Goddammit!

If there's anybody out there who saw my post about the Hot Hot Heat CD review I did and wanted to read it but hadn't hit the link yet, I should probably let you know that that link doesn't work anymore. If you click there you'll go to a review, but it's just not the one you were looking for.

Instead you'll be taken to a review of Short Music for Short People, a really fantastic punk compilation. I suggest you go and read all about it and maybe even buy it. There's even a handy little button right on the page that will let you do just that, and you'll be supporting Salty Ham at the same time.

As for where you can find Hot Hot Heat, go to the main page of
Salty Ham
and look around for it. It's still on the main page under the Classic Music Reviews heading.

I think in the future I'm going to stop linking directly to things like that since the way that the site is set up, the links swap themselves out when new content gets posted. I'll link to the reviews sections and when I actually start writing columns again [which will be soon by the way] I'll link to the archive page like I've always done.

Sorry for the confusion.

Cross Your Fingers For Me Guys

Well, I won't be posting for a few days as I'm off to Montreal for our final selection camp to name the Olympic team. I'm pretty excited and pretty nervous as I'm sure you can imagine. I don't have much to say as I'm trying to get myself focused on what I gotta do but I just thought I'd come on and just let everyone know I'm out for a while and ask you to keep your fingers crossed for me. Never hurts to have a little luck backing you up.

Have a good weekend and I'll let you know how it went when I get back.

Something To Think About

I was just reading a story about how the Recording Industry Association Of America has filed suits against another 400 and some odd people for copyright infringement. By now most of you should probably know how I feel about those so I'm not going to get into that. But one thing that struck me funny was the rationale behind who the RIAA have chosen to sue in this new round of legal action.

Here's a quote from the story I read.

"the organization highlighted its litigation against university students, this time at 14 separate schools. Record labels have been particularly concerned about high levels of music trading on campuses, where students often have access to fast Internet connections and little money for music purchases."

So what's so wrong with that? Well, let's look at what that all means.

The RIAA are worried about college and university students who don't have lots of money at their disposal downloading music and not buying it on CD's or through places like iTunes, so in their infinite wisdom they respond in the most logical way possible, by suing them...for thousands of dollars per infringement. I guess that makes sense if you're the most retarded retard to ever be retarded in the entire recorded history of retardedness. Come on, if the reason that students aren't buying music is because they simply don't have the cash for it, then how do you figure they're going to pay the settlement, or hadn't you thought ahead that far? Some days I honestly think that the RIAA should hire me to head up a common sense department because they obviously can't be bothered to have any of their own.

But I suppose that if there's anything positive we can take from this story it's that we can all thank our lucky stars that the people plotting out the RIAA's legal strategy are doing that rather than teaching math to our kids.

Happy downloading,

Steve

Matt Gets His Wish

Yesterday Matt told me that I should review the Hot Hot Heat album for Salty Ham before I did The Descendents. Well I did, and if you want to read it, you can do that by clicking
here.

Enjoy and I'll hopefully be back with something more a little later on.

They Just Keep Coming

Feel free to keep sending these things in, they're great. This one even gets extra points for penising the album title.

Maroon 5 - Songs about Penis
1) Harder to Penis
2) This Penis
3) Shiver Penis
4) She will be Penis
5) Tangled Penis
6) The Penis
7) Must Get Penis
Sunday Penis
9) Secret Penis
10) Through with Penis
11) Not Coming Penis
12) Sweetest Penis
Satan | 04.28.04 - 12:16 am |

I'm A Blogging Machine

So I heard an interesting theory on the radio this morning that made a lot of sense and I've been thinking about a lot. It's in regards to the Leafs/Flyers series that will continue tonight.

It was said by one of the announcers that Philly coach, Ken Hitchcock, is going out of his way to be nice to the Leafs. The Leafs seem to play better when there is a hatred there and an intensity. The Leafs got by Ottawa this year and you know there's a hatred there. They played Philly real tough in the playoffs last year when things started to get real mean. The Islanders and Senators the year before that definitely had some heat and when they go to Carolina there was no rivalry or hatred and they went right in the shitter.

The Leafs are made up of guys like Tucker, Roberts, Marchment and guys like that who play better with a burr in their saddle. They want it real physical, they want lots of lipping off and shoving and they're not getting that.

When Hitchcock talks to the media about Toronto he is very very complimentary saying things like "we'll need to get much better because we know Toronto will" "oh, they're a great team and they're going to push us to the edge" "well Sundin's a great player and we knew it would be tougher with him back in the line-up" "we've been lucky to get a few by Belfour because he's one of the best in the world" and things like that. The Flyers' players are doing the same thing and it's almost certainly by order of the coach.

You look at Jeremy Roenick. He is one of the most outspoken guys in the league who is always good for a quote to spark something and he has done nothing but praise Belfour and the Leafs. It's obvious Hitchcock does not want to wake up the Leafs. I'm sure in the locker room they say all the same "Toronto are assholes" "fuck this guy" kinda thing but not publically. They've been very diplomatic and that's something that the Flyers' are not known for.

Philly is quite content playing an up and down game without much intensity because they're winning at it. Philly plays tough but they're not as big as they used to be and they don't want this to turn in to a war. They wanna continue what they're doing now and get the last laugh when they sweep the Leafs right out of the playoffs.

Toronto needs to find something to hate about the Flyers. You would think that the fact that they were eliminated last year by this would be enough but it has not been. In all fairness, the Leafs have not played poorly but they have not played that mean game that they can play and need to play to be effective. Philly has small guys on the team. You need to start hitting the Recchi's, the Roenick's and the Kapanen's and taking advantage of that. That will accomplish two things. You'll knock those smaller guys off the puck to create opportunity for yourself and you may upset them and begin to put some life in to this series. Toronto needs that.

