My Dog Ate My Bank Account

Oh boy. Remember that guy who claimed his cat bought child porn? Now, people have gone to the news saying their dog bought 5000 Microsoft points through the guy's Xbox while they slept. He says his banking info was stored on the Xbox, and the dog pulled down the controler, managed to turn the machine on, and then managed to push just the right buttons to buy 5000 points. I have trouble buying that, but I don't own an Xbox. Could a dog really manage to do that? Somebody with an Xbox, set me straight.

Looks like you guys need to either crate the dog at night or take the banking info off the Xbox, or maybe both.

Commence Hating Me In 3...2...1...

This is the song I've had in my head all morning, and I like sharing.

Your welcome.

Google Usability Study: Get It While It's Hot!

In Top Tech Tidbits from a week or 2 ago, there was mention that Google is looking for participants to help them test the usability of their products. I thought "Ooo! yeah yeah yeah lemme at it right now!" But when I clicked the link, I'd waited too long and it had died.

Now, I received another link, and it works. So if you want to throw yourself in the Google usability study participant pool, do it, and do it soon!

United Loses Luggage

There's nothing I need to add here, this speaks for itself.

United loses bags of broken-guitar singer

After famously breaking his guitar, United Airlines has managed to cause further trouble for David Carroll by losing his luggage — just as the Canadian singer-songwriter was en route to deliver a speech about customer service.

Departing from Regina on Sunday, "the only direct flight to Denver was with United. So I flew United and my bag got lost," the Nova Scotia singer-songwriter told CBC News by phone on Thursday.

Carroll was delayed at Denver International Airport, where some United staffers ordered him to wait for his luggage — which they said was simply delayed — while an airport official urged him to leave the baggage claim area.

The bag eventually turned up on Wednesday.

"We will fully investigate what regretfully happened," United Airlines spokeswoman Robin Urbanski told the New York Times after the latest incident began making the rounds in U.S. media.

It's Finger Charrin' Bad

Wholly fucking crap!

That was my reaction upon readingthis,which could very well be the peak of the food feuds tag.

The story goes that Mohamed Wahani asked roommate Sahal Said to buy some chicken for him. Said did, but he apparently bought a whole one instead of a quarter. This so infuriated Wahani that after arguing with Said and making it known that it was offensive to him that it be dictated to him what size chicken he should have, he waited for Said to fall asleep and took his revenge by heating a saucepan of oil to around 90 degrees celsius and dumping it on him.

Said suffered burns over 12% of his body, required skin grafts on his arms and legs and had to spend several weeks in the hospital.

For his part, Wahani has pled guilty to intentionally causing serious injury. He says that he is shocked by what he did and through his lawyer said that he was suffering the effects of some medication he was taking at the time of the incident.

Thankfully there is one bit of humorous irony to be gleaned from all of this insanity. The lawyer I mentioned in the last paragraph? Ian Crisp.

Is That A White Cane? Give It Time...

Here's a good excuse for ya.

No, I wasn't masturbating and flashing those screaming women. What I waved was a metal cane! Really! I like to smile when I wave my metal cane. Damn you, you don't believe me!

And what stupid wording. He was waving his "body part." So when someone waves a hand, that's a horrible, horrible thing to do. A hand is a body part, after all.

Byelo

Yea! Woo! Yea! Woo! Dance dance dance. I've been holding off on this news because I wanted to make sure it was true. But I know it for sure.

Remember Mylo? The little hell-hound that jumped on Trixie and liked to have a piece of her whenever he could? Well, it's official! He's gone!

His owners left the building to move somewhere else. I knew they were going to leave, but wasn't sure when. The only reason I know they're gone is Huppy and company are moving into that very apartment, and they got the keys!

So yea! Woo! I didn't even have to cause trouble, Mylo is gone! I think he's been gone for a little while, but I wasn't sure he was gone until right now. Now, Steve jokes that some other dorkbag dog will move into the apartment that will be vacated by our neighbours. Hopefully not. But for now, things are good.

My Ruined Life Is A Series Of Beeps

I've gotten a few errant text messages from time to time, but never have I decided that I should meet the wrong number-texter and fight. But that's what Scott Allen Elder and Brian Matison decided to do. They met in a parking lot and Elder, who actually is the younger of the two men, shot Matison. Now Matison is in serious condition.

Folks, it's a wrong number. It's not worth seriously injuring someone and going to jail for it, oh yeah, and getting a felony charge.

Have You Ignited A Ford Lately?

John Walton has to have some serious issues. That's the only way this can be explained.

He drove his Ford van up to the dealership saying that it had transmission problems. A sales consultant agreed to go out for a ride with him to see if he could notice anything. He said he couldn't detect any problems, at which point Walton threatened him, sped up, and then ordered him out of the van when he'd slowed down to 20 miles an hour.

Then, he drove back to the dealership, set his van on fire, and then sat on a bench to watch it burn, baby, burn! It did, and some ammo ignited in the van too. Firefighters put out the van and Walton was halled away.

But oh no, we're not done, not even close. Walton's arraignment took place in an ambulance garage because he wouldn't get out of the police cruiser. What the? Couldn't they drag him out? Then, at a hearing, when he was charged with arson, he threw himself on the floor, knocking himself out, and had to be carried from the room.

And that's how they say it went down. What the hell's wrong with this guy?

You Can't Read This Post Without A Screen Ranger

I swear their has to be some kind of contest going on between UK town councils to see who can come up with the most ridiculous safety regulations. If I'm correct in that assumption then the Watford Borough Council has put together an entry that's going to be pretty hard to top. Not saying it can't be done because in the UK all things are possible if those things are stupid, but this one's a gooder.

According to a new Council policy, parents and caregivers can no longer accompany or supervise their own children at public playgrounds becausethey haven't undergone criminal background checks.Instead, parents have to stay outside a giant fence and leave the monitoring to qualified "play rangers". Yes, play rangers, that's what they're called. Can you think of a name that sounds less fun than that? I sure can't. Don't know about the rest of you, but to me play ranger conjures up images of those insufferably peppy douchebags with guitars, backpacks full of craft supplies and an encyclopedic knowledge of fabulously irritating campfire songs who always seemed to run every kids camp or program ever to exist when I was growing up.

A council notice to parents explains that: "Safeguarding the children and young people who use the site is one of our top priorities.

"Due to Ofsted regulations we have a responsibility to ensure that every authorised adult who enters our site is properly vetted and given a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check by Watford Borough Council."

Council Mayor Dorothy Thornhill argued they are merely enforcing government policy at the play areas, in Vicarage Road and Leggatts Way.

She said: "Sadly, in today's climate, you can't have adults walking around unchecked in a children's playground and the adventure playground is not a meeting place for adults.

"We have reviewed our procedures, so although previously some parents have stayed with their children at the discretion of our play workers, this is not something we can continue to do.

"There are other places in the town for parents with small children to go."

She didn't say it, but I think the place she had in mind for parents and children to go is fuck themselves.

and what a stupid argument that is. If you don't like what we're doing here, go somewhere else. That might work if it was a private playground, but the words public play area generally mean that the very people she's telling off, the same ones who pay the freight so that Ms. Thornhill and her delayed ilk can make rulings like this are the same ones who are paying for the damn park and its play rangers to exist in the first place. You can't very well tell the entire town to get stuffed and expect it not to get a touch cranky about it,,\ can you?

Even children's charities, organizations who have been known to advocate some pretty silly things in their own right, think that this is a tad over the line.

Claude Knights, the founder of children's charity Kidscape, said the council were "using a sledgehammer to crack nuts".

"They are encouraging a climate where parents and children are rendered suspicious without any proof of wrong doing or guilt," she said.

"Caring parents should not be viewed as a threat and if you are a bona fide parent or carer you are in a better position to look after your children than council staff."

What's the old saying about the scariest words you can hear being "I'm from the government and I'm here to help"? I don't think it was coined in the UK, but based on things like this, it probably should have been.

You'd Think This Would Be Just The Sort Of Outside The Bun Thinking A Manager Would Look For

My friend, I'm afraid you've gone and done it backwards. The way it's supposed to go is ask for a job application, then pull a gun, rob the place and leave, notpull a gun on a clerk, order him to the floor, go talk to the manager about a job then leave with no money when he says no thanks, we're not interested in hiring you.

The man, whose description was sketchy , entered the fast-food restaurant just after 2 p.m. Monday and pointing a gun at the cashier, demanded money and told the cashier to get on the floor, said Lt. John Hickey of the Haverstraw Police Department.

The man then walked into the manager's office, which is located at the back of the store.

"He requested an application for employment and the manager said ‘No,'" Hickey said. The manager asked the suspect to leave; he left the premises in an unknown direction.

Beware Of...Dog-Like Woman?

