Leaf Trade Talks

Well it's only a few weeks from trade deadline day and Maple Leaf fans, being what they are, are already talking trade. That's not necessarily to say that there aren't some moves to be made but people don't evne think. It's just like "Let's trade our 5th round pick and Wade Belak for Rob Blake". Well, while that would solve our defensive problems it's never gonna happen.

I'm ashamed to admit it because I'm a huge Leaf fan... but too many Leaf fans are retards. Do you honestly think that the Leafs are the only team out there looking for a "horse" on defense to sure up their playoff drive. EVERY team that even still has a chance of making the playoffs is looking for that. Colorado had the best D in the league and still made a move to make it better!

The report that I've heard today is what spurred me to write this. On the table from Washington is a deal that would send Sergei Gonchar to the Leafs for Caro Colaiacovo AND Nik Antropov AND our first round pick next year! That's RETARDED! Even more retarded is the number of people screaming "MAKE THE TRADE! MAKE THE TRADE!" I'm tellin' ya. Leaf fans are dumb! I won't take myself out of that group because I'm a Leaf fan... but there are some of us that stop and think first.

As soon as the name Gonchar was mentioned in the group of defenseman that would be available Leaf fans immediately assumed that that's exactly what we needed and we should give up ANYTHING to get him.

Gonchar is a great offensive defenseman. If you only watch Leaf games and not any other games I'd say you'd compare him to a ... Bryan McCabe. What's that? Yup. Bryan McCabe. Y'know? That guy we ALREADY HAVE! Sure it would be nice to have another guy like that to work the point on the powerplay but if you run out and get him and his salary and give up the farm to get him what are you going to have left to spend/trade on a guy you actually need? Like Bob Boughner. I know he's gone but that's the kinda guy the Leafs need. A physical presence that will clear out his own zone and can shut down other teams top lines.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying DON'T get Gonchar. I'm saying don't make the deal that's on the table now. You give up two of your best young players a year after giving up Brad Boyes for Nolan and you'll also give up your first round pick this year which will be another good prospect.

I know the Leafs are getting old and they need to go for it but as I JUST said... the Leafs ARE GETTING OLD! What happens when these guys retire and you've traded all your young guys? Does anyone remember the 80's for the Leafs. Nothing but losses!

The Leafs need to make some deals but they need to do it by agreeing to pick up salary. They can afford that. They can't afford to give up young guys. We're already thin on those.

Antropov, Colaiacovo and first round pick? Fuck off! Would you like Stajan, Bell and Telqvist while we're at it?

Retards

Truth Is Dumber Than Fiction

Just when I think I've seen the stupidest thing I could possibly see, somebody comes along and tops it. Ok, this story actually more than tops it. It not only takes the cake, I think it baked the fucking thing.

I can't remember which town this happened in but honestly it's not that important to the story. It's somewhere in Canada though and I think it might have been Toronto but I can't be entirely sure.

A woman living in a townhouse complex opened her front door yesterday to find that somebody had left a baby on her doorstep. So rather than calling the police as most of us would probably do in a situation like this once we finished freaking out, our hero decides that she's going to take the kid to the management office of the complex she lives in. Ok, I can understand the thinking there, maybe one of the managers will recognize the kid and be able to point you in the direction of the person who left it, or maybe you can go door to door with a manager asking people if they know who the little guy belongs to. Both fine ideas I figure, it's just too bad that's not what happened. Here's where things go wrong, horribly horribly wrong.

When she gets to the office, our favourite future Mensa member doesn't look for a trusted office worker at all, but rather for reasons that only the truly mentally afflicted among us could even think about understanding, simply hands the kid off to some guy she's never seen before. Yeah, you're reading that right, she just gives the kid to some random guy who in true random guy fashion, promptly fucks off and takes the kid with him. So now the police are left with no names, no missing persons report, and one really big idiot who I'm sure they'd all like to take turns slapping upside the fucking head.

I'd ask what must have been going through her mind, but that would imply that she has one, which clearly she does not.

I'm not sure what we the public are supposed to do to help solve this case, perhaps we should all report any random man we see with a baby to the police so that they can question him immediately and hopefully bring a swift end to this case and reunite the poor baby with his family, or at least with somebody who won't leave him at random houses when they need a babysitter.

Relationship Tip

One of the most common argument starters in any relationship is the toilet seat. A large majority of men have a tendency to leave the seat up when they're finished, seeing no reason for putting it down. For obvious reasons this causes women many headaches and upsets them quite a bit and rightfully so. But men, there is something you can do to help. You have the power to stop the nagging, the complaining, the wining and the arguing over something that should be a very trivial matter and I'm happy to say that the solution to the problem is quite simple.

If you never want to have the toilet seat argument again, all you have to do is piss in the sink. It has no lid, nothing to lift up or put down. Just piss, rince and forget. Another advantage to this is that you can wash your hands and flush at the same time saving yourself the trouble of walking to 2 different places just to use water. And for those of you out there who might be wondering, yes, the tub will work just fine and is actually recommended for those of you with strangely built sinks or severe aiming issues.

I Hate New Music

I have just about had it with new music... or at least the lighter side of it. (i.e. pop, country). I'm gonna tell you why. I will start with the one that offends me less because... I wanna.

This morning I woke up and came upstairs to where the family was getting ready for the days activities. On the radio was the same country station that my mother always listens to in the morning. I'm not a huge country fan but at that time of day I usually don't even notice what's playing. This morning I did. And Faith Hill, as hot as she might be, offended my ears greatly.

I don't know how long it's been out but Faith was doing the old Janice Joplin song "Take Another Piece Of My Heart" and doing it quite badly. As I said before I don't generally like country but I'll admit that Faith Hill has a great voice... but she RAPED this song.

First of all the obvious. This does NOT turn in to a country song very well. The addition of a fiddle and the change from electric to steel guitar does not do the song any favours. It sounds just terrible.

