If The Shoe Fits, Hand It over

Gabe Fidanque owns Wagon Wheel Liquors, a liquor store in an area of Durango with a lot of foot traffic. He had a lot of shoplifters, and would call the police and have them arrested. But the same people would come back hours later and try again. Then he started a new punishment. He would give them a choice. He could call the police or the shoplifter could give Fidanque one of his shoes. He has a few shoes to show for it, and the shoplifting problem has gotten a lot less. But now the police are telling him to stop that because by intimidating them into giving up a shoe, it's equivalent to felony robbery.

I'm so torn. There's a small part of me that knows what the police are going for. If Fidanque takes shoes, the next guy could be asking for money. I guess it sets a dangerous precedent.

But...it's a shoe! What is Fidanque going to do with an odd conglomoration of mismatched shoes? They're of no value to him, except for the fact that every offender who gives up a shoe walks out of there humiliated, and probably will think twice about stealing booze from him again. Better still, they'll spread the news to their other friends that trying to get some free booze from him just isn't worth the trouble. It seems to be a far better deterrent than going through the justice system, and it's far more effective than the anti-shoplifting policies of Home Depot or Target.

Now the police have advised him to stop and are asking him to give back the shoes. He doubts any of the guys caught will have the guts to come back and reclaim their missing shoe. Plus, he has to come up with another system that works as well. I hope he can. I would hate to see his past problems return.

You're Hot, For A Crazy Person

Ok, so Sheila LaBarre sounds like she's pretty nuts, but so does this part of the story.

Stephen Martello of Manchester testified he picked up LaBarre alongside Interstate 293 in Manchester early on March 28, 2006. LaBarre told him her car had broken down after getting into a fight with her boyfriend and she needed to get to Dorchester, Mass., to meet with an attorney, Martello said.

Martello said the way LaBarre was clutching her purse and her overall strange behavior prompted him to call the Manchester police to ask whether they were looking for a robbery suspect or a woman who had escaped from prison or a mental hospital.

Hearing from police they weren't looking for anyone, Martello took LaBarre to a hotel, where they had sex.

What the? I can understand giving her a ride somewhere, but why would you want to screw someone who you thought of as a robber or an escaped prisoner? He's lucky he's not dead too.

Brings New Meaning To Trouser Snake, Doesn't It?

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch! I'm not a guy, but I can imagine getting bit on the end of your penis by a venomous snake can't be pleasant. Oh ow ooo eee! The guy's just lucky that somehow the snake didn't fill him with venom, so he's alive to remember the painful incident. I doubt he'll take a roadside leak ever again.

Too Smart for Her Own Good

This is so stupid, it's beyond stupid. Anjali Datta is very smart. She's so smart that she made it through high school in only 3 years. But she can't be valedictorian, and therefore cannot have access to the college scholarship given to the valedictorian because policy strictly states that only students who have done high school in four years are eligible. So a guy whose GPA is considerably lower by comparison is getting it just because he has the highest average of those who did high school in four years.

How stupid. I know that policy is in place so people can't come in from out of state at the last minute, have an awesome grade that year and then take the scholarship from someone who was there all along, but this case is different. She was there the whole time. It especially hurts because she asked if graduating early would have affectedher status, and a guidance counselor said no.

What really sucks is what the family of the teen who won the scholarship said. It was in this article, but the damn site is trying to force me to register for the paper and not showing me the article. If it works for you, awesome. Basically the family said the other kid obviously deserved it, but this was the right solution. Uh, how about leaving it at the fact that the other kid deserved it. The only reason they're saying it was the right solution is because their son is winning it instead of her. If the shoe was on the other foot, they'd have been screaming blue murder about it.

Hopefully the school district comes to its senses and amends the policy. Otherwise, like Anjali Datta says, nobody will want to try as hard as they can because they might do too well.

Throw This Lawsuit In The Furnace

Patsy Hamaker, a stripper, is suing her employer, The Furnace club. Why? Because part of her job includes getting customers to buy her drinks, and the club let her drive home drunk, which led to her having a crash.

Uh, how about no? If she knew she was too drunk to drive, then she should have taken a damn cab. It's nobody's fault but her own that she smashed up her car and got hurt. We're just lucky nobody got hurt along with her. I'm sure she was making good money as a stripper. She could have afforded a cab. Hopefully the judge will agree.

Late-Breaking Nudes

How would you like to wake up to a naked, wet man breaking into your apartment through the balcony? Some poor soul in Ann Arbor did. The weirdest part was the guy just ran out the front door and didn't confront the people in the apartment, and he couldn't explain how he got that high up from the outside. He's now going through a psychiatric evaluation. I'm betting he was having a little fun with a woman...until her husband got home. Then he just had to get out, and fast. Or maybe he's a lune. Who knows?

Both Sides Of Your Mouth Need A Dictionary

This gets quote of the day honours without question.

Members of Toronto's Chinese Canadian National Council are upset about a new booklet produced by local government that is intended to help small business owners in the area better understand Chinese employees they may interview or hire.

I haven't seen enough of what's gotten them upset to comment on that aspect of things, so instead I'll point out the fantastic doublespeak response offered by Leslie Walker, CEO of the Richmond Hill Chamber of Commerce.

"I wouldn't call it a stereotype, I would call it a generalization. But if you read the book, you'll understand it's not meant to hurt, it's meant to help, any of the generalizations are not negative," says the executive of unknown (to me anyway since Leslie can be either one) gender.

Awesome.

And just in case any of you need the reason this is so funny explained to you, go
here
and
here.

The article this greatness was pulled from can be found
here.

Dancing To The Beat Of A Different Drum And Talking To The Hand

Have you ever thought to yourself "gee, I'd love to dance a jig, but I have no music. If only I could dance and create my own music!" No? Didn't think so. But somebody did, and is working on a pacer suit! Apparently, as you dance, it generates the music, which might only play in the suit or could be transmitted wirelessly to a sound system.

Uh, why? Usually, when I want to dance, there is already music playing. If there isn't, why would I want to dance? And I would think you'd have to be a damn good dancer, because the musical rhythm is set by your dancing. It makes me wonder if it would sound like the music generated by my talking pedometer, which I have managed to get to work, although it's not counting very accurately. But anyway. The music changes speed and rhythm depending on how fast you're walking. So if you suck at dancing, I can't even imagine what tune you'd be dancing to.

The fellow who is working on that wonder of wonders also has created a...glove phone! A what? All it says is it's a cellphone embedded into the palm of a glove. Uh, why? I personally like to put my cellphone away when I'm done with it, and I don't like to call home when I put my hand on something. Plus, I think people would think I was crazy if I was talking to my hand. "No no, that's not the voices in my head, it's my cellphone! See? It's in this glove here! No, you don't have to call the men in white coats."

I'm trying to figure out why Nikola Knezevic, the one who dreamed up both these oddities, thought they were splendid ideas. He's a strange, strange man.

29 May, Thu, 15:51:23
Google:
baby for sale couple,vancouver, deserves another chance

They do? Why? What's to be gained by leaving a child in the care of people this stupid, other than making sure that social workers and probation officers have something to do for the next several years if the kid makes it that far?

Here's just a small example of the type of people that you, nameless searching person, want to leave this poor kid with.

Jeremy Pete, the baby's father, told CBC News on Wednesday that he posted the ad, but it was just a joke. He said he wrote the ad after kidding around with a friend, but did not think it would actually be posted online.

Um...duh. Where did he think it would go when he hit the post button and confirmed everything? The only way I'm buying this story is if he emailed it to his buddy who then sold him down the river and put it up on his behalf. If that's the case I'll gladly admit I'm wrong, but until then the only person who deserves a second chance is the baby, and the biggest tragedy in all of this is that it
doesn't look as though mom and dad are going to be charged with anything.

Colour Me Shocked

I'm not quite as surprised as I would be if this happened anywhere else since Japan's drug laws are the way they are, but I still didn't expect things to turn out this way.

The air passenger who got the
unexpected gift of 142 grams of pot from Japanese customs
has
found and returned it.

I guess the only questions left to be answered now are what does this do to the credibility of sniffer dogs, and what happens to the jackass who knowingly broke the rules and caused this situation in the first place? Hopefully time will tell.

He Huffed And Puffed On A What?

Remember how I said I thought it was sad that kids were being read stories over the phone? Well, here's the next logical step in that progression of events. Some creep hacked into the tell me a story line at a California public library and replaced a kids' story with a passage of profanity-laced porn.

For parents who don't have time to read to their kids, I hope this is a wake-up call. I hope they realize this is what they get by trusting others to do it for them. Na, probably not. They'll just get outraged at the depravity of the hacker.

