There's Nothing Quite Like Some Good, Motherly Advice

If you're one of those who liked theletters from mom,I'm sure you'll apreciate this handy and oh so useful tip I just received from her.

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff windex first. It'll keep you from streaking.

There, don't let anyone tell you that your mother isn't helpful.

Shots Fired, Cops To Be Fired Later

Wouldn't this be a scary way to end your day?

You're driving home from work when your van breaks down on the side of the road. There you are, with a backfiring van, and you start to think that your van might catch fire, so you get out and find cops firing at you! That's what happened to Phillip Ransom.

Police came because someone thought they heard shots fired, they heard the booms, and started shooting. They didn't stop, even though Ransom had his hands in the air and was yelling that he wasn't armed. 3 bullets hit his van, and the cops shot out their own windshield.

Thankfully the cops who did this have been placed on administrative leave until the department can figure out just what in hell happened. But that doesn't help the way Ransom feels.

Gees! Before firing your gun, look around!

So Duh!

This is so senseless and stupid and I don't even get it.

A woman walked into a grocery store in Michigan, bought 42 cans and bottles of soda on her Bridge Card, which is a government-funded debit card designed to be used for buying food. Then she immediately fed the full cans and bottles into the can and bottle return machine. This of course didn't go well, as the cans and bottles exploded all over, and caused a huge mess. And all she got out of the deal was $4.20.

I can't figure out why she would do this. Either she's really stupid and thinks she's getting a quick buck off the system, or she felt like being destructive. Either way, it's not good. She would have been far more productive if she had just bought some good food, taken it home and made a meal out of it.

All In The Family?

I mean absolutely no disrespect to the dead, but it seems to me that there's something the matter withthis here obituary.

MORRISON, DEBORAH - November 10 in her 51st year. Loved mother of Bob and his fiancèe Nicole. Dear sister of Barb and aunt of Blair.

There's either a typo in there or Bob is marrying his sister. Anybody know if there's a version of Here comes The Bride played entirely on banjos and fiddles?

I know editing is a tough job, but come on now. How does stuff like this happen to somebody's death notice? Just brutal.

Donna Jodhan Wishes To Fix Some Federal Government Wagons

Well, it looks like Donna Jodhan won her lawsuit. That didn't take long. I hate how vague this is being. It says the government has to make its sites accessible to the visually-impaired. But how? Are they going to make the fonts big and say they've succeeded? Nothing has been explained as far as what specifically they have to do.

Thank you Jennison for passing on this far more detailed account. It looks like the government did a fine job of losing before Donna Jodhan even opened her mouth. They couldn't even adhere to their own standards, standards that only refer to WCAG 1.0, which is 11 years old! Fail!

Even in this much more detailed version, there are things that lack clarity. For example, it is stated that popup windows are not accessible. Well, that could be if they're not done right. But a blanket statement like that is misrepresentative. It also said that PDF's are not accessible to screenreaders. Again, depends on how they're done. I have seen my fair share of PDF's that sucked a big one in the accessibility department, and it's very easy to make an inaccessible PDF. On the other hand, I have seen beautiful PDF's, including that passport application that are completely accessible. In fact, I've pretty much filled the sucker out, and without one bit of help.

But the statement that rendered me completely unable to speak was that Jodhan is using a screenreading solution called "Home Page Reader". As far as I know, that solution is old, old, old! Let's do a little digging into when it was last developed. It looks like February of 2005. The internet has changed significantly since then, and the solutions that worked back then don't work now.

I think around the same time as this thing was last developed, JAWS 5.0 was all the rage. If I tried to navigate the net with that thing now, I would spend more time waiting for it to stop choking. Things change, and you have to update with it.

I'm not saying JAWS is the way, the light and the truth. But there are other solutions, like Window Eyes, System Access, or even NVDA, which are being kept far more current than this.

But any way you look at it, I'm glad she won, because it appears the government needed to realize that they can't even conform to their own standards.

Let's see how things look 15 months from now.

The Church of St Bennowwwww My Head!

If you're one to believe in "the lord works in mysterious ways" type stuff, the story of a statue in a church falling on someone trying to steal a donation box is a far better example than whatever P.E.I. Minister of Transportation Ron MacKinley was on about.

A man tried to steal a donation box from a church in Munich, but was foiled when a statue of Saint Antonius which was standing over the box came loose and fell on him, giving him a nice bleeding head. He ran off without any money.

All I Really Need Is A Song In My...Belly?

Fredrik Hjelmqvist, please explain to me why on earth anyone else would want to play audio from their stomach. You did it, and you're weird, but why in hell would anyone else want to?

Yup, that's what he did. The owner of a hi-fi equipment shop put a battery-powered device inside a capsule and swallowed it. Then he took out a stethoscope, found the music, connected the stethoscope to an amplifier and now everyone could hear "YMCA" and "I will Survive." But the sound quality was bad, duh.

The frightening part is he wants to sell this invention. Why? The only group I can see jumping on this bandwagon would be wacky pregnant moms who want their babies to hear music. But um, then the babies get an up close and personal encounter with batteries and electronics, and is that a good idea? Just stick to singing to your little guy.

But seriously, who else would buy this thing, and for 17 grand? What purpose could it possibly serve? I like to think I'm imaginative, but this one is lost on me. And should one really be swallowing batteries and electronic parts?

Doh! It's Not The Good Dough.

A New York City pizzeria was robbed, and the thieves got away with a big bag of dough! Too bad it was pizza dough. Oh well, at least one of them didn't get far. Salvatore LaRosa surrendered to police, and I guess he didn't need the other kind of dough too badly, since he managed to pay a million dollars in bail to get out of jail.

Step Away From Crime

We should add Todd J. Moffie to the list of folks who aren't meant for a life of crime. He broke into the basement of a house, and then decided to crawl between the stairs. We have no idea why he did that, because there was lots of room to get around the steps. Anyway, he got stuck, and the fire department had to get him out. Yup, dumb.

And God Said Let There Be Sunday Shopping Supporters Falling Down At TV Stations, And It Was So

P.E.I. now has year round Sunday shopping like the rest of Canada, thanks to a private member's bill introduced by opposition leader Olive Crane. But if Provincial Transportation Minister Ron MacKinley is to be believed,the Lord sure isn't happy about it.

Following an appearance on CBC Television's Compass Monday, Crane slipped on the television set, injuring her ankle and wrist. Transportation Minister Ron MacKinley brought up the incident during the debate on the bill Thursday.

"I'm not what you call a saint, but I believe in God and I believe in [doing] the best I can do. You were at CBC pushing Sunday shopping, were you not? On TV?" he asked Crane. "Right after that interview what happened?"

"We had a bit of an accident," Crane responded.

"Does that not tell you something?" said MacKinley.

"Like what?" said Crane.

"Like the Lord works in mysterious ways, and maybe you should start worrying what's going on here? We are going all the time, we're getting farther and farther away, whether it's prayers in the schools or whatever it is," said MacKinley.

The minister wrapped up his arguments on the bill soon after.

Feel free to begin peppering this fellow with the mockery he deserves at your earliest convenience.

The sooner people realize that religion has no place in government the better. The world will be a much more peaceful place should that day ever actually come.

Big Brothers Against Drunk Driving

I'm starting to wonder if the water that anti-drunk driving crusaders are drinking has been spiked with something.

First it wasBritish Columbia denying people a day in courtand now it'sthe Prince Edward Island chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving lobbying the federal government to allow police to conduct random Breathalyzer tests on anybody they wish.

MADD told CBC News Wednesday random testing has had a dramatic effect in other countries, with a 20 per cent decrease in deaths and injuries in countries where random breath testing is allowed.

"Now if there's a road stop and a police officer wants to have a person provide a breath sample, they have to be suspicious first," said Amanda Burke, president of the P.E.I. chapter of MADD. "Whereas with random breath testing they could ask anyone for a breath sample at a roadside check."

What a great idea. Let's do away with all that pesky probable cause and individual rights junk and let the police do whatever they want. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

There's a reason why police have to be suspicious before the wheels of justice can make you blow in a tube. It's the same reason why the cops can't just knock on your door early on a lazy Sunday morning and rifle through all your stuff just because they feel like it. It should be allowed because they might find something is not a good argument for doing away with years and years of reasonable procedure designed to offer a bit of protection to the public against overzealous authorities. You can't make criminals out of everyone just because somebody somewhere might actually be one.

