Happy Birthday Carin And A Bunch Of Other Crap

So how's everybody? Are you enjoying this weather? If your answer is yes and you live anywhere near me, you're an idiot, plain and simple. I don't like winter at the best of times, but things are really getting out of hand this year. One thing I've noticed though is that there's a definite lack of global warming coverage in the media these days, likely because anybody who dares speak those words knows that he will promptly be beaten unconscious, wrapped in Styrofoam and jammed head first into one of our fine area snow banks.

Before I go any further, I want to wish Carin a happy birthday....actually I want to let anybody from
Q107
who might be reading this know that they're playing 2 songs at once and it's getting on my fucking nerves...wow, you read my mind, good job. Jesus that was irritating.

Ok, where were we? Ahh yes, the elderly. Happy birthday Carin. Love you lots and I hope you enjoy your gift, your day and your year, even if you do have to spend those last 2 with me.

Not a whole lot has been up in my world since the last time I got the urge to sit down and crank out one of these random life posts, but that never stops anybody else even though in 99% of cases it should, so I'll try to come up with something.

This weekend I went to a pizza party to celebrate my Grandma's birthday. What's strange about this is that neither she or my Grandpa even like pizza. If you think about that for a second, you should perhaps get some insight into why I'm such a big irony fan, and maybe even into why I'm so odd.

And while we're on the subject of irony, does that Alanis Morissette song annoy you as much as it does me? The only thing ironic about it is that she's got the definition of irony wrong. Rain on your wedding day isn't ironic unless you're a weather man. A free ride when you've already paid isn't free. Actually it's next to impossible because when you get on there's nobody to take your money. And what the fuck do 10000 spoons have to do with anything? I could go on, but anybody with any sense has likely already thought this through a million times. One thing I would like to know though is why nobody has ever asked her about this? It seems like such an obvious question. Maybe they're just afraid of getting the obvious answer, that calling the song Jimminy Fuck Life Is Shitcrap And I Can't Even Afford A Dictionary would make it hard to get it played on the radio.

Speaking of radio, any and all new rock stations can feel free to stop playing Thrash Unreal by Against Me! any day now. If your goal is to make me hate a decent band then carry on, but otherwise, for the love of God knock that shit off!

What the hell was I even talking about here? Oh yeah, the family.

I had a good time wrestling with the ball magnets AKA the cousins. I haven't got a clue when it became tradition, but it is now an inevitability that at some point during any get-together I will be punched, kicked, slapped, elbowed, stomped, headbutted or otherwise struck in the testicles. Not sure what it says about me that I keep going back for more, but hey, at least they're having a good time. One of these days I should show them what it feels like, but I don't have the heart just yet.

I also got to go see
Tom Cochrane
and
John Mellencamp
at the
JLC.
Actually no I didn't...yes I did...no I didn't...yes I did...That won't make any sense to most of you, but a couple people are amused, just trust me here.

The show was great, and if it comes to your town, go! I don't think it trumps
Aerosmith
for best concert ever, but it's definitely up there.

Even though Tom Cochrane failed to convert me into a
Life Is A Highway
fan, I still have no complaints. He was great, particularly when he played Good Times, which has always been my favourite song of his. I love it when somebody can totally take control of an arena full of people, quiet them down and put them in a trance with something mellow when what they really came to do was rock out. That was Good Times save for the part where he was getting the crowd to sing the chorus in sections, something that I'm also a sucker for.

Mellencamp was friggin awesome, that's the best description I can come up with. I've had a strange sort of love hate relationship with his music over the years because of radio doing what it does best, but since Tuesday, I'm a huge fan. The guy's great, there's really no other way to put it. You'd never know he was pushing 60, that's for sure. Everything that was supposed to be loud and energetic definitely was, in particular the Authority Song, which as luck would have it is far and away the best John Mellencamp song there has ever been. There was also a really nice mini acoustic set where he played Small Town and some tracks that will be on his new record. What I said about taking control of thousands of people earlier, multiply that by 10. I have no words for how cool that was.