I just thought it was an interesting theory and when you look back at the different series' where Toronto has played well vs where they've played badly it usually has something to do with heat and rivalry. You can even go as far back as the wars with New Jersey. Toronto lost those series' but they played well and they were long series' and you KNOW there was hatred between those teams then.

Just something to think about.

Someone Help Me Figure This Out

Yesterday I was at Karine's blog and I followed a link to one of her friend's blogs. I read a bit there and was about to move on but just before I left another link caught me eye that said "My Secret Life As A Prostitute" or something along those lines. Me being the curious guy I am decided to check it out. The link said it was just another blog so I wanted to see what kind of person would possibly name their blog something like that instead of something classy like VomitComet.

When I got their, it was exactly what it was advertised to be. This girl had her normal life and then a private life where for extra money she would sell herself. She tried to classy it up by saying "call girl" or "escort" and saying she had "apointments" but it is what it is, to me. This blog was something that she didn't tell her friends and fmaily about but was just a journal of the guys she was having "apointments" with. It wasn't something dirty where she went in to all kinds of detail on what she did with each of them but actually seemed like her own journal just saying "this guy was sweet" "oh god, i'll never go to him again" and things like that.

In the second post I read, she talked about doing up new ads to post. That struck me as odd since I know that prostitution was illegal. So I wondered if she may have lived in a different country. It turns out she lives somewhere in the U.S. (did not reveal where for obvious reasons). Prostitution is illegal in the U.S. so it stuck me as odd that she would be so publically advertising. This was something I'd never really thought about much before. I'd heard of different "Escort" services and things like that but I thought they were all kind of shadey and you just kind of had to find them by "word of mouth" and things like that but I decided to look more in to it.

So, I think I've said on here before that I don't live too far from Toronto, Canada. So I typed in to just the standard Google search bar the following phrase. "Toronto Escorts". I was not surprised that I got a lot of matches as the internet is full of porno and shit like that. What I was surprised with was that there were actual ads and things online. One of them was a link to Yellowpages.ca where there was a listing of all the Escort Services in the Toronto Area. I was floored at how freely this stuff was advertised if it's illegal.

I mean if the police are so interested in getting rid of prostitution why don't they just look in the damn phone book and then go to these places and break it up. I mean the only difference between these things and a chick you pick up off a street corner is that if you'd like to, you can take her to a party or something first so it looks like you have a date before you go home and fuck her. It's still prostitution.

That's where my question lies. Perhaps someone has a better understanding of the laws than I do and can shed some light on this for me. Is an "Escort Service" legal? If so, why is it legal and prostitutes on street corners are arrested regularly? It doesn't make much sense to me. These "Services" are just basically more professional and classy looking prostitution. (if that's possible). And if these things are not legal? How is that they can be so freely advertised in such public areas as the Yellow Pages. It would be one thing if you had to go to some shady website (and those were there too) and get a list of e-mail adresses or something but how can you get away with publishing that in your phone book? Someone's gotta help me out, here.

One last thing. This oughta help Steve out with his fun with people's searchs and ending up here. You know someone will be looking for a Toronto Area Whore and end up at our site now.

More Random Blogging

Good Wednesday morning to all you bored people. (why else would you be here?)
So Calgary snuck by Detroit last night. I'm impressed. Detroit was missing Chelios but the Flames were missing Warrener and looking at the 2 organizations I would say that Detroit should have had an easier time making up for that than Calgary. Kudos to the Flames though as they are certainly holding their own in this series. Do I think that they have what it takes to get by Detroit? The answer is still no. But I hope I'm wrong and they're starting to give me doubts. Besides Toronto/Philly, this has become the series I'm most interested in. Looking at things right now it seems to be the series that has the best chance of keeping a Canadian team in it.

This weekend I go to Montreal for the final Olympic team selection camp. We'll practise/play all weekend and each player will get a phone call within the week or so following that camp and find out who made it and who didn't. It goes without saying that I'm nervous but I'm also incredibly fired up.

It's an odd feeling to know that you've worked for 8 years and it all gets condensed in to one weekend. Do well, you're in. Do poorly, see ya next time. To be honest. I don't like the system that we have in place for selecting the team. It's my feeling that players should be evaluated on their performance all year. That is not the case for us. You are evaluated on your performance at this camp, and that's it. Last year that worked in my favour. I don't believe going in to this thing last year that I was being looked at seriously and that Bruno from Quebec was the guy they were really keying on. He had a bad tournament and I had a great one and from that, I got his spot. Obviously, I was thrilled to be named and to get the opportunity last year but at the same time you're kinda left with a feeling of "well was that really fair?" It will happen in sport that an athlete will have an off game/tournament where they just don't have it. That's not a fair representation of their skills. Bruno had an outstanding season last year leading up to this and had one bad weekend and ended up losing his spot. Those are the rules and everyone knew it going in but you still can't help but feel bad. Now I find myself worrying about the same thing. I've had a good season, better than Bruno. But I could be that guy this year who just has an off weekend. It's something pretty daunting to think about.

But, can't worry about that. As I said I'm fired up and ready to give this a hard push. I'm going in with a few minor nagging injuries. Things that are just more annoying than painful really but I don't see them providing much of a problem on the weekend. My back's kinda beat up and my knee is pretty tender but once you get in to the games I find those things seem to leave your mind and you just focus on what you're doing. I'm sure that will be the case here. I'm looking forward to this. Though, the week of waiting for the call afterwards is something difficult.

By the way, yesterday we did an above average amount of hits. Just goes to show you that you're never too old to enjoy the word penis.

Be back later.

Am I Missing Something?