Instead of wiping your hoops with the constitution and the checks and balances that exist for good reason, what needs to be focused on is the punishment end of things. Why is somebody with 10 drunk driving convictions still legally allowed to be on the road? Why are people who have injured or killed someone only getting short prison stretches if they go to jail at all? All of the awareness and educational campaigns in the world aren't going to do any more good than they already have until an impaired driving conviction is let's say 10 years in jail and a permanent driving ban. People know it's wrong to get behind the wheel drunk, but until the justice system takes it seriously, why should they care about doing the right thing? I know people who have been popped for impaired, and they laugh about it over drinks while they count down the days until they can drive again. And those, those are the ones who have enough respect for the law not to drive while suspended. That's not a sign that the punishments in their current form are working, so what good is eroding human rights for the sake of catching more people if those people are just going to come out the other side with the same attitude?

Just something to think about before the next policy meeting.

Here Are Your Winners, And New Tag Team Champions Of Married Life...

I'm sure that when the day comes for us to get married there's almost no chance Carin would let me do this, but I must say that if there was ever going to be something that would make me take the plunge it would beHoward Finkel doing ring introductions for me and my wedding party while old wrestling theme music played us down the aisle.

Maybe we could compromize and work in some kind of Star Trek or dog theme for her. Whatever it takes I'd try to make it happen, because this would be so awesome.

Guide Dog Harness Survey

Ro talked about this yesterday, and I should have posted it then, but I didn't see it until late.

There is a student at the University of Illinois (at least I think that's what U of I is) who is trying to figure out a new way to make a guide dog harness so that it is most comfortable for handler and dog. She wants feedback from those who use guide dogs. Here is her survey. Email her at eva617 (at) gmail (dot) com but put the necessary symbols back where they belong. Yes, we want her to get mail, but only the good kind!

Incidentally, does anybody know where there are good pictures of the GDB Swiss harness handle? I have tried to send her one, but...well...blind guy photography isn't too reliable. So if anyone could point her in the direction of a good picture, that would rock.

So, here's the survey. You know what to do. And good luck Eva!

1. How long have you been having a Guide Dog? How many harnesses have you used before?

2. Do you have an offset handle or straight one? Do you like it the way it is? Why?

3. Do you clean the harness? Why or why not?

4. Would you like to have different material and/or shape for the handle part for more comfort? Would you prefer to hold the handle vertically?

5. How do you buckle up the harness? Where do you hold the leash when buckle up the harness? Do you use both hand to buckle up?

6. Do you have a trekker GPA navigation system? If not, why? If yes, how do you like it?

7. Lastly, do you have any problem with the harness you are using? (left arm does not feel comfortable after holding the harness after a while? Hand gets sweaty from holding the handle? Dog developed lumps from wearing the harness?....etc)

She Said He Heard

Thanks Martin for this one.

This little, hmmm, shall we say glossary of terms to help men deal with women, sums up exactly what makes me ashamed to be a woman.

But before we begin our lesson in female annoyances, I think we need a themesong, courtesy of the Bud Light Institute. God this song is funny.

>NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

It made me laugh so I thought it deserved a spot up here. Maybe it'll help the guys whose girlfriends actually do this crap. I really try not to be one of those fine, nothing, whatever type girls.

One Of The Many Things That's Wrong With TNA

Matt Johnson has written a really good article for Slam! Wrestling explaining, essentially, why Vince Russo is a terrible wrestling writer and why TNA, in spite of all its potential, pretty much sucks and nobody watches it.

Admitting that wrestling is fake on the air makes no sense for a wrestling company. Why would fans possibly want to watch matches that are not even treated as real during the show? Why would fans want to pay attention to interviews that are admittedly scripted?

According to this (old and stale) approach, fans are supposed to think everything that happened in the past is fake, but the events happening in front of them at that second are real.

Problem is, this concept makes no sense. I will give a hypothetical example.

Say Matt Morgan gets called into Hogan's office and told that he is getting released because he isn't drawing high enough ratings. Morgan responds that he has an extraordinary win-loss record. Hogan says that a fake record in fake wrestling matches doesn't matter. It is all about drawing numbers. Morgan walks away angry.

Weeks later, Morgan comes through the crowd and attacks Hogan's cronies because he is angry about being fired. A match is set up between Morgan and Abyss on the next pay-per-view to settle it.

Now are we all supposed to believe that every other match was fake, but all of a sudden Morgan and Abyss are going to break into a shoot fight? Is the next pay-per-view going to all of a sudden be the first ever TNA pay-per-view where all of the action is 100% real?

You can read the whole thinghere.

Just one thing Matt, you might want to fix the bio at the end.

Matt Johnson has been writing for SLAM! Wrestling since 2008. He graduated from Northern Michigan University with a double major in English and Social Studies. In addition to writing, he teachers classes in English, Drama, and World History.

Hopefully Carin will say a few words in the comments about how she felt trying to watch Impact with me a couple of weeks ago. If she doesn't I won't blame her, I wouldn't want to relive that experience either.

A Big Article On Our Little Project

Remember back when I mentioned the recreation project Guelph Barrier-Free Committees is doing? Well, Steve urged me to send the little blurb to the Guelph Tribune and see what happens. So, I did, and holy crap, we got a story! And, it's working! We've already had a few phone calls and emails! This is good.

So here it is again. If you're in Guelph, and you either run some kind of recreational club or group, or you have a disability and you're just dying to do some kind of recreational activity, give us a call or an email. We want to hear from you!

Motel 6: We Don't Leave Cameras On You

Maybe pranks like this one are the reason the Sheraton has such fancy phones where you actually have to name the person you're calling before you get through.

A 73-year-old man was convinced to

• smash the TV with the cover from the back of the toilet to destroy hidden cameras,
• throw the TV outside,
• smash the mirrors to get rid of more hidden cameras,
and
• smash into the next room to free a trapped midget.

he did all of the above. Needless to say, Motel 6 staff were none too pleased with Joseph Jones.

This guy went to a pretty high degree of effort. I mean, he was smashing at the wallboard behind the door to get to the next room. At no point did he think "Gee, shouldn't the police be doing this? Why should *I*, a hotel guest, be smashing my way into other people's rooms?"

It doesn't look like the prankster will be caught, which is unfortunate. Police did talk to him, because Jones was stupid enough to give the prankster his cell number and he called while the police were there. But once he figured he was not talking to Jones, he hung up, and his number was blocked.

Man, it's gotta completely suck sometimes running a hotel.

The People Want Your Hands Off Their Meat Pistoles

I sure am glad that suchbrilliant mindsare calling the shots at the TSA. I mean without John Pistole telling us thatNational Opt Out Day,a protest designed to bog down the screening process and make things as miserable as possible for the TSA might cause delays at the airport, how would the public ever realize that it was about to engage in something so foolish and inconvenient?

Um, John, that's kind of the point. What's happening here is that the American people are doing something they rarely do anymore. They're standing up for themselves and against your agenda. They've finally come to the realization that all the shit you're coming up with isn't keeping anybody safe and that it's only designed to trick them into feeling like it is. And maybe, just maybe, they've figured out that your agency is a largely useless waste of time and money that's gotten completely out of control and that they could probably do without it again, much like they did without it for years before.

But hey, thanks for that delaying the flights tip, I'm sure the people will keep it in mind as they go about trying to take a small slice of their dignity back.

Mark Clay Hazard

Mark Clay Hazlitt is a special kind of selfish individual. A sheriff's helicopter was flying around the area of his home. Unknown to him, it was searching for a man who had threatened suicide. All he knew was that he was tired of hearing it. So what was his solution? Oh, point a laser pointer at the cockpit, blinding the pilot. Yeah. That's a good idea. So now, instead of being tired of hearing the helicopter, you can be tired of clearing debris out of your neighbourhood after it crashes. Maybe you can be tired of summoning help for anyone injured because of your selfish and irresponsible actions.

Luckily for him and everyone in his area, the pilot managed to get away so that he could get his equipment readjusted. But unluckily for those conducting the search for the suicidal man, they lost the use of their helicopter until the pilot could fix things.

The pilot was also awesome enough to be able to figure out where the light was coming from, and sent some deputies over to have a talk with Hazlitt, as well as arrest and charge him.

You might be wondering how old Hazlitt is. He's 58. Yes, he's 58 years old and still cannot think beyond the end of his nose. How pathetic. Well, maybe some court/jail time might make him grow up. It's sad that it took him this long.

I'm Calling The Police, And I'll Be Naming McNames!

All Ryan McNames wanted was for the pair of local entrepreneurs he was dealing with to hold up their end of a transaction. Unfortunately, the entrepreneurs were hookers he had hired to show him some boobs and blow him, and his chosen method of righting the situation when he was flashed but not puffed was tocall the police, tell them he was a victim of theft and demand that they find and return to him $40 of the $60 he had spent on services.Hey, at least he was trying to be fair.

The police, however, didn't give him extra points for playing nice and arrested him for patronizing prostitution. He was jailed but later posted $500 and was bonded out.

Well, there goes the rest of his whoring around money.

Will You...Dive In After That Ring I Just Dropped?

