The Website, Terrible Beer, Audio Returns And Some Jokes At The End

I just got an email from Molson asking me to "answer the call of the long weekend." I'm sure this is code for please drink our shitty beer, so the long weekend will be getting my voicemail.

That really did just happen.

Anyway, how's everybody doing? I hope you're all doing well and are less tired than this guy, who for some reason woke up at 20 after 4 this morning. Bad times, but it's still better than being sentenced to a long weekend of Molson.

If you've seen it (and if you follow one of us on Twitter and clicked on this post that way you have,) we hope you're liking the new website. It's almost finished, thank the lord. The only thing we need to do before we can 86 Blogger for good is figure out how to make the new server send out daily emails full of our wit and wisdom like Feedburner is doing now. I know we can probably transfer the current feed over and keep everything as it is, but since Feedburner has a CAPTCHA that we can't disable on its subscription form, fuck those guys. If we were content with firing off emails whenever a post went up the problem would be solved, but since we sometimes go on insane posting jags that's not going to happen. We care about you all too much as readers and in some cases friends to put you through that. If anybody knows of something free or close to it that will allow for what I've described, let us know.

Besides that, we're pretty much good to go. All the posts have the correct bylines on them (kiss my ass again, blog importer) and all the downloads that haven't worked for months are now alive and well on our new server which, I should add, is fast as hell. I should also add that relinking them was a much easier process than we had anticipated thanks to a handy search and replace plugin that Carin dug up. That's one thing I love about Wordpress. It's insanely customizable and has loads of functionality built right in, but if it doesn't do something that somebody has ever wanted it to do, that person has probably built a plugin that'll get it done.

If you're thinking about making the move from something like Blogger or even about starting a new site, give Wordpress a shot. And if you happen to be in the market for some hosting for that reason or any other, drop a line to Shane and James. Tell them Steve and #CarinOfTheWin sent ya. I'm not sure what it'll do for you in the favours department, but give it a try and let me know how it goes. If it does nothing, I'm putting Shane on notice that at some point I may have to resort to tossing him around like I used to when he was little. Wait, what am I saying? He's still little.

Oh, I almost forgot, we need to get AdSense up and running as well. I'm not looking forward to that. Messing with ad sizes, styles and positioning when you can't actually see what your site looks like isn't high on my list of fun activities. Carin's either, as it happens. If any of you have a good idea of what might work around these parts, please get in touch.

But AdSense or not, daily digest or not, it's time to celebrate! And what better way to say thanks for putting up with our quietness and website talk and to break in a new server than a little something we like to call Long Audio Weekend!? Quiet down, crickets! You're drowning out the cheers of celebration that I'm sure are coming from all over the world! But yes, now that we have a reliable place to put them, we can do casts again, and do casts we shall...unless something bad/unexpected comes up. I'm not sure what we'll talk about, but we'll think of something. All the stuff we haven't gotten around to writing down might be a good place to start.

With all that out of the way...I suddenly realize I can't remember what else I was going to write down. This is embarrassing. Hmmm...what to do? I know, have a few of the jokes I've been saving. That and be sure to follow @ShakespeareSong if you don't already. One of my favourite things ever on Twitter.

See you for audio weekend unless I remember something between now and then.

Ok...jokes!

*Okay, I know the order of the pedals is clutch - brake - accelerator, but how do I start this piano?

*There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

*Some guy called my wife a pig the other day. I said, "Don't listen to him, Babe!"

*In 1950's Ireland, the Catholic Church ruled the country with an iron fist. It was a tough time to be an altar boy.

*After the accident, my wife was left a vegetable.

"Who left this vegetable here," She asked.

*I just heard on the Radio that the Leader of the Monkees has died. R.I.P. Nelson Mandela.

*As the sperm swam with a mission in mind toward the egg, I thought to myself, "Wow, I've really ruined this breakfast buffet."

*Q: Who is a Catholic priest's favourite singer?

A: Kneel Young.

*Muhammad Ali vs. Michael J. Fox: The Quickest Game of Jenga Ever.

*Two gay guys were on the beach. One says to the other, "shall I put the umbrella up?" The other replies "yes, but don't open it!"

