and switch back.

It's Bud The Spud From The ...Big Deep Freeze?

Brad sent me this and it cracks me up. And I can vouch for how great those potatoes are, they're...something. Maybe not something you would want to ingest, but they are indeed something. Take it away, Brad!

You know how there are some vegetables, like beans, that you can boil for a couple minutes and freeze? Well, there are some you just can't do that with. Well my soon to be vomitting friends, my aunt freezes potatoes. Yes, potatoes. Which would be all right, if she did it the right way. You can't do it like beans.

The way she does it, they're not in the water long enough to know that they are even wet let alone boiled before they are in bags bound for the freezer. When they come out, ready for cooking, they look like little frozen marbles floating in water. When cooked, they are a big sloppy glop of slop that can almost be sucked up with a straw.

Enjoy your dinner.

Guest Posts are Here Again

Well, I got an email from our new-found commenter Jen saying she had something to say here. Since I always like it when there's a new opinion to add to the mix, I figured I'd put it up here. So, without further adieu, here's what she had to say.

Arg I Hate Autimated Computers
Well as I sit here reading Carin's trouble with bell story something occurred to me.
Why is it that most companies have autimated computers that handle their calls. Emily is one from bell and she's mighty frustrating.
When I call Bell I would like to talk to a real person not just some computer who mixes up everything you ask her about and mistakes the words "I want my account balance" to you want a new product alright.
She's not the only one that buggs me. Then there are the kind of computers that want you to make a selection to handle your call by pressing 1 2 3 or 4. You can't just talk to someone anymore.
What has happened to our society? I don't know but it's mighty frustrating.
In closing when I want to ask a question of a Bell representative or OSAP I just want to talk to someone not listen to 15 computer generated prompts before someone actually comes on the phone.

Stubbornness

This was submitted by our good friend Bobblehead who has a tendency to show up, post a bunch of comments on a bunch of different things and then disappear again. She had some thoughts knocking around in her head and decided to write them down and give them to me to post, so that's what I'm doing.

If any of you have something to say, you can feel free to write me at sendstuffhere@rogers.com and I'll see to it that your thoughts find their way up here. But don't forget, I don't edit anything, and if your writing is bad, I can and probably will make fun of you.

And now, here's Bobblehead.

Stubbornness

All right, you don't know me, and I don't know you. But I can say something with almost absolute certainty. You probably are, or you probably know someone who is stubborn about something. Stubbornness, you know, the ability to refuse to do something, not to be confused with procrastination.

So where did it all start? Is it a human trait, or is it in animals too? I'd have to say, from my point of view, that it comes from both. I mean, ever tried to walk a dog? Dogs, dogs are stubborn. They'll pull you, they'll take you where they wanna go, and they'll be persistent about it. They willingly defy you, that's stubbornness, for you.

Then you can find it in people. You know, when you decide that you should try and dictate how a person should run their life, and they know that you're right, but again, for whatever reason, they willingly defy you. Now that's where you find it in people. I mean, when someone's sick and they should see a doctor or something like that, and it's been going on forever and ever, and you tell this person, and he/she refuses, that's bad. They're being incredibly stubborn. Yes, two sentences ago, I did use the word "and" too much, so sue me.

But then there's the whole idea of trying to get someone to you know, admit to their stubbornness. They'll be like, "I'm not being stubborn, I'm just ..." Then they won't have anything else to say in their defence. They can't admit it, and they can't rationalize it to anything more than just perhaps a certain mood or something like it.

Now I'm a stubborn person. I will be very stubborn, with just about anyone or anything. But I was able to write this ... whatever it is, with only nine fingers. That's how bloody stubborn I am. I'm not even supposed to be typing you see, but I wrote this anyway. I decided a few weeks ago, that I would kick a door, a big metal steel door, before actually opening it to go outside. Well, shit, that didn't work out so well. The door slammed on my finger, and I basically cut the tip of the finger off. I was in stitches, no I wasn't laughing, for two weeks. Novacane, and pain were the key players for that two weeks. And now, ... almost a month later, I'm still only with nine fingers, and I'm not supposed to be typing because it is really annoying to have to move one's finger over every time one wishes to type you know an A, Q, Z, or even a 1. So you see, I have no idea how this relates to my original theme, but it was suggested I add why I have only nine fingers, so I chose not to be stubborn, and explained it.

Fake Meat?

This was emailed to me and I decided to post it. I didn't write it, it was sent in by a reader. If anybody else feels like sending me stuff, my email address is all over this site, you're smart, go find it.

