Rectum Pharma Plus

When ever I see a story like this one, the same question always comes to mind. What's more painful, getting it there or keeping it there?

Police in Vermont stopped a car driven by Alex Boulet, a 29-year-old man from New York City. He was driving erratically, and they believed he might just be under the influence of something or other. As it turns out he was, but not in the way you would think.

During his pat down, the officer took note of "a hard object, the approximate size of a golf ball that was separate from his genitals." Taking note of such things is a job I would not want in a million years, I should point out.

The cops quickly obtained a warrant and an x-ray to see what that unexpected "hard object" might be, and then the staff of a local hospital obtained some laxatives which were given to Mr. Boulet. Boulet, perhaps sensing he was in for a long night, asked if he could obtain a cup of coffee.

After some waiting, the authorities hit pay dirt, if you will. Boulet set free a plastic bag. Inside that plastic bag were several more plastic bags. Inside of those were 84 individually rapped crack rocks. No, that's not a euphemism for anything. that's exactly what they found.

But wait, as any competent salesman would say, there's more!

A second x-ray showed that Boulet wasn't finished, and that x-ray was not disappointed. About 5 hours after old Santa Ass over here sent the rocks down the chimney, another gift arrived in the form of 218 Oxycodone pills stashed in 2 plastic bags.

There's that salesman again. If you call right now, you'll also get...

Another x-ray, another sign that the asscapades were not at an end. Get it? At an end? Yeah, that one sucked. It sucked, but not as much as I'm sure being transfered to the intensive care unit of a different hospital so you could give over the bag containing 11.5 grams of marijuana you planted in your brownhouse would suck.

After all this, Boulet was charged with possession of crack cocaine, marijuana and a regulated drug. He's now sitting in the Marble Valley Correctional Center (that's kind of funny) in lieu of $50,000 bail. Ok, so maybe he's not sitting necessarily. Sitting might not be fun. Let's go with temporarily residing. Yeah, that works.

The Appropriate Name Of The Year Award Winner Is Already In The Bag

So I'm sitting here writhing in sympathy pain for the poor bastard who didn't know what he was getting into when he decided to end his 8 month fling with Christina Reber when suddenly, through the tears, there comes a glimmer of positivity and the hint of a smile. Well, sort of. There's not much to laugh about when somebody tries to tear off your scrotum and even the hospital sign is taunting you.

The man said Reber screamed at him to “call the fucking police” before launching her assault.

Reber, the victim told cops, first struck him repeatedly in the head before latching onto his scrotum and “squeezing as hard as she could.” The man, interviewed by police at a hospital emergency room, said that he “was in incredible pain when Reber grabbed his scrotum and began digging in her fingers.”

The victim recalled that Reber “refused to let go of his scrotum,” but that he was “finally able to pry his scrotum from Reber’s hand” after they fell to the ground during the scuffle. The man then called an ambulance, which transported him to Ball Memorial Hospital.

Was that really the closest hospital, or does the ambulance service have a comedian in its midst? Something to ponder as we all take a moment to stop the watering eyes and convince the fellas that it's ok to come back down, nobody's going to hurt them.

Wait, You Studied Where?

As somebody who has written things for a good while now, I can't help but be just a bit disgusted and disappointed when I see stories like the tale of Jon Flatland.

Flatland, a former newspaper owner and now former humour columnist, has recently been exposed as one of the worst plagiarists in the history of newspapering by some of the people he's been ripping off.

But as sad as stuff like this is, it's not all doom and gloom for a guy like myself. I mean just check out some of his credentials, one in particular. Maybe the warning signs were there all along.

Poynter has obtained a copy of Flatland’s resume, which lists stints at newspapers in Missouri, Minnesota and North Dakota going back to 1985 and numerous awards, including the 2009 North Dakota Newspaper Association Appreciation Award for Best Humor Columnist, the 1998 North Dakota Education Association Media Courage Award, and the 1987 Red Falls, Minn., Jaycee of the Year. In the resume, Flatland says he was educated at Bemidji State University and Thief River Falls Technical Institute in Minnesota.

Even a humour columnist who actually writes his own material can't make up gold like that.

