The Wait is Over!

I can't contain this. I'm so happy happy happy I have to write it here. And because I'm a complete and utter bitch, I'm going to make you wait for the good stuff just as long as I have to.

Today, I finished up my shift of answering phones. As I left, tired as usual, I phoned home to say I was on my way home so Steve knew generally when to expect me. And this is what happened.

steve: hello?

Me: hello.

Steve: How are you?

Me: tired...but whatever.

Steve: Well, wake up.

Me: huh?

Steve: I was heating up the grill and starting to make food when the phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, so I let the machine get it. I checked a bit later, and discovered you have a message from...
(world suddenly begins to move in slow mo. I cannot breathe. I'm clinging to the railing)
the instructor at Guide Dogs!

Me: gasp. Shriek!
(runs for exit of building since I just shrieked and might have caused unnecessary alarm)

Me: Some incoherent babble and a lot of gasping, half laughing and half crying!

I ran down the street, probably looking like I was looped out on bad drugs. I was half expecting to get stopped and asked if I was ok. I was so giddy I didn't care. Tears were streaming down my face as I ran because I'm such a terminal sap and cry when I'm happy too. I got to the bus and got on. Then, fate started teasing me, making this gift like those Christmas gifts you get that are wrapped in 3 boxes and you have to keep opening more and more boxes. The damn bus took 10 minutes to leave the damn square! When I got off at my stop, the damn sidewalk was covered in ice, snow, and assorted garbage, so it took even longer to get home than I wanted to! I ran inside, called back the instructor and...got his answering machine!

Arg! He's done for the day. God damn damn damn it! But tomorrow, I will have my doggy class date, and as soon as I have it, it's goin' up here! Yeah! I'm goin' to California! Start the countdown, baby!

I can't even begin to express how this feels. All the anciness is over! I'm going! I feel drunk without taking a sip of booze. I'm incoherent and stuttering. I'm absolutely nuts with glee! And you're all staring at me like I should really take a chill pill. Maybe I should. Na! I'm gonna enjoy this!

An Odd Combination Of Things

Every day, I'm either sent or I come across a lot of funny or interesting things. Sadly, a lot of them don't make it to the site for one reason or another. Sometimes they're too short to make anything out of. I do 1 line posts from time to time, but you can't do that with everything. Sometimes I just flat out can't make something interesting out of something on its own but have nothing else to put with it to make it work. Sometimes I simply forget about them when something else grabs my attention. Because of this, a lot of pretty decent material has died on the vine over the years for no other reason than that I suck. So today I start trying to change that. No, not that, I'll always suck. No amount of changing is ever going to fix that. But from now on, I'm going to do my best to make sure that all of you see more of what I see. Sometimes it'll be weird news, sometimes it'll be serious news. Sometimes it'll be videos, sometimes it'll be audio. Sometimes you'll get quick jokes, sometimes you'll get websites you can waste your life on. I don't know how this will turn out from day to day or even if I'll have enough to work with to make it a daily event, but I'll do my best to make it as entertaining and hopefully as frequent as I possibly can.

Ok, now that we all understand what's going on here, let's get to it.

If you find that any of these links don't go where they're supposed to or don't work at all, that's not my fault. Things disappear all the time and there's nothing I can do about it. It's just the way the internet works, don't yell at me.

*New Zealand resident A J Hackett is planning to
bungee jump
from 4920 feet in the air out of a helicopter. If the stunt is successful, he will double the current world bungee record. If not, funeral services will be held at the Church of Our Lady of What Were You Thinking?

*I think I've found
the next generation of contributors
to
Cover Letters from Hell.

*This
story
explains 2 things. One is the obesity epidemic, and the other is why people in less fortunate countries don't seem to like Americans so much.

*
Wasn't that a party?

*According to
How Many of Me.com,
there are 2 of me in the United States, 0 of Carin, and 133 of Matt. I mention this in an attempt to educate and inform, as well as to help you waste hours of your life without really trying.

*Speaking of which, if you're looking for a way to waste time while still being somewhat productive and maybe even a little helpful, go
here
and tell everyone you know [other than me thank you very much] to eat fruit.

*If I believed in the death penalty, stupidity like
driving and checking your email
is the kind of thing I would think a person should fry for.

*Something tells me that this woman's
messages from God being in violation of signage laws
is the least of her problems.

*I never thought that something so simple could be so dangerous, but the
11 deaths, 100 plus injuries and over 700 arrests at an annual kite-flying festival in Pakistan would seem to prove me wrong.

*If we have to pay people billions of dollars to act like children, why don't we pay children to do it? It would make a lot more sense than paying people like John Baird to
present fake Academy Awards to the liberals for changing their position on environmental issues.
First of all, nobody has done a bigger "flip-flop" than the Conservatives on the environment, and second, if you're going to act like a smartass and try to parody the Oscars, at least try to name the movie that they won for. I think even a child would have done that.

*If you really love Google, or if you're just one of those people who likes to throw away money and for some reason don't want to send me a donation, $124.95 US can score you your very own
official Google bean bag chair.
But if that's not enough for you and you now find yourself in need of a few pairs of Google socks or even a Google lava lamp, then you're going to love
the Google Store.
Looking at all this stuff makes we wish I was better at taking advantage of people's desire to own stupid crap. By the way, be sure to ask about our Vomit Comet deluxe toilet seats and dinnerware before you leave.

*I think the people at Science in the Public Interest must think we're idiots, either that or they just don't visit the real world very often. I can come up with no other way to explain
their urging that restaurants be required to provide nutritional facts about the food on their menus.
I agree that we should all be able to easily figure out exactly what we're eating, but if you think that labeling a giant cheesecake as a bad nutritional choice is going to stop anybody from ordering it, you're probably wrong. Yes, people are stupid, but I have yet to meet a person who has ever confused a cake with a carrot.

*
This is definitely not cake,
but it's one hell of a protest, I'll say that much.

*Wanted:
Woman to take ass beating from angry wife in place of actual mistress.
And here's the really funny part. As of the time this story came out, 10 people had already offered their services.

*
This is great video I seen all time all my life.
I love the Iron Sheik. And yes, I know this is old, but it never stops amusing me.

I dont' think I'll be able to top that one, so we're done for today. Feel free to send anything you think I might want to see, I like stuff. If I use it, then I will have.

Talk to you all soon, and sorry about the recent lack of updates. We were doing pretty good for a while there, but all good things must come to an end sometime, and so too must our update streak.

Play A Jazz Chord!

For some reason, perhaps the slight buzz I've got going right now, this joke cracked me up. Yes, I'm well aware that it's stupid.

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!"

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Keep It Down Up There!

Man mistook porn movie scream for rape

OCONOMOWOC, Wis. (AP) - A Wisconsin man said he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped but the sound was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbour was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."

A criminal complaint said the neighbour told police Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock.

"Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbour, the complaint said.

"Where is she?"

The neighbour told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbour led Van Iveren through the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.

The neighbour later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanour counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.

Van Iveren said Tuesday he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.

"I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel newspaper.

Contesting his neighbour's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room and he never threatened the neighbour with the sword.

"I had the sword extended. But that was all," he said.

Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.

Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

That story reminds me a lot of
this one from 2004 about a guy who planned a fantasy rape with a woman in a chat room but then broke into the wrong house.
The only real difference between the 2 is that Van Iveren only wound up menacing a stranger because he thought he honestly needed to help somebody. So while he should definitely feel like an idiot, at least he had guts enough to react to what could have been a bad situation.

Cover Letters From Hell

I should have written this up a few months ago when I found out about it, but since I'm a lazy hack, I just never got around to it.

Advertising agency
Killian & Company
has a hilarious section on their website called
Cover Letters from Hell
that features, well, cover letters from hell. The link above will take you to a complete explanation of what's going on as well as to a whole mess of greatness known as the Cover Letter Hall of Shame.

This link
will take you to the newest batch of submissions, which is full of gems such as the following:

I recently seen your job posting on craiglists.com I have a very extensive background in Marketing Communications ... I have wrote traditional copy for print catalogs Hammacher Schlemmer and Spiegel ...

