Not So Great-grandmother

If I could ask Kimberly King one question, it wouldn't be who puts down a fifth of Jim Beam while spending the day watching her great grandkids? I already know the answer to that one. She does. The question I'd be asking is what series of unfortunate life choices causes one to be a great-grandmother at the tender age of 50? I'm doing some quick math and my brain is starting to cry.

According to the arrest affidavit, King’s granddaughter left her one and two year old children with King while she went to work.

When the complainant came back four hours later, King was reportedly passed out.

Police say both children had soiled their diapers to the point that the diapers were falling off.

Police found King in the bed where officers shined a flashlight in her face and woke her up.

Police say King had no visible injuries but admitted to drinking a fifth of Jim Beam while the children were in her care.

King has been charged with two counts of child abandonment. NO word on whether she'll be spending any time behind bars rather than in front of them like she seems to be used to.

Rectum Pharma Plus

When ever I see a story like this one, the same question always comes to mind. What's more painful, getting it there or keeping it there?

Police in Vermont stopped a car driven by Alex Boulet, a 29-year-old man from New York City. He was driving erratically, and they believed he might just be under the influence of something or other. As it turns out he was, but not in the way you would think.

During his pat down, the officer took note of "a hard object, the approximate size of a golf ball that was separate from his genitals." Taking note of such things is a job I would not want in a million years, I should point out.

The cops quickly obtained a warrant and an x-ray to see what that unexpected "hard object" might be, and then the staff of a local hospital obtained some laxatives which were given to Mr. Boulet. Boulet, perhaps sensing he was in for a long night, asked if he could obtain a cup of coffee.

After some waiting, the authorities hit pay dirt, if you will. Boulet set free a plastic bag. Inside that plastic bag were several more plastic bags. Inside of those were 84 individually rapped crack rocks. No, that's not a euphemism for anything. that's exactly what they found.

But wait, as any competent salesman would say, there's more!

A second x-ray showed that Boulet wasn't finished, and that x-ray was not disappointed. About 5 hours after old Santa Ass over here sent the rocks down the chimney, another gift arrived in the form of 218 Oxycodone pills stashed in 2 plastic bags.

There's that salesman again. If you call right now, you'll also get...

Another x-ray, another sign that the asscapades were not at an end. Get it? At an end? Yeah, that one sucked. It sucked, but not as much as I'm sure being transfered to the intensive care unit of a different hospital so you could give over the bag containing 11.5 grams of marijuana you planted in your brownhouse would suck.

After all this, Boulet was charged with possession of crack cocaine, marijuana and a regulated drug. He's now sitting in the Marble Valley Correctional Center (that's kind of funny) in lieu of $50,000 bail. Ok, so maybe he's not sitting necessarily. Sitting might not be fun. Let's go with temporarily residing. Yeah, that works.

Ahh, The Old You've Been Punk'd! Defence

Some days this job is like shooting fish in a barrel.

What days would those be, you ask.

Well my curious friend, days like the ones when some numbnuts walks in off the street and tries to rob a police station spring immediately to mind.

18-year-old Keithan Manuel's attempt went exactly as just about anyone but him would have expected, which means he's in jail now.

When reached for comment there, Manuel explained his actions thusly.

Manuel, in Dallas County Jail on several charges, including burglary, claims he visited the police station seeking information on a warrant, and was joking about the holdup, telling KTVT-TV, Dallas-Fort Worth, "I play like that all the time. I didn't think she would take it seriously."

Of course. You know how flippant those police types are about threats and crime.

Oh and Keithan, when somebody in that there jail tells you to be mindful of that whole soap thing. Yeah, that person isn't playing around the way you do.

Boys On The Hood

While this incident from a few weeks back might on some level be sorta fun, I recognize that this one involves a highly dangerous concentration of radioactive retardity.

Two Indiana parents are facing felony child neglect charges after they allegedly drove around with their respective children tied to the hood of a car with a yellow tow strap, police report.