I wonder where this woman got the idea to act like a large dog to scare off a would-be intruder. Wherever it was, I'm glad it worked. I wonder what she did. Did she sniff at the door? Way to go, quick-thinking woman!

I'm Sure He Thought The Sentence Was Crap Too

Remember our old pal Weusi McGowan? The one who smeered his lawyer with crap and threw some at the jury? Well, he got 31 years in the slammer. I guess they checked him for any bags of crap, because there was no word of him hurling anything at the judge after that sentence.

They Did It!

At long last it's finally happened!Leafs 6, Ducks 3, hat trick by Hagman.

I only saw the little Game In 6 Minutes deal on Leafs TV because it was a late game and watching Raw put me to sleep, but from looking at that and reading the recap, it seems the Leafs put out another solid effort and were helped muchly by the Ducks who played a lot like the Leafs have been playing up to this point, taking lots of stupid penalties that they couldn't kill off. Hopefully somebody on the Toronto side was taking notes and realizing how much easier it is to win games when you actually have guys on the ice who can throw pucks at the net instead of constantly having to protect their own end from the opposing power-play. I don't want to get too optimistic just yet, but I'd like to think that with a couple decently played games and a win under their belt that we could be seeing the beginnings of a turnaround here. Next Dallas, then the world!

Moving on, I mentioned Raw putting me to sleep. It didn't start out so bad, but in the end it was just another show that couldn't hold my interest. Kofi Kingston and Chris Jericho had a fun match, and if WWE sticks with it (98% chance they won't) the Kingston Orton feud could be interesting. At least it's something different. But the one thing I'll likely remember from last night's show isn't a match or an angle because not much of that stuff sticks anymore, but rather one of those charismaless NASCAR driver guest hostscalling poor Kofi Kofi Johnson.It's right up there with Mike Adamle introducing himself to WWEby talking about the anticipation of Jeff Harvey,but that one's still worse because at least Kyle Busch wasn't being employed by the company as an announcer.

That's all for now, back later I'm sure.

Your Chance To Buy The Best Chair Ever

Would you like to ownDennis Anderson's motorized La-Z-Boy?If you answered yes to this question, then boy do I have some good news for you.

According tothis item on Engadget,the police are going to be auctioning it off and it's expected to hit eBay sometime this week.

Good luck.

Here Boy. Watch Your...Oops

I can't remember if I've mentioned this specifically before. If I have, it needs mentioning again.

If you see a handler and guide dog standing at the top of steps, for the love of Pete, no matter how strong the urge is, do not, under any circumstances, urge the dog down the steps!

Got it?

No really, have you got it?

Now that I've got your attention, let me explain why. One of the things a guide dog does for a handler is stop at steps. The dog waits for the handler to find the step and then they will go forward when the handler commands. This is to ensure that the handler has in fact found them, and isn't about to take a header down the steps.

If you, John Q. Public, are standing at the bottom of the steps going "It's ok, puppy," they may believe you, against their better judgment, and send their handler for a tumble.

It is not ok, puppy. It is ok when the handler says it is. Do you want to be my guide dog? No? Then don't do her job for her. If you want, tell me that there's a step coming up. But don't tell the dog to come on down. I'm attached to that dog, and I may not be ready. I may want to grab a rail, probe with my foot, all manner of things. If you urge the wrong dog down a step, the person at the end of that harness may be more fragile than I, and may break something. That's why I'm so serious about this.

And please, oh please, oh please, stop physically preventing me from hitting something. Why do you think I have a dog? It is the dog's job to keep me out of danger. If you get in the way at the last second, one of two things will happen. The dog may start thinking they don't have to work as hard because someone else is doing her job for her, or she may feel she has to do double duty because now there's a moving human obstacle between us and the other stationary obstacle she was going to avoid.

Of course, if you think we're about to get pasted by a truck and the dog for some reason isn't stopping, then by all means, grab me if you're not going to endanger yourself. But sometimes we'll be going through a tight place and people think they have to prevent me from hitting a pole when really, she's just trying to keep as straight a line as possible and will go around it in the nick of time.

I really appreciate people's concern and there's always a small twinge of guilt when I write one of these posts. I know people mean well. But there are some things that folks do that really, really get on my nerves. If I can stop one person from doing them, then I will have made myself and other handlers just a little bit happier.

It's Bud The Spud, And It Lands With A Thud

It appears that houses aren't egged anymore, they're potatoed, as a 64-year-old Buffalo woman can attest. There's not much to the story, except I thought it was funny that she said it was shot from a potato-cannon, as if implements specifically designed for hurling potatos have been invented. Maybe I'm unenlightened. Have they?

I Deserve No Bragging Rights

If you've been following the joke that is my performance in the PWInsider Elite PPV Pick 'Em contest, I have some good news. My run of getting 3 correct per show is over! the bad news is that it's over because this time I got 2. Yes, 2. It was 2 out of 5 possible matches so to be fair I actually did better than usual because there are generally 7 or 8 matches on a show, but Christ I suck at this when things are on the line.

The matches I picked correctly were the Undertaker over CM Punk, Rey Mysterio and Batista and Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix and Natalya over Melina, Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly.

I now have 11 points for the year after 4 events. As bad as that sounds, I really can't feel too terrible about it. There's a good number of people lower than me in the standings, some quite a bit lower. Until yesterday there was seriously somebody with 0. He appears to have 3 now so he's getting somewhere, but good lord, that's just pathetic! I'm honestly not sure how you could do that poorly. Call me crazy, but I think that any of you reading this could make predictions on a sport you knew nothing about and get at least something right completely by accident in 3 tries.

The lead is currently shared by 3 people who are tied at 20, so me winning isn't completely out of the question if I pick things up and my current luck rubs off on them.

Now as for how the Bragging Rights show was, like so many of them, it was just ok. No need to drop the $40 to catch a replay or spend the hour or so it would take to grab it from a torrent site. All you need to know is that the 4-way title match was my favourite of the night, Miz and Morrison was fine but probably could have been a bit better, and Cena and Orton wrestling for an hour is something I don't need to ever see again. It wasn't an awful match, just way too much stalling for my taste and put together kind of funny. When you're trying to blow a guy up with pyro less than half way through the match, you're doing it wrong. Really, where do you go from there? If you're me you go over to the computer and start looking at your email for a few minutes because you just saw somebody try to blow a guy up with the pyro and you need to try and remember why you still watch this stuff.

Hell of a review there, eh?

WWE needs to seriously consider cutting back on the number of pay-per-views they run each year. Right now I believe the number is 14, and that's way beyond reasonable. I think a better number would be 6. Keep the Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania, Summerslam and the Survivor Series and then pick 2 more. You would have 1 show every 2 months and would probably sell quite a bit more of them just because the audience wouldn't be so burned out on all these stunningly missable shows. It won't happen as long as they keep making money under the current system, but a guy can dream.

Another Neads Study

NEADS is at it again, doing more studies of social media. Sadly I can't participate in this one, you have to be in school!

So, if you're in school, are Canadian, have a disability, and would like to participate, go here to take the survey. You could even win a Chapters gift certificate, and if you complete a followup four weeks later, you could win a Blackberry! How cool is that? I want one, I want one, but...I can't have one.

Hello My Ragtime Childhood Favourites

I have nothing else to say at the moment, sohere's a video of a guy named Scott Bradlee playing a ragtime piano medley of 1980's pop songs.

You get extra points if you can name all of them without cheating. I think I only missed one.

Don't Squeeze The Charmin Embassador

You know you're desperate for employment when you decide to be a Charmin Embassador. Seriously. What's the job? Procter and Gamble, from time to time, set up public bathrooms in New York and promote Charmin. They want to pay people to stand around in these public johns, interact with the people going in there to use the facilities, and...blog about their interactions. This is the description:

The five “Charmin Embassadors” will work in the Charmin Restrooms in Times Square from Nov. 23 to Dec. 31. Job requirements include interacting with hundreds of thousands of bathroom guests, maintaining their own blogs and content on Charmin-branded Web sites and popular social media sites, and sharing family-friendly video from the restroom space and surrounding areas.

Like eeewww. Can you imagine how many of these people will get smacked around and have other abuses hurled at them by people who just want to be left to...mind their own business as it were? Yuck. And check out the name. "Enjoy the Go"? What the hell is that?

Shitty Robbery Plans

Hey there copper wire-stealing dude. It's a good idea to check a place where you're going to steal copper wire to see if there are cameras. What is a bad idea is trying to take a crap in a barrel of grease nearby. There were cameras, you tipped over the barrel, and your whole escapade was clearly captured on video. Now the cops just need to find you.

Put The Roommate In The Coconut And Beat The Guy Up

Normally a fight between roommates over money wouldn't warrant a post here, but when the weapons of choice in such a fight includea porcelain bowl, a wooden carving and a coconut,that's afood feud,baby!