Wendy Portillo, You Are The Weakest Link, Goodbye!

Hasn't everyone had a kid in Kindergarten class who was a little brat? If you were a teacher of that class, would you ever think it was a good idea to stand the little brat in front of the class, have the class tell him what they didn't like about him, and then have the class vote on whether he should go? No? Didn't think so. But Wendy Portillo thought it would be a fine idea. How completely insensitive. The kid's 5. What possible good could come from something like that. She's an especially big jerk since she knew the little guy was in the process of being assessed to see if he had some form of Autism. Of course the guy's going to have problems if that's the case, and that kind of humiliation isn't going to help.

My only thought is that she's watched too much Survivor and was itching to reenact it in the classroom, voting the unpopular kid off the island. How very mature. I'm glad the teacher's getting investigated. I hope it ends with her being wished good luck in all her future endeavours.

Japanese Phone Sex

Japanese men must be very, very lonely. First we had Takahiro Fujinuma who called directory assistance repeatedly and went into ecstasy when the operator yelled at him, and now we have this unnamed Japanese plumber who doesn't even require an interaction to get his motor runnin'. All he needs to do is call a food company's toll-free delivery line and listen to the automated voice. He did this a lot, which cost them $38000 or so in phone bills. Dudes, get a hobby or something. AT least order some porn.

I think the funniest part of this story was the detective actually said that the automated voice sounded normal enough to him, as if he would be calling it if it sounded hot. Oh my my my.

That Was Some Standoff!

Good lord. When summoned to a place where shots were fired, before calling in a swat team and evacuating the neighbourhood, maybe police should knock on the door. I guess the shooters went to sleep, police phoned them but they didn't answer, so they set up outside, called in the big guns and moved all the neighbours out as a safety precaution. But they never tried to knock. When the folks woke up and saw the cops, they went peacefully. On the other hand, maybe it was the sheer shock of seeing the swat team out there that made them go so quietly.

That For Better Or Worse Part Is About to Get Tested

As I read this story, I can feel my shoulders slumping. At a wedding, the newlyweds' dog got in a fight with another guy's dog, the other guy started yelling at the couple, went and got a gun and shot them and 2 other people in the wedding party. The happy couple is now in fair condition in the hospital.

Maybe this one bothers me more because I know someone who's about to get married and the thought of such a happy event being shattered forever makes me sad. What a horrible mess.

Panties For Peace

I simultaneously think this is hilarious, awesome, and doomed to fail. Yup, I'm a big fat pessimist.

There's a new way that human rights activists are trying to help folks in Burma. The campaign is called Panties for peace! Nope, you're not hallucinating, I wrote that down.

This is the plan. Canadian women wanting to help should send panties that they have worn to the Burmese embassy, who wil then, I guess send them to Burma. There, when members of the junta see them, they will shrivel up in fear like the witch in the wizard of Oz. "I'm shrinking! Melting!" Why is that? They fear women's panties, and see them as strength-sapping. That in itself shouldn't make me convulse with laughter, but oh it does. Every time I think about it, I just start laughing again. I have to realize that every culture is different, and they'd probably look at us and laugh their asses off at some of our fears. But I can't stop laughing. I can't.

Now, onto the awesome part. I think it's great that people have come up with a non-violent way to fight back. If it works, I will stop laughing and start dancing with joy.

But here's the doomed to fail part. If Burmese generals aren't letting food get to people, what's going to get panties very far? If burmese military folk are so deathly terrified of these things, wouldn't they destroy them on sight? I'm worried this will do even more damage. Maybe they'll assume everything coming from here to there, including food and clothes, is women's panties and destroy it without looking. I know people have to try anything at this point, and I can't fault activists for trying something new. I guess they have nothing to lose.

So, women, if you've got some spare used panties you just don't know what to do with, you now have a plan.

Of All The Things To Copycat...

I'm not sure what got into the water last weekend, but hot on the heels of
the German eBaby
comes the story of a couple from Vancouver who
listed their "very cute" week-old baby on Craigslist
because, they say, they couldn't afford to keep her.

Just like yesterday, the couple is claiming that the post was a hoax. And just like yesterday I ask the same question. Who the hell honestly thinks this kind of thing is in any way amusing?

The Love For Objects Saga Continues

Oh brother. Now we have a whole flock of women making love to objects. One of them has given this disorder a name, Objectum Sexuality. Ok then. A bunch of them have Aspergers Syndrome, kinda like Autism Junior, which might explain it, but I don't know. But apparently this disorder only happens to women. So here's my big question. How do we explain all the men humping things?

Not Too Sharp

Sweet Christ, what's wrong with people!?

There is a pretty good chance that a 150-year-old tree known as the Monkey puzzle might be cut down
because people might get poked by its needles
and get hurt. Yes, this story does come from the UK, how'd you know?

One expert likened the effect of the needles to being pricked by a hypodermic syringe.

‘Every effort is made in this day and age to prevent children playing with discarded syringe needles,’ a report stated.

‘Every effort must be made to prevent children coming into contact with these potentially, equally sharp needles.’

You know, if this so-called expert really wanted to think of the children, he/she would never open its mouth again because of the risk of the youngsters suffering exposure to harmful retardedness.

Haw Haw Haw Haw Haw!

A dipshit German couple has had their 8-month-old baby taken into state custody and are facing possible charges of child trafficking after
listing the boy for sale on eBay
over the weekend.

According to Reuters, a number of people contacted German authorities after spotting the offer on eBay. "Baby--collection only," the post read. "Offering my nearly new baby for sale because it cries too much. Male, 70 cm long and can be used either in a baby carrier or a stroller." Not that the price matters one way or the other, but the parents offered to sell the child for one euro ($1.57).

The unidentified parents are naturally claiming that the post was a joke, though who it was they were trying to amuse remains unclear. Hopefully that kind of material kills in prisons, that's all I can say.

Reservations

It's been kind of a slow day around here, so how about a random tasteless joke?

A newly married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.  

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.  

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

That's The Best He Can Come Up With?

Toronto Mayor David Miller has
announced plans
to ban shooting ranges and gun clubs because he thinks closing them down will help put an end to gun violence in the city.

Of course he's absolutely right, because history has unquestionably shown how dangerous Olympic athletes and gun collecting hobbyists have been to our existence over the years. The sheer number of gang-related incidents these criminals have been involved in is simply astounding, and it's nothing more than pure insanity that they have been allowed to continue their activities unchecked for so long.

Seriously now, does this guy have any idea what the hell he's talking about? I'm by no means a gun supporter, but I'm not so blinded by hysteria that I've forgotten who the real problem is. And in case there's any question, the responsible people with registered firearms, the ones who like to do a little target shooting now and then, they aren't it. The people we need to worry about aren't the ones you can trace to a real name and address, they're the ones you find when it's too late.

Shutting down these places accomplishes nothing other than scoring political points with likeminded goofballs. It won't get guns legal or otherwise off the streets. It won't stop people who want them for evil purposes from obtaining them. All it does is alienate folks who weren't a problem to begin with. It's a worthless proposal put forth by somebody who from many accounts is a worthless Mayor. I used to have no opinion on the man either way, but if this is his grand plan to save Toronto from becoming a murderous hell hole, maybe the detractors are right.

Obey Your Thirst, Except When Riding A Horse!

I have so many questions about this story. Juliet Brown, 9, was riding a horse with her dad. She got thirsty, so they stopped and got a pop. When she opened it, the horse spooked, bucked her off and dragged her for a mile and a half. Not surprisingly, the poor kid died.

So now the questions. I've only ridden a horse three times, and never have I felt confident enough that I could ride the horse and drink something at the same time. I figured I would be wearing the drink, or choking on it when we hit a bump or the horse made a sudden move. So that's amazing that the kid felt that comfortable on the horse. Had she done that before?

Second, where did they stop to get this pop? Were they riding down the street? I was just confused, not a big deal.

But finally, would the sound of a pop can opening be similar to a whip cracking to a horse? Like I said, I've only ridden a horse 3 times, so I don't know.

All I do know is that would be a horrible way to die. I feel for the family.

Well Who You Callin' Moon Pie, My Real Name Is Michael...

That's a new one. Is it good enough to belong in the oompa loompas/Egypt-obsessed stranglers/drunken stuffed dog-screwers/teddy-bear plant stand shrines files? I'm not sure, but it's weird.

Picture this old guy in a convenience store buying some stuff. As he leaves, he gets ker smucked in the shoulder by a random yellow bag. It happens again, and again, and again. He leaves the store, and it keeps happening. He returns to the store with the person in tow who is slinging the random bag, who now stands beside him shaking the bag and screaming "Hi yuh!" The store folk call the police, who come and get Michael Farquer, the offender. What was he swinging at the old man? A box of Moon Pies!

