Does The K-E Stand For Killing Everyone?

I'll admit it. I could stand to lose a few pounds. A few more than a few, to be completely honest. But if this is what I'd have to resort to to do it, I'll happily remain my jolly, slightly doughy self.

Brides-to-be looking to shed that final 10, 15 or 20 pounds in order to fit into their dream wedding gown have taken a controversial approach to crash dieting that involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses for up to 10 days for a quick fix to rapid weight loss.

The K-E diet, which boasts promises of shedding 20 pounds in 10 days, is an increasingly popular alternative to ordinary calorie-counting programs. The program has dieters inserting a feeding tube into their nose that runs to the stomach. They're fed a constant slow drip of protein and fat, mixed with water, which contains zero carbohydrates and totals 800 calories a day. Body fat is burned off through a process called ketosis, which leaves muscle intact, Dr. Oliver Di Pietro of Bay Harbor Islands, Fla., said.

Nope, doesn't sound unsafe at all. Not even the part where you're not hungry and don't eat for 10 days while you're traipsing around with your drip bag. Sure there are the small matters of feeling so lethargic that you can't go for a 30 minute walk, constipation due to lack of fibre and the warning that you shouldn't do this if you have kidney problems, but who cares as long as you look nice, right?

This sounds like a 1000 Ways To Die segment just waiting to happen. They wouldn't even have to write an annoying person backstory because we already have one. Seriously, just listen to this woman.

"I don't have all of the time on the planet just to focus an hour and a half a day to exercise so I came to the doctor, I saw the diet, and I said, 'You know what? Why not? Let me try it. So I decided to go ahead and give it a shot," she said.

Schnaider said she was never hungry throughout the 10 days she was on the K-E diet, but admits that it still wasn't easy.

"It was emotionally difficult, the 10 days of not eating," Schnaider said. "And sometimes I had to give excuses to people who were asking are you sick? And I was like, 'No, I'm not sick, I'm not dying, I'm fine.'

"I was tired. I didn't feel like exercising. The doctor told me that if you can compliment with walking for a half an hour on the beach, that would be great, but I didn't feel like doing that. I'm a very energetic person, but those days I was a little tired."

I don't know who I want to stab in the eye more after reading that, me or her.

Actually wait, it's definitely her. Her and anybody else willing to part with $1,500 for this. Those walks you're too drained for and not eating like shitcrap are much cheaper alternatives. And unless you get hit by a car or choke on something, they won't kill you, either.

I Love You...r Car

There are many, but here is just one sign that your new boyfriend may not be that into you.

You're at the movies. He pays your way in, you pay for some food. Aww, cooperation is so nice. During your film, he asks if he can borrow your keys so he can run out real quick and grab something he needs from the car. You give him the keys and go back to enjoying the movie. Time passes and he doesn't return. You leave the theatre and your car is gone. You give your new love a call and quickly discover that he's driven off in it and doesn't plan on coming back. Well, unless the words "Ha ha I stole your car" mean something different to the kids these days he doesn't.

Such is the tale of Michael Pratt. He pulled this stunt on Sarah Bush, a woman he had been dating for approximately two weeks.

But instead of getting her car, he ended up getting Enterprise's car, which may or may not have been why he called her later to tell her where he had left it.

He's been charged with felony grand theft and is currently cooling his heels in the Pasco County jail until he comes up with somebody who's willing to part with $5000. He probably would have had that money, but movies ain't cheap these days.

Robo...Dog?

I saw this a while ago, and have been meaning to write about it.

Some japanese scientists have invented a robotic guide dog. What I don't get about this is they say they invented it due to the rapidly aging population. So...there aren't enough guide dogs to go around? Is that the reason? Why would a robot be more useful due to the rapidly aging population?

For some reason I find it weird that they made a robotic dog, especially since they gave it a synthetic female voice. Why make it a dog at that point?

And aren't you just swapping one set of problems for another? Sure dogs get sick and have injuries and off days, but robots can run out of battery power, and wouldn't it suck if your guide bot ran out of juice in the middle of the street? Or what if one of the sensors designed to detect things failed? The difference between real dogs and machines is real dogs have a desire for self-preservation.

I don't know about you, but I think I'll stick with the living breathing guide dog.