He was a great talker too. Interesting, smart, funny, political and most of all unafraid to say what he thought without worrying about the reaction it might get. The stuff about racism and Jena, Louisiana in particular was some of the best audience talking I've ever heard. I'm paraphrasing here, but it was still great. "I like people. I want to know about them. I especially want to know about people different from me. I don't care if a person is red or green or blue, I want to know about them, not me. I know enough motherfuckers like me. But some people just don't get that. I wrote a song about the stuff going on in Jena. They're hanging nooses in trees there. Jesus Christ! So I wrote this song and put it on my website and thought nothing more about it. Then the Mayor of Jena comes on and says 'John Mellencamp is writing songs about us, enough is enough!' Enough is enough? All I did was write a fucking song! That's not enough is enough. Enough is enough is when you treat people with such disrespect that you're letting folks run around hanging nooses in a fucking tree!" It was nice to hear a celebrity speak up for once and not have it seem like he was just doing the cool thing. Writing it down doesn't do it justice, but watching him say it you could tell he meant every word. By the way, if you haven't heard the song that caused all the fuss, there's a video of it
here.

And to end the concert review on a lighter note, I'm sure that getting people to call their friends during Jack & Diane so we could all sing to them is a gimmick that he uses all the time, but I've never seen anything like it before. I'm not sure how it would have sounded to the people on the other end, but being there live made for a great moment.

Before I go, I need to rant about TNA for a second. Come on, what would one of these things be without wrestling talk? Ok, which one of you said more interesting? You can just quiet down, read on and try to remember who's goddamn website this is. Mouthy prick.

So yeah...TNA. I'm about 3 weeks behind on watching it, partly because it's hockey season and the Leafs generally play on Thursdays [though that's long past the point of being a good reason] and partly because that show is just so damn hard to watch anymore. Seriously, anybody who watches Impact or TNA in general and actually enjoys the booking, please explain to me how. Stone Cold Shark Boy? does anybody in this company have a clu...forget it, I'm not even going to finish asking that question. But one I am going to ask is how is Impact breaking audience records? Surely I'm not that out of touch...am I? Is watching a fish drink clam juice while talking and wrestling like Steve Austin who doesn't even work for your company I might add really what sells tickets nowadays? Or having a black guy pretending to be the Macho Man? Or any number of other guys talking about how awesome they were when they worked for the competition? Is that the best idea these people have? I guess I should have expected this would happen with good old Vince Russo on the case. He did the same shit in WCW and we know how well it worked out then. So I hope TNA enjoys these ratings while they can, because they aren't going to last forever. The fact that they've managed to hit the 1.2 mark in the first place astounds me. Vince Russo has only ever had about 3 ideas, and none of them are any good. They were no good in 1999, and they're still no good now. Everybody is either pretending to be somebody else who meant far more to this business than he ever will, a stupid comedy character or fighting with their manager/tag partner from the first day they hook up. Anybody who knows that has either given up or like me is watching for the good moments because the wrestlers aren't to blame for the clusterfuck that is this company, and anybody who hasn't learned it yet will figure it out soon and will join us in the giving up hope camp. And where does that leave the company? Right where they are, having accomplished nothing while not making any money.

That's all for now, I'm getting hungry and this post is getting long. But until we talk again I'll leave you with a question. what is the difference between Heath Ledger and jokes about Heath Ledger? the jokes will eventually get old. I'm sure you know where to send the hatemail, and no matter what she might say, Carin is looking forward to reading every bit of it, hahaha.

Visible Stupidity

Just so no one else falls for this, next time you're voting somewhere, the pen you're using seems to have no ink, and the polling clerk tells you not to worry, it has invisible ink and the scanners will count it, don't believe them and ask for another pen. We're all good on that? Cool! Ok.