I have to commend you on your superfluous and otherwise over-the-top website.

During my student teaching, I touched many of the students, especially the boys.

I feel that a companies sucsess depends on customer satifation and each employees dedication to meet that goal. I also attached my resume online. I will be very excited to hearing from you.

"Hello! My name is _________. I spoke with the woman in charge of your hiring the other day, and she suggested I send in this resume. While it goes against my personal, cultural, and religious beliefs to take any sort of orders from a woman, I decided to send this on in for your consideration. I would be a very good asset to your company, and I know that I can advance quickly enough so that I would never need to take orders from your girl again."

Go read the whole thing, and weep for humanity.

More On Telus. Wait, Make That Moron Telus

In a quick update to something Carin
wrote
about a few days ago,it seems the spineless fairies at Telus have caved and will
no longer be offering their porn subscription service.

I have no more to say, Carin did a fine job of saying what needed to be said last week when the story came out.

The Timing Sucks, But If You're Going To Fight, The Hospital Is A Good Place To Do It

A routine appendix operation in Belgrade went horribly wrong when two surgeons started fighting and stormed from the operating room to settle their dispute outside.

according to a recent
report,
surgeon Spasoje Radulovic was operating when fellow doctor Dragan Vukanic entered and made a remark that started a quarrel.

"At one moment Vukanic pulled the ear of the operating doctor, slapped him in the face and walked out," the on duty anaesthesiologist said when describing the fight for a local newspaper.

Doctor Radulovic followed him out and an all-out fight ensued, resulting in bruises, a split lip, loose teeth and a fractured finger.

In spite of the chaos, the operation was thankfully completed successfully by an attending assistant doctor.

I am, Slowly, Going, Crazy, 1 2, 3 4, 5 6, Switch!

I'm ancy. Every day, I'm ancy. Some days, I can't focus on anything, because I'm so ancy! I'm sure I'm driving Steve absolutely, positively nuts some days because I'm constantly looking at the clock wondering if I'm going to get a call. You wanna know why? Because I still don't know when I'm going away for my new guide dog!

I think about it all the time. I dream about it. It's causing me to put my life on hold because I can't look for work not knowing what block of time I'm going to be gone for, and it really wouldn't be smart to get a job and, during that fragile 3 months of probation, say "Gee, boss, I'm going to be gone for a month." I've gotten mixed opinions about how it would go over if I told them right up front. Some say if it was a year off in the future, they could see no problem, some say even if it was right now, it wouldn't be a problem as long as you told them right at the time they offered you a job, and some go "Why do you need one right now? That's going to so screw you up." So, since finding a job is hard enough with the whole blink factor, I'm waiting until after I come back with fido in tow. Anyway, I'm rambling.

Because I just couldn't take the ancy feelings anymore, last week, I called the school. Plus I wanted to know because I have things that have to be taken care of, I.E. tax crap, student loan crap, at a certain time, and I wanted to find out if I have to make other arrangements. I'm so anal about deadlines that unless I know if it's going to be done, it bugs and bugs and bugs and bugs me!

It took me so long to dial the number because I was so nervous. The phone rang, and I held my breath. I asked to speak to Admissions. They put me through. I asked them the status of my case, I.E. if they have any new information, and said that my email has been a bit weird and I wanted to make sure I hadn't missed anything. It hasn't really been that weird, but I had to come up with a reason to not seem like a neurotic freak who was asking what was up, even though they said they'd give me 4-6 weeks' warning. Time slowed down to a crawl, and I received...exactly no new information!

Raaaar!

All she could say was, "We're looking for a match. We didn't want you to have to come home in the snow. We'll tell you as soon as we know." Not even a remote idea about the chances of getting in in April, or May, or what.

I hung up the phone, and could feel the energy flowing out of me, like I was a balloon and someone had just done that thing where it makes that sputtering noise and flies across the room and lands flat on the floor, deflated. I lay on the bed, so sad. I know I shouldn't have been sad, I wasn't rejected or anything. But it was so disappointing to get no new information, no date to shoot for. I was suddenly afraid I could be going in June, or July, or August! Who the hell knows? I could be waiting for another year if they can't find a match before the snow is flying again. They said something about a smaller, more manageable dog. My first thought was, how small? I can't handle a giant, but Babs was a 50-pounder and she was a challenge but she was fine. Are they limiting their search too much? How long could my life be on hold, waiting, wondering, hoping, praying, thinking maybe now would be the time?

Let's recap this little journey. I got the application packages from a couple schools, decided to go to the Ottawa school, came home with my beautiful Babs, had to retire her way too soon, had another interview way too soon, bombed it, said I'd try again when the spring came, then moved in the spring, had a second interview and aced it, and finally heard the news that I was accepted! I have invested so much time and hope and energy, it has to come true soon! It just has to!

So for now, I've started counting down to the day when Barbie goes for hers. 13 weeks and 6 days baby! That has given me something to look forward to, even though it's not my own class date. I've been a geek and found the pages where the class dates are listed. I could be going in 6 weeks and 6 days, or 8 weeks and 6 days, or 10 weeks and 6 days, or 13 weeks and 6 days, or later, although hopefully not. I'm! still! ancy! God! damn! It!

Don't Drink and Drive People Nuts

When there's a problem, people seem to find a need to pin the blame on someone, don't they? It would be nice if they could figure out who the right person is to pin it on.

There's a neighbourhood of...what should we call them...outraged area residents? Sure. Sounds good. They're mad because they live near the main office of a cab company, and on a regular basis after the bars have closed, drunken hooligans come by, bang on the cab company's window and demand a cab. Of course, this wakes up sleeping neighbours, and I understand why they're pissed if it happens all the damn time. Apparently, it's been happening for years, and they've tried to call the police, work with the cab company, come up with solutions, but nothing's working.

But here's where I part ways with our sleep-deprived neighbours. They're trying to blame the problem on the cab company and put the onus on them to fix it! Ok? And how do they propose they do that? Pay the city to keep the buses running? Have lines of cabs at the bars to pick people up like at the train station? turn down the drunks and risk their cars getting smashed and cabbies getting hurt? How is the cab company going to stop drunks from being toolchests? At least these people are asking for cabs, not driving home and killing some poor area resident who happens to be out on the street. Then the rest of them would be really outraged. Would they tell the bar to pay for the person's funeral?

They're Going to Get it Done, Come Hell or High Water

This just creeps me out. Does it creepyou out?

Liberal Leader Stéphane Dion is prepared to take "extraordinary measures" to boost the ranks of women candidates in the next election, including barring men from seeking nominations in some ridings.

During last year's leadership race, Dion promised that under his watch at least a third of the party's candidates in the next election would be women.

But campaign organizers have concluded that the ambitious goal will be impossible to reach without some intervention to secure nominations for female candidates.

So-called green-light committees, set up to run the party's nomination process in each province, have been empowered to ensure the 33 per cent target is met. Among other things, the committees can set dates for nomination meetings and approve or reject nomination papers from those seeking to carry the Liberal colours.

Where necessary, the committees will be able to simply refuse to allow men to run for nominations in some ridings.

"We're trying to find the techniques that are consistent with our democratic processes to the greatest extent possible," said Gerard Kennedy, Dion's special adviser on election readiness.

Local riding associations are being encouraged as much as possible to find women to seek nominations. But, with an election possible as early as next month, Kennedy said the party simply doesn't have the luxury of a lengthy recruitment drive.

Consequently, he said the party will have to use more drastic measures to ensure a sufficient number of women wind up on the Liberal election roster.

"We're still studying and discussing some of the techniques that we might use, such as women-only contests or what have you. But I think those measures will be somewhat exceptional," he said.

The leader retains the power to simply appoint women candidates, bypassing the nomination process altogether, but insiders say Dion wants to use that power sparingly, if at all. Appointments have in the past set off controversy, particularly from would-be candidates who frequently had spent months preparing to fight a contested nomination.