Secondly. Faith Hill is a great singer - Janice Joplin is not. But in this instance it almost seemed reversed. Joplin's voice is very crackly and almost masculin. Faith's... ISN'T. The song fit greatly with Janice's voice and that song made her lots and lots of money because people loved it. Faith performs it how she does all of her other songs, with a high pitched, angelic tone that is great for her but just terrible for this song.

The song was a classic good song and she has tortured it and anyone that must listen to it. She never should have treid to tackle it. She's a great singer but she needed to understand that she did not have the right kind of voice for this song. It was almost offensive.

My second example hurts me more because it takes away from something I personally enjoy... and in the end isn't it always about me? Yes it is.

Two nights ago I was watching part of the Brit Awards and I saw a pop group I'd never heard before called "Busted' (I believe) take the stage and as they did the announcer said something that scared me.

"Now to perform their latest hit, Teenage Kicks, here is Busted!"

I was filled with terror. "it couldn't be" I thought to myself. It was.

These lousy British pop motherfuckers were taking an old old punk song and turning it in to something that would have any punk fan almost in teers.

During the height of the Romones popularity there was another Europena punk band making some noise that doesn't get near the recognition of say the Romones or the Clash. The Undertones were putting out solid record after solid record and had developed quite a large fan bass around Europe and some parts of North America. These boys hailed from Ireland and their first hit was... yup, Teenage Kicks.

The song was not as heavy as many punk songs are now but then neither is most of the older punk. It's not that it's softer or worse... It's just different. Partly because of where music was at and partly because of where instrument technology was at but the song got very big in Europe and you still hear it now on certain Punk shows and compilations from time to time.

The electronic poppy little bastards started up and sure enough, it was the same song. Although, you could barely say the same song. Not once did anyone give the Undertones any kind of credit or even mention that the group didn't have anything to do with writing it. No one even mentioned that it was written, performed, released and making money 10 years before these guys were born. Nope. Just a bunch of teenage girls screaming and thinking their geniouses for such a great song. It almost made me sick to my stomach.

There's all kinds of bad covers out there and punk bands are some of the most famous for taking other peoples songs and performing them... but seriously how much money are they making off of it and how serious are they. Punk Covers are generally something you download online for a laugh. These modern mainstream bands, though, take these songs and put them on their cd's and make millions.

How about the Ataris doing Boys of Summer. I bet you all the 13 year old girls flocking out to buy that album have never even heard of Don Henly and the Ataris sold more copies of that album then of all their other albums put together.

Write your own damn songs you pricks. I could sit here and name off a bunch more things that people never ever should have tried to cover but I thought it might be kind of fun for the comment boards. If you guys got some songs in mind that someone decided they could do a better job in and just killed it... please feel free to throw them on up here.

To me it's just sad that we've reached a level where people can no longer write their own songs. Has every possible musical note combination been used up? Pretty sure it hasn't. Quit being so lazy and if you are gonna use someone elses song you should acknowledge them every time you perform it or have it all over your cd or make radio DJ's give real credit every time they play it.

Fuckin' music. Almost tired of it.

Everything Works Again

If you were here earlier and tried to comment on something but the comment boards wouldn't let you, the problem, whatever it was, seems to be fixed now. It was something to do with the commenting host and it went away on it's own without us having to do anything. This is good because I'd have no clue how to fix it if it was our fault. I'm not sure how long it was down for but it's all up and running again so comment away.

Flawed Logic

A group called The Kaiser Family Foundation has just published a study on junk food addiction and childhood obesity and their findings are in a word, stupid.

The study finds that a large part of why kids are so addicted to junk food and getting so fat is that their are more commercials for candy and snack food than their used to be. They say that as a matter of fact, the number of ads for such things has doubled from 20000 in the 70's to 40000 today. Ok, I'm not going to argue that point for 2 reasons. First and foremost, I don't have any of my own numbers to use to make a good case and secondly because they're probably right, there are a lot of commercials out there these days and quite a few of them are for food.

Here's where I have a problem. As part of a separate but related study, a team of psychologists spent about a year and a half studying the impact of commercials on different age groups. What they found was that children under the age of 8 have trouble understanding that the intent of ads was to sell things and that the claims made in those ads were in fact exagerated. Well first of all let me just say on behalf of anybody who's money went into funding any of this and on behalf of anybody with a functioning brain, duh!

So now the American Psychological Association and the people who did the other study are calling for tighter controls on junk food advertising directed at young children thinking that somehow these new laws are going to stop kids from getting fat. Um, I think you're all missing something here, that being the fact that kids don't have money and that they're not the ones buying all of this crap. If you want to try to change something, why not try to target all the parents who are buying everything just because their kids are asking for it? If Mom and Dad could just say no to little Billy when he asks for the big bag of chips and the 12 gallon drumb of sugar water, maybe the chances of him becoming not so little Billy before he turns 11 would go down a little bit.

Parents are so afraid of saying no to their children these days, it's ridiculous! I know some of them have guns but give me a break, put your foot down, you're a parent for god sakes! My Mom used to say no to me quite a bit when I was a kid and she's still very much alive and well thank you very much. Kids can't have everything they ask for, whether it be junk food, toys, clothes or whatever.

I'm not sure what it is with parents these days but something really needs to change and maybe, just maybe, before we start coming down on the kids for not understanding how commercials work and putting all the blame on them, perhaps what all of these groups should be doing is funding classes for Mom and Dad to teach them the proper use of a small but effective part of the English language, that being the word no.

Irony At It's Finest

If you ever find yourself needing to define irony for somebody, forget the dictionary and just point them
here.

It seems that Eminem has filed a nice hefty lawsuit against Apple Computer, specifically Apple's iTunes music download service for of all things, get this, copyright infringement. Acording to Em and his music publishing company Eight Mile Style the so-called "legal pay per download service" used the song "Lose Yourself" in a TV commercial without permission and then even went so far as to put the ad on a company website. So now the rapper and the publisher are taking Apple, Viacom, MTV and a company called TBWA/Chiat/Day advertising to court for millions of dollars, money that Eminem says that he could easily get for an endorsement deal.