I don't understand the people who are now crying that they did so much research because this election meant so much to them. If it did, then why did they allow themselves to believe that hogwash and vote with a broken pen? If it meant so much to them, they would have said "listen, I don't believe you. I'm voting with a pen with visible ink, thank you very much, and I'm not moving until I get one. Either give me one that works or I'm going to another polling station."

Now they're tracking down 20 voters, or trying to, to tell them to come back and vote again. And you know what's sad? This didn't happen in Florida.

Horrible, Earworms Dot Org

Oh god. I got this a few days ago and didn't really give it much thought. Now it came again, so I guess it needs blogging.
There's a site called blinddollars.org that's asking for the U.S. government to make the currency so that each denomination is of a different size. It's not a ridiculous idea, they do it in Australia, Britain, and I'm not sure where else. Then you wouldn't have to put your money in abill reader, or put blobs of dots on it that fade. But what is hideous is the jingle! Oh god if someone could sound blind, he does. But ya know what's sad? It's been stuck in my head since I heard it the other day, complete with the over-enunciation of blind, dollars dot org.

Oompa, Loompa, Loompady Doo, I Am A Freakoid Coming For You

Huh? Why did she let him into her house at 3 in the morning if she never talked to him except online and he called with a strange request to sleep somewhere else? And...hoola hoops and hay? And...pink glitter? We're developing a set of cases for the What the Fuck Department. bongo drum teddy bear plant stand shrines, stuffed dog-screwing drunken men passing out in boats, women clad in shirts and underwear screaming about going to Egypt while strangling sleeping in-laws, and now depraved oompa loompas! What is this world coming to?

Hold The Phone!

Woe! Something is afoot in telemarketing land. Something is changing! Why? Because Two telemarketers called us, and both of them gave up without a fight! That never happens.

The first one called from MBNA. I told him that we weren't interested in their credit card, we already had one, and he just said, "You have a nice day, ma'am." There was no searching through the script, no arguing, nothing. He took no for what it was, and let me go.

But this was the best one. I got a call from some Lukemia foundation. They told me they called me once a year looking for money. But they made a big mistake. They started talking about a little kid named Hannah who was eleven months old and needed help. I promptly told him that I remembered him calling three times this year, and each time, Hannah was still 11 months old, and what was up with that? And as suddenly as he had appeared, he was gone! There was no goodbye, no sorry to bother you. He just slammed the release buttone and headed for the hills! What? Am I that scary?

I wonder what's up with that. This is definitely an interesting new trend. I wonder how long it will go on before they go the other way and get super pushy and I'll have to hang up on them. God, telemarketers suck. At least right now, they're easy to deal with.

The Monkeysphere

I've been meaning to link to this for a while because I think it's an interesting concept. Since I can't seem to come up with anything else meaningful to say, I guess now's the time to get the link up here.

There's an interesting article that tries to explain why we humans have a tendency to be pricks to people we don't know. It's because they aren't in ourmonkeysphere.

What the hell's a monkeysphere? Well, it's the number of monkeys that monkey brains can perceive as members of their species worth caring about, and according to this theory, it tops out at about 150. Since our brains are pretty close cousins to theirs, the theory says we have about the same limitations. So, how do we perceive the rest of the humans around us? Well, we can't really consider them to be truly human. It's an interesting idea to twist your monkey brain around, and it's funny, so go read it. Hopefully I'll be able to twist my monkey brain into writing something funny to put up here tomorrow.

What Will They Think Of Next?

Blech! A canned cheeseburger? I know it's for outdoor adventures and stuff, but...blech! Has anyone ever tried one?

Sticking Points

I don't know how I feel about this one. I'm completely and utterly torn. Juliana Cumbo worked to become an accupuncturist. She's passed the board exams and has done tons of practical work. But the board of acupuncturists in Texas refuse to grant her a license. Why? She's blind, so they're scared that she won't be able to find the points or notice bleeding if it happens.