At least Travis Pittman has a far more forgiving fiance than the guy who lost the ring intended for his fiance in a helium balloon. But still, I feel for the dude.

He had a wonderful romantic idea. He would bring his girlfriend to a pier and propose, saying he didn't have a ring. If she said yes, he would slip a surprise ring on her finger. Fortunately for him, she did say yes, but unfortunately for him, when he went to put it on her finger, it slipped and fell into the Puget Sound. Oh god that would so suck.

A scuba diver has offered to look for it using an underwater metal detector, but he still has to get there to look. I hope he finds it, because the poor guy hadn't managed to insure the ring.

If You Hate It So Much, Stop Doing It

TSA Enhanced Pat Downs : The Screeners Point Of View

Nothing in this article should come as any sort of revelation to anybody. Surprise surprise, the overly friendly agent is about as thrilled to be touching your pecker as you are to have him touching it. But still, it's important to hear their point of view and for people to realize that at the end of the day, these people are human beings who are just doing a job. It's a horrible job that nobody should be asked to do, but it's a job.

That said, a lot of things are jobs, and since there's all this talk lately about passengers opting out of participating in all of this security theatre, why don't the agents do the same thing? I understand that the job market sucks, but you know what? Places like Burger King are always hiring. You'd still have to handle meat and buns on a daily basis, but at least they wouldn't be attached to some fat, sweaty cow who's going to hurl insults at you. There have to be better ways to earn a living than being demoralized by your government and your less than willing customers. To me showing up to do this every day just doesn't seem worth the pay. It's not like anybody's making a million dollars doing this, at least not the people who have to do the real dirty work.

I'd love to see this protest happen. The public needs to stop flying, but more importantly, the TSOs need to band together and stop going along with this sham. You folks have it way worse than we do. We only have to go through it now and then, while your daily lives are an unending parade of scrote and boobage. If anybody should be mad as hell and unwilling to take it anymore, it should be all of you. Don't let the next TSA outrage story be about you. Serve your country in a meaningful way by doing pretty much anything else short of going into marketing or anything involving Wall Street.

I'm Messed Up In The Hospital, Smacked With Refried Beans

I really have to wonder if Dezmen Silas was taking lessons from the guys who brought a meat thermometer to a theatre. It's the only way I can explain why he had a can of refried beans at a nightclub!

Carlos Harris, a bouncer, asked Silas to leave because he saw him light up a joint. But Silas did not want to go, so he got hoofed out the door by Harris. Somehow, in his travels, he picked up a can of beans, or had one in his pocket. In any case, surveillance footage shows him pulling the can from his pocket and hucking it at Harris's face. I guess he gave him a pretty good gash.

Beans? Why? If he didn't carry them into the bar, where the hell would he get a can of beans? That's just weird.

Tim Hortons, Now With Debit!

Woohoo! This is pretty good news. In a few days, I can go in to Tim Hortons and pay by debit! Yes! Yes!

It's always such a pain. If I decide I want Timmy's, I have to make sure I have cash. What if I don't know where the nearest bank machine is? What if I have to go to one of those private ones that doesn't talk, so I have to get assistance, and then I get dinged for using one of those machines on top of it all? Yuck!

Now, if I decide to get a sandwich and stuff, or a dozen doughnuts, I can pay by debit. I'd feel a little silly putting one doughnut on debit, but I think a meal is something different.

Woohoo! Timmy's isn't all about cash anymore! The article says there'll be a few Timmy's standalone kiosks that won't be able to do it, but for the most part, it's gonna happen!

It's Our Business To Touch Yours

I can't remember the last time I laughed at something I saw on Saturday Night Live, but this is pretty funny.TSA pat downs: Something else to be thankful for.

Santa In Audio-Ho-Ho

Here's a little something I got from Jen. But first, I have to ramble for a second.

When I was a kid, I never did the letter to Santa thing the way most kids do it. Most kids write their letter, maybe they get a little help, they address it and send it off, and they get a letter back. But I had no idea that Santa also could read Braille, so I would always dictate my letter to my mom or my teacher, and they'd send it off, and if I got one back, which I can't remember if I ever did get one, they'd have to read it to me. Hmmm. It sort of takes away from the coolness factor of writing to Santa, doesn't it?

I learned later on that Santa reads Braille, and he also replies in Braille. If I'd only known!

But I have also learned today that Santa sends audio letters! If you want Santa to write you an audio letter, send him an email at santa@pressakey.net and within 48 hours, you will get a personal audio message! How cool is that?

So, there's some pretty neat news right there.

Helpin' Out The Searching Folk

22 Nov, Mon, 01:13:57
Google:
can dogs ride on megabus

Here's your answer, Mr. googler.

megabus.com is unable to carry dogs or other animals, with the exception of trained service animals that allow disabled customers to perform necessary activities. Service animals must be properly harnessed and under the direct control of the customer at all times.

So pets, nope, service dogs, yep, and I know this, I've ridden a Megabus with the Trixter before.

Now He Nose That Wasn't Smart

All I found on this story was this little excerpt from a sports blog and an article you have to pay to see. But somewhere in Amherst, Massachusetts, a man tried to scratch his nose with a bb gun. It didn't end well.

A man at a Hobart Lane home who was trying to scratch his nose with the barrel end of a BB gun accidentally shot himself in the face Monday night. Police responded to the residence at 8:52 p.m. after the man, sitting on a bed and watching a movie, discharged a pellet up his right  nostril. He was taken by Amherst Fire Department ambulance to Cooley Dickinson Hospital in Northampton for what police described as a non-life-threatening injury.

Come on. There are safer ways to scratch your nose, dude.

Now They're Ushering Her To Jail

Here's another lesson, this one courtesy of Bonnie Usher of New Hampshire.

If you're going to rob a place, make sure your getaway vehicle is not sporting a vanity plate with your name on it. Well, it was B-Usher, but that's close enough. It didn't take long before police were knocking on her door with an arrest warrant.

Welcome To Drunken Donuts

Here's a lesson, courtesy of an unnamed 22-year-old Vancouver, B.C. man. If you're going to rob a donut shop and use a knife as a weapon, don't do it while drunk, because you might fall on your own weapon. Needless to say, all he got out of the deal was a trip to the hospital to treat the stab wound to his abdomen, and some nice criminal charges.

Did You Pack That Punch Yourself?

Even if you didn't mean that and you're just goofin' around that's all, it's still a poor idea topunch a TSA agent in the chest.Yes, this even applies to people like John Christina who probably aren't much of a threat, what with the two medical implants, fused wrist and colostomy bag.

About 3 p.m. Tuesday, John Christina, 51, of Simsbury, Conn., was proceeding through the security checkpoint at the airport, a police report states.

After he was scanned by the Advanced Imaging Technology machine, Christina asked TSA agent Gregory Hutman a question about the screening process, the report states.

Hutman, 28, of Vandalia, told Christina because he normally works at the Dayton International Airport, he was unsure of the answer.

At this point, Christina hit Hutman in the chest.

Luckily for him, Christina was only charged with misdemeanor battery and taken to jail. He was released the next day on $150 bond. No word on whether or not he's walking funny after a vicious cavity searchin'.

Disease Transplant?

Good lord. Please don't let our organ supply get so bad that our doctors start implanting diseased organs into patients awaiting transplants. A woman in the UK battling cystic fibrosis, for example, got a lung transplant. What they didn't tell her was she received the lungs of a chain smoker. She didn't make it long.

I don't have any words. I know it's hard to get healthy organs from people, since the person would in most cases have to croak first, but is it a good idea to give people organs from cancer-sufferers, people at high risk of carrying HIV, and obese people whose hearts wouldn't be able to go the distance anyway? Are you truly prolonging the life of the transplant patient, or are you just trying to check them off the list so it looks better?

How depressing.

We Take Communication For Granted Until We Can't Communicate

I feel like there's a post in here somewhere, but I don't know if I can find it.

I had the weirdest experience. I decided to play some online Uno. So, I logged in, and picked a game. What I didn't know was I joined a game with 3 people who don't speak English, nor do they speak any language that I had the slightest idea about. I tweeted a couple of the messages that they fired up to see if someone could tell me what language they were speaking, so maybe I could auto-translate it. I knew machine translaters can be bad, but at least I might have a shred of a clue.

Nobody could tell me what they were speaking, so I played Uno with a pack of folks speaking some foreign language and had no idea what they were saying.

I had written something in English, hoping maybe one of them would say their language's equivalent of "I don't speak English" so maybe I could figure it out, but after I spoke, my 3 fellow players spoke no more. I was so sad. They were having fun, and then I killed it!

