A Few Quick Jokes For Your Friday Afternoon

It's been a little while, so here are a few random jokes that have been tossed my way recently. Sorry for the smaller batch. I haven't been the best about saving the good ones these days. As usual, some are stupid, some you'll laugh at, some might just get you a little upset. I'll leave it to you to decide which are which.

*Q: What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?
A: Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke.

*Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: His wife died.

*I was talking to my friend earlier when suddenly I wondered, who names their kid Earlier?

*Q: What did Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both had a 10-year-old crack addiction.

*Some priests told the children that it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible, according to Mathew 10, Luke 8 and John 12.

*Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love & get married.  The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

*I watched a film with a twist at the end last night. It completely ruined the projector.

*I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

*A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"

"Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"

"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."

"Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said. "You guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."

"Wait," he interrupts in a very indignant tone. "CHICKENS?!"

Long Time, No Trix Talk!

Ya know, you all need to convince Carin that I need to talk more. She doesn't let me talk nearly enough. I mean seriously, I only spoke for part of a post when this place won an award, and I'm sure I'm the reason we won the award anyway. What else could it be? I'm just so cute.

This has been a kind of weird year for me. It all started back when I stopped wanting to play tug. I used to love tug. Give me a toy that I can grab an end of and I'll go at it. Tugga tugga rar rar snort snort tugga tugga shakeshake tugga tugga roar! So, much, fun! But once I was playing tug and something didn't feel write to me, so I said yeep! Carin stopped, and ever since, it just hasn't been the same for me.

Then I wasn't the happiest going up and down those weird stairs at that big house that used to have the cat. Come on, you can see right through to the back, and if you're not careful, you can slide right on through them. But I got over that. But Carin was still worried about the whole no tug thing. So eventually she took me to the vet.

They had a good look at me, even put me on this thing that could take pictures of my insides. But they told Carin they couldn't find anything. But they must have told her some weird stuff, because for a little while there, she gave me these yucky pills. Then she wouldn't take me out with her to go anywhere except to pee, and even then, I had to wear a special collar. I could have told her that whatever made me yeep was gone, but she wouldn't have listened. Plus she'd do other weird things like more obedience sessions and playing weird games of find the fat man and taking me to see the huppy and family without a leash at all. Hmm. No leash? Really?

Then I started to think maybe she didn't like walking with me anymore. Maybe she liked that white stick thing, like the fat man uses. Was that it? I wasn't going to work anymore? I tried to ask the fat man, but of course he doesn't speak dog. He'd just tell me that she would be back. Every time she came back, I would sniff her. I was mad. I could tell she had been to places we used to go. To the drug store. In that nice lady's car that always drives us to that City Hall place. To that other place where she meets up with that other guy with the white stick. Just what was this? I wasn't sad anymore, I was mad! How dare she cheat me out of seeing all the people and places I love?

Then one day, as if nothing was wrong, she put my gear back on and we headed out. But she insisted on making me heel while she used the stick thing. Just what was this?

The first place we went was to the vet. The vet? That's my first trip out? You are mean, Carin, really you are. But the vet must have said happy things, because after we left there, she let me work normally! They must have talked some sense into her, telling her it wasn't right to take me away from all the people and things I love so much.

After that, I thought I'd be extra good. I would do everything I was taught, to the letter. I would show her that working with me was good. Really, I would show her how her white stick thing doesn't know how to avoid the ice. It doesn't know how to use the path. See all the things that thing can't do that I can? See? See? Well I guess it worked, because she hasn't left me at home ever since.

But after all that bad stuff happened, something reeeeally goood came out of it. I met my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I have a doggy friend, and she's perfect!

Don't get me wrong, I've had a few dog friends over the years. There's Rosamae, and Luther, although I've not seen Luther in a long while, and Lars, who I only saw once, but thought he was pretty hot. But this dog, Ruby, tops 'em all! For one thing, I get to see her all the time. Sometimes we've even gone over to her house so we can play! And Ruby never jumps on me and goes up and down, up and down. She just licks my face and talks to me. She chases me around the room, and squeaks her squeaky toy at me. I love her so much that if we see each other and we don't get to walk at least a bit together, I pitch a fit. Roooooo-beeeeee! Rooooo-beeeee! Come back here Roooo-beeeee! And she does the same. Ruby, just where have you been all my life? Don't ever go. You hear that, Roooo-beeee?

