The Only Thing Better Than Meeting Your Girl In The Park Is Parking Your Meat In Your Girl

Check out this big collection of
weird sex laws.

Some highlights include:
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

There's a lot more at the link above, so have fun, but do it in a legal way.

That'll Leave A Mark

This comes from
the Reuters news service.

LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances.

She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying "that's yours."

Monti, of Birkenhead, near Liverpool, pleaded guilty to unlawful wounding at an earlier hearing.

Maybe it's just me, but a few things strike me as kind of odd about this story.

First of all, is it really that easy to pull off a testicle? No, none of you have to try. But seriously, I didn't know those things could just pop off. And even if they do, she'd still have to get it out of the bag so that she could put it in her mouth. So I'm thinking that she either gave a really big yank, or that this story is a really big fake. If anybody out there reading this knows otherwise, feel free to let me know, I'm interested.

Secondly, what was the guy's friend doing there, and was it really necessary for him to tell this poor bastard that the testicle was his? I'm pretty sure he's well aware of that fact. Come on, who else's could it possibly be, unless this woman has a history of stashing man marbles in her mouth and when the friend got it back, he got a few others at the same time? But even then there would have to be some sort of a match the testicle analysis going on unless for some reason the friend had a very specific knowledge of what his buddy's nuts looked like from the inside, and that would just be weird.

My hoax radar is going off big time here, this whole thing just doesn't seem right to me. but it is true that truth is stranger than fiction so I suppose anything is possible. The truth is out there, and for some reason, I kind of want to find it.

More English Pet Peeves

What the hell is with me having the urge to be so nitpicky right now? I don't know. But here I go again.

What is it with people forgetting the meaning of words and just using them any old way? Some people just seem to take words and throw them in a sentence as if they were a decoration that had no meaning. Like the way people say literally. I've heard people say, " He was literally spitting fire." Unles he's one of those trick fire-eater guys, no he wasn't. Literally means he was actually doing it. But people use the word just to accentuate what they're saying. Or people who say, I rest my case when they haven't proven anything. I just look at them and go, ok whatever.

And then there are words that just seem to have lost their meaning. Some people say, "Oh I could care less." You know they mean, I don't care. But if you could care less, doesn't that imply that you do care somewhat because you could care less? Or, to take a shit. Don't you want to leave a shit? If you're taking one, I don't want to know what you're doing with it. And then there's the expression "all but". I don't understand when people say, "the food was all but gone." Wouldn't that mean it was all still there? But they mean that it was pretty much gone. What the hell? Soon everything we know in the English language will be turned around ass backwards. One day I won't know what hit me when I'll say to someone, "have a nice day" and they'll take it to mean, "go fuck yourself."

Pet Peeves

There are certain little things in people's writing that just annoy me. I don't know why, I shouldn't give a rat's ass, but they just get under my skin, I guess the way people get bugged by other people's eating habits, or the way people leave the toothpaste, etc. I just see them a lot and every time I do, I just go, god do you look at what you're writing?

I'll grant you I'm not the most perfect writer and speller in the world and an english teacher would probably pop out old red at least on my grammar. But some people just have forgotten how to use words. There are people who do not know when to use who and when to use whom, so to sound sophisticated, they use whom all the damn time. You're not sophisticated, you're an idiot. There is a time for who and a time for whom. If you don't know, you're probably safer to use who.

And then there are the ones who say then instead of than. They'll say, "I like x more then y." Maybe it's just really evident because the thing that makes my computer talk makes it abundantly clear that dude fucked up. But it bugs the hell out of me. I understand that error doesn't get caught by spell check. But there are some people who do it consistently! It's like do you not know the meaning of the word then versus than? It especially bugs me when I see it in papers that I'm proofreading.

And while I'm on the subject of especially, notice how I spelled that. ESPECIALLY! no, boys and girls, it does not have an x in it! I have heard people say it as if it did, and have seen it written, and I just go, arg! I go arg whenever I see people making up new spellings of words. Expecially for especially, fermiliar or farmiliar for familiar, and this one bugs the ever loving hell out of me. Curiousity! I had someone on my MSN Messenger list who had that in their name for months. Ug. Curiosity has no second u! And they'll insist that they're spelling it right.