Excuse Me While I Text My Girlfraud...I Mean Girlfriend. Yeah, Girlfriend

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, unless you're me. But no matter who you are this video is worth a lot, because I don't think there are enough words in this or any other language to do it the proper justice. Text messaging service allows men to pretend to have a 'real' girlfriend.

Uh...yeah.

Text something to a number and it'll send you back nice, lovey girlfriendy things so you can trick your pals into thinking that somebody's attracted to you. I guess it could work...until right around the time they notice that she's always unavailable to be around you and them at the same time but can write back really, really fast. Then you just look like a tool on top of whatever shame it was that made you think a telewoman was a good idea to begin with.

And on the subject of shame, one of the uses somebody in that there video predicted this thing would have is to make single guys in groups of taken people feel better about themselves. It can be embarrassing, they say.

Listen. Single guy in groups of taken people pretty much describes most of my grade school life, and it didn't bother me at all. If it's not going to screw you up in high school, you should be good and ready to handle it as an adult, shouldn't you? It's all attitude. Single only means miserable if you want it to, no matter how old you are. Some of the most miserable people I've ever seen are those happy taken ones. Do they need a number they can text that'll send them a few minutes of peace and quiet? Wait, that's actually not a bad idea. Hmmm . . .

But you see my point. Technology is no substitute for a sense of self-esteem and self-confidence, and it shouldn't be. If you've got both of those, it shows. and if it shows, soon you won't have to be the idiot with the SMS MRS, because there's nothing more attractive to the real thing than somebody who looks like he's got his shit together.

Wow, guess I had more words than I thought.

Rape Threats Over Blog Entries? Seriously?

Someone retweeted this article about the things another blogger goes through because she blogs about women's rights, and I'm in shock. The most we've ever gotten was some poorly-written hate mail. I can't imagine actually getting threats that would make me live in fear. Even scarier is that she's not alone. According to this, not only does she get this sort of stuff, but other bloggers who write about similar, as well as those who comment on these blogs also receive stuff like this. People actually threaten to rape and kill these people, and show them that they know where they live and can find them.

And she's not the first person to mention this sort of thing. Sean Yo, our audio-making buddy, also retweeted a very similar sort of blog entry. Here it is. And this tends to happen to more women than men, although it seems that anyone who offends someone's sensibilities gets death threats nowadays.

Granted, a bunch of the stuff we post here has to do with stupid criminals and jokes, but I have done a fair bit of advocating for things too. I hope the day never comes where I have to live in fear. After all, whoever would want to have me killed certainly would have an advantage.

Why must we share the world with such hateful individuals?

Things To Do: Waste Time, Bore My Followers...

If I'd had any sense, I should have put this next thing up the day Steve wrote about the ability to make twit tickets. But since I don't, it goes up today.

For some inexplicable reason, someone has come up with the ability for people to write their to do list using Twitter. It's called TwitDo, and to me, it has bad idea written all over it

Yes, boys and girls, you can now bore your followers to death by writing down, and broadcasting, your own personal list of things you want to accomplish. Just add the hashtag #todo to the end of your tweet about how you have to do laundry or pick up milk or delete all those unsavory webpages from your history. You don't even have to make a TwitDo account. Whenever you write a tweet with the hashtag #todo, I guess it finds it and makes you your own personal page where your to do list is stored, which any old person can visit. Then, when you've completed a task, you tweet a keyword from it and write #done. If this catches on, I think it could become way worse than 4Square. Yuck!

I've got a better idea. Write your to do list in your computer! Yeah! Or, if you prefer, write it down or braille it on a piece of paper! Ooo! I know this kind of sounds like this old post laughing at people being shocked that people found their blogs, but it is sort of similar.

Please, for the sake of my sanity, don't let this catch on.

What A Silky Soft Timeline I Have

I have not a clue why you would want to do this, but if you aren't me and feel that you could benefit from such a thing, here's some info on how to build yourself a Twitter and RSS feed printing toilet paper dispenser. Yes, it will actually print things onto toilet paper. I guess it's a logical step since such a vast number of Twitter updates these days seem to be about where and when people are taking a crap, and it's only getting worse thanks to people incessantly checking in on Foursquare, whatever the hell that is.