A Post With A Bunch Of Stuff In It Just To Show You We're Alive

So...this place sure has been hopping lately, eh? Yeah...about that. I'm sorry. Really, I am. But to be honest, it can't be helped, and I can't say when it's going to get better.

I don't want to get into a whole lot of specifics, so I'll leave it at this: There are a few things going on around here that are making dick jokes, bad music, random videos and stories about retarded people doing even more retardeder things seem much less important than usual. To those of you who know what's been happening, thanks for the support. To the rest of you, hang in there. We're not trying to be lazy asses, That's just how it's had to be for a while.

By the way, remind me never to have a sleep-related brain snap around the same time as a very stressful ongoing event. It doesn't end well, I'm finding.

Now...what can I tell you that you might not already know?

If you're James McGhee, you don't seem to know that wearing a shirt with best dad written on it in your sex offender registry photo isn't the best idea you've ever come up with, especially since you needed that photo because of a little thing called sexual exploitation of a minor.

If you're Misty Lawson, you may not know how much trouble punching your 10-year-old son a few times during a visit with an anger management counselor will get you in, even if the kid might be a little shit.

If you're Vince Russo, you most definitely do not know how cocksuckingly horrible you are at your job about 98% of the time. You may, however, be aware of the celebrations being thrown by wrestling fans upon hearing the news that you've finally been relieved of it. If anything was going to make me feel happy enough to write again at least for a moment, it's this.

"TNA and Vince Russo have mutually parted ways as of this week. The separation is amicable and professional. We are glad for the opportunity to have worked together and wish each other nothing but good luck and success in the future."

Here's to success meaning that he opens up another video store and stays away from the wrestling business he's helped ruin for good. Good riddance to whatever it is that books worse than bad rubbish.

If you're WWE, you have no idea how sad I am and how much I kind of hate you guys right now for taking the Funkasaurus away from me. He was different and he was fun, both things that your product mostly hasn't been in years. Oh well, at least we'll always have the memories.



Somebody call my mama!

If you're the Earl Witty responsible for running the RIDE program, you could, pending the results of the current investigation, soon learn that showing up to work while on the sauce might sound fun on paper, but really isn't all it's cracked up to be. Not very witty of you if I may say so, officer.

And finally, if you're lots of people, you might not know that the 6Dot Braille Labeler that Carin made mention of a while ago is out of the development stage and ready to be ordered! On the list of blind folk gadgets I'd like to own, this one ranks pretty high. I'm saying this sight unseen, by the way. Yes, I do hear you chuckling at that, sighted person. Carry on.

And for now, I think I'm going to make that everything. You all should be well and learned up now, I hope. We'll try to check in soon, whenever that is.

We Call To The Stand...Oh, Forget It

This fellow didn't wind up in jail for anything all that out of the ordinary. He's a weapons, booze and drugs guy who can't seem to stay out of trouble. There are lots of those, but what makes this one special is...this.

Court records show his previous name was Jeffrey Drew Wilschke, and he legally changed it to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop in October.

If you're gonna change your name, go big or go home, I suppose. But I'd love to know what prompted this decision. Is he a jazz fan? Was he trying to win a bet? Did he figure as long as he's going to be in and out of court/jail anyway, he might as well have a bit of fun with the poor bastards who were stuck calling and reporting on his cases? Did it just seem like a good idea at the time? Some of those weapons, booze and drugs guys aren't known for their good decision making, you know. And I'd also like to know whether I'm supposed to respect him for being funny/gutsy or ridicule him for his stupidity. I'll probably never figure either of these things out, but what I do know is that's one cool name he's got there. I think I'd rather be Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop by choice than some of the other junk in the names tag by force.

His Lawsuit Sure Puts The Dim In Dimmick

This is the stupidest lawsuit I've seen in a while.

Jesse Dimmick has filed a $235,000 breach of contract lawsuit against Jared and Lindsay Rowley. That sounds fairly routine, until you hear what the contract was and how it came to be.