I heard today that some idiot is making fake meat out of that tofu junk. But wait, this isn't just your ordinary fake meat, it is supposed to taste like
meat.
First things first, how are they going to make soy beans taste like meat? Think of all the crap that will have to be mixed in to that already sickening
concoction, then, and second, who in their right mind will buy it?
Imagine coming home from work to something like this.
"What's for supper tonight?"
"Oh, we're having something I picked up at Tofu's Are Us, it's supposed to taste like pork."
Glad I never have to try that stuff, that is until it is illegal to kill animals because it violates their rights somehow.

Teacher's Strikes And Lazy Bastards

I love when people send me stuff to post, it makes it look like I'm working really hard to update the site and provide content when I'm actually just checking the mail and pasting stuff into the box. So in that spirit, I got this from everybody's favourite comment board poster, Greg Twilly, who asked me if I'd post it, and I am, because it's funny and he makes a few good points here. Not only that but Greg rules and deserves to have every word he says read and respected by all.

Remember, neither Matt nor I wrote this and I'm not correcting anybody's spelling, I'm posting this as is, same goes for anybody else who sends me anything, which anyone out there is welcomed to do by the way. So now, here's Greg!

for those of you out there that are going to colleges in ontario, you are in the same situation that i, greg twilly am in. tonight at midnight the teachers
are supposed to go on strike. this strike may last a couple of days, but they say that it shouldnt go any longer than 2 weeks. thats great. i dont care
if it lasts until next wedenesday, that way i can watch all of the trades in the nhl on the deadline day, but if it goes any longer, i think that all of
the teachers can go fuck themselves with their high paying job paystubs!! they dont feel that they get enough time off. THEY GET 14 WEEKS A YEAR OFF!!
lets start with the winter semester, jan - april. march break - 1 week, usually 2 weeks between semesters, which brings us to the summer semester. at
my school, or at least my program, they get 7 week off in the summer semester, and yet another 2 weeks between semesters. and finally, the fall semester.
they dont get any weeks off during the semester, but they get 2 weeks off in december for christmas break. i didnt mention the stat holidays, but there
are 6 stat holidays = 1 week. so there, if my math is correct, is 15 weeks of time off for the bastards. now, i dont know about you, but i dont know
of too many jobs that offer 15 weeks of holiday time. most jobs you start with 2 weeks and you get more the longer you work there, but you would have
to work in a place for like 60 years to get that much time off. so now they are talking about the amount of students that are comming out of high school
now and are entering post secondary schools. for the colleges, cut your numbers for enrollment down, make it harder for the little horny fucks to get
in, make it so that you better the college by not having so many people drop out. that is all that the colleges are in it for is the money. when i started
my program, there was about 120 students accepted. there are now maybe 60 left. that is half of the students that have dropped out, and mostly in the
first or second semester. that is $78,000 that they got from students for tuition, and where is it going? the other thing about the over population is
that in some ways it is the teachers faults. how many of your teachers have kids in high school? use a fucking condom or the pill, thats what that shit
is there for. at my school, they have been constructing and renovating like mad. in the 3 years that i have been there, they have added on or built 7
or 8 new buildings. these teachers are probably going to strike and fuck the students over. they are going to delay the end of the semester, which they
dont have time to do, and if they decide to cancel this semester, well then the class is going to be bigger again next year. and what about the students
that are graduating after this semester, who have jobs that they are supposed to start when they are done?
so there you go! tonight we find out if they are going to strike, but hopefully they can work this stuff out by friday.
and for all of the teachers that are whining about they jobs, suck it up and get back to work.

It's Out Of My Hands

Here's some cool guest material submitted by our good friend Carin, some time contributor, more frequent commenter. Enjoy, and feel free to send me things too, just make sure they're quality, because Carin's stuff when she decides to write is pretty good, as you're about to see.

It's out of my hands!

If you are a student in Ontario, and you get money from OSAP, or the Ontario Student Assistance Program, this phrase will sound very, almost oddly, familiar to you. Basically, for those who don't have to deal with this atrocity, OSAP is a government-run student loan program. You apply, and they run what you tell them through some mystical set of calculations to decide how much help they're gonna give you. Sounds good? Well in theory, it does, until you realize the government is running this.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the money I receive, whenever they decide I'm poor enough to receive it, which seems to be at random. I swear that, instead of a set of mystical calculations that decide applicants' fates, it's a set of chimps that are scared shitless and given pointers. Then whoever they point at in the pile gets money. But that's not even my biggest problem with OSAP. The government can't be understood, we just have to face it and deal with it when they are particularly asinine about it.