Dion's campaign strategists contend that declaring certain ridings off-limits to men at the outset will ultimately be fairer to all concerned. Still, they acknowledge that the measure is bound to be controversial.

"We're going to pay some price," Kennedy said. "We'd like it to be a relatively small price . . . but the price we're paying is because we didn't quite make as much success as we should have (recruiting women in the past) and everyone has come to the realization that we have to take extraordinary measures, that the Liberal party has to become a political organization that reflects the face of Canada."

In last winter's election, only 26 per cent of Liberal candidates were women, although women make up slightly more than half the Canadian population. The challenge of reaching 33 per cent next time is all the greater because Dion has promised to protect all incumbent MPs from nomination challenges.

Chew on that for a while. That whole thing makes me feel sick. I can't even put into words the level of dread that gives me. Sometimes it already feels like democracy is a fraud. Now people are trying to fix the system so the numbers fit some kind of quota.

I'd love for there to be more women in politics. But this isn't the way to do it. It would make me sick and angry if a guy who I knew would fight for my interests was prevented altogether from even running and the only alternative was a woman who I knew didn't care. And don't you just love the element of panic in that article? Damn those commercials from the Conservative party. All I can think is, We didn't get it done!

And here's something I don't get. They say they want the party to better reflect the face of Canada. Women make up over half of that face. But 33% of his members have to be women, and that's the figure he's sticking with? That doesn't make any sense if he was truly trying to make the party match the face of Canada. What is the real motive?

Man I hate politics. And I hate the direction this is going.

Lost in Spaces.

Ok, this is just weird. I never noticed this until today, and now I want to know the answer.

Ever since I could type, I was always told to put two spaces after the end of a sentence. I was never told exactly why, except, "It looks good on paper." They told me not to do it in braille, because braille took up more space on a page anyway, so having an extra space was just wasteful. But I was always told to put two spaces in in print. So I did. It became a habit. Steve was taught the same thing, and given just as much explanation, I think anyway.

Today, Steve was picking through his most recent post. For some reason, he'd had a super hard time getting it right. So he was scrutinizing it, letter by letter, and let out a shriek of "What the hell?" He had noticed that at the end of his sentences, there was only one space!

At first, we thought there were blogger demons afoot. We thought that someone at google had decided that there should *not* be two spaces, and was removing them automatically. This was annoying, since if they decided to think for us on that count, what was next?

Then I wondered if this was some kind of html standard. So I made a very small page with a few sentences on it, because I'm just that geeky, and holy crap, there was only one space after each sentence!

I'd noticed that in a few places,people only separated their sentences with one space, but I just thought they were weird, and sometimes sites where I'd see it were peppered with wonderful pearls of wisdom like Im so cule cuzz Ive got mad sk1llz. So I just thought they didn't know how to write, period.

This leads me to my question. When did the standard change, and how did I miss the memmo? If I put two spaces after my sentences when I write someone a letter or an email, would they look at what I write and go "Oh, my god, you are like sooo stuck in the early 90's!" and laugh at me? Or do they even notice? Is this one space thing happening because of the way things look on the screen? Does anybody know?

Now I look like a complete geek. But I'm a puzzled geek. I guess you miss stuff like that changing when you listen to your computer instead of reading the screen with your eyes.

I Don't Care What Anyone Says, People Really Do Listen To Me

I've been
saying for years that we should get rid of the penny,
and finally, hopefully, the idea is gaining some steam. All it took was for some group with a fancy name to
take my idea and not credit me
to make things happen, but hey, that's nothing new. That sort of thing comes with the territory when you're brilliant.

A Big Geek with a Strange Sense of Humour

Good lord. Leave it to my brother to find geeky but funny links. This one explains why, according to some kind of circuit theory, you should date multiple people at once. I love the way he linked to it. All he'd dare say is, "This link is interesting." Hmmm. I think he's afraid to say if he agrees or disagrees.

Glucometer Manufacturers can be Real Pricks!

I'm doing some research for a friend who is diabetic to help her find a talking glucometer, that thing that tests your sugar levels, and a thought dawned on me. This shouldn't be as hard as it is!

No, hear me out, I'm not just whining. This is a diabetes-control aid. Diabetes has the capacity to, among other things, take away someone's eyesight, and it's a common thing that happens. How many times do you hear, "She went blind due to Diabetes?" So why don't *all* meters have a talking option? It should be standard! I mean, already a lot of them realize that your fingertips are sensitive and allow for multiple testing sites. How come they don't realize that there may come a day when you lose your vision, and the last thing you'll want to do is have to get to know how to use a new meter, one of a rare few that talk? I'm not saying that all meters have to talk. Just make it so you can turn the talking on and off.

It's kind of like opening up a senior's home with lots and lots of stairs and no elevators. Sure, when someone gets there, they might be able to climb stairs. But you have to have things in place for the day when they may not be able to do it anymore, since lots of older people may, for various reasons, have trouble going up and down stairs.

It just makes no sense. Hopefully someone realizes this, or when the Diabetes problem spirals out of control, there are going to be a lot of angry blind people.
By the way, anyone know anything about the Prodigy meter?

Do Unto Yourself as the People in These Pictures are Doing Unto Each Other.

Here we go again with Telus in the news, only this time, I'm on their side.

Telus Mobility has decided to allow people to download porn on their cell phones for a fee. The porn that users can access has been checked to see if it meets federal and provincial standards, and only people who are 18 and over can get it, in theory anyway. Just wait until Little Johnny gets a hold of Mommy's cell phone, but that's another story.

Now, the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Vancouver has got his shorts in a twist over it. He's screaming that it's wrong and is urging people to cancel their contracts with Telus Mobility. Telus is receiving oodles of complaints over this, and the number is rising. Shareholders are calling the move disgusting.

Woe! Everybody! Stop the bus and look out the window! Most cell phones now have web-browsers built into them, right? Which means you can surf the net on your own, right? Which means, if you know what you're doing, you can find your own porn, and it might be far worse than anything Telus is offering!

And to those folks wanting to complain about even seeing the availability of porn on their cell phones, you don't have to accept the offer, do you? They could next offer you voicemail. Do you have to take that too? Nobody's shoving porn down your throat. If you don't want it, say no, leave it for people who want it, and shut up!

And a final message to the appalled shareholders. Where were you when Telus was actually doing something bad? Where were the screaming masses when Telus was censoring its internet so subscribers couldn't see what the company was up to? I don't recall hearing a peep. Man people are stupid.

We want your Savings Since We're Missing Our Souls.

Wow. I think it would be a miracle if these assholes could sleep at night. The sad thing is they probably can.

During their fund-raising campaignes, hosts on the Miracle Channel would strongly advocate that their viewers cash out their RRSP's and donate them to the station. Choice quotes like "There is somebody right now watching and God is speaking to them about RRSPs. They've got RRSPs and they've got a sizable amount and it's a security thing. Well, it's not a security thing; your security is in God. And God's speaking to you to cash those in. I dare you to do it." make my blood boil. Scammers and assholes, all of them. Anyone who has the sheer, unadulterated gall to ask for someone's life-savings should spend the rest of his life eating out of a dumpster. After all, he doesn't need money, food and ahome. He should give it to god. That is all.

Like a Kid in a Candy Shoppe!

This is going to be the weirdest post ever. On second thought, that's a tall order, writing the weirdest post ever. What would this post have to top to get that award? I'm not sure. That's a hard one. Would it have to beat the guy who burped in Steve's ear at the mall? Or maybe the guy who slapped Matt's ass at the hockey game? Or maybe you have your own ideas for the weirdest post. But this one's going to be a little weird and twisty and...hopefully not boring.

I discovered the coolest place ever. An online candy store! They're Canadian, they're cheap, and they have a zillion different kinds of candy from a bunch of different countries! Oh, and if you're Diabetic, there's a whole section for you. Their website could use a little work, so don't be frightened away by the spelling errors. They are a real store and they will ship the shit you order. I know, I've already received an order from them.

