You're Welcome

I saw this a while ago, but it was in the era where my brain couldn't think. Ah well, better late than never.

We've heard that not reopening the elevator fast enough can earn you some bumps, bruises, and some thrown pasta. Now, we have another dispute over manners, only the one expecting good manners was the victim.

Jay Rogers held the door for someone, but did not receive a thank you. So, he pursued the man, asking for a thank you. The man ignored him. So, he chased him outside, at which point the non-thanking fellow put his stuff in his car, whipped out a gun and shot the manners nazi in the stomach.

There's apparently a video on this thing, although I can't find it. If anyone does, tell me. Does the victim sound like Ned Flanders? That's the voice I've saddled him with in my head.

Leaf Blower Turned Car Blower Upper

Hey Joseph Williamson. Did you know why they say not to operate electrical things near gasoline? Because sparks can ignite the gas. So do you think it's a good idea to use an electric leaf blower to siphon gas out of a tank? I guess you realize it's not now.

Williamson is alive, but his arms are kinda crispy, and I think the car is destroyed. And do you know why he was siphoning the gas? He noticed his girlfriend's car had the lid off the gas tank, so worried someone had put sugar in the gas. Well, either way, the car is kinda gone.

Maybe A Few Inmates Will Think He's Dead Too.

Melvin L. Jackson is pretty stupid if he thought his reasoning was good. Either way, he's creepy.

A woman was walking when she suddenly felt lightheaded and went to sit down. She passed out, and Jackson raped her right there on the sidewalk. Someone saw it and started screaming for help. When he was arrested, he said he thought she was dead.

So...that's supposed to make it all better? Maybe he went to the Mark Dixie school of defence strategies.

Exercise With Your Dog

Saw this on a couple of lists, laughed, so I thought it could have a place here.

Exercising With Your Dog

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

Now The Owners Of The Spa Will Sweat Profusely

Ok. Is it ever a good idea to wrap yourself in mud, plastic, blankets and cardboard boxes in an attempt to detoxify yourself of...who knows what? Also, while you are intensely sweating, something this is designed to cause, is it a good idea to not drink water? two people found out it wasn't such a great idea, and one of them is no longer with us. I'm surprised more didn't need trips to the hospital.

If they had done this the week before in that crazy heat, I would have called them super dumb and not just dumb. The things people will do for some weird health benefit.

And what pushed this over the top for me was the spa where they did this was a place in Quebec called "Reine de Paix." Translation? Queen of Peace. Well, one visitor of the spa found eternal peace, that's for sure.

A Flash Of Cash On Carden Street, Version 2.0

I plugged the first one on Twitter but for some reason or other never got around to posting about it here, so I'm not going to let that happen again.

Rob Campbell had a great idea a while back. Since things have been so hard for the businesses on Carden Street these last few years, we should pick a day and time, head down to Carden with at least $10 and buy something. Lunch, musical instruments, whatever you want/need. There's all kinds of stuff down there, so you're sure to find something.

The first one went ok, with something like 35 or 40 people meeting up from what I was told. Carin and I couldn't go at the appointed time, but we made up for it later on. The point is just that you go down there and show your support and let the businesses know that you're thinking of them.

Here are the details on the one coming up this week.

August 4th, 12 noon.

Same minimum purchase of $10 as the last time.

Come, buy, stroll, enjoy the afternoon.
Lets show these business owners that we feel their frustration and that we support them as neighbours, fellow Guelphites, and fellow businesspeople.

Maybe more than one councilor will show this time. (Cam Guthrie participated in the last one, good on ya Cam!)

If You Lost Your Keys In #Guelph, I Might Know What Happened To Them

I have to do this first.

Ohmygod that was dumb ohmygod that was dumb ohmygod that was dumb.

Ok. Movin' right along.

I was walkin' along. Doo dee doo dee doo. I was walking with a friend, who is a very nice person. Suddenly, she spots something shiny. "Hey! Keys!" she exclaims. "Oh no! That can't be good at all! Someone lost their keys at a bus stop. Oh no!" I tell her to go pick them up and look them over real good. Do they have something identifiable on them? "No, nothing!" she says. "Oh no, what to do what to do?" We were on the steps of a house. We asked the owner of a house nearby who rents out parts of her house to other people if she recognized the keys. "No," she says.

My friend really wants to do the right thing. I'm thinking we should take them with us, ask our super and then the super of the building across the way, then call the police and Guelph Transit since this house is right next to a bus stop and find out what lost 'n' found we should drop them off in.

But before I can say any of this, she

...

...

hucks them into a mailbox of the house right there!

Excuuuuuse me? There are so many problems with this.

1. We don't know whose keys those are, so how do we know that that house is their rightful home?

2. We also don't know who lives in that house, and how honest they are. We can pray that they are, but we really don't know.

3. When that person finds those keys, they'll be wondering why in hell they got mailed a set of keys, which will prolong the process of getting them reunited with their rightful owner.

4. How do we know the owner of that house isn't on vacation somewhere?

and 5. Just how in the bloody hell is some random person who lost their keys going to know to contact that random owner to get their keys back? The house owner isn't going to be able to connect with the person because the keys don't have anything identifiable on them. So unless they happen to know them, all that poor person will be able to do is put them in a lost 'n' found, what should have been done in the first place...if this person is smart and honest, that is.

I gave her a right bit of hell for that act of stupid. I love her to death, but if those were my keys, I would not want to know what ditwad had thrown them into the nearest object they could be stashed. That is not being helpful. She tried to get them back, but of course you can't, because it's a mailbox! John Q. Public should not be able to get *in* to the mailbox from that side.

So, if you took a bus in Guelph before July 31, 2011 at about hmmm 12:30 p.m. or you happened to be at the bus stop on Kathleen near Speedvale for the no. 7 bus and lost your keys on a set of steps, please leave me a comment. I will drag my friend out to the stop and get her to read me the street address. Being blind, I can't very well go out and do it myself. Then we'll try and work to get in contact with the owner of the house so hopefully you can get your keys back.

I have felt guilty about this since we left the stop, so this is my way of trying to do something productive.

And allow me to apologize for my friend again. Whether she's a friend or not, that, was, dumb!

Hey Kids. How About Instead Of The Park Today We Go Out And Shoot Things? Sound Fun?

I was having so much fun with people on Twitter today, and then this came along.

Kelowna RCMP are shaking their heads after a mother let her five children shoot pellet guns from their moving vehicle.

The mother admits she was aware of what they were doing, but thought they were just shooting at road signs.

A man living on Geen Road in Kelowna says the kids pointed the gun at him and shot his vehicle as their vehicle passed. He called police at 2:30 p.m Tuesday.

Listen. It's long weekend time. I'm already on my second beer. I shouldn't have to sit here and break down everything wrong with what you just read. If you need it explained to you, you need a hysterectomy or male equivalent performed on you, preferably with a fork and no sleepy gas.

Happy Holiday for Reasons Unknown But We'll Take It Day, Canada. Don't do anything as stupid as this while I'm gone, ok?

The Stop Making Us Cry Department Is The Most Efficient One In Guelph

Update: Here's a video report from CTV News. Guess what, the city comes off just as ridiculous and out of line on film as it did in print. And I must say, the Rasos cranking up themusical protest again brings me great joy.

You know what I'd love? For people to stop using their legal departments to slap folks with libel notices because some obvious satire hit a little too close to home. Yes, city of Guelph, I'm looking at you.

GUELPH — The city has threatened legal action against a Carden Street merchant and the Guelph Mercury over a recent email comparing city staff to the Three Stooges.

Libel notices were received Wednesday at the Mercury office and by Marc Black, owner of the Hempire store.

