You're Welcome

I saw this a while ago, but it was in the era where my brain couldn't think. Ah well, better late than never.

We've heard that not reopening the elevator fast enough can earn you some bumps, bruises, and some thrown pasta. Now, we have another dispute over manners, only the one expecting good manners was the victim.

Jay Rogers held the door for someone, but did not receive a thank you. So, he pursued the man, asking for a thank you. The man ignored him. So, he chased him outside, at which point the non-thanking fellow put his stuff in his car, whipped out a gun and shot the manners nazi in the stomach.

There's apparently a video on this thing, although I can't find it. If anyone does, tell me. Does the victim sound like Ned Flanders? That's the voice I've saddled him with in my head.

Leaf Blower Turned Car Blower Upper

Hey Joseph Williamson. Did you know why they say not to operate electrical things near gasoline? Because sparks can ignite the gas. So do you think it's a good idea to use an electric leaf blower to siphon gas out of a tank? I guess you realize it's not now.

Williamson is alive, but his arms are kinda crispy, and I think the car is destroyed. And do you know why he was siphoning the gas? He noticed his girlfriend's car had the lid off the gas tank, so worried someone had put sugar in the gas. Well, either way, the car is kinda gone.

Maybe A Few Inmates Will Think He's Dead Too.

Melvin L. Jackson is pretty stupid if he thought his reasoning was good. Either way, he's creepy.

A woman was walking when she suddenly felt lightheaded and went to sit down. She passed out, and Jackson raped her right there on the sidewalk. Someone saw it and started screaming for help. When he was arrested, he said he thought she was dead.

So...that's supposed to make it all better? Maybe he went to the Mark Dixie school of defence strategies.

Exercise With Your Dog

Saw this on a couple of lists, laughed, so I thought it could have a place here.

Exercising With Your Dog

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

Now The Owners Of The Spa Will Sweat Profusely

Ok. Is it ever a good idea to wrap yourself in mud, plastic, blankets and cardboard boxes in an attempt to detoxify yourself of...who knows what? Also, while you are intensely sweating, something this is designed to cause, is it a good idea to not drink water? two people found out it wasn't such a great idea, and one of them is no longer with us. I'm surprised more didn't need trips to the hospital.

If they had done this the week before in that crazy heat, I would have called them super dumb and not just dumb. The things people will do for some weird health benefit.

And what pushed this over the top for me was the spa where they did this was a place in Quebec called "Reine de Paix." Translation? Queen of Peace. Well, one visitor of the spa found eternal peace, that's for sure.

A Flash Of Cash On Carden Street, Version 2.0

I plugged the first one on Twitter but for some reason or other never got around to posting about it here, so I'm not going to let that happen again.

Rob Campbell had a great idea a while back. Since things have been so hard for the businesses on Carden Street these last few years, we should pick a day and time, head down to Carden with at least $10 and buy something. Lunch, musical instruments, whatever you want/need. There's all kinds of stuff down there, so you're sure to find something.

The first one went ok, with something like 35 or 40 people meeting up from what I was told. Carin and I couldn't go at the appointed time, but we made up for it later on. The point is just that you go down there and show your support and let the businesses know that you're thinking of them.

Here are the details on the one coming up this week.

August 4th, 12 noon.

Same minimum purchase of $10 as the last time.

Come, buy, stroll, enjoy the afternoon.
Lets show these business owners that we feel their frustration and that we support them as neighbours, fellow Guelphites, and fellow businesspeople.

Maybe more than one councilor will show this time. (Cam Guthrie participated in the last one, good on ya Cam!)

If You Lost Your Keys In #Guelph, I Might Know What Happened To Them

I have to do this first.

Ohmygod that was dumb ohmygod that was dumb ohmygod that was dumb.

Ok. Movin' right along.