That's the part that I guess bugs me the most. The same people keep doing it! Learn! People shouldn't have made it through school and still be making these stupid mistakes...or at least if ya make them, you should catch them! Now feel free to pick the living hell out of that post...after what I've just said, I deserve it.

It's Official, Music Is Dead

I wish I had a nickel [pun intended] for every time I heard somebody say something along the lines of "every Nickelback song sounds the same." I'm pretty sure I'd never have to do anything ever again but that's not really the point. The point is that I can help anybody who has ever said that prove it to anybody who ever tries to tell you that you're wrong.

Turn up your sound and downloadthis.
It's amazing. Not only that somebody thought to do this, but that an entire group of people could make this possible a few years and 2 albums apart without intending to.

Nothing to Wear

There's been something that always bugs me. Why is it that lots of girls never want to wear a dressy outfit to more than one event? They'll go out on a shopping quest, searching for the ultimate outfit. Once it has been located, like the holy grail, they'll rave about it, wear it once and go, "oh didn't I look good in that?" But when an occasion comes up where it would look good, they cry out, "Oh I can't wear this. Person X will be there. They'll have seen it before." Ok, first of all, do you really think you're so special that person X will remember what you wore a year ago at Bob and Betty's wedding? "But there will be pictures!" Those are of your faces, predominantly I assume. Who in hell is photographing people's outfits?

And my next thought is, who the hell cares? So you wore it before. People know that there aren't clothing fairies running around handing out an infinite number of outfits. God expensive dresses and shit like that don't come cheap. So what if you only have one or two? Do you have to project an image always of something you're not? Just wear the damn dress and shut up. At least you do have a dress.

Plus, why would you waste all that money and time on something you're only going to wear once? I figure all that money and time is an investment. You're buying it so you can get a lot of wear out of it. It seems a complete shame to wear it once and then just let it collect dust in the closet. If you're going to do that, you're wasting your money. Go buy something you'll actually use.

Well I think I've ranted enough about that already. Maybe I'll go watch some TV. Oh wait. I've already done that today. Whatever shall I do?

Name That Team

So I'm taking a Goalball team to the Windsor Classic Indoor Games in March and I'm not going with my usual provincial teams. It is, in fact, an under 23 tournament so there are only two players on my usual team eligible to play and we are on different teams for competition's sake.

There will be a few more of these under 23 style tournaments in the next few years that I will be eligible to play in before my 23rd birthday and in all likelyhood I'll be taking teams to those as well so I need to come up with a name I can use for the next few years while I'm still playing on this team.

So, I open it up to the comment boards to try and get some ideas for creativ and innovative names. I, of course, understand that in opening it up to the internet I will get crushed with stupid stuff like "the Buttheads" or "The pilons" but if I can get one or two really well thought out names it will have been worth sorting through the garbage.

So, Vomiteers, what do you got for me? It can be the name of a junior team somewhere that is kinda catchy, or a cool name from a league not many of us know of. or something that you came up with just off the top of your head - maybe even a name from the past like an early 1900's NHL team like the Ottawa Silver Seven. Of course that doesn't work here, but it illustrates my point. Keep in mind it will be the Ontario Somethings or the Somethings of Ontario.

Let's see how creative you can be, cuz frankly, I got nothing.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

AMMAN - An online romance between a Jordanian man and woman came to a screeching halt when the pair discovered they were husband and wife. Separated for several months, the couple both began seeking an Internet chat room to find new loves. They had no idea that they would find each other. Bakr Melham, who went by the name Adnan, fell in love with a woman who called herself Jamila. He was in for a big surprise however when he realized that Jamila was actually his wife Sanaa. The pair talked for three months in cyberspace before making wedding plans. They decided to finally meet in person near a bus depot, but discovering their true identities was too much for the pair. Bakr shouted at Sanaa, "You are divorced, divorced, divorced" - the traditional manner of officially ending a marriage in Islam. Sanaa called him a liar and then fainted.

Who Said a Computer Couldn't Sing Anyway?

Yep, time for some weird humour, and to prove that I am such a geek. I found this page full of mp3's made by making speech synthesizers sing. Speech synthesizers are the things that make computers talk for us blind people. But someone who had way too much time on his hands figured out years ago that if you feed a certain synthesizer code in a certain way, you can make it sing. And then, someone else with even more time on his hands took it to the next level. Seriously, check these out. Some of them are so well done it's scary.