If you haven't heard the song "Rotten World Blues" by The Eels, check it out, it's a pretty cool song, and listening to it might help you make sense of the questions I'm about to ask here.

There's a line in that song that keeps coming up and it confuses me. It's really annoying because it's the chorus so I have to hear it over and over again. It goes like this.

This rotten world's gonna chew you up
Swallow you whole, and then spit you back out
The sooner you recognize this simple fact
Then this rotten world gives you what you lack

I'm pretty sure that some of you probably know where I'm going with this. How can you be chewed up and yet still swallowed whole? And when you're spit back out, which form would you take, the chewed up or the swallowed whole?

Is it creative or poor songwriting, am I missing a reference to something somewhere, or do I just have way too much time on my hands since I've got time to sit here and think about things like this? If anybody has any ideas on this one I'd love to hear them.

You Can't Keep A Good Game Down

Ok, people keep on submitting these so I'm going to keep on posting the good ones.

But first, a little reminder of how the game works. Grab a CD, any CD at all. List all the tracks from that CD but replace the last word of every song with the word penis. If the song only has a 1 word title, keep that word but add the word penis. For the not so smart among us that would mean that you now have a 2 word title.

Ok, here we go. First one comes from the comment board.

Barenaked Ladies greatest hits:
The old penis
Falling for the first penis
Brian Penis
One penis
Be my Yoko Penis
Alternative penis
Its only penis
If I had a million penis'
Call and penis
Get in penis
Its all been penis
Jane penis
Lovers in a dangerous penis
Pinch penis
shoe penis
What a good penis
Too little too penis
Enid penis
Thanks that was penis
a different anonymous 04.27.04 - 4:58 pm

And while we're talking Barenaked Ladies, our good friend Carin emailed me this one.

Barenaked Ladies, Everything to Everyone.

1. Celebrity Penis

2. Maybe Penis

3. Another Penis

4. Next Penis

5. For Penis

6. Shopping Penis

7. Testing 1,2,Penis

8. Upside Penis

9. War On Penis

10. Aluminium Penis

11. Unfinished Penis

12. Second Penis

13. Take It Penis

14. Have You Seen My Penis??

15. Another Postcard - (acoustic Penis)

16. Maybe Katie - (acoustic Penis)

17. Second Best - (acoustic Penis)

And here's one more from Carin to round this out nicely.

Sarah McLachlan, Mirrorball

1. Building A Penis

2. Hold Penis

3. Good Penis

4. I Will Remember Penis

5. Adia Penis

6. I Love Penis

7. Do What You Have To Penis

8. Path Of Penis

9. Fear Penis

10. Possession Penis

11. Sweet Penis

12. Ice Penis

13. Fumbling Towards Penis

14. Angel Penis

You can feel free to keep sending these in, either by email or by posting them on the comment boards. Have fun with it, not that that will be too hard since after all, how can you not have fun with a penis?

And We Look Like Bigger Idiots Than Usual

I noticed something a little while ago when I was reading some of the archived stuff on the site. It seems that anything on the comment boards gets deleted after about a month or so.

This kind of sucks for 3 reasons. First of all, losing some of the truly classic stuff that's been posted there over time is just a damn shame. Second, when you look back over the old stuff it seems like nobody visits this site because nobody's commented on anything and that we're just making up all of the comments and feedback to make it look like we've got fans. But third and most important, certain bits lose a lot without the comments tacked on for good measure at the end. Oh well, what do you want for free?

I guess the morral of the story here boys and girls is that if you make a comment that you're particularly proud of, save it, or write one of us a nice ass kissing email begging us to somehow work it into something that could be posted on the main page where it will be saved for all eternity for everyone to see.

Now It's My Turn: The Penis Game Continues

Ok, Matt's had his fun with this, so now it's my turn to take an, um, shot at it so to speak. Let's go with the 2 most recent CD's I picked up.

First we have "Cool To Be You" by the Descendents. Really good album soon to be reviewed for Salty Ham, and it works out to be pretty good for our purposes here too.

1. Talking Penis

2. Nothing With Penis

3. She Don't Penis

4. 'Merican Penis

5. Dog And Pony Penis

6. Blast Penis

7. Dreams Penis

8. Cool To Be Penis

9. Maddie Penis

10. Mass Penis

11. One More Penis

12. Tack Penis

13. Anchor Penis

14. Dry Penis

Ok, let's move on to Hot Hot Heat's Make Up The Breakdown. Some good ones here too.

1. Naked In The City Penis

2. No, Not Penis

3. Get In Or Get Penis

4. Bandages Penis

5. Oh, Penis

6. Aveda Penis

7. This Penis

8. Talk To Me, Dance With Penis

9. Save Us Penis

10. In Penis

Ok kids, now it's officially your turn.

The Penis Game

So I'm back with something that I saw a while back on Karine's blog and thought that I would steel from her. I meant to do it a while back but it's better now since it gives me something to post on a day like today. So let's all thank Karine by going and visiting her blog. She talks about her dreams.... very... interesting)

Now this is very immature and juvenile but... well look around. You shouldn't expect anything different from us. All you do is grab a CD from around you. Any album, it doesn't matter. Change the last word in every song title to "Penis." If the title is only one word long than keep that word and add Penis to the end. I'll post 2 albums here for you in case you suffer from whatever it is that Nick has and don't understand yet. Plus, I just find it fun.