I was walkin' along. Doo dee doo dee doo. I was walking with a friend, who is a very nice person. Suddenly, she spots something shiny. "Hey! Keys!" she exclaims. "Oh no! That can't be good at all! Someone lost their keys at a bus stop. Oh no!" I tell her to go pick them up and look them over real good. Do they have something identifiable on them? "No, nothing!" she says. "Oh no, what to do what to do?" We were on the steps of a house. We asked the owner of a house nearby who rents out parts of her house to other people if she recognized the keys. "No," she says.

My friend really wants to do the right thing. I'm thinking we should take them with us, ask our super and then the super of the building across the way, then call the police and Guelph Transit since this house is right next to a bus stop and find out what lost 'n' found we should drop them off in.

But before I can say any of this, she

...

...

hucks them into a mailbox of the house right there!

Excuuuuuse me? There are so many problems with this.

1. We don't know whose keys those are, so how do we know that that house is their rightful home?

2. We also don't know who lives in that house, and how honest they are. We can pray that they are, but we really don't know.

3. When that person finds those keys, they'll be wondering why in hell they got mailed a set of keys, which will prolong the process of getting them reunited with their rightful owner.

4. How do we know the owner of that house isn't on vacation somewhere?

and 5. Just how in the bloody hell is some random person who lost their keys going to know to contact that random owner to get their keys back? The house owner isn't going to be able to connect with the person because the keys don't have anything identifiable on them. So unless they happen to know them, all that poor person will be able to do is put them in a lost 'n' found, what should have been done in the first place...if this person is smart and honest, that is.

I gave her a right bit of hell for that act of stupid. I love her to death, but if those were my keys, I would not want to know what ditwad had thrown them into the nearest object they could be stashed. That is not being helpful. She tried to get them back, but of course you can't, because it's a mailbox! John Q. Public should not be able to get *in* to the mailbox from that side.

So, if you took a bus in Guelph before July 31, 2011 at about hmmm 12:30 p.m. or you happened to be at the bus stop on Kathleen near Speedvale for the no. 7 bus and lost your keys on a set of steps, please leave me a comment. I will drag my friend out to the stop and get her to read me the street address. Being blind, I can't very well go out and do it myself. Then we'll try and work to get in contact with the owner of the house so hopefully you can get your keys back.

I have felt guilty about this since we left the stop, so this is my way of trying to do something productive.

And allow me to apologize for my friend again. Whether she's a friend or not, that, was, dumb!

Hey Kids. How About Instead Of The Park Today We Go Out And Shoot Things? Sound Fun?

I was having so much fun with people on Twitter today, and then this came along.

Kelowna RCMP are shaking their heads after a mother let her five children shoot pellet guns from their moving vehicle.

The mother admits she was aware of what they were doing, but thought they were just shooting at road signs.

A man living on Geen Road in Kelowna says the kids pointed the gun at him and shot his vehicle as their vehicle passed. He called police at 2:30 p.m Tuesday.

Listen. It's long weekend time. I'm already on my second beer. I shouldn't have to sit here and break down everything wrong with what you just read. If you need it explained to you, you need a hysterectomy or male equivalent performed on you, preferably with a fork and no sleepy gas.

Happy Holiday for Reasons Unknown But We'll Take It Day, Canada. Don't do anything as stupid as this while I'm gone, ok?

The Stop Making Us Cry Department Is The Most Efficient One In Guelph

Update: Here's a video report from CTV News. Guess what, the city comes off just as ridiculous and out of line on film as it did in print. And I must say, the Rasos cranking up themusical protest again brings me great joy.

You know what I'd love? For people to stop using their legal departments to slap folks with libel notices because some obvious satire hit a little too close to home. Yes, city of Guelph, I'm looking at you.

GUELPH — The city has threatened legal action against a Carden Street merchant and the Guelph Mercury over a recent email comparing city staff to the Three Stooges.

Libel notices were received Wednesday at the Mercury office and by Marc Black, owner of the Hempire store.