And here comes the weird part of the post. Long story time. Some people know that part of my hotmail address is froozle. I picked it back when I didn't think anyone would actually be emailing me there. I picked it back when, *gasp*, you could make free phone calls on MSN Messenger. As soon as I picked it, they started charging. Bastards! I'm always late to catch a train!

So anyway, someone was teasing me about this froozle hotmail account, and then started calling me other things, like froozy and frooze and such. So one day, just for shits and giggles, I typed frooze into google to see what would come up. Not much did, but one thing did come up, these candies called Frooze Pops.

I was intrigued. They were apparently some kind of jelly-filled lolllypop...or something made in China. The descriptions were so vague. I said one day I would try them, just to say I'd tried Frooze Pops.

I went in search of these things, and found a place in the states that would sell them to me. But the bastards wouldn't even tell me how much shipping would cost, and the order was going to be a lot of money. I wanted to try them, but not for that price. So I kept looking, and stumbled into the Candy Shoppe, and they had them!

I got my order, and tried a couple today, and they're weird! They're these little sticks with these big plastic caps on them. Tied to the stick is this tag, and who knows what it says. I'd love to know. Anyway, the candy isn't in the plastic cap on top, it's in the stick! You suck on it and this funky jelly comes out. Sometimes you're not sure if you're done until you've squeezed and squished the stick every which way. It's good, but it's weird! So now, I've tried Frooze Pops. That is no longer a mystery. And I've found the coolest candy store ever in the process!

Penny for Your Thoughts? How about 22000 of 'em?

I'm still laughing. I don't think this guy was expecting the response he got, but it's still funny.

Police mistake package of pennies for bomb

WILLIAMS LAKE, B.C. (Feb 12, 2007)

As protests go, it was a bomb.

It began when a disgruntled Williams Lake rancher dumped a package on the steps of his local provincial government offices and it was mistaken for a bomb
by local officials and the RCMP last Wednesday.

It turned out the mysterious cardboard box wrapped in plastic contained $220, or 37 kilograms in pennies -- his payment for four fines he received that
he wasn't too happy about.

The situation was taken seriously and the building was evacuated.

I'd just love to see this guy dropping that package off.

Another Survey

Well, here I go again. I just got emailed another survey, and thought maybe someone who reads here might be able to fill it out too.

The Adaptech Research Network is developing a scale that postsecondary students can use to grade their on-campus experience with adaptive technology and they need pilots. So if you're going to school, or graduated in the last two years and feel like helping them out, go here and fill it out. If you have any questions about the survey, their emails are on the page. You can even get a few bucks for it! Yea a few bucks! And you'll be helping a dude who I met 12 years ago. Ug! That was a long, long time ago.

Somewhere, There's a Code Monkey in Trouble

This is just a quick post to warn anyone who might have clicked on John Pinette's website in our links bar and thought about buying his stuff via PayPal that you shouldn't do it. I guess that address isn't being used anymore and you have to buy all his stuff through Amazon. Luckily for me, who already bought a CD via PayPal, they're shipping it out anyway. But they say the button should be coming off the site. But until it does, clicking on it is a definite nay nay.

What? A Legitimate Email Warning?

Yesterday, I got an email that made me shake my head and question reality. Had I fallen into a parallel universe? Was I still sleeping? If I was awake, had the world changed as I slept?

I got an email that told me I should read it immediately and let everyone know of its contents. It talked about kids inhaling compressed air or aerosols and dying from the effects. So I thought, "ug another hoax, time to load up snopes and debunk it. To my surprise and shock, when I got there, I found it was true! The guy was a little extreme about it, telling us to get the cans of Dust-Off, the substance that his son used to get high which eventually killed him, out of our homes, but I can understand him being a little over the top when he wrote this. I mean, he just lost his son!

Um wow. Someone sent me an email warning, and it actually was true, right down to the last detail. This guy's name, his son's name, his wife's profession, the name of their dog, everything was true! How often does that happen? That's just weird.

Oh...My...Lord!

this story
sounded so stupid when I first read it that I thought it couldn't possibly be true. So certain was I that Ananova had been taken for a ride that I went and did some looking around. In doing so I learned 2 things. Yes, these people really did change the name of the play to The Hoohaa Monologues because one person was offended by the word vagina, and yes, the world is in fact doomed.

Peter Peter Courgette Eater

Russian man divorces wife over pumpkin pie

I have nothing to say other than that the quote at the end of this story nearly made me spit water all over myself.

They'll Get a Brain Freeze before a Tuition Freeze

Ug protesters. That's all I can say when I read this story. When will students realize that yelling protest slogans, tacking signs on awnings and handing MPP's report cards with F's for accessibility and A's for student debt doesn't do anything in the long term? It gets momentary attention, but nothing happens. I may have to interject mid-story just to make fun of them. Off we go.

With lips turned blue from the cold and flushed pink faces, students chanted "What do we want? Tuition fee freeze! When do we want it? Now!" while marching down Gordon Street yesterday.

They waved burgundy signs reading "Reduce tuition fees."

Minutes earlier, about 150 University of Guelph students gathered at the University Centre to demonstrate as part of a National Day of Student Action, a nationwide protest involving thousands of students.

Several of the Guelph students grabbed coffee before they headed out to brave the cold, which hovered around -21 C with the wind chill.

The bitter winds had many returning to the warmth of the university building.

You really want those tuition freezes, eh? If you were serious, you would have worn your woolies.

Those who did make it downtown demonstrated outside MP Brenda Chamberlain's office. They were told by one of Chamberlain's staff that tuition isn't a federal issue.

Nice research job, fellas. Really shows you know the issue.

Students continued to chant outside her office for at least 30 minutes before they tacked a large sign that read "Reduce tuition fees" to the building's awning and moved on to Liberal MPP Liz Sandal's office.

Way to waste your time and theirs.

Sandals greeted the students outside her office and responded to their concerns by pointing out that the provincial Liberal government has put in place a five-year plan to invest $6.2 billion in post-secondary education to open up more spots for students and to provide grants to 120,000 students.

As a result, more students are opting to enter college and university, she said.

"We don't even have the resources," screamed student leader Becky Wallace. "Students are dropping out. It's not fair."

Sandals replied that there have always been students who have struggled to pay tuition.

"That's such a cop-out," a student yelled from the crowd.

Sandals added the Liberals have made more student grants available and increased financial assistance.

But the students wouldn't hear it, and handed the MPP a report card with an "F" for accessibility and funding, and an "A" for student debt.

Way to make an impact. If you want to be heard, at least return the favour! Otherwise, you'll get nowhere and you might as well piss into the wind.

Erika Wieler, 18, a first-year U of G student, said her tuition jumped this fall when a freeze was lifted.

She said she only has three-quarters of her savings left, which she's been putting away for university since she was 11.

"Now, I'm going to have to make as much money that I made in seven years in one year."

Yep, tuition sucks.

The average tuition for a Canadian university student in 2006-07 was $4,347, up 3.2 per cent from the previous year and almost triple the average of $1,464 in 1990-1991. Quebec students were at the bottom end of the scale, paying an average of $1,916, while Nova Scotia students paid the most -- $6,571.

The Canadian Federation of Students estimates the country's more than one million post-secondary students have debts totaling $20 billion, and the amount grows $1.5 million each day.

Chris Bentley, Ontario's Minister of Training, Colleges and Universities, pointed out the Liberals froze tuition early in their term. The freeze was lifted last fall. Tuition then rose as much as five per cent for undergraduates and as much as eight per cent for those in specialized programs.

The freeze couldn't be maintained, Bentley said.

"We would all like the cost of what we do to remain the same," he said. "What was good enough when I went to university is not good enough today. We need to keep up with the times."

When will people realize that if they want to effect change, they need to actually do some, well, long-term work. Yelling at MPP's just makes you look like a crackpot. Ug. Yeah tuitions are high. What needs to get cut is the administrative waste. If presidents and chancelors weren't making six-figure salaries, maybe we could put the money where it belonged. But all this screaming and yelling is such a waste of energy, and it makes them look stupid. It's so very sad.