The children--aged 4, 5, 6, and 7--were not harmed during the bizarre incident late yesterday afternoon in Fort Wayne.

The car’s driver, Aaron Stefanski, 29, is the biological father of three of the children. He was arrested on drunk driving and child neglect charges. Passenger Jessica Clark--the mother of the fourth child strapped to the vehicle--was busted for child neglect.

As was the case when last this happened, the kids were tied to the car not as some strange form of punishment, but rather because some drunken adults thought it'd be fun. Or as Stefanski explained it to the nice officer, "I thought they would like it."

Newsflash: Kids like alot of things they shouldn't. That's why adults exist. Well that and because without them there would be no more kids, but you see where I'm heading.

Oh, and this is nice.

A search of the vehicle turned up the tow strap and a "pink backpack that appeared to belong to a juvenile." The backpack contained "two 24oz Magnum cold beers."

No word on whether the beer also belonged to the juvenile, but my money's on yes. Come on, you know all of the screaming for help that would go with being tied to a hood for too long would really dry a kid out.

Long Weekend Audio: You've Got Questions? We've Got Babble.

This will be the last audio of the night. It would have been up sooner but...well...I got distracted.

We started off talking about the whole underline/underscore thing. Ro had said that Voiceover says "underline" still, and then Steve said that JAWS says underline too. More and more weirdness.

We decided that would be the last audio of the night. Poor Steve had been awake since 4:30 because he knew that I had to wake up early, so his body woke him up a couple hours before. Apparently, it likes to do that. I don't know about that sort of thing...as I've slept so heavy that my snore sounded like a broken fridge motor. The thunderworks were in full effect, so Trix was busily shaking away. So we decided to start answering questions people have been sending us. We explained again that we probably aren't going to do all the mailbag stuff in one go...because it just wouldn't work.

We started with Amanda's question about whether Steve has had any tape/nipple accidents lately. He said no, but he's sure it might happen again. He talked about how he must suffer for his art...which led to the question of whether nude portraits of Stephen Harper, ordinary-looking wooden benches, or toilets should be considered art.

Since we thought we'd rambled long enough about that, we decided to answer James's question about whether we miss Echo or Blogger yet...which is kind of funny since this post is getting posted to Blogger too. James, you wanted rage? You got it. Here it is in written form. We got to talk about how much more Wordpress allows us to do compared to Blogger, and how Wordpress search kicks Google Blogsearch's ass from here to China. As soon as we can find a daily email-sending thinggy, it'll be curtains for the Blogger version.

Other things mentioned in this section included that disturbing comment by someone named Hardon Ricky, and Weird Al's The Good Old Days. So yeah, James, I think you got your answer...loud and clear.

Finally, Ro asked us the condition of the talking beer koozy. In this earlier cast, it was going downhill. Well...the news isn't good. You can hear just how much poor old Joe has to say.

I don't know why, but every cast appears to have a Tugboat reference in it. Hope you don't hate us for that.

For this 42 minutes of goodness, grab it from here. Hopefully we can squeeze out some more audio tomorrow, and at least try and answer more questions.

Why Don't We Do It In The Road?

Oh...my...freakin...lord!2 Teens Hit By Car While Sunbathing.

"Yikes," you're thinking to yourself. "Those poor girls! What sort of drunken maniac drives that far off the street and hits a couple of poor, innocent kids?"

The answer, I'm sorry to report, is nobody.

What that headline there fails to mention is that these two nimrods were tanning in the middle of the road, fell asleep and were driven over by a fellow who is reported to be a cousin of one of them.

The video at the link above should play automatically, which is nice since I am currently as bereft of words as these kids are of clue.

Bridge Over Troubled Rail Lines

Remember that time 4 years ago when a group of thieves made off with 4 tonnes of railway bridge? Believe it or not it's happened again...in the same part of the world, no less.

But unlike last time, these thieves weren't content with a paltry 4 tonnes of bridge.

