The Do It Yourself World Tour Rolls On Top Of Guelph

Neither of these incidents will ever find itself in the bad time for whackin' off hall of fame, but they're worth a mention since it's rare that this sort of thing happens here in guelph, home of Vomit Comet World HQ. Even better is that both of them happened in completely different places...on the same day!

First up (that was awful and I'm truly sorry) we have a fellow who must have missed the L in public transit.

The bus driver saw two girls get up from the back of the bus and move to the front of the bus.

The girls told the driver that a man at the back of the bus was touching himself in a sexual manner, the release said.

The driver asked the girls to stay at the front of the bus and instructed other riders to do the same. When he let the girls out at Hands Drive, he asked them to stick around in case police wanted to speak with them, it said.

Police met the bus at the University Centre stop and identified the suspect male, but when they returned to speak to the two girls they were unable to find them.

Yes, Hands Drive. Best part of the story... hands down.

And then there's this guy, who even brought friends along. What, too shy to ask them for some help?

Police are looking for a man accused of touching himself in a sexual manner in the change room of a Stone Road Mall store.

The man came into the store accompanied by two women at 5 p.m. on May 22.

He asked an employee for help selecting clothing before going into the change room, where he started touching himself, the release said. The employee ordered him out of the store, and he left with the two women.

As far as I know, there's no truth to the rumour that they're changing the name of the place to the Rock Hard Mall in honour of this event.

Both suspects are still at large, not that largeness matters.

I apologize for all of the horrible, horrible jokes in this post. I know I know, what's the difference, right? I think it must be the heat. We don't have our air conditioner put in yet. I thought about hanging out in a grocery store for a little while to cool down, but after reading all this stuff I'm kinda afraid of getting anywhere near the meat section.

Weee! It's A Flying Blind Guy!

After we wrote about Wess and Ian's blind guy stories, our buddy Martin emailed me with a gem of his own. I have to put it up because when I read it, I began to laugh and laugh and laugh, to the point that I couldn't tell Steve what I was on about and I had to let JAWS read it.

True story.

A guy I knew from New Brunswick (Saint John to be exact) was plodding up to a street corner and he stopped to get his bearings.  Two guys walked up on each side of him, lifted him off the ground and carried him across the street.  Bob thanked them and added that he did not really want to cross to this side, where they promptly picked him up and returned him to the original side of the street.  While Bob was relating this story to me, I just about broke my back laughing.

I did too, and so did Steve. Well the guys got their good deed of the day, and lots of extra exercise! Good on poor Bob for not freaking out as he was being hoisted through the air. I don't think I could do so well.

You know, it's amazing that didn't happen to me more in the pre-dog days. I think now they wouldn't dare because they'd have to pick up a dog too, but I'm kind of small and light. Hell, I think Steve can pick me up with one arm.

Damn, that's a gooder.

Goalie Fights!

Hockey fans or fans of great things in general, prepare to meet the doom of the next half hour or so of your life thanks to this Houses of the Hockey collection of goalie fights!

There are some gooders in here, including my favourite of all time. Yes, Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall is here. Wait, as I look closer I notice that their version has been taken down. Dammit, hold on a second. Ahh, here we go. Love how the commentators are making it sound like Hextall won. That's cute, homers.

Have fun.

The Service Here Bites

It's been a while since we've had a dentist story, so let's fix that, shall we?

Florida dentist Michael Hammonds, 57, is facing assault and battery charges after getting into a bit of a fight and screaming match with an 85-year-old woman over a denture procedure that wasn't going well.

According to cops, Michael Hammonds, 57, was attempting to adjust Virginia Graham’s “lower partial dentures” when the senior citizen “began screaming” due to pain caused by the ill-fitting false teeth.

“Graham removed the partials from her mouth and threw them at Hammonds, which he caught,” according to a Volusia County Sheriff’s Office report.

When Hammonds refused Graham’s demand for a $900 refund, she tried to snatch the dentures from the dentist’s hand, prompting a “brief tug-of-war.” At that point, “Graham then bent down and bit Hammonds hand forcing him to let go of the partial.”

Graham then got out of the operating chair and sought to leave Hammonds’s Deltona office. But the dentist “got in her face and began screaming at her, causing her to fear that he would potentially cause her harm,” investigators reported. Graham told deputies that Hammonds physically kept her from leaving his office. She “made one final attempt to leave by trying to climb over the receptionist desk and out the receptionists window,” but abandoned that bid in order to avoid injury.

