My Poor dog, Getting all the Blame

I feel like I'm repeating myself, but whatever. I guess repetition is good.

Let me try and explain something once and for all. When I'm standing at the corner getting ready to cross the street, my dog does not decide when it's safe to go. I do. If I say go and she sees cars coming that would for sure hit us, she can refuse to move. But if nothing's in front of us and I say go, she's going to go. She does not interpret street lights. Most dogs are colour-blind.

I'm saying this because of something someone said to me the other day. I was standing at an intersection where the traffic is kinda hard to hear. It also has an advanced green. I heard the advanced green start and counted to five, which is usually a safe bet for hitting the green for me. I told her to go. We started off, and a dude blew through in front of us. Trix slowed down enough so we wouldn't be road meat and then we kept going. When I got to the other side, a guy ran over to me and said "Your dog was wrong. She went on the advanced green." I explained to him that in fact I was the one who was wrong, I decide when we cross, but thanks for letting me know. I heard no more out of him. I don't know whether he was still there, or he'd felt he'd done his part to impart his wisdom and had run off before waiting for a response. People like to do that.

It's always extremes with people. I've talked about this before in the context of corrections, but I also see it in terms of guiding. People think one of two things. The first seems to be she does absolutely nothing for me. For example, they'll say "You won't be able to get through there, there's too many obstacles and constructi...ok. she just got you through it!" or they think I have to take an arm. Unless she's being a tool, she'll follow you. Swing the other way, and I meet people who think I'm just hanging onto the handle and the dog is taking me with no input from me whatsoever. No, that's why we're a *team*. I decide where we're going, she gets me around obstacles, warns me of stairs and makes sure I don't get crushed by cars. So, if she took me crookedly across the street, that would be a dog-related screw-up. If she slammed me into a pole or stopped to sniff it, that would be a dog-related screw-up. Deciding when to go is not a dog-related screw-up.

This is going to sound strange, but I think I'll jump for joy if I meet someone who says "You went at the wrong time" instead of "Your dog screwed up." that will mean I'm talking to someone who knows how the guide dog thing works.

Have Fun Explaining To The Kids Why All Of Their Presents Have The Blood From Your Hands On Them

A while back when I mentionedhow dumb I think Black Friday is,things like this were exactly what I had in mind.

A Wal-Mart worker was killed Friday when "out-of-control" shoppers desperate for bargains broke down the doors at a 5 a.m. sale. Other workers were trampled as they tried to rescue the man, and customers shouted angrily and kept shopping when store officials said they were closing because of the death, police and witnesses said.

At least four other people, including a woman who was eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island closed for several hours before reopening.

Shoppers stepped over the man on the ground and streamed into the store. When told to leave, they complained that they had been in line since Thursday morning.

Nassau County police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the store doors at the mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the man, identified by police as Jdimytai Damour of Queens, to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.

"This crowd was out of control," said Nassau police spokesman Lt. Michael Fleming. He described the scene as "utter chaos," and said the store didn't have enough security.

Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help Damour were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said.

I'd like to think I'm stating the obvious when I say that none of these people are on a level even close to human beings. This is just disgusting.

A Question And a Big Thank You, Mr. Postman.

Here's another episode of postal what the hell? today I got parcel cards. They told me where I was supposed to go to get these parcels. So off I went. I arrive at 1:30 or so, and the person looks at me, all sad. "You're parcels aren't here yet." she says. "the delivery driver doesn't bring them until 5!

then why does the mail carrier drop off parcel cards saying "Come pick up your parcel." if it's not there yet?

I was some pissed by this, since I just walked all the way there in the damn snow. Let's do a quick check of maps to see how far it was. According to MapQuest, I walked 1.62 miles in the damn snow. they felt all sad about this, and later, they called me and delivered the parcels to the door! How cool is that? I now love my new parcel pickup zone.

But that still begs the question. why drop off parcel cards for parcels that can't be picked up yet? Is it just that they're banking on people being at work all day and not seeing the cards until later? It's weird, that's for sure.

Mr. Dummy, Meet A Bunch Of Cops Who Feel Like Dummies.

This would have been really embarrassing. An alarm went off at a bank, so cops showed up. They saw what looked like a figure standing inside. The blinds were drawn so it was hard to see. They started yelling at the figure through bullhorns, then tried to phone inside. they sealed off the area and evacuated a bunch of people from nearby apartments. When they could get no response, they forced their way in and addressed...a full-sized cardboard figure! this was after 90 minutes of evacuating, talking, yelling and sealing off the area.

What I can't figure out is whether the real robbers actually took anything. That wasn't mentioned. It was a slick plan, that's for sure, and I'm sure some cops are very pissed off right now.

I Wish I Was Third Ear Deaf

A hearty congratulations goes out to the grade 7 kid with ADD who wrotethis songand sold it to Third Eye Blind.

Please, somebody, explain to me what the hell is going on lyrically here. We're going from KFC to breakfast to Iraq to punk bands to implants and terror alerts to...I'm not even sure anymore. And check out the part in the middle where they just completely lose track of everything. If you can't figure out where that is, here's a hint: gay Republicaaaaaaaaaaaaaans!

I'm all for making political statements through song, but it'd be nice if you didn't try to cram every one you've ever had into the same one, fellas. I know you've been out of the spotlight for a while and theoretically have a lot to say, but Jimminy Christmas, let's slow it down a tad, ok?

On the plus side, I give them points for the real vs. artificial non dairy creamer metaphor that the song is built on. It had me howling with laughter. What? it's not supposed to be funny? Uh-oh...well...hmmm...this isn't going well at all. Why do I imagine my last sentence also being spoken by the people that recorded this?

After some more of whatever the hell this is culminating with the repeated singing of mission accomplished, the song ends with about a minute of pointless playing that leads pretty well nowhere, which when you stop and think about it, makes perfect sense.

I hope this is an unfinished version of the song, and that they plan on fixing it up at some point. and by fixing it up, I mean deciding not to release it to radio. Listening to it once or twice was funny, but you know how radio is about these things. For the sake of everybody, we can't let that happen.

Stop the Bus!

Remember how I said I was going to write a letter to the editor thanking the bus folk for calling out stops? Now I wish I'd never sent it because by the time it ran, I'd found that more often than not, stops aren't called.

Here's what I said:

Dear Editor - I want to express my thanks that finally, the long-awaited calling of bus stops is happening.

I am blind, so in the past in order to get off at the right spot, I had to figure out approximately how long it took to reach a given bus stop. Because this was an approximation, I would always ask the driver to let me know when we reached it.

Most times, this worked out fine. But sometimes, for whatever reason, a driver would forget.

I would have no clue until it was too late, and there I'd be.

Drivers always did the best they could to set things right. But now they won't have to, because all stops are being called, and I can pull my own bell just like everybody else.

I did that for the first time last week, and although it may not seem like much to most people, it was pretty neat to know I was getting off exactly where I should be, without any guessing.

To all the bus drivers, thank you for calling out stops.

I know it's probably a bit annoying for you, but you're making everyone with a visual impairment very, very happy.

This will make bus travel so much easier for us, and I can't express my appreciation enough.

I've been keeping track, and out of the 13 buses I've taken this week, only 3 called out stops, and 2 were driven by the same dude and a third had another employee on board. Hmmm.

Every time I'd get off the bus, I'd ask a non-calling driver why they weren't calling out stops. Finally, one had the balls to actually speak up and explain why this was happening, instead of just mumbling, or acting as if they were deaf.

Oh yeah, seemingly deaf bus driver that pulled his bus into the middle of the road, it would have been nice to tell me that I was about to step off into something that wasn't sidewalk. Thank ya, thank ya very much.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. The guy who finally answered me with at least a reason for this said that most drivers find it a safety concern to read the card and drive.

this is puzzling to me, for two reasons. Of course it would be dangerous to read the card and drive if your eyes are glued to the card. So why not, when you're dropping someone off at a stop or picking someone up, read a few stops and memorize them. You already know the route by heart even if you don't know the names of the streets you stop at. It wouldn't take long before you wouldn't need the card, I would think.

And if it's so difficult to drive and do other things, then why do I see lots of bus drivers monkeying with their fare-boxes, their displayed sign, having long and involved conversations with passengers, all manner of things. I'm sure, with a little work, they could master this. They just don't want to. Hel, I watched a bus driver who*was* calling stops discussing at length how this stop-calling was sooo distracting. If it's so distracting, don't take on another task, lady!

I don't know what to think, since I've never driven a bus, or a car for that matter. But I'd think there could be ways of adapting if there was the will. And there just isn't. I've already called the supervisor. In fact, I called her Tuesday from a bus that wasn't calling stops. I'm still waiting for a call back. She's been cool before, so I have faith that I'll at least hear news of some variety.

Hopefully my letter to the editor, even though it doesn't accurately express how I feel about how this is going, explains to bus drivers that some people do appreciate it and this yelling out bus stops isn't just some new stupid regulation.