I love it when the jokes write themselves like that, it makes my job so much easier.

Oh My God But This Is Funny!

If you're a fan of wrestling, laughing, or both then you have to click this link, no excuses. It seems that in the 1980's somebody got the brilliant idea of making a porno movie based around wrestling. And now, the folks over at
Wrestle Crap
have done an absolutely hilarious write-up on it. Make sure you've got Real Player or Real Alternative too because this thing even has audio clips and they're a very important part of the whole experience. And don't put off clicking there until later because the link will only work for a few more days before something else replaces it. I won't keep you any longer, you need to go there.

You Ask, I Answer

It's Monday once again and that means only one thing. Ok, so it probably means a whole pile of things, but one of those things is that it's Tone Deaf day so in that spirit,
here it is.

This week I'm answering the questions and such that a few people helpfully tossed my way. So if you want to know how trends get started, just who is singing on "Dream On" or how a big phone company saved some poor bastard from some really brutal self-inflicted torture then this is the column for you. We've also got a little feedback and a new trivia question for you to take a stab at so click on over and have some fun.

Writer's Block

First things first, welcome back Matt. It's good to have you back man and a nice couple of posts about the trip too, I like reading people's opinions on other countries when they don't take themselves too seriously or spend the whole time describing the fucking scenery, I hate that. Nice job.

Now on to the main point of this post. I have to write one of those Tone Deaf columns for Monday but there's a problem. I have about as close to nothing to say as you can have without actually saying nothing. I've got about 2 thoughts in my head that I could probably stretch out to about 5 lines tops. I've also got a bit of reader response but not much that I'll probably use, a trivia question, a winner and well, that's about it really. So having nothing to write about I'm turning to you, our loyal Vomiteers for help. What should I write about? Is there anything in the world of music you want my thoughts on? Do you have thoughts on something to do with music that you could possibly put into written form and send my way thus causing the column to be made up of thoughts from 1 or more of you? Are you wondering about who sang a certain song or what year an album came out? If you have any ideas for me, leave them on the comment board under this post or
shoot me an email.

I hope somebody's got something, because I've got nothin' and nothin' does not a column make. Thank you all so much for saving my ass here if any of you actually do it. If not, thanks anyway I guess, thanks for nothing!

One more thing before I go. Congratulations to
Karine
on winning a new phone. I hope that now that you're all big and important in the world that you won't forget all the little people.

I'll possibly be back later with something, wait and see.

Things for Karine to Take Pride In.... And Work On

Well Karine asked me on the comment board if I enjoyed Scandenavia so I figured that's as good a thing to post on as any... so here we go.

The countries I visited had far calmer and far nicer citizens than what we have here. Canadians are so nice? Bullshit. Go to Sweden. The people in Denmark were nice too but not as nice as the Sweeds. When we got there we were having problems finding our hotel so we stopped and asked a woman to help us out and despite the fact that we were completely butchering her language when saying street names she just laughed with us and even offered to walk us over there.

They were full of understanding and the patrons in the restaurants were more than happy to explain to us what things were on the menu or go find someone else on staff that could speak English if they did not, themselves.

People over there are smaller than here. (in general). When we got to our hotel and went to get in the elevator me and one other guy went and found it tight and then a third behind us came in and that was it for space so we thought "ok, it's just a small elevator." Half way up to our floor we noticed a sign that said "Capacity. 6 Persons". We looked at each other. We had 3 in there and there was NO room. So when we came back down to the lobby we brought a small sign with us and put it as an adendom under the capcity sign that read "6 Persons... or 3 Canadians." The hotel manager, rather than getting worked up, loved it and in fact left it there all week and told us on our last day that she was going to keep it. Everything over there is just so much more laid back.

Karine, my friend. I do have one huge bone to pick with you and I'd like to see you speerhead an effort to fix this. TOO MUCH SMOKE! Here in Canada, you are not permitted to smoke in many public places and in others there are designated areas for it. People just lit up where ever they wanted there and man on man is it thick. It has to be a majority that smokes. I don't know what the legal age is there for smoking either but in the internet cafe that we used there were some smokers there that did not look even close to 16. (the legal age here). If we spent more than 10 minutes in there our eyes were watering and coughing. It was thick. Work on that. This is very important Karine. I leave it in your capable hands to fix. Don't let me down.

We checked out the Royal Palace in Denmark which was really neat to see. We also were supposed to see the Carlsburg Brewery but when we showed up there on the Monday (the last full day of our trip) we were greeted by a sign that said the brewery was closed on Mondays... and only Mondays. A feeling of tremendous crushing defeat hit us pretty hard. If there was a positive to take from it though it is that it made for a great picture. 5 Canadian guys standing around a sign saying "CLOSED!" looking like they're going to cry. What a terrible feeling... but what a great picture.

We saw a Swedish Elite League hockey game while we were there. Good skill level out of the players but the small Canadian contingent of the crowd was getting pretty restless. There were guys doing all they could do to slow up and stop as to not hit anyone in the corners. We could understand and expected them to not go out of their way to hit anyone.... but bailing to your stomach to stop yourself from bumping in to someone else seemed a bit extreme and drew loud, lusty booing from our section much to the laughter and delight of the few Swedish guys that had come with us. The crowd went crazy when two guys bumped in to each other at center ice. Neither of them even fell and it looked like it may have even been accidental. We didn't get the cheering... but joined in anyway. The game ended up going to Malmo (the home team we were cheering for) after overtime and a shootout. If you're gonna see European hockey, I guess you might as well see a shootout.

The best part of the game actually came in the warm ups. Malmo came out first and the home crowd went crazy and they had the big light show and intimidating rock music as they took the ice. Then when the opposition came out the lights all came up and they played the Chicken Dance. You'd see these guys take the ice lookin' all tough and then ease up and goin' "Aw shit. It's hard to look tough now." It was great. You don't see that in the NHL.... I think you should though.

