If Only The Bible- Thumper Was Still Following Me, This Would Make Her Angry...

Here's a little something that just screams bloggin'. We have talked many times about religion and its inconsistencies. So, when I saw the 11 things the bible bans but you do anyway, it needed a link. Who knew wearing polyester was committing a sin? I sure didn't. We're all doomed!

The Newest Version Of RTFM

Here are a couple of goodies from Twitter.

Have you ever been asked a really really dumb question? The kind where you wonder why they ask because it would take like half a second of googling to find the answer? Well, now, you can get the message to them by using this website or this song. That song gets in my head a lot. I love it. I wonder how hard it was to go, google google google google google like that? It doesn't sound like there was any echo in there.

I love both of 'em, so here they are.

I've Had Some Comfy Chairs, But None I'd Want To Stay In For Two Years

Thanks Ann for this one.

Eek. We have another person who sat in a chair so long he got stuck to it. Just like this woman who was stuck to her john, this morbidly obese guy sat in a chair for two years! He didn't get up to use the john! There he was, sitting in his chair, his skin fused to it, covered in his own waste, and there were magots! Eeewwweeewwweeewww! Now he's no longer with us.

You have got to be some kind of depressed to not move from a spot for two years. Two years? Not even to eat or use the bathroom? Yikes!

Wow. that's a lot of ug.

Some CSUN Goodness

I will say right here that I suck. Before that last little post, I hadn't posted since March 16. Um, fail. I've been busy, but when has that ever stopped me before? It's not like my computer was broken. I've just been made of suck and fail.

But here are links to audio debuts of a whole bunch of new prototype technologies that, unlike me, are totally made of win. Some day, when I'm oozing with cash, I will go to one of these conventions like CSUN. I wanna play with stuff.

Before I get into drooling about these new pieces of tech, this brings up a question for me. If CSUN is a giant exhibit hall full of blinky technology, how in hell do the blinks navigate all the damn booths? Whenever I've been to an exhibit hall, it's a freaking zoo, and it's hard to navigate without eyeballs. What do they do with CSUN to make it digestible? Do all the booths have braille on a certain place so you can see what it is before going "Hello, are you x booth? No? Ok, see ya." If someone could answer that for me, that would be super cool.

Now, on to the drooling over prototypes of what could be awesome tech.

Remember the post where I talked about The MPrint? Well, I think someone may have just come up with something that might have been what the folks at MPrint envisioned. Here it is, the electronic brailler! Just think about how powerful this could be for a kid in class. They're brailling away. It's popping up on a computer. The teacher wants you to have something, they zap it onto the computer, it embosses for you, instantly! Yes, yes, yes! I know things are a lot easier now than what I had in school, but still. Yes! Yes! Yes!

What else should I throw on the how cool is that pile? Hmmm. Well, I'm still talking about braille, so have a boo at the 6Dot Braille Labeler. Folks who have dymo labelers, how many times have you gone "Where's the ar sign...where is it? Damn it all, it's not on the wheel!"? Well, with this sucker, those days are over, You can make labels by slammin' 'em out on a six-dot keyboard! So, you have all the signs you could ever need! How awesome is that? It's a little expensive, but it still sounds damn cool.

Now hmmm. Should I move into mobility devices? Sure, I have two of 'em to talk about, so let's go. First up is an update on the news of what APH is doing with the Wayfinder code. I'm confused by this audio interview, so maybe someone can help me out. They're planning on building it into something called AviNav. But is it an android app? Is it an app specifically for their Aph notetaker? What in hell is happening with it? But one thing I was totally into is the ability for users to place tags on areas saying "Hey next numbnut using Wayfinder, if you come here, there's a tree across the sidewalk." Or "Hey bud, construction is heavy in this area, please reroute." How awesome would that be? Users helping other users out. Rockin' the world, that's what that is.

When I heard about the next device, my response was immediate and strong. Ack! No! No no no no no! But you know what, people like it, so what the hell, it might be cool. Ambutech, the people who have made us canes for years upon years, have come up with the iGlasses. And this is why I flipped my lid. They're vibrating glasses. Do you remember the last pair of glasses I talked about that were designed for navigation? The Sonic Guide. Oh, the horror! But apparently these things are way cooler. I asked a dude who wore them, and he said they were not the Sonic Guide's distant cousin.

So what are they? They are designed to let you know about overhead obstacles, awnings, etc. Those of us with a guide dog probably wouldn't need these, but a cane user might benefit. You can change the intensity of the vibrations, so you aren't stuck with what they set as baseline. The arms are adjustible, and they're battery powered and allow for 10 hours of continuous vibration. And better yet? By the sounds of it, they look like glasses! Plain ol' glasses! Those with eyeballs, tell me if they do. here's a picture of a dude wearing the dark glasses. and here's the same dude wearing a clear pair. Do they look normal-ish?

I think those were the main things I saw in the pack of things Blind Bargains put up under CSUN audio that made me drool or be pretty amazed. Technology. It rocks.

Don't Call Us, We'll Call You

I just had a weird new thing happen to me last night. I was eating my dinner when the phone rang. Keep in mind this is about the third call I got while eating dinner. It came up as a weird number, but I thought I recognized it. I didn't.

I picked up the phone and was greeted by a freaky recording. I will do my best to quote it. "Hello. This is Liz Sandals, your member of provincial parliament. In a couple of minutes, you will be brought into a live, virtual town hall meeting with thousands of residents of Guelph. I will be available to answer questions about the Ontario budget. You will have the opportunity to ask questions."

And on it went. I was too busy wondering where the hell she got off calling us and deciding I was going into a meeting right now. I was eating dinner goddamn it. That would be like driving along the street, grabbing people randomly and throwing them in the car, telling them they had no choice but to come. Even if it's an opportunity to ask questions of someone in power, let me decide to go to a meeting.

She kept talking, and then at one point it sounded like I was about to get dumped into the meeting. Then the recording kept going. I hung up on it.

If you want to call me and invite me to a meeting, fine. But tell me the time and number to call a couple times and leave it at that. Don't assume I have time right now to go into a meeting, and don't assume that's what I want to do right now. I just found the whole thing a bit disrespectful.

Has anyone else gotten any of these calls?

His Opinion Is A Coalition Of It's A Good Idea And No It Isn't

If you've been hearing all of Stephen Harper's talk during this election campaign about how evil and dangerous coalition governments are and you're starting to wonder if maybe he's on to something, have a look atthis.

Not only did Harper think a coalition was a fine idea in 2004 and try to get the other parties on board to take down the then minority Liberals, but they were also just dandy in 1997 when he and Tom Flanagan wrote a big article while working for the National Citizens Coalition about how Canada's other parties needed to get together to take down the then majority Liberals once they became a minority, something Harper predicted would be coming soon.

Some attention was paid to this a couple of years ago when Harper was all about the hijacking of parliament by other parties who wanted to deal with separatists nonsense, but not enough. If the Liberals and for that matter the NDP are smart, they'll be all over this thing like fat kids on Happy Meals. Their best chance to make gains on the Conservatives is to chip away at whatever credibility Harper has. It won't be easy since we're in another "I can't trust any of the bastards!" era, but they have to try.

And those who would take Harper at his word need to realize that he's just like pretty much anyone else. Something's only an affront to democracy and unconstitutional when it's not working in his favour. All's fair in love and war...when you're the one losing.

Slowly Getting Ready For The Move

We mentioned back inthe last audio messthat at some point the blog would be moving. Not sure how far off the move is, but the testing starts...now! So if in the next while things go wonky, don't work, disappear, insult your mother or fall down dead, it's just the good old Fairies and Elves division doing its thing.

Speaking of that department, I've been told that comments might disappear for a while as we figure out how to hopefully not lose them all in the move. Shouldn't much matter, hardly anybody uses them anymore (Thanks, Echo!). Other than that, nothing major should go wrong, but you know how things can be. Just thought I'd better warn you all now, you know, just in case later it's impossible do to attending the site's funeral.

I Order You To Hang Up! If You Don't, We'll Be Delivered To Jail

The order a pizza, then rob the delivery person when it gets to where you are trick has been done many times by many people, sometimes even successfully. But if you're considering trying it yourself, you'll want to think about leaving out the wrinkle that 19-year-old Kevon Whitfield and his group of friendsput in.

Police say that someone called Topper's Pizza in Clifton early Monday morning and placed a large order. The customer apparently forgot to hang up the phone, and the employee who took the order stayed on the line heard a plan to rob the delivery driver for the order. The worker called 911, and an undercover police officer replaced the normal delivery driver. When the undercover officer delivered the pizzas, the suspects took the pizza and ran.

They didn't get far, and Whitfield and a 14-year-old friend have been charged with robbery. Police arrested more people, but they aren't saying how many or if they'll be in any trouble.