The notices refer to an email Black sent Saturday morning, which included a photo of the famed comedy trio and a suggestion it depicted a specific city manager and “his expert team of planners” working on Carden Street construction projects.

The email was sent to members of city council, a couple of city staff members – including the named manager – and a handful of downtown business, including the Mercury.

Really, that's all this guy did. And considering what's been going on down on Carden street and for how long, they're lucky that's all he did. Businesses are getting killed downtown and it seems like almost nobody wants to help them. Are the project managers intentionally trying to turn this into a giant clusterfuck? My guess is no, but that doesn't mean those most impacted by what's happening and the lack of communication from city hall about it aren't allowed to feel that way and say as much. Hey, he was even creative and lighthearted about it. Nobody's life was threatened and nobody went to anyone's house to read a threatening letter as has happened in other situations. The only thing that was threatened is somebody's poor wittle feewings, and that's not why most of us in this town pay taxes to keep lawyers on staff.

I love Guelph as it is, but man, just think of how much better things could be here if the folks in charge were as quick to work on real solutions to real problems as they are to lay the smack down on some poor bastard with a legitimate gripe.

They Could And They Did. Thanks For All The Help

Victor Burgos sounds like he'd be perfect flashrob material.

A fugitive from upstate New York who taunted police on his Facebook page to `catch me if you can. I'm in Brooklyn' has been arrested.

The Daily News says U.S. marshals and NYPD detectives tracked Victor Burgos down to an apartment in Brooklyn's Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood Monday night, sitting at his computer with his Facebook page open.

Burgos, 29, issued his challenge to the cops at the best possible time, that being right after his mug shot was placed on the 10 most wanted list maintained by the Utica Police Department. He made things even easier when, according to another report, he posted a video of himself walking into an NYPD stationhouse on YouTube.

At some point he either began to wise up or somebody did it for him, because his messages to the police were deleted sometime before his Monday night arrest.

Burgos had been wanted on several domestic violence and harassment warrants.

Your Future Is In Good Hands...If You Happen To Be A Master Criminals Tag

Until right now,I had no idea that flashrobs were a thing or for that matter, what a flashrob was. And since you being the mostly sensible lot that you are probably don't know either, I'll let this explain it.

A recent incident that was initially described as a "flashrob" was a theft that occurred inside a Victoria's Secret store in Washington, D.C.

Basically, the groups organize themselves on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. They then go into the store, distract the employees somehow, and grab merchandise, The Daily Mail reports.

Other incidents have been reported in the Georgetown area of D.C., and in some cases the robbers even pose for the security cameras, according to The Daily Mail.

Some experts have said that "flashrobs," which are usually coordinated by younger perpetrators, probably give the thieves a "rush." Some of the videos have even been circulated on YouTube, The Daily Mail reports.

So yeah. A flashrob is pretty much a flashmob composed entirely of highly radioactive levels of moron. It's moron in such high concentrations as to amaze me, and if you've been around a while, you know that takes some work.

But on the up side, the sustainability of our little operation here has just been guaranteed for the foreseeable future, so thanks for that, I guess.

Even Master Criminals Get It Right Now And Then

Remember Joshua VanSlyke, Anthony VanSlyke and Gregory Williams? They're the 3 nitwits who turned down plea deals and opted for trial even though the video they made of themselves talking about busting into a house and then doing it was in evidence and all over the internet. Turns out that strategy wasn't as stupid as it sounded.

Instead of the 21 months worth of jail and 3 years probation they would have gotten had they taken the deals, each was just sentenced to 180 days.

Isn't the justice system grand?

He Should Have Said He Was Quality Control For The Condom Department

It's been about 17 years since I've been inside an American Walmart, but considering some of the people I remember seeing there, I figured shoplifting a couple boxes of condoms and then heading into the women's room for a little less than quiet private time with them and some naughty pictures on your phone like Brandon Jelks did was just something that happened on Tuesdays. Interestingly, one of the Walmarts I visited on that last trip was in Indiana, if memory serves. Wonder if it was this one.