This is what I have a major problem with. A couple of years ago, the government took an already inefficient system and subjected it to further butchering. Before this point, you applied, then OSAP granted you your loan and you decide which bank was supposed to hold the money. Then, although the government was slow as molasses, it was simple. You knew the bank was separate from the government and the government was separate from the bank. You knew where to go when you had a problem at a certain stage. The government if you felt you didn't get enough, the bank to find out why it wasn't in your account. Plus, even though the government was slow, the banks were usually pretty fast, and since multiple banks did this stuff, they split the load so they weren't so overwhelmed.

Then, up in some government office, a twinkling light went off in someone's head. This was such an unusual occurrence that much fanfare was made of it. Someone got an idea! They thought, "Let's get OSAP centralized!" Now what should that mean to you? One place, right? One place to direct all your queries? One place that should have all necessary records and can help you figure out where the error is, right? Well that wasn't the government's idea. To make things worse, they called this place the National Student Loan Centre. Now what does that tell you? The same things as I mentioned above about the information being centralized? Or am I crazy? I don't know which scenario I want more to be true.

Anyway, this is the process you go through now. You apply online, which is enough of a bitch. If you really don't want to apply online, you can pay them 10 bucks for a paper form, which is getting even harder to do now. Ten bucks? Come on, it's not that much paper. At the university's inflated rates for photocopying, it would have to be 100 pages, and there's no way it is. I wouldn't even mind applying online if it sped things along, but it takes the same plodding pace as if I filled it out and mailed it.

Then you get a letter from the government saying that either the scared chimp pointed at you and you got money, or the chimp crapped on your application, rendering it unreadable, whatever the case may be. If you're lucky enough to get pointed at, then you have to go pick up your application papers at your school at the beginning of the year. Now, you'd think, great! You pick them up and off we go. A couple days later, and woohoo, the cash has arrived and you're all good for the semester. No no no. That only happens in a perfect world. Here's what happens in this one.

First of all, the people handing out the papers don't even get that much training from the powers that be. I sort of feel sorry for them, because all they do all day is deal with pissed off student after pissed off student, and have to smile and nod and pretend that everything is going to be fine even though they don't have a flaming clue because all they've been trained to do is, check the social insurance number, find the loan certificate that matches, hand loan certificate to pissed off student, move said student along. Repeat.

Then you deal with another set of people across the hall who are solely responsible for processing these papers. It seems the first people are employed by the Ontario government, and these people are employed by the national student loan centre. Again, these people are by no means experts in this stuff, nor are they connected to the system in any permanent way. They're just sort of given basic training and a few key lines that should get them along. You give them your papers and a voided cheque and they tell you to chill out and allow at least a week for them to process your loan and another few days for the money to actually arrive in your account. I think I feel more sorry for these people, because at this point if the student isn't annoyed already, they will become so after being told they may have to wait up to two weeks for their money. They will become pissed off very, very quickly.

And this is where the fun really starts. You see, these people don't arrive on campus until the beginning of each semester, which is coincidentally not far from when your tuition comes due. So, if you arrive on the very first day to get your stuff in and everything goes off without a hitch, then you might get your money before the university wants it. But not everyone can get it done the first day, and there are always bound to be problems with some people's loans being processed that are nobody's fault. So you're told to just whistle a happy tune for two weeks, and you are asked that, if your cheque bounces, "do you have overdraft protection?" Like we should have to pay for the slowness of the system. The university, or OSAP, should be reimbursing us god damn it! We shouldn't be thrown thousands of dollars in debt with no recourse because of these inefficiencies!

So you wait...and you wait...and you hope...and the fateful day of your tuition coming due comes closer. Can't you just hear the music from Jaws? Worried, understandably so, you pick up the phone and call the university and ask if they can hold onto your cheque a couple days because your OSAP isn't in your account. They tell you that they can't do that, it's out of their hands, that the cabinet is locked, and that no one has the authorization to open it and take out your cheque. Translation? We're just too damned lazy to get off our asses and look for your one cheque. We'd rather twiddle our thumbs and sip a double double.