I'd be with them, except for that whole part about her having experience and passing the board exams. I've got news for them. Sighted folk screw up more than they'd like to admit. The truth is she's probably worked harder than lots of people to make sure she's got it right. If I actually wanted to have someone stick needles in me, I'd just want to make sure whoever I got was good. I'd probably have a few extra questions for her, even being blind myself, but if I could be convinced that she was good and I would be safe, then she can go ahead.

But here's the part where I get worried. If they don't grant her license, she's thinking about suing on the grounds of ADA, which she seems to have the right to do. But I'm worried that will push things in the other direction, and make everybody scared to refuse people where there is a case for refusal.

Ug. Why can't people keep an open mind so this lawsuit crap doesn't have to happen?

Junk Food

Would you buy sausages from a sausage cart set up at the dump? Why not just let the business dwindle...oh wait. people buy tattoos from door-to-door salesman with home-made instruments. I forgot.

I guess It Was His Time Then

What a strange story, complete with strange name. Sevan Kavorkian decided to hang himself. His girlfriend found him, cut him down and revived him. He started beating the everloving hell out of her, a man climbed through a window to save her, put Kavorkian in a sleeper hold, and this killed him. What a strange chain of events that's guaranteed to leave a lot of people screwed up for a long time.

Life Insurance or Death Insurance

Does this creep you out? It sure reinforces two things: If something seems too good to be true, it probably is, and don't sign anything in a hurry!

I'm Not A Scout, So I Don't Need Honour.

I've learned two things from this story. 1. If you find yourself in Florida with the urge to steal money from someone, make sure you just don't take it by force or directly from their hands. So if you can distract them, that envelope of girl scout cookie money is fair game.
2. There are two sociopaths in training in the town of Boynton Beach. Yep. The two 17-year-olds who robbed the nine-year-old Girl Scout openly said they're not sorry, and just pissed that they got caught. I wish they'd turned 18 so their names could get plastered everywhere.

At least the one kid's dad had enough sense to pay the money back. I hope he's ashamed of the monster that is his daughter. Not only did she steal from the poor little kid, she came back the next day and taunted her! I guess it worked out for the little girl, she got extra money from the supermarket where the assholes robbed her. But I don't know if money will fix the damage that I'm sure those kids caused. I mean, they robbed her right in front of her mother!

I hope to hell they don't get off easy just because they're minors. With attitudes like that, they don't deserve a chance. They deserve some serious punishment.

I Wish This Wasn't True

Oh my lord. When Steve put up that link to the video about the Kid Bankrupting the Make A Wish Foundation, did anyone actually think it was true? In case you did, it's a joke. J o k e! It's Satire! But a lot of people missed it, so much so that Snopes is talking about it. It even says in the emails they're receiving that the person has never heard of the Today Now! show, and they're not sure if it's real. Hmm. That would be your first clue that it's a spoof.

I don't know if this is a complement to the Onion's skilled production work, or a disturbing sign that our collective IQ is dropping like a rock. I guess we can choose how we want to look at it.

We Will BE Beginning Our Descent Into Madness Shortly...

Picture this. You get on a plane in Toronto, bound for London, England. Things are all good, until you see someone being pinned down by crew-members near the galley of the plane. It's the co-pilot!

For unknown reasons, he just went insane, screaming that he wanted to speak to god. Thankfully, the plane was diverted to Ireland, and everyone's ok...well...everyone but the co-pilot, who is in hospital. But it's ok, so he says. You can text him, you can email him. I just love this story for the headline.

Part of me feels guilty for laughing. Who knows what happened to the poor guy? But man, what an image that must have been, your co-pilot being dragged past business class, back into the cabin in ankle-shackles. That's a flight to remember.

Eeewww! Get Away! You Might Give Me Cooties!