Unfortunately the video is all music and no speaking so it's useless if you're blind like some of us, but everybody else can have themselves a time as long as they don't mind spending a fortune on twit tickets.

Talk About A Hot Beef Injection

This story is weird on so many levels.

According to the story, Janet Hardt had a weird obsession. She liked injecting things into her face. It didn't seem that she was doing it to improve her looks, as her face was kinda disfigured from the scarring caused by the repeated infections that resulted. She just liked shooting her face full of...stuff.

Today, it was hot beef fat. Whaaat? Why? And today would be the last time she would do this. But oddly enough, if I'm reading the story right, it wasn't the hot beef fat injections that killed her. What got her was peritonitis. I guess it goes to show you never know what's going to get ya.

And this story demonstrates that I've been doing this blog thing too long. A spokeswoman by the name of Rachael Jones was mentioned. My immediate response was "Rachael Jones? Is that the Islam is the light mom?" No, wrong spelling of Rachel. But I actually thought of that other lady instead of just reading the story on its own.

Tip The Wheelchair Man, Or He'll Tip You Out Of Your Wheelchair!

Wheelchair Abandoned In North Guelph

I read the story, and have so many questions. How did the chair get separated from its user? And why out in that deserted area? Did someone steal the chair? Was there an unidentified man across the street who couldn't get up? Or did someone attend one of those religious healing ceremonies and it worked? I notice it was out by the postal building. Did a person in a wheelchair ask one too many questions about where his mail had gone?

We'll probably never get the answers, but I hope whoever needs that chair can get it back.

To You It's A Keyboard, But To Me It's A Key-bone

You're Olan Yahal Mitchell. The police have stopped you for speeding and they're pretty sure you're drunk. You decide you're not taking any of those goddamn field sobriety tests and have scored yourself a seat in the front of a police cruiser because of it. So, what to do while you're waiting to see what happens next?

Hmmm, that computer keyboard looks mighty scrumptious. Perhaps you should lick it. Yeah, you should. Hey, why not? Other folks have tried to chow down on the entire car, but you've always been more of an electronics man. Metal leaves a weird taste in your mouth.

That officer sure doesn't seem to appreciate you doing that, does he? He mustn't be the type to appreciate great tasting food. Yeah, go ahead, lick it again.

No, I have no idea why he would take the computer away from you. You were enjoying it! If there was ever a time to kick a cop, this must be it!

Sure you're in handcuffs and off to jail now, but don't fret. If you're there for a while and behave well, maybe they'll put you to work somewhere with a nice, juicy cash register.

This Melon Belongs In The Ocean, This Melon Belongs In The Sea. So Don't Take It Out Of The Ocean, And Pour Your Swim Noodle On Me

The story of 68-year-old Karl Ludwig Eichner and the head-shaped rotting watermelon he was adamant did not belong in the ocean is another of those times when I need say nothing funny or serious to add to the strangeness of it all.

A woman who was at the beach with a friend observed a rotting watermelon that had been carved and shaped into a head sitting on the sand. The watermelon seemed to have been abandoned so she placed it in the ocean in hopes that it would disintegrate and not attract any bugs.

Eichner retrieved the watermelon from the ocean and placed it back on the beach.

The woman placed the watermelon in the ocean once again.

Eichner approached the woman with his swim noodle full of water and dumped the water on her as she was sitting on her towel. He then punched her in the cheek.

Eichner was arrested and charged with battery. NO word on court appearances or jail time yet.

I SAID, ONE IS OFTEN ENOUGH!

Here's a nice bit of police blotter goodness from the Marin Scope. What would the crime be, exactly? Maybe we'll find out at the hearing. I'm sorry.

Suspicious Circumstance: Second Street. A caller reported seeing a subject open a bottle of Advil, then begin inserting the pills into his ear. Police searched the area for the subject, but were unable to locate anyone matching the description given by the reporting party.

Good Luck Charms Just Aren't Enough For Some People Anymore

I'm not sure if this is a Russian thing, an internet thing or simply a dumbass thing, but apparently burying yourself under ground for a night is a thing. And according to the BBC, it's a thing that won't bring you good luck or cure your fear of death, unless your definition of either of those things involveswaking up dead.

