My President Gets Angry, Sometimes...

Somebody is laughing while Barnes and Noble are crying. they walked into a Barnes and Noble store, saw a big display in the front window full of books by or about President Obama and thought a book about monkeys should be squished in among them. Yup, you guessed what happened. The angry emails came in from people saying they would boycott their store, etc. What an asshole thing to do, but part of me can't stop laughing.

She's Crazy, He's Still Dead, Maybe She Should Go Back To Magic School

Remember the guy who charged into a funeral and started beating the everloving crap out of the corpse? We have a new one. Nicole Leonard walked into the funeral, danced around, threw flowers at the family, opened the casket and smacked the body with a wand! Was she hoping she could give him new life through some magic spell? when she was arrested, she said she didn't know anyone at the funeral, just thought it was the right thing to do at the time. What? Why? Please elaborate, Ms. Leonard, because I'm lost.

Dear Lord, Time Permitting, Please Visit Upon This Individual A Sense Of What Truly Matters In Life

Letter: Why didn't flight crew mention God?
by Dena Malda | Muskegon

On the Feb. 8 "60 Minutes" program, we were captivated while viewing the Katie Couric interview of the crew and passengers of Flight 1549.

However, we were struck there was not one mention of God, who directs pilots of planes and secures the safety of passengers.

We have written CBS and asked them for more realistic programming. Help protect our freedoms. Write CBS about this.

I was all set to write this off as yet another instance of some religious goof opening the floodgates and letting the garbage flow free, but then I started thinking about it a little more, the last line in particular.

We have written CBS and asked them for more realistic programming.

I realize that a good portion of what we're shown on the news is fabricated, but so is much of that bible thing you seem to be so hung up on. What, exactly, would count as realistic programming? Nothing but televangelists? You do realize that a lot of them are gimmicks living double lives, yes?

Help protect our freedoms. Write CBS about this.

Protect your freedoms? Which ones are in jeopardy? It can't be your freedom to hold a differing opinion than somebody else. The fact that you're angry at what somebody said in an interview bares that out. Your freedom to express yourself freely? Can't be that one, your letter was printed in the paper so that you could be heard and so that people like me could utilize our freedom to ridicule you for what we see as your foolishness. Your freedom to turn the channel if you don't like what you're watching? Perhaps, but I don't think it's that one. My money's on it being your freedom to dictate to others what they should believe and how they should express it. those afflicted with serious cases of religeousness tend to get pretty testy about that one.

The reason these people didn't mention God had nothing to do with pissing you off and everything to do with nobody mentioning him, or perhaps that part not making it in. And really, who cares? To me the most important thing is that everybody made it out of what could have been a horrible situation alive and able to give interviews. Who they worship if they in fact worship anybody never even crossed my mind, because in the long run it doesn't matter. Human beings who may or may not think the same way as you or I do survived, and if they live at the expense of your delicate sensibilities I can live with that,and I'm sure they can too.

Divorce

A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

Farmer: "Yeah, I want one those dayvorce's."

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

Attorney: "No you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge."

Farmer: "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No, no, do you have a suit?"

Farmer: "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Farmer: "No sire, we both get up about 4:30."

Attorney: "Well is she a nagger or anything?"

Farmer: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

Apparently Fuck, Marry, Kill Is A Credit Course Now

Who thoughtthiswould be a fine idea for a school project? Better yet, who thought it would be a fine idea to assign it to kids in grade 4?

The assignment for the Grade 4 students at École Mont-Carmel in Ste-Marie-de-Kent was based on the notion that the planet was about to explode.

The students had three spaces in a rocket ship and they had to decide which person they would save among the following: an Acadian francophone, a Chinese person, a black African, an English person and an aboriginal person.

The assignment also included images representing each of the different ethnic groups that they could choose to save.

"Then the exercise goes on with ludicrous questions like, 'Was it a difficult decision and how do you think the other people would feel?'" she said.

the she in question is Laura Maillet, one of the people who rightfully complained.

Before the hammer was ultimately dropped on this thing, school principal Bernice Ryan actually tried to defend it. No, seriously.

Bernice Ryan, the principal of École Mont-Carmel, said she has listened to Lomax's concerns, but feels the exercise is a good one, as it is intended to show the students how to be respectful to all groups.

"Children would say, 'Well, we don't want to make any decision so we kept everyone here on the planet.' Or some of the students would say, 'Well, we've chosen to keep the three main ethnical groups in our community, which is English, French and Amerindian, because of being able to communicate,'" she said.

Respectful to all groups...aside from the one you're forcing kids to maroon on the exploding planet. You can't honestly expect anybody to swallow that crap about kids keeping everybody can you? Wouldn't that make the whole assignment pointless?

By the way, is ethnical even a word? If it is I've certainly never heard it.

I wouldn't wish the job of New Brunswick Education Minister on anybody right about now. This is the second time this year that poor Kelly Lamrock has had to reverse a dumb decision made by people under his watch. if you recall, New Brunswick is the province where another elementary school principal tried toban the singing of the national anthem.I'm honestly worried about the state of the education system there, but at least in a few years when the place is full of messed up teens and adults, it won't be a mystery as to why.

Ahh Ahh Ahh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh OOOOO Ow Ow Ow Ow Owwwwwwwwww!

Man's penis injured in grinder accident

Accident? I could be wrong, but I've always kind of been under the impression that stuff like this doesn't happen unless you're kinda sorta looking for it to happen.

Ass Of Spades Is More Like It

Not saying it's any good, but all things considered this could have turned out a whole lot worse than it did.Motorhead - Ace Of Spades as performed by Microsoft Songsmith.

Here's as close to the original as I could findto give you an idea of what the poor software package was up against here.

Man Overboard!

