Well Whooda Thunk It?

Today I was running around doing errands, and since I'm hoping to graduate this year, I decided to tie up loose ends. I received a nice snippy email from the university that said, "well we're acknowledging that we received your application to graduate, but don't expect to be let out if you have any library fines, parking fines, outstanding fees at financial services, or any other crap on your record there young lady!" So I toddled over to the library to make sure I didn't have any fines. I was pretty sure I didn't have any, because the way I use the library is for journal articles most of the time, so it doesn't require any books being taken out. But this nagging voice said, "You did take a couple books out, so you might have something, who knows."

And ya know what? I did have a fine. Apparently two years ago, I was late to return a video. So they fined me 5 bucks. Thank god fines don't accumulate interest. Otherwise I might have to pay a small fortune, after having paied a small fortune already.

I love how universities work. Everywhere else in the known universe, if you owe something, if you don't pay it after a while, you get a friendly nudging letter saying, "Hey! Numbnuts! Pay your fine!" But not the university. It's like they're just waiting for you to not realize that you have a $5 fine so they can say, "you can't graduate now, that'll be $90 please, cha ching, ha ha ha ha ha." I'm just glad I listen to my nagging voices. They just saved my butt.

Hey Big Spender!

I just heard the funniest thing on the radio as I was coming home on the bus. The local radio station is holding a contest where some DJ names a random product on the Mcdonalds menu, and if someone can remember it hours later, and calls in, they win...wait for it...dinner for 4 at Mcdonalds! Like holy man. I know Mcdonalds food is overpriced, but a radio station? Giving away dinner for 4 at Mcdonalds? What's next, a Tim Horton's coffee as the prize?

Hey, winning is cool. I'm just picturing this family going to Mcdonalds to claim their prize. Will they take it through the drive-through? I mean usually dinner prizes are to nice restaurants. So as a special occasion, you go out courtesy of the radio station. But Mcdonalds? What would make it even funnier is if it was a dinner for two at Mcdonalds. I can hear it now. "Have a nice romantic evening on us. We love to see you smile."

Wow, That Sounds Like Fun

I'm so glad that my Sesame Street watching days came when the show's creators still realized that cartoons could be educational and fun at the same time.

According to
this story,
the show's new season will feature a new health craze that goes so far that Cookie Monster can't even be Cookie Monster anymore because kids apparently don't understand that a cartoon character eating cookies like a maniac isn't real which would in turn send the message to them that they should be doing the same thing. And in related news, I just put a down payment on a new trash can so I can be just like Oscar the Grouch, because if he can live in one then dammit, why can't I?

Seriously, where does this sort of stupidity end? Are they going to take Oscar out of his garbage can because it might send the message that homeless people who happen to live in one are pissed off all the time? Come to think of it, they probably are, but that's beside the point. The point is that Sesame Street shouldn't have to or even want to do this. I mean if you aren't spending even the minimal time required with your own children to teach them the difference between real and pretend, then maybe you shouldn't have any to begin with. It's not Sesame Street's job to raise your kids, it's yours. and to me, if you don't have time to do a little better than a half assed job of it, you don't respect your children enough to miss them when somebody with more sense takes them away from you, so what do you care?

It sounds harsh I know, but I'm sick and tired of negligent parents blaming everything and everyone but themselves for how their kids turned out. I understand that there's such a thing as outside influences, but Jesus Christ, do your parental duty and try your best to keep them in check and balanced out. You owe them at least that much.

I've Heard Of Stranger Things Than This, But It's Still Weird

A man from Senegal has invented what he's calling an automatic condom fitter that he claims will make it easier for guys to put on a condom without ruining the flow of the action and spoiling the mood. Mor Maty Seck, the inventor in question, also claims that with enough practice a man can use the device without the woman even realizing it. Uh...sure.

You can read more and even see a picture of this thing by clicking
here.

And While We're at it...