Is the funniest part of the story the fact that Farquer was swinging a box of Moon Pies, or the fact that he's been arrested for something similar before? I can't decide.

Thanks For The Free Weed, Dumbasses

Dog misses planted drugs in Japan, customs embarrassed

A customs agent hoping to test Narita airport's sniffer dogs put 142 grams of cannabis into the side pocket of a randomly selected suitcase, officials said.

"The dog couldn't find it and the officer [then] forgot which bag he put it into," a spokeswoman told journalists in Tokyo. "If by some chance passengers find it in their suitcase, we're asking them to return it."

The cannabis is worth about $10,000 in Japan, which has some of the strictest anti-narcotics laws in Asia. No one has brought it back yet.

Officials said the unnamed 38-year-old customs officer who planted the drugs was acting against regulations, which require a more controlled environment to test the airport's drug detecting dogs.

"I knew that using passengers' bags is prohibited," the officer was quoted as saying by the customs spokeswoman, "but I did it because I wanted to improve the sniffer dog's abilities.

"The dogs have always been able to find it before."

The man has been reprimanded and there is no word on the fate of the pooch that failed to find the drugs.

Take That, Plastic Problem

After seeing this video, I got thinking about something I read the other day that could help a lot with all the plastic we produce. Daniel Burd, a 16-year-old kid, has founda couple of strains of bacteria that, when combined, can break down plastic! Yeah! Hopefully we won't find out later that this could cause more problems.

We should still cut back on plastic, but it would be cool if we could break down our existing plastic bag mess. You go, Daniel Burd. You're going to do great things. Hold up your first prize from the Canada-Wide Science Fair and be proud!. Unlike me who wound up going there 15 years ago with some pictures plastered with phenolphthalein that turned pink when exposed to ammonia, you belong there. Not only do you belong there, you certainly deserve to win.

Dear Richard Peddie

Before you go
spending gobs of money on another soccer team,
could you do me a favour and work on getting a few other things done first? Things like sorting out the Leafs' management situation or maybe making sure that the teams you already own are the kind of teams that have at least a fighting chance of winning something in my lifetime? Or more importantly, replacing yourself with somebody who doesn't have his head completely up his own ass? If you're upset that I made that last statement, I'd be happy to use your own words to prove my point.

"It is a very interesting area where we feel many of our ideas would work," said Peddie.

All I can say about that is one thing. 41 Years.

Love,

Steve

I Think I'd Rather Be Humped

Police Blotter newspaper columns are some of the most entertaining and confusing things you'll ever read, often leaving you with more questions than answers.
One example of this springs immediately to mind,
and now
here's another one
out of what appears to be Lake Park, Florida, though
Small Town Misfit
is claiming Palm Beach.

On Monday, May 19, a man parked his car for repair at the Earl Stewart Toyota dealership in the southwest corner of the lot, and left his keys with the service department.  Deputies later found his car on fire at 549 Merrinac Terrace.

First I'll ask the obvious question. What the...? Now I'll ask the other ones. To anybody who knows the area, how far apart are these 2 locations? To anybody familiar with the story, what happened next? Is somebody getting fired (pun intended)? How much of a piece of shit was this car before the blaze? Was whoever did this trying to help the guy out by torching it for the insurance money? Or maybe we need to look at this another way. Given all the stories of vehicular molestation we've had up here in the last little while, was somebody trying to get over a bad relationship by taking his anger out on the next car he saw?

Anybody with answers, I'd love it if you'd leave a comment or click on my name and send me an email. A mystery needs solving here, so help a brother out.

You Ask, We Ask More

25 May, Sun, 14:43:10
Google:
is Cody Eugene Williams black

Well how should I know? A better question is why do you care? Do you know a white Cody Eugene Williams and want to assure yourself that he hasn't been getting funky with your car? Or, did you see a black guy giving your precious baby the eye in the area where this happened and wonder if it was him?

Why do people search for some stuff? I'll never ever know.

Ben By Any Other Name Still Is Ben

I think Megan Jane Conroy needs to take some lessons from Ben, or is it Dan, Krull. I can't imagine that many people mixing up his name. I know lots of Bens, and none of them say they're called Dan a lot. I'd want to hear what he sounds like when he says his name.

I can sympathize with the poor soul. My last name has had n's and x's added to it, even after I'd just spelled it for people. Back whenI didn't know how to sign my name, because when your blind, signing doesn't get taught early on, I asked someone else to sign me into some event. She asked me how to spell it. I said, "h, e, a, d, r, i, c, k!" "Very good, " she said. She turned to my dad. "This way, Mr. Hendrick." Nooo!

My first name has had an o put where the a goes, and someone who works at the bank flipped the i and the n, so I was Carni for a while. Or there are the people who assume that my first name is Karen when I say it on the phone. Then, they claim I don't exist until I remind them, "It's C a r i n." I'm actually shocked that every speech synthesizer I've ever had has pronounced both my names right.

And then, of course, there are the jokes people make with my last name. That's what happens when it starts with the word head. I have a friend who insists she has it worse because her last name is Armstrong, but somehow I doubt it. but then again, maybe the jokes she gets are more corny and less dirty, and that could be worse.

I know what it's like to stop correcting people. There was a time that I was mistaken for another person at the school for the blind, by both students and staff, so often that I started responding to her name. One day, I got a big scare as I sat in this hallway by the school dining room. One of the teachers marched over to me and said, "don't you know that it's against the rules to steal silverware?" I stared at her, confused. Was there a spoon stuck to my pants somehow? What was she talking about. Realizing that she had the wrong person, she said, "oops. I thought it was the other girl. She played a character in the school play who stole forks and stuff, so I was trying to give her a hard time." I'm just glad the other girl didn't do anything criminal in real life. That could have been ugly. I can just see it.
Me: I'm not who you think I am.
Cop: I know they all saw you do it.
Me: But there's a girl who they always think is me!
Cop: Yeah, right. Sure. Move along. You have the right to remain silent...

What would be really weird for this guy is if he ended up meeting an actual Dan Krull. Would that Dan just happen to have a problem where everyone thought his name was Ben?Talk about your parallel universe!

Was He a Rhinestone Cowboy?

This story isn't too funny, maybe chuckleworthy, because a deer came crashing into a hair salon. but what's more funny is somewhere out there, there's a wildlife conservation officer named Glen Campbell. Hee hee hee hee!

Moving UP In The theft World

Well, looks like they decided to charge the assholes who swiped that Girl Scout's cookie money, and at least one of them has moved on to bigger and better things, only now we have her name because she's 18. Stefanie Woods pleaded no contest to leaving Denny's without paying. All the little punk has learned to do is say sorry. Then probably she thinks she'll get half a chance. Not after getting convicted of stealing the cookie money.

Why did that story make me so angry? There are far worse crimes than not paying a bill for a meal. Oh yeah, they involve stealing things from little kids.

Wouldn't It Be GreatIf Everybody Had A Gun?

Don't piss anyone off in Butler, Missouri. You may wind up full of lead. Why? Because tons of people carry tons of guns in their cars. Now, there's a car dealership who is taking advantage of this love for things that go bang boom pow. If you buy a car at Max motors, you can get either $250 in free gas, or a free semi-automatic handgun! Well actually you just get the certificate for a semi-automatic weapon, but if you pass the background check, you can have one absolutely free, and 80% of people are taking the gun over the gas.

Walter Moore, an employee at Max Motors, says it's just because there are so many carjackings and thefts out there that one should protect themselves. Ok, I guess. I don't know much about semi-automatic handguns, or guns in general, so at first I thought they could fire a lot of bullets per minute. Yup,Jill can start laughing at my complete lack of gun knowledge. I guess they can only fire one shot per pull of the trigger. But from the googling around that I've done, marines use semi-automatics, and there have been lots of gun accidents with the things going off if kept in the fire when ready position. Do we want that in the car?

All I know is I hope the Butler area doesn't have a lot of road-ragers, or there may be a lot of armed road-ragers.

It Just Never Ends

Naked man jumps on cars in Avila Beach

A naked man was arrested Saturday on suspicion of trying to have sex with a taxi cab in Avila Beach, authorities said.

Cody Eugene Williams, 27, of El Dorado Hills, was found about 6:15 p.m. on First Street wearing only his birthday suit and simulating intercourse on the windshield of the cab, according to San Luis Obispo County Sheriff’s officials.

The cabbie was still inside the taxi, investigators said.

Williams, reportedly intoxicated, also jumped on at least three other cars and broke a windshield, sheriff's officials said.