My ass no one has the authorization to open the cabinet. Someone sure does when it's cashing day. Is he barred from university contact any other day of the year? Then they tell you, "you'll have to call the OSAP department." So you do. They tell you, "sorry, it's out of our hands. If it's been processed, we don't know where it is. You'll have to call the National Student Loan Centre and see what they say." So you call them and they tell you what day they sent it to your bank, but they have no idea when it will be in your account because after they process it, guess what they're going to say! Come on! You can do this! If you guessed, it's out of their hands, again you win a big fat bag of nothing. What? What kind of money-handling is that? If I were to send them some money, they would expect me to know exactly when it would appear on their desk, no ifs, ands, or buts about it! Anyway, during this crazy call, you notice what seems to be an error on your account, so you ask them to verify how much loan money you were given this year. Their response? This too is out of their hands, and that you're supposed to call some automated OSAP line run by the government of Ontario that you have to pay to call. You! have to pay to not have a chance to talk to any human! You! have to pay to be read some figures over a phone! Ooo, please afford me the privilege. At this point, you're livid I'm sure. I know I was. If I wasn't at a public phone, the scene would not have been pretty.

And I'm sure I'm not alone. In fact, I know I'm not. Because the government was in no way ready to be overwhelmed by a problem they created themselves, that is pushing double the amount of students out of high school at once, the university had to actually extend the tuition deadline because they were getting flooded with pleas to hold onto tuition cheques due to lack of OSAP. Isn't this an absolute farce? Isn't it ridiculous that, in addition to creating the double cohort problem themselves, they created their own inefficient system by trying lamely to be efficient? Any dumbass can figure out why this system isn't working. More applications go to less places, staffed by less people to save the government money, so processing time is longer. Why did they have to do that? If it wasn't broke, which I don't think it was, why did they have to try and fix it?

The only thing I can figure out is that the government gets money from the processing of these loans. I've figured out, through all these struggles, that the only thing that's centralized is the disbursement of the loans. The scared chimps are still kept very separated from this central place. It's not like I like the banks having more money, but hell, they were doing
a better job, or at least it seemed that way to me, so why not just give it back to them? The suckiest part of this whole thing is that the powers that be are kept even more well-shielded by poorly-trained workers and puppets up in the student finance department of each university and college. So along with the inefficiency of it all, you can't get anywhere!

So what's the best way to end this complicated mess? I guess I hope this makes someone somewhere feel better about what they're going through, and lets them know they're not alone. And hey, maybe it'll save someone a few rounds of governmental ping pong. So to everyone battling this system, good luck dealing with this load of crap, good luck in school, and good luck finding a well-paying job so you can tell OSAP where to stick their loan program and avoid this mess altogether!
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Guest Rant

This was emailed to me by our friend Carin for me to post. She makes some really good points about the way universities opperate. It's a really good read. By the way, if you've got something to say that you think the world needs to hear, feel free to
send it to me.
Just make sure it somewhat resembles the English language or it either won't get posted, or it will and we'll make fun of you for a world wide audience to see. But we here at Vomit Comet World Headquarters are all about giving the people a voice, and since you are the people, we're offering it to you. Against our better judgment in some cases, but what can I say, sometimes we're just too nice. Anyway, take it away, Carin.

university? deals? What's this?

The other day, I had to print some stupid paper from some stupid class. Yeah, so? Well, my printer was broken, so I had to use the public printers up at the university, and I saw something that summed up the whole philosophy that universities and colleges seem to have nowadays. Ok, now you think I'm crazy. How could a printer make me philosophize? I guess it's a sign that my nose has been too deep in the books. Well, let me explain. I had to buy one of those print cards that lets you have the privilege of buying your own paper on which the printer happily prints your essay, note, piles of research, or printed material for whatever dreary purpose dragged you to the library anyway, all for the low low price of 10 cents a sheet. but the print card lets you print mass quantities with relative ease, sort of like the way you pay for cell phone minutes in advance.

Anyway, when you buy your new fangled print card, the price is $2 and you get 10 sheets, supposedly, for free! I know what they want us to think. "Well Yippee hoo! The university is giving something to me for free! That's sooo coool!" But think about this for a second. I'm no expert in the cost of plastic, but there's no way that thin piece of crap plastic is worth $2. No way in hell. Maybe it's worth $1. You are paying outright for every single sheet you get. They're just making sure you buy at least 10 sheets so they don't get ripped off, god forbid, if you only use one sheet.

