Journey By A London Bus

Since we've already well covered the fine art ofcatching and standing on busses in literary form,all that's left is to present a video demonstration of these things for the benefit, I suppose, of people for whom books and signs are too complex.

One thing to note. Books and signs, 2008. Eight minute instructional film, 1950. Progress, kids.

Me+Math = No Buys

And If You Direct Your Attention To The X-Axis, You'll Find I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About

If for some reason I ever found myself teaching a math class, this is exactly what it would be like.

I don't know why, but the ability to do math, even the really simple stuff, has always eluded me. And when I say eluded, I mean it's seriously outrunning me, to the point where adding up something as easy as 12+11 requires me to count it out on my fingers or at least do it in segments in my head. And don't get me started on the shit with letters in it. does anybody actually use that stuff? No, I mean out in the world. I sat through years of that garbage, barely passing classes, feeling like I was wasting my life. And from the day I walked out of my final high school math class, how many times do you think I've ever had an absolute need to use math with letters in it? If you said 0, you win! And contrary to what teachers and dorks everywhere would have me believe, I've had a pretty nice life so far. The bottom line is this. There are very few things in my life that have ever made me feel completely useless and stupid. A couple of them are ex-girlfriends, and the other is mathematics.

I have no idea why I just told you all of that,but at least you have a decent idea of why that wacky link up there got posted now.

If Ya gotta Pound, On somebody's Chest, Think "Stayin' alive", "stayin' Alive"

Apparently, someone with a sense of humour did some research and found that CPR chest compressions are done at near perfect rhythm if done to the beat of "Stayin' Alive" by The Bee Gees." The number of beats per minute matches the number of compressions per minute for optimal success.

At first, I thought the song was too slow, but now that I've listened to it again, I think I agree.

So, if you have to save someone's life with CPR, what better song to use to keep your timing?

Title: The Act Of Titling

While I was writingthat last post,I went and looked upthe word gestationjust to make sure I was spelling it right. Check out the first definition that Dictionary.com chucked back at me.

–noun
the process, state, or period of gestating.

Um...uh...er...thanks?

Dictionaries have been doing things like that forever and I've never understood why. Even as a kid who didn't know what 3 quarters of the words in the gigantic book meant, I was still able to grasp how dumb that is. If I'm looking up the word, explaining it by giving me a different form of the same word ain't gonna help, chief. Why not just define the actual word, list all of the different suffixes underneath it and not bother with all of the useless entries? It would save a lot of time and frustration, not to mention paper.

Something To Consider

The expression " the father of our country" is kind of a weird one, don't you think? Whenever somebody says it, you can't help but picture some guy from the 1500's humping a giant land mass and then 9 months later or whatever the gestation period for a thriving world power would be, office buildings and residential areas start popping up everywhere.

I can't be the only person to ever get that vision...can I? Hello? Somebody?

Good News bad News

The doctor takes Greg into his office and closes the door.

"Greg, I have some good news and some bad news," he says.

"Give me the good news first doc," Greg replies.

"They're going to name a disease after you..."

He's Good For A Laugh, Marking One Of The Few Times A Lawyer Has Been Good For Something Other Than Abusing

Some people, especially lawyers I'm convinced, exist for the soul purpose of pissing other people off.

Animal Cruelty Suspect's Lawyer Unavailable Because He's Going Hunting

BREVARD COUNTY, Fla. -- The lawyer for a Brevard County woman accused of starving her dog to death says he won't be available for a trial because he's going hunting.

Defense attorney Andrew Stine announced his hunting trip in front of a group of animal rights activists Wednesday.

The rest of the story is pretty sad, but that part greatly entertains me.

Vote...Or Else!

A vote for mandatory voting

I'm not sure how I feel about this idea. I'd love it if everybody voted, but forcing people to exercise their rights in a free country kind of flies in the face of the whole free country thing. But on the other hand, do we really live in a free country to begin with? The very fact that we have laws to tell us what we absolutely can and cannot do suggests that we don't, and when so much of the content of those laws is influenced by special interest groups and rich corporate lobbyists, it sometimes doesn't seem like we live in much of a democratic one either.

And how mandatory is something that you can get out of simply by sending $20 to the government? Actually, now that I think about it, the way Canadians react to giving money to the government, I'd expect 98% voter turnout at every election for the rest of time.

So what do you think? Let us know in our snazzy new mandatory poll...If it's working for you. If you can't see the poll or have some other problem, let us know. We're just testing this out and will probably end up working out some bugs.

 

It's Joke Time!

I've been getting some pretty good jokes sent to me lately, so it's time to post a few. Some of these are pretty stupid, but that's never stopped me before. A few might also be considered offensive by some, but if some aren't expecting that,then some haven't been paying attention.

*A man goes into a library and asks to check out a book on suicide.