A Russian man has died after persuading a friend to bury him alive for a night, hoping it would bring him "good luck".

The victim dug a hole in a garden in the eastern city of Blagoveshchensk and climbed into an improvised coffin, with holes for air pipes, taking a mobile phone and a bottle of water with him.

His friend covered the coffin with earth and then left, after the buried man phoned to say he was fine.

The next morning, he returned to find his friend dead, investigators said.

The 35-year-old victim had believed that burying himself alive for a night would bring him luck the rest of his life.

I hope he found some spare change or a stick of gum down there before he kicked. If not he'd have probably died feeling like he didn't have much luck left to live for, and that would be sad...or something.

The BBC's Steve Rosenberg, in Moscow, says it is not the first time this has happened in Russia.

Last summer a man in the north-western Vologda region persuaded his friend to bury him in the ground - to help him overcome his fear of death.

He was found dead an hour and a half later, crushed by the weight of the earth.

Sure, but was he frightened?

I really should stop making fun of these poor guys before my mouth digs me a hole I can't get out of. I'm sorry, that wasn't nice of me at all. I feel like I'm just piling on at this point. Oh gees, there I go again. Seriously, this time I'm out...but not of oxygen.

Keep Your Friends Close And Your Enemas Closer

Hmmm. This is just weird.

This is the story. Wish I had more details. One sunday afternoon, an unnamed man who is apparently pretty close to blind got a knock on his door. "I'm here to give you an enema," a woman said. He had just had some intestinal surgery, so thought maybe this was ordered by his doctor. So, he let her in, she gave him an enema, then left.

Then a couple of days later, he started to wonder if this was normal. So he called police. They checked with his doctor and found that no enema was prescribed or ordered.

Um, oh boy. Now he's wondering exactly what she gave him, although he has suffered no ill effects, and the police have no physical description of this woman, nor do they have any identification cards or anything.

That's just weird. I wish they'd solved the case, because I'd love to know what motivated this woman to give a random enema to a random man. And has she done this before? Where most people do a good deed for someone, does she go out seeking random enema patients?

This Is For The Birds, And It's From Them Too!

I'm gonna cry. Seriously. Gonna lay down my head and cry.

We try to write intelligent things on Twitter and on the blog, and between us, Steve and I have 250 followers or so. But a bunch of birds pecking on a bacon fat-covered keyboard get 2654 followers. Whyyyyy?

I'm telling you, it's like the whole million monkeys at a million typewriters thing. A dude in Latvia covered a keyboard in bacon fat, attached a webcam to it, and left it out for the birds! Birds are hungry, so they peckity peck peck away, and their peckings go to Twitter. If you want to follow the account, it's at Hungry_Birds.

Seriously, birds are tweeting on Twitter, and people are following them. This is the kind of things you will see if you follow them.

;--;--;;;8O8O8O8O8888888888888888888888888888888888;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;EEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUU;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; @irLV
;;;II;;;;;;;;;;;080000000TTTTT--888888888tyeeeereeeere1111111111111111111212112211211111111112112121212121212211122211212111111211 @irLV
21211212212122222111111111111111111111111121222211122111111111111111-11-11111112221111-1--1-2111111221121111111-11111212112--21212 @irLV
12221212-121212111112121212121122q12222222q222222212o2222112q1o212q12q12q12q1q1q1 @irLV
888888888888888888888881111222222222222222222222222222211222111222222QEEEEESRRRRRSEEEESSFFFFFSSFFSSDSSSSSWWWEEEEEEWWW22 @irLV

and on, and on, and on. They haven't tweeted in 2 weeks. I wonder if a raccoon swallowed the keyboard whole?

There's a video at the link, but it's in another language so I didn't link it.

People...are following...birds...on Twitter. *flop*

Putting The Drops In Cough Drops

Um...ok?

The man went into the store at 2501 S. French Ave. at about 10:30 p.m. Thursday and walked to the cough-drop aisle.

Police say the unknown man looked around, unzipped his pants and urinated on 110 packages of cough drops.

Afterward he walked to the pharmacy and tried to fill a prescription, but didn't have the correct paperwork. He then left the store.