The Best Worst Song You'll Hear All Day

Over onWFMU's Beware of the Blog
there's aposton country songs that were recorded to take advantage of how popular The Twist was in the 50's and 60's. All of them are ungodly horrible as you might expect, but one of them goes above and beyond the call of duty in so many ways it's not even funny. Actually it is funny, but you know what I mean.

The tune in question was recorded by a fellow named Ray Kannon. I know nothing about this man, but if the rest of his catalogue is as fantastic as this that may have to change in a hurry. I say this for one reason, that reason being that anybody who takes the Muleskinner Blues, changes a few words and calls it theMuleskinner Twisthas to be a creative genius who's mind is brimming with great ideas.

Take 51 From 100 And You Get 50?

This is another case where I have no words, and I can hear the words "We're doomed!" resounding in my head. I can also hear the words of another man. I do some work for an adult literacy organization here in Guelph, and they had a little volunteer appreciation night. Someone who's been with them from the beginning did a speech. One of his closing statements was "The only way we can have less kids slip through the cracks and need adult literacy programs is to fail the ones who need to fail instead of just handing them outa pass." I hear those words because now a whole bunch of school districts across the States are rounding up grades below 50 to 50 so it's harder to fail.

Nooo! It may be harder to fail, but it will be harder for the kid to get the message that they're not getting it. Would you pay a worker for half a day even if they didn't show up? No! With this new system, averages that should rightly be in the 50's are falsely inflated to 65!

And what does that teach a kid about basic math? 0 = 50? No! Not after you get out into the real world, kid!

Search And Rescue Remedy

I see that some people are searching for where to get Rescue Remedy in Guelph. Well, I get mine from the Stone Store. Here, have a map! It even has their phone number. Good luck. They certainly have what you're looking for.

Incinerate Me Elmo

Maybe the whole reason we've had kids burning other kids in sheds and lighting each other with bug spray in Winnipeg is because of the presence of lighters with cartoon characters on them. I don't think so, but it can't be helping. Who in their right mind would design an Elmo or Cookie Monster lighter? What adult would walk around with that? And do we want kids thinking they're ok to use because they have cute characters on them? Yikes! And in all the places for them to show up, why Winnipeg? Thank god a quick-thinking custoemer raised a stink, and the display was removed.

Distance Perception Study

I just thought I'd link to a cool study being done so that perhaps it would help get more participants. Martin Talbot is a PHD student in human computer interactions at the University of Waterloo. He's trying to design a navigation system for blind people. But unlike the makers of the Swan and the Mygo, he wants to involve blind people in its development from the ground up. He cares about aesthetics and other practical concerns, and he wants to know what is important to us. I think that's awesome, and I hope that he gets lots of diverse participants. At least he realizes that all blind people are different, and just because one says it rocks doesn't mean the next one will agree. I've met this guy, and he is a breath of fresh air with a mind that is constantly working, trying to think of better ways to do things. Here is a short snippet about his study.

Hello, my name is Martin Talbot. I am asking you to volunteer in a study that is part of my PhD research in Human Computer Interaction at the University of Waterloo.

In this study, I examine an important theory in distance  perception. The theory has never been tested with sounds and persons who are blind before. This study tries to find out if the theory works for you and to learn if you like how the interaction "feels".

As you probably know, the vast majority of technologies available for blind people are developed without involving blind participants in the design process. It is typical to have the products designed by sighted people and then tested on blind subjects. This study aims to involve blind persons in the design decisions right from the beginning. The 
study's objective is the design of an effective, efficient, learnable, and memorable interactive model to enhance spatial orientation in blind persons.

If you agree to participate, you will be asked to fill out a short questionnaire about your vision condition. I will be happy to help you. The questionnaire is available online, so you can read the questions beforehand. All your answers will be anonymous.

All the details about the study, including the task, remuneration, risks, and more, are revealed in the official invitation letter available online at the following address:
http://www.cgl.uwaterloo.ca/~m2talbot/phd_exp/exp1a.htm.

The questionnaire's questions are available online at the following address:
http://www.cgl.uwaterloo.ca/~m2talbot/phd_exp/questionnaire.htm.

This study was reviewed and received ethics clearance through the 
Office of Research Ethics, University of Waterloo.

Thanks for your interest in this research.

Martin Talbot

So there's my small way of helping out. He's looking for participants in the Waterloo region, but maybe in the future, he may turn up elsewhere. Who knows. I hope he gets a lot of useful input.

The Polite Perv

23 May, Fri, 17:30:42
Google:
pictures of randy orton penis please

What's with people writing search queeries like they're talking to the search engine? "Can I have some Randy Orton penis pictures, please? If it's not too much trouble. Thank you ever so much!" It's a computer. It doesn't need to be talked to. You're actually screwing up your search by throwing in pleasantries. But the image of someone politely searching for porn is too funny.

That's Never Happened Before

If you've ever wondered what exactly makes a person a life-long premature ejaculator,
now you know.

The definition was developed after lengthy critical evaluation of the evidence presented in more than 100 studies on the sexual problem published over the last 65 years. It was unanimously agreed by the experts that the definition of lifelong premature ejaculation should be a combination of three key factors:

-- Ejaculation that always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute of vaginal penetration.

-- The inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all vaginal penetrations.

-- Negative personal consequences such as distress, bother, frustration and/or the avoidance of sexual intimacy.

Two things to note:
1. It took scientists from 10 countries to figure this out.
2. The full results of the study will be published in something called the BJU International, which is a fine place for them when you think about it.

Lock The Garage And Hide The Loved Ones

Apparently
car fucking
is more widespread than we thought, at least so says
this story from the Telegraph.

I don't have enough confidence in my abilities as a writer or reporter to think that I could ever do this thing justice, so I'll let the words of Washington's Edward Smith do the talking for me.

"I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said.

"Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful.

"I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."

He added: "I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference."

Then there's this, which is so goddamn awesome that I can't help but get to wondering if this guy is working us.

Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men.

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.

The rest of the article is oddly fascinating, including the revelation that there are at least 500 people hanging around the internet who are also willing to admit to and openly talk about their car loving ways. The surprising part isn't that these people exist, but that if there's 500 of them talking about it, there has to be a lot more of them living in silence.

If there's a lesson to be learned from this...I have no idea what it is. the best thing I can come up with is invest in a car cover. then again, perhaps these people would look at one of those in much the same way as many of us would look at lingerie, so it appears that's probably out.

Friends Don't Let Themselves Drive Drunk

Some of you might remember the
story of Pat Dykstra,
the woman who called 911 from behind the wheel of her car to report that she was too drunk to drive. Well, strange as it sounds, and to me it sounds quite strange because I can't remember 1 case of this in my lifetime let alone 2 in the same year,
it's happened again,
this time to an unidentified man from Seattle, Washington.

DISPATCHER: "911 What are you reporting?"

DRIVER: "I just don't know if I'm safe to be driving."

DISPATCHER: "OK. Where are you right now?"

DRIVER: "Uhhhhhh, somewhere between Kent and Southcenter."

DISPATCHER: "And why wouldn't you be safe?"

DRIVER: "I'm pretty drunk. I don't feel good."

It's nice that these goofs are calling themselves in, but it would be even better if they had the sense to call for a ride before it came to that point.

I'm Starting To Really Hate Tim Hortons

From the company that brought you
let's try to run a charity cafe out of business
and le'ts fire a nice lady because she had the nerve to give an infant a free Timbit comes another blockbuster.

Introducing
let's not allow pregnant homeless people to eat in our stores and follow Good Samaritans around after they've left so that we can yell at them for buying them breakfast.

If all of these things aren't company policies and are decisions left up to individual franchisees, then the company needs to step up and start either legislating common sense or doing background checks on people who are buying in to ensure that they have at best a shred of compassion for their fellow man or are at the very least smart enough not to advertise the fact that they don't.

Yes He Does

Arrested Tuesday for calling 911 15 times in the same night because he couldn't get a cab quickly enough is
Kevin Lewis Waits.

Bonus: The theft of service charge he's facing probably stems from his not having enough money to pay the taxi that had come for him by the time the cops arrived.

And Like Magic, Everybody Looks Dumb

We have an update on the wizard supply teacher, this one even more disconcerting than the first story, but for different reasons.