Sheriff’s deputies observed “multiple bruising” on Graham’s upper arms and forearms, and her “left upper arm was bleeding due to her skin tearing when Hammonds grabbed her arm.”

So far, there haven't been any charges filed against Graham for biting him or throwing things, likely because well, she's 85. then again, age has never been something to stop the authorities in the past, and some of those old people are still pretty damn tough and in control of themselves. Hard call.

I think the reason our dentist friend took it on the chin so hard (felony assault, battery and false imprisonment) has a lot to do with the part where he didn't just let the crazy woman leave. Taking old folks hostage when it looks like you've beaten them up a little can't help but look bad even if you're completely in the right, which I have no idea whether or not he was. Either way, not smart.

The Manual Gets Some Editions From People Other Than Us

I just realized that I haven't updated the blind guy user's manual in a bit. I don't have any new blind guy stories, but boy do some others.

Wes Derby wrote about this woman who just had to grab and drag him onto his bus. This woman has been told multiple times that her brand of help is not helpful, and could actually injure him, but she won't listen because, wait for it, she knows what's best for him and the rest of the line of passengers. Ug. I feel for him, knowing each time he goes to catch the bus, she could be there and he won't know until he is being unceremoniously manhandled and dragged the way she has decided he should go today.

He was talking about it on Twitter, and it made me think of Ian Hamilton, a Scottish journalist who is blind and writes lots of funny columns about being blind and the stuff he encounters. I was looking for the column in which he describes being physically lifted onto bus steps, but I can't find it. What I did find was a whole blog full of things he has noticed. Read it if you're blind, you'll probably laugh. Read it if you're sighted. You'll probably either chuckle, learn something, or both.

I wish I had a personal story to end this with, but happily I don't. I can't think of anything weird that's happened to me lately, and this is a good thing.

Good luck with the crazy on the bus, Wes.

Either This One's On The House Or I'll Give You A Whippy, Mister.

How did that old saying go? I scream, you scream, we all beat the wholly christ out of the driver and run off with his money when he refuses to give us free icecream?

The offender was turned away when he asked for a free ice-cream.

However, when the driver hopped in the front seat to drive away the man leapt in through the service window and threw a bottle at him, Detective Darryn Gabb said.

He then hit him with a flurry of punches which left the victim battered and bruised, Mr Gabb said.

The offender asked where the till was and stole about $550.

Police are still looking for him and the Mr. Whippy (seriously, that's what it's called) owner the driver works for has offered a $100 reward for any tips leading to an arrest.

Sir, That's Not A Traytable. Please Take It Out Of The Upright Position

Update: Pearce has plead guilty to a misdemeanor and will be sentenced August 19th. He's currently free on $25000 bond and has already been ordered to undergo a mental evaluation and get counseling as conditions attached to that freedom.

Air travel can at times be a stressful, boring experience. But there are better ways to get through it than pulling...er...so to speak, a Kyle Pearce. Bring a book. Listen to some music. Write something. Almost anything but playing with your carry-on bag until you spill a few ounces of dangerous liquids on the seat.

As detailed by Daniel, an 18-year-old woman told investigators that she was seated in row 18 next to Pearce, who was in an aisle seat. “I sat next to a man on a plane who was masterbating [sic]. I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” the teenager recalled in a written statement. She added, “He ejaculated & got some on the seat. Then he went to the bathroom for a long time.”

A passenger seated directly behind Pearce, 18-year-old Grayson Miller, recalled that, “My friend Zach turned to me and said, ‘That man is masturbating’ and in disbelief, I looked and saw his penis and he was.” In his written statement, Miller reported that, “I hit him with my book in the arm, which caused him to stop and leave to the bathroom” in the Airbus A319.

If convicted of the indecency charges he now faces, Pearce is looking at a maximum of 90 days in jail, $5000 in fines and a year of supervised release.

Supervised release? Isn't that how he got himself into trouble in the first place?

Look Dad, No Brains!

Dumb: holding onto a moving SUV, pushing a skateboard out in front and then sort of jumping onto it.
Dumber: driving the SUV for the skateboarder, your son. How stupid is this guy? Any decent dad wouldn't do this. Well, now this one's son is in the hospital with some pretty significant head injuries.

