That Guy Needs A Hug

If you're having a bad day, stop complaining and start counting your lucky stars that you're not
this guy.

And in case anybody is curious, this definitely falls well within the fuck fuckity fuck fuck ouch category.

Haw Haw Haw, You Really Got Me There

You'd think that of all the people who should know that pretending to break into somebody's house as a joke is a dumb idea, a police officer would be right at the top of the list, but
apparently not.
Perhaps the bullet the doctors had to dig out of his stomach will serve as a reminder from now on though.

And speaking of the future, something tells me there'll be a few awkward family get-togethers ahead as well.

More Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie

A long time ago, I posted a list of
things you'll never hear in a western movie.
Well, it turns out there are more of them, so...

"As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown in the middle of town. The liability issues are staggering."

"Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are here to tell y'all, it's *fun* to go to the YMCA!"

"Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o' nylons keeps the chaps from riding up."

"Barkeep! Three more Slippery Nipples for my posse."

"Miss Kitty, I don't think I've ever seen stirrups used quite like that before."

"In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like you, Bart -- civil litigation!"

"Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?"

"Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women... but considering what we've done to THEM, I think they're showing remarkable self-restraint."

"You had me at 'Howdy.'"

"Yeah, I'm sure he was an Indian -- his name was Amandip Gupta."

"That's *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner."

"I cain't go in the saloon! Brown Bart's wearin' the same shirt I'm a-wearin'!"

"They call me... Moesha."

"Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain't gonna have no room for the tiramisu!"

"Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!"

"reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol."

I'm Tired, Here's My Wallet

Are you one of those people who just can't get up in the morning no matter what you do? Is the snooze button your best friend and worst enemy? Well friends, help, and possibly even financial ruin are at hand.

For the low low price of $39.99, you can get your very own
SnūzNLūz - Wifi Donation Alarm Clock,
one of the best and worst inventions I've ever seen.

The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as 'HATRED'. Basically it's human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it's human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That's why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate. The problem of sleeping in is solved.

And it's easy to setup and use too! Just plug your SnūzNLūz in and either connect it to your network via the RJ45 jack on the back, or via WiFi (WPA supported) if available. Then simply configure via the embedded web browser configuration utility. From here it's a snap. Simply select your online banking institution from the list of supported banks (currently over 1600 are supported). Supply your login information and then select your favorite HATED charity or non-profit from the included lists (over 6200 currently supported). Then plug in your donation amount per snooze incident ($10 or more), set the time, and alarm, and voila, instant time profit!

If any of you buy one of these things, let me know if it works for you...if you can still aford to send email that is.

Was There Nothing Else Going On That Day?

Car chases happen all the time, but rarely does it take
2240 officers, 460 police cars and a helicopter
to catch one guy, and nobody seems to know why this one did.

But here's the best part. After all that time and I guess effort, the guy wound up basically catching himself when he hit a bridge and got himself hurt.

We Do Not Run An Opinionated Blog

Beauty pageant dumps tarot card reading judge

I know I shouldn't, but I find it somewhat odd that an organization claiming to have no religious slant is getting so worked up over something so trivial in such a religious fashion.

When you send somebody a letter saying "tarot card reading is witchcraft and is used by witches, spiritists and mediums to consult the dark world. We hope that Stephanie Conover will turn from these belief systems and will repent from her practice of them," that, to me, seems pretty slanty. And if that isn't, the comment that "We want to be in line with God's word when it comes to this type of activity and this isn't anywhere near God's word" certainly is.

If you're going to discriminate, be up front about it. Don't say stupid things about being worried that she'd use the cards to pick a winner and please, for the love of God don't claim that you didn't say anything bad about her. You all but called her an evil spirit in writing, just admit it and be what you are. Then again, by blatantly lying to the press when they try to hold you responsible for your own remarks, perhaps you're already doing that.

Anatomy Of An Asshole

Charles Smith has
begun his testimony
at the inquiry looking into his work, and from the looks of things, he's not doing much to up his standing in the hearts and minds of the public.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this piece of...work, he was, at one time, considered one of the leading experts in the field of pediatric forensicss, a man who's word was highly valued and directly responsible for dozens of criminal convictions. Well, as it turns out, everybody's favourite expert witness didn't have a clue, or if he had one he put it aside for the sake of an anti child abuse agenda, because many of the convictions he helped win were against innocent people in cases where not only did the suspect have nothing to do with the death in question, but the child died of natural causes or another factor having nothing to do with foul play.

With the background out of the way, let's look at some of the gems he came up with yesterday in his attempt to I suppose defend himself.

• He had little understanding of the criminal justice system, and no concept of the vital role that expert witnesses, in particular pathologists, could play in a trial.


• He thought his job was to always do what he could to make the prosecutor's case look as good as possible, not to be impartial.


• Due to a lack of training courses in Canada, he only ever attended 1 seminar in the United States that lasted for 2 days and focused on testifying in court. As a result, much of Charles Smith's training was done by Charles Smith and Charles Smith alone.


• This, "retrospectively," was "woefully inadequate."


• He is a disorganized person who had a tendency to be late delivering reports and keeping track of things.


• He never had a mission to hunt down child abusers, but he was concerned that it wasn't being reported enough at the time and that the signs were being missed by others.


• In spite of all of this, he feels that he's being singled out unfairly for review because he did his job to the best of his ability with what was available at the time. To review him now is dirty pool because the reviewers have access to information he didn't have.


• Oh, and he's very very sorry.

Have you got all that?

And do you, as I do, hold the belief that he wouldn't know the truth if it tried to perform an autopsy on him?

To be fair, no matter what he said he was in a no win situation. He screwed up bigtime. At least 27 levels beyond bigtime in fact. Because of his wrecklessness, dozens of people were forced to fight long and costly legal battles to clear their names. Many of those people did prison time, some of them a lot of it. So what was he to do? If he tells the truth, he's a stupid asshole. If he lies, he's an uncaring and stupid asshole. If he refuses to answer any questions, yup, asshole. Even in apologizing, he's still an asshole, especially I'd imagine to the wrongfully put away.

But that's exactly the position he should be in. There's no explaining what he did. No justification whatsoever for it.

If you don't understand the justice system, you learn it. Countless books have been written on the subject, not to mention that you work around vital components of said system on a daily basis. Pick some brains.

If your training is no good because you can't get any, find a new line of work. Highly respected forensic pathologist isn't one of those jobs you can lie your way into and fake your way through. Go flip burgers or something more suited to your skill level.

Most of all, don't talk out your ass when your life's work and mistakes are being put under a microscope. You either did the best you could, or you were an untidy slob who never met a deadline he couldn't ignore or a piece of evidence he couldn't lose. You were never out to get child killers or you were part of the "advocacy culture" and too emotionally involved in what you were doing. Pick one, you can't have it both ways. the fact that you think you can makes you look like an even bigger asshole, believe it or not.

And don't even get me started on being unfairly singled out. If that's the case, why are we not seeing a rash of mistakes across the board? Because most people care enough about their work to get things right. If anything else needs reviewing, it's not the work of your peers [it sickens me to call them that], it's the system that allowed you to function unchecked for so long.

I can't wait to see what you've got in store for us on day 2. Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll go a long way towards ensuring your induction into the Asshole Hall Of Fame, you stupid asshole.

Sing Sing Singing A Different Tune

Now there's a sucky day. A guy broke into a minimart, but was scared off by police. He ran and ran and ran...and ran onto the grounds of Sing Sing State Prison! Woops! Needless to say, he's not running anymore. A guard got him, and off he went to jail. But you know what his name was? Blake Leak. Yeah, I think I'd be taking a leak too if I realized I just ran into one of the toughest prisons around. But this puzzles me. How does one just run onto prison grounds? I didn't think it would be that easy to sort of stumble into SingSing. I would have thought there were more security measures. I mean, if you can just run in, wouldn't it be easy for friends of inmates to smuggle things in? It doesn't make sense.

The Arrogant Worms Came To Guelph Again!

On Friday, we went to see The Arrogant Worms. I don't know why it's taken me this long to write about it, but oh well. We had seen them years before, and we thought it would be cool to see them again. We weren't disappointed.