The first story said Jim Piculas was fired for wizardry. Now this story claims there's more, and I can understand some of it being somewhat more serious. I'm still not sure if immediate termination was necessary, but maybe if I saw the details of the stuff he supposedly did, I'd tell him to not let the door hit him on the ass on his way out. They mentioned not following the lesson plans. Whatever. I had lots of supply teachers just let us do our homework, or they brought in stuff of their own. But it depends what he was substituting for lesson plans, I guess. The report then mentioned letting a student be in charge of the class, which he said didn't happen, but that's all hearsay for now. Finally, the most serious was use of profane language and failing to control the class. I understand the profanity being bad, but the failing to control the class is still ambiguous to me, because I can't count the number of times our class completely terrorized supply teachers and were nothing but a pile of brats, especially when we were the age of these kids. Our class made a teacher quit teaching, for crying out loud! But I remember seeing supply teachers who had 0 pull in the classroom come back afterward. If all of the teachers who couldn't control us were terminated, the board would have to hire a rash of new teachers. But it depends how out of control we're talking. If this is all true, then it sucks that everyone seized on the wizardry, and the news folk didn't try to dig a little deeper. But it gets far worse than shitty research, and none of the players manage to redeem themselves.

First off, let's pick on Jim Piculas himself. He went to the media and overemphasized the wizardry claim to get attention. Then he was shocked, appalled, and horrified that people jumped all over it, gave him the attention he was looking for, and contacted the schoolboard about his case. Hey numbnut, what did you think would happen? Did you think people would do nothing? Sure, some would, but when you're trying to provoke rage and anger, don't you know that that's what some people will do? You look like an ass.

Now, let's slap Joe Public around for a while, because he is an idiot. Some people, after reading various incarnations of the story, decided to take action. They let their fingers do the walking through the yellow pages, and found various school officials, including board of education member Marge Whaley. But did they leave a well-thought-out message expressing their displeasure? Nope! That would require too much effort! Instead, they called her a fucking idiot, and an incompetent turd on her voicemail. Ok, Joe Public, let her earn incompetent turd status before slapping her with it, because I find that insult to be funny as hell. People need to realize that yelling explitives and not well-reasoned diatribes at officials doesn't usually end well and you probably won't get heard properly. What good is having a one-sided conversation anyway, aside from the fact that you feel better after leaving a pile of steaming vitriol on someone's voicemail? It certainly won't reinstate Jim Piculas.

But wait, the multidirectional stupid stick is heading over to give Marge Whaley a sound thumping, because she deserves it. She said, and I quote, "It really made me stop and think, because I go to the Internet for information, say, to look at information on medication I'm taking. Now I'll be more careful. You really can't count on every Web site … because you're likely to get information that isn't true."

Uh, duh! And you're responsible for the teaching of children. What was one of the first things I was told when being introduced to the internet? You have to weigh the source because anyone can post anything. There are no research standards, and no publishing body that screens stuff. If you really need information, look for credible websites that you know are affiliated with real live well-established companies or bodies. Or, cross-reference the hell out of what you're looking for. Don't just believe everything you read. I know this woman is from a different generation, one that didn't even get the internet when they were teenagers, but come on! This shouldn't be a revelation to anyone anymore.

They mention in the story that people google out people's names to see what the internet has to say about them. Let's do what we can do to move this one to the top of google. Jim Piculas Jim Piculas Jim Piculas Jim Piculas Jim Piculas Jim Piculas! Ah, that's good. And,for good measure, Marge Whaley Marge Whaley Marge Whaley Marge Whaley Marge Whaley Marge Whaley.

I still think there's more to the story, and I'm sure it's only bound to get weirder. Hopefully we'll see more of this as the ride continues.

Baby You Can Drive My Car

Since we've somehow gotten into the habit of following things like this, it's time for another exciting (yes I used that word intentionally) instalment of Stuff People Hump.

This time the perpetrator is 18-year-old Callum Ainsworth of Kilwinning in the UK, and his victim is
a car.

Callum Ainsworth, 18, is accused of running along a street naked, bending over the vehicle and simulating sexual intercourse.

The alleged offence is said to have happened near Ainsworth's home in Crannog Way, Kilwinning in February.

Ainsworth denied public indecency at Kilmarnock Sherriff Court and faces trial in August.

Those MySpace Safety Features Are Turning Out Great

I'm not the kind of person you'd normally find defending somebody who had sex with a 13-year-old girl, but you know what they say about every rule having an exception. And if there was ever a time for an exception to be made, I think this is it.

Morris Williams, 22, has been
sentenced
to 5 years in prison and 6 years probation for having relations with 13-year-old Alisha Dean after meeting her on MySpace. Williams says he thought that she was 18, a fairly common excuse for this sort of thing and normally not a very believable one. The difference here is that the girl has already been involved in a similar case that sent another man (24-year-old Marlon Mills) to prison, also for 5 years.

the girl's father, Jerry Dean, seemed happy with the sentence.

"One of the reasons for the law is the fact that minors have poor judgment," he told the media.

Minors and bad parents it would seem.

You'd think that after the first case the MySpace would have come down and her parents with help from the authorities if necessary would be trying to help her turn her life around, but as the article points out, "Dean's family admits Alisha still stays out late and has yet to delete her misleading MySpace page."

I can't help but think that the wrong people are being dragged through the court system here, and I can't help but think that sooner or later it's going to happen again. And when it does, I can't help but think that these shithead parents and their shithead kid will face no consequences whatsoever. Yes minors have bad judgment, but at some point somebody has to take some responsibility for it. In a perfect world, the next person to be sitting in prison beside Williams and Mills would have the last name Dean and would be related to a little brat who has ruined 2 lives in a very short time. Maybe then she'd come home early and stay off the damn internet.

What's That, Lassie? Timmie Fell Down The Well?

I've always wondered if it's possible to figure out what Trix is thinking. Now, apparently there is something that can analyze barks. Israeli prisons are using it to interpret their guard dogs' barks. But what I find more disturbing than the fact that they've invested all this money in technology that analyzes sample barks which are coded by humans, so the technology is only as good as the human interpreters, is that they let their dogs run around free and unaccompanied. How is this safe for man or beast? Any good trained dog can make a mistake, and with the training these dogs receive, that mistake could be deadly. And, if a prisoner decided to hurt the dog, and succeeded, who's there to defend the dog? I know they can be pretty vicious, but so can humans.

This whole thing is just strange, and like in the case of the caller sincerity analyzer, I wonder how effective it really is. Some things just can't be automated. But I guess only time will tell.

If I Told You You Had Alcohol In Your Beautiful Body, Would You Get Into My Official Looking Car Under Threat Of Arrest?

Michael Myers might want to consider working on the art of picking up chicks a little more.

The 32-year-old Kentucky man is facing a felony charge of impersonating a police officer after an incident early Saturday morning during which he attempted to get a woman into his car, threatening her with jail if she didn't comply.

The attempt was broken up by some suspicious firefighters who questioned Myers, then detained him and called police when his story didn't seem to add up.

Now for the best part.

In his car, they even found a very official looking fake badge that says Louisville police on it.  Myers’ badge identified him as an “official boob inspector” from the department of titillations.

Even though it may have been intended as a joke, police say it looked real at first glance. And they believe Myers’ intentions were no laughing matter.

You can read the full article
here,
and post wacky prison related pick-up lines below should the mood strike you.

Ever Heard Of A Bathroom Break?

Why do we need to play videogames using our pee? Well, it's more about aiming the pee, but good god. And even worse, you're playing it with a fellow pisser. Oh my my my.

Maniac In The Making, Or Imaginative Gun Nut?

I'm completely conflicted about this story. Steven Barber was in a creative writing course at Wise College. He was asked to write a short story. He did, and it was full of talk of suicide and murder, with some Virginia Tech references sprinkled in there. Oh, and the dude who got murdered in his story had a name that was eerily similar to that of the professor. Not very smart, Steven, not very smart at all.

This raised an alarm, and they searched his room and found three guns, he was committed to the psych ward for the weekend, and he was expelled.

Ok, I understand the raising of alarms. I think that's completely normal. But can we start with sitting him down and having a talk? I can even understand committing him to a psych ward because the name was so similar, and especially after they found the weapons in his room, even though he says he has a permit to carry concealed weapons...but did he need 3? Two of them semiautomatic? Without the guns and the professor's name similarity, I wouldn't have even agreed with them about the psych ward.

Where I get weirded out is the part about expulsion from the school. They can say all they want that they're protecting the rest of the students by kicking him out, but unless they bar him from living in or visiting the city, he could still come back to campus and shoot people. I don't see how expelling him is helping anybody, and I totally see how it's hurting freedom of speech. Ever since Virginia Tech, there have been cases where students have said something that was politically unpopular, and they have been treated as a clear and present danger on mental health grounds.

Add to that the fact that there has been this desire to scrutinize everyone's blogs and facebook pages for signs of people coming unglued. I know the pages are up there for all to see, but the idea of a committee in place whose sole purpose is to be internet Big Brother gives me the creeps.