Please, Mr. Postman

Here's a note to the nice folks delivering the tons of mail right now. I know you're busy. I know you're on a deadline. But when you decide to leave a parcel in the lobby for me to pick up, and you say you're going to leave it on the bench, leave it on the bench. If you're going to leave it by the door, please, for the love of Pete, say you're leaving it by the door! Don't tell me you'll leave it on the bench and then change your mind. That leaves me groping the bench like an idiot and then thinking somebody stole my parcel. Luckily, somebody came by and saved me from searching every inch of the lobby, but gees! I guess it's my fault because I didn't tell him I was blind and to be precise, but I figured "I'm going to leave it on the bench." was a pretty easy thing to understand. I guess not.

Nope, That Land Mine Wasn't Combat-Related

Oh boy, here we go, with more reasons to call the Pentagon a bunch of pricks. We've talked about their previous bullshit before. Now, thanks to a quiet change in legislation, soldiers can even get blown up in Iraq and if they're not hit by shrapnel or a bullet, their disabilities are not considered combat-related. Why should this surprise me anymore?

I hope the Dog At Least Bit Him But Good First

What kind of sick freak would put a dog in an oven? I'm betting this asshole knew the lady and was doing this as some kind of sick way of scaring her. What a horrible human being.

This...This Offends Me

Here are the results of a poll on the Wrestling Observer/F4W website.

Should Vladimir Kozlov stay in the Smackdown title picture

Yes 28.1%

No 71.9%

This tells us one of four things:
1. 28.1% of people voting did not see the Survivor Series.
2. 28.1% of votes cast were submitted by the family Kozlov.
3. 28.1% of those voting in these polls enjoy their own pain as well as the misery of others.
4. 28.1% of voters are just utter, utter fools.

$40 Well Saved

I just finished watching the Survivor Series, a show that as I wrote over the weekend, Iwasn't at all looking forward to and was not paying for under any circumstances.As the title of this post suggests, I made the right choice.

It wasn't as bad as I feared aside from the beyond terrible HHH vs. Vladimir Kozlov match. I think it only went for about 15 minutes, but it felt like no less than an hour. In the end it paid off with the great Edge return, but I'll never forgive WWE for what I had to sit through waiting for that moment.

Cena and Jericho put on a really enjoyable match. I'm not a fan of Cena winning the title as I thought there was a lot they could do with either Jericho or Batista spoiling his big comeback, but what are ya gonna do? The kids love the guy and sometimes you have to send them home happy. It's just too bad that they made a few people's nights at the expense of long-term thinking. I really need to stop being surprised by that I know.

the rest of the show, to be honest, isn't even worth reviewing. It existed, that's about all I can say. Had I paid for it I think I would have been pretty offended, but being smarter than a few hundred thousand people has its advantages sometimes. If you enjoyed it I'm happy for you, but to me it was a show that they could plug into the 3-hour Raw coming up in a couple of weeks without anybody knowing the difference. As a free Raw special it isn't too bad of a show, but since I tend to hold 40 dollar pay-per-views to a higher standard, it's not worth watching.

My Dreams Are Going to The Dogs Again!

Man! I had a weird dream. I love it when I have a dream this weird because it's worth writing down, even if I hate the dream itself.

I dreamed that I had to retire Trixie. I hate it when I dream things like this. I think I dreamed the same thing around this time last year. It was the one where Chuck told me to take her to the police station. I know I didn't post it until February, but I dreamed it earlier.

Anyway, last night, I dreamed I had to get a new dog, and for some unknown reason I went to The Seeing Eye to get one. In my dream, everything about this place sucked the high hardone. I got there, and no one knew what my phone number would be. Hell, I couldn't even dial to get my messages! They wouldn't give me an orientation, just told me to figure it out, it was all part of showing them I was independent. But then when I found the place to eat, they were asking me things like "Have you ever put food into garbage before?" This must have been because of the books I read, and how a lot of the blinks who went there needed more than just training to get a dog.

Anyway, nobody else seemed to know much about the school, or guide dogs for that matter. It was just then that I realized I didn't have the hundred bucks for them that you have to pay to get your dog. And again, like in all the other dreams, it was then that I couldn't figure out for the llife of me why I was here. Trixie was a stellar guide! Why would I retire her? Why would I be at this place? Why did I choose TheSeeing Eye? Why?

And then I woke up. What's up with me and all my dreams like this? What's it going to be like when I really do have to retire the Trixter years down the road? Am I going to dream that she's brand new?

Can We Put This To A Vote Once We Find A Way To Say We're Stupid And Sorry Without Actually Saying So?

Carleton student council to rethink Shinerama cancellation

I'd prefer repeal, but at least we're getting somewhere. We're probably getting somewhere based on the reaction of the sense making segments of the world rather than student leaders coming to whatever senses they may happen to have to come to, but I'll take what I can get.

Brittany Smyth, president of CUSA, said Wednesday that the motion caused so much confusion that it's probably better to look again at the idea of supporting a rotating series of charities instead of just the Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

"By no means do we want anyone to think that our council or students at Carleton don't support research for cystic fibrosis," Smyth said. "It's definitely a very worthwhile charity and we want to clear up that confusion."

I know that voting on stuff regardless of whether or not it's in anybody's best interests or whether or not anybody actually understands what they're voting on or even whether or not it has any basis in fact whatsoever is well established government procedure, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world has to do it too. If the thing is confusing, fix it and try again! Is this stuff really that hard?

Who Wants To Tell Him He's Doing It Wrong?

Lap dancing 'not sexual act' claims head of club organisation

Lap dancing "is not sexually stimulating", the chairman of the Lap Dancing Association told a parliamentary committee today.

Simon Warr made the claim, which was greeted with scepticism by MPs, while he was giving evidence to the Commons culture committee as part of an inquiry into the operation of the Licensing Act.

The government is under pressure to change the act so that lap dancing clubs have to be licensed as sex encounter establishments.

At the moment, they are licensed in the same way as pubs and clubs, which has led to complaints from councils who believe that they do not have the power to stop clubs being opened in their areas.

In their evidence to committee, Warr and colleagues from the Lap Dancing Association claimed that their clubs should not be classified as sex encounter establishments because they were providing hospitality, not sexual services.

But Warr astonished the committed when he argued that sexual stimulation was not part of the clubs' attraction.

"One of the biggest problems we face is that not enough people understand the business blueprint of our clubs," he said.

"Actually, our premises are not sexually stimulating. It would be contrary to our business plan if they were."

At this point, Philip Davies, the Tory MP for Shipley who was questioning Warr, said he found that hard to believe.

"You are saying that the purpose of a lap dancing club is not to be sexually stimulating? Most people would find that a rather incredible claim," Davies said.

Warr replied: "Then you need to go to a club, because the purpose of a club is to provide entertainment. It's to provide alcohol, it's a place of leisure.

"All right, the entertainment may be in the form of nude or semi-nude performers, but it's not sexually stimulating."

Davies responded with even more astonishment.

"So if I did a straw poll of all the customers who came out a lap dancing club and said 'Did you find that in any way sexually stimulating?' I would find a big resounding fat zero? On that basis you would have a lot of dissatisfied customers."

Warr replied by asking: "How do you measure sexual stimulation. What is the definition of sexual stimulation?"

I'm positive this guy was either a lawyer or Bill Clinton ("It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is.") in a previous life.

Police Navidad

Good idea: Stopping off at headquarters to present the police with a nice Christmas wreath to let them know that you appreciate all the hard work they put in.
Bad idea:unlawfully obtaining said wreath from the market next door.

Robert E. Dendy, 59, 290 Fletcher St., Apt. 3, wanted police to know how grateful he was for all the hard work they do, and presented them with a Christmas wreath as a token of his appreciation.

The authorities lived up to Dendy’s high estimation of their sleuthing skills with some quick thinking and a call to the Tops market just next door to the 200 Niagara St. station, where is appears the man had stolen the decoration before presenting it to the cops.

Dendy was still in the parking lot when he was questioned, then searched by the police, revealing at least 26 other items allegedly taken from a nearby Dollar Tree store.

CF May Only Affect White Guys, But Ignorance Spares No One

If people liketheseare the future leaders of our nations, to put it bluntly, we're all fucked.

The Carleton University Students Association has voted overwhelmingly in favour of no longer taking part in the annual Shinerama fundraiser, an event that raises money for the Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation because, they say, the disease mostly affects white men and is therefore not inclusive enough to support.

I have no clue where they got this idea, and apparently nobody else does either as the source of this breaking news was never stated.

Brittany Smyth, president of the student association, says that she has been trying to get in touch with people at the foundation to let them know that the university isn't making the switch for the wrong reason, though again, there's no mention of what the right reason could possibly be. She went on to say that the white people stuff wasn't the determining factor in the vote, though how else one could interpret the following is beyond me.