Don't all ships have a bathroom? I know small boats don't, but what about tugboats? If they don't, one tugboat might invest in some facilities after its captain fell overboard while taking a leak over the side. He's ok, but he spent 40 minutes in the water.

Family Fail no. 2

Wow, I think this family is even more doomed. Genine Compton was seen breastfeeding her baby and talking on a cellphone while driving her other kids to school. When a motorist confronted her about it, she asked him if he wanted to pop his titty out and feed this kid. Yikes.

Family Fail

Hmm. I think this family is doomed. All four of them ended up in jail at the same time for separate reasons.

When You're In prison, Be sure To Stay Awake...

Hey there Angel Galvan-Hernandez, if you don't want to be raped in prison, one way to prevent this is to not commit rape. Then you won't get sent to prison for 20 years. What a screwed up, scared little man.

I'll Have The Chocolate Chip Pancakes

It's not that hard to make an amusing post out of the story of a former assistant district attorney taking a dump on a bench outside of an IHOP to begin with, but when that former assistant district attorney has enough of a sense of irony to do so in the town ofBrownsville,it definitely makes my job a whole lot easier.

Thank you, Thomas Whitley Teague, thank you.

Pretty Bird, Pretty Kid

Here's a story that makes no sense. Brandy and Paul Romero wanted to sell their cockatoo. Donna Greenwell wanted to buy it, but didn't have the money so said "How about I give you $175 and these here two kids? And the couple took the kids! the woman who gave them the kids is apparently a convicted pedophile. This is just weird. Why would you think that was an ok swap? This couple is about as dumb as that woman who handed that baby she found at her door to some random man.

Some Food Just Shouldn't Be In A Vending Machine

*gag*. *gag*. *hurl!* Why in christ would you buy a burger out of a vending machine anyway? Ug. I can't look at this anymore.

So What Happens If He Hasn't Paid for His Plot?

Remember when I thought this guy would be the worst landlord ever? I think this guy would be worse. If you don't pay your rent, he'll make a coffin "tailored to your specifications," and then kill you. Then he'll leave the coffin in the living room, with you inside, for all the other tenants to see. That's scary for sure.

The Only Things Trix Kills Are Toys

Yup, it's official. I have a pansy for a guide dog. She's the wussiest wuss that ever was. We already know that she lets other dogs jump on her and try to hump her, and will cower under the desk at another house where there's a dog, but this weekend, she was the biggest scaredy dog ever.

A friend of ours had a buck and doe in a small town near here. We stayed with family of Steve's, who just got a new puppy a few weeks ago. It was a 12-week-old female Australian shepherd. She was so so so so small. the scariest thing about her were her sharp puppy teeth that liked to chew on everything. good lord, I'm not used to that. I would try to pet her and suddenly she had latched onto my shirt, my jeans, my purse, the leash, the harness, anything she could. I would give the little rat a bone, but she would have none of it.

Anyway, Trix could have easily shown this little thing who was boss, but what did she do? She constantly ran from the pup. All weekend, whenever she was out, she chased Trix back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Trix would lay down, but when the puppy was back, she didn't growl at her and tell her to leave her alone. Oh no. She let the little runt chase her all over the house.

I said I would cry if Trix was intimidated by a puppy. I guess I can start crying.

Do You See What I Don't?

I keep hearing this commercial for something called invisible bifocals. Why would anybody want those? They sound like more trouble than they're worth. Imagine losing them. How would you know when you found them? Actually, how would you know if you lost them to begin with? They are, after all, invisible which means they could be anywhere and you would have no way to tell. I suppose if you were wearing them your vision would be clearer, but how would you put them on in the first place? And now that I think about it, how can you be sure that the people at the store actually gave them to you when you paid for them? They could just hand you an empty glass case in a bag and tell you to have a nice day. You could try to complain and say hey wait there's nothing in here, but all they would have to say is yeah, you bought the invisible ones. You'd have to believe them and you'd never know for sure. Seems like a poor investment all around to me.

Feed Tweaks

Here's another one of those boring "We're messing with things again" posts. But we are, so here it is. Don't worry, it's just The RSS feed, which you can subscribe to by going here. The changes shouldn't cause any problems, but if they do, or the changes make it look butt ugly or something, let us know and we'll try to fix it.

He'll Get 9 Lives For This

Here comes another one of those food fight stories. This one started because of animal food, but I figure that counts.

Ian D. Johnson, 33, has appeared in court on a charge of felony assault with
a weapon after an argument with his father about contributing to the household turned into an argument over a 60-cent can of cat foodand then into a scuffle and a stabbing.

Court records state Dwight Johnson told police the fight started because he was frustrated that his son was not contributing more to the household. When his son confronted him about using a 60-cent can of cat food, the father said he told his son to move out of the house.

Dwight Johnson said his son refused and threatened to burn the house the down. The father said he slapped at his son, hitting him in the chin, and the two fell onto a couch. Ian Johnson is accused of stabbing his father during an ensuing struggle.

"burn the house the down." is that a typo or a regional expression used by people from Montana who are 33, still live at home and have an unhealthy interest in what happens to cat food?

After the incident, the elder Johnson was taken to hospital where he was treated for a penetrated lung cavity caused by the knife wound.

Getting Lost

A young man graduated with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from the back woods, he decided to go out to the country to do his research. After some time, he happened upon an old hillbilly from way up in the hills. The reporter introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

"Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy," The young man asked.

The hillbilly thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all had our way with it and took it back home. Boy, that was great!"

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the hillbilly said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour’s wife, a good looking woman, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all had our way with her, we took her back home. Boy, that was great!"

"Christ," the young man said, "I can't print that either!" He thought for a moment and then asked, "has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old hillbilly thought for a moment, then dropped his head and lowered his voice as a look of shame came over his face.

"Well..." he began, "I got lost once."