When Steve wrote his Jehova's Witness post, he reminded me of something I thought up a while ago. Do you ever wonder if the Jehova's Witnesses were the ones who came up with the idea of telemarketing? Think about it. Telemarketers and Jehova's Witnesses like to harass you in your home, particularly at times when they think everyone will be home. They both get rewarded for how many people they convert, whether it be to the Watchtower or to Sprint. They're both very pushy and don't take no for an answer very easily. Neither of them have much regard for holidays. By the sounds of it, both are pretty highly monitored, and get told what to do in a lot of respects. And some telemarketers even try and get your address so they can mail you an information package, where the Jehova's Witness tries to leave behind a copy of the Watchtower! The more I think about it, the more it seems like they've been behind this all along. It's been a big conspiracy. Anyone else convinced yet?

When You Absolutely, Positively Have To Fall Asleep Right Now

Greg just pointed me in the direction of what could easily be the most boring thing I've ever had the misfortune of experiencing. Golf. But not just any golf, we're talking about golf that's being broadcasted on the radio.

Seriously, if you click
here,
you can listen to Masters Radio, hosted by guys who make watching paint dry sound like a dandy night on the town.

Your hosts are some British guy who talks about nothing for as long as he possibly can before throwing it to a not British guy who is talking so quietly that you can't hear a goddamn word he says, and who seems to be so hard up for action to call that he's perfectly willing to spend 4 minutes talking about a shot that Tiger Woods is almost but not quite ready to make.

And as if that weren't bad enough, when they throw it to a commercial break, the internet audience is treated to some other lame guy in the broadcast centre who's job it is to review everything we just heard about in the dullest way possible until the other guys get back from the can or the food wagon, or wherever boring guys go when they have a few minutes to kill. Maybe they just stand there talking to one another about what's happening, who knows?

But whatever the case, I challenge all of you to try to listen to this stuff for more than 5 minutes. It's harder than it sounds, trust me.

Jehovah's Witness Aptitude Test

If you've ever wondered whether or not being a Jehovah's Witness is for you, here's a
handy quiz
that can tell you.

Apparently I'm only 17% capable of being one, since I place too much value on personal freedom of choice and generally don't like church much, 2 things that signify an attitude problem.

Ok, I'm Officially Creeped Out

I've seen a lot of crazy and disgusting things in my time, but I think
this
is right up near the top.

You'd think that with a title like "Natural Harvest Cooking: An inspirational collection of semen based recipes," that "Cooking With Cum – The Book!" couldn't possibly be for real. Well at least that's what I thought until I looked it up and couldn't find anything saying that it wasn't. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough or something but the serious references I found to it in other places kind of frightened me into not doing any further investigating.

I dare you to click the link and read what they have to say, even though part of their site is gone because of some bandwidth problems. What they left up pretty much explains what's going on there.

And if any of you get the urge so to speak, feel free to email them and ask what's so inspirational about spunking on a bran muffin.

The Incredible Popeman

Here's proof that all of the best drugs really do come from Colombia. the Pope is going to be starring in his own comic book series. Entitled "Incredible Popeman," the comics will feature the late JP 2.0 fighting against evil, decked out in his anti-devil cape and special chastity pants, which I'm guessing he wears to protect himself from the advances of any other super hero clergy he might meet along the way.

Along with the comics, Popeman's creators also have action figures in the works.

You can
click here
to check this out for yourselves. Just remember that these people are probably going to hell because laughing at the Pope most likely isn't cool yet according to the rules set forth by people without a sense of humour.

Something You Don't See Every Day

I don't know how bizarre anyone else will think this is, but I thought it was pretty weird. I had to go to an ophthalmologist, yes, I found one that wasn't for dogs, and he was even in this city, wow! Anyway, I came in and went to the secretary. She asked me the usual questions, and asked for my health card. She took it, and started to type...on a typewriter! That's right. Not on a computer. On a typewriter. I haven't seen one of those in an office since...hmmm...when? A long time ago anyway. Part of me wondered if my ears were deceiving me and it was just that clunky fake typing noise that programs like ICQ make. But oh no, it was the real thing. I got to thinking, if they can't afford a computer for the secretary, what's the state of their eye-checking equipment? I was very glad all I needed was for him to look at me and realize that I was just about as blind as they come. Anyway, it was just something weird I was thinking about as I write the last paper ever for my degree, so I thought I'd share it.