If She Takes Off, Who's Watching The Kids?

ThisBurger King storyjust won't end.

Let's see, where are we now?

Nekiva Hardy hascome clean about who she is,and thankfully she's admitted that none of her children were with her on the trip. Why did she say they were? Well, if you've got your kids with you, you're less likely to be kept in custody. It's her theory, not mine.

Speaking of custody and jail and charges, she's none too pleased with the police, who she says are charging her with waaaaaaay too many things.

Claiming that Florida law enforcement officials “want all the publicity,” Nekiva Hardy, 30, said she has been hit with a felony and three additional misdemeanors because investigators think “this girl is making a joke of it. She has so many views on YouTube.”

If she's making a joke of it, I'm not sure she knows. I'm starting to get the feeling that this is her all the time.

She did get one thing right, however.

"Florida is a jacked up state."

But back to Hardy being Hardy, even when things are her fault, they aren't her fault.

"I ain’t blaming nobody but myself,” she says. "I pulled that girl’s hair, that’s a simple battery. I’m guilty of that." But, she adds, "Them bitches ticked me off."

So since she knows she's guilty of something, she'll surely be turning herself in peacefully to face the music, yes?

Um, nope.

“Fuck them, they’ll have to come and get me.” She added, however, “It’s gonna be hard to find me.”

I doubt we'll be seeing her tales of life on the run in a future episode of I Almost Got Away With It, but I can pretty much guarantee that a few of the tags reserved around here for the not so bright among us are gonna be gettin' a serious workout.

The Return Of E5?

There has to be something going on here that can't be controlled, either that or somebody has just up and lost his damn mind.

Twitter is telling me that instead of going with the idea I had at the end of last year of using Edwin Encarnacion as a designated hitter and putting somebody at 3rd with a good arm to help out poor Adam Lind who is new to 1st base, Encarnacion is moving back to 3rd and Jose Bautista, who was supposed to be at 3rd, is heading out to right field again.

I've got no problem with Bautista playing out there. It never hurts to have a guy with that kind of arm playing that position. But unless something's drastically changed, a guy with the kind of arm Encarnacion's been known to have throwing to an unproven 1st baseman, that hurts. They don't call the guy E5 for nothing.

The one thing Encarnacion has going for him is his bat, and playing him at DH was the perfect way of taking advantage of that while keeping him the fuck away from situations that involved throwing a ball. Now it looks like Juan Rivera will slide into the DH spot and while I could be wrong, I've got a feeling he's not going to be anything like the kind of hitter Encarnacion is.

I hope I'm wrong. It's happened before. Like most things I'm willing to wait and see how it all turns out, but this has me confused and a bit upset right now. I can't wait to hear an explanation. It sure better be a good one.

Her Story Is As Real As The Meat In A Fast Food Hamburger

Last week, you all heardthe amazing story of Kimesa Smith.If you've somehow managed to forget, she's the one who busted up the Burger King during spring break after being dissatisfied with the service.

Believe it or not, things have just taken another twist. Turns out that Kimesa Smith didn't trash any restaurant,Nekiva Vonte Hardy did. Kimesa Smith is an acquaintance of Hardy and was quite surprised to hear that she had been in Florida raising hell, mostly because she's currently on probation and can't leave the state of Alabama without permission.

Along with the fake name, Hardy also gave the police a bogus age and home address. She reportedly told them that she was 23, a myth that had already been debunked by the time I wrote last week's post.

By the way, if you're going to do the alias thing, go all the way with it. Giving out email addresses to reporters with your real name in them is just asking for trouble.

At the conclusion of a telephone interview last week, “Smith” asked a reporter to send her an e-mail with a link to the TSG story about her arrest. She provided an address with “nekivahardy” in it. Asked about the address, she claimed that it was the name of her grandmother, who had recently died, and she was using it as a tribute.

And here's a surprise. Hardy has been arrested before. More than once. cocaine possession, criminal mischief, and hindering prosecution. Those are the ones listed, but who knows, there could be more.

Speaking of more, the list of charges over the Burger King incident has been updated. It's now felony criminal mischief, two counts of misdemeanor battery, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. And now that the not being who she said she was thing is out in the open that list is likely to grow a bit more, though it hasn't yet.

At Our Resting Place

It's been a bad weekend for Canadian entertainers. FirstRoger Abbott,and nowTerry Sumsion.Strangely enough, both were 64, both died of horrible diseases (Abbott of leukemia and Sumsion from cancer), and both, as best I can tell, passed away on Saturday the 26th of March.

Even though he was around forever and recorded what seemed like a million songs,Our Lovin' Placeis the first one that always comes to mind when I hear his name. My dad loves this song and was constantly singing it when I was little, to the point where I sometimes here his voice instead of Terry's when it comes on.

Thanks to Brad and the Shoe Thief for letting me know about this. It's Monday afternoon and I've still seen nothing about him on any of the news sites I visit, music or general. I thought at first it was one of those death hoaxes that have become so popular, but I have a feeling it's real, especially since I recognize the name of the person who wrote the tribute I linked to.

Cancer is a real bastard.

Roger Abbott Takes His Final Flight

Roger Abbott, one of the stars of Royal Canadian Air Farce, hasdied of leukemia at the age of 64.

Definitely news I wasn't expecting to hear today. I had no idea he was sick, but as it turns out almost nobody did. He was diagnosed 14 years ago and kept it secret from all but a few close friends and family until about a week ago. Knowing this makes me respect the guy even more. I'm sure to him it was no big deal, but being as consistently funny and creative as he was for so long while dealing with that can't have been easy.

Thanks for all the laughs, roger. And while I'm at it, thanks for getting me turned on to so many great comedians back in the days when Comedy Classics was Air Farce's summer replacement on CBC Radio. I loved that show.

Speaking of laughs, how about a few videos?

A Politically Correct Minute.Writing a more PC version of the national anthem. Sons but no daughters is not ok, and there are a lot of other things wrong with it, too.

Sticking with that theme, here'sA Politically Correct Christmas.

Jean Chretien explains what will happen to health care if the Conservatives are re-elected.This makes me feel really old, and aside from the fact that there's no more Chretien, it's an interesting case of the more things change,the more they stay the same.

An Olympic Moment: The Two Man Luge.If you've ever wondered what those guys talk about as they're speeding down the track, now you know.

Leonard Cohen sings depressing songs for a cold dark dreary night.Glad I found this one, it's one of my favourites. Even now I'll sometimes catch myself singing "can you believe I'm singing this?"

I tried to find some News From Away clips, but I'm coming up empty. I'm also sure I left out a lot of other great stuff. I could sit here for hours and still not remember everything, there's so much.

Thanks again Roger, and enjoy heaven. A multi-denominational religion non-specific heaven, of course.

Tinted Sheen, The New Best Idea Ever

Greg Leuch has done it again.

Who is Greg Leuch?

He's only a man to whom the world owes a debt of gratitude that shall never be repaid.

Yes, he's theShaved Bieberguy.

He's come through for us all again in the form ofTinted Sheen,which works about the same way as the Bieber blocker does, only this time it removes mentions of that over-hyped, woman abusing, media dominating nonsense spewing maniac Charlie Sheen.

Block Charlie Sheen and more from the Internet by downloading the plugin for Firefox or Chrome, and never again worry about seeing his name or face.

Downloaded over 22322 times!

Download links and info can be found above.

If Greg Leuch happens to be reading this, I have an idea for your next project. Can you make versions of your programs that will cause Sheen and Bieber to disappear from radio, television and annoying people?

Your Way, Not So Much Right Away

Ok, where to begin? So much going onhere.

Mother of 4 Kimesa Smith, enjoying a trip to spring break with a few of the little ones, ran into some fast food service that was too far to the opposite end of fast for her liking. Since you're reading this here, you know what happens next.

Smith, 31, argued with Burger King employees before jumping atop the front counter, where she swung at workers and threw a large plastic jug at them (the jug apparently was used to collect charitable donations).

Smith, a Montgomery, Alabama resident, also allegedly pulled the hair of a fast food worker and threw other items at employees. She was joined in these pursuits by several acquaintances, none of whom were charged.

Um, why not?

In an interview, Smith said that the confrontation began after she complained to workers about the tardy delivery of the Whopper Jr. and french fries she had ordered. She recalled exclaiming loudly, “Damn, these folks are slow.”

After waiting 20 minutes for the items, Smith said she flung the bag of food at workers with whom she had quarreled. Smith also copped to, among other things, throwing another customer’s drink at wokers, pulling the manager’s hair, and throwing the coin jug.

“We tore the Burger King up,” she remarked. “I don’t play no games.”

And just why was it so important that this meal arrive without delay? the answer, amazingly, involves slightly more common sense than you might expect.

In anticipation of a night of drinking, Smith said she went to the Burger King to “get something in my stomach.”

