Man forced to marry goat in southern Sudan

First it's a guy
stealing a sheep,
and now
this.

This might be the most well written story I've ever read. To me, any article that includes the words "goat defiler" is an automatic winner in my eyes, unless of course it's somehow about me.

This Is Just Strange

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Homeless man Grady Allen Carnahan was caught trying to steal a sheep from the Little Rock Zoo on Tuesday night. A security guard called police after noticing a man lugging a trash can with a sheep inside. Carnahan tried to tell police he was a doctor and the sheep was sick. He fought with officers when they tried to take him into custody. He was later arrested on numerous charges and the sheep was returned to its home at the zoo.

Update:
I knew there had to be a more detailed story on this out there somewhere, and here it is.

A True Internet Love Story

Found this on a pretty funny site. where to these people come from???

--
One day in a popular chat room, a young religious man by the name of ILuVGod32 posted an invitation reading, "Any ladies who would not find it too much trouble to have cyber sex with me, please send me a private message." He received in reply a private message from the young lady of faith ChristGirl1210. An involved conversation took place. This is its transcript.

ChristGirl210: hey wanna cyber?

ILuVGod32: sure...

ChristGirl210: cool

ILuVGod32: alright

ChristGirl210: ready?

ILuVGod32: yep

ChristGirl210: ok

ILuVGod32: yeah

ChristGirl210: well?

ILuVGod32: well what?

ChristGirl210: well lets do it

ILuVGod32: i'm waiting for you

ChristGirl210: no dont do that, go ahead

ILuVGod32: i cant
ChristGirl210

ChristGirl210: why?

ILuVGod32: b/c i'm waiting for you

ChristGirl210: just go ahead

ILuVGod32: no, you, please

ChristGirl1210: whats the big deal?

ILuVGod32: alright, fine, listen: i dont know how to do it

ILuVGod32: i just hear my friends talking about it

ChristGirl1210: golly gosh darn gee!

ILuVGod32: sorry... can you tell me?

ChristGirl1210: i dont know what it is either

ILuVGod32: damnit!

ChristGirl1210: do you have any idea at all?

ILuVGod32: someone said something about getting horny

ChristGirl1210: ok...

ILuVGod32: so like... maybe i think horny thoughts..?

ChristGirl1210: maybe

ChristGirl1210: i'll try that

ILuVGod32: alright

ILuVGod32: wait, this cant be right, we should be somehow chatting

ChristGirl1210: yeah ur right

ILuVGod32: well then what the heck could it be?

ChristGirl1210: i dont know

ILuVGod32: well its called *cyber* sex, so it must have to do w/ computers

ChristGirl1210: and?

ILuVGod32: maybe we rub up against our monitors and keyboards or something

ChristGirl1210: but then we aren't chatting

ILuVGod32: oh yeah

ChristGirl1210: then what is cybersex?

ILuVGod32: Oh, i know! we tell eachother horny stuff, like we're having sex

ChristGirl1210: oh thats probably it

ILuVGod32: ok lets do that, i'll start

ChristGirl1210: alright

ILuVGod32: i'm taking off my shirt, to expose my chest

ChristGirl1210: what's it like

ILuVGod32: its very... bright white, and it has two nipples, one on the left, and one on the right

ChristGirl1210: ooh! i see the left one... and there's the right one, equally handsome

ILuVGod32: in fact, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, you could touch it

ChristGirl1210: i cant, i'm not really there

ILuVGod32: it's pretend

ChristGirl1210: oh! thats right

ChristGirl1210: ok i am reaching out to touch your chest, it is magnificently white

ILuVGod32: oh sorry

ChristGirl1210: what?

ILuVGod32: i just farted

ChristGirl1210: gross! its not real, remember?

ILuVGod32: oh, thats right, never mind

ChristGirl1210: where were we?

ILuVGod32: touching my chest

ChristGirl1210: oh yeah.. its a very nice chest, i like all of the contours

ILuVGod32: oh really? maybe you could also take off your shirt (if it wouldnt be too much trouble)

ChristGirl1210: ok

ILuVGod32: wow, that's a nice stomach you've got there

ChristGirl1210: what do you mean? i took off my sweater, i'm still wearing my shirt

ILuVGod32: oh, oh, of course

ILuVGod32: i never really took of my shirt, either

ChristGirl1210: you didn't? I did, just not both of my shirts

ILuVGod32: you didnt, y not?


ILuVGod32
ChristGirl1210: do u think i'm gonna sit here w/ my shirt off when you can't even tell?