Motion to drop Shinerama fundraising campaign from Orientation Week

Whereas Orientation week strives to be inclusive as possible

Whereas all orientees and volunteers should feel like their fundraising efforts will serve their diverse communities

And whereas cystic fibrosis has been recently revealed to only affect white people, and primarily men

Be it further resolved that: The CUSA representatives on the incoming Orientation Supervisory Board work to select a new broad reaching charity for orientation week.

Source: CUSA

I wonder if any of these people, save for the one guy who voted against this garbage, stopped to think about what kind of message they're sending. I'm going to make a pretty safe guess and say no, because it's been my experience that thinking is pretty low on the priority list for a lot of these student union types. But if any of them are interested in what that message is, it can be summed up in 2 simple words. We're racists. Saying that because a disease primarily afflicts only one type of person we're not going to help is pretty damn discriminatory if you ask me. And if you don't agree, perhaps it's time to hit the books, specifically that big one that has all those definitions in it and read up on what the word inclusive actually means. If you truly want to be inclusive, this only white people shit has got to go. Truly being inclusive means that you only see one type of person, the human type. Saying that you're inclusive sends the message that you don't see colours or disabilities, and that no matter what you happen to be, you're no less of a person. Therefore it follows that those white guys are just as deserving of the help of the Indian or the African as the Indian and the African are of the help of the white guys you're forsaking in your quest to appease whatever wingnut political correctness god you happen to be worshipping this week.

In closing, let it be resolved that you get a clue. If you want to support a different charity that's fine, but coming up with bogus and racist reasons for trying to get out of supporting the current one and then denying that those reasons had anything to do with it even though they were important enough to write down are not the right means to that end.

How Did Nobody See That One Coming?

Recently sentenced to 12 years in prison for repeatedly sexually abusing 2 young girls over a 5 year period was David Albert Lemus, known in some circles asTrim-Trim the Clown.

30 Teams in 60 Words

So we're about 1/4 of the way through the NHL season so maybe it's time to take a tour around the league and see what 2 words come to mind for every team in the league at this point. Some are a statement on how the team has preformed, others on how I feel about them - and some just on the general position in the league.

And heeeere we go!

Anaheim Ducks - Below expectations
Atlanta Thrashers - Who cares?
Boston Bruins - Holy shit!
Buffalo Sabres - Too fast
Calgary Flames - Tough team
Carolina Hurricanes - You suck
Chicago Blackhawks - JONOTHAN TOEWES!!!!!
Colorado Avalanche - Get'er goin'! (so i cheated - blow me!)
Columbus Blue Jackets - Relocation, anyone?
Dallas Stars - Fuckin' Avery!
Detroit Red Wings - Likely repeating
Edmonton Oilers - Next year
Florida Panthers - Bankruptcy, anyone?
Los Angeles Kings - AWFUL goaltending.
Minnesota Wild - Try offense
Montreal Canadiens - Eastern Champions
Nashville Predators - GIVE UP!!!
New Jersey Devils - Hangin' tough
New York Islanders - John Tavares
New York Rangers - Great start
Ottawa Senators - Eat shit!
Philadelphia Flyers - Carter's amazing!
Phoenix Coyotes - Winnipeg calling
Pittsburgh Penguins - Where's Sidney??
San Jose Shakrs - Best team
St. Louis Blues - Enjoy Steen..... (hahahaha)
Tampa Bay Lightning - Play Stamkos!!
Toronto Maple Leafs - God's team!
Vancouver Canucks - big surprise
Washington Capitals - Ovechkin dominates

More Cutting Edge Research From The University Of You Dont' Say

And now it's time for another episode of For The Love Of God, Stop Funding This Crap!

A recent study conducted by "researchers" at the University of Wollongong has found thatuniversity students use the labels on alcohol bottles, the ones that are meant to encourage responsible drinking, to figure out what will get them drunkest the fastest and for the least amount of money.

Somebody can straighten me out if I'm wrong, but I believe Wollongong is an old Australian term that literally translates to du-fucking-uh.

Captin Skid Crash Crunch, Part Of This Complete Breakfast

This isn't much of a story, just the vision of a driver crashing into a pole on ice while trying to munch down some cereal and ending up covered in milk and cereal simultaneously makes me laugh and makes me want to kill her! Seriously, eating cereal on a stretch of icy highway? Real smart. I have to hope that you and that cherio-munching bus driver of days gone by never meet.

I'm Jack Bauer, Mother Fucker!

So last night following the Grey Cup I was stoked to get to see the FOX movie presentation of 24: Redemption.

The show was amazing - especially for those of us 24 junkies who are going through serious 24 withdrawal. Season 7 did not air last year as it was supposed due to some greasy writers who needed more money. The nature of the show dictates that a season can not be shortened like many shows were last year so it was decided it would be shelved altogether.

Last night's movie does a beautiful job of showing us what Jack's been up to since we last left him, as well as what's happening back in America and who is now in power. It sets up the beginning of Season 7 quite well, also, as it gets Jack Bauer back to America and in custody which is important because, it's my understanding, that Season 7 opens with Jack facing charges for his previous.... indiscretions, we'll call them. We all know sometimes to save the country you need to mrder several dozen people - but the government isn't buying it, I guess.

Anyway, it was a great way to get the show back in to the minds of viewers after a year off and leave them craving the start of the season. I definitely could have used some Chloe and the rest of the CTU gang - but we'll get them soon enough.

Survivor Series Post-dictions!

Hey Kids;
Gee. So sorry I missed that trainwreck. Let's recap, shall we? We fuck the pans who paid 40 skins to see if one of their favourite guys would finally win the big one - just to find out that he won't be on the show at all. We take the World title off the only guy drawing any heat at all on RAW and make the guy who you just put the IC title on, ruining another hot character, look like a joke. (I know he was sick - but smarten up).

$40, well saved.

Trixie Brags and Other Random Stuff

It's time to babble about random stuff again.

I can't believe how fast time is flying. It's going to be Christmas before I know it. But wanna know what's cool? If all goes well today, I should be completely done my Christmas shopping! Well, that's not quite true. I have to wait two weeks to get what I want to get Trixie's raiser. but other than that, I will be completely finito! Um, how often does that happen? Let's rewind to last year. Was I done this soon? That would be a resounding nooo! It was crazy. This year, the ideas fell out of the sky, and even hunting down rare things for people wasn't too painful. For the first time in years, I'm actually sort of in a christmas mood! I'm heading to the mall today, and I'm not dreading it.

Maybe what's making me happy isn't Christmas, it's Trixie becoming not just a good guide dog, but a supre guide dog. There was a time back through September and October when she was really super putting me to the test. She decided to be even more sniffy, embarrassingly so. I was wondering if I was misunderstanding her signals, if I wasn't giving her enough praise, was the food not filling her up enough, what was it? For a while, I was afraid to put the gental leader on her because she had this horrible way of grinding her face on me, and no amount of that's enough! along with a yank behind the ears would stop it. Once, she almost knocked me down some stairs trying to rub it off. With the sniffing on the rise, I decided we had to give ye old gental leader another go. So I slapped it on after her first sniff. I was a nazi. If she sniffed a post and a correction wouldn't bring her back to focus, on went the gental leader. Amazingly, the sniffing slowed immensely! She tried to rub it off on me, and when she did, I would detach the gental leader from the leash and then give her a high-collar. Then I'd put the gental leader back on. She soon learned that rubbing meant more bad things, and it didn't give her a greater chance of having the gental leader come off, so the rubbing decreased drastically! We even got to go on walks when she didn't need the gental leader! Yea! Even cooler, we walked around a busy farmer's market, with the gental leader on, but oh well, and she was friggin awesome. She would pick her way through crowds, and if the people got too close, she would nudge them as if to say, "excuse me, excuse me. Comin' through." It was cute.

Even better, when the snow and ice came, she remembered some of the things it took forever to teach her last year. things like slow down on ice! She still has some trouble realizing ice is there when there's snow over the ice, but she seems to understand why I'm insistent that she slow down. The other day, we were going down a steep hill, and she slowed down to the pace of an old grandmother to keep me from falling. That's my girl!

I'm so happy I don't have to go through the trial and error of finding the right stuff for her feet. I've started on the Mushers', and although she's not fond of the extra two minutes she has to wait before feeding, it's already doing good things. Man I love that stuff. Love love love it. It's the miracle stuff. It's amazing. I was going through a drawer of her stuff, and stumbled across those boots, and the attaching thingamabobber, and the sense of dread filled my belly. I think I felt it for myself and on behalf of the poor pooch!

And here's another cool thing I've noticed! Her fur coat seems to be thickening up! I haven't had to put her coat on yet! I'm pretty sure that when we hit these temperatures last year, she was wearing it. I could be dreaming, but I think her coat is thicker. I guess we'll see.