Two years ago, Jesse Dimmick was a wanted man. He was a suspect in a murder case, to be specific. While trying to evade police, he found his way into the Rowley's home. He claims that over some Cheetos and Dr Pepper and a viewing of the movie Patch Adams, he and the couple came up with a plan that would see them hide him in exchange for an amount of money to be determined later. Everybody else, however, calls what happened kidnapping at knifepoint. Dinner and a movie was nothing more than a way out of getting themselves killed, which makes perfect sense to everybody but Dimmick, who is acting as his own lawyer.

Dimmick personally — in longhand — wrote the counterclaim document, which was filed Oct. 21 in Shawnee County District Court.

He wrote: “As a result of the plaintiffs breech (sic) of contract, I, the defendant suffered a gunshot to my back, which almost killed me. The hospital bills alone are in excess of $160,000, which I have no way to pay.”

The Rowleys sought this month to have the suit dismissed, saying they never accepted Dimmick’s offer of money and — if they had — their consent would have been given under duress. District Judge Franklin Theis has yet to rule on their motion for dismissal.

Oh yes, the shot in the back. that was an accident, say police. While arresting him, one of their rifles went off unintentionally. But as you can see above, had the Rowleys not snuck out of their home when Dimmick fell asleep allowing the police to enter and scoop him up in clear violation of their agreement, that never would have happened. Dimmick is suing the police for that, which is likely one of the things that prompted the Rowleys to sue him, and now here we are.

Hopefully tossing this ridiculousness out of court won't take long, but you never know with the legal system being what it is.

Oh, and one more chuckleworthy thing considering the film they were watching. Dimmick, who has been convicted of several things and won't be going anywhere for a while, is being held in Colorado's Adams County Detention Center.

You really can't make stuff like this up.

Wood Was The Star Of The Show

Speaking of easy material, here's a PDF news release from the Guelph Police Service about an indecent exposure incident. Note the location.

That's right, Starwood drive. Title makes sense now, doesn't it?

I also like the reference to a wooded area. Sure was. Although considering the crime we're dealing with, doesn't anywhere this type of thing takes place automatically become a wooded area?

Who Put The Hard In The Hardware? You Did Baby, You Did.

We've talked before about Freddie and TeddyJohnson, both known for rubbing up against and groping women on busy subway trains in New York. Well, apparently they're not alone, and this latest sicko has an even better name. Meet Darnell Hardware, yes, Hardware, who is accused of exposing himself, then grinding against women in the subway when they had no way of escaping, then bolting when the doors opened, leaving his, um, mark on the women's clothes. They couldn't catch him, but they sure had a ton of DNA, so as soon as they had a match, they'd have a suspect.

Well, they have quite the aptly-named suspect that's for sure. Have you ever met anyone else with the last name Hardware? Oh and good luck with that not guilty plea there.

Now The Owners Of The Spa Will Sweat Profusely

Ok. Is it ever a good idea to wrap yourself in mud, plastic, blankets and cardboard boxes in an attempt to detoxify yourself of...who knows what? Also, while you are intensely sweating, something this is designed to cause, is it a good idea to not drink water? two people found out it wasn't such a great idea, and one of them is no longer with us. I'm surprised more didn't need trips to the hospital.

If they had done this the week before in that crazy heat, I would have called them super dumb and not just dumb. The things people will do for some weird health benefit.

And what pushed this over the top for me was the spa where they did this was a place in Quebec called "Reine de Paix." Translation? Queen of Peace. Well, one visitor of the spa found eternal peace, that's for sure.

These Two Should Think About Moving To Failureberg

If that old saying about looking up things in the dictionary and finding pictures beside them were true and if a picture dictionary existed containing a definition for complete fucking trainwreck, Juliette Dunn may well be found there.

Police said they spotted Dunn and Jefferson sitting at the playground, the young children on the ground next to them. As officers approached them, police said they spotted an empty 40-ounce bottle of Steel Reserve beer on the ground beside the boy. They said a baby bottle next to the baby contained a dark liquid that smelled strongly of an alcohol beverage. Dunn was identified as the children's mother.

Police said witnesses told them that Jefferson had handed the bottle of beer to the boy and ordered him to chug it. When he had finished it police said Jefferson called the boy an alcoholic.