We were going to take the train in to Norway but simply ran out of time. We also wanted to see Stockholm but that was at least a 6 hour train ride from Malmo so that wasn't possible as a day trip. They had outdoor skating rinks everywhere in Malmo which I thought was really cool. It looked like stores and stuff just started them up in the middle of town and they had music playing and there were always kids out skating on them. No wonder the European hockey players are quicker. They can get free ice-time whenever they want. Sure they didn't have sticks but at least they're skating. Our kids have to pay big money for an hour of ice time. Kudos to the Sweeds for that.

One other task for you to get on Karine is to GET A 7 - 11 or something opened over there. Some kind of 24 hour convenience store. I think its great that most stores and malls close at 6. it keeps people happy cuz they're not working their asses off but, god damn, one or two 24 hour convenience store would be great. Most of the convenience stores closed at 6... we found ONE that stayed open until 9 and we thought it was great! I mean after playing all day or being out doing anything you want to grab some chips, or juice or pop or whatever. No one's done with what they're doing at 6. Think of it this way. If you work at a clothing store and you get off at 6 and on your way home you need to stop and grab milk.... where are you going to do it if EVERYONE closed at 6? That was our biggest beef besides the smoke which I don't think can be changed... but this can. I'm sure no one ever there even notices cuz thats just how it is and how its always been but for the sake of your tourists, let's get a few opened up.

Last thing that was nice to see was the lack of homeless people. I don't know what the ratio is compared to here... it may even be higher but we only saw one all week and that was in Denmark. Although he didn't do much to endeer himself to us. We walked by him on the street and the conversation went something like ...

Bum: Hey guys, spare some change?

Bob: Sorry man, Got no change.

Bum: Oh come on! you fat Americans can't expect me to believe you have no money...

jeff: Well you ain't gettin' it now. Fat? maybe. American. hell no.

So i guess the homeless there are a bit more forceful... and really.. no Canadian likes being called an American.... and no one likes being called fat while considering helping a guy out with a few bucks.

So that was it. I really enjoyed it over there. It's so much more laid back and people aren't rushing everywhere like here where it's "ME ME ME ME!". It was a great trip. We'll be going back in 2 years and I'm looking forward to it. And I'll get in that damn Brewery, yet.

These People Are So Nice... And I Hate Them For It

Well I'm home. I've been back for a day or so now but the jetlag was hittin' me pretty heavy so I didn't feel like saying much.

I've read back a bit. There's been quite the flow of comments since I've been gone. Nice to see. Everything from the demise of A-Time's most recent relationship to the unvailing of the already suspected truth about Nick and Gee has drawn some interest.

Since those were the two big happenings since I left I will very very briefly address both.

First. I said about two weeks ago Gee and Nick were the same person... It's nice to be proven right. Thanks Nick. Better luck next time. Steve and the readers here are too smart to let your little slip ups sneak by.

I know A-time pretty well and he is one sexy beast. He'll be back on the horse in no time.

So today is my first day back at work and everyone here has been really interested in my trip and had a million questions which is nice... but it sucks at the same time. I got a week's worht of things sitting on my desk to get to and everyone that walks by stops and says "hello, how was the trip." I can handle that. It's the ones that keep stopping with a new question and who don't take subtle hints of looking back at the screen or short choppy answers well that are bothering me. I have things to do, too... possibly more so than you do today because of my absense. Let me get to it and ask me at lunch or something. It's pretty frustrating, really.

Oh well. They all mean well I suppose. Our team placed second over there so I'd say it went pretty well. We would have preferred the gold but we've never even medaled at this tournament before so the silver was a significant step for us. The competition is definitely stiffer in Europe so just to medal is good and shows good signs as we get ready for the Olympics.

Well that's enough for now. I can't very well complain about people bothering me at work and then not work and post here so I'll get back to it.

A Time's Hard Luck Story

Well I offered the man a chance to talk about his current situation, he took me up on it and now here it is for public consumption. Feel free to leave your own love life stories in the comments section or even send them to me. Let's all drown ourselves in self pity for awhile, we're all far too happy anyway.

And if you feel like showing A Time something that isn't quite love but is still considered nice since he's not about the love right about now you can visit his new website,
The Next Room For Blind Error
by clicking that link there. We've still gotta get around to changing the one on the side of our own site to point to the new place but for now just use this one and bookmark it, I'm sure you'll be back.

And now, here's A Time's story of lost love.

Hello. Figure I mine as well rant to someone about it. So she calls me up n' asks if I wanna eat supper at her place with her roommate. Never backing
down from free food, I opted to go. Plus, I hadn't seen my misses all day. So we eat supper(lasagna) and it's super! Then she drops a hard, yet "innocent"
question.
"Hey, if one of your girlfriends(so to speak) ever cheated on you, what would you do?"
Well, I answered the question politely and honestly, not thinking twice. Jokingly I asked "Why? You cheatin' on me?"
She flips and gets incredibly defensive! Still, I brushed it off like nothing. Next thing I know, we're in her room, the roommate is gone, and we're talkin'.
She breaks up with me JUST LIKE THAT. No warning, no buildup, no nothing. Gawd damn. She gave me 1,001 reasons why she did it, but NONE of them sounded
plausible. Everyone that knew us said we were awexome together. I mean, the day before, she was all over me(so to speak, again)! I got her the chocolates,
she gave me the kisses, and today she dumps me like a bad habit! What ever happened in those 24 hours, I would like to know. But alas, it won't make
things better. She was my highschool sweetheart, and those ones are way too hard to forget. More fish in the sea? Please. This is my sadness time.
Time to be sad. I'm gonna go wash my woes away in a drum of Coca Cola and Pizza Pockets...Thank you for your time, and this rant. VC rules.
P.S. - There's a lot more to the story, but I'm giving you the abridged version, or whatever the proper word is...Kinda depressed right now, just wanna
go be with myself. How emo of me...