ChristGirl1210: i mean, my dad is home

ILuVGod32: this isnt turnign me on

ChristGirl1210: oooh, sorry, let me try again

ChristGirl1210: i've taken off my shirt now, i'm showing you my undershirt

ILuVGod32: christ, how many shirts do you have?

ChristGirl1210: did u just say the lords name in vain?

ILuVGod32: sorry, i didnt mean to

ChristGirl1210: its ok

ILuVGod32: im takin off my pants

ChristGirl1210: hey now

ChristGirl1210: i dont even know you

ILuVGod32: yeah you do, member, you asked to cyber.

ChristGirl1210: oh yah, i did

ChristGirl1210: ooh, your legs r sooo hot

ILuVGod32: i like your chest

ChristGirl1210: hey, why r u lookin at my chest? you perve!

ILuVGod32: what? i thought this was cyber sex!

ChristGirl1210: i'm sorry, i just cant do this.

ILuVGod32: aw, come on now

ChristGirl1210: hey, thats sexual harrassment, and i don't have to take it

ILuVGod32: OMG, what is wrong with you?

ChristGirl1210: i dunno.... i just feel dirty

ILuVGod32: but, we didn't do anything

ChristGirl1210: i know...

ILuVGod32: then whats the problem? come on baby.. i like the taste of your inner thigh

ChristGirl1210: what the hell? who r you?

ChristGirl1210: what have you done w/ jason?

ILuVGod32: whos jason?

ILuVGod32: im mark

ChristGirl1210: u are?

ILuVGod32: no, im jason, just screwin w/ yah

ChristGirl1210: lol

ILuVGod32: lol

ChristGirl1210: anyways

ChristGirl1210: i really like your body, its so sexy

ILuVGod32: thanks, you can hardly tell that i'm 5 ft 2 and weigh 240 pds, right

ChristGirl1210: eeeeew

ILuVGod32: oh, sorry i just farted again

ChristGirl1210: why do you keep telling me these things

ILuVGod32: i dunno, i guess its a fetsih

ChristGirl1210: what's a fetsih

ILuVGod32: its weird stuff that turns people on

ChristGirl1210: oh, like how my dad dresses up like a sumo wrestler, and jumps on my mom?

ILuVGod32: whaat?

ChristGirl1210: oh, n/m

ILuVGod32: so, what turns you on?

ChristGirl1210: i like bunnies

ILuVGod32: so do i, they are so soft and fuzzy, and i like to touch them

ChristGirl1210: thats just weird

ILuVGod32: what?

ChristGirl1210: oh forget it

ChristGirl1210: btw, are you wearing a condom?

ILuVGod32: it's not real!

ChristGirl1210: i know, but it just feels dirty otherwise

ILuVGod32: what the hell does it matter?

ChristGirl1210: would you please quit cursing? anyway, i dont want to get some horrible std, duh

ILuVGod32: are you crazy? i dont even have one

ChristGirl1210: well if you're gonna be having sex with random people from chat rooms, you should at least carry one in your wallet

ILuVGod32: ok whatever, i'm putting on a condom

ChristGirl1210: you said you don't have any

ILuVGod32: WE'RE PRETENDING

ChristGirl1210: alright, fine, but if i get pregnant, dont think youre dodging child support

ILuVGod32: my god you are weird

ChristGirl1210: well it's not like i'd get an abortion, i couldn't kill a child

ILuVGod32: what is your problem?

ChristGirl1210: i'm not the one who keeps farting

ILuVGod32: can we get on with it?

ChristGirl32: ok, ok

ILuVGod32: how bout takin off your pants so we can get some action going?

ChristGirl32: how bout NOT, creep!!

ILuVGod32: oh this is so hopeless

ChristGirl32: it wouldn't be if you weren't such a pervert, shouldnt we at least get to know eachother first?

ILuVGod32: you don't get it do you?

ChristGirl32: you're the one who doesn't know how to have a proper relationship

ILuVGod32: listen, i'm leaving, dont talk to me again unless you know what the hells going on

ChristGirl32: i dont wanna have sex with you anyway, you curse so much you'd probably be abusive later in life

ILuVGod32: whatever, bye

No News Is Top News

We've got Canadian tourists being murdered by professional hitmen in Mexico. We've got buildings falling down and killing people. We've got what could be the largest bank robbery in British history. We've got earthquakes, shootings and city-wide strikes that are shutting down important services in some places. We've got lots of things that I'm sure many of you would agree could and should be lead stories on any newscast in any city in any part of the world.

