Not A Good Kind Of Pole-Dancing

Man, the news is awesome today. Here's our latest in the hahahahahahahaha you guys suck files.

two prisoners were handcuffed together and they were being led somewhere. They bolted to get away...and then fell down and were pepper sprayed...and then got up, got out the door, got across the street...and then met a pole and went to opposite sides of it, causing them to fall down and get all tangled up. They were recaptured. The YouTube video is aptly named prison escape fail. Dam it, it has no sound. Ah well, maybe we'll get an even better description than the one that's in the story.

And Don't Forget, To Give Me Back My...Surgically Implanted Body Parts?

Oh boy. the Wacko parade continues. This guy got dumped by his girlfriend so decided goddamn it, I paid for her breast implants, I'm going to get 'em back even if I have to cut 'em out! This is right up there with the guy who wants his kidney back that he donated to his now ex.

This Would Definitely Be A Crazy Driver

I saw this story yesterday, but didn't have time to post it. The crazies were really out in full force.

Our latest is Veronica Hollifield, who smashed up a few people's cars, ripped apart a church lobby, and then drove her car completely eratically, although slooowly, sending pedestrians running like scared rabbits in all directions. she had to be going slow if a cop could open her door and grab her arm, but she still managed to get away. They did get her eventually.

Is it a full moon right now?

I wonder How Many People Had Cravings For Wings

Having 200 gallons of hot wing sauce spill into the street would profoundly suck. I also get amused by a picture of someone's car being "engulfed by sauce" even though that too would profoundly suck. And I know whhy they had to do it, but the image of a Haz-mat team cleaning up wing sauce kinda makes me giggle. So it must be true. hot wings are hazardous!

Ooo! A Big Brown swimming Pool!

Ug. Just reading this makes me gag. That officer is awesome.

If that dog wasn't a chocolate lab before, he would have looked like one when they pulled him out of that sewage tank packed full of shit. Just the thought that he leapt into a tank of human feces and only human feces makes me want to hurl. Then, the idea that the first thing the pup did when he was pulled out was shake vigorously makes me giggle. that would be Trixie if she ever jumped into a sewage tank, which the silly fool probably would do if given the opportunity.

Thankfully all are well, and poochers got adopted. what a thing to do on the day when he's scheduled to be adopted.

And Now It's Time For A Somewhat Musical Interlude

Since we're all having such a greattime with this Songsmith business, here's somebody's list ofits 9 best, or maybe worst, classic song butcherings.

If you've been following the posts and comments you've seen a few of these already, but boy oh boy, is it ever worth the click just for the fright potential alone. I haven't had a chance to watch all of them yet, but the prospect of Songsmith doing Intergalactic, Running With the Devil, Just What I Needed and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band would have me shaking in my shoes were I wearing any right now.

Have...fun?

The Expression I Think I Can Get You Off Doesn't Mean That, Sir

In keeping with our ongoing efforts to help out the intellectually disadvantaged, your friends here at Vomit Comet World HQ present another helpful tip for daily living.

If you own a thumb drive full of child porn, it's best to leave that puppy at home. Do not under any circumstances bring it to court with you. If you absolutely must, it is wise to do your best to ensure that you do not, at any time, drop it in the jury box. This is especially important when you are a lawyer trying a case in juvenile court.

Sadly this pearl of wisdom came too late to helpRobert Wayne Wiley,but that doesn't have to mean that all hope is lost for the rest of you.

Why No, Officer, I Wasn't Speeding

Ok, this senior citizen needs to never get behind the wheel again. Luckily nobody was hurt, but dear lord! His wife sent him out to get some food, and the poor old guy got lost and somehow ended up going down the wrong side of Interstate 80 for 40 miles, even driving over stop sticks that flattened his tires. Police flashed a spotlight in his car and he just smiled and waved. Eventually they were able to close the highway and then get him off the road so they could get him some help.

Looks like the wife will be the only one leaving the house on food runs now.

did He Flush His Brain Down The Toilet?

Here's a very stupid guy. If I were him, I'd give up any criminal involvement. It's safer if he'd just live an honest life because then he won't have to worry about getting busted.