An off-duty cop working security at the store was then summoned. When the cop confronted a startled Jelks, 20, as he exited the stall (“with his pants unzipped”), he claimed to have accidentally gone into the wrong bathroom. Jelks was handcuffed and brought to the loss prevention office where a search turned up two boxes of condoms that had been shoplifted from the store, according to an Indianapolis Police Department report.

Jelks explained that he had used two of the condoms while pleasuring himself in the women’s bathroom. While being detained, he also reportedly told a Walmart official that he “had a sex problem” and went into the bathroom “to look at the women” while masturbating. While he was doing this, Jelks noted, he was looking at pornography on his cell phone.

He now also has a being held in the Marion County jail problem, an indecent exposure problem and a criminal trespass problem. Not sure what you steel for those, but at least there's a bathroom nearby if he figures it out.

These Two Should Think About Moving To Failureberg

If that old saying about looking up things in the dictionary and finding pictures beside them were true and if a picture dictionary existed containing a definition for complete fucking trainwreck, Juliette Dunn may well be found there.

Police said they spotted Dunn and Jefferson sitting at the playground, the young children on the ground next to them. As officers approached them, police said they spotted an empty 40-ounce bottle of Steel Reserve beer on the ground beside the boy. They said a baby bottle next to the baby contained a dark liquid that smelled strongly of an alcohol beverage. Dunn was identified as the children's mother.

Police said witnesses told them that Jefferson had handed the bottle of beer to the boy and ordered him to chug it. When he had finished it police said Jefferson called the boy an alcoholic.

Both children were taken to Bridgeport Hospital where police said both the boy and girl tested positive for alcohol and the 10-month-old also had cocaine in her system. While being examined, police said the 4-year-old told a social worker he likes, "Natural Ice beer, Budweiser beer, but didn't like the taste of Dog-Bite beer."

Jefferson is Lisa Jefferson, a friend of Dunn's who apparently gives the 4-year-old a beer every day. Dunn seems to have no trouble with this arrangement, but is perplexed as to how her daughter tested positive for cocaine because, as she told police, she doesn't breast feed her.

Both dunn and Jefferson were charged with two counts of risk of injury to a child and two counts of second-degree assault. they're both in custody on $100000 bonds.

And all of this, it's worth noting, took place in Success Village. People often ask what's in a name? In this case, I think it's pretty safe to say nothing.

Don't Arrest Me, I'm A Witless!...I Mean Witness!

You and your wife just finished slashing some tires in an apartment complex and pulling a knife on a family that tried to chase you down. Your wife has been arrested, but you escaped. What do you do now? I wouldn't have come up with this in a million years, but apparently the answer is come back to the scene, find a TV reporter recording a segment and pretend you're a witness so you can film an interview. Yes, it went about as well as you'd expect.

Police were looking for the suspect’s husband, who, they said, ran from the scene. He later approached Cook during her report, to speak as a witness to the crime. When a Channel 2 photographer recognized him as the man police were looking for, officers arrived and arrested him.

"Plajorize. Let No One Else's Work Evade Your Eyes." Tom Lehrer

Soundtrack time, and I think this is the weirdest soundtrack by far.

I read about this a while ago, but it was during the time when I had no ability to think to write stuff. But it still pisses me off, so much so that I allowed my Qwitter home buffer to grow a huuuuge balloooon bottom just so I could find the story easily. Yes, I'm weird.

Apparently, this all started on the graduation day for University of Alberta's med school class. Philip Baker, the dean, gave a wonderful, moving speech. It was so moving that students googled some of the words and terms in the speech. And what did they find? This speech was not his, and had been stolen, almost word for word. What makes it even worse is the speech was full of personal stories about patients and this other doctor's family that the dean claimed as his own.

