one-eyed, no-brained parking lot pecker poker

Here's another example of dorks, ha ha, funny I should call them dorks, letting people who claim to be doctors shoot them full of who knows what. These ones were told the injections would enlarge their penises. Well, I guess technically they did, since all of the men contracted an infection so I'm sure there was some swelling.

Here's the money quote. “Don’t trust individuals who are going to inject things in you from out of a car.”

Yup, sounds like good advice to me. thanks for the hot tip.

Only Man On The Island

Perry fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune.

They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Perry threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Perry swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.

"You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes too, you gorgeous thing!"

"Shit," sighed Perry, "there go my Sundays."

The Best Part Of Waking Up Is...Disfiguring A Child In A Library?

Ahh the UK,it never lets us down...in a sense anyway.

A group of pensioners have been banned from holding a coffee morning at a public library for health and safety reasons - in case they spill hot drinks on children.

The seven members of the Over 50s coffee morning have been meeting every Tuesday for the past four years without incident at the Eye Library in Eye, near Peterborough, Cambridgeshire.

But council officials have now axed the meetings claiming that toddlers from a nearby nursery who use the library at the same time could be injured if hot coffee spilt on them.

I can add nothing to this, you already know the drill.

Stay Off The Drugs

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court late on a Friday afternoon.

"You seem like nice young men," the judge said, "and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday and you can tell me how you did."

Monday arrives and the pair are back in court.

"How did you do over the weekend," the judge asks the first.

"Well your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," he replies.

"17 people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew 2 circles like this - O o ...and told them that the big circle was your brain before drugs and the small circle was your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you," he asks the second, "how did you do?"

"Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage such a thing?"

"Well, I used a similar approach to my friend here. I drew 2 circles like this - O o ... Then I would point to the small circle and say this is your asshole before prison..."

Nicky Nicky 911

What kind of a defense is I just called 911 because I needed someone to talk to? that's especially bad since the guy would call 911 and then drop the phone and run back to his car. Nice try, Bryan Paul Blanchard. It was a fail, but nice try.

Labeling Is Done

Ker flop!

What was that sound? The sound of me hitting the floor? Yup. Every post we ever wrote has been labeled...unless I made a mistake somewhere. But it doesn't look like it.

My god that took forever, andI didn't poke away at it. I've been going pretty hardcore for the past couple of weeks. god we wrote a lot in 2008.

Sadly, everyone won't enjoy the full awesomeness of all this work until we get a new template which won't be happening for the next couple of weeks. But oh well, at least all the tedious stuff has been done.

Now I have to dig myself out from under the pile of news I haven't been reading while I've been labeling!

His Name Is Rios...

Here's a question for the baseball fans, especially those of you who follow the Blue Jays.

Yesterday the Jayslet Alex Rios go to the Chicago White Sox and got nothing in return.The question is a simple one: Was this a stupid move or was it time for Rios to go and worth doing whatever was necessary to unload him?

I'm not sure where I fall yet. On one hand he's having a year that doesn't come close to matching the money he's making and would have been making for the next 5 or 6 years had he stayed, but on the other it wasn't too long ago that there was talk of using him as trade bait to pick up Tim Lincecum and before that Barry Zito and even now with him not at his best I'm sure there would have been interest from another team willing to make a deal. Everybody slumps, and when Rios isn't slumping he's a pretty dangerous player. if he ever comes out of this funk he's in and starts playing up to his potential again this could go down as one of the worst moves in team history.

Letting an all-star player who's best years could still be ahead of him go is a seriously risky move, but I'm willing to wait and see and not call for anybody's head just yet. Hopefully in the next little while the team will take some of the money they're saving on Rios' contract and get themselves a good substitute or use it to lock up guys like Adam Lind and Roy Halladay who are going to be big pieces of the puzzle if they're serious about making a playoff run long-term. If neither of those things happen, then it's time to start asking questions.

Thoughts On New Millionaire

Wow, I missed Regis on this show. I know there are the reruns on the Game Show Network, but once you've already seen them there's not much sense in watching again since you can't play along.

So far I like the changes they've made, and amazingly the celebrity experts haven't been a complete embarrassment so far. Then again, nobody asked Sam Donaldson anything the first night and last night they had George Stephanopoulos who only got one wrong and it was one he shouldn't have been asked if the contestant knew what he was doing, so they're trying so far to keep it to people who might actually know something about something. I'm not sure what the rest of the schedule is so it'll be interesting to see if they keep things on that path or try to play for ratings by stacking the rest of the run with people who can't spell millionaire let alone help a contestant.