This guy was in a bathroom calling about a drug deal. yeah, the bathroom in a police station. But oh no, that's not where he really shows his stupidity. When he was confronted about his telephone calls, he said he thought he was in the probation office. Yeah, because that location is so much more optimal for making drug deals.

Something tells me he won't be on probation much longer.

Cold Hands, Even Colder Hearts

Wow. This day is full of evil stories. Here's a whole troop of heartless people who plotted to leave their former friend in the woods in freezing temperatures because she was suing the insurance company of one of them.

They got this whole plan cooked up, supposedly inviting her to a party with them, so she was all dressed up in a dress and light jacket. Then they drove into the woods and threw her out of the car, even forcing her to lose a shoe! Then they left her there in pretty crazy freezing temperatures with no way to get back. They really planned to kill her. It looks like she's going to make it, but she has a pretty wicked case of frostbite. What a pack of subhumans.

Way, Hey, Boom, And Up She Goes

Yikes. don't play with M-80's. And if you're stupid enough to do that, don't put one between your legs and cover it with your hand to muffle the explosion.Just ask this guy.

Sacrificial Lam

Good god. This is one of the most frightening things I've read in a while. I actually kinda shrieked when I saw this. Oumar Lam's girlfriend came home to find him lying naked on a couch near a candle-lit altar. He attacked her on the bed and tried to suffocate her and drag her towards the altar. He stabbed her numerous times, chanting and yelling in another language. she ran away, out of the apartment, being chased by a still nude Lam. Somehow amid this, thankfully, she managed to dial 911. Police came just in time as she was growing weak from blood loss. they took him away and she underwent emergency surgery.

My big question is why the fuck wasn't he charged with attempted murder? He was trying to goddamn kill her! why was he only charged with assault? What am I missing in this whole thing?

Wesley Willis Meets Songsmith?

The comment Thread under the White Wedding Songsmith post is a great place full of other nice Songsmith butcherings. it also got me thinking about something. What would it sound like if somebody took the vocal tracks from Wesley Willis songs and pumped them through Songsmith? Ooo. That would be a whole new kind of awful.

I would do this myself, but I don't have clue 1 about extracting vocal tracks from songs, and I don't have Songsmith. So...if Songsmith is available free or someone has it, and knows how to grab vocal tracks, would you do that for me? Would you? I'd even supply the Wesley willis songs from whatever songs of his I have. Oh my god it would make for some sweet material.

The Attendees are Deaf and Blind, The presenters Are Dumb

This sounds like a great product, but does anyone see a flaw in its promotion?

Greg Stillson Highlights HumanWare's DeafBlind Communicator That Opens Communication Lines for Deaf-Blind on Tek Talk Monday, February 2, 2009

Most agree that every person should have the opportunity to fully access the world around them and have the freedom to build lasting friendships and a happy and productive life regardless of physical disability. Making it happen for the deaf-blind has been a long and frustrating journey. However, those attending this week's Tek Talk online event will learn from highly qualified presenter and trainer Greg Stilson, Humanware Product and Support Specialist, how his company has used its technological expertise to design a product that significantly opens their lines of communication.

The DeafBlind Communicator (DBC) offers the deaf-blind population a truly portible multifunctioning communication device. Consisting of a standard Humanware Braille Note with specific software installed, and a cell phone for a face to face companion, the communicator provides several ways for a deaf-blind user to communicate. Using the DB companion, the user can easily communicate in virtually any face to face environment with a sighted peer. The built in modem enables the DBC to operate as a standard Braille TTY, and by using the DB companion's cell phone capability with a SIM card, the deaf-blind population can now utilize Short Message Service (SMS) technology.

For the more advanced user, with the use of a high speed internet connection, the DBC software incorporates an XMPP messaging client, which allows anyone with a Google Mail (gmail), account, to engage in an instant messaging conversation with other gmail users. Gmail is quickly becoming one of the largest web based e-mail providers and with its Google Talk PC client that is available to everyone, DBC users can carry on conversations with both people using a PC for messaging, or with other users of the DBC.