And because of Ruby and Ruby's person, I met a new vet! And I like everything about this place. The other vet, well, I liked the people, but if I could avoid going in there, I would. I would pretend I didn't know where the door was, and Carin would get mad. But if we don't go into this place, I get really upset. You don't take me close to this place and not go in. That's just not cool, and I'll make my thoughts known. The people at this place are really nice to me. One of them even gives me snuggles and belly scratches if the other one is looking at me! Hey, I'm always up for a snuggle and a belly scratch. And a treat. And a snuggle and a belly scratch. Another belly scratch? Yeah. And they look at me right in front of Carin. They don't take me away to some other place. That makes me feel soooo much better.

Hmmm what else is new? Oh yeah. The huppy's gotten so much bigger, and he finally walks. He started walking a bit after the last time Carin let me talk to you guys. Now he walks so much that we don't always bring the huppy car. And he can go faaaast! And he can talk. He can say my name, and Carin's name, but for a while, it sounded really weird. But he says it like Carin now. Can you believe he's had another one of those parties to mark another 7 doggy years? I sure can't.

But he likes to try and pull my tail and smack me. I think he's trying to go pat pat pat like Carin does, but it's more like slap slap slap. Carin and the huppy's mom are trying to teach him to be nice to me, but he's sneaky. Carin, you promised me you'd protect me. You'd better get at it. I don't say anything, but pulling on my tail is just no good. You usually catch him, but that huppy is sneaky and fast!

Usually Carin knows what I'm trying to say to her. I come over to her and bonk bonk her on the arm with my nose? It means follow me, I have something to show you. Probably the door because I have to pee. I jump around at food o'clock and food o'clock? It means feed me. I start running back and forth when things go boom outside? It means I don't like this at all, fix it. But the other day, she totally didn't get it!

It wasn't quite bedtime pee o'clock. I came over to her. I had to tell her. There was a bad storm coming. I licked her. I licked her ear. I bumped her with my nose.

"Do you have to pee?" she said.

No! No no no! You're not listening! I jumped! I snorted! I licked frantically.

"Oh! You must really have to pee," she said.

No no no! She still doesn't get it! She put the harness on. Hmmm. Maybe we're going to warn the huppy's family. Maybe? We get in the elevator. We get out. Oh no, we're going to go out. Out in this! I started to walk slowly. Now she was confused. Well, what took her so long? But she kept going outside. As soon as we got out there, I heard a great big boom! One of those booms in the sky that sometimes happens after a flash! That was what I was trying to tell her. I didn't have to pee at all! I wanted to tell her about the boom!

So what did I do wrong? I mean, when she asked if I had to pee, I was trying to tell her no with my jumping and snorting. Hmmm. I do jump around when I do have to pee. Hmmm. I guess she didn't know the difference between a yes jump and a no jump. I guess she needs more training in dog speak.

So we took a big walk down to that place where she says sometimes Christmas presents get picked up. We got a little box. But what was in that box? A present for me! Ooo!

I loooove this little present. It's fuzzy. It's squeaky. It's easy to push around. It makes me go grrr at it. But it confuses me. I should be able to rippa rippa rip in there and get the squeaker out. But it won't let me in! Come on, you look so, so, so easy to break! But you won't break! Oh well, one day, I will win. Just give me time.

Hmmm I think that's about it. You'd think I'd have more to say since it's been so long. But I think that's all the big news. Hopefully talk to you sooner than later!

To Him, It Was An Inflatable Pleasure Craft

Remember Edwin Charles Tobergta? Remember him now? Well, he's up to his old, er, tricks, or something, again, only this time, it was with a loverly pink inflatable swimming pool raft.

And I guess he's been having problems like this for a long time, even his grandma talks about it, sorta.

Poor Edwin, will always be known as the inflatable plastic thing-humper.

More Elections Ontario Accessibility Scoop

Alrighty, here's the updated updated Elections Ontario accessibility scoop. Isn't this so much fun?

I have found our returning office, and it's in a pretty sweet location all things considered. The address is 292 Speedvale Avenue West, and it's in Unit 1 in that plaza at the very least. I have heard reports that they have units 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9, and we saw signs on at least 3 doors saying Elections Ontario, but the woman who answered the phone there said that they at least had Unit 1. If you're still looking at me with confused eyes, have some more info. It's in a little plaza with Ample Annie's roadhouse near the intersection of Speedvale Avenue West and Silvercreek Parkway North. It is also on the 22 Conestoga bus route. Still confused? Give them a call at 1-866-271-6877 and ask 'em more questions. Note: that number is only for the Guelph office.