The notices refer to an email Black sent Saturday morning, which included a photo of the famed comedy trio and a suggestion it depicted a specific city manager and “his expert team of planners” working on Carden Street construction projects.

The email was sent to members of city council, a couple of city staff members – including the named manager – and a handful of downtown business, including the Mercury.

Really, that's all this guy did. And considering what's been going on down on Carden street and for how long, they're lucky that's all he did. Businesses are getting killed downtown and it seems like almost nobody wants to help them. Are the project managers intentionally trying to turn this into a giant clusterfuck? My guess is no, but that doesn't mean those most impacted by what's happening and the lack of communication from city hall about it aren't allowed to feel that way and say as much. Hey, he was even creative and lighthearted about it. Nobody's life was threatened and nobody went to anyone's house to read a threatening letter as has happened in other situations. The only thing that was threatened is somebody's poor wittle feewings, and that's not why most of us in this town pay taxes to keep lawyers on staff.

I love Guelph as it is, but man, just think of how much better things could be here if the folks in charge were as quick to work on real solutions to real problems as they are to lay the smack down on some poor bastard with a legitimate gripe.

They Could And They Did. Thanks For All The Help

Victor Burgos sounds like he'd be perfect flashrob material.

A fugitive from upstate New York who taunted police on his Facebook page to `catch me if you can. I'm in Brooklyn' has been arrested.

The Daily News says U.S. marshals and NYPD detectives tracked Victor Burgos down to an apartment in Brooklyn's Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood Monday night, sitting at his computer with his Facebook page open.

Burgos, 29, issued his challenge to the cops at the best possible time, that being right after his mug shot was placed on the 10 most wanted list maintained by the Utica Police Department. He made things even easier when, according to another report, he posted a video of himself walking into an NYPD stationhouse on YouTube.

At some point he either began to wise up or somebody did it for him, because his messages to the police were deleted sometime before his Monday night arrest.

Burgos had been wanted on several domestic violence and harassment warrants.

Your Future Is In Good Hands...If You Happen To Be A Master Criminals Tag

Until right now,I had no idea that flashrobs were a thing or for that matter, what a flashrob was. And since you being the mostly sensible lot that you are probably don't know either, I'll let this explain it.

A recent incident that was initially described as a "flashrob" was a theft that occurred inside a Victoria's Secret store in Washington, D.C.

Basically, the groups organize themselves on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. They then go into the store, distract the employees somehow, and grab merchandise, The Daily Mail reports.

Other incidents have been reported in the Georgetown area of D.C., and in some cases the robbers even pose for the security cameras, according to The Daily Mail.

Some experts have said that "flashrobs," which are usually coordinated by younger perpetrators, probably give the thieves a "rush." Some of the videos have even been circulated on YouTube, The Daily Mail reports.

So yeah. A flashrob is pretty much a flashmob composed entirely of highly radioactive levels of moron. It's moron in such high concentrations as to amaze me, and if you've been around a while, you know that takes some work.

But on the up side, the sustainability of our little operation here has just been guaranteed for the foreseeable future, so thanks for that, I guess.

Even Master Criminals Get It Right Now And Then

Remember Joshua VanSlyke, Anthony VanSlyke and Gregory Williams? They're the 3 nitwits who turned down plea deals and opted for trial even though the video they made of themselves talking about busting into a house and then doing it was in evidence and all over the internet. Turns out that strategy wasn't as stupid as it sounded.

Instead of the 21 months worth of jail and 3 years probation they would have gotten had they taken the deals, each was just sentenced to 180 days.

Isn't the justice system grand?

He Should Have Said He Was Quality Control For The Condom Department

It's been about 17 years since I've been inside an American Walmart, but considering some of the people I remember seeing there, I figured shoplifting a couple boxes of condoms and then heading into the women's room for a little less than quiet private time with them and some naughty pictures on your phone like Brandon Jelks did was just something that happened on Tuesdays. Interestingly, one of the Walmarts I visited on that last trip was in Indiana, if memory serves. Wonder if it was this one.

An off-duty cop working security at the store was then summoned. When the cop confronted a startled Jelks, 20, as he exited the stall (“with his pants unzipped”), he claimed to have accidentally gone into the wrong bathroom. Jelks was handcuffed and brought to the loss prevention office where a search turned up two boxes of condoms that had been shoplifted from the store, according to an Indianapolis Police Department report.

Jelks explained that he had used two of the condoms while pleasuring himself in the women’s bathroom. While being detained, he also reportedly told a Walmart official that he “had a sex problem” and went into the bathroom “to look at the women” while masturbating. While he was doing this, Jelks noted, he was looking at pornography on his cell phone.

He now also has a being held in the Marion County jail problem, an indecent exposure problem and a criminal trespass problem. Not sure what you steel for those, but at least there's a bathroom nearby if he figures it out.

These Two Should Think About Moving To Failureberg

If that old saying about looking up things in the dictionary and finding pictures beside them were true and if a picture dictionary existed containing a definition for complete fucking trainwreck, Juliette Dunn may well be found there.

Police said they spotted Dunn and Jefferson sitting at the playground, the young children on the ground next to them. As officers approached them, police said they spotted an empty 40-ounce bottle of Steel Reserve beer on the ground beside the boy. They said a baby bottle next to the baby contained a dark liquid that smelled strongly of an alcohol beverage. Dunn was identified as the children's mother.

Police said witnesses told them that Jefferson had handed the bottle of beer to the boy and ordered him to chug it. When he had finished it police said Jefferson called the boy an alcoholic.

Both children were taken to Bridgeport Hospital where police said both the boy and girl tested positive for alcohol and the 10-month-old also had cocaine in her system. While being examined, police said the 4-year-old told a social worker he likes, "Natural Ice beer, Budweiser beer, but didn't like the taste of Dog-Bite beer."

Jefferson is Lisa Jefferson, a friend of Dunn's who apparently gives the 4-year-old a beer every day. Dunn seems to have no trouble with this arrangement, but is perplexed as to how her daughter tested positive for cocaine because, as she told police, she doesn't breast feed her.

Both dunn and Jefferson were charged with two counts of risk of injury to a child and two counts of second-degree assault. they're both in custody on $100000 bonds.

And all of this, it's worth noting, took place in Success Village. People often ask what's in a name? In this case, I think it's pretty safe to say nothing.

Don't Arrest Me, I'm A Witless!...I Mean Witness!

You and your wife just finished slashing some tires in an apartment complex and pulling a knife on a family that tried to chase you down. Your wife has been arrested, but you escaped. What do you do now? I wouldn't have come up with this in a million years, but apparently the answer is come back to the scene, find a TV reporter recording a segment and pretend you're a witness so you can film an interview. Yes, it went about as well as you'd expect.

Police were looking for the suspect’s husband, who, they said, ran from the scene. He later approached Cook during her report, to speak as a witness to the crime. When a Channel 2 photographer recognized him as the man police were looking for, officers arrived and arrested him.

"Plajorize. Let No One Else's Work Evade Your Eyes." Tom Lehrer

Soundtrack time, and I think this is the weirdest soundtrack by far.

I read about this a while ago, but it was during the time when I had no ability to think to write stuff. But it still pisses me off, so much so that I allowed my Qwitter home buffer to grow a huuuuge balloooon bottom just so I could find the story easily. Yes, I'm weird.

Apparently, this all started on the graduation day for University of Alberta's med school class. Philip Baker, the dean, gave a wonderful, moving speech. It was so moving that students googled some of the words and terms in the speech. And what did they find? This speech was not his, and had been stolen, almost word for word. What makes it even worse is the speech was full of personal stories about patients and this other doctor's family that the dean claimed as his own.