Armed with some forged documents claiming they'd been hired to dismantle the structure and an obvious go big or go home philosophy, these fellows got away with 10 tonnes of footbridge and more than 650 feet of railroad track. Officials say the cost of replacing it will likely hit the several million dollar mark. No idea how much all that metal will be worth on the black market, but going to all that trouble would seem to suggest a pretty penny.

Not So Hot Wheels

I realize that this is completely stupid and dangerous and that I might have to murder somebody who tried it with my kid especially given the condition they were in at the time, but the kid part of me still thinks it would be pretty awesome and fun.

The grandparents of a seven-year-old Florida girl were arrested yesterday after they allegedly got drunk and used their SUV to tow the child while she was seated in a plastic Hot Wheels car.

Paul Berloni, 49, and Belinda Jean Berloni, 47, were busted Sunday afternoon after a sheriff’s deputy spotted them pulling the girl’s toy car, which was attached to the SUV by a pair of dog leashes. The child, who was not injured, was only wearing a swimsuit “and had no protective gear on whatsoever,” according to a Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office report.

A deputy estimated that the Hot Wheels car was traveling between 5-10 miles per hour when a traffic stop was executed. Paul Berloni, who was driving the SUV, reeked of booze, had watery and bloodshot eyes, and his speech was “slowed and slurred.” When asked for his driver’s license, Berloni said that it was “revoked for 10 years for a DUI.”

Belinda Berloni was riding in the vehicle’s cargo area “with the rear hatch open cheering the child on as she was being pulled behind the vehicle.” Berloni--who a deputy noted was also drunk--stated that “it was dangerous to drag a child behind the vehicle,” but that “they were just having fun and had been doing this all day.”

If you're looking for some babysitting work, I have a funny feeling that a position may have just opened up.

Grandma and Grandpa have both been slapped with child cruelty charges, and Grandpa, as you might expect, also got dinged for drunk driving and driving with a suspended licence.

Just Dropping In For Some Smokes

Until you ponder it for half a second, drilling a hole in the floor of the apartment above a store you want to rob might seem like a good idea. You can drop down, take what you want and then hoist yourself up again. No alarm, no suspicious breaking in or hiding in the store until it closes. It's perfect.

Well...not so much, at least not in the case of young Nicholas Pellon here. Hey. Pellon, that kind of rhymes with felon. Just sayin'.

What our 25-year-old thefting friend failed to consider was...just about everything, come to think of it.

For starters, who do you suppose lives in one of those apartments right above the store? Sure he busted into the place next door to his to drill his entry hole, but still.

Ahh yes, the entry hole. It worked great as an entry hole, but it proved to be a poor exit since Pellon was unable to climb up the same rope he used to drop down. I shouldn't make too much fun since I was always shit at the rope climb too, but I was just bad at it in gym class. I never thought to plan a burglary that hinged on skills I didn't have.

Unable to use his escape hatch, he frantically ran around trying doors for a while before eventually finding a way out through the basement with $150 worth of cigarettes. All of this, as you may have already guessed, was captured on the store's security cameras, which he also mustn't have thought about.

Pellon was easy to identify from the videos because not only does he live in the same building as the store, but he's also a regular there and even has a tab with the owner. Not for much longer, I reckon.

He's been charged with burglary, obviously.

A Gold Medal In Security Theatre Foolishness

So...does this seem ridiculous as all getout to anybody else, or am I a man on a dangerously unsecured island here?

LONDON — Surface-to-air missiles could be stationed on the rooftops of an apartment block in east London as part of Britain's air defences for the Olympics, the country's military confirmed Sunday.

Around 700 people living at the building in Bow -- about 3.2 kilometres from London's Olympic Stadium -- have been contacted and warned that the weapons and about 10 troops are likely to be based at the site for around two months.

Britain has previously confirmed that up to 13,500 troops are being deployed on land, at sea and in the air to help protect the Olympics alongside police and security guards. Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has said Typhoon fighter jets, helicopters, two warships and bomb disposal experts will also be on duty as part of the security operation.