Last time, their show was held in the lobby/bar of the River Run Centre, and this time, it was in the same building, but on the main stage, and what a different atmosphere! I think the time it was in the lobby area, it was more animated because when they wanted people to do actions, there was room for them to stand up and do them. Plus, I think more of the people going were pretty big fans of the Worms.

This time, the hall was almost full, but I think a lot of people were just trying them on for size, so didn't know what to make of them. I was surprised at how many older people were there. I never thought they would be Worms fans. If they weren't before, something tells me they are now. Another thing that made the atmosphere different was there was no room to stand up and do the "rocks and trees" actions. But it was still fun. I mean, how many comedy groups have random synthesized fog?

I think half the fun was trying to get the crowd to start participating more. I'm proud to say Steve and I were among the few who went "roar!" in Jesus's Brother Bob. For a second, I thought we were the only ones who did. We certainly were the only ones in our immediate area. but after that, more people seemed to get into the fun.

I think it's pretty cool that they can take old songs and add new lines to them. Two of the songs that got the most surgery were the Mounted Animal Nature Trail song and the Wolfe Island Ferry song. God damn that was funny. I'll never say "Sit! Stay!" without thinking of the worms. Uh-oh. That means every morning they're going to come to mind.

We even got to hear some new songs that haven't been released yet. How absolutely awesome is that? One of them is stuck in my head. Damn it! I can't even listen to it to get it out! Damn you, worms. They say they're putting out an album in a few months, so believe me, I'll be getting it.

People must have fallen in love with them by the end, because they came out for two encores. Two! I think the Worms have lots of new fans. So, if they come to your town, go see them! They're hillarious.

Craig's Hit List

Here's another one for the You're stupid files. Ann Marie Linscott decided that the wife of a man with whom she had an affair must die. But who was going to do it? She decided to find the hitman by posting an ad on Craigslist, the popular buy and sell site. She didn't exactly say she wanted a hitman right up on the site, she just said it was a freelance job. But people who responded were told she was looking to eradicate a female, and given a bunch of details on how to find her, and an offer of $5000.

That has got to be the dumbest way to hire a hitman. First, uh, doesn't everybody know you are kind of low-key about looking for one? Throwing an ad up on an internet site doesn't seem very private. You don't know who is going to see it, and who is going to decide to let the police know.

And, if someone agrees to do it, how are they going to prove they got her? Couldn't they just trick her into believing the person was dead so they could arrange to collect the money and then get her arrested?

Man, some people are stupid. Oh well, at least the people she was targeting were warned, and she's too busy getting ready for court to worry about arranging a death.

One Can't Live On Power Of Prayer alone

Arg. I must channel the anger I'm feeling before I say something I regret.

You know the whole thing I posted about Holly? Well, she and I are on a mailing list together. This mailing list always acts like they're one big family. Well, when she posted her news, blog, and request for help, all people said they would send were prayers.

Prayers? I think they can do more than send prayers. How about donating a little cash? How about networking with friends or others at the churches they attend to see if someone knows someone who might know something useful to her? Prayers are not going to make $60000 appear. Action, on the other hand, is.

It just burns my butt. We're a big group of people. If we all gave just a few bucks, it would be a hel of a lot more helpful than prayers. It just goes to show that a lot of people are all talk. They say they'll be there for their friends, but when someone needs something, they sit back and fold their hands in prayer. When I was a baby struggling for life, I think my mom got a lot of prayer and no actual help. She had two other kids to worry about while she visited me in the hospital. Did anyone in the neighbourhood offer to babysit? Nope. They prayed. Did anyone drive her to those appointments? One really good neighbour did, but none of the church-goers pitched in. You know where that got her? She felt alienated from the church and never went back.

This isn't to say I don't think prayer is a good thing. I personally don't pray, but if that's what helps someone through, go ahead. Just do some constructive action along with your praying. Did all these people who pray ever stop to think that the reason prayer might work is someone actually does what you're praying for? How about you be that someone?

And before someone tells me to shut up until I've done something, I have. It's small, but it's something. I gave her a few bucks. I put up a blog post. I told some other people who might know some other people who might be able to help. I'm not saying I'm a hero or anything, I'm just saying that it's not that hard to do more than pray. If all these people care about this situation as much as they appear, they should show it! Now is the time to band together and do something!

Ok, I think I'm less angry. But if one more person says they're going to offer only their prayers...

This Is A Real Patent

How much pot were these people smoking? Can I have some?

Welcome to the USA

If you come to New York for a vacation and bring your kids, for god's sake, don't need medical attention. If you do, like Yvonne Bray from Britain did, they'll take your kids into an orphanage, treat them like juvenile delinquents, strip-search them and ask them questions like "Have you been raped?" or "Are you in a street gang?" And then they'll send you a letter telling you that you're under investigation for parental neglect because the kids spent the 30 hours in the orphanage that you spent in the hospital. Thankfully, that has been cleared up, but still! What a sign that the system really works.

Lawyer Error

Here's a second super prick. The lawyer for a co-pilot, and only survivor of a doomed flight said that the passengers of the flight shared the blame because they should have known that flying out of that airport was dangerous. Not surprisingly, that claim has been withdrawn. Um, too late. You're officially skum.

But But But What About My Car?

You've got to be a special kind of prick to hit a kid, kill him, and sue his family so you can repair the damage to your car. If that's not prickish enough, this quote should seal it. "I'm also a victim in all of this, you can't fix the lad's problems, but you can fix mine."

Um, wow. Just wow.

Save Holly's Hearing

This is justa quick note to help out someone I know. Due to some difficulties with tumours, Holly lost her vision, and now the tumours are threatening her hearing. What she needs is a procedure that costs $60000, and isn't covered by her health insurance. So, if you're interested, go read her blog, and if you can, send her some dough, and some hope!

Wrong Number In A Big Way

Man, we're just full of stories about stupid people today. Our latest moron text messaged someone about buying some pills, but got the wrong number, and ended up texting a police detective. So, you can guess they lined themselves up for an arrest. Easy there, fast-fingers. You'd think you'd check the number before making an illegal drug deal. Hell, you wouldn't think you'd even deal at all when you have a 2-year-old. But I guess that's another sign this person is dumb.

Now, You're Fired!

Here's a tip for any disgruntled employees/employees with job-security issues. Next time you think you're going to be terminated, unleash your revenge *after* you know you've been axed. Oh, and don't be the only person capable of committing said revenge.

What Am I Gonna Do With Your Tattoo

Yeah, people are dumb. Why do I bother saying that anymore? But here's another example. Not one, not two, but three women answered their door to find a random dude with a home-made tattoo gun standing there offering them a tattoo, and said yes! Now, quelle surprise, they all have an infection and don't know what it is.

Come on. If you find a man at your door with an instrument described as "wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it, you could tell it was a homemade gun," would you pony up and expose your flesh to it? I should fucking hope not! Fools, fools fools fools! This is almost as bad as those people who got cosmetic surgery done in that filthy house.

Stairway To Oops

I shouldn't be laughing at this, and I feel like a horrible person for laughing, but I am. What is so funny about a guy all ready to go set off a suicide bomb falling down some stairs and setting it off too soon? I don't know, but I can't stop laughing. And then I mentally slap myself for laughing. And the funniest part is this guy isn't the first to blow himself up as he gets ready to blow himself up.

Now the Legislators Of Iowa Definitely Need Prayer

Man, people are narrow-minded. The Iowa legislature had its usual prayer at the opening of the session, only this time, it was said by a muslim Imam, and because of that, people are getting all bent out of shape over some words. They claim that it wasn't a prayer, but some kind of political statement with terrorist leanings. They say this because he mentions the great Satan and victory over those who disbelieve.

Here's the text of the prayer, or as close to it as I can get, as shown in the article.

Imam Muhammad Khan of the Islamic Center of Des Moines spoke first in Arabic.
"I seek refuge in God against the accursed Satan in the name of God, most gracious, most merciful," Khan said in English. Khan made no specific mention of the war in Iraq or foreign affairs, but he called God the "master of the day of judgment" and asked for "victory over those who disbelieve."
"As we begin this new year...in a world with trials and tribulations, we ask you to open the hearts of our legislators and policy makers to make the right decisions for the people of Iowa," Khan said. "...We ask that you guide our legislators and give them the wisdom and knowledge to tackle the difficult problems that face us today in order to eliminate the senseless crimes on humanity. Help them, Lord, to solve the complicated problems in the State of Iowa so that we can be a model to the world."
Khan's prayer lasted about four minutes and he closed with a few words for legislators.
"On behalf of the Muslim community of Des Moines and Iowa, I wish you all the success in this year for making the right decisions for us."