Ahem. To anyone who has ever been to school, let that slosh around in your brain for a while. Slosh sloosh slosh. What did they drill into us as students? Plajorism is a serious offense, you can be expelled, and it's plain old dishonest. You can't even use one of your own works for two different assignments. Slosh sloosh slosh. It's stealing. Slosh sloosh slosh. And then, after these students work hard for years to make it through one of the hardest programs there is, this is what they get as a graduation speech? Fifteen minutes of stolen, although slightly altered, material? And this is from the guy who's supposed to be their example. This is the kind of stuff students get busted for.

So, rightfully so, the class raised a royal stink about it, and I think that's awesome. It takes a lot of balls to call your dean out on something like this...although I think since the piece he stole was published in the New Yorker, the university would kind of have no choice but to believe them. And, the university took them seriously, and forced Baker to resign as dean.

Yea! Justice is served!

Except...

They are going to allow him to come back and teach.

Excuuuse me?

If I found out I was being taught by Philip Baker, I would seriously consider dropping the class. I mean, how could I take him seriously? How could I respect him at all? If I were the type to be tempted to be lazy, I'd plajorize everything. Then when he ran it through a checking tool and tried to bust me, I'd tell him I thought that was the sort of behaviour he wanted to see in his students, given his stolen speech. They say he doesn't have the moral authority to serve as dean? I say he doesn't have the moral authority to teach anyone. Once you've committed such an act of academic misconduct, any moral authority is gone. Gone gone gone. Professors are supposed to be examples of how to do things right.

People were really worked up about this whole thing. I mean, how many faculty meetings have 400 people attend? I just hope the graduating class isn't too discouraged by the outcome. They did the right thing. It's just too bad the university didn't follow through to the level that I think they should have. Giving him a four-month leave of absence and then letting him come back to teach just isn't enough. If they want to bring him back, bring him back to sweep floors. I think he has the moral authority to do that.

So Long?

Wow. This story of the family of a missing man having a memorial service and declaring him legally dead is just weird.

I don't blame the family for wanting to move on because it sounds like they're pretty sure he's gone, and it has been 7 years, but I just keep coming back to what if he isn't? Wouldn't it be weird to walk into somewhere and get told "Um, sir? You're supposed to be dead." And I know that sort of thing has happened before.

I hope some day the family of Willy Bruder get some answers. What a horrible way to lose someone.

Austin Lounge Lizards Questions Answered. Yea!

Woohoo, some questions I had about the Austin Lounge Lizards in this post have been answered in the comment below! Thank you, Marchbanks, for all the cool answers.

Lessee if a native can clear up a few points for you . . . (2) Yes, that's really Cornhusker Refugee. Somebody keeps using a bad scan and not proofreading. (4) No, you got it—Wendell is a 7-Up delivery guy who gets shot for being stupid enough to go in without enough experience to back up his firepower. (7) Yes, there is one place in Texas they like: Austin, where they all live (or did, until Tom moved to North Carolina in 2011). That doesn't keep them from poking fun at Austin, too. (12) Yes, Virginia, there is a Chester Nimitz Oriental Garden in Fredericksburg. It's attached to the Nimitz Museum there, and was given (I believe) by the people of Japan as a gesture of reconciliation. Fredericksburg is largely a German town, so having this song in classic oom-pah-pah style is sooooo appropriate.

Cool! And now I want to listen to the album again.

Termite

I just tweeted this, but I figure while I wait for everyone to unfollow me I might as well kill off the rest of the readership.

After a long day of work, a termite walks into a saloon and asks the person behind the counter, "Is the bar tender here?"

It Doesn't Matter Anymore

I haven't always been the biggest Serena Ryder fan. In fact, I still think she kinda sounds like a sheep in Weak in the Knees.

But I can give credit where it's due, and she deserves some for this cover of It Doesn't Matter Anymore. This is really good stuff that makes the song feel completely different, arguably more like it was meant to feel considering the lyrics.

Here's Buddy Holly's version for comparison's sake, and just because it will always be awesome.

Text Message Shorthand For The Elderly

I got a chuckle out of some of these, and I'm sure they'll come in handy for a few of you.

We've all seen the texting shortcuts used by kids -- LOL (Laughing Out Loud), CUL8R (See You Later), etc. It's time older folks got in on the action -- yet our daily concerns are different from youngsters'.

With that, expect to start seeing these shortcuts from your older friends:

ATD - At The Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend Fell

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

and...

TTYL - Talk To You Louder

"Dude, Did You Hear That?" "Yeah, It Sounds Like Us Getting Hauled Off To Jail."

There is, as it turns out, such a thing as being too high.

Just ask the two unidentified fellows in Effingham County, Georgia who essentially busted their own meth lab after apparently doing a little too much quality assurance testing.

Deputies responding around 4 a.m. to the home outside Savannah were told by the pair that people in a back bedroom had broken into the home, but no intruders were found.

Ehsanipoor said deputies realized they were hallucinating. He said "they were so high they called 911 on themselves."

The Savannah Morning News reports the suspects face several charges including manufacturing and possessing methamphetamine.

Why Do You Need To See ID? You Already Have It

Cases of people leaving things at crime scenes that lead to their undoings are a dime a dozen these days, so it's nice to see that there are still folks out there willing to go the extra mile to keep things interesting. Kenneth Morgan, 48, is certainly one of them.

Not content with simply dropping something or forgetting to pick it up, Morgan decided to leave pretty much everything he owned at a home he was robbing when the rightful owner returned and caught him in the act. While Morgan escaped through a kitchen window,

• his backpack
• passport
• cellphone
• keys
• prison ID complete with photo
• birth certificate
and
• a signed tenancy agreement

weren't so lucky.

Police had no trouble tracking him down, and were unmoved by his claim that his backpack had been stolen by a fellow criminal who planted it there to set him up.

He has since been returned to jail, a place he had only been free from for 3 weeks before this escapade. He now has 6 years to think about what he's done, and to work on getting all that stuff replaced.

He Gave Police A Leg Up On Catching Him

Ya know, it's criminals like David Phillips that make police work look easy.

He stole a bunch of jewellery and other things. But they noticed at one crime scene that there were a series of right footprints and crutch marks, and whatdya know? They led back to Phillips' apartment. Phillips just happens to only have one leg. Time to hop in a police cruiser and hop off to jail.

His lawyer said something that just sounded wrong.

John McLaughlin, defending, said: "He is hoping a prosthetic leg will be available soon which will enable him to lead a more active life."

Uh, I think he's already too active.

For The Moment, I Am The Man!

I haven't been doing the pay-per-view prediction contest updates here like I did last time for whatever reason, but if I'm going to do one, today is as good an excuse as any.

We have a new leader and there is a tie on top one more time. After getting the high total for this month with fourteen points, Ben Elsen jumped from a tie for 34th place into a tie for first. He is joined in first by Steven Wettlaufer who was one of the four people with thirteen points this month and he jumped from a tie for 22nd place. MacLeod fell out of first place but he only dropped into a tie for third place with Shadow Company. There are sixty-six people within ten points of first place.

That's right, I'm winning! Yeah it's a tie, but I'm still friggin winning! This could be the only time I get to say that all year, so I'm gonna enjoy it!

The only match pick I didn't get right was Randy Orton vs. Christian, but that's ok. I was picking based on what I thought WWE would do, and I was pleasantly surprised to be wrong.

Speaking of pleasant surprises, I was expecting my Daniel Bryan winning the Smackdown Money in the Bank prediction to be a total dud, to the point where I almost wrote in and changed it before deadline time. But I promised myself I would never change a pick, and more often than not that's been a good decision. Now WWE, please don't make Daniel the first person ever to fail when cashing in the briefcase like I have this terrible feeling you might. That would be a bad decision. At some point that needs to happen and if done the right way it could add a lot to a feud, but this really isn't the time.