It'll be a little bit of a jaunt for me, but I don't care. I'm going there to vote because I will be able to vote independently. Plus I want to at least know that the machine got used once.

And big props to the lady at the returning office. When I called her and asked what the starting date was for the assistive tech being available, she didn't know what I meant and said they hadn't received such tech. But she went and looked it up and confirmed that yes, it would be available after September 21.

Now, I'm going to do a little test before I write this next part.

Great Caesar's Ghost! It works! I guess I don't have to talk about that whole info being in an image thing. It's so not in an image anymore. But I do have to chuckle that they didn't mention anything about returning offices or officers until the writ was dropped...even though the returning offices had phone numbers, locations and signs. I guess you have to be uber technical about things. And even if that's the case, why not put a message up saying that specific info would not be available until after September 7. Don't keep me guessing! But the info is up now, so that's all that matters.

I'm sure the elections folk thought I was a little too much of a keener, calling yesterday looking for info, but I have to plan for stuff. If the office is difficult to get to, I have to learn how to get there. I'm determined to use that machine goddamn it and I want to make sure all the ducks are in a row to use it.

And one more thing. If you want to use the machine, I have heard mixed things about whether or not an appointment is necessary. So, find out where your returning office and/or satelite returning office is and find out whether you need to book an appointment. Mine said don't worry about it.

The machines will be available starting September 21 until October 5. For anyone who might benefit from them, pleeease use them! I probably seem overly dramatic about this, but if we don't use them, they won't think the demand is there. And please spread the word to others who might also benefit from them.

So that's the latest and greatest of what I know. Probably the next thing I write on this topic will be all about using the machine and how it goes. Happy voting when the time comes.

Rogers: Canada's Most Reliable Customer Ridicule Target

The news that Rogers is looking to start its own bank has gotten the world talking. Ok, so people aren't so much talking as they are not knowing about it, ignoring it entirely or pointing and laughing, but bringing that up would kind of ruin my bit, so for our purposes the world is a buzz.

Word is that the new financial institution would be called Rogers Bank (How many millions worth of customer money went to the consultants who thought that one up?), and would mainly focus on credit cards and cellphone payment schemes rather than being a traditional bank. Not a traditional bank? Speaking of things that would ruin my bit...geesh, cut a hack writer a break, would ya?

but hey, let's not let the facts get in the way of a good story. If Rogers says it's a bank now, then goddammit it's a bank now. And if rogers is a bank now, what would it be like? I was thinking about this and dumping what I came up with on Twitter, but decided to share with the rest of you because I was having so much fun. And hey, maybe somebody's got some ideas I didn't think of.

I started out with the obvious.

So I hear Rogers is thinking about starting its own bank. Makes sense since the sonsofbitches already have most of our money.

Which was followed by the almost as obvious.

And for Rogers, the hard part of starting a bank is done. They already have fees and contracts nobody can fucking explain down to an art.

Which then caused our good pal James to join in the fun.

Yeah. You can only deposit $100/month on their lowest plan. They charge $10 for every dollar over.

Well done.

Those wise words got me pondering the customer experience, and the real fun was well underway.

If you call Rogers Bank because your ATM isn't working, they'll tell you to go to an ATM for more information about the outage.

Rogers Bank hit a wrong button and screwed up my account. I called and they told me it wasn't an issue on their end and to fix it myself.

By default, Rogers Bank will only let you see your basic money. If you want to buy anything, you have to sign up for banking on demand.

And then James chimed in again.

But you can only call Rogers Bank by dialing 611 on your Rogers cell phone. If you don't have a Rogers cell phone, you'll be provided with instructions on where to go and how to get one.

Given the whole smartphone payment idea, man's probably right.

And so far anyway, this is the last one I could come up with.

Rogers bank will consist of regional Banknet branches. There'll be a national one called Banknet 1, but almost nobody will have access to it.

All this dumping on Rogers almost makes me feel better about paying the next bill. Who am I kidding, no it doesn't. But for now, it's the best I've got. If it's the best you've got too and you think I've missed something, let me know.

Oh wait, I thought of one more.

Rogers Bank is open every morning at 8, but no employees show up until at least 11:30.

This Laptop Is Great! The Monitor Is Just Like Reading From A Book!