Ok, can you see anything wrong with that? That sounded like your run of the mill prayer to me. Now let's break it down. First of all, his word was the "accursed satan", and doesn't every prayer ask for protection against the resident evil in that religion? And with regards to the whole victory over those who disbelieve thing, how do we know he was referring to Americans and other folks? Every religion calls people who don't believe a whole host of names, and prays for victory of those who do. How is this any different?

Man, people are twitchy, and I feel sorry for the Imam and the guy who invited him, because I think he was doomed from the beginning. I think if the guy said he liked soup, they would have tried to jump to conclusions about what soup may have symbolized in terrorist talk. How sad.

Rabies Outbreak

Wow, what a mess. Let's start at the beginning. On a farm near Newton, a dog gave birth to some pups. She was not vaccinated against rabies. She then killed a rabid skunk, and ta da, we have the beginnings of a situation.

It's no surprise that her pups got rabies. They're nursing, licking their mother and doing all those little puppy things. Then, the family sold them to a puppy broker in Chesley who calls itself Feed Me More Pets. The broker didn't bother to ask if the pups' mother had been vaccinated. I know the puppies themselves are too young to get any shots, but the mother certainly isn't, and doesn't any respectable and responsible person selling puppies want to know sort of where they came from?

They took the puppies, along with other puppies, to Dr. Flea's Flea Market and sold them. Ta da! Now we have a true situation. All those pups probably have rabies, since it spreads between animals really easily, and anyone who played with them could have it too.

Weirdly enough, I'm simultaneously angry and thankful for the stupidity of one family, mostly angry. They bought a puppy from this booth because their little boy had been asking for a puppy since Christmas. They saw the price and got all excited and took the plunge! It's families like these that piss me off. If you're going to buy an animal, make it a responsible decision, think long and hard, and don't just get it because the kid has been asking for one. You're taking care of another life. Have the decency to give it some thought. When I used to live out in the country, I would see a lot of these abandoned pets. Once they weren't cute anymore, they were just dumped off to fend for themselves. The main thoughts were "they're animals, they were meant to be in the wild..." or "Somebody will take them in." In response to the first thought, if an animal is raised in captivity, they lose a lot of those wild instincts, and they won't survive. They certainly won't survive an encounter with real wild animals. In response to the second thought, yeah, way to take responsibility.

Anyway, shortly after getting the puppy, it got sick. They took it to the vet and found out the treatment was going to be too much money. Arg! If you're going to buy a puppy, at least expect some outlay of cash! It isn't all fun and games. I guess I can't truly understand until I hear how much the price tag was, but judging by their approach to getting the puppy, it might not have been that much.

So, because the vet bills were too high, they dumped the puppy off at the Humane Society, where it bit a worker, died, and was found to have rabies. The worker has started rabies treatments and they think he will be fine.

Now here's the part where I say why I'm thankful for their stupidity. At least they didn't abandon it somewhere, so it could run around spreading rabies even more, or try to keep it, and not tell anyone until it died and who knows who was infected. At least they took it to the humane society. Then, the word could start getting around so other people can get treated and hopefully all the dogs can be found.

As of now, 2 dogs have died from Rabies, and four others have been quarantined, but there are 6 other puppies running around who could potentially start to show signs. There is a hotline people can call to let Public Health know if they came into contact with a rabid dog, and find out what to do. There are going to be a lot of people getting treated for rabies.

As I write about this, I'm amazed this sort of thing doesn't happen more often. I don't think a lot of pet stores ask if the mothers of pups have been vaccinated etc. There are lots of people who give away or sell puppies at their homes. When I was a kid, we got our first dog that I can remember this way. But I guess most people vaccinate their dogs so they don't get Rabies. What a scary thought, and what a pile of chaos this has created.

The Wheels On the Bus Go...Something Something Something

There's a part of me that wonders if this is a hoax, but if there's one thing I've learned over the years it's not to assume that things this stupid are impossible, so...

Stagecoach has put together a book of instructions for people who have forgotten how to catch and use busses because they've spent so much time using their cars.

Since adequate words to describe the sheer stupidity at work here are currently eluding me, here's a small sample of the helpful tidbits found within.

The guide begins reassuringly with: "Using the bus could not be easier."

Passengers should "first of all decide on what bus you need" and once the right bus has been spotted, with the "number and destination on the front", one should then "signal for the driver to stop".

The guide continues: "Wait until the bus is stopped and the doors are fully opened and step on board.

"When you want to get off, press the bell once. For your safety we recommend you remain seated until the bus has arrived at the stop."

Just...wow.

When asked to comment on the book, company spokesman Steven Stewart had this to say:

"Our guide is not designed to be patronising, it's just answering questions that cause fear and uncertainty when people are thinking of getting a bus."

I don't know about the rest of you, but the only fear and uncertainty I'm feeling right now is over the realization that not only did somebody think the world needed a book like this, but there are people roaming loose among us who will probably find it useful.

Ever Heard The Term "Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover?"

Ug. I have few words for this story, only that people can't read, or think anymore.

If you saw a book with a picture of a family on the cover, with the following words below it:
“A Family Affair: BTC is the perfect fit for the White family.” what would you think? would it be....
a. The family's last name is White. Ya know, the White family, like the Smith family, or the Jones family.
or...
B. That's a little weird, but more reading is in order before jumping to conclusions.
or...
c. you should be offended at this display of racism and call and write immediately.

It's sad, because apparently, a lot of people decided to go with choice C. Guess what? It was about the family of James and Casey White, and if these outraged readers had managed to read 3 pages into the book, they would have discovered that.

Now, the school is tripping all over itself and feeling all bad. Come on! We're talking about a school! What a perfect opportunity for them to teach people to read and think! Why should they cave and start apologizing? They did nothing wrong. They should stand up, say so, and make the people who got all mad look like the idiots they are.

Maybe They Should Steal Some Brains

Attention car thieves: If you're stealing a car to get to your anti-car theft counselling sessions, it's time to go to jail, boys. I don't understand why these kids were getting counselling if they're the worst offenders in the car theft department you can find. And that story about it being too cold to walk? Give me a break. But in case they didn't know, here's a message for them. You know there are these numbers you can call where you can ask someone to come and pick you up and take you somewhere. They're called taxi services. Use one. Oh, you knew about that? I thought so.

I still can't believe that some people are considered so high-risk that they are called once every 3 hours to make sure they're not stealing cars. Is this all day and all night? If so, I hope they live alone, because I wouldn't want to be awakened in the night for the check-in call. Ok, if you need to check on them every three hours, lock them up!

The Lights Are On, But Nobody Has A Home

Hmmm. Even though the house is in ruins, what do you wanna bet the bugs are still alive?

Lions And Tigers And Bears, Oh My!

Here's reason no. 2708396 why we shouldn't deal with China. Look at their zoos! Yeah, this looks like a country who should be hosting the olympics. Be glad you're not a goat or a chicken in China.

Give The Gift Of Drug Company Trinkets

Ok, let me get this straight. an operator of several hospitals and clinics in Minnesota has decided to get rid of all the trinkets that have been given to doctors from drug companies. They say it's a conflict of interest. Great! I understand. But here's where I get confused. They're going to send them to Cameroon! How are a bunch of pens, notepads, mugs and other assorted crap with names of drugs written on them going to help people in Cameroon? It's not like they're selling them and giving the money to Cameroon. They just make it sound like they're going to put the 20 shopping carts' worth of stuff on a plane to Cameroon and send it on its way.

Hey, I'm glad they're trying to find a use for all that junk, but...will the stuff be of any use?

Seek And We Shall Find

We've been noticing a lot of people on live search looking for a certain drunken bus fight on the vomit comet, the bus in Toronto where Matt got the name for our blog. Some of them mentioned YouTube. So, since everybody's looking for it, here it is. Did I get the right fight?