Night of drinking, you wonder to yourself. How young did this woman become a mother? Didn't I just read that she was only 31? Man, her kids would have to be pretty young, wouldn't they?

Why yes, in fact you did, and yes, in fact they would.

Describing herself as a “first time spring breaker,” Smith, a mother of four, said she had traveled Friday to Florida with friends and three of her children, the youngest of which is two and has cerebral palsy.

Note to any parents thinking of following a similar path: When you hear about how responsible moms and dads take their kids for shots and give them bottles, this is not what people are talking about.

Speaking of responsible parents, just where are the kids at this point, anyway?

After arriving at a police substation, Smith asked cops “where her children were at.” She then told officers “she had her 2 children with her” at the beach. But when an officer sought details about the children, Smith was uncooperative and “very vague.” Cops did not have enough information to report the children as missing.

So yeah. for all anybody knows, they could still be hangin' out by the water, or perhaps waiting to get some fast food. They might even be looking for the third kid, the one who apparently didn't make it to the beach.

And naturally, this isn't all Smith's fault. Is it ever in these cases?

Smith said that Burger King employees bear some responsibility for the altercation. “When I walked in they had no smiles on their faces. We weren’t treated fairly,” she said. Having herself previously worked at McDonald’s and Church’s Chicken, Smith added, “I know how to greet my customers.”

“If I knew what was gonna happen,” Smith said, “I would’ve gone to Taco Bell.”

Amazing.

Speaking of amazing, there's a video shot by a fellow customer!You can watch that herewhile I figure out how the hell many tags this post is going to need.

Quickly! To The Toxic Waste Fallout Shelter!

Here's a surprise.

Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars,a lovely sounding confection made in Pakistan and imported to the United States, has been recalled. Yes, all of it. Every bar ever made by the company dating back to 2007 is subject to the warning. Good luck getting some of those back, unless you're going to be digging them out of unfortunates who didn't get the memo in time.

So why, you ponder, were these wonderful concoctions recalled? For containing dangerously high levels of Toxic Waste, of course.

Tests showed that the cherry flavoring in the chew bars contained extremely high levels of lead — 0.24 parts per million when the U.S. limit is 0.1.

"That potentially could cause health problems, particularly for infants, small children, and pregnant women," the Food and Drug Administration said.

Would now be a good time to ask why infants are eating Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars, or should I wait? Do they also come in a baby food version for those who aren't totally sold on the whole being a parent business?

If you are an American infant and have consumed any of this stuff, you might want to get in touch with Circle City Marketing and Distributing, the company responsible for bringing the not so yummies to your tummy. NO kids, I'm not sure if they have a sickly baby cry interpreter on staff, so just do your best.

Seriously. Infants?

A Public Service Announcement From Your Pet Loving Friends At The Vomit Comet

Today is both National Puppy Day and Near Miss day. So if you can't find your dog, check under a car.

Lights, Camera, Guilty!

We didn't know the names Joshua VanSlyke, Anthony VanSlyke or Gregory Williams when we built theMaster Criminalssection, but they were exactly the type of fellas we had in mind at the time.

Here they areproviding running commentary as they head over to a buddy's house...to rob the guy. Not even the clear sound of sirens and the statement that there are cops all over the place were enough to stop them, they were still gonna pull this off.

Guess what. They didn't quite pull it off. Surprising I know.

All 3 are headed for trials after turning down plea deals that would have netted them each 21 months in custody and 3 years probation.

Here's a description of some of the action in the video, thanks toThe Smoking Gun.

In the incriminating videos, Williams is seen wearing a black t-shirt, Anthony VanSlyke has on a black and white hoodie, while his brother Joshua wears a grey “Zoo York” hoodie.

In the first clip, the men discuss how they will use a screwdriver to pry the hinges off the door. In the second clip, they speak about the possibility of encountering a security system at the targeted residence. As police sirens can be heard in the background of the third clip, one man remarks, “We don’t give a fuck.” Finally, the fourth clip shows Joshua VanSlyke announcing, “We’re in this nigger’s backyard.” To which Williams adds, “This is real.” The clip ends with a shot of Anthony VanSlyke at the home’s back door.

He Was, And It's A Good Bet He'll Be Back

Here's a stupid idea.

After being arrested for passing some fraudulent cheques, Michael Coe, 24, was cooling his heels in a police interview room, waiting his turn. Rather than bad cheques, now he was left to pass the time. And as sure as I'm writing the words you are reading right now, he could have found a much better way of doing so than what he came up with.

Whether he forgot, had no idea or just plain didn't care, the notion that interrogation rooms are almost always outfitted with cameras was not of concern to him. So with earring in hand, he did what any of us would do...if we were dumb as a brick. Hecarved the words "Mike was here" into the wooden door.

Naturally it didn't take many department resources to catch the vandal, and Mike had criminal damage to government property etched next to his forgery charges in short order.

He's being held in the DeKalb county jail on $10000 bail. Hopefully if he gets the urge to write on something while there he'll at least be smart enough to use an alias.

No Pain, No Gain, No Phone, No Cash, No Weed...

Earl Lee Vogtdefinitely seems to subscribe to the go big or go home philosophy when it comes to smuggling stuff into jail via the trusty ass crack.

According to police, Vogt's anal inventory included a Kyocera cell phone, an MP3 player, ear bud headphones, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in cash.

Colour me impressed...and a wee bit teary-eyed.

Vogt, who was headed to jail after a narcotics-related conviction, also seems to be quite the eloquent sort.

When questioned by a sheriff’s deputy who thought he was feeling discomfort, Vogt denied being in pain, though he noted, “My ass is bleeding.”

Colour me unsurprised...and a wee bit teary-eyed.

What's The Matter, Crump Got Your Tongue?

I want to feel bad foryoung Johnathan Batton,I really do. But I can't. Seriously Johnathan, I understand heat of the moment and all that, but sticking your tongue out while you're face to face with a crazy woman who's house you're moving out of? While you're arguing? And she's already beating you up? Really? You expected what good to come of this, exactly?

According to a Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office report, Johnathan Batton, 25, was moving out of the residence he had shared with Casey Crump, 21, when the couple began to quarrel. Crump allegedly “became physical,” and ripped Batton’s t-shirt off and repeatedly scratched his arm and face.

Then, while they were standing face to face, Batton stuck his tongue at Crump. At that point, a deputy reported, “Johnathan said his tongue was pierced with a stud and when he stuck his tongue out at Casey she reached forward and with her mouth ripped the piercing out of his tongue, splitting his tongue in half.”

Crump then reportedly used a pair of jumper cables to whip Batton on the leg, while forcing her three-year-old daughter to stand in front of his truck so it could not leave.

The case is currently in court, where authorities are doubtless doing their best to understand whatever the hell Batton is lisping about.

The Cozycast Is Finally Here!

Sorry this is going up so late, and sorry for the general neglect of this place over the last little while. Laziness, busyness, illness, hung overness and going out and having funness haven't made for the best of reading lately. Hopefully things can start getting back to normal soon, but to hold you over until that happens, have this.

About a year ago, Carin won a homemade blanket from Ro in a contest. At long last, that blanket and a bonus gift arrived at our door on Friday. So Saturday night, as we promised we would, we hit record and opened it. We also opened some drinks and managed to turn a simple blanket unboxing into a couple hours of fun and stupidity. Don't worry, it's split into 3 parts in order to make things easier for everybody.

I was going to write up detailed show notes with links to all the stuff we talked about, but to be honest, I'm so not feelin' that right now. If you're curious enough about something to want to know more, just ask. There are lots of ways to ask.

Part 1runs about 32 minutes. Topics include but are probably not limited to why we're here, Carin's dog difficulties, how the hell UPS works, why Steve doesn't track packages, the usage of tweeps and words like it including calling a specific person out on the problem she doesn't want to admit she has, why we both almost didn't get on Twitter, why Maggie Laidlaw sucks now and a bit of Guelph city politics, the blog is moving, new slogans and political ads.

Part 2clocks in at 49 minutes. Carin explains the contest and we open the box. Then things go wrong. Actually things kind of go wrong before the box is even open, but that's just because I'm an asshole and enjoy tasteless jokes. There's also some other random talk including religious douchebags on Twitter and things that annoy us about them and religion in general, replacing the C word with a K word, 1000 Ways To die, a horrible injury, the KNFB reader, why technology isn't perfect and an epic fail.

Part 3,AKA the part we didn't think we'd have. the KNFB unbroke within about 3 minutes of us signing off, so we hit record again and did the colour identifying thing. We also talk about why it's kinda dangerous for blind people to wear winter hats, things sighted people do to the blind, blind people who don't represent us well, people who can't text and a couple of huppy stories. We went about 52 minutes here, or about 20 or so minutes longer than perhaps we should have. Ah well, can't win 'em all. Still sorta neat if you've never seen a KNFB reader or a phone that can recognize colours. Besides, a bunch of this was done mainly for a few people so as long as they enjoyed it, I'm ok with that.