I got thinking about how weird that was. Even if I'm having trouble in French, I might have a snowball's chance of figuring out what people are saying. If I lose grip on the conversation, chances are I'll get it again. I can't even fathom what it must feel like if you don't speak the language at all. Imagine if you have to leave your country and go somewhere, and you don't have a lot of choice in where you're going. Say you're running away, and you have to pick some place far. So, you end up somewhere where you don't speak the native language at all. Just imagine what a steep learning curve that would be. Just envision how much frustration you would feel.

And then, let's go one step further. Let's just say that you become ill and need help. Can you imagine receiving medical care when you can't understand what's going to happen? I know they can get interpreters, but what if they don't get one?

Or even scarier, picture that you have become injured so you can no longer speak or express what you're thinking. So, people are talking to you in what should be your native tongue, but they might as well be speaking Klingon. And good luck saying something back. You may want to tell them that you're scared or need to go to the bathroom or you're thirsty, but the words don't come.

And all this thought came from a game of Uno! Yes, I admit I'm weird.

Pat Burns Dies At 58

There are a lot of things that people willremember Pat Burns for,but to me he'll always be the guy who took the Toronto Maple Leafs, who were pretty much a laughing stock for a good part of the 80's and very early 90's, and brought them back to respectability. The most successful and fun to watch Leaf teams of my hockey fan life were coached by Pat Burns. I don't think I'd ever seen a more passionate coach than he was, a guy who lived and died with seemingly every play. He wore his emotions on his sleeve at times, but that was part of what made him so great. Pat Burns is a hall of famer if ever there was one, and it's a shame that the voters didn't do the right thing and put him in while he was still alive to see it.

He coached some great, tough hockey teams, and I have no doubt he was even greater and tougher as a person. You have to be tough to beat cancer twice, then live from 2009 until now with it a third time while not taking anymore treatment.

"I know my life is nearing its end and I accept that. As for my career, I always said to my kids, ‘you don’t cry because it’s over, you’re happy because it happened.’ That’s the main thing. I’m happy it happened."
--Pat Burns.

Thanks for the memories and rest in peace, coach.

We're Out Of Gas And She's Out Of Time

Other than just because it's Mexico, how does stuff likethishappen?

Darlene Ferguson was among those who died in last weekend's explosion at the Grand Riviera Princess resort in Playa del Carmen. However, there's perhaps a sporting chance she may not have if any or all of the following had not occurred:

• She hadn't been taken to 3 different medical facilities,
• it didn't take 3 hours for her to finally get some treatment,
• the ambulance workers hadn't hooked her up to the respirator the wrong way,

and

• the ambulance hadn't run out of gas during the trip.

And to add insult to injury, when the gas ran out, Ferguson's daughter Katie was asked to pay for the refill.

This is the kind of thing that would get companies shut down and sued back to the dark ages in Canada and I hope most other developed countries, but why do I get the feeling that it'll just be treated as business as usual in Mexico?

Stop The Meter

I always thought it was the job of the CRTC to encourage competition in the industries it oversees rather than to kill it dead, but based on the usage-based internet billing decision it shat out recently, I guess I was wrong.

The Commission has ruled that not only can companies like Bell and Rogers bill individuals based on how many gigs we blow through during a cycle, but that they can also do the same thing to smaller ISPs who rent lines from them to run their own services. What this means essentially is that for these smaller companies, running a competitive service is now next to impossible. Not only will they be unable to offer a quality, unlimited package, but they'll have to raise the cost of offering up the same old crap that the big guys offer on a smaller scale. The small providers don't have the same abilities to undercut each other as Bell and Rogers do and can't afford to lose money providing deals, which will effectively put them out of business because honestly, how many people are going to pay more to get less. Actually make that a lot more to get less, because Bell and Rogers have made an entire industry out of raising rates while decreasing service levels.

You can read more, including the full text of the ruling, by goinghere.

And if this makes you angry and you think it's wrong,sign the Stop The Meter petition.Well over 12000 people have already done so, including me. I hope you will too.

This Idea's Got Crash Written All Over It

I just saw a story about a personal aircraft requiring minimal training and no pilot's license and my mind screamed nooo! It didn't stop screaming when they referred to these things as "Segways of the sky." Yeah, because we need people flying planes like they drive Segways. That's comforting.

I know that each of these babies costs $100000, so the sky likely won't be littered with flying maniacs, but the whole idea still seems like it has disaster written all over it.

If the manufacturer feels that minimal training is required, will the people flying these things be required to check in with Air Traffic control? If not, how will other planes be able to avoid them? And, if they're not given a lot of training, will they be able to understand any instructions given to them if they get lost or need help?

I know I probably sound like an old woman, but there's a reason that pilots are required to get licenses and put in hours of training. It's because flying is difficult and complicated, far more than driving a car is.

If these things make it out on the market, I wonder how long it'll be before we start seeing reports of accidents involving these Segways of the sky. I'm especially interested in how many of these accidents will be deemed to have been caused by inadequate training. Or maybe I'll be all wrong and it'll all work out fine. I guess only time will tell.

He's Just Putting On An Itchy And Scratchy Show!

I saw the story of Charles Lickteig, a supervisor of a sex offender treatment program, getting busted for exposing himself at a traffic light, and thought I should probably post it. Then I forgot about it. Plus I couldn't think of much to say except hmmm...wonder how it'll feel to be a member of the classes he used to supervise.

But now that his lawyer has spun a fine tale about how he wasn't masturbating, but dealing with a poison ivy problem, I have more to say.

I guess he's trying to save this guy's career by saying that the woman just misunderstood, you see, and what she took to be him exposing his junk and masturbating was actually him trying to, erm, deal with a really bad case of Poison Ivy. It was really, really bad! Yup, because we often attend to intimate problems at a traffic light, while other motorists are watching. Uh-huh. That's perfectly normal.

What's even weirder is how long he took to, uh, deal with the Poison Ivy problem. A woman was able to drive up beside him, make eye contact with him, and then come back to the same intersection to get his plate number. Yup. He was just dealing with a Poison Ivy problem. I think he would have been far better off to go somewhere like a bathroom if he had to deal with something llike that, rather than playing with things in an intersection.

Good luck with arguing that in court. I'll be surprised if it works.

Get Out Of My Way, Or I'll Mow You Down!

If you're going to rob a place, it might be a good idea to use a more powerful weapon than a stick, disguise your face better than having a towel partially covering it, and most importantly, have a better getaway vehicle than a lawnmower. In case you didn't know, lawn tractors don't usually move that fast, and they're kinda obvious.

It's no surprise that Ricky New has already been caught, police knew exactly who he was, and it didn't take long to find him.

A lawnmower? seriously?

Listen, People. Faking Cancer Is Not A Good Idea

What is with all the cancer-fakers? Our latest one is Christopher Gordon, a guy who convinced his family and friends he had brain cancer. Then after they raised money for him, he spent it, and confessed that um, nope, I don't have any such thing.

Can you imagine being there when he told bunches of people who care about him that he just defrauded them? That would have been an ugly scene. And again, I say I hope he never gets an actual illness, because nobody will believe him.

There's Nothing Like A Nice, Relaxing Drive With The Family

Some families have game night. Some families have story time. Some families have days at the park. And some families, well, some families havepass out in a car full of drugs in a gas station parking lot while the 2-year-old boy in your lap plays with some methadone bottles night.

The driver, 29-year-old Adin David Nicol, and passenger, 22-year-old were unresponsive and did not appear to be breathing. Officers say they shook and yelled at them for some time but got no response.

When police opened the driver’s side door, Nicol nearly fell and dropped the baby from his lap. The responding deputy quickly caught the baby before he hit the ground.

Officers were finally able to wake both subjects. Five bottles of Methadone prescribed to both Nicol and Sangiovanni were found in the car.

The deputy also found Roxycodone pills along with a small orange straw that tested positive for opiates.

Each has been charged with child neglect and the Department of Children and Families is investigating. Nicol was also popped for a DUI, while Sangiovanni was hit with charges of Possession of Roxycodone and Possession of Drug Paraphernalia. Both are currently in jail without bond.

If He Were To Take Those On, He Might Clip The Wings Off The Plane!

Excuse me, soldiers returning from Afghanistan on a military charter flight? Yes it's me, the TSA. I have no problem with you taking all of those pistols and assault rifles aboard,but those nail clippers are going to have to come with me.

So we’re in line, going through one at a time. One of our Soldiers had his Gerber multi-tool. TSA confiscated it. Kind of ridiculous, but it gets better. A few minutes later, a guy empties his pockets and has a pair of nail clippers. Nail clippers. TSA informs the Soldier that they’re going to confiscate
his nail clippers. The conversation went something like this:

TSA Guy: You can’t take those on the plane.

Soldier: What? I’ve had them since we left country.

TSA Guy: You’re not suppose to have them.

Soldier: Why?

TSA Guy: They can be used as a weapon.

Soldier: [touches butt stock of the rifle] But this actually is a weapon. And I’m allowed to take it on.