*My mate has got a computer document full of 16 year old girls. What a PDF-file.

*Q: What do you call someone who's had their car stolen?

A: A taxi.

*A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila.

"Why so many, buddy," the bartender asks.

"I'm celebrating my first blow job," The man replies.

"Well hell, congratulations," says the bartender. "I will give you one on the house."

"No thank you," replies the man. "if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't make a difference."

A Few Fun Practical Jokes

If you're looking for new and fun ways to mess with somebody and need some ideas, perhaps some of these may be to your liking.



I've used the sneeze one before, it's almost always fun.

Friday Joke Pile

I always say I need to post jokes more often, and now I'm going to try to start making myself do it. I'm going to save the ones that make me laugh and want to post them in a file, and every Friday or whatever other day happens to be better because that's how things work around here, I'll slap them up here for you all to enjoy/get angry at/hate me for.

Here's batch one. thanks to everybody who tells and sends me these, and to a bunch of people on Twitter who aren't telling them to me specifically. Feel free to send some in if you've got them. I'd type out the contact info but it's all over the site, plus I'd really like a beer and am going to go get one instead of writing little bits of html to make your lives easier.

Enjoy, and feel free to tell any or all of these during your weekend outings...especially if you like having your head kicked in.

*Q: What has AIDS and flies?
A: Africa.

*Premature ejaculator seeks fem... oh, never mind.

*Q: Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.

*A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili.

"The guy next to you got the last bowl," the waitress says.

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

"Are you going to eat that," he asks?

"No. Help yourself," replies the second guy.

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse

in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

Seeing this, the second guy looks over and says...

"That's about as far as I got, too."

*Q: What do you call a man with a one-inch dick?
A: Justin.

*My girlfriend used to smoke after sex... So we started using lubricant.

*Q: If an African farmer has 5 apples and his wife has 3, what do they have?
A: The whole village crowding around their house begging for food.

*I just saw a sign outside my house that said "We Are Digging This Road." I thought to myself, "Thanks, I love it too."

*I tried to deliver a baby the other day, but it died when I got its head stuck in the mailbox.

*A man goes to a bar in London for a couple of drinks. As he is sitting alone and drinking, he notices a sexy woman sitting

in a corner, alone and staring at him.

He gulps down a couple of shots and gathering courage, goes upto her and says, "Excuse me. I'm Jerry from Baker Street. Can I

sit here and buy you a drink?" The woman agrees and soon both of them are drinking away like good old friends.

At the end of the night, Jerry and the lady walk out of the bar together.

Again gathering courage and more than slightly drunk, he asks "Eschcuse me, can we have sex please?"

" Well I don't mind, but you see, I'm on my menstrual cycle," the lady says.

"No problem," says Jerry. "You take your menstrual cycle and I'll follow you in my Honda."

*My wife left me speechless today. I hate looking after our mute son.

*Son: "Dad, are those buffaloes straight?"

Dad: "They're bison."

Son: "Well, it's a free country."

*My wife said the thing she likes most about me is my honesty. "Thanks fatty," I replied.

*There's nothing worse than a spoiled child. That reminds me, I really need to get this freezer fixed.

*Answer: "Hand me downs."
Question: What is apparently not the nicest way to ask my wife to pass me our disabled baby?

*I hope I can get my money back for this oxygen mask. I don't look like oxygen at all.

*A dress belonging to Amy Winehouse sold for £43,200 at auction. That sounds excessive, but you have to remember a lot of

needlework went into it.

*I've got the worst sense of direction in the world...wherever that is.

*Q: What's long, black and dangerous to cut into?
A: The line at KFC.

*I've been dating a homeless woman for a while now, and I think it's getting serious. She's asked me to move out with her.

*Steven Hawking has released a new book. It's called Up the stairs in 80 days.

*My parents always told me war is never the answer. I can't count how many history exams I've failed thanks to them.

*When I was growing up, I had everything handed to me on a plate. Let me tell you, soup was a nightmare.

*An aged 007 with Parkinson's walks into a bar. The bartender says "Let me guess, just a normal Martini?"

*Somebody asked me my opinion on wind turbines. "I'm a big fan," I told him.