The other day, I realized something. I've officially had Trixi for longer than anyone else. She spent a couple months in the puppy kennel, then she was with her raiser for maybe 16 months, then she was in doggy college for four or five months, then I got her! I've officially had her the longest! Woo! I wondered if the last bit of testing was a bit of rebellion. maybe her doggy clock was wondering if she was going to change hands ssoon. Or maybe I'm high and it was just another random testing phase. Trix would be the only one who knos, and I can't speak dog that well.

It's funny. Even after over 18 months of having her, my mom still doesnt' understand some of the intricacies of the harness being on and off. I took Trixie out back to do her business once, and somehow got a little turned around. Since she was on the leash, our body positioning was a bit different. In harness, she gets slightly in front of me, with me walking somewhere between her shoulders and hips. But since she was just on leash since we just basically stepped out the door and a dog is never supposed to do her business in harness, she was at heel. So she couldn't really lead me. It was me who was deciding the direction totally and completely. We were standing there so I could get a clue and start us moving. Mom was like "why didn't you get her to find the door?" She's not working, mom, and in this position, it's hard for her to lead me anywhere. Oh well, without working with dogs all the time, I guess it's a little weird to try and understand.

I guess that's it. Hopefully everyone's having about as much luck Christmas shopping. It's a good feeling!

Next Stop, Easier Bus Travel...In Theory

I wish I'd run home and written this post on Thursday night when it happened, It would have been a much more positive post than it is now.

Guelph Transit drivers have finally been ordered to call out stops. So, after they stop at one stop, they call out the next stop so even us blinks can pull the bell ourselves. This will cut back on drivers forgetting we asked for a stop, and other assorted goo. Eventually, there will be an automated system, so drivers don't have to yell out stops all the time. This'll be great as long as the automated thingamabob works correctly. There must be a way, the Toronto subways have it.

On Thursday night, I got on a bus where the driver was calling out the stops, and I must have looked like the biggest psycho that ever lived. When he called out the first stop, my face lit up into a giant grin, and I looked for the chord so I could pull the bell. I've never pulled it myself since I'm not a good guesser, so I always just told the driver where I want to get off. But now I could pull it on my own! I wouldn't have to watch the clock to make sure I hadn't been forgotten. I could just wait for the words that meant my stop. I grinned all the way to my stop, when I pulled the bell, the bus pulled up to the stop, and I went to get off, thanking the driver for doing it. The poor man must have thought I'd lost my mind.

I ran home all full of glee that this was actually going to happen. It was supposed to happen back in July, but all manner of delays pushed it further and further into the future.

The next morning, bright and early, I called the city, and was told by one of the head cahoonas that they have been told to call out stops to the best of their ability, and if drivers don't call out stops, I'm to call this lady back and tell her. I was pretty excited, and told a few friends the good news. Then I wrote a letter to the editor jumping for joy at the calling of stops and telling the drivers that they may find it annoying, but everyone who does it is awesome. I wish my story ended there, but it doesn't.

The next day, I took a bus, and the mand didn't call out a single stop! At the end of the ride, as I was getting off, I asked him why he wasn't calling out stops. He actually said "Your friend said you were going downtown, so I thought you didn't need it." I said the calling of stops isn't just for me.

I got on another bus, and I said to my friend to not say anything to the driver about where we were going. The driver commented on how sweet my dog was, and then started driving. She didn't call out stops either! When I was getting off, I asked her to please please call out the stops, since it does make it easier for me and takes the guesswork out of it, and all she did was sheepishly say ok.

So, hmm. Drivers have a little work to do, and it looks like I have a call to make. I'll probably tell the lady that I already sorta asked the drivers why they didn't call out the stops and see what she says.

Part of me, all-be-it a very small part, feels bad for being such a nazi about this. I mean, the drivers are for the most part really good to me. I'm afraid they'll all turn into pricks because I sorta ask them why they're not doing something they've been mandated to do. But that's where the bigger part of me says "They've been mandated to do it! You're not asking them to go above and beyond what they've been asked to do! And it's not like you're yelling at them. You just ask them quietly as you leave the bus why they didn't call out the stops. what's wrong with that?"

We'll see how this all goes. One way or another, bus service is going to get easier.

A Treasure Trove of Old Stuff

The other day, I heard about a cool site full of mp3 copies of children's records from days gone by. Apparently a bunch of them were from the 40's and 50's. I still went to see if I could find something I listened to as a kid. Yes, I listened to records as a kid. I did manage to find one thing.

The site has quite a stack of stuff, all the records I checked out were in awesome quality. Somebody uploaded a record or 2 a week for 3 years. So if you want to check out some older records, go to www.KiddieRecords.com. Enjoy.

Yakedy Yak, I Love Yak Trax

Remember back when I talked about my quest for Yaktrax? Well, it came to an end in an unexpected way.

The other day, the ice started to form. I think I first noticed it Monday night or Tuesday. I called the store I'd called before, the one who tried to sell me smalls when I asked for extra smalls. The man barked that no I hadn't been forgotten, they were coming, they were coming. Since I needed them ASAP, I decided to look elsewhere. I found tons of confusion. One store said they were one-size fits all, one store said they only went as small as the size small, one said they would look in the catalogue and call back real soon. I'm still waiting for that call.

I decided to email the company and ask exactly what the story was on the sizing thing. I praised their product up and down and said that it helps me not skid through the winter. They replied, first with an autoresponder which I'll explain later that should make your head spin, and then with the best news ever! They apologized that I was having such trouble getting the right size, and said they'd send me a set for free! How cool is that?

So for anyone who needs ice-grippers, go for the yaktrax. their site has lists of stores in lots of Canadian cities, and you can apparently order them online. They are stellar, and so is the company.

Now, autoresponder fun. Here is the exact text I received. Keep in mind that in order to receive this text, I emailed info@yaktrax.ca. this is what I got back.

I will be away from the office with limited access to e-mail from Nov 16th-Nov 20th. If you have any immediate requests please contact Gemma or Stephanie at info@yaktrax.ca, or call 1-800-663-8613 and they will do their best to help you.
Have a good week.
Leslie

Hmmm. I just emailed that address! Stephanie did right back, with a very helpful response, but...um...oops. I wonder how many people mistakenly flooded them with messages because of that?

So that's the latest thing on Yak Trax. I can hardly wait until they come, because there are ugly little patches of ice, and it's only going to get worse. I'm going to try and stop these from breaking. I asked them why they might break, and they were surprised to hear I was destroying them too.

An Interesting Note About Rogers

I got news of something the other day that needs to be spread far and wide. I don't think too many people know about it. Here's what it says.

Today, while listening to the presentation from Rogers to the CRTC, I heard something that I think will interest many of you.

For more than three months now, Rogers has had a policy whereby they will provide a free set top box to any blind customer who requests it. This would allow you to access the digital cable signal offered by Rogers. Of course, you will still have to pay the monthly subscription fee, but the set top box is free. My understanding is that in an agreement with the CRTC, Rogers decided to stop passing through descriptive video on its analogue signal, in exchange for which, the digital set top boxes become complementary for blind customers.

Today, when Rogers was asked how many customers had received the free box over the last few months, the Rogers representative sheepishly answered, one. So clearly not enough advertising has been done on this issue. The people who would take advantage of this offer simply don't know about it.

Now for the really exciting part. The representative also said that sometime in the first quarter of 2009, Rogers would be offering, free of charge along with the set top box, a large button remote control, and one button on that remote would be programmed to turn on and off the descriptive
> video service. Yes, that's right, just a single button to turn it on and off, no more having to go through four to six steps using inaccessible menus.

Right now this offer is only available to Rogers customers, or rather it will be available in 2009, but we will definitely be pushing to have other companies like Shaw, Telus, and Bell be required to offer a similar one button solution to access to descriptive video.

In the next little while, I will try to provide a transcript of the Rogers presentation, so you can read it for yourself, but for now, I would ask you to share this information with anyone who you think would be interested.

I would assume you would only get a free box if you were just converting over now, but one never knows. I went and found this press release which confirms the whole free boxes to blind folks thing, so I have no reason to think the other half isn't going to happen. so there it is, for anyone who's interested. I figure I've raged enough about Rogers, I should say something nice for a change.

Survivor Series Predictions

There won't be any. Matt is smart enough to be off doing something fun, and me, oh me. I tried to write a prediction post, I really did. But I got 2 matches in and I realized that it just wasn't going to happen. In order to write about something and make it interesting, I have to care about it in some way. It doesn't matter if it makes me happy or makes me angry so long as it makes me something, and this show doesn't. In fact, if I never get to see it, I won't care. I can't think of another time in my life when I could honestly say that. Even when I know a show is going to be bad I can still find a reason to look forward to it, even if that reason is just because it's wrestling. But tomorrow I'm going to be watching the Grey Cup and drinking beer with some good company, and the Survivor Series likely won't even enter my head until somebody asks me about it. Guess I've got something in common with the writing team. Well, other than that watching the Grey Cup part...