A Sex Offender? At Six?

I've talked about the Aaron Hart case before. But I somehow think this case is worse.

A six-year-old boy and a five-year-old girl were found outside in a not so good position. The girl had her pants down and it looked to the mom of the girl like the boy had his fingers inside her. But according to both kids, they were playing "butt doctor." This would make sense since the boy had had to go through enemas and things recently.

But instead of just talking to the kids about things they shouldn't do, the case has gone to the courts, and prosecution wants to label the kid a sexual predator.

Hellooo, he's six. How many kids played doctor when they were that age? How many kids did things they probably shouldn't have? To label him with such a serious handle at that age is crazy.

They claim it's so the boy can get the services he needs. But according to his parents, he already is receiving services, and he is cognitively behind your average six-year-old.

I know some of those other things they mentioned sound kind of weirder than playing doctor, like grabbing the babysitter's breasts and taking off his clothes and rubbing himself on her, but I would think it would be a smarter course of action to start wondering if *he* has been abused, rather than calling him a sex offender. He's six! Good god.

This is brutal. Brutal and depressing. After all the research people have done into child behaviour, you'd think people in the justice system would be able to think more reasonably.

Rubba Dub Dub, Sexual Abuse In The Tub?

I always thought that social service agencies were supposed to look out for the welfare of children. After stories like this, I have to question what their mission is.

A Swedish woman was separated from her husband, but they shared custody of their two small children. After a few months, the woman started to notice that her kids were doing strange things in the tub. Fearing they were being sexually abused, she took her concerns to police, who dropped the charges due to lack of evidence.

Her lawyer then told her to film some of these behaviours and show the tape to police. She did, and showed it to police and social services. They decided that *she* was creating pornographic material, arrested her, and stripped her of custody of the children. And where did the kids go? Back to daddy! Apparently there was no evidence that he was abusing them, but her allowing them to continue the behaviour in the tub was abuse, and filming them could do untold damage to them. Oh yeah, and what about the actions that taught them about these behaviours? What kind of damage are they doing?

The case has been taken to a higher authority. I hope *somebody* has some goddamn sense.

Hey, Prison Guardin' Boy, Put The Chip Chip Chip Bag Down, Smack! Smack!

Life in the prison system must really suck. I mean, if people can get in a fight over a bag of chips, it must be pretty miserable. Oh, I forgot to mention, the people fighting over food were...two guards! An inmate actually tried to break up their fight, and the poor guy got teeth knocked out for his trouble.

And one of the men's names was Lawrence Mule. Maybe he was too stubborn to give up the bag of chips. And because there was a mule involved, muleskinner blues got in my head, so have a soundtrack.

Keep Your Friends Close And Your Enemas Closer

Hmmm. This is just weird.

This is the story. Wish I had more details. One sunday afternoon, an unnamed man who is apparently pretty close to blind got a knock on his door. "I'm here to give you an enema," a woman said. He had just had some intestinal surgery, so thought maybe this was ordered by his doctor. So, he let her in, she gave him an enema, then left.

Then a couple of days later, he started to wonder if this was normal. So he called police. They checked with his doctor and found that no enema was prescribed or ordered.

Um, oh boy. Now he's wondering exactly what she gave him, although he has suffered no ill effects, and the police have no physical description of this woman, nor do they have any identification cards or anything.

That's just weird. I wish they'd solved the case, because I'd love to know what motivated this woman to give a random enema to a random man. And has she done this before? Where most people do a good deed for someone, does she go out seeking random enema patients?

Pictures Of Littluns, Gave The Cops An Eye Full

Here's the story of John M. Kohler. Someone called the cops, complaining that he was outside wacking off to kids walking by. They came and found him lying on his back on his porch. When they asked him for ID, he told them they could come in while he looked for it. I guess he forgot about the scads of child porn taped to his walls and headboard of his bed.

Eeeewww. This guy mustn't have friends or family come to visit him at all. Child porn taped up on the wall where one would usually hang family photos?

Well at least he was honest. He told the cops about the rest of his stash. If he's found guilty of all those charges, he'll have to tape pictures to the walls of his jail cell.

Surprise! You're Going To Jail!

Ok we have a new twist on the whole "Do I have warrants?" theme, thanks to David Williams of Surprise, Arizona, which is a fitting name for something like this to happen in.