The librarian looks at him and says "NO, you won't bring it back."

*Q. What's the difference between Sarah Palin's vagina and her mouth?
A. Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

*Q. What do you call a black Frenchman?
A. Jacques Custodian.

*I was crossing the street when I was hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming and screaming. The driver looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."

*Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

*A woman walks into a pet store looking for a bargain.

"I haven't got much money," she tells the clerk, "so I'd like to know if you've got any kittens you'll let go cheap."

"I'd let them, Ma'am," said the clerk, "but they prefer to meow."

And finally...

*If you've ever wondered what it sounds like when a Scottish farmer counts his sheep, it goes something like this: "205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210...."

I say this all the time, but I swear, I'll try to get better about posting this stuff. By the way, if you've got anything good, feel free to pass it along.

Drunken Fat Boy

I don't have anything else to say except oh look! A drunken horse in a pool! Hahahahahahha! That's about as funny as the drunken moose. And they both ate rotten apples.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

McCain campaign protests YouTube's DMCA policy

That's what you get forvoting for such a shitty law,ya dumbass.

A Family Reunion Of Sorts

What a horrible way to die, but also, what a preventable way to die. I commend 77-year-old Gérard Lacombe for wanting to maintain his wife and parents' graves. but...couldn't he have done it with the help of staff at the graveyard? did he have to do it alone at Thanksgiving? Did he have to crawl in the hole? there were tools that could have prevented the soil from shifting after the stone was dislodged, if he'd only used them...but he didn't, and so he was crushed by his parents' tombstone, and needs to go to his final resting place.

How tragic, how sad, how...stupid!

They're As Cold As Their Mother's Corpse...Before It Was Cremated That Is

This story makes me shiver. I know there are stories of kids not saying their parent is dead to continue collecting dead mom or dad's social security cheques, but...this is just over the top. I mean, they cremated her body in the homemade barbecue! The daughter is wearing a piece of her skull as a necklace! I hope these two rot somewhere. Maybe someone will use pieces of their bones for something later.

If Only It Worked That Way

Meet Joel and Donna Brinkle. They're a couple of wackos who think they're their own nation, and can take whatever property they want. They lost their property because they refused to pay taxes, and now scrape by and live in low-income housing. But here's the question. what do they scrape by on? That would be social security. Hmmm. How can citizens who say they're a sovereign nation get social security? They must have taken a page from Quebec's book, called Sovereignty Association.

Making Things Right

Greg had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming away and cooling off, he started to think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty about all the trauma he had caused. So to make things right, he decided to buy her a gift.

"Anything at all my love," he said, overcome with remorse.

"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive that I don't really need."

"Great idea," he said.

So the following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

Holy Crap, Is TheWorld About To End?

Here's a crazy story. I was walking along, and Trixie signaled to me that she needed to do some business. We'd been walking for some time, so it was completely understandable. I checked and there was an outer grass line she could use, but it seemed kind of narrow, but I figured she'd be ok. As she started to circle, someone came up and asked me if I needed help. I told her my dog was taking a wizz. She was worried as well about the narrow grass, so I asked her if the inner grass was owned by anyone, because I didn't want my dog peeing on someone's private lawn. She told me it was a huge patch of lawn belonging to a funeral home, so they probably wouldn't care. In the interest of safety, I moved Trix over and she peed pretty quickly. I had a feeling there was a round 2 in our future, so I let her dance around a bit. There was, and surprisingly, the lady was still around. She told me my dog was "doing her business." she didn't say she was pooping, or anything else, which I sure wasn't expecting. Then she even offered to put the bag of dog doo in a nearby trash can! This made me happy, because I didn't know where the nearest one was, and if she wasn't around, I didn't relish asking the next pedestrian if they knew where a trash can was. I thanked her, she asked me if I was good to go, I said I was, and we were off!

This should be a mundane story, something that happens all the time. but it put a spring in my step. Do you want to know why? Because this woman

• spoke to me in a respectful manner,
• listened to what I had to say,
• responded appropriately,
and
• was very helpful!

It happens so rarely that I came home raving about it. Now what does that tell you?

Randon Rantings

Hello, friends

So I should apologize for the lack of posting I've done. it's a long story I won't bore you with - but in the interest of not glazing over it I'll just say it's been hectic, and somewhat productive, few weeks in the job hunting department.

Onward!

The Baseball playoffs are in full swing but to much less fan-fare than usual. Much of this is likely due to the lack of either New York teams, which tend to draw large nationwide audiences. Things are likely to get worse before they get better in terms of ratings.