Seriously, they've put no effort whatsoever into making anybody who isn't a John Cena fan want to see this show, and even those people have got to be getting sick of the video packages by now. I don't hate the guy like a lot of people do, but I don't like him enough to care about his comeback either. the Smackdown title match has been built well, but Triple H almost always wins so why should I get my hopes up for Jeff Hardy? I'm sure the match will be fun, but the Undertaker Big Show feud does nothing for me. people feuding with the general manager or president or commissioner or owner or chairman or booker or janitor or whoever it is from the office that's in charge got old years ago. It takes a special type of character to pull it off, and since neither of these guys are Steve Austin, it ain't happening. Elimination matches? Maybe if they got some time to become something worthwhile and they knocked off those stupid quick pinfalls that I hate so much because they make guys look weak I'd care,but they forgot how to do that sometime in the 90's, so I don't.

The only predictions I'll make for tomorrow are that the Stampeders will beat Montreal and that a good time will be had. Oh, and that a lot of people are going to want their $40 back from WWE assuming that anybody actually buys the show in the first place. It might be ok because people tend to buy the big shows of the year out of habit, but the buyrate for this one could be pretty ugly. And you know what? I hope it is. At a time when WWE is trying to cut costs and people are starting to watch what they spend, we need to send the message that they need to do better if they expect us to buy in. Hell, they need to do better period, because I'm not even sure I want to waste my valuable bandwidth downloading it for free.

Hopefully They've Fixed It And Hopefully They've Learned Something

Finally, the state of Nebraska has gotten around tofixing that stupid safe haven lawwe keephavingtowriteabout.

Lawmakers in Nebraska gave final approval on Friday to adding a 30-day age limit to the state's "safe haven" law to protect unwanted newborns from being abandoned in potentially dangerous situations.

The absence of an age limit in the Nebraska law has sparked controversy over parental responsibility, as the majority of abandoned children in the state are teenagers.

As of Friday, 35 children have been abandoned under the law, including six 17-year-olds. Five have been from out of state.

The out of state part, how is that even legal? As poorly thought out as this whole thing has been, that still astonishes me.

And what happens to all these teenagers and other kids who are old enough to understand what happened to them? Do they go back home? That'll be interesting.

We'll keep you posted, since I'm sure we're far from hearing the last of this.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong? According To This, Nothing

Maybe it's my lack of faith in human beings talking, butthe news that Wikipedia is going to start getting a lot more into photo and videohas disaster in the making written all over it.

With the more aggressive support for media files will come, eventually, new ways to edit those media. Kaltura has been working with Wikimedia to create an online video editor that supports wikipedia concepts: users will be able to edit others' videos, and everyone will be able to see the edit history.

Wikimedia is also considering building an online photo editor into the service, so users will be able to do the same things with photos that they do with text--enhance, clarify, and revert the last user's edits. Failing that, Wikimedia CTO Brion Vibber told me Wednesday, Wikipedia users may soon get a way to view the revisions that people make offline to photos by flipping through previous versions of the images.

Given how unreliable Wikipedia can be at the best of times and how much fun people have messing with the text of certain articles, is it really a good idea to set these same people loose on movies and pictures?

I'm just sayin'.

that's Why They Pay Him The Big Bucks

Here's your latest episode of holy fuck that's an understatement.

A 30-year-old woman who fell 15 storeys to her death Monday afternoon at a Victoria high-rise was the victim of a poor decision, the regional coroner said yesterday.

Um, yup. That's definitely true. When you lock yourself out of your new digs that you're moving into, usually you don't think the best course of action would be "Knock knock knock, excuse me, neighbour above me? Can I climb over your balcony rail to get onto my balcony so I can get back into my house?" how about "Knock knock knock. Excuse me, property manager, holder of a master key? I locked myself out. Can you let me in?" That would be a good decision.

This woman must be one the likes of Stupidhead and Ditz o Matic, except with enough money to own a condo. All I know is that poor old woman who let her climb over her balcony is going to need therapy. Come to think of it, what was wrong with that lady? If someone asked me if they could use my balcony as a jumping off point, I would say no and call the property manager, probably while rolling my eyes. then when they got back into their house, I'd likely blog about their stupidheaded request. But I'd rather blog about that than describe the pile of mush that used to be my neighbour from below.

Bad Kitty!

There was a garage-fire in Saskatchewan that almost got the people's attached house. Everybody got out ok. Firefighters think a burning cigarette was the cause. I think it was set. Set by who? Their cat. Why? His name is Cinder!

And in case anyone can't figure it out, I'm joking.

The Onion? Conservative? that's Funny!

Here's another episode of it's a goddamn joke, you lame-brained idiots. When I saw this last night, I was reduced to an inarticulate, babbling fool. Now, I think I've found my voice again.

A bunch of nimrods at the University of Arkansas filed a racism complaint against a law professor, demanding he be removed from teaching, for using this piece from the Onion to make a point. Now, read that piece. Read it again. Can you not tell it's satire? Can you not tell it's trying to exaggerate something to no end to state the opposite? And in what twisted parallel universe is that a conservative piece which pokes fun at Rosa Parks? Thankfully, they did not win their case, hopefully because someone presiding over the whole thing can properly understand a joke and told them they were wrong. But that doesn't mean the poor prof wasn't put through hell unnecessarily. He was going to sue them, but dropped the suit when the university got behind him.

Soon, we're going to have to have explanatory notes on "why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes because people won't get it and they'll be up in arms that helpless chickens are being set loose on highways.

Brian Sinclair, the Final Update

I'm just full of updates. Now it's time to think back to Brian Sinclair, the guy in the wheelchair who sat and waited for 34 hours in a Winnipeg ER and never got seen until he was dead. Well, the investigation is complete anda bunch of changes have been recommended. the only thing I would have done differently was perhaps I would have recommended that the nurse who said she was too busy to check on Sinclair be disciplined.

Hopefully this will help, and no one will complain that they're being asked too many questions, or get mad if they're asked if they're ok, since they're only waiting with a friend. But somebody probably will. They can shut up. I'd rather be asked too many times if I'm ok than not be asked enough times and be dead.

Wendy Portillo Update

Remember Wendy Portillo? The teacher who brought the little guy with autism in front of the class, had them tell him what they didn't like about him, and then had them vote on whether he should stay? Well, the school board's investigation is complete and she got punished, but only suspended for a year. It seems like they're more mad about the bad press her actions brought to the school than the fact that she did that to a kid. I know she had 12 years of good reports, but that was so stunningly bad, so...how did they put it? there it is. "fatally flawed” and against professional ethics" that I would think it would warrant being terminated. How many times does she have to do this, or something similar, before she gets the boot?

Y'all Get A home Now, ya Hear?

Oh my god. This looks like a red-neck extravaganza if there ever was one. Good lord. I don't think you could pile more hickish things in there if you tried. She's a grandma at 35? She's living with 8 kids under 12? In a trailer? That she was paying a guy 200 bucks to move using a farm tractor? The guy's name is Chris "pancake" Meyers? And the sheriff, who only had one deputy on staff, had to deal with the case of an attempted pie-theft? My good god. This looks like it's some kind of joke. But oh no, no it isn't. she and her large clan are mobile homeless, their home lying in a pile on some old dude's front lawn. It would be even funnier if the story wasn't so pitifully sad.

Ragu...ooo...ooo...ahhhhhhh

Ok boys and girls, it's time to play a nice game of how much innuendo can the newspaper cram into one story? Heh heh heh, I said cram...

Our subject today is46-year-old Keith Roy Weatherley, who was stopped by police and observed with his noodle in a pasta sauce jar.This should be easy.

A MAN caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.

And we're off to a flying start. Nobbys beach?

Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Sounds more like some kind of creepy circle jerk than a stop and arrest.

Weatherley, of Promontory Way, North Arm Cove, attracted attention parked in a no-stopping zone before noon on October 26.

It's pushing it a bit, but I'll count North Arm because it's a masturbation story. the part about a no stopping zone...well...it sure was that day.

Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.

Well, yes and no.

Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.

I've never heard those things called lights before, but we've got some flashing.

The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.

Batons, spray...somebody's getting way too into his assignment.

They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".

Which should come as no surprise since a guy like this is exactly the type of person who would get into rough stuff with somebody dressed like a policeman.

Here's where things really get interesting.

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Whaaaaat?

I can't be the only one singing the one of these things is not like the other song right now...

Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction.

Magistrate Elaine Truscott asked Weatherley, who represented himself, why he behaved the way he did.

He represented himself. Seems fitting under the circumstances.

He said he resisted police because he was trying to make himself "decent".

Nobody has time to wait that long, my friend.

He was fined $600 for offensive behaviour and convicted of the other two offences without further action taken.

