I'll Ring Your Taco Bell, Mom!

What would a lovely spring day such as this be without a little bit of food-related family violence? Incomplete, say I.

Christopher Phillips got into an argument with his mother Rebecca, 55, “because Rebecca used Christopher’s salsa and taco sauce on her dinner,” according to a Manatee County Sheriff’s Office report.

After Phillips got in his mother’s face “screaming and yelling,” he allegedly “grabbed Rebecca in a head lock causing pain to her neck and breaking her eye glasses,” noted investigators.

And it didn't end there.

Not satisfied that mom had learned her lesson, Phillips' live-in girlfriend Lisa tyre decided to get in on the action. According to police, she started out simply by yelling and screaming, but soon bumped it up to smacking her in the face 4 times, cutting the inside of her lip.

The pair was arrested and charged with misdemeanour domestic battery. Phillips is being held in lieu of $750 bond while Tyre was released on her own recognizance.

You're Gonna Bite The Biscuit, Son! Not That You Could, Since You Let Them Burn To A Crisp!

Question: How does a quiet breakfast with the family turn into dad tustling with you, biting your finger, smashing a platter over your head and then threatening to kill you with the meat cleaver he's pressing against your neck?
Answer: Your dad is Harry A. Woods and you didn't watch the damned biscuits and now they're burned, that's how.

According to police (and a criminal information), Woods became angry after the biscuits were burned in the oven of his East Alton home. The biscuits had been placed in the oven by Woods’s teenage daughter, who told family members to keep an eye on them before she departed for a relative’s home.

That reminder, however, apparently fell on deaf ears. Which upset Woods, who got into an argument with his son, who apparently was less concerned about the singed baked goods. The younger Woods, Keshner reported, told his father, “They’re just burnt biscuits, we’ll make more.”

We'll make more isn't the sort of thing you tell a 6 foot, 350 pound hungry 43-year-old man, so the fight was on.

Woods was arrested and charged with aggravated battery and is being held in lieu of $20,000 bond. Are you kidding? Judging from the reaction, $20,000 is probably a week's worth of groceries for this guy!

I'm Not Sure I Like This New Mean Green Flavour. It Gives Me Brain Burn

Talk about taking the standard old person back in my day, a dollar went a lot further lament to a new level.

Andrea Chavez, 65, was upset that one of the ice cream trucks in her neighbourhood charged too damn much and decided to do something about it, according to police. But rather than simply giving the back in my day speech or showing the woman a list of prices charged by the competition, Chavez decided to remedy her consumer complaint with a few squirts of Mean Green cleaner to the eyes ...absolutely free.

Unfortunately, she wasn't done there.

Back in her day, police officers were apparently a lot more respectful than Mike Ikemiyashiro, who Chavez reportedly tried fighting off when he came to arrest her. According to court papers, she also threatened to "sock him in the face" and kick him in the groin.

She's been charged with assault against a police officer, assault, interfering with an officer and committing a violent offense in front of a child. All counts are misdemeanours. the in front of a child charge, which I didn't know existed but shouldn't surprise me, was filed because the driver's three children were with her at the time.

Chavez doesn't appear to be in custody currently, so no bail amount was reported. Perhaps that's for the best. Had it been too much, there could have been trouble.

You Deserve A Hashbrown To The Face Today

The calendar may have changed from the old year to the new, but some things will always stay the same. There will, for instance, always be another person getting pissed off and making it known by throwing an order back at a restaurant worker.

The incident, which was captured by a restaurant surveillance camera, occurred around 9:45 Saturday morning at a McDonald’s in Lakeland. Simone Paolercio, 39, had ordered about $20 worth of food when she got into a dispute with a worker manning the drive-thru window.

Jessica Balderas, a McDonald’s worker, told cops that “there was a disagreement over two hashbrowns,” according to a Polk County Sheriff’s Office report. Paolercio reportedly became “irritated” and “wanted them to take the food back and refund her money.”

After a manager arrived to speak with Paolercio, the educator tossed some of the food items back through the drive-thru window when the man refused to provide a refund. Paolercio later admitted that she "chucked it" through the window when her refund demand was rejected. 

Some of the airborne grub struck Balderas in the face and chest, according to investigators. When Paolercio denied hitting Balderas with the breakfast items, a deputy advised that footage showed "a hashbrown fly out of the bag and through the air." Paolercio, cops noted, "said she could not argue with the surveillance video."

Yes, there is a video. It's about 2 and a half minutes of complete silence so is useless to me, but since most of you aren't blind, here ya go.