TSA Guy: Yeah but you can’t use it to take over the plane. You don’t have bullets.

Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?

TSA Guy: [awkward silence]

Me: Dude, just give him your damn nail clippers so we can get the f**k out of here. I’ll buy you a new set.

Soldier: [hands nail clippers to TSA guy, makes it through security]

Not Sure If He Is One, But If So, It Might Be Time For A New Hobby

There's not a lot to this story about a fellow accidentally shooting himself in the leg with a gun he bought at a gun show, but since his name isMichael Hunter,yeah, that's a post.

Down Goes The Booze, Here Come The Cops, Where Goes My Kid?

Thankfully the story ofDylan Kurihara,a 3-year-old California boy who was the subject of an Amber Alert after going missing while attending a wedding with his father last month, has a happy ending. He was found safe and sound the next day and returned home.

Unfortunatley for Joe Kurihara, the boy's father, his story won't be ending quite as happily, but that's what happens when you're the reason for the Amber Alert.

Dylan and his father had gone to a wedding Saturday night, reported CNN affiliate KABC. When he did not return home, his mother reported him missing to police Sunday morning.

Police began their investigation and discovered the father had been arrested about 10:30 p.m. Saturday for public intoxication.

"The father, identified as Joe Kurihara, does not recall being with the child due to his level of intoxication," police said at the time. "He was on foot at the time of his arrest and officers did not know that he was in charge of the child."

Police then sought public assistance in finding the boy.

As mentioned earlier, Dylan was found safe and unharmed. He was found late that Sunday night sitting in a parked car, sleeping in his car seat.

Police haven't decided what if anything they may charge Joe Kurihara with. There has to be something, but perhaps the fact that Dylan was found in a car seat might work in his favour since hey, at least he did one thing right that day.

Which One Do We Take, The One With The Concussion Or The One With The Brain Damage?

Seriously, where do they find the ignoramuses they're putting in charge of schools nowadays?

During a football game on October 29th at Del Mar High School In Campbell, California, Keanu Gallardo suffered a concussion. Sensibly, an ambulance was called to assist. But completely...unsensibly(?), when it arrived, principal Liz Seaburyblocked it from coming onto the field to retrieve him because it had recently been remodelled and was off limits to motor vehicles because they may damage it.Due to her actions, the emergency crew was forced to haul a gurney 75 yards down the field to get to the boy.

Seabury says that she was only following orders from the School District which may be true, but where's the common sense in that? You can fix the field any time, but if you wait too long, there's no fixing that kid. School principals are supposed to set a good example for the students they supervise, and mindlessly obeying a retarded directive from above at the expense of somebody's health is pretty far from a good example. And if the district said no vehicles other than emergency ones, then that makes things even worse and I have to question whether Ms. Seabury is fit to make decisions at all.

The district superintendent, meanwhile, hasissued an apology to the boy and his family,and sent out a memo reminding staff that emergency vehicles in the bad places = A ok. Should have sent somebody out to slap them up side the head while he was at it.

Talk To That Woman And Experience Petkov Pedal Power. You Have Been Warned

A while ago Carin brought you the story ofJennifer Petkov,the useless waste of skin and air who harassed a family with a terminally ill child for more than two years because she felt slighted by them.

Well, she's back in the news again, this time forattempting to run down Tana Boling, another neighbour.

"When I got like so far out in the street, she (came) speeding out of the driveway right towards me, and if I wouldn't (have) got out of her way there's no doubt she would have hit me," Boling told reporters after a run-in or at least what was close to one in October.

And what, you're likely wondering, did she do to anger the mighty Petkov? Well, according to Boling, at the time of the incident, she was walking across the street to chat with Rebecca Rose, the grandmother of the sick child.

But wait, there's more.

"Last summer, she threatened me. Told me she was going to kill me," said Boling.

Petkov was charged with assault with a dangerous weapon and wreckless driving in connection with the incident. Her family has put up 10% of the $75000 bond to get her out of jail, and her supporters, a concept which seems impossible to me, say they have surveillance footage that should be enough to get the charges dropped. The whole thing has been blown out of proportion, her lawyer says. Over-exaggerated, a family friend calls it.

But folks around the neighbourhood say they exaggerate nothing and that Petkov has "no remorse" and "needs some mental help."

I have a feeling we haven't heard the last of this by a longshot.

I Like This Song A Little, Even Though It Sucks A Lot

The Colonel and the Gang - "Costs Just a Little, Love 'Em A Lot"

This is by far the worst song I've heard in some time, but since it's a rap song from 1987 designed to train Kentucky Fried Chicken employees on the finer points of making Chicken Littles and shoestring fries, I wouldn't have expected it to be anything else. And when I say rap, I mean that in the absolute loosest sense of the word. At times I'm not even sure it qualifies as rhythmic. Oh, and who's bright idea was it to use the words golden shower in a song about food? Forget the benefits of hindsight, I think this would have been completely god awful in 1987. But its god awfulness is exactly what makes it great, and I wish I had known about this years ago when we did bad music day at CFRU. So, Um, enjoy...er something.

Amazon.bomb

I hopethis guyfeels like an idiot, and I have to wonder if maybe there needs to be something he can be charged with. I understand better safe than sorry, but seriously now.

Hudson -- A Sullivan Road resident called police to report a "suspicious package" on his front porch Nov. 2 at 3:20 p.m.

The resident said he observed an unknown person leave the package and called police, according to the police report.

The officer said he could see the package was clearly labeled with the Amazon.com logo and asked the man if he had ordered anything from the firm recently.

The man reportedly said "Why yes, I did."

The officer told the resident his order had arrived. The resident then said he was comfortable opening the box. The officer then left the scene, according to the report.

Something's Raising, But It Doesn't Look Like A Barn

Q: What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, Sweet Jesus Annie! Hide your eyes! Clip clop, clip clop?
A:Amish people who were unlucky enough to have a run-in with Jason Morrison.

The 33-year-old, for reasons unexplained, had a thing for driving up to buggies driven by the Amish and exposing himself to them, according to police. Now and then he would even go the extra mile by getting out of his vehicle while "making gestures indicative of masturbation" at them. It's not known at this point how many incidents Morrison may be responsible for, but several were reported late last month.

He faces a misdemeanor public indecency charge, but is currently free after posting $250 bond. Seems like a small price to pay if you ask me.

Help The OHRC Identify Discrimination Faced By Those With Mental Health Disabilities

Boy, I just keep linking to more surveys.

This one is from the Ontario Human Rights Commission. They're researching the barriers faced by those with a mental health or addiction disability. They want to hear from those with a mental health disability in Ontario, or anyone who cares about someone with such a disability. They hope this will help them write anti-discrimination policies on the subject.

Go read about it heare, and if you want to, fill it out.

Somebody's Gonna Give Me 3 Months In Jail!

There's an update to the story ofMelissa Lee Williams,she of the non-eaten/non-fumigated vagina.

She today pleaded guilty to assault and wassentenced to 90 days in jail.

Maybe somebody can eat the thing for her while she's in there. Can't be much worse than prison food from what I hear.

OMG TEH MEAN MAN JUST TOOK MY PHONE!

Thisis just one of the many reasons why it's a bad idea to sit near the front at a comedy show texting like an asshole.

Nothing makes me more angry than seeing someone in the audience texting while I am doing my show. Its incredibly rude and, unfortunately, it is becoming more and more common. This woman clearly wasn't paying attention to me, and since she was close enough, I grabbed her phone. That got her attention, and hopefully this video will get the attention of the rest of the self centred jerks who don't seem to get that "Please turn off your cell phone" applies to them too.

If you've never seen Glen Foster, check him out if he comes to your town or a town you happen to be in. Funny as hell and a pretty nice guy, too. Just leave your phone put away where it belongs.

You Can Walk In, But We Don't Have To Take You And We Don't Have To Tell You That

I should start off by saying that no, I didn't have a bad experience at the walk-in clinic today, in fact it was pretty great from a blind dude needing customer service perspective. Everybody I dealt with was nice and helpful, so thank you, Campus Estates. I'm glad I can say that, because if I had met up with the wrong end of a policy you seem to have, this post and the rant I likely would have unleashed in the building wouldn't be so nice.

If you're following the still kind of shiny new Twitters, you may know that I've been having some problems with my left eye. I got an eyelash in it the other day and it hasn't been the same since. At first I thought it was something that was going to take care of itself, but yesterday evening pretty much punched me in the face while screaming otherwise, so off to the clinic I went this morning. $40 plus on cabs and $30 worth of eye drops that weren't covered by my benefits later, I'm back home with some drops to take care of what they say is a simple little infection. Yay, I like simple. Simple is good.

But moving on, it's the $40 plus worth of cabs that I'd like to focus on here.