Anti-Flag: Their System Doesn't Work For You

1. I Can't Stand Being With Penis
2. Their System Doesn't Work For Penis
3. We've Got His Penis
4. Born To Penis
5. The Penis
6. You'll Scream Penis
7. Indie Sux, Hardline Sux, Emo Sux, YOU PENIS!
8. Anti-Penis
9. 20 Years Of Penis
10. I'm Having A Good Penis
11. I Don't Want To Be Like Penis
12. Too Penis
13. I Don't Need Penis
14. Betty Sue Is Penis
15. If Not For Penis
16. Meet Your Penis
17. We Won't Take Penis
18. Save Penis
19. I'm Feeling Slightly Penis

The Distillers: Coral Fang
1. Drain The Penis
2. Dismantle Penis
3. Die On A Penis
4. The Gallow Is Penis
5. Coral Penis
6. The Penis
7. Hall of Penis'
8. Beat Your Heart Penis
9. Love Is Penis
10. For Tonight You're Only Here To Penis
11. Death Penis

There you have it. Immaturity at it's greatest. It's not quite as great as the penis game you play in college classes but it's not bad. So comment away with your own Penis albums

Just Some Chit-Chat

Hello, All.
I haven't posted here in a while and I"ll be truthful with you. I've just had nothing of any relevence to say about anything. I still don't but I have nothing better to do so I figured I'd hop on and just write whatever comes to mind. Sometimes this random crap is what sparks the most interest on the comment boards. So we'll see what comes up.

I sat down to watch the Colorado/San Jose hockey game last night and I couldn't help but think "man I'm glad I didn't write a predictions column for this round." That was intentional. When I looked at the matchups for this round it would have all been guessing. The only one I could pick was Detroit to beat Calgary and so far Calgary is hanging tough. (though with the injuries to their blue-line they may not for much longer) There was no satisfaction in picking winners for me as it would have been strait guessing. So if I'd been wrong I would have just got the "wow you don't know anything." and if I had been right I would have just felt like I made a lucky guess. So I didn't do it. But wow have these games been good. Montreal has been beaten badly in their first two games but I don't count them out yet. I do count out Colorado.

That's tough for me. Colorado and Toronto are my teams. I'm torn on how to feel. I love the Avs' but they've got a high-priced line-up that is not getting the job done. I usually like to cheer for the low-budget, no superstar teams which is certainly San Jose. They're all young guys, or character guys that are outworking Colorado at every turn. They're up 3-0 now (which I did not see coming) and Colorado will NOT beat this team 4 strait times. All that's left is to see if Colorado can make it interesting.

I'm not gonna touch on Toronto much. They're down 2-0 but have been in both games. We'll see what happens but they're in pretty tough now.

On to something else. I discovered a new guilty little pleasure for myself this weekend. Much Music ran on the weekend (and may have before, I'm not sure.) a show called Battle of the Ex's. Now usually I think these shows are stupid and try to stay away from them but for some reason I found myself watching it. They would pick a couple and then run down all the things that each person had done since the break up, good and bad, and award points for it. It's such a shallow thing to do and was really kind of lame but I found it fun. Some of them were very lopsided and it was neat to watch Britney look like a fool. Sure I hate Justin Timberlake but as his career continues to sky-rocket after they break up, hers goes in the shitter for a while. She's started to pull herself out lately but the show didn't acknowledge that which was fine with me. I believe Britney lost that battle 45 to -15. It was kind of a lame idea probably targeted to get the pop-loving teen girls to watch but like I said. It was a guilty little pleasure for me. I know everyone's got them. Any show where I get a chance to see someone I don't like get humiliated is probably gonna be alright with me.

I didn't get to see RAW last night. In Canada RAW is carried on TSN and it was bumped while TSN carried the hockey game. It did come on at midnight but I was far too tired to stay up 'till 2am for it. They're replaying it at 8pm tonight but I'm sure by then I will have heard what happened and not end up watching as there are 2 very good hockey games on CBC tonight. It makes me wonder. We do get Spike TV up here and I can understand why in Canada RAW doesn't show up on Spike and we have to watch it on TSN while Spike runs StarTrek re-runs or something. But on a night like this where TSN won't show RAW live, why not permit Spike to do so? I know TSN would argue it would hurt their ratings later but still. I mean I still would have watched the hockey game as it was a big one but I could have started flipping around on commercials to see what was going on. And I've already talked to 3 people today who were fit to be tied since they hate hockey and had to miss one of their favourite shows became 2 teams in a different country in a different time zone were playing. It's a sore spot around here for non-hockey fans when the Leaf games during the regular season pre-empt RAW but they don't even bother trying to fight it since the Leafs are everything around here. But these guys were quite pissed that a game on the other side of the country was effecting what they watched. Especially on our satellite dish where there are 2 TSN stations so that there can be one for alternate programming. Oh well.

I'm gonna say that's enough for right now since my mind's a blank but I'll probably be back later as it just seems to be one of those days

That's A Great Idea

Prison Employs Inmates As Guards
-----------------------------------------------------------------

A short-staffed prison in Mexico has hired 42 of its most
fearsome inmates to act as guards.

The convicts-turned-wardens will each be paid between £20 and
£100 a month.

They will help the real guards keep control in the overcrowded
prison at Tepic.

According to Mexican newspaper Reforma, the prisoners chosen
were those who instilled the most fear in their fellow inmates.

Bush vs Bush

This
video is really funny.

It was done by the people at The Daily Show, which is one of the funniest shows on TV.

You'll need Quicktime or Quicktime Alternative to watch it and it might take a little while to download if your connection is slow. Mine isn't and it still took a couple of minutes so be warned. It's worth the wait though.

So Much For That

I'm not sure how many places have this now but where I live and at a bunch of other locations I've been to lately McDonald's will sell you apple slices instead of fries. It's part of their new healthy eating campaign since everybody's all over them for making people fat.

Well I learned something about those apple slices yesterday that I didn't know. Ok, actually 2 things. Number 1 they're brown, at least the ones my buddy had last night were and number 2, they give you caramel sauce to dip them in. Yeah, that's real healthy there guys, nice job. Did somebody actually sit in a meeting at headquarters and come up with that? "Switch the oil for the sugar, they'll never know." It's only a matter of time before they start deep frying the things and we'll be right back where we started.