Paolercio has been charged with battery, but that may not be the end of it. Her husband Chris, for lord knows what reason, has taken to Facebook to vent his frustrations over the incident and threaten legal action.

"I will never step foot in a McDonald's again," he wrote. "A lawsuit will be coming for what they did....."

Just what they did, however, remains a mystery. Perhaps they ruined perfectly good breakfast food by not catching it all, who knows?

Throw A Ham At The Ma'am You Call Mom Who's In The Hallway

No details on what started it, but an argument between a mother and son required some police intervention when the son, 37-year-old Emanuel Cordell Kennedy,chucked a ham at mommy dearest, plunking her on the back as she was walking down the hallway of their home. Good toss, dude. I hope it was worth this afternoon's misdemeanour domestic assault arraignment.

Did Somebody Say We've Switched Menus?

As food feuds go, this is different.

Shanaya Edgell found herself, as so many of us have at one time or another, with a cheeseburger craving at 3 in the morning. Fortunately, boyfriend Darrell Page, in an act of fine boyfriendliness, drove her to a local McDonald's so that she may satisfy it. Unfortunately for her however, the McDonald's in question had already switched to the breakfast menu, and cheeseburgers were not on it.

this is a food feud, so you know what happens next. Yes, Edgell freaked out. But did she freak out and beat up on:
a: The drive through person?
b: the restaurant building?
or
C: Boyfriend Darrell Page?

I guess the link kind of gives it away, huh?

Indeed, rather than taking out her frustrations on the restaurant or a person working within, Edgell chose to pound on the only friend she had, biting his arm, hitting him in the face and ripping off his shirt. And all of this after she'd first told him she didn't want breakfast but then getting him to drive back so she could order. She then climbed onto the hood of his vehicle so he couldn't leave.

One thing I'll say for Edgell is that she appears to know she's insane, but I don't know if that helps much.

During police questioning, Edgell confirmed that she became “upset” after discovering that McDonald’s had “switched over to the breakfast menu and…she wanted to order food off the regular menu.” She reported “freaking out over this,” adding that Page was trying to calm her down over the matter of the unavailable cheeseburgers.

When a cop asked why he had spotted her on the car’s roof, Edgell answered, “because I was acting crazy.”

She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, and at last word was in custody in lieu of $150 bond.

Do they serve cheeseburgers at the Rock County jail? If so, I hope they're very clear about when.

Think Outside The Bomb

Police in Georgia are looking for a man who, if I may make the obvious comment here, clearly didn't get the memo.

After phoning in a complaint to an Albany Taco Bell about the lack of meat in the chalupas he had ordered and not getting the results he wanted, the fellow reportedly returned to the restaurant and chucked a molotov cocktail at the building.

According to a police report, Taco Bell manager Cynthia Thompson told cops that, shortly before the firebombing, a man called the restaurant to complain about a reported meat shortage in his “two XL Chalupas.” The caller told Thompson that “after getting home realized that there was not enough stuffing inside of his chalupas, and demanded his order be corrected.”

When Thompson explained that she “could not accommodate him because the business was closing,” the man replied, “You must be one of them niggers up there.” He added, “That’s alright, I’ll just come and redecorate the place.”

Thompson said that shortly after the call she and other Taco Bell employees “could smell gasoline but was unaware of where it was coming from. They then realized the fire outside of the drive thru window.” 

Investigators found the makeshift incendiary device--a “melting plastic bottle with a liquid substance still inside”--outside the Taco Bell, where a large sign beckons patrons to “Come Try The New XXL Chalupa. Bigger Is Better.”

Cops have had a tough time finding the guy due to the poor quality of the video from the security camera. Hmmm. Bad food, bad cameras...do I sense a pattern here?

As an aside, maybe it means something to the locals, but every time I turn the words North Slappey Boulevard over in my head I giggle a little.

What's Wrong, Cupcake?

We have an unidentified Chicago woman and her unidentified husband. We have a disagreement between the two. We have cupcakes. If you've been here for a while, you know what happens next.

The fight started with a verbal quarrel about 7:45 p.m. at the home in the 4700 block of South Western Avenue, according to a police report, but escalated until the woman started hitting her husband over the head.

After that, she reached for the box of desserts and directed a fusillade of snack cakes at his head and body, her husband told police. Several of the confections apparently hit their mark, as the man's head and shirt were smudged with icing when officers arrived, according to a police report.

He told officers he feared for his safety, and she was verbally aggressive with officers, the report states.

Police said she admitted hurling the treats at her husband.