When looking up what we have for walk-in clinics in Guelph (it sure didn't take long since there aren't many of them), I saw a note in the listing for the only one in town that's open during the day that said "Please note: these hours depend on patient volume and doctor availability and are subject to change without notice." Without notice? Hmm, that's not good. I need to cab there because I'm not overly familiar with the area and even if I was, my eye was causing a distraction to the point that I'm not sure I'd feel completely comfortable walking and taking buses. I am however familiar enough with the area to know that getting from where I am to where the eye drops are via taxi ain't gonna be cheap. So I did the logical thing and called the phone number that was listed. I was greeted by a recorded message saying pretty much the same thing that the website had told me, basically that if they felt like it, they'd shut the place down. Conveniently, there was no way to speak to a human or even to leave a message. In a sense I totally get that because you don't need everybody and his brother calling you to ask about itchy asses and genital deformities, but it would have been nice to know that I wasn't about to spend a pile of money for no reason.

Thankfully I took my chances and was rewarded by an open clinic and quick service, but the fact that I might not have been so lucky and there would be nothing I could do about it is just plain wrong. There's no way I'm the only person who would be cabbing there, and I'd love to know how many people have been screwed over by this without notice stuff. If I had been I'd be raising hell to anybody I could find until I got my wasted $40 back, but a lot of people aren't me and would probably just shut up and take it.

This is one policy that needs changing for the sake of doing right by people, or at the very least if the volume of patients doesn't justify keeping the joint running, change the recording on the machine to reflect that so we'd know when we called that there's no point in making the trip. Doesn't seem to me that this would be all that hard, and I hope you'll consider it. It would be the nice, fair and proper thing to do.

He Put More Than Her Face On Her Facebook

Thanks Ro for the lead on this one.

There are two lessons we can all take from this little story. 1. Don't give people you don't know very well access to naked pictures of yourself, and 2. Do not give people access to passwords to important stuff like your email, banking info, and in this case, Facebook. If you do not heed these two little warnings, this may happen to you.

according to this kinda poorly-written article from NY Daily News, Joshua Simon Ashby had been dating a woman for nearly five months. Within those five months he had texted her threatening to kill her, and knocked her down breaking her cellphone. Wow, hang on to this one, sounds like a keeper.

Finally, in what a judge is calling a drunken rage, he logged into her Facebook and put up a naked picture of her.

At first, it was only visible to her friends. But oh no, that was not enough for Ashby. He modified the profile settings so it was available to any Facebooker. Then, he altered her password so she couldn't pull it down. Now, because of all of that, he's off to jail for four months, which is almost the length of time he was dating her.

I hope the woman learns from this little experience and a. picks better dudes to date, and b. isn't so free with her private information next time.

An Out Of Sight Christmas Gift

Once again we're plugging something for our old buddy Anton. After all this free publicity, when he and the Shoe Thief finally have to square upthe bet,it had better be good.

Out of Sight Productions is excited to announce a special presentation of music and spoken word to celebrate the Christmas spirit 

Out of Sight Productions' incredible team of actors, singers, sound designers, and animators will be creating song and theatre magic for your enjoyment, and this Christmas we are proud to present the debut of the Out of Sight Singers. 

An Out of Sight Christmas Gift will be performed at the CNIB Auditorium, 749 Base Line Road East:

Friday, December 10 at 3:00pm and 7:30pm

Saturday, December 11 at 3:00pm and 7:30pm

Sunday, December 12 at 3:00pm 

Admission is free - a small donation to help support the work of Out of Sight Productions would be gratefully appreciated. 

For further information, please contact Kelly MacDonald, Company Director, Out of Sight Productions at:

Phone: 519-675-0379

Email: info@oosproductions.com

Web: www.oosproductions.com 

Out of Sight Productions thanks you for your support.

It's Road Rage Raspberry!

Wow, these two drivers need to chill out. After playing a little game of cutting each other off and tailgating each other, one of them decided to hurl a carton of yogourt at the other. The other didn't like this much, so whipped out a gun. Luckily he did not shoot it. They each called the cops at this point, and were urged to pull off the road. We have now learned that yogourt, like potatos, can be considered to be a missile. They have both learned, also, that the way they acted was not cool.

You're Setting A Bad Example For Our Son, And I'm So Angry About It That I Have No Choice But To...Set A Bad Example For Our Son

Adyan Sanchez is right about one thing. It was wrong for her boyfriend Roberto Olvera to call her a bitch in front of their 1-year-old son. However, I can think of a thousand better ways for her to have made this point thanthrowing a plateful of tamales on him.

According to a police report, deputies responded to a 911 call from the Bradenton home shared by the couple. Upon their arrival, officers found the alleged victim, Roberto Olvera, with “tamale sauce all over his pants.”

As officers were interviewing Olvera, Sanchez, a cop noted, “burst in interrupting him telling him to tell me that he called her a bitch” during an argument earlier in the day, and that “she threw the tamales on him because she is not going to let him call her a bitch in front of her son and get away with it.”

She was booked into jail on a misdemeanor battery charge, but later released after posting $500 bond.

Oh, and I'm sure all of you with school-aged children in the area will be delighted to hear that this woman works as a teacher's assistant. I guess if nothing else she'll be a great living example when it comes time for conflict resolution lessons.

Goin' To The Jailhouse, And I'm Not Gettin' Married

It's a sad fact of life that not all marriage proposals are going to go well. Yes, now and then, the answer is going to be no.

Such was the case last Thursday afternoon at a Burger Stop restaurant in Pico Rivera, California, when Francisco Hernandez,, 22, proposed to a woman only identified as Stacy. Even though he had gone to the trouble of writing "Stacy Will You Marry Me?" on the back window of his car, it wasn't enough.

But instead of taking his lumps like a man and perhaps going for a few pints or spending some time alone to figure out where he went wrong, police say Hernandez decided that the best thing he could do would be toattempt to run down young Stacy with the will you marry me car.

Hernandez allegedly drove onto the sidewalk through some bushes and into the restaurant parking lot, narrowly missing the woman, Berg said. Hernandez then allegedly tried to drive away from the scene with two flat tires.

He left the car and ran off, but witnesses pointed out his car to deputies, officials said.

He was arrested a short time later and charged with assault with a deadly weapon. At the time of his arrest, he was reportedly walking down the street carrying a bouquet of flowers. Hey, why not? You never know when the next Stacy might come along.

Nice Guys Usually Finish Last, But They Can Catch VD As Quickly As Anybody Else

Not sure what I'm more worried about. VD, or getting this1969 PSA song about VDstuck in my head. I'm worried that even if I'm nice or healthy looking, I still may catch myself humming along with it.

Take The 2010 HAC Survey

While I'm plugging surveys, I might as well put this one up. I won't be able to take it, but somebody might be able to use it. Here's a brief explanation of the survey.

November 12, 2010

The 2010 Hearing Aid Compatibility Survey conducted by the Wireless RERC

The Hearing Aid Compatibility Act of 1988 (HAC Act) requires that landline telephones manufactured or imported for use in the United States after August 1989 be hearing aid-compatible. In 2003, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) adopted rules to make digital wireless telephones (cellphones) compatible with hearing aids and cochlear implants.

The Wireless Rehabilitation Engineering Research Center (Wireless RERC) monitors this regulation and is interested in how it impacts the usability of cell phones for people who use hearing aids and cochlear implants.

We invite people who use hearing aids or cochlear implants to participate in the survey regarding your use of your cell phone. We plan to conduct this survey annually to track any changes in cell phone and hearing aid compatibility.

So, if you use a hearing aid and a cellphone, go take the survey.

Survey On The Disappearance of Full Service Gas Stations

This is pretty cool.

Back a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned the decreasing presence of full service gas stations. Well, someone is conducting a survey so they can bring those concerns to government bodies. Eddie Rice is hoping that stronger language can be built into legislation that stipulates that folks have to assist those who can't get out of their car and pump their own gas.

So, if you drive and you live around here, at least in the province of Ontario, fill out the survey and send it to him. This may be the beginning of something.

Radio Interview Round Two For Me

Remember back when I said I was doing some research to do with recreation in Guelph? Well, I sent my request for information to Jan Hall, the one who interviewed me last time, and she invited me up for another interview! Yea! So, tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'll be headin' for CFRU's studios. I'll get interviewed between 8 and 9. So if you guys want to listen, turn your radio to CFRU 93.3 FM if you live in Guelph, or tune in over the internet.

Again, wish me luck. I did ok the last time. Let's hope I'm just as lucky this time.

Put This Guy In A Jail Cell With No Toilet, See How He Likes It

The story of what happens when you confine 40 cats to part of your home and then don't give them a litter box sounds like a tall tale, but it's true. Just ask the veterinarians who came to take the cats away from Kevin Lamar Addison.