While no one was looking, somebody must have slipped instant idiot crystals into Spartanburg, South Carolina's water supply.

In the same week as Ashley McDowell scored herself that sweet wooden iPad comes word that a couple of women made out even better. $250 for a laptop? Good deal...aside from the part where you discover it's made out of paper.

Police said two women were approached by a man Wednesday night at a Spinx gas station who said he had laptop computers, iPads and iPods in FedEx boxes. He claimed he had gotten them at a discounted price.

According to investigators, the man offered to sell the women a laptop. They said after getting cash from an ATM, the women left with what they thought was a laptop but later discovered the box contained a white power cord and a stack of paper wrapped in black duct tape.

Investigators said the man who sold it is described as having gold teeth and was with another man in a white four-door car.

If you recall, one of the men in the iPad case was also said to have a gold tooth. This, unsurprisingly, is leading local police to speculate that the two incidents might just be related, though they can't say for sure. It'd be one hell of a coincidence if they somehow weren't, no?

We'll be sure to update you all when an arrest is made, or more likely when another of Spartanburg's best and brightest buys a surround sound system made out of bricks.

Pre-Election Antics Deja Vu

Honestly, are the Ontario liberals trying to emulate the behaviour of the federal Conservatives? I know they won, but still...

Last week, an announcement went out saying that Anybody from the Conservative or NDP parties were banned from attending campaigning events by the Liberals. Um, what? Apparently this has not happened in years, and relations between the parties have been quite civil. I know the Liberals are scared, and frankly so am I, but I think this does more to work against them than for them.

I'm not looking forward to the end of October 6, that's for sure.

I Tought I Taw A Gun Battle. I Didn't, I Didn't Taw A Gun Battle!

I saw this two days ago, but because I am either made of suck and fail, or I've been too busy, it goes up today.

A couple of Mexican folks could go to jail over a couple of tweets. But these weren't your ordinary tweets. Gilberto Martinez tweeted that kids were getting kidnapped and shot at schools, but no such kidnappings and shootings were going on. Because the news media hasn't been the most reliable in Mexico when it comes to drug-related and other gun violence, people have come to rely on eye witness accounts which come from Twitter a lot. So, people took his words to be the honest truth, and chaos ensued. People abandoned their cars in the middle of roads so they could run to the schools. There were 26 car accidents. Emergency numbers could not handle the influx of calls.

What I don't get is why Maria de Jesus Bravo Pagola was also charged. All she did was retweet it, thinking she was passing on legit information. If she retweeted it knowing it was false, that would be a different thing. Part of me is conflicted because I hate it when people blindly forward stuff without checking it out, but in a place where news can't be used to confirm reports, it gets a little hard to lay blame for a retweet.

I wonder what the end result will be.

Ribfest: The Next Victim Of The World No Fun Brigade?

I wasn't sure this needed a post, but since new Firefox sucks and the Guelph Mercury website insists on CAPTCHAs upon CAPTCHAs to accomplish anything, here goes.

Dear Rob O’Flanagan:

I don't know you, but you seem like an interesting guy. From what I can tell you're a good reporter, and I've enjoyed reading many of your opinion pieces since you've been writing for the Mercury.

But Rob...this Ribfest thing you wrote,...I'm having trouble finding a respectful way to write piss the hell off.

Is eating ribs and drinking beer the healthiest thing in the world? No, probably not. But you have a choice not to do it, much like you state that everyone who wants to can. Why can't that be good enough for you? Why can't we leave well enough alone? Not everything has to be some kind of societal problem in need of a fix. If you try hard enough, you can make anything unhealthy and dangerous. Like those buses that are supposed to be so good for the environment? Yeah, those. I think we need to ban them. It's really hard on my stress level knowing that a 7 minute car trip just took me half a friggin hour. And have you ever gotten hit by one of those things? Not a healthy option, I imagine.

And the smoking argument...I really tried. Honest I did. I want to see where you're coming from, but I just can't do it. We can talk again when somebody gets cancer and dies from second hand barbecue sauce, but until then the 2 have nothing to do with each other.

By the way Rob, when I go to Ribfest, I walk there. I walk to the park, I walk around the park, I walk home from the park. What could be healthier than walking? Well, unless you trip and fall like I do sometimes because I've got a buggered ankle. Hmmm...buggered ankle...tripping and falling...not healthy. Think we can add another activity to the ban list.