I know people are trying to learn from Virginia Tech. But spotting trouble isn't as easy as reading one piece of writing. It has to be over time, and it has to show up in lots of ways, not just in writing. And people have to realize that if enough people get punished for publishing such things, they won't write things like that anymore, and someone who might have broadcast signs of trouble before just won't give us any warning. Now,is that any better?

We have to strike a balance somehow, or free speech will be a thing of the past, even more so than it already is.

On the other hand, if he were the teacher, none of this would have happened.

Up The Creek, Even With A Paddle

I'm sure most of you reading these words already know this, but for the benefit of everybody else, here's a helpful tip from your friends at Vomit Comet World HQ.

If your plan is to get drunk with some friends and then take a stolen canoe out for a joyride, it's a good idea to make sure you can swim, just in case the thing happens to
capsize before the fun is over.

It's too late for this reminder to help young Christopher Mayo, but maybe I can save those of you who might consider copying him. Then again, if you're at all considering that, forget everything I just said. Have fun, knock yourself out, we'll take care of the world while you're gone.

I Hope These Kids Aren't Home Schooled

How this woman's children have lived to be 16 and 21 and how she made it all the way to 43 are a complete mystery to me, but it's another example of my long held belief that
you can't kill the truly stupid.

Woman Hurt Stepping Out of Moving Car

According to the Saline County Sheriff's Office, 43-year-old Lori Baxter hit her head on the ground as she was exiting a car that was travelling at about ten miles-per-hour.

The incident happened in the 4800 Block of Smolan Road at around 5:45 Saturday night. Baxter's 16-year-old daughter was driving, and a 21-year-old daughter was also in the car. She was apparently trying to prove to them that the car was not moving too quickly to exit.

Baxter was transported to Salina Regional Health Center with a head injury, and then transferred to a Wichita hospital.

I wonder how they could tell the difference between the new head injury and the one that caused her to do something like that?

Quiet Car Legislation

A little while ago, I talked about hybrid cars and their dangers. Now, there's apparently a bill going through the house of representatives that if passed, would legislate that all hybrid cars make a minimal amount of noise. Apparently sighted joggers, bikers, etc. are getting ker smucked by them too because they expect to hear noise from a car coming up behind them, don't, and crash! Here is the text I was sent. It was sent by a representative of the NFB. I know I can't do anything, but any American readers can feel free to urge their representative to cosponsor this bill if they are so inclined.

Fellow federationists:

I wanted to let you know the latest on our Quiet Cars legislation, HR 5734. We currently have thirty Members of the House of Representatives listed as cosponsors, and Congressmen Towns and Stearns have sent a letter to Congressman John Dingell, Chair of the Committee on Energy and Commerce, asking for hearings on this bill.

We must increase our cosponsor support on this legislation to show Chairman Dingell that this issue is important to members of the House. The Members of Congress will be leaving for the Memorial Day recess on Friday May 23rd. I would like us to have fifty cosponsors before the recess starts, so I am urging you to call your member of Congress and ask him or her to join as a cosponsor of HR 5734. You can be connected to your member of Congress by calling the capitol switchboard at (202) 225-3121.

I have included a news article and a link below, which shows exactly why this legislation is needed. Thankfully there were no serious injuries in this case. I have also included a list of the thirty cosponsors on the bill. Thank you all in advance for your work on this important matter.

Please contact me with any questions you may have.

Sincerely,
Jesse M. Hartle
Government Programs Specialist
NATIONAL FEDERATION OF THE BLIND
Telephone: (410) 659-9314, extension 2233
E-mail: jhartle@nfb.org
JMH/wmb

Link to news story below
- Where you will also find a video.

Boy hit by hybrid car; mom says he didn't hear it coming

It was something that had never occurred to Jane Flannigan, until she got the call Sunday that her eight-year-old son had been hit by a car while biking with a friend.

Owen Erickson was not badly hurt, though he did end up on the hood of the car. But when the car's driver moved his Toyota Prius from the street to the curb, Flannigan noticed something. "I saw the car, but I could not hear anything," she recalled about the hybrid vehicle which was operating on battery power at the time. "It is totally silent."

That's when it dawned on Flannigan, Owen never heard the Prius before he cut in front of it. "Bikers, runners, anybody out on the street, I think it's a huge safety issue," she said.

She's not the only one. Last month legislation was introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives that could eventually require hybrids to emit a minimum amount of noise.

It's a priority piece of legislation for the National Federation of the Blind, which believes Hybrids pose a real threat to those who rely on noise from cars to keep themselves safe.

"These quiet cars that are very difficult to hear in the normal flow of everyday outdoor activity play a safety hazard," says Jennifer Dunnam, president of the NFB's Minnesota affiliate. "Blind people depend on their hearing to know what the traffic is doing."

Toyota has not taken a position on the legislation, but is aware of the concerns behind it. "We do have to step back and take a look," said John Hanson, Toyota's national manager of environmental, safety and quality communications. The Prius ranks third among Toyota models in sales, behind Camry and Corolla, according to Hanson.

Flannigan doesn't blame the driver of the Prius for running into her son, since Owen biked out in front of his car but she does cut her son some slack. "We're conditioned to hear car noises," she says. "This is a big safety issue."

****
Cosponsors of HR 5734:
AK Congressman Young-R
AR Congressman Boozman-R
AZ Congressman Grijalva-D
CA Congressman Filner-D, Congresswoman Linda Sanchez-D
FL Congresswoman Brown-D, Congressman Stearns-R Original Sponsor), Congresswoman Wasserman Schultz-D
GA Congressman Bishop-D, Congressman Lewis-D
GU Congresswoman Bordallo-D
IL Congresswoman Schakowsky-D
MA Congressman McGovern-D
MD Congressman Wynn-D
MN Congressman Ellison-D, Congresswoman McCollum-D, Congressman Walz-D
MS Congressman Taylor-D
NC Congressman Butterfield-D, Congressman Price-D
NM Congressman Pearce-R
NY Congresswoman Maloney-D, Congressman Rangel-D, Congressman Towns-D (Lead Sponsor)
OR Congressman Blumenauer-D
PA Congressman Robert Brady-D
PR Congressman Fortuno-R
VA Congressman Goode-R
VT Congressman Welch-D
WA Congressman McDermott-D
WY Congresswoman Cubin-R

So there you go. If you don't see your representative on there and you would like to, you know what to do! I really really really hope this goes through. It could save quite a few people, blind and sighted alike.

I'm Not Sure What's Weirder, The Actions Or The Reporting Of The Actions

I'm having one of those there has to be more to the story moments here.

By all accounts, Matthew Evans was a pretty bright kid. Good grades, involved in lots of different activities, well liked by those around him. So it makes no sense that the following line would appear in an
article
about him.

Evans died Wednesday at a St. Louis hospital after sustaining massive head trauma Tuesday night. Police said he "belly-flopped" onto the hood of his best friend's passing car, flying head-first onto the pavement after the driver slammed on the brakes.

That wouldn't be nearly as odd if the words suicide attempt or ones similar to them appeared in the article, but they don't. There's not even any mention of an ongoing investigation. It's just what a nice guy, this is how he would have wanted things, and oh by the way he died in a completely ridiculous fashion.

If somebody could help me out by doing the media's job for them I would love that person forever, because I'm really confused right now.

Calling All Grammarians

For some reason, one sentence in
this little news story
has been driving me nuts since Sunday. Why no, I do not have a life, why do you ask?

Anyway, read this and see if anything strikes you as odd.

The cyclist was ejected from the bike and suffered injuries to his lower left leg, scrapes and bruises.

There are 2 things wrong with this, 3 if you count the horrible grammar displayed by people who are paid to know better.

1. It's sad that the poor lad's scrapes and bruises were injured in the accident. Where exactly are the scrapes and bruises located on a human body anyway, I can't seem to find mine.

2. Maybe I'm wrong or making a big deal out of nothing, but how can you be ejected from something that you weren't inside of? I've heard of being ejected from a car or a bus or what have you, but never from a bike. To me it's like saying that you were ejected from the roof rather than that you fell from it while doing repairs. and how many suicides have you heard of being caused by ejecting oneself from a bridge? Are the terms thrown from and ejected interchangeable now? I've seen thrown from used in place of ejected as in "he was thrown from the vehicle," but never the other way around as in the example above, and for some reason it looks really weird.

Feel free to tell me to go outside now.

The Sahara What Now?

I haven't posted a really stupid joke in a while and this one just hit my email so I think it's time to fix that.

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a stumpy little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the stumpy little man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The little man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back,

"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Lessons You Shouldn't Need To Learn

Bonnie Ashley says she wasn't dumb, she was desperate when she got married 11 times, each ending in divorce, and the last three marriages/divorces were with the same man. But I can't help but disagree with her. Let's look at a few choice quotes from the desperate woman herself.