But even with all of this important stuff going on, what, Since Wednesday, has been the dominant headline whenever you turn on the TV news here in Canada? Not a shooting or the economy or the fact that we're getting more heavily involved in the war on terror than we probably should since we've got almost no military to speak of. Not the new government here or anywhere else for that matter or even the fact that Paul Bernardo is confessing to a shitload of things that nobody had any idea he was a part of. No, none of the things I just mentioned seem to be all that important right now, not when compared to the big story of the moment, that being that our Olympic hockey team sucked this year.

Now before anybody gets all upset that I'm slagging hockey coverage, I'll say this much. The Olympics are a little more than your average sporting event and I understand that people want to know what's going on, myself included. but that being said, there's a time and a place to let everybody know how we're doing, and that place is the sports report. Ok, so maybe a brief mention of somebody winning a medal for the country near the beginning of the newscast isn't so bad, but keep in mind the word brief, because the media seems to have forgotten it. And if you think I'm wrong about that, consider these questions. Is it really necessary to spend the first 10 minutes of a 30-minute national news broadcast that's supposed to keep people up to date on the important events of the day discussing and debating over and over again why it is that other people will be playing for medals on the weekend and we won't? I don't think so. And do we really need to bring experts on to these same broadcasts to let us know that our team got out-scored? That would be no. You don't even have to watch the games to figure that much out. We lost, therefore we most certainly got out-scored.

I'm not saying never analyze the situation, I'm just saying analyze it where and when it needs to be analyzed, and let the news do what it's supposed to do, keep tabs on things that will have a more direct impact on my life and the lives of others than some millionaire losing a game.

Who Knew?

Scientists: masturbation not as good as sex

More details on this developing story will be published in the next issue of Duh Magazine.

I'm A Professional

Given all of the talk in the media recently about the rising number of gun-related incidents in Toronto and elsewhere, I thought it was only proper that we here at the Vomit Comet use our vast world-wide influence [hahaha] to spread the message that guns, even though they may seem to some to be fun and exciting, can be dangerous when put in the wrong hands. To that end, we encourage you to watch
this important video on gun safety.
You never know, it might just save your life.

Why All The Fear? This Isn't Singapore!

I already know this, but I had it brought back to me today as I was walking around the mall. Maybe someone can explain this to me. Why are people so afraid of the white cane? I mean, I know why some people from China are afraid of the cane because it's got some bad superstition attached to it. But I see completely white people jump out of the way as if fire and lightning bolts came out of the end of the cane with the ability to fry anyone in its path. Not once, but at least three times, I watched a seemingly terrified mother pull her children out of the way, and when one was back in front of me, she shriekd, "Aaaa! Insert child's name. Look out!" So I know that warning shriek wasn't intended for me. A while back, a friend of mine would walk far away from me so I couldn't possibly hit her with the cane.

What is so terrifying about a white cane? I don't even swing it around crazily or anything. Sometimes the tip doesn't even leave the ground and people freak. Are they afraid of the cane, or is it me? If they're afraid of me, they need to get out more. I mean, by the time these people's kids reach age 10 or so, they'll probably be taller than I am. Do they think that, if they don't get out of my way post haste, I'll start wildly clubbing them with my cane and steal their helpless kids? Granted my cane would probably hurt some if I used it as a weapon, but that's not the point. That's not what it's intended for, and that's not what I'm using it for. So, if you're one of those people who are deathly afraid of my cane, or if you know someone who is, can you please tell me why there's so much fear.

As an aside, would you believe that if you go to the right shoe-repair place, they'll replace the lythium battery in a talking watch? That's just mind-boggling, and I thought it might help someone who, like me, couldn't even hope to make that leap of logic!

Enlighten me, Please.

I've noticed this weird trend with some of my friends who have MSN Messenger. You know how that works, right? You have a sign-in name and password that you can use anywhere that has MSN Messenger to go online and chat to your list of contacts that you've added to it. This becomes important.

I know people who have multiple MSN accounts for different places. Some have home and work accounts, some have an account for their desktop and one for their laptop. My question is a simple one. Why? We all know that a human being cannot be in two places at once. So there is no foreseeable reason to need multiple accounts because you talk to people from different places, since one of the cool things about MSN Messenger is you can sign into your same account from anywhere.

I could see it in the case of a home and work account if the person wanted only people they needed to contact quickly at work on the work account without having to deal with mesages from Uncle Bob, Cousin Frank, neighbour Tom and best friend Bill. But that's not what these people with home and work accounts do. Oh no. They add everyone from their home account to their work one. Why make so much duplication?