My point here, disjointed due to sleepiness as it may be coming off, is that not everything has to be good for you. what you want out of life doesn't have to be what I want. My brand of fun and relaxation may not be for you. I have no problem with that. I can respect that. But ideas like this are exactly what the world doesn't need. We're adults, we can make our own choices. The last thing anybody should want to see is something fun and not all that dangerous for anybody who's not a complete moron taken away from us. I don't care about eating and drinking trends. Why should what other fools do be allowed to ruin things for the rest of us?

It goes well beyond Ribfest, Rob. The world is getting way too regulated. We have or are on the way to having a rule/regulation/law/bylaw/ordinance for everything. What ever happened to a person being able to make a decision for himself? If this trend keeps up, it's only going to get worse. Eventually nobody will be able to decide a goddamn thing, and then where will we be? We'll be in a world that sucks, that's where. And we won't even be able to drink a damn beer.

An Out Of Sight Night

Anton, yes, that one for those who remember his little misadventure with the Shoe Thief, is part of more theatre productions. Here's the info if you're interested.

Out of Sight Productions

An Inclusive Theatre Company

Phone: 519-675-0379

Email: info@oosproductions.com

Web: www.oosproductions.com  

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 

Join Out of Sight Productions in September at The Arts Project for "Three Plays - An Out of Sight Night" 

London, Ontario, July 28, 2011 - Out of Sight Productions is excited to announce the upcoming production of three original one-act plays, to be performed at The Arts Project, 203 Dundas Street, London.  

This locally written and produced trilogy will present a compelling, candid and humorous glimpse inside the lives of three very different families facing unique yet surprisingly similar challenges. In Kelly MacDonald's "The Final Road Trip" we witness a couple attempting to accept the coming of age of their daughters and the resultant blossoming of a new mutual relationship. Paul Kinsella's "Now See Hear" exposes the beauty in understanding and acceptance of personal differences. The third play, "Heroery" by Steve Stockwell, set in days of yore, depicts a version of life in an imaginary kingdom that is facing unimaginable adversity. 

Out of Sight Productions will be performing "Three Plays - An Out of Sight Night" at The Arts Project on:

Wednesday, September 28 to Saturday, October 1 at 7:30 pm

with a Matinee Performance on October 1 at 3:00 pm 

Tickets: $15   (2 for the price of 1 on Friday September 30)

For advance ticket sales, please call The Arts Project at: 519-642-2767 

For further information, please contact Kelly MacDonald, Company Director, Out of Sight Productions:

Phone: 519-675-0379

Email: info@oosproductions.com

Long Weekend Audio: Making Laytons

We said we weren't done with audio. Here comes some more.

A little while ago, I mentioned that Jack Layton had died. So, later, I learned that someone had created a drink in his honour. So, Steve made one of these, and we talked about it. Believe it or not we talked about it for 27 minutes. It, and other stuff, but hey, that comes with the territory, doesn't it? Hope you enjoy. It looks like Steve's diggin' the Layton.

Take Care, Not Car! Children On Board

We interrupt the audio to make fun of somebody. Believe me, there will be more audio. We're not even half done our ideas.

This started off as a regular carjacking. Somebody left their car running, somebody saw opportunity and jumped in. Except...the car was full of vocal passengers.

The unnamed carjacker jumped in the driver's seat, and immediately found a yappy poodle on the front seat beside him. Not only that, but there were two small, and very honest, little boys in the back. First they asked him if he knew he was in the wrong car, then when he reached for their change, pleaded with him not to take their money. The flustered thief just drove the car home to its rightful address, bringing relief to the Russo family when their kids and dog came home unharmed.

Ha ha ha, not every idling vehicle is an easy opportunity, now is it?

Long Weekend Audio: Hardcore Cornography!

Well, the avalanch just keeps on a rollin'.

We decided to have some corn on the cob for dinner. So while we were husking, we started talking. We apologize, this one got a little heavy there. We intended to just talk about the weird way people in Guelph pronounce the word "food," and talk a bit about how hard it would be to husk corn when you only have the use of one hand, as Steve's dad does. But well, things went down in a slightly unpredictable fashion. Sorry for the partial downer.

This one's about 23 minutes in length. Here it is, for what it's worth.

Long Weekend Audio: It's Nowhere Near Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Happy Saturday!

Here's your first audio of the day. If you listen to these things mainly for Carin, you may hate this one. I'm all by myself this time. Don't worry, I only talk for about 8 minutes, so you won't have to put up with me long.