The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office reported that the 44-year-old man was charged with robbery with a weapon and false imprisonment after Saturday's attack. The roommate eventually got away and called for help.

Deputies reported finding the man riding a bicycle near the home. They say he smelled like alcohol and appeared to be drunk.

He also appears to be held on $4000 bail.

And This Little Piggy Went Ow Ow Ow Ow All The Way From the Doctors

I know doing long long marathons can hurt the toenails, but do a lot of people really think of having them permanently removed? Ow ow ow ow ow! Acid poured on the nail beds? Ow oo ee eeee!

I think the grossest picture is that of people who only have the mangled ones removed, so they end up with some nailless toes and some with nails. That would look ug.

I can't imagine running so much that the nails bleed, get mangled, and fall off.

Oh No, It's Uno

A few days ago, Jen asked me to try out the Spoonbill games, blind gamers series. There are 14 games in all, and they're all puzzle-oriented and free. I've tried a few, I haven't really gotten into chess or Sudoku, but who knows, maybe I will. The one Steve and I have really gotten into is Blind Gamers Uno! Good god that game is addictive. We will seriously sit there and watch each other play for way too long. What? A couple hours have gone by? Oops.

We're so screwed now, because each of us have Uno. So, we could each be watching, or playing, or watching each other. Oh no, Uno's got us!

Oh look, there goes Steve to try and beat the game. He was soundly thrashed last game, and it looks like he's trying to win. Who knew a simple card game could be so addictive?

That's A Lot Of Tacos

When I first received the drive-Through folk song video, I found it irritating as hell. But then, the dude at the restaurant got it all right! We need to clone him and put him at drive-throughs everywhere!

What's In Your Head, In Your Head...It Would Appear To Be A Fist

I'd love to know what kind of drugsthis guywas on. He was messed up enough to call a random man in a restaurant a zombie and punch him a couple of times, but he also had the good sense to run. But then again, why did he run? Did he run because he knew the cops were surely on the way, or because shit, he just decked a fucking zombie!

A man was ordering food when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye. When the victim tried to call police on his cell phone, the man punched him again, breaking his nose.

The man then ran out a back door.

In Heaven There Are No Pets?

Oh boy. We've talked before about that service that promised to send information to specified people post-rapture. Now, Ann Adams let me know of a company promissing to save your pets if you get scooped up to heaven.

What I can't figure out is, if I am to believe they plan to provide this service, how they can propose to take care of your pet if you pay them $110. That seems like a bargain, almost too much so. That would only buy a couple of bags of dog food. Then what's the plan?

And if Fido and Spot can't come with you, whatever happened to that whole rainbow bridge concept.

Man, people will profit from anything.

Are There No Limits To This Man's Greatness?

Lance Armstrong Inspires Thousands To Come In Third To Cancer

Armstrong's third place finish, coupled with his relentless endeavors to raise awareness of himself as a cancer survivor and role model, have taken him almost overnight from one survivor among many to a living symbol of a man who only lets two things beat him. To many cancer patients seeking guidance and inspiration, he has become the new bronze standard.

"Lance Armstrong has never missed a chance to stand up and tell cancer patients everywhere to follow his example, and seeing him there on the bottom step of the podium sent us all a powerful message," 42-year-old Brian Goodwood, who was diagnosed with colon cancer last year, said Sunday. "If third is the best he can do, then I know Lance would want me to do it too."

Goodwood succumbed to a combination of cancer and complications from chemotherapy Tuesday morning.

So Long, Ed Eames. I Never Knew You, But Thank You

The other day, I heard that Ed Eames wasn't doing well and was probably not going to make it. Now, I've heard the news that he's gone, and I feel like such an idiot for not knowing exactly who he was. I had seen the name in connection with guide dog-related advocacy projects, and knew he was quite active. That's an understatement. He co-founded IAADP, which we have linked over on the side. That's no small feat! My god he must have worked his tail off to get all those sponsorships. All guide dog users owe a lot to him whether we know it or not. I only wish I had met him.

Here is the press release I received. It has all the necessary info if people feel the need to donate or send cards or whatever.

It is with great sadness that I report the death of my colleague and one of the assistance dog movement's greatest champions, Ed Eames, Ph.D., IAADP's (International Association of Assistance Dog Partners, www.iaadp.org) co-founder and President.

Ed's spouse Toni (also blind and partnered with her guide dog) has asked that in lieu of anything, contributions in Ed's honor to IAADP would be most appreciated. We have set up a special Memorial section with a few photo highlights to remember Ed by, as well as an opportunity to make a memorial donation at www.iaadp.org. We also invite you to leave a personal message that Toni would like to collect for a keepsake book for our organization. Alternatively, your gifts or cards can be mailed to: Toni Eames at 3376 N. Wishon, Fresno, CA 93704.

Ed had successful heart surgery two years ago. Very recently a blood borne infection sent him to the hospital. Recovery looked very positive until ten days ago, when several debilitating strokes occurred and quickly claimed his life. Ed was called to our Lord at dawn on Oct. 26.

IAADP was launched in 1993 at a historic meeting organized by Ed, Toni and Joan Froling in St. Louis, held in conjunction with the Assistance Dogs International Conference. Its overall mission has been to empower disabled persons with guide, hearing and service dogs to work together to foster the assistance dog movement through our global networking publication, "Partners Forum," many important advocacy and education campaigns, peer support projects, our website and conferences that enabled partners and programs to learn from each other. We have grown from a handful of advocates to more than 2500 Partner members over the last sixteen years, led by a volunteer board of assistance dog partners elected by the membership.

Ed was our friend and an extraordinary advocate. He forged relationships with corporations around the world and with his easy going "ask" brought untold benefits to us. Ed knew full-well that the majority of us teamed with guide, hearing and service dogs were on the lower income scale. His advocacy to garner support for our canines was only matched by his tireless advocacy for our access rights. Among other things, Ed and Toni also traveled throughout the USA each year and to other countries with their guide dogs, lecturing at veterinary schools and veterinary conferences about the special role that veterinarians play in maintaining the team, to educate them about IAADP, raise disability awareness and to ask veterinarians to consider free or discounted veterinary services for assistance dog teams.

There will be a memorial service for Ed in the near future. I'll provide further details about that as they become available.

Please join me in saying Good bye to my dear friend, Ed Eames. And to Toni, join me in support of the next chapter of her life. We can not fill the void left but we can walk with her.

Yours truly,
Kevin

Kevin Frankeberger, Ph.D., CFRE
Board Member, IAADP
www.iaadp.org

Just Because It's Not A Car Doesn't Mean You Get Off Easy

And here I thought motorized La-Z-Boys, beer coolers and barstools were pretty awesome. I was unaware of other coolness that has been out there. Ann Adams fixed that right quick. Although the la-z-boy and the barstool made the list, there are more. How about a parade float? What about an adult tricycle? A Russian Tank? A Dolphin? Yes, a real flipper-like animal that goes eee eee eee. Those are some inventive ways of getting home after a few drinks.

More Ads That Make Us Think Too Much

It's been a while since we've written one of these. But we thought we'd compiled enough commercials or slogans to do another one.

We saw a commercial for something called "Juicy Juice immunity." Juicy juice? It's juice. Shouldn't it be juicy? If not, it wouldn't be...juice, would it? I know it's a product for kids, but...Juicy Juice? And then when they throw in the Immunity part, I had to wonder if it was more like yogourty juice than juicy juice.

There's a commercial for African Lion Safari that needs a little work. They say you can win a trip to Africa, and then immediately follow that up with directions to the safari place. So, it sounds like "Win a trip to Africa! On Highway 8 between Hamilton and Cambridge." So you're really winning a trip to somewhere on Highway 8? I had no idea I lived so close to Africa. Well, if Sarah Palin could see Russia from her house, anything's possible.

When you see the ad for the Nicorette Inhaler, what does the music make you think of? To me, it sounds like spiritual music. It sounds like they're telling you that they're freeing you from the slavery of smoking. I can't find the right chick. The one I keep finding sounds like she's singing the blues instead of singing about freedom. But maybe if you see her, you'll think of the one I'm thinking of.

In a car commercial, I actually heard someone refer to a 2010 model of a car as an "010" and it sounded like o 10, model. Why don't we just say 2010? It doesn't sound as lame.

There are two commercials for EHarmony that kill me. One says that going to the bar is passive. Uh, and having matches served up to you, um, isn't? My next favourite was a woman who said that she didn't have time to find Mr. Right, so she let EHarmony do it. If you don't have time to find him, when are you going to have time to go on all the dates?

Whenever Steve was listening to the Jays on 570 News, we kept hearing this weird commercial for D.A. Kurt Insurance. It consists of a man telling us to put our faith in the lord, and the lord would guide us...and as abruptly as it begins, it says "D.A. Kurt Insurance," and plugs the insurance company.