Right now, Philadelphia and Tampa Bay are poised to move on to the World Series. These are two teams that do not enjoy large followings of fans outside their cities, and in the case of Tampa Bay you could argue, even in their city. The two teams that Tampa and Philadelphia have strangleholds on are the LA Dodgers and the Boston Red Sox. Both big markets and both with large followings outside those markets. That combination would also draw the added soap opra storyline of Manny Ramirez returning to Boston to face his old team.

While it looks unlikely that this will become the case, you have to think that MLB Broadcasters and their advertisers are paying for miracle.

Interestingly, the small market teams may not be the biggest ratings killer for the World Series. It is possible, and likely - if you ask me, that Philadelphia could wrap up their series with a win tonight and that Tampa could polish of Boston tomorrow night. However, due to the playoff schedule being laid out before they started - game 1 of the World Series would not be played until next Wednesday. That would mean a 6 day lay-off for the Phillies and a 5 day break for the Rays. That is an eternity for fans of a sport that is used to having their team play almost every night. Any momentum, which is non-existant as is, that had been built will be long dead by the time next Wednesday rolls around.

The reason for laying out the schedule this way? Well in the past MLB has liked to start the World Series on a Saturday night. However, it has become evident that Saturday is a dead TV night. Sunday is loaded with NFL football and other good prime-time programming. So you're looking at having your series be two games old by the time people actually start to watch. I guess they think by starting Wednesday you can get people hooked with a couple games and then keep them through the weekend. Iunderstand skipping Monday due to Monday Night Football... What's wrong with Tuesday? Oh well.

An interesting side-effect of the long break is that it works out great for the two managers who will want to get their pitching rotations set. Typically in a series if you get to a game 6 or 7 and you want to start your Ace, you do it with the knowledge that you've now lost him for Game 1 and 2 of the next series and now you're looking at only getting your best pitcher in to 2 games (3 and 7) in the next round as opposed to 3 if he were rested. So I guess it works out well for someone.

Hockey is now in full swing. The Leafs haven't really given anyone an indication as to what type of team they're going to be this year, though the smart money is still on being a bad one. However, after opening the season with a one goal victory over the defending champions, the Leafs promptly were spanked 6-1 by the Canadiens on Saturday. That was followed on Monday afternoon with a shootout loss to St Louis in which they looked like a very good team in the first half of the game - and a fairly bad one for the second. So after three games we've assentially a seen a win, a loss and a tie... I guess we'll have to keep waiting. The Leafs face the currently undefeated Rangers on Friday.

I think that'll due for now. I hope all our Canadian friends had a good Thanksgiving and our American friends.... a good Columbus Day. Someone tell me what you guys do down there on Columbus Day. I mean, I know what you're celebrating... I just don't know how you celebrate it.

Money As Debt

This video says a lot of things that we sort of already know, but does it in a mind-twisting fashion. Its basic premise is that money is a concept, which Steve said, among other things. So go twist your mind.

As an aside, there are big chunks of dialogless audio. I'd love to know what's goin' on there.

Oh Rats!

Attention fans ofThe Darwin Awards.Watch for the name David Stanifer. I have a feeling you'll be seeing it one day if this is any indication.

Flaming Pet Rat Starts Fire, Damages Titusville Home

The quick and dirty of the story is that this guy and a couple of buddies were having some fun chasing their pet rat Amelia Earhart around the garage. They didn't want to lose her so they tied some rope and bells to her. for some reason, twine needed to be cut, scissors were unavailable and lighters were employed. Fires were started shortly thereafter when the rat, understandably freaked out, started running around and igniting things. Damage to the house is estimated at $30000, while damage to the rat is estimated at $0.

"I had a few beers before it happened," said Stanifer.

"You don't say," said Steve.

Finally Some Clean Politics

Clean cars reflect election outcome?

One local businessman says he's got a better way to predict the outcome of the presidential election: Ask his customers.

"My wife and I were talking about the election with our kids and polling came up, how it can be skewed based on the way they phrase the question to get the results they want," said Dan Foor. "I said, 'I bet our numbers are truer than polling.' "

So at his Magic Wash car wash locations in Madison and Middleton, Foor labeled one of his touchless wash bays for Arizona Sen. John McCain, a Republican, and another for Illinois Sen. Barack Obama, a Democrat, and began an unscientific survey.

As of Tuesday, a sign at Foor's Magic Wash on Parmenter Street in Middleton showed Obama leading McCain, 324 washes to 281, or 53.6 percent to 46.4 percent. The Pflaum Road wash in Madison produced an Obama lead of 486 to 421, resulting in the exact same percentage as in Middleton.

Those figures compare to the 52.4 percent to 42.0 percent average advantage for Obama in more scientific polls conducted in Wisconsin, according to RealClearPolitics.com, a Web site that tracks polling data in states and nationally.

I don't know if there's any truth to this, but rumour has it that the McCain bays have been caught turning away all of the black cars, or should I saythose ones.