But then you say, "If you're going to print out scads and scads of pages, wouldn't you be happy to already have 10 on your card?" Well, if you're printing that much, guess what? You're going to have to give them more money anyway, and you already paid for it. They're not saving you anything, except maybe the two seconds it would take to find that extra luny to pay for those 10 sheets.

Ok, now you think that maybe I should seek therapy for getting worked up over printer paper. But it's more than that. This whole supposed deals thing is just their clever way of taking your money and swearing to you that they're offering you a deal, so you won't feel like they fucked you so badly in the ass.

It's everywhere. They tell you it's cheaper to pay up front for a meal plan, and then you find out that first off, it's fucking expensive, so you wonder what it would have been like to pay meal by meal. Next you notice that they've given, er, ahem, made you pay for more meal points in this plan than you'll ever spend, that you can't use them in certain places at certain times, and if you don't use them by April, well, tough. They get the money anyway, ha ha. On top of that, they've made two different meal plans, designed to suit your ass-fucking needs. There's the on-campus one that I described, and then there's the off-campus one. Oh yes, now that you don't live on campus, thus eating there is not compulsory, you can use it wherever you like whenever you like, and you can top it up with oh so easy to pay payments of $200 during the semester, but if you let the semester end, you have to pay $575 to revive your now dead meal card. Ooo! Which plan of fucktitude will I choose? So many options!

And to add insult to injury, if at some point you realize that you have no chance of using all your remaining meal points, you can sell them, but only to those who are on the same plan as you. So if you're on the on-campus plan, your only hope is to find an unbelievably gluttonous pig who empties out the cafeterias daily and just can't keep the points in his account, because more than likely, everyone else is, well, probably in the same boat as you. And then there's the ridiculous $50 that is incorporated into your meal plan solely to cover stolen and broken dishes! God damn it, does anyone actually believe that a university cafeteria is feeding us on their
finest china? Do they actually expect us to believe that from all the money they rake in from the student body, they're just too damn poor to replace the odd smashed plate and missing glass? It almost makes me want to steal or break something so I can feel like I'm getting my money's worth!

And then there are the compulsory fees that you pay with your tuition. Hey, I like the idea that I'm paying to have access to the athletic centre, counseling services in case I snap over these crazy fees, or the tons of other services on campus, if I *truly* had free access to them. Wanna know the truth? You only get a few free counselling sessions, and then they ration them out unless you're willing to pay more. Way to help out someone who's so stressed out they've come for counseling!

If you want to take a course at the athletic centre, you have to pay more! I just don't get it.

Maybe I'd understand if I could take a long hard look at the bills everybody has to pay, but there has to be some huge profits being gained at our expense. There's no way that thousands and thousands of students, plus how ever many alumni they manage to railroad into donating money each year, can't adequately finance a university as it is, and the tuition rates and donation requests are almost always going up! Why do we keep having to pay more for shit we should have already paid for?

And then there are the little things. Like when the old man who only seems to show up when graduates are parading past him so he can shake their hands has a birthday, and the university goes all out and buys a huge cake. Ooo!
Free cake! Nope. Like I said on the day I saw them do that, "I paid for that cake." It especially angers me when I see that, and then step outside and see that my friend in a wheelchair cannot get to class because they haven't cleared the snow from the ramp leading to his lecture hall, or can't open a door because the button has been broken for the past month, and nobody's gotten around to fixing it. How about paying the snow clearing guys or the maintenance men instead of wasting our money on a god damn cake. Maybe they can make a bridge with it when it's rock hard and he can wheel over it to get past the snow. Or it can serve as a door stop and keep the broken door permanently open. Until then, it has no use at all.

Yup, this all started out with a stupid print card. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I expect stuff to make sense. Logic? What's that? All I know is I'm being fucked in the ass by my education, and all I can do is bend over and take it. I don't know if I feel better now, but there, I've said it.
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right here!

If you have any feedback for Carin, her address is on her site, or you can send your thoughts to me and I'll pass them on to her.

Nick Civiero's No Mercy Thoughts And Predictions

This was sent to me just a few minutes ago and as promised, I'm posting it. There's still time for you to get a spot in this space, just
send your thoughts to me
and I'll put them up here. You've got until bell time at 8 PM eastern time to send these in so there's still time. Just remember, I'm not spellchecking anything anybody sends me so that's your responsibility. And now, take it away, Nick!