Happy downloading.

Time To Leave The Party, Martin Harty.

On Monday, I heard about a 91-year-old republican, Martin Harty, who suggested that all the "defectives" among us should be sent off to Siberia where they could freeze to death and we would be rid of them. I was going to write a steaming post about how awful this was, but it looks like I have good news to share. After the outcry, he has resigned, and the republicans are glad to see him go.

I can't believe the balls on this man, talking to a woman who runs a community mental health program and saying this. His balls continue to grow when after people were offended, he said he meant the part about eugenics, but was only joking about Siberia. Oh, so that makes it all so much better.

All I have to say is that people who are 91 had better tread carefully when talking about "defectives". Old bodies tend to break down and not work as they should. He may develop physical disabilities, his brain may not function so well. It appears his brain is already not what it used to be, as his fellow representatives said he was confused and unfocused. So, Mr. Harty, ready to take that trip to Siberia? What, you don't want to go?

As a matter of fact, anyone, at any time, can develop a disability. So, unless you're ready to be called useless and defective yourself, you'd better watch it with that kind of talk.

Eugenics. Blech. I didn't think that word showed up anymore as something people actually believed in currently.

CNIB Partners With AFB, Launches Career Connect Canada

I just got this emailed to me and thought I'd pass it on. I saw AFB Career Connect in its American form, and it looked neat. It's cool to have something Canadian.

Good Morning. 

I’m delighted today to announce the launch of CareerConnect Canada, a new online employment networking and mentoring program offered in partnership with the American Federation for the Blind (AFB). This exciting initiative marks an important step towards CNIB’s strategic goal of providing training, support and technology for blind and partially sighted adults to help them achieve satisfying employment. 

CareerConnect Canada is one of several online initiatives CNIB is developing in order to provide an enhanced level of service for people who are blind or partially sighted. Originally launched by AFB in the U.S., it’s a free resource that will enable Canadians who are blind or partially sighted to learn about the range and diversity of jobs performed by other adults with vision loss, including their keys to success.  

Who is it for?

Located at
www.cnib.ca/careerconnect,
CareerConnect Canada is the perfect resource for:

• Students looking to explore their career paths
• Job seekers investigating work options
• Employers looking to diversify their workforce
• Professionals who work with people who are blind or partially sighted,
or
• friends and family members assisting someone living with vision loss 

How does it work?

The program enables job seekers to connect online with mentors who are already working in their desired fields. These mentors, who are also blind or partially sighted, come from a variety of backgrounds and offer a wealth of knowledge that can help guide job seekers by providing insight into a specific industry and sharing key lessons learned along the way to achieving their own career goals.  

How you can help support the program

• Tell your clients. Invite clients who might be looking to explore their job options or even change career paths.
• Spread the word to your professional networks. If you have contacts at other organizations interested in learning more about employing someone with vision loss, direct them to the website so they can find and speak with a mentor in their industry.
• Sign up as a mentor. Do you have a friend or colleague who has vision loss and would be a great role model for a job seeker? If so, invite them to become a mentor – or better yet, considering becoming one yourself! 

Although CareerConnect Canada is only available in English at this time, we are presently exploring options for delivering it in multiple languages moving
forward. I look forward to keeping you apprised on future developments. 

If you have any questions about CareerConnect Canada, please contact me or visit
www.cnib.ca/careerconnect.
Now, let’s start the connections!! 

Tim Alcock

Vice President, Marketing & Communications

CNIB

1929 Bayview Avenue

Toronto, ON  M4G 3E8 

T: 416-486-2500 ext. 7690

Kinda neat. I might have to check this out.

If I Said I Was Amused, That Would Also Be A Hoax

I'm ok with people telling Japan jokes. In fact if I had any I'd post the good ones here. But there's a line where funny becomes not funny, and for me that line most definitely comes somewhere before the point ofusing the Google people finder site to hoax people into thinking that their loved ones are dead.

Sydney-based Russell told of his distress Tuesday after finding a message on the Google site Saturday afternoon saying the 21-year-old woman had been confirmed dead at a hospital in the devastated coastal town of Ofunato, where she had been teaching English for nine months.

It cited the name and telephone number of a real hospital, but gave a fake doctor’s name. Her father said frantic friends in Japan were able to telephone the hospital and confirm the deception.

“There are some evil people out there,” said Russell, a 48-year-old publisher. “Her employer told me other people had suffered the same hoax as well.”

Morons Have Been Located, No Sign of Baals though

I thought I'd post a couple of updates to some other stories we've done recently that had, hmmm, interesting names in them.

Remember the building to be named Harry Baals Government Center? Well, despite an overwhelming majority voting for that name, it will be called Citizens Square. The lame answer that was given as to why they wouldn't name it after the ex mayor was "They didn't want to name it after any person." Translation? If we named it after another person who wasn't as well-liked just because he didn't have a name like Harry Baals, the Harry Baals fans would be mad. So, don't name it after anyone.

And in more happy news, the fugitive Moron has been arrested. I'm sure anyone who knew him would feel better already.

And that's it for now.

Bread To The Head And Do Harm To An Arm

Steven Weiner seems like a special individual. He was waiting in line at a bakery for a sample of bread, and for some reason the elderly woman in front of him was getting on his nerves. He claims she called him an idiot, but her friend says Weiner started the fight. I'm going to side with the woman's friend.

I have to mention that this elderly woman had a broken arm that was in a sling. So, Weiner, showing his complete lack of anything resembling decency, punched her arm and rebroke it. He also threw bread in her face. Classy!

Who knew the bakery could be a place for a fight? Like gees, it's bread.

It Was Sonic Good For Me, Was It Sonic Good For You?

I'm not going to bother asking the obvious question here, that being what kind of guy masturbates in front of the window at a Sonic drive-through? I know the answer, and his name isKevin Ferrier.

What I'm more interested in is how he was able to do it right in front of a female worker and a security camera for 8 minutes without anybody doing anything. I'm not sure how many of you have been in a drive-through line, but I'll bet it's pretty close to everyone. Besides waiting for your so-called fast food to pop out the window, have you ever been able to do anything in one of those lines for 3 minutes let alone 8 without somebody getting upset? Not a chance! Somebody's always laying on the horn or hurling profanities out the window if you take a second too long to decide between a number 7 or a number 10. And I've never seen it, but I've got a pretty good feeling that more than a few folks have come to blows over line speed. But pulling out the old Sonic Burger and brewing up a fresh batch of your special manly mayo, no problem. How does that work?

If You Can't Trust Your Dealer, Who Can You Trust

"Hello, 911? Yes. My name is Antonio Recinos and I would like to lodge a complaint.

"So what happened was I was trying to buy...Oh excuse me operator, I see one of Connecticut's finest in the area, so if you don't mind I'll skip the middle man and present my concerns directly. thank you, you have been most helpful.

"Excuse me, officer? Officer? Officer! Yes. I wish to complain about a shady businessman. Do you see this, officer? Yes, this small bag in my hand. This bag *should* contain $40 worth of cocaine, because that's what I paid for. However as you can plainly see as a man of experience in these matters, this is by no means the appropriate amount. I, officer, have been shorted, and request that justice be done and reparations be made.

"Pardon me? Well yes, as a matter of fact I have been drinking. And while I'm sure that possession is very much against the law, so to is not holding up your end of a deal. We had a contract!

"Oh, you wish me to accompany you to the station? By all means, I would be happy to provide a statemen...Interesting, I don't recall witnesses being handcuffed. Is this a new procedure? Come to think of it, thearresting them for narcotics possession and giving them a March 30th court datepart is also a new one. But whatever you say, you're making the rules. Just as long as I don't end up in a cell with that filthy con artist."

This Makes Me Take Baby Baby Baby Steps Towards The Edge Of Sanity

Because I can't fit this into 140 characters forTwitter,here's today'sperfect storm of utter fail.

1. There is a museum in Toronto dedicated to famous shoes. Do people actually go there? Willingly? Besides the ones who work there?

2. Justin Bieber's shoes are in it. Yes, already. Kid's been a pop star for what, 14 minutes? The story mentions that Terry Fox's shoes are also there, so compared to that, this Bieber kid has no more right to have his footwear displayed there than I do. Terry Fox's shoes accomplished something amazing. Justin Bieber's shoes have done what exactly? Other than make funny feelings in the insides of girls and a few boys who aren't old enough to understand why they like him yet, the answer is nothing.

3.

Prior to the unveiling, the kids watched a performance by Landon Holmes, a 12-year-old Bieber tribute artist from Woodstock, Ont.

Holmes sang an assortment of Bieber hits and even pulled one girl on stage to serenade her and give her an autographed poster of himself.