Wrestlemania Results

Yeah, I'm posting this a little bit late, but if you're looking for ongoing results of Wrestlemania, check out
The Salty Ham Forums
where I've got a thread going updating results and important happenings throughout the night as the show goes on.

Wrestlemania Roundtable

Tonight is WWE's biggest show of the year, and since the Salty Ham server is actually working today, today is also the day when Roland pastes together emails that a bunch of us sent him to create a feature that has come to be known as the PPV Roundtable. And since what we're roundtabling just so happens to be Wrestlemania, it's only fitting that this one is also known as the
Wrestlemania 21 Roundtable.

Go have a look at who I picked for the big event tonight and feel free to agree or disagree. A bunch of other people picked too, but since they're all going to be wrong and I'm going to win in a landslide they really don't matter too much even though they're good people.

Waaa Waaa Waaa

I don't get this. Every year when it's time to spring ahead with the clocks, I hear the classic complaint. "We lose an hour of sleep." This is what I don't get. Sure we lose an hour of sleep, for a little while, but what we gain is several hours of light for months! Ever heard the expression short-term pain for long-term gain? And we don't even lose it on a weekday! For the people who have to work on Sunday, it has to suck a bit, but for the rest of us, what's the problem? I don't know, to me, that's far better than the alternative. Sure we gain an hour of sleep in the fall, but it's fucking dingy at 5 at night! And I never hear along with it...yeah but we get so much more light. It's always concern with the sleep. Come on, are we that sleep-deprived? Maybe there's something I'm missing, or maybe it's because I really really hate winter, but I'll take the loss in sleep if I get the warm weather and gain in light any day.

More Links

This isn't much of a post, just wanted to let everybody know I added a bunch more links to the links bar thingy, so enjoy...or tell me if any of them don't work. They should, but anything's possible.

Stupid Commercials

I had the radio on and I heard a commercial that stopped me in my tracks. It was a commercial for some charity called Operation Eyesight. Apparently this dude feels like he's making a difference because he's giving money every month to them and they help prevent eye diseases in developing countries, and if he gives so much a month, it'll pay for one eye operation to help someone see again.

Ok, the first part is cool. If they can get rid of nasty things that cause disease, that's cool. But I hope this guy knows that eye operations are far from having a perfect success rate. Ask a lot of blind people why they're blind, and they'll say it's due to a failed eye operation. And that's in developed countries. Imagine what this charity has to contend with in developing countries. I just hope this charity is honest, and tells him about all the ones that they operated on with the help of his money and the operation failed, along with all the ones they apparently healed.

And now I sound like an ungrateful bitch. I'm not saying I'm against the charity per se. I just don't like all the misinformation I see. This is sorta along the same line as Steve's post about The United Way. the commercial makes everybody think, oh give a little money and some problem will go away. The last line made me laugh. It said, "Am I making a difference? Well, ask 2-year-old Mahocknabock in Bangladesh. He can see again." I pictured it if the guy knew the real story. "Am I making a difference? Well, ask 2-year-old Mahocknabock in Bangladesh. They tried to fix his eyes, and now instead of seeing blobs, he sees nothing because his retina disintegrated when they tried to fix it."

God, the All-Knowing, All-Seeing, All-Powerful Bitch

Sorry for being gone for so long, I really don't have much of an excuse. For the first part of the week, I just had no inspiration. Then my computer died. Oh it's very dead and in the shop...I'm so happy I have my old computer still being pretty functional.

Anyway, I got thinking about this the other day, and all the "god loves you" ads just fueled it. I don't get the two main principles of religion. It just seems that if they were cars and you put them on the road and called it logic, they'd be headed for a head-on collision. But hey, I guess religion is full of those. I shouldn't be surprised. But here's my problem.