**********

Okay. First thing's first. IF the WWE are serious enough about building new stars, they shouldn't have Undertaker two years in a row to be up against Brock
Lesnar with the title on the line. That's one of the downfalls of the roster split. Anyways, predictions:
Match 1: Chris Benoit vs. A-Train:
Tell me if Chris Benoit is being underused. Kids, raise your hands. Many are raised, of course. I may have seen some house show cards indicating that Benoit
goes up against Brock (with the belt? not sure). Well, for the time being, Benoit is stuck in the undercard and I believe that he'll break out with an
important win over A-Train.
Winner: Benoit via submission.
Match 2: Tajiri vs. Rey Mysterio:
How does Tajiri have that mist in his mouth the whole time during the match??? That always makes me wonder. Just as the WWE had introduced the new Cruiserweight
Division, I didn't think that I'd be left out from seeing Ultimo Dragon NOT be included in the title chase, whilest Mysterio, Kidman, Noble and Tajiri.
WWE needs to be making more efforts to have Dragon be a part of the chase. But for the time being, Mysterio, in my mind, is too popular to be held without
the belt. Tajiri's title reign was interesting and may be losing a bit of it's steam.
Winner: Mysterio captures his third title reign via the West Coast Pop.
Match 3: Zach Gowen vs. Matt Hardy:
Who should the winner be??? NO ONE!!! Why??? The common consensus is that regardless of how the match ends or whomever wins, the fans will say: "Matt Hardy
only beat a one-legged guy, or Matt Hardy lost to be a one-legged guy, which in turn losses the credibility of the character and hurts him as far as a
push. Remember back to the Summerslam PPV when that match was canceled? Good move there. But now, it hurts Hardy's character in both ways. For Zach Gowen,
he's only used best in the mid-card area and shouldn't be tarnishing any of the up-and-comers, like Hardy.
Winner: Zach Gowen with the one-legged moonsault.
Match 4: The Big Show vs. Eddie Guerrero for the US Title:
In my mind, Guerrero SHOULD be the next main-eventer on the Smackdown! brand. He has charisma, he's good on the stick, has excellent wrestling technique.
Therefore, he should drop the strap to The Big Show in hopes of him getting volted into the main-event scene, which is getting stale.
Winner: The Big Show, which help from Chavo Guerrero (which is the only reason why Chavo's getting pushed, is because of Eddie)
Match 5: Kurt Angle vs. John Cena:
Definitely the match of the night. I'm not sure if these two had been working house shows together, but I'd see this match any night of the week vs. what's
been going on top as of late. Kurt and Cena know how to work well together in matches and this will be a specticale of a match. Match of the year candidate???
For sure. Along the same lines, John Cena is in the line for a US title run and not far from a WWE Title run in about another six to eight months.
Winner: Too close to call, but I'm going with the Master Of Thuganomics, John Cena.
Match 6: Vince Mcmahon vs. Stephanie McMahon:
Can't disagree with Steve's predictions on this one. There was also a quote from Steph on the Jimmy Kimmel show, as she was asked why the Mcmahon family
is getting strongly pushed on both shows: "We can't resist." Is that it??? Is that only it???
I'm sorry but for that to be said, there's no reason why both Mc's or any Mc's for that matter have the power to thawrt any angle proposal with 'wrestlers'
and shoot it down to be replaced with Vince against Undertaker for the WWE title as an example??? Arrrrrggghhh!!!!
Winner: Vince. Happy Marriage and honeymoon, Steph. (Oh yeah, with Trips becoming a Mcmahon, well, seeing my explianation above.)
Match 7: Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title; Stip: Biker Chain Match:
We've seen these guys on top last year, and with the same allignments as Brock as heel, same as last year as well as Taker as a face, same as last yer.
The only difference was that Taker was the champ last year and Brock needed to be crowned the champion to build him as a star.
A year later, the writiers have no belief in Benoit or those other up-and-comers. Instead, Taker??? I'm sorry, but Undertaker's time has definitely passed
him as a main-eventer a long time ago.
Winner: Brock retains with a CLEAN F-5 FINISH.
Steve, how did you like those ones??? Oh yeah. What's going on with the tag straps??? Hmmm, I guess it'll be thrown together in the last minute.
Steve, make any comments if you wish, as well as you, Matt.
Nick

**********

There you have it, guest predictions. It's just that easy. All you've gotta do is
mail those bad boys to me
and they'll be up here faster than you can say something that takes a long time to say because it'll take a few minutes for the email to get to me, and then I have to read it, add anything I feel the need to add and then put it up here for the world. Trust me though, they'll get posted unless my computer takes the biggest shit on the earth.

Later,
Steve