What the? What kind of weird advertising technique is that? Are they hoping that you're so surprised to find out what the commercial is about that you'll call them up? If that was the case, it didn't work on us. The commercial was memorable, but we couldn't remember the name of the insurance company to save our butts. I had to do a bit of googling and guessing to jog my memory, and even then, I had to ask Steve if it sounded right to him.

This brings up an important question. If you're supposed to put all your faith in the lord, why do you need insurance? Hey, D.A. Kurt, I think you have to admit defeat when it comes to at least one of your messages. Looks like you have to pick which one.

While I'm picking on 570 News ads, let's make fun of a couple more. There's one for United Taxi that makes a big deal of its "famous door-to-door service." Um, every taxi service has door-to-door service. That's what makes it a, um, taxi service. I think the only taxi that might dump you out short of your destination would be the Cash Cab. And is $90 really a good rate for going from Kitchener to the Toronto airport? I mean, Red Car can go from Guelph to the airport for $64 or so, although I don't know if that's per person or what? Still, $90 doesn't seem all that uber special.

There was an ad that came on a lot encouraging people to become foster parents. It said something like "Meet Cody. Cody is a chocolate lab who ran away. He spent some time in parks and out in the rain, and he spent some time with strangers. Sometimes dogs run away. Now what if Cody wasn't a dog, but a little boy?" What? What was the point of that? I don't even know. I just shook my head a lot. It didn't really have the shock factor I think they were going for.

Throughout the summer, I kept seeing ads for Casino Rama where they'd ask you to vote either yes or no for excitement. I kept wondering what they were going to do if people voted no. Well, it looks like the people voted no, and what they did was disappear into the background. I have to laugh. The voting page has been blocked off. Hmmm. Didn't like the results so wanted to hide 'em? I guess they were trying to be as much like real politics as possible.

Seriously, what did they think would happen? Did they really think we were zombified enough to run out and vote yes to excitement like good little minions? The first thing Steve said to me was "If I cared enough to go and vote, I'd vote no just to screw with them."

And besides that, why did they think anyone would want to think about another election, even if it was fake? This is Canada, where we've had way too many elections in the past 2 years, and every second week, the liberals are threatening to force another one. Yeah, let's...capitalize on elections? What? I'm amazed they got any votes at all, considering the amount of voter apathy there is.

I saw a commercial for Visine, and suddenly realized, hey! The iPhone stole their slogan! There's a Visine for that? There's an app for that? Hmmm. Wonder if they'll get sued. Wouldn't it be weird if they somehow created an anti-eye-strain app and called it the Visine App? Then there would be a Visine app for that.

I got thinking about the phenomenon where a commercial gets made, and then edited down into a shorter one. I'm so used to it that I'd never really stopped to think about it before. For some reason I did now. Why do they do that? If they liked the first version, why don't they just go with it? It was only 30 seconds anyway. If they could have said it more concisely the first time, why didn't they? Why make two commercials? The second one is so short, it seems to be gone before it starts. Why bother?

Itravel2000.com is eventually doomed to fail, don't you think? When I remember first seeing it, I thought it sounded cool and cutting edge. It was 1999 or so, and this was Itravel2000. Cool! Now it sounds like they've stagnated and are staying behind the times. I wonder when they'll change their name. It'll have to be Itravel2020, and then Itravel2040...and on and on it'll go.

The commercial for Always Infinity makes me want to gag. In this video, it doesn't sound nearly as bad as it does on the TV, but on the TV, there's this gurgling river noise immediately followed up by "Now your heavy days are under control." Ug! I don't want to think about a river flowing in my pants.

Hey Bell, what makes your internet so perfect for laptops? Seriously, that was the best you could do for a slogan? Any internet can be made perfect for laptops. All you need is a wireless card or a cable and...presto! It's perfect for laptops! That's like saying any old car is perfect for city streets. Well, duh, of course it is. Really, do better.

Before, I was mystified by the commercial for G2. Well, I've seen it a few more times, and realized it's not quite as stupid as I thought. I guess it's about an athlete and maybe somebody with a disability or something. They're talking about how they've never done what the other one does, but they do the best they can. I just didn't catch on that it was the same two people all the way through the commercial.

The commercial for Febreeze is misleading. It says it eliminates odours and leaves a light, fresh scent. Uh, that scent is an odour. So, really, it replaces them.

Whenever we watch Judge Judy, we always see an ad for Steak Um that makes us both go blech. We can't really explain why. It says something like "Are you wondering where your stimulus package is? Well here it is. Tell your neighbours you're having steak tonight. Steak Um: America's favorite sliced steak." The way that's said, it's like you have to wonder what's really in it. Is it just a pile of chemicals with a touch of beef in it? What exactly is it? It doesn't make me wanna chow down.

We couldn't find that commercial, but we did manage to find one that was even worse. Almost makes you think about yum rockets all over again.

The final ad that caught our attention was one for Preparation H of all things. It seriously said, "Preparation H: itching, burning and maximum pain relief on contact." Why the hell would anyone want more itching and burning? That's kind of why they went out and got this stuff, now isn't it? That's even worse than the Dish Network commercial that advertised sixty great channels, plus HBO and Show time.

And that does it for another edition of holy crap we notice too many ads. Hopefully Steve or I will have something fun soon.

No Leafs No!

Congratulations to the Toronto Maple Leafs, who are now officially off tothe worst start in team history.

0-7-1.

Wow.

And to think that the preseason lookedso promising.

I caught the 3rd period last night, and for the first time this year I couldn't figure out how they managed to not win. They played hard. They did their best to take advantage of chances. They kept the puck out of their own end and tried to make things easier on Joey MacDonald than they have been for their goaltenders so far. They basically did everything right and definitely played their best game to date, and it's a shame they didn't come away with the win. Had it not been for Roberto Luongo playing like he was Roberto Luongo, they probably would have.

The good news is that what I saw out of the Leafs last night gave me hope that maybe this season won't be a total bomb. If they keep playing like they did last night, eventually good things can't help but come of it. Best case scenario maybe we'll get a reverse Blue Jays, where they suck at the beginning of the year and then suddenly get good and start making a serious run at the playoffs. Whatever happens, I'm not ready to give up all hope just yet. Monday might be a different story, but for now I'm not feeling so bad in spite of the record breaking futility.

Those Twisted Wrestling Musical Creations, For All to Hear

Back in September, I mentioned that I'd started making drops for that wrestling radio show. I even mentioned them by name. Well, we have server space now, so why not link 'em? Then people can really find out how weird I am.

If you're not into wrestling or the shows, this won't make sense. Hopefully it will make sense to somebody. So without further delay, here they come.

I Got Satchel Ass, All You Need Is Ass, Baby Beluga Featuring Great Khali, I Just Called To Say I'm Done Gus, Can't Touch Gus, It's Hard to be Sheiky, Jan Ass Joplin, Oats and Beans and Khali Grow, Sheiky Poppins, and Song in my Ass.

Yeah, they're weird, but there they are. I'm especially proud of Jan Ass Joplin and Sheiky Poppins. Those took one hell of a lot of work. It's amazing that so much work can play out in 30 seconds. So...enjoy, or something.

For Some Reason I Can't Help But Wonder About All The References To Children

There's so much going onherethat I'm not sure where to begin.

A woman named Hooker won an award for being the "Lay Person of the Year". Her husband's name is B.J. B.J. is currently a pastor at the Big Woods Congregational Methodist Church. In the article we also get to learn about where Mrs. Hooker was "born and reared". and we learn all of this from reporter Woody Morgan.

If there exists a story containing more innuendo, I believe I have yet to see it.

The Riddlers

If you woke up today wanting to see what it would look like if David Letterman hosted a game show, then my friend, today is your lucky day.

Heer he is back in the late 1970's hosting a game called the Riddlers.Part 1,part 2,andpart 3.

Ahh YouTube, is there nothing it can't do?

As far as I can tell there were only ever a couple of episodes shot as pilots and the show was never picked up. In a way that's good since if it had been we might never have gotten Late Night and the Late Show, but it's kind of a shame because really, this isn't too bad. It starts off a bit slow, but the more you watch, the more fun you start having trying to answer all of the riddles...and laughing at the poor play and reactions to the poor play of Debralee Scott. Dave is pretty good as a host, definitely a lot funnier than most of the hosts of the time.

If you have 20 minutes or so to kill, give this a look, it's fun.

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Take A Zappin'

the city of Guelph where Carin and I live has been dealing for several years with the growing problem of the weekend bar crowd not bothering to find bathrooms and pissing or worse all over the downtown. One of the solutions, at least for a few weeks over the summer, was installing outdoor urinals or pissoirs as the media took to calling them in easy to find locations in the hopes that people would use them instead of the storefronts of local shop owners. I'm not sure how well it worked, but given that they were removed earlier than expected I'd guess not well. It's too bad, it was far from the worst idea I'd ever heard. it would have been nice if they were actual portable toilets so that women could use them too, but that seems neither here nor there at this point.