Principle a. God is all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful. Don't fuck with God. Notice that a good man is a god-fearing man? Why does he have to be god-fearing?
Principle b. Pray to god and ask him for things and he'll give them to you. Hand all your worries over to god and let him handle it.

Now, if you were an all-knowing all -powerful being, would you put up with 6 billion children going "I want I want I want gimme gimme gimme waa waa waa" all day? No Sirree Bob! You'd be telling them off, ignoring them, and just plain getting pissed off. Until you can prove to me there is a perfect being, there's no such thing. Hell if ya read the bible, sure God got mad and said, "fuck mercy, kill 'em all." I don't care what you say, that means he has flaws, faults, and the only reason people don't want to admit that is they would prefer, for the sake of their blind faith, to make up more excuses, and set more cars on a head-on collision course on Logic way.

Also, if he's all-powerful and you don't want to fuck with him, why does everyone seem to think he's their personal bitch? They're always telling him to bless people, praying to him to save people, asking him for help. I dunno, that sounds more like an errand boy to me than a god. No one would go to a king or the Prime Minister or the President and ask him for guidance in every little thing. Hell, you can't get near the President, and he's not even all-powerful! I won't speak to whether you can get tnear the Prime Minister, because people seem to be able to scale fenses and get into his bedroom and need to be fended off with eskimo carvings, so it seems you can get to him. But if you told your buddies, "Hey, I'm going to go see the Prime Minister and askhim for help on what to do about my marital problems,"your friends would probably think you were out of your mind and call the funny farm. So why is someone who's supposed to have umpteen million times the power of any human holder of power going to give our trivial problems any time? Hell in the words of religion he's making the rains come and turning the earth! Does he have time for us? Doubt it. It just makes no sense. Anyone else following this logic? Man, if there is a god, I'm so totally going to hell. Oh well, if he really wanted me to know he was there, he'd do something to prove it. "Oh no, God's not like that. If you don't ask him for help, he just goes away." Wait a minute wait a minute. What about all those people he got pissed at for doubting him? And why did he show himself so often in the old days? I'm sure people didn't just believe him straight off. Oo, look over on logic way. I see something. Two sets of headlights. *smash!* Oo that was a deadly head-on collision. Wonder if there were any survivers?

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie

These made me laugh, and the site needs updating, so here they are.

~"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

~"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

~"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."

~"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

~"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

~"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

~"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

~"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

~"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

~"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

~"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

~"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... ...Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

No Marley No Film

BBC asks long-dead Bob Marley for interview

LONDON (AFP) - A red-faced BBC apologised for requesting an interview with Bob Marley, the Jamaican reggae legend who died 24 years ago.

BBC Three, one of the public broadcaster's digital TV channels, sent an e-mail to the Bob Marley Foundation saying it wanted to do a documentary about his hit song "No Woman No Cry".

It said the project would involve Marley -- who died of cancer in May 1981 at the age of 36 -- "spending one or two days with us", and that "it would only work with some participation from Bob Marley himself".

In a statement, the BBC said: "We are obviously very embarrassed that we didn't realise that the letter to the Marley Foundation did not acknowledge that Mr Marley is no longer with us."

Marley would have been 60 last February 6, a date that was celebrated with great fanfare by his legion of fans worldwide.

A BBC press officer, contacted by AFP in London on Friday, confirmed that the gaffe was not an April Fool's joke.

This Is So Wrong

I wish that I'd known about this sooner. Perhaps if more of us had, this whole sad situation could have been avoided. What am I talking about you ask? Well, it turns out that for the last few months, Terri Schiavo has had her very own
blog,
and that as recently as March 27th, she was posting her thoughts and opinions on anything and everything for all of us to see. How could so many have missed this? It's so wrong and on behalf of all of us Terri, I'm sorry.

The Old Negro Space Program

this
is the best documentary I've ever seen. Up until now I had no idea that the Black NASA even existed. I guess the black blackout must have really happened. Why else would this have never been covered in history class?

The movie is a little long, but it's worth it.