I can even see people creating a backup MSN account because they're going to ditch the first address and don't want to lose their contacts, but this is even a little weird because they can save their list from their old account and just import it to their new one. But if they decided to do that, logic would then dictate that they wouldn't sign in to the backup account at the same time as their first account, right? Well that's not what some of these people do. I'll be online and actually see them marked as online on both accounts at the same time! Then I have to ask myself, "How can they use them both? Do they have super powers and can fly between computers? Are they sitting between the computers and making themselves feel important by talking to the same person twice?" In either case, why bother? Why is this even necessary? Can somebody give me some reason why people do this so it makes sense to me? I can't find it.

This Strikes me as Pointless

So I've been seeing on the news that a bunch of city employees have decided to go on strike. Because of this, libraries, rec centres, snow removal and garbage collection, among other things, have been shut down. And then of course, mother nature has to drop a load of blowing snow and freezing rain on us. Perfect!

I totally understand where the right to strike came from. But I feel like, along with the ability to sue, it's totally overused these days. Striking and suing are supposed to be extreme mesures. Now, everybody does it for one reason or another. With striking, either they need a new contract, or they have something they want to demand from employers that may not be all that big. So boom! They go on strike. I think if people are getting extremely screwed on wages, there are unsafe working conditions that the employer won't fix, or something else equally dire, then go ahead. Go on strike. But now it seems like unions set deadlines just to scare employers, and love walking the picket lines. And guess what? It loses all its power.

I know you're staring at me going, "what are you talking about?" You need your garbage picked up and the sidewalks cleared and such." Sure I do, but my anger isn't going to make the city change its mind. All that happens is I get angry at the striking workers. Now you say, "but they're going to create chaos by not doing the things that keep the city running smoothly." Not this time. The city already employed other snow plough trucks to do the striking workers' jobs. Somebody saw different coloured garbage trucks driving around. So I don't think there'll even be chaos. Ya see what happens when people strike too much?

Where there is chaos, there shouldn't be chaos. Striking people are so desperate to cause trouble that they're impeding people from leaving parking lots that are now available to be parked in for fre because the attendents are on strike. Um, explain the logic in that. I don't think these people are trying to be scabs. Piss off. It's your own falt they're in there en mass. They're also blocking buses from leaving. Ok, now you're not working, so no one else should either? Logic is just thrown out the window here, and with it, my patience is gone.

And now you say, "well at least the public will be aware of the issues. Bzzz. Wrong. People see picket signs now and don't even read them. Again, the effectiveness is gone!

So why do unions make people strike so much? They piss off the public, they piss off their employers, and at the end, they piss off the people they're making strike because when you're on strike, all you get is strike pay, chief. Tell me, who wins in this situation?

Does the Thought Still Count Anymore?

I know I'm a couple days late for getting this post up, but whatever. Every year I think this, I'm just finally saying it.
When I was a little kid, and Valentine's Day came around, they always helped us make cards, and told us it was the thought that counted. It was the fact that you thought enough of someone to make them a gift or tell them how much they meant to you. Then, I thought, "Aww? What a cool day! It's a day to make people feel good for no other reason than because you feel like it."

Now I'm older, and I see these commercials telling people to buy diamonds because that's the only thing you can do to show them you love them. And I see couples where one member, usually the girl I'm ashamed to say, gets mad if their significant other gets them something they consider cheap. Shouldn't they be happy they got something at all? I can see feeling hurt if you get them something and get no acknowledgement of it, or your boyfriend/girlfriend never makes you feel special, and especially not that day. But I don't know why people have grown to expect expensive gifts as some kind of proof of love. I have one thing to say about that. Bull fucking shit.

You wanna know what I did for valentine's Day? I bought Steve an 8-dollar CD that he always wanted, he said he'd buy me a computer game of my choosing, and we went out for dinner using gift certificates from Christmas so neither of us had to pay. And we had fun! Isn't that the point? And that's more than we have spent some years. Once I got him a chocolate bar because he wanted to try whatever kind it was and hadn't yet, and I think I might have bought him a stuffed animal. Like come on guys. It's kind of like the way Christmas has gotten. It's not about the sentiment anymore, it's about how much you can spend to impress your friends. Can't anybody find more meaningful ways to impress people?

Belated happy Valentine's Day everyone.

If You Prick Him, Does He Not Bleed?