This chain of events unfolded recently at a Walgreens in Sanford, Florida. It was caught by the store's surveillance system but sorry, I have no video to share.

Not sure what else to say here. If you know who did this or you are who did this, contact police. Just be sure to shake off and zip up first.

What A Crazy Old Bird

Now and then one of us will come across a story that we're just not sure what to do with. Sometimes we can chuck it to the other guy and whoever that is will run with it. Sometimes one of us will ask the other for some ideas and go from there. And other times, there'sa partly naked woman in her 50's driving a Chevy Malibu, laying on the horn while a budgie flies free.Just what in the name of all that stretches the bounds of sanity are we supposed to do with that?

When the officer turned around to see what the problem was, the driver tried to leave. As she did, she struck a car, reversed into the police cruiser, and then hit a Grand River Transit bus.

The woman continued south on King, with police cars, their lights and sirens going, in tow. It wasn’t really a pursuit, said Staff Sgt. Chris Goss, because speeds weren’t excessive. She just didn’t stop.

Two cruisers blocked her in at King and Victoria streets, where the Malibu rear-ended a minivan. Officers had to break the driver’s window in order to open the door to get the woman out.

At this point you're probably thinking ok, she's clearly drunk. You'd think that, but that's part of the degree of difficulty here. Nobody knows, or if somebody does, that person is keeping it quiet. Maybe she was hammered out of her tree or high as shit, or maybe she was suffering from some form of dementia. Maybe she just snapped, or did she do it on a dare? Only she knows for sure...or perhaps she's just as stumped as the rest of us.

The only things I know for sure are that I want, actually make that need to know more, and that I have no freaking idea how to properly tag this.

I Don't Take Police Orders, I Give Lunch Orders!

Now there's a woman who won't let anything get in the way of her fast food lunch.

Police wanted to stop Roberta Spen, 64, because they noticed her brake lights were faulty. So, they flashed their lights at her trying to get her to pull over. No sir, she was not going to pull over until she got her lunch at McDonald's.

She pulled into the drive-thru and ordered lunch. The officer ordered her to pull out into the parking lot for them. No sir, no she wouldn't. She paid for her food and drove off.

The officer was able to stop her for a minute outside the McD's, where she only rolled her window down a crack, said she was not speeding and would not roll her window down or hand over her license. She drove away again.

Not to be deterred, the cop continued to chase her, flashing his lights and calling in backup. They tried to box her in at a red light, but she backed out of the box and kept going.

Only when she stopped at a gas station were they able to totally surround her vehicle, and even then, she did not come out. So, they smashed their way in and grabbed her.

And why did she try so hard to run from the cops? We'll never know. She had no previous criminal record at all. But they now are sending her for a mental evaluation.

My only theory is that she met a bad cop along the way, and didn't trust any cops. But even that is a stretch.

Either way, I doubt she got to eat her lunch.

Towel Snapple

What's up with people breaking into places and taking a shower? First we had our showering, 911-calling burglar, and now we have Joshua Wordell, a guy who broke into two houses it seems only to take a shower. All he stole from one house was a green towel and a bottle of Snapple. Snapple? Are you serious?

Well, when they take these guys to jail, they'll know they're clean.

I Think They're Both Nutters

Ok, people need to chill out with their texting rage. First, we had those dudes meeting up to fight because one of them texted the wrong number, and now we have people engaging in a knife fight because of a predictive text error in a text message. I guess the story goes that Neil Brook sent Josef Witkowski a text and called him a mutter. But his phone's predictive text dictionary thought he meant nutter, so that's what it sent. Witkowski did not appreciate being called a crazy man, and showed up at Brook's house with a knife. Brook had a knife of his own, and went completely insane on Witkowski. According to the autopsy, there were 104 injuries on the body, including signs that Brook had kicked and stamped on Witkowski's face. Apparently, Brook was not convicted of murder, only manslaughter. I guess I can understand since Witkowski showed up with a knife first, but there comes a point where 104 injuries has to count for something more than manslaughter, I would think.

And all this over mutter vs. nutter. I must be out of the loop, as I've never heard of mutter as some kind of insult meaning antisocial person. Either way. It's a word. If you guys are friends, why in hell would you pull knives over it. Mutter? Nutter? What's the big deal?