Next time, if you're looking for a YouTube video, try going to YouTube to find it. You'll have much better results.

Smart Kid, I Wish I'd Thought Of That

Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

The Kinda Sorta Return Of The Penis Game

I've noticed something odd over the last few days. It appears that the penis enlargement spammers have finally started to realize that insulting potential customers by calling them names like Johnny Smallcock or telling them that their girlfriends laugh at them while they're fucking bigger guys might not be the best way to...um...well...grow business so to speak. It also seems that during the quest to find the new great sales pitch, they've been studying some mainstream advertising in the hopes that somewhere they'll find the secret to why it works so well and hopefully figure out how they can make it work for them. Actually on second thought, I'm so sure that this is what's happening that I really shouldn't be using words like seems and appears. Why am I so confident? That would be because since Sunday I have received emails with the following subject lines:

• Reach out and bone someone.


• When it absolutely, positively has to be rock hard.

And my personal favourite,

• This is your thingie...This is your thingie on pills...Any questions?

I mentioned this to Carin and she said she hasn't gotten anything similar, so now I ask you, the loyal Vomiteers, have you gotten any of these things or is the internet trying to tell me something it thinks I need to hear? If you have, feel free to share them in the comments or by sending me an email and I'll post them. Who knows, this could be the most fun we've had since the penis game a few years ago. I guess this would be the penis game number 2. Kind of ironic in a way.

Buckle Up Your Beer For Safety

Do you ever wonder if you're an alcoholic? Well, if you buckle your beer into the passenger's seat, even though you don't buckle yourself in as you drive drunk, I think you can safely, er, unsafely, say the answer is yes.

They Should Have Idiot Proofed It While They Were At It

A so-called "theft proof" police car worth about £75,000 was stolen from the Berlin Police force recently when 2 officers left it unlocked and unattended with the keys still in the ignition while they tried to chase down a separate car thief.

According to
Ananova,
not only did they wind up losing the car, but the suspect they were trying to take down in the first place also got away.

And in a wacky end note to the story that should have Germans everywhere questioning the competency of their protectors, police chiefs say that so far there is no sign of the car and no clue as to who may have taken it.

Someone's Brain Rejects Sean Paul's Music More Than Mine Does!

I knew Sean Paul's music sucked, but I never dreamed it would give someone seizures. Like I said years ago, get that babbling fucking idiot off the stage...er...radio! It's for the safety of all!

Yeah, Doing Laundry Is A Shitty Job, But...

Ug! I've been upset that people have left their clothes unattended when I needed the machine, but never have I thought it would be a good idea to take a dump on their load of laundry! Gag! What a thought! He's in jail, and I think if someone bails him out, they will be hunted down by everyone in that apartment building.

You're Going To Jail! You're Going To Jail!

Here's another one for the bongo drum teddy bear shrine home-invasion files.

Imagine this. You're sleeping on the couch, hooked up to a machine giving you oxygen while you sleep. Suddenly, you're awakened by a 27-year-old woman wearing only a shirt and underwear screaming "We're going to egypt" as she tries to strangle you. Your six-foot son wrestles the five-foot attacker off you, but manages to get his nose broken and his wrist dislocated before police arrive and take her, Jennifer Marie Wojack, away. He slugged her once during the confrontation, at which point she screamed "Give me more daddy, I like it, I like it." Wouldn't that be a rude awakening?

The weirdest part of this story is the way it ends. Wojack doesn't remember it, and there's no note about Wojack having mental health issues or anything. She doesn't even have a police record! Well, she does now.

Paging Officer Irony

An unidentified 26-year-old Toronto man suffered multiple stab wounds to his face and arm in an attack at Van Gogh's Ear in downtown Guelph over the weekend. The attacker has not yet been caught, but fear not good citizens, because
Constable Marlowe Sharpe
is on the case!

Best Celler?

I don't know how to feel about cellphone novels. My first gut reaction is ug! Apparently, in Japan, a lot of people are throwing together novels on their cellphones, in text message format, then somehow getting them published, and they're selling like mad! Some of them are on the best-sellers list! If text message-llike writing is literacy's future, I cry.

then I wonder if things are cleaned up in the publishing phase to create a decent book, and if that's the case, is it a good idea? Is it encouraging more writing? Can there be a good thing out of something that appears bad?

Finally, part of me wants to be fair to these cellphone novels and get my hands on one of these novels, just to see how bad it is. My gut says it would be bad bad bad bad bad, but I'm infinitely curious! Has anyone seen one of these? I doubt it, but who knows.

Introducing Microsoft Office Spy!

Microsoft really is trying to be big brother. Now, they have a patent out on something that would allow a computer program to track employee productivity through monitoring their physiology, and if it determined that an employee was stressed, it would tell the boss.

I don't know about you, but if I was working somewhere, and the boss said he wanted to wire me up with sensors that would monitor and transmit my heart rate, temperature, blood pressure, facial expression, and other physiological indicators so he could keep an eye on my productivity, I would consider that an invasion of privacy, and wonder what my options were to fight it. AS of now, pilots, firefighters and astronauts are the only people that can be subjected to this level of monitoring, and I think it should stay that way.

Ug. Microsoft seriously creeps me out.

The Wheels Of Consumerism Go Round And Round

The folks at bus radio must really think people are stupid. They market their station as a way to play nice music on the bus ride to school, play some public service announcements, and have little lessons on how to pass some standardized tests. But who do they think they're kidding? All they're doing is finding a way to push ads at kids as they ride to school.

Let's face it. Kids aren't going to pay any attention to any kind of lesson being broadcast over the radio on their ride to school. They're too busy talking, bugging some kids who they think they should bug today, generally goofing around, or listening to their own music. What a crock. But then again, maybe they'll tune out the ads too.

It's been removed in a few places, but some schoolboards are stubbornly pushing ahead. Hmmm. Makes me wonder if they have shares in McDonalds.

I Can See Burnt Toast!

Here's a dumb invention for you. a transparent toaster. Yup. Now, instead of setting your toaster and doing other things until it pops, you have to stand there and watch your toast for it to reach its desired brownness, and then pop it. And here's the kicker. You can only do one slice at a time! So if you really must watch your toast brown, you can forget about making a sandwich, because when you finish toasting your second slice of bread, your first one's cold! Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Are people really that anal about their toast? I can't believe enough people thought this was such a good idea that they went and invented it.

Is It Just Me...

Or is it kind of funny that the Deseret Morning News sent a guy named Jacob Hancock to report on
a group of anti-porn activists that's trying to get a Gold's Gym to stop using what they consider to be sexually explicit videos?

What a Boob! And I'm Not Talking About The Mannequin

Ok, I love this story, both because it involves a guy getting his weener stuck in a mannequin's boobs, and because British writing is some beautiful stuff. How often do you see the word "whinging" in a news article?

Yup, this guy bought a plastic model of a female bust, sold by a company who makes stuff to be used in display windows in stores. He somehow thought it was a sex toy, and got Mr. Happy stuck in a 24-mm hole in the thing. It's a set of boobs! He then had to get himself out of the tight spot using big scissors, and before he managed to free Willie, he worried he'd have to call in the firefighters.

I guess, after that point, too much blood flowed to his second head, because he phoned the company demanding a refund and saying they should warn people that these aren't adult toys. AT least they had the sense to tell him he wasn't getting any money, but they are wondering if they'd have to put warnings on the mannequins!

Why in hell didn't the dude realize that he was lucky to get out of having a fire brigade laugh their asses off at him while freeing his imprisoned dick and just slink back into the shadows? Why did he then call the company wanting his money back? Oh yeah. He was so stupid that he stuck his privates in an artificial set of boobs. How could I expect him to do something smart now?

From Head to Toe

Ok, first we had doctors giving rectal exams to patients needing stitches in their heads, now we have doctor's assistants licking patients' toes during eye exams, supposedly to test blood sugar. Riiight! There are some weird folks out there.

If The Name Fits...

We're just full of good names today. In a story about a guy who was acquitted of a murder because some evidence wasn't revealed at the time, the prosecutor's name was Rob Junk. Well, I guess that's what his case is now.