Why do people in general have a tendency to turn into stammering numbnutses when they meet someone famous? It doesn't even matter if they're extremely famous, or someone who they've seen on the TV a lot in some silly ad. But somehow I don't think the reaction of most people on recognizing Canadian Tire Ted would be to stammer. But I digress. What is so special about famous people? When you get down to it, they're just as ordinary as you or I. They still get up, eat, shower, piss and shit like everyone else. They were not dropped from the heavens as the chosen ones. They were born, just like the rest of us. Why do we treat them like some kind of gods?

I caught myself doing this the other day. I was standing in the lobby of a restaurant with some friends waiting for a cab. All of a sudden, this guy comes over to us. He says, "Hey guys. Did you have a good meal? I see you've got some food packed up to take home." So we talk to him like normal. I just think he's a friendly stranger or our out-going cabby. Then suddenly we turn collectively into a pack of either mutes or retards at the utterance of his next few words. "I'm Jack Layton, leader of the New Democratic Party." I'm desperately thinking of something intelligent to say, you know, like, "I voted for your party." or "congratulations on getting a bunch more seats." But you know what comes out of my mouth.? "Hi. Yeah I've seen you on TV a lot." Ok, just hit me with the stupid stick. It seems fitting.

Is Something Out to Get Me?

Does anyone remember the myth about the fates? This is the way I remember it. They are 3 stone-faced old women who sit on a mountain knitting a quilt. Each thread represents someone's life. If they cut a thread, that person dies. If the fates really exist, one is bent on cutting my thread, and another one is having a tug of war with her over the scissors.

Here's why I say that. I have been almost hit by a car 4 times in the last two weeks. Once, it happened as I walked through a parking lot. Once it happened when the walk sign was up at a busy traffic light, one of the ones that chirps for us blind people to tell us it's time to go. Once some moron decided to not look where he was driving and just plough out of a driveway towards the street. And the last time, I almost got creamed by a giant truck. This is not the usual for me. I swear someone really wants me to die by getting me hit by an automobile of some kind.

And that's not all. I went to get money out of a bank machine. As I was finishing up, I heard, "Could ya spare a little change? I'm looking for a job with no success." Since I have no change, I sheepishly say no and leave the bank. As I do, I think, "Do you realize how close you came to being mugged? Here you are getting money out of a bank machine and someone's begging for change."

All I can think is I must have a reason to be here because so many times I came close to meeting some kind of unfortunate fate, and all those times I've been rescued. Or, if there are a bunch of unseen beings up there controlling things, one of them is trying to scare me, or the one chosen to do me in is super-incompetent at it.

I'm going to Ottawa tomorrow. Hopefully I make it back ok, with only more adventures to talk about. I just hope these are the good kind.

I Hope He Can Hear Me Say Duh

Apple sued over overly loud iPod

I shouldn't be surprised about this, but that doesn't mean I can't be annoyed, and I am.

Let's forget for a moment that this lawsuit is completely stupid and baseless, which it certainly should be to anybody who takes 30 seconds to think about it. I mean for Christ's sake, Apple tells you not to turn the things up too loud or keep listening to them if your ears start ringing right in the books that come with them, which should, in a perfect world, be enough for this suit to be tossed out before it makes it out the door of the lawyer's office. But since we don't live in a perfect world, there's a chance, albeit a small one, that this goof might actually win and maybe even get some money out of it.

But that's not even my biggest problem. What I really want to know is what ever happened to personal responsibility and good old common sense? And where do logic and reasoning come into play here? Seriously, think about it for a second. Maybe you use an iPod or something similar. Lots of people do, and every one of those people has to use some sort of headset. I'd like to think that most if not all of you would then be well aware of what happens when you turn up the volume on something. But obviously not everyone is, so here's a tip for you if you are in fact smart enough to read. If not, get a big person to help you out here. When the volume goes up, the sound gets louder. And when the sound gets louder, you can hear it better. But sometimes the sound can get too loud, and you can hear it too well. And you're not gonna believe this, but when you cram a fucking speaker into your head, it doesn't take much for that to happen. that means that if you like to hear things, it's your job to make sure that this doesn't happen and that you try to keep things to a *reasonable* level, even if you really like the song. And if all of this is too much for you, that's not Apple's fault.

By the way, if I can hear what you're listening to and sing along from 27 feet away from you over a crowd of people, it's probably a pretty safe bet that we're far past reasonable levels and it might be time to cut things down a little.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that what you do to your own body of your own free will doesn't suddenly become somebody else's monitary responsibility when things don't turn out the way you want them to. Well that and do we really need to keep explaining the same fundamental concepts every time we change the look of something? Hearing loss has happened the same way from the caveman to the Walkman and now to the iPod. The only thing that's changed is the means. Why do we need warning labels and lawsuits to help us figure that out?