Justin...Bieber...tribute...artist.

I know the kid's 12, but I don't like the path he's going down. There's still time to straighten up, fly right and change your ways, young man. Go do something respectable with your time, like throw rocks at all the Bieber-loving girls because they're gross.

but what really bugs me is that I thought you had to be around for a while and have more than 3 songs before tribute bands started popping up and cashing in on your name. But maybe with our short attention spans these days nobody can wait that long anymore.

Ug. Just...ug.

You're Charging Me With Bribery? How About I Charge You With Wanting Me

A question I often ponder (and by often I mean constantly since I readthe story)), is who could possibly resist the charms of a man driving erratically on a green moped?

Well, thanks to officer Christin Rudell, my pondering days are through. Not only did she turn away the advances of Adam Yarbrough, she also gave him a nice list of charges to remember her by.

Yarbrough was pulled over at 11:45 last night after Rudell spotted him “swerving in his lane” on his green moped. After Rudell, 31, ticketed him for several vehicular infractions, Yarbrough said, "How about we call it even and I give you five dollars and you just get rid of this ticket and let me go?"

Though Rudell explained that “there would be no exchange and that he needed to take the citation,” Yarbrough persisted. This time, according to the report, Yarbrough said, “OK if you won't take the money how about I give you a kiss? And well I haven't had sex in a while so how about we do that?"

Rudell then arrested Yarbrough for bribery.

Yarbrough “continued to make sexually explicit remarks” and yell profanities, Rudell noted, adding that she asked him several times to lower his voice. When he refused to comply, the cop “added disorderly conduct to his charges.”

There's no mention of intoxication of any kind, but I've got a hunch. For young Adam's sake, I hope that hunch is correct.

On Writing What You Know

I started out leaving this as a comment underCarin's post,but decided as I got going that I'd slap it up here instead.

From time to time we get those "Hey! I know that guy, he's really nice, this is sad, you're an asshole and you're not funny. this is a tragic story" type comments. And while I totally see where those people are coming from, sorry, it is funny.

I think I have some room to speak here.

I've talked a bit about my dad here and I know lots of my friends know a bit about him. If you're new, I'll give you a Q and D. My dad was a hard worker. Would go out of his way to help a friend. Guy could fix anything. He could also build it. Unfortunately, he'd also drink it. Booze came before anything else. He lost his family, his house and eventually his health because of it...and still hasn't learned. He drank himself to a stroke at 51. He can't use one of his arms, and he's lucky he can still kind of drag his bad leg around. He's also got permanent brain damage.

Is all of this sad? Sure it is. But do I still tell jokes about it? You bet the coupon up your ass I do. And you know why? Because stupidity is funny, and he's got nobody to blame but himself.

I'm one of those people who thinks that you have to find humour in things no matter how awful. How else are you going to stay sane? So if it takes me telling people that I would have been born an American if my dad hadn't seen a billboard that said "drink Canada Dry" to make it easier to deal with the fact that he threatened more than one of us with death, I'm going to tell people that. If calling him Wobbly Pop instead of dad can amuse some people into forgetting how fucking embarrassing he is to be around at parties, then Wobbly Pop he is.

In a broader context, humour helps make sense out of situations where there seems to be none, and failing that, it can at least lighten the mood and help people move on from bad situations. And in the case of stupid people who get hit by trains while listening to music or scratching lottery tickets or walk into jail with a prison survival kit in their dumpers, I'm sorry, but that's funny. I'm sure the circumstances that brought them to that point aren't good ones, but if I can laugh at my dad, surely you can see how something so ridiculous might amuse somebody.

It would be hard to write a VC style story about somebody I knew, but I'm almost positive I'd do it, and fair being fair, it would only be right. I hope I never have to, but one way or another, pretty much everybody's got a story.

The 100 Mile Market Rocks

Remember back when I said we were going to try out the Fresh at Home program? Well, we did, and we're pretty impressed.

The site is workable, but it has some small accessibility wrinkles. For one, for no apparent reason, the whole nav bar doesn't appear until you've moved over the link that says grocery a couple of times. Then they all show up. I don't know what's up with that, but once they've appeared, they stay until you go to another page. Then you have to do the little dance to make them come back.

Also, the button that means add items to cart just says image1button or something. Once you learn what that means, you're off to the races.

We managed to place an order, and set it all up for delivery, and didn't do too bad for all the stuff we bought. A whole bunch of meat, cheese, cheese curds (mmm), eggs, apples, and mushrooms for about 70 bucks. And there was a heap of bacon, sausages, pork chops and ham in there.

Then I made an error upon checkout, and that started a pretty cool conversation. They emailed me to check which day I wanted to pick up my stuff, and we started emailing back and forth.

The first cool thing they said was if anyone had significant trouble with the site, they could place an order over the phone. And then, because I said I wasn't sure how I was going to find the depot and asked for some directions that a blind guy could use, they offered to deliver our stuff to our door! Um, thank you, you guys rock my world!

Next, we got an email a couple of days before the day it was supposed to come in, showing what had been charged. I noticed that it was a few dollars less than what we had ordered. It turns out the hams weren't available, and the mushrooms were of poor quality this week. Do you know what that means? They won't sell you sucky food. Pretty cool.

The box of goodness showed up on Saturday, and it is for sure awesome. I think we may just order up another box of goodness today. Or according to those silly Ontario food commercials, would it be a box of the good?

So, if you live in Guelph, Kitchener or Burlington I think it is, and you want some local food, check out the 100 Mile Market, and sign up for their Fresh at Home program. You'll be very happy.

Hey, Hahahah Look At The Homeless Guy With The Stuff Up His...Woe, Neil?

When I first saw this story about this guy having 30 items inside his rectum, I didn't feel the need to blog it. After this guy, everything pales in comparison.

But now that I've read this story about how this author knew Neil Lansing, the fellow with the butt-load of smuggled goods, I thought this needed a link.

I have to thank Luke O'Neil for not suddenly turning on us and saying we're all wrong. After all, he's one of us and likes a good ridiculous story as much as the next guy. But it would be hard to see a childhood friend show up in the annals, har har, of weird news. Probably if I saw that, it would break my heart.

And I also have to thank him for using the word butthurt. Now Steve's not the only person I've heard say it.

But he did make me feel just a little bit ashamed of making fun of all these dudes. At least our blog has more stuff than just that. Oh hell there's a lot of ridiculous/stupid stories, but there's a lot of other stuff too. I hope people who come here see it that way.

iBad...At Math...And Music...And Life...

I'm struggling to figure out who's made of more fail inthis situation. Is it Hazem Sayed, the fellow who parted with $900 to buy Amanda Foote's spot in an iPad 2 line (iPads cost around $500), or is it Amanda herself because she sat in the rain for nearly 2 days to make 300 bucks?

But Steve, you just said she made $900. Isn't that pretty good?

It is, until you stop and consider that after her first hour, somebody offered her $600 to take her place but she turned it down. So yes, she sat out in the rain on only 3 hours sleep to make an extra $300. I'm bad at math,but per hour that's less than minimum wage, at least it is where I'm from.

But it gets worse.

So what is young Amanda going to do with her hard earned cash? Will she invest it? Use it to pay for part of her education? Put it in a box for a rainy day (see what I did there)? Why of course not, you silly fool. She's going to do what you'd expect somebody like this to do...buy Lady Gaga tickets.

So this brings us back to the who fails more question. I've put a lot of thought into it, and I'm pretty sure it's Amanda.This video was a big help,plus the Hazem guy who bought it is an app developer. If he's successful he's making his money back pretty quickly, while all Amanda has is a couple hours worth of shitty concert and a spot on the Vomit Comet.

Yup, fail.

#Twitterfail

One of the cool things about Twitter is its versatility. You can use it on lots of different apps and in lots of different ways. That is what made it so easy for people to tweet from anywhere.

Well, now Twitter is trying to kill that. It has decided that there should be no more third party Twitter clients, allegedly because they want the experience to be as uniform as possible. What about leaving that choice up to users?

It makes me so angry when big companies forget their roots. It's all these clients that caused Twitter to be as successful as it is. Now, to have Twitter go and kick developers in the balls like that is disgusting. Also, to have such little respect for the users is pretty disappointing. Don't tell me you know what's best for me in the user experience department. This especially eats me up because 9 times out of 10, makers of mainstream stuff don't get accessibility. So maybe I have a solution that makes it usable. To lock that out because you say you know what's best for me is a fail. You don't.

The Twitter website is a perfect example of that. I would never ever use that as my steady access to Twitter. I use the Qwitter client because it makes it very easy for me. Other people use other clients because they work for them. We know what interface works best for you, you don't. Get your hands off my Twitter experience. Let me have what I want.

I hope Twitter regrets this decision and reverses it. For a company that has been described as being the key to freedom of information, they sure aren't allowing much freedom in how people can get that information out there.