"I was desperate, not dumb," Ashley says. "I was taught that a man took care of you. So each time I didn't have one, I heard, 'Old Maid!' "That's what my dad called any single woman over 25."

And that's not dumb? How about

She'll never marry again, she says. "I'll sleep around, but that's all."

Or

"Here's why women should read my book," she says. "So they understand what can happen if you marry someone you really don't know." It's a lesson she recently learned.

I've got news for ya. The smarter of us already learned this lesson long ago. And the not so smart won't learn from reading your book, if they read it.

I haven't hit the bottom of the stupidity barrel. There's

Even after the 11 marriages and divorces, she asked this last guy (the one she kicked out of the house two weeks ago) to ask her to marry him. She did this only a few weeks after they met. He refused. With your track record, he told her, I'd have to know you for a long time. "It was such a rude awakening," she says. He moved in for a while, moved out, then came back until she finally kicked him out. "Someone had to force me to learn how not to want to get married," she says.

Ya don't say! And here's the final pearl of...what? Idiocy? Yeah.

"The only difference now is I don't want to be married just to be married," she says. "I need to get to know you first."

Well I should hope so. Welcome aboard the train of logic. You're only 32 years too late.

You can tell the reporter doesn't think too much of her, or is completely aghast at the jaw-dropping stupidity before him. I know I am. It's pretty spectacular when someone is so stupid that she doesn't even know she's stupid and wants to write a book revealing detailed accounts of her stupidity. But maybe she'll end up just like William Topaz McGonagall and people will love her to death.

Rescue Remedy Update

Remember how I said I was going to buy Rescue Remedy? Well, I did. They had spray and drops. I almost bought the drops, but then they weren't sure if I could tell how many drops I had in the dropper. Neither was I, so I wasn't sure if I'd end up wasting more than I needed per squeeze. Maybe I should have got the drops. She does let me spray it in her mouth, which is pretty cool. They said to give two sprays each time I give it, so that's what I do.

I already had an occasion to try it, and it sort of worked! She was still shaking and panting some, but she would at least listen to me, and she let me rub her belly, which was miles ahead of what she would do before. She wasn't trying to seek shelter under things or magnetize herself to Steve. Maybe with a few more uses, it might get even better.

I'm still probably going to find some kind of fireworks/thunder storm sounds CD and see if I can try desensitizing her too, but this might do good things after all! Yea Rescue Remedy!

Hurt In a Car? Don't Call Brian Loncar!

Woops. It's never good when you're a personal injury lawyer, your specialty is helping people with lawsuits to do with being hurt in car accidents, andyou cause one by not yielding to a fire-engine, and you're the worst hurt. Hopefully Brian Loncar doesn't try to sue himself, since he appears to be the negligent one. How funny, he has the word car in his name.

Was It A Winner?

I guess Ronald D. Wittenberg will never know because he was trying to scratch it off while walking down train tracks and...scratch scratch scratch...he never heard the horn blowing...scratch scratch scratch...from the train...scratch scratch scratch...as it blew for 45 seconds straight...scratch scratch scratch...as it came up from behind him...scratch scratch scratch...and got him!

They never mention whether the ticket was a winner. All we know is he doesn't get to play again.

It's A Legal Matter, Baby...Or Is It?

Here's a quick note to girls everywhere. Don't date Lance R. Stelzer. If you do, and then things go bad, he may sue you. If that's not bad enough, in the discovery phase, he may ask for things like:

• "Each and every page of your 'journal' which mentions, references, or contains name Lance R. Stelzer."
• "Copies of all photographs ... which portray you dressed (fully or partially) in red negligee."
• "The full name and current address of your mother, sister, and new boyfriend's mother."
• and erotic photographs and emails.

Is that even legal? I hope to hell not. It sucks that she left him when he was sick, but this guy sounds like a huge stalker!

The Most Successful Failure Ever

So, the moral of the story of William Topaz McGonagall is even if you suck heartily, and people throw rotten fruit at you as you recite your horrid poetry, keep going in your suckalicious fashion, because when you die, people will love you for your complete lack of self-doubt in the face of tons of proof of your sucktitude. We're an odd bunch, us humans, aren't we? Now that he's dead, everyone's fighting over where he's from, and they have memorials to him.

I have no more words, but I can't stop chuckling.

Does That Sound Good To You?

Since we're heading out for some May long weekend food and drinks, I got thinking about two food commercials I've heard recently that make me want to hurl!

The first was Subway raving about their new pizzas. Mmm! Pizza! They tell you it's topped right in front of me! Mmm! With whatever I want. Mmm! And ready in 90 seconds! Blech!

How can they say eat fresh after that? Maybe I misunderstand something, but that sounds like a nuked pizza to me. Has anyone tried one? Are they good? I'm curious.

The second commercial was for a Tim Hortons Brownie Ice-Cap supreme. I would think mmm, except I know how much the other Ice-Cap supremes already tend to have stuff settling to the bottom. Now imagine brown chunks settling to the bottom of your drink. Mmm. Slurp it up, baby. Then part of me wants to try one, insisting that it's brownies after all, at which time another part of me slaps that part and calls it a fool. Oh boy, do I have multiple personalities?

Ok, I've got to stop thinking about bad food so I can eat some good stuff! Hope everyone's having a good weekend, even though the weather took a crap.

Rescue Me!

Well, It's the May long weekend again, and you know what that means, don't you? Fireworks. And do you know what that translates to in Trixie-land? Puffpantpuffshivershivershakepuffpuffpuff. Last year, I noticed it, but some people told me once she was more bonded to me, she would feel less afraid. Well, nope. It's weird. People started firing them off on Thursday night while we were out playing, and she didn't seem super uber weirded out by them. She would walk away from the bangs, but not in an overly insane fashion. As a test, I harnessed her up and got her to walk me home. She did, even thinking enough to walk along the fense until we got to an opening, and then walking down the sidewalk instead of madly cutting across the grass to the building, which she tried to do last year. I thought woohoo! I think she's better!

Then the next night when a few went off, she was a basketcase! She glued herself to Steve. I don't get why she chose Steve. That's just weird. Her ability to listen to me went straight to hell. She would barely do obedience no matter how many times I did it. She didn't even care about her Wubba! What the? It's her wubba! Eventually, I tied her down, and again, that was the only thing that worked.

So, tomorrow, I'm going on a walk to the health food store to pick up something called Rescue Remedy. It's supposed to help people with anxiety and panic attacks and dogs with high anxiety or, ta da, fear of loud noises. Has anyone tried it with their dog? I've heard lots of good stuff, so I hope it works!

Now, Here are a couple things I'm confused about. It says there's a Rescue Remedy and Rescue Remedy Pet version. It seems the only difference is the Pet version is alcohol-free. If there's anyone out there who's reading this and using it, is the pet version just as easy to find as the human version? And they say it can actually eliminate their fear of loud noises. How? They say in some cases, you should give it daily. But I don't think my situation is one of those that call for that. I think I would just give it when there's fireworks or thunder. Am I right?

Well, I'll post how this whole thing goes. I'm sure tomorrow night, and the night after, I will have many an opportunity to try out Rescue Remedy! Wish me luck! I need to find a solution, because nothing I've tried works. Not music, not obedience, not distraction with toys, not even treats, not leaving her alone. The only thing that does is putting her on tie-down, but we can't very well do that if we encounter a thunder storm or some goof setting off fireworks while we're out somewhere. Bang! There goes another one! She's tied down, but if she wasn't, the panting would begin immediately.

Another Dog Becomes A Guide Dog!

Holy crap. It just hit me. Remember when I talked about Trixie's raiser's next puppy going into training? Well, today, she graduates! Yup, Marlene, Trixie's raiser, can say she created another fine dog. You go, Betts, I hope you're just as awesome as Trixie. You probably are, since you got a fine start. Hopefully the person who gets Betts will be far more articulate than I was on graduation day. I remember the staff talking about graduation and saying that we don't have to make a speech, but you can if you want to. I was so tired I couldn't think to prepare a speech. I thought the right words would come when the time came. Well, no, they didn't. I'm sure I looked like a deer caught in headlights. I stammered, bit back tears, and tried to leave the stage too soon. Yeah, that looks good. I still can't bear to watch myself on the DVD they sent home of the graduation.

I wish I could find Betts's handler. It would be cool to have something in common. But then I think I am idealizing things, and if I did meet her, she might drive me insane. I just hope she keeps in touch with Marlene. She deserves as much. Go Betts! You rock!

Bill O'Reilly Is Angry

If you want to see the full version of the Bill O'Reilly freakout video that was shown in
my last post,
here ya go.