Ads? Make Sense? Na! Never!

Man. I need to just tune out advertising. I should have a long time ago. But now it's just getting ridiculous. It's like a bunch of people just threw some words on a dart board and made their commercial slogans from whichever words got nailed.

Let's take a commercial that I was half paying attention to. These are its exact words. "How do you know if food is good? Simple! It's blue!"

Uh, has anyone eaten blue food? And survived? You tell me if it's good. I found out that it was the President's Choice Blue Menu, but when you're not really paying attention, you just wanna hurl! Make that into a radio ad, and you'd be dooming your product. You think they wouldn't do that? I remember a certain commercial for a cold medication that, on the TV, consisted of a violin song and some words on the screen spelled the way they would sound if you had a cold. So, the ad geniuses just took the violin song and threw it on the radio. Great ad campaigne.

Here's another one that makes my head spin in complete confusion. "Lay's. Get your smile on." Get your smile on? It's a bag of chips. Ya eat 'em, you're done. I keep getting visions of either this deranged chip-lover eating a ton of chips with this maniacal grin on his face, or the advertisers didn't think "get your gut on" was a good slogan. Come on, Lay's, get over yourselves.

And here's more of a trend in ads rather than a specific ad that bugs me. I've seen a lot of junk food ads that try and make you feel better about eating whatever fat-laiden pile of whatever they're selling. "Now you can eat twice as much because we've cut the fat in half!" And then you will have bought twice as much and be just where ya were before we cut the fat in half, and with less money, you bunch of gluttonous pigs you, ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously, we wonder why we have a big obesity problem. We must have one if a big selling point on a food is, "Now you can eat more of it!"

All I can think when I see where advertising is going is, wow, it is true that our collective IQ is going down. Soon, the ads will consist of a bunch of teletubbies running around going goo goo ga ga, followed by the company's logo. And it'll work!

Breaking News! Some Old News!

Something came on the news the other day that caught my attention. It was a news report on a new, supposedly scary virus called the Kama Sutra worm among other names. When I say they made us feel we should be scared, we're talking doom and gloom forecasts. The very animated reporter was claiming that droves of people were going to pay the price for an accidental click that was going to dump a horrible virus on their computer. And what was so scary and earth-shattering about this virus? Honestly, I don't know, except it was the media's chosen virus to use to strike fear into people. I'll give them one thing. It does do ugly things to your files. But scary? I don't think so.

Let me explain. The virus only comes by email. It doesn't try to crawl through open ports. When it comes by email, it doesn't try to exploit a windows flaw to open on its own. It doesn't con you into opening the attachment by telling you it's a message from your ISP's tech support team and this file is one of the good guys. It doesn't even use the trick of making the naive think the attachment is a safe file like .txt or .mp3 but put another extension behind that one that is the real extension. No no no. The messages crafted by this virus practically scream suspicious to me. Don't believe me? Have a look for yourself. Here is a sample of the beautiful subjects and bodies that this worm is capable of creating.

*Hot Movie*
A Great Video
eBook.pdf
Fw:
Fw: DSC-00465.jpg
Fw: Funny :)
Fw: Picturs
Fw: Real show
Fw: SeX.mpg
Fw: Sexy
Fwd: Crazy illegal Sex!
Fwd: image.jpg
Fwd: Photo
give me a kiss
Miss Lebanon 2006
My photos
Part 1 of 6 Video clipe
Photos
Re:
Re: Sex Video
School girl fantasies gone bad
the file
Word file

Message bodies:

----- forwarded message -----
>> forwarded message
bye
Fuckin Kama Sutra pics
forwarded message attached.
hello,
hi
Hi. I send the file. bye.
Hot XXX Yahoo Groups
how are you?
i attached the details.
i just any one see my photos.
i send the details
i send the details.
i send the file.
It's Free :)
Note: forwarded message attached.
OK ?
Please see the file.
ready to be F**KED ;)
Thank you
The Best Videoclip Ever
VIDEOS! FREE! (US$ 0,00)
What?
You Must View This Videoclip!