What A Bunch Of Boobs

This is just ridiculous. The Breast Cancer Society of Canada has
rejected
a large donation from a group called Exotic Dancers for Cancer because some of their other donors don't support the charity having a connection to such a group.

I can't put into words how sad and pathetic it is that anyone would have the audacity to try to dictate to a charity who they can and can't take money from. Cancer is not a business, and you can't sponsor it like you can a hockey game or an episode of Lost. It isn't a case of whoever cuts the biggest cheqqe gets to make the decisions. There is no competition involved other than perhaps a friendly wager over who can raise the most money to support the fight against a horrible disease that affects people all over the world in numbers I can't even begin to fathom. And if you win that competition, you don't win the right to run things at the office. If you want that, start your own damn charity and leave the rest of us alone. So long as it was raised in a legal way, money is money no matter who it comes from.

I hope that the folks at the Breast Cancer Society grow a spine, sprout some good sense and tell these donors to suck on it even if it costs them some money in the short term. Yes, I said short term. Because once word gets out about what's going on, you can count on 2 things. That there will be more than enough private citizens to fill at least some of the gap, and that these so-called major donors will have a lot less of a problem with a bunch of strippers giving a few bucks to charity once the public relations nightmares start. Major donors tend to think in terms of dollars and cents, and once those dollars and cents stop flowing their way, it's amazing how quickly opinions change.

A B C D PHD

Well, here comes some more juice on our ten-year-old university students. It looks like their mom is at least behind the human rights complaint. After reading this one, I think I can hit everybody in this thing with the wierd stick. Here I go.

First let's hit the mother with the weird stick. She said she enrolled the kids in the course, but never explained why. Now she's holding a press conference. Do these kids need any more attention? I get the sense she's quite the media hound.

Now, time to hit a student from the campus newspaper with the weird stick for saying this case is a humiliation to other students because it's saying their courses are so easy that even a child could pass them. Are the egos of the U of O students so fragile that they can't handle the fact that their *might* be a brilliant kid out there who, by some fluke, made the entrance requirements? I'm not saying these two kids did, but I just find that argument weak.

The school gets a slap with the weird stick. Why not just refund their money? If they made a mistake, and these kids don't make the requirements, say you screwed up, give them their money back. If there's no missing money, there's really no room for a complaint.

And a final slight tap of the weird stick goes to our two little stars of the show. When asked if this experience had made them into activists, Sebastien said, "I can't answer that, I don't know what activism means."
Well then maybe you should go back and catch up on some of the grades you skipped.

I feel sorry for the poor little guys. I get the sense they're pawns in this whole game. But maybe there will be more stories on this. I still think it's weird.

Slippery Slope or Safe Path?

Have you ever read a story that makes sense and doesn't make sense all at the same time? I just read one. Brain injury experts are trying to say that people who go tobogganing should wear helmets!

What?

Yep, they say that they should wear helmets.

My first response was, jesus lord this is another step towards making the world so safe there's no fun. I've never heard of someone getting a brain injury or killing themselves on a toboggan. I've heard of the odd broken leg or something, but nothing catastrophic.

Then I read more, and they said that toboggans can get going at speeds of 35 km/h and if you hit something, the results can be pretty bad. And, if kids are supposed to wear helmets on bikes, why not toboggans since they have similar speed and no steering? Makes sense too!

Then they mentioned how many kids end up with toboggan-related brain injuries. 2000 per year! How come we never hear about them? That's so weird!

But here's where the other part of me starts screaming again. They say that injuries can be pretty serious if you toboggan down an ice-covered hill or one with a tree at the bottom. Well gee, if you're watching kids slide and you *choose* that as their toboggan hill, then you're pretty stupid and they're already doomed because they have you as a parent. I know whenever I wanted to go sliding, mom always looked at the hill and decided whether that hill was a good idea.

So I can't decide whether this story is stupid, sad, a good idea, or what. Any thoughts?

child prodigies?

Wow. While I was reading the paper, I came across this story.

Twins, 10, fight expulsion from University of Ottawa

OTTAWA (Jan 30, 2007)

Accusations of age discrimination are being lobbed at the University of Ottawa by 10-year-old twins who were registered in a course before being expelled in the fall.

Sebastien and Douglas Foster filed complaints with the Ontario Human Rights Commission on the basis of age discrimination after the school deregistered them from the Science in Society course they had been attending.

They say the university knew about their age, recognized their status, accepted their fees, issued student cards and allowed them to complete more than half the term before expelling them.

The university said the expulsions had nothing to do with age, but the fact the twins didn't have high school diplomas and were not in the process of obtaining them.

If what these kids say is true, I hope they win their case. Just goes to show the university is a business first. But I'm so confused. What made them go to university? Who urged them to take university classes, or was it their idea? If so, why? Who paid their fees? What was the last grade they completed before skipping straight to university? What took the university so long to notice them? This is just weird.

I Did What?

For the benefit of those of you using screen readers, here's a small tip about new blogger. When you visit a blog that's using the new version, you might see something in the top frame that leads you to believe that you have somehow reported the site to Blogger's administrators for deletion. You haven't. Even though you'll see a line that says "you flagged this blog as having objectionable content," you did no such thing and we don't hate you. Why it looks that way for us I couldn't say, but just be aware that you did nothing wrong.

Yeah baby we...um, er, got it?

I think, er, we, er, switched! After a bit of nashing of teeth, I think we came out unscathed. Hope and pray. I guess this will tell me.

Fasten Your Seatbelts, It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride.

Well...it looks like we're going to have to switch blogger interfaces. I've heard that blogger has started twisting people's arms to switch, and I knew that was coming. So I figure instead of being forced to do it, we'll just bite the bullet, do it and hopefully minimize the bullshit that may happen. So, the next little while could be ugly, so brace yourselves for the fun that may follow. Off we go, into the wild new blogger. Har har.

Grumpy Old Men

Wow. This story is just weird. I love the Guelph Mercury.

Police in Sudbury have charged a nursing home resident with second-degree murder in the beating death of his roommate last week.

Bryan Belliveau, 55, has been in custody since he was arrested Wednesday after Keith Croteau, 59, was beaten during an argument over the volume of Croteau's television set.

Belliveau was originally charged with assault causing bodily harm, but the charge was upgraded after a post-mortem examination confirmed Croteau died Thursday of head injuries.

Ok, first off, it has gotta suck to be in a nursing home at 55 and 59. That, right there, could cause some rage. But gees, in the case of the guy who pounded on the other guy, he can't be in the nursing home because he's frail. And he can't be senile or anything if police are holding him. So I'm so confused. Why is he there? And to beat someone over the TV? Man! Get some earplugs or something! The weirdness continues.

Gimme One More Shot

Well holy shit it's my birthday! I wasn't even going to mention it, I was just going to let it slip by, because I'm not one to brag and stuff, and I'm starting to turn into my mom, not wanting to bring up my own birthday. I used to always look at her like she was out of her tree. "What's wrong with a birthday? You should yell it from the rooftops! We have parties, why not you?" She'd just flinch and say, "No! No crazy stuff!" I like doing stuff to celebrate, but I'm not going to run around telling people it's my birthday! But for some reason, today, I want to.

It's only 8 in the morning, and already it's a pretty cool day. Steve gave me my gift, the Lewis Black book, and Lewis Black even reads it. How cool is that? Yea bus-reading material! Nothing makes an eight-hour bus-ride cooler than listening to Lewis Black wig out. And even if he doesn't wig out and make that sound that sounds like the inside of his head is going to shake loose and fly out through his flapping lips, he's damn funny.

Then I got an email from mom and dad. I thought I got a card from my Grandma, but dad tells me no, it must be someone else's card. Woohoo! Other people are sending me cards! Sweetness! Now that I've gotten all buzzed up about it, it'll be a piece of junkmail.

Then the email gets better. Dad says there's a parcel coming from them and I get to guess what it is! Hmm! Mystery gifts! The excitement continues! Parcels usually come about this time, so I'm completely ready to jump out of my chair if the buzzer goes off. Man I shouldn't have had tea. I have way too much energy.