For Those Of Y'all With Girl Trouble

It's funny the way things work out sometimes. I came here and read A Time's comment about his girlfriend breaking up with him and then like 20 minutes later I found
this,
which is a real service. I figure maybe it's something that he can use, and maybe a few of you could use it too, who knows. At the very least it's good for a laugh.

Here's just a little bit of info about the site. If you can read this and then not click that link you're a better man than I.

Tired of your friends and family telling you to get a girlfriend?
Want to make that certain someone a little jealous?
Need a confidence boost? Just feeling lonely sometimes?

With an Imaginary Girlfriend, you can carry on a completely fictitious, yet authentic looking relationship with the girl of your choice.

Browse through our site and choose your favorite girl to see what she can offer as your Imaginary Girlfriend.

Just make up how you met and include any details about yourself that you want your new girlfriend to know. Within days you'll receive personalized love
letters by mail, e-mails, photos, special gifts... even phone messages or online chat. Every Imaginary Girlfriend is unique.

The girls are real. The relationship is not. When your time is up you can break up with her for whatever reason you decide, and she'll write you a final
letter begging you to take her back. Our service is easy-to-use, lots of fun, and discreet. The privacy of our customers and Imaginary Girlfriends is always
protected.

There I go again, helping the people.

It Ain't Pretty, But It's Here

At long last there is a new Notes From The Tone Deaf posted over at Salty Ham. You can checkit out
here.

Poor Bastard

Man, would
this
ever suck. To make a slightly longer story just a bit shorter, I'll explain what happened for those of you who may not want to click the link.

Some poor guy in Greece was just minding his own business looking at some nice internet porn when what should he come across among the videos of couples getting it on but a film of his wife going at it with somebody else. Now being the good husband that he is, he informed the police in an effort to have the clip taken down in an attempt to protect his wife's privacy. One small problem, registration for the site required members to send in pornographic videos or pictures of themselves in exchange for free access so she was more than likely well aware of what was going on here. The reason I say that is because according to the story, the only reason buddy found this video in the first place was because he was trying to figure out why his wife was spending so much time on the net.

So if you think that you're day isn't going so well just stop and think about this story again and I'm sure you'll start feeling much better.

Interesting Statistic

According to a recent survey, 63 percent of men say that at one time or another they have had sex in the shower. As for the other 37 percent, it seems that none of them have ever been to prison.

Realization

I'm a firm believer in the idea that in a lot of cases, therapy is a waste of time and money. I'm one of those people who likes to try to solve my own problems and whenever possible, try to find reasons for why I am who I am today. Last night I was able to do such a thing and I just had to mention it, all in the name of sharing.

Last night I got thinking about my social life, specifically the fact that getting girls has never come easy for me. Don't get me wrong, I can do it, it's just that I've never been one of those people who can pick up with the greatest of ease or who had girls falling all over themselves for a chance to be with him. I did however have a lot of friends like that and to be honest, I'm not sure how they did it. They were nice enough guys and everything but a lot of the time I thought that I was nicer, or smarter, or funnier, or all 3, though probably not as good looking, which is certainly part of the problem since people as a rule are shallow pricks. Wow, feel the happiness. It's true though, people are so rapped up in the look of things that they completely miss the personalitymost of the time and then wonder why they can't find anybody who will treat them well and make them happy. I've got news for you, deeper people are out there, they're the ones you bitch to constantly about all of your shitty relationships. But ok, let's get back on topic here.

I realized yesterday that my marginal success with girls isn't a new thing, or something I had to grow into. It started almost immediately from birth. Let me explain.

I come from a family of 3 children, of which I am the oldest. As a baby, I was fed by bottle. My younger brother and sister on the other hand were both breast fed. Now stop and think about that for just a second. My mother didn't try the breast feeding experiment on me, her first born son and then realize it wasn't for her and switch things up for the next kid, she bottle fed me and let the other 2 have at the boobs. That's like the ultimate form of rejection. I mean if your own mother, the person who gave you life won't let you suck on her tits even for the purpose of nourishing you, what are the odds that some stranger you meet later in life is gonna let you do it just for the hell of it? They're not very good, that's for sure.

Now aren't you glad you read that all the way to the end? I wonder how many people thought that I was getting all deep on them there, come on now, be honest.

Here's An Idea

I think that the penny should be phased out. It serves no practical purpose that I can think of. Vending machines won't take them, penny candy all costs at least a nickel these days, you can't make change for them, hell, I even read somewhere that every penny costs 2 cents to make, meaning that every penny you spend is a money losing venture, what's the point of keeping them around? All they do is annoy frustrate and confuse.

Just think of all the aggravation that would be avoided by getting rid of them. For one thing we could finally round the prices of things up to the nearest dollar instead of that $4.99 shit that stores try to pull on us to make things seem cheaper than they are. I mean come on, does that ever actually work? Have you ever had this conversation with somebody?

You: "Wow, I can't believe you paid 500 bucks for that!"
Other Person: "I didn't pay that much, it only cost me $499.99, it was a bargain!"

I don't think that's ever happened in the history of the world.

But what about taxes you protest. Wouldn't they screw up this whole rounding up thing? Just think about Canada, the tax on everything is 15 percent and that's an odd number. Fair point, but I'm pretty sure I've got that covered too. I'm no math major so if this wouldn't actually work let me know, just be nice about it. You'd have to change the amount of taxation on everything, my vote is for decreasing it to 10 percent, the government doesn't need that much money on every pack of gum you buy, they're bleeding you dry in countless other ways every single day, they'll survive.

And under my plan, you'd never have to stand at a checkout counter waiting for 1 cent in change ever again and you'd never again have to suffer the humiliation of coming up 7 cents short on an item that is priced at something stupid like $3.46. Everything would cost a dollar, or 5 dollars, or 8 dollars, always even. No more checkout people who can't count to 20 without taking off their shoes screwing up your change, no more standing behind the old lady digging through her purse to come up with exact change when she's got a 5 in her hand, no more of your wallet making your pants fall down because it's so stuffed full of bullshit change that you can't ever use for anything, none of that will be a problem anymore. The more I think about this, the better it sounds.