*I saw a headline that read "Woman beats off rapist." That seems like a reasonable compromise.

*Fred and Larry get married in California.

They can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school!'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, fine, tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'

I've Been Poisoned By A Sub, So Here Are A Few Jokes To Save Me Doing Anything Difficult

To get you ready for Christmas, here are a few jokes that have nothing to do with Christmas. Thanks to everybody who sends these to me and to me for finding the ones you don't send. I promise I'll get better at posting these...for real this time.

*Just asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he's had. Bizarrely, he started counting and fell asleep.

*When my wife was expecting our first child, a friend asked me what I hoped it would be. "Mine," I said.

*A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband, "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

*Went to a nice, local restaurant/bar with my girlfriend last night. But the regulars were shouting "pedophile!" and other terrible names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

*When I was a kid, I got a pocketknife for Christmas. I then used it to open up all my other gifts. Still a shame about the puppy...

*The job application I was filling out asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime?" followed by "explain why." I wrote down "no" and "good lawyers".

*My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

*A man comes into a bar...no wait, it was a horse. So, a man comes into a horse...

Arriving In Heaven

It's been a while since i've posted one and I know how much some of you like these, so here's a Steve's mom joke to start your day.

All arrivals in heaven go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who records each applicant's fatal activities on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.

The clerk thanked him and sent him on.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst ever.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man on.

The clerk is still smiling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I doubt your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man. "picture this... I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."

Funeral Arrangements

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like.

"You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them.

Dad wasn't sold: "Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it."

The One Where I Tell You To Vote And Then Ramble About Other Things For A While

I'll warn you right off the top that this post might be even more disjointed and sucky than usual. I'm a bit distracted by the pain in my right foot and it's making me cranky. The thing hates me, but if I were it and I'd been injured so many times by me, I'd probably hate me too. I wish I'd kept a log from the first time I hurt it when I was 8 or 9 up to now so I could see exactly how much I've put it through. I think it would be a little bit fascinating. It's kind of scary that I've done so much to it that I can't remember it all off the top of my head, isn't it? Usually hurting something that effects you that much is memorable, but perhaps after a certain number you just stop counting and forget about it all because it's too much to remember and maybe even a little bit routine...at least until the next thing happens to it. It's anything but routine in the moment, I assure you.

So what sort of heinous and horrible things did I do to it today, you ask. Well...I walked on it. Seriously, that's all it takes some days. I like long walks but it doesn't, and there seems to be no room for agreeing to disagree. I often need to walk to get around, and since its entire purpose in life is to serve as my right leg, it has no choice but to come along every time. For now I can take it, but with each passing year it gets a little worse. Man, getting old is gonna blow.

It's a beautiful sunny day here in lovely Guelph. A perfect day to get out and vote in the Ontario election if you haven't already done so. Carin and I did that this morning so that we could take advantage of the audio voting system that she's posted about here. If you want all of the info on that stuff, check the elections tag. Everything you need should be there. If you want to audio vote or sip and puff or any of the other options they have, you only have until the end of tomorrow to do it. For reasons nobody will ever get me to understand, these things are not available on election day proper, nor were they around for the regular advanced polls. You have to find your returning office and vote there. I'd love to see them try pulling that stunt with pencils. If you're in Guelph, the address is 292 Speedvale Avenue West, unit 1. It's in the plaza near the Speedvale and Silvercreek intersection. If you're anywhere else, the Elections Ontario site or 1-888-ONT-VOTE can help you find where you're supposed to go. Please, go there and use this stuff if you need it. I can tell you with certainty that they're keeping track of how well used it is. Every vote cast using these machines really is a vote for justifying their existence. It shouldn't have to be that way (see pencils, pulling that stunt with), but until a whole lot of attitudes change for the better, that's how it's going to be.

Carin and I had a very nice trip to Ottawa this weekend. I could have done without spending the better part of Friday and Sunday on buses since I really don't travel well, but the between time was great. We got to catch up with some old friends and even meet a couple of online ones in person. I'm not sure what's wrong with the folks in the latter camp, but for some reason they liked us enough to not let us pay for breakfast. Thanks again, guys. We'll be happy to return the favour any time. And thanks to the old friends for everything. Twas a great weekend, and trust me, never again will I make the mistake of calling your apple cinnamon coffee bread cinnamon coffee bread. I meant neither to underestimate or offend it. It was a lovely creation, and I deeply apologize to it.