Oh just wait, I'm sure more action will be taken soon enough.

that was fun. I'd say it stimulated the brain, but somebody might take that the wrong way.

A Few Jokes That Some Of You Might Not Like

The weather sucks. Life is good, but not exciting enough to write about in a manner that would make anybody care. The news isn't all that funny these days. It's not very thought inspiring either. Thank God for jokes, that's all I can say. If you've got any, feel free to send them along.

*All that time and money spent on the U.S. election, what did it actually get us? Another black family living in government housing, that's what!

*In response to complaints from Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson that there are not enough Black and Hispanic people appearing on TV, FOX has decided that in the future 'America's Most Wanted' will be shown twice weekly.

*Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

*Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic-bulimic?
A: He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

Best Friend

A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.

"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG! BAAAD DOG!'"

Now That's A Tough Man. A Fool, But A Tough Man

Jesus! If you need a guy to be reliable no matter what, Gilbert Genn is your man. He got repeatedly stabbed by a deer, but just pulled the beast off of him, sorta patched himself up and proceeded to a meeting that he says he absolutely couldn't miss. Dude, go to a hospital. I'm sure Maryland House Speaker Michael Busch would have understood. I mean, you got speared by a deer!

But I guess everything's working out ok, the guy's apparently recovering well.

Let's Put Them In Parliament while We're At It

What? Now kids in the UK are being given wide-ranging decision-making powers over their schools? Yup, the UK is really going to hell. Can you imagine walking into a school for a job interview for a teaching position and finding out your interview panel consists of the kidlets you could be teaching?

I'm all for giving kids some power, but this is too much too soon. It's nuts, that's what it is.

I've Heard Of Musical Fruits, But...Musical Vegetables?

Um, um, uh, I thought I was inventive. I've been thoroughly schooled. So...he made a clarinet out of a carrot? For real? what I can't figure out is the music is produced by multiple clarinets. Are they all carrots? How in the hell would you even figure that out? Am I missing something? I likely am, since there's not a lot of description.

I Saw The Sign. the Sign Was...A Saw.

Eek. James Patric Fitzgerald needs help immediately. Cutting his mom with a saw? Trying to set the cat on fire? Threatening to give his sister a C-section? Looking up bomb-making instructions on the internet? How many wake-up calls do these people need?

Ooo! It's A Human Tug toy!

I think I have a new word for idiot. It's Zitnick! What else would you call a dork like Anthony Zitnick who brought his girlfriend into another man's home who just happened to be keeping some wild animals. He had permits for them all, but still. The owner of the home was gone, and he'd given Zitnick a key so he could help him with some stuff, but I guess Zitnick thought he'd show off the guy's wild animals to his girlfriend. Well, one of the animals, a four-year-old cougar, didn't like the girl too much, or preferred her as a play toy. It grabbed a hold of her head and started to squeeze and chew. Luckily for the girl, a neighbour could save the day because Zitnick didn't know what to do.

What an idiot...No, what a Zitnick. That's right. I hope nothing happens to the animal, because probably nothing bad would have happened if the dork hadn't decided to start giving unauthorized tours.

Stop Reprogramming Our Sheep!

The Rt Rev Patrick O'Donoghue, Bishop of Lancaster, has complained abouteducated members of the Catholic church asking too many questions and not following the church's teachings.

"What we have witnessed in Western societies since the end of the Second World War is the development of mass education on a scale unprecedented in human history - resulting in economic growth, scientific and technological advances, and the cultural and social enrichment of billions of people's lives," he said.

"However, every human endeavor has a dark side, due to original sin and concupiscence. In the case of education, we can see its distortion through the widespread dissemination of radical scepticism, positivism, utilitarianism and relativism.

"Taken together, these intellectual trends have resulted in a fragmented society that marginalizes God, with many people mistakenly thinking they can live happy and productive lives without him.

I've taken 0 university courses, but I'm doing just fine without God and the guilt that comes with listening to his earthly representatives I.E people like you, thank you very much.

"It shouldn't surprise us that the shadows cast by the distortion of education, and corresponding societal changes, have also touched members of the Church. As Pope Benedict XVI puts it, even in the Church we find hedonism, selfishness and egocentric behavior."

Here comes my favourite part.

The bishop said that influential Catholics had set a bad example and corrupted the faith of those who had not gone to university.

That line of thinking explains a lot, and not just about religion. An educated populous is a dangerous thing to people in positions of so-called authority, and though they may claim otherwise, it's really the last thing they want. The good Bishop can say all he wants about supporting people bettering themselves through education, but the rest of his words tell the real story.

"This failure of leadership has exacerbated the even-greater problem of the mass departure from the Church of the working-class and poor," he said. "For example, the relentless diatribe in the popular media against Christianity has undermined the confidence of the ordinary faithful in the Church."

That's what happens when you aim your message at the easily manipulated. Those people are hearing messages from people other than you, and you don't always win.

Bishop O'Donoghue has produced a report, Fit for Mission? Church, examining the current problems facing the Church and designed "to enable Catholic men, women and children to resist the pressures to compromise, even abandon, the truths of the Catholic faith".

He says that he supports Catholics receiving a university education, but urges they should be "better-equipped to challenge the erroneous thinking of their contemporaries".

I sure hope this report has some real answers in it that go beyond the standard these other people are wrong because me and the lord say they are so ask me no questions crap we usually get. If you want your faithful to combat false thinking, tell us why it's false, and make your point with facts instead of fear. If you can't do that, maybe you need to ask a few questions yourself.

Keep It Down Back There!

A dozen illegal immigrants hiding in the back of a truck were nabbed after the driver heard them singing to celebrate as they entered the UK.

Minutes after disembarking from a ferry at Dover, they began yelling out in joy. So the trucker drove his rig to the nearest police station.

The 12 men, four each from Iran, Afghanistan and Iraq, are believed to have sneaked on to the lorry in Germany.

A border source said: “The driver could immediately hear the men in the back as soon as the truck arrived at Dover.

They were making a racket singing some kind of crazy song so the driver, as he was quite right to do, drove straight to the nearest police station.”

He added: “It came as quite a surprise to them when they were arrested. They thought they were home free.

“They should have kept it down a bit and they might have stood a chance.

Full storyhere.

I Don't Know What He Needed More, Money or Brains

Joseph Goetz, you don't seem to understand a simple principle. In order to have the right to complain to the manager, you have to be a customer. Trying to rob the bank doesn't make you a customer. So saying you're going to express your dissatisfaction to the bank manager that the cash drawers were empty when you tried to rob the bank...makes you a dumbass, I guess. Oh well, it doesn't matter. Being seen looking suspicious by a passing driver, causing him to call 911 makes you an arrested dumbass.

They Are? Wow, You Had Me Worried There For A Second

I live in Canada. More often than not, when I'm listening to radio, it's Canadian radio. And every now and then when I hear a commercial, I'll hear the stupidest thing.

The latest example is the ad for those Pizza Hut Pizza Mia deals, the ones that are only $6 each if you buy 3 or more of them. At the end, the voiceover guy comes on and says "now available in Canada."

Um...yeah, I'd hope so, considering you're advertising them to me on a local radio station. Seems to me if anything else were the case you'd have just spent a good chunk of your ad budget to do nothing more than taunt us with what we could pick up on the way home from work if only we had chosen a different homeland.

If you need to make work for the now available guy, why not get him to tell us where they're not available or even what the risks of ingesting them might be. Then again, that would be stepping on some drug company announcer toes and we don't need that. But what we need even less is the hot tip about not having to go through customs to get dinner. Knock that off.

We Need To Unite Against People Like These

I know unions are supposed to look out for their members, but sometimes, like in the case ofDavid Justka,it might be best to just let him go.

Speaking of letting him go, the Erie Metropolitan Transit Authority has tried to do just that...twice. The reason? He's hit 3 pedestrians since 2000, one of whom is taking the big nap now. The union got him his job back after that one, and now they're trying to save him again by arguing, among things, that his previous record isn't relevant to his current firing. That would be the current firing that stems from him smoking that teenaged girl in September.

Fucking scumbags. That is all.

No Surprises May Mean Better Surprises

I'm in one of those moods today where I want to experiment with something different. So what I think I'll do is go so far outside of the box that I'm actually in a whole different box and write about something that annoys the ever loving crap out of me. Yes, that's the perfect idea, and I bet none of you would have ever expected it.

Right now, my anger is directed at Christmas shopping. Ok, not exactly Christmas shopping itself, but more the way that some people handle Christmas shopping.

How many of you have ever had a conversation like this:

Not You: "So, what do you want for Christmas this year?"

You: "I'm really not sure. I don't need anything. I'd be fine with some money or a gift certificate for someplace I like."

Not You: "Oh come on, that's no fun. That kind of stuff is such a cop-out. Seriously, what do you want?"

You: "I just told you what I wanted."

Not You: "No, I mean what you really want."

You: "Money or a gift card."