"As announced before Christmas, ground-based air defence systems could be deployed as part of a multilayered air security plan for the Olympics, including fast jets and helicopters, which will protect the skies over London during the games," the defence ministry said in a statement.

Listen. I like the Olympics as much as anybody. Yes, even though they're awarded based on legalized bribery and are a gargantuan money pit for any country that dares host them. What can I say, I like sports. But if this is where we're at in 2012, do we really need the Olympics? For Christ's sake, we're giving serious consideration to rigging manned missile stations to apartment buildings! In England! Because the hammer throw is in town! When you're at that point things have gotten way out of hand, and we all know that once you take this step, there's no going back. What's next? Unmanned drones with nuclear boms on them, just in case? The moment missiles at sporting events is a thing that doesn't get laughed out of the meeting in less than about 12 seconds, we're in some serious more trouble than it's worth territory.

Perhaps we should all do something else this summer. Something a lot safer than watching a couple weeks worth of cycling and footraces.

Help Save The Guelph Public Library's Free Internet Access

Earlier in the week I posted about the unfortunate situation that the Guelph Public Library finds itself in thanks to our fantastic Harper government. Well, it didn't take long for people to take up the cause and start working to ensure that when the funding ends, the free internet access doesn't.

City councillor Cam Guthrie has started a pledge drive on Twitter to help raise the $6800 required to keep the service up and running in its current form.

Within 24 hours, Guthrie said, he had collected more than $2,400 in pledges.

"People have been retweeting it like crazy,” the councillor said. “I’m getting contacted by people I don’t even know saying they want to help out."

If you're interested in giving something no matter how big or small, send a tweet to @CamGuthrie and let him know. Every little bit helps.

It totally sucks that the public should have to step up and cover for our government's failings, but it seems that's where we are if we want this valuable service to continue. Give if you can, and whether you can or you can't, be sure to spread the word.

If You Ever Plan On Flying Again, You May Want To Skip This One

Um...uh...er...Wholly freakin crap! What text message could possibly be more important than safely landing a 220 seat airbus, Mr. Pilot?

The problems aboard JQ57 began when the co-pilot, the first officer, switched off the autopilot on the 220-seat Airbus A320 to make preparations to land.

Somewhere between 2500 feet and 2000 feet, the captain's mobile phone started beeping with incoming text messages, and the captain twice did not respond to the co-pilot's requests.

The co-pilot looked over and saw the captain "preoccupied with his mobile phone", investigators said. The captain told investigators he was trying to unlock the phone to turn it off, after having forgotten to do so before take-off.

At 1000 feet, the co-pilot scanned the instruments and felt "something was not quite right" but could not spot what it was.

At this stage the captain still did not realise the landing gear had not been lowered, and neither pilot went through their landing checklist.

At 720 feet, a cockpit alert flashed and sounded to warn that the wheels still hadn't been lowered.

At 650 feet, the captain moved the undercarriage lever "instinctively" but then a "too low" ground-warning alarm sounded as the plane sunk through 500 feet, indicating the landing gear was not fully extended and locked.

The co-pilot was confused by the captain's action in lowering the wheels, as he was getting ready to do quite the opposite  to abort the landing and re-ascend to the skies, investigators said.

Neither spoke to each other about their intentions.

At 392 feet, the crew aborted the landing and powered up the thrust.

At this time the pilots had lost track of their altitude, thinking they were much higher, at about 800 feet.

A further piloting error occurred, with the wrong flap setting during the ascent.

When the mistakes were recreated in a simulator, investigators determined there were two minutes of descent, from 2800 feet to 1000 feet, where the pilots failed to take any necessary actions, including putting the wheels down.

Thankfully things turned out ok and nobody was killed. But really, who does that? And why am I not seeing anything about a firing in here?

Get some help, man. You clearly have a text addiction problem.

You Stupid, Stupid Kids!

Ug. Just...seriously. Say these kids are young all you want, but that's no excuse. Us smart ones had this train shit nailed down at the exact moment mom and dad taught us about looking both ways for cars. The thought process went a little something like this: Oh damn, those things move fast. Ok, I'll be sure not to fuck with them.