Both children were taken to Bridgeport Hospital where police said both the boy and girl tested positive for alcohol and the 10-month-old also had cocaine in her system. While being examined, police said the 4-year-old told a social worker he likes, "Natural Ice beer, Budweiser beer, but didn't like the taste of Dog-Bite beer."

Jefferson is Lisa Jefferson, a friend of Dunn's who apparently gives the 4-year-old a beer every day. Dunn seems to have no trouble with this arrangement, but is perplexed as to how her daughter tested positive for cocaine because, as she told police, she doesn't breast feed her.

Both dunn and Jefferson were charged with two counts of risk of injury to a child and two counts of second-degree assault. they're both in custody on $100000 bonds.

And all of this, it's worth noting, took place in Success Village. People often ask what's in a name? In this case, I think it's pretty safe to say nothing.

Another Case Of Social Nutworking

Holy crap. The people with which we share this earth.

I know that a lot of people are really upset about the Casey Anthony verdict. But this is just plain old nuts.

In Oklahoma, some drug-crazed woman nearly killed some woman with her car because she looked like Casey Anthony. She waited for her outside her job at a convenience store, then chased her for a while and then started ramming her with her van. Luckily, Sammay Blackwell, who is decidedly not Casey Anthony, is ok. But holy hell. First of all, we don't need vigilantes running around, and second, try being in the right state first!

"Ah but Carin," you say. "This woman was on drugs. That's all it was. A woman under the influence of things who decided to take action based on the news item du jour." But it's not just this woman. Oh no no no. There is a poor unfortunate Casey Anthony in Pennsylvania who is being threatened, badgered and otherwise harassed on Facebook and by phone. What makes this one even worse is This Casey Anthony is a 43-year-old black dude! Seriously! A dude!

People. I know you're upset. But although it may be gratifying to find a target and fire, what do you think this does to the poor target if you get the wrong one? It won't bring Caylee back. If you want to do something productive, help advocate for changes in the law. I know it's harder than spouting hatred and hitting send, but it has longer-lasting, more positive effects.

And Stacey Champion thought she had it bad.

Don't Forget To Sort That Into The Orgasmic Waste Bag

I really have become quite jaded. I can read a story about a woman chopping off her husband's penis and think "Meh, whatever." But a couple things about this one caught my attention.

After she had, um, removed his thing, she put it through the garbage disposal! Oh dear. Unlike John Bobbitt, he ain't gettin' that back.

And the woman's last name is Becker. Hmmm...close to pecker?

But the best part was what he said when a newspaper asked him for comment. "This is a private matter." Well I'll say. That's why they're there, yes? I'm sure they were picking private matter out of the garbage disposal for quite some time.

Oh I'm just so mean.

I'm Blowing Your Torso As You Blow My Mind

Some folks burgle for money. Some burgle for food. Justin Dale Little Jim (yes, that's his name in all the stories I've seen), well, he appears to burglefor love...or something.

Little Jim, currently being held in jail in lou of $5000 bond and awaiting an August trial date, arrived in this situation after trying to score a date of a different kind.

According to police, Little Jim smashed the front window of a Woodbridge, Virginia adult novelty store in the wee smalls of a morning last week. When they responded, they discovered their man had planned to steel hearts, specifically the heart of the blow-up doll he was attempting to have sex with in one of the shop's closets.

When he goes to trial, he'll be facing charges of burglary, grand larceny and destruction of property. Destruction of property? Maybe he should think about changing his name to Big Jim.

So Was The Tank His Chrisco Hamper?

Well, it looks like we know who was hanging out in the toilet tank, and it wasn't our old, er, buddy. We now know that his name is Luke Chrisco, and he's really, really, really weird. Where do I even begin? He wants to be a porn star. He calls himself a worshipper of women. So that's what he was doing in the tank there? He romes around from festival to festival offering massages. He sometimes sleeps in a cardboard box because the greyhound station smells funny. He also offers himself as a male escort.

Yup, definitely very very weird.

The Wood Is A Little Too Handy

Here we have a fellow charged with indecent exposure and open lewdness after two separate incidents. The first was the flashing of a McDonald's drive-through worker while the second, which took place almost two weeks later, involved our friend and his friend (if you catch my drift) pulling up beside a woman in a Rite Aid parking lot and showing her what she could have seen had she chosen to eat fast food a few days earlier.