Rich People Suck. By The Way, Can I Have More Money?

Not voting for Maggie Laidlaw in the last municipal election is a decision I regret less and less with each passing day.Here's the latest.

Coun. Maggie Laidlaw surprised a lot of debate watchers when she said she has used a Google tool to investigate the lifestyle of people who complain to her about city hall spending and taxes.

Her comment came during a debate Wednesday on a motion by Coun. Cam Guthrie to have council members reject 2011 pay increases, as a symbolic gesture to Guelph residents.

“I think we need to make a statement as a council about our salary increases this year,” said Guthrie, a rookie Ward 4 councillor who made this an election campaign promise last year.

Coun. Bob Bell agreed. “I think we need to lead by example when we negotiate with our employees. They need to understand there isn’t the loose cash available that there was in the past.” Laidlaw then raised some eyebrows when she said she’s used a Google tool to check on the housing of local residents who have emailed her to complain about taxes and spending.

“When you happen to ‘Google Map’ those addresses, they are all living in pretty nice houses,” sometimes with a boat as well as a number of autos, she said.

“I don’t pay much attention to those emails anymore,” she told council.

Laidlaw also dismissed concerns about seniors being unable to afford higher property taxes.

“Senior citizens on fixed incomes need not have any increase in taxes until they leave their homes,” because of a program that allows property tax hikes to be deferred for such people, she said.

I think, though increasingly you never know with this woman, that I understand the point she may have been trying to make. Rich people are the last ones who should be bitching about taxes going up. They can afford it, the impact on their lifestyles won't be that great.

But understanding her point doesn't make it any less wrong. A person getting himself into a position where owning a nice house and a couple of luxuries is possible by no means makes that person rich. All it means is that somebody is or was doing ok, and being comfortable is what everybody should work towards. It's no sin to be doing fine. Besides, what if that boat/extra car was a gift? Hey, it happens.

And even if there was no gift, Google Maps? The hell are you doing, you maniac?

Wait, I'll answer that. What you're doing is engaging in the exact kind of discrimination you like to rail against. Fighting for the rights of the disadvantaged does not mean and should not involve ignoring/dumping on those who don't outwardly look like they're in trouble. Then again, ignoring people who don't think exactly as she does appears to be how Maggie Laidlaw operates. Roundabout, anyone?

I wonder how much of a salary increase it would take to get her to stop talking and go away. At this point it'd be money well spent...as long as she doesn't use that money to buy anything fun.

It's Way Better Than Raising Your Child, It's Passing Out In A Wendy's!

Raising a child can be hard work. But it should never be such hard work that it causes mom and dad tosaunter into a Wendy's and pass out, leaving their 5-year-old daughter to talk to strangers a couple tables away.

Police say it was very difficult to wake the pair up and they had to shake the couple several times.

When Kristy Haney woke up, officers asked for her ID. She opened her purse, and police say they found a bag of marijuana and a "hose clamp" in plain view inside. They also allegedly found two cut straws, a couple of opana pills and a bottle of diazepam filled with 60 pills.

Both Kristy and husband Keven are charged with possession of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of controlled substances and endangering the welfare of a minor.

Question: Is it weird that I'm kind of disappointed that we never get to find out what if anything they ordered? I think it is, but for some reason it feels like an important detail.

The Newer, Softer Criminal

They just don't make criminals like they used to.

Our first case of what the hell is Timothy Chapek. He broke into someone's house, inexplicably took a shower, then heard the homeowners come home, and freaked out. Did he hide in a closet or maybe wait for them to go away or perhaps try to be all menacing? No. he called 911, saying he was afraid of their dogs and that there might be guns. I love these 911 calls. Just listen to the homeowner's, and then his. I love all the barking of the dogs. Part of his appears to have gone all weird, but you get the drift.

Our next gutless criminal is Joseph Colquitt. He came to Wallgreens intending to rob it. But he just couldn't go through with it, so handed the knife over to the clerk and told him to do what he had to do.

Wow. Two of these in one week. Weird.

The Unthinkable Was Certainly Not Untried

In the 1950's, lots of attrocities happened at residential schools. According to this class action lawsuit, W. Ross Macdonald was not immune.

If all of this stuff went down the way they say it did, somebody needs to pay, and in a perfect world, I'd like to see some folks go to jail, even though I never will see that satisfaction. Residential schools are a scary idea, especially considering the long stints where kids would stay before seeing anybody outside of there. It leaves them vulnerable to being abused, whether the kids have a disability or not.

When I was there, things were pretty good. I definitely did see some incidents where some staff would abuse their power, and other staff would discourage students from advocating for themselves, saying "think of the repercussions." But I also saw a lot of staff who had the kids' best interests at heart, and a very special few staff who would push us to stand up for what we needed. At any rate, the W. Ross Macdonald School I attended was not the one painted in this lawsuit.

But don't think I don't believe this stuff didn't happen. I have no reason to doubt what I'm hearing. I know of the guy leading the suit, and although I don't know him well, I have 0 reason to believe he's making this up.

I'm completely conflicted. I'm afraid this suit will end up doing more damage to the current students who are there, and it will really not touch the people who are in need of paying for what happened back then. But I certainly don't think these things should slip silently out of memory and go without people being held accountable. I can't imagine living under those conditions, and probably having even less of a voice than your average kid would have.

We'll have to see what happens.

There Was Some Measure Of Justice, But Not Enough

Well, there's an update on the Central High School rape case, and it's not a good one.

Someone who was responsible for the loss of all that evidence and the way they handled the victim has been charged with a crime, but the crime is not nearly what it should be. I would have thought obstruction of justice would have been a fine charge with which to saddle some school officials. But all the school principal got was failure to immediately report child abuse or neglect, a misdemeanor. Just laughable, and speaks to how seriously people tend to take sexual assault cases.

Damn it, I was hoping that bunches of school officials would get raked over the coals for this.

Which Is He? A Woman Or A Baby?

This little incident just may have revealed bigger problems with this family.

An unnamed 17-year-old Orlando boy was laying on his bed with his 12-year-old sister and a 9 mm pistol. Yup, just layin' on the bed with the gun. For reasons only the boy will comprehend, he thought it would be a good idea to try and tie the gun to his leg. it went off, shooting a bullet through his scrotum. The bullet then was lodged in his right thigh.

When police and fire people showed up, he was taken to Winnie Palmer Hospital for Women and Babies, which I think is an appropriate place to take a dude who shot himself in the balls. His mom could not be found that night, and he will be facing a few charges to do with minors having loaded weapons.

Yeah, strapping a loaded gun to your leg? Not a good activity.

Don't, Sleep In The Dumpster, Darlin'...

Here comes another case of a dude getting loaded into the trash truck with the garbage. But luckily for him he wasn't critically injured or killed.

Darrel Baker was drivin' his garbage truck with a fresh load from a dumpster. Suddenly, somebody knocked on the windshield, and then fell out of the truck's pit. Yup, along with the trash, Baker had loaded a sleeping homeless man into his truck.

The guy must be good stuff, because he just shook it off, stood up and said "I guess I won't do that again." I guess not. Time to find a new place to catch your 40 winks, bud.

These Harmonicas Don't Make Nice Music

I think I may have had a run-in with one of our harmonicas from December. If she's not one of them, she should be considered to be one.

I took Trixie outside for business. As I returned to the door, I could hear someone having considerable trouble with the door. Our door has a long bar, and a specific place where you have to push to open the door. For some reason that I don't understand, she couldn't find it. Then I heard something hit the floor. It didn't sound too bad. It sounded like she might have set something down to prop open the door.

I waited to figure out whether she was coming or going, but she just stood there, obstructing the doorway. I eventually asked her what was going on. All she said was "I'm sorry. I have a baby. It's ok baby." But the baby wasn't crying. I eventually took the door from her and squiggled inside. It was then that I kicked the something that I thought she may have set down to hold open the door.

I said something fell on the floor, and her response was "You should pick it up so someone doesn't trip on it." I thought this was bizarre, but I thought maybe her hands were full. She couldn't manage a door that you push, so who the hell knows. I bent down, went to pick up the thing my foot had kicked, and discovered it was glass! I set it back down and said "My god, it's glass!" at which point she must have tried to pick up a piece too and said "My god, ouch!" What the? It fell right when she was there! How could she not see what it was?

I was starting to lose my patience with her. Here I was, standing in a potential mine field for Trixie, and the only set of eyeballs that could help me navigate were possessed by someone lacking a brain. I said whatever that was fell when she was right there, so did she know what it was, how bad it was, etc. her response? "It must have fallen from the ceiling! I don't know! I didn't see it!" I asked her if she had a cell phone and she said no, but she'd go get her boyfriend. I said I was calling the super, and realized my cell phone was on charge up stairs. Without thinking, I walked towards the elevator. Thankfully there wasn't glass there. As I left, the out of it chick was just standing in the lobby. I cursed myself to the nth degree that I didn't have my cell on me. If I had, I would have stayed right with the glass until it got picked up.