What we have here is just me killing a few minutes waiting for the Jays to start. I'm sitting outside drinking a beer and talking to you. We're talking about people wishing summer to an end, how Christmas is getting out of hand and another tword. There's also a word or 2 about Carin being kind of silly and dangerous. Enjoy.

If anybody needs me, I'll be outside with the game and my beer. I'll have Twitter with me out there, so feel free to say hi.

Long Weekend Audio: She Likes It!

A while back, I bid on an item In an auction L_Squared was running to try and raise money to sponsor a puppy. After looking through the cool items, I settled on something called a "Snuggle Juggle" toy by Nylabone. It was a stuffed toy with a squeaker designed to be durable! Aa, this I gotta see!

Well, it arrived in the mail, and I went to get it yesterday. Today, we opened the box and introduced Trixie to the toy. Judging from the resulting audio, Trixie was very impressed with my choice.

And even after she put it through that, all it is is a little slimy! Cool!

I think this toy will be appreciated for a while.

Long Weekend Audio: First Beer Of The Weekend And Some Random Love And Hate

After a false start this morning thanks to a lovely piece of technology that decided not to work for no good reason, we can now let the audio begin!

Since the original kick off was not to be, I decided that there would be no better kick off substitute than documenting the weekend's first beer. So along with an appearance from Carin, that's exactly what I did.

Along with beer, we also cursed out her evil Stream and a local judge. There were a few other things in there too, but hell if I'm writing them all down. You're going to listen to it, you'll find them.

We only yammer for about 8 and a half minutes, which is probably some kind of record. I imagine as the drinking picks up that record is less and less likely to be broken, so enjoy the short one. You can download it here.

Talk to you all again soon.

Wood You Like To Buy An iPad?

Another day, another utter, utter fool.

According to a Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office report, Ashley McDowell, 22, told deputies that she was approached by two black males who claimed to have purchased iPads in bulk and were selling them for $300 apiece. After McDowell explained that she only had $180, the duo agreed to sell her the device at a cut rate.

But when McDowell drove home and opened the FedEx box containing the iPad, she instead discovered the wood with the Apple logo. The “screen”--which was framed with black tape--included replicas of iPad icons for Safari, mail, photos, and an iPod. It also had what cops described as a “Best Buy sales ticket.”

Maybe I'm the only one, but if I'm in a parking lot buying iPads out of somebody's trunk at a cut rate price and that somebody seems awfully desperate to get rid of the things, first of all I'm wondering where my good sense went, but I'm also asking questions and getting the salesman to open the box and let me look at my new toy. You know, in case it's made of fucking wood and covered in stickers and tape.

and even if it did turn out to be real, odds are it's not legitimate anyway. Before too long, the police are going to be sniffing around your neighbourhood asking questions about all the stolen computers.

I'd like to propose a new rule. Unless you're elderly or mentally impaired beyond inherriting stupidity via genetics, you're not allowed to call for help if something like this happens to you. The hard lesson might do you some good, plus it would avoid wasting police resources when there are people who actually need them.

Ug!

Prepare For An Audiolanche!

For quite a while now, people have been asking us when we're going to be doing more audio. Well, barring any August style stupidity, this is your lucky...weekend.

Wait, did he say weekend?

Yes, yes he did.

Carin and I talked about it and agreed that we want to try something a little different. Instead of blocking off a pile of time and recording a single monstrous something or other cast that's just a hair short of 3 billion hours long, we're going to throw things at you throughout the holiday weekend. Some of these things may be 30 seconds long, some of them could go for 30 minutes for all we know. We have no idea how this will turn out, but we're going to experiment with it.

So keep your eye on the site if you're around this weekend, or grab everything in one shot when you get back from hanging out with people likely much cooler than us. If all goes well, we should have something up for you this afternoon if not sooner.

As always, feel free to let us know what you think. Mentions on Twitter, emails, comments...we'll be keeping a possibly less than sober eye on them all, so feel free to talk to us. And this might be a bad idea, but if any of you have suggestions for what you'd like to hear, let us know. No promises that we'll actually do it, but it's worth a try because hey, you never know.

We'll talk to you all soon. Oh, and happy Labour Day weekend, everybody.

Today In Retardity: Pastor Mike Stahl And The National Atheist Registry

I think I'm gonna let old Pastor Mike here speak for himself. He doesn't need me pointing out how moronic he is, he's done a fine job of that on his own.