The video was taken on a stretch of CN rail line near 16th Avenue Public School in Richmond Hill, north of Toronto.

The CBC viewer captured two pieces of video, taken moments apart. They show two children, who appear to be no older than 12, playing a dangerous game with passing CN freight trains.

In the first video, one youngster "plays chicken" with an approaching train, stepping off the tracks seconds before it passes at high speed.

In the second piece of video, two children — including one from the first video — touch a slow-moving train as it passes in the opposite direction on an adjacent track.

If you click the link not only can you see the videos, but you can read all sorts of other mind boggling stupidity about how yes this shortcut is unsafe but I save 15 minutes by using it and yeah, let's keep hacking open the fence the train people keep fixing. surely there's no reason why they don't want us there.

If it weren't for the knowledge that some poor sap will have to clean your guts off the tracks and that it would slow down the days of innocent people when the trains have to stop, I'd wish death upon you all.

Retards.

Goodbye, Dick Clark

I guess Dick Clark really does age after all.

According to all sorts of reports, he suffered a massive heart attack this morning and died at the age of 82.

Dick Clark was another one of those broadcasters that you don't see much of anymore. The type who could host pretty well anything and seem to fit right in and feel right at home.

My first childhood memories of him are the guy who cohosted Bloopers and Practical Jokes with Ed McMahon and The $100000 Pyramid. It wasn't until a bit later that I learned about things like American Bandstand and all of his other contributions to music. I never got attached to the New Year's Rockin' Eve the way a lot of people did because we didn't have cable until I was well into my teens and we couldn't always pull in ABC to watch it, but I did tune in for the countdown and ball drop a few times and was sad to see him have to give up that gig after his stroke in 2004.

I wonder if our copy of Dick Clark's Rock 'N' Roll Christmas still lives at my mom's house. If it does, I'm going to make sure we listen to it when we have our party this year. That was the first place I ever heard King Curtis' version of The Christmas Song, which for my money is the best one around.

Exposing me to King Curtis and making me want to learn more about him is the kind of thing Dick Clark spent his life doing, and the kind of thing musicians and fans everywhere owe him a debt of gratitude for. He's one of the last of a dying breed and he'll certainly be missed. there'll never be another like him, without a doubt.

Here he is being interviewed about his career a few years ago. Video runs 25:42.

Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza: The Kind Of Thing Hell Is Made Out Of

I heard about this last week and have been trying to keep myself from machine gunning harf pellets out my mouth and nose ever since.

Pizza Hut is unleashing a horrid sounding concoction on the people of the United Kingdom. People who, aside from being responsible for some astoundingly head slappingly ridoncubonk health and safety regulations, have to my knowledge done nothing to deserve it. Speaking of those crazy health and safety folks, where are they now when the citizenry could truly use them to prevent the disaster that is the new Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza?


"Succulent hot dog sausage bursting from our famous stuffed crust, with a FREE Mustard Drizzle" is how Pizza Hut is choosing to spin this culinary atrocity into sounding remotely food-like. They had me at Suck, but they lost me with this ulent business.

There are no plans currently to sell this in North America, which is honestly a surprise considering the kinds of things we'll put in our bodies for a price. But if you are in the UK and want to give it a go, A: it's been lovely knowing you and B: it only seems to come in one size, 14 inches. I'm sure some of you have dreamed of having a 14-inch hot dog in your mouth, but this certainly won't be like you imagined it.

Ok, I need to go now. I can feel the machine gun starting to reload.

Levon Helm's Last Waltz

Well, so much for posting that Levon Helm video to break up the sadness yesterday. Talk about timing. Around the same time I was putting that up, this was happening.

"Levon is in the final stages of his battle with cancer," says the note. "Please send your prayers and love to him as he makes his way through this part of his journey. Thank you fans and music lovers who have made his life so filled with joy and celebration...he has loved nothing more than to play, to fill the room up with music, lay down the back beat, and make the people dance! He did it every time he took the stage."