Just for fun, let's see who's winning the Ryan S award of excellence so far this year. Waaaaaay down at the bottom in 209th place we've got somebody named Clement Natale who's walking around with 2 big points. Hope you didn't need that $10 for anything, my friend.

Before I go, let me leave you with a word of advice. If you didn't see the show last night, go out of your way to. It was one of the best WWE PPV's in years. The divas match was pretty terrible but it doesn't take long. Besides that, this is as close as you'll likely ever come to getting your money's worth on a $45 wrestling pay-per-view. This was everything that Wrestlemania should have been. It was exciting, it had great atmosphere and the action didn't disappoint. I can't wait for Raw, and I don't remember the last time I could honestly say that. It's pretty easy to shit on WWE these days, but last night was a great job all around, even better than I had hoped for. Now I can only hope that the follow-up will be just as good.

I'm winning! Wooooooooo!

Disorder In The Court!

Here comes another one who hasn't learned that trying to beat up court officials probably won't work out so well. This one, after being held in contempt of court at a domestic violence hearing, tried to take out the judge. I guess she didn't see court security, but they sure saw her. Down she went. Here's some happy footage.

And what the hell. Is her last name Hardwick or Hartwick? And oy. What's with all the rough sentences?

Speaking of sentences, hope she likes jail.

Archie's Getting To Her Jughead

The story of female CEO Nancy Silberkleit of Archie Comics scaring her employees sounds way too out there to be true. But on the other hand, could anyone make this stuff up?

The report says several employees complained about Silberkleit's vile antics, which include asking if sex toys were stored in an office safe and saying, "I need to adjust my balls."

She has also burst into meetings to rant about male private parts, according to a letter sent to her co-CEO Jon Goldwater.

"On April 20, 2011, \[Silberkleit\] walked into your office again and referring to a book yelled out 'PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS' and then said, "My balls hurt."

The suit accuses the comics big of "inappropriate behavior" and says several employees are fearful of her "erratic" behavior and her bullying.

They must be pretty serious, they're in a lawsuit trying to bar her from coming into the office or going to a comic convention.

My question is how does someone this nuts keep her job? Was she always this weird, or did she just snap one day? How long has this been going on?

At any rate, I'll never think of Archie comics the same way again.

Ten Finger Seany On The Fourth Day Of July...

Soundtrack time!

Why am I so amused by the image of a guy getting himself pretty crisped up by grinding up fireworks in a coffee grinder? Sean Michael Ogden was trying to break down smaller fireworks to make bigger ones. All he made was a big boom, a big boom that shook the house of a fire inspector a quarter of a mile away. He's lucky he's even alive.

Burning Cross, Meet Right Cross.

Ha ha ha ha ha. I love stories like this.

It all started in a bar. Daren C. Abbey walked up to Marlon L. Baker, a random black guy. He started yelling at him, telling him to get out of town, that blacks weren't welcome here. Baker thought he'd just walk away from him. But Abbey kept chasing him, and eventually came at him. I guess he didn't notice the shirt Baker was wearing. It said "Spokane Boxing Club Champion". Well, he might read it now. Baker knocked Abbey down with one punch. Now Abbey is in jail, and Baker wasn't injured. I think Abbey's the one who's not welcome anymore.

Taddle Tail

Doing this provides me with a lot of chances to ask questions. Questions such as seriously, how do you forget to bring your pit bull home from your crime spree?

While investigating a string of burglaries that took place in the city Sunday, police found a pit bull left behind at one crime scene, Seattle's KOMO-TV reported. One of the investigating officers recognized the dog as belonging to a 19-year-old man.

Police officers went to the man's home, and allegedly saw some of the stolen items. They later returned with a search warrant and found more items that were reported stolen.

the unidentified man was charged with residential burglary and currently resides in the Lewis County Jail. NO word on where the dog is staying or if it's tried to walk off with anything while it's been there.

Another Case Of Social Nutworking

Holy crap. The people with which we share this earth.

I know that a lot of people are really upset about the Casey Anthony verdict. But this is just plain old nuts.

In Oklahoma, some drug-crazed woman nearly killed some woman with her car because she looked like Casey Anthony. She waited for her outside her job at a convenience store, then chased her for a while and then started ramming her with her van. Luckily, Sammay Blackwell, who is decidedly not Casey Anthony, is ok. But holy hell. First of all, we don't need vigilantes running around, and second, try being in the right state first!

"Ah but Carin," you say. "This woman was on drugs. That's all it was. A woman under the influence of things who decided to take action based on the news item du jour." But it's not just this woman. Oh no no no. There is a poor unfortunate Casey Anthony in Pennsylvania who is being threatened, badgered and otherwise harassed on Facebook and by phone. What makes this one even worse is This Casey Anthony is a 43-year-old black dude! Seriously! A dude!

People. I know you're upset. But although it may be gratifying to find a target and fire, what do you think this does to the poor target if you get the wrong one? It won't bring Caylee back. If you want to do something productive, help advocate for changes in the law. I know it's harder than spouting hatred and hitting send, but it has longer-lasting, more positive effects.

And Stacey Champion thought she had it bad.

Head Office Called Me About The Elevator

Bleh. That wasn't the most wonderful update I've ever had.

Williams and McDaniel called me back. And the short answer is they're not going to do anything about the elevator's alarm system. Until it totally and completely breaks, and they have to replace it with a new one, this alarm bell ringing to nowhere is what we've got.

I chuckle. This poor woman is trying to make me feel better by saying a. that they spend lots of money keeping the elevators maintained so they are safe, and b. every building has a manager on site. Except, she's talking to someone who got stuck in the o so safe elevators, and they kind of don't have a manager who lives in this building, haven't for nearly four months. She tries to inform a resident who has lived here for five years what is and isn't present. Oops.

I tried to explain to her that for the most part, the elevators seem safe. But *when* they do break, boy howdy is the person inside in a situation. No cellphone signal, no one to hear them scream or kick the door depending on what time they take the elevator, nothing they can do to get themselves help.

I don't know what I should do now. I mean, in five years, this is the first time I've been stuck in the elevator. But it's a really scary feeling knowing that *if* I ever do get stuck again, which is known to happen even in the best elevators, I have 0 things I can do to get help. All I can do is scream, pray, scream and pray.

I know that I could take the stairs, I guess. but A. that's a lot of stairs, and poorly lit ones, so I would have to wear my headlamp so Trix could see to navigate them, and b. what would someone do if they couldn't take that many stairs? Just because my legs work doesn't mean someone else has that choice.

I'm amazed at how complacent fellow residents are when I tell them about getting stuck in the elevator. Some just say "Oh it happens." Hmmm. I doubt they were ever on the inside of that thing when "it happened" or they wouldn't be so relaxed about it.

Over all, this place is a nice building with nice neighbours, and the property manager really does give it her best from what I've seen. I could be living in far worse places. But this elevator thing, it bugs me. I would like to make my point clear, and it is important, but just how do I do that effectively? I don't want them to tune me out either. This walking a fine line stuff...it's hard.

But that's the latest and not so greatest.

She Was Milking That Breastfeeding Mother Thing For All It Was Worth

Here's another sign that I'm either losing my touch, or I've seen one too many weird news stories.

It was all over the net. Har har, it was also all over her car, but ya know. Anyway, the story of Stephanie Robinette was everywhere.

I guess she and her husband were at a wedding, and then she got a little tipsy. And then a little angry. And then a little slap happy...at which point hubby called the cops. When they showed up, she had locked herself inside the car, and would not come out. When they decided to physically take her from the car, she unleashed one of her boobs and sprayed the cops and her car with breast milk. I guess she took lessons from Toni Tramel

And I thought I read somewhere that she's a school teacher! Hmmm.