Veterinarians were treating the animals Wednesday for conjunctivitis, upper respiratory infections, dermatitis, open wounds, urine burns on skin and fur and chronic narrowing of passageways because of ammonia levels in the home. Ammonia levels become unsafe at a reading of 25; it was 38 in Addison's home.

Investigators and veterinarians entered the home wearing knee-high rubber boots, jumpsuits, masks and other gear to protect themselves from the filthy conditions, Ryan said. Clothes worn inside had to be thrown away. The home reeked from 15 feet away.

"The floor was so soaked with animal waste that it was moving. It was unstable," Ryan said.

And Addison did this because he feared the strays were going to be rounded up because they were causing a nuissance. They'd be better off being rounded up. At least they'd be treated humanely.

Now he's asking for two of the cats back, and Animal Services is saying "Not if we can help it."

That's just gross...and to confine them in that part of the house and then seal up all the windows is even more disgusting. I hope Animal Services gets that order from a judge banning this guy from owning any more animals.

She's Stocking Shelves, He's Stalking Prey

Did Nathan Hensley want to get caught? Why else would he flash an employee, then pay with a government voucher complete with ID moments later? Eeewww. Can you imagine stocking shelves, with a guy talking to you but you've got your back turned, and then you hear "Look how big it is"? When you turn around, you're looking at a big ol' bone, shall we say.

And after he scared the woman, he bought his purchases with a voucher from the Women, Infants, and Children nutrition program. Does that mean he has kidlets? Oh dear.

A Rather Unmemorable Remembrance Day Ceremony

Yesterday the huppy's mom called me up and asked me if I wanted to go to the Remembrance Day service. I hadn't been to one in years, I don't know why, so I said sure. Part of me wanted to see how the huppy would handle a 21-gun salute, although that same part of me dreaded how Trix would handle it. But I thought it's only 3 bangs, she'll probably be fine.

There were two services: one at the Cenotaph and one at the Sleeman Centre. The huppy's mom wanted to go to the Sleeman Centre because it was inside. I said ok. After going, I wish I'd gone to the Cenotaph. I don't know what it was, but there was just something wrong with the one at the Sleeman Centre.

Perhaps things started off on the wrong foot because I had stumbled across this little article, in which a veteran was not happy with the whole Sleeman Centre ceremony. But as we headed in, we saw some veterans walking in with us, so I thought "Ok, that's just one guy's opinion."

We sat down, and the masses seemed to flow in and flow in and flow in. It's good to see so many coming, but they continued to flow as the band played. They made so much conversation that I couldn't hear the band. This was not a good beginning.

Then, they dimmed the lights and the masses continued to talk. Hellooo? Should there be so much merry chatter at a Remembrance Day service? I could hear the snack bar dispensing fountain drinks. Whaaaat?

Finally, people simmered down after many many shushings. I had hope again. There were cadets doing there thing and laying of wreaths and marching. Then we had 3 different prayers by 3 different ministers. Hmmm. Ok. As long as they get to "In Flanders Fields" and some veterans speak I can live with this.

I'm trying to remember the order of things. I think we had the 21-gun salute and the whole playing of the Last Post and Reveille with the 2 minutes silence. Then everything, I felt, got sidetracked. Instead of hearing from veterans and their actual experience, we got a lot of political talk. First it was a city councilor on behalf of the mayor. At least she sort of made her speech personal. Then it was our MPP. She introduced Dr. William Winegard, an actual veteran! Good!

He talked a bit about losing playmates and friends, and how he appreciated being thanked by random people for doing what he had done. But his speech turned more into telling us that we have to accept what the government wants our military to do, and sometimes that involves peacemaking. He also chastized the government for the dishonourable way in which veterans are treated upon coming home. Ok. I can accept that from a dude who actually fought in the war.

But what killed me was what came next. Our MP, Frank Valeriote, got up and thanked Dr. Winegard for his very moving speech that really brought home the reality of what it was like fighting in the war. Pardon? He hardly talked about his actual experiences fighting in the war. I felt it kind of made Valeriote look like a bit of a fool.

There were poems read and hymns sung and we sang O Canada and God Save the Queen...and then it was over. At no point did we read "In Flanders Fields." Could we have had less political talk and a little more, um, remembrance?

What also disturbed me was in the middle of the proceedings, a troop of kids started moving around, talking, and I believe they left! They left! In the middle of the ceremony, whoever was in charge of them told them to get up and leave! What does that teach the kids about paying respects to veterans?

So yeah, the whole ceremony left me pretty unimpressed. I came home thinking "Gee, what was that? Was it a Remembrance Day service, or a political opportunity?" Am I the only one who thought this? I would love to know.

But I'm glad I went. I guess it's better than not going to anything.

As an aside, Trix didn't seem too phased by the 21-gun salute, and...the poor huppy loudly proclaimed "Yea!" at a few points, making us chuckle. The little huppy'll have to learn about the moment of silence later.

These Are Beans? I'll Bean You!

Meet Frederick Wilkes, a man who doesn't want to be without his ricotta cheese. He, his wife, and a buddy of theirs were going to have lasagna. But when he opened the fridge and found there was only beans in a container that once held the beloved cheese, the blows began to rain down. He even locked her out of their apartment, and she ended up being found dead in their driveway.

It could have been that Wilkes and his wife and their buddy named Mario Donnarumma had been into quite a bit of rumma that day. It didn't get any better when Donnarumma went to the store to get the cheese, but only came back with more booze. All we know is by the end of the night, Wilkes had exchanged blows with his wife Theresa Kenna Wilkes, thrown beans on her, and then heaved her and a bean-covered couch out into the street. By morning, she was found all scraped up and dead on their driveway and they don't know why.

And all that was over cheese. Really? They had been married for 28 years and raised two kids and things ended this way over cheese?

Oh Maggie, Maggie May, They Should Have Taken You Away...

What a depressing start to the day.

We've talked about several kids being tossed in the dryer. Now, a mom who was high on drugs put her ten-day-old baby in the washing machine with the dirty laundry and turned on the machine! It's no surprise the baby's dead.

Oh this just makes me sad beyond words, especially since this isn't the first kid Lyndsey Fiddler has neglected.

The Price Of Spending A Weekend Accomplishing Nothing

What is believed to be the final bill for the G8 and G20 meetings we hosted back in June is in, and it's$857,901,850.31.

Much likeParatransit,this is both good and bad. It's good because it's about 25% less than the1.1 billion plus that the government had planned for,but it's bad because well, it's still $857,901,850.31 spent for no good reason.

Seriously, what did we as a country get out of all this money? Are we better off? Nope, can't say as we are. Is the world a better place or headed in that direction? Nope, can't say as it is. Near as I can figure it, the several truckloads of cash dumped into this useless money pit went towards thousands of people getting beaten, arrested and held in cages without having done anything wrong, several Toronto businesses losing much needed revenue, Toronto being shut down and then looted by hooligans, and us being lied to about what powers police did and didn't have by the Ontario government and Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair, who comes off whenever his mouth opens as one of the most dishonest and untrustworthy sacks of crap in some time. But hey citizens, it was a bargain!...And the fine art we rented and thefake lakewe put in the middle of that giant building we built because we needed one for a couple of days were pretty nice, so it's not a total loss...right?

An Unmanageable JAWS Keyboard Manager

Edit: It's not Thunderbird's scripts' fault because a demo of JAWS 12 even crashes when I try and open the keyboard manager and it doesn't know about those scripts. I'm so confused.

Here's a weird one, and I haven't been able to find the answer anywhere, so hey, why not put it up here? Maybe the answer will come to me.

This morning, Jen was screwing around with Qwitter. She discovered that when she hits the keystroke for follow, it brings up a select a language dialog. Hmm. Qwitter doesn't have one of those. So, I figured out that something else had made the keystroke and tied it into JAWS somehow. I managed to get her to hit pass key through and then hit the keystroke and it worked.

So I thought the solution would be to go into keyboard manager and see how easy it is to find that keystroke and change it or remove it or something. I hit keyboard manager...and...my computer went down with a thud. Even the Dr. Watson postmortum thingamabobber came up. That thing only comes up when it's bad bad times for you.

I thought "well hmmm this is perplexing." I tried everything, and no matter what I did, any time I tried to open JAWS keyboard manager, either through run JAWS manager or through the utilities sub menu of JAWS, my computer went into a hairy conniption. This happened if I used either JAWS 9 or 10. I can open the other managers no problem, it's just the keyboard one.

So I asked Steve to do it too. Ker smash! Down he went, seemingly even more thunderously than I did.

Hmmm. So why are both of our JAWSes broken in the same way? We have lots of things in common, but that's just weird. The only things we've both done recently would be install the scripts for Mozilla Thunderbird and we installed Qwitter. But this happened even when I closed Qwitter, so I'm really wondering if it's Thunderbird's scripts.