Williams waltzed up to a police officer and asked him if he had ever arrested him before. He hadn't, but Williams had a warrant, so he arrested him now. Why in christ would you ask a question like that? If you have warrants, keep a low profile! Why does it matter if the cop has arrested you before?

Signs Of Trouble

Now here's a scary thought. A group of folks were out at a bar. They all happened to be deaf. So, they were havin' a grand old time, and of course they communicate by signing.

Some crazy woman from a gang thought they were flashing rival gang signs at her, so flashed some signs of her own back at them. They must have thought she was making fun of them, so made gestures at her indicating they wanted her to leave them alone.

She didn't like that, no not at all, so went and rounded up a couple of buds with knives. They came back and stabbed the group of deaf folks a bunch of times. Luckily, nobody died, but gees that would be scary!

Now Barbara Lee and her two buds with knives have a whole list of charges. Listen, lady, not every gesture is directed at you.

Bringing A Whole New Meaning To Cybersex

And I thought the RealTouch was nasty.

Some japanese scientists have created a kissing machine.

The lab, part of The University of Electro-Communications, posted a video in which a researcher demonstrates the "Kiss Transmission Device." It's a motorized box that looks a little like a police Breathalyzer.

Talk about your moment killer.

In the video, Nobuhiro Takahashi, a graduate student and researcher at the university, manipulates the plastic tube on one device with his tongue. A program stores the movements on a computer and then transmits them to another device, causing its tube to move -- presumably in someone else's mouth.

Oooo! Sounds sooo hot! Not!

They say they want to simulate a full person to person experience. Gross! I don't think I could get into doin' it with a bunch of tubes. I know they say they want to make it feel more real, but I would think you could only go so far.

Now here's a creepy couple of sentences for you.

"Kiss information" can be recorded and replayed, presumably meaning someone could save and share a "kiss" over and over.

"For example, if you have a popular entertainer use this device and record it, that could be hugely popular if you offer it to fans," Takahashi said. (Can you say, Justin Bieber?)

Total Blech. I think the reporter had an apt name for this story. His last name was Gross.

You, Put Out My Lights, I Have No Hope, To Carry On...

I don't know why I feel the need to write about this. I just read yesterday that Joseph Brooks, the one who wrote "You Light Up My Life", committed suicide.

You'd think that would be reason enough to write about it. Who stopped lighting up his life? Where was all the hope to carry on? But not only did he take his own life, but it appears he had been charged with multiple sexual assaults. Wow, if it was true, then he knew how to suck the light out of other people's lives.

What a weird way to die. A bag around his head, a towel around his neck and a hose going from helium tank to bag.

I used to sing that song. I don't think I'll ever be able to think of it the same way again.

Does This Article Hold Any Water?

Whenever someone new follows me on Twitter, I always have a boo at their timeline to decide whether I want to follow them back, or to make sure they aren't a spammer. I was looking at a new follower last night, and saw this in their timeline. How much water should a dog drink in a day? The amount shocked me, and made me question lots of stuff in this article.

The article says that dogs should drink an ounce of water for every pound of weight they have. That means Trixeroo should be drinking something in the neighbourhood of 52 ounces of water! Yeesh! She certainly goes and has frequent drinks, but I don't know if she drinks that much. Nor do I think she could hold all of that. If she drinks more than usual, she has to pee a lot more, and it will actually cause her poop to be kind of runny. Ah, always back to the poop. Or there was that one time when she and another dog had a water drinking contest and then she couldn't contain it and had a big ol' accident on the carpet. She never has accidents, so that was a shocker for me.

And here's another thing the article says. It recommends having a drinking fountin for dogs. Now, how the hell does that work? Does it just keep dripping water all day? Isn't that kind of wasteful? Or does the dog being near set it off? If that's the case, wouldn't it be hard to show the dog that there is water if they just put their ugly mug under the tap?

It says water consumption will go up drastically. Now, is that because of the whole running fresh water thing being more appealing like the article suggests, or is it because the dog feels compelled to finish it all? "Ooo! The water's still coming! Must drink more and more and more! Glug glug glug!"

So dog experts, is this article a pile of hooey?