Then dad gets all sappy. Sometimes my parents annoy the living hell out of me, but sometimes I just want to hug them until I can't hug them anymore. Dad has the power to write words that make me melt, especially since he doesn't like showing that he's a giant sap. Ah, mom and dad! I really really really need to write them that big letter that tells them how much I appreciate them, even though sometimes I'm pretty lousy at showing it.

And yesterday made me realize that fact even more. I just found out that another classmate mysteriously died, this one of Pneumonia. He was 27. Who the hell dies of pneumonia at age 27? That's scary! He's the second guy around my age to die mysteriously during the last year. Another guy, who was 29, died and we had no idea for months. What the hell? So I'm just grateful to see another birthday. You never know when your number's up. Isn't that a depressing thought on your birthday?

But one thing all this scary death does is make you count your blessings. I'm healthy, excuse me while I sap out, but I have Steve who's the best I could ask for, my family is healthy, Steve's family stuff is settling down and looking positive, we have a nice home, I'm going to get a dog, I *will* find a job somehow, and until then, I'm by no means starving or struggling. Life is beautiful! Let me have a whole lot more!

What a Realistic Likeness!

Wow. Talk about driving the point home with symbolism. At Kennesaw State University, a sculpture was unveiled showing Earth, and featured a statue of environmentalist David Brower. Three months later, it collapsed, and, clearly visible in the rubble was an engraving that said "our fragile craft." Creepy! Officials blame water damage and inadequate adhesives, but I don't know what to think. All I can think is, how fitting.

Random Thoughts Ahoy!

I've been meaning to write this post for the last two days, and I haven't done it. Don't i suck? It has no real focus, just another random hodgepodge of things that have been passing through my head. I don't know whether people are bored when I do those or not. Sometimes I wonder. Hope not. In any case, off we go.

Well, I guess we got our winter. Fffff Brrrr! It's cold out there! I went out yesterday and the wind tried to steal my breath. The seasons are so weird now. We get a little bit of hot, a little bit of cold, and a lot of the middle. It's so weird.

For some reason, I got thinking about words, and two expressions popped into my head. Did you ever think it's weird when people say, "I haven't heard boo about that," or "He was very quiet. He never said boo." Do people walk around saying boo all the time? Where did that come from?

Or, people say, "Mum's the word on that." Well, in trying to make sure I had the spelling correct on that one, I got an answer! And you know what? It makes sense! It means seal your lips, so the only sound that can come out is mmm or mum. Apparently it came from Shakespeare. Cool! Ya learn something new every day!

For some odd reason, the other day I got thinking about the long trip from home to Grandma's, and how we pass through an area of small towns starting at about Griffith where you can get no radio reception, I guess because it's so rocky. No cell phone, no radio, nothing. This made me wonder what the people in those towns do for information. I mean, the radio is where you can get local news, news about bus cancelations, all that stuff, and they can't get radio. How do they get their little small town news? I'm sure they have a newspaper, but sometimes you need more timely updates than that. I mean, how many people get the weather from the radio in the morning before they go to work?

I saw something yesterday that shook me to the core and proved, no, bashed the point home, that we humans are stupid! S t u p i d! There was this documentary on about market research and such. Just to prove a point that people can be manipulated into agreeing with anything if you just ask the right questions, they made up some fake questions to ask random people in New York. Do you wanna know what they were? They claimed that Nolton Nash was a woman who wore flashy clothing and used offensive language on TV, and asked their opinions on this TV personality. Without hesitation, these people tried to sound like learned folk who knew everything about this Nolton Nash woman, and either liked her or disliked her, thought she was awesome, beautiful or offensive. Newsflash, everybody. You're all stupid! Nolton Nash is an old man! The best was when they asked them what they thought of her cohost, John Kastner, and whether *she* was beautiful. Without missing a beat, people said, yeah well she's ok. She? John? I know that names are getting unisex these days, but a woman named John? I don't think so! At first I thought maybe he had said Joan, but no,it was in fact John.

Later, they made up a politician and asked people's opinions on him. Again, people had strong opinions about this fictitious character. I would hope that, if I got asked questions about someone who I didn't recognize, I'd say "Gee I can't give an opinion, I've never heard of him. I'll have to google him." or something. I wouldn't just spout off about him hoping to be right. Is that what it is? People want to be right even if they know nothing?

Even scarier was when they had people drinking coke spiked with tobasco sauce or cake that had cayenne pepper in it and they still said it was mm mmm goood! What is wrong with people? Do they just want to please the people running the survey? Do they truly have no opinion, so agreeing seems like the safest choice? Ug! We'll be zombies soon. Save me!

I don't know why this commercial bugs me so much, but it does. Any guys who read this are now probably going to run for cover with my next words. I see this commercial for this kind of sanitary pad that's supposed to have a wipe packaged with each pad, so you can clean yourself every time you change it. Ok, why do we need more garbage? Does everybody need to sanitize themselves that much every time they change them? If you feel that nasty that you just need to be clean, have a shower! Ug. I worry a little more every time I hear something else that says, "And when you're done, just throw it away!" Why are we making more things to throw away in a time when we're supposed to be making less garbage? Pads are already getting thrown away. Why attach another disposable thing to them? Plus, I wonder what kind of chemicals are in those wipe things. That freaks me out on its own.

And here's something I meant to write about for a while. On one of the world junior hockey games, as background music, Steve heard this song! Matt, run away, run away quickly. What is this song? Where is it from? Karine, are you still reading? You might know, because the game was in Sweden, I think. So what is it? I really really really wanna know! I can't very well type dagga dagga doodoo into google and get a result.

Sometimes there are hidden advantages to not having a party you planned to have. Like, Christmas lasts a hell of a lot longer! Usually, when we have our little New Year's dealy, we exchange gifts. So since we didn't have that, we're sending our gifts in the mail and our friends are mailing us stuff. I feel like a bit of a loser that just yesterday, I sent out gifts to a couple people. We had the stuff, I just hadn't gone to mail it yet. But I felt like much less of a slow poke because I just got a package from one of them today. Way cool! Much love to packages!

Screech...Put put, sputter sputter. I think this train has chugged to a stop. Hope it was fun.

Eeewwwww! Having Sex with a Consenting Adult! How Repugnant!

I know there are some ugly things in this story, but there are some beautiful things too. This is one of those times when you see people get what's coming to them.

This whole series of events is just twisted, so I'll have to lay the whole thing out. First off, 29-year-old Neil Havens Rodreick II shaved off all his body hair, used make-up to cover his stubble, and disguised himself as a 12-year-old boy. He's apparently a sex offender and did this to get close to children, which is sick. Apparently, he kept getting enrolled in schools across Arizona with the help of a couple other pedophiles who posed as relatives. But here's where it gets funny. They weren't willing accomplices in his plot to get closer to little boys and girls. *They* were some of the ones who got scammed!

After meeting him on the net and thinking he was a teenager, , 61-year-old Lonnie Stiffler and 43-year-old Robert James Snow took him in to live with them. They also had sex with him. Then, their world came crashing down when Rodreich decided it was time to go to a new school, they tried to enroll him, the school figured out Rodreick's birth certificate info was fony, called in the Yavapai County police, and they had to break it to these men that they were actually screwing a consenting adult male! Apparently this upset Stiffler considerably.

Now, our dear old dirty old men are slapped with a whole slew of charges, including attempted child molestation and attempted sexual contact with a minor, because they really believed that Rodreich was a little boy. They, Rodreich, and another man who was found in the home when they came to scoop up Rodreich for his little game of let's pretend and the assault of a girl, are charged with conspiracy to commit fraud and conspiracy to commit forgery. Snow and this new man are also charged with failing to register as sex offenders. What? Another one? They might as well call this house pedo place. Rodreich himself is charged with misdemeanor assault, conspiracy to commit fraud, conspiracy to commit forgery, failing to register as a sex offender, and possession of a forgery device.

All I can say is, hahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahaha! Justice is beautiful sometimes!