All you need to know is that this is his explanation for why we should start national atheist registries, you know, like the kind that exist for sex offenders. Oh, and maybe that he's the pastor of "Living Water Church," a church that only exists online and not in the real world. Not in the real world...kind of like Pastor Mike, methinks.

Now, many (especially the atheists), may ask "Why do this, what's the purpose?" Duhhh, Mr. Atheist for the same purpose many States put the names and photos of convicted sex offenders and other ex-felons on the I-Net - to INFORM the public! I mean, in the City of Miramar, Florida, where I live, the population is approx. 109,000. My family and I would sure like to know how many of those 109,000 are ADMITTED atheists! Perhaps we may actually know some. In which case we could begin to witness to them and warn them of the dangers of atheism. Or perhaps they are radical atheists, whose hearts are as hard as Pharaoh's, in that case, if they are business owners, we would encourage all our Christian friends, as well as the various churches and their congregations NOT to patronize them as we would only be "feeding" Satan.

Frankly, I don't see why anyone would oppose this idea - including the atheists themselves (unless of course, they're actually ashamed of their atheist religion, and would prefer to stay in the 'closet.').

It's been about a year since he wrote that, but the rest of the internet or should I say I-Net is just catching wind of it now. The wind, I should point out, feels like a warm breeze. Like a bunch of hot air, you might say.

And while I'm pointing things out, it should be noted that Stahl says even after a year to think about it and a few days of sudden attention, he still supports the idea. In fact, he says that if somebody wanted to start a Christian registry, they could feel free to put his name at the top of the list.

Don't worry Mike. It may not be a christian one, but the world definitley has the type of registry that would be all over a guy like you.

Can She Sue Them For Worthless Childing?

Without having kids I can't necessarily say so with absolute 100% certainty, but I imagine things like this are why some people still feel completely fine slapping their children. Hell, after reading this, I'd like to slap this woman's children for her. Several times. In the face. With a shovel.

Steven Miner II, 23, and his 20-year-old sister Kathryn sued their mother, Kimberly Garrity, for more than $50000. Their claim? That the pair, who lived in a $1.5 million house, suffered "emotional distress" due to what they call "bad mothering."

So just what was so bad about mom? Well...

While growing up in a luxurious home in Barrington Hills, Ill., their alleged hardships at the hands of their mother included Steven receiving a birthday card that didn’t include cash or a check and did not have a sentiment that he liked, accusations that Garrity did not send him care packages or birthday cards while he was in college, Garrity telling her then-7-year-old son to buckle his seat belt or she would call the police, and Kathryn getting a phone call from her mother at midnight to tell her to return home from her homecoming celebration.

My god, the horror! The...horror!

Other accusations included Kathryn being upset that her mother would not take her to a car show, and Garrity failing to buy toys for one of her children. One of the exhibits filed in the case was a birthday card sent from Garrity to her son that had a group of indistinguishable cartoon tomatoes on the front with one different tomato in the middle that had googly eyes attached. The inside read, “Son I got you this Birthday card because it’s just like you ...
different from all the rest!" Garrity wrote “Have a great day! Love & Hugs, Mom xoxoxo.’’

How dare this horrible woman subject her kids to...the kind of birthday card I think I've perhaps got a few of kicking around here thanks to nice people who care about me? What a thoughtless cow.

And it gets better.

One of the three lawyers representing the children was their father, Steven A. Miner. He was married to Garrity for 10 years before the two divorced in 1995, according to a report in the Chicago Tribune. In court papers, Miner wrote that he tried to talk his children out of filing the lawsuit.

I'm calling horseshit and douchebaggery on that statement. He tried to talk them out of it, but wasn't so serious about his convictions that he wouldn't agree to represent them, for free, no less? Yeah, that adds up.

Thankfully an Illinois appeals court judge tossed the case, but not before Garrity ran up lord knows how much in legal fees defending herself against charges that never should have made it to paper, let alone a courtroom.

I don't know what kind of woman she is, but I'm sort of hoping she's the type who won't mind turning around and suing to recover her costs, even though these are her kids and she probably loves them for some reason. It would also be nice if she's the type who would start a campaign to have her idiot ex-husband disbarred, because he deserves it.

It would be great to see her take the high road by not stooping to the level her family has, but how awesome would it be to watch her melt these precious little snowflakes with a torch?