He sure did.

It's tragic whenever cancer takes somebody, but especially so when it seems the person has recovered and gotten on with life the way Levon did. It took a while, but he got his voice back and kept on going, sounding as good as ever. Here he is just a couple of years ago, crushing it like he always did. This became one of my favourite songs for a while, constantly getting stuck in my head.



It would take ages to write about all of Levon Helm's contributions to music and folks more qualified than I are already on it, so I'll just join the chorus of those saying thank you. Cancer can take a person, but it can't take the music.

Free Internet Access At Libraries: Just Another Thing The Conservatives Don't Think We Need

Wow. Score another one for the fabulous federal government we've been saddled with.

I don't use the internet access at the library because I don't need it, but I've always been glad to know I can if ever I do. But the Harper Government, in its whatever the opposite of infinite wisdom is, has decided that in an age where more and more things are moving online exclusively, it would be a glorious time to not renew the program that makes the free internet service possible.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Federal Cutbacks Jeopardize Free Internet Access at the Guelph Public Library

Guelph, ON – The Guelph Public Library has 34 public Internet computers available system wide for customers to use for up to an hour per day. This heavily used service generated over 100,000 sessions in 2011. Every day over 300 Guelph residents enter one of the 6 Guelph Public libraries and use one of these computers. The Government of Canada’s Community Access Program (CAP) has provided funding for this service since 1995. The non-renewal of the CAP program translates into $6,800 of extra funding the library will have to seek elsewhere to continue offering this service at every branch. 

Libraries promote the ease of and access to information for everyone. The digital information highway is another means by which the GPL assists its community. In a knowledge-based world and ever-changing economy, everyone can stay informed via social media, emails, online forums, government sites, and news outlets regardless of socio-economical status. Career and tax services are among the top Internet requests at the GPL. Library customers search for job postings, email resumes, and print online government forms – which are increasingly available only online.  

GPL CEO Kitty Pope shares her disappointment. “The Guelph Public Library is dismayed by the cancellation of this program and angered by Industry Canada’s assessment that the CAP program has “outlived its usefulness.”  People use them to apply for jobs, complete their tax forms and find information. The GPL does not have the $6,800 in its budget to support this program. If this program is essential to our customers, then it should continue to be supported by Industry Canada.”
 
For more information, contact:

Kitty Pope, Guelph Public Library CEO

kpope@library.guelph.on.ca

519.824.6220 x226

Goodbye, Gord Paynter

One of the last things I heard as I fell asleep to the sound of Carin looking at Twitter last night was that Gord Paynter, the only professional blind comedian I know of, suffered a stroke and died Monday. He was just 57.

It was sad news not just because 57 is a pretty young age to go or because Gord was really funny, but also for me personally since I had the chance to meet him once or twice many years ago and he was a very nice guy.

The thing I remember most about him was that unlike some famous people you meet, he seemed very willing to take some time and actually talk to you without it seeming like a chore. It was him who put into words for me what good comedians will do to get the most out of a joke, and explained the value of finding smart people in every place you play so you can tweak your material to get a few surprise laughs out of locals who don't expect you to know anything about them and their town. I wish I'd gotten the chance to talk to him more recently. The teenaged kid I was back then understood what he was saying, but you learn a lot between your teens and your 30's (at least that's the rumour), and it would have been nice to pick his brain having had more experience at life and amusing people.

Had I gotten the chance to talk to him again, I certainly would have thanked him for making my life easier a few times. I've met more than one person who learned through him that blind people were in fact regular people, just like them. We're not something to be scared of or treated overly differently in most situations. We can laugh at ourselves and by extension, it's ok for you to laugh at us. Leaving that impression with people is as important a legacy as all the laughs, maybe even more.



YouTube link.



YouTube link.

So, What Are You In For? Pretty Much Everything

I have no idea how I'm going to tag this thing, but I still must share the impressive tale of the crime spree of William Todd.