(Contact: Greg Stilson
Humanware Product and Support Specialist
Phone; 800.722.3393
Greg.stilson@humanware.com )

Date: Monday, February 2, 2009

Time: 5:00 p.m. Pacific, 6:00 p.m. Mountain, 7:00 p.m. Central,
8:00 p.m. Eastern and elsewhere in the world Tuesday 1:00 GMT.

Where: Tek Talk Conference Room at:

http://conference321.com/masteradmin/room.asp?id=rsc9613dc89eb2

Or, alternatively,

http://www.accessibleworld.org. Select the Tek Talk Room, enter your first and last names on the sign-in screen."

All Tek Talk training events are recorded so if you are unable to participate live at the above times then you may download the presentation or podcast from the Tek Talk archives on our website at http://www.accessibleworld.org.

All online interactive programs require no password, are free of charge, and open to anyone worldwide having an Internet connection, a computer, speakers, and a sound card. Those with microphones can interact audibly with the presenters and others in the virtual audience.

Anybody see it? Anyone?

Ok, this product is for people with profound enough hearing loss along with vision loss that they can't hear conversation and need to communicate in other ways. So why is there a big presentation on it in an audio-only forum? I'm sure people who are interested in this product would love to ask questions, but the only way to interact is via voice. Hmm. Somebody wasn't thinking when they set up this little question and answer session. to me, it would have made a lot more sense to write a review of the product.

the device does sound cool though.

I know He Might Think the Lawyer And The Jury Were Shihtheads, But...

Yuck! A long time ago, I read about a dude showing up for court in a suit, tie, and a covering of feces. Now, another dude has slathered his lawyer with his feces and heaved the rest at a juror. Because of that, there's been a mistrial. I wonder how many of those stunts he'll try and pull off.

fittingly enough, his name is Weusi McGowan. When you see that first name, what do you think? I immediately wondered how it was pronounced, and if it was pronounced like Woozy. I know there'd be a lot of woozy people in that courtroom.

He thought He'd Drop In For Lunch

Hmmm. Does this belong in the food-related crimes files? Well I guess it does, but it belongs in a few categories.

Alex Cupczinski had a good thing goin' on. He would break into people's vacation homes, eat and drink from their fridges and cupboards, take some electronics, and even wear their clothes. Then, he screwed up. What did he do? He left his wallet in a pair of overalls at one of the homes.

Way to go, ace. Now he'll be eating and drinking in jail and he'll be wearing the orange jumpsuit they issue him.

and Poof! He Looks Even Worse

Here comes Jim Piculas again. Remember him? Now he's suing school officials for defaming his good name. I think this lawsuit should be tossed out for the same reason that shallow-water-diving dimwait's lawsuit should have been heaved. It's his own damn fault that his name was dragged through the mud!

Ok, there was the first account which said Piculas was fired for wizardry. Well, because dear old Jim ran to the media and screamed that from the rooftops, school officials had to say "No no no, wanna know the real story? the real story was he was swearing, not following school policies, the kids were out of control, and here are the letters to prove it." Now that those letters were made public, poor old Jim says he can't get a teaching job and says he feels blackballed. Uh, nope. If he hadn't gone and overexaggerated the wizard thing, which he later admits to, then they wouldn't have needed to defend themselves by revealing all his flaws. If he's blackballed, it's self-inflicted.

This guy needs to stop digging himself a hole. Well I guess if he keeps digging, maybe he'll disappear.

What A Way To Make Mom And Dad Shake Their Heads

This guy must be really really slow. He broke into a gas station and wanted to be arrested...so he could spend time with his brother who was already locked up.

Uh, um, doesn't the jail have visiting hours?

Goonba's Pizzeria

Um, eek. Just don't go to Goomba's Pizzeria in Daytona Beach. If you do, don't say that they got your order wrong because the pizzeria's owner might pistol-whip you over it. the owner looks like quite the idiot, first saying that the surveillance was off and the customer assaulted him, then when the police found out that the surveillance was definitely working, having to admit that he made up that story.

I hope that after that hit the news, goomba's isn't doing so well.

What A Thought

I know India has its troubles, horrible ones, but...this is just unspeakably depressing. Kids are being snatched away and horribly mutilated so they make more mony as beggars, and then the gang leaders take their money. It's even worse than the sewage workers I wrote about before. I have no words, none.