Prickly Situation

I saw this a little while ago and knew I wanted to post about it. But my brain still was pretty fried, so nothing happened.

I'm sure lots of times, parents have said they'll kick their kids out of their car and leave them behind. Of course, they won't do it. Well, this parent did. The poor little guy. Not only was he thrown from the car, but he was covered in cactus needles. Luckily, somebody saw him and got him to a hospital.

Ow ow ow. Oh yeah, and ow.

Don't Forget To Sort That Into The Orgasmic Waste Bag

I really have become quite jaded. I can read a story about a woman chopping off her husband's penis and think "Meh, whatever." But a couple things about this one caught my attention.

After she had, um, removed his thing, she put it through the garbage disposal! Oh dear. Unlike John Bobbitt, he ain't gettin' that back.

And the woman's last name is Becker. Hmmm...close to pecker?

But the best part was what he said when a newspaper asked him for comment. "This is a private matter." Well I'll say. That's why they're there, yes? I'm sure they were picking private matter out of the garbage disposal for quite some time.

Oh I'm just so mean.

A Piece of Computer History Come To Life

Woe. Here's something you don't see every day. A guy got his hands on a 1964 modem, and brought it online.

This thing was as simple as she gets. It wasn't even close to a digital modem. 300 Bod. Hello.

You know what's funny? My parents would have been around in this modem's era, but probably even they never laid eyes on something like this because John Q. Public really wasn't running around with modems in those days.

Wow. Just look at that in comparison to what we have now.

I'm Blowing Your Torso As You Blow My Mind

Some folks burgle for money. Some burgle for food. Justin Dale Little Jim (yes, that's his name in all the stories I've seen), well, he appears to burglefor love...or something.

Little Jim, currently being held in jail in lou of $5000 bond and awaiting an August trial date, arrived in this situation after trying to score a date of a different kind.

According to police, Little Jim smashed the front window of a Woodbridge, Virginia adult novelty store in the wee smalls of a morning last week. When they responded, they discovered their man had planned to steel hearts, specifically the heart of the blow-up doll he was attempting to have sex with in one of the shop's closets.

When he goes to trial, he'll be facing charges of burglary, grand larceny and destruction of property. Destruction of property? Maybe he should think about changing his name to Big Jim.

Elevator Up...Date

Well, I have a small update to the elevator story. They were quite good about going up and down with me late at night and early in the morning, and by mid morning, the manager said things were fixed. For now, I think I feel safe in the elevator, although I catch myself trying to take note of which elevator I'm getting into.

I still haven't heard from head office, and I really do want to hear what their thoughts are on how tohandle things better. I probably won't get much of a response, but I can try.

But at least the elevator got fixed.

What A Difference A Dog Makes!

Since I've been such a blog slacker this year, I missed the April assistance dog blog carnival. Plus I was kinda stressed out by something which I still need to write about. But anyway, the July one came up and I decided I was going to do my best to hit it. So I went to read about it. This is what I read. The topic is "the difference", and the deadline hit me on the head like a rock. "July 22..." That is a very significant date for me when it comes to dogs, because July 22, 2005 was the day I had to give Babs back to the school and accept that she needed to be retired just 8 weeks after bringing her home.

So, I could not ignore this carnival, even if I wanted to, especially since the topic was "the difference". I thought about my training with Babs versus training with Trixie, and what a difference it made to be prepared, to know what not to do, and to know how better to stand up and ask about things that worried me. What a difference a couple of years and choice of school made. What a difference between dogs. Just, what a difference!

Ok, let's slow down. How about we meet Babs, shall we? Everything I ever wrote about her is in there. I even put up my training journals, although I posted them 3 years after the fact.

Babs, god love her, did the best she could. She served a purpose, even though it wasn't to be my guide dog for years to come. When she was good, she was freaking amazing. But oh, oh, when things were bad, they were baaaaaad.

But I, also, didn't have a clue. I went into training with minimal ideas of what to expect, how to deal with things when they didn't go so well, or what was just plain old wrong. I didn't know dog switches were possible, nor had I a clue about how many dogs' careers were ended early. I was living in a dream world of la la la, I'm going to have a guide dog, things are gonna be great, la dee dee.

Then, Babs came along to shake up my world. First off, I don't think we were a good match. She was dominant as all hell, and I was timid at the time. She was more dog than I could probably handle. Plus, as I discovered in training, she was ill.

As we found out, we didn't work out. On July 22, they came to get her. "I'll need the harness, the leash, and her medication," Peter said as he stood at my door. This man had driven me around on many training routes, and now he'd been dispatched to come get my dog. Medically, behaviourally, she wasn't going to work out. So off she went to live with a family who would love her as a pet. And I was left to wonder just how I'd managed to fail so epically. I didn't blame myself for the medical issues, but I gave myself hell for allowing her to think she was alpha.

Fast forward to March 21, 2007. I was going to get a female black lab named Trixie. That morning, I went over in my head what I would do differently, and even so, I wasn't sure I could get it right this time.

When they introduced me to Trixie, among other descriptive details, they said she was 55 pounds. My heart must have landed in my throat. After all, Babs was 52 pounds, and she was too much for me. What was I headed for with a 55-pounder? "Are you happy with her?" the trainer asked as I processed all her information as best I could. I managed to say yes, but I was scared shitless. But I was soon to find out the difference between Babs and Trixie was like night and day.

For one, the training was different. I was in a class full of new dog handlers, which meant the instructors had lots of time for us and the class was geared for the newb. When I trained with Babs, inexplicably, they put me in a retrain class. They promised me individualized training, but at the end of the day, the ratio was still 4 students to 1 instructor, and a limited amount of time. It wasn't gonna happen.

Second, Trix is a totally different dog with a totally different pull. If she wants to, she can pull like a freight train, but that isn't her constant speed. And although food can be o so tempting, she isn't driven to it as much as Babs was. Plus, she doesn't think of herself as the alpha. What a huge difference that is alone! And perhaps most importantly, she's been a very healthy dog, so much so that the rare times she's sick, I don't know what to do.

And finally, when my time with Trix came around, I knew a few things, and had made about six zillion mistakes with Babs, so I was determined not to make them again with Trix. And although I may have made a few with Trix, they weren't nearly so catastrophic. As well, with Trix, if anything didn't look right at all, I would speak up about it immediately. I accepted so much on blind faith when I went to get Babs. That was not going to happen again.

So, the one thing I have learned from all of this is everything can make a difference, from the dog, to the kind of training, to the handler's experience level and state of mind. All of it makes the package. Change one thing, and what a difference!

And even though it may sound like I don't have much good to say about Babs, she made a difference in my life too, making me decide that I do want a guide dog despite all our troubles. I still feel her mark on my heart to this day. I think about her, and wonder how she's doing. Babs, I hope you're happy wherever you are, enjoying life as a different kind of dog, a pet.

Dear Diary: I'm Going To Have A Lot More Time To Write In You Soon, Even Though You Get Me In Trouble

A couple of quick armed robbery tips for Jonathan Ochola and Rashad Delawala, because they seem to need 'em.

1. Don't drop your balaclava. It probably has your DNA on it.

2. Don't write stupid things in your diary. For instance, "I picked up a few things I needed in town today" is much better than "Go Portsmouth robbery happens."

Both men have been found guilty (surprise surprise) and are scheduled for sentencing later this month. For some reason, both are currently out on bail.

British Burgers

All hatemail resulting from this should be aimed squarely at Brad.

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow!?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

Us And The Mobile Template Have Been Disconnected

If you liked the mobile template, you're about to not like me.

Because it crashed at least two phones that we know about and because it might possibly be causing some problems that have nothing to do with phones, I've disabled it for now and perhaps permanently.

So if you think you should be getting it and you aren't, there's your answer. And if you think you shouldn't be getting it and you are, I hope this fixes it.