Nobody knows why he decided to hop on a Greyhound bus to Nashville, but he sure made a day of it. In about 9 hours, Todd is believed to have committed more than 10 felonies.

He started by breaking into a business called the Slaughterhouse. He helped himself to a Taser, a revolver, a shotgun and a T-shirt before shooting the place up and burning it to the ground.

He then happened to run into 4 people on their way out of a bar. He held them at gunpoint, tased one, pistol whipped another and stole their money and credit cards.

All this work would surely make a man hungry, so Todd carjacked a taxi at gunpoint and headed off to buy some food with his new plastic.

All filled up and ready to go again, Todd's next stop was a Walmart where he spent $199 of somebody else's money.

At 6 a.m., he made his way to the Hotel Indigo. While there, he decided to swerve off the simple robbery path and pay tribute to some of the stranger folks who have found their way onto these pages over the years. He broke into a law office, ransacked it, then took a dump on a desk and spread some of it on a few framed law degrees.

With that load off his mind, it was time to make some more money.

Todd knocked on several hotel room doors. He pretended to be a female member of the housekeeping staff to gain entry, but would then rob the occupants at gunpoint. During at least one of these heists, he is said to have cried the entire time.

Now when you've caused as much trouble as Todd had up to this point, it's logical to think that perhaps the cops are on your trail. So...time for a disguise. Shaving his head fit the bill, so that's what he did before heading out on another adventure in his stolen cab.

That adventure, it turns out, was crashing the vehicle into a parking garage.

Uh-oh, now how's he supposed to get around?

After an hour and a half of pondering this predicament, he decided to hail a new cab and head for Opryland. Once there, he held the driver at knifepoint because hey, why not?

And it's at this point that things came to an end.

Police finally caught up with Todd, who was hiding out on top of Opryland. But he wasn't just hanging out on the roof, o no. He had taken shelter in a water-cooling vat, submerged up to his nose.

He's been charged with 11 felonies, and that could just be the beginning of his trouble. According to police, he's also wanted by the State of Kentucky, but presumably not for anything this out there.

If there's ever been a case like this before, I don't think I've seen it. Talk about making the most out of your life of crime.

Goin' To The Chapel And We're...Gonna Pretend I'm Dying Of Acute Leukemia

The I'm going to fake having cancer in order to take advantage of humanity's kindness for personal gain train shows no signs of slowing down.

Meet 25-year-old Jessica Vega.

A couple of years ago, she was set to marry Michael O'Connell. But this was no ordinary wedding. It was special because Vega was tragically suffering from acute leukemia and really wanted to get the ceremony in before she died...or so she said. She ended up with thousands of dollars in generously donated money and services, and even took a honeymoon in Aruba.

A few months later however, the plan started to unravel.

Whether O'Connell just doesn't appreciate free wedding gifts, wanted to get even with Vega for something or simply decided to do the right thing is unclear, but 4 months later, he went to a local newspaper and accused her of faking the whole terminal illness deal.

Then it really gets fun.

After a divorce, he moved to Virginia, but the pair later reunited and now have a second child.

"She's a good mom, and that's all that counts at the end of the day," O'Connell tells the newspaper. "I want my kids to have their mother back."

He says Vega, who was arrested last week and pleaded not guilty, should repay donors and apologize, but that mental health treatment is a better option than jail.

Being a good mom is all that counts at the end of the day? I realize this guy just wants his family back, but let us please get serious here. Maybe she's a good mom, maybe she's not. If she needs mental health treatment and had no problem fleecing the townsfolk out of a fortune in cash and prizes I tend to have my doubts, but perhaps he would know better. And yeah, some therapy does sound like a good idea, but she's not the only one who needs it if this please don't send her to jail thing is being said with a straight face. What she needs is both. Whether they happen at the same time doesn't really matter. She's not insane, so she can serve a sentence and then get whatever help is required. What would be insane is not sending her to jail as you would anybody else. She did commit a crime, and at the end of the day, that also counts.