Most Disgusting Joke Contest

If you haven't already seen it, scroll down the page a couple of posts and read the post called Consider Yourself Warned so you'll know what this is all about.

Somebody calling him or herself Mmm Mmm Good, This is downrigh, [which is one of the strangest names I've ever heard,] submitted this one. It's pretty bad even though I've heard it before so it didn't get me as much as it should have.

And remember, I'm not correcting anybody's spelling for them, this is posted as is.

A new guy at work ask some of his co-workers if there is anything to do around this town. So the go workers take him to the local bar. after an hour of drinking, this girl walks into the bar. the new guy sees her and askes the co-workers who she is. The co-workers say thats Sandpaper Sally. and you do not want to mess with that. The new guy asks why and one of the co-workers says. well everytime u fuck her, it feels like sandpaper.

The new guy doesn't believe them so he goes over to Sally and starts buying her drinks.

Later that night they are back at her place and they start going at it. after a few seconds the new guys is like "wow this really does feel like sandpaper" Sally says "oh im sorry ill be right back."

After being in the bathroom for a couple minutes. shes comes back out and they start going at it again. its feeling great. The new guy asks, "This feels great, did u use some motion lotion?".

Sally says "No, i just picked the scabbs and let the puss run out.

So...

I haven't been around much lately and I'm sure you're all wondering just where I've been. What's that? You aren't? Well too bad, I'm telling you anyway.

I've mostly been spending my time slowly but surely taking over
Salty Ham.
You can find something I've done there pretty much every day, even if you don't know it's me. I'm in Sports, Wrestling and Music now and I'm sure that in time that whole place will be all mine. Watch out Roland, I'm out to take your thankless non-paying job away from you, this is war!

Seriously though, Salty Ham is a great site, there's something for everyone there, go check it out, but not before you read what's here.

I've also been spending some time being insulted by losers who phone me at the radio station to try to get attention. The latest developments on that front are that my show sucks, I'm a fucking hack, and my buddy's a dork. Film at 11.

And then there was yesterday, a day of extreme highs and lows. On the high end, I attended the Cheap Trick/Aerosmith concert last night. On the down side, the concert took place in Hamilton, which has to be one of the smelliest cities I've ever had the misfortune of passing through. Honestly, that town fucking stinks, there's no nice way to say it.

It's not as bad once you're off the main highway on your way in, but it's still bad. It sort of smells like burning rubber and hot metal all the time, and when it crosses with the smell of Kentucky Fried Chicken, it becomes something that I wouldn't wish on even my fiercest of enemies.

And don't get me started on the chicken smell either. At times I was wondering if somebody pinched a loaf in a bucket of KFC and just left it to sit in the street, it's really that bad there.

If anybody from Hamilton is reading this, please tell me how you can live in that town. I guess after awhile you'd probably get used to it, but why would you want to? I mean come on, Toronto smells nicer than your town and when you're not as polluted as Toronto, you need to take a good long look at yourself and maybe consider some sort of clean air initiative.

Wait, there is one city that smells worse than yours, Buffalo New York, Hamilton is untouched, unspoiled and pristine to breathe by comparison to that fucking dump.

So now that I've pissed a bunch of you off by wounding your hometown pride, let's talk Aerosmith.

They put on an absolutely amazing show and as much as it pains me to say this, my favourite concert ever isn't a tie between Big Sugar and Hootie And The Blowfish anymore, Aerosmith just blew me away. I'm not sure if I've ever seen a band that had so much energy before and they seemed genuinely happy to be there playing for us. Add to that that they're an amazing live band and you've got yourself a 5 star concert. There were some songs that I would have liked to hear them do instead of some of what they did but you'll get that with any show you go to so I won't spend any time harping on that. Besides, when a band can get you to enjoy songs that you really don't like, they're doing something right.

Cheap Trick on the other hand was a bit of a disappointment. Strike 1 against them was that they seemed to be having some sort of sound problems that they didn't get straightened out until about the last 4 or 5 songs of their set, which thankfully were some of their best stuff both of the night and in general so it wasn't all bad.

Strike 2 was that they just didn't have any spark and it seemed to me like they were just kind of going through the motions like it was another day at the office. That doesn't work for any band, but when you're Cheap Trick and Aerosmith offers to let you open for them, you'd better damn well play like you still have some sort of a career left to build on. They didn't and while I won't come right out and say that they sucked, I'll say that I expected more out of their show than what it ended up delivering.

Over all though it was a great night of entertainment and well worth the money, other than the $9.50 they were charging for beer, but what are ya gonna do? And we ended up getting 3 for $14.75 because somebody messed up a calculation so again, I won't bitch too much.

I think that's all I've got to say for now. I'll be back with something later, and I promise it won't be almost a week before it happens this time.

Consider Yourself Warned

This is honestly the most disgusting joke I've ever seen, so I had to share. If you're not a fan of sick things, first of all what are you doing here and secondly, I'm telling you right now that you'll want to scroll down and read something else. I'm dead serious, don't say I didn't warn you.

By the way, if anybody thinks they've got one to top this either leave it on the comment board below this post or
email it to me
and I'll possibly post it up here on the main site. This could be fun.

A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat. Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone. Finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I'll move."

"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I'll find another place to sit."

"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it's obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I'll find another place to sit."

"Really, it's NOT you.... Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."

So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?"

"It's that guy behind you... He keeps dipping his nachos in your back!"

Breaking News: Suicide Attempt

The details on this story are still pretty sketchy but I wanted to get it out there to all the hockey fans on our site. Especially those of you who saw last night's game.