But if the city is looking for the next great weapon in the battle against bodily fluids, I have a suggestion. Do what Irish businessman John O'Connor is about to start doing.

Having had it up to here with cleaning urine and crap off of his sidewalk and out of the inside of his store on really bad nights, the owner of Custy's Traditional Music Shop is taking matters into his own hands and putting his electrical skills to good use.

Frustrated and angered by the flood of vandalism, a friend gave him an electric box with a cable coming from it and five wires.

They spread across the pavement immediately in front of his shop and will give anyone who comes near it an electric jolt.

"The wires are on the ground where I'm greeted every Monday morning with pools of their urine, mounds of their faeces," he said.

"You can see it (wires), it's pretty obvious what's there. There are signs everywhere.

"Last Monday morning the place was destroyed. Urine had seeped into the door jam. I was greeted by a flood of urine inside on the carpet and lino, I had to clean it up for about an hour."

This would be perfect for Guelph. Not only would it be fabulously entertaining for those of us with sense to watch, but the city wouldn't even have to spend the money on designing an expensive educational campaign. All they would have to do is licencethis.

Hopefully there will be updates on how O'Connor's little experiment is going, and they'd better not be updates that include the stupid government stepping in and ruining it on the grounds that we have to protect imbeciles from themselves.

If This Had Worked, He Probably Would Have Come Down With A Wiener Ache The Next Week

Sultan Al-Sayed: Your Honour, when I was caught lying down apparently trying to look under the door of the change room at that pool, I wasn't actually trying to spy on people, especially not that 10-year-old girl. You see, I had one mother of a toothache and I was simply resting my cheek on the cool floor to dull the pain.

His Honour: Ok, but what about the mirror you brought with you?

Sultan Al-Sayed: Um...well...uh...mirror...hmmm...fine question, that...hrrm...

His Honour:That'll be 9 weeks in jail and a deportation if I have my way about it.

What Balance?

Back a while ago, mom said she was reading a book that she thought I should read. It was called "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry. It was all about life in India and how rough it was. I decided what the heck, I'd give it a read.

And oh what a depressing read it was. The scary part is it isn't fiction. The book is supposed to be a reflection of what life really was like in India, and I'd believe it. I mean, I've read about the children as beggars, the sewage workers, even the collection of hair before, so it was hard to not believe the other stories told in this book.

I can't even imagine living in a place where there aren't enough places to live, so slums are created, only to be torn down by the government with no regard for where the people living in them should go. I can't fathom sleeping under awnings and in doorways because there's nothing else. Nor can I imagine being randomly scooped up and forced to go to a sterilization clinic just so the clinic can fill its quota. What an existance. I don't think things ended well for one of these characters, not one. If that's what life is for people in India, no wonder they want to get the hell out of there.

When I told mom I was reading it, she told me that after she had told me to read it, she half considered calling me and telling me not to. That's how depressing she found it.

The saddest thing I found was I was watching the news, and on came a story about how India was going to clean itself up in preparation for the Commonwealth Games. Here we go again, demolishing slums, scooping up beggars, here we go again, around and around. I felt like the book had come to life on my TV.

I finished the book back at Thanksgiving, and it still floats through my head. So, if you ever decide you need to appreciate just how much we have that we take for granted, read the book. I know it made me think a lot about little things I'd heard, things like the time the guy delivering our pizza looked at me and said "In my country, you wouldn't be so lucky." He was referring to my blindness. Yes, I know. Likely I'd be begging, if I was let live at all. That's a scary thought, but one that's all too true.

Give A Dog A Bone? Not This One.

Back on Monday, Steve mentioned that Trixie started our week of insanity off with a bang. Oh boy, truer words were never spoken.

I went home for Thanksgiving. Things started off pretty well. At one point, my sister's boyfriend asked if Trixie could have a bone. I wanted to see the bone to see what I thought. Oh my, it was a big bone. I asked him where he got it, and he said he got it from a butcher, and it was cooked and meant for dogs. It looked very strong and not easy for her to break up or choke on, so I thought ok, sounds good.

Later, dad said it looked pretty honkin', so maybe he should cut it into two. He did, with a saw! I thought if you need a saw to cut through it, it's probably safe.

Then I gave her a piece. She took it, and started gnawing on it. Before we knew it, the piece of bone was gone! Not worked down from big to small, gone. It didn't exist anymore.

Then I noticed that she really needed to take extra trips outside all day, and she always had to do more than pee. I thought well, that was a lot of bone you ate there, pooch.

I went to bed thinking that if she did need something, she would wake me. She always had before. Not this time. I guess the poor thing knew she didn't have time for such trifles as waking me. She booted it down the hall, looking for an exit nearest to a human. She found one, but the humans near the door didn't get the message. And so...this was the first big accident she has had in the house. The poor thing, she really tried.

She apparently made two more of these trips before I even heard anything. My brother was in a bit of shock when mom and I came bounding out just in time to see him fling the door open for the dog. We freaked out a little because our yard isn't fensed and I always leash her up. My brother threw on his shoes in case we had to chase down a dog. But after the poor thing exploded yet again, she came back to us.

It was then that she got sick...and up came chunks of bone. Dog, no wonder you're sick! You're not supposed to consume the damn thing. It was also then that I started to panic. I didn't sleep a wink after that. All I could think was "Oh my god, she could have an intestinal blockage." Visions of Trix having to go in for surgery were dancing in my head. And to make matters worse, I was six hours from my own vet. I'm sure the vet there would have done fine, but then there was the matter of eventually getting back home.

Whatever her fate would have been, I knew I wasn't getting home that day with my sister since part of that trip would have been on a greyhound bus, and Trix was in no way ready to travel.

When I got up the next morning after not sleeping past 3, I was beside myself. It's been a while since I've just openly bawled in front of mom, but I did that day. I blamed myself for letting Trixie have at the bone, I blamed myself for not watching carefully enough, anything I could blame myself for, I did. Mom had to tell me to "stop it!" Poor mom, she was probably frustrated beyond belief.

After not feeding Trix for about 24 hours since her last food, which she took pretty well, aside from running to every new person who got up as if to say, "Are you going to feed me? Maybe you can tell Carin she forgot to feed me!", we started on some rice with boiled chicken in it. Wow, rice is amazing stuff. It wasn't long before all the diarrhea stopped. And Trix thought this rice was pretty good stuff.

But once we got the diarrhea stopped, it was hard to get things started again. We gradually added food back in, but things were still pretty irregular. Finally, we were convinced she was good to travel, so mom and dad, being the sweethearts they are, drove me back here.

So the moral of this story is, no more bones for you, Trix! I don't need any more heart attacks.

Flashy Swimsuit

It's a special kind of weird guy who dresses up in a woman's bathing suit just to flash someone. Not only did he dress up in a bathing suit, but he had make-up and panty hose on. Yes, that's what Phillip John Ortega did. He was just walkin' around in this weird outfit, and found a woman smoking on her porch. It's not clear whether he had targeted her, or she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He first walked up to her and asked where his friend went. She was getting the serious weird vybe and told him? Her? It? to go away. He sure didn't, choosing to move the bathing suit aside, shake his willie and say "Hey, look at this." I guess that was his long-lost friend then. When police found him nearby, without any prompting, he said the woman was lying and he never showed her his genetals. Uh, fail. You're supposed to wait for the questions to start before denying any wrongdoing.

What possesses people to do weird things like this?

La-Z-Lawn-Boy

Wow, people are getting weirder and weirder about what they choose to drive to the bar. Dennis LeRoy Anderson decided his mode of transport would be a motorized La-Z-Boy chair. What a sweet-sounding chair though.

Proctor Deputy Police Chief Troy Foucault said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower with a Briggs & Stratton engine. It has a stereo, cup holders and other custom options, including different power levels.

A National Hot Rod Racing Association sticker is posted on the chair's head rest. The chair had a small steering wheel, about a third of the size of a golf cart's, coming straight up from the middle of the La-Z-Boy.

Now that he's got some charges, and pled guilty, he won't be taking rides to the bar on that La-Z-Boy unless he can get it back from police at the auction.

So Long, Captain Lou

While I was busy being sick/screamed at by construction equipment I didn't get the chance to mention the passing of Captain Lou Albano, who died last week at the age of 76.

Sitting here trying to list off all of the Captain's accomplishments and what he meant to not only the world of wrestling but to entertainment in general would no doubt take me all day, so here's a nicerundownof his life from the always excellent SLAM! Wrestling complete with quotes from Lou and some of the people who worked with him through the years.