Is this a Joke?

I saw the movie about Arnold running for governor in California, ya know, "See Arnold Run." Well, I sorta had it on while I was doing other things. And I have to hope against hope that the producers were actually trying to make fun of him. The whole thing was just a little ridiculous.

First of all, the title, "See Arnold Run" sounds like one of those old Dick and Jane readers. See Dick run. See Jane follow. Whatever. And that alone makes me think they want us to think of Arnold as some kind of Tarzan-like beast. Then, they have some other guy playing Arnold. Ok, I understand they have to do that because you can't have Arnold playing himself. But he's so famous that you have to do a damn good job of finding an actor for him, and I'm sorry, this guy sucked. Maybe he looked like him. Maybe he was all muscle-bound and had the right height and stuff. But his accent was so fake that it was obvious beyond obvious that he wasn't even close to Arnold. At least get someone who can do a good accent fake. Seriously, it would turn on and off at will. Come on guy, keep it on for the whole movie. At least try to convince me that you are who you're pretending to be.

And then there were all the I'll be baacks and Caalee-forneeas. I think you know what I'm getting at. It was more like a caricature of Arnold than a serious movie about his run.

And then the final straw. They had this interview scene where supposedly Barbara Walters was interviewing him. Maybe the chick who was playing Barbara Walters looked like her, but the only thing that sounded like her was an overaccentuated speech impediment. Ya know, Bobwa Wawtas.

Keep in mind that I noticed all of this while sorta just having it on in the background. I can't imagine what crap I'd see if I actually had it on and was giving it my full attention.

I don't give a crap about whether it hurt Arnold's feelings or not. I'm not some kind of Arnold fan. I just look at the movie and don't find it convincing. All I can say is, if it was intended to be funny, which it didn't look like it was, ya fooled me into laughing. If it wasn't, go back to school before you right your next movie.

Arthritis Pain? What Arthritis Pain?

I was watching some TV the other day, and one of those commercials came on for a prescription drug that comes on if you're watching an American channel. Ya know the ones. Some music and a voice saying, "insert medical condition getting you down? Are you not able to do the things you could do before? Then you should try insert drug name here." Then after some supposed sufferers rave about how much the drug helped them, they heave a series of side-effects at you so fast and quietly, as if they hope to sneak them past you. Well I heard one of those commercials the other day. It was for an injection to help with arthritis pain. But the side-effects were so bad that I thought to myself, who in their right mind would even try this drug. I mean, usually they're something like headache, fatigue, dry mouth, etc. But these were killers, literally! They talked about it causing infection at the injection sites, heart failure, suppression of ability to fight infections, and even lymphoma! And then some cheery woman encourages people to try the medication. Not on your life, chief. If I had arthritis, suddenly the pain wouldn't seem too bad next to those side-effects.

That's Not A Sport

So I didn't have a very good weekend. I had some plans fall through on Friday night, weather was shit on Saturday and to top it all off, the Eagles couldn't get it done in the big game last night.

Anyway there's something that's been bothering me of late, and it's small and petty, but bothersome nonetheless. I'm getting really tired of turning on TSN, ESPN or Sportsnet and seeing Poker.

Now I understand that it's become a huge television trend and everyone's getting in to watching it and you have to support what the public wants to see. but how can you justify having it on a sports network? Last I checked it wasn't a sport. If you really feel the need to put it on tv, and clearly someone does, then you need to find a different network to put it on. It's not a sport.

There's other things on these networks that have been on for longer that I didn't agree with. Things like Darts and billiards have been littering the sports tv landscape for a long time but you can at least make a better arguement for them. For both of those games you need a physical skill. In my opinion, sport is a combination of physical skill, physical exertion, and mental focus. Billiards and Darts require a physical skill and a mental focus but I don't see them over-exerting themselves physically and taking huge risk of injury. (Although you could argue that anyone playing a game where sharp metal objects are being thrown is at risk of an injury, but I think you all know what I mean)

Last time I saw poker being played, there was no physical skills required and no exhausting physical exertion. Does it take a great mental skill and knowledge of the game? Sure it does. But that doesn't make it a sport and if your network is going to be called The Sports Network or SportsNet than you need to get that shit off your line-up.