Last night following his terrible game, Patrick Lalime was so overwhelmed with dissapointment and shame that he tried to take his own life right here in Toronto. Lalime climbed up on top of a subway bridge and awaited the next train. Reports say that when he heard the train comming he jumped down in front of it. Remarkably, the train managed to squeak through Lalime's legs.

Amazing story.

If There Is A God, He's A Sick Bastard

I've heard it said many times that God has a sense of humour, and if there is in fact a God, I have proof that he does, and that it's twisted as hell.

A man who comes from a place not too far away from where I live was recently out driving his car when every driver's worst nightmare became a reality. He lost control of his vehicle and rolled it several times, ending up far off the side of the road. He came out ok however and even managed to escape the car, for the most part unhurt.

With disaster narrowly averted it was time to plan his next move. He decided to do the only logical thing a person in his situation could do, seek help. So up the hill he climbed, bravely making his way towards the side of the road that had nearly taken his life just moments earlier. Upon his arrival, he was promptly struck and killed by a hit and run driver.

After reading that story, answer this one question for me. Who's more evil, me for laughing at this or whomever is out there pushing the buttons to run the world for randomly doing stuff like that to fuck with people?

Backlash Roundtable

I know I know, it's less than an hour away from show time but still, better late than never. If you want to check out the Salty Ham Staff's predictions for tonight's Backlash PPV, you can do so
here.

Let's see if I can keep up my good luck streak and maybe overtake a few people and take my rightful place at the top of the heap in this little contest.

Reading Material

Go read Matt's review of Trapt's self-titled album, newly posted over at Salty Ham. Doesn't sound like too bad of a record, until the end that is.
Click here to check it out.

And keep an eye out for some more reviews coming hopefully soon. I got my hands on the new one from the Descendents as well as some classic stuff from some other bands I've been meaning to get around to putting up. I'll keep you posted, or better yet, just go to Salty Ham every day and look for them. There's something new posted on that site every day somewhere, and they've got message boards too so check the place out and have fun, there's something for everyone there.

Hunger

I am SO hungry right now...

In Honour of the Leafs/Sens Tonight

Four hockey fans are on a mountain climbing trip together. They are all heavily devoted to four different teams and all claim to love their respective team more than the other men love theirs.

As they climb higher and higher, the arguement gets more and more heated. Upon reaching the summet of the mountain it is at a boiling point.

The man from Vancouver goes running towards the edge of the cliff and leaps off screaming "This is for the Vancouver Canucks!!!"

Not to be outdone, the man from Calgary goes charging towards the edge and leaps off screaming "This is for the Calgary Flames!!!"

Upon seeing this, the man from Toronto walks over to the cliff, yells "This is for the Toronto Maple Leafs and pushes the Ottawa climber off the cliff.

Much love to Satan for the joke.

Anything For A Buck

Osama bin Laden Haircut Results in Lawsuit
-----------------------------------------------------------------

HONG KONG, China - A woman hoping for Julia Roberts hair entered
a salon in Hong Kong and came out looking like Osama bin Laden.
At least that is what she claimed. In an attempt to sue the salon
for compensation, Chu Ieu said in court that not only did she not
end up with hair like Roberts, but "It was like a broom. It was
horrible. I looked like Osama bin Laden." Adjudicator Yuen
Chun-kau dismissed the case. He told the woman, "You've only
shown the court that the hairstyle did not look good."

Exasperated, Ieu claimed the judge's indifference was because he
was bald. She refused to leave the courtroom and had to be taken
away by ambulance after an hour-long standoff.

Oh God! I'm Hooked!

So it seems I have a new favourite website. I've been wasting entirely too much time over the last few days at www.funtrivia.com. This is not good. I can't recall where I saw this but I believe it was over at Karine's blog where she mentioned it so I thought I'd go check it out and holey hell, I'm hooked.

I think I started ranked at like 400,000th or something like that and I'm already up to 230,000th. Sure I'm still along way back but I've made some serious hay already.

So if it was in fact Karine that I got it from, I don't know if I should thank her or be mad at her cuz I can't stay away from this site. It's just trivia on everything. Music, sports, movies, people, history, art... whatever you want. I've just been setting it to random and seeing where it takes me and I've discovered I know nothing about the TV show Happy Days. I got 1 - 10 on that quiz and they were all guesses. Anyway. go check it out. I'm sure I'll throw it up on the links board when I get a few minutes.

Who Wants To Help Me Kill A Cute Little Bunny?

For Easter my girlfriend got me one of those big chocolate Easter Bunnies that you see everywhere leading up to the holiday. (and that can be purchased for 35 cents the day after Easter's over) It was a lovely gesture and I am a fan of the abundance of candy that is readily available at this time of year... but this particular bunny packs a bit of a punch.

HE'S ONE RIPPED RABBIT!

This bunny is rock hard. It's hard to the point where it is difficult to go about eating it. It's like a chore just to have a piece of this great chocolate. Oh sure, at first everything is great and easy to eat just to get you hooked. I mean you can break off the ears easily enough and eat them and the head is pretty thin so with a bit more effort you can snap that off and enjoy how great this is.

Now they've got you. You want more. You NEED more of this particular chocolate animal. It now owns you. But you are now at the body of the rabbit and it is thick, and it is hard and it is UNBREAKABLE.

You can try biting a piece off. This was my first attempt. I clamped down on it with the left side of my jaw and immediately felt pain in the right side to the point where it hurt to close my mouth for a few moments. It was obvious that this was going to take a less direct method. This was going to take some thought, this was going to take some cunning and possibly even some scientific know-how. That's when I had a brilliant idea...

SMASH IT AS HARD AS I CAN AGAINST MY DESK!!!