Not You: "That's not what you want."

You: "Then what are you asking me for?"

Not You: Because I want to know what you want for Christmas."

You: "I just told you twice!"

That Idiot Standing Across From You: "No you didn't!"

And on and on it goes.

I don't know how many ways to say this. If a man says give me money, it means give me money. I say man because it's usually women who don't believe us. Most guys will happily slip another guy $30 for a case of beer and call it a holiday season, but women don't like to leave well enough alone.

Which brings me to the part where I try very hard not to flip my fucking lid.

I don't mean to pick on the girls here because I have run across a homo or 2 in my day who likes to pull this shit, but I've had more of these conversations with women by a significant margin.

You: "So, what do you want for Christmas this year?"

Not You: "Oh, I don't know, just surprise me."

Surprise me would be great if we were allowed to go by the popular definition of the word, but that's not how it works. Oh no. what surprise me actually means is I want you to know exactly what I want without me telling you, but I'll settle for you being pretty close.

Here's the truth. No matter what anybody says, they don't want to be surprised. The next time somebody gives you the surprise me, arrange to have 7 truckloads of bull semen dumped into their swimming pool and see what happens. I can tell you with absolute certainty that they'll be surprised,and I bet they won't be happy. Well, maybe some of the deviants we've got reading this blog might, but generally speaking, not so much.

The other reason I hate surprise me is because I know who the surprise me people are. They're the ones who bitch the longest and the loudest about what they got and what they didn't get and how ugly it is and how so and so doesn't know how to shop and how nobody knows them or understands them or appreciates them and muckity fuckity doo.

You know, none of this would be cause for a meltdown if you'd just answered the question helpfully.

I'm a guy, and as such I suck at shopping for people who aren't me. And you know why I always know what I want? A. I'm inside my own head and can read my own mind, and B. My mind never tells me to surprise it. I get along pretty well with myself most of the time, and that's a pretty big part of the reason why.

So the next time you have the what do you want chat with somebody, tell the person what you want. And if you're on the other end, take the person at face value. Having a few ideas in mind is good for everybody. It's good for the gifter because starting points make the malls easier to deal with and can even lead to some actual inspired surprises, and it's good for the giftee because you're more likely to avoid the shitty present that you'll be standing in line to return or finding space for under the bed or in a closet sooner than you can say gee, you shouldn't have.

I hope we all understand each other a little bit better now. My money's on no, but at least I tried.

You Say Potato, I Say OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Listen up, all you sick bastards from the search box. I need you for something more than everyone's amusement and ridicule right now. I'm positive that at least one of you has experience in this area, and I need whoever it is to tell me ifthe rectal misadventure described herecould have actually happened, or whether it was some routine church molestation gone horibly awry.

A vicar claims a potato got stuck up his bottom after he fell on to the vegetable while hanging curtains in the nude.

The clergyman, in his 50s, told medical staff at Sheffield's Northern General Hospital that the accident was definitely not due to a sex game.

He had to undergo surgery to extract the spud from his backside, according to The Sun.

A&E nurse Trudi Watson told the paper: "He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in he kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

"But it's not for me to question his story."

That leaves it up to me, so please, help a guy out.

We're Getting There

Wonky fruit back on the shelves

This is a good start, but it still doesn't helpthe poor kiwi fruit guy.Kiwi fruits are still subject to this retardedness, probablyout of spite or something equally stupid.

Now The Guilt Comes In Texts, Too!

Ug! I've talked about email hug certificates before. Now they're coming in text messages!

I powered up my cellphone this morning, and it said I had a new message. It was from a friend in California. It said "I love who you are." I thought that was quite the outpouring from someone who is friendly, but not mushy like that. So, I opened it. Then I saw the whole thing. It read, "I love who you are. You mean a lot to me. If I don't get this back, I get it. Send this to ten friends you don't regret having."

Gug! I knew it would only be a matter of time before this garbage spread to cellphones. This especially pisses me off, since sending messages isn't cheap for some people, especially if it's being sent internationally.

And then the thing asked to be forwarded to ten people. If someone's texting plan only has room for 100 messages a month, that's a tenth of the space right there, and what a waste it is. Maybe American cellphone plans are not that restricted, but not all cellphone service from country to country is created equal.

Listen, everybody. I've said it before, I'll say it again. If you want to show someone you care about them, call them, or send them an actual email! These stupid forwards don't mean anything. Well, that's not exactly true. They mean that the sender is too lazy to actually make a real connection.

Some Help And Some Plugs

Just came across this in our recent searches...

11 Nov, Tue, 21:28:13
Google:
pwinsider won't let me use pop up blockers

I remember this being an older problem, but if you're still having it, here are a few things you can do.

1. Try outSuper Ad Blocker.It's a really good product, best pop-up blocker I've ever used. I just tested thefree PWInsider sitewith it and was able to read a couple of articles without any problems.

2. Consider signing up forElite.I've been a member for almost 3 years and it's definitely been worth the money and then some.

3. Buy a subscription for both services, the ad blocker and the website. I love both of them and they need your support. If you hate ads but like helping folks out and are looking to balance those 2 urges, that's the way to go.

Epic Fail

Your friends at Vomit Comet world HQ would like to remind you of the following, especially if you are Frederick Tanne of Manhattan: Filing suit against your wife for giving you herpes due to her cheatin' ways is fine, but making sure you actually got the herpes from her is significantly more fine. We thought a lawyer would no that, butguess not.

Too...Much...Stupid...Can't...Take...Much...More...

I had a revelation today. In a flash, I figured out how I'm likely going to die. What's going to happen is this. I'll be living my life on an average day, perhaps even a day much like this one. Then, without warning, a story likethat of Janella Spearswill cross my path. It happens all the time, but judging from the reaction I had today, one day it's going to be too much and my head will explode. Yes, literally explode. Hair and bones and brain dust will spew forth, covering everyone and everything that dares to get in their way. Yes, I'm going to die for my art (such as it is), either that or all of these idiots are finally going to defeat me, it depends on how you want to look at it.

Here's some back-story by way of the article. I'd summarize it myself, but really, I just can't.

The e-mail pitch is familiar to most people by now: a long-lost relative or desperate government official in a war-torn country needs to shuffle some funds around, say $10 million or $20 million, and if you could just help them out for a bit, you get to keep 10 (or 20 or 30) percent for your trouble.

All you need to do is send X-amount of dollars to pay some fees and all that cash will suddenly land in your checking account, putting you on Easy Street. By the way, please send the funds though an untraceable wire service.

By this time, not many people will fall for such an outrageous pitch, and the scam is very well-known. But it persists, and for a reason: every now and then, it works.

Spears received just such an e-mail, promising her that she’d get $20.5 million if she would only help out a long-lost relative – identified in the e-mail as J.B. Spears – with a little money up front. "That's what got me to believe it," Spears said.

It turned out to be a lot of money up front, but it started with just $100.

The scammers ran Spears through the whole program. They said President Bush and FBI Director "Robert Muller" (their spelling) were in on the deal and needed her help.

They sent official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and even from the United Nations. Her payment was "guaranteed."

Then the amount she would get jumped up to $26.6 million – if she would just send $8,300. Spears sent the money.

When Spears began to doubt the scam, she got letters from the President of Nigeria, FBI Director Mueller, and President Bush. Terrorists could get the money if she did not help, Bush’s letter said. Spears continued to send funds. All the letters were fake, of course.

For more than two years, Spears sent tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars. Everyone she knew, including law enforcement officials, her family and bank officials, told her to stop, that it was all a scam. She persisted.

Spears said she kept sending money because the scammers kept telling her that the next payment would be the last one, that the big money was inbound. Spears said she became obsessed with getting paid.

Now, Spears has gone public with her story as a warning to others not to fall victim.

She hopes her story will warn others to listen to reason and avoid going down the dark tunnel of obsession that ended up costing her so much.

Spears estimates it will take two years to dig out of the debt she ran up in pursuit of the non-existent pot of Nigerian gold.

It's a shame that most of the people who have been struck by stupid to this degree either don't or can't read.

I think the reason this particular case makes me so unbelievably angry is that this woman, before telling the story of how she wiped out her husband's life savings, put a new mortgage on their home and took out a lien on the already paid for family car in the process of squandering more than $400000, had the nerve, the fucking...nerve to say that she does not think that she's stupid or that she is an easy mark. Listen lady, fuck you and the horse you can't afford to ride in on! Tell the truth for God sakes! You are stupid. If this happened to me, I'd be stupid too. And you know what, I'd freely admit it! Being in denial helps no one, especially not you.

I feel bad for her husband, who I couldn't help but notice wasn't quoted in the article. I will say this though. If ever this poor bastard decides to take up a collection to buy a hammer with which to beat this woman to death, I'd strongly consider pitching him a few bucks. Sure he'd go to jail, but at least he wouldn't have to worry about how he's going to pay for his next meal.