Speaking of which, is Katy Perry this annoying and airheaded all the time? I pay her as little attention as possible so I'm honestly not sure. But if it's an act, please stop. If it isn't, somebody fasten weights to her legs before she floats away. Actually no, don't. Do the world a favour and just let her go, because by the looks ofthisshe's pretty much gone as it is. How are people impressed by a person like this? I don't get it. Maybe if she was good at something or said things of value now and then I could overlook the way she carries herself here, but as of now, just...no.

My only complaint about the show itself is a small one, and surprisingly it's about the change I was most excited about. The clock needs to start ticking down after the question is red, not while Regis is reading the answers. The way they're doing it now, he asks the main part of the question, then time starts coming off as he reads the choices. That's not fair to the contestants, especially when Regis starts laughing or trips over his words like happened last night. One poor girl had 3 seconds left to come up with an answer because he lost his shit for some reason and started cracking up. She got it right, but if that were me I'd have been pretty pissed.

Other than that it's great to have the prime time Millionaire back, and I hope it sticks around beyond the 11 shows scheduled so far.

No Bobblehead, No Money, No Concert?

My sleep sucked last night and I'm feeling lazy as a result, so I'm just going to jam the few things I wanted to mention so far today into one post. Here we go.

I survived Toronto, over-priced beer, biblical flood and all. The game was great. I got to see a win, they opened the roof about half way through once the weather cleared up, and I even made friends with a couple of guys behind us who were mercilessly heckling Nick Markakis for some reason most of the afternoon. I think I might have also convinced one of them to invest in aBeerbelly.Your welcome, Beerbelly guys. You can send the commission my way at your earliest convenience.

I need to apologize to Carin. Carin, I am a fool. I should never have laughed at you when you suggested I bring a raincoat. I haven't been that soaked in a long, long time. Thankfully there was an extra one in the car so I was taken care of, but I should never have relied on chance and in the future I'll consider taking your suggestions somewhat seriously.

The only major disappointment of the day aside from the rain was that I didn't get the Tom Henke bobblehead I was hoping for. Damn you, first 10000 people through the gates, damn you to hell. Naah, that's not fair, it's my own fault. I see a theme developing here, surely Carin will be most pleased. We decided to get food and didn't get to our seats until about 20 minutes before game time, so we missed out on the dolls. Step Dad managed to snag one that somebody left behind as we were leaving and I would have beaten him up for it but since the game was his Father's Day present, I figured I'd let him keep it. Now and then I'm nice, believe it or not.

Gee, I didn't see this coming. I don't think we've gotten the letter yet, but apparently Bell and Rogers are starting tonotifyconsumers that we shouldprepare to be taxed.They sure didn't waste any time. I suppose I can live with it if we actually see improvements in local programming and not have stations taking advantage of it to prop themselves up while making no real changes, but the thing that worries me is the Rogers representative saying that they're not sure if the fees will change if adjustments are made to the fund when it goes up for review. I have a horrible feeling we're about to get fucked yet again. Once fees go up, they rarely come down even if there's no need for them. I'm sure Rogers will find a way to make them stick by claiming they need the money for service upgrades or some such fictional thing or other.

Meanwhile in will Steve be seeing Aerosmith in a few weeks news, things are not looking good. the western Canadian shows have allbeen officially postponed,and Joe Perry isn't sure what's going to happen to the rest of the tour and is starting to talk openly about it. If I were a betting man I'd say I'll soon be getting a phone call about a make good show for sometime in 2010.

that's all for now. Sorry if this post was no good, but it's the best I can do right now. I'll try to write a better one when I'm a little more alert. Hey, there's a first time for everything.

Stuff That Came Out Of My Head

Ok. Must take another break from labeling. I have everything labeled up to December of 08. Only 7 months to go. Go me!

God, I turn into such a labeling zombie. I get so used to typing "news, that was dumb" that things that don't deserve that tag almost get it and then I have to stop myself and put the right tags on. Or, I hear the example tags and go "do we have a scooters tag?" Time to stop before you ruin the site, goofball. So here's some random stuff I have been thinking about.

Remember a while back when I was railing against Greyhound's schedule and asking for a carpool? It appears that for 4 out of the 5 days, I have one, and they'll even drive me both ways! I was only going to ask for a morning drive, but both ways will shave some serious travel time off my day. So I'll only have to suffer through the grey dog one day. wooo! Happy endings rock!