What? Not scientific and brilliant enough? What can I say, I'm a guy who gets frustrated easily.

BUT! This bunny stood up to the tremendous impact and did not even dent. This was a crushing blow for me. I set the bunny down on the desk feeling defeated. I stared down at where the head used to be and could picture the eyes staring back at me mockingly. I could just imagine the mouth laughing away screaming in a high pitch frightening voice "NOT TODAY, FRIEND!!!"

I sat for many minutes not knowing what to do. This piece of delicious chocolate was defeating me in a war of survival. I was at a loss. I felt shame. Where could I turn?

I thought that maybe the most obvious answer was the one I was ignoring. I walked in to the kitchen and grabbed a knife confident that when I returned the mocking laughter and the cold stare of a missing rabbit head would be gone and replaced with a change in momentum and he WOULD FEEL MY WRATH!

I approached the tastey animal slowly, almost menacingly brandishing a knife in my right hand with an evil smerk on my face. I sat down slowly and pressed the knife to a portion of the rodent's body. Then more pressure... and then a bit more... and then I stood up for more pressure as there was no effect on the rabbit and before I knew it I was hacking and chopping wildly at this cute piece of candy just looking for a weakness. My rage was increasing as I could imagine his evil laughter again. I continued looking for a chip in his armour.... There was none.

So here I sit with a delicious piece of chocolate in front of me and no way of enjoying it. I have been defeated by a candy animal. I come to you, the Vomiteers, hoping that someone, anyone, will know how I can have my revenge and devour this evil creature before he is able to devour my entire being with his taunting nature. Please. I beg of you. Help me.

I'll be sure to thank my girlfriend for this gift. It has brought me so much joy. It's the thought that counts... Bull! Sometimes I wonder if this is some kinda of conspiracey between this evil creature and my girlfriend. They're plotting against me to get me out of the way so they can be together and live happy headless lives with each other. Well, I won't let that happen. I WON'T!

I think this thing is starting to make me crazy...

Canadian Confidence Cannot Be Shaken

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang...

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin' to tells ya dat weare officially declaring war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, thewar is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry' farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to
ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We upan' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'erewar."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

That'll Show Them

In an effort to stop the erosion of moral standards in the country, Zanzibar's parliament has unanimously passed a bill that would ban homosexuality. Violators of the new law, which is expected to get presidential assent in the very near future, would be slapped with jail terms that could be as long as 25 years.

Let me see if I've got this straight. Being gay in Zanzibar is illegal. If you're caught being gay in Zanzibar, they throw you in jail, for a long time, probably with a cell mate. Yeah, that'll show them fags a thing or 2 because if there's one place that won't stand for gay sex, it's prison.

Busted

Hey Matt, are you sure all you did out west a while back was play goalball?

14 Apr, Wed, 20:11:34
Yahoo:
saskatoon gay chat room meeting

Celebrating The Unintentionally Funny

I just stopped over to
Salty Ham
to see what was new and I noticed one of the funniest coincidences that I've seen in quite some time.

On the main page under the recent columns heading, look at the first 2 items. In case they're gone by the time you get to this which is possible especially if you're not seeing this right after I post it, I'll explain.

Over at The Ham we now have a guy who writes a column on religion for the life section. He posted his first column yesterday, you should check it out if you're so inclined, make him feel welcomed.

So today I went back to see if there was anything new to read and right above the work of our new religious friend is a column called The Top 10 Do's and Don'ts Of Porn. Just try to tell me that's not even the least bit humourous, just try.

Disgusting, Just Disgusting

Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."

"Bad news first, Marilyn."

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."

"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

Not That This Happens To Any Of You Or Anything

The Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Spouse Is Bored With Sex

10> The guys at the gym inform you that someone made out a grocery list on your back.

9> She keeps complaining that the kids will interrupt you, even though they're both over 30 and live more than 500 miles away.

8> You spend all day making a romantic dinner hoping for some intimacy, and when she comes home and sees it, the ONLY thing she says is, "Leftovers tomorrow?"

7> She stares at the ceiling? A little bored. She watches TV? Bored. She pops zits on your back? Extremely bored!

6> The only things HE thinks about doing in the shower anymore is turning up the hot water so the farts smell worse.

5> She says she needs something to help her sleep. Then she puts away the Sominex, hands you a condom, and says "Go to it!"

4> Not only does she decline sex with me, she actually looks forward to bland domestic chores like greeting the milkman and the mailman.

3> Not only is he watching the game during sex, he's also online managing his fantasy team.

2> Insists on keeping the chat window open and the keyboard really close, "just in case."

and the Number 1 Way to Tell Your Spouse Is Bored With Sex...

1> Instead of making the minimal effort to fake an orgasm, she plays a tape recording of a fake orgasm.

TopFive.com

This Country Makes Me Sick

That title may seem a bit harsh and I'm not sure I actually believe it but you're reading this so it got your attention. In all honesty, I don't think this country makes me sick. The people are great, we're free-er than most countries.... but our judiciary system JUST BLOWS!!!

In Ottawa this week a woman was arrested under charges of child abuse. She was a foster parent and had a few children put under her care. Apparently our adoption agencies also need some work. Check this out.

The woman used to place one young girl in the DRYER for WEEKS at a time. The young girl would have to eat, sleep, urinate and defocate in the dryer. There were times where she was left in there for so long that she would have problems walking when she was finally let out.

The woman was also responsible for bashing a young boys head against the wall on more than one occasion along with abusing him in other ways. Clearly this bitch is one sick human being.

Let me tell you what our wonderful legal system saw fit to give the woman in terms of jail time. FOUR MONTHS!!! We're all told to have faith in a legal system that determines storing your children in household appliances and beating up others is only worth four months of jail time?!?! Fuck that! She deserves to be in there for the rest of her life.