If you're in court, and you find out you're going before Judge Jon-Jo Douglas, you can hang your head and crry because he's an ignorant prick. There is no better way to describe a judge who, once he found out a witness had HIV and Hepatitis C, freaked out, demanded he wear a mask, ordered that all his documents be handled by gloves and placed in plastic bags, and had the court proceedings take place in a bigger courtroom, placing more distance between the witness and the bench. According to the Judge Jon-Jo Douglas school of HIV-training, "The HIV virus will live in a dried state for year after year after year and only needs moisture to reactivate itself." This is 2008, Judge Douglas. Get a clue.

Sobering Consequences

When you've been drinking, decide to drive home, but then think it's a bad idea, do you...a. stop and call a cab?
b. let someone else drive?
c. Stay somewhere?
or...
d. call 911 and say you might need some help because you're too intoxicated to drive? If you chose D, welcome to the Pat Dykstra club. Strangely enough, she was more worried about the danger of talking on the phone while driving. Check out her 911 call. I love the reaction of the dispatcher. amazingly, this lady sounds pretty sober for blowing a .14.

Apparently, Dykstra is usually a responsible, smart lady. It's going to take her a while to live this one down.

That Guy Needs A Hug

If you're having a bad day, stop complaining and start counting your lucky stars that you're not
this guy.

And in case anybody is curious, this definitely falls well within the fuck fuckity fuck fuck ouch category.

Haw Haw Haw, You Really Got Me There

You'd think that of all the people who should know that pretending to break into somebody's house as a joke is a dumb idea, a police officer would be right at the top of the list, but
apparently not.
Perhaps the bullet the doctors had to dig out of his stomach will serve as a reminder from now on though.

And speaking of the future, something tells me there'll be a few awkward family get-togethers ahead as well.

More Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie

A long time ago, I posted a list of
things you'll never hear in a western movie.
Well, it turns out there are more of them, so...

"As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown in the middle of town. The liability issues are staggering."

"Well me, the construction worker, and my sailor buddy are here to tell y'all, it's *fun* to go to the YMCA!"

"Take it from me, Festus, a good pair o' nylons keeps the chaps from riding up."

"Barkeep! Three more Slippery Nipples for my posse."

"Miss Kitty, I don't think I've ever seen stirrups used quite like that before."

"In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like you, Bart -- civil litigation!"

"Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?"

"Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women... but considering what we've done to THEM, I think they're showing remarkable self-restraint."

"You had me at 'Howdy.'"

"Yeah, I'm sure he was an Indian -- his name was Amandip Gupta."

"That's *Sheriff* Richard Simmons to you, pardner."

"I cain't go in the saloon! Brown Bart's wearin' the same shirt I'm a-wearin'!"

"They call me... Moesha."

"Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain't gonna have no room for the tiramisu!"

"Three to five day waiting period? But I got a duel at sundown!"

"reach 4 the sky! :-O put all ur $$$ in the bag, lol."

I'm Tired, Here's My Wallet

Are you one of those people who just can't get up in the morning no matter what you do? Is the snooze button your best friend and worst enemy? Well friends, help, and possibly even financial ruin are at hand.

For the low low price of $39.99, you can get your very own
SnūzNLūz - Wifi Donation Alarm Clock,
one of the best and worst inventions I've ever seen.

The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as 'HATRED'. Basically it's human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it's human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That's why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate. The problem of sleeping in is solved.

And it's easy to setup and use too! Just plug your SnūzNLūz in and either connect it to your network via the RJ45 jack on the back, or via WiFi (WPA supported) if available. Then simply configure via the embedded web browser configuration utility. From here it's a snap. Simply select your online banking institution from the list of supported banks (currently over 1600 are supported). Supply your login information and then select your favorite HATED charity or non-profit from the included lists (over 6200 currently supported). Then plug in your donation amount per snooze incident ($10 or more), set the time, and alarm, and voila, instant time profit!

If any of you buy one of these things, let me know if it works for you...if you can still aford to send email that is.