The super came over, and swept up the glass, but she said it didn't look like glass from something that would have fallen from the ceiling or out of the door. It was rounded, like it came from something she dropped. She couldn't believe how out of it this chick sounded.

There are cameras in the lobby, I hope they caught what was going on. It's really disturbing when you meet someone that out of it. Was she high? If she did have a baby in that stroller, is it safe with her?

2 Things That Have Nothing To Do With Each Other

A couple of random things, just because.

The Just For Laughs comedy festival has a YouTube channelnow, and while I haven't done much digging through it yet, I've already come acrossthis great Joey Elias clip,which was one of Carin's favourite parts of the road showwe went to a few years back.

And here, for purposes of both fun and annoyance, isa website that will show you how to play a whole bunch of songs on your phone.Have fun, and you're welcome.

Well, Lunch Is Ruined

Some of you might readthis press releaseand think who in the hell is going to buy WWE decorations to put on their pizza? Certainly a valid question, but it would be kind of neat for kids parties, so it's got that going for it.

But when I read this announcement, what caught my eye was this:

About Pizza Prints™
Pizza Prints™ Edible Image® designs are flat-printed decorations that are made in the USA of starches and FDA-approved edible food colors. The natural cheese flavor of the image complements the pizza. They are manufactured by The Lucks Company, the same inventor of Edible Image® designs for cakes.

Were I to sum up my feelings in a single word, that word would most likely be blarf!

Wow, starches, FDA-approved edible food colors and natural cheese flavour? my mouth is watering just thinking about it. NO wait, that's not water, it's my stomach making its best attempt at an escape. Seriously, none of those things sound like they could do you any harm, do they?

On another note, I'm guilty of not paying as much attention during geography classes as I should have, but I think if there was a place called the USA of starches and FDA-approved edible food colors, I would have noticed. There has to be a better way to word that sentence, and maybe once I get my appetite back I'll come up with it.

I hope the person writing the press releases isn't the same one doing the commercials. If it is, this company is in real trouble.

I Took A Hostage. I Mean Business! This Has To Stop!

I took a blog hostage yesterday. You know, because they say you should always try new things.

Being the nice fellow that I can be about once or twice a year, last night I helped our friend Amanda set up her blog to link her new posts on Twitter for her. she mustn't know me very well, because not only did she call me helpful, but she also gave me the login info for her blog and Twitter account expecting that nothing would go wrong.

Well, as anybody who does know me should be aware, whenever I'm in a position of power, I'm using that position to promote myself, further some kind of agenda or both. Last night I chose agenda furthering. You see, I have a hatred for something, and I don't believe I've mentioned it here. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I was saving it for a special occasion, like the day I decided to abuse someone's trust and take over her blog for purposes of personal gain.

I'm sure you're wondering why I would do such a mean thing to a person I just called a friend a few short sentences ago. There are a couple of reasons. I also said a few short sentences ago that I was nice but twice a year, and after the feed setup, time ran out. Also, once yousee what's gotten me so upset,you'll understand. Really, you will. And if you don't, you're part of the problem.

By the way, all of this agenda pushing has caused me to fall behind on the self promotion aspect of my life. So if you're not following me on Twitter already, I'mhere.And while you're following people, Carin ishere.

There, I feel better now.

His Driving Record Went Down The YouTubes

Man oh man, the people who want to get on YouTube for stupid reasons. This guy won't be going on YouTube, but his videos will get a few views, probably by cops and a jury if he's stupid enough to fight the speeding fine he got.

Police pulled Stanislav Bakanov over for speeding. He said he was making a video for YouTube of his driving. When police looked at the video, it gave them a clear view of his speedometer, with pegged needle. So, with that, away went his chances of getting out of being fined.

Good luck with your YouTube stardom, chief.

Anti-Rabies Shots Bite.

Here's a little note to the woman in Guelph with the two big Bouviers, one of which bit a kid walking his dog. do the right thing, speak up. If you speak up now and let them know whether or not your dogs are up to date on their rabies vaccinations, doctors can make the right decision about what to do next. If you remain nameless and your dogs can't be identified, this boy will have to go through several anti-rabies shots, perhaps unnecessarily. And believe me, if you choose to stay in the shadows, anti-rabies shots will be in his future. They don't mess around. I think you have about ten days to do the right thing.

If you need more convincing, maybe Steve's brother can right about what it was like going through that process. And why would he have to do this, you ask? Well, because some cowardly individual refused to stay at the scene after his stupid dog jumped out the window of a car and bit Steve's brother. The only reason the beast stopped biting him was because he punched it in the face. The spineless motorist stopped long enough to collect his mut, and then drove off. After several days of fruitlessly searching for this guy, it was time for the shots.

So, lady in Guelph with two bouviers who was walking in the Silvercreek Parkway South area, please do the right thing. Get in contact with the Guelph Mercury, who I'm sure could put you in touch with the family. You have the chance to put something right. Do it.

Thoughts On The Troubles In Libya And Everywhere Else

I haven't talked about what's going on in Egypt and Libya and Bahrain And Tunisia and everywhere else over there that I may have forgotten about. It's not that I don't think it's important. I guess it's just that I felt I didn't have anything else to add except holy crap look at the carnage and chaos. Go people for standing up for their rights, but holy crap. Plus, like I felt when the oil spill happened, it felt so overwhelming and there was nothing I thought I could do or say to make a difference.

But now I have a few things to say. I heard something the other day that gave me the uncontrollable urge to go read as much news as possible.

I was out with the French group, and I commented that I wished the lady was out with us who teaches ESL because I wondered if she had any students in her class who had family in Libya, or hell, anywhere over in that part of the world, and I wondered how they were doing. At this point, another member said "What? Something's happening in Libya?"

Jaw, meet floor.

I readily admit I don't know everything that's happening in Libya, but I sure as shit know that *something* is happening there. How could you not? I maybe could understand "Something's happening in Bahrain?" because the media sorta just forgot about them. But Libya?

But I learned something else really sad and unfortunate. When Prime Minister Harper froze Libyan assets held in Canada, that inadvertently froze scholarships being paid out to students studying over here. Can you imagine? You're half a world away from your family, wondering if they're dead or alive, and the money that you rely on to pay tuition and living expenses is yoinked right out of your hands because of what Moammar Gadhafi is doing.

And hey newspapers, figure out how the hell to spell that dude's name, ok? I don't care that it's weird. I want to spell it correctly, and I shouldn't have to play best 2 out of 3 goddamn it.

But on the bright side, it looks like our government is working to fix that scholarship problem, although they're not explaining how, nor had they contacted the Canadian Bureau of International Education to enlighten them on this little update when that article was written. Hopefully that's just a result of bad timing, and everybody will be on the same page soon.

Another trend that's really bugging me is all the stories about gas prices going up, and words like "the Libyan crisis is to blame" being used. I know they have to report on it because it's news, but it upsets me. I think most of us can pay a few more cents at the pumps. What these people are trying to achieve is liberation from a dictator. It seems a little selfish to whine and moan about expensive oil when we see the price the Libyan people are paying, and have paid for years.

The other thing that's bugging me is people's tendancy to compare their various causes to the Libyan crisis. I'm sorry, but that's just petty. Anything I could fight for on the accessibility front is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to what they are fighting for. If I tried to accuse some government entity of being similar to Moammar Gadhafi or Hosni Mubarak, I would hope I would look like a fool in most people's eyes.

But that's exactly what I saw on Twitter. We've talked about Stop the Meter before. And I have nothing against that cause. I hope they win their fight. But a couple of weeks ago, they retweeted the following.

seeing the uprisings all over the world, maybe Bell will be the next dictator to fall. #ubb

Did I miss something? Is Bell killing us? Does Bell have armies in the streets who are attacking protesters who show up at these meetings about usage-based billing? Do people not talk to the media because they fear what Bell would do to their families? No! To compare usage-based billing to what is going on in many countries is disgraceful, and trivializes what they're going through.

Thankfully it wasn't Open Media who actually said that. But they retweeted it and agreed with it. That means they thought it was a good sentiment. That made me so angry that I almost regretted sending them money, and couldn't take their tweets seriously for days. Steve and I yelled at them on Twitter, but they never responded. The dude who sent the original tweet at least had enough balls to respond to me, although he didn't acknowledge Steve. I wonder if that was because he was deluged with "What the hell are you doing, you prick!" tweets. I can at least hope that was the reason.