Moving right along, in a case where a guy tracked down a man who used to sexually abuse him, peed on his front lawn and then thwonked him with a hoe, the prosecutor's name was Luke Manhood.

Next, we have a Polish researcher talking about the attractiveness of women's legs, Dr. Boguslaw Pawlowski. Hope people don't think his research is bogus too.

That's all I've got for names today. For some reason I thought I had a fourth one. Oh well, it's not often you see three in one day.

The Guide Dog Podcast

This is the coolest thing. Guide Dogs for the Blind, where I got my Trixie-pup, has started making a guidedog podcast! I think it will teach a lot of folks all the things I always get asked, like how long training goes, what all the steps are, etc. Not that I mind answering, but it's nice to have the head of a department answering those questions for me. And this episode is just funny, because they're talking about breeding, and when two grown, respectable women can become giggling little girls when trying to talk about dog-breeding, you know there are certain subjects where we just don't grow up.

It's not clear how often more episodes will be added, so go check it out from time to time. You never know what you will learn!

Stars Are Blind

this
is right up there with
the fire that stopped production of fireproof products a couple years back.

We regret to announce that due to unforeseen circumstances beyond our control, the publication of The Astrological Magazine will cease with the December 2007 issue.

All unexpired subsription amounts will be refunded shortly. We thank all our subscribers for their kind co-operation in this matter

From the looks of that notice, the stars apparently didn't see a proofreader either.

Congratulations

World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100

If You Happen To Know The Answer, You Don't Have To Explain How

If you go to the hospital for a few stitches because you took a wack on the head, what legitimate medical reason is there for the doctors to
give you a rectal exam, especially when you're completely alert and otherwise ok?

If you know the answer to this question, something tells me that Brian Persaud of Brooklyn New York would like to talk to you.

This Is So Stupid I Don't Have A Title For It

An unidentified 22-year-old Town of Waukesha man could soon be facing various weapons charges after committing
one of the stupidest crimes in recent memory.

The trouble started on New Year's day when a car carrying the man and 2 passengers went into a ditch. A passing police officer offered assistance and allowed the man to sit in her squad car to keep warm. While inside, he decided to reach through the cage and snatch the woman's Taser from the seat.

But wait, there's more.

The officer, after taking identification from all 3 of the car's occupants, gave them a lift to a nearby gas station so that they could wait for a ride.

Yes...there's more.

Once the man made it home with Taser in hand, he shot a video of himself and his 41-year-old father using it on each other and then posted it to YouTube. It was discovered and removed from the site a day later, but now the police want him charged with disarming a peace officer and possession of an electric weapon which are both felonies, along with carrying a concealed electronic weapon and theft, both misdemeanors.

So let's recap. Police officer does her job. Douchebag hands over his ID which I assume has his picture on it and then decides to pilfer a Taser out of her car. He then does what any master criminal would do, videotapes himself using it. Then, in one final act of utter retardedness, he posts it on the world's most popular video sharing site for all to see, presumably figuring that nobody will ever find it there.

Yeah, stupid.

But now that I think about it, things could be worse. He could try to turn around and sue the officer and her department for tempting him to take the thing. Hey,
that sort of thing has worked before.

A Bone To Pick With Osteoperosis Drugs

Here's one for the drug side-effects irony files. It's a class of drugs to prevent osteoperosis, but in rare cases, they can cause another condition called bone necrosis. So, instead of having your bones break, some people can have them die. Dandy!

I know it's a rare condition, but how ironic is that?

It Sucks To Be A Clown

So, let's take a poll. How many of you agree with 250 British children in your disdain for clowns? Apparently, every single one of those kids, who ranged in age from 4 to 16, found the clowns frightening.

I never found clowns frightening. Some were a little weird, but some were funny! The only part of a clown's act that I found a little unnerving was when they started making balloon animals. I always waited for the balloon to pop, because on a few occasions, it had. So I would listen to that squeaking noise balloons make, thinking "oh god, at any moment, it's going to pop!" But I never hated clowns, just balloon animals. Am I alone in this?

They Can't Vandalize If They're In Their Happy Place

If you thought the story about British police putting up signs asking citizens to not commit crimes was funny, here's another good one. In Britain, in hopes of preventing vandalism and other crimes at a tavern, police decided to hire an artist to paint fluffy clouds on the windows. I love this quote at the end of the story: "Now I'm waiting for the police to come round with a giant set of speakers to pump out whale noises to deter criminals. It really wouldn't surprise me."

Well, I guess it's better for business than setting up a swipe-card system to only allow admission to regulars, but somehow I doubt it will be effective at all.

Merry Trixmas

Wow! This last little while has been busy! busy busy busy! Stuff to do and people to see and places to go and go go go go go! There's been a lot of going, but not as much working. But it's been fun.

First, we went to this big restaurant full of food. there was a whole bunch of humans there, and they all seemed to know each other. There were little humans and big humans, young humans and old humans. I think some of them looked like each other. They all ate this big meal, and then Carin took my harness off and let me meet them! Belly rubs! Lots of belly rubs! Some of them had dogs at home. I knew that, and went to them first! I gave one of them a face-wash. He seemed to like it. Some of the little humans were just my height. I think I scared one of them. He didn't like his face being washed, and I was told to stop.

The next day, Carin started packing some of my things in a box. It was making me nervous. Was she going to give these things away to another dog? I watched that box. I wanted to make sure I saw where it went.

We loaded it up, and we all drove and drove and drove. It was about as long as it took to go to that place we went to back a couple months ago. But at least I recognized it. It was that big house with the cat in it! That cat doesn't like me! I like the cat, but the cat doesn't like me, so I keep my distance. I even stay still when it walks by. If I move at all, it runs away. It's kind of funny, because sometimes I couldn't care less about the cat. I just want to get my food. But the cat sees me running down the hall and sprints the other way! Silly cat. But she tries to get a look at me. She pokes her head in the door when I'm sleeping and stares at me. I think she's plotting against me. I'd better watch her.

Then we spent a day at another house. It had a cat too! That cat didn't like me either. What's with cats not liking me? But it was a lot of fun. We went to a shopping mall, and met up with some other people for coffee! One of them had a dog with the same harness as me! But I couldn't play with him right there, even though I wanted to. But I got to play with him later, he came over to the house! Luther is a big dog. A big big dog with a big bark. They started to confuse me. They wanted to hear me bark! But Carin always told me to be quiet! So I barked, but not very loud. And ever since, they didn't want me to bark again. They didn't want me to bark when the doorbell rang, when the washing machine started making big noises, when that guy who they know came to the door and hit the door with his foot because his hands were full. Ah, so they don't want me to bark when I want to warn them of something. They just want me to bark so they can laugh at me. Weird people!

Then we came back to that big house with the cat and spent some more time there. I was starting to wonder if I'd moved there.

Man, humans like to eat, or at least they do right now. They just kept making food, food and food and more food. Yummy food and sweet food and food full of turkey and all kinds of food. It makes me want some! But I can't have some, and they chase me away. I try to trick them because my water dish is right in the area where they make food. So I try and see if I can find any crumbs on the floor when I'm coming over to get some water.

We did a lot of walking around shopping malls. Shopping malls with food courts where people drop things! Oh the temptations! I spent a lot of time with that gental leader on my face. That stupid gental leader. I wish it had never been invented. I want! it! off! my! nose! But I can't get it off. Paws won't do it, I can't rub my face on Carin or she gets mad. But I want my nose to be free!

Then we met more big humans and little humans. These humans looked more like Carin's dad, and they all ate some more. Is that all these humans do? Eat?

I've figured out a couple of humans are Carin's brother and sister and they're not even the same age! She only has one brother and one sister? And none of them were born at the same time? What's wrong with her mom? I had four brothers and three sisters and we all have the same birthday! I wonder where my brothers and sisters are now.

Eventually, all the humans started going their own way, and we loaded up the box and got back in the car and drove and drove and drove...and ended up back here! Yeah! Home again! We didn't move to that house with the cat! I was so happy, I ran ran ran around the house and bounced and played with some bones I hadn't seen for a while.