I have downloaded a demo of JAWS 12. I'm going to try and see if its keyboard manager crashes too. Then I'll know it isn't the Thunderbird scripts because they don't live there. But if it doesn't crash, then I'll know at least where to begin.

Has anyone else seen this? Please comment. I'm really stumped.

Expect Him To Use The "You Were Warned!" Defence

I'm not saying I condone whatMichael Yarbrough is said to have done,but really, what did the boss expect would happen?

According to a police report, Michael Yarbrough of the 400 block of Moritz Avenue in Glen Ellyn, was on his first day back at work Nov. 4 after spending two months off the job with a broken leg when one of his bosses told him to “shut up” after she said he wasn’t doing a satisfactory job inventorying some merchandise.

The 2.5-year employee was then pulled into a meeting with store management over the matter, police reports said. According to reports, he told the female boss who initially reprimanded him, “You’re lucky we’re on the clock.” Reports said the boss responded, “What are you going to do? Hit a girl?” The man replied “yes” and was subsequently fired, police said.

The fired worker then punched his former boss in the head, turned around and punched a male store manager in the face before walking out, the Downers Grove police report states.

Yarbrough has been ordered to stay away from the store and to have no contact with the people he punched. He was given a court date and released on $1500 bond.

Poopin' Out The Field Mice And Ploppin' 'Em On The Bed

Update: Not that it makes things any less creepy and gross, but it turns out that the mouse up our friend's ass was a computer mouse, not an I'm going to chew through your walls and fuck up your home mouse. Somebody should have told him that's not how backing things up is supposed to work.

I'm not sure how to begin here, because sometimes things are so strange that they take away my ability to even try coming up with anything witty. Then again in cases like this it's not like I need to, so I'll just tell the story.

24-year-old South Carolina man Noah Smith was picked up by Oconee County police who were responding to a reported break-in at an area home Saturday night. Smith, who was naked,, slapped, kicked and attempted to bite the officers, who responded with pepper spray, batons and a Taser. Once he was subdued he was taken to a local hospital emergency room, and that's where things get weird.

Smith reportedly told doctors that he had no memory of fighting with police, which makes sense because according to witnesses, drugs definitely appear to have been involved. Probably mushrooms of some kind, they say.

It was also in the emergency room that a stowaway was discovered in the form of a mouse which was for reasons yet to be explained lodged inside Smith's rectum. It was not noted whether the mouse was dead or alive, which seems like a much more important detail than it has any right to be.

Smith is being held without bond on charges of burglary, assault, resisting arrest, and indecent exposure.

I'm sure there's a mouse-related entrapment joke in here somewhere, but why should I get to have all the fun?

Misconceptions About Guide Dogs

Also got this from Amanda.

Carlos Palomino is compiling a list of sorts of misconceptions he's had to deal with to do with having a guide dog. Here's the beginnings of it. I can't believe that tons of people think they have to pick up the crap with their bare hands! Seriously? I always knew there was a bag involved. I was more worried about poop-leakage or mishaps or something. I've had kids think I'm picking up crap with my bare hands when the bags were clear, but that's different. I was more worried I'd have to stand there somehow paper toweling up pee off the already wet grass.

I really hope he fleshes this out. It could be entertaining for those who know better, informative for those who don't.

Party-Crasher

Thanks Amanda for this one.

Anthony Washington just wasn't getting into the playboy mansion. He should have realized that when security turned him away. But oh he was going to try again. So he climbed a tree...and fell to his death. It sounds like the branch he stood on just wasn't strong enough to hold him.

Now really, was getting into the Playboy mansion worth dying for?

Dealing In Stupidity

A little note to Walter Allen. Right out of the gate, the federal reserve doesn't deal in cheques. So, using a fake one to buy 2 Bentleys is a bad idea.

If you're going to use a fake cheque, don't use your real driver's license.

And while I'm at it, what the hell was a notary public doing coming down with him to the dealership to try and lend some validity to the whole thing? And why wasn't he charged?

Apparently this isn't Allen's first fake cheque, and it probably won't be his last. Hey, maybe he'll try and write a fake cheque for the $30000 needed to spring him from jail.

You Are Here?

Right off the bat I need to be up front with all of you. I've been putting off doing this because while I'm pretty sure I've got enough stuff to fill out the post, I'm not sure it's going to be all that good. I'm probably the only one, but I generally hold these things to a higher standard than most things I write here and don't like to use the same jokes over and over again, which is hard when you've been at this for more than 7 years. I'm at the mercy of what people decide to punch into search engines and click on, and if they're not original, then neither am I. But since Ro asked nicely, it's high time I stop whining about it and start making with the funny...or at least with the as funny as possible. So if this sucks you can either blame Ro or remember that I warned you in advance, and if it's good then I knew it all along, obviously.

14 Jan, Thu, 19:03:48
Google:
is ass grabbing a crime?

If it isn't, it certainly should be. It will, however, get youshotin some places, which I must say I'm not totally against. By the way, you must be a lot of fun at parties and grocery stores.

14 Feb, Sun, 16:03:30
Google:
dick pound asshole

Not sure if this fellow is expressing an opinion on thepersonor sharing his love for a favourite passtime, but whatever the case, I don't entirely disagree and stay safe, respectively.

25 Feb, Thu, 13:50:22
Google:
meaning of pounding

26 Feb, Fri, 11:33:07
Google:
smashin it

It's nice when you guys can answer each other's questions. See how good a feeling cooperation can be?

05 May, Wed, 20:17:21
Google:
how much guide dog a bone in a year

Think bout much as could be good what they need. Ask person know what mean you this by.

15 May, Sat, 20:50:32
Google:
movie about a guy that goes to jail and finds out who the judges son is and hes a very successful man then he frames him si they both goto jail and makes his life miserable

Does he make him more miserable than I am trying to make sense out of that mess? And yeah, I think I saw that one.

21 Jun, Mon, 09:20:22
Google:
professional poofreader

Clearly you need one. I on the ohter hnad, do not, sicne everyhting I writ is prefeckt.

06 Aug, Fri, 02:43:02
Google:
"these are your balls"

Sweet! I'd been looking for those!

24 Aug, Tue, 03:25:53
Yahoo:
john cena has abig penis

Is it bigger than Randy Orton's?

29 Sep, Wed, 16:36:35
  Google:
i'm thirty six years old

That's great. Want a cookie?

29 Sep, Wed, 16:00:52
Google:
steve's feet stink

Shit, you can smell them all the way from Google?

08 Oct, Fri, 23:09:55
Google:
"i can't feel my ears...can you ever feel your ears?"

This one seriously has me a tad concerned. Yeah, I can always feel my ears, I just reach up and touch 'em. If you can't do that, how did you type this? And how did the doctor's visit go? You did see a doctor about that...right?

15 Oct, Fri, 14:45:29
Google:
what can be shared with a friend

Things that can be shared with a friend include, but are not limited to:

• beer


• candy


• secrets


• ice-cream


• AIDS


• pizza

Hope that helps.

08 Nov, Mon, 09:48:33
Google:
ashley kirilow tap that ass

You know if you did that she'd just wind upfaking iton you. Oh, and stay classy.

08 Nov, Mon, 14:42:33
Google:
somebody is going to eat my pussy and cure my cancer

Ashley? Is that you?

You know, that wasn't so bad. Thanks Ro for making me finally write this up, and an even bigger thanks to all of the miscreants and perverts who make it possible.

Burning Questions

Note to Anne Semenovich: If you plan to kill your husband and then burn him in an incinerator, a. when asked what you need an industrial incinerator for, do not answer honestly. And b. When the incinerator fails to burn said husband's body, don't call the same repairmen who you told of your plans. Oh, you already did? Well, um, uh-oh.

If things went down the way prosecutors say they did, that's one screwed up family. The daughter was in on the plan, and she and the grandson helped carry dad/granddad's body into the incinerator. What kind of messed up family is this?

Any way you look at it, they've got some splainin' to do.

Is The Bigger Story The Crime Or That Somebody Still Uses MySpace?

You wouldn't be crazy to think that criminals would know better than to dostuff like thisby now. You would, however, be wrong.

The Sheriff's Office says a caretaker for the home on Sugarloaf Key reported the burglary. Preparing to remove hurricane shutters from a door, the caretaker saw someone sitting on the living room couch.

Deputies arriving at the house found no one inside, but they did find a back window open, empty soda and food containers, and some marijuana on a coffee table. The deputies also found a bedroom computer turned on and logged into the MySpace account of Robert Rupp, 18, of Big Coppitt Key, the Sheriff's Office said.

Rupp was tracked down and arrested a short time later. He told police that the reason he was inside the house was that it was cold outside. He now may be facing some time inside away from the elements, as he has been charged with burglary, possession of burglary tools and theft.