If you've somehow managed never to see Lou in action, here he is plugging WrestleMania 2, his movie, his book and whatever else he can think of but really,he's not trying to promote anything.Wrestling wishes it had people that colourful and entertaining today.

And speaking of entertaining, I bet you didn't know that the true inventor of rock music wasn't anybody who would claim it in the 1950's, but rather Captain Lou back before the beginning of time. Seriously,just ask him.Yes, the George he's talking to, the one making all the noises in the background is in fact George The Animal Steele. When I was a kid I used to drive everybody up every wall we had with this song and the rest of the 1985 wrestling album. Kids today, you'll never understand how much fun wrestling music used to be back before everybody had to come out to one of today's 5 generic metal songs.

So before you get on with your day today, listen to a littleCyndi Lauperand take a moment to remember the often imitated but never duplicated Captain Lou Albano.

She's Not A Heroine In This Story

Patricia Stracina sounds like a real prize. She taught her son Raymond how to shoot heroin when he was 15, was seen injecting him with it, would take him with her to get the heroin, then she said she wouldn't cut him off because he would get sick. Oh no, treatment wasn't an option. Just keep dosin' up. Now he's dead from an overdose of heroin and cocaine. Way to go, world class mom you are.

If He Was Making Tea, Oh Noooo!

This is just a tad ridiculous. We've heard people can get arrested for screaming at their own toilets and laughing really hard in the privacy of their own home, but now we find out through the case of poor Eric Williamson that you can get arrested for making coffee naked when you're alone in your own house.

It was 5:30 in the morning and he just woke up. He decided to make some coffee. He didn't bother to put anything on, it was dark and who was looking? Well, some woman and her 7-year-old boy were, and called him in. The police, without explaining why, said they felt he wanted to be seen by the public. Why? Was he flashing people out the window? Was he jacking off at the window? Why did they think he wanted to be seen?

And while we're looking into people's backgrounds, why the hell did this woman have a 7-year-old child walking around at 5:30 in the morning? Shouldn't he have been in bed? No school starts that early.

He's planning on suing them and fighting the charges. Go Eric.

Blog List Quirks

Here's a note to folks who use the Blog List gadget on Blogger. Don't update it from within your blog. Like, don't click that cute little edit link. It doesn't work. Oh it says it will work, it opens the same little window. But oh no it doesn't. It has other ideas. You put in your URL, and then there are like 3 add links! Aaaa! So then you click one of them and it just sort of bounces you around and does nothing. You click the others and it plonks you in the address bar. Then it digests the URL and refuses to accept new text. Ug! So always do it through layouts. Don't touch that edit link.

In The Center Of The Roof, On A Quest For A Woof.

I came across In the Center of the Roof when I was wreading Life with the Dogs and started to read it. I thought her blog was pretty neat. She has just recently lost her vision, but she's getting on with life with a passion and a zeal that we all need. And she's applying to GDB! Need I say more? Hahahahahehehehehe!

Then I didn't read her for two weeks, and sweet merciful crap I had a lot of reading to do. "That does it," I said. "She's going in our blogroll!" I'm never going to fall behind again.

I hope others will enjoy her, and her network can grow.

Fine, If You Won't Cook It, I'll Cook It

Rajah Theiveneraeas looks to be the type of guy who doesn't deal well with being hungry, nor, it seems, with forgiveness when he feels he's been wronged.

So angry was the 54-year-old one day when his wife was late to make his lunch that he decided to express his frustration with her transgression by doing the only logical thing...dumping gas on the stairs and setting the damn house on fire with her and their daughters inside.

Everyone escaped with only minor burns, but the house wasn't so lucky.

For his actions Theiveneraeas has been sentenced to 4 years in prison, where meals will hopefully be served in a more timely manner.

HistoryFacebook

I know zillions of people have a Facebook page, but...should Auschwitz have one? You are reading that correctly. I nearly lost my lunch when I saw the words "Auschwitz has a facebook page."

I know it's a museum now, and the page was designed to reach out to youth to talk about the holocaust, but there's something disturbing about adding Auschwitz as a friend on Facebook.

I have no problem with the idea of a YouTube channel as long as the videos are tasteful, which by the sounds of it they are, but...Facebook? That's just weird. Am I alone in this?

Mozzarella Capow

The story of a chef threatening to shoot a waitress in the forehead if he got one more order for the mozzarella caprese salad reminds me of that episode of Corner Gas where Lacey makes up a sandwich, the Ruby Club, and then everybody wanted to order it and then she was all frazzled and frustrated. Here it is, in four glorious parts, here for you if you need a refresher.

What would have been really scary is this guy's the manager! I know I wouldn't have wanted to come back to work on Monday.

What A Week, What A Stupid, Stupid Week

So yeah...it's been a while, like almost a week since you've all heard from me. don't worry, I have excuses. In fact, excuses are the only reason I'm bothering to write something at all.

The short version of the where have I been story can be summed up in 3 words. This week sucked. I could add 4 more words by saying that things still suck now and then go back to sleep, but I want to try to at least put something of even minimal substance up today.

The trouble started for both Carin and I over the long weekend. Carin (or more accurately Trixie) kicked things off with a bang on Sunday and I'll leave that ordeal for Carin to recount if she feels like it, but the main lesson I hope a certain dog has learned is that bones are for chewing on, not swallowing.

Next up was Monday and the second of 2 thanksgiving dinners for my family. the meal was good as was the company, but it would have been nice if some of that company had decided not to show up for the sake of the rest of us. Come to find out that my uncle and one of his kids were both sick, him for a week and her for I'm not sure how long. Of course, as luck would have it I spent more time than usual talking to this particular uncle, so I bet you can figure out where this is eventually going.

Fast-forward to the next morning. My Grandpa calls my mom's house to see how we're all feeling. Why? Well, because now everybody in that uncle's family is sick, naturally. I knew I was in trouble as soon as I heard this because it's October, and for some reason me and October have a bad history. sure enough, by the end of Tuesday I'm starting to feel a bit of a tickle in the throat. It isn't much, nothing that a cough candy here and there isn't taking care of.

Carin and Trix make it home late Tuesday night thanks to her parents who were nice enough to drive the 6 hours to get Carin back here. A sick dog on a Greyhound bus would have been 0 fun, and even if fun would have been had, unlike a certain uncle of mine we try not to visit our misfortunes on others if we can avoid it.

So after spending part of Wednesday with the Family Carin it's time to start getting things back to normal...right? Wrong!

For a few weeks they've been doing brick work on our building and Wednesday afternoon they finally made it around to our side. Good God it was loud. Hearing JAWS was pretty much out of the question headphones or not which for Carin and I meant that getting anything serious accomplished just wasn't going to happen. That reminds me, I also broke my headphones this week so I need to buy new ones at some point.

So with Wednesday afternoon pretty much a write-off I started looking ahead to Thursday and things I wanted to do. I wish I hadn't.

Thursday entered with the slightly scratchy throat having become full blown voice loss not to mention the addition of an endless hot and cold cycle and full body aches that I'm still kind of dealing with today. this is no good because Friday Carin and I have tickets for the Arrogant Worms show that was cancelled back in June after the River Run Centre became a River when the sprinklers malfunctioned. Oh well, if I rested for the day which thankfully I could since the grinding and hammering had moved further away from us there was always the chance I'd be good to go for Friday.

How about no?

I didn't think it would be how about no at the start. I woke up and had a bit more energy and thought maybe I could pull things together enough to have a nice evening out. that feeling was short lived, coming to its ultimate end when I took a shower and nearly fainted. to make matters worse, Carin decided she'd have what I was having and by the afternoon was feeling about as bad as I was.

But wait, it gets better.

While I was trying not to pass out in the shower, a phone call came. Remember thatDef Leppard concert that was replacing the Aerosmith concert that was supposed to be my mom's Mother's Day Present?How about no? Seriously, it's been cancelled. I can't believe my luck.

Speaking of concerts, we never made it to the worms. We decided we would do the sad but smart thing and eat the $60 so that we could stay home and rest. Saturday was a big day and we needed to be up for it.

We weren't up for it.

Well, more accurately I was more up for it than Carin was so things kind of worked out in a way, but entertaining guests is never fun when you feel like Carin did/does, so I give her major credit for doing so well all night long.

All things considered Saturday was awesome. In spite of hardly being able to talk, I somehow managed to sing. It wasn't the best obviously but I didn't want to miss the chance to play music for the first time in 5 years with one of my favourite people. and play we did, blowing out what remained of my voice. It quickly got back to where it was pre-serenade which means that I'm still not able to speak much above a whisper, but it was worth the good time and I didn't suffer nearly as much as I thought.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, exactly how we needed it. We spent a good part of it sleeping and relaxing, trying to get over this son of a bitch flu that just won't leave. Carin Ultimately ended up worse off than I did. Since Friday she's hardly been able to eat. Aside from Saturday I haven't eaten much either, but at least in my case whatever I have eaten I've kept.