But I do understand that no plan is perfect and this one is no different. There would be some minor disadvantages associated with doing something this radical and there would certainly be some changes we would all have to make.

For instance, you wouldn't be able to offer anybody a penny for their thoughts anymore, but that's ok. I find that most of the time when I do that I'm left wanting my money back anyway so no big deal there.

You wouldn't be able to toss a penny in a wishing well anymore but again, that's ok. Those things never work. For years I've been wishing that the next guy to use the well would fall in, it's never happened, not once. It's just a big cash grab for the mall and they're fooling all of us. Don't let them win.

So you see, all of these changes are very insignificant and I don't think that they would really impact anybody's quality of life in a truly negative way. And even if there is some minor inconvenience, it's nothing compared to the back problems that women everywhere will eventually face from carrying around purses full of loose change.

I think we should all unite and start a movement. We should all write to our world leaders and demand the banishment from society of the penny and all currency like it. Spread the word to your friends and have them do the same. Either that or we should all just watch hockey and do nothing. Either way, the penny's gotta go.

Jesus Christ On A Crutch!

I really hate computers sometimes. I was a little over half way through writing a whole big post on this whole Conan O'Brien insulting French people thing when my computer decided it would be fun to just crash for no reason causing me to lose everything. I'm not sure if I'm going to try writing it again or just let it drop because the whole situation is insanely stupid anyway but until I decide, why not just go and read
the Salty Ham No Way Out Roundtable instead?
Some of my writing is in there so it'll hold you over until I post something else.

Pick A Card, Any Card

Since finding that perfect Valentine card for your special someone can be difficult, I knew that when I came across this link I had to pass it on. There are a lot of cards to choose from here and I'm sure you'll find something to suit your needs perfectly.

Yes guys, melt her heart with touching poems like:

When we made love
this morning
I was struck by an epiphany:
You're so much better
in the sack
than your little sister, Tiffany.

And I've personally yet to see anything sweeter than this.

No love is more grand,
nor possesses such grace,
as when you close your eyes
as I cum in your face.

They even have some cards for that special person who used to be in your life.

The awful, painful fact is
that I miss you every night.
I need some target practice
and perhaps a laser sight.

There are pages and pages of these things at the following link. You can even mail them to people so they're the perfect way to let somebody know that you're thinking of them.
Click here and spread the love!

Big Sugar

Just a quick note to let you know that if you're looking for something to read when you're done with all the new stuff over here that I just posted a review over at Salty ham. I did up a review of a Big Sugar Cd.
To find out which one it is, click here.

Don't forget about the poll question a little ways down the page, feel free to comment on that as well.

A Question For You All

I asked this on the comment boards but just in case some of you miss it but still have an opinion I'll ask it here too.

After I posted that bit about Nick and Gee yesterday myself and 2 or 3 other people were lucky enough to have land in our inboxes what I consider to be one of the most incoherent and stupidity-laced bits of babbling idiocy that I've ever had the good fortune to read. Luckily, being the forward thinking individual that I am, I saved a copy of it for possible future use.

Now my question is, should I bother posting it? Like I said on the board, part of me wants to post it so that you all can laugh at the absolute retardedness of this whole situation but part of me doesn't want to give the party involved any more attention than he's already gotten. So what do you all think? If you'll do me proud and roast the guy over an open flame I'll be more than happy to allow that but if you all think this has gone on long enough I'll let it drop and that message will never see the light of day, at least not on my site. But having said that, if you vote for me to post it but more people vote to have me not share it publicly, I'm still more than happy to provide a copy to any interested party who might ask for it either by email, MSN or comment board. My email address is all over this site and there's a comment link right at the end of this post. Sorry, if you don't already know my MSN info, you aren't getting it unless you're one of those people who I've talked to but just haven't ever done the MSN thing with. If that's the case then just shoot me an email and ask for it, that's no problem.

Ok Vomiteers, the choice is yours!

Haven't Done This In Awhile

I haven't had a good excuse to break out the strange search terms bit in awhile because honestly, there hasn't really been much worth mentioning on that front lately. Search engine hits on this place have been way down lately, pretty much since the updates started getting really slow so maybe that's our fault, who knows. When we were getting search hits they were either innocent ones or more of the same old stuff that we've beaten to death. But I noticed this one yesterday and it made me curious.

11 Feb, Wed, 18:25:04
Google:
comet it tastes like vomit

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is it a line from a song or a story or something or is there somebody out there who is actually trying to track down puke flavoured space objects?

Thoughts? Ideas? Anything at all?

Wonder No More

Lately on the comment boards there has been a lot of activity, a lot of which has involved a mysterious guy by the name of Gee. I'm sure that a lot of you have your thoughts on who he is and I think it may have even been mentioned once or twice on the boards before but now I'm here to prove it. So now, once and for all proof that Gee = Nick. Observe.

This morning when I got out of bed and turned on the computer I swung by the site here to check on the comment boards as I normally do but on this day I wasn't prepared for what I was about to find. Under Matt's post about the boy with the new arm penis I found the following new comments. First I present you with this. Pay special attention to who is doing the talking here and then look long and hard at the name and date stamp at the end and see who is supposed to have written it.

Gee, come on, now. Stick to the subject. It's about creating a new body part and such. Gee, stop reading between the lines. Matt didn't put it there just so he can feel good about himself for putting it there. You just want to create contraversy here. Matt didn't do that because of him being gay. Gee, just so you know, back when you tried to take Joe and I out from that 'organization', you didn't finish the job. We're still here.
Gee, in closing, I HAVE CONTROLLED YOU BEFORE, SO I CAN CONTROL YOU AGAIN!!!
Gee | 02.11.04 - 1:59 am |

That's funny because I know a writing style when I see one and that was undoubtedly Nick. And if the writing isn't enough I want to mention that I'm well aware of who Joe is, and he's somebody very close to Nick. And don't forget that Gee never uses the word "I" at any time. But yet somehow Gee is supposed to have written that as a threat to himself? Methinks that something doth smell rotten in Denmark. But wait, this gets better. Again, pay special attention to the style in which the comment is written and then even closer attention to the posting name at the end.