The Survey Says, "Bzzz!"

I think I've encountered the first loophole in the whole Do Not Call List thing. I do have to say that we have seen a huge drop in telemarketing calls. Yea! By the way, access coordinator, where's my damn follow-up call? But that's beside the point.

The other day, I got a call on my cellphone. I picked it up, and there was the sound of a boat horn in my ear. Then a chipper male voice said "You will receive two all-inclusive passes for a Carnival cruise! All you have to do is complete our automated poll by pressing buttons on your keypad! Don't miss the boat. Press 1 now to start the survey!"

Of course, I hung up because if they're going to ostensibly give me cruise passes, they're going to ask for personal info, and then I'm going to get junk mailed off the planet, and of course find out that there are more fees, or maybe it's a scam or something.

But it got me thinking. Polling firms are exempt from the Do Not Call List. So telemarketers could get around this whole list by saying they want to administer a survey. Once that's over, they can start yammering about some credit card. This loophole has the potential to defeat the DNCL completely.

The Desserts Weren't Sweet, And Neither Were The Kids

Ok, here's another example of kids taking pranks too far. First we had kids flooding a house by shoving a hose through the mail slot, then there were those milk-vomiting dorks of Arizona, and now we have these sick students at Chapin high school. They laced some brownies and cupcakes to give to the opposing dance team at Andress High School. What did they lace them with? Oh, a little rat poison, some clorox bleach, and a whole ton of laxatives.

What the fuck kind of assholes think that's funny? Most people, by the time they're in high school, know what those symbols mean that are on household cleaning products. They cram into our heads what the skull and crossbones means by the time we're 4 or 5.

If they don't know that, they know that you typically don't eat a whole box of laxatives without really bad things happening. And if somehow that little fact of life escaped these morons, they *should* know that rat poison can't do good things.

These people need some serious help. It really looks like they were trying to kill those poor unfortunate souls. Luckily, somehow, the tainted stuff got intercepted before it had a chance to hurt anyone. Now they need to figure out what in hell is wrong with those kids before they try to hurt someone else.

Taxi!

Remember Cody Eugene Williams? If not, he's one of the many people to find his way here after having sex with a car, in this casea taxi.

He's beensentencedto 10 days in jail and 18 months probation.

Prosecutors reached a plea deal with Williams, who pleaded no contest –which results in a conviction without an admission of guilt – to misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Original charges of misdemeanor indecent exposure, vandalism and disorderly conduct were dropped as part of the plea, court records reflect.

The Dental Disasters Continue

Here comes a real doozer for the scary dentists files. His name is Thomas Laney, and aside from his dental practice, he's been very busy. He's done some plastic surgery, which he didn't really train to do. Who goes to occasional classes on plastic surgery? Eek! anyway, the results didn't seem to have worked out so well. he's had 10 malpractice suits, I think in his dental practice and in whatever sideline medical practices he's decided to play around in, and he was deemed at least somewhat responsible for a guy's death. And all he got were fines, requirements to complete further training, more fines, more training. How about barring him from doing this again? Ug. Now there's a woman walking around saying he horribly disfigured her when he gave her a breast-reduction.

I still wonder what is up with dentists, and I get more scared.

When Ya Gotta Know, Ya Gotta Know

The story of Steven Lipsky, a Jersey City councilman who police allege urinated on a crowd of people from a nightclub balcony is pretty good on its own (unless you were underneath him I suppose), but Charles Hack (quite the name for a newspaper reporter) went the extra mile to make my day a little brighter when deciding who to quote in his story on the incident. Asked for comment was none other thanWillie Flood,who based on name alone should be an authority on this type of thing.

Strange side note: According to the article, Willie Flood is a woman. My brain cannot get itself around how something like that could happen no matter how hard it tries.

For The Sake of Accuracy...And Being A Prick

Just because I'm a goof, I feel like bugging Matt.

the other day, Matt said every time the Redskins won the last home game before an election, the incumbent won. Well, I got my handy dandy Snopes newsletter, and apparently that didn't hold true in 2004. Then again, maybe that was a sign of the universe putting itself right after the stolen election in 2000.

I wouldn't dream of being able to do that much research, so I think I trust Snopes. But even if the Redskins game/election results thing was wrong once, that's a damn fine record.

Craigslist Didn't Bust Him, A Homeless Dude Did

Remember our masked, respirator-clad, decoy-recruiting armoured truck-robber? the one who I thought was pretty smart? Well, apparently he was a little too smart, conducting a test heist, when a homeless man saw him doing suspicious things and gave his license plate number to police. He now has a name, Anthony J. Curcio, a bunch of money has been found, and he won't be leaving in any inner tube from jail.

I guess the guy was pretty desperate, what with a house that was foreclosed on and a newborn baby.

Well I guess that mystery has been solved.

What Are The Odds?

Police in Richmond, Virginia have released the name of a man killed in a shooting that they believe was drug related. The victim has been identified as 31-year-oldMarijuana Thompson.Who could have seen that one coming?

Do We Even Need A Trial For This One?

Note to Nicholas Greenly: The next time we decide to snatch an old woman's purse, let's try not to drop our phone at the scene of the crime, especially when there's a fresh outgoing text message on it saying"I'm ready to grab some old lady's purse",ok?

It Takes A Village to Raise A Child, And A Country To Prevent The birth Of One

This law sounds as bad as the Nebraska safe haven law, but in the other direction. In the Netherlands, there is legislation in the works, although it may fall to earth with a hard thump, which is designed to stop bad parents from having more kids. On its face, that seems like a good idea. but this is how they're trying to stop it. If a mom, and that's important, screws up a kid, she will be ordered to take controception for 2 years. If she refuses and creates another baby, the kid will be taken away immediately after birth.

Ok, first of all, why is it all up to the mother? Why is she the one who has to take the birth control? What if she's a good mother, but dear papa is the one laying a holy beating on the kid? She's bad because she stays? What if she doesn't have the money to leave? Why is it all on her head?

And doesn't this create a slippery slope? How is bad parenting defined? All we need is Children's Aid folks believing psychics, and wammo! No kids for you!

I would love to have a law that would actually work to prevent numbnuts and assholes who horribly abuse their kids from having more, but I don't think this is it.

do You Ever Get The Uncontrollable Urge To Stab Somebody With A Spork?

I would never have thought a spork would be considered a deadly weapon. Never in a million years. I can barely spear food with one, and food's already dead! But apparently Peter Albert used one to try to rob a guy of his watch. I guess he didn't succeed, stabbed the guy with the spork, and then ran off, leaving lots of KFC products at the scene. what a wacko, but even wackier is that the spork was considered deadly, and that the reporter felt the need to explain what a spork was, and repeatedly use the words "spoon-fork hybrids" in the story. It makes the flimsy little plastic things seem so...so...sophisticated!

Train Bound For Stupidity

this horible excuse for customer service should have happened on british Airways. Well, at least the British part is correct.

Lena Ainscow, a 75-year-old woman, bought an £11.50 ticket to go visit her grandchildren. But because train personnel put her on an earlier train, a bonehead of a conductor told her her ticket was invalid and said she had to pay ten times the amount just to board the train. Ten times? what a load of bull. She was crying, she only had enough money to buy her grandchildren a present. Tom Wrigglesworth, a guy on the train, decided this was bullshit and went around asking for money from the fellow passengers to help the lady out. when he got it, and gave it to the conductor, the conductor said that was like begging and he'd have to either give the money back or be arrested. He wouldn't give the money back, so police were called, but when the situation was explained to them, they left.

What a load of crap! Nobody knows how to use their brain anymore. I've been forgotten on trains, and told to patiently wait for help onto the train...and then the train left, but in both cases, people fixed the situation. I've never been bullied like that, and if ever anyone tried, they would learn quick that was a bad move, a bad, bad move indeed. I'm glad everything ended well for the lady and the wonderful guy who stood up for her.

Baby Freak-Me-The-Hell-Out-A-Lot Would Be More Like It

I don't think I'd ever buy one of theseBaby Laugh-a-Lotthings for my kids, because I know the next thing I'd be buying them is about a thousand years worth of therapy.

Seriously, listen to that thing! Have you ever heard a laugh like that coming out of something that wasn't chasing you down and killing you with an axe?

And the voiceover doesn't help either. the announcer sounds like he's laughing along more out of fear than fun. I'm sure he was aiming for the laugh that says "aww, wook at the cute wittle dolly. Don't you just wanna hug her and squeeze her all day wong?" But what he ended up with was the kind of laugh that says "my God, I do believe I've just soiled myself! Somebody stop this monster before it gets to the children! No, on second thought, run for your lives!"

This thing has to be the creation of a bunch of child psychologists looking to make work for themselves. And if somehow it's not, then a group of child psychologists needs to take up a collection for whoever did come up with it as a thank you for putting an entire generation of kids through university.