Hopefully today things will start to turn around. I feel like I'm on the winning end of things now but it's slow going and I need to use my energy wisely. Carin isn't up yet but hopefully she's had a good night's sleep and doing better.

So if there isn't much from us the next little while, we're either still dead or playing catch-up with life. Hopefully things will be back to what passes for normal soon, hopefully your week was better than ours, and hopefully I can soon devote sufficient energy to coming up with another word for hopefully, because there sure were a lot of hopefully's in those last couple sentences.

Talk to you all later...hopefully.

We Did It! Let's...Bump Elbows?

I was watching the news, and I saw a story that made me shake my head. They said that because of the swine flu threat, Olympic athletes are being encouraged not to shake hands, do the high 5, or do the cheek-to-cheek kiss thing. Now, they suggest they should do an elbow-tap.

Of course there is the initial "Oh boy, here we go" feeling. How stupid would it be to bump elbows? That's just plane old dumb. But here's the second reason to shake your head. Where are we being advised to cough and sneeze? That's right, folks, right into our elbows. So, by smacking elbows, all those nasty elbow germs are getting to meet each other even more easily now. Way to go, smart thinkin'.

Insanity, And Not Linda Brown's Either

The story of Linda Brown is a sad one, but not on the subject of mental illness as you might think. It's a sad statement about how many of us are selfish assholes.

Linda Brown drove up to a clothing store in a hummer, walked in and announced that she had won the lottery and wanted to buy up to $500 worth of merchandise for each person. Everybody thought this was awesome and started grabbing stuff and phoning their friends telling them to come down and take advantage of the deal. All carts were grabbed and started getting filled. Lines were snaking everywhere. She spent several thousand until her debit card reached its limit. Then she left the store, austensibly to get more money. Then it was discovered that she had not won the lottery, she in fact was mentally ill, and couldn't pay for all this stuff. Cue the mayhem! Some people started throwing stuff. Most just walked out of the store. Police had to be called to control the crowd. Store employees had to clean up the resulting mess for a day and a half.

And we call ourselves civilized. This is what we do when we think we'll get a bargain. Why don't we go ahead and trample a Wal-Mart greeter or steal the groceries of a man while he dies? Oh yeah, we already did. And the thing is it's not like we're all starving and desperate. At least then, the descent into animal-like behaviour could be excused. These people were at a clothing store just shopping like normal human beings when this happened, and then they all turned into assholes, and then savages when it wasn't to be.

I would hope that, if I was in that store, I would not have acted like such a tool. I at least hope that once the atmosphere of being in a group of people all doing the same thing had cleared away, people felt guilty for their behaviour.

Not A Good Activity

Robert and Roberta Masters are a special kind of stupid. They thought it would be a good idea to teach their son and his friends how to make bombs. The mom even encouraged them to watch videos on how to make bombs from YouTube. She didn't want to stifle her son's curiosity. Soon after the bomb-making lessons, mailboxes started to go boom. In one case, the bomb squad had to be called in. The kids started doing it to random mailboxes, then started targeting people they knew.

But the stupidity of the parents didn't end there. After they found out what happened, they started talking to their son's friends' parents, telling them not to talk to police, to get their stories straight and make amends with all the victims. The other parents weren't so keen on this plan.

I wonder what other learning opportunities they had in mind. I'm scared of the potential.

Pothead

God it would be funny to watch this go down.

A police officer walked into a convenience store and saw a guy walking away from the washroom, peering into his hat. When the guy looked up, there was a bag of marijuana stuck to his forehead. The cop walked up to him, pulled the bag off his forehead and said, "Is this what you're looking for?"

I don't think you're wiggling out of those charges there, Cesar Lopez.

Local TV Breaks Dave Carroll?

Dave Carroll, why'd you have to go and write the cable song? It makes me sad. Neither party seems right in this saga, why'd you have to throw your voice behind one of 'em? You seem like such a good guy.

Another Fake Kidnapping

I just happened to be watching TV, and another fake kidnapping was served up. I guess this has been going on even longer than I thought.

This one happened in 2004, and involved Audrey Seiler, who said she was kidnapped from her apartment and kept in the woods for days, given cold medicine, restrained with duct tape and rope and threatened with a knife. How about she bought the duct tape, rope, knife and cold medicine herself and staged the whole affair to somehow convince her boyfriend to stay with her. I honestly don't know how that could have worked for more than maybe a week. I hope her boyfriend ran far, far away.

Digital Boxes May Become Accessible!

Ever since digital cable took off, I've wished there was a way for me to interact with the onscreen menus that allow you to do a lot of the things that make digital cable so cool, things like using the TV guide, ordering things on demand, all that good stuff. Now, someone has started making that possible! We can't use it yet, it's been designed by a Hong Kong-based company, and it's in its early stages, but how cool is that? I hope it takes off, and one day, we can benefit from it. That would make me very happy.

Would You Like Rage With That?

Gees! If hurling coins and plastic cones at McDonald's employees when they give you the wrong size of fries was acceptable, there'd be a lot more attacks. The sad part was the cashier even fixed their order, and only then did they start throwing change and plastic cones. Weird people.

No Suit For You

We need a judge to do with Jonathan Lee Riches what's been done in the case of Saint Torrance. Judge Ralph "Ted" Winkler declared Torrance a vexatious litigator, and ruled that the only way he could file a lawsuit was after getting permission from the presiding judge. Yup, sounds good to me. Apparently, the way this guy works is he sues somebody or a company, and if he doesn't win, then he sues the judge who ruled against him for not ruling in his favour. I can't believe this guy's a grown man. He's acting like someone who's about 4 years old, going to the other parent when the one parent doesn't say what they want to hear.

The judge says that his lawsuits are rejected because they are "ill-considered, often indecipherable and rarely based on the law." Yup, sounds like a perfect fit for Riches.

Fish Stories

Ok, what's with exes hurting their ex's fish? We heard about a woman frying her ex's goldfish. Now this story of Donald Earl Fite III stabbing his ex-girlfriend's fish and leaving it impaled on the floor. The weirdest part is they seemed to be all very concerned for the fish, and not the fact that he invaded her home, wouldn't let her leave the bathroom, grabbed her by the hair, and threw her against a wall and the bathtub. But oh, the fish is the central concern. You idiots, he killed the fish as a way to get at her. Isn't that really, really obvious?

Two Not So Bright Lights

How many times must we learn the lesson that we don't use lighters to check fuel levels? The stingy pricks at this newspaper don't let you see the whole story, and everyone else is linking to the same place, but here's all the story we need.

Two Dover men were burned after one of them used a lighter to look inside a diesel tank.

Way to go, Daniel Stephens and Donald Lindsay. One flick, and then a kaboom, and you both got some sweet burns to your upper bodies.

Just because people ask if you've got a light when they want to use your lighter doesn't mean your lighter can serve as a light.

When I Hear That Lonesome Whistle, I Hang My Pants And Die

If you've been paying attention to the things you read here, you should have long ago learned that walking down train tracks and being distracted do not a good mix make.

Today it's time to learn something new.

that something new comes courtesy of an un-named 22-year-old German fellow who, after being thrown off of a train for riding without having a ticket, decided to get his revenge via a goodmooning.

Unfortunately for our hero, his pants got caught in one of the doors and he wound up being dragged about 200 bare-assed metres down the line before the emergency brake was pulled and he could be freed.

Amazingly he was unharmed other than the obvious cuts and bruises, which means he will live to see his day in court. At that time he will face charges of dangerous interference with rail transport and insulting the train staff. He could also be on the hook financially if he's sued for the delays he caused.

He Shoots, He Sco...No, Wait

While you're throwing your Thanksgiving parties, do remember not to start celebrating too early, like the people in this clip for instance.the Top 10 Premature Sports Celebrations.

I wish I had more time to sit around thinking and writing. It would be interesting to see how many things I could loosely relate to Thanksgiving in a cheesy fashion. Well, interesting for me anyhow. This will probably be the last one unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately depending on how you look at things.

Hating Flying And Loving Turkey And Booze

As the Canadians among us get ready to hopefully enjoy the long Thanksgiving weekend, here's some reading material for those of you who have the misfortune of having to fly to wherever you're going.7 True Stories That Prove The Airlines Hate You

If you're one of the lucky few that will actually be leaving on time and don't have a chance to read this right now, long story short, United doesn't justbreak guitars,they also set shit on fire and otherwise find new and inventive ways to make innocent people completely fucking miserable.