And if you didn't believe that it could get worse than that... just hold on. The woman was RELEASED from custody only HOURS after being put away. HOURS!?!? What the hell is that?!? The purpose of our legal system is to ensure that everyone's rites and freedoms are upheld and those who don't respect those rites are taken out of society. Are you gonna try and tell me that these poor children's rites were not violated?

These kids had already been taken away from their biological parents for one reason or another. We can only assume that it was not a proper environment for children but they are promised that they are going to be "taken care of" and be put in a "safer" situation and this is what those poor kids had to go through.

It infuriates me to think that this scum bag was only given four months but our system can't even keep her in there for the entire sentence? This isn't supposed to be one of those "down with the system" or "anarchy rules" things that you see because there would be chaos without it. But how can you throw a guy in jail for years for drug use and let some bitch out after a few hours after she beat the shit out of her kids? It makes me so mad I can't even think strait enough to figure out how I want to end this. That's not supposed to be a joke. This pisses me off more than anything I've heard in a long time. The judge overseeing this case needs to be punched in the head and thrown out of his position and our legal system needs to have a serious overhaul and review of what's worse in the eyes of the public. Maybe it's good that she got let out. If the public gets wind of who this psycho is they'll make sure she gets what she deserves one way or another.

Although the person that does that will get locked up for 10 years. That's Justice isn't it?

Anyway. I'm out for the long weekend. Hope y'all have a pleasant Easter.

It Just Never Ends: The Continuing Parade Of Dumb Commercials

I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but I noticed a few days ago that Honda has started using the song "I Melt With You" by Modern English in their commercials.

Let's forget all about the fact that this song has nothing to do with cars because that's not even the problem. The problem with using this song in car commercials is a lyrical one.

"I'll stop the world and melt with you."

Now I'm not sure about you, but if the world is stopping and I'm melting with my car, I'm thinking this is bad and that perhaps somebody might want to call an ambulance, and make it snappy.

Hearing that song in those commercials doesn't make me think of buying a Honda, it makes me think of firey automobile accidents, and somehow I don't think that's the reaction they were looking for.

Think people, think, that's all I ask.

Fake Meat?

This was emailed to me and I decided to post it. I didn't write it, it was sent in by a reader. If anybody else feels like sending me stuff, my email address is all over this site, you're smart, go find it.

I heard today that some idiot is making fake meat out of that tofu junk. But wait, this isn't just your ordinary fake meat, it is supposed to taste like
meat.
First things first, how are they going to make soy beans taste like meat? Think of all the crap that will have to be mixed in to that already sickening
concoction, then, and second, who in their right mind will buy it?
Imagine coming home from work to something like this.
"What's for supper tonight?"
"Oh, we're having something I picked up at Tofu's Are Us, it's supposed to taste like pork."
Glad I never have to try that stuff, that is until it is illegal to kill animals because it violates their rights somehow.

Just When You Thought They Were Gone...

07 Apr, Wed, 17:11:08
Yahoo:
nude wrestlers on wrestlemania

At least it's not Randy Orton's penis, but still...

Playoff Predictions

I just finished typing up another column for Salty Sports talking about the first round of the NHL Playoffs that start tonight. Hopefully it will be posted this afternoon. Go check it out.

Ontario Wins, Alberta Chokes, Albino Pukes

Well things went well in Saskatoon. We had some ups and downs but we made the finals and beat Alberta 3-2 in overtime. It was a great game. The crowd was solidly behind Alberta since we were in Western Canada and.... well people just don't like our team. So when Dean scored the winner in overtime there was very little cheering. It was more of a collective "awwww". That was actually way better than a big cheer. When they announced us as the winers at the banquit later, our hole team let out an "awwwww not again". I wonder why they don't like us....

So that's 8 strait Canadian Championships. Next year the event is being held in Halifax. It's always fun to go out east so we're looking foward to going out there.

Oops, Wrong House

If you think you're having a rough day, take a look at
this poor bastard's story.

It's a touching story of boy meets girl in a rape fantasy chat room, boy and girl arange a meeting, boy breaks into wrong house and tries to fantasy rape wrong woman who retaliates by hoofing him in the bag before our hero discovers that he's in the wrong house.

Now boy is pulling some strings with the court system to get himself out of some rape charges. He had to admit to burglary to do it and could still face a year in prison for his mistake. Suddenly that wrong turn you took on the way to the bar on Saturday night doesn't piss you off so much now does it?

Word Of Warning

If any of you are thinking about signing up for that really cool sounding new free email service that Google is offering, you might want to read
this
before you go pickingout the perfect address and telling all your friends to start sending all their porn and jokes there.

Just to sum things up really quickly for those who are short on time, Google is keeping your mail on file forever. After you delete it, even after you close the account, Google will have all of your email stored on it's servers for as long as they want it. And through the use of cookies, they can link your email and your search requests together to make themselves a nice little profile on you.

Add to this that to pay for the free service, [which sounds really good on the surface before you check into it a little,] that Google will scan your mail for key words and phrases so that they can target and display relevant ads, you've got yourself what pretty much adds up to a privacy nightmare.

So unless you really need an entire gig of email space, you might want to stick with that Hotmail or Yahoo address you have, which now suddenly doesn't seem so bad after all.

Did You Know...

It's a proven fact that 50 percent of gay men were born that way. As for the other 50 percent, they were sucked into it.

The Fetishists Are Back

These things are showing up fast and furious now. I don't even wanna take a stab at what this guy was trying to find.

31 Mar, Wed, 21:52:28
Google:
maple leaf fan pissing canadians fans

Birthday Love

On behalf of VC I'd like to wish one of our regulars, a different anonymous, a Happy Birthday. May you not get any uglier in the next year.