The Ballad Of Stompin' Tom

I missed the All-Star game. I'm sure that makes me a bad baseball fan according to some rule or other, but if put in my position you'd do the same thing...at least you would if you're not one to be eluded by sanity.

I haven't been the best at writing about all of the concerts I've been to, but I'm not letting this one slip bye since along with entertaining everybody else and writing about morons and fools, this place is partly about entertaining me and helping me remember awesome things. And in my world, getting to see Stompin' Tom Connors counts as more than awesome.

Yes, I got to see Stompin' Tom!

Me, Carin, my brother and my mom all headed down to Hamilton Place to check out the show last night, and we weren't disappointed. Tom is 75 now, but other than a couple of times when he admitted he was getting a bit tired, you'd never know it. I can think of two spots where he forgot what verse he was on and sang it twice, but I'm not holding that against him. Christ, I did that when I was in my 20's, and I didn't have to remember nearly as many songs.

Along with favourites like The Hockey Song, Sudbury Saturday Night, Margo's Cargo, Big Joe Mufferaw, Bud The Spud and about a million others, he took some time out to play some stuff by Hank Snow and Wilf Carter, which was a nice, unexpected touch. You haven't lived until you've heard Stompin' Tom yodel. I've heard it on recordings, but live it was almost worth the ticket price by itself. He even played The Green Green Grass of Home, much to the delight of the nice but at times overly talkative ladies sitting next to us who yelled for it after every single song from the beginning of the show until the second half when he finally heard them or decided to listen, I'm not sure which.

And speaking of where we were sitting, Dear Ticketbastard: Selling people seats next to each other is good, but you might want to warn those people about the wall thing between them. We managed to juggle things around since we were up in the roomier seats so that Trixie would have more space, but seriously now.

Ok, back to the show.

He had a pretty good band backing him up, including fiddler Billy MacInnis who did a sweet version of Mockingbird that I wish I could find. Instead, we'll go with this, which isn't bad either.

The main opening attraction was Mark LaForme, who I wasn't familiar with. He was fine, but mostly sounded like every singer in every country bar you've ever been to. That is until he won major cool points by busting out a bluegrass version of The Shape I'm In and then followed it up with a cover of Ma jolie Louise. I can't find his versions or anything he's ever done on YouTube for that matter, so we'll go with live versions of the originals.

Am I getting cheaper as I age, or is the price of concert merch getting much, much steeper? $35 for a T-shirt or 2 for $50? A CD for $25 or 3 for $50? That wasn't normal sounding in our world, but the line in the lobby was huuuuuuuuuuge after the show and during the break, so what do we know?

Possible highway robbery at the souvenir stand aside, I'd gladly go back and see him again if the chance comes up. But if it doesn't, it's another thing I'm happy to be able to say I got to do once.

And before I forget, here's the song I took the post title from.

Also, hey Brad. We were there!

Williams And McDaniel, Wake Up To The Alarm Bell

Goddamn it I'm shaking, and I didn't go through anything super uber scary. I mean, I did, but on the scale, there are far worse things. But it's been a little while, and I'm still sitting here, heart pounding, having trouble getting air.

Here's the scene. I'm taking Trix out to pee. It's 30 degrees C or 90 degrees F outside. Since I live on the sixth floor of an apartment building, I take the elevator. I get in the elevator. I'm slightly worried since intermittently over the last week, one of the elevators has been kinda fritzy. It will lock up and refuse to let you out or open or anything. It will just keep clicking like it's descending into the bowels of somewhere, but you're not going anywhere. I would hit open, but it wouldn't work, so I would hit the alarm bell, which would snap the elevator out of its funk and it would continue to its destination. I had just said to Steve, it's happened a couple of times now, I wonder if I should warn someone.

I got in the elevator, and it did it again. Only this time, the alarm button trick didn't work. I could feel it jamming, catching, trying to continue, jamming.

what makes this extra terrifying is I cannot get any cell phone signal in this elevator. So I cannot call 911. So all I have is this damn alarm.

Some elevators are cool and the alarm actually goes somewhere. Not this one. It just rings a bell. So I held down the button.

Riiiiiing.

Where does this bell go?

Riiiiiiing.

I think it just goes down the shaft.

Riiiiiing.

But what if noone's in the office in the lobby? What if they don't hear it? It's kind of like saying "If a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Riiiiiiing. Riiiiiing riiiiiiiiiiiing!

By this point, Trixie is starting to loop out. I think the bell is just the right pitch to bother her ears. She has started doing circles around me, sniffing, searching for an exit.

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

I'm now starting to loop out, feeling how hot it is. I wonder how long until this heat will start to affect Trixie? It's like leaving her in a hot car. I've decided this bell isn't working, so I'll try another strategy!

HEEEEEELP! I'm in the elevator and I can't get out! Riiiiing! Heeeelp! Riiiiiing! Heeeeelp!

Some children hear me screaming.

Just open the door, you're in the lobby.

The door won't open.

Do you want us to call the manager?

Yes, yes, please!

I'm thinking I'm saved. I'm saved.

And I am, because the elevator summarily decides to let me out. I come out and find out that the poor kids could not get through to the property manager.

Do you know what that could have meant if the elevator hadn't decided to be nice and release me, or if it had decided that releasing me between floors would be just duck duck duckeroo? I could have been in there for an untold amount of time, or staring at an open shaft! Trixie and I were put at a significant amount of risk I think. And I couldn't call 911 myself because of the lack of a cell phone signal. I couldn't call, couldn't text, couldn't nothing.

I got out and I was on the war path. I called the number, fully expecting to have to leave a seething message. I got a poor fellow where the phone was being forwarded to. I let loose on him, and he understood my frustration. He then said he would call the property manager and have her escort me up to my apartment, since I was afraid to get back in the elevator alone.

I waited.

I called him again, and asked just where this property manager was. It was then that he said she wasn't home.

...

which means, boys and girls, if he couldn't have answered the phone, which he doesn't have to do because he's not the super for this building, who knows when it would have been answered. What in Christ is their plan if an emergency happened?

He was nice enough to come up and take me up in the elevator. then I said to him, what do I do at 10 tonight when I have to relieve Trixie? Nobody is going to hear the alarm bell ringing. I don't plan to spend the night in the elevator. He agreed to escort me down and up. I'm going to ask him if he'll do the same tomorrow morning at 7.

I think this makes clear that Williams and McDaniel, the ones who own this building, need to do better when it comes to emergencies. Why have an alarm in an elevator if it doesn't go somewhere where someone will hear it? It's foolish to think nothing will happen. Stuff happens in elevators, even the best maintained ones. And these elevators are suuuuuper old.

Oh, and why not fix the plumbing too so we don't have a goddamn Noah's flood one day when it finally goes kaboom? The whole infrastructure is failing. I get the sense you keep patching it. One day, patches ain't gonna do it. I love living here, but Jesus Murphy! We lost property managers who were awesome because I think they burned out on patching, patching, patching, patching things. Now we're down to one property manager for two buildings, and we just can't seem to get a manager back. I'm afraid. I really am.

So...please hope I don't get stuck in the elevator again. It's not a happy feeling, especially knowing that I have no way of getting help myself. I called head office, and left a kind of scattered message, we'll see what happens.

An Inside Look At A Call Centre In India

Reading this description of life as a call centre agent in India was really interesting. Interesting, and sad. But it also made me chuckle because of a comedy bit that Steve was recently talking about.

I guess someone, whose name escapes him, was talking about how these Indian-sounding fellers always had very American names like Kevin, and they would never tell you where they are. It went something like this.

Caller: Where are you?
Agent: I am at my desk.

Caller: And where is that?
Agent: In my office.