But on a happier note, just in case I don't get to say it before I head off on my own trip (no, I'm not flying), happy thanksgiving from Carin and I. She left today to spend some time with her family and I'm leaving tomorrow to do the same with mine, so the site will be going quiet for a couple days. You probably wont' even notice we're gone, and besides, you'll all be doing your own holiday thing anyway. What's that Mr. Stat Counter? The majority of our visitors are Americans? Hmmm. Ok. Yeah. Well, who says you all can't cook a turkey and have some fun for no reason? It'll be good practice for that November deal of yours.

I'll try to crank out a few more posts before I leave, but no promises. Until we meet again, have a good weekend. When we meet again, then you can stop.

What a PR Meth

Remember back when I said people with colds were going to start having a hard time because there would be stupid laws put on the books to restrict the purchase of cold remedies to slow meth-production? Well, here we go. All Sally Harpold wanted to do was buy some cold medication for her husband. Then her daughter got a cold the same week, so she went out and bought some decongestant for her. unbeknownst to her, this turned her into a lawbreaker of the worst kind. You see, both cold medications contain the ingredient pseudoephedrine, which can also be used to make meth. Because she bought over 3.0 grams of the stuff, she set off alarm bells, and...knock knock knock, "You're under arrest. Oh, and your face will be planted under a newspaper headline about " 17 getting caught in a drug sweep."

The thing that kills me about this article is the very thing that makes this law flawed is made plain.

As authorities and retailers have limited the sale of PSE, some meth-makers have resorted to asking their relatives and friends, who are unaware of the intended use of the product, to go buy the cold medicine. That has put some innocent people unwittingly into the cycle of meth production. And a buyer may call five or six different people to go buy the cold medicine, thereby circumventing the law.

And there ya have it, the reason this law will never catch the actual bad guys. They will always find another way to the stuff they want.

The kicker quote is spoken by Vigo County Sheriff Jon Marvel.

I feel for her, but if she could go to one of the area hospitals and see a baby born to a meth-addicted mother …

Uh, sheriff, she works in a women's correctional facility. I'm sure she knows all about the effects of meth. She never intended to make meth. Stop preaching! You got the wrong gal!

It looks like her record will be wiped clean if she doesn't break any laws for 30 days and she pays her court costs. But even that doesn't seem fair. That doesn't take back her mugshot being plastered all over the newspaper under the headline "17 caught in drug sweep". I wish there was a way she could sue the bastards, but she would probably lose. They'd just point to all the signs up in the stores saying that cold medication purchases were being monitored and say she should have known.

Don't Wait Around For This

Before you decide you hate me after this post for starting your day off in such a horrible manner, I have one thing to say in my defence. Blame Carin. Yes, blame Carin. it was her whoencouragedme to share this with you.

Good sweet christ. That guy should get together with Rob Hill and that dude who plays downtown who smells like...how did someone put it the other day ? Unwashed person? Yeah. Who smells like that and who only knows two chords. Maybe they would either teach each other something, or through some miracle, their cries would create an uncanny harmony.

She also added this.

I've been wai-ai-aiting, around for you-oo-oo-oo-oo.

See, what is about to happen to you is clearly her fault.

The song you are about to hear is bad. No, I mean really bad. No, worse than that. it is a piece of music so wrong on so many levels that last I heard it was busy creating new levels on which it could be wrong.

I must stop at this point and tell the story behind how I came to be in possession of such hazardous material.

A couple of years ago, our old pal Greg called me up and told me that he had run into Robb, who he had gone to highschool with. I'd met Robb a few times over the years and always thought he was a decent enough guy. If he reads this he might not be thinking the same of me in a minute, but those are the perils of the job and I accept them. Anyway, Greg informed me that Robb had moved out west and was trying to make a name for himself in music and comedy. He said Robb had sent him some of his music and that I really needed to hear it. At that moment I knew I was in trouble. So yes, this is not exclusively Carin's fault, but she's around the site more and is easier to yell at.

the song Greg sent me is called Around For You, and against your better judgment, you're going to clickhereand download it.

The first thing you'll notice is that everything sounds slightly out of tune. the guitars, the vocals, the whole package. the next thing you'll notice is that you'll soon be longing for the part when everything was only slightly out of tune as if you were somebody's grandfather pining for the days when kids weren't such disrespectful little pricks. Speaking of disrespectful, this song is still playing.

Things quickly degenerate from there, believe it or not. this has everything that makes a bad song bad and then some. Lyrics that don't rhyme (gone and down?), high harmonies that sound like some cold-hearted bastard ran over your beloved family pet with a semi, only to back up and do it again...and again...and again...kind of the way you'll feel by about the 1:30 mark come to think of it, vocals that I think are supposed to be sung in a round that turn out more like a rectangle (definitely some kind of tangle to be sure), and poor recording quality (seriously, be careful of your ears and speakers). It's also long, clocking in at 4 minutes and 43 seconds. Sure that may not seem like much now, but shortening it by about 4:43 would have greatly improved matters. and all that I've said so far doesn't even touch on the big question. If our friend Robb here is trying to make his name in music and comedy, which is this supposed to be?

But unlike a lot of the crap I have so much fun writing about here, this song has proven useful a time or 2. If you've ever had one of those contests with your friends to see which one of you has the wackiest or worst song in your collection, this one's almost always a sure winner. Unless your buddy comes back at you with someFlorence Foster Jenkins,you can't lose.

3 Kids, 2 Dogs, No Sense Of Responsibility

Ug. Why do all these news stories about shitty parents come in waves? Now we have Xiomara Enid Diaz and Rafael Viconte Ortiz. Let's see.

• They left all their doors open
• so their 2 and 3-year-old kids could end up roaming the streets
• Which they did
• in the nude
• and rode around on a big wheel.
• When the naked little darlings were brought back to their home by police, they found 2 sleeping parents,
• as well as 2 chihuahuas shitting all over the house,
• no beds for the children
• and no food.

Way to go guys. Kiss your kids goodbye. Oh wait, maybe this situation only warrants priority 2 status.

One Way To Turn All Your Friends Into Enemies In A Hurry

I can't believe the lengths that Deputy Joe Russell went to in order to trick everyone into believing he had cancer. And for what? So they could give him some sick leave? Oh, he also got a bunch of money and an award for enduring all this cancer treatment.

First, he said he had lung cancer. Then he seemed to fight that off. Then it was brain cancer. Miraculously, he fought that off too. Then he got it in his testicles and said he had to have one removed. Then...he killed himself, and when they did an autopsy, they found he never had cancer, and both his testicles were present and accounted for.

Why would someone do such a thing? I mean, he even shaved his eyebrows and went to tanning beds to make his skin appear red from cancer treatments. He wasn't even honest with his wife! If you're not enjoying the time off with your wife, and you're just slinking off to be alone for your stolen sick time because you know you can't be seen out having fun, what's the point?

What a sick man, a sick man who had all of this catch up with him, I guess.

My Access Recognition Awards Radio Ad

I gotta say woohoo, or maybe it's wheay! You be the judge. We just got some server space from a pretty cool place called BlindFileSharing.com. I just uploaded a file there that just happens to be me doing a radio ad for those Access recognition awards I was talking about before. So if you want to hear it, and here what I sound like, *oh god I can't believe I'm doing this*, click this cute little link here.

And if you're in Guelph, don't forget to nominate someone for an award...if you have someone in mind. The clock is ticking!

Too Bad Her Name Wasn't Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout

I can't imagine living, and dying, in 8-foot heaps of trash, trash so deep that they had to bring in breathing gear and two different types of dogs to find the woman who had once inhabited the house. Yikes.

Tools In His Ass

I hope this isn't true. if it is, it's yet another example of a story that can be told by starting with the words a Romanian man, and it also means that Viorel Firoiu, after eating cherries and becoming plugged up, decided to have a few drinks and thenplug himself up a bit more with a hammerhead he thought he could use to dislodge what was ailing him.

Not surprisingly, this technique failed. But not being one to give up, he decided that the best solution would be to cram another one up there to see if he could knock the first one loose. Yes, this too was a failure and he eventually had to go to hospital to have them professionally removed.

No word on whether or not he was listening to the I know an old lady who swallowed a fly song while all this was going on.

Let's Hope He Doesn't Have Daughters...

I don't understand the leniency of this jury. Johnny Marlowe was accused of, and admitted to, circumcizing his sons with a box cutter because god told him to, ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow, but he only got misdemeanor child abuse charges. Why, why, why why why? What do you have to do to get convicted of a felony child abuse charge in North Carolina? I'm scared.

I Can't Save Time In A Bottle, So I'll Just Give You Time In The Can

Let's update the lexicon of things not to do during one's trial, shall we?

After one has been convicted, it is never a good idea to interrupt a judge's sentencing to say get on with it. That will only anger the judge, causing him to tack on a few more years to your already long sentence. It is especially bad form to insist that you don't have time for this. Oh, Trammel Bledsoe, you have more than enough time. You have 41 years of it.