They're not the only group who has done that. I remember when someone compared not being able to use captchas to Rosa Parks being kicked off a bus. That ruffled a lot of feathers, and rightly so for the same reason. Be careful with your comparisons, people. I understand the desire to use something that has captured a lot of attention to support your point, but it doesn't work if it does more damage than the support you were looking for.

And how the hell do I come out of something so heavy? Maybe I'll rely on Nation of Islam Minister Louis Farrakhan. According to him, among other things,what's going on in the Middle East will be happening in our own backyard. It's going to happen, and when it does, he was praying that Obama would allow protesters to march and wouldn't turn on them.

Um, erm, I know things are bad, but I don't think they're quite that bad here. Something tells me that prediction he heard back in 1985 in that flying saucer was a little off.

Man that post took me forever. I hope it makes some sort of sense. I hope all this death and chaos ultimately leads to positive change. I guess that's all I can hope for.

He Asked You To Do What? And You Did It?

Wow. Speaking of frightening things people fall for...

Steven Demink liked to cruise through online dating sites. He would steal pictures of male models and use them as his headshots. He called himself a psychologist and single father. He would find mothers, and convince them that as some form of therapy, they should engage in sex acts with their children, and live stream him the footage. And seven women obliged, with kids ranging from 3 to 15 years of age!

Excuse me? How desperate and messed up would these women have to be to do this and not have it raise red flags? How could this not scream "Wrong!"? One woman even told her mother about what she did, at which point, her mom called in the cops and got the process rolling to catch this guy.

Seven women did this! Seven! How could they? So what if he promised them dates? So what if he said it would result in healthier children? How could they?

And if he can get charged with what he did, it's not much of a leap to charge William Melchert Dinkel.

Peter Peter Money-Eater

Hmmm. If you're in debt, do you think it's a wise idea to pay out more money to a preacher guy who says he can make your debt go away by supernatural means?If you answered yes, I guess we know why you're in debt.

Peter Popoff is a fraud, plain and simple. All those times he said he was getting info about his audience through God? Yeah, how about no? His wife was feeding him info via an earpiece. Now he tells people that he can supernaturally remove their debt if they just pray...and oh yeah, send him money. Of course, all that happens is he gets rich off these people's desperation.

Oh yeah, and these people should know that he has applied for bankruptcy too. Hmmm. Why couldn't he miraculously erase his own debts?

One of these days, I'm going to fall for some scam, and then carma will come back and bite me hard for laughing at these people for getting scammed. But until then, I can gape in wonder at the things people fall for.

There's A Talking Calculator Older Than The Sharp One!

Have a look at the TSI speech plus, a really old talking calculator. Tell me. Was it huuuge? I wonder exactly how old it was. Let me check.

Wow, it was created in 1976 ish. So...not that old. And by the sounds of it, not that huge. 7.1 inches long by 4.5 inches wide by 1.4 inches high. Maybe kinda big, but not as big as I was expecting.

That's a spooky voice. I don't know what it is about it, but I'm waiting for it to break into All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

Flight Of The Bottlebee

A video of 3 people playing Flight of the Bumblebee on 101 bottles.That is all.

I've Seen Some Crazies In My Time, But This Woman Takes The Cake...And Throws It At You

I have nothing to add tothis,other than that for some reason I want cupcakes now.

A mother trashed a cake shop after being told they had run out of her favourite flavour of cupcake.

With her children beside her, she smashed glass display units and threw cupcakes at customers after being told there were no more 'sweet tooth fairy cakes'.

She even attacked members of staff in her fit of rage.

The shop's owner, Sally Dodd, 43, said: 'The woman went absolutely ballistic when she was told we didn't have the cupcake flavour she wanted - it is called the sweet tooth fairy cake and is very popular.

'She didn't even wait for us to tell her that if she waited we could bake some fresh cupcakes for her.

'She threw herself on the floor ranting and raving while her children screamed and shouted.

'Then she came round to my side of the counter and grabbed me by the hair before I could get out of her way.

'I managed to tear myself free before the woman started smashing glass display units and spilling cakes all over the floor. I've never seen anything like it.

'You expect a certain amount of risk running a bar or a pub but not in a cupcake shop.'

The woman, who did about £400 worth of damage to the place, still has not been found. Police are looking for a woman about 5ft 3in tall between the ages of 35 and 45. She has shoulder-length strawberry blonde hair and was wearing a green coat at the time. she was also described as "well-built," which may or may not mean she's got a nice set of cupcakes.

I'd Say He's Up Shit Creek Now, But He's Probably Already Been There And Liked It

Remember David Truscott? He's the fellow with a thing forgetting himself off on a family's farm because there's mud and manure there.

Well,he's at it again,and yes, same farm. Even better, now he's met the kids.

David Truscott, 41, of Pengegon Parc, Camborne, was discovered on Saturday by the youngster at Woodbury House Farm, Redruth.

When police officers arrived soon after, they found Truscott naked and covered in a large amount of slurry and mud, in a quagmire, surrounded by tissues.

Earlier this week magistrates in Truro referred Truscott’s case to the city’s Crown Court for sentencing after he pleaded guilty to breaching a restraining order and to causing harassment to Clive Roth, who lives on the farm.

Call me crazy, but something tells me that sentence just got longer.

Stone Road Mall's Ad Agency Needs To Hit The Road, Again

Stone Road Mall has done another one of those hit the road commercials Ilove so much.

This one, as impossible as it seems, might be even worse than the last one. I'm paraphrasing here, but I promise you I'm not leaving anything out.

The boot kick. the toe tap. the foot stomp. Every winter, before entering a building, Canadians do one of these things against the sides of cars, on the ground or at the sides of buildings to knock the snow and sleet from their boots before coming inside. This winter when you come to Stone Road Mall, you'll see many of your fellow Canadians engaging in this ritual. Feel free to join them in the boot kick, toe tap or foot stomp. Hit the road to Stone Road Mall.

Yeah...that's it. Nothing about the actual mall itself. Nothing about sales. NO new stores. No info on special events or displays. It's just hey, feel free to come here. You're allowed to stomp your feet and kick stuff, including our nice building if that suits ya.

I'll give them this. At Christmas time malls do make me feel like stomping my feet and kicking stuff, but I don't remember hearing this latest masterpiece of advertising until January. And even if it was around before Christmas, it's March now. Me and many of my fellow Canadians are so over winter boot kicks, toe taps and foot stomps. Well, unless we're boot kicking and foot stomping somebody who's just reminded us that it's still cold and snowy outside, of course.

Somebody Needs Some Time On The Couch, Not Under It

Police/fire blotter type incident reports aren't just a Canadian/American thing. Yes,England has 'em, too.

A confused resident called out fire crews after mistakenly thinking there was someone trapped under his sofa.

The man, of Clowes Court, Beccles, made the call at just before midday and a crew from the town arrived.

However, they discovered it was a false alarm and left 20 minutes later after reassuring the confused homeowner.

I don't know what if any sort of dementia may be at play here, but I don't think it would be out of line to say that I sure hope there's a lot of it.

Talking Watch Survey

I just got a link to a survey, so I thought I would pass it along.

There is a team of students who are trying to design a high-quality talking watch, and they want our input. They have some pretty neat ideas about things they want to put into it. It's a quick 10-question deal, so if you're interested, have at it.

And what is up with Surveymonkey making it so you have to read the whole question over again when you're looking at the first radio button? Uber annoying!

He Is Incapable Of Being An Asshole

Yikes! I knew you could be born with lots of abnormalities and organs that didn't work the way they should. But I never imagined that you could be born without an anus. Um, eek. But this condition has a name, congenital anal atresia. Let's google that, because I need more proof that this is possible.

Oh my good god, the condition is real.

Anal Atresia 

Definition

The anus is either not present or it is in the wrong place.

Description

There are basically two kinds of anal atresia. In boys with high anal atresia, there may be a channel (fistula) connecting the large intestine to either the urethra (which delivers urine from the bladder) or the bladder itself. In girls, the channel may connect with the vagina. Sixty percent of children with high anal atresia have other defects, including problems with the esophagus, urinary tract, and bones. In low anal atresia, the channel may open in front of the circular mass of muscles that constrict to close the anal opening (anal sphincter) or, in boys, below the scrotum. Occasionally, the intestine ends just under the skin. It is estimated that overall abnormalities of the anus and rectum occur in about one in every 5,000 births and are slightly more common among boys. A mother who has one child with these kind of conditions has a 1% chance of having another child who suffers from this ailment.

So, back to our unfortunate friend who they only call Wu, because honestly, who would want his whole name broadcast in the context of "Looky here! A dude born without an anus!" Wu has had to live with a surgical hole near his urethra, out which he had to squeeze his um excrament. Until now. Doctors have built him an artificial anus! At long last, 55 years of squeezing crap out of a hole by hand is over!

Ugugugugugug! I can't imagine. I never thought I'd be thankful for taking a crap the normal way, but boy am I ever.