Trixie briefly mentioned that Chuck from the guide dog school came, but I decided to talk more about it. I was happy to hear him say over and over that we looked awesome as a team and she looked like she was in great shape. He laughed when I teased him and said he had to be part cyborg to remember all our shite so well. Even cooler, he helped me figure out why in hell I have trouble crossing this one street. Go chuck. I love ya.

I've been going to a lot of coffee shops lately with the French group, and I'm noticing something that bugs the hell out of me. why is it that whenever I go to a coffee shop or an ice cream place, nobody wants to read squat to me. They'll say "What do you want? they have all kinds of stuff." Well, can ya name a few things? Sometimes I need an idea or two. It kills me because people can just look around and say "ooo! That looks nice." I can't do that. I'll only know the things that people choose to read to me. I had one guy in a Baskin and robins say "You want me to read all 31 flavours?" Well, I would have made it easy on you, but with that snotty attitude, read 'em all.

It just kills me because those are the places that always change their selection. Even if I managed to memorize everything once, which would be pretty hard to do, there's no guarantee that something I want would be there the next time.

I never get that at a restaurant, just at the coffee or ice cream places. And I don't just get it from the one behind the counter. Sometimes it's whoever's with me that will do it too! Raaarg!

I've noticed something funny about Trixie when we're playing. If the phone rings, she'll stop. It's like she knows I'm probably going to want to answer that, and then won't be able to pay attention. It's hilarious. I can almost hear her doggy voice saying "Wanna get the phone?"

and I've noticed the little voice I hear in my head that says what I think she's thinking has gotten deeper. Yup, I have way too much of an imagination.

And that's about it for now. Maybe I should label some more stuff. I'm a fiend.

Nobody Move!...Oh, And Get Your Own Sandwich!

Making sandwiches for mom is serious business,apparently. If you don't believe me, maybe you'll believe 49-year-old Anthony Pilla, who found it necessary to pull a gun on his brother while the 2 argued over that very thing.

The incident started when Pilla and his brother were in the kitchen of the East Main Street home and argued about a sandwich for their mother, who lives in the house with Anthony, according to an affidavit filed in Superior Court.

The argument escalated to the point where the brother threw his cap and glasses at Anthony, the affidavit said.

Anthony then went into the basement and returned with a loaded shotgun, a Remington 1100 LW .41 caliber, the affidavit said.

The brothers wrestled, Anthony dropped the shotgun and their mother picked it up and took it out of the house, according to the affidavit.

The mother told police that Anthony pointed the shotgun at his brother. Police found the shotgun loaded with one live round and the safety off, the affidavit said.

Pilla told police that his plan was to scare his brother and that while he new the gun was loaded, he thought the safety was on. Yeah, because that makes things so much better.

Pilla is currently jailed in lieu of $50000 bail on charges of aggravated assault and possession of a weapon for an unlawful purpose.

Whoop Ass Tastes A Lot Like Vegetables

If there is a lesson to be learned fromthis story,I think it would have to be do not under any circumstances pistol-whip Toyia Taylor. It's a lesson I'm not so sure Gregory Banks will be able to remember seeing as he is currently in critical condition at St. Vincent-Mercy Medical Center, the victim of a vicious beating with a can of peas.

Slurls

If you've ever gotten one of those emails that go around from time to time full of website addresses with double meanings, you'll appreciate this. There's an entire website devoted tovarifying and compiling them.Be sure to check out the list of100 Website Naming Disastersto get you started especially if you're not sure what all of this is supposed to be about.

Who Wants A Violent Beating

I'm happy to see the Regis Philbin version of Who Wants to Be a Millionairemake a comeback.There's nothing wrong with Meredith Vieira, but for my money you can't beat the original.

They're changing it a bit from the way things used to be, which sounds good and bad.

On the not so good end I'm not sure I like the idea of replacing ask the audience with ask the celebrity expert. Having seen more than enough episodes of Celebrity Jeopardy in my day this can be nothing but a failure and I expect a few people to lose a lot of money because of it.

Replacing the 50-50 with the double dip I do like, since there's no way that damn 50-50 was random. They can say it is all they want, but I'm not buying it. How random can it be when 95% of the time when you happen to mention that you're stuck on 2 answers and then use it, those 2 answers are the ones left? As random as the producers want it to be, that's how random.