Ahem. To anyone who has ever been to school, let that slosh around in your brain for a while. Slosh sloosh slosh. What did they drill into us as students? Plajorism is a serious offense, you can be expelled, and it's plain old dishonest. You can't even use one of your own works for two different assignments. Slosh sloosh slosh. It's stealing. Slosh sloosh slosh. And then, after these students work hard for years to make it through one of the hardest programs there is, this is what they get as a graduation speech? Fifteen minutes of stolen, although slightly altered, material? And this is from the guy who's supposed to be their example. This is the kind of stuff students get busted for.

So, rightfully so, the class raised a royal stink about it, and I think that's awesome. It takes a lot of balls to call your dean out on something like this...although I think since the piece he stole was published in the New Yorker, the university would kind of have no choice but to believe them. And, the university took them seriously, and forced Baker to resign as dean.

Yea! Justice is served!

Except...

They are going to allow him to come back and teach.

Excuuuse me?

If I found out I was being taught by Philip Baker, I would seriously consider dropping the class. I mean, how could I take him seriously? How could I respect him at all? If I were the type to be tempted to be lazy, I'd plajorize everything. Then when he ran it through a checking tool and tried to bust me, I'd tell him I thought that was the sort of behaviour he wanted to see in his students, given his stolen speech. They say he doesn't have the moral authority to serve as dean? I say he doesn't have the moral authority to teach anyone. Once you've committed such an act of academic misconduct, any moral authority is gone. Gone gone gone. Professors are supposed to be examples of how to do things right.

People were really worked up about this whole thing. I mean, how many faculty meetings have 400 people attend? I just hope the graduating class isn't too discouraged by the outcome. They did the right thing. It's just too bad the university didn't follow through to the level that I think they should have. Giving him a four-month leave of absence and then letting him come back to teach just isn't enough. If they want to bring him back, bring him back to sweep floors. I think he has the moral authority to do that.

So Long?

Wow. This story of the family of a missing man having a memorial service and declaring him legally dead is just weird.

I don't blame the family for wanting to move on because it sounds like they're pretty sure he's gone, and it has been 7 years, but I just keep coming back to what if he isn't? Wouldn't it be weird to walk into somewhere and get told "Um, sir? You're supposed to be dead." And I know that sort of thing has happened before.

I hope some day the family of Willy Bruder get some answers. What a horrible way to lose someone.

Austin Lounge Lizards Questions Answered. Yea!

Woohoo, some questions I had about the Austin Lounge Lizards in this post have been answered in the comment below! Thank you, Marchbanks, for all the cool answers.

Lessee if a native can clear up a few points for you . . . (2) Yes, that's really Cornhusker Refugee. Somebody keeps using a bad scan and not proofreading. (4) No, you got it—Wendell is a 7-Up delivery guy who gets shot for being stupid enough to go in without enough experience to back up his firepower. (7) Yes, there is one place in Texas they like: Austin, where they all live (or did, until Tom moved to North Carolina in 2011). That doesn't keep them from poking fun at Austin, too. (12) Yes, Virginia, there is a Chester Nimitz Oriental Garden in Fredericksburg. It's attached to the Nimitz Museum there, and was given (I believe) by the people of Japan as a gesture of reconciliation. Fredericksburg is largely a German town, so having this song in classic oom-pah-pah style is sooooo appropriate.

Cool! And now I want to listen to the album again.

Termite

I just tweeted this, but I figure while I wait for everyone to unfollow me I might as well kill off the rest of the readership.

After a long day of work, a termite walks into a saloon and asks the person behind the counter, "Is the bar tender here?"

It Doesn't Matter Anymore

I haven't always been the biggest Serena Ryder fan. In fact, I still think she kinda sounds like a sheep in Weak in the Knees.

But I can give credit where it's due, and she deserves some for this cover of It Doesn't Matter Anymore. This is really good stuff that makes the song feel completely different, arguably more like it was meant to feel considering the lyrics.

Here's Buddy Holly's version for comparison's sake, and just because it will always be awesome.