And the Survey Says...

It's official. I need to stop bitching about the things people do or say because of the whole blindness thing. I just got proof in my inbox that people get asked far worse things than I ever have. Here are the 10 worst questions people have asked, in someone's humble opinion. I don't know who originally wrote this, and I don't agree with all of them, but I still thought it was funny. So here goes.

10. Are your eyes real or plastic?

I've never been asked that one, probably because my eyes are supposedly constantly doing the jitterbug. Some have said it's not so bad, but little kids, the most honest judges, always comment on the jiggly eyes. One kid actually asked me, "Did you cross your eyes too long once and they got stuck?" As the babysitter stammered and stuttered apologies, I laughed, and laughed, and laughed!

9. Did you get past first grade?

Um, the gall. The closest I've gotten is "Where do you work, or...do you work?" Or there's always the time that woman called me a waste.

8. Do you want me to cut your meat? I meahn, can you tell your silverware apart?

Ok, I've had the first part of that, when it's like some kind of thick steak or something, and I can understand where they're coming from. Sometimes I've taken them up on having them help me get the food at some kind of buffet or something or if it's all weird and hard to cut. I have never ever been asked if I can tell my silverware apart though.

7. Who helped you with your clothes? They match so beautifully.

I can't even get mad about that one, except maybe they should have worded it like "How do you match your clothes so well?" Hell, if I could see and I saw a blind person walking around with perfectly colour-coordinated clothes, I'd be like how the hell do they do it? I'd just wanna know. Kinda like I'm curious about the medium in which deaf people think. I know that sounds dumb. But when I think, I hear a little voice in my head. So how do they think? In sign? Probably, but I've never had the chance to ask a deaf person.

6. Is it really true blind people have families?

Wow! Where do they think we came from? Or do they think that as soon as the parents realize that their kid can't see, they pawn them off on some orphanage? I get the opposite. People are astonished that my parents live five hours away and I do stuff all on my own. They just assume the reason I live here is because I have family here. When they find out I'm here because I went to university, they're all flabbergasted.

5. Goodness you're amazing. Did you actually pour your milk?

Um yeah I had that. Once I was helping out and pouring these drinks called mocktails, like non-alcoholic mixed drinks, and the place where I was helping out was all unsure about how I was going to work in their office. When they saw me pouring cans of juice into the jug, they're like "Wow! You can actually do that yourself! Maybe there's a chance!" Um ok?

4. When you walk, do you put one foot in front of the other?

I don't usually get that one, I get, "When you walk, do you count steps?" Or they assume that I do count steps and tell other people off who try to talk to me. "Don't break her concentration!" they say. Or, they'll assume that because my eyes don't work, neither do my legs.

3. Should I help you in the bathroom stall?

Wow. I only get, "Will you be able to find everything in there ok?" But never phrased that way. I did get, "How will you navigate to the bathroom?" whenI was going to be taking this class for a month. I just looked at her and said, "Well, you are giving tours, I assume? So will you give me one too?" Then she was just speechless.

2. Were you born that way? You know blind?

I have 0 problem with that one. Never having vision and having it and then losing it are two whole different ballgames. That's a decent question!

1. Are you really blind? You sure can't tell it. I mean, you sure know your way around your house.

Um wow. If all the other blinks these people ever met couldn't even get around their own houses, they're a pretty sad sample. Oy yoy yoy. And the only time I had someone swear I wasn't really blind,I was 6 and he was 7, and he just didn't think it was possible. He kept waiting for me to slip up.

That was fun. Some of them must have come from a different time or something. I can't even imagine getting asked some of those questions. But maybe tomorrow, I'll go somewhere and get surprised. You never know.

Give Me A Hand

I can't decide what the weirdest part of
this story
is. Is it that this guy stole a dead person's hand and gave it to a stripper he met somewhere? Is it that this woman seemingly appreciated the gift? Or is it that nobody bothered to mention why this happened?

Welcome to Throwbackville

I've been wanting to write this post since yesterday, but every time I think about it, words fail me. The only words that come to mind are "wow!" and "gees!" But I know those words do not a blog post make. So here I go, trying again.

Ok, how can I jumpstart this thing? How about some background. Well, I saw on the news that the tiny town of Herouxville, Quebec, is making quite a bit of news with a piece of literature drafted up by the mayer and city council. Apparently, they wanted to make sure that any new immigrants knew the standards of their new town before they decided to move to it. funnily enough, they never mentioned in this getting to know you guide that the town was made up of 1300 people, mostly French, white and catholic, except for one immigrant family. That poor immigrant family.

What they did mention, well, sounds like a joke. But no one is joking. Here are some choice pieces.

Our Women

We consider that men and women are of the same value. Having said this, we consider that a woman can; drive a car, vote, sign checks, dance, decide for herself, speak her peace, dress as she sees fit respecting of course the democratic decency, walk alone in public places, study, have a job, have her own belongings and anything else that a man can do. These are our standards and our way of life.

However, we consider that killing women in public beatings, or burning them alive are not part of our standards of life.

Lots of news articles say that they make clear that stoning to death, circumcisions and burning of women with acid are also strictly prohibited. But I don't see that in the nice pdf of the standards thatI was lucky to stumble across. Either it was sanitized after the newspeople were all over it, or those references were removed when it was converted to English. But the point is the same. These people actually thought it necessary to inform immigrants that these things are not allowed. I guess it's possible to meet an immigrant who moved from a place where this was done all the time and thought this was the way of the world, but I think it's rare. I also think it was interesting that women got a passage, and so did children, I didn't include that one because it wasn't nearly as bad as these others, but men did not get a passage. Are these people to assume there are no men here? But anyway, let's get back to the words of the townsfolk.

Our Festivities

We listen to music, we drink alcoholic beverages in public or private places, we dance and at the end of every year we decorate a tree with balls and tinsel and some lights. This is normally called “Christmas Decorations” or also “Christmas Tree” letting us rejoice in the notion of our national heritage and not necessarily a religious holiday. These festivities are authorized in public, schools, and institutions and also in private.

Ok, how big of a rock do they think these new arrivals live under? I think it is this town who has been living under a rock. People from other places than "the west" are quite aware of "western" customs because they have been seeping in everywhere. Ug. Let's get back to the bigotry.

Our Health Care

In our old folks homes men and women are treated by responsible men and women. Please note that there is no law voted democratically that prohibits a woman treating a man and a man treating a woman. In our hospitals and CLSC’s woman doctors can treat men and women and the same for the men doctors. This same principle applies for nurses, firemen and women, ambulance technicians. These responsible people do not have to ask permission to perform blood transfusions or any task needed to save a life. For the last few years men have been allowed into the delivery room to assist in the birth of their baby. They have been with their wives to prenatal courses to help them in this task. In the said establishments the patients are offered traditional meals. There is often music playing in the background. There are magazines or news papers available and any other form of multimedia that shows our community spirit and our way of life.

So no mention of health cards? No mention of universal health care? No mention of getting a family doctor and how to get one? That all isn't mentioned, but we must insist that men can treat women and women can treat men. and "old folks homes?" Who in christ calls retirement homes old folks homes with any kind of seriousness anymore? and I don't know about you, but I'd be wondering what a CLSC was before all this other stuff. Yep, this was really designed to educate the newcomers. Sure, boss. Moving right along...

Our Education

In our schools certified men and women teach our children. The women or men teachers can teach boys or girls with no sexual discrimination. They do not have to dress any different to accomplish their tasks. In our schools the children cannot carry any weapons real or fake, symbolic or not. The children can sing, play sports or play in groups. To promote decency and to avoid all discrimination some schools have adopted a dress code that they strongly enforce. For the last few years to draw away from religious influences or orientation no locale is made available for prayer or any other form of incantation. Moreover, in many of our schools no prayer is allowed. We teach more science and less religion. In our scholastic establishments, be private or public, generally, at the end of the year you will possibly see “Christmas Decorations” or “Christmas Trees” The children might also sing “Christmas Carols” if they want to. Many of our schools have cafeterias that serve traditional foods. Students may decide to eat elsewhere. The history of Quebec is taught in our schools. Biology lessons are also given.