I should have posted this the other day, but for some reason (probably laziness) I didn't get around to it.

On-Camera Meltdowns

If you've known me for any length of time or been following the blog for a while, you know that I love it when broadcasters flip out. And since I know some of you like this sort of thing too (how could you not?),
here's a cool video montage of some pretty good ones.

It's a nice mix of classics and new stuff, including Bill O'Reilly's recent one and the Sue Simmons clip that Letterman has been playing the hell out of this week. And one of these should be familiar to longtime readers, see if you can pick out which one.

Note for JAWS users: To get the video to play, press the 0 button in the Flash movie.

I Don't Know...Stuff!

I've been meaning to write this thought pile down for a while, but for some reason, I just couldn't get started. Even now, it isn't flowing like it usually does. Oh well, hopefully it will pick up before it's done.

I can't believe I'm halfway through that French class I joined. Things are going very well. I really like my classmates. They're a lot of fun. I'm hoping that we can exchange info and meet up afterwards to informally keep our French alive. I don't want to keep paying for courses if we can just go to the park and have a chat or something.

The teacher is really cool. She says she's happy that I'm in her class. She's so thrilled with me that she told her night class about me! One of the students recognized me when I walked into the store where she works. It's weird to be standing in line and then the cashier says, "Are you taking a French class?" Uh, yeah.

The teacher even says she's happy that I didn't let her know in advance because that would have given her time to get herself all worked into a frazzle. How often do you get thanked for not warning someone about something? She's a cool lady. I'm glad I could show her that having a blind student isn't the end of the world.

Remember back when I mentioned getting Pacman Talks? Well, my scores have gotten a hell of a lot better, and I've been able to turn off training mode! Someone halfway good at this game could still probably clean my clock, but at least the scores are respectable, and I have to actually do some work to get into my own top 10. God I'm so addicted to that game it's not funny.

Sometimes, when I'm not playing it, I'll imagine certain things as ghosts. I was eating a sandwich, and the jam was trying to leak out the bottom, and instead of my brain thinking that I should make sure I don't spill jam on myself, in my head I heard the sound in the game that means a ghost is coming. Oh dear. I'm a sad case.

What is it with me thinking about old technology a lot lately? In any case, Steve and I got talking, and he was trying to tell me about an even older piece of software than I ever laid eyes on. It was called Braille Edit. Let's go back a bit. Back in the 80's, I used an Apple IIe with a program on it called Bex to do all my school stuff. The way it was set up was kind of like HTML code junior, in the sense that you had to write out codes in your text if you wanted certain formatting. But BEX could also do braille and interface with all manner of blinky portable technologies. I loved watching it make the Versabraille display dance when you sent text to it. I loved it at the time, but anyone who even used WP51 would cringe at the site of this.

Scarily enough, there was an even older version of this program. You see, BEX stands for Braille Edit Express. Before BEX, there was just Braille Edit, and apparently it was a very clunky piece of software to use. I tried to google it to get an idea of what it was like, but I'm finding it's slowly disappearing from even the internet. Does anyone remember using this archaic piece of software? What was it like? I can't imagine something clunkier than BEX.

Steve also mentioned the weirdest braille printer ever. He can't remember what it was called, but apparently, you had to roll paper into it sheet by sheet, and it had a braille keyboard attached to it and something that resembled the carriage that you pull across on a brailler, only this carriage moved on its own. You apparently had to push a whole bunch of key combinations to get it to go, and at the end of each sheet, you had to hurry up and put the next sheet in or the whole process would time out and you had to start over. No no no, we didn't know how to resume print jobs in those days. You had to be thankful that you could print at all! So what is this museum exhibit called? Does anybody know? I'm deadly curious.

On the newer technology front, my Book Port problem is fixed! They upgraded the transfer software, and now the daisy book works! Yea! Woo! I love my Book Port!

My pedometer arrived! Now, I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. Why? I can set the time, I can set my stride length. I just can't figure out how to get it to count steps! That's kinda its most important function. Wow! I am a huge moron! In case anyone can help out a toolchest like me, here's the one I bought. Ah hell, here's a picture too.

When I read the story about the fake drug enforcement agent, something jumped out at me, besides the ridiculousness of the story itself. The town had a dogcatcher! This made me think about being a kid, and how many kids' stories had dogcatchers in them. These were usually evil men who you didn't want catching your dog. What's up with that? Did dogcatchers used to be evil people who you had to pay off to get your dog back? Did they steal dogs? What's the history of the dogcatcher?

I experienced a new twist on people wanting to give themselves a big pat on the back for helping me out, only this pat on the back makes me look like an even bigger fool than I already feel. I was downtown, and for some reason, I always have trouble getting back across the street from this one store. Once again I tried, and once again I failed, and ended up right next to a tree in a parking lot. Feeling pretty stupid, I hoped someone came along. Someone did, and asked me where I was trying to go. I told her, and she helped me. That's great. She decided to walk me all the way to my destination. She didn't have to do that, but I didn't mind. But when we got to the destination, she really didn't have to do what she did next. I walked in and walked up to the counter, at which point she said in a loud voice, "Excuse me, can someone help this lady? She got lost on her way here, so I brought her here."

Um, was that necessary? Did she have to announce to the world that I got a little screwed up? People already think we can't do anything without help, thanks for perhaps furthering that assumption for anyone in that store. People probably think I'm overreacting, but let me put it this way. If you gave someone directions, would you then yell at everyone around you, "Aren't I great? I just helped her find the mall!" No, you wouldn't! You'd just help the person out and go on your way.

I don't know why some people have to make a big production out of helping someone. Can't the act of helping be enough? Can't they realize that the person they're helping would like to preserve some of their dignity?

And that's about it for now. Wasn't that the most random pile of uncoordinated thoughts? Oh well, that's nothing new I guess.

Enjoy Your New Penis, And Don't Forget To Thank The Guy Who Gave His Life For It

This
makes me angry almost beyond words.

The Ontario government has announced that it will resume covering sex-change operations under it's health insurance plan in the near future. This is the same health insurance plan that does not cover things such as eye exams, not to mention the same health insurance plan that had my family wondering how much of my dad's care would be covered when he had his stroke a couple of years ago and hoping that we could sort out what kind of coverage he had through private insurance so that his hospital stay wouldn't cause financial problems for him if/when he got out.

The article I linked above doesn't nearly do this story justice, at least not compared to the report on my local TV news the other night. In that story, supporters of the change were crowing about how these kinds of surgeries should be covered on human rights grounds and that they're a quality of life issue, oh, and we can't forget a matter of life and death because a few people offed themselves because they felt they had been living in the wrong body.

I have no problem with somebody wanting to become a new person, and though my words might indicate otherwise, I don't have that much of a problem with the government helping them out. What I do take issue with is all of this human rights and quality of life business. It's a violation of somebody's rights that the government won't foot the bill for a cock snip, but delisting exams that could allow a person to continue to live his current life with the eyesight he already has is perfectly fine? To quote somebody who's name escapes me at the moment, "horsepebbles!"

If the government wants to spend my money on this they can go ahead, but they'd better be prepared for all of the whining from everybody else who wants elective surgery, and for the justified complaining from people who can't get funding for medical care that truly falls under the category of life-saving.

omg ur wrong lol rotflmao

A new study released by 2 researchers from the University of Toronto claims that rather than hurting the English language,
the use of instant messaging is actually making it stronger and making people more articulate.

I don't know what data they're looking at and really, who am I to call bullshit on scientists, but I feel I have no other choice here. I've messaged and emailed with quite a few people in my time, not to mention read things they've published online. All of this admittedly informal observational research has led me to one clear conclusion, that being that these folks can't possibly be right. Maybe if you keep it strictly to IM things get slightly better than they do when you look at online communication as a whole, but I have a tough time believing even that much especially when you consider things like
this
from a couple of years ago.

No, I'm Not Shaking Your Hand, And I'm Definitley Not Smelling Your Finger

We all get lonely sometimes, but lonely enough to pay $15 for
a bottle of stuff that smells like a vagina
that we can dab on our hands to make jerking off just a little more realistic?

The erotic and intimate scent of an irresistible woman has been encapsulated into a small glass bottle, not as a perfume but purely as a substance for your own smelling pleasure.

The bottle is to be shaken gently and when only a tiny amount of this intoxicating substance is applied to the back of the hand the irresistible smell of a moist, sensuous vagina exudes and immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies, stimulating the cinematic visions of the imagination.

Breathe in and enjoy the scent of a beautiful woman anytime, anywhere!

Thanks...I think, to Greg for passing this life-changing product my way. I'm probably gonna be scarred for life now, you no good son of a bitch.