For those of you who care about such things, I'm still tied for the lead in the PWInsider pay-per-view pick 'em contest. I'm tied with a different person, but still tied. I can't seem to get first place all to myself, but honestly I'm just happy I'm a contender with only 3 shows to go.

Since I'm insane, I'm thinking about signing up for the TNA/ROH version they're going to run. Yes, you read that correctly. These people are going to try to make figuring out TNA a thing. I figure what can it hurt? If I'm going to watch the shit anyway I might as well try getting some found money out of it.

On the subject of wrestling since I don't talk much about it anymore, Mark Henry is awesome lately. Somehow, after 15 years, WWE has finally figured out how to present him. Slowly but surely they're turning him into one of the only believable characters in the company. The more they let him mow through people and bust things up, the more it feels like indeed, this fellow could and would kick the living hell out of me if given the chance. Wrestling needs more of that sort of thing if it wants to keep people interested and paying.

One more thing before I get out of here. I think I may have mentioned this on one of the recent audios we did, but why are we in such a hurry to get rid of summer and bring on Christmas this year? Seriously, we didn't even make it through Labour Day before people were putting summer in the ground and talking about how there were only a hundred and whatever days to Christmas. Listen, people. I'm going to say this as nicely as I can. Fuck the fuck off with that, you irritating sonsofbitches! We shouldn't be hearing a peep about Christmas from absolutely anyone until the staying type of snow is on the ground or December starts, whichever comes first. Feel free to start your shopping before then if you'd like, that's fine. It never hurts to beat the crowds and it's nice to not have to do it all at once. But please, keep it to yourself. Some of us really can't stand winter and are beginning to feel similarly about Christmas, and you're not helping.

I hate to end things on kind of a downer, so I'll leave you with this instead.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad golfer: *Whack* "Aww shit!
Bad skydiver: "Aww shit!" *Whack*

Ahh, much better.

Enjoy today's baseball if that's your thing. I personally can't wait to watch what I hope will be the first round end of the Yankees. Between that and Boston not making it at all, there might be enough happiness to make me like Christmas again.

A Few Quick Jokes For Your Friday Afternoon

It's been a little while, so here are a few random jokes that have been tossed my way recently. Sorry for the smaller batch. I haven't been the best about saving the good ones these days. As usual, some are stupid, some you'll laugh at, some might just get you a little upset. I'll leave it to you to decide which are which.

*Q: What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?
A: Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke.

*Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: His wife died.

*I was talking to my friend earlier when suddenly I wondered, who names their kid Earlier?

*Q: What did Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both had a 10-year-old crack addiction.

*Some priests told the children that it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible, according to Mathew 10, Luke 8 and John 12.

*Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love & get married.  The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

*I watched a film with a twist at the end last night. It completely ruined the projector.

*I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

*A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"

"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"

"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."

"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said. "You guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."

"Wait," he interrupts in a very indignant tone. "CHICKENS?!"

Rogers: Canada's Most Reliable Customer Ridicule Target

The news that Rogers is looking to start its own bank has gotten the world talking. Ok, so people aren't so much talking as they are not knowing about it, ignoring it entirely or pointing and laughing, but bringing that up would kind of ruin my bit, so for our purposes the world is a buzz.

Word is that the new financial institution would be called Rogers Bank (How many millions worth of customer money went to the consultants who thought that one up?), and would mainly focus on credit cards and cellphone payment schemes rather than being a traditional bank. Not a traditional bank? Speaking of things that would ruin my bit...geesh, cut a hack writer a break, would ya?

but hey, let's not let the facts get in the way of a good story. If Rogers says it's a bank now, then goddammit it's a bank now. And if rogers is a bank now, what would it be like? I was thinking about this and dumping what I came up with on Twitter, but decided to share with the rest of you because I was having so much fun. And hey, maybe somebody's got some ideas I didn't think of.