That was Gee (that's me) who accidently had made a fool of himself. The thing is, Nick and Gee are close friends. Nick pulled one out on Gee, making him look like a fool.
And, in conclusion, I made Gee look so foolish that in this instance, Gee can be controlled.
nick | 02.11.04 - 2:02 am |

So our hero, realizing that he's just profoundly fucked up 3 minutes earlier tries to make things right but ends up fucking up again, and doing so twice I might add. Notice that he started off in full on Gee mode and then switched back to Nick again right at the end. Now if that doesn't scream Nick trying to work the boards then I'm not really sure what does. But now watch as he finally gets his shit together, well almost together anyway. At 2:04 AM, Gee finally returns to write as himself, or does he?

Nick, so what if you had decided to pull a fast one on Gee...typing as if you were Gee all along?
Now, one thing that won't happen, is that THIS ISN'T THAT 'ORGANIZATION'. I haven't finished the job? Well, Nick. You've just asked for it.
Go Gee Go
GEe | 02.11.04 - 2:04 am |

Um...why is Gee's name suddenly spelled wrong? I think we all know why but just in case we don't, I'll explain something to you. Our commenting system remembers who you are so you don't have to keep filling in your information every time you want to say something. A handy little feature, one that I quite appreciate. And given the fact that Nick and Gee are supposed to be entirely different people it makes no sense that A they would post as each other by coincidence and B that Gee's name would suddenly have capital letters in the wrong place at the exact moment that Nick realized just how deep he'd dug the fucking grave I'm tossing him in right now.

So I guess all that's left to say now is go Gee go, and take that fucking idiot Nick with you.

Ok, smart people of the comment boards unite, and have a blast, I think you all know what to do here.

Help Wanted

Over on
Salty Ham
in the music zone we've got a new section that has just been launched and we're looking for people to write there. It's a classic album reviews section where you can feel free to write reviews on any album ever made no matter how old or what style it is. If you love it or hate it, here's your chance to tell the world about it. If you'd be interested in contributing then shoot me an email at
sendstuffhere@rogers.com
and let me know. I'll write you back and tell you how the process works and what you have to do to be considered for a writing position.

We're also looking for weekly columnists in music as well as for people to review new albums. The address above will work for that too so feel free to use it.

Thanks for any response to this, you'd be helping us out a great deal and you'll be giving yourself the chance to have your writing displayed in a public setting for all to see.

Just Say No

I come across some really weird things when I'm looking for topics for my radio shows but I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like this, which is completely true by the way, you absolutely cannot write stuff like this. I also want to say that even though I've been known to drink heavily at times, I can't say that I've ever had the urge to do this, especially not more than once.

Dog rape attempt goes astray
From correspondents in Bangkok
February 4, 2004

A THAI man was mauled when he drunkenly tried to rape a dog which fiercely resisted his advances, news reports said yesterday.

Police in Samut Prakan province, on Bangkok's southeastern fringes, told the Thai Rath newspaper that Toryip Rawang, 33, had been drinking heavily with
friends before Monday's incident.

Toryip was questioned by police after residents of the area notified local authorities when they saw the bloodied man walking along a road.

He told police he noticed a brown female stray dog wagging its tail and "acting sexy" and pulled it into some tall grass by the roadside.

But the dog resisted, biting him on his face, chest and arms before he gave up his attempt and tried to stagger home.

Under further questioning Toryip admitted to previously raping three dogs while he was under the influence of alcohol.

He told police he always became aroused when he drank heavily but did not have enough money to pay a prostitute.

Police said Toryip had been given a rabies shot and was not charged with a crime, but he had fled his home in an apparent effort to avoid public ridicule.

Cool Story Of The Day

I heard this on the radio again this morning and I think it's definitely noteworthy.

Scientists in Russia have successfully grown a new dick for a Russian, teenage boy. They graphed the skin and allowed it to grow off of his bicep.(try explaining that in the summer). The graph was a complete success as, miraculously, the body excepted the cells and allowed it to grow.

Last week the doctor's were able to remove it from the arm and put it in proper place and it is responding in the same way that any other aritifically grown manhood would (however that is). Word is that it is as gooas normal and he'll go on to live a normal life. Things will be good for the boy as well.

Oh by the way. If anyone is curious as to what happened to the boy's original one-eyed Johnson, the reporters were good enough to tell us. It was fried clean off of his body when he urinated on what he quickly found out was an active electric fence. Keep that in mind, gents, next time you figure there's no harm in pissing on someone elses property.

So Tired

Hey, Everyone.
Well the updates have been few and far between just as we said they would be but I didn't expect it to be like this. At leat not on my own end.

I got back from my Montreal trip on Monday afternoon and went in to work on Tuesday. That was a day of catching up on what I'd missed Friday and Monday. On Wednesday I woke up at about 3:00am with a sever case of projectile vomit. I didn't go in to work on Wednesday as the day got progessively worse with chills and some lovely head aches. Thursday was not much better so I stayed in bed most of the day again. On Friday I got my shit back together and went back in to work and tried to resume a normal life.

It was then that I noticed my Internet Explorer was royally buggered and wouldn't let me on. It's not even like it won't find sites, the program itself just will not open. So last night I got MSN Explorer up and running and I'm using that as my browser now as I still can't get I E running. So that's where I've been.

Tonight is the NHL Skills Competition. I love this stuff. It shows the players in kind of a laid back atmosphere just showing what they can do and having fun. I'll be havin' some people over for some beer and pizza just to kinda enjoy it. Tomorrow is the actual game. I'm not always a huge fan as in the actual games I like a bit of intensity but it should still be enjoyable. I'm sure I'll still watch.