But then, the house was full of strange people! There were a couple of humans who I knew from before. But then there were others I didn't know. They made lots of noise and stayed up for a long time. A lot of them couldn't see where they were going, so I learned to go to my bed after I'd sniffed them all and they'd petted me enough. When some of them slept, they slept on beds on the floor, and if I walked up to them very quietly, I could maybe sneak a lick without getting busted. Wow! Sleeping humans at my level! That's new!

I was just starting to wonder if life was ever going to be normal again. Or, was this the new normal? I had to admit It was fun. It wasn't really bad. Then, all the people left, and it was just me, Carin, and the fat man with the nice balls. Ah, I think it's over. What a time that was!

The Holiday Post AT A Not So Holiday Time

Ok, so it's January 15 and I'm finally writing a post about Christmas and such. Um, I suck. Hopefully I don't end up boring people to death.

Christmas was actually a pretty good one. Usually, it consists of being run ragged doing a 300-mile trek to see my mom's side of the family...and then potentially coming right back a day later...and then coming back this way again a few days later. Yuck! But this year, we actually got together with mom's relatives early and had a nice big dinner. The only thing that sucked about that was because of the room's setup, I didn't feel like I got to talk to everyone. But, this is a big experiment, so I'm sure it'll be better next year. It's scary how fast those little cousins are growing up. I think the last time I saw one little guy, he was two weeks old. Now, he's 3! Eek!

Plus, when I got home, I actually got to see everybody I wanted to without it being too insane. And I think Trixie finally has a set of boots that will work! Yea booties! Apparently, the last time I tried to get Muttluks, I still had the wrong size. No wonder the poor pooch couldn't bend her legs. But she'll wear these, and they stay on a hell of a lot better. And I think I've almost mastered the booty harness thing. trix doesn't like it, but she needs it. One day, it was really cold, and I wasn't going far, so I didn't booty her up. Then she stepped out of my friend's car, and after a few steps started limping and shrieking! That sound broke my heart and will be in my nightmares for a long time.

I've come to the conclusion that Trixie has my dad wrapped around her paw. As we were driving, he would constantly ask, "How's Trixie? Is she too hot? Too cold?" It's so cute, because dad has never been one to love, or even like, dogs. But he would do anything for her, no matter how ridiculous. Once, I mentioned how Trixie doesn't like being groomed on the balcony because it's cold out there, and dad piped up with, "Should we get a tent and a propane heater so it'll be warm out there?" Oh dear lord no! She'll survive. Ah dad, you're adorable. he went out and found a cool brush called a Furminator for Trix. It's expensive, but man is it ever awesome! Much love to the Furminator. She's even smoother and shinier now that I use it than she was before. Soon, she'll glow!

I think things are looking up for 2008. Why? We had another New Year's party! Last year, we didn't have one, so it was cool to have one again. Although, I felt a lot older this year. I really paid the price for staying up until almost 5 in the morning one night. I wondered how the hell I managed to do that for years before. I look back on how those parties used to go for days and days, and wonder how the hell we didn't go insane. People were only there from December 30 to January 1, but I was exhausted and glad to see them go. Don't get me wrong, I loved having them, but I was dead after those couple of days.

It was a good party, though, complete with some wacky homemade caraoke and lots of laughing. The only part that kind of sucked was one of the guests just didn't get along with, well, anyone. Let's call him Box-of-Rocks. He was brought by another dude who's always at these things, and Box-of-Rocks managed to even shock and appall the guy who brought him. that's impressive! It was kind of weird to watch. I have never seen someone turn everyone against him so fast. I can't exactly put my finger on what turned everyone off, but they were turned off. He was just...odd! He would walk around our house and look through our drawers for no discernable reason. He would move our stuff around, even though we told him to stop. He seemed to think that a lot of us blinks needed to be looked after like small children, even though we're quite capable. His jokes didn't make sense, try as he might to make them into something we would laugh at. He couldn't remember my name! I think I had three names by the end of two days! Through some feat of unexplainable dumbassitude, he destroyed our TV remote! He can't explain how he did it, but after he started carrying it around by the bottom buttons, the lights ceased to blink and it no longer did anything of consequence. The Rogers Video dude just stared at it, took the batteries out of it, put them in a new remote and said, "There ya go, problem solved. You need a new remote." I asked him what was wrong with this one, and he said he hadn't the slightest clue!

But I think the coup de grace was his whining about how the bathroom was always in use, and once, he just couldn't hold it, so...did he, a. wait patiently?
b. Dance in front of the bathroom door, saying how much he needed to drain his lizard?
c. Go across the hall to ask a neighbour if he could use their facilities?
d. Piss in the sink?
or
e. take a wizz off the balcony?
If you said e, congratulations, you either heard the story before, or are wired up exactly like Box-of-Rocks, in which case you need to be studied extensively so we can prevent future wirings like yours.

But oh I'm not done. After all the whining about the bathroom, and pissing off the balcony, our friend Box-of-Rocks thinks a fine time to lock the door and take a shower would be right after another friend gets sick...and not just in the toilet. Yeah! He doesn't even bother to clean it up first. He just climbs over it and cleanses himself. We didn't realize this right away because we'd taken another friend down to meet a cab. When we came back and found him in the shower, oh lordy he heard about it! We were just sad that our plumbing was actually too good to freeze/scald him by turning on the kitchen tap.

But enough bitching. At least this party will definitely be memorable, and not just for stupid reasons.

Looking back on 2007, it was a pretty good year. It started off scary, but it seemed to balance itself out and bring more good things than bad. Of course the biggest good thing is the arrival of the Trixter. I can't believe I've had her home for nine months as of today. Yeah, I sound like a broken record, always remarking about how I can't believe it's been that long. In a way, I can, because I feel like I've had her forever, but in a way, it didn't feel like that long ago that she was brand new.

I hope everyone else's 2007 was good, or at least turned out alright, and 2008 brings many good things. Happy New Year!

Prison Parents

So, let me try and wrap my head around this one. A guy is in prison for kicking another dude to death over a pack of smokes. He meets some woman who's in prison for fraud. He thinks she's the perfect match for him, they get married, she gets out, and he realizes, woe is me, by the time I get out, I'll be too old to make any babies. So, somehow, he convinces a judge to rule that he can send sperm to his wife so she can be artificially inseminated. That's pretty bad. But here's where it gets really fun. Because of that ruling, human rights folk are trying to push for women in prison to have full access to IVF facilities while they're there, so they can have babies!

Pardon? I said pardon? No matter how I look at this, I want to scream.

Let's look at scenario a. The kid will be born in prison, but the other parent, presumably who is out of prison, will take the kid and raise it on the outside. That still sucks for the poor kid, who soon finds out mommy's in jail.

But it's better than Scenario b. The kid is born in prison, and spends its early years in prison! This is not a place to raise children! People are in prison, for the most part, because they did something wrong. Sure, there are some wrongful convictions, but that's the minority! Most people are in there because they shouldn't be on the streets! These should not be the role models for a child! I don't care what experts say about the effects of becoming a parent and how it assists in the rehabilitation process. Thankfully, the article said what I was thinking. What about the well-being of the kid in this whole game?

Ug. What a mess. I don't even know how the guy who's now FedExing his spirm to his wife managed to convince a judge that this is a good idea. Do we really want a kid being raised by mom who defrauded people and dad who killed somebody over some cigarettes?

And here's a message for the women who want to have babies in prison. You know what? If the worst thing that happens to you when you get out of prison is you're too old to raise a kid, you have it pretty good. Maybe that's a consequence of, uh, going to prison for a long time. Suck it up, princess! If you're so concerned about raising a kid, work your ass off so you can prove to an adoption agency that your worthy of having that responsibility. Until then, I guess you're just not a mommy.

Does IM Stand For Instant Missile-Launcher?

Oh boy. People have way too much time on their hands. There's another update to the USB missile launcher! You can now use MSN Messenger to target a contact, of course he has to bee in the same building, and you can use the webcam to observe the results. There are either a lot of easily-amused folk, or folk who are bored out of their skulls at work, or both, out there. This whole USB missile thing is flourishing way too much.

Airheads

I saw an update to the story about the man's mother being hidden by a deployed airbag, and now I have more questions. Apparently, this guy says he had an epileptic seizure which caused the crash, and paramedics claim he stated there was no one else in the car.