Now, seriously. Try and explain to me how anyone opening a file attached to one of those emails is accidentally clicking on the file. If you received any of those combos, given that you've probably seen a million of those in spam you receive daily, would your first reaction, without any thought, be, "Oh wow! I must open this right now!" Click clickedy click click? Even if you haven't seen spam in your lifetime, and if you haven't, I'm jealous, wouldn't you wonder why your friend Dave or Uncle John was writing like an extremely formal non-English speaker? Wouldn't you think twice when the computer said, "now chester, are you sure you want to open this?" Wouldn't that give you time to go, "Hmm. Well that message looked weird. Maybe I should hold back a bit." If you wanted to rip the attachment open without a second thought, I second the advice of that fictional tech support lady in that email we've all seen a million times. "Ok, put your computer back in its box, take it back to the store, and tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." I mean, think about it. Half of those subject lines were trying to convince you you were going to get free porn, and half of those bodies looked like they were written by ESL students.

And here's another reason why anyone who manages to infect their computer with this worm is a moron. There has been protection for this worm available from most antivirus packages for over two weeks leading up to the supposed black day when it would descend upon our word files, zip files and other treasured files and eat them like a pack of ravenous vultures. Hey chief. Wake up. Smell the coffee. If you're on the internet, you need antivirus software. This is a given. If you just bought your computer, I feel somewhat bad for ;you, but where have you been before buying your computer? Wouldn't you ask whoever you bought it from where to go to get something to keep you from getting viruses? Any vendor of computers is irresponsible not to sell you antivirus software with your computer.

Another part of the news report that got me was when Chirpy the reporter turned to her interview subject that was supposed to give her credibility. He piped up and said that this worm was sprouting a new form of terrorism because now everybody has to be afraid for every day of the month, wondering if they had the virus lying dormant, waiting to strike. Hey Imbecile, most viruses have set dates and times when they unleash their payloads. If that's terrorism, I have the perfect anti-terror weapon. Antivirus software. Get some, shut up, chill out.

So, after all that, tell me why the media has to start screaming like Chicken Little over this. If this virus is such a big deal, shouldn't we have seen a complete media panic when Bagle, Netsky and Sobig broke out? Those were far more threatening than this, yet I don't think I heard a thing about them on the news. If I did, it was a little wee five-second report.

I find this to be a problem with the media in general. They take non or close to non-issues, or subjects where nobody has a real answer, *cough* bird flu *cough*, and work people into a panic with them, and then, when there is a reason to panic, they sweep those issues under the rug. "We don't want to cause mayhem," they say.

It makes me sad to see their crap working on my parents. They sent me a frantic email asking if it was safe to even send emails because of this horrible worm that, in their words, was scary and even the TV said they should be worried. I don't think my parents are stupid. They grew up in an era when the news was perhaps more believable. Now, they're being taken for a ride. Please, everybody, think for yourselves! If the media wouldn't try to think for us, and people wouldn't let the media succeed, fear-mongering like this wouldn't sell.

But Blog-spammers...suck a wang!

This piss piss pisses me off. First we got spam, then we got spim, and now we have what..splogs? I dunno what they call it, but you know what they say about a rose by any other name...except this is shit instead of a rose. What these useless bottom-feeding whores do is send their mindless zombi bots to blogs, scrawl "come see my pile of shit so I can fill with cash that I leeched from somewhere" comments and then wait for some unsuspecting sucker to click and get their computer filled with who knows what spyware/viruses/all manner of crap.

Ok, spammers piss me off enough. They clogged my university email account so badly that I have set it adrift. They made my parents' internet experience a misery, granted they brought some of that on themselves, but still. And, they've made it harder for blinks to sign up for yahoo and hotmail accounts, join forums, and do pretty much anything that involves an email account because of those fucking blasted son of a bitch goddamn piece of shit graphical word verification thingies. If you can manage to sign up for an email address, some people may never get your emails because their anti-spam solution uses a method that involves, get ready for it boys and girls, fucking blasted son of a bitch goddamn piece of shit graphical word verification thingies. Can you feel the rage? And now, because of these stupid zombi bots, comment boards on blogs are starting to use the, come on guys, you know the drill, fucking blasted son of a bitch goddamn piece of shit graphical word verification thingies!

To the morons who think they've found the perfect gold mine by doing this shit, I say, You assholes are ruining the internet on so many levels. You're filling it with useless crap and who knows what malware, you're making it so that even little comment boards have to install security measures to keep this shit away, and you're taking all the fun out of everything! Piss off! And to the equally moronic souls who buy things from these scumbags, I say, you numbnutses are contributing to the steady destruction of what used to be completely cool. If you'd just stop, the other half of the problem would magically dissolve into nothingness. You can piss off too!