Only 3 more days until I jet off to Sweden for a 3 day competition. We'll be there for 7 days but most of it will be spent getting over jet-lag before the competition. The day in between the end of the competition and the trip home will be spent in Copenhagen Denmark checking out the Karlsburg Brewery. Hang over on a trans-atlantic flight. Should be great.

Hopefully I'll get back with something more later. If not.... well don't be surprised.

Whatever You Wanna Call It

I saw a story on the news today about a 58-year-old man who was killed after he crashed his car into a tree. After telling us all about the accident the news girl said that police are saying that the man died of natural causes. Well, I suppose that when you stop and think about it, trees are nature so that's not entirely inaccurate...

Just One Of Those Things

I was watching a bit of the morning news today when I got up and I happened to catch a segment called Your Say. It's the part of the show where they read some of their viewer mail on the air and give the results of the daily poll question. The question of the day had something to do with something that happened at the Super Bowl so I'm told, something about a boob, I don't think it was a very widely publicized incident. But enough about that, that's a whole other post for another day. What they wanted to know is whether we the people thought that the worldwide titty flash would spike record sales for either of the people involved. I don't even remember the results because as they were flashing them up on the screen something hit me, something I'd never thought about before.

Along with the percentages for yes and no, there were a number of people who voted for undecided. My question then is this. If you have no opinion, why bother voting? It's not like someone's holding a gun to your head saying "answer the question even if you say I don't know," it's a web poll, you can choose whether or not you want to participate. Think about it. In order to let the entire world know that you have no feelings one way or the other on a given subject you actually have to take the time to log onto the internet, punch up the website and then vote in the poll. And it's not even like you're going to get your name mentioned on the show, all of those polls are completely anonimous. No names given. You're just lumped in there with all the other losers who can't make up their minds and wanna tell us all about it.

I wouldn't even care if it was a telephone survey and they just asked you a bunch of questions, you agreed to participate in that and sometimes you just don't have an answer. But nobody's forcing you to vote here so why not just spend the time it would take to do that to I dunno, get a life or something? I just don't understand people sometimes. We all have this compultion to be heard, even if we have absolutely nothing to say. And if you need some proof to back that statement up, just think about how popular blogs are. Ok, I think I've said too much now. More later.

Where'd Everyone Go?

Well look who's back... Ya. I know you were hoping for Steve but it's just me.

I'm back from Montreal and weighing in one gold medal heavier. The Championship game turned out to be a good one for the very reason that this tournament in unique from others. The Men's Final pitted the defending American Champions against the defending Canadian Champions. Obviously, the Canadian side was going to win and the final score turned out to be Ontario 6 Pennsylvania 3. You just don't get that at Canadian or American Championships as you only play against those in your country. These "Open" or "Invitational" tournaments are great for that as you see the top states and provinces go at it for North American Bragging Rights. For anyone who's interested the final standings (or at least the top 4) after the tournament were.

Gold: Ontario
Silver: Pennsylvania
Bronze: Nova Scotia
4th: New Jersey.

On the women's side.... well I don't know. I hardly watched any of it. It was two American teams in the final though and that was... not cool. I believe the final game saw Michigan take on Colorado. I did see the very ending. The two teams after going head to head went to center court, shook hands and together delivered a rousing USA chant in Montreal. (Canadian soil for you Geography buffs). If that doesn't get the Canadian women motivated for the Olympics, nothing will. It would make me sick to be sitting in the stands watching as my American peers walked in to my building and kicked my ass bad enough that Canada wasn't even represented in the finals. Then to watch them deliver that little message. If Canada doesn't show better next time then there's something wrong for sure. I mean kudos to the Americans for winning it all... but they've left an impression on the Canadians... or at least I hope they have.

Well I'm back for just a little more than a week. I leave next Tuesday for some Scandanavian touring. I'll be there for about a week and will suffer a few days of jetlag upon my return. But hey, Steve told you things may slow down for a bit. But I'm sure I'll have lots to say upon return from that. I mean hell. It's the other side of the world, god dammit. Maybe I'll go visit Karine! haha. What's for dinner there, friend? Have a cold one on ice for me if you don't mind.

Well, not much else to say for right now. I'll get back... sometime.

This Post Has No Title. Wait, Yes It Does.

If I ever meet the guy who invented bubble gum flavoured toothpaste I'm gonna hoof him square in the sack. And before you ask, yes, I am in a good mood today. The fact that I'm going to limit myself to a single kick to the nuts on a guy who had the nerve to unleash something so horrid on all of humanity should tell you that I'm feeling rather jovial at this time. Seriously, this stuff is some of the worst tasting shit that you could ever hope to inflict on yourself. There really needs to be a warning label on tubes of the stuff that says "NOT FOR USE BY ANYONE OVER THE AGE OF 7," or perhaps one that says "WARNING: PRODUCT TASTES LIKE ASS"

It's not even just that it tastes bad, but it's for how long it tastes bad, an well, pretty much the whole experience of using it now that I stop and think about it. The first thing you'll notice when you realize that you're using bubble gum toothpaste is the flavour which as we've already covered here isn't what any sane person would call good. This is followed closely by the realization that your mouth, rather than feeling clean and fresh as you would expect when brushing your teeth, actually is developing a nice healthy coating of dirty feeling film. And try as you might, nothing you can do is going to get that taste out of your mouth for a good half an hour or more. I'm about 27 minutes and 3 glasses of water removed from my last cleaning and every sip of water still tastes like gum, each one more than the last. I just stopped and ate a little bag of those fruit snack things and a couple of peanut butter cookies and I think the gum taste is almost gone though I'm not entirely sure and I don't want to declare victory too early. And I just realized something else. Now that I've eaten all that candy, I should probably brush my teeth again. God damnit! I just can't win.

And to make matters worse, I have to use bubble gum toothpaste every day until next Friday afternoon. It's all they have at the place where I'm staying right now. There's nothing I can do about it. It's all they have, it's free and I'm getting paid to be here. So kind of like trying to figure out Matt's spelling and back translate it into English, the torture continues.