Speaking of getting stuck, I'm happy beyond words that they're introducing a clock. Contestants have 15 seconds for the easy stuff, and up to 45 seconds as things get harder. It's about time, thank fucking Christ. Watching these idiots sit there and talk for 3 minutes about the $200 question was excruciating, and that's after they were edited down. the thing that inspired me to post about this in the first place was a story about a woman who took 52 minutes to come up with an answer...and then got it wrong! I'm sooooo glad I wasn't in that audience, because there likely would have been a murder. Why they didn't institute a clock rule right after that happened I don't know, but I sure as hell would have were it within my power to do so because that's just ridiculous. Meredith may already have a clock, but I haven't watched her in a long time so I'm not sure. But to whoever decided to time these imbeciles, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm not sure if I'll be home from the ball game in time to catch the first episode tomorrow, but I'm going to try and watch as many of them as I can.

And on the subject of the ball game, watching the Jays blow a 3-0 lead and end up losing in front of the 92 and 93 teams was just sad. Please guys, don't do that today, and for Christ's sake don't do it on Sunday. I'd hate to have my free Tom Henke bobblehead doll be the best part of the afternoon, no disrespect to the doll intended.

The Guard Doesn't Have A Leg To Stand On...Or does He Have An Extra One?

I'm not usually all for prisoner lawsuits, but this guy can go ahead and sue.

Jerry Ray Brock was in jail and got a new prosthetic leg. When he was transferred to another prison, a jail guard told him he couldn't take the new leg with him because it was a medical device. Um, wouldn't that mean he would need it, so should take it? Anyway, when he found out the leg wasn't banned and asked for it, they couldn't find the leg. he's suing for the cost of the leg and punitive damages.

I don't think he'll get the punitive damages, but he should get the cost of the leg back. Those things ain't cheap!

Brad's Letter to the Editor

It appears that the letter to the editor bug went and bit Brad. This letter is a beautiful thing, aside from the fact that he misspelled his own name! what's that all about? So because I loved it so much, here's his letter, saved forever in case it disappears off the Brantford Expositor website.

Blind man faces close calls with automobiles

As a blind citizen of this town, I am becoming increasingly alarmed by the driving habits of my fellow Brantfordians.

Last Wednesday, July 15, I was nearly mowed down by a car making an illegal turn at the corner of Brant Ave and St. Paul. The driver missed me by inches, but snapped my cane in two. To cap all this off, he didn't even stop!

At least there are some observant people out there, however. One lady, who I can't thank enough, stopped, made sure I was all right and explained what happened to counsellors at the W. Ross Macdonald School where I went to get a new cane.

This is not the first time something like this has happened either. Last fall, someone drove over my cane and actually parked on it in the A&P driveway. One other time someone making an illegal turn nicked my cane with his bumper. He at least apologized before taking off.

Yet another time, someone driving a motorcycle down the sidewalk hit my left arm.

I am sure with the population of visually impaired people in this town that events such as this occur quite frequently.

In closing, I would like to thank those of you who wait for lights to change and do your turning at the proper time.

To those that don't, I ask this: Where in the world did you get your licence, and do you think I could get one there? I can't be much more dangerous than some of you people.

Brad Wetlaufer Brantford

I love the term Brantfordians.

Dude Looks Like A Cripple: The Aerosmith Concert Watch Continues

Well...guess Steven Tylerisn't as okasI had heard.

Turns out the fall from the stage messed him up but good, to the tune of a broken shoulder and stitches in the head. Stitches in the head don't mess up your tour when you're rock and roll, but a broken shoulder, that's a little different. I've never broken one but having seen people who have I know it's a bitch of an injury to recover from.

People in the Aerosmith camp are trying to be optimistic, but I also read a comment elsewhere from somebody apparently in the know who said it would be a miracle if the tour continued. At this point it might be for the best if it doesn't...as long as the pricks at Ticketmaster give me my money back if the dates are scrapped. and when I say give my money back, I mean all of it, none of this forfeiting service fees business. if no service is rendered, no fee should be pocketed. Ok so the processing fee I don't mind so much since I ordered over the phone and the person I talked to was quite helpful and had to do actual work, but the venue charges and such, that's different.

I'm sure not many of you care whether or not I go to the concert, but I'll keep you posted anyway because I can.

Kitty Porn

Note to Keith R. Griffin of Jensen Beach, Florida:
Time to work on the excuses a little more, chief.

I'll give him credit for originality, but not much else.

Our friend Mr. Griffin, when busted with more than 1000 child pornography images on his computer, told the police after reaching around to pull an explanation out of his ass that...the cat did it.Yup, that's his story, and against what can only be described as better judgment since worse judgment would be nearly impossible to find, he's stickin' to it.