Just because there's no hockey, football, basketball or baseball on does not mean you need to resort to card games for your programming. How about some amature sports getting some much much needed exposure? What about more downhill skiing? What about more X-Games stuff. It's growing just as quickly as poker. How about more golf? I hate golf but at least it's another fast growing sport.

Just keep to what your'e supposed to be doing as a sportsnetwork.... or at least show some Go Fish.

Do Us All a Favour and Get Your Head Out of Your ass

Ok rage time. Woo! I was walking down the street on the weekend, minding my own business. AT one point I asked someone for a bit of direction. He was very nice and was giving me that direction. Then, this other man, no, I refuse to give him that much credit, this other asshole, strolls past and looks at the one helping me and says to him, nice and loud, "No matter how bad you've got it, there's always someone worse off than you, eh?"

At first I thought I was losing my mind or misheard him, but the guy helping me seemed to bristle under his skin as well. Ok, asshole, and all assholes like you, here's a message for you, so listen up. first of all, who says I'm worse off than you? So my eyes don't work. I'm happy, I have food in my house, a roof over my head, a life, good friends, and plans for the future. Don't cry for me, I don't need your god damn pity. I need you to treat me like anyone else you meet on the street. And next I need you to take that blindfold of ignorance off your face and have it run over by the nearest transport truck, because right now, you look a hell of a lot worse off than me. At least I can see people for what they really are and don't have to barricade myself in with the shallow ones like you. It's people like you who make it possible for us to be worse off than you because you don't give us a chance to show what we can do. But I refuse to pity you. I hope you figure out your a dick and start working to fix it real soon. It would make the world a better place.

Guest Posts are Here Again

Well, I got an email from our new-found commenter Jen saying she had something to say here. Since I always like it when there's a new opinion to add to the mix, I figured I'd put it up here. So, without further adieu, here's what she had to say.

Arg I Hate Autimated Computers
Well as I sit here reading Carin's trouble with bell story something occurred to me.
Why is it that most companies have autimated computers that handle their calls. Emily is one from bell and she's mighty frustrating.
When I call Bell I would like to talk to a real person not just some computer who mixes up everything you ask her about and mistakes the words "I want my account balance" to you want a new product alright.
She's not the only one that buggs me. Then there are the kind of computers that want you to make a selection to handle your call by pressing 1 2 3 or 4. You can't just talk to someone anymore.
What has happened to our society? I don't know but it's mighty frustrating.
In closing when I want to ask a question of a Bell representative or OSAP I just want to talk to someone not listen to 15 computer generated prompts before someone actually comes on the phone.

Baby Got Book

This
religious parody of that old Sir Mix-A-Lot song Baby Got Back
is awful, but in a funny and creative sort of way.

You'll need Windows Media Player to watch this.

This Is Frightening

Adware-infected PCs net slimeware firms $3 a pop

Can You Hear Me Now?

A german scam artist [I refuse to use the word inventor] has released
a mobile phone for the dead.
No, I'm serious, stop laughing. Ok don't, but I'm still serious.

The phone, which goes by the name Telefon-Engel [which translated into English means Phone Angel], comes in a black box with a loudspeaker that is placed on top of the grave. It runs on a battery that lasts for at least twelve months, and the inventor claims that the sound quality is excellent. I'm not sure who exactly this is going to benefit, unless there have been some recent innovations in the field of decomposition audio that I'm not aware of.

If all of this isn't enough, wait until you hear how much it's going to cost you, ok, hopefully not you to get your hands on one of your very own.

It will set you back €1495, which is a cool $2407.47 Canadian but thankfully, well sort of, you can return the unit within 18 months if for some reason you aren't happy with it and get a €50 [$80.52 Canadian] refund. Isn't that nice?

How Good Is A Mac?

I figured some of you computer minded people might enjoy
this Flash movie.

Maybe not if you're Mac fans, but whatever.

A Joke that Tells Itself

Just read this and think about it for a second.

Aphasia Program - provides a follow-up to speech therapy for people who have Aphasia (communication difficulty) due to a stroke. Participants work at strengthening
communication skills through this goals-based program. To access the Aphasia Program call us.

Somebody should really email these people. It might have to be me.

What Is Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!