The woman is apparently free on a $10,000 bond and has been ordered to be electronically monitored. She's been charged with a misdemeanour count of domestic battery.

Mmmm, batter.

My Pizza Is Cold And Your Service Sucks, .com

Man. For a guy feeling lazy enough to order his pizza online, he sure is energetic when things go wrong.

The 26-year-old man's pizza order went awry when he mistakenly submitted an online order for carryout rather than delivery.

He realized the mistake an hour later and called Toppers, 21461 E. Moreland Blvd., and arranged to have his order delivered.

He became upset when his food arrived cold, and after airing his grievances in a phone call, drove to the store to hurl the pizza, breadsticks and obscene comments at Toppers employees.

He later admitted to everything, said he was sorry and that he didn't want to hurt anyone. He's been cited for disorderly conduct.

If he has to pay a fine, don't let him do it online. That may not go well.

Imagine The Trouble He Could Have Caused If He'd Had Some Coffee In Him

While Carin and I try to decide whether or not to record some audio for you all on this here holiday Monday, have one of these.

According to deputies, Gabriel R. Letennier, 39, allegedly became irate with the Dunkin' Donuts staff because he felt they were taking too long to serve him coffee. Police said he then allegedly threw a one-pound bag of coffee at a staff member, hitting her in the back.

He was issued an appearance ticket to Farmington Town Court and released on his own recognizance.

Letennier was charged with second-degree harassment and disorderly conduct. Is there something I don't know about the laws in this area, or is the lack of an assault count kind of a big oversight?

She Was Milking That Breastfeeding Mother Thing For All It Was Worth

Here's another sign that I'm either losing my touch, or I've seen one too many weird news stories.

It was all over the net. Har har, it was also all over her car, but ya know. Anyway, the story of Stephanie Robinette was everywhere.

I guess she and her husband were at a wedding, and then she got a little tipsy. And then a little angry. And then a little slap happy...at which point hubby called the cops. When they showed up, she had locked herself inside the car, and would not come out. When they decided to physically take her from the car, she unleashed one of her boobs and sprayed the cops and her car with breast milk. I guess she took lessons from Toni Tramel

And I thought I read somewhere that she's a school teacher! Hmmm.

Dog, Sandwich And Brain At Large

Things like this keep happening, so we'll keep posting them.

Sarah Renee Lane was no fan of being told by the driver picking her up that she couldn't bring her pita sandwich into the cab with her. After what I'm certain was very careful deliberation, she decided on a plan. Leaving lunch at the curb is simply not an option. So instead of *bringing* my pita into this vehicle, I'll try *flinging* it instead. And that she did, getting yogurt sauce on the driver's face and beard and making a complete mess out of the taxi, according to police.

For reasons I will never understand, the driver was one of those people who decided not to press charges. Personally I'd let somebody fry for less, but that's another rant for another day unless I've already done it.

However, Lane was arrested anyway on an outstanding failure to appear warrant in a previous dog at large case. See, there's more of that careful deliberation we talked about.

This Melon Belongs In The Ocean, This Melon Belongs In The Sea. So Don't Take It Out Of The Ocean, And Pour Your Swim Noodle On Me

The story of 68-year-old Karl Ludwig Eichner and the head-shaped rotting watermelon he was adamant did not belong in the ocean is another of those times when I need say nothing funny or serious to add to the strangeness of it all.

A woman who was at the beach with a friend observed a rotting watermelon that had been carved and shaped into a head sitting on the sand. The watermelon seemed to have been abandoned so she placed it in the ocean in hopes that it would disintegrate and not attract any bugs.

Eichner retrieved the watermelon from the ocean and placed it back on the beach.

The woman placed the watermelon in the ocean once again.

Eichner approached the woman with his swim noodle full of water and dumped the water on her as she was sitting on her towel. He then punched her in the cheek.

Eichner was arrested and charged with battery. NO word on court appearances or jail time yet.

I Scream, You Scream, I'll Shoot You Dead If We Don't Get Some Goddamn Icecream Over Here

Thank you Joseph Hayes for doing your part to set a good example for the next generation...of criminals who think the world is shitting on them while owing them everything.

According to a police affidavit, Hayes became upset and began yelling at the victim because “Y’all didn’t save my kids no damn ice cream and cake.”

Hayes then left the party and went to his apartment.

According to the affidavit, he returned with a small black handgun tucked into the back of his pants, approached the host, lifted up his shirt and said, “I ain’t scared to go to jail, just take care of my kids."

The host then called police and said she was in fear of her life.

"In fear of her life?" Nice editing, chief.