Griffin told detectives he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard.

When he returned, there would be strange material downloaded, the release states.

Strange? Dude's cat is downloading child porn by the truckload and the best description he can come up with is strange?

and let's pretend for a second that he's actually telling the truth. he's not, but stay with me here. so the cat is letting his claws do the walking, and as it turns out he's walking straight to NAMBLA headquarters. Wouldn't it strike you right around the time you found picture...hmmm...let's say 1 that maybe it's time to move the keyboard or shut the thing down when you're not using it? You know, just in case the cops or Chris Hansen are watching. Or if you're not that bright, wouldn't you at least delete all that strange material since you won't be needing it and it's pretty creepy and disgusting?

I'm having trouble coming up with a decent way to end this. Maybe I'll step away from the keyboard and let Trixie jump on it for a few minutes in the hopes that she'll come up with something. then again, I don't much feel like spending the rest of the day explaining to Carin what all the doggie style references are about.

Another Episode of It's A Joke, Guys!

I think I'm going to right Barbara Mikkelson and congratulate her on finally digesting the numbnuts who thought the piece of obvious satire I'm about to show you was real. Usually, she is extraordinarily gentle with the dorks she has to deal with on a daily basis. I'm also going to ask her how many of them she wanted to personally strangle. Here it is, in all its glory.

What a GREAT IDEA!!!

Washington, DC — June 11, 2009

Congress today announced, that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India, as of September 1, 2009.

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $750 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 3 months.

It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for IndusTeleservices, Mumbai, India, will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY. Thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview.

"I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as Obama had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his 'special' smile.

Now, upon reading that, did you think for a second that it was real? I hope to hell not. If I wasn't reading this on Snopes,I would have chuckled at points. But because it had to be posted in order to tell people it was a joke, I felt so sad and angry. People, think. Please please think.

Love Thy Non-Fat, Non-Bald, Non-Tabloid-Reading Neighbour

This story about the church of England telling its members to be more welcoming toward certain groups has my brain spinning in many directions.

First, I'm glad somebody realized that church, although it makes claims of friendliness and desire to reach all of God's people, often isn't the most friendly and welcoming of places. In lots of them, they like to stare at new people or people who haven't been in a while, some have been known to refuse guide dogs, I have heard of others who don't want to put a ramp in so folks in wheelchairs can get in, and the list goes on. So, good on them for figuring that out.

But some of the groups singled out as needing special care amuse me. there are the usual ones...blind folks, deaf folks and folks in wheelchairs and nursing moms, but there are some new ones, like bald people that might have trouble with the overhead heaters churches have installed, really short people, overweight folks they like to call "the wider community", and...this one kills me...people who read tabloids.

Wow, just listing off those groups makes it obvious just how judgmental some church-goers can be. It pretty much sounds like anybody with any kind of imperfection isn't welcome. And how is it made widely known who reads tabloids? Do they read them in church?

But the rest of the pamphlet, as it is described in the article, sounds more like an act of desperation to keep attendance from dropping rather than a genuine attempt to be better. they suggest that churches should get customer service managers who are trained in how to make a store a place that people want to come back to, and they instruct congregation members to talk to new people, repeatedly using their name so that you remember it later. I don't know, wouldn't that be sort of creepy? the only place I've seen that done is when police are dealing with someone who's causing a disturbance. I also love how the book openly acknowledges the culture that churches have of ignoring new folks. How did they put it? "In many churches it is normal not to speak to newcomers. We are not usually openly hostile, we just ignore them and eventually they go away." Uh-huh, so welcoming.

Another line that made me chuckle was the part where they said that some people will find loud organ music distressing and that's why they don't go. Um, what are they going to do about it? Are they going to remove the organ music? That's a little too accommodating. It's one thing to help a blind dude get to the john or make pews wider or put in a wheelchair ramp or not make the bald guy sit under the heater or refrain from staring at the new family, but it's another to take a big part of what the church is out of the church. That would be like taking the music out of a concert, or taking the wine out of a wine and cheese party. I don't go to church, but I know that churches have organs, and that's a big part of it. Personally I find the awful singing more distressing on my poor ears than an organ could ever be, but that's me.

The big point this story drove home to me is if church folk need to read a manual on how to be more friendly, I guess they aren't as love thy neighbour-ish as they like to believe. Maybe they should put more thought into that than remembering to say a person's name or hiring a customer service manager.