We also have a fellow who just found himself squarely placed in the names tag, since he has what I'm sure is the constant pleasure of signing his chequesHandy Henry Wood.

And what do you know, we also have a photo of the fellow in question. That's handy...literally.

Somebody Needs To Stop Getting Inspiration From His Last Name And Street Signs

Sadly, this story makes me not want to buy anything from thrift stores ever again. But on the other hand, it does make a nice addition to the names tag.

Arrested and charged with indecent exposure after being caught sitting on a couch in a Salvation Army store with his pants around his ankles and a leg propped up so that everything could be clearly seen is Randall Boyd Johnson.

But wait, that's not even the best part. Johnson's address is listed here as 2285 Pristine View.

If jokes keep writing themselves like this, I may find myself out of a job soon. And if I'm out of a job, I'm going to need to buy cheap things...like furniture. Oh man, this is not good. Not good at all.

His Story Doesn't Stand Up, Although Something Else Does

I know this has been all over the news, but he needs a place up on the blog.

There was an up close and personal picture of a guy's stuff taken and posted to a Twitter account. The owner of the account, a guy, says he was hacked. People don't believe him. His name? Anthony Weiner! Hahahahahaha. I love easy jokes.

The Do It Yourself World Tour Rolls On Top Of Guelph

Neither of these incidents will ever find itself in the bad time for whackin' off hall of fame, but they're worth a mention since it's rare that this sort of thing happens here in guelph, home of Vomit Comet World HQ. Even better is that both of them happened in completely different places...on the same day!

First up (that was awful and I'm truly sorry) we have a fellow who must have missed the L in public transit.

The bus driver saw two girls get up from the back of the bus and move to the front of the bus.

The girls told the driver that a man at the back of the bus was touching himself in a sexual manner, the release said.

The driver asked the girls to stay at the front of the bus and instructed other riders to do the same. When he let the girls out at Hands Drive, he asked them to stick around in case police wanted to speak with them, it said.

Police met the bus at the University Centre stop and identified the suspect male, but when they returned to speak to the two girls they were unable to find them.

Yes, Hands Drive. Best part of the story... hands down.

And then there's this guy, who even brought friends along. What, too shy to ask them for some help?

Police are looking for a man accused of touching himself in a sexual manner in the change room of a Stone Road Mall store.

The man came into the store accompanied by two women at 5 p.m. on May 22.

He asked an employee for help selecting clothing before going into the change room, where he started touching himself, the release said. The employee ordered him out of the store, and he left with the two women.

As far as I know, there's no truth to the rumour that they're changing the name of the place to the Rock Hard Mall in honour of this event.

Both suspects are still at large, not that largeness matters.

I apologize for all of the horrible, horrible jokes in this post. I know I know, what's the difference, right? I think it must be the heat. We don't have our air conditioner put in yet. I thought about hanging out in a grocery store for a little while to cool down, but after reading all this stuff I'm kinda afraid of getting anywhere near the meat section.

Either This One's On The House Or I'll Give You A Whippy, Mister.

How did that old saying go? I scream, you scream, we all beat the wholly christ out of the driver and run off with his money when he refuses to give us free icecream?

The offender was turned away when he asked for a free ice-cream.

However, when the driver hopped in the front seat to drive away the man leapt in through the service window and threw a bottle at him, Detective Darryn Gabb said.

He then hit him with a flurry of punches which left the victim battered and bruised, Mr Gabb said.

The offender asked where the till was and stole about $550.

Police are still looking for him and the Mr. Whippy (seriously, that's what it's called) owner the driver works for has offered a $100 reward for any tips leading to an arrest.

Surprise! You're Going To Jail!

Ok we have a new twist on the whole "Do I have warrants?" theme, thanks to David Williams of Surprise, Arizona, which is a fitting name for something like this to happen in.

Williams waltzed up to a police officer and asked him if he had ever arrested him before. He hadn't, but Williams had a warrant, so he arrested him now. Why in christ would you ask a question like that? If you have warrants, keep a low profile! Why does it matter if the cop has arrested you before?