Caller: Ok, so if I were to come visit you, where would I take a plane to?
Agent: Why would you do that?

And on it went. And all of that is talked about in here. Very interesting stuff.

Tip The Wheelchair Man, Or He'll Tip You Out Of Your Wheelchair!

Wheelchair Abandoned In North Guelph

I read the story, and have so many questions. How did the chair get separated from its user? And why out in that deserted area? Did someone steal the chair? Was there an unidentified man across the street who couldn't get up? Or did someone attend one of those religious healing ceremonies and it worked? I notice it was out by the postal building. Did a person in a wheelchair ask one too many questions about where his mail had gone?

We'll probably never get the answers, but I hope whoever needs that chair can get it back.

To You It's A Keyboard, But To Me It's A Key-bone

You're Olan Yahal Mitchell. The police have stopped you for speeding and they're pretty sure you're drunk. You decide you're not taking any of those goddamn field sobriety tests and have scored yourself a seat in the front of a police cruiser because of it. So, what to do while you're waiting to see what happens next?

Hmmm, that computer keyboard looks mighty scrumptious. Perhaps you should lick it. Yeah, you should. Hey, why not? Other folks have tried to chow down on the entire car, but you've always been more of an electronics man. Metal leaves a weird taste in your mouth.

That officer sure doesn't seem to appreciate you doing that, does he? He mustn't be the type to appreciate great tasting food. Yeah, go ahead, lick it again.

No, I have no idea why he would take the computer away from you. You were enjoying it! If there was ever a time to kick a cop, this must be it!

Sure you're in handcuffs and off to jail now, but don't fret. If you're there for a while and behave well, maybe they'll put you to work somewhere with a nice, juicy cash register.

It's Safe To Say Your Balls Aren't Bigger Anymore

Oh for Christ's sake. Argos pull controversial advertisement.

The Toronto Argonauts have pulled an advertisement from city subway cars and stations after receiving complaints that it promotes domestic violence.

Oh man, this can't be good. They didn't seriously show a giant football player tackling some poor old woman or a dude with a beer gut throwing a beating on a girl with a black eye as they tug of war over the remote during a game, did they? They must have if we've gotten to this point.

The ad – which was meant to drum up support for the CFL team — showed defensive end Ricky Foley with the caption, “Home is where the heart is. It’s also where we hurt people.”

Ok, so where's the problem? Surely there must be a legitimate gripe, given our society's tendency not to complain unless there truly is reason for it. A person would have to be wrong in the head not to realize that home means home football field and that folks do indeed get hurt there from time to time during games, you know, because it's a sport. And a person so wrong in the head would never hold so much power as to convince the majority that he isn't, would he?

Toronto city councilor Mike Layton wrote a letter to the Argos president Bob Nicholson, explaining why he wanted the ad pulled.

“While I understand the intended meaning, my concern is the unintended consequences,” Layton said. “In the context of domestic violence, the ad insinuates that domestic violence in the home is acceptable or normal. The ad may also trigger traumatic responses in the many survivors of domestic violence who are courageously moving forward with their lives.”

I'm torn. I want to applaud the citizens of Toronto for being open minded enough to elect this obviously slower than slow man to public office, but I fear those same citizens may not have thought their well intentioned decision all the way through.

And if he's not slow, then he needs more to do, because he's obviously got far too much free time to play with.

David Bedford, the Argos’ vice-president of marketing and communications, said the team pulled the ad almost immediately, but they never considered the posters would be viewed that way.

Of course they didn't. Not a single person who gave them even a passing moment of thought and wasn't representing the no fun ticket in city government would.

"It's very clear it's a football player in a football uniform talking about promoting the opening game for a football team," Bedford said Tuesday. "I think it's pretty common knowledge that football is a contact sport and a physical game.

Ok then, so why did you pull it? I'm sicker than sick of everybody caving in to this kind of PC garbage. I wish that just once somebody would tell these people to jam it right back up their asses and then wipe his own ass with the letter they sent before setting it on fire.

"We didn't look at it in the context of domestic violence and we probably should have, given that we've had a handful of complaints."

I've got news for you, my friend. If you carefully study and change everything that gets a handful of complaints, football wouldn't exist. It's a violent sport and people could get injured, you know. And don't even get me started on those our balls are bigger ads from years ago. Those would never fly...or swing...or get out of the marketing meeting.

Bedford says the team will replace the posters — which went up on June 20 in Toronto Transit Commission subways cars and stations — with advertisements meant for GO Transit trains. The new posters will read “We’re not looking for passengers.”

First question: What the fuck does that nonsense even mean? It sounds unspeakably lame.

And second question: Are you sure that's a good slogan, what with the battles in most cities over the viability of transit services and how businesses should be run? If you look at this from the corporate point of view, not looking for passengers could be interpreted as your team not wanting customers. Rather standoffish of you, no? It could also mean you don't want people to ride the bus, which is environmentally irresponsible especially in this age of climate change. Perhaps you need to give more consideration to the unintended consequences of the messages you're sending.

Chest Fest 2.0!

Remember top freedom day of pride? Well, it's happening again, only this time, it's a festival! Yes, it really is Lollapabooba!

Now, instead of being in St. George's Square, it's going to be in Riverside Park, and all day! This should be interesting.

Two things of note from the article:

Webb said last year, she was surprised by the number of men who merely stood around to watch topless women.

and what planet has she been on? If anything looks unusual, be it a person in a wheelchair or a blind person or a big dude with a cat on a pink leash or boobs, people stare. And I'm sorry, but there are a lot of men who would love to watch boobs. It's gonna happen, unfortunately.

Webb said last year’s festival held in St. George’s Square downtown was an educational experience and some attendees said they would have participated had the festival been held in a secluded spot, such as a park.

Yeah, because Riverside Park is sooooo secluded. I know what they were going for, but um, fail.

So yeah. Lotsa boobs will be zooming around the park. Still don't know if I would be brave enough to go. Sad, I know.

Because Of Your Policy, All I Can Do With My Hands Is Write Court Documents

Somebody seriously needs to come up with more for inmates to do. More productive hours in the day would probably help cut down on the number of cases jamming up the courts. Cases like that filed recently by 21-year-old Kyle Richards, for instance.

In a handwritten lawsuit, Richards says that Michigan's Macomb County Jail is violating his civil rights and subjecting him to cruel and unusual punishment by denying his requests for porn. Yes, apparently there's a porn shortage in America's prisons, and it can no longer be stood for, so to speak.

Incidentally, the words "in a handwritten lawsuit" are becoming an even bigger sign that there is trouble to come than a story starting off with "a Romanian man" used to be.

But back to this correctional porn shortage. I'm sure there's a simple solution, probably more than one. Maybe Mr. Richards could drop some soap at shower time and not be content to let it go bye bye, or maybe he could try to bum a smoke (there we go again) but not have any money. I'm sure either one of those scenarios would net him all the porn he could handle and then some.

By the way, this guy is also a master criminal. Check out how he wound up confined to a tug free zone.

Richards was charged with bank robbery after police followed a trail of snowy footprints and dropped money to his apartment from a bank robbery scene in January in Fraser, north of Detroit.

Richards pleaded guilty. Sentencing is Aug. 2.

Down With Helmets...And Vital Signs

Maybe it's insensitive of me to laugh at the fate of Philip A. Contos, but oh well, what are ya gonna do? Motorcyclist killed in anti-helmet rally.

He wasn't wearing any head protection, lost control of his bike and pumpkin smashed his melon on the pavement. And naturally, police say he likely would have survived if he'd been wearing a helmet.

I'm not going to get into a big discussion over whether or not we need helmet laws. Instead I'm going to drag this out of 2009 and repost it. It's a fine argument for the side I more or less support. I'll leave it to you all to figure out which side that is.