Ok, let's start with the epileptic seizure part. Aren't people who suffer seizures prevented from having driver's licenses? I was always under the impression that, no matter how infrequent the seizures, one seizure behind the wheel is one too many.

And, even if the dude being rescued says there's no one else in the car, shouldn't the paramedics have searched it anyway? The guy was critically injured. What if he was in shock? What if he'd been hit on the noggan and wasn't thinking clearly?

Apparently, the lady died within minutes of the crash, and wasn't alive all night. That's somehow supposed to make us feel better. Maybe there was no hope for her, but what if those minutes could have saved her life?

All I can say is I'm glad there are two investigations going on into this whole mess. I can't imagine being left behind under an airbag. What a terrifying thought.

Losing Your Load

I'm not generally a big fan of blonde jokes, but this one gets me every time for some reason.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up to him. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says,

"Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken before, the blonde says brightly,

"Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says,

"Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it,he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

2007 Darwin Awards

These are the real ones as published by
DarwinAwards.com,
not the ones from the stupid emails that everybody likes to send out all the time. You know, the ones that for some reason have the same fake stories in them every year?

RUNNER UP # FIVE:
THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)
 
"Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills," remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-12.html
 
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # FOUR:
SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)
 
June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-07.html
 
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # THREE:
 
BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)
 
January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn.
 
(Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-02.html
 
Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner.
Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases, the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-09.html
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RUNNER UP # TWO:
MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)
 
January 2007, East Germany | One man's extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-01.html
 
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RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)
 
June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof," Sgt. McCants said.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-05.html
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AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...
 
THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)
 
May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!
 
When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.
 
The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.
 
In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-13.html

Full article is
here.

That's What You Get For Believing IN Santa...

Well, it looks like we found our dirty little elf. S/he definitely was little, it was determined the one sending nasty letters to children was...a minor! What are big kids doing being santa? Something seems wrong there.

You Live By The Sword...

Here's today's dose of fantastic irony.

An un-named 26-year old man attempting to shoplift $300 worth of hunting knives from a Meijer store in Michigan got into a scuffle with security workers who tried to stop him, during which he fell and was
stabbed in the stomach by yes, you guessed it, the knives he was attempting to make off with.

His injuries are said to be non-life threatening and he is expected to be released from the hospital any time now.

Yup, He's A Moron, No Question About It

I guess when you're last name is moron, you're doomed to do moronic things like, oh, say, getting drunk and driving your truck into someone's house.

I admit it has gotta suck when your name is Bryan Scott Moron. What a life that creats for you, even if you're not prone to do stupid things.

Names And Babies, But Not Baby names

I'm so juvenile. Despite the sad statement that this story makes, I just find it jumps out at me that a pediatrician's name is Sarah Grope.

But it frightens me that there are enough teen moms out there that they don't mind asking for a month-long maternity leave. But I'm also disturbed that schools say to them that they should be back at school the day after discharge from the hospital. That's a little, ok a lot, extreme.

Age Of Electric

Why on earth would you feel the need to have a combination taser/mp3-player? Why? Somebody explain it to me, because words are failing me right now. Fashion with a bite? That's putting it lightly.

Weekend At Dipshit's

Every time I see the title of this story, I start laughing. You'll see why.

If your room-mate croaks, and you really want his social security cheque, but the dude at Pay-O-Matic says he needs to see said room-mate, whatever you do, don't wheel him down the street in an office chair before you go in. You'll probably not get the security cheque, but what you will get is a crowd of upset folk, a police arrest and a fraud charge.

Dudes, you're 65. You should know that dead people don't sit up like live ones. You're lucky the autopsy came back with natural causes as the cause of death, otherwise, you look like murderers! How stupid are you? I guess you're this stupid.

The roommate, James P. O’Hare, and his friend, David J. Dalaia, both 65 and unemployed, placed Mr. Cintron’s body in the chair and wheeled it around the corner, south along Ninth Avenue on Tuesday afternoon, the police said. The men parked the chair with the corpse in front of Pay-O-Matic at 763 Ninth Avenue, a check-cashing business that Mr. Cintron had patronized.

They went inside to present the check, but a clerk said Mr. Cintron would have to cash it himself, and asked where he was, the police said.

“He is outside,” Mr. O’Hare said, indicating the body in the chair, according to Mr. Browne.

The two men started to bring the chair inside, but it was too late.

Their sidewalk procession had already attracted the stares of passers-by who were startled by the sight of the body flopping from side to side as the two men tried to prop it up, the police said. The late Mr. Cintron was dressed in a faded black T-shirt and blue-and-white sneakers. His pants were pulled up part of the way, and his midsection was covered by a jacket, the police said. While the two men were inside the check-cashing office, a small crowd had gathered around the chair. A detective, Travis Rapp, eating a late lunch at a nearby Empanada Mama saw the crowd and notified the Midtown North station house.

Police officers and an ambulance arrived as the two men were trying to maneuver the corpse and chair into the check-cashing office.

Oh well, you provided some funny reading.

No Defence Should Have Been Enough

We talk pretty regularly around here about how personal responsibility is a dying concept, but I think I've finally found a story that to me not only kills it, but also knocks over its tombstone and pisses on its grave for good measure.

In May 2004, 19-year old Sandra Bergen bought some crystal meth from a man named Clinton Davey. Not surprisingly, she used it. She subsequently suffered an overdose, nearly died of a heart attack and spent 11 days in a coma.

A little more than 2 years ago, she along with her parents decided to sue Davey for negligence. Well, the decision was handed down recently, and even though it was a default judgment because Davey refused to give up the name of the original source of the drugs he sold,
they won,
and can now collect damages.

I can't imagine what this is going to mean for an already screwed up and backlogged legal system. Actually I can, but I'd rather not. By finding in their favour no matter how flimsy the technicality, the judge in this case has opened the door for any idiot who willingly ingests lord knows what to sue the strange dirty man on the street corner when something goes wrong.

I know that the law is the law and that judges sometimes have to do things they don't like. I also know better than to expect common sense from a drug user, but I'll say this anyway. Use your fucking head! If you go out into the street, give money to the creepy guy in exchange for something he probably brewed up in his bathtub using industrial chemicals and then willingly ingest it, you're taking a risk. He isn't taking that risk, you are. Suing a drug dealer because you had a bad night is like suing a brewery because you drank 18 beers and passed out on a sidewalk. Actually it's even worse than that because at least beer is a regulated product, meaning that there are safety standards. When you're buying meth on the black market you have no such protections, nor do you deserve any. So if anybody should be held responsible for your drug problems it isn't the dealer, nor is it the police who failed to arrest him or you before the transaction could be made or you could take the stuff. The person you need to worry about is looking at you every day when you look in the mirror.

Oh My God, I Have Nothing To Wear! .com

I know that a lot of people are really into buying clothes, and I'm cool with that. There's nothing wrong with having a lot of something you like. But that said, if ever the problem of what to wear becomes such an issue that you need
an internet closet assistant,
it might be time to throw some shit away.

Closet Assistant requires the user to manually input their inventory of clothing. Users can simply upload a picture, or go the whole nine yards by adding names, descriptions (complete with category and subcategory), price paid, and purchase date. Once added to their virtual closet, these items can be combined with others to make an outfit. You can then share these outfits with others Closet Assistant users (on a MySpace-like profile page), or schedule what you want to wear, and when you want to wear it until the end of time using the calendaring tool.

Hopefully among the description fields there's one for number of precious life moments lost entering socks into a computer.

The Name Game

Since I somehow managed to miss the hilarity of
Kenneth Sodomsky
even after reading it twice before Carin saw it and posted it, I feel the need to try to redeem myself. So...

1. With a name like this you'd think she'd know better, but apparently not.

Ordered to serve an extra 90 days in jail on top of the remainder of a 5 year suspended sentence for grand larceny and burglary after signing a court document with a note telling the judge to kiss her ass is
Judith Law.

2. I know the spelling isn't exact, but you give me another way to pronounce it.

Arrested on charges of battery for allegedly groping 2 women repeatedly is
Larry L. Letcher.

There, that seems like a decent start.

XP Disservice Pack

So, let me get this straight. Microsoft is admitting that their own file formats are less secure. How? by updating Windows so it denies access to them. Hmmm. How about making them more secure?