We Live Among Morons That Are Going To Be The Death Of Us

I love our apartment building. The rent is pretty good. We've got a nice balcony. There's a full laundry room with brand new machines and dryers that actually work. There's a party room we can book if we need lots of space. We've got a swimming pool. And for the most part, we've got good neighbours. They're either friendly or they stay out of your way, which is perfect. But among those neighbours are some folks that I, in a fit of rage, once dubbed the chode harmonicas among other things.

Lately these harmonicas seem determined to upgrade from simple mouth organs into a full on symphony orchestra of dangerous retardity.

About a month or so ago, Carin and I noticed a strange smell in the hall. It kind of smelled like something might be on fire. Oh no, we thought, we've been down this road before. It sucked, and we'd rather not go down it again, please and thanks. We called the building managers, and after quite a bit of investigating, they determined the cause. Turns out that some cunt kazoo decided to channel his inner camp fire enthusiast and roast a few marshmallows in the stairwell. Yeah, we were all sick of winter, but that's taking it a touch too far, methinks.

And then there's today. Carin is out with a friend. I'm enjoying a beer and the Jays in the sun. I step in to use the bathroom. And then I hear it. the ring of the fire alarm. I finish up and grab the few things I'll want to take outside with me. Wallet, cellphone, keys, cane. Then my phone rings. Our neighbour is outside. She tells me that there's no fire, so I decide to stay up here. I've got this weird thing with my bad foot where when the weather gets hot it hurts like a son of a bitch, so I didn't much feel like taking it down 6 floors worth of stairs for no reason. There's the elevator, but who knows if it's working with the alarm going off.

Time passes. I continue to enjoy the day as the bell rings in the background and the Jays continue to lose. Then my phone rings again. Same neighbour.

"We're all back inside now," she says. "Found out why the alarm went off. One of the firefighters told me that somebody lit a firecracker in either the hall or the stairwell on your floor."

A firecracker? Seriously? Who does that? Ok, who other than a complete spank cookie?

One of these days they're going to kill us all if left unchecked, I just know it. And just because that's how it always works, they'll be the only ones left standing when it's all said and done.

ROH Just Got Bigger

So Ring of Honor, pretty much my favourite wrestling group right now, has been sold to the Sinclair Broadcast Group.

this is an interesting situation. It sounds, for now at least, like they're going about things the right way by leaving the current group in charge and adding experienced people who have a clue what they're doing to the office staff. If Sinclair stays patient with this, this could be a huge deal for wrestling and exactly what the business needs to freshen things up.

If I'm TNA, I'm a little worried right now. With this deal, ROH expands into a whole lot of homes with a whole lot of potential viewers. The only thing ROH was missing to overtake TNA was more resources, and they certainly have that now. TNA has had national TV for 6 years and millions of dollars behind them for a lot longer than that and has done next to nothing with it. Given a good chance, I can't imagine ROH making the same mistake. Then again I can't imagine most people making the same sorts of mistakes TNA has, because to be kind, the people responsible for what makes it to air in that company are completely incompetent. Yes, that's being kind.

If I'm WWE, I just got a whole lot more interested in Ring of Honor. I'm signing anybody and everybody I can to try to make sure their roster is good and gutted before things even get off the ground. ROH would likely never pass WWE, but it's always been WWE strategy to kill off any competition and absorb it when possible. The only question is how many Ring of Honor guys and girls would be willing to sign? Would they go for the money or stay loyal to ROH as it grows? I imagine a bit of both because those WWE cheques would be hard to turn down, but with ROH expanding, those cheques are probably going to get quite a bit better too.

And on the other side of the same question, how many unhappy WWE/TNA wrestlers would give ROH a shot when their contracts come up or aren't renewed? It's certain there'll be at least a few, and depending on who they are, ROH could really get a lot out of it. Somebody like John Cena isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but if a fairly popular name decides to jump, some curious fans are going to follow.

Of course there's always the chance that this whole thing could fall flat on its face. TV people aren't known for their patience or for staying a course, so there's always the possibility that Sinclair could cut them loose at any moment. If that happens, I can only hope that it doesn't spell the end of the company. Wrestling needs places like Ring of Honor. Without places where wrestling actually matters (sorry TNA or are you Impact Wrestling now?), it's going to be hard to sustain the talent pool in the coming years.

I'm interested in where this goes, and I'm most definitely rooting for ROH to succeed. More choice is always better when it comes to wrestling. It's better for the fans and it's better for the wrestlers. I think we're about due for another wrestling boom, and I really hope this is the start of it.