I Bet He Drinks STD

So we stumbled over this site in a Sales class when trying to find easy ways to come up with company slogans without having to actually think of them. You go to this cool site and you type in your name in the box and click "sloganize". It will then come up with a slogan (usually stolen from another company) and insert your name in it to make it your own. Some aren't too good and wont' make sense but if you keep clicking the button you'll get more of them. Unfortunately it only displays one at a time. The best slogan for my name was probably "Matt really satisfies" followed up by "Matt Not Included" and "I can't Believe It's Not Matt."

So we got bored of that after a while and started to search other terms.

STD - I Bet He Drinks STD
Death - Death. The Way Your Mom Used To Do It
The Clap - Give That Man The Clap
Chlamydia - Wait 'till We Get our Chlamydia on you.

Go give it a shot. it's fun.

Daily Irritaant

There's nothing more irritating than getting up stupidly early to go to class and as you walk back home after 2 hours of class and walking by your friends appartment which faces the side walk and hearing his alarm going off and knowing the sonofabitch isn't even out of bed yet.

Pointless Bitchy Whining Of The Day

So as I said in my earlier post, one of the keys to blogging for me is to kill boredome. So this will do that for me and inflict it for you as I'm basically just going to whine like a little bitch with a skinned knee.

So I had an unpleasant laundry incident today. I was given the day off from class as my only one for the day was cancelled so I figured I would do my laundry to which I had tons. Now normally I do it on the weekend which seems to be the same time that everyone else in our building does it so it's impossible to get a machine and you get the lovely people that will throw your stuff on the ground if you're not there the second the buzzer goes. But today I walked in and it was empty (being a Wednesday afternoon I shouldn't be surprised) so I thought I was in for a good day. I got 3 machines to myself which was going to certainly shorten the ammount of time I was gonna have to spend there. So I put it all through and then put it all in the dryers.
I went back to my appartment to wait and went back down to empty my 3 dryers. Still no one around. Awesome. No forced small talk and no guilt about using 3 machines. Not that that was a problem. There were like 5 more empty ones. I took all my stuff out of the first two with no problems and in unloading the third one I noticed that half the stuff was still wet. Not damp. Wet. So whatever. it's piece of shit public machines - it's not surprising. So I spent another 1.50 to put it through again and took the other stuff back to my room.
So I went back again and it was STILL wet. Not as bad. But still. So obviously I figured I'm not gonna pay again for it and took it back to my room and hung it up - but damn that pisses me off - especially when you're paying out the ass to use it.
That's it. told you it was pointless. Ha! That's 5 minutes of your life you're never getting back.

Steve. You Bitch

Fuck You Steve. Fuck you alot.

Seven Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die
1. 2012 London Olympic Games
2. See the Leafs win a Cup (might be the most unlikely on my list)
3. Attend a WM (had tickets to 18 but had to pass them off cuz of something I couldn't get out of)
4. Visit NYC
5. work on the FAN590
6. Meet Justin Sane
7. Kick Steve in the stones

Seven Thing I Can't Do
1. See the Leafs winning a cup in my leaftime.
2. stand Emo kids.
3. remember to update this page on a regular basis (luckily there are 2 talented people still doing it)
4. get too close to vomit. it creates a larger vomit problem
5. Believe it's not butter.
6. stop 'till i get enough
7. wait to be king.

Seven Things I Like About Bloggin
1. Well with this blog in particular I can go months at a time without posting and it magically still gets updated. lol
2. it's a place for those of us not talented enough to get writing jobs a place to still spout our worthless opinions.
3. Hate mail
4. Cures boredome
5. Somehow this has survived about 3 years now.
6. Ability to go back and see what was happening in the past.
7. It's free!

Seven Things I Say Alot
1. No worries
2. Later dayzzzzz (don't ask lol)
3. Steve sucks
4. Fuck Steve
5. Steve's an ass
6. Steve the ass shoe
7. more random steve bashing

Seven Books I'm a Fan Of (this may be hard to fill)
1. Stupid White Men
2. Dude. Where's My Country?
3. House Of Bush - House Of Saud
4. Lord Of The Flies (say what you want - a classic)
5. Go Dog Go
6. the Boy On Defense
7. 100 Reasons to hate Steve (Volume 1)

Seven Movies I Like Enough to Watch Over and Over
1. Clerks
2. Mallrats
3. Chasing Amy
4. Dogma
5. Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
6. Clerks 2 (I assume. will know soon enough)
7. Robin Hood - Men In Tights

Seven People I Will Make Do this
I refuse to inflict this upon anyone else.

Guess that's it. Once again. Fuck Steve.