I started out with the obvious.

So I hear Rogers is thinking about starting its own bank. Makes sense since the sonsofbitches already have most of our money.

Which was followed by the almost as obvious.

And for Rogers, the hard part of starting a bank is done. They already have fees and contracts nobody can fucking explain down to an art.

Which then caused our good pal James to join in the fun.

Yeah. You can only deposit $100/month on their lowest plan. They charge $10 for every dollar over.

Well done.

Those wise words got me pondering the customer experience, and the real fun was well underway.

If you call Rogers Bank because your ATM isn't working, they'll tell you to go to an ATM for more information about the outage.

Rogers Bank hit a wrong button and screwed up my account. I called and they told me it wasn't an issue on their end and to fix it myself.

By default, Rogers Bank will only let you see your basic money. If you want to buy anything, you have to sign up for banking on demand.

And then James chimed in again.

But you can only call Rogers Bank by dialing 611 on your Rogers cell phone. If you don't have a Rogers cell phone, you'll be provided with instructions on where to go and how to get one.

Given the whole smartphone payment idea, man's probably right.

And so far anyway, this is the last one I could come up with.

Rogers bank will consist of regional Banknet branches. There'll be a national one called Banknet 1, but almost nobody will have access to it.

All this dumping on Rogers almost makes me feel better about paying the next bill. Who am I kidding, no it doesn't. But for now, it's the best I've got. If it's the best you've got too and you think I've missed something, let me know.

Oh wait, I thought of one more.

Rogers Bank is open every morning at 8, but no employees show up until at least 11:30.

Exercise With Your Dog

Saw this on a couple of lists, laughed, so I thought it could have a place here.

Exercising With Your Dog

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

Termite

I just tweeted this, but I figure while I wait for everyone to unfollow me I might as well kill off the rest of the readership.

After a long day of work, a termite walks into a saloon and asks the person behind the counter, "Is the bar tender here?"

Text Message Shorthand For The Elderly

I got a chuckle out of some of these, and I'm sure they'll come in handy for a few of you.

We've all seen the texting shortcuts used by kids -- LOL (Laughing Out Loud), CUL8R (See You Later), etc. It's time older folks got in on the action -- yet our daily concerns are different from youngsters'.

With that, expect to start seeing these shortcuts from your older friends:

ATD - At The Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend Fell

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

and...

TTYL - Talk To You Louder

British Burgers

All hatemail resulting from this should be aimed squarely at Brad.

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow!?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

Photo Op

As much as I'd like to take credit for it, this one's not my fault. Blame Brad.

Got a phone call from a mate last night. He had just got back from a trip to London, and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top-of-the-range camera absolutely free.

I asked, "Where did you get that?"

He said, "I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar Square, and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when they asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them, and handed me a camera. They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera. Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!', and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again."

A Few Jokes From The Old Inbox

Enough of this election stuff for now, le'ts offend some people!

*In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.

*I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

*A new Muslim clothing shop opened here, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

*You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.

*The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches to the bottom of my driveway.

It's Listen Up, Not Light Up

This story of a very drunk man trying to light his hearing aid thinking it was a cigarette reminds me of this old joke.

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Stanley noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

"I have? A suppository?" exclaimed Joe. He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said, "Stanley, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

A Public Service Announcement From Your Pet Loving Friends At The Vomit Comet

Today is both National Puppy Day and Near Miss day. So if you can't find your dog, check under a car.

The Importance Of Capitalization

Ann sent me this yesterday, and I chuckled. How true.

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages & email, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. Grammar is important, let's not forget it!

Oh boy is it ever.

Funnily enough, that joke reminded me of this old legend. So it appears forgetting about grammar is older than we thought.

And is it me or is there one weirdly-placed comma in the joke?

Is He Mad?

A Newfoundlander was walking past his neighbor one day with his dog in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Where you going, boy," the neighbor asked.

"To shoot my dog," the Newfy replied.

"Is he mad," asked the neighbor.

"Well," the Newfy begins, "he's not too happy about it."

New deodorant

I got a request to post more of the stuff that mom sends me. Luckily this landed in my inbox this morning, so you're getting your wish.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk now, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.