Some Hate Mail For Hotmail

I discovered something yesterday that has made me decide that I hate Hotmail. It's a good thing I don't use their web interface unless I'm really stuck.

I got a frantic call from a friend who isn't the most computer literate sort in the world. "All I want to do is send a message from my email," she moaned, "And I can't!" She eventually told me that Hotmail is now asking her randomly to solve a CAPTCHA, even after she's logged in! She had finished writing a message, and hit send and she got presented with a message to the effect of "to help stop spam, we sometimes ask you to type the characters you see." This was a link. So not only did she have to fill in this blasted CAPTCHA, after already logging into her account, but she had to leave the message she was writing to go play their stupid game.

Then, after she solved the stupid CAPTCHA, it took her back to her message, but didn't send it automatically! She actually had to hit send. If you're going to make someone jump through hoops, at least make it easy at the end. They already hit send. That's what presented them with this stupid "puzzle" as they put it. Now just send the mail, goddamn it!

It's worth noting that while she was logged in, I was able to log in so I could see what was going on. So two people can log in to the same account simultaneously and that's no problem, but we have to solve CAPTCHAs so we don't send spam? Who is this really protecting?

Hotmail, I hate you. And to any blind folks who use Hotmail's web interface, if you have Firefox and WebVisum, always log into your hotmail using Firefox, because you never know when they're going to spring a stupid captcha on you. Just, blarf. Yes, there's an audio version, but I don't know how many of them actually work anymore.

Stupid Captchas, you suck.

A Small Note To Canada Post

Listen, guys. Nobody beyond you and possibly the media on a slow news day really cares who's fault it is that a few million pre-strike pieces of mail still haven't been delivered. In fact, watching the carriers and management argue back and forth about it does neither side any favours, it only serves to make the ordinary Canadians you're trying to bring to your side hate all of you even more and drive a few more nails into the coffin that technology and your attitude towards customers have been building you for years. Who's to blame or who gets or doesn't get this or that overtime doesn't much concern us, we just want you to bring us our damn letters and shut the hell up about it.

However, if you want to tackle a real issue, track down whoever is responsible for me getting nothing but junkmail on the second day of resumed delivery even though I didn't get everything I was waiting for on day one. If your backlog is as big a problem as you're claiming it is, how does something like that happen? And it's not even like it was a 1 off. It's been a week or so now and there have been days where all I've gotten is garbage liner while a bunch of my bills, statements and cheques are still piled in a sorting room somewhere. To a company that gives a fuck and exists in a place that could be mistaken for reality (I know, what a concept), something like that should be completely unacceptable. So how's about a lot more dealing with that and a lot less holding your pissing contest on TV and in the papers?

Kids From Hell

It's been a while since I've come across a video of kids who are better than me and probably you at music, but if you like those, today is your lucky day.

This is a group of music students from Lexington, Kentucky rocking the bejesus out of Pantera's Cowboys from Hell.

According to the video description, the oldest person to play on this is 16, while the youngest is 12. Yeah, I said 12. They went through a pretty professional sounding process to record this too, which just adds to my jealousy.

Leave Me Alone Or I'll Use My Batoddler!

That would have been quite the day on the subway.

A woman got in a fight with another passenger, and decided to use a rather unorthodox weapon in the fight...that'd be her kid. She picked the poor kidlet out of her stroller and started swinging the poor kid at her victim. She also pulled the hair of another passenger who tried to intervene.

She's now been arrested, and her kidlets are with family members who are better equipped to raise kids I'm sure.

Garage? Toilet? What's The Difference?

This story brings back memories of the old story of Austin Horries Purifoy

A woman heard her garage door slam, and her dog bark. Then she saw a naked man in her garage. So she called police. By the time they got there, they found the drunk, naked man had taken a big ol' crapperoo on her garage floor. But he had a perfectly valid excuse, or so he thought. He thought he was in his own garage. So, the moral of the story is don't walk into Thomas O’Neil's garage. You never know what you might step in.

Sometimes You're The Windshield, Sometimes You're A Bug That Looks An Awful Lot Like A Dude

If you're as oblivious as James John Onak would like the police to believe he is, it's A. amazing that you've never found yourself in this situation before and B. complete horseshit that you ever managed to pass a driving test.

Onak, 49, was arrested last month after killing a pedestrian with his car, then driving around with him a while.

The victim was struck by Onak’s Mazda around 12:30 AM as he sought to cross the roadway.

Onak, police reported, did not stop driving, despite the fact that the victim “went through the front windshield and came to a rest in the front passenger seat of the Mazda.” Onak was later stopped by a cop who noticed that the vehicle “had extensive front-end damage.” And that there was a dead guy riding shotgun.

“The driver advised the deputy that he had hit something on the freeway but was not aware the victim was lying in the passenger seat,” according to a Houston Police Department press release.

Since police believed Onak to be under the influence (I know, I'm surprised too), his blood was drawn. What kind of happy medicine they may or may not have found in his system either hasn't been released or was left out of the stories I've seen, however.

So far, Onak has only been charged with felony accident involving injury, but more may be on the way. I wonder if he'll notice.

Howdy, Neighbour!

Even though we spend a considerable portion of our time here relating stories of folks doing horrible things and many of you seem to like that, it's nice to remind ourselves now and then that good does still exist in the world. Among all of the stupid criminals, horrible parents and people who can't hear trains over their headphones, humanity still manages to blossom and flourish.

Case in point, this lovely fellow from New Jersey. So considerate of his fellow man is he that when he damaged a woman's screen while braking into her home, he offered to fix it once he realized it wasn't her house he had meant to hit.

He was even nice enough to stick around for a while to chat.

The homeowner, Maria Cardona, tells The Press of Atlantic City that the man made her nervous as he told her about his family and kept a hand in his pocket. She says he was "really polite," but she just wanted him to leave.

He eventually did leave, but there is no mention in this tale of happiness of whether or not he later paid the intended friend a visit during his neighbourhood rounds. If he did, I'm sure they had a lovely time catching up on life over some tea and cookies.

Communities coming together for social time is so refreshing, isn't it?

Happy Birthday, Canada!

Before we start, here's your Canada related soundtrack. Perhaps I should have linked some Stompin' Tom again since it looks like I'm going to see him live in a couple weeks, but this was the first song that popped into my brain.

I love how I said before we get started as if I've got a lot to say and we're going to be here a while. We aren't, at least it doesn't seem that way. It's not like I'm Carin over here.

Nope, not much to say at all short of happy Canada Day and happy 4th to all the Americans. Enjoy whatever you're doing to celebrate. I'll be outside, beer in hand, enjoying some good food, an afternoon Blue Jays home game (no, I can't believe it either) as well as some Canadian football and probably some tunes at some point. I've had kind of a crummy week, but I'm feeling well enough to give myself a hangover so by god, I'm going to do it for my country!

And on the subject of July 4th, I've made a decision. Since A: I'm lazy and always looking for even the flimsiest of excuses to lounge about doing next to nothing, B: my mom's birthday falls on the 4th and C: about 58% of our readers are American and will likely have better things to do than read this crap, my vote is that the long weekend trucks right on through Monday. Sound good? Well, it does to me, so I'm going with it. Now that's not to say that there'll be nothing to read around here. You know how long weekends work. Carin could drop several thousand posts on your head because that's what she does. It could rain, bringing me indoors and causing me to find things when I'm drunk. Or maybe some spooj canister will do something stupid that will move me to write...provided I'm not dead, of course. You'll just have to keep checking in to see what happens. You could also give me a follow on Twitter, because then you'll know if anything's happening as soon as I do.

I think that's about all for now. I'm not at a point where I feel witty yet, so I'll wish you all a good long weekend again and be on my way.