But back to the story, yes, this happened at a childrens birthday party. And no, says Hayes, that wasn't a gun. It was an object that *looked* like a gun.

Hayes was jailed and his bond was set at $30000. He was scheduled for a chance to tell the look-a-like firearm story in court last week, but at this point I'm not sure how that worked out for him.

Either This One's On The House Or I'll Give You A Whippy, Mister.

How did that old saying go? I scream, you scream, we all beat the wholly christ out of the driver and run off with his money when he refuses to give us free icecream?

The offender was turned away when he asked for a free ice-cream.

However, when the driver hopped in the front seat to drive away the man leapt in through the service window and threw a bottle at him, Detective Darryn Gabb said.

He then hit him with a flurry of punches which left the victim battered and bruised, Mr Gabb said.

The offender asked where the till was and stole about $550.

Police are still looking for him and the Mr. Whippy (seriously, that's what it's called) owner the driver works for has offered a $100 reward for any tips leading to an arrest.

Hey, Prison Guardin' Boy, Put The Chip Chip Chip Bag Down, Smack! Smack!

Life in the prison system must really suck. I mean, if people can get in a fight over a bag of chips, it must be pretty miserable. Oh, I forgot to mention, the people fighting over food were...two guards! An inmate actually tried to break up their fight, and the poor guy got teeth knocked out for his trouble.

And one of the men's names was Lawrence Mule. Maybe he was too stubborn to give up the bag of chips. And because there was a mule involved, muleskinner blues got in my head, so have a soundtrack.

Don't Die Over New Milk

If your girlfriend comes home with milk but you already bought milk earlier that day, all that means is yay, extra milk, right? Sure, unless you're 68-year-old Daniel Pacheco. In that case, it means it's time for a stabbin'.

The woman, who was not named, is said to be in good condition and recovering in hospital. Pacheco was also treated for self-inflicted wounds to his arms and a possible Tylenol overdose. NO idea if he was stabbing himself in response to having just stabbed someone he'd already stabbed previously.

Final Update On Everyone's Favourite Burger King Smasher Upper

The story of Nekiva Hardy and her Burger King distruction is finally reaching its end...for now at least.

Hardy, who we've written about here, here, here and here, plead no contest to a variety of charges and was sentenced to 45 days in jail. Since she's already spent about a month in custody, she'll be free to go any time now. But have no fear, she's not getting off that easily. Along with the jail time, Hardy is on probation for 5 years, must perform 100 hours of community service, complete an anger management program and pay fines, court costs and restitution totaling somewhere in the neighbourhood of $5000. She's also been banned from every Burger King in Bay County, the place where she got herself into all this trouble.

I'm going to miss these updates a little, but since she's not banned from every BK in the world, I may not be missing them forever.

Did Somebody Say Something Worth Throwing Some McDonald's Over?

All these food feuds are strange enough, but even stranger is the food feud that's seemingly without explanation.

That appears to be what's happening in the case ofBrant Goodwin Stephens.The 43-year-old is believed to be the one who threw a cheeseburger at the passenger side of a man's car while the 2 were in a McDonald's drive through.

A St. Lucie County Sheriff's deputy went to an address in the 4800 block of North Kings Highway where the victim said while in the drive through of McDonald's someone threw a burger at his vehicle's passenger side.

Investigators noted a "large spot" of ketchup measuring 6 inches by 6 inches on the side of the victim's vehicle and cheeseburger pieces on the hood.

When police tracked him down, Stephens had a fair bit to say, none of which explained anything.

The victim got the alleged cheeseburger thrower's tag, and investigators found the vehicle.

"I threw a cheeseburger at that (racial epithet's) truck," Stephens is quoted as saying. "He pissed me off and if I have to go to jail for it then that's OK."

So is he a racist, is he insane or did something happen that hasn't come out yet? When I know, so will you.

I Hear Through The Grapevine That He Might Be A Bit Upset

What to do when the 71-year-old ex wife you share your home with has a problem with you having your new girlfriend over? If you're 75-year-old Sebastiano Russo, the answer is easy.Drunkenly throw a grape at her head, then threaten to murder her and burn down the house.

A witness told the investigating deputy that Sebastiano Russo sat at a table, slamming his hand on it, saying, "This is my house." He told his ex-wife he was bringing his girlfriend to the house, the report states.

When Claire Russo told him, "No, not in my house," the ex-husband threatened to kill her and then attacked her with the grape, the witness told the deputy.

The story says that the pair live near a place called Orange City. For Claire's sake, it's a good thing old Sebastiano stuck to throwing grapes. An orange surely would have hurt more.