It appears that they have realized that this is a bad idea and provided a fix.

Way to go Microsoft, loudly proclaiming that you suck at security.

Carma Chameleon?

I've seen a lot of dumb USB gadgets, but this one is beyond stupid. A USB Chameleon that, uh, doesn't change colour. It just sorta rolls its eyes and pokes out its tongue. At that point, why bother? Do we seriously have that many available USB ports that we can buy pointless things like that?

You Know You're Lonely When...

I love Trixie, I think she's awesome. I sometimes talk for her. But I would never, ever, ever, sign her up to Dogbook. When you start joining your pet up to a Facebook for dogs, and friending other people's pets, you're heading down the road to loserville.

How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take In A Fight?

According to this, I'm good for 18 of the little bastards.
you?

You Have Your Data, So Shut Up

Remember back when NASA wanted to destroy the data from an airline safety study? Well, they decided it would be better to release it, but scramble it, making it impossible for anyone to understand it. Way to go, NASA.

He Definitely Put the Gas in Gastroenterologist

Oh dear, oh dear dear. Someone is seriously disturbed, disturbed enough to study farts in graphic detail.

I mean I'm all for studying those things we don't like to talk about, but...getting volunteers to eat beans and then fart into bags via rectal tubes and then get other people to sit there and have syringes of the stuff waved under their noses? That's just twisted. But I love the terms used in this article.

No Brains, All Hart

Wow. This guy would feel pretty stupid in the morning. Jeremy Hart showed up drunk to rob a house, wearing a red Santa hat among other things, ploughed his car into a snow bank, only took prescription drugs and votive candles, and when he went to leave, he discovered he couldn't get out of said snow bank, and had to knock on the door he just robbed and ask for shelter from the cold. Needless to say, he got some shelter, in a jail cell.

Bluetooth Brings Orange Jumpsuit

This guy was not meant to rob the Wendy's. It just wasn't going to happen. First, he found out the safe was time-locked so he'd have to wait. Then his screams not to anser the phone activated the bluetooth headset on someone's cellphone, which made the person on the other end of the phone call police. But the final straw was when he exited the restaurant with an employee as a hostage, which caused the automatic lock on the door to lock behind him. Done like dinner! Well, not without some strange antics from this idiot on parole. He bashed his own head with his own gun until he bled, and then surrendered. Yup, you belong in jail.

Flooded With Rage

Um, when you think Tsunami aid, do you think programs pushing Australian values on Asians? I didn't think so either. But that's what Australian NGOs have been doing with the tsunami relief money they were given to, ya know, rebuild lives shattered by the tsunami of 2004. Hey guys, I think your audience would be a lot more receptive if they had food and water. How about using the money for what it was intended, and if, miracle of miracles, you have money left over, put it aside for the next disaster.

What A Jerky Thing To Do!

Ok, first we had the police officer who jailed some poor McDonalds employee over a salty burger. Now we have an off-duty police officer whipping out his sidearm over incorrectly-seasoned deer jerky. Are people that nuts over food?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer? Nope, A Moose!

Please someone look at the pictures of this drunken Alaskan moose. Tell me. Are they as hillarious as the story sounds? Can you imagine a drunken moose? I'm still laughing about a moose tangled in Christmas lights eating fermented crab apples until he was drunk as a skunk, but he was a moose. And he's a repeat offender, he's been tagged!

Damn it I'm still Snickering. I must be easily amused.

Whatsky A Perfectsky Namesky

I have to do this, Steve, I'm scooping you. A dude brought a computer loaded with child porn to Circuit City and subsequently got busted. His name? Kenneth Sodomsky!

Speaking Of Odd Studies...

Oh my. There are some very, um, young at heart Scandinavian engineers out there. What a strange thing to research.

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't.

Ok, this confuses me to no end. I've always thought that when someone is raped, she is dehumanized. But this paper tries to claim that the reason Israeli soldiers refrain from raping Palestinian women is because they think of them as not human. What the hell? It's like the researcher is trying to call them bad for not raping women. And this apparently was a serious paper.

Smoking Hole?

I get the idea of getting around a smoking ban by cutting 3 holes in the wall so you can stick your head and hands outside, be technically smoking outside and still be in the bar, but I have two questions. Doesn't it make it cold inside the bar? And doesn't the smell and smoke filter back in?

Holy Imbecile Tender And Mild

I know I'm putting up a lot of Christmas stuff in January, but that's what happens when you've just come out of dialupville, where you budget your time spent on the internet, and then you come home and have a party. But I give you, from Snopes.com, misheard Christmas Carols! Get ready to laugh, laugh, and laugh some more about how Good King wants his applesauce, and round John Virgin is radiating meat from thy holy place, and lots more. Maybe you'll see one from your childhood. I saw a couple, but then again, I am the queen of misheard lyrics.

Very Baaad, Very Very Baaaad!

This story isn't that special, a woman in Dibble, Oklahoma, got charged because her two goats were screwing and pooping and someone saw it, but there were two things that caught my attention. For one, it was in her own yard, and it was fensed, so what's the big deal? And, if animals aren't supposed to relieve themselves in public, what does a dog do when it goes for a walk in Dibble? There must be a lot of out of shape dogs in disgusting conditions in that town, or no dogs at all, because that's just weird.

Everyone Else Can Have a Holly Jolly Christmas Except You.

Ug. Here we go again with the political correctness. There was a publication put out four times a year by a group of psychiatric patients at Cromwell House Mental Health Facility. They decided to copy that ten Christmas Carols for the "mentally disturbed" thing. We have a similar list up on the blog years ago. Anyway, they thought it would be fun to make a little joke in their own magazine, and why the hell not? It's their fucking magazine.

Then, someone saw it who has a family member who has a mental illness, and she got all offended, and because of her being offended, they pulled it!

Why? I would be pissed if a group of psychiatrists put this out with no patients involved, but these were patients! If they found it funny, let 'em laugh! Why should their illness be always regarded with such seriousness? And why can't people stand by their own words anymore?

Airbags Don't Kill People, People Kill People

It's gotta be bad when you're not safe with your own son, and then you're left for dead by EMT's.

It's never explained why this poor woman's son hit a parked car and then drove into a bank, but what is explained is how her son was pulled from the car by emergency medical technicians, but they never bothered to check under the passenger's side airbag, where she was. They just had the car towed, and then the next day the family said there were two relatives, not one, missing. That's when the towing officials had a look in the car, and voila! There's the missing woman! Now she's not missing, she's dead.

Emergency personnel are praying that the medical examiner says that she died instantly, so they didn't leave her alive in the car overnight. Let's hope, for the poor woman's sake, that she died in the crash.

My Zebibah is Bigger Than Your Zebibah

So, explain this to me. If according to Islam, everybody is supposed to pray the same amount, and men and women are both supposed to pray, and it always involves putting your nose and forehead to the ground, how come Egyptian men are just now developing a zebibah, egyptian for raisin, or callous developed from pressing their foreheads into the ground? And how come some people have bigger ones than others? I know everyone has varying degrees of sticking to religion, but it seems that Muslims stick a lot closer to the rules than people in other religions, so you wouldn't think there would be that much variation. And why is this a new thing? All I can think is I don't think it's getting there from praying, and...ouch that's gotta hurt!

Driving Blind

This story wouldn't be worth posting, except for the ending. A 100-year-old Japanese man has been involved in several accidents, but refuses to stop driving, even though his license has been revoked. At the end of the story, they say that in 2009, drivers over 75 will be ordered to get checkups for dementia to continue driving. Hey guys, what about checking something else that is important to driving? How about checking eyesight. They never mention sight, and they don't mention if it's already being tested when a driver reaches a certain age. People seem to be forgetting that old people tend to lose their vision. And eyesight is easier to check. You can either read the letters or you can't. Dementia is kind of subjective.

I'm not saying they shouldn't check for dementia. I just think while they're at it, they should take a look at the old peepers.

Santa Claus Is Getting Shot Down

I just love the title of this story about a helicopter carrying a Santa to a children's party getting shot at in Rio De Janeiro. My Title Isn't Half as good as the one on the actual story. Who knew Santa needed danger pay? Luckily, no one was hurt.