With regards to the talk of fake weapons, hey chief, nice reference to the ruling allowing ceremonial daggers at school. and I notice only Quebec history, biology, and briefly, other science, are said to be taught. I find it odd that there is no mention of French, math, art, music, or any other subject that *would* be taught in school. This is certainly and obviously not a comprehensive guide to newcomers by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I get the distinct sense it is aimed at one, and only one, group. You will see, if you just follow me a little further.

Our Sports & Leisure

For the longest time boys and girls have played the same games and often play together. For example, if you came to my place we would send the kids to swim together in the pool, don’t be surprised this is normal for us. You would see men and women skiing together on the same hill at the same time, don’t be surprised this is normal for us. You would also see men and women playing hockey together, don’t be surprised this is normal for us. In our public swimming pools we have men and women lifeguards for our security to protect us from drowning, don’t be surprised this is normal for us. All the laws adopted that permit these phenomenons have followed a strict democratic process. You would appreciate this new life style and share our habits & customs.

Hello there, Captain Repetition. Is everything followed by, "Don't be surprised this is normal for us?" I think I get the point. And nice insistance that they enjoy our customs and tradditions. I picture someone saying, "Have fun, god damn it! I am ordering you to start having fun right now!" I know that particular little gem is probably an artifact of bad translation, but it's kind of ironic that it fits with the general tone that basically says assimilate or leave, you filthy Muslims. Woops, the cat is out of the bag. I think it's aimed at Muslims, and based on horridly out of date stereotypes and myths. I really don't know what to say, more than, Ug. Next snippet.

Our Security

Our immense territory is patrolled by police men and women of the “Surete du Quebec”. They have always been allowed to question or to advise or lecture or to give out an infraction ticket to either a man or woman. You may not hide your face as to be able to identify you while you are in public. The only time you may mask or cover your face is during Halloween, this is a religious traditional custom at the end of October celebrating all Saints Day, where children dress up and go door to door begging for candy and treats. All of us accept to have our picture taken and printed on our driver’s permit, health care card and passports. A result of democracy.

I love the unflattering description of Halloween. Um wow. And another slap at Muslims. And, I don't know what having picture ID is a result of, but I can't make the leap that it is the result of democracy. I believe dictatorships *make* their citizens carry ID cards and soldiers often ask for them. The result of democracy. Allrighty. Now here comes some interesting fun.

Our Work Place

The employers must respect the governmental laws regarding work conditions. These laws include holidays known and accepted in advance by all employees. These work conditions are negotiated democratically and once accepted both parties respect them. No law or work condition imposes the employer to supply a place of prayer or the time during the working day for this activity. You will also see men and women working side by side. We wear safety helmets on worksites, when required by law.

I'm amaized that that wasn't covered with instances of "don't be surprised this is normal for us." It seems like that would fit there. And again, no references to people having the right to a safe work environment, or unionized versus non-unionized workplaces. Oh no no no, the most important things to know are don't pray at work, men and women work together, we sometimes wear helmets, so suck it up, and you get Christmas off, and not your own holidays, whether you like it or not, you filthy Muslims! Right. Uh-huh. Sounds to me more like they want to keep them away. Let's see what other gems I can pull from this thing

Our Business

Our businesses are governed by municipal, provincial and federal laws. In our businesses men and women work together and serve the clientele whether they be man or woman. The products sold by these businesses can be of any kind. Food products for example must be approved by different governmental agencies before being offered to the general public. You might see in the same store several different types of meat, eg. Beef , chicken, pork and lamb. Other stores offer their clientele a place and equipment to exercise. These places have windows that their clientele can look outside while exercising and are composed of men and women dressed in clothing appropriate for exercising.

I don't think the newcomer is going to need to know about windows in a gym right away. I don't think they'll care. They'll have bigger things to worry about, like, oh, say, settling in a whole new country! And again, I think they're ready to see all manner of food in a store together. I'm sure they've heard of that before. Did that section really give them any useful info at all? Can you see one shred? I can't. Only two more sections to go. I'm getting tired. So much bullshit is sapping me.

Our Families

You will appreciate that both parents manage the children needs and both have the same authority. The parents can be of the same race or not, be from the same country or not, have the same religion or not, even be of the same sex or not. If a boy or girl wants to get married, they may, they have the liberty to chose who their spouse will be. The democratic process is applied to ensure each and everyone’s liberty to choose. In our families, the boys and girls eat together at the same table and eat the same food. They can eat any type of meat, vegetables or fruit. They don’t eat just meat or just vegetables they can eat both at the same time and this throughout the whole year. If our children eat meat for example, they don’t need to know where it came from or who killed it.Our people eat to nourish the body not the soul.

Aww, come on, no reference to prohibition of a herem? I'm amazed! Disappointed even! I was hoping they'd be predictable. And nice imperative at the beginning to appreciate our customs. And that whole part about food sounds eerily like someone who's trying to tell their child who's a picky eater that really, your meat can touch your corn and you won't die. Like gees. And what the fuck department, help me out on that last sentence. I need you. I think the translator is getting about as exhausted as I am. Look at the rising number of errors. Last! Section!

Other

You might still see crosses that tell our past. They are an integrated part of our history and patrimony and should be considered as such.

*That* needed its own section? Come on now, anything would have been more important than that. I guess I lied, there is one last section, the conclusion.

To publish all the laws and standards of Municipalité Hérouxville would be a tedious task. The standards published above are just a sample so the new arrivals to this territory can clearly identify with us before making their decision to move here. Certainly, being the elected members, we would give the new arrivals the assurance that the conditions that they have fled from in their country would not happen again here in our territory.. Consequently, the peace of mind that we live with will always be. It must be very clear that any person or persons, groups legal or not that would like to modify our habits and customs or our general way of life cannot do so without going through a referendum process following all laws put forward by our towns and municipalities. These referendums will be at the petitioner or petitioner’s cost.

Signed jointly by the mayor and 6 city counselors of Hérouxville, all democratically elected.

We have reached the end, and it is good to the last drop, isn't it? If this is a sample of the laws, then pick a better sample! Pick some things with some more relevance, why don't ya? And who says everyone immigrating is fleeing horrid conditions? And nice final reference to democratic law and how it isn't changing...ah hell, they should just say it's not changing for you, you filthy Muslims! And then these pricks don't even have the balls to sign it with their names. They're just some kind of mysterious authority figures floating around.

I wasn't going to put so much of it up, but it was so laiden with disgusting levels of closed-mindedness that I just had to rip it apart. If you want to read it, including the two sections I left out and without my intermittent rippings, or you don't believe that such a document exists, you can find the PDF here. If you can't do PDF's, feel free to email me and I'll send you a nnice text version.

What I find especially ironic about this is it is written by a predominantly French town. One would assume, then, that they wouldn't much like to be told that they must assimilate into English Canadian culture because they are, after all, living in a province surrounded by English Canadians. Even if you put aside the language issue, because in the document, they did say they didn't care what language people spoke, I don't think they would be a fan of dropping everything else they hold dear and isn't English. I don't think they would much like being told what songs they could sing, what celebrations they could have, whether or not they could be Catholic. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the town would be predominantly separatist. I know the higher the concentration of French-speakers, the more separatist an area is. So, if they are for separatism, then they are very much anti-assimilation. In fact, wouldn't you say they are trying to recreate their country of ancestry? And one final thing. I think there would be a revolt if an English politician said that If they have such a problem with the erosion of French culture, why don't they just move to France?

I guess I shouldn't be so angry with this town. They're doing all newcomers a service in urging them to stay far, far away. It would be better for both the seemingly closed-minded townspeople and the poor, unfortunate newcomers.

And if you're wondering why I chose not to put accents on the e's in the name of their town and province whenever I referred to them, it is because the English language views squiggly lines as only belonging in music sheets and colouring books. They